6 Very Important Things so far this week

Man what a crazy week for me (thus the lack of posting).  Monday was Memorial Day, then Tuesday I had a fancy work dinner (sashimi style short rib with miso and wasabi appetizer, apple, cheese, and chive salad, and sea bass with a miso glaze), last night was a happy hour that went until 9pm, and tonight was softball.  Since I haven't been around this week, I'm forcing myself to post to just make you happy.  And what better way than the good ole 6 things format.

1.  I  have a bad feeling about this, but Rubio's coming to town.  I'm sure it makes everybody happy that he's actually coming, but the shine is definitely off this kid.  He's gone from the hottest amateur player in the world who everybody wanted to a huge question mark who probably wouldn't even be a lottery pick now.  I guess that'll happen when you fail to develop a jump shot and average 6.5 pts and 3.2 assists in EuroLeague.  That's not a misprint, those are his stats this year.  His career bests in any league are 10.2 pts and 5.8 assists.  I know he's young and I know Euro stats don't really translate over here, but that's really underwhelming.  It will be an interesting test of statistics vs. perception because a lot of people are still raving about the kid.  Not as much as two years ago, but a lot of people still love him.  Of course, on the Wolves even if he's the next Chris Paul that would just take them from 17 wins to 23, but at least they should be more fun to watch.  At this point I assume Rubio is basically like The Professor:


2. The Twins actually won, and won easily.  It seems shockingly unlikely but the Twins managed to score 8 runs in a game and beat KC 8-2.  Of course, six of those runs came in the same inning and were off Sean O'Sullivan (or Sean O'Suckivan as I like to call him when I'm drunk) so in reality the offense was generally it's usually inept self.  I'd love to write more but I have to be honest and tell you I didn't watch a single pitch.  But I bet Casilla did something dumb, Span took a poor route on a fly ball, Delmon did something lazy, Cuddyer chased a slider low and away, and whoever was catching hit a bunch of weak ground balls.  Close?

3.  Speaking of the Twins, Dan Gladden is quickly becoming the worst announcer in town.  For some reason I've found myself in positions where I'm listening to a lot of the Twins' games on the radio this year and I'm realizing that there are a ton of reasons to dislike Dan Gladden beyond his hair and the fact that he goes by "Dazzle" (as if you needed more reasons besides those, amirite?).  Last night I was lucky enough to hear a gem.  He argued stenuously that the shift the Royals (and everybody else) puts on for Morneau is unnecessary, doesn't make sense, and is "trying to recreate something" (that one is my favorite because I seriously can't make heads or tails of what he's trying to say).  The reason is because according to Dazzle, Morneau "can hit the ball either way just as well."  Really, dummy?  Good thing we can look stuff like this up and see that he's hitting .373 when he pulls the ball and .185 when he goes to left.  Same story, year after year, he's far better pulling the ball than going to left.  Gladden had another one too, but now I can't remember.  Just assume it was really dumb and incorrect.  Also if you put "Dan Gladden sucks" into google image search 9 of the first 36 images that pop up are from here.   I haven't been this proud since I was teh second site to pop up if you googled "suck my crank."  

4. In a kind of "holy shit" game, Dallas stole one.  Game 2 looked like it was the Heat's the whole way, and when Dwyane Wade hit a three with 7 minutes to go to put the Heat up 15 it felt over.  And it was clear Miami felt the same way because they got lazy on defense and sloppy on offense.  One problem - Dallas is a team full of veterans, and they don't just go away.  Six straight out of Jason Terry, a couple miscellaneous buckets, two points out of the Heat, and Dirk taking over and bam - we're tied at 90 with 57 seconds to go.  Dirk hits a wide open three that's then answered by Mario Chalmers, then the Mavs play for the last shot and Dirky goes right around Bosh for an easy lay-up - ballgame.  Huge huge win for Dallas, because they aren't going to sweep at home which means they'll likely head back to Miami up 3-2 with two chances to win the whole thing.  And I hope they do.  Because the Heat are a bunch of jackasses - especially Mike Miller and his new ridiculous full arm shooting sleeve.  And I used to like the guy, too.  Turns out you just shouldn't like anybody from any of the Dakotas.  They're all terrible people.

5.  Rest in Peace, Fu-Schnickens.  The man of a billion nicknames (Big Aristotle and Shaq-fu were always my favorites) is calling it an NBA career, and leaving behind some serious numbers:  Fifth all-time in scoring, 12th in rebounding, and 2nd in field goal percentage.  He doesn't get the credit he deserves because a lot of people credit his success simply to his size and ability to muscle people out of the way, but for a long time he really was an incredible athlete with excellent footwork (although that started going bye-bye when he got less and less interested in staying in shape).  He's probably a top 10 all-time player, a completely dominant force, and belongs with Jabbar, Russell, and Chamberlain (apologies to my favorite, Hakeem) as the best big man of all time.  Don't forget that he also was one of the dominant players on NBA Jam in the Arcade, and single-handedly changed how basketball hoops were made.  I still remember watching this moment as a kid and being completely stunned that someone could do this.

6.  Ohio State is a bunch of cheating cheaters.  I mean, we all know that everybody cheats, just some people are better at it than others.  Jim Tressel, now forced into resigning, was one of the best, capturing about a billion Big Ten championships, a national title (stolen from Miami), and doing it all while maintaining a squeaky clean image thanks to his nerdy sweater vest (note:  Snacks and Bogart both love to wear sweater vests).  Now it's all come crashing down, the stories are all over the web and Sports Illustrated, Tressel is out and Terrell Pryor is almost certain to follow, and since the NCAA looks at lying about violations the ultimate evil Ohio State's program won't escape unscathed.  To this I say "Who cares?"

Seriously though, how enjoyable was that ride for Buckeye fans?  Top of the world for like 10 years.  It's like the Gopher hoops run to the Final  Four under Clem.  We were all there, we all saw it, we all loved it.  Just because the NCAA says it didn't happen doesn't mean it didn't happen (at least until the mass mind eraser technology gets up to code).   The scandal came out, the program tumbled (deeply), but would you trade that Final Four run + the dark years for a whole bunch of seasons of mediocrity instead just because it was done "cleanly?"  Do me a favor and if you answered yes to that question go light your bible on fire and then try to put it out with your face.

Honestly I just don't understand people who get all pissed if their favorite school is doing something shady or if the players on the team aren't pure as the first snow of winter falling on a baby's bottom while a choir of cherub-faced third graders sing hallelujah as written by Jeff Buckley and played when Marisa Cooper died.  I don't watch college sports and cheer for the player with the highest GPA - that's why they don't sell tickets to watch players take a chemistry test.  I want to win and I don't care how.  If the Gophers could sneak six players on the court at a time and nobody would notice I'd be all for it.  If every single player on the Gophers ended up in jail the year after they ran out of eligibility I wouldn't bat an eye.  You know why?  Because I don't know these guys as people - they could be good guys, bad guys, medium guys, gentlemen, assholes, or sell knives door-to-door on the side and not only would I not know but I wouldn't care.  Win.  Just win.  That's what I'm there for and it's what they're there for.  The hope would be that they take advantage of the free ride and get their degree in communications but if they don't IT DOESN'T MATTER TO MY LIFE EITHER WAY.  Graduation rates are completely meaningless.  In fact, if your graduation rate is too high you're probably doing it wrong.

I hate John Calipari because he's slimy, but he wins.  If the Gophers next coach cheats his ass off for five years without getting caught and gets the Gophers to the Final Four and close another couple of times and then gets busted I will sing his praises to the high heavens, just like I did and continue to do with Clem.

Just win, baby.  Just win.

By the way, I wrote this entire post while drinking warm PBR from a cup with ice.  Classy, right?

Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.4.2010

1. Looks like somebody's sick of not being the lead on Sportscenter.  You are no doubt aware of this already, but the Pete Rose of football, Brett Favre, decided to make his retirement/non-retirement a story again, this time texting teammates the phrase "this is it" which somehow has been taken to mean he is retiring, despite the fact that I can think of a million other things that phrase could be referring to.  Of course, this is the kind of thing you'd think could be easily clarified with a statement, but naturally Debbie Drama has kept silent on the issue.

It's freaking unbelievable.  Every year.  There were times I thought it might be a media obsession that created this circus every year, but it really is Favre.  He completely creates this every where he goes.  He's not the down home of the farm good ole boy, he's Paris Hilton.  Seriously he makes Lindsay Lohan look shy and Spencer Pratt look media savvy.  I'm ready to say good riddance to Captain Look-at-Me.  Except that with him they are a Super Bowl contender, without they are a borderline playoff team, so I'll put up with it and then welcome him back with open arms.  Oh my god I think I have battered wife syndrome.

2.  Well Matt Guerrier certainly lit that candle, didn't he?  I know I overreact to every loss.  I admit it, and if I continue to write daily you'll see it as I write about each Twins game, but isn't it disheartening to see them just fail against good teams again and again?  I mean, they had opportunity after opportunity to take control of that game and let them all pass by.  When they finally manage to tie the game on a big and unlikely HR by Butera, Guerrier comes in and gives us one of the ugliest relief outings you'll ever see to give the game away.  I'm not suggesting they can't win the division, being just 1.5 back of a very flawed Chicago teams means you're just another streak away from first, and they have the schedule where they could do it, but I am suggesting they have no shot in the playoffs to do anything other than fade away.  Again.

When Morneau is back things could change, he's that good, but day by day this thing gets curiouser and curiouser.  Perhaps most telling is the fact that Morneau seems to have gone into hiding.  Maybe he has a huge lump on his head and he's embarrassed.  Maybe he actually had an eyeball fall out when he got kneed.  Or maybe things are really, truly bad up in his noggin.  Like, really bad.  I certainly hope not, because that would be a tragedy not just in the sports world but in the world world as well, but the comparisons to what happened to Corey Koskie are feeling more and more disturbingly apt. 

3.  I should probably update you on this.  Since I talked yesterday about super phenom Carlos Santana getting run over at the plate and destroying his leg the day after I traded for him, you will probably be happy to hear the news that it ended up being just a knee sprain and Santana is now on the 15-day disabled list.  Based on how bad that play looked, this is beyond good news for the Indians.  Now he should be able to be back in time to shred Twins' pitching and knock them out of the playoffs.

4.  What year is this, 2003?  The Boston Celtics are about to sign Shaquille O'Neal.  Seriously.  You would have thought it near impossible for this team to get older, but it looks like they have done it.  Seriously though, they easily have the best team of 2003.  KG finished second in the MVP voting with Shaq finishing fifth and both were All-NBA first teamers and on the all-defensive team.  Paul Pierce was third team All-NBA and was 13th in MVP balloting, with Jermaine O'Neal joining him on that all-NBA third team.  Ray Allen was merely an all-star and won the Sportsmanship Award (wait, the what?).  All they need to do is fill out their roster with the available Tracy McGrady (4th in MVP voting) and Allen Iverson (6th) and they would dominate.  All they'd need is a time machine.  Or a Hot Tub and an illegal Russian energy drink.  Or even a Delorean and some plutonium.   1.21 Gigawatts!

5.  Suck it, Chicago.  When the White Sox were unable to consummate an Adam Dunn deal, despite committing self-rape in acquiring Edwin Jackson, their hope was that he would slip through waivers and they could claim him, at which point they could then work out a trade to acquire the services of the big donkey.  The Nationals didn't waste any time according to reports, putting Dunn on waivers today, however it doesn't look like Chicago will get a crack at him.  According to analysts there's is essentially no way Dunn will slip past both the Rockies and Giants, and since a waived player has to pass through his own league before the teams in the other get a chance, it looks like the Sox will just have to sit there with a limp wiener, the saddest kind of wiener.  (and if you aren't a nerd like me and don't quite understand all this waiver stuff, here is a very excellent primer from excellent Twins' blog Twinkie Town). 

6.  Maybe this is why Favre is retiring again.  According to reports, Donkey Kong Sue will sign with the Lions at some point today, putting his name to a contract worth $60 million over five years, with $40 million of that guaranteed.  Nice.  He did miss four days of practice and whoever the Lions new coach is (Jim Schwartz is his name.  Seriously.  Just go with Jim Shorts already) is all twisted up about the "missed opportunities" or whatever.  Relax Mr. Shorts, I think he'll be ok.  As noted poet and wordsmith Allen Iverson once said, "I know it’s important, I honestly do but we’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice man. We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice."  Preach on, brother!