First Annual (but not really) NBA Draft Diary

Draft time. I usually just comment on the picks that night or the next day, but this should be fun right here. A lot of picks, and already a lot of trades in the NBA (not just the Wolves). The Shaq trade is interesting. I won't pretend to know enough to really break it down, but I know Shaq is still good enough to average 18 and 8 and the Cavs got him for essentially zero. And his contract expires after next season, so they really aren't giving up that flexibility. Basically I have no idea what the Suns are freaking doing. And I just learned that Vince Carter is headed to the Magic for Skip 2 My Lou and change. I haven't really looked at it yet, but my knowledge tells me anybody getting Vince Carter is on the wrong end of the deal.

Anyway, it should be cool, and I'll be here to document all the mistakes, like whoever drafts Stephen Curry, Brandon Jennings, or Roy Hibbert II (Thabeet), as well as whoever grabs the bargains, like Ty Lawson, Austin Daye, Earl Clark, or Sam Young. So here we go.

- Clippers take Blake Griffin, no surprise. You know, people who believe in curses, as just profiled on ESPN and in Billy Simmons article on ESPN, are idiots, but man have the Clips have a shit-ton of bad luck. Danny Manning and Shaun Livingston's injuries are two of the worst derailers I can remember, not counting Len Bias. Griffin and Eric Gordon are a nice young inside/outside punch. Maybe they finally turn it around?

And speaking of idiots, can Dazzle and Gordy please please please stop talking about the Sports Illustrated curse? Please. I'm begging. I'm seriously on my knees right now, begging. Please? That's the kind of stupid thing that only dudes like Dawger believe in, but he also believes in things like tarot cards, alien abductions, leprechauns, and the holocaust, so what does that tell you? {NOTE: El Chupacabras and vampires are real.)

- Fun Fact - Blake Griffin wants to host Saturday Night Live, and Tivo's it every week. My money is on his favorite sketch being "The Target Lady."

- The Memphis nightmares take Thabeet, and thank god for that. Look, he might end up being a Dikembe Mutombo, but I don't think he'll even end up that good. His offensive game is barely functional right now, and he is awfully soft for a 7-2 shot blocker. He makes me very, very nervous, but everything I read said he's a good fit for the Grizzlies, so good for them. Fun Fact - Thabeet's MUST IMPROVE: Offensive game. Well no shit.

- And Kevin Durant gets play with James Harden, in what I consider a surprise. I didn't expect harden and is Urkel-suit to go quite this early, I figured the Wolves could grab him at 5 or 6. The real good news here is that the Wolves are going to get either Evans or Rubio. Of course, they are now set up pretty well to take your boyfriend Stephen Curry, too.

- The Kings steal Tyreke at #4. I love this pick. I think, other than Griffin, Evans has the biggest chance to be a star out of this class. He's also kind of an idiot, but he's young and his ability to get to the rim, play defense, and overall out-athletic everybody makes him an almost automatic success. Crap. At least we'll get Rubio.

- BAM! Ricky Rubio on his way to the Wolfies. Obviously, I wish I had seen this kid play so I could evaluate him, but everything I've heard I like. Young kid, held his own on the international stage, has been a pro in Europe since age 14, is just supposed to be an overall stud. As a bonus, he speaks broken Engrish so he's going to a quote laugh machine. The downside is that he's only 18 and the groupies are going to eat him alive, and he looks like a Jonas brother. Jay Bilas just said, "Rubio has a Gretzky-like feel for the court." What?

- I don't even want this pick right now. I hate Hill and Curry, and there's no way they'll take Flynn here. Either figure out a way to trade it, or just take Terrence Williams. Crap, they're going to take Curry, aren't they? They are, right? Just tell me, I can take it.

- Oh thank god. Flynn is the pick, and I'm not sure but I think might have just gotten a little bit of a boner. Two PGs is a bit of a question mark, but Rubio is going to take some time (like a season or two) to be ready, so you put the ball in Flynn's hands now and then see how the two of them develop together. Flynn is supposedly a good leader, although all I saw is him leading Donte Greene to shoot nothing but threes and Eric Devendorf to hit some bitch, but I don't give two craps about that. He can ball, and he can get to the rim. Loving this pick. LOVING.

- I'm pumped.

- Atlanta just traded for Jamal Crawford, giving up Acie Law and Speedy Claxton. I'm bored by this. Twenty bucks says the Warriors take Hill here.

- Nope, they go with Curry. Wow. And, unfortunately for me, this is probably the one place Curry can thrive (or the Knicks, actually, whose fans are booing like crazy right now). A team without much of a half-court game that relies on the run and gun and doesn't play much defense is actually a good recipe for success for Curry. They'll be in their best shape if they have a good PG (I seriously have no idea. Tim Hardaway?) so he can just find his spots on breaks. Crap. He's going to have a good year but he still straight up sucks.

- Knicks take Jordan Hill. That guys a nightmare. Not for opponents, for the team that picked him. Mark it down.

Speaking of marking things down, I heard a discussion between Danny Gladden and Gordon today on the radio about who the Twins best pitcher had been this year. Gladden said, "Well, Blackburn has the innings and the ERA, but Slowey has the wins so I'll go with him." I shit you not.

- Derozan goes 9th to Toronto. The only thing I know about the Raptors is that they have Chris Bosh. The only thing I know about Derozan is that he is the reason Lil Romeo ended up with a scholly to USC. (FYI Lil Romeo - 2 minutes per game, 0.5 points - career high = 2 vs. UT-Martin).

- Milwaukee takes noted gigantic crybaby whiner idiot failure Brandon Jennings. HAHAHAHAHA. Way to go Wisconsin. You guys always suck at everything that isn't college football or basketball, up to and including just being a human being. And now this isn't going to help. Although Jennings will fit in well with all the other failures of humanity in that god-forsaken state. Other than Mike Redd, have the Bucks every had a a good pick? Don't forget, they traded Dirk Nowitzki for Tractor Traylor. I love Wisconsin.

- Just saw more details in the Vince/Skip 2 My Lou trade. Orlando also gave up Courtney Lee (bummer) and Tony Battie (more irrelevant than Dawger's opinion), but New Jersey also gave up Ryan Anderson, formerly of Cal. That is going to be the sneaky difference here. Anderson was an offensive stud in college, but was (and still is) weak on defense, but he will continue to develop. He put up 7 and 5 in twenty minutes per game this year. Looks like a throw-in, but makes this trade a very shrewd one by Orlando.

- Crap, NJ takes Terrence Williams who I was still hoping against hope would keep sliding. Hopefully Earl Clark will be there instead. There are a lot of uninspiring big men/wing men that the Wolves could end up with, but Clark would be a steal. Fun fact: Williams carried his books in a barbie backpack in high school to be "different." Suddenly, and politically correctly, I'm very happy he didn't end up a Wolf. We don't need no queers in the locker room, I'm pretty sure most of that team is a couple of glasses of wine and a back massage away from some "experimentation."

- Bobcats (that still cracks me up) take Gerald Henderson in a pretty uninspiring pick. Isn't that team made up of nothing but Tar Heels at this point? Isn't this like introducing a stupid dog into a house of awesome cats? Seems like team chemistry would be destroyed here. Ron Gardenhire isn't going to be happy about this.

- Pacers go for Hansbrough at 13. It's kind of a shame, he would have been absolutely perfect for Salt Lake City, but the second best fit is Indiana. Don't they just seem like they always have a bunch of white guys flitting about, going back to Smits and Schrempf? Also I love the NY crowd, firing up an overrated chant. Sweet. Amount of seconds his mouth was closed during his interview = 0.

- Fun fact: Hansbrough helped a man having a seizure on a plane on the way back from the Maui invitational. See haters, hustle and gamey-ness always come in handy. I bet Nick Punto would have found a way to rebuild that guy as the next 6-million dollar man.

- Phoenix, seemingly in give up mode after throwing Shaq to Cleveland for basically nothing, crush my hopes and dreams by taking Earl Clark. Damn you Dan Majerle. Damn you to hell.

- DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now they're going to take someone stupid like BJ Mullens. Ugh. Don't ruin it now, you're doing so well! Please, please, please take Austin Daye instead. Please.

- Jennings being interviewed about skipping college to play in Europe, "It's a great experience, I think more kids will do it and more kids should, it was great." Really? What happened to this? You're a god damned liar, Jennings.

- Ugh, kill me in the face. Daye gets taken by Detroit at 15. Yes, he's a little soft and a little weak right now, but his all around game is absolutely off the charts. This sucks. I love this guy. BJ Mullens here we come.

- Dickie V loves the Hansbrough and the Curry picks. I'm shocked. Claims Hansbrough should have been a lottery pick and Curry will be rookie of the year. Isn't it about time to "retire" him. Like, the way they "retire" snitches in the mob?

- The Bulls take James Johnson from Wake, which surprises me since they are probably losing Ben Gordon. Johnson never impressed me either. I'm calling this the fourth worst pick behind Curry, Thabeet, and Hill.

- You know who would be great at 18 now? DeJuan Blair. He's like Craig Smith, but with skill, drive, hustle, and talent. This would be excellent.

- 76ers take Jrue Holiday. I watched a couple UCLA games last year, and he really never stood out to me - at all. I haven't seen nearly enough of him to really bash this pick or anything, but I know he's no Cameron Dollar.

- Wolves up. With #18 they go with Ty Lawson. I love this pick, but they already took two point guards. Best player available strategy? I am a little confused, but I don't really love anybody else here, and I think Lawson is absolutely the best pick in this spot, if you aren't paying attention to positions of need. Trade in the works? I don't know, I'm too drunk to really evaluate this pick right now.

- UPDATE: Lawson is heading to Denver for a future first round pick that is originally coming from Charlotte. Since Charlotte is so shitty, I definitely approve of this. You realize this could end up being Ralph "Black Jesus" Sampson III next year.

- I had some Chuckles this weekend. You know, Chuckles.

Black and Orange are the best, Green is the worst. I didn't even know they made them anymore, but sure enough, if you go to the gas station with the White Castle in it in Hinckley, you can get not only Chuckles, but also Bottle Caps, Necco Wafers, and Charleston Chews. It's like a time machine created by a joint venture between Jesus and Willy Wonka, only with stench of White Castle Ass wafting in from the background.

- Jeff Teague from Wake at #19 to the Hawks. I could pretend I know anything about Atlanta here, but I'd be lying. When I saw they made the playoffs this past season I assumed I had wandered into a time machine - one perhaps created by Jesus and Willy Wonka.

- Jazz take Eric Maynor. Very good player, excellent pick, but Utah is a horrible fit. The Jazz have the point locked up for the next ten years in Deron Williams. They just grabbed a guaranteed back up point guard in the first round. Although Snacks has been texting me bitching about the Rubio/Flynn combo and how they drafted a backup point at either 5 or 6, despite the fact that there was nobody there to pick at 6 other than a point guard and I assume they couldn't trade it. Nobody ever said Snacks was a good basketball mind.

- Charlotte New Orleans Hornets go with Darren Collison, continuing the run on back up point guards since they already have the supremely overrated Chris Paul. I don't like Collison much. He's very much like a Jacque Vaughn. I mean, I guess if you're looking for a fluffer you're good here.

- Portland apparently moved up from 24 to 22 for some reason when I wasn't paying attention, or so Stew Scott tells me. And they take some Spanish retard. The Blazers have a ton of young guys under contract for a few years, so a Euro makes sense, but I really don't get moving up to get him. There's a lot of weird shit going on these days. I'm cautiously optimistic about the new Wolves' guy so far. Two PGs at 5 and 6 is a bit off, but they were the two best players available and nobody else really stood out at those spots. The trade of the 18th pick didn't cost you anybody overly exciting after Clark and Daye were scooped up, and has a good chance of being a lottery pick next year, since it comes from Charlotte, not Denver. Like I said, cautiously optimistic.

- I'm starting to think they need to sell Vodka by the keg. That would probably be a negative on my draft resume.

- Speaking of Vodka, Sacramento takes some Russian. Actually, they're trying to tell me he's from Israel, but he doesn't look Jewish so I stick by my Russian call. The part of the draft when everybody takes the commies is super boring. Let's get into the drafting of college guys who I have heard of but have no shot at being good in the NBA.

- They just interviewed Shaq about the trade. I fast forwarded through the whole thing. Eff that guy.

- Dallas takes BJ Mullens. Isn't this the same franchise that took Shawn Bradley? And some other guy whose name began with an A who I don't remember? I actually think Mullens has a shot to be decent, even though I bashed him earlier. He showed some seriously nice moves at times last season, and has more polish than a lot of seven footers who hit the NBA. I'm thinking he will either end up being a very, very good player or completely disappear. Not a lot of in between here.

- I just made a reference to Goofus and Gallant from Highlights magazine to Mrs. W, who proceeded to ask me just what exactly was wrong with me. Somebody else has to remember them, right?

- Somebody who is picking take another foreign bastard. What is going on here? Do I need to shut this down? How are DeJuan Blair and Sam Young still on the board?

- The Bulls take Taj Gibson, one of the most overrated players in the history of history. And he's not that much different than Ty Thomas, so I'm not sure what the point of this pick is.

- Finally a good pick, seems like it's been forever. Memphis takes Demare Carroll from Missouri. Although, again, they already have Hakim Warrick, so not sure what the exact point is. Is this what the draft has been reduced to - picking backups? I don't really know, I haven't paid this much attention to the draft in years, but I remember the entire first round seeming very impactful. Maybe it was my own naivety.

- Interesting pick here by the Wolves at #28 in UNC's Wayne Ellington. Nobody would ever think he'll be a star, but he could be a good fit with the Wolves. With Miller and Foye shipped out, there really isn't a shooter left on this team. With Rubio and Flynn, there are going to be some drive and kick opportunities. Similar to Curry, Ellington might have just found himself in a situation where he can thrive and produce well above his actual abilities. I don't love this pick, but it could work - work to help them win 21 instead of 19 games the next couple of seasons, but still.

- Ok, screw that. I can't believe they didn't take Blair or Young here. Either of them would have been a good pick at #18, and they are both still there. Ellington is only a good pick here if you are on the cusp of contending and need a shooter to put you over the top. He has no room to improve, and is a good bit role player, but with an upside of Mike Miller. Blair and Young offered you more. Dropped the ball here, big time.

- Lakers take Toney Douglas from FSU and Cleveland grabs some dude from the Congo (genetically altered Ape programmed to kill? That would be a good pick) to close out round 1. I'm tired and drunk and tired and am a little burned out. I'll take a look at round 2 tomorrow.