Tuesday, January 27, 2009

L.A. is garbage

As much as I hate to step on a Sidler post, seeing as they are so rare, I have no choice since I'm out here in L Gay and it sucks because I have no car and the two people I'm with are lame as hell. How lame, you ask? So lame that we were back at the hotel at 8pm. 8 freaking pm. In Los Angeles. We had a nice dinner and all (Bacon wrapped filet, steamed colossal malaysian prawns, steamed asparagus) but then it was straight back to the hotel at 8. And I know these guys are better than that. They are in their mid-forties/early fifties, and some drops of wisdom I picked up today were, "American Indian chicks are hot until they turn twenty" and "Hawaiian girls are amazing until they get married, then they get fat." Sounds like good guys, right? Yet, extremely lame. So lame that when I was talking to the bartender about Jamaica one of them actually asked, "so are you rastafarian or what?" and when I was talking to him about eating goat, which aparently they do, he said, "oh my god why don't you just eat cat." For reals.

So this is pretty lame. I had no other recourse but to pound vodka like I was my dad, and now I have plenty of beer and time in the hotel room (it's only 10) to type some stupid crap that sucks. So just read it.

- Oh my god Jumper is on HBO right now. I'm not even kidding. This is the worst movie ever. Anakin and Summer? That would never work.

- So I'm currently reading American Psycho, and what's awesome is that in the first chapter alone the main character, Patrick Bateman, orders a cranberry & vodka and also calls someone a zipperhead. What's awesome about this is that it proves that cranberry & vodka is a totally manly drink, and that zipperhead is an awesome term. I only wish it wasn't racist. Seriously, it just sounds so good. It would be like when Dawger is all like, "god JAS is some awesome" I could call him a zipperhead, but I can't, and it makes me sad.

- Have you ever had flaming hot funyuns? Me neither, until tonight. They're hot, and they're funyony. Good stuff.

- I'm really havin gsome trouble typing here.

- Sports right, I'm supposed to be about sports. So did you here about the New Jersey Institute of Technology finally winning a game last week after losing like 50 or something in a row? That's great from them, and all, but mostly kind of sad. I mean, they play teams like Longwood and Bryant; barely even real schools. Shouldn't you be able to win more often? And if you can't, maybe you should rethink your D-I status.

- On the positive, I'm going to the Laker game tomorrow. Or maybe that's a negative. I don't know.

- It's freaking bizarre out here how all the sports are done by 8, or at least the college hoops. and what ever happened to big Monday? Am I crazy or didn't there used to be games on at like 11pm central time, which would be nine out here? there aren't anymore apparently, and that sucks. I want to sit here and be drunk and watch Rico Tucker but I can't. I'll just have to gaze at the topless pictures of him on facebook instead:

- Whooo. I'm hot. Let's calm things down for a minute and talk about how Marquette beat Notre Dame in south bend tonight. That was yet another big win for the Eagles, and I think they might be encroaching on final four territory at this point. That trio of guards they have is pretty much in another league. I can't even decide who is the best one. They're so good, and the fact that they can stop a team like Notre Dame and a guy like Harangoy speaks volumes. Let's go ahead and pencil them in for the final four.

- Psycho T is still the worst nickname ever.

- Too drunk. Sorry. I'm really letting myself down here.


snake said...

Hello, looking on Google for Snake wine information I found your website, do you have anything more posted here related to Snake wine liquor ?
Snake wine is shown there:

I previously bought a snake wine I am now looking for any other creature wine as mice or tokay, any idea where to find ?

Thanks a lot for your help.

The Real Snake said...

Fake Snake, You son of a BITCH! Don't be coming to DWG and stealing my handle. What is the internet coming to. Bogart, do I have any legal recourse with this clown?

Dawg said...

How come you don't ask Snacks if you have any legal recourse?

PS Is that Nikki Hilton in the picture with Rico Tucker?

snacks said...

Yeah, I'm the IP attorney. Talk to Bogart when you get a DUI or have a domestic or need a bookie. And no, believe it or not, you do not own the rights to the name "snake."

I think its funny the fake snake found the site by googling "snake wine" I guess snake or dawg must have misspelled "whine" at some point, because we have a lot of "snake whine" here.

bogart said...

Snake, you can hire Snacks if you want a pushover who folds in the face of adversity. You always have legal rights - what do you want me to do with this phony bastard!

Dawg said...

I think we are all missing the point here. The Snake that actually took the time to register his name is one sick pony. He drinks wine made out of animal blood. He was so desperate that he went to a MN sports blog to find one other sick SOB that could give him leads on where he might be able to quench his thirst.

Does that make Blue Snake a vampire? If so I would let him have that name because his thirst may require human blood eventually and the first victims may be the real snake and his attorney. Thats why I suggested you talk to Snacks. Good job Bogart now the Blue Snake vampire is going to drip dry you and drink you with a steak.

Non-Blue Non-Vampire Snake said...

Bogart- I/we want everything this snaggle tooth SOB owns. I look at at this case the same as identity theft. Pretty soon people are going to think I am a vampire because of this freak. You better not back down because this guy is a vampire either.

Dawger can you start referring to me as lefty Snake since my handle is black?

snacks said...

blue snake -

do you need someone to defend you against lefty snake and bogart's preposterous claims? I think we may have a defamation counterclaim against them and dawg for all of this vampire talk. did you know bogart has a huge house with a tv covering an entire wall? that could be ours. Unless of course you really are a vampire, in which case truth is a defense and we'll get nowhere on our defamation claim.

think about it and get back to me.

Dawg said...

Did you see when the vampire posted his comment? 2:10 am. Case closed, he is a vampire. That is if it wasn't convincing enough that he has a thirst for animal blood.

Lefty Snake - Blue Snake's only possessions are a tux, a coffin and a dark cave. I would just change your screen name.
Thanks WWWW. Your dumb blog has put us in direct contact with vampires.

Lefty Snake said...

Then I want his cave and coffin. Billy have you tracked blue Snake down yet. This case should be a slam dunk with Snacks defending this guy/thing.

Dawger, Quit being such a pussy. Your house is surrounded by leftys. It is a well know fact that vampires hate lefty blood so he isn't coming into your neighborhood anyway. You have never been more safe in your house.

vampires are scary said...

This has been the most entertaining collection of posts yet. I love it. And Dawger you got owned BIG TIME.

klinger said...

Hey W -

Your job is a traveling condom salesman, correct?

Does the sex industry have an inverted relationship with the rest of the economy (i.e. economy in tank, condom sales through roof)?

How else could your company afford to feed you filet and prawns and all of these other fancy dinners?

Is it like when we had the Halloween snowstorm back in '91, and then 9 months later a shit ton of kids were born. Except now everyone is stuck at home because they're poor, and they certainly can't afford more kids, so they go ahead and bag it up?

trojan man said...

that's not it klinger. With the economy down people eschew condoms for the ever popular pull-out method or choose to engage in relations with alternative orifices, so condom sales are also down

bogart said...

Lefty Snake, you know its your job to track people down for me, so once you do that we'll take that vampire down!

WWWWWW said...

Sorry about the Vampires. I figured with Dr. Acula on board we had already hit our quota, but I guess we're just a magnet here at DWG for these things.

Kling - yes, condom sales do ok in a poor economy, but there isn't as big a boost as you'd think, except for theft. And Valentines day is right around the corner and the week leading up to it is the biggest of the year. Also, I am not a traveling salesman. I'm in sales, but not a traveling salesman who goes door to door or store to store or some such.

Also, I plan to manage my alcohol a bit better tonight. I'm planning to get back to my room with a good buzz on rather than in a state which leaves me unable to properly type or think.

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