Man, I am FIRED UP (Live Movie Blog)

Fired up to watch a bad movie that is. No sharks or other beasties, which I know is preferred round here, but I did a live blog of the movie Made of Honor to some critical acclaim, so I'm back for more.

Tonight we are taking in "Fired Up", a movie about two guys who skip out on football camp to instead go to Cheerleader Camp to "score chicks." Should be thrilling.

- I watched about half the hockey game tonight. It was a good time, actually. Congrats Penguins. I hate the Wings, and I don't even watch hockey. I don't know why I do, but I do. Probably because Bear used to kick my ass all the time with Fedorov and the Wings on Sega's NHL games. God those were awesome. Yves Racine was pretty damn good on there for the Canadians, too.

- The two male leads in this are Hunter from the Office (Jan's assistant who made bad music and slept with her) and Gunter from Beerfest. Yes, I plan to refer to them as Hunter and Gunter throughout this live blog. Seriously, that just made this movie about ten times better.

- We have a real American Pie vibe going on here so far. A makeout party of four but the dad's of the girls show up to interrupt and are now chasing Hunter and Gunter who jump a fence and end up in a pool filled with hot chicks in bikinis. Verdict so far: Not the worst thing I've ever seen yet.

- Holy crap! Their football coach is Bookman. You know, Library Cop Bookman! Awesome-o. His pissed at our heroes right now because while they are in the football huddle they aren't concentrating on football and are looking at hot chicks instead. This movie has a real one track mind. I wish I was drunk. Nothing my good friend Jeremiah Weed can't fix.

- Hunter is not only a superstar football all-star stud and get's all the hot trim, but he's a genius at science too. Damn this guy sounds a lot like me.

- Bookman just yelled at Gunter in the hallway. His exact speech was, "Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over." Crazy, right?

- Oh my gosh you guys, Hunter & Gunter just decided to go to cheer camp and the "300 girls who all want it" instead of sweating their balls off at football camp. Of course, Gunter also just said, "I could have a dick in my mouth and two in each hand and I'd still be straight." So, that was awkward.

- Hey it's the hot chick from Disturbia. She's the head cheerleader. I'm going to make a wild prediction here, and say that underneath their horny teenage piggery, either Hunter or Gunter has a heart of gold, and Disturbia lady learns to love him as he renounces his player ways. Of course, I'm guessing there will be some kind of misunderstanding at some point that causes her to distrust him and he has to win her back over. I know, crazy, right?

- FYI - it was 15 years ago today that O.J. was framed. Thank god the justice system saw through that little charade. Now if only someone can untangle the web of lies and injustices that got Chuck Manson behind bars.

- The cheerleader coach is Ed Rooney's assistant from Ferris Bueller's day off. Those two doofuses just asked her if they could join the cheerleading squad, and she said, "Well, with your bad back you really shouldn't be throwing anyone." HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

- oooooh plot twist. Cheer camp lasts 3 weeks, but there's some big party our heroes want to got to in two weeks. The plan is to hook up like crazy for two weeks, then bail, pissing everybody off, and get to the party. I'm predicting that Gunter, who is clearly not the one with a heart of gold (think Cooper from Eurotrip), will convince Hunter to leave and go to the party which will make Disturbia chick pissed off and that will be the conflict and then somehow he will win her back. Ugh.

- You know, there are a LOT of hot chicks with big racks in this movie. I'm almost positive I could watch this on mute.

- Here's a picture of that Disturbia chick, FYI:


- Dudes' bunkmates: Gay, hilarious Indian (dot not feather) dude, a mascot who doesn't talk, black guy trying to be the first in his family to go to college by getting a cheer scholarship, and a long-haired dude who seems like he wants to party but is actually really into cheering. It's like the freaking U.N.

- Wow, this movie is really not subtle. They just referenced a cheerleader move called the "Fountain of Troy" but then the cheer camp head dude said, "That move is way too dangerous and way too hard and it's completely off limits." I wonder if Hunter and head cheer chick are going to end up doing that later. I like a little subtly in my movies, but this is pretty much as subtle as a Shannon Tweed movie on Cinemax.

- Why are Heidi Fleiss, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Greg Luganus the worst golf team ever assembled? Because Heidi Hooks, OJ Slices, Kennedy is in the drink and Greg is always in the wrong hole.

- I just realized this movie is rated PG-13 which, these days, basically guarantees there won't be any nudity. So the one thing that could really save this, gratuitous nudity, can't. I'm making my next drink a double.

- There sure is a lot of making out in this movie. This might as well be an abstinence parable along the lines of Twilight at this point. Plus, they are both making out with a different girl in every scene, including a montage-type scene stolen right out of Wedding Crashers (except set to the immortal Jackson 5's immortal ABC). That's not very holy, and it's not very safe. Especially in these swine flu laden times, not to mention Mono, Herpes, and I think you can get the HIV from kissing too. This movie is really irresponsible, and is unsafe for the youth of america to watch. I'm writing a letter.

- Remember Eliza Dushku in that one cheerleading movie? Man was she hot. Remember?


- Disturbia girl is starting to fall for Hunter. I'm on pins and needles here folks. Pins. And. Needles.

- Whoa. Disturbia girl has a fiance, who just showed up at camp, completely ruining Hunter's plan. But, huge shocker here, he's a giant douchebag. I'm actually kind of upset with myself that I didn't see that coming. He's taking her to Red Lobster. Which makes me kind of hungry, because I really like shrimp. But not that hungry, because I had steak from super classy Outback tonight. Not Snake though. He had possum that he and his psycho kid shot with a BB gun. Not kidding.

- Hunter admits he likes Disturbia girl. Gunter not pleased. Conflict brewing.

- Hot chicks practicing cheering in a lake while wearing nothing except their underwear. This is the greatest movie ever.

- BOOBS! BOOBS! In a PG-13 movie! This is a great day for me, and for America.

- Shit. I just laughed out loud for like the fourth or fifth time. Between that and the boobs, this movie might not suck as much as I originally thought it would. Plus they just showed a clip from that cheerleader movie with Eliza Dushku and Eliza Dushku was in it. Look, I'm not saying it's good, but it's not as horrid as I thought it would be. Like way better than Made of Honor.

- Have you ever seen You, Me, and Dupree? Dawger is basically Dupree.

- Disturbia chick's boyfriend was talking to his friends and admitted he doesn't even like Disturbia chick but his parents approve of her so they buy him stuff and also that he cheated on her over and over again. And of course, Hunter overheard him. So this would be where he tells her, she accuses him of lying, he leaves camp to go the party, but then she really needs him to win the competition, so he agrees to do the Fountain of Wayne or whatever and they pull it off and win the championship. I'd be willing to just turn the movie off now, but you never know when there will be random boobs in this movie apparently, and I can't miss it.

- Ooooh. Disturbia and Hunter were almost going to kiss, but then he started to drop the water cooler he was carrying. My heart was all a twitter too. And now it's time to go to the party, and Gunter wants to leave (he's had enough of the cheerleader chicks) while Hunter wants to stay (he cares about the team). I told you. Note: they decided not to go.

- You know what else I told you? That Dan Haren would be awesome this year, and sure enough, he is. Leads the NL in ERA at 2.33 and WHIP at 0.85. Zero point eight five!!! That's exactly half of Jesse Crain's WHIP. Although when you put it that way it's not nearly as impressive, but then again I assumed Crain was allowing about three runners per inning or so.

- Our main characters' word for Douchey is "Nickelbacky." Awesome.

- Oh my. All the cheerleaders on the good team start whining about how they aren't very good, and Hunter, in a COMPLETE AND UNEXPECTED 180 from his earlier persona gives them a big pick-me-up speech, using phrases like, "Take chances or you shouldn't even be here", "you can go as far as you want", "Bet big or go home ", and "big ass titties." Well I'm fired up. I'm going to go join a high school cheerleading team. :money:

- TRAINING MONTAGE!!!!!

- Busted. Douchebag Disturbia boyfriend guy found the dude's bus tickets and showed them to Disturbia chick. And even though she admits to knowing initially he was only there to get chicks but thinking he started caring about cheering, and even though they decided not to use the tickets to go home, she gets pissed. This makes no sense. THEY ALREADY MISSED THEIR BUS BECAUSE THEY DECIDED NOT TO LEAVE. This is like, days after they needed to get on the bus. This movie was actually decent, but now I hate it. I hate it more than I hate all of you. And I hate all of you alot. Now our heroes are on their way home. Sad.

- Wow, we have an anal beads in the mouth joke. Everything about this is going downhill in a hurry.

- At their party, not having fun, depressed, decide to go back to cheer camp, blah blah blah. I'm out.

- Big speech, team takes them back, chick still pissed. Ugh.

- Brandon Marshall skipped Bronco mini-camp, in the least surprising thing that's ever happened. I'm not entirely sure, but with all his legal issues and team discipline problems, he might be the worst person ever. He's like the Michael Vick of the NFL.

- We've just had about fifteen minutes straight of actual cheerleading performances. Awesome.

- THEY'RE GOING TO TRY THE FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE MOVE!!! Who could have seen this coming? Crazy!

- And they pulled it off. All that without ever having practiced it. My heart stopped. I'm truly touched. You know, the first hour or so of this was actually pretty entertaining. The last half hour was garbage. I'm going to go ahead and give this a non-recommendation - but just a mild one. Believe me, I'm shocked to be giving it anywhere near that positive of a review. I mean, there aren't even any sharks in it, how good can it be?