Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.4.2010

1. Looks like somebody's sick of not being the lead on Sportscenter.  You are no doubt aware of this already, but the Pete Rose of football, Brett Favre, decided to make his retirement/non-retirement a story again, this time texting teammates the phrase "this is it" which somehow has been taken to mean he is retiring, despite the fact that I can think of a million other things that phrase could be referring to.  Of course, this is the kind of thing you'd think could be easily clarified with a statement, but naturally Debbie Drama has kept silent on the issue.

It's freaking unbelievable.  Every year.  There were times I thought it might be a media obsession that created this circus every year, but it really is Favre.  He completely creates this every where he goes.  He's not the down home of the farm good ole boy, he's Paris Hilton.  Seriously he makes Lindsay Lohan look shy and Spencer Pratt look media savvy.  I'm ready to say good riddance to Captain Look-at-Me.  Except that with him they are a Super Bowl contender, without they are a borderline playoff team, so I'll put up with it and then welcome him back with open arms.  Oh my god I think I have battered wife syndrome.

2.  Well Matt Guerrier certainly lit that candle, didn't he?  I know I overreact to every loss.  I admit it, and if I continue to write daily you'll see it as I write about each Twins game, but isn't it disheartening to see them just fail against good teams again and again?  I mean, they had opportunity after opportunity to take control of that game and let them all pass by.  When they finally manage to tie the game on a big and unlikely HR by Butera, Guerrier comes in and gives us one of the ugliest relief outings you'll ever see to give the game away.  I'm not suggesting they can't win the division, being just 1.5 back of a very flawed Chicago teams means you're just another streak away from first, and they have the schedule where they could do it, but I am suggesting they have no shot in the playoffs to do anything other than fade away.  Again.

When Morneau is back things could change, he's that good, but day by day this thing gets curiouser and curiouser.  Perhaps most telling is the fact that Morneau seems to have gone into hiding.  Maybe he has a huge lump on his head and he's embarrassed.  Maybe he actually had an eyeball fall out when he got kneed.  Or maybe things are really, truly bad up in his noggin.  Like, really bad.  I certainly hope not, because that would be a tragedy not just in the sports world but in the world world as well, but the comparisons to what happened to Corey Koskie are feeling more and more disturbingly apt. 

3.  I should probably update you on this.  Since I talked yesterday about super phenom Carlos Santana getting run over at the plate and destroying his leg the day after I traded for him, you will probably be happy to hear the news that it ended up being just a knee sprain and Santana is now on the 15-day disabled list.  Based on how bad that play looked, this is beyond good news for the Indians.  Now he should be able to be back in time to shred Twins' pitching and knock them out of the playoffs.

4.  What year is this, 2003?  The Boston Celtics are about to sign Shaquille O'Neal.  Seriously.  You would have thought it near impossible for this team to get older, but it looks like they have done it.  Seriously though, they easily have the best team of 2003.  KG finished second in the MVP voting with Shaq finishing fifth and both were All-NBA first teamers and on the all-defensive team.  Paul Pierce was third team All-NBA and was 13th in MVP balloting, with Jermaine O'Neal joining him on that all-NBA third team.  Ray Allen was merely an all-star and won the Sportsmanship Award (wait, the what?).  All they need to do is fill out their roster with the available Tracy McGrady (4th in MVP voting) and Allen Iverson (6th) and they would dominate.  All they'd need is a time machine.  Or a Hot Tub and an illegal Russian energy drink.  Or even a Delorean and some plutonium.   1.21 Gigawatts!

5.  Suck it, Chicago.  When the White Sox were unable to consummate an Adam Dunn deal, despite committing self-rape in acquiring Edwin Jackson, their hope was that he would slip through waivers and they could claim him, at which point they could then work out a trade to acquire the services of the big donkey.  The Nationals didn't waste any time according to reports, putting Dunn on waivers today, however it doesn't look like Chicago will get a crack at him.  According to analysts there's is essentially no way Dunn will slip past both the Rockies and Giants, and since a waived player has to pass through his own league before the teams in the other get a chance, it looks like the Sox will just have to sit there with a limp wiener, the saddest kind of wiener.  (and if you aren't a nerd like me and don't quite understand all this waiver stuff, here is a very excellent primer from excellent Twins' blog Twinkie Town). 

6.  Maybe this is why Favre is retiring again.  According to reports, Donkey Kong Sue will sign with the Lions at some point today, putting his name to a contract worth $60 million over five years, with $40 million of that guaranteed.  Nice.  He did miss four days of practice and whoever the Lions new coach is (Jim Schwartz is his name.  Seriously.  Just go with Jim Shorts already) is all twisted up about the "missed opportunities" or whatever.  Relax Mr. Shorts, I think he'll be ok.  As noted poet and wordsmith Allen Iverson once said, "I know it’s important, I honestly do but we’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice man. We’re talking about practice. We’re talking about practice. We’re not talking about the game. We’re talking about practice."  Preach on, brother!

Six Very Important Things this Morning - 8.3.2010

1.  Jeremy Hellickson had an awfully good debut.  Nice outing for the rookie, even against a Twins lineup that didn't have Morneau or Mauer, but at least had 9 guys who aren't gigantic pussies.  Seriously, has there ever been a team whose two best players missed this many games?  The real M&M boys would be ashamed.  Mickey Mantle drank a fifth of whiskey on a slow night and would regularly knock back enough to kill Nicolas Cage, washed it down with a couple big ole stogies, followed that up with a roll in the hay with some random broad, and then got two hours of sleep before rolling out of bed and going 2-4 with a home run.  And everybody knows Roger Maris was functionally retarded, as is everyone from North Dakota, but he managed to have some of the better seasons of his era (and no, he's not a hall of famer.  Don't be an idiot).  Yet Morneau gets bumped in the head and Mauer is a little sore and they can't be bothered to play despite the team being in the middle of a good ole fashioned pennant race.  Seriously pathetic.  I say they trade them both.  Except for Morneau.

2.  The Big Ten is gonna make bank.  With the Big 10 (11) changing to the Big 10 (12) next season, it also gains a championship game for football.  This is good, because it's an extra game, and it's an extra game between two good teams (at least for the conference, not necessarily nationally - zing), so that means extra money.  I read somewhere else that it would be approximately $5 million more bucks to the already cash-stuffed conference, which will also get a boost from adding Nebraska TV sets.  If you click on the link and read the article there's a bunch more in there, but to be honest I got really bored and then scrolled down and it was way too long to keep reading.

3.  The Reds are loaded with young pitching.  Seriously, this team is going to be a serious NL contender for years with all the young stud arms, the latest example of which is Travis Wood, who tossed 7 innings of 2-hit ball last night, which isn't even his best outing of his seven career starts because he nearly tossed a perfect game in his third career time out, ending up with a one hitter.  With him, Mike Leake (7-2, 3.57 ERA), Johnny Cueto (10-2, 3.32) they already have three guys under 25 who have shown they can do it and they still have Homer Baily (super talented but constantly injured), Edinson Volquez (recovering from injury but awesome when pre-injury), Aroldis Chapman (famous foreigner) and Matt Maloney who has only made two starts but has been solid (3.09 ERA, 1.11 WHIP).  If you want to go deeper they have four other guys on John Sickels' top 20.  I predict them to become a dynasty, but based on my history of predicting they're probably going to become the next Pirates.   

4.  So much for the Smoak monster.  This happened over the weekend, but I didn't get around to mentioning it ever and I figured I should since I've been blowing so much Smoak about him:  Justin Smoak was sent down from Seattle to AAA.  I guess these days a .198 batting average and .624 OPS don't get you anything these days, what with all the politics and all.  Seriously though, he's been successful in the minors, he's just 23 and in his third professional season, and he still shows good plate discipline (39 walks in 340 big league plate appearances).  He'll be fine.  Or he's the next Scott Stahoviak.

5.  So much for that trade.  Carlos Santana, rookie catcher, super stud, future star, the next Joe Mauer but less of a girl, non-guitar player or Rob Thomas collaborator, guy who would lead the Majors in OPS for catchers if he had enough at-bats, and guy I just MOTHER FUCKING TRADED FOR in fantasy baseball on Sunday ended up leaving the Indians' game last night with an apparent leg injury after Ryan Kalish of the Red Sox, who doesn't matter now and will never matter, barreled into him on a play at the plate.  The best part of that article is the end, where they make sure you know that "Television replays showed his left leg buckled."  Awesome.  He was on my team for less than 24 hours.  Wait, no.  I mean this is a terrible blow to baseball and Cleveland and this poor young man's career or something else less selfish.

6.  Is Miami-Dade the new convict U?  I'll assume you are all aware of Trevor Mbakwe and his legal woes, and if you're not I think you're in the wrong place (unless you like crappy SyFy movies, in which case stay tuned)), but his Miami-Dade teammate Darnell Dodson is now in a bit of a pickle at Kentucky.  Well maybe not a pickle, since there doesn't seem to be any definitive information out there, but John Calipari announced that Dodson will not be playing for Kentucky this season, although he seems to be academically ineligible.  Apparently there has been some friction between Calipari and Dodson, so this isn't a huge surprise, but it could hurt the Wildcats since Dodson was their #1 three-point shooter last year.  Of course, since basically the entire team turned pro, we don't really have any idea what their strenghts and weaknesses are next season.  Although I feel comfortable saying a strenth will be sliminess and a weakness will be ethics.


By the way, dickmittens, start paying attention.  I've now had two people who I know read this blog regularly say something like, "oh, you're on Twitter?"  Yes, idiots.  Look at the text bar at the very top of the screen.  And then go sign up.