I promise that I plan to get back to doing the week in review type posts every Monday, but Easter weekend was hectic as all hell and by the time I finally got to sit down on a stupid computer it was late Sunday and I just didn't have the energy or care enough to slap together something. Plus, that wouldn't live up to the fine tradition I've started here of high quality postings every single time. I couldn't possibly betray you that way, gentle reader, so I just didn't type up anything. Instead I'll just put together my thoughts into this evening's post. Just like this:
- Tip o' the ole cap to our buddy Grandslam for bringing this to my attention, but guess how much money Kyle Lohse is going to make this year. Go ahead, guess. You're way low. It's $12 million. Nope, not in his career, but this year alone Lohse will make $12 mother-effing million dollars. And in 2009 and 2010 combined he made about $16 million to deliver right around a combined 200 below-average innings to the Cardinals. This, my friends, would be why you don't suddenly throw a 4-year, $41 million extension at a pitcher with a history of mediocrity simply because he has one slighly above average season, especially when advanced metrics can tell you, if you take the time to put down the binoculars and game worn miniature scorebook pencil, that he was a little bit lucky and you can fully expect him to regress back to the same mediocre pitcher.
Now Lohse is off to a 3-1 start and coming off a gem of a 2-hit shutout against Washington (WASHINGTON!!), and has a low ERA and WHIP, but honestly you don't need advanced metrics to tell you he's not that good (note: he's been very, very lucky so far). He's an average pitcher at best who has just enough of a live arm that he's going to jump up and give you a good start or two here or there - he did it for the Twins, he did it for the Phillies, and he's done it before for these very same Cardinals. But guess what? There's not a chance in hell he's worth $12 million.
Want to know the best part? When they extended him they also gave him a full no-trade clause. L-O-freaking-L. Who's running this team, McHale? I'm expecting another extension any day.
- And since we are on the subject of former Twins' pitcher who define mediocrity (or worse) guess who currently has a no-hitter through five innings against the Yankees? Phil freaking Humber. I know there's no way this can last more than another batter or two, but could there possibly be a bigger kick in the nuts? Player acquired for former superstar who the team couldn't afford to keep who washes out pitches a no-hitter for a hated division rival against the old team's arch nemisis that's bounced them from the playoffs the last three times they've been there? Honestly, the only way you could possibly make this worse is to have it be a playoff game. But yeah, this will do. Ouch.
- Greivis Vasquez plays a meaningful role for the Grizzlies? I had no idea (but I guess why would I when it pertains to the Memphis NBA team). I've been watching this game for about four game minutes and he's hit two buckets as well as a three-pointer. I think he might be MVP.
- Humber now through six. Still hitless. If he can get through the seventh (Granderson, Texeira, A-Rod) he'll have a chance. Of course, that still lives Cano. Wait. I got it. He's going get all the way to the last out, which will be Jeter. Jeter will break it up. All announcers/journalists everywhere will collectively mess their shorts to race to their typewriters to write up an article about how tough he is and his intangibles. One journalist will out-crazy them all by writing about how he believes "some part of Jeter really didn't want to break that up, because he knew what a great story it was, but he's such a competitor that the though of lying down never crossed his mind." Book it.
- I just realized A.J. Burnett is on the other side of this, and he's only allowed 2 hits and one run. This is like bizarro-world. There must be a five-hundred mile per hour wind blowing in, the infield grass must be three times longer than normal, and whoever is umping home plate obviously is calling everything a strike tonight. That has to be it, no?
- Moment of silence of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, who died nine years ago today. You may remember her as the crazy as shit broad from TLC who burned down Andre Rison's house, but what you might not remember is that Andre Rison died exactly four years ago today. Creepy, right? But I should mention that I actually have no idea if Andre Rison is dead or alive, and if he is dead he probably didn't die on this date. But he could have, and that's creepy.
- I just read that a judge or something lifted the NFL lockout. I'm not going to lie to you. I have no idea what this means. All I know is I want scab players in at least one NFL game. Come on. Tell me you don't want to see Adam Weber throw a TD pass to some 33-year old slob who was selling cars or schlepping concrete last year. How much fun would it be to go through the rosters and see guys you remember as the third WR on Michigan in 2002 and be all like, "Ronald Bellamy! I remember that guy! He's a fag!" Seriously, it would be like Christmas.
- A-Rod breaks up the no-hitter with one down in the 7th. I feel both relieved and saddened at the same time.
- That Joe Mauer/Troy Polamolu commercial creeps me out.
- I know what you're wondering. You're wondering what's going on with the NBDL right now. Well I'll tell you. They've reached the finals (which is a best of three affair) and the Iowa Energy are up on the Rio Grande Valley Vipers after taking game one by a score of 123-109. Iowa was led by Curtis "The Curt Man" Stinson who notched a triple-double (29-10-10). Also apparently Stinson was MVP of the D-League. How proud of that would you be? I'd say it's kind of like getting into Harvard and getting a communications degree. I mean, it's better than slinging crack or living off welfare, but even so you gotta feel like you didn't quite get everything out of life that you maybe should have.
- I don't know how anybody could root for the San Antonio Spurs. You have the world's most boring superstar surrounded by a bunch of commies and some ooh la la frenchman who probably smells like Drakkar. Gross.
- Speaking of Drakkar, Memphis is about to be up 3-1 on the Spurs tonight and I can't help but a feel a bit of a pang of jealousy. I know this would be their first playoff series win ever, and they picked up their first playoff win ever earlier, and I also know the Wolves did have that nice run the conference finals, but Memphis being successful when the Wolves are in the pooper makes me, and baby jesus, cry. How can Zach Randolph become a leader? How can a backcourt of O.J. Mayo, Mike Conley, and Tony Allen do, well, anything? And the Wolves are not just worse, but significantly worse. That feels like a place to end. Plus I have to go stab myself in the temple with a crossbow quarrel, but before I go I want to leave with this piece of wisdom...."The eyes are the groin of the head."
- Wait, I just realized I didn't even put a picture in here. So here's a pic of Alison Brie. Top 10, easy. Should also drive some traffic because cash money ya'll.