Gophers, Twins, Golf, all kinds of crap. Joe U says, "If Joe Posnanski wasn't blogging, you'd be the most entertaining person I read" and Patrick S. says
"Your blog is just about my favorite thing ever"
I know, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. June has been god awfully busy and July isn't looking any better. Once I hit August I should be good to go.
In the meantime, I want to bring your attention to this little ditty I read in the Star Tribune. It's a letter to the editors, and one they named "Letter of the Day" which I really hope was sarcastic. It's from some doof named David in Coon Rapids who thinks it's high time we get Roger Maris in the hall of fame.
Of course, when it comes to the hall, there are plenty of arguments to be had. Tim Raines? Andre Dawson? Bert Blyleven? Alan Trammell? Jack Morris? Sure, they all have a compelling argument to get in. No matter which side you fall on, you can find reasons to at least listen to the other side. Roger Maris? Not really. Sorry David from classy Coon Rapids.
Let's take a quick look at David from Coony's arguments, solid as I'm sure they are:
"While the sportswriters of the world ponder whether Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, etc., will ever make baseball's Hall of Fame, I would like to see similar questioning as to why a star from the past isn't there. Namely Roger Maris."
You know why they ponder if Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa will ever make the hall and not Maris? Because Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa have the numbers - Maris doesn't. Here are their career home run totals: 762, 609, 583, and 275, ; career hits - 2935, 2408, 1626, and 1325; and career OPS+: 182, 162, 128, and 127. Guess which one in each group is Maris. Yep.
"there are only two players in history who have hit 60 home runs in a season without the specter of steroids hanging over their heads. One is Hall of Famer Babe Ruth, and Maris is the other."
This is the one and only point I will concede in this letter. LETTER OF THE DAY.
"Maris was a spectacular fielder"
One gold glove in 12 seasons, a below league average range factor, and just five runs allowed better than average per season.
"an outstanding baserunner"
All of 21 career steals (Delmon has 28 already).
"a two-time MVP and played in six World Series, winning four."
Two MVPS mean something. Winning four means less - particularly when you hit a combined .217/.298/.368. It especially means less when he actually won only three (1961, 1962, and 1967 while losing in 1960, 1963, 1964, and 1968) - and actually played in seven. You're a liar David in Coon Rapids. A liar and an idiot. And that's the worst kind of idiot.
"You also have to remember he broke Ruth's record at Yankee Stadium, despite hatred from even his own fans -- through no fault of Maris."
Completely, totally, and unfathomably irrelevant.
"Skeptics always point to his lifetime batting average, but to me that would be like denying Greg Maddux a spot in Cooperstown because he wasn't a great strikeout pitcher."
This is probably my favorite part. Maris's career average is .260, not in the top 1,000 career marks (that's as high as baseball-reference.com goes - that's baseball-reference.com, where we sponsor the Mo Sanford page). Greg Maddux struck out 3,371 batters in his career, good for tenth all-time, and if you want to get all pissy and insist we use K/9 instead, he ranks a respectable 211th (and is 19th in K/BB). Maris topped the .300 mark zero times in his career, with a career high of .283. Maddux struck out more than 190 batters in a season five times, with a career high of 204 (and was in the top 3 in the league five times) AND THE REST OF HIS STATS ARE SOME OF THE BEST WE HAVE EVER SEEN FROM A MODERN PITCHER HOW CAN YOU MAKE THIS COMPARISON YOU GOD DAMN REDNECK COON RAPIDS HICK!!?
Sorry. Idiocy causes me blackout rage fits. I'll just end this portion with the fact that Matt Stairs, Tony Womack, Stan Javier, and Neifi Perez all have more career hits than Maris. Hall of Fame? Really? You have more? Well by all means, carry on.
"Plus, isn't the Hall of Fame at least partly about achieving fame? I would venture that Maris' name is more familiar than at least half the current members of the hall."
I'd bet more people know of Jose Canseco than Roger Maris. And if you want famous, how about Eddie Gaedel, the midgetdwarf little person that Bill Veeck sent up to the plate to draw a walk. And if you just want to talk about home runs, George Foster hit 52 in 1977, the first player to hit fifty in sixteen years, and the last to do it for another thirteen. Isn't being the only player to hit fifty home runs in a season in a 30 year stretch more impressive than hitting 61 in a year when another player hit 54 and five other guys hit at least 45? Think about it.
Look, I get the argument that famous people should be in the hall of fame, but it's about numbers, too. You can't just toss dudes in there for a one-season trick. Earl Webb and George Burns have the two highest single-season double hitting seasons in history, but nobody's schlepping to get them in the hall. Of the players with the ten highest single season batting averages in history, four of them aren't any where near the hall, and they all should probably slide in before Maris. Hell, Joe Wood won 34 games in 1912, the second most ever by a pitcher since 1910. He ended his career with just 117 wins. Do you think he's going to get in?
And moments from great season actually are recognized. Pretty much everything. Ichiro's bat from his 262 hit season, Rickey's spikes from his 130 steal season, and almost certainly something from Maris's 1961 season (sadly, I can't find a comprehensive list of what's in the Hall anywhere). Look, if you have a great season, or even a great game (Kerry Wood's 20 K game is recognized) you will get a spot, even if it's just a glove, ball, or bat. It doesn't mean to get a plaque. There are only 289 inductees, only 202 are in for being major league players. It's a special thing. One hit wonders need not apply. You don't see Snow in the Rock and Roll HOF, do you?
"Major League Baseball and Commissioner Bud Selig must find a way for this blatant injustice to be corrected."
Blatant injustice? Really? Blatant injustice is what Dan Monson did to Rico Tucker. And Bud Selig couldn't correct his ass with both hands. The use of the words "blantant injustice" convinces me this is just a bit by David from Coon Rapids, because there's now way anybody could believe Maris is a sure-fire HOF candidate. No es posible.
Let's run down some career numbers.
HOME RUNS: 275. Kent Hrbek = 293
HITS: 1,325. Kent Hrbek = 1,749
RBI: 851. Kent Hrbek = 1,086
AVERAGE: .260. Kent Hrbek = .282
ON BASE: .345. Kent Hrbek = .367
SLUGGING: .476. Kent Hrbek = .481
RUNS SCORED: 826. Kent Hrbek = 903
TOTAL BASES: 2,429. Kent Hrbek = 2,976
OPS: .822. Kent Hrbek = .848
OPS+: 127. Kent Hrbek = 128
In case you weren't keeping track, that's Hrbek 10, Maris 0. Hey, I'm all for getting Hrbek in the hall, I love that slob. If getting a mediocre hack with one (or two) miraculous seasons in the hall can open that door, I say let's do it. Good call David in Coony, good call indeed.
[EDIT: I just remembered there is a comments section after star trib articles. I would leave my own comment, but for the life of my drunk ass, I can't figure out how. Instead, I will supply a quick sample of the comments.
GOOD: "Obviously this wasn't written by a person who knows a damn thing about sports or baseball HOF voting. This is another case of Minnesotan's being homers (even though he's from Minot[W'S NOTE: actually born in hibbing])"
BAD: "I can see the point that his career wasn't great, but what he did in one year will be remembered in baseball forever and to me that's worth it to get into the HOF."
UGLY: "I don't know why I didn't know that Roger wasn't in the Hall. I guess I didn't give it a second thought that he wouldn't be there. It is long overdue for him to be in the Hall of Fame. Or maybe without him, the Hall of Shame. Why isn't he there? I can think of a bunch a players that should have gone in AFTER Roger. It's time for baseball to right this wrong." [W'S NOTE: It says 15 of 16 people liked this comment. I hate everyone forever.]]
Draft time. I usually just comment on the picks that night or the next day, but this should be fun right here. A lot of picks, and already a lot of trades in the NBA (not just the Wolves). The Shaq trade is interesting. I won't pretend to know enough to really break it down, but I know Shaq is still good enough to average 18 and 8 and the Cavs got him for essentially zero. And his contract expires after next season, so they really aren't giving up that flexibility. Basically I have no idea what the Suns are freaking doing. And I just learned that Vince Carter is headed to the Magic for Skip 2 My Lou and change. I haven't really looked at it yet, but my knowledge tells me anybody getting Vince Carter is on the wrong end of the deal.
Anyway, it should be cool, and I'll be here to document all the mistakes, like whoever drafts Stephen Curry, Brandon Jennings, or Roy Hibbert II (Thabeet), as well as whoever grabs the bargains, like Ty Lawson, Austin Daye, Earl Clark, or Sam Young. So here we go.
- Clippers take Blake Griffin, no surprise. You know, people who believe in curses, as just profiled on ESPN and in Billy Simmons article on ESPN, are idiots, but man have the Clips have a shit-ton of bad luck. Danny Manning and Shaun Livingston's injuries are two of the worst derailers I can remember, not counting Len Bias. Griffin and Eric Gordon are a nice young inside/outside punch. Maybe they finally turn it around?
And speaking of idiots, can Dazzle and Gordy please please please stop talking about the Sports Illustrated curse? Please. I'm begging. I'm seriously on my knees right now, begging. Please? That's the kind of stupid thing that only dudes like Dawger believe in, but he also believes in things like tarot cards, alien abductions, leprechauns, and the holocaust, so what does that tell you? {NOTE: El Chupacabras and vampires are real.)
- Fun Fact - Blake Griffin wants to host Saturday Night Live, and Tivo's it every week. My money is on his favorite sketch being "The Target Lady."
- The Memphis nightmares take Thabeet, and thank god for that. Look, he might end up being a Dikembe Mutombo, but I don't think he'll even end up that good. His offensive game is barely functional right now, and he is awfully soft for a 7-2 shot blocker. He makes me very, very nervous, but everything I read said he's a good fit for the Grizzlies, so good for them. Fun Fact - Thabeet's MUST IMPROVE: Offensive game. Well no shit.
- And Kevin Durant gets play with James Harden, in what I consider a surprise. I didn't expect harden and is Urkel-suit to go quite this early, I figured the Wolves could grab him at 5 or 6. The real good news here is that the Wolves are going to get either Evans or Rubio. Of course, they are now set up pretty well to take your boyfriend Stephen Curry, too.
- The Kings steal Tyreke at #4. I love this pick. I think, other than Griffin, Evans has the biggest chance to be a star out of this class. He's also kind of an idiot, but he's young and his ability to get to the rim, play defense, and overall out-athletic everybody makes him an almost automatic success. Crap. At least we'll get Rubio.
- BAM! Ricky Rubio on his way to the Wolfies. Obviously, I wish I had seen this kid play so I could evaluate him, but everything I've heard I like. Young kid, held his own on the international stage, has been a pro in Europe since age 14, is just supposed to be an overall stud. As a bonus, he speaks broken Engrish so he's going to a quote laugh machine. The downside is that he's only 18 and the groupies are going to eat him alive, and he looks like a Jonas brother. Jay Bilas just said, "Rubio has a Gretzky-like feel for the court." What?
- I don't even want this pick right now. I hate Hill and Curry, and there's no way they'll take Flynn here. Either figure out a way to trade it, or just take Terrence Williams. Crap, they're going to take Curry, aren't they? They are, right? Just tell me, I can take it.
- Oh thank god. Flynn is the pick, and I'm not sure but I think might have just gotten a little bit of a boner. Two PGs is a bit of a question mark, but Rubio is going to take some time (like a season or two) to be ready, so you put the ball in Flynn's hands now and then see how the two of them develop together. Flynn is supposedly a good leader, although all I saw is him leading Donte Greene to shoot nothing but threes and Eric Devendorf to hit some bitch, but I don't give two craps about that. He can ball, and he can get to the rim. Loving this pick. LOVING.
- I'm pumped.
- Atlanta just traded for Jamal Crawford, giving up Acie Law and Speedy Claxton. I'm bored by this. Twenty bucks says the Warriors take Hill here.
- Nope, they go with Curry. Wow. And, unfortunately for me, this is probably the one place Curry can thrive (or the Knicks, actually, whose fans are booing like crazy right now). A team without much of a half-court game that relies on the run and gun and doesn't play much defense is actually a good recipe for success for Curry. They'll be in their best shape if they have a good PG (I seriously have no idea. Tim Hardaway?) so he can just find his spots on breaks. Crap. He's going to have a good year but he still straight up sucks.
- Knicks take Jordan Hill. That guys a nightmare. Not for opponents, for the team that picked him. Mark it down.
Speaking of marking things down, I heard a discussion between Danny Gladden and Gordon today on the radio about who the Twins best pitcher had been this year. Gladden said, "Well, Blackburn has the innings and the ERA, but Slowey has the wins so I'll go with him." I shit you not.
- Derozan goes 9th to Toronto. The only thing I know about the Raptors is that they have Chris Bosh. The only thing I know about Derozan is that he is the reason Lil Romeo ended up with a scholly to USC. (FYI Lil Romeo - 2 minutes per game, 0.5 points - career high = 2 vs. UT-Martin).
- Milwaukee takes noted gigantic crybaby whiner idiot failure Brandon Jennings. HAHAHAHAHA. Way to go Wisconsin. You guys always suck at everything that isn't college football or basketball, up to and including just being a human being. And now this isn't going to help. Although Jennings will fit in well with all the other failures of humanity in that god-forsaken state. Other than Mike Redd, have the Bucks every had a a good pick? Don't forget, they traded Dirk Nowitzki for Tractor Traylor. I love Wisconsin.
- Just saw more details in the Vince/Skip 2 My Lou trade. Orlando also gave up Courtney Lee (bummer) and Tony Battie (more irrelevant than Dawger's opinion), but New Jersey also gave up Ryan Anderson, formerly of Cal. That is going to be the sneaky difference here. Anderson was an offensive stud in college, but was (and still is) weak on defense, but he will continue to develop. He put up 7 and 5 in twenty minutes per game this year. Looks like a throw-in, but makes this trade a very shrewd one by Orlando.
- Crap, NJ takes Terrence Williams who I was still hoping against hope would keep sliding. Hopefully Earl Clark will be there instead. There are a lot of uninspiring big men/wing men that the Wolves could end up with, but Clark would be a steal. Fun fact: Williams carried his books in a barbie backpack in high school to be "different." Suddenly, and politically correctly, I'm very happy he didn't end up a Wolf. We don't need no queers in the locker room, I'm pretty sure most of that team is a couple of glasses of wine and a back massage away from some "experimentation."
- Bobcats (that still cracks me up) take Gerald Henderson in a pretty uninspiring pick. Isn't that team made up of nothing but Tar Heels at this point? Isn't this like introducing a stupid dog into a house of awesome cats? Seems like team chemistry would be destroyed here. Ron Gardenhire isn't going to be happy about this.
- Pacers go for Hansbrough at 13. It's kind of a shame, he would have been absolutely perfect for Salt Lake City, but the second best fit is Indiana. Don't they just seem like they always have a bunch of white guys flitting about, going back to Smits and Schrempf? Also I love the NY crowd, firing up an overrated chant. Sweet. Amount of seconds his mouth was closed during his interview = 0.
- Fun fact: Hansbrough helped a man having a seizure on a plane on the way back from the Maui invitational. See haters, hustle and gamey-ness always come in handy. I bet Nick Punto would have found a way to rebuild that guy as the next 6-million dollar man.
- Phoenix, seemingly in give up mode after throwing Shaq to Cleveland for basically nothing, crush my hopes and dreams by taking Earl Clark. Damn you Dan Majerle. Damn you to hell.
- DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now they're going to take someone stupid like BJ Mullens. Ugh. Don't ruin it now, you're doing so well! Please, please, please take Austin Daye instead. Please.
- Jennings being interviewed about skipping college to play in Europe, "It's a great experience, I think more kids will do it and more kids should, it was great." Really? What happened to this? You're a god damned liar, Jennings.
- Ugh, kill me in the face. Daye gets taken by Detroit at 15. Yes, he's a little soft and a little weak right now, but his all around game is absolutely off the charts. This sucks. I love this guy. BJ Mullens here we come.
- Dickie V loves the Hansbrough and the Curry picks. I'm shocked. Claims Hansbrough should have been a lottery pick and Curry will be rookie of the year. Isn't it about time to "retire" him. Like, the way they "retire" snitches in the mob?
- The Bulls take James Johnson from Wake, which surprises me since they are probably losing Ben Gordon. Johnson never impressed me either. I'm calling this the fourth worst pick behind Curry, Thabeet, and Hill.
- You know who would be great at 18 now? DeJuan Blair. He's like Craig Smith, but with skill, drive, hustle, and talent. This would be excellent.
- 76ers take Jrue Holiday. I watched a couple UCLA games last year, and he really never stood out to me - at all. I haven't seen nearly enough of him to really bash this pick or anything, but I know he's no Cameron Dollar.
- Wolves up. With #18 they go with Ty Lawson. I love this pick, but they already took two point guards. Best player available strategy? I am a little confused, but I don't really love anybody else here, and I think Lawson is absolutely the best pick in this spot, if you aren't paying attention to positions of need. Trade in the works? I don't know, I'm too drunk to really evaluate this pick right now.
- UPDATE: Lawson is heading to Denver for a future first round pick that is originally coming from Charlotte. Since Charlotte is so shitty, I definitely approve of this. You realize this could end up being Ralph "Black Jesus" Sampson III next year.
- I had some Chuckles this weekend. You know, Chuckles. Black and Orange are the best, Green is the worst. I didn't even know they made them anymore, but sure enough, if you go to the gas station with the White Castle in it in Hinckley, you can get not only Chuckles, but also Bottle Caps, Necco Wafers, and Charleston Chews. It's like a time machine created by a joint venture between Jesus and Willy Wonka, only with stench of White Castle Ass wafting in from the background.
- Jeff Teague from Wake at #19 to the Hawks. I could pretend I know anything about Atlanta here, but I'd be lying. When I saw they made the playoffs this past season I assumed I had wandered into a time machine - one perhaps created by Jesus and Willy Wonka.
- Jazz take Eric Maynor. Very good player, excellent pick, but Utah is a horrible fit. The Jazz have the point locked up for the next ten years in Deron Williams. They just grabbed a guaranteed back up point guard in the first round. Although Snacks has been texting me bitching about the Rubio/Flynn combo and how they drafted a backup point at either 5 or 6, despite the fact that there was nobody there to pick at 6 other than a point guard and I assume they couldn't trade it. Nobody ever said Snacks was a good basketball mind.
- Charlotte New Orleans Hornets go with Darren Collison, continuing the run on back up point guards since they already have the supremely overrated Chris Paul. I don't like Collison much. He's very much like a Jacque Vaughn. I mean, I guess if you're looking for a fluffer you're good here.
- Portland apparently moved up from 24 to 22 for some reason when I wasn't paying attention, or so Stew Scott tells me. And they take some Spanish retard. The Blazers have a ton of young guys under contract for a few years, so a Euro makes sense, but I really don't get moving up to get him. There's a lot of weird shit going on these days. I'm cautiously optimistic about the new Wolves' guy so far. Two PGs at 5 and 6 is a bit off, but they were the two best players available and nobody else really stood out at those spots. The trade of the 18th pick didn't cost you anybody overly exciting after Clark and Daye were scooped up, and has a good chance of being a lottery pick next year, since it comes from Charlotte, not Denver. Like I said, cautiously optimistic.
- I'm starting to think they need to sell Vodka by the keg. That would probably be a negative on my draft resume.
- Speaking of Vodka, Sacramento takes some Russian. Actually, they're trying to tell me he's from Israel, but he doesn't look Jewish so I stick by my Russian call. The part of the draft when everybody takes the commies is super boring. Let's get into the drafting of college guys who I have heard of but have no shot at being good in the NBA.
- They just interviewed Shaq about the trade. I fast forwarded through the whole thing. Eff that guy.
- Dallas takes BJ Mullens. Isn't this the same franchise that took Shawn Bradley? And some other guy whose name began with an A who I don't remember? I actually think Mullens has a shot to be decent, even though I bashed him earlier. He showed some seriously nice moves at times last season, and has more polish than a lot of seven footers who hit the NBA. I'm thinking he will either end up being a very, very good player or completely disappear. Not a lot of in between here.
- I just made a reference to Goofus and Gallant from Highlights magazine to Mrs. W, who proceeded to ask me just what exactly was wrong with me. Somebody else has to remember them, right?
- Somebody who is picking take another foreign bastard. What is going on here? Do I need to shut this down? How are DeJuan Blair and Sam Young still on the board?
- The Bulls take Taj Gibson, one of the most overrated players in the history of history. And he's not that much different than Ty Thomas, so I'm not sure what the point of this pick is.
- Finally a good pick, seems like it's been forever. Memphis takes Demare Carroll from Missouri. Although, again, they already have Hakim Warrick, so not sure what the exact point is. Is this what the draft has been reduced to - picking backups? I don't really know, I haven't paid this much attention to the draft in years, but I remember the entire first round seeming very impactful. Maybe it was my own naivety.
- Interesting pick here by the Wolves at #28 in UNC's Wayne Ellington. Nobody would ever think he'll be a star, but he could be a good fit with the Wolves. With Miller and Foye shipped out, there really isn't a shooter left on this team. With Rubio and Flynn, there are going to be some drive and kick opportunities. Similar to Curry, Ellington might have just found himself in a situation where he can thrive and produce well above his actual abilities. I don't love this pick, but it could work - work to help them win 21 instead of 19 games the next couple of seasons, but still.
- Ok, screw that. I can't believe they didn't take Blair or Young here. Either of them would have been a good pick at #18, and they are both still there. Ellington is only a good pick here if you are on the cusp of contending and need a shooter to put you over the top. He has no room to improve, and is a good bit role player, but with an upside of Mike Miller. Blair and Young offered you more. Dropped the ball here, big time.
- Lakers take Toney Douglas from FSU and Cleveland grabs some dude from the Congo (genetically altered Ape programmed to kill? That would be a good pick) to close out round 1. I'm tired and drunk and tired and am a little burned out. I'll take a look at round 2 tomorrow.
As much as I hate to step on a Sioux Fan post (please make sure to read the post below this), a big T-Wolves deal is something I have to comment on.
According to ESPN, The Wolves have reached an agreement with the Wizards to send Randy Foye and Mike Miller to Washington in exchange for Darius Songaila, Etan Thomas, and Oleksiy Pecherov, as well as the #5 pick in Thursday's draft.
Wow. Kahn is really going ahead and putting his stamp on this team immediately. Getting rid of Miller isn't a big deal, and is pretty unsurprising. He's still good enough that he can contribute on a team that needs outside shooting help (the #1 need of the Kings), and is affordable at just $9 million this year with the contract expiring next season. An attractive piece to both trade and trade for. If he was on the team by draft day it would have been an upset.
Trading Foye is pretty much Kahn saying, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm in charge now! I want my own guys!" I'm not saying he's right or wrong here, as I am not exactly sold on Foye myself. He's not really a point guard (4.3 APG/2.1 TO), and he's not really a shooting guard (40% floor, 36% from three), but he did score over 16 points per game last season and he's still playing under his rookie contract, not to mention he's improved every year (sans shooting). In short, it's a huge risk and a huge gamble, and takes some huge balls right off the bat by this Kahn fella. I LOVE it. Even if it doesn't work out, at least he's not afraid to try.
As far as what's coming back, it's pretty much just the fifth pick and three players to match Foye and Miller's salaries. Thomas was a great shot blocker in college for the Cuse and showed some defensive potential in his six years in the league but has pretty much evolved into a bit player (and still has two years on his deal at $6.8 mil per). Songaila was an interesting player at Wake back in the day, and is a slow, white big guy but he should be able to impact the rotation if nothing else. Pecherov is a second-year communist Greg Ostertag but not as talented, but at least his name sounds like "Pecker Off" which makes me laugh.
I'm guessing the Wolves have basically fallen in love with two players in the draft (since Kahn has said he won't use #5 and #6 to move up to #2 - thank god) and wants to get them both. What I'm hoping is they grab Tyreke Evans and James Harden, then either trade #18 and/or #26 or use one of them on a wing player (if Earl Clark or Terrence Williams slip that would be ideal).
If they trade the pick, a good bet would be that they send the pick to Portland for SF Travis Outlaw. Word is the Blazers are trying to move some of the backcourt, and Outlaw is one of the names being tossed around. The Wolves would have to toss in Sheldon Williams to make the salaries match and couldn't after July 1st, but it's a possibility.
PG Tyreke Evans SG James Harden SF Terrence Williams/Earl Clark/Travis Outlaw PF Kevin Love C Al Jefferson
Fun.
In any case, a fun NBA draft for the Wolves just got a whole lot more fun. And don't think I'm not aware of the fact that this now doubles the chances they draft Curry.
Please god no.
Now go read the Sioux Fan post under this one if you haven't yet. It's a doozy!
I knew my post below about the US Open wouldn't generate a whole lot of discussion, mainly because most of you out there are pure white trash and can't stand a white collar game, especially one dominated by a black (?) man. Luckily, while sifting through my DWG mailbox I came across an email from Super Sioux Fan, sent way back on Friday. These trainwrecks usually generated some discussion, so here you go. Speaking of white trash..........
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rando thoughts by Siouxper Sioux Fan.............
-I never realized how great brussel sprouts were until this month. They are my new favorite veggie.
-Thinks it is amazing that I have been a receptionist for over 2 years now and I am by no means a "nice and cheery" person. I go out of my way to cut you off and be unpleasant and somehow in these economic times I still have a job....just doesnt seem right.
-Did you know that I have Never stepped foot on an airplane? Being from North Dakota I dont think that is that weird.
-Baby Dawger/Sioux Fan loves to shhhh...us, Shhhh...mama Shhh....daddy She pretty much runs our house, I guess someone has too might as well be the almost 2 year old.
-Baby Sioux fan will be 2 in exactly one month! I cant believe me and Dawg are still together to celebrate it!
-Me and Dawger forgot about our 3 year anniversary this year.....we just totally forgot about it until we were watching "he's just not that into you" and then at the part where Jennifer Aniston is complaining about how her and her bf have been together for like 7 years and he still hasnt popped the question...it totally hit me......We forgot our anniversary and Dawg will never proprose. This was an Epic fail in our relationship.
-We now have a gay roommate! Dawg is especially a fan of this ;)
-I am pretty much offically over facebook...but I am 26 so I think it is appropriate.
-People who wear Ed Hardy REALLY are douchebags (my brother in law LOVES Ed Hardy)
-Everytime I send out a "sorry" letter to someone who interviewed at my company I really have the urge to put in something totally fucked up like
"Dear Mr. showed up in a suite and red converse shoes" This is not a Four Letter Lie show and we do not hire Emo's. Sorry but good luck on your career search. Try hot topic you emo fag.
-TAB is still the worlds most amazing beverage
-I hate most things and most people.....I am sure this is not that shocking
-I smack Snake 9 out of 10x that he walks by me at work this is the most enjoyment I get out of my job
-I am making my first ever trip to Home Depot today to buy a saw for fathers day....when I know all he really wants is The Hills on DVD.
-Children are the best excuse to getting out of shit at work. Thank you baby sioux fan
-Do people acutally still smoke cigs? Isnt that just something that people tried back in the 90's and that they do in trailer parks and bingo halls? I dont get it. I mean I tried smoking for awhile because sex in the city made it look cool but even that was still early 2000's. It is fucking disgusting and I think Obama should fix it along with the 10 million other things he promised.
-I was dissapointed when I found out that Katy Perry wasnt really a lesbo.
-Speaking of that...I tried to use the word Lesbo in a scrabble game against dawg last friday night and he wouldnt let it fly. Granted I think I spelled it Lezbo but come on. He plays strictly by websters dictionary...I asked if we could compermise and use the urban dictionary...I mean we DO live in North Minneapolis. But he still said no...god he is gay.
-I am really glad that guys dont frost their tips anymore....
-I really wish I had a dick some days...it would be so much easier to masturbate.
-Scott just walked by me carrying a picnic table....haha and now he just winked at me. I think that is his way of hiding his embarrasment.
-Sometimes I wonder how smart I am compared to the average person and every time I decide that I dont want to know the answer
-Me and Dawger once went a WHOLE week without a single fight (last week). We are currently not speaking but dont worry this is very normal for us. Instead of saying good bye this morning I gave him the finger
-Everyone who bought a Wii is realizing that it just sits and collects dust because you actually have to be ambitious to play it and lets be honest we are Americans...Cause this is America
-I am proud of you if you got the Ricky Bobby quote up there...congrats you offically suck less at life then you did a min ago.
-I dont get why people think that people from GF are racist? There arent any black people to discriminate against up there....therefore it is not possible.
-And another picnic table.....jesus what are we having an employee picnic inside the office today that I was apparently not invited to?
-My job consists of talking to assholes all day and sending out fedex's. I am pretty sure this is what happens when you are catholic..kill yourself and end up in purgatory for eternety. FML
-And another wink......
-Epic looks like he dyed his hair today.....but he swears he didnt. I dont think I believe him.
-Okay I am bored now.....
suck it
Sioux Fan Out -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My brain and my soul both hurt. I'm going to go home and drink until I forget that this happened.
I know I haven't written in a while, and that will probably be the status for the rest of the week as I'm swamped at work, but I have been running around like a crazy person.
Last Thursday I brought WonderbabyTM to her first ever Twins game, and since I know you're curious, you'll be happy to know she loved it. She clapped when everyone else clapped, danced when the played loud music, and laughed and yelled when everyone was cheering. It was awesome. Smartest 14 month old ever. Need more proof? Whenever Snacks gets near her she bawls like Adam Morrison and desperately tries to get away. See, told you.
Then this past weekend was Grandma's marathon and we headed up there so Mrs. W could run the half (no, not me, are you crazy?). I'm very proud to say that despite the intense heat, a record amount of people dropping out needing medical attention, and a mild case of heat stroke, Mrs. W crossed the finish line and received her medal. I couldn't be more proud. The rest of the weekend was a good ole time, with the Optimators, Klingers, Dr. Aculas, and The Todd showing they still know how to have a good time (although The Todd did lose a refried bean eating contest to a girl). I also just want to say RIP Titus. And that's that.
Then was father's day activities on Sunday and softball last night (we won both games and I was awesome), so I've been a bit busy. This work week is a nightmare as well, so I won't be around much, but I I feel the need to drop a comment or two on the US Open.
I actually thought it was pretty boring. And not because Tiger effed up in round 1 and could never really get back into contention, I consider that a positive. Just because, once again, it seemed like nobody rose to the occasion to win. Glove won with a final round +3, and the other guy in the final group, Ricky Barnes, completely wet himself with a +6. Nobody behind them was able to make a run to the win, with nobody in the final top five shooting below par. I just don't like golf when nobody separates himself from the pack with an excellent Sunday (or Monday in this case).
There were only two real "moments" I can remember that fit the category. The first was Glover's huge birdie at 16 where he stuck his approach about five feet away, timed with a bogey from both Duval and Mickelson it jumped Glover from a tie at the top to a 2-stroke lead, which ended up being the final margin. The other was Mickelson's incredible Eagle on 13, when he hit his second shot on the par five to about four feet. Just an amazing shot, and after the putt he was suddenly tied for the lead at -4 and had all the momentum and looked like this was his to lose, exactly the kind of golf that is fun to watch.
As usual with Phil, however, when the U.S. Open is his to lose he couldn't get out of his own way, including two short missed par putts, one from about three feet and one from about six. This loss is certainly easier to take for Phil, as he has the family issues excuse conveniently at hand - I'm not saying it didn't play a part or that it isn't serious, just that if it wasn't there we would be hearing a lot more talk about Phil dropping an Open that looked to be his. That's five runner-up finishes without a win now. Like the guy who can't quite close the deal with the drunken strumpet at the bar night after night, it's got to be frustrating.
As for Glover, he has always been a pretty much middle-of-the-road golfer, and had never even made the cut at the Open so this is doubly huge for him. One thing I didn't know is that Glover is actually only 29 despite looking closer to forty. He's still a young golfer, so this could be the springboard that vaults him into a higher tier. I doubt it, but it's possible.
Lastly, and nobody seems to realize this, but Hunter Mahan is absolutely a US Open stud. Even though he isn't having a very good year, he still managed to tie for sixth and might have been higher if his absolutely perfect approach on 16 hadn't hit the flag pole which was apparently made of trampoline. That gives him three top-18s in three Open trips (we won't count 2003). Mark my words, Hunter will win this tournament in the next few years.
- NBA Draft on Thursday, and I heard on the radio that the Wolves new GM (David Kahn?) is the busiest GM in the league right now. Awesome. Other than Jefferson and Brewer (since they are coming off of injuries and you won't get fair value) should be in play to be traded. I hope they don't trade Love, and if they do it better be for more than him + #6 for #2, but if the right offer is there I'd be ok with it. With all those picks and expendable parts, it could be a fun night. Will there be a live blog? Strong maybe.
- One last thing before I return to being a slave for the man: Dolphin Stadium is being renamed Land Shark Stadium thanks to Jimmy Buffett. So awesome, and not because of that crappy beer. As you know if you read here often, I love sharks, so having the name Shark in a stadium is a victory for everyone. Plus, the Dolphins play there, and they are a shark's natural enemy. Expect a lot of dissention and unrest amongst that team this season.
This week the PGA Tour heads to its toughest test of the year, the US Open at Bethpage Black. The rough will be long, the fairways will be narrow and the greens will be lightning fast. The USGA prides itself on keeping the winner at or over par and this week should be no different. Bethpage will play to a par 70, with some of the longest and toughest par 4s out there, the hardest being #7 which is 525 yards that dogs right, it requires a 280-290 yrd drive to get past the trees and have an open look into the green . There are very few true scoring holes out there and every player will need to find fairways, while being somewhat long (the course can play 7400 yrds and it will feature only two par 5s) and make putts. Let me take you down my list of will’s and wont’s for the week.
Will Contend
1. Tiger – Plain and simple here, he hit 49/56 fairways two weeks ago at Memorial and if he continues to do that I am not sure if there will be anyone who could beat him. The only thing he seemed to be lacking was his normal dominance with his putter. If the flat stick goes to shit others will have an opportunity win. 2. Jim Furyk – He is such a grinder, he will be there Sunday, you can always count on him playing very smart and conservative around the course which is the game plan for any US Open. 3. Geoff Ogilvy – He has a game built for Opens. Very long and accurate enough to keep it around the fairway. His putting is also top notch, he is 2nd in putts per round and 7th in putts per green in regulation as well as being 1st in birdies per round. He has the demeanor to win and should be there come Sunday. 4. Paul Casey – This guy has been very hot this year, winning 3 times worldwide and ascending to #3 in the world ranking. He is T17 in total driving, 7th in putts per round and 5th in birdies per round. He has not made it happen in the majors but this could be his time. 5. Brian Gay – Tell me this guy didn’t get made fun of as a kid, well he showed them, Gay has won 3 times in the last two years, twice this year where it wasn’t even close and he is married to a big titted broad that ain’t to hard on the eyes. Well if that doesn’t give him enough confidence his putting should. He is inside the top 10 in both putts per round and per green in reg. He also knows how to finish rounds, T3 in scoring average. Riding the MO train from last weekend’s win so I think he can put it together.
Won’t Contend
1. Phil – I may eat my words here as he is one of the most talented players in the field but I just think there is too much going on. If you have just woken up from your Hibernol induced coma Phil’s wife has breast cancer. There have been many a rumor about his alleged infidelity but it seems like the last few years have been spent close to his family and this seems to genuinely be killing him to have her sick. I hope he contends or even wins he has had so many close chances only to be outplayed. 2. Anthony Kim – He was dominant in stretches last year but in 2009 he has only played in 11 events making the cut in 8 while his best finish is 2nd he has not really been close to winning. Nagging injuries are to blame for most of this but he still has just not put anything together. 3. Padraig Harrington – He is in the middle of a swing change and I just don’t see him being able to trust it for 4 rounds in the toughest conditions. 4. Rocco Mediate – Hard to say this but we may never see him contend in a major again. It has rained and is supposed to continue to be a wet four days. This will make an already long course even longer. Rocco just doesn’t hit it far enough to have a chance at contending. 5. Henrik Stenson – A lot of people are high on the Swede, well not this guy. He has disappeared since the win at the Player’s and I don’t think he has putting to win an open. His best chance at a major is the British or the PGA.
I thought it would be fun to look back 7 years at the last Open at Bethpage and see if it offers any insight to this week's US Open.
Tiger Woods, $1,000,000
67-68-70-72--277
Phil Mickelson, $585,000
70-73-67-70--280
Jeff Maggert, $362,356
69-73-68-72--282
Sergio Garcia, $252,546
68-74-67-74--283
Nick Faldo, $182,882
70-76-66-73--285
Scott Hoch, $182,882
71-75-70-69--285
Billy Mayfair, $182,882
69-74-68-74--285
Tom Byrum, $138,669
72-72-70-72--286
Padraig Harrington, $138,669
70-68-73-75--286
Nick Price, $138,669
72-75-69-70--286
Tiger has continued his ways, Phil was majorless but has since broken through, hard to believe Sergio still doesn’t have a major and Harrington has been one of the best players in recent years. Maggert and Mayfair are what we thought they were, perennial guys grinding out a living. Price, Byrum and Hoch have hit the senior tout with Hoch and Price finding some success. Faldo stunned everyone and took his game to the booth; he captained a losing Euro team last year in the Ryder Cup and doesn’t play much if ever on the senior tour. Also make sure to compare the cash they pull this year compared to 2002.
Alright well that’s all I’ve got, I am going to box my superfecta with Furyk, Gay, Poulter and Angel Cabrera. My dark horse pick is Sergio, I do not think he can actually win but if the putter gets hot and the Mich Ultra starts flowing who knows.
Feel free to test my picks against yours in a safe, reputable, online betting site that spotlights golf, basketball, Olympic sports, and others.
NF
PS - This is the sign that is in front of the 1st tee box, this is a muni couse and anyone can play there. Best of all look for the NY fans to get real drunk and rowdy showing their true colors.
2. If you search 'Joe Mauer Steroids' on google we come up fifth.
3. We are now the proud sponsor of Mo Sanford's page at www.baseball-reference.com (well, we aren't up there yet, but it's paid for and we will be as soon as it's processed). Go get 'em, big fella.
Meredith Leroy "Mo" Sanford (born December 24, 1966, in Americus, Georgia) is a former Major League Baseball pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds, Colorado Rockies, and Minnesota Twins.
Sanford pitched five games for Cincinnati in August 1991, but was not in the majors in 1992. He was selected by Colorado with the 62nd pick in the 1992 expansion draft, and appeared in 11 games, starting six, in the Rockies' inaugural season. After a season in the minors, Sanford pitched 11 games in relief for Minnesota in 1995.
Hopefully Faldo will show up here to give his much more in depth and intelligent U.S. Open preview but in case he doesn't, and since I like to hear myself type, I figured I'd give you a little preview myself.
Here are your top ten contenders to take this one down (after Tiger, of course):
1. Jim Furyk - My pick to win this week (my super sleeper pick I referenced before was Davis Love, but it turns out he didn't qualify to play so there goes that idea). It makes me a bit nervous that he missed the cut the last time the Open was at Bethpage in 2002, but he was in the midst of one of his worst years, missing the cut in three of the four majors so I'm going to throw that out. Furyk has one U.S. Open win (2003) and four other top fives in his career, so you know he likes this kind of courses. He's also having a quietly awesome year - quiet because he has yet to win this season. Instead, he has six top tens in his twelve events, as well as finishing no worse than 11th in his past four. With a third place finish in a WGC event, a fifth at the Players, and a 2nd last week at the Memorial, he's in great shape to take home the trophy.
2. Paul Casey - Did you know Casey is the 3rd ranked player in the world? Me neither, but it's the truth. I suppose that will happen when you finish in the top 20 in six of your eights starts on the PGA Tour. He also picked up not only his first ever PGA victory this year at the Shell Houston Open, but has two wins across the pond on the Commie tour as well. Since coming into his own he's made the cut at the US Open the last three years, including a 10th and a 15th place finish.
3. Geoff Ogilvy - He's cooled off a bit since his hot start to the season and didn't play in the Open here in 2002, but Ogilvy might be peaking at the right time once again. The 2006 US Open Champion is coming in off a 10th place finish at the Memorial, and would have been better except for a single nightmare of a blow-up hole on Sunday - take that out and he played very well. And you can never count Ogilvy out of a high profile tournament; of his six career PGA Tour wins, four are high-profile events (US Open and three WGC events).
4. Steve Stricker - He's having one of his best years (a win and five other top tens) and he's a very good US Open player (6th, 13th, 29th last three years). In fact, he's actually a pretty phenomenal player overall, with five top tens in his last 11 majers, due to steady iron play and being one of the best putters on the tour year after year. His major issue is that he is kind of a headcase when it gets to the final round, having coughed up several leads on Sunday over the past few years. He did pick up a win at Colonial just three weeks ago, so maybe that part of his game is behind him.
5. Camilo Villegas - Everyone is still waiting for him to make that huge leap (his win in the Tour Championship in 2008 almost counts), and the timing might be right. Camilo plays well in the US Open, including a 9th place finish last year, and has improved his finish each year (CUT-59th-26th-9th). He's been steady this year, not spectacular, but seems to be zoning in and has made his last 8 cuts after a rough start, including three top 15s. He is thisclose to breaking all the way through. 6. David Toms - Since I can't have my Davis Love pick, I'll take David Toms instead. Similar to Love, Toms was one of the better players on tour a while back, and then faded away only to roar out to a very, very good year this season. He has six top tens already this season (compared to just one all of last year), and finished in second place last week at TPC Southwind. He's not a big hitter, but he's very accurate and plays well in US Open conditions (3 top tens in 8 starts). Like Love, things just seem to be lining up perfectly.
7. Tim Clark - Interesting stat. Guess who leads the PGA Tour in Proximity to the hole? Yep, Tim Clark. He's also top 20 in putting. Those two things seem pretty important when it comes to the Majors, and especially the US Open. He also has two top tens in his last four starts and, although he hasn't been great in the majors, has made a couple of runs at it. Could be his year.
8. Phil Mickelson - The only guy who can take the spotlight off of Tiger, Mickelson will be the media darling this weekend if he's in contention thanks to his dealing with his wife's cancer. He's a stud when it comes to the US Open, with seven top tens in his career and a second place finish last time it was at Bethpage in 2002. Normally he'd be a no brainer pick for #2 contender, but for a guy who sometimes gets caught up in his own head the family issues, combined with the pressure he always seems to feel in the US Open, might be too much for his sensitive self. He's only played once since May 10th, but I can't count him out. Toughest guy to rank this week.
9. Lee Westwood - Westwood hasn't been heard from much over here, but that's because he's been spending most of his time playing across the pond, including putting up a couple of top tens. Westwood is one of those sneaky communist bastards who only shows up over here when he wants something, like a big tournament victory, and usually manages to get himself in the running. He has three top tens in the U.S. Open in his career, topped off by a third place finish last year when he just missed being included in the playoff with your boyfriend Tiger and Rocco.
10. Brian Gay - Normally I wouldn't pick someone who just qualified for the Open the weekend before and who hasn't played in a US Open since 2004 and has never made a cut in the US Open, but Gay is just so impressive sometimes (insert your own joke here). When he's playing well, he's not messing around and kicks some serious ass, as he did last week at the St. Jude. He got out to the first round lead, and unlike most slackers, never relinquished it, winning going away by five strokes. That wasn't even his biggest win, as earlier this year he won at the Verizon Heritage by 10 shots. Tough to bet against a guy who can be that dominant, especially when he's coming in hot.
A few notable names missing, but that's because they have no shot. Garcia and Harrington suck right now. Els and Goosen are too old. Anthony Kim and Hunter Mahan have regressed. Kenny Perry looks like a cartoon character. O'Hair is dealing with an injury and is kind of a baby. Bubba Watson is a side show. Nick Watney and Rory McIlroy are too green. Stewart Cink is too gay. Ian Poulter is too Euro, and Vijay is awful at the US Open.
Two guys who didn't make my top ten do get honorable mentions, Zack Johnson and Henrik Stenson. If one of the twelve mentioned (thirteen with Tiger) I'll be shocked.
Ok, so not so much breaking news, but news worth a little chat nonetheless. Three little nuggets:
1. Sammy Sosa was on steroids. Wait. Wrong file. That's not in my "breaking news" file, that's in my "no shit, sherlock" file. Everybody already knew this, didn't they? The only guy more obvious than Slammin' Sammy was Bonds.
You gotta respect a guy who is willing to cheat in all kinds of different ways, though. Not only did he bring the roids, but if you recall he was busted using a corked bat, too. He might as well have just gotten an aluminum bat that was painted like a wooden one. That's genius, actually, scratch that. It's like playing Madden and using the rewind button if you throw a game-losing interception, but then hitting the reset button too. And claiming it was an acccident.
I'm glad Stammerin' Sammy finally got outed officially though, since apparently there were some people who didn't know. Never liked him. His whole joyful act when McGwire broke Maris's record was the phoniest thing I had ever seen until Kobe and his teammates celebrated their new NBA title as if every single one of those guys wouldn't have shanked Kobe in the kidney if they thought they could get away with it.
2. The Twins finally did to Jesse Crain what they should have done to Matt Guerrier last year, and shipped Jesse Crain down to AAA when Glen "Perk" Perkins came off the DL. Crain has been an absolute nightmare this season, sporting an ERA of 8.15 (397th of 415 pitchers with at least 10 ips) and a WHIP of 1.92 (385th) and basically has made Guerrier look like Juan Berenguer. Ideally, he will spend his time in Rochester fixing whatever is wrong with him and get back to his 2005-2006 form, although it wouldn't surprise me if we don't hear from him again (Hi Jack Cressend!).
Of course, Crain hasn't been in the minors since 2004, so I'm assuming this is pretty humiliating for him and maybe it will motivate him to get in gear. Although when a guy sports a chin warmer and a sea-shell necklace like some kind of outcast frat boy who just got action for the first time from a 250 lb. drunken behemoth in cancun who just puked, I'm guessing he doesn't have a lot of shame left in him.
3. Finally, the big news we have all been waiting for. After a lengthy battle for his services, which I'm assuming involved a lot of money under the table, free cars, and copious amounts of willing and available trim, your hero and mine Travis Busch has signed on to attend (and apparently play basketball at) Colorado State next season (due to his hustle, he was granted a waiver and doesn't have to sit out next season and becomes eligible immediately.)
What? How did this happen? I thought he was going to fall down a lot and be scrappy for a D-2 type school like Winona or Metro State, but now all of a sudden he's heading not only D-I, but to a team in the Mountain West? It's not exactly a power conference, but it's not the Summit League either. I know they lost there ball-hoggy scoring point guard guy so they need scorers, but I don't think Mr. 2.6 points per game is really the answer here. Actually, I'm pretty sure a 6-3 (yeah right) 210 lb. power forward is the answer to anything, unless the question is "Who can dominate at the local YMCA adult pick-up?"
Do you remember just a few years ago Colorado State had three seven-footers? And now they are going to bring in a six-foot power forward who couldn't guard a black guy to save his life (he should do ok against BYU and Utah). It's pretty clear Tim Miles has run that program into the ground, or whatever is below the ground; Magma - I don't know, I'm not a geologist, all I know is these quotes from Miles really speak for themselves:
"We are excited to have Travis join us. He is a person who values education, he's got a dynamic personality, and he is a relentless basketball player. He will be a great fit for our program."
"I expect he will step out of his role of a complementary player and into a leadership position on our team. He's got the tools and work ethic to make big things happen for Rams basketball"
I swear I didn't make either of those up, although they are damn close to what I would write if I was making them up - but with more references to falling down. When reached for comment, Devron Bostick said, "He do b hustlin."
Also I'm very sad that Austin Daye stayed in the draft, I hit a home run at softball last night, Jason Kubel is still awesome, and this food on a stick thing at the State Fair has got to stop. I just saw a show that profiled the Rueben on a stick and Spaghetti and Meatballs on a stick. Ridiculous. Just knock it off. Although I also learned that the Meat Raffle was invented in Minnesota. Awesome.
If you're lucky I might have a US Open preview tomorrow.
No, not that kind of inner city news. The Inner City All-Star Game, which is apparently a real thing. An anonymous commenter supplies some info:
----------------------------------------------------------------------- Not the place for this but... Royce White was named the MVP of the inner city all star game this evening. 20-5-4 or something similar. I still think he will be BTFOY; he is a man among boys at the HS level.
The dunk contest was a disappointment, but RWJR's 2 attempts from outside the foul line and his 3 attempts with a 360 from 2 steps inside the line were very impressive!!! Rodney takes home the crown over; dylan hale (texas state), cedric martin (JUCO), and Royce White.
Raymond Cowles (santa clara) was lights out from 3 to take home the 3 point contest.
After talking to numerous HS coaches tonight everyone seems to be in agreement that RWJR will not see much time next year unless he really adds some muscle and buys into defense and effort! Exciting raw bball player, and will be fun to watch in the years to come!
Teams with multiple participants (-): Hopkins (3), Cooper (2), Washburn (2) Johnson (2), Spring Lake Park (2)
So here's the scoop. Mrs. W went to Dr. Acula's wife's birthday party (we couldn't find a baby sitter so I'm at home watching the kid) and had a shot or two and is now staying over at their house. So I'm here all alone, and unsure what to do with myself. I know you are all used to me live blogging while I watch Shark movies, and I think we can all enjoy that, but from time to time, a guy has to branch out a bit. Take in some new culture, new types of entertainment, and experience new things. In that light, I thought I would take a step away from the usual shark movie, and bring you something completely different.
I present, "Blood Surf", a movie about a giant crocodile. Your summary via DirectTV "A monstrous saltwater crocodile terrorizes a group of documentary filmmakers in Australia." Sounds good. And possibly somewhat realistic. No mutants. No prehistoric creatures come back to life. No revenge (I hope). Call me cautiously optimistic. I know, I know, two live movie blogs in one weekend? I must be in heaven.
- This was directed by someone named James D.R. Hickox. Tell me that doesn't sound like a director of more, um, adult, entertainment.
- We start out with a close up of an eyeball, and then cut to an Asian in some water, and back to the eye, and back to a different asian, and back to the eye, and so on, getting faster and faster and faster until the tension is so thick I feel like I could puke. It starts moving too fast to really tell what's going on, but I saw some teeth and some bloody water (or Blood Surf, if you will) at one point. I have a feeling this one is going for "artsy-fartsy." That always works when your antagonist is a giant crocodile.
- Now there's a bunch of stoner/surfer types in a float plane above some kind of tropical paradise. They are using words like gnarly and shredding. I really hope they crash and get eaten, and that this isn't our intro to our main characters. Cautious optimism waning.
- One of the stoners, who I am starting to suspiciously suspect are our main characters, references the movie Jaws. I take it as a good sign that the writer of this crap has at least heard of that movie.
- Oh man, I just got the main plot point of the movie, and I can't decided if it's awesome or stupid. These stoners are going to chum the water to attract sharks, and then go surfing in shark infested waters. And they are going to call it, "Blood Surfing." Wow. Since this is a crocodile movie, I'm guessing a croc shows up and ruins the fun. Which makes no real sense, because what could one crocodile do that a whole mess of sharks couldn't? God damn it why do I always try to rationalize these stupid movies? Why do I even expect anything to make sense? Why do I even watch them? I'm an idiot, aren't I?
- I was rewatching Mean Girls the other day (still one of the best movies of the 2000s) and holy cow the amount of talent in that movie was sick. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, and Lacey Chabert? Holy wow. Plus Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And one of the best written movies in a long time! Just a great flick. Add in the janitor from Scrubs and that movie had it all. This movie doesn't.
- Jesus we're only 3 minutes into this movie. The opening credits are still rolling. This is going to be the longest movie blog ever. Rock on.
- NBA draft early entrants have to make their decisions by Monday, and there are still a few interesting fellas who I feel I should comment on. AUSTIN DAYE, GONZAGA: Probably a mid-first, but doesn't have a guarantee of first round. I really hope he stays another year in college, because he is absolutely one of my favorite players. Reminds me a ton of Keith Van Horn, but blacker. PATRICK MILLS, ST MARYS: This guy is a big one because I read the Wolves have a lot of interest in him, and I'd love to see him on the team. I don't really see how he can improve his stock much, so this year would be the time to go. GREIVIS VASQUEZ, MARYLAND: Snacks loves this commie, and he is a very solid all-around player. It appears he isn't likely to go first round, so he should probably stay in school, but he has a lot of skills and honestly I think could be a Manu Ginobli type. I hope he stays in the draft and the Wolves get him late. JODIE MEEKS, KENTUCKY: Big time scorer, and yet not projected to go until round two. I don't really know what else he could do to improve his stock unless he goes to John Stockton camp and learns how to really handle the ball. Might as well stick around and help his legacy at Kentucky so he can become an assistant coach some day. He's not an NBA player. LUKE HARANGODY, NOTRE DAME: Not a first round pick, but apparently he might be ok with that. I don't see him hitting the first round at all. He's Michael Madsen, who I once played in a softball tournament against - very spastic there too. There are plenty of others, but I'm tired. Plus I'm super excited to see what happens with this movie.
- They just showed some jackass surfing with an angle from below, and guess what? Yep he looked just like a seal. Seriously, why even add the chum in the water when surfing is already the most dangerous thing in the world? You're basically playing russian roulette already, but now they want to add chum? It's like playing russian roulette with a bazooka. This movie is already irritating. I need another drink.
- The main chick in this movie looks like Molly Sims, so that's what we are going to call here.
- The two main surfer dudes are super homo-erotic. Think Iceman/Maverick levels of sexual tension going on here. Even though one of them just hit on Molly Sims. That doesn't prove anything. Maverick hit on Kelly McGillis, and it turned out she was a man.
- They just hired this movie's version of Quint to take the boat out and chum the waters and all that about the Blood Surf or what not. Except he reufsed to do it, saying he would be "an accessory to murder." His girlfriend is this movies version of "super hot chick in a 95% see-thru tank top and no bra" - who is now shakin' that thang in the middle of the bar for no discernible reason. It's kind of like in Roadhouse how when that one hot blonde girl does a striptease in the middle of Dalton's bar for no good reason. Man did I rewind that part a lot. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, for some reason her dancing in the middle of the bar convinced her husband, Quint, to agree to take the surfer guys out to the sharks. Makes total sense.
- I just looked this movie up on IMDB, and it's original name was "Krocodylus." That is the most awesomest name ever. Why would they change it.
- By the way, if you google "Shane Schilling drunk" now, we are the first AND second link. Awesome.
- So we have Quint, Quint's girlfriend, hot foreign chick, some asian chick, a more annoying Matthew Lillard-type with spiked hair, Molly Sims, an old asian dude, a pretty boy, and the mastermind who looks a lot like DJ Tanner's boyfriend all on the boat going to the "lagoon" where all the sharks are (and apparently Krocodylus). Got it?
- Asian chick and asian dude just did a prayer circle to protect the surfers. I bet it doesn't work.
- Well, their chum has fish parts in it. They're already a big step ahead of Megalodon.
- The sharks showed (still no Krocodylus, unfortunately) and it was pretty underwhelming. Jazzy music, hyper fast effects including sharks moving way too fast accompanied by "whooshing" sound effects, and shots of great whites, blue sharks, and bull sharks (and what I think was a tuna). Oh they tried to make it dramatic by having the camerawoman (wearing chain mail so pretty much 100% safe) get surrounding in about ten feet of water, but it didn't work. Twenty-nine minutes in and nobody has bothered to die yet. Lame. Man I really wish I could have a bunch of drinks, but seeing as I'm the only adult here, I'm going to have to limit myself.
- Ok, message received. A shark just got kilt, but all we saw was a fountain of blood and then some bubbling blood in the water. Krocodylus? Or Shark-exploding AIDS?
- Did I ever tell you that WonderbabyTM can recognize a shark, and say the word? Whether it's on TV, a real picture, a stuffed animal, or a drawing in one of her books, she see's it and she says, "Shark." Seriously, she knows like, 15 words and one of them is shark. That's so awesome.
- So right now more-annoying version of Matthew Lillard is banging Foreign chick, and DJ Tanner's boyfriend and Molly Sims are going at it too while Pretty Boy Surfer is out on the water by himself. Sounds like a good time for Krocodylus to appear.
- Random asian chick just jumped in the water too, which makes no sense because Asian chick and old asian dude are the ones that are all hyper about their being too many sharks in this area of the lagoon. yet she's all like, I'm going in the water and he's all like ok even though he is the one who was having such a spaz earlier. Once again, really top notch writing here.
- Something bumped the boat, which knocked old asian dude into the water and then there was a blood spurt and I guess he's dead or something. Because crocodiles ram boats all the time. I guess it's contagious and they caught it from all the sharks that are swimming around. I'm still waiting for my first Crocodile roar. That would really make tonight complete.
- And there he is, roar included. He just ate the foreign chick. It's nighttime now though, and nobody has even acknowledged the missing asian dude. It's like the WW2 interment camps all over again.
- Damn, they keep answered all my questions. They just found the arm of the asian dude, and the boat is missing. Well, not so much missing as sunk. The crocodile sank the entire boat. As we all know, crocs hate boats, so it makes sense.
- I have no idea what is going on. The dock is exploding. Not with fire, but exploding nonetheless. Sequentially too. Like, there's a little explosion, moving closer to shore each time, every two seconds or so. I don't get it. I wish this movie was over already. This is by far the worst one yet.
- Oh dear god. Apparently this island is populated by Pirates. Pirates. PIRATES. Most movies would be better with Pirates. That crappy cheerleader movie from last night would have been 10x better if Pirates showed up to raze the cheerleader camp. Think about how much better Forrest Gump would have been if suddenly pirates showed up and destroyed the Bubba Gump boat. What if pirates showed up to F with Frodo and Rudy? Awesome, right? But when you already have sharks and crocodiles, you don't need anything else. What's next, bring in the ninjas?
- Anthony Swarzak grew up a bit today. Even though he had a couple of good starts to start his career, a big knock on him was that he was getting lucky. He was letting a lot of runners on base who were luckily not coming around to score, and he had a 1-1 BB/K ratio, a number that essentially guarantees a pitcher's doom. This bore itself out in his next two starts where he got killed, and honestly things were not looking good for our young friend. Today against the Cubs, helped by Jason "the awesome" Kubel's massive bomb of a home run, Swarzak picked up the win. He stuck around for seven innings, giving up just four hits and one walk while striking out six. Those are some very solid numbers. Based on this last outing, and the movement I see on his fastball, I think he's going to end up being pretty solid.
- Ok, so I'm barely paying attention here, but the Pirates decided they were going to rape Molly Sims since she's the only girl left. Right as he's about to get into it, Krocodylus leaped out of the water and grabbed the potential rapist by the head and took him down for a nice meal. And they were on the second floor of the boat. And the boat had a roof. So it jumped about twenty feet in the air with perfect aim to get it's snout threw the window to grab rapist guy. And our heroes pushed every pirate off the boat in the confusion and started to drive away but then a Pirate shot at the boat and hit the gas tank and now the boat is on fire. Confusing to you? Trust me it's every bit as confusing to me watching it. I don't know if I can get through the rest of this movie.
- That Quint guy just showed up to take the good guys back to the safety of the island. Turns out he wasn't actually with them the whole time. My watching comprehension skills are sorely lacking.
- Ooh, they aren't safe yet. Instead of trying to get everyone to safety, he's trying to attract the salt-water croc because Quint hates them. Turns out he had a cruise with some people, and they all got killed by a croc so, in a huge twist, he's out for revenge instead of the animal (I guess only shark's are in the revenge business). We learn all this info from Quint's girlfriend who is now wearing a slightly different, 80% see thru tank top with no bra.
- IT'S THE SAME CROC!!!!!1111111!!
- Now he's fishing for the Croc with some kind of crazy bobber that looks like the bouncy kickball WonderbabyTM likes to kick around the house. Yep, it appears I'm raising a soccer player. Kill me now. Any tips, Snake? Other than hunting squirrels, which I know you love to do.
- Serious question: If you could be a vampire, would you? You'd have to survive on blood, but you could get around the whole killing people bit by eating rats or deer or mexicans. And you'd live forever, and think of all the crappy movies you could watch. I pick yes.
- Fun fact: I was all prepared to comment on how the Croc roars constantly in this movie, but I actually wasn't sure if they do in real life or not (my animal's that don't roar expertise only extends to sharks) and according to this site which ends in .org so it has to be legit, they do. So, you know, there's that then.
- Molly Sims was in the water to film them catching Krocodylus, because they are still trying to make their documentary, and he got off the line and came after her and she escaped by climbing up a ladder and he couldn't get her. Keep in mind this is the same creature that leapt twenty feet through a window to get a rapist. Clearly, crocodiles hate rape and it motivates them to incredible feats of athleticism.
- No worries, he got to eat Matthew Lillard instead, despite him trying to stab his head with a knife and having it make the same sound as banging two cooking pans together. Fun fact: Crocodiles have heads like stainless steel pots.
- This fake Molly Sims has a nice rack (middle):
- Ok, this movie can just die. DJ Tanner's boyfriend saw a surfboard floating on the water and decided he was going to take the surfboard back to safety, even though it's a half day away by boat - you know, with a motor (their boat is grounded or something, I don't know) because apparently that's something someone would actually do in real life. Of course, he "surfs" right into Krocodylus's mouth. As Michelle would say, "How rude." Pretty Boy's reaction, "Well that sucks." I'm going to assume he's talking about this whole movie.
- Krocodylus just ate Quint in pretty much the identical scene from Jaws. Flooded boat, animal's head poking in through into the boat, tries to fight but basically falls into his jaws. If Pretty Boy ends up killing it by shooting an air tank it it's jaws I'm going to be pissed. Actually that would be kind of awesome.
- The Pirates are back. Jesus Christ.
- I found that scene, but it's in like, french or something - which explains a lot.
- So they blew up the great Krocodylus. Or, more accurately, they blew up the rocks around him which fell on his head. Of course, it's still sitting there, not moving or anything but they are sure it's dead because "If that didn't do it, nothing will." Twenty bucks says one of the three people still left dies, and fifty bucks says it's Quint's girlfriend because the other two are romantically involved (Molly Sims jumped on Pretty Boy as soon as DJ's boyfriend died).
- Yep, Quint's girlfriend decides to kick the "dead" croc in the face while shouting "I hate you" over and over again (which sounds like kicking a cooking pot, for some reason) and the croc wakes up and eats her face. Also Pretty Boy keeps calling the chick Sis which confuses me like you wouldn't believe because they were making out pretty hardcore a few minutes ago. What is this, Star Wars?
- It jumped at them and landed on a pointy tree. It is now impaled, as if Vlad Tepes had risen from the grave and orchestrated this himself. Please let this be over.
- They're making out again. WTF?
- Ah ha! Her character name is Cecily. Thus, it's Ces or Cis or something, not Sis. Still weird.
- Thank god it's over. I'm not going to lie, that was seriously the worst movie ever, outside of Jaws 4. I'm now going to cry myself to sleep.
Fired up to watch a bad movie that is. No sharks or other beasties, which I know is preferred round here, but I did a live blog of the movie Made of Honor to some critical acclaim, so I'm back for more.
Tonight we are taking in "Fired Up", a movie about two guys who skip out on football camp to instead go to Cheerleader Camp to "score chicks." Should be thrilling.
- I watched about half the hockey game tonight. It was a good time, actually. Congrats Penguins. I hate the Wings, and I don't even watch hockey. I don't know why I do, but I do. Probably because Bear used to kick my ass all the time with Fedorov and the Wings on Sega's NHL games. God those were awesome. Yves Racine was pretty damn good on there for the Canadians, too.
- The two male leads in this are Hunter from the Office (Jan's assistant who made bad music and slept with her) and Gunter from Beerfest. Yes, I plan to refer to them as Hunter and Gunter throughout this live blog. Seriously, that just made this movie about ten times better.
- We have a real American Pie vibe going on here so far. A makeout party of four but the dad's of the girls show up to interrupt and are now chasing Hunter and Gunter who jump a fence and end up in a pool filled with hot chicks in bikinis. Verdict so far: Not the worst thing I've ever seen yet.
- Holy crap! Their football coach is Bookman. You know, Library Cop Bookman! Awesome-o. His pissed at our heroes right now because while they are in the football huddle they aren't concentrating on football and are looking at hot chicks instead. This movie has a real one track mind. I wish I was drunk. Nothing my good friend Jeremiah Weed can't fix.
- Hunter is not only a superstar football all-star stud and get's all the hot trim, but he's a genius at science too. Damn this guy sounds a lot like me.
- Bookman just yelled at Gunter in the hallway. His exact speech was, "Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over." Crazy, right?
- Oh my gosh you guys, Hunter & Gunter just decided to go to cheer camp and the "300 girls who all want it" instead of sweating their balls off at football camp. Of course, Gunter also just said, "I could have a dick in my mouth and two in each hand and I'd still be straight." So, that was awkward.
- Hey it's the hot chick from Disturbia. She's the head cheerleader. I'm going to make a wild prediction here, and say that underneath their horny teenage piggery, either Hunter or Gunter has a heart of gold, and Disturbia lady learns to love him as he renounces his player ways. Of course, I'm guessing there will be some kind of misunderstanding at some point that causes her to distrust him and he has to win her back over. I know, crazy, right?
- FYI - it was 15 years ago today that O.J. was framed. Thank god the justice system saw through that little charade. Now if only someone can untangle the web of lies and injustices that got Chuck Manson behind bars.
- The cheerleader coach is Ed Rooney's assistant from Ferris Bueller's day off. Those two doofuses just asked her if they could join the cheerleading squad, and she said, "Well, with your bad back you really shouldn't be throwing anyone." HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- oooooh plot twist. Cheer camp lasts 3 weeks, but there's some big party our heroes want to got to in two weeks. The plan is to hook up like crazy for two weeks, then bail, pissing everybody off, and get to the party. I'm predicting that Gunter, who is clearly not the one with a heart of gold (think Cooper from Eurotrip), will convince Hunter to leave and go to the party which will make Disturbia chick pissed off and that will be the conflict and then somehow he will win her back. Ugh.
- You know, there are a LOT of hot chicks with big racks in this movie. I'm almost positive I could watch this on mute.
- Here's a picture of that Disturbia chick, FYI:
- Dudes' bunkmates: Gay, hilarious Indian (dot not feather) dude, a mascot who doesn't talk, black guy trying to be the first in his family to go to college by getting a cheer scholarship, and a long-haired dude who seems like he wants to party but is actually really into cheering. It's like the freaking U.N.
- Wow, this movie is really not subtle. They just referenced a cheerleader move called the "Fountain of Troy" but then the cheer camp head dude said, "That move is way too dangerous and way too hard and it's completely off limits." I wonder if Hunter and head cheer chick are going to end up doing that later. I like a little subtly in my movies, but this is pretty much as subtle as a Shannon Tweed movie on Cinemax.
- Why are Heidi Fleiss, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Greg Luganus the worst golf team ever assembled? Because Heidi Hooks, OJ Slices, Kennedy is in the drink and Greg is always in the wrong hole.
- I just realized this movie is rated PG-13 which, these days, basically guarantees there won't be any nudity. So the one thing that could really save this, gratuitous nudity, can't. I'm making my next drink a double.
- There sure is a lot of making out in this movie. This might as well be an abstinence parable along the lines of Twilight at this point. Plus, they are both making out with a different girl in every scene, including a montage-type scene stolen right out of Wedding Crashers (except set to the immortal Jackson 5's immortal ABC). That's not very holy, and it's not very safe. Especially in these swine flu laden times, not to mention Mono, Herpes, and I think you can get the HIV from kissing too. This movie is really irresponsible, and is unsafe for the youth of america to watch. I'm writing a letter.
- Remember Eliza Dushku in that one cheerleading movie? Man was she hot. Remember?
- Disturbia girl is starting to fall for Hunter. I'm on pins and needles here folks. Pins. And. Needles.
- Whoa. Disturbia girl has a fiance, who just showed up at camp, completely ruining Hunter's plan. But, huge shocker here, he's a giant douchebag. I'm actually kind of upset with myself that I didn't see that coming. He's taking her to Red Lobster. Which makes me kind of hungry, because I really like shrimp. But not that hungry, because I had steak from super classy Outback tonight. Not Snake though. He had possum that he and his psycho kid shot with a BB gun. Not kidding.
- Hunter admits he likes Disturbia girl. Gunter not pleased. Conflict brewing.
- Hot chicks practicing cheering in a lake while wearing nothing except their underwear. This is the greatest movie ever.
- BOOBS! BOOBS! In a PG-13 movie! This is a great day for me, and for America.
- Shit. I just laughed out loud for like the fourth or fifth time. Between that and the boobs, this movie might not suck as much as I originally thought it would. Plus they just showed a clip from that cheerleader movie with Eliza Dushku and Eliza Dushku was in it. Look, I'm not saying it's good, but it's not as horrid as I thought it would be. Like way better than Made of Honor.
- Have you ever seen You, Me, and Dupree? Dawger is basically Dupree.
- Disturbia chick's boyfriend was talking to his friends and admitted he doesn't even like Disturbia chick but his parents approve of her so they buy him stuff and also that he cheated on her over and over again. And of course, Hunter overheard him. So this would be where he tells her, she accuses him of lying, he leaves camp to go the party, but then she really needs him to win the competition, so he agrees to do the Fountain of Wayne or whatever and they pull it off and win the championship. I'd be willing to just turn the movie off now, but you never know when there will be random boobs in this movie apparently, and I can't miss it.
- Ooooh. Disturbia and Hunter were almost going to kiss, but then he started to drop the water cooler he was carrying. My heart was all a twitter too. And now it's time to go to the party, and Gunter wants to leave (he's had enough of the cheerleader chicks) while Hunter wants to stay (he cares about the team). I told you. Note: they decided not to go.
- You know what else I told you? That Dan Haren would be awesome this year, and sure enough, he is. Leads the NL in ERA at 2.33 and WHIP at 0.85. Zero point eight five!!! That's exactly half of Jesse Crain's WHIP. Although when you put it that way it's not nearly as impressive, but then again I assumed Crain was allowing about three runners per inning or so.
- Our main characters' word for Douchey is "Nickelbacky." Awesome.
- Oh my. All the cheerleaders on the good team start whining about how they aren't very good, and Hunter, in a COMPLETE AND UNEXPECTED 180 from his earlier persona gives them a big pick-me-up speech, using phrases like, "Take chances or you shouldn't even be here", "you can go as far as you want", "Bet big or go home ", and "big ass titties." Well I'm fired up. I'm going to go join a high school cheerleading team. :money:
- TRAINING MONTAGE!!!!!
- Busted. Douchebag Disturbia boyfriend guy found the dude's bus tickets and showed them to Disturbia chick. And even though she admits to knowing initially he was only there to get chicks but thinking he started caring about cheering, and even though they decided not to use the tickets to go home, she gets pissed. This makes no sense. THEY ALREADY MISSED THEIR BUS BECAUSE THEY DECIDED NOT TO LEAVE. This is like, days after they needed to get on the bus. This movie was actually decent, but now I hate it. I hate it more than I hate all of you. And I hate all of you alot. Now our heroes are on their way home. Sad.
- Wow, we have an anal beads in the mouth joke. Everything about this is going downhill in a hurry.
- At their party, not having fun, depressed, decide to go back to cheer camp, blah blah blah. I'm out.
- Big speech, team takes them back, chick still pissed. Ugh.
- Brandon Marshall skipped Bronco mini-camp, in the least surprising thing that's ever happened. I'm not entirely sure, but with all his legal issues and team discipline problems, he might be the worst person ever. He's like the Michael Vick of the NFL.
- We've just had about fifteen minutes straight of actual cheerleading performances. Awesome.
- THEY'RE GOING TO TRY THE FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE MOVE!!! Who could have seen this coming? Crazy!
- And they pulled it off. All that without ever having practiced it. My heart stopped. I'm truly touched. You know, the first hour or so of this was actually pretty entertaining. The last half hour was garbage. I'm going to go ahead and give this a non-recommendation - but just a mild one. Believe me, I'm shocked to be giving it anywhere near that positive of a review. I mean, there aren't even any sharks in it, how good can it be?
Posts
