Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Larry David is My Friend

Still here in L.A., or, more accurately Marina del Rey (or Marina del Gay) and just got back from the Laker game at Staples. The game went to double O.T. and the Bobcats actually won, but that's not the important thing. The important thing happened before the game even started, which stresses the importance of getting to games on time, a skill that has been sorely lacking for me when it comes to Gopher games.

We're sitting there up in the third deck, basically the top of the world and the only seats we could get for under $100, and before the game we see some people standing around with tags around their necks that say "Curb Your Enthusiasm Crew." We assume they're in some kind of fancy skybox or something as a thank you or crew get together or something. Not so. Right before the game is about to start, they turn on the cameras and all of a sudden Larry David and the guy who plays Jeff start walking up the stairs. Of our section. About ten feet away from me.

Awesome. They go up and sit in their seats, two rows behind us, and do this about five or six times to get the shots they need. They then leave before the ball even tips off, but it was a truly excellent experience, especially considering I think of Larry David as pretty much the comedic genius of all-time. I didn't get to talk to him or anything of course, but at one point he looked at me and we made eye contact and I'm pretty sure he gets that we should be friends. So now I consider us so. Probably even best friends, I don't know, I don't want to speak for Mr. David. I have a cell phone video of him walking up the stairs, but I have no idea how to post it or youtube it or whatever you kids do, so I suppose you'll have to take my word for it. But if you're some fancy rich guy who gets HBO and you watch the next season of Curb, in the episode where he gets nosebleeds to a Laker game, look for the really handsome guy who gets all the chicks in a black polo shirt - that's me.

- Overall Staples was pretty cool. Very nice stadium, where the third deck actually has a better view than the Target Center, although I haven't been there in years and haven't sat in anything other than a suite in over five years. The funny thing was we ended up with an extra ticket, because the dude we were going to go to the game with (my boss) ended up having to fly home early, and we wanted to sell his ticket for beer money, since they are $9 at Staples (for a Miller Lite) but you can't scalp tickets there.

So there were a bunch of people just walking around and would say under their breath, "need tickets?" or "got tickets?" We tried to play the game but we aren't really Golgo 13 kind of guys, so the closest we got to selling the ticket was when I tried to get a guy to buy it for one dollar and he wouldn't take it. At that point we just decided to go in and forget it, but when we were in line to get it some dude comes up and asks if anybody has a ticket. We say yes, to which he says, "Can I have it?" And we said "how much" and he said, "no man, I just really want to see the game, I don't have any money." And he looks somewhere between a homeless guy and a hippy, and he's white, so we are like, "ok fine, but buy us a beer." Obviously we don't really expect anything, but we don't want to have to buy him a beer. So we get in and we go into the souvenir shop and the dude ditches us, and we don't see him again. But at about halftime, some mexican kid shows up with the actual ticket we gave that dude. We didn't ask him how that whole thing went down, but I'm pretty confused here because it's not like it's a premium ticket. Very weird.

- Overall it's been a pretty good day out here in Marina del Gay, mostly because our boss is the one who left and we've been able to accomplish twice as much in half the time. I didn't get any more insight into the peculiarities of women of varying ethnicities, but we went to a bunch of stores today, which is what we're out here for - to understand the L.A. market because it's very different from Minneapolis. Although at one point we accidentally ending up at the Crenshaw Walmart (Crenshaw is the neighborhood Boyz N the hood was based on), where it was really busy and we were literally (and I mean literally not the way stupid people use the word) the only white people in building. It was a little scary but not really because it's California and the people here are pretty much hippie pacifists, much like the people in Madison.

Not only did I meet and become best friends with Larry David, but I also got to try In-N-Out Burger for the first time (good, but a bit overrated) and I got to walk out on the pier at Venice Beach and have a beer whilst overlooking the Pacific Ocean, which I've rarely seen. Pretty cool day.

- As far as the game goes, Kobe Bryant shoots the ball the time but also looks about ten times more athletic than everybody else out there, Adam Morrison cut his hair and completely sucks, and the best thing was watching Shannon Brown play well. I've always been a Shannon Brown fan, and tonight he scored 14 points and looked really good, especially since he was matched up on both ends against your boyfriend Kobe all night. Really like that kid.

- If you really want to be entertained, check out the post below this one ("L.A. is garbage") and head down into the comments section. It once again proves what I think everybody knows - the commenters are what really make this sight go. God bless you people.

- Remember on Seinfeld, how there's that whole thing about when George and Elaine have to be together without Jerry it's totally awkward and then have nothing to talk about? Well that's crap. Because in an earlier episode they work together to slip George's ex-boss a mickey, so they should be pretty comfortable around each other.

- Oh, and the guy I was with tonight, who seems like a pretty solid guy despite the constant racist and sexist comments, gave me an interesting statement tonight. He said, "When I have the opportunity to go golf with clients or co-workers I love to take it, because I usually come off as a god." So I was like, "Wow, what's your handicap" and he said, "about a fifteen." A fifteen. And you're a god? I was expecting more of a "3" or similar answer. Hell, my good friend 2P is like a three, and that guy sucks.

- If you're looking for a Gopher/Illinois preview, you should just go ahead and check one of the other blogs. I know you're thinking I should do it, but jesus christ stop being so god damn lazy and do your own research, I'm not your mom.

- Since everybody scared the golf guy away, here's your preview: If Mickelson doesn't win, it's going to be Baddeley or Snedeker. Sleepers: Villegas and Howell.

- By the by, if you're thinking about hoops here, Notre Dame is one of the worst defensive teams ever. Harangody looks like a Neanderthal, but it seems he's pretty effective. After than Mcalarney is a damn good shooter and Tory Jackson is good but a horrible shooter. That's pretty much it, and coupled with their horrid defense they could be an easy out.

- I think maybe my sleeper pick of Baylor is not going to quite pan out. Now, the first time I ever picked a sleeper and put money on them it was Syracuse at 40-1 and it was the year they won, so expect to win every year, but I don't think Baylor has the horses and losing to almost every good team they've played doesn't exactly win me over. It's not as bad of a pick as that Missouri team I thought would be awesome when they had Paulding and those other guys and missed the tourny, but I'm starting to think Baylor has no shot.

- For that one weirdo one time who wanted more baby pics, here you go:

That's her dicking around in her grib. As far as a Wonderbaby genius update, she currently says "hi" to pretty much everyone and everything, and the first time she saw stairs she didn't F around and just booked ass heading upwards. So smart. Much cuter and intelligent than Souix Baby (tm)

- Speaking of Sioux, I miss Super Sioux fan.

- Speaking of babies, you people should really buy more condoms. But only the most famous brand, none of that second or economy brand crap. And if you're a condom buyer, some real advice is to buy them at a place like Target. Honestly drug stores mark them up so crazy, don't ever buy there.

- We drove past Pepperdine today. Pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.

- Have you ever done this steak for the cash garbage on ESPN? That shit is hard. I had a streak of five at one point, but since 2009 started my best is only two, and I'm actually something like 8-12. Way harder than I would have thought.

- Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

- You want to know who I don't feel sorry for; Brandon Jennings. You should remember him as the #1 recruit before this season who was too effing dumb to get into anywhere, even Arizona, and decided instead to just head over to Italy to play ball, hoping to still get drafted highly next season. Well, he gave an interview this week where he cried about not getting paid on time, and getting treated like a kid and how some nights he didn't even play. well cry me a river you big baby. How about qualifying instead and getting into a school? Thamk god it seems this isn't working out so we don't have to worry about this turning into a whole thing.

- I really can't recommend the King of Kong any more highly. You've got to rent it. So good.

- too drunk now. hope that was good. westbrook still takes carter in a fight. Illini 68, Gophers 61. Here's a picture to make it up to you. Can we still be friends? Although I'm best buds with Larry David so I don't really care.


bogart said...

How can you mention that should-have-been great Missouri team without mentioning Arthur "Arty" Johnson?

Optimator said...

What is this all about? I can't imagine that there is any validity to this.

mama D said...

Okay #1 NO baby is cuter then Baby Sioux Fan....this is obvious. Plus she is kick ass. And since we live in the ghetto she is tough as shit. We actually feed her a mix of nails and screws for breakfast instead of cereal...She loves it.
Her only down fall as of now is her lack of hair...I wonder where she gets that??? hmmmm....

#2 Super Sioux Fan will return no worries.

pS. Vampires are gay...

snacks said...

Tubby is just a hot name now because of how quickly he has turned the Gophers around and is on everyone with an opening's wish list. Of course they are going to throw his name out there and Alabama would love to have him. The word has been that there is pretty much no chance of him leaving and it is just wishful thinking on their part. I'm not concerned about it, he's building too good of a thing around here and is practically thought of as a god too leave.

weird guy who wanted more baby pictures said...

Thanks for the baby pictures ;)

Lefty Snake said...

WWWWWWW, how did you not mention Big Arty? He was a rich mans version of Shaq in the big 12. Not mentioning Arty is the equivalent of talking about the 2008-09 Boilermakers and not mentioning JaJuan (college KG) Johnson. I question your basketball IQ more and more each day.

That racist bastard Painter only allowed JaJuan to shoot 4 times vs Wisco last night. Your company should hire Painter. He would fit right in with your other co-workers.

Randy Shaver said...

Sounds like SSF has a case of teh baby goggles
January 25: Baby Goggles

A phenomenon where the parents of an ugly baby think their baby is adorable and no one else does.

SSF: Here's our little bundle of joy! Isn't she just the cutest thing ever?!?
EVERYONE (after one look at SSF's ugly baby): Ohhhh...! Yessss....
EVERYONE: I think SSF has baby goggles - that's got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

Also I just reported on the 6:00 news that the Tubby leaving for Bama rumors are simply that, just rumors.

Lastly, Audrina is HOT. If you want to see her sans the bikini just Google her...tasty trim.

Dawg said...

Randy Shaver aka The Todd- You are that hard up for material that you need to start ripping on kids? New flash Randy.....Kids are off limits you fat slimey fuck. If you make that mistake again I will hunt you down and kick your fat face in.

snacks said...

Dawg, although The Todd usually is the one molesting himself over the pictures on this page, "Randy Shaver" is clearly Snake (the lefty). I think "trim" is his all time favorite word.

Dawg said...

Left Snake works with SSF and would not be crazy enough to write that message. Also Lefty Snake doesn't know what the word sans means.

SSF said...

First off my kid is the furthest thing from ugly. Second of all your clearly going to die.
Third you will never admit to who you are because you are a GIANT Pussy who makes fun of babies.
You didnt even get a rise out of me because I know you are either a sore Todd or Optimator or you live in your mothers basement.
Either way your fucking pathetic.

snacks said...

Actually, now that I think about it, it must be The Todd. I know he gets an urban dictionary word of the day email or something like that, which he apparently just cut and pasted into the comment. Sorry to out you like that Todd, now you face the wrath of SSF.

WWWWWW said...

Why do people keep provoking her? She's going to end up killing me someday and it's all your faults.

Lefty Snake said...

Just for the record that was not me who took the shot at baby sioux fan. sadly, Dawger is one of my best friends and that kind of crap is off limits. Actually, I wouldn't even use that material on Lawrence Westbrook and I despise him. Lastly, Randy Shaver???? Other than my Grandmother, I can't name another person who watches the 6 PM news. Get a life loser!

Snacks, it is that kind of reasoning that will lead to Bogart mopping the courtroom floor with you in Blue Vampires trial. A good lawyer would know Twat is my favorite word. I only use the word trim when talking about 15 year old girls with braces.

You all go back to threatening each other lives. Just keep this lefty out of it. I have a blue vampire to worry about.

snacks said...

snake - that all would have come out in the early stages of discovery, i don't need to know everything about you before the suit.

I am actually really looking forward to it, after we bring out a trial your propensity for teaching your young son to swear, overuse of the word twat, and chomo tendencies in referring to young girls as "trim," being a vampire who craves snake blood isn't going to seem all that bad. Bogart can proper vouch for the fact that juries rarely give two shits about the law and tend to side with whoever they like more. With the picture I can paint of you, the blue snake vampire is going to look like Mother Teresa and will be home free.

Anonymous said...

Snacks may be right on this one Snake.

Dawg said...

Snacks - Do you try many patent cases in front of a jury? I thought those cases usually wind up on Peoples Court or Judge Judy?(you can't see me but I'm currently snickering)

My money is on Bogart in the People vs The Blue Vampire.

Lefty Snake said...

Snacks- Bogart can also vouch for the fact the people love animals more than humans.....rookie! Once bogart brings up all of Blue's animal torture Jr. Lefty Snakes propensity to use four letter words and my sweet heart from the gophers game will be an after thought. Jr. Snake could show up in court and call the judge an M F'er and the jury will still think he is sweetheart once Bogart is done masterfully painting the picture of your freak client. A vampire and an animal torturer? In the business that is referred to as a led balloon. Face it, you have a winless case. Just give me his coffin and cave and we can save ourselves a bunch of time here.

P.S. You are starting to sound like a vampire lover.

snacks said...

Dawg - I am really confused about what point you are trying to make, if you have one.

Snake - I guess we'll have to let the jury decide. The only thing people despise more than animal cruelty is child molestation, so I think it will be a close case. I notice your lawyer hasn't pitched in here yet...probably because he knows you are a lost case!

p.s. I am not a vampire lover, I am just a zealous advocate for my clients

Lefty Snake said...

Snacks, Don't over exaggerate my Gopher sweetheart "situation". I would be considered a creepy old man with a poor eye for "of age" trim, not a chomo. Just have him sign over that coffin and cave already. You can't win this case. Do you really want to be known as the guy who defends vampires?

Bogart, what am I paying you for? Now I do the tracking and the fancy lawyering?

Super sioux fan said...

You guys are idiots and your changing the subject. Some dumb fuck called my kid fugly and all this courtroom vampire talk is getting him out of it.
My money is on Optimator.....are you gonna fess up or just be a vag about it.

The Todd said...

Jesus, where was my invite to this party?

I've completely lost track with all this smart lawyer talk. All I know is that Dawg and Super Sioux Fan want to kill me and someone thinks I'm Randy Shaver? I'm so confused.

Snacks, I know tons of people who get the UD word of the day emailed to them. Thanks for throwing me under the bus though. I happen to love babies..."Get. In. My. Belly."

Since I took the day off to get DirecTV hooked up, I'm going to dig into this case of Gleuks Light.


bogart said...

Sorry Snake for not chiming in earlier but real lawyers are busy all day winning cases for thier clients, not posting comments under cute screen names on thier brother's two-bit blog all day. I was actually in Court all morning - maybe one day snacks will see what the inside of one of those looks like. As far as your kid's potty mouth and your lust for young trim, I'll make sure none of that gets in - its all inadmissible. Even if it does get in, I don't think it will hurt your case. Who doesn't love young trim? And I think the jury will find it cute when Snake Jr. calls the vampire a "douche" - and will probably agree with him. Case closed.

WWWWWW said...

I was going to try to figure out who posted the Randy Shaver comment, in order to point out the culprit and fulfill Mama Dawger's need for blood (hm, perhaps vampiric tendencies lie there as well) but I waited to long and the posting info dropped off my traffic logger thing.

Sorry, I won't be able to track down the hooligan. Hopefully he/she will come forward and admit their wrongdoing, at least so SSF has a new target for her bloodlust instead of me (and my whole family).

The Todd said...

WWWWW, now that I have TBN, you should come over and watch the game with me tonight. We could brush each other's hair etc. Call me.

WWWWWW said...


Optimator said...

Ok SSF, you are clearly grabbing at straws. It wasn't me. Trash talking "baby mamas" = OK. Trash talking babies is not Ok.

Good effort though.

Optimator said...

Damn it WWWWW! Where is your fancy IP trace so I can be vindicated. Bush league.

When do I get to meet SSF in person, seriously? SSF, you seem awfully on-edge on this blog. I'm not sure if I should be frightened to meet you or not.

"I'd like to buy you guys a round of beers just to bury the hatchet."