Friday, November 7, 2008

Return to Awesomesylvania (I mean NBDL draft stuff)

I've done live blogs of movies as I've watched them here before (notably Made of Honor and Jaws IV: The Revenge) and they seem to be semi-well received and I quite enjoy doing it so sit back and let another one have it's way with you as if you've had a good solid dose of GHB. Tonight, Mrs. W and I will be taking in Return to Sleepaway Camp, the fourth in a series of completely awesomely cheesy horror flicks. The first was good, the second was awesome, the third was ok. Hopefully the fourth is good for some drunken entertainment. Oh, yeah, I'm drinking. Shocker.

- We start with a Se7en-like opening, set to a wannabe Nine Inch Nails sounding band complete with newspaper type clippings flashing by far too quickly to read. I like where we're going with this.

- Followed up by a group of young boys in nothing but their underwear lighting farts. I don't necessarily like where this is going. We are now introduced to a main character, a fat kid named Alan, who is so solidly written that Mrs. W asked, "Does that guy have down syndrome." Things are not looking up.

- I'm actually going to the Gopher football game tomorrow, which is the first for me this season. Did you know the Gophers are favored by 8.5? Let me get this straight, a team that has just been exposed as not nearly as good as their record shows is laying more than a TD to a team that has owned them for like, two thousand years? Yeah, I'm taking the Wolverines and the points.

- Holy shit! It's a guy who talks with one of those things you put against your neck and it makes you sound like that part of the Beastie Boys' classic, "Intergalactic." You know, this. Those things are sweet.

- One really good sign about this movie is that all the cliches act appropriately. Jocks act like jocks, stoners act like stoners, black guys act like either 80s rappers or gangsters, and hot chicks act like sluts. Just like a true 80s style horror movie - excellent.

- The dude from the Sopranos who plays Big Pussy is in this movie, and Alan just called him a big pussy. That's the kind of writing that leads to an Oscar someday.

- Speaking of being a definite 80s Horror movie, we just had our first kill - the cook got dumped into a giant deep fryer of hot oil and got his face melted off. Truly an excellent kill that even Jason Voorhees would be proud of. It reminds me of Sleepaway Camp 2 where this super hot chick was killed by being stuffed down a port-o-potty toilet right after she humped some dude wearing a bandana. Also, Mrs. W just remarked, "this doesn't have the same feel as the other ones, it's too all over the place. There's no flow." I have never loved her more than this moment.

- Here's what's confusing, the Down Syndrome kid is confusing. I can't tell if he's supposed to be sympathetic or not. Everyone picks on him, so you'd think you're supposed to feel sorry for him, but he picks on all the younger kids and is generally a dick, so I don't really feel even close to sorry for him and hope he dies. I guess we'll find out how we were supposed to feel by if he lives or dies in the end. It's confusing. I'm as confused as a kid with downs syndrome with a kaleidoscope.

- This is that hot chick who got killed in Sleepaway Camp 2 by getting stuffed down an outhouse toilet after humping a guy wearing a bandana:Her name is Valerie Hartman and you can see more of her by using the google.

- Kill #2: Tie up a stoner so he can't move and pump his mouth full of gasoline. Tape over his mouth so he can't spit out the gas (actually, it was a bumper sticker that said 'Drugs are for Dummies'). Then put a joint through the sticker and in the mouth and light it. It burns down and BAM! Explosion and dead stoner.

- Paintball scene. Direct ripoff of Friday the 13th part VI. I guess if you're going to steal bits, might as well steal from the best.

- I have now been forced to turn the movie, due to Mrs. W saying it sucks too much to even watch. I've never hated her more. It was pretty god awful I will admit, but I would have kept watching, at least to see if there were boobs. Plus, the original trilogy was absolutely classic, so this is a bit of a crushing blow. Much like Jaws IV. So, instead, I'll just comment on the results of tonight's NBDL draft, which I am totally pissed that I forgot to Tivo.

- Round 1, pick 1: Chris Richard, Florida. I thought he was on the Wolves. I'm almost positive. This must be some kind of mistake. Although I guess they could have cut him by now. When you have a guy like the Manatee, you don't really need another fat power forward. And whatever happened to Dametri Hill anyway? The original meathook, because it makes more sense because he played basketball. Dmitri Young is not the meathook. Also the answer is he's playing basketball in the hotbead of action that is Slovakia.

- Round 1, pick 2: James Mays. Either a rookie from Clemson or an old guy from Texas.

- Round 1, pick 3: Jermareo Davidson, Alabama. Good defender. Also i'm realizing there are 10 rounds to this garbage so I can't go through player by player. I'll have to skip to the good ones.

- Round 1, pick 5: Derrick Byars, Vanderbilt. I thought he would be a pretty good NBA player, showing once again that I know nothing about the NBA. Didn't stop me from betting on the Wolves game though.

- Round 1, picks 9 and 12: Denham Brown, UCONN and Smush Parker, Lakers. These guys are like 100. And Parker has already been in the NBA. I don't understand this draft.

- Round 1, pick 15: Cartier Martin, Kansas State. Dude was K-State's best player before Beasley and Billy "sky" Walker showed up. He should have been there with them, but got suspended or kicked off the team or something I don't quite remember, but that team would have been three deep instead of two if he stuck around. Bummer for them.

- Round 2, pick 4: Keith Butler, Temple. Actually if I remember he transferred to DePaul, but what an absolute stiff. I realize the pickings are slim and it's an NBDL draft, but this dude is going in the second round? I just looked it up and he averaged 1.8 points and 2.2 rebounds a game as a senior and he's 7-1. Second round. This is already getting stupid. Also I'm pretty sure John Travolta is secretly gay.

- Round 2, pick 7: Russell Robinson, Kansas. Now this a pick I can get on board with. And did you know Mario Chalmers is averaging 8 points, 4 rebounds, and six assists in 32 minutes a game for the Heat, and had 9 steals in a game already this year? And did you know the Wolves drafted him and then traded him for nothing even though they had a major team weakness at PG? I think I need to take a job out of state so I have an excuse to root for some other teams, this state is a wasteland.

- Round 2, pick 9: James White, Cincinnati. Remember him? Crazy athletic, went to Florida and then something happened I don't remember and ended up at Cincy because they'll gladly take any criminal? Yeah, I liked that dude.

- Round 3, pick 12: Kurt Looby, Iowa. Yep, Kurt Looby. Let's all treat this as a completely legitimate and real league when Kurt Lobby gets drafted.

- Round 4, pick 1: Kris Collins, New Mexico. That's right, the same Kris Collins who originally enrolled at Minnesota but was chased off due to "issues." Way to go Monson, you missed out on a guy who ended up drafted after Kurt Looby. That coul dhave set back the program for decades.

- Round 4, pick 10: Oliver Lafayette, Houston. I will personally guarantee this guy ends up with a stint in the NBA, although short it may be. Can score a bunch, and it turns out they like that.

- Round 5, pick 2: John Gilchrist, Maryland. Wasn't he on his way to being kind of a star, and then had some sort of mental breakdown and/or issues with the coach and ended up being kind of irrelevant? Is that right? Am I thinking of the right guy and right situation or am I way off here? His interests include jet skiing, which, if I may be a grumpy old man for a moment, is really loud and really stupid.

- Round 6, pick 1: Isaiah Fox, Arizona. Was supposed to be a pretty big deal - wasn't. Some may choose to blame it on injuries, I choose to blame it on sucking.

- Round 7, pick 14: Kris Clack, Texas. He's really old, but before he was all old and stuff he was a monster for the Longhorns. He was a shooting guard who couldn't shoot, but he was so quick he could still drive on people and could just jump all over their heads and dunk on their stupid faces. He was like a Rico Tucker who couldn't shoot the three. Or, more accurately, Rico Tucker is like a combination of Kris Clack, Glen Rice, and Magic Johnson.

- Round 10, pick 12: Ashanti Cook, Georgetown. I have nothing really to say here, but he's the only guy in the last three rounds who is even worth mentioning. I really plan to Tivo this next year, I can foresee several laugh out loud moments, like Abu Shamala getting picked. As for now, I will say adios, and I'm sorry the sleepaway camp thing didn't work out. I'm looking forward to my hangover curing screwdriver tomorrow at Jimmy's pre-game. Go Michigan!