Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.4.2010

1. Looks like somebody's sick of not being the lead on Sportscenter.  You are no doubt aware of this already, but the Pete Rose of football, Brett Favre, decided to make his retirement/non-retirement a story again, this time texting teammates the phrase "this is it" which somehow has been taken to mean he is retiring, despite the fact that I can think of a million other things that phrase could be referring to.  Of course, this is the kind of thing you'd think could be easily clarified with a statement, but naturally Debbie Drama has kept silent on the issue.

It's freaking unbelievable.  Every year.  There were times I thought it might be a media obsession that created this circus every year, but it really is Favre.  He completely creates this every where he goes.  He's not the down home of the farm good ole boy, he's Paris Hilton.  Seriously he makes Lindsay Lohan look shy and Spencer Pratt look media savvy.  I'm ready to say good riddance to Captain Look-at-Me.  Except that with him they are a Super Bowl contender, without they are a borderline playoff team, so I'll put up with it and then welcome him back with open arms.  Oh my god I think I have battered wife syndrome.

2.  Well Matt Guerrier certainly lit that candle, didn't he?  I know I overreact to every loss.  I admit it, and if I continue to write daily you'll see it as I write about each Twins game, but isn't it disheartening to see them just fail against good teams again and again?  I mean, they had opportunity after opportunity to take control of that game and let them all pass by.  When they finally manage to tie the game on a big and unlikely HR by Butera, Guerrier comes in and gives us one of the ugliest relief outings you'll ever see to give the game away.  I'm not suggesting they can't win the division, being just 1.5 back of a very flawed Chicago teams means you're just another streak away from first, and they have the schedule where they could do it, but I am suggesting they have no shot in the playoffs to do anything other than fade away.  Again.

When Morneau is back things could change, he's that good, but day by day this thing gets curiouser and curiouser.  Perhaps most telling is the fact that Morneau seems to have gone into hiding.  Maybe he has a huge lump on his head and he's embarrassed.  Maybe he actually had an eyeball fall out when he got kneed.  Or maybe things are really, truly bad up in his noggin.  Like, really bad.  I certainly hope not, because that would be a tragedy not just in the sports world but in the world world as well, but the comparisons to what happened to Corey Koskie are feeling more and more disturbingly apt. 

3.  I should probably update you on this.  Since I talked yesterday about super phenom Carlos Santana getting run over at the plate and destroying his leg the day after I traded for him, you will probably be happy to hear the news that it ended up being just a knee sprain and Santana is now on the 15-day disabled list.  Based on how bad that play looked, this is beyond good news for the Indians.  Now he should be able to be back in time to shred Twins' pitching and knock them out of the playoffs.

4.  What year is this, 2003?  The Boston Celtics are about to sign Shaquille O'Neal.  Seriously.  You would have thought it near impossible for this team to get older, but it looks like they have done it.  Seriously though, they easily have the best team of 2003.  KG finished second in the MVP voting with Shaq finishing fifth and both were All-NBA first teamers and on the all-defensive team.  Paul Pierce was third team All-NBA and was 13th in MVP balloting, with Jermaine O'Neal joining him on that all-NBA third team.  Ray Allen was merely an all-star and won the Sportsmanship Award (wait, the what?).  All they need to do is fill out their roster with the available Tracy McGrady (4th in MVP voting) and Allen Iverson (6th) and they would dominate.  All they'd need is a time machine.  Or a Hot Tub and an illegal Russian energy drink.  Or even a Delorean and some plutonium.   1.21 Gigawatts!

5.  Suck it, Chicago.  When the White Sox were unable to consummate an Adam Dunn deal, despite committing self-rape in acquiring Edwin Jackson, their hope was that he would slip through waivers and they could claim him, at which point they could then work out a trade to acquire the services of the big donkey.  The Nationals didn't waste any time according to reports, putting Dunn on waivers today, however it doesn't look like Chicago will get a crack at him.  According to analysts there's is essentially no way Dunn will slip past both the Rockies and Giants, and since a waived player has to pass through his own league before the teams in the other get a chance, it looks like the Sox will just have to sit there with a limp wiener, the saddest kind of wiener.  (and if you aren't a nerd like me and don't quite understand all this waiver stuff, here is a very excellent primer from excellent Twins' blog Twinkie Town). 

6.  Maybe this is why Favre is retiring again.  According to reports, Donkey Kong Sue will sign with the Lions at some point today, putting his name to a contract worth $60 million over five years, with $40 million of that guaranteed.  Nice.  He did miss four days of practice and whoever the Lions new coach is (Jim Schwartz is his name.  Seriously.  Just go with Jim Shorts already) is all twisted up about the "missed opportunities" or whatever.  Relax Mr. Shorts, I think he'll be ok.  As noted poet and wordsmith Allen Iverson once said, "I know it’s important, I honestly do but we’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice man. We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice."  Preach on, brother!

Weekend Review

[Sorry this is being posted so late. I had the whole thing typed out and then the internet connection at the NWA lounge crapped out on me before I could post it. At least I'm in Whore-lando now. My hotel room (or, Villa, more accurately) is bigger than my house.]

I'm writing this from the awesome lounge at the airport for awesome people, mostly because I'm so awesome, so I don't know exactly how far I'll get before I have to head to the gate. Be sure to check out the post below this for the first ever live hockey blog on DWG, written by hockey gurus Optimator and The Todd (no, that's not him pictured above. Looks just like him though). Excellent work, despite what a certain anonymous commenter might think. Anyway.......

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Gophers Hoops. Ok, awesome seems a bit strong, but another win over a less than awful team, this time beating NDSU 90-76, has me feeling pretty good about the team. Shamala put up a 20 spot, continuing to show his ability to dominate slow white guys, but I’m more impressed with the completely emotionless Ralph Sampson. The Third put up 12 points, six rebounds, and 3 blocks and was pretty much the catalyst for the second half run to put the game away. So far I’ve been impressed by Sampson, Iverson, Joseph, and even Carter; still waiting on Bostick. The team overall has looked solid, and although the wins over Georgia State, Bowling Green, @ Colorado State, and NDSU don’t register officially on the “quality wins” scale, I certainly consider them good wins. This week we are going to learn a lot more about this team, with games vs. Virginia and Cornell, probably the two toughest non-conference games other than Louisville.

2. Syracuse Hoops. There were a whole mess of tournaments this weekend all during Thanksgiving week, and thus a whole lot of winners. One of the first winners, with their tournament wrapping up pre-Turkey day, was the Syracuse Orange, winners of the CBE Classic in Kansas City. Knocking off two ranked teams, #18 Florida and #22 Kansas, has taken the Cuse from Big East Middle-of-the-packer to a team that will make some noise in March. And why not? Onuaku is a beast in the paint, Paul Harris can do it all, and Jonny Flynn is one of the top point guards in the country. That’s not even mentioning Eric Devendorf, who has looked bad but is coming off an injury that has caused him to miss all of last season. If the Cuse are beating teams now, wait until he gets his basketball ability back and their freshman continue to develop. Very, very good team.

3. UTEP Hoops. I know, right, it’s like, “what?” but the Miners have looked a little bit frisky this season. They certainly aren’t going to challenge Memphis for the C-USA crown, but they might be a little bit of an NCAA dark horse bubble contender. They are just 3-3 right now, but one of those wins is a very impressive 75-62 win over St. Mary’s on Thanksgiving. They also had a near miss with a 82-79 loss to Wake Forest. Their two excellent guards, Randy Culpepper and Stefon Jackson both average over 19 points per game and can take over when need be. I’m not saying they are a lock for the tournament, especially after getting trounced by Arizona State on Sunday, but keep this team in the back of your head.

4. Baylor hoops. I told you all Baylor was going to be awesome this year, and they proved me right. It takes a bit of the shine off their weekend with their loss to a surprisingly stellar Wake Forest squad in the championship of the 76 classic, but it was still a very successful weekend. A big win over Providence in the opening round and a very nice victory over Arizona State in the semifinals have them going in the right direction. They are very dangerous, with four guys averaging over 12 points and two more at 8 or better. Guard oriented to be sure, and that will help in the tournament, but a big key for this team will be the play of freshman forward Quincy Acy. With Kevin Rogers being their only major contributor over 6-4, the 6-7 Acy will need to keep up his high level of play to make the Bears more than just a tournament team and turn them into a real contender. He's averaging 9 points and 5 boards per game thus far, but has struggled to make much of an impact against the better teams. Baylor heads to Washington State to play on Saturday, and how they handle the size of Aron Baynes, Daven Harmeling, and Klay Thompson will be a good indicator if they will be able to handle the size of some of the guys they will face in conference play.

5. Bogart. The legend himself was in town for thanksgiving, and we had a great ole time. He brought Mrs. Bogart with him, who is expecting a little Bogart in May, and she managed to grab a picture with the man Spencer Tollackson (as seen above). Not quite as exciting as meeting Rick Rickert, but close. He also deserves mention for helping me come up with the best bit ever about Ralph Sampson III. Notice how he never, ever shows emotion or even seems to have his heart rate raise above average? Just imagine that he always reacts to everything with that same lack of emotion, and responds in a slow motion, monotone, eeyore voice. I know this makes more sense when you can hear it instead of read it, but bear with me because it’s funny. So, like, as Snake says he will be an All American after his junior year, and they call him and say “Ralph, you’re an all-american!” and he would respond, “Ok” in that monotone, slow voice. Then picture us all laughing like retards. Trust me, it’s funny. Also, back to Bogart, it was cool on Wednesday night when you made the drive over to my neck of the woods to hang, much appreciated, particularly because I didn't really want to do anything that night, and you talked me into it. Great night, great fun had by all. I don't think Oakdale will ever be the same. See you in Chi-town in two weeks.


WHO SUCKED

1. Detroit Lions. Worst loss in Thanksgiving history, and the path is well and laid for a 0-16 season. I know there are some out there who root for a winless season, such as epic douche Jim Rome, but not me. I’d love to see the poor, hapless Lions win a game, I just don’t know when it could happen. The lost their starting QB, and their backup, and their backups backup, and when Culpepper went out on Thursday they were reduced to Drew Henson. Remember him? Former three sport All-Stater in high school, started at QB for Michigan and was drafted by the Yankees. Played a few years in the minors and managed all of 8 major league at bats before calling it quits and deciding to suck in the NFL instead. I don’t think there’s a guy out there whose career ended up as far away as from what I expected as Henson. The bright side here though, is that the Lions are a virtual lock to beat the Vikings in a few weeks for their first win.

2. Siena. It’s not that they necessarily suck, but they definitely squandered a golden opportunity at the Old Spice Classic this weekend, going 0-3 and killing any slim hopes they had of picking up an at-large bid if they don’t win the MAAC. Asking the Saints to beat Tennessee was probably a bit much, but a loss to Wichita State is something that shouldn’t happen to a team that made the sweet 16 last year and had pretty much their whole team back this season, and Oklahoma State was definitely beatable on Sunday. Siena will still have an opportunity to get a marquee win with games at Pitt and at Kansas, but those teams might be out of the Saints’ league. They will probably still win the MAAC, but now will likely have to win the conference tournament in order to make the Big Dance, where a quality win this weekend would have gone a long way towards helping build their profile.

3. Louisville Hoops. I’m a Louisville guy. I’m a big Pitino guy, and always have been, but the Cards laid an absolute stinker out there Sunday against Western Kentucky, losing 68-54. What’s even worse is the game was in Louisville, and they still couldn’t muster up a better effort. The Cardinals shot just 28% for the game, lowlighted by point guards Edgar Sosa and Terence McGee going a combined 0-13. All those missed shots led to a lot of rebounds, and specifically a lot of rebounds for the Hilltoppers, who ended up with a 48-34 edge on the boards. The Hilltoppers aren’t awful, but they did lose Courtney Lee and 60 percent of their scoring from last year’s sweet 16 team, and shouldn’t have been able to even hang around with the Cards, much less beat them. Consider this slightly worrisome.

4. Buffalo Bills. I was informed that when a west coast team, in this case the less than mediocre 49ers, traveled east and played the noon game that they always play poorly. In fact, I was told that the Bills -6.5 was easy money. Not so. The 49ers may indeed have played poorly, but the playoff hopeful Bills played even worse, mustering all of three points against a very bad defense. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, considering they only turned it over once and Marshawn Lynch had 134 rushing yards (they outgained the niners overall 350-195) but I'm guessing it was really ugly. Like your sister. Rian Lindell's two missed field goals certainly didn't help.

5. Pat Reusse. I’ve gone after the retard before, but when he posts articles like this garbage I can't help myself. I won’t get into a whole Fire Joe Morgan style rundown again, but if you read the article his main gripe is that the non-conference home schedule sucks, outside of the Virginia game. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Reusse makes shit up pretty much constantly, and rarely, if ever, does any research. If you want a schedule similar to the ones teams like Michigan State or Duke play, you’re a retard. Will that come in time? Yes, assuming the program continues to improve, but at this point it would be counter-productive. Why would you want to trot a team that is counting on five new comers for major minutes and have them play a top 25 type schedule? It’s asinine. It’s worse that that, it’s unfathomable the depth of stupidity it would take to write this article. Ignoring for a moment the ridiculousness of dismissing the Lousville game because it’s not at Williams, how about I take, oh, about two minutes to look at the non-Virginia non-conference games? Concordia – cupcake, but traditional type of season opening opponent. Bowling Green – Upper division MAC team. Georgia State – Middle of the road Colonial team. Eastern Washington – bad. NDSU – favorite to win the Summit Conference. Cornell – favorite to win the Ivy. South Dakota State – bad. SE Louisiana – bad. High Point – upper division Big South team. So is it awesome? No, it’s not an overly tough schedule, but if you know college basketball – at all – you can see there are some pretty decent teams in this group. Just because there are no “name teams” retards like Reusse are going to sit and bitch like the uninformed dorks that they are. There's other bitching in here too, mainly about recruiting kids from Minnesota and how he hates games that aren't on Saturdays, but it makes less sense than the rest. Yet another reason why I miss Barreiro so much. Sure, he bitched, but he did it well, he did it in the right spots, he was generally informed about what his subject was, and he could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. This makes me so mad. Luckily I have to stop now and get on a plane to go to Orlando (work, not pleasure) otherwise I could write about this for hours.

I'll holler at you later, probably with a few beers in me.

Weekend Review

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Texas Tech. I mentioned last week that I was curious to find out if the whole run and gun by Texas Tech was a mirage or if they were a legit title contender, and Saturday’s win over #1 Texas showed that they are definitely worth mentioning. I think both of the teams I’m going to talk about right after this are better than they are, but a win over the #1 ranked team in the country is still a huge win, even if they play like crap and still almost beat you. A semi-miraculous dropped interception by Texas following a complete Tech collapse gave them new life, and Graham Harrell took advantage hitting Michael Crabtree, who is an absolute monster, for a TD to give the Red Raiders a 39-33 win, and probably jumping them up to #3 in the polls.

2. USC. Lest you thought an early season loss to Oregon State would knock the Trojans out of national title contention, they have done more than enough the last few weeks to serve notice that they are very much one of the top teams in the country. The beat up on Washington this week, winning 56-0 after leading 42-0 at halftime, just two weeks after thumping Washington State 69-0 after a 41-0 start by half. In between those games they travelled to 5-2 Arizona and knocked off the Wildcats 17-10. I don’t know if the defenses in the Pac 10 are just terrible or if Mark Sanchez is really that good, but he’s been carving people up this season, to the tune of 15 TDs vs. 5 INTs (3 in one game) in Pac play. The Trojans may very well be the best team in college football right now.

3. Florida. If it isn’t USC, it may very well be the Gators. Currently ranked 5th, they made a statement in a very big way, going into Georgia to face the #8 Bulldogs and walking out with a 49-10 victory that was only that close because of a garbage touchdown Georgia scored late. I’m not entirely certain what to make of Tim Tebow. Obviously with his size, strength, and speed he can dominate a game, and is pretty much a TD machine, like against Georgia this weekend he rushed for three scores and passed for two more. I’m just not sure what’s going to happen NFL-wise. In any case, with this win over Georgia and a 51-21 massacre over #4 at the time LSU, the Gators have a good argument that they are the #1 team in the land.

4. Bernard Berrian? I'm really kind of unsure about this one. On the one hand, he's scored in four straight games and made a couple of really, really nice catches yesterday. On the other hand, he had one ball where he was in the corner of the end zone and seemed to have no clue where he was and didn't get his feet in bounds, and he had another one where he pulled an Eric Decker and let it go right through his hands straight to a defender. But still, four straight games with a TD? We'll put him here for now.

5. College Basketball. No, not this weekend, but everything kicks off tonight, baby, and I couldn't be more excited. Sure, it's exhibition ball, but it will be nice to see some college hoops highlights on sportscenter and get away from the constant barrage of homoerotica that is football.

WHO SUCKED

1. Gopher Football. Some things never change, right? Despite a hugely successful season thus far, it’s not even surprising that the Gophers lost on an interception return for a TD with 12 seconds left in a tie game on a ball that was perfectly thrown to the Big Ten’s leading receiver who let it go right through his hands, off a defender’s facemask, and into another defender’s hands. I figured there was no way they were going 11-1 and their lofty ranking was a bit of a mirage, but when you lose at least lose at Wisconsin or to Iowa, this was embarrassing. They had plenty of opportunities to win this game, but a stagnant offense and the inability to stop backup Northwestern QB Mike Kafka, who underwent a metamorphosis (note the awkward literary joke here) into Tim Tebow for the afternoon. This doesn’t exactly ruin the season or anything, since you’d pretty much have to be delusional to think they were BCS bound, but it just announces that things are pretty much status quo with Minnesota football. Thank god basketball starts today.

2. South Florida. What a weird team to figure out. Two seasons ago they kind of made their “We have arrived” statement by knocking off #7 West Virginia at West Virginia the last game of the season, then won the Papajohns.com bowl behind super awesome do it all quarterback Matt Grothe. Then last season, they come out of the gates on fire, starting off 6-0 including wins over #17 Auburn and #5 West Virginia, and ended up ranked all the way to #5. Immediately after they completely imploded, losing three in a row to Rutgers, UCONN, and Cincinnati and ended up in the Sun Bowl instead of anything meaningful, where they got crushed by Oregon. This year, they once again started off on fire, going 5-0 with a win over #13 Kansas and getting them ranked tenth. Same pattern held, as they have now dropped three out of the last four to inferior competition, culminating in Thursday nights embarrassing loss to Cincinnati (not technically the weekend but whatever). Once again the Bulls find themselves heading towards some insignificant bowl rather than anything even within sniffing distance of the BCS games. Grothe is a junior at this point, so they have one more chance to get it right.

3. Michigan. It’s not exactly breaking news here that Michigan football sucks this season, but since they lost to Purdue Saturday that guarantees them a losing season, which warrants mentioning. The 48-42 loss, on a sweet hook-and-ladder play, drops the Wolverines to 2-7 overall, meaning they will end up finishing under .500 and will not be playing in a bowl game for the first time in the last 34 seasons. My, how the mighty have fallen. Between the collapse of the football program and the total suckitude of the basketball team since the Fab Five left has their ever been an athletic program in such a free fall? Granted, Indiana basketball is on it’s way, but for now, the Wolverines need to be considered as the biggest collapse in the history of the world, at least since the Gophers/Texas Tech bowl game. At least Brandon Minor looks pretty good.

4. Kansas City Chiefs. Oooooof. Brutal. They looked like they were cruising to win #2 on the season, with a 24-3 (including a TD pass TO Tyler Thigpen) lead with 2 minutes to go in the first half. They then gave up a kick return for a TD and a FG in those final two minutes, and still managed to have a lead until Tampa scored a TD from Jeff Garcia to Antonio Bryant with 19 seconds left and converted the 2-point try, and then won in overtime. Dwayne "The Show" Bowe deserves much, much better.

5. Detroit Lions. Sure, it's getting a little redundant putting them here, but yesterday was a special occasion that was quite similar to the above Kansas City paragraph. Except they were looking for their first win, and only had a 10 point lead on the Bears at half, but had knocked starting QB Kyle Orton out of the game, which is surprisingly a bad thing for the Bears this season. Except enter Rex Grossman, he of the career 32/34 TD to INT ratio, and he marched them up and down the field, throwing for one TD and running for another and saving my hopes in our Survivor Pick'em. Calvin "Megatron" Johnson deserves much, much better.

Weekend Review

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Matt Garza. And David Price. And BJ Upton. And Evan Longoria. And Willy Aybar. And all the Rays. Awesome bounce back from that crushing loss in game five to come back and win in seven to head to the series to lose to the Phillies. How insanely good was Garza? And Price, shutting the door in the 8th and 9th, despite not even being a relief pitcher and not even being in the majors until September? This team is loaded, and this will most definitely not be their last playoff appearance. Delmon Young better get his shit together.

2. Gopher Football. Congrats to the Gophers on getting themselves ranked in the top 25 (#25 to be exact) and 24th in the BCS rankings. Certainly a great step up from last season, no doubt. With the schedule they have remaining they have a chance to end up going 11-1, it shouldn’t be expected, but it is within the realm of possibility. Would that be enough to get to a BCS bowl? A lot would have to happen with the teams above them, but I don’t think it’s out of the question. In any case, they should end up at a top tier bowl, probably against an SEC team where they’ll get crushed, but it wouldn’t be an embarrassment to anyone. This season has already exceeded most people’s wildest expectations for this team. I’d love to make a smartass comment here, but I just can’t. I’m pretty happy over here.

3. Tennessee Titans. Now 6-0 and basically making it look easy. Yes, I said they wouldn’t be very good this year, but that was with Vince Young at quarterback. Once you get Kerry Collins involved, all bets are off. He’s nothing special, but he does a pretty good job of taking care of the ball and keeping them in the game (exactly what Young doesn't do) so that top shelf defense and solid running game can beat down a team. Chris Johnson looks very AP-like so far and can break one at any time, and FatDale just keeps running into people and falling down until they get so tired and worn out from having 300 pounds bouncing into them over and over again they can barely stand. Note: his 80 yard TD run doesn’t mean he’s good, it just means Kansas City is really THAT bad.

4. Texas Longhorns. Damn dude, those are a couple of very impressive back-to-back wins by the Longhorns, following up last week’s win against Oklahoma with a 56-31 stomping of #11 Missouri in a game that wasn’t even that close. Texas QB Colt McCoy has jumped to the lead of the Heisman race, going 29-32 for 337 yards and 2 TDs (with 2 more rushing). Read that again. 29 for 32. Those are video game numbers. Texas still has a ways to go, with games against Texas Tech, Kansas, and Oklahoma State still to go, but they’ve certainly staked their claim as the best team in college football.

5. Mewelde Moore. I've written before that Mewelde is better than Reggie Bush, and once again I've been proven correct. The Steelers have finally given him the chance to be a feature back he deserves thanks to a few injuries and he's rewarded them big time. Yesterday he rushed 20 times for 120 yards and 2 TDs with another touchdown receiving. Reggie Bush? 9 carries for 55 yards and no touchdowns, and is so bad at scoring TDs that they gave the ball to some white guy named Mike Karney to score their one yard TD. "But what about receiving?" you say. "He's so valuable in the passing game" you say. Really? 1 catch for 5 yards. Mewelde had five catches. And a TD. The previous week, Mewelde went 17 carries for 99 yards, while bush was 14 carries for 27 yards. Case closed.


WHO SUCKED

1. BYU. Yes, this happened on Thursday but whatever, it still counts and it helps strengthen my belief in the DWG Jinx, since I highlighted BYU and their easy road to a BCS Bowl a couple of weeks ago. Of course, they went out on Thursday and got beat by TCU, and got beat badly at that, 32-7 ending their something like one hundred game winning streak. Cougars QB Max Hall threw two picks and was sacked seven times (sacked only once previously this season) as BYU rushed for a total of 23 yards while giving up 410 total yards to the Horned Frogs. Yeah, that’ll do it.

2. Football in the state of Michigan. Wow, where to begin? The Lions didn’t bother to show up until the second half, falling behind 21-0 to the Texans before making a game of it and losing in the end 28-21. They are on an almost inevitable course towards 0-16, and I see no possible way to break it – except maybe against the Vikings in week 14. The Spartans have a great opportunity to show they are a quality team going up against the Buckeyes, and lay a complete egg, getting rolled 45-7, taking their season from “potentially special” to “who the hell cares.” And the Wolverines, whose entire program is basically in the crapper right now, have a huge chance to score a quality upset win against Penn State after going up 17-7 in the second quarter. Then Penn State scored the next 39 POINTS to end up winning 46-17, not only getting a victory but covering a spread that looked completely safe with two minutes remaining in the second quarter. Good thing they at least have the Pistons. And Red Wings I guess. I think they’re good.

3. Minnesota Vikings. Good lord, what the hell was that? One of the worst offensive teams ever (outside of AP of course) manages to somehow miraculously score 41 points and they lose? I know their special teams is brutal, so it’s not surprising they gave away some free points, but what about the defense? I thought this year’s version of the Vikings’ defense was supposed to be a cross between the 86 Bears and the 2000 Ravens? It sure didn’t bother the Bears and Neck Beard, who threw for 286 and two TDs. To be honest, it felt like a whole lot more than that. There was never a point where the Vikings defense looked like they even had a prayer of stopping the Bears. At least they have a bye coming up next week to try to figure out what the hell is wrong.

4. Dustin Pedroia’s nickname. I recently learned that Boston fans call him “Destroyah.” Like, if you were unfortunately born in Boston and have that retarded ingrained inability to enunciate, and you tried to say Destroyer instead of saying it like a normal human person you would say it so it rhymed with Pedroia. Horrible. Worst nickname since Steve Esselink started going by “Sunshine.”

5. Indiana Jones. Yeah, we rented that new movie about the Crystal Skulls and all. I gotta tell ya, I can’t believe they waited twenty years and THIS is the script they came up with. Brutal. Not so much the script, but the idea was brutal. The really frustrating thing is that it felt like an Indiana Jones movie. The action, the archaeology, the music, everything was like Indiana never left, except for the god damn retarded faggy plot. I think what happened was Lucas and Spielberg got some guy and said, “You make this movie for us but here is your plot and you can’t deviate and here are some plot points that go with it that you have to hit.” And that guy took the crap they gave him and did a phenomenal job. But it’s still crap. Although that fictional guy who I made up just there deserves an oscar or emmy or whichever one goes for movies.

Weekend Review

WHO ROCKED

1. Missouri Football. Guess who is a legit National Title Contender? That’s right, they came into the week ranked #4, and rushed Nebraska in such convincing fashion that they leapfrogged LSU to get to #3. They killed the Cornhuskers (note: I once stayed in a hotel in Lincoln called “The Cornhusker.” It sucked) 52-17, rolling up all 52 points in the first three quarters before handing the offense over to Jonathan Moxon and his Dummy-Os. Chase Daniel continues to be awesome, completing almost 80% of his passes for three TDs and no picks, as he basically could have done pretty much whatever he wanted at any time. I remember when Nebraska was dominant. Remember Touchdown Tommie Frazier? Long time ago.

2. Vanderbilt Football. Speaking of teams that were non-factors and have recently become good, the Commodores are suddenly on the radar in a big way. They beat the #13 Auburn Tigers this weekend 14-13, moving to 5-0 and jumping up in the rankings to #13 themselves. I watched some of this game, and if you need a symbol for their turnaround, Auburn had the ball, first and goal on Vandy’s one yard line. They ran it up the middle, right at the defense, four times, and were turned away by Vandy’s defense all four times. It was truly awesome. Not as awesome as my “W” shirt, but awesome nonetheless.

3. Matt Ryan. Dude, this kid is the real deal for the Falcons. I’ve watched two of his games, coincidentally two of his good games, but he seems like he is going to be an absolute star. Not just because of his physical abilities but he just has a presence about him that is very un-rookielike. I know it goes against my nerd/math/stats self to evaluate a player based on something subjective, but good old fashioned scouting does still have it’s place. And according to this grizzled scouts eye, this kid is going to be a star. And I should know, I helped recruit Ryan Dunn to play for Chatham.

4. NFC East. I'm not nearly the first to say this, but the NFC East is definitely the class of the NFL. The Cowboys started the season as a Super Bowl favorite, and despite struggling with the Bengals yesterday and scaring everyone still alive in Survivor Leagues, they still are. The Giants were maybe the least regarded defending champion in history, and even after losing both defensive ends from last year's team they are stomping on people, beating the Seahawks 44-6 even without Plaxico to move to 4-0. And the Redskins came up huge, winning at the overrated Eagles' place to get to 4-1, even with Jason Campbell as the quarterback. I don't now how this happens either, but Campbell is putting together a hell of a year, and has yet to turn the ball over.

5. Manny Ramirez. Just killed the Cubs, going 5-10 with 2 homers, 3 rbi, and 4 walks to post an OPS of 1.743 for the series. I love Manny, and Bill Simmons had a really nice article about him that I'm far too lazy to link to but do yourself a favor and go find it on ESPN - plus you'll kill a good fifteen minutes. I fully expect him to kill the Phillies now. And speaking of the Cubs.....

WHO SUCKED


1. Chicago Cubs. I was really hoping to be able to write Chicago baseball altogether instead of just the Cubs, but the Fag Sox got lucky and managed to beat Garza and the Rays yesterday. We’ll focus on the latest Cubbie collapse instead. The best winning percentage in the majors and the biggest run differential would lead you to believe they would likely be their in the World Series, but no such luck. I don’t even know how people can be Cubs’ fans. It’s like waking up every morning and getting kicked in the nuts – only you have the choice to stop getting kicked, but you choose to allow it to happen every day. Special shout out to Alfonso Soriano, who managed to go 1-14 in the series with four strikeouts, and flailed at pretty much every pitch that was chucked up there. He makes Delmon Young look like Ricky Henderson with his plate discipline.

2. Gopher Football. Sure they won, and they even covered in a 16-7 win over Indiana, but holy crap was this ugly. It was actually the first extended amount of time I’ve watched the Gophers this season, and let me say, whatever the opposite of impressed is, that’s what I was. A non-existent offense with a QB who can or won’t look at more than 1 receiver on a play and a defense, that despite shutting Indiana down, looked more lucky than good. But hey, that gives them five wins, just one away from qualifying for a bowl game and satisfying a whole bunch of people with low expectations. And they really need to find themselves a running back who can, you know, run. FOUNTAIN of YOUTH!!11!!1!11

3. Sage Rosenfels. After playing a hell of a good game and pretty much having the win against the Colts locked up, Sage went into complete meltdown mode, fumbling twice and throwing an interception to give it away like a cheap $20 whore. A fumble the Colts returned for a score, another fumble that led to a silly catch by Reggie Wayne for the lead, and an interception tossed while trying to make a last ditch comeback were epic. It’s not often you can see someone light himself on fire like that. It was spectacular.

4. San Diego Chargers. A loss to Miami? A 2-3 record? How are these guys supposed to contend for a Super Bowl crown when they suck this badly? Tomlinson just looks slow and hesitant this season, and it makes me really nervous. Granted, they did the same thing last year so did LT and they ended up just fine, but this year seems different. No zest. Expect to see a sideline altercation at some point between LT and Rivers. I just can’t decide if that would be the spark they need, or the beginning of the end. Oh well, at least they aren’t……

5. Detroit Lions. Garbage. The finally, and I mean finally got rid of Millen but still embarrassed themselves against the Bears. How does this happen to a team? They benched Kitna, and the guy they turn is someone nobody’s ever heard of – you’d think finishing last that often they’d have some kind of future stud QB stashed somewhere. Calvin Johnson needs to get himself traded before he ends up killing himself. Seriously, that franchise might be the worst in all of sports. If Barry hadn’t played there that team would be in San Antonio or Los Angeles right now. Truly putrid.