Now out in New Jersey, there may be a part two, I don't know, the title is optimistic. You know what was really fun? Sitting in the middle of a bunch of post-college frat guy types on the flight out here. Frat guys are pretty much always douchebags, but this group truly excelled. Besides calling each other names like Beatnik, Obama, Peanut, and Cheddar, and talking about some game of Ultimate Frisbee that was truly "epic", they also kept us entertained, loudly entertained, with their "humor." This including not only taking picutres of their friends when they were sleeping and then giggling like middle school girls, but also showing us their incredible wit, such as when the the flight attendant guy came over to us in the exit row and asked if we were familiar with the procedures and how the exit doors work. Frat guy's response, "Oh my god, you mean we're on an airplane! Why didn't anyone tell me?" and then proceeding to ask if they should test out the door right now or wait until we were in the air. Classic frat guy, classic. So that was a pretty painful flight.
- Holy geez, I had forgotten how terrible Chris Berman is. If you're the first to start with the catch phrase crap and all that, shouldn't you at least be somewhat entertaining, rather than ear splittingly annoying?
- Watching a bit of the Vikes game here before I head out to meet my co-workers for a drink, and holy crap is Adrian Peterson ridiculous. First play, 75 yard touchdown. And it wasn't even close.
- Wildcat offense with Percy the "QB." I'm not so sure here. It worked for about 7 on a handoff to AP, and I'm not necessarily completely against it per se even though I think defenses are going to be prepared to stop any team that runs it, but I don't know about unveiling it in a preseason game. The team never ran it last season, so why let anybody know you have it in your playbook now? But hey, I'm no offensive genius guru like Childress, so what do I know?
- I'm back. It was pretty boring. We had asked the one local amongst us to take us to a sports bar, so somehow we ended up at Chevy's Mexican Restaurant, and even ended up at a table in the back, not in the bar, and no where near a TV or sports bar type of place. I guess that's what happens when you put a girl in charge.
- So 17-10 Vikes. And I just saw a deep ball to Andre Johnson. Andre Johnson? Why is he still in the game? It's still preseason, right? I would say I hpe he gets hurt, except he's pretty important to my fantasy team so I just hope they get him the hell out of there.
- Christ, Favre isn't even in anymore and the announcers are still slobbering all over him. Even though I'm going to be rooting for him this year, it's going to be very, very trying season.
- I thought I would write more tonight, but it turns out I'm actually quite tired and have quite a bit to do tomorrow, so I'm going to have to cut it short. Hopefully there will be more tomorrow. This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Weekend Review - 8/31/2009
Keeping it short this week, since I have to head to the airport soon. Yes, I'm heading out to New Jersey again. There may be some drunk blogging, but I have to take it kind of easy since I have to be all involved in the meetings and can't just spend the whole time hungover. Or at least that's the theory.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Brian Duensing. I'm assuming you probably saw Duensing's start on Friday, but if you didn't, you missed a thing of beauty. Perhaps in was magnified by the type of starting pitching I'm used so seeing out of the Twins' rotation, but I am now really impressed with Duensing, and am starting to think he's got a good future; not an ace, but a middle rotation kind of guy - so the Twins' ace, basically. Against a quality offensive team in the Rangers, he went seven innings and gave up just three hits and walk, while allowing no runs and striking out a career-high eight. He's definitely starting to come around, and he doesn't walk anybody, has a decent strikeout rate, and gets a lot of ground balls. My new favorite Twins' pitcher? Yes. Yes, indeed.
2. Hakeem Nicks. I have been dying to write this guy up, but since we didn't do our Keeper League draft yet, I didn't want to tip my hand. Now that it's complete (yes I got Nicks) I can tell you: this guy is the real deal, and showed it with 6 catches for 144 and 2 tds in the Giants' loss to the Jets Saturday. He has good size and strength, making him an excellent red zone target, has the best hands of any receiver in the draft, and runs excellent routes. The only knock on him at all is his speed, but he was able to get behind the defense and out-run everybody for 71 yards for one of those TDs saturday and had a 55 yarder in the Giants previous game. Oh, and you know who else was thought to be slow coming out of college? Jerry Rice, Cris Carter, and Terrell Owens. And Nicks is from North Carolina, which gives me an excuse to re-post this:
3. Ernie Els. I suppose if I wanted to pick somebody from The Barclays this weekend, it would make more sense to pick little known and little ranked Heath Slocumb (no relation to the fat, crappy relief pitcher of the same name from the 90s) who drained a 20 footer for par on 18 to win - a putt that if missed would have put him into a playoff against Tiger, Paddy Harrington, Els, and Steve Stricker, but I'm going with Els instead. Ernie had seemingly dropped out of the ranks of the elite level golfers, having one just once since 2004, but has really come back on of late. He's been on quite a run, culminating in his runner-up finish this weekend in New Jersey. Prior to that he finished sixth at the PGA, and has picked up a top 8 finish in four of his last six tournaments. Big Easy might be back.
4. Zack Greinke. What more can even be said about Greinke at this point? Ho-hum, he pitched a complete game shutout, 1 hitter against the Mariners yesterday. Greinke is now first in the league in ERA by almost a half run (2.32 vs. Felix at 2.77), first in WHIP, first in OPS against, second in batting average against, third in K/9, second in K/BB, first in complete games, first in shut outs, second in strikeouts, and third in quality start percentage. And yet, because he's "only" 13-8 and plays for the crappy Royals, he won't win the Cy Young Award, in what will be a true travesty. It'll go to Beckett or Sabathia or Verlander, Texeira will win MVP, and anybody with any rational thinking skills who hasn't realized it yet will realize the MLB awards are often a joke.
5. Matt Leinart. Leinart has spent more time in hot tubs since entering the NFL than studying his playbook, and it's showed. Last season the job of QBing the Cardinals was his to take, but he lost out to 50 year old Kurt Warner, and this season a report came out that Leinart was in competition for even the back up job. Well, this weekend he took a nice step towards solidfying that back up role, throwing for 360 yards and 3 TDs against the Packers. Yes, it was the second half and thus the second team defense, but anything is a positive for Leinart now. Although there's pretty much no way he was going to lose the backup job to Brian St. Freaking Pierre - although if that motivated him, bravo Cardinals coach. Bravo.
WHO SUCKED
1. Steve Marino & Paul Goydos. Nobody trusts lower tier golfer types when they have the fifty-four hole lead, and this weekend was a perfect illustration of why. Marino and Goydos were tied at nine under par going into Sunday's final round - 2 shots clear of the rest of the field, when it was all settled, Goydos dropped to ninth, Marino fifteenth. At least Goydos had the decency to take all the suspense out of it right way, double bogeying the third on his way to a four over par 75. Marino actually was part of the crowded group at the top of the leader board but completely melted down with a triple bogey at 15, and then closed out with bogeys on 17 and 18 to finish with a 77 - the worst round of the day.
2. Chicago White Sox. The always suck, but they sucked even worse this weekend, getting swept by the Yankees and getting one-hit by Sergio freaking Mitre. Just how bad are the White Sox these days? They are 1.5 games back of the Twins.
3. Toronto Blue Jays. Didn't they start the year well and look like they might be a factor in the East? Not so much anymore. After getting swept by the Red Sox, they are now 58-70, 23 games out of first. Guess you probably should have traded Halladay, huh Ricciardi? This trade deadline, when you had all the leverage. You think you're getting more for him next year? No. Whiffed on your best chance to rebuild around Travis Snider and the guys you could have gotten from Philly. Have fun in the basement for the next decade, even the Orioles look like they're figured out how to build a team.
4. Trent Edwards. Perhaps you recall once reading on this very blog how J.P. Losman was poised for a good year. Well, I was wrong. That doesn't mean the Bills have got it figured out yet though, as their starter for this year, Trent Edwards, is looking like all kinds of crap. Against the Steelers this weekend, Edwards completed just 6 of 13 pass attempts for just 31 yards and tossed a pick that was returned for a Steeler touchdown. Now, Edwards also had a game this preseason when he was a perfect 10-10, which reminds us that the preseason is generally not overly useful when it comes to evaluating players, but I still feel pretty comfortable saying Trent Edwards sucks.
5. Michael Cuddyer. I know you're thinking Cuddy had a hit in all three games this weekend, how could he have sucked? Well, I'll tell you. Saturday night, sixth inning, Twins down 2-0. Runners on 1st and 3rd. Cuddyer strikes out on a slider outside and in the dirt. Same game, Twins down to their last out - Cuddy strikes out. Sunday, Twins down 3-2 in the 8th, two runners on, Cuddyer strikes out on a slider outside and in the dirt. It's maddening. Look, I have no major issue with strikeouts. A lot of very good hitters strike out a lot. But the way Cuddy does it, he's not even getting beat by the pitcher, he's beating himself because he's either too stupid or too stubborn. I'm starting to think I could strike him out if I had a 1-2 count on him. It's enfuriating.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Brian Duensing. I'm assuming you probably saw Duensing's start on Friday, but if you didn't, you missed a thing of beauty. Perhaps in was magnified by the type of starting pitching I'm used so seeing out of the Twins' rotation, but I am now really impressed with Duensing, and am starting to think he's got a good future; not an ace, but a middle rotation kind of guy - so the Twins' ace, basically. Against a quality offensive team in the Rangers, he went seven innings and gave up just three hits and walk, while allowing no runs and striking out a career-high eight. He's definitely starting to come around, and he doesn't walk anybody, has a decent strikeout rate, and gets a lot of ground balls. My new favorite Twins' pitcher? Yes. Yes, indeed.
2. Hakeem Nicks. I have been dying to write this guy up, but since we didn't do our Keeper League draft yet, I didn't want to tip my hand. Now that it's complete (yes I got Nicks) I can tell you: this guy is the real deal, and showed it with 6 catches for 144 and 2 tds in the Giants' loss to the Jets Saturday. He has good size and strength, making him an excellent red zone target, has the best hands of any receiver in the draft, and runs excellent routes. The only knock on him at all is his speed, but he was able to get behind the defense and out-run everybody for 71 yards for one of those TDs saturday and had a 55 yarder in the Giants previous game. Oh, and you know who else was thought to be slow coming out of college? Jerry Rice, Cris Carter, and Terrell Owens. And Nicks is from North Carolina, which gives me an excuse to re-post this:
3. Ernie Els. I suppose if I wanted to pick somebody from The Barclays this weekend, it would make more sense to pick little known and little ranked Heath Slocumb (no relation to the fat, crappy relief pitcher of the same name from the 90s) who drained a 20 footer for par on 18 to win - a putt that if missed would have put him into a playoff against Tiger, Paddy Harrington, Els, and Steve Stricker, but I'm going with Els instead. Ernie had seemingly dropped out of the ranks of the elite level golfers, having one just once since 2004, but has really come back on of late. He's been on quite a run, culminating in his runner-up finish this weekend in New Jersey. Prior to that he finished sixth at the PGA, and has picked up a top 8 finish in four of his last six tournaments. Big Easy might be back.
4. Zack Greinke. What more can even be said about Greinke at this point? Ho-hum, he pitched a complete game shutout, 1 hitter against the Mariners yesterday. Greinke is now first in the league in ERA by almost a half run (2.32 vs. Felix at 2.77), first in WHIP, first in OPS against, second in batting average against, third in K/9, second in K/BB, first in complete games, first in shut outs, second in strikeouts, and third in quality start percentage. And yet, because he's "only" 13-8 and plays for the crappy Royals, he won't win the Cy Young Award, in what will be a true travesty. It'll go to Beckett or Sabathia or Verlander, Texeira will win MVP, and anybody with any rational thinking skills who hasn't realized it yet will realize the MLB awards are often a joke.
5. Matt Leinart. Leinart has spent more time in hot tubs since entering the NFL than studying his playbook, and it's showed. Last season the job of QBing the Cardinals was his to take, but he lost out to 50 year old Kurt Warner, and this season a report came out that Leinart was in competition for even the back up job. Well, this weekend he took a nice step towards solidfying that back up role, throwing for 360 yards and 3 TDs against the Packers. Yes, it was the second half and thus the second team defense, but anything is a positive for Leinart now. Although there's pretty much no way he was going to lose the backup job to Brian St. Freaking Pierre - although if that motivated him, bravo Cardinals coach. Bravo.
WHO SUCKED
1. Steve Marino & Paul Goydos. Nobody trusts lower tier golfer types when they have the fifty-four hole lead, and this weekend was a perfect illustration of why. Marino and Goydos were tied at nine under par going into Sunday's final round - 2 shots clear of the rest of the field, when it was all settled, Goydos dropped to ninth, Marino fifteenth. At least Goydos had the decency to take all the suspense out of it right way, double bogeying the third on his way to a four over par 75. Marino actually was part of the crowded group at the top of the leader board but completely melted down with a triple bogey at 15, and then closed out with bogeys on 17 and 18 to finish with a 77 - the worst round of the day.
2. Chicago White Sox. The always suck, but they sucked even worse this weekend, getting swept by the Yankees and getting one-hit by Sergio freaking Mitre. Just how bad are the White Sox these days? They are 1.5 games back of the Twins.
3. Toronto Blue Jays. Didn't they start the year well and look like they might be a factor in the East? Not so much anymore. After getting swept by the Red Sox, they are now 58-70, 23 games out of first. Guess you probably should have traded Halladay, huh Ricciardi? This trade deadline, when you had all the leverage. You think you're getting more for him next year? No. Whiffed on your best chance to rebuild around Travis Snider and the guys you could have gotten from Philly. Have fun in the basement for the next decade, even the Orioles look like they're figured out how to build a team.
4. Trent Edwards. Perhaps you recall once reading on this very blog how J.P. Losman was poised for a good year. Well, I was wrong. That doesn't mean the Bills have got it figured out yet though, as their starter for this year, Trent Edwards, is looking like all kinds of crap. Against the Steelers this weekend, Edwards completed just 6 of 13 pass attempts for just 31 yards and tossed a pick that was returned for a Steeler touchdown. Now, Edwards also had a game this preseason when he was a perfect 10-10, which reminds us that the preseason is generally not overly useful when it comes to evaluating players, but I still feel pretty comfortable saying Trent Edwards sucks.
5. Michael Cuddyer. I know you're thinking Cuddy had a hit in all three games this weekend, how could he have sucked? Well, I'll tell you. Saturday night, sixth inning, Twins down 2-0. Runners on 1st and 3rd. Cuddyer strikes out on a slider outside and in the dirt. Same game, Twins down to their last out - Cuddy strikes out. Sunday, Twins down 3-2 in the 8th, two runners on, Cuddyer strikes out on a slider outside and in the dirt. It's maddening. Look, I have no major issue with strikeouts. A lot of very good hitters strike out a lot. But the way Cuddy does it, he's not even getting beat by the pitcher, he's beating himself because he's either too stupid or too stubborn. I'm starting to think I could strike him out if I had a 1-2 count on him. It's enfuriating.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Mali-BOOOO! (Live Movie Blog)
Clearly I haven't learned my lesson yet, because I am once again back with another live movie blog. Tonight I will be taking on Malibu Shark Attack, a
- Ok, before the opening credits even roll, we see a shark eat a grouper, and then that shark gets eaten by a much bigger shark. This leads me to believe we are going to be dealing with some some of freakishly large shark, so you can probably thrown out my hope of a realistic movie right away. Nothing like crushing my dreams in the first ten seconds.
- Our main characters look to all be life guards so far. Remember Baywatch? Nicole Eggert was the hottest one.
- Shit. I just read the DirectTV summary for this: An Earthquake unleashes huge, prehistoric sharks that terrorizes the California coast. Great.
- We just saw a pack of these prehistoric sharks, and they look like goblin sharks. Now while that might be the coolest name for an animal ever, it's a curious choice for an antagonist animal in a movie. Yes, they look scary, but their max length is only about 10 feet and they are skinny for their size (max weight = 350 lbs., like your mom) and as such have very little power. They also don't attack humans, and usually eat small fish and squid (note: not the giant kind). They also aren't prehistoric, they actually live now. I now this because I spent an hour a while back watching a documentary called, "Quest for the Goblin Shark" on The Science Channel. And they found one. And they accidentally get caught in nets all the time. Not prehistoric. Photo evidence:
Scary looking? Yes. A danger to humans? No. Prehistoric? No.
- Oh, and also they don't travel in schools. Mother F. We're five minutes in and already set a record for scientific inaccuracies.
- I just found out I'm going to be able to go to the opening game at TCF Bank Stadium. I'm not exactly the world's biggest college football fan, but I'm pretty stoked.
- One of the female lifeguards looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal if she died her hair blonde and then injected an assload of testosterone into her body while smoking a carton of cigarettes.
- Holy god the acting in this is maybe the worst we've had yet. At least a cute blonde girl finally showed up. And we've already had three shark-related fatalities. Plus, it's on a beach so there's lots of bikinis running about. But still, the acting. Oof.
- Some dude who looks like Michael Madsen just proposed to some old lady life guard. This guarantees the old lady lifeguard is going to be the heroine. You watch.
- Some teenages are now drinking beer and going parasailing, which, if they had watched some other shark movie I can't remember right now, they would know that parasailing is a good way to get chomped by a shark. Which, by the way, are now definitely confirmed as goblin sharks after a few close ups. This is so weird. There are plenty of really scary and awesome sharks out there, but they go with a small, harmless shark and magically give it not only the aggression, but the tools to kill people.
I get why you might not want to do Great Whites, which have been done to death, but why not switch to the Tiger? That thing is totally wicked awesome, but Spring Break Shark Attack is the only movie to feature it. The Bull Shark attacks more people than any other shark, but as far as I know, the only movie made featuring a bull is something called Red Water, starring Kristy Swanson and Mr. Belding (and which I can't find on tv, ever). The point is you don't have to give a species attributes it doesn't possess just because it has a cool name - there are tons of cool sharks still waiting for movies to be made about them.
- During all that those kids what were parasailing got eaten. And now there was another earthquake and there is a tsunami alert. That's another thing that's been bugging me; why do all these shark/croc/squid movies feel the need to toss in a natural disaster, too? When Luke and Han got all effed up in Empire Strikes Back, they didn't feel the need to have a cyclone come whipping into Cloud City.
- Cute blonde girl is now in a bikini top, and she's running down the beach with a young male lifeguard who I am going to call Tackleberry. She is very bouncy and very natural. He runs like a fag. Seriously. You know that kid in elementary school who didn't have the coordination enough to even run and kind of looked special at Track & Field Day running the 50 meters? Like that, but with more gay.
- Preceeding the Tsunami, a Goblin Shark washes up on the beach in front our lifeguards. Somehow old lady lifeguard is smart enough to identify it as a Goblin Shark, but also goes with the, "they are supposed to be extinct" followed in the next sentence by "they are really rare." Which is it, lady? Extinct, or rare? Because you can't have both. And, as discussed earlier, they aren't supposed to be extinct. Not even a little bit. Stop lying.
- I just looked up that blonde girl, and her name is Chelan Simmons. She's done a lot of work, but nothing that really stands out with the exception of Stephen King's It, in which she played the little girl who gets killed first when Pennywise returns. I suppose I should supply a picture (not of when she was a little girl, pervo).
- The tsunami has hit the life guard tower with our heroes still in it. Luckily, it hit with the force of someone taking a bucket of water and tossing it at the tower. Unluckily, it seems the entire beach is now underwater, and they are trapped in the tower (which is half-submerged). I'm guessing this is where the sharks come in.
- There's also a house near the beach where a bunch of construction workers are trapped now too. There was some whole sub-plot going on with them but I wasn't really paying attention so I don't know what it was. Seems better for all of us that way.
- That hot blonde chick got her leg whacked and is now bleeding . the blood which is seeping into the water and attracting the thought-to-be-extinct goblin sharks. The goblin sharks OF DOOM.
- It seems she needs stitches, but since they're trapped the only possibility is to have the manly Maggie Gyllenhaal stitch her up with needle and thread. Ouch. This girl is quite the screamer. Tackleberry is either grossed out or turned on - he's not exactly the king of emoting through facial expressions.
- Wow. Way to drag out a scene of a chick getting stitches for 20 minutes in a god damn shark movie. And this chick is way less hot now. What a whiner. Talk about high maintenance. She's the J-Lo of shark movie chicks.
- Speaking of high maintenance, I miss Super Sioux Fan.
- I still can't get over pack-hunting, aggressive, human-killing goblin sharks. Which by the way are continually circling this life guard stand because a couple of drops of blood fell in the water a half hour ago.
- Oh for christ's sake. The old lady life guard, the one who identified these sharks as "extinct" goblin sharks, just told one of the other life guards that they are "the same species as the Great White." First of all, goblin sharks aren't related to great whites in the slightest, except they both have the word "shark" in their name and both live in the ocean. Second, if goblin sharks were the same species as Great Whites, they'd just be Great Whites. Great white is it's own species, as is goblin shark. As is cat. And dog. That sentence is like saying, "Hey, that cow is the same species as that spider." I'm going to kill this movie.
- And now they use echo-location to find their prey. Like bats. Which, I think this goes without saying, is completely untrue in every way. If you're going to completely make stuff up, I'd go with a shark whose fins were actually chainsaws.
- Sentence just uttered, "this is a species of shark that hasn't been seen in millions of years." Even Mrs. W laughed at that one, and said, "Didn't we just watch a documentary on this kind of shark?" Yes. Yes we did. We were lucky we caught that one. It's not often you get to see footage of a creature that hasn't been seen in millions of years.
- Remember the part where I mentioned that the old lady lifeguard just got engaged so she would end up living until the end? Well the sharks must have echo-located her standing in the guard tower, because they rammed it from the bottom and then ate the crap out of her. So yeah, I was way off. They were probably pissed from all the disinformation and false rumors she was spreading about them.
- I would try to describe how dumb this scene just was, but I seriously don't have the words.
- Hm. It seems the construction people in that house are unaware of our little shark problem, because some chick just decided to go swim to the mainland to try to find a boat. Well, let's just say the construction workers are fully aware of the sharks now.
- Oh, and I guess they can jump now because they just got another construction guy who was standing on the dock. Mrs. W is currently cackling out loud at the effects in this movie. I haven't touched on them yet, but they are wretched. I think Jaws for Nintendo had better animation than this - better plot, too.
- I think I'll probably write more on the Twins' moves at some point, but real quick: We should be very fired up by the Jon Rauch acquisition. The guy is a top flight set up man, and has experience as a closer. He immediately displace Guerrier as the 8th inning righty. Mahay is kind of meh, but at the same time he upgrades the Twins bullpen just by his experience and the fact that almost all the bullpen guys suck. He's 38 and has fallen off a bit this year, but has been a pretty good reliever throughout his career. He should take half the Jesse Crain role, with Guerrier slipping down to take the other half, while Crain takes over mop up duty.
For the starters, obviously I would love it if they can swing a way to get Harden. Even if he only pitches 6 times, that will probably be the Twins six best chances to win the rest of the year. If Harden doesn't work out, I've heard Penny has a decent chance of ending up here (although how sweet would it be to get both). He hasn't been as good as he used to, and he's no Harden, but once again, he'd probably be the team's best pitcher, so I'm all for it. Although after watching Duensing, maybe we just try to pitch him every other day?
- Some studly lifeguard guy is going to make a swim for it from the tower. Apparently he's not scared of this echo-location garbage. The douchenozzles in the tower are going to distract the sharks by yelling. You know, because sound travels through water so well. And there's the, you know, echo-location problem to deal with. And for some reasons the sharks keep trying to get through the hole they already broke in the bottom of the thing to eat the lady who was full of lies.
- I guess stud daddy McGee was just trying to get the flare gun which was at the bottom of the ocean - which he did. But then he shot a shark with it - the only flare which he just risked his life to go after. So basically after all that we're at teh same point we were before, except now there's no flares even at the bottom of the ocean, and that hot chick still hasn't taken her top off. I know it's SyFy, but a boy can dream.
- Ugh, that "same species" comment is really getting to me. What she really should have said was that goblin sharks are of the same order as great whites and also are not at all extinct. See, because goblin sharks and great whites both belong to the order of lamniformes, one of the two main orders of sharks (carcharhiniformes being the other main order, including bulls and tigers), however order is three levels removed from species (order, family, genus, species) so really, they aren't that closely related at all. For reference, poodles and polar bears are of the same order - and thus are just as related as goblin sharks and great whites. As are hippos and giraffes. This movie didn't even try.
- Two of the construction workers got a fishing boat and are coming to get the life guards, even though they never were actually able to fire the flare. As they are driving across the water, they are throwing dynamite into the water to keep the sharks away. Trust me, that sentence sounds awesome, but somehow this movie has managed to destroy the long held equation: sharks + explosions = pimp.
- Recently started watching Mad Men. Pretty good so far. Makes me long for the good old days when you could treat a woman like a piece of meat and get drunk at work. But have you noticed that Dom Draper's house looks exactly like the Nightmare on Elm Street house? Super creepy.
- Did you know there is such a thing as a crocodile shark? Now that is a sweet name. Of course, it's the smallest member of the order lamniformes (the same as the Great White - duhn duhn duhn) at only 3 feet long. But it did wreak some serious havoc by biting a bunch of undersea fiberoptic cables laid by AT&T and causing a ton of damage - which I think was actually the plot of Shark Attack 3 and the worst book ever written, Meg by Steve Alten. THE MAIN CHARACTER ENDS UP WALKING AROUND INSIDE A MEGALODON OMG WTF!!!! Don't ever read that.
- A perch and a barracuda are of the same order. Think about that the next time you laugh at a perch. They're practically the same species.
- The world's smallest fishing boat apparently can fit seven people, and the constructioners pick up our life guard friends. The sharks neglect to ram this smallest of boats despite having rammed several boats earlier that were even bigger. But, bummer of all bummers, they run out of gas. They ran out of gas. They have no more fuel. Sometimes I wish I was just making these movies up in my head, and nobody had actually green lighted scripts like this.
-Ugh. Somehow, despite having no fuel, they magically drifted to the construction house. Well, not quite to the construction house, they stopped about 25 feet from it for no explainable reason, and are now sitting there and "have to swim for it." The sharks show up, and old man who got engaged to super-uninformed and now digesting in a shark's belly life guard lady jumps in and swims away from the house to distract the sharks. Some would say that was noble. Others, like me, would say he just wants his time on this movie to finally end.
- Now they are in the basement of the construction house, which is half flooded of course, and also of course, somehow a shark got in and is now stalking Tackleberry and hot blondie. Luckily, Tackleberry saves blondie and severely injures the shark with a chainsaw. Yep, you read that right.
- Main construction guy somehow blew it up by doing something with some pipes. I seriously have no idea. That made less sense than Christina Aguilera marrying that little troll guy she married.
- For some reason Lifeguard guy just got out of the truck and into the water, and of course a shark came after him which he of course then killed using a chainsaw. Again. This is so weird.
- They just killed the last shark, this time by trapping and then stabbing it to death with various construction tools. Then they are finally picked up by helicopter and this garbage is over, but not before we find out that Studly Lifeguard and main construction guy are both in love with manly Maggie. She says, "How do you boys feel about sharing your toys?" I'm totally not kidding. She just proposed a threesome.
Overall, this was awful. Bad story, faulty science to a degree last seen in a second-grader's story, and put the cherry on top, there were like, no main characters killed. The end total was five still living, which is an embarrasment itself, and that was out of like seven characters we were actually introduced to. I had such high hopes, but this might have been the worst one yet. I'm still not sure why I keep doing this to myself.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Please Explain
If those weirdos in the movie "The Village" didn't want their family to live in the modern world, why didn't they just move to an Amish Village instead of making up this whole fake world with those big ass walls and inventing that gay ass fake monster to scare everbody?
Oh. Watch out for Spoilers up there.
Oh. Watch out for Spoilers up there.
2010 Gopher Hoop Offers
With the recent news that #1 recruit for 2010 Harrison Barnes has knocked the Gophers off his list of possibilities, it dawned on me that the team still doesn't have a commitment for 2010. I believe they will have three scholarships open (L-Dub, DJ, and Bostick) assuming Ralph doesn't go pro. It's not necessarily a huge worry, since the team has plenty of young talent and can roll scholarships over if need be, but with four more coming available in 2011, I doubt Tubby wants to have to fill 7 spots in one year. That was hard as hell to fill all your spots when you had that many open in College Hoops 2k6 on the playstation.
Anyway, according to Rivals, these are the players the Gophers have made an offer to for 2010, not including offers that have already been spurned (besides Barnes, Jordan Sibert (#37 recruit) has declared for Ohio State, Tim Hardaway (2 stars) to Michigan, and Zach McCabe (3 stars) to Iowa.
- Vander Blue - Madison, WI - #22 overall, #6 PG. Other than being sweet to steal a kid out of Madison, and this dude having a sweet name, it would be great to get a real point guard so we don't have to watch Al Nolen fumble around any more. Blue had verbally comitted to Wisconsin, but backed out in May after realizing that Bo Ryan looked exactly like Richard Vernon and taught the most boringest brand of basketball in existence. Unfortunately the Gophers seem to be on the outside looking in with Blue, who plans to visit Flordia, Arizona, UCLA, Tennessee, and a fifth school. The Gophers have a shot at being that fifth school. I hope so. Then we can say things like, "You're my boy, Blue!"
- Cory Joseph - Henderson, NV via Canada - #7 overall, #3 PG. I've written plenty on Joseph here in the past, but in case you have good taste and don't usually read this blog, he is current Gopher Devoe Joseph's brother, and has shot up the rankings over the past year. Joseph recently spent some time on the Minnesota campus hanging with his brother, and has also visited Marquette with trips to Villanova and UCONN coming up. Joseph is #1 on my wish list for the team now that Barnes is off the table.
- Trevor Releford - Shawnee Mission, KS - #98 overall, #24 PG. There's been a lot of chatter about this dude and the Gophers, but naturally I haven't paid that much attention to it. It seems I probably should of, because I think it's looking extremely likely that Releford ends up a Golden Gopher. In a recent interview when he was asked which schools were recruiting him, the only two he could name were the Gophers and Arizona. He also mentioned not only being impressed with Tubby Smith, but always having enjoyed Minnesota when he has been here for a tournament. He is described as being a pass first point guard, which is absolutely what this team will need with all the scoring talent coming in.
- Trey Ziegler - Mount Pleasant, MI - #26 overall, #4 SG. Ziegler is, like Cory Joseph, another fast riser who is finding himself high on many team's priority list, including Michigan State, Oklahoma, Pitt, and UCLA among several others, with UCLA recently really upping their efforts to land the swingman. Interestingly enough, despite a name like Trey, his strength isn't his perimeter shot. He's known for being strong with the dribble and being very strong at the rim, along with a solid mid-range game.
- Casey Prather - Jackson, TN - #64 overall, #13 SF. The last of the truly elite prospects on this list, Prather recently narrowed his list down to seven schools and, like with Barnes, the Gophers did not make the cut. He's only included here because I already started typing this before I realized he had removed the Gophers from consideration.
- Chad Calcaterra - Cloquet, MN - 3 stars. The good news on Calc is that the Gophers are the most high profile school on his list. The bad news is that the Gophers are the most high profile school on his list. Diamond in the rough, or not that good? Based on the reviews of his play in the Howard Pulley League, it's looking like he could be a diamond in the rough. He's very physical when he goes to the rim, has an excellent jump hook, and a good mid-range jumper, although at 6-10, 210 lbs. he needs to add some muscle. He also sounds like a nerd, since Harvard and Stanford are two of the schools he plans to visit - although this makes me like him better.
- Elliott Eliason - Chadron, NE - 3 stars. Another midwestern big man, Eliason also can count the offer from the Gophers as his most prestigious, but it sounds like it will be tough to dislodge him from Creighton at this point. He did take an unofficial visit here, and must have enjoyed himself because he's coming back again for an official visit September 12th, although he is also hitting Stanford over Labor Day weekend.
Overall, it looks like Tubby has set his sights pretty high, but as more and more recruits Tubby has shown interest in either drop the Gophers from consideration or commit elsewhere (besides the above, Ricky Kreklow is going to Missouri, Alex Kirk isn't interested, Frank Williams has made it clear he wants to play for Kansas State, and something weird happened with Aaron Cosby that now has him as a class of 2011 player), you have to wonder when Tubby is going to capture that first comittment.
I'm not exactly worried, more like curious. I expect to see Releford and one of the big men likely come here, with Joseph, Blue, and/or Ziegler a bonus. Plus who knows with Tubby, he's probably after some dude nobody has heard of yet who will end up being a five star. Like Fred Durst said, "You gotta have faith."
Anyway, according to Rivals, these are the players the Gophers have made an offer to for 2010, not including offers that have already been spurned (besides Barnes, Jordan Sibert (#37 recruit) has declared for Ohio State, Tim Hardaway (2 stars) to Michigan, and Zach McCabe (3 stars) to Iowa.
- Vander Blue - Madison, WI - #22 overall, #6 PG. Other than being sweet to steal a kid out of Madison, and this dude having a sweet name, it would be great to get a real point guard so we don't have to watch Al Nolen fumble around any more. Blue had verbally comitted to Wisconsin, but backed out in May after realizing that Bo Ryan looked exactly like Richard Vernon and taught the most boringest brand of basketball in existence. Unfortunately the Gophers seem to be on the outside looking in with Blue, who plans to visit Flordia, Arizona, UCLA, Tennessee, and a fifth school. The Gophers have a shot at being that fifth school. I hope so. Then we can say things like, "You're my boy, Blue!"
- Cory Joseph - Henderson, NV via Canada - #7 overall, #3 PG. I've written plenty on Joseph here in the past, but in case you have good taste and don't usually read this blog, he is current Gopher Devoe Joseph's brother, and has shot up the rankings over the past year. Joseph recently spent some time on the Minnesota campus hanging with his brother, and has also visited Marquette with trips to Villanova and UCONN coming up. Joseph is #1 on my wish list for the team now that Barnes is off the table.
- Trevor Releford - Shawnee Mission, KS - #98 overall, #24 PG. There's been a lot of chatter about this dude and the Gophers, but naturally I haven't paid that much attention to it. It seems I probably should of, because I think it's looking extremely likely that Releford ends up a Golden Gopher. In a recent interview when he was asked which schools were recruiting him, the only two he could name were the Gophers and Arizona. He also mentioned not only being impressed with Tubby Smith, but always having enjoyed Minnesota when he has been here for a tournament. He is described as being a pass first point guard, which is absolutely what this team will need with all the scoring talent coming in.
- Trey Ziegler - Mount Pleasant, MI - #26 overall, #4 SG. Ziegler is, like Cory Joseph, another fast riser who is finding himself high on many team's priority list, including Michigan State, Oklahoma, Pitt, and UCLA among several others, with UCLA recently really upping their efforts to land the swingman. Interestingly enough, despite a name like Trey, his strength isn't his perimeter shot. He's known for being strong with the dribble and being very strong at the rim, along with a solid mid-range game.
- Casey Prather - Jackson, TN - #64 overall, #13 SF. The last of the truly elite prospects on this list, Prather recently narrowed his list down to seven schools and, like with Barnes, the Gophers did not make the cut. He's only included here because I already started typing this before I realized he had removed the Gophers from consideration.
- Chad Calcaterra - Cloquet, MN - 3 stars. The good news on Calc is that the Gophers are the most high profile school on his list. The bad news is that the Gophers are the most high profile school on his list. Diamond in the rough, or not that good? Based on the reviews of his play in the Howard Pulley League, it's looking like he could be a diamond in the rough. He's very physical when he goes to the rim, has an excellent jump hook, and a good mid-range jumper, although at 6-10, 210 lbs. he needs to add some muscle. He also sounds like a nerd, since Harvard and Stanford are two of the schools he plans to visit - although this makes me like him better.
- Elliott Eliason - Chadron, NE - 3 stars. Another midwestern big man, Eliason also can count the offer from the Gophers as his most prestigious, but it sounds like it will be tough to dislodge him from Creighton at this point. He did take an unofficial visit here, and must have enjoyed himself because he's coming back again for an official visit September 12th, although he is also hitting Stanford over Labor Day weekend.
Overall, it looks like Tubby has set his sights pretty high, but as more and more recruits Tubby has shown interest in either drop the Gophers from consideration or commit elsewhere (besides the above, Ricky Kreklow is going to Missouri, Alex Kirk isn't interested, Frank Williams has made it clear he wants to play for Kansas State, and something weird happened with Aaron Cosby that now has him as a class of 2011 player), you have to wonder when Tubby is going to capture that first comittment.
I'm not exactly worried, more like curious. I expect to see Releford and one of the big men likely come here, with Joseph, Blue, and/or Ziegler a bonus. Plus who knows with Tubby, he's probably after some dude nobody has heard of yet who will end up being a five star. Like Fred Durst said, "You gotta have faith."
Monday, August 24, 2009
Weekend Review - 8/24/2009
Yep, it's about time to bring back the Weekend Reviews every Monday. Let's get started. I could probably have mentioned Michael Cuddyer's two homers in one inning as being awesome, and it was, but I'm not going to.
WHO WAS AWESOME
1. Matt Hasselbeck. Yes, it's preseason football so really gives a crap, but you can still pay attention to a few things; one of which is that Hasselbeck is poised for a big year. He's coming off a year when he was hurt most of the season, and he sucked even when he did play, putting up a career worst 2-to-1 INT to TD ratio, so he's sort of been forgotten, but he could easily return to his 2007 form. Remember, not only was Hasselbeck hurt last year, but his his top two recievers, Deion Branch and Nate Burleson, were both hurt all year. This year, not only are those two back, but he now has a bona fide #1 in T.J. Houshmanzilly. And there is still no running game to speak off, so they're going to have to chuck it. It's going to be a good year.
2. Tavaris Jackson. If you read the live blog I did of the great Brett Favre's first Viking appearance, you know that I switched over to the Twins game as soon as the world's biggest attention queen left the game. I wish I wouldn't have, because according to the box score and Theory, T-Jax put on a straight up clinic. The numbers are gaudy, 12-15 for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns, and the reviews are glowing. Personally, I hope this gets somebody interested enough to give the Vikes a fifth round pick for him. No chance this guy becomes anything more than a poor man's Vince Young - and that is poor indeed, no matter what Bogart says.
3. John Smoltz. I don't know if it was the motivation that comes from getting cut, or facing a team in the Padres who really can't hit, but Smoltzy reached back in time and tossed a gem on Sunday in his debut with the Cardinals. Well, gem is probalby a bit strong, considering he only threw five innings, but giving up no runs and three hits while striking out 9 in those five innings is impressive, particularly coming from a guy who got destroyed when he was tossing for the Red Sox. The Cards have the hitting to make a run (and Pujols hit #40 yesterday), and if Smotlz can solidify an already very good pitching staff they will leap the Dodgers as the NL favorite.
4. Jay Cutler. I don't like to say nice things about other people in the NFC North, or about drunks because drinking is wrong and against God's word, but Cutler suddenly makes the division seem extra interesting. He played in just three series Saturday night, and managed to direct that shitty Bears offense to scores in all three - 2 TDs and a field goal. He did Cutler-like things, going just 8 for 13, but racking up 121 yards and a TD in the team's 17-3 win over the Giants - a pretty good defense. If Cutler gets that offense in gear, we are looking at a three horse race in the division.
5. Charlie Haeger. You're wondering who this is, and so I'll tell you. He's a knuckleballer for the Dodgers, and I love knuckleballers who aren't named Dickey, so this is even more exciting. On Saturday, Heager pitched a honey of a game against the Cubs going seven innings and giving up just three hits while striking out seven. That makes two starts for Haeger this year since being called up, and he's gone seven in each and has tallied an ERA of 1.93 and a WHIP of 0.86. Could this be the dominant knuckle ball pitcher American has been waiting for all this years? Yes, yes I think it could. And he's working with Charlie Hough, which can only help.
WHO SUCKED
1. Mark Buehrle. Remember when Buehrle set a record for most consecutive batters faced without allowing a runner, including his perfect game? Well things have sort of gone all to hell since then. After getting racked for five runs and 11 hits in 5 1/3 innings against the Orioles on Sunday, he's now gone 0-4 with an ERA over six since that perfect game. I don't really care, because he's half a fag and the White Sox are nothing but a collection of pedophiles and rapists, but I thought I'd point out that noted butt pirate Mark Buehrle sucked this weekend.
2. Arizona Diamondbacks. They beat the Astros on Sunday, so that takes a little bit of sting out of this, but prior to yesterday they had lost seven straight. They've been awful all season, and my preseason pick to win the NL pennant is currently sitting at fifteen games below .500, 19 games out of first in the division, and 15.5 out of the Wild Card. How could this happen you ask? Brandon Webb blowing out his shoulder after one start didn't help, but overall the starting pitching has been good, and the offense has been ok. The bullpen, however, has been a nightmare, putting up the fifth worse bullpen ERA in all of baseball. Scott Shoenweiss, who is fifth on the team in games pitched, is sporting an ERA over 8. Dan Haren is still awesome though.
3. Matthew Stafford. I already hit on an NFC North QB, so why not another one? The difference is that this one sucks. Yeah, yeah, he's a rookie and everything so we shouldn't expect him to be a star right away, but 5-13, 34 yards, and a pick on his very first attempt isn't exactly reassuring, especially when Culpepper played well and Drew Stanton threw a touchdown pass. He wasn't exactly rosey his first time out either, completing half his passes and going for 1 touch and 1 interception. Obviously as a rookie it's not quite time to give up on him or anything, but I'd say it's looking more like Culpepper will be the starter, and I'd guess for the entire season. At least one of the teams in the division will suck.
4. Cowboys Stadium. I mentioned here before that when I drove passed Cowboys Stadium it looked like a metal garbage dumpster, and it sounds like Jerry Jones tried to spruce the place up by putting a giant, 160 foot HD TV screen above the field. There's just one small problem: it's getting in the way. Titans' punter A.J. Trapasso hit the video screen with a punt in the Titans/Cowboys game this weekend, and the Titans actual punter, veteran Craig Hentrich, said that he and Trapasso both hit it several time in warm ups, and that any punt with a five second hang time is going to hit the screen. Jerry Jones response, "You don't gotta move it. The rule is very clear, you just kick it over." So it sounds like Jones screwed up by putting it to low, and now that it's going to be a major issue, his response is to ignore it and make teams take a do-over whenever it happens. This whole story is like a metaphor for the Jerry Jones era.
5. Harrison Barnes. I didn't read this and I haven't bothered to look it up, but according to the radio this morning, Mr. Barnes narrowed his possible schools list to six: UNC, Duke, UCLA, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Iowa State. You'll notice there is no Minnesota on the list. Really a shame too. I was looking forward to stealing and Ice Cube lyric so I could say, "If you F with Barnes, he leaves scars." I guess I'll save that one.
Honorable sucking mention to Super Sioux Fan. Not only has she stopped posting or commenting on this blog, but here own wildly entertaining blog, Diary of a Sioux Fan, has not only been killed, but she deleted every post she ever made as well. You suck, SSF.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Welcome to Minnesota, Pete Rose! (and then Twins)
7:00 - Well he's here, the Pete Rose of football. I'm glad he's here because I think he gives the Vikes the best chance to do more than limp to an NFC Central title and a first round bounce, but I still hate him. In any case he's here, and like all the rest of you ass clowns, I can't help it but I need to get a look at this. So why not blog it? Also, Mrs. W is super annoyed right now. She doesn't like football, hates Favre, and especially hates the preseason because there shouldn't be football in August. Plus, I never watch the preseason, ever, so this is extra irritating right now. I might have to watch something like Mona Lisa Smile to get back in her good graces after this. I hope you're freaking happy.
7:03 - The superlatives are flying.
7:04 - This commercial with Paul Allen "announcing the couple" bringing their couch inside their house, and then they pull the sheet off and it's a Vikings couch? It needs to go. It's embarrassing. And does anybody else thing PA is just a little too into his job. Jesus, dude, relax. He's going to have a heart attack within three years. I won't miss him.
7:06 - Percy Harvin and Favre shake hands, right as the camera is zoomed in on them. Yeah, that's not contrived.
7:07 - Sideline chick (note: not hot) has her microphone not work when they go to her for a story that was presumably about Favre and Booty, since they showed their pictures. Nice job ABC. This is why you lost your NFL contract. Well, actually it was because of money, but still.
7:09 - Vikes start on D, and force major pressure on Cassel two of the three downs and stuff old ass Larry Johnson on second down. Of course, Cassel still manages to find the world' s fattest, slowest, whitest tight end for 12 yards and a first down.
7:11 - Chiefs fumble, Vikes recover. Good defense. Of course, when KC refuses to throw the ball to one of the best receivers in football (Dwayne "the Show" Bowe) that'll happen. By the way, if you don't think Bowe is having a huge year, you really need to axe somebody.
7:14 - Favre's first pass attempt as a Vike: attempted two yard dump to some dumbass fullback - two feet in front of him, incomplete. Freakin' Tavaris could have done that. My football wang remains flaccid.
7:15 - Third and eight. Favre completes to Harvin (Favrin?) but shy of the first down by a half yard. That looks really familiar. They go for it on foruth down and AP gets stuffed. Chefs ball. I don't know, I would have put in Chester Taylor right there. Or ran a half back pass.
7:19 - In all seriousness though, do you realize that with Brett Favre at QB Thomas Jones led the AFC in rushing last season. Thomas Jones. T-Jones. Yes, that one. I'm serious. I'm not making this up. No, I will not shut up. Yeah, I'd put the over/under for AP yards this season at about 2,800.
7:21 - Catch Dwayne Bowe! Thirteen yards and another KC Chief.....FIRST DOWN!!!!
7:24 - Challenged by the Vikes, overturned. What do you think the combined IQ of the coaches of the Twins and Vikings is? Dawger + Super Sioux Fan level?
7:25 - The Twins are already down 1-0. Of course they are.
7:27 - Field goal, and it's 3-0 Chiefs. The Royals are about one hit away from having that same lead on your precious Twins and Nick Blackburn. Wow. Twins/Royals. Vikings/Chiefs. What a night to be alive.
7:30 - After a fake reverse kick return by Percy (which I admit got me kind of excited) we see Favre running back out for another series. Announcer guy definitely has a boner. I remain unmoved.
7:31 - I hate to divulge secrets when I know many of my fantasy golf leaguemates read this blog, but I have to just tell you that I know who is going to win the Fed Ex Cup: Padraig Harrington. Book it.
7:32 - If the Twins get beat by Luke Hochevar I quit. He doesn't even bend his hat brim. And he's white. Christ.
7:33 - Favre throws one about five thousand miles an hour, but misses the receiver by approx. 100 feet. Announcer guy wants us to know, "I'm ok with that. That should be a completion once the QB and receiver get to know each other." I can't wait until they're still saying that in week 9.
7:34 - Big time blitz not picked up. Instead of eating the ball, Favre tosses it up randomly like you would do in Madden when you're facing Engage 8 (unless you're the Colts). Luckily it just harmlessly hits the ground. These two series were super unfulfilling. I have to watch Mona Lisa Smile for this?
7:35 - Oh god the chin strap thing! Maybe nothing has annoyed me more over the years than Favre's constant need to unhook his chin strap the second the play is over - every. single. time. And now I have to root for that guy. I didn't realize how hard this would be.
7:39 - Bad thing number two, as I once again listen to the announcer say things like, "Man, Favre is down there talking football with Berrian, I want to be down there" - the constant, constant, constant, overstated praise of Favre, not matter what the situation actually is. I don't know that I can handle this. Also the defense seems to be sacking Cassel a lot, which I think is good.
7:42 - T-Jax in. At least he can't be worse than Favre.
7:44 - Ok, he was worse. He just scrambled, ran five yards passed the line of scrimmage, and then threw a pass. Oh, sure, the receiver was open. That'll happen when you run where the linebackers used to be before you toss the ball. My god. It's time to cut bait.
7:48 - Another Royal ding-dong. Blackburn sucks and so do the Twins. I can't do this anymore.
8:40 - I'm back. Did you miss me? BB Gun decided to start throwing BBs, and somehow the Twins scratched out three runs against this year's Pedro Martinez, and we're all tied at 3-3 heading to the 7th.
8:41 - Cuddyer whiffs on three pitches, the last being a slider so far outside and so far in the dirt that a retarded monkey with a hairlip wouldn't have gone after it. That dude is driving me crazy.
8:44 - According to Coomer the ball Crede just hit, "Would have been out of here if he hadn't hit it in August." What. The. Eff.
8:47 - They're forcing Ragarm McTiredarm out there for the bottom of the seventh because everybody in the bullpen (save Nathan) is currently icing their arms thanks to this starting rotation. I'm expecting bad things.
8:56 - T-Jax is 9-11 for 117 yards and a touch? I almost wish I had kept watching.
Almost.
8:59 - Well I was wrong. Still tied, top o' eight on it's way.
9:04 - Casilla bunts Gomez over to second after Gomez got on first somehow. I'm not sure, I wasn't paying attention. In any case, here is a spot I actually agree with a sac bunt. I generally agree with a sac bunt most times when it's used properly. When Gardy has Cabrera sac bunt in the first, however, is where we have problems.
9:10 - Twins take the lead on a Span single and the worst throw I've ever seen from the KC center fielder. Also the remote control is missing.
9:12 - Tavaris is now 12-15 for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns. I almost wish I had been watching to see how this was possible.
9:16 - Yeah, you go ahead and walk Mauer to face Kubel. Let's see how that works.
9:18 - Dammit.
9:21 - I FOUND THE REMOTE!!!!!
9:25 - Dwayne Bowe had a TD today. Expect to hear that about 16 times this season.
9:29 - The Guerrier/Mijares combo works how it was supposed to all year (including a pick offed runner at first), and we head to the ninth with the Twinks still up a point.
9:30 - Did Strasburg end up signing with the Nationals? Jesus I don't even know. Hold on.
9:31 - Yep, four years, 15.1 million. Everything I've heard says he could pitch now. I'm assuming the Nats will at least hold off until next season, but I'm looking forward to seeing this kid. Hopefully he doesn't follow in Mark Prior's foot steps.
9:34 - It's bizarre to me that Cuddyer just struck out. I mean, this is equivalent to striking out Joe Sewell.
9:35 - Crede flies out to center. I'm guessing if it wasn't August that ball is gone.
9:36 - Del-Money hits like he usually does, and we go bottom (like your mom). Nathan on. I'm struggling to stay interested.
9:42 - Nathan struggling to handle Teahen of all people. This doesn't bode well. I'm predicting extra innings.
9:43 - Teahen grounds out. This whole thing with Calipari is kind of garbage, to be honest. Suddenly Memphis is not only vacating it's most succesful season ever, but is also on probation for the next there years (I haven't seen what this entails).
Say what you want about Calipari's culpability (I've heard excuses that neither Memphis or Cal knew Rose cheated on the SAT), but this is the second time he's taken a team to the final four only to have that appearance stricken from the record books due to cheating - and yet once again he has escaped scott free.
Let's be honest here, the guy is dirty as all hell, he's just been pretty good about staying ahead of the law. Kentucky is the perfect place for him. Those rednecks will do everything they can to cover for him. Marriage made in heaven.
Oh yeah. Rose took his fraudulent SAT test in Detroit. He's from Chicago. A lot easier to have someone take a test for you in a state you aren't from. I have a very hard time believing Calipari didn't know this.
9:47 - Someone named Brian Pena (related to Tony? I don't know) just tied the game. Told you Nathan didn't have it. I suppose when your team gets you a save chance once every month you probably get a bit rusty.
9:50 - Coomer (is this even Coomer? I'm just guessing. Where's Bert? What's happening?) goes with the "the ball doesn't carry in August" angle again as some guy I've never heard of almost wins the game with a ball that only goes off the wall. You know, that might possibly even be a true thing, but when I hear some jackass just popping off on a broadcast, I need a little more than anecdotal evidence. And now we head to extras. Brian Pena is a dickweed.
9:56 - Oh good, Soria is in. The new Mariano Rivera. Assuming he goes two innings, no chance the Twins could possibly win this until the tenth. And they just showed Jesse Crain warming in the Twins' pen. This couldn't be more over.
9:59 - Casilla bloop, Cabrera bloop misplayed by Willy freaking Bloomquist and the Twins go back on top. Horseshoe up ass kind of stuff going on here.
10:00 - Another intential walk of Mauer. Don't let me down Kubes.
10:06 - Oh, I forgot to mention that he let me down. Nathan still pitching. One out, one on.
10:14 - Two runners on with nobody out, and Alberto Callaspo has fouled off about six straight two strike pitches. There's no way he should still be in there. Nathan doesn't have it tonight, and we saw he didn't have it last inning. I know what you're thinking, "Who else could they put in?" and I have no idea, but it's clear Nathan is not on his game tonight. And Callaspo fouled off two more pitches while I was typing that. This is ridiculous.
10:18 - Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. JOE NATHAN HAS THROWN 48 PITCHES. Ok, 49 now. Great job Gardy.
10:20 - Fifty.
10:21 - I can't find a website where I can get pitch counts by game, but I'm willing to wager my house that this is the most pitches Nathan has ever thrown in a game as a Twin, and I would almost bet it's the most a closer has thrown since the early 80s, or at least towards the top of that list.
10:22 - 52
10:23 - Line out. Twins win. Nathan's arm probably shot. Not that it matters. This season is a dick.
7:03 - The superlatives are flying.
7:04 - This commercial with Paul Allen "announcing the couple" bringing their couch inside their house, and then they pull the sheet off and it's a Vikings couch? It needs to go. It's embarrassing. And does anybody else thing PA is just a little too into his job. Jesus, dude, relax. He's going to have a heart attack within three years. I won't miss him.
7:06 - Percy Harvin and Favre shake hands, right as the camera is zoomed in on them. Yeah, that's not contrived.
7:07 - Sideline chick (note: not hot) has her microphone not work when they go to her for a story that was presumably about Favre and Booty, since they showed their pictures. Nice job ABC. This is why you lost your NFL contract. Well, actually it was because of money, but still.
7:09 - Vikes start on D, and force major pressure on Cassel two of the three downs and stuff old ass Larry Johnson on second down. Of course, Cassel still manages to find the world' s fattest, slowest, whitest tight end for 12 yards and a first down.
7:11 - Chiefs fumble, Vikes recover. Good defense. Of course, when KC refuses to throw the ball to one of the best receivers in football (Dwayne "the Show" Bowe) that'll happen. By the way, if you don't think Bowe is having a huge year, you really need to axe somebody.
7:14 - Favre's first pass attempt as a Vike: attempted two yard dump to some dumbass fullback - two feet in front of him, incomplete. Freakin' Tavaris could have done that. My football wang remains flaccid.
7:15 - Third and eight. Favre completes to Harvin (Favrin?) but shy of the first down by a half yard. That looks really familiar. They go for it on foruth down and AP gets stuffed. Chefs ball. I don't know, I would have put in Chester Taylor right there. Or ran a half back pass.
7:19 - In all seriousness though, do you realize that with Brett Favre at QB Thomas Jones led the AFC in rushing last season. Thomas Jones. T-Jones. Yes, that one. I'm serious. I'm not making this up. No, I will not shut up. Yeah, I'd put the over/under for AP yards this season at about 2,800.
7:21 - Catch Dwayne Bowe! Thirteen yards and another KC Chief.....FIRST DOWN!!!!
7:24 - Challenged by the Vikes, overturned. What do you think the combined IQ of the coaches of the Twins and Vikings is? Dawger + Super Sioux Fan level?
7:25 - The Twins are already down 1-0. Of course they are.
7:27 - Field goal, and it's 3-0 Chiefs. The Royals are about one hit away from having that same lead on your precious Twins and Nick Blackburn. Wow. Twins/Royals. Vikings/Chiefs. What a night to be alive.
7:30 - After a fake reverse kick return by Percy (which I admit got me kind of excited) we see Favre running back out for another series. Announcer guy definitely has a boner. I remain unmoved.
7:31 - I hate to divulge secrets when I know many of my fantasy golf leaguemates read this blog, but I have to just tell you that I know who is going to win the Fed Ex Cup: Padraig Harrington. Book it.
7:32 - If the Twins get beat by Luke Hochevar I quit. He doesn't even bend his hat brim. And he's white. Christ.
7:33 - Favre throws one about five thousand miles an hour, but misses the receiver by approx. 100 feet. Announcer guy wants us to know, "I'm ok with that. That should be a completion once the QB and receiver get to know each other." I can't wait until they're still saying that in week 9.
7:34 - Big time blitz not picked up. Instead of eating the ball, Favre tosses it up randomly like you would do in Madden when you're facing Engage 8 (unless you're the Colts). Luckily it just harmlessly hits the ground. These two series were super unfulfilling. I have to watch Mona Lisa Smile for this?
7:35 - Oh god the chin strap thing! Maybe nothing has annoyed me more over the years than Favre's constant need to unhook his chin strap the second the play is over - every. single. time. And now I have to root for that guy. I didn't realize how hard this would be.
7:39 - Bad thing number two, as I once again listen to the announcer say things like, "Man, Favre is down there talking football with Berrian, I want to be down there" - the constant, constant, constant, overstated praise of Favre, not matter what the situation actually is. I don't know that I can handle this. Also the defense seems to be sacking Cassel a lot, which I think is good.
7:42 - T-Jax in. At least he can't be worse than Favre.
7:44 - Ok, he was worse. He just scrambled, ran five yards passed the line of scrimmage, and then threw a pass. Oh, sure, the receiver was open. That'll happen when you run where the linebackers used to be before you toss the ball. My god. It's time to cut bait.
7:48 - Another Royal ding-dong. Blackburn sucks and so do the Twins. I can't do this anymore.
8:40 - I'm back. Did you miss me? BB Gun decided to start throwing BBs, and somehow the Twins scratched out three runs against this year's Pedro Martinez, and we're all tied at 3-3 heading to the 7th.
8:41 - Cuddyer whiffs on three pitches, the last being a slider so far outside and so far in the dirt that a retarded monkey with a hairlip wouldn't have gone after it. That dude is driving me crazy.
8:44 - According to Coomer the ball Crede just hit, "Would have been out of here if he hadn't hit it in August." What. The. Eff.
8:47 - They're forcing Ragarm McTiredarm out there for the bottom of the seventh because everybody in the bullpen (save Nathan) is currently icing their arms thanks to this starting rotation. I'm expecting bad things.
8:56 - T-Jax is 9-11 for 117 yards and a touch? I almost wish I had kept watching.
Almost.
8:59 - Well I was wrong. Still tied, top o' eight on it's way.
9:04 - Casilla bunts Gomez over to second after Gomez got on first somehow. I'm not sure, I wasn't paying attention. In any case, here is a spot I actually agree with a sac bunt. I generally agree with a sac bunt most times when it's used properly. When Gardy has Cabrera sac bunt in the first, however, is where we have problems.
9:10 - Twins take the lead on a Span single and the worst throw I've ever seen from the KC center fielder. Also the remote control is missing.
9:12 - Tavaris is now 12-15 for 202 yards and 2 touchdowns. I almost wish I had been watching to see how this was possible.
9:16 - Yeah, you go ahead and walk Mauer to face Kubel. Let's see how that works.
9:18 - Dammit.
9:21 - I FOUND THE REMOTE!!!!!
9:25 - Dwayne Bowe had a TD today. Expect to hear that about 16 times this season.
9:29 - The Guerrier/Mijares combo works how it was supposed to all year (including a pick offed runner at first), and we head to the ninth with the Twinks still up a point.
9:30 - Did Strasburg end up signing with the Nationals? Jesus I don't even know. Hold on.
9:31 - Yep, four years, 15.1 million. Everything I've heard says he could pitch now. I'm assuming the Nats will at least hold off until next season, but I'm looking forward to seeing this kid. Hopefully he doesn't follow in Mark Prior's foot steps.
9:34 - It's bizarre to me that Cuddyer just struck out. I mean, this is equivalent to striking out Joe Sewell.
9:35 - Crede flies out to center. I'm guessing if it wasn't August that ball is gone.
9:36 - Del-Money hits like he usually does, and we go bottom (like your mom). Nathan on. I'm struggling to stay interested.
9:42 - Nathan struggling to handle Teahen of all people. This doesn't bode well. I'm predicting extra innings.
9:43 - Teahen grounds out. This whole thing with Calipari is kind of garbage, to be honest. Suddenly Memphis is not only vacating it's most succesful season ever, but is also on probation for the next there years (I haven't seen what this entails).
Say what you want about Calipari's culpability (I've heard excuses that neither Memphis or Cal knew Rose cheated on the SAT), but this is the second time he's taken a team to the final four only to have that appearance stricken from the record books due to cheating - and yet once again he has escaped scott free.
Let's be honest here, the guy is dirty as all hell, he's just been pretty good about staying ahead of the law. Kentucky is the perfect place for him. Those rednecks will do everything they can to cover for him. Marriage made in heaven.
Oh yeah. Rose took his fraudulent SAT test in Detroit. He's from Chicago. A lot easier to have someone take a test for you in a state you aren't from. I have a very hard time believing Calipari didn't know this.
9:47 - Someone named Brian Pena (related to Tony? I don't know) just tied the game. Told you Nathan didn't have it. I suppose when your team gets you a save chance once every month you probably get a bit rusty.
9:50 - Coomer (is this even Coomer? I'm just guessing. Where's Bert? What's happening?) goes with the "the ball doesn't carry in August" angle again as some guy I've never heard of almost wins the game with a ball that only goes off the wall. You know, that might possibly even be a true thing, but when I hear some jackass just popping off on a broadcast, I need a little more than anecdotal evidence. And now we head to extras. Brian Pena is a dickweed.
9:56 - Oh good, Soria is in. The new Mariano Rivera. Assuming he goes two innings, no chance the Twins could possibly win this until the tenth. And they just showed Jesse Crain warming in the Twins' pen. This couldn't be more over.
9:59 - Casilla bloop, Cabrera bloop misplayed by Willy freaking Bloomquist and the Twins go back on top. Horseshoe up ass kind of stuff going on here.
10:00 - Another intential walk of Mauer. Don't let me down Kubes.
10:06 - Oh, I forgot to mention that he let me down. Nathan still pitching. One out, one on.
10:14 - Two runners on with nobody out, and Alberto Callaspo has fouled off about six straight two strike pitches. There's no way he should still be in there. Nathan doesn't have it tonight, and we saw he didn't have it last inning. I know what you're thinking, "Who else could they put in?" and I have no idea, but it's clear Nathan is not on his game tonight. And Callaspo fouled off two more pitches while I was typing that. This is ridiculous.
10:18 - Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. Joe Nathan has thrown 48 pitches. JOE NATHAN HAS THROWN 48 PITCHES. Ok, 49 now. Great job Gardy.
10:20 - Fifty.
10:21 - I can't find a website where I can get pitch counts by game, but I'm willing to wager my house that this is the most pitches Nathan has ever thrown in a game as a Twin, and I would almost bet it's the most a closer has thrown since the early 80s, or at least towards the top of that list.
10:22 - 52
10:23 - Line out. Twins win. Nathan's arm probably shot. Not that it matters. This season is a dick.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Book Review: The Beckham Experiment
I recently finished the book "The Beckham Experiment" by Grant Wahl, and I know what you're thinking: Why would you read a book about soccer? I'm not sure, to be honest, but one reason might be because it was sent to me free. In any case, I'm glad I did.
Before picking this up, I knew approximately four things about David Beckham:
1. He was half great soccer player, half pretty boy and fashionista
2. He married the second hottest Spice Girl
3. A movie with his name in it introduced the world to the hotness that is Keira Knightley
4. He came to the US to play in MLS and it was a big deal
And that's it. I knew he joined the L.A. Galaxy of MLS, and had no idea how that turned out.
This book takes you inside everything, from the decision process to come over here from England all the way to the final outcome, with plenty of inside access in between, on all sides, and what a train wreck this was, with no shortage of mistakes and miscues, including:
Beckham's inability to be "one of the guys", his frustration with the skill level of his teammates, his failure to take a leadership role despite taking the team captaincy away from Landon Donovan, and his play not living up to expectations, due both to injuries and to simple poor effort.
Donovan's immaturity, both on a personal and professional level.
Coach Ruud Gullitt, and his lazy attitude and sense of entitlement leading to a lack of preparation by the team, and a whole shit load of confused players when he refused to learn the differences between MLS and European League soccer.
GM Alexei Lalas's failure to keep control of the soccer operations of his team, leading to his eventual firing.
Team owner Tim Leiweke's initial decisions to try to turn this in to the David Beckham show and bow to the whims of his management team, only turning around and making the correct decisions for the whole team when it was too late.
But mainly, from the people behind Beckham. From his personal manager Tim Byrne to the head of the production company behind him, Simon Fuller, and their strong arming of everyone involved to make decisions for the team, leading to two losing seasons and three coaches in two years.
It's amazing how something with the best intentions (Leiweke's desire to explode soccer in the US and Beckham's wish to be a part of it) can be corrupted by money and too many people covering their owns asses and looking out only for their own pockets. This story doesn't even have to pertain to soccer, it could essentially apply to any far-reaching plan that gets torpedoed when everyone has their own agenda.
Wahl was given a lot of behind the scenes access here, and he used to his full advantage, getting down to the nitty gritty details, particularly with Lalas who was very candid throughout. And, despite the fact that Beckham wouldn't grat him one on one interviews, he still manages to convey what Beckham was thinking and feeling throughout much of the book, and you really get a sense of both his frustration and his teammates' once he gave up on them.
This is a really great and interesting look at the entire situation, and I recommend it, whether you are a soccer fan or not. As for me, despite having very little interest in soccer, after reading this book I almost watched the USA vs. Mexico World Cup Qualifier.
Almost.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Mbakwe Rhymes with Alibi?
We have kind of a good news bad news post here.
First, the good news, and what you're probably more interested in. According to the intrepid Myron P. Medcalf over at the star trib, future (?) Gopher forward Trevor Mbakwe's future is starting to look a whole lot more rosey with the news that he has an alibi like a mo fo for his assault charge.
If you recall, or if you don't, some lying liar woman said that at 2:45 AM on April 3rd, Mbakwe punched her in the face and then tried to pull her pants down before fleeing on a bicycle, in a scene that honestly sounds like Deebo from the movie Friday. As I've said many times in conversations with myself, this woman sounds like a bit of a loon, and I ain't buying her story.
Well, sounds like me (and Trevor, I guess) have now been vindicated, as Mbakwe's alibi is about as good as you can get. He held a party at his place that night, and both the men's and women's basketball teams were in attendance. His lawyer plans to call four witnesses at his trial in September (although I doubt we get to that point) who can place him at the apartment at the time of attack, and it sounds like he could probably produce even more if need be.
And let's be honest, this sounds ridiculous. I know the poor woman had a fractured cheekbone, but doesn't it seem a little bit like the opposite of every domestic assault story? Like, this girl actually fell down the stairs or ran into a door, but was so embarrassed she blamed the first big black guy she saw. And Mbakwe is 6-8 240 and built like Lattimer from The Program. I think if he hit a chick there'd be a bit more damage than just a fractured cheekbone. Maybe he used a phonebook?
And now the bad news, and I have to tell you the worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was playing in a golf tournament down in Elko for work (one of my teammates was a relative of Joe Mauer, by the way) and it was to raise money to fight MS, so they had a silent auction.
One of the items up to bid was a package of a full size basketball autographed by Tubby Smith and a full size football autographed by Tim Brewster (street value = $600 according to the memorabilia joint that donated them). Obviously one of these things I want very much, and the other I don't care about. The starting bid amount was $150, however, so that was that.
Except after the tournament (we shot +2, finishing in the bottom third, and I was the best player on the team which is terrifying) nobody had bid on this yet, and so they dropped the opening bid amount to just $60. So I bid. Then some dude bids up to $70. I go $80, he goes $90, I go $100. At this point he's eating, and they announce the two minute warning on silent auctions and he hasn't gone near it yet, so I'm thinking maybe I win.
Well, he gets up to head over there, and I have an idea. I stop him before he bids and ask, "Hey I'm the one bidding against you, do you want the basketball or the football or both?" He says, "I don't care, I just want to get something autographed by a Gopher for my kid." So I say, "How about this - I just want the basketball. Don't bid, and I'll win for $100 and I'll sell you the football for $50, deal?" He agrees, they ring the time is up bell, and all is good.
UNTIL.
Half hour or so later they post the winners. The winning bid for the gopher autographed balls is $125. I go up to the guy and ask him if he bid. Nope. In the final 20 seconds of bidding, some little dickweed snuck in and beat our bid. So instead of getting a really nice ball autographed by Tubby for $50, I get nothing. Well, I got some free tees and a t-shirt and a mug and some weird balls with no writing on them at all, plus I won $20 from the Children's Miracle Network by wagering on myself to put it on the green on a par 3 and taking away some kids meals for a week, which was awesome, but not the same. Some little sneaking dickweed.
OR
Was this all a scam? Was there some little dickweed who was a volunteer or an organizer, saw the balls only went for $100, and decided to make a late, illegal, immoral, and dickweedish bid? After I talked to my business partner he was shocked we didn't win. According to him, he looked at the sheet right as the bell rang, and my bid was still the winner.
I've already talked to Snacks about this (actually he was the first one to call shenanigans) and he tells me we don't have any legal recourse here. Well, that's fine because he's not a real lawyer anyway. I'm putting out a call on the BogartPhoneTM. Tell me what we can do.
DON'T LET ME DOWN
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Mauer for MVP?
Before I get to "Can Joe Mauer win the MVP?" how crazy was the end of the PGA? Going into today's final round, three players have a realistic chance at winning: Tiger Woods at -8, Padraig Harrington at -6, and Y.E. Yang at -6, with a whole bunch of other people who would need an amazing day to get into the conversation. Well, nobody even bothered to break 70, Harrington shot a +6 to drop completely out of contention, and Yang and Tiger went head-to-head (they were playing partners today) and Tiger is the one who blinked.
After Yang's chip in for Eagle at 14 to give him a 1 shot lead, Tiger had plenty of chances to at least make a run at tying it up, but coughed them up. He flubbed a 5-Wood trying to get home in two at the par-5 fifteenth, then missed the green on all three closing holes. Yang even tried to help him out by bogeying seventeen, but Tiger went ahead and bogied as well. Just an incredible thing. I won't quite jump on the "Tiger has lost his mystique" bandwagon, but it was pretty mind blowing watching the best, most intense, nerves-of-steel competitor I've ever seen (outside of Scott Norwood, of course) choke away the championship, playing at a similar level and making the same mistakes he's watched his Sunday playing partners make time after time. I'm still in a little bit of shock.
I also want to mention that Rory McIroy has the absolute hottest girlfriend on the PGA Tour. Just sick hot. Anyway, back to the question, "Can Joe Mauer win the MVP award on a losing team?"
Now, it can be done and has been before. Maybe most famously by the Hawk, Andre Dawson, who won in 1987 with the Cubs, putting up a line of .287/.328/.568 with 49 home runs (in an era when nobody hit that many) and 137 rbi for a team that finished 76-85 and dead last in the division, 18.5 games out of first. Of course, Jack Clark probably should have won the MVP that year, and he played for a division winner, so the writers don't always follow any kind of recognizable logic. That will actually play in Mauer's favor - everybody likes him. Personal bias doesn't seem to affect baseball MVP voting as much as other sports (see Bonds with 7 MVPs and Jeff Kent actually won one), but it certainly won't hurt Golden Joe.
Of course, in recent years the trend has been to only give the MVP award to someone on a division winner, with the asinine argument that the award should go to the most valuable player and not the best player and that a great player on a bad team can't be valuable, so that doesn't help since this Twins squad might be the worst baseball team in the league since the Twins of 1999. I took a look at the AL MVP winners going back to 1990, and the team's the winners played on won their division 15 times, with another two wild card winners. That mean's there were two AL MVPs on teams that didn't win their division; 1991 Cal Ripken, and 2002 Alex Rodriguez.
Ripken's Orioles were 67-95, and finished 24 games out of first place. Ripken definitely deserved the award that year, as he was clearly the best player in the league. He put up .323/.374/.566, with 34 homers and 116 rbi, finishing in the top five in pretty much every category. Frank Thomas could make an argument, with a better OBP and OPS, but Ripken has him in every other category.
A-Rod's win in 2003 isn't quite as clear cut. He definitely had an outstanding year, hitting for .298/.396/.600 with 47 homers and 118 rbi for the 71-91 Rangers, while Carlos Delgado of the 86-76 Blue Jays hit .302/.426/.593 with 42 and 145. I have no idea why A-Rod won this one, but it goes to show that a player can win the MVP while playing for a losing team, even if he isn't the best player in the league that season (as 2 of the 3 I just looked at weren't).
Of course, it can go the other way too. You just have to look back at 2006, when David Ortiz should have won the award going away, but ended up finishing third behind Morneau and Derek Jeter, simply because the Red Sox missed the playoffs. A similar thing happened in 2004, too, this time to Manny Ramirez. His team didn't win the division (although they did win the Wild Card) and he lost MVP to Vlad Guerrero despite having superior numbers. And that seems to be the way the major sports are trending to go with their MVP awards in the past 10 years, but that A-Rod outlier means you can't rule it out just yet.
Is Mauer's season good enough to win? Right now, before today's game where once again I got to watch a Twins' starter completely implode and not bother to get out of the third, he is hitting .378/.446/.630. He also has 22 home runs, and 73 rbi through May, June, July, and almost exactly half of August. If we roughly project those out, we can reasonably expect Mauer to finish with 31 homers and 104 rbi. He is currently leading the league in batting average, on-base percentage, and slugging (and obviously OPS) - simply incredible, and maybe the best season a catcher has ever had.
.378 would be the highest batting average ever by a catcher (since Lave Cross's .394 in 1894). His .446 OBP would be the highest by a catcher since Mickey Cochrane's .452 in 1935, and the third best since 1900. Even his .630 slugging, long considered a weak point of his game, would rank third-best by a catcher ever, behind just 2003 Javy Lopez and 1997 Mike Piazza. All this leads up to an OPS of 1.076 - the best number a catcher has ever put up.
Even his home runs are nothing to dismiss, as if he hits 31 it would be the 31st most in a season by a catcher, and he would become just the 26th catcher to hit 30 in a season. And I'm tired of manually counting stuff up, but those 104 rbi would rank similarly in the history of catchers.
The only season that comes close is Mike Piazza's 1997, universally recognized as the best hitting season a catcher has ever had. That year Piazza hit .362/.431/.638 with 40 homers and 124 rbi, and finished second in the league in both OPS and MVP voting to Larry Walker. When you add in that Piazza had a noodle-arm, and Mauer is regarded as excellent defensively (not to mention his creepily squeaky-clean off the field reputation) there is little doubt Mauer is currently having the greatest season for a catcher in the history of baseball.
We've shown it's tough to win on a losing team, although it can be done, but we've also shown that Mauer is making history. He will have some obstacles, especially in that his three top rivals for the award either play in the cities that all media love (Youkilis and Texeira) or play on his own team and might steal votes (Morneau) but make no mistake, we are absolutely watching one of the most incredible seasons anyone has put together, and that should be enough for him to win.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
LIVE BLOG ALERT!!!
So here we are on moving day at the PGA. My credential from DWG was denied at the media tent this morning so here I am basking in the glow of the CBS coverage in HD. Times are in central standard.
4:45pm - Harrington just muscled 3wd into a birds nest behind 14, chip and a putt for a share of the lead.
Tiger is the only guy on the front page not under par, makes sense. Still he just looks solid but nothing is falling in the hole.
Does anyone still listen to U2? Bono has become this ultra intense activist, does he still have time for the music?
4:29pm - Soren Kjeldsen, this guy is making everything today. If he putted and Vj hit tee shots and approaches they would be leading by 7 or 8 right now.
Glover drops a shot, he is playing great today, need to take advantage of the downwind holes.
Els has made a bit of a resurgence this week. It is nice to see him playing well again.
4:32 - Tiger seems to be debating the wind on 13.
4:33 - Paddy makes 3, we have a tie at the top!!
5 of the last 6 holes are down wind, a player has to make those chances count.
Nance has been all over Vj today for his lack of putting skills. He is such a Tiger ass kisser, Veej isnt putting well but try to be impartial. I used to love Nance, thought he was the best, now he is just another brown nose who doesn't have his own opinion. Faldo you need to start talking more!
Some Korean not named KJ Choi is playing well today. They mentioned he won this year already in FL, I will take their word for it. Does anyone else find it funny that there are about 150 awesome women golfers from Korea and only like 3 males?
4:39 - Harrington just roasted one on 15, he will get home in two.
The announcers keep saying these greens are fast but they seem spongy and slow. The rough however is starting to look like the neighbor's yard whose house is in foreclosure.
Tigger has 3 feet or so to save par on 13...its in but he was disappointed that there were imperfections in the green.
Paddy is green high in the left bunker on 15, will be a tough one.
4:45 - Els shows the touch of the village smitty running it way past.
Tiger...Drivable par 4...he is unsure a bit, backs away...hoists up a huge cutting driver... runs through the green. Chip and putt for the lead.
Harrington makes par, that is a missed opportunity.
Even money Veej goes to the belly putter tomorrow. He is going to be on the putting green until the grounds crew needs to mow. Personally, I contend that when Vj is putting just ok he and Tiger are on the same plane.
4:54 - Tiger just ran it over the green with his chip. Nance about had a conniption, he is likely sending a investigative unit down now to see if he was interfered with.
Bellied wedge off the green...IN! There is a big roar and fist pump. Tiger to -8.
One thing that does get a little annoying during live sporting events is having to watch the same commercials over and over.
LL Cool J is now acting on TV, huh. Tiger just flew it into the fairway bunker, will need to layup on 15.
5:00 - Yang, dressed in his commie red pants make par at the last for the lowest round of the day.
Ernie just missed a short one. Can someone please just take the reins and not pee down their pants on the last 3 holes?
Why are all the people in the Cialis commercials in separate bathtubs? I have never had the opportunity to sit on the beach in a bathtub with a women, guess that's what you do when you get old and cant get it up.
Its windy out there. Harrington has really played well today. I had a good feeling about Westwood today and being paired with Poulter, I just thought they could feed off each other. I couldn't have been more wrong.
U2 is back. Who gets more trim, Edge or Bono?
Mike vick on 60 Minutes tomorrow. Two things go through my mind. First, 60 Minutes is still on? Does anyone watch? Wouldn't it be funny if they had Andy Rooney interview Vick? "Do you ever wonder why people kill dogs?" "well we will ask mike here what he thinks". it would be classic.
5:09 - Tiger just chunked one from about 60 yards. Will have a tough birdie putt.
Els with another stone hands green side shot. He is leaking oil right now.
Tigger makes par, someone reported that he worked out in a Suburban Minneapolis Health club this week with his wife. Sure would be cool to look up from your protein shake and see Tiger grinding out some hammer curls.
5:16 - Three over on the last three for Els, not the way he wanted to finish.
Looks like it could start to pour at any time out there. Could be a soaker tomorrow.
16 is an unreal hole, the Ryder Cup is here in 7 years. Rees Jones wants to move the tee box to make it a drivable par 4, if they want. He also will be burning off every green and totally replanting and recontouring.
Speaking of 16, Tigger just pulled it into the hay left of the green. Will be a tough up and in.
Big Brother is a very underrated show.
5:25 - Tiger makes a very thick lie on the side of the hill look easy. Book a par.
Harrington just gave it the Tom Watson and airmailed 18.
Ross Fisher is going to be good one day. He needs to get comfortable playing in the big events. he looks scared, like the way cake looks when fat people walk by.
Harrington blows it by. There sure have been a lot of chips going long. They are just getting way better contact than intended out there.
5:32 - starting to rain now.
Harrington make bogey. Will play in the 2nd to last group tomorrow, I know he wanted to be paired with Tiger.
Tiger is a hole behind, get him on the clock!! He is just disgusted with a shot that lands in the middle of the green on 17.
Vj is just getting hammered on his putting, sad. I hope he finds something that works. The guy is so good not to be winning but he never will again if he keeps putting like this.
5:41 - Harrington talks really fast.
No birdies on the 5 pars today for Tigger. That's pretty shocking.
Tiger just hit a beauty within 10 feet, Veej knocks it inside that by about 4 feet. Nance has already given the putt to Tiger and a miss to Veej. They may as well just walk off the green.
Tigger slides it by, here comes the putter throw. No one can get a word in as Nance cannot stop apologizing for Tiger. Vj makes a putt, take that Jim.
The word on the street is that Tiger has yet to sign an autograph. Food for thought.
I am looking forward to tomorrow. I think the set up will be there for the players to score tomorrow, the only question mark will be the weather. If the wind were to shift that may throw a wrench into the works, its been blowing the same direction all week. I have Harrington besting Tiger tomorrow. I just have a feeling, probably will be wrong since i know Tiger is undefeated with the lead in majors after 54 holes but there is a first time for everything.
NF
4:45pm - Harrington just muscled 3wd into a birds nest behind 14, chip and a putt for a share of the lead.
Tiger is the only guy on the front page not under par, makes sense. Still he just looks solid but nothing is falling in the hole.
Does anyone still listen to U2? Bono has become this ultra intense activist, does he still have time for the music?
4:29pm - Soren Kjeldsen, this guy is making everything today. If he putted and Vj hit tee shots and approaches they would be leading by 7 or 8 right now.
Glover drops a shot, he is playing great today, need to take advantage of the downwind holes.
Els has made a bit of a resurgence this week. It is nice to see him playing well again.
4:32 - Tiger seems to be debating the wind on 13.
4:33 - Paddy makes 3, we have a tie at the top!!
5 of the last 6 holes are down wind, a player has to make those chances count.
Nance has been all over Vj today for his lack of putting skills. He is such a Tiger ass kisser, Veej isnt putting well but try to be impartial. I used to love Nance, thought he was the best, now he is just another brown nose who doesn't have his own opinion. Faldo you need to start talking more!
Some Korean not named KJ Choi is playing well today. They mentioned he won this year already in FL, I will take their word for it. Does anyone else find it funny that there are about 150 awesome women golfers from Korea and only like 3 males?
4:39 - Harrington just roasted one on 15, he will get home in two.
The announcers keep saying these greens are fast but they seem spongy and slow. The rough however is starting to look like the neighbor's yard whose house is in foreclosure.
Tigger has 3 feet or so to save par on 13...its in but he was disappointed that there were imperfections in the green.
Paddy is green high in the left bunker on 15, will be a tough one.
4:45 - Els shows the touch of the village smitty running it way past.
Tiger...Drivable par 4...he is unsure a bit, backs away...hoists up a huge cutting driver... runs through the green. Chip and putt for the lead.
Harrington makes par, that is a missed opportunity.
Even money Veej goes to the belly putter tomorrow. He is going to be on the putting green until the grounds crew needs to mow. Personally, I contend that when Vj is putting just ok he and Tiger are on the same plane.
4:54 - Tiger just ran it over the green with his chip. Nance about had a conniption, he is likely sending a investigative unit down now to see if he was interfered with.
Bellied wedge off the green...IN! There is a big roar and fist pump. Tiger to -8.
One thing that does get a little annoying during live sporting events is having to watch the same commercials over and over.
LL Cool J is now acting on TV, huh. Tiger just flew it into the fairway bunker, will need to layup on 15.
5:00 - Yang, dressed in his commie red pants make par at the last for the lowest round of the day.
Ernie just missed a short one. Can someone please just take the reins and not pee down their pants on the last 3 holes?
Why are all the people in the Cialis commercials in separate bathtubs? I have never had the opportunity to sit on the beach in a bathtub with a women, guess that's what you do when you get old and cant get it up.
Its windy out there. Harrington has really played well today. I had a good feeling about Westwood today and being paired with Poulter, I just thought they could feed off each other. I couldn't have been more wrong.
U2 is back. Who gets more trim, Edge or Bono?
Mike vick on 60 Minutes tomorrow. Two things go through my mind. First, 60 Minutes is still on? Does anyone watch? Wouldn't it be funny if they had Andy Rooney interview Vick? "Do you ever wonder why people kill dogs?" "well we will ask mike here what he thinks". it would be classic.
5:09 - Tiger just chunked one from about 60 yards. Will have a tough birdie putt.
Els with another stone hands green side shot. He is leaking oil right now.
Tigger makes par, someone reported that he worked out in a Suburban Minneapolis Health club this week with his wife. Sure would be cool to look up from your protein shake and see Tiger grinding out some hammer curls.
5:16 - Three over on the last three for Els, not the way he wanted to finish.
Looks like it could start to pour at any time out there. Could be a soaker tomorrow.
16 is an unreal hole, the Ryder Cup is here in 7 years. Rees Jones wants to move the tee box to make it a drivable par 4, if they want. He also will be burning off every green and totally replanting and recontouring.
Speaking of 16, Tigger just pulled it into the hay left of the green. Will be a tough up and in.
Big Brother is a very underrated show.
5:25 - Tiger makes a very thick lie on the side of the hill look easy. Book a par.
Harrington just gave it the Tom Watson and airmailed 18.
Ross Fisher is going to be good one day. He needs to get comfortable playing in the big events. he looks scared, like the way cake looks when fat people walk by.
Harrington blows it by. There sure have been a lot of chips going long. They are just getting way better contact than intended out there.
5:32 - starting to rain now.
Harrington make bogey. Will play in the 2nd to last group tomorrow, I know he wanted to be paired with Tiger.
Tiger is a hole behind, get him on the clock!! He is just disgusted with a shot that lands in the middle of the green on 17.
Vj is just getting hammered on his putting, sad. I hope he finds something that works. The guy is so good not to be winning but he never will again if he keeps putting like this.
5:41 - Harrington talks really fast.
No birdies on the 5 pars today for Tigger. That's pretty shocking.
Tiger just hit a beauty within 10 feet, Veej knocks it inside that by about 4 feet. Nance has already given the putt to Tiger and a miss to Veej. They may as well just walk off the green.
Tigger slides it by, here comes the putter throw. No one can get a word in as Nance cannot stop apologizing for Tiger. Vj makes a putt, take that Jim.
The word on the street is that Tiger has yet to sign an autograph. Food for thought.
I am looking forward to tomorrow. I think the set up will be there for the players to score tomorrow, the only question mark will be the weather. If the wind were to shift that may throw a wrench into the works, its been blowing the same direction all week. I have Harrington besting Tiger tomorrow. I just have a feeling, probably will be wrong since i know Tiger is undefeated with the lead in majors after 54 holes but there is a first time for everything.
NF
Thursday, August 13, 2009
SuperGay-tor (Live Movie Blog)
I'm still working my way through all those awesome shark/gator/squid movies from the Sci Fi SyFy marathon a few weeks back, and today I'm taking on yet another one. Today we're going with Supergator, which seems straight forward enough. Your summary, "Geologists encounter a giant alligator while investigating an active volcano in Hawaii." Alligator, huh? I wasn't sure what the creature would be in this one. Good to know.
Of course, this movie has two strikes already. First, it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure.
The second major problem here is the poster. I usually find the movie poster and put it at the top of the post, but I was concerned that after you guys saw it you would stop reading. So here you go:
Yes, I'm serious. No, I don't know why there appears to be a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator on there, but I fear it means that Supergator is a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator. Whatever, let's get going.
- And we open with a couple kissing while lying next to a lagoon with a very pretty waterfall. It's a very idyllic setting, which is how these movies always start, I swear to god. A guy and girl going to get naughty in paradise, the girl gets nervous about a noise or a feeling (which she is doing right now), the guy says, "It's nothing, lets get back to fooling around." Then there is another noise, which they still manage to shrug off, and then everybody gets eaten. In this particular case, the girl says she wants to hold off on the humping until they get back to the hotel. The solution? They go swimming in the lagoon. The same lagoon, mind you, from which noises were eminating that were so discomforting the girl wanted to stop making out. Yet they go swimming. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and it's a shame too, because this girl is one of the most perfect looking females I've ever seen. I predict she'll be doing real movies someday. No visible signs of T-Rexism on the Supergator as of yet. Roll opening credits.
- Holy crap! Kelly McGillis is in this, she of Top Gun fame. She really hasn't aged well. I mean, she's not in Kathleen Turner's level of not aging well, but she's in the upper tier for sure.
- I looked up that hot chick. Her name is Meg Cionni, and although she hasn't done much with her career yet, I'm still predicting big things. Very pretty. In Colbie Smulders league, even.
- We know get to see these geologists and the volcano, both referenced in the summary. So far the movie is not a liar. Of course, we also get this exchange between head geologist and his intern or assistant or whatever:
Head Geologist who looks like the leader of the Cobra Kai: "Well, you're not in Kansas anymore, bonehead."
Assistant who looks like Nick Papageorgio: "That's Mr. Bonehead to you."
Shoot me. Also it turns out those two are father and son.
- Wait, they aren't father and son, Papageorgio just called Cobra Kai guy "Dad" because he was trying to tell him not to have another drink. The plot twists in this movie are too confusing.
- According to old man geologist #2, thus far the volcano is negative for gas emissions. I wish I could say the same.
- Two girls in bikinis are bored sitting by the pool, so they have decided to go hiking to see some waterfall. The same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- Flashback: Cobra Kai lost a grad student assistant last time he expolored a volcano. The grad student fell down a cliff after the rope they were using to cross broke, Cliffhanger style. And some black chick was there too. And now she's on the island for some reason. I think they explained it but I forgot.
- Now two different chicks in very small bikinis with very large breasts are bouncing around by the waterfall while some poneytailed douche with a very bad fake french accent takes their picture. I think they're supposed to be models, I'm not sure, all I know is they have huge boobs. Is this the same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- French guy just got eaten in a spray of horrible special effects. Now the two models arerunning bouncing through the woods, running from the Alligator. Oops, now one model is bouncing through the woods, because the other one tried to take a stand by defending herself with a stick, a kindling type stick, against a Supergator. That's just silly. Still no signs of T-Rexism in our gator.
- Bobby Keppel is really not a very good pitcher.
- And here's Kelly McGillis, sporting Kurt Warner's wife's hairstyle. She looks exactly like how you would picture a typical lesbian gym teacher. Hard to believe this is same person who played Charlie in Top Gun. She was smoking hot then. The years have......not been kind.
- Kelly McGillis and her partner, Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (which is awesome, by the way) are not affiliated with the other group, comprised of Cobra Kai, Nick Papageorgio, Hot chick, and Black Chick.
- Now we're introduced to a group of wannabe frat boy surfers (+ their fat friend) tromping about the wilderness. They sure are giving us a ton of characters here. This can only mean lots of killing. This bodes well.
- Surfer guys are out there to gather some kind of worms which can be ground into a liquid and then when drank will erase the effects of alcohol. I don't know, I didn't write it.
- Ok, so Kelly McGillis is the one who created the Supergaytor. She created it using DNA extracted from the jaw bone of a Phobozucus (a fake made up extinct species), and implanted into an alligator embryo. Once again, I don't know, I didn't write this.
- Bill Bob gives McGillis the whole Ian Malcolm speech from Jurassic Park about messing with nature and the species time had run it's course on earth and playing god and blah blah blah. I just want to see Supergator take on Krocodylus.
- I just searched for this movie on IMDB, and guess what? There's another one coming out, called Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and it's in post production which means it will probably hit TV in the next six months. I'm super stoked.
- By the by, I Love you Man is an oustanding movie, which I'm guessing you already knew from the trailer. But just in case you weren't sure, I thought I'd let you know that it really is very, very good. It's like the opposite of this crap. I mean, way less Alligators and stuff, but still a way better movie.
- That movie also totally puts me in the mood for Rush. I think I downloaded like ten Rush songs off I-tunes right after we watched it. I also downloaded a bunch of Public Enemy, so who knows.
- That chick in the pink bikini is still bouncing around in her thong. And she just ran into those two other bikini non-model chicks. Maybe they'll all make out.
- Ugh. Pink bikini model is totally cock blocking everybody by bitching about something about some giant alligator. I'm not even paying attention anymore, this chick has an awesome rack. I don't even remember what this movie is about.
- oh right. A giant alligator that just ate those two stuck up bitches who wouldn't make out with that hot chick and were all like, wearing clothes and stuff. Serves you right, your majesty.
- Vick to the Eagles, huh? I'm struggling to come up an kind of opinion here. It seems I care even less than I thought I did.
- Black chick from the Cobra Kai group just found a severed arm of one of them cockblocking ladies, and just then Top Gun lady and Billy Bob Thornton show up to try to scare them away. Billy Bob tries to use threats and a gun. If they really wanted to get rid of them, they really just should have had Top Gun lady make the "Large Marge" face.
- Our neighbors had to use our driveway for a couple of days (it's a long story) and as thanks they gave us a $25 gift card to Olive Garden. A $25 gift card is awesome, but does it really count as a gift if it's to the Nickelback of restaurants?
- Oh, there's a good view of Supergator finally. He's eating the surfer guys who were going to get all rich from their anti-alcohol thing. He's definitely got some T-Rex characteristics going on. At this point though, that might be the only thing that can save this movie. He reminds me a lot of Tokka from TMNT:
But more alligatory and T-Rexy and less snapping turtley and humany. So really, I guess, they aren't very similar. But at least I proved I'm a total dork.
- Ah crap. Now the gator ate the hot bouncy chick (and the fat nerd guy). So no more boobs. There's still some hot chick on the Cobra kai team, but she hasn't shown any inclination to take her top off in any way. And can I just say here that the death scenes in this flick are quite lackluster? When the thing ate the chick and that fat guy, it showed the gator, then showed those two asshats screaming, and then the gator going in, and then scene ends. How is that cool? It's like Jap porn where they fuzz out all the good parts. There's no payoff.
- I don't know what happened, but the Cobra Kai team and the lesbian top gun girl team are now together. Lezzy is trying to find the Supergator, and the Cobra Kais are doing volcano research, as well as looking for opportunities to sweep the leg.
- I also just realized that this movie is going to end with the supergator falling into the volcano. I'd bet money.
- Papageorgio just got eated by the gator. The scene was basically the kid screaming, shaky camera work consisting of extreme close ups, and liberal amounts of ketchup. To say this movie has been a disappointment is like saying Delmon Young hasn't lived up to his potential.
- So this is pretty fucked up right here. Jeremy Tyler, a five star forward in the class of 2010 recruited by Louisville and UCLA has decided to skip his senior year of high school to go play hoops in Israel for $140,000 next season. It will be very interesting to see how this works out. Clearly he's mortgaging his future and banking on making a living in basketball, forsaking an education. On the other hand, $140,000 is about what I make every two months, so hey, good for this freaking idiot. Godspeed kid, godspeed.
- I love movies where volcanic activity is a major plot point but then there isn't any volcanic activity the entire movie until the part where they get to the top of the volcano and then there is volcanic activy like crazy. They should make a movie about this. They could call it, "Volcano."
- Dude that gator just ate the crap out of that black chick. I bet she tasted like fried chicken and watermelon. On the bright side, that one hot stuck up chick I mentioned earlier went in the water to try to save her and her shirt got unbuttoned somehow and she's all wet t-shirtish now. So that's happening.
- Wait, that black chick is still alive. Now I have to figure out who just got eaten, and I don't want to rewind because, much like the KKK, I just want my long national nightmare to be over. I haven't seen kelly mcGillis in a while, thank god, so I think maybe she got eaten, thank god.
- Billy Bob drops a "I bet you didn't expect we'd be the endangered species" line. This movie is pretty much mad libs at this point.
- Gator just ate some random fisherman who we just met. As much as I love a movie that keeps introducing characters just so they can die, you kind of undermine your whole goal when your death scene consists of alternating scenes of the fisherman running and a camera panning as if it was running, culminating in one frame of gore-free computer animated attacking. Weak. So weak. Glen Perkins fastball-weak.
- I think Dawson Leary just got eaten. I have no idea where this character came from. This movie is like Nick Blackburn at the 140 inning mark.
- Hot chick died in what I think was supposed to be a graphic scene but really just showed her with ketchup on her face. I think we have cobra kai guy, black chick, and billy bob thornton left alive. Plus whatever random characters they decide to toss in here.
- You know, Cobra Kai guy looks a lot more like Tom Berenger in Major League. I really dropped the ball on that one. Is it too late to start calling him Jake Taylor?
- Here's the scene ripped from jaws where black chick tells resort owner to cancel the Luau because some giant freak gator mutant is coming down the river and he says "but it's the biggest party of the year and we make all our money and shit." Only 17 minutes left. I think I'll watch the rest on x2 speed.
- Some awesome hot blonde with porcelain skin and a great rack who might have been perfect just got eaten in one of the worst death scenes ever. God the effects in this look like computer animation from 1991. I think they just gave the job to the closest intern they could find who would work for free. This is more embarrassing than what most people think Saved by the Bell is even though it is not it is awesome and I still watch it whenever I can and own every episode on DVD.
- Luau still going foward (no word on if the pupuku are involved), but Supergaytor crashes and eats some fat hawaiians. Apparently this volcanic eruption has pushed the gator away from it's super happy home and down into the mainland or whatever you call it. And it's pissed and keeps eating people, with seemingly a preference for hot blondes - there goes another one. RIP.
- They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo!
- Well they just shot gator with like 8,000 rounds and it didn't even matter because that dude just bit Billy Bob's head off. I'm no hunter, and maybe Snake can chime in here, but that seems like a lot of bullets to not kill something. Oh but it's ok because instead Jake Taylor shot a "volcanic vent" which created a plume of lava and fire and it made the gator blow up. Shit, I don't know. I didn't write this.
- FYI - that gator never looked at all like that movie poster. Total false advertising.
- Well that was pretty god damned terrible. As far as terrible movies go, that one is right up there with the worst ever. I'd even say it might have been worse than Jaws 4, except I know that's not possible. Ugh. I stil have something called "Croc" on my Tivo, so hopefully that goes a bit better.
Of course, this movie has two strikes already. First, it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure.
The second major problem here is the poster. I usually find the movie poster and put it at the top of the post, but I was concerned that after you guys saw it you would stop reading. So here you go:
Yes, I'm serious. No, I don't know why there appears to be a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator on there, but I fear it means that Supergator is a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator. Whatever, let's get going.
- And we open with a couple kissing while lying next to a lagoon with a very pretty waterfall. It's a very idyllic setting, which is how these movies always start, I swear to god. A guy and girl going to get naughty in paradise, the girl gets nervous about a noise or a feeling (which she is doing right now), the guy says, "It's nothing, lets get back to fooling around." Then there is another noise, which they still manage to shrug off, and then everybody gets eaten. In this particular case, the girl says she wants to hold off on the humping until they get back to the hotel. The solution? They go swimming in the lagoon. The same lagoon, mind you, from which noises were eminating that were so discomforting the girl wanted to stop making out. Yet they go swimming. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and it's a shame too, because this girl is one of the most perfect looking females I've ever seen. I predict she'll be doing real movies someday. No visible signs of T-Rexism on the Supergator as of yet. Roll opening credits.
- Holy crap! Kelly McGillis is in this, she of Top Gun fame. She really hasn't aged well. I mean, she's not in Kathleen Turner's level of not aging well, but she's in the upper tier for sure.
- I looked up that hot chick. Her name is Meg Cionni, and although she hasn't done much with her career yet, I'm still predicting big things. Very pretty. In Colbie Smulders league, even.
- We know get to see these geologists and the volcano, both referenced in the summary. So far the movie is not a liar. Of course, we also get this exchange between head geologist and his intern or assistant or whatever:
Head Geologist who looks like the leader of the Cobra Kai: "Well, you're not in Kansas anymore, bonehead."
Assistant who looks like Nick Papageorgio: "That's Mr. Bonehead to you."
Shoot me. Also it turns out those two are father and son.
- Wait, they aren't father and son, Papageorgio just called Cobra Kai guy "Dad" because he was trying to tell him not to have another drink. The plot twists in this movie are too confusing.
- According to old man geologist #2, thus far the volcano is negative for gas emissions. I wish I could say the same.
- Two girls in bikinis are bored sitting by the pool, so they have decided to go hiking to see some waterfall. The same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- Flashback: Cobra Kai lost a grad student assistant last time he expolored a volcano. The grad student fell down a cliff after the rope they were using to cross broke, Cliffhanger style. And some black chick was there too. And now she's on the island for some reason. I think they explained it but I forgot.
- Now two different chicks in very small bikinis with very large breasts are bouncing around by the waterfall while some poneytailed douche with a very bad fake french accent takes their picture. I think they're supposed to be models, I'm not sure, all I know is they have huge boobs. Is this the same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- French guy just got eaten in a spray of horrible special effects. Now the two models are
- Bobby Keppel is really not a very good pitcher.
- And here's Kelly McGillis, sporting Kurt Warner's wife's hairstyle. She looks exactly like how you would picture a typical lesbian gym teacher. Hard to believe this is same person who played Charlie in Top Gun. She was smoking hot then. The years have......not been kind.
- Kelly McGillis and her partner, Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (which is awesome, by the way) are not affiliated with the other group, comprised of Cobra Kai, Nick Papageorgio, Hot chick, and Black Chick.
- Now we're introduced to a group of wannabe frat boy surfers (+ their fat friend) tromping about the wilderness. They sure are giving us a ton of characters here. This can only mean lots of killing. This bodes well.
- Surfer guys are out there to gather some kind of worms which can be ground into a liquid and then when drank will erase the effects of alcohol. I don't know, I didn't write it.
- Ok, so Kelly McGillis is the one who created the Supergaytor. She created it using DNA extracted from the jaw bone of a Phobozucus (a fake made up extinct species), and implanted into an alligator embryo. Once again, I don't know, I didn't write this.
- Bill Bob gives McGillis the whole Ian Malcolm speech from Jurassic Park about messing with nature and the species time had run it's course on earth and playing god and blah blah blah. I just want to see Supergator take on Krocodylus.
- I just searched for this movie on IMDB, and guess what? There's another one coming out, called Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and it's in post production which means it will probably hit TV in the next six months. I'm super stoked.
- By the by, I Love you Man is an oustanding movie, which I'm guessing you already knew from the trailer. But just in case you weren't sure, I thought I'd let you know that it really is very, very good. It's like the opposite of this crap. I mean, way less Alligators and stuff, but still a way better movie.
- That movie also totally puts me in the mood for Rush. I think I downloaded like ten Rush songs off I-tunes right after we watched it. I also downloaded a bunch of Public Enemy, so who knows.
- That chick in the pink bikini is still bouncing around in her thong. And she just ran into those two other bikini non-model chicks. Maybe they'll all make out.
- Ugh. Pink bikini model is totally cock blocking everybody by bitching about something about some giant alligator. I'm not even paying attention anymore, this chick has an awesome rack. I don't even remember what this movie is about.
- oh right. A giant alligator that just ate those two stuck up bitches who wouldn't make out with that hot chick and were all like, wearing clothes and stuff. Serves you right, your majesty.
- Vick to the Eagles, huh? I'm struggling to come up an kind of opinion here. It seems I care even less than I thought I did.
- Black chick from the Cobra Kai group just found a severed arm of one of them cockblocking ladies, and just then Top Gun lady and Billy Bob Thornton show up to try to scare them away. Billy Bob tries to use threats and a gun. If they really wanted to get rid of them, they really just should have had Top Gun lady make the "Large Marge" face.
- Our neighbors had to use our driveway for a couple of days (it's a long story) and as thanks they gave us a $25 gift card to Olive Garden. A $25 gift card is awesome, but does it really count as a gift if it's to the Nickelback of restaurants?
- Oh, there's a good view of Supergator finally. He's eating the surfer guys who were going to get all rich from their anti-alcohol thing. He's definitely got some T-Rex characteristics going on. At this point though, that might be the only thing that can save this movie. He reminds me a lot of Tokka from TMNT:
But more alligatory and T-Rexy and less snapping turtley and humany. So really, I guess, they aren't very similar. But at least I proved I'm a total dork.- Ah crap. Now the gator ate the hot bouncy chick (and the fat nerd guy). So no more boobs. There's still some hot chick on the Cobra kai team, but she hasn't shown any inclination to take her top off in any way. And can I just say here that the death scenes in this flick are quite lackluster? When the thing ate the chick and that fat guy, it showed the gator, then showed those two asshats screaming, and then the gator going in, and then scene ends. How is that cool? It's like Jap porn where they fuzz out all the good parts. There's no payoff.
- I don't know what happened, but the Cobra Kai team and the lesbian top gun girl team are now together. Lezzy is trying to find the Supergator, and the Cobra Kais are doing volcano research, as well as looking for opportunities to sweep the leg.
- I also just realized that this movie is going to end with the supergator falling into the volcano. I'd bet money.
- Papageorgio just got eated by the gator. The scene was basically the kid screaming, shaky camera work consisting of extreme close ups, and liberal amounts of ketchup. To say this movie has been a disappointment is like saying Delmon Young hasn't lived up to his potential.
- So this is pretty fucked up right here. Jeremy Tyler, a five star forward in the class of 2010 recruited by Louisville and UCLA has decided to skip his senior year of high school to go play hoops in Israel for $140,000 next season. It will be very interesting to see how this works out. Clearly he's mortgaging his future and banking on making a living in basketball, forsaking an education. On the other hand, $140,000 is about what I make every two months, so hey, good for this freaking idiot. Godspeed kid, godspeed.
- I love movies where volcanic activity is a major plot point but then there isn't any volcanic activity the entire movie until the part where they get to the top of the volcano and then there is volcanic activy like crazy. They should make a movie about this. They could call it, "Volcano."
- Dude that gator just ate the crap out of that black chick. I bet she tasted like fried chicken and watermelon. On the bright side, that one hot stuck up chick I mentioned earlier went in the water to try to save her and her shirt got unbuttoned somehow and she's all wet t-shirtish now. So that's happening.
- Wait, that black chick is still alive. Now I have to figure out who just got eaten, and I don't want to rewind because, much like the KKK, I just want my long national nightmare to be over. I haven't seen kelly mcGillis in a while, thank god, so I think maybe she got eaten, thank god.
- Billy Bob drops a "I bet you didn't expect we'd be the endangered species" line. This movie is pretty much mad libs at this point.
- Gator just ate some random fisherman who we just met. As much as I love a movie that keeps introducing characters just so they can die, you kind of undermine your whole goal when your death scene consists of alternating scenes of the fisherman running and a camera panning as if it was running, culminating in one frame of gore-free computer animated attacking. Weak. So weak. Glen Perkins fastball-weak.
- I think Dawson Leary just got eaten. I have no idea where this character came from. This movie is like Nick Blackburn at the 140 inning mark.
- Hot chick died in what I think was supposed to be a graphic scene but really just showed her with ketchup on her face. I think we have cobra kai guy, black chick, and billy bob thornton left alive. Plus whatever random characters they decide to toss in here.
- You know, Cobra Kai guy looks a lot more like Tom Berenger in Major League. I really dropped the ball on that one. Is it too late to start calling him Jake Taylor?
- Here's the scene ripped from jaws where black chick tells resort owner to cancel the Luau because some giant freak gator mutant is coming down the river and he says "but it's the biggest party of the year and we make all our money and shit." Only 17 minutes left. I think I'll watch the rest on x2 speed.
- Some awesome hot blonde with porcelain skin and a great rack who might have been perfect just got eaten in one of the worst death scenes ever. God the effects in this look like computer animation from 1991. I think they just gave the job to the closest intern they could find who would work for free. This is more embarrassing than what most people think Saved by the Bell is even though it is not it is awesome and I still watch it whenever I can and own every episode on DVD.
- Luau still going foward (no word on if the pupuku are involved), but Supergaytor crashes and eats some fat hawaiians. Apparently this volcanic eruption has pushed the gator away from it's super happy home and down into the mainland or whatever you call it. And it's pissed and keeps eating people, with seemingly a preference for hot blondes - there goes another one. RIP.
- They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo!
- Well they just shot gator with like 8,000 rounds and it didn't even matter because that dude just bit Billy Bob's head off. I'm no hunter, and maybe Snake can chime in here, but that seems like a lot of bullets to not kill something. Oh but it's ok because instead Jake Taylor shot a "volcanic vent" which created a plume of lava and fire and it made the gator blow up. Shit, I don't know. I didn't write this.
- FYI - that gator never looked at all like that movie poster. Total false advertising.
- Well that was pretty god damned terrible. As far as terrible movies go, that one is right up there with the worst ever. I'd even say it might have been worse than Jaws 4, except I know that's not possible. Ugh. I stil have something called "Croc" on my Tivo, so hopefully that goes a bit better.
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