I really don't want to do this. The Twins' pitching has been horrible for years, and even though it might be a little bit better it's still bad and it's also boring. I guess just dive right in? Yeah ok.
Opening day starter Phil Hughes should be the ace. The Twins signed him prior to last season on the cheap, hoping he'd be a better pitcher getting out of Yankee Stadium and boy did that pay off. He slashed his walks to an insane 0.69 per 9 innings which was the third lowest mark since 1920. 1920! And he somehow managed to do that while increasing his strikeouts and giving up half as many homers per fly ball. The homers number is maybe a little fluky, but moving from Yankee Stadium to Target Field can explain a lot of that too and it's balanced by a slightly higher than it should have been BABIP.
I mean Hughes was a really, really good pitcher last year. Imagine if the Twins weren't one of the two worst fielding teams in the league last year (I can't remember the other one). Hughes' FIP, which stands for Fielding Independent Pitching and attempts to measure a pitcher based solely on things he can control, was 2.65, almost a full run lower than his ERA (that means the Twins' fielding and Hughes' luck were both really, really bad). That number was fifth among qualified starters in all of baseball. He was fifth among starters in WAR. He won 16 games on a terrible team. He finished 7th in Cy Young voting. I mean geez. I didn't even realize just how good he was.
Honestly, and it scares me to say this a little, there's really no reason not to expect him to be the same pitcher this season. None of the improvements he made are unsustainable, even if a little regression should probably be expected because that's only natural after you set an all-time freaking record for K/Walk ratio, and there's actually some room for his luck to improve. Most of the projection systems like his walk rate to about double (to a still really good number in the low 1s) and his ERA/WHIP/FIP to go up accordingly, but what if he can come closer to replicating that 0.69? Man wow. I know his extension is a bit of a risk since it's pretty much based on one season, but if he can come close to that pitcher again it'll be an absolute bargain.
After Hughes come a couple vets in new Ervin Santana and last year's new Ricky Nolasco. The latter was an unmitigated disaster, as Nolasco cashed in $12 million to put up career worsts in nearly every category to the tune of a 5.38 ERA and 1.52 WHIP, all while failing to reach 200 innings pitched. Looking into the advanced stats there's not much of a reason for optimism, though he probably won't be worse. Even so, I took him with my first pick in a horrible players fantasy league, where you're rewarded for sucking. Santana is a good signing for a contending team who needs someone in the middle of their rotation, but he doesn't make much sense for a a team like the Twins, especially if it helped push Alex Meyer and Trevor May back down to AAA. I mean, he's been a pretty good pitcher in five of the last six seasons and he'll almost certainly help the team win more games this season, but he's pretty pointless unless he's still good when this team is contending. Which will be soon, right? Whatever. The team probably thought they were signing Johan Santana anyway.
Starter four is Kyle Gibson who has pretty much lost his top prospect shine but had a pretty successful second season. He improved from his (admittedly disastrous) rookie call-up two years ago by getting better in pretty much every metric you can find. His WAR was 2.1 last season, which puts him in line with guys like Chris Tillman and Henderson Alvarez in the pretty darn good pitcher area. I'd really like to see him up his K rate to somewhere closer to what he was putting up in the minors, but you can't really argue to much with a 2:1 ground ball to fly ball ratio. He's a solid #4 or a so-so #3 with potential for more if he can whiff more dudes. Keep an eye on that.
Winning the fifth starter competition over Meyer, May, and Mike Pelfrey (who is in the bullpen in a move I'm sure will work out) is your guy Tommy Milone, who came over in the Sam Fuld trade in what was a steal because Fuld is terrible. Not that Milone is anything particularly special, but he's made himself into a serviceable major league pitcher despite a fastball that doesn't break 87 miles per hour unless there's a stiff breeze behind him. But he mixes his pitches well and generally keeps the walks down, so he's not the worst option you could have as a fifth starter - though I promise you he'll have games where he's missing his spots where you'll believe he's pretty much the worst.
That's it for the starters, so now we're on to the bullpen which is going to be awful. Glen Perkins will close of course and he's pretty awesome. I have a tendency since he's a Minnesotan on a Minnesota team (and also I'm kind of a shithead sometimes) to assume he's being locally overrated but Perkins really is an elite closer. Since he took over the closer role permanently in 2013 he ranks 9th in saves (on a terrible team), 13th in K/9, 58th in ERA, and 22nd in FIP, and 25th in WHIP among all pitchers with at least 120 innings pitched - that's pretty damn good! And he has four more extremely affordable years on his contract (including this season). I kind of love the guy, but they should probably be listening at every trade deadline. Some team in win-now mode who is desperate for a closer might do something foolish, and he's a very valuable trade chip. For now, I'm just going to love watching him, and he's young enough he could be the closer when the team is in contention again (they will!), but you know, think about it.
I'm not saying shop him, not at all. I'm just saying if say, the Dodgers and their bottomless pit of money find themselves in a dogfight for the division they could come sniffing around. What if Kenley Jansen's injury festers and he's out all year, and terrible Brandon League and unproven Chris Hatcher aren't getting the job done? Between Perkins's skills, proven closer status, and super nice contract he'd be an attractive option. Maybe you can pry Kyle Seager or Julio Urias away. That would be pretty stupid on the Dodgers' end, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. They have a super deep farm system and they clearly want to win and they want to win now.
Casey Fien will be the main setup guy after another pretty good year even if he did slip a bit. It's a smidge disconcerting, however, that his K/9 dropped from 10.6 in 2013 to 7.3 in 2014. His velocity was actually up so there's a decent chance this was just a weird blip, but there was also a huge jump in contact rate. Keep an eye on this guy.
Brian Duensing was brought back for some reason and he'll be the sole non-Perkins lefty even though he's really quite terrible at pitching. He has been decent at getting lefties out in his career, but his inability to strike anyone out drives me crazy and he should never, ever pitch to right-handed batters. I really don't know why they tendered him other than continuity and familiarity which, as you know, the Twins value to an absurd degree. I'd rather just roll the dice on Caleb Thielbar. Granted in his two seasons he's shown reverse splits and if the Twins looked at that then bravo, but I guess I don't buy the front office is that sophisticated. There aren't really any other in house options for a lefty bullpen guy which is sad in and of itself, but there's always plenty of crappy lefty arms out there you could probably snag for a minor league deal. In the long run I suppose it doesn't matter, but giving $2.7 million to a terrible Duensing is kind of gross.
The rest of the bullpen is pretty much a mess. Tim Stauffer is a failed starter who's dealt with a couple of really significant injuries and he's probably the best of the group. Mike Pelfrey is absolutely terrible and should be released but instead the Twins are putting him in the pen which also pissed him off, so this is just a great situation all around. J.R. Graham pretty much made the team because he was a Rule 5 pick and has to be on the big league roster or be sent back to his original team, and I literally have no idea who Blaine Boyer is. This is not an impressive collection of arms, and to make it even worse the only guy in the entire bullpen who is under 30 is Graham. It's a group of old, failed pitchers. I prefer my bullpen made up of hard throwing young guys with at least one who isn't sure where the ball might be going all the time. That's fun. This is a garbage fire.
It's not like the team's going anywhere anyway. You could roll with 25-year old Michael Tonkin, 25-year old Stephen Pryor, 26-year old Lester Oliveros, 22-year old Nick Burdi, and 22-year old Jake Reed and be just as well off, if not better, and it would be a lot more fun. Or hell, throw Meyer and/or May into the pen to start like the way the Orioles have handled Kevin Gausman. I don't know. I'm not entirely certain this team has a coherent plan beyond "waiting for 2016 and hoping all the prospects are good" but whatever.
All in all, the starters could be decent this year, and will most likely be the best the Twins have had in a few years. The bullpen, however, is going to blow a lot of games.
Showing posts with label Glen Perkins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Glen Perkins. Show all posts
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Twins and the Trade Deadline
We're nearly at the all-star break, which means we're a fair way past the first half of the season but everyone's required to refer to it as the first half anyway. It's also a good time to look back on what has transpired thus far and what I hope to see in the 2nd half, mainly because that's what everyone does at the all-star break. The most exciting part of the second half for a non-contending team is the trade deadline, so here's what the Twins should be looking to do:
First off, the Twins are not contending for the Wild Card, so put that out of your silly little head right now. They are currently 9.5 out of the second Wild Card spot with six teams either ahead of tied with them. It's not happening, no matter how optimistic Dan Gladden wants you to be. In that case, the Twins need to be ready and willing to sell off anybody and everybody who isn't a clear part of their future plans. That means everybody outside of Joe Mauer (untradeable in any case), Brian Dozier, Danny Santana, Oswaldo Arcia, Kyle Gibson, and probably Eduardo Escobar (just in case he's actually good) should be available for the right trade, and yes I'm including Glen Perkins.
Perkins is an elite level closer - yes elite - who is having the unluckiest year of his career (career high BABIP and career low LOB%) and is still putting up good numbers including a career best K/9 and BB/9. Considering he'll make just about $17 million through 2017 with a team option for $6.5 mil in 2018, he's an extremely valuable commodity - assuming you can find a team who overvalues relief pitching. The Twins won't be a contender until at least 2016 in my opinion, so if you can get a monster offer for Perkins you have two more seasons to develop a new closer. The Tigers, Jays, Yankees, and Angels all rank in the bottom 10 in the majors in bullpen ERA and all have deep pockets and are known to make splashy moves when deemed necessary. It's probably worth making a phone call, or at least answering the phone.
The other player I'd consider tradeable, but only for a great offer is Phil Hughes. Not because I think he's suddenly become Cy Young, but because you do need to field a full rotation next season and with any luck they find a way to unload Ricky Nolasco and Kevin Correia for.......something. Hughes has looked rejuvenated this year, and there's enough behind his numbers to at least suggest this isn't a fluke. He's signed to a very affordable deal ($8m per) and is signed through 2016, so if the Twins hold on to him they'll have him through that first season where I'm hoping they're competing for a playoff spot (2016).
The only other guy I would even consider holding out and passing on trading if you don't get a really good offer is Trevor Plouffe. It's pretty clear who he is at this point - a .240ish hitter with good pop, decent plate discipline, and decent defense at 3B - not a monster asset but a pretty decent player. Considering he's under team control through 2017 and is making just $2.4m he's a pretty good value, so there's no reason to rush on him. That being said, with Miguel Sano theoretically on the way and hopefully entrenched at third by 2016, he's not a necessary cog so any above market trade offer should be jumped on.
Literally everyone else is eminently tradeable, although most either have an unwieldy contract (Nolasco) or are just plain old too crappy to be considered desirable by anyone (everyone else). Two guys who should hold enough value who absolutely need to be traded are Josh Willingham and Kurt Suzuki. Willingham is a free agent after this season and it's doubtful the Twins will resign him, so come trade deadline dangle him out there and take whatever the top offer is - there's absolutely zero reason for Willingham to finish the season on the Twins' roster.
Suzuki is a bit more complicated, given that he's having a career year, made the All-Star team, and seems so much like Gardy's kind of guy it's actually painful. On the other hand, he's on a one year deal and some of his numbers look pretty fluky. Suzuki could be an ideal fill-in for a contending team needing catching help, whether just for depth or because of an injury, and Suzuki has hit well enough this year that he could offer help at DH or simply pinch hitting as well. The Orioles lead the AL East but have very little at catcher now that they've lost Matt Wieters, while they're getting chased by Toronto who has gotten nothing this year from the position. The Dodgers are another potential trade partner considering Drew Butera leads all Dodger catchers in plate appearances this season.
In the bullpen there's probably some potential to move Jared Burton, Casey Fien, and Brian Duensing. Burton is putting up career worst numbers but should have enough of a track record to garner some interest from a pitching starved quasi-contender. He's on the hook for a $3.6m team option next year with a buyout of just $200k, so it's not like any team would be making a major investment to acquire him. Fien is putting up his third straight solid season and is under team control all the way through 2018 so I could see holding on to him - maybe he's the future closer if they get a overwhelming offer for Perkins and actually pull the trigger. Duensing has pretty much established who he is at this point, but his ERA is at his career low even if his peripherals aren't any better than usual and he's been very good against lefties in his career so he could draw some interest. Hopefully.
Simply put, the Twins aren't going anywhere for at least another season and they have enough trade chips here that they should make this next month pretty interesting - SHOULD. Willingham and Suzuki really should be traded and if the management likes them that much they'll have the opportunity to bring them back a la Rick Aguilera. At least one out of Burton and Duensing should be traded, and there are other guys who could draw interest including blockbuster potential with Perkins. It should be fun leading up to the trade deadline. Yet somehow I get the feeling it will be all anticipation with no pay-off. Again. At some point this organization needs to realize they aren't developing players like they used to, and get more aggressive with trades and free agency (to be fair we did see a little of this last offseason) in order to get back to being competitive. Or just keep missing the playoffs.
[EDIT: Just realized I somehow completely forgot Kendrys Morales. Absolutely needs to be traded. Hopefully he gets hot again.]
First off, the Twins are not contending for the Wild Card, so put that out of your silly little head right now. They are currently 9.5 out of the second Wild Card spot with six teams either ahead of tied with them. It's not happening, no matter how optimistic Dan Gladden wants you to be. In that case, the Twins need to be ready and willing to sell off anybody and everybody who isn't a clear part of their future plans. That means everybody outside of Joe Mauer (untradeable in any case), Brian Dozier, Danny Santana, Oswaldo Arcia, Kyle Gibson, and probably Eduardo Escobar (just in case he's actually good) should be available for the right trade, and yes I'm including Glen Perkins.
Perkins is an elite level closer - yes elite - who is having the unluckiest year of his career (career high BABIP and career low LOB%) and is still putting up good numbers including a career best K/9 and BB/9. Considering he'll make just about $17 million through 2017 with a team option for $6.5 mil in 2018, he's an extremely valuable commodity - assuming you can find a team who overvalues relief pitching. The Twins won't be a contender until at least 2016 in my opinion, so if you can get a monster offer for Perkins you have two more seasons to develop a new closer. The Tigers, Jays, Yankees, and Angels all rank in the bottom 10 in the majors in bullpen ERA and all have deep pockets and are known to make splashy moves when deemed necessary. It's probably worth making a phone call, or at least answering the phone.
The other player I'd consider tradeable, but only for a great offer is Phil Hughes. Not because I think he's suddenly become Cy Young, but because you do need to field a full rotation next season and with any luck they find a way to unload Ricky Nolasco and Kevin Correia for.......something. Hughes has looked rejuvenated this year, and there's enough behind his numbers to at least suggest this isn't a fluke. He's signed to a very affordable deal ($8m per) and is signed through 2016, so if the Twins hold on to him they'll have him through that first season where I'm hoping they're competing for a playoff spot (2016).
The only other guy I would even consider holding out and passing on trading if you don't get a really good offer is Trevor Plouffe. It's pretty clear who he is at this point - a .240ish hitter with good pop, decent plate discipline, and decent defense at 3B - not a monster asset but a pretty decent player. Considering he's under team control through 2017 and is making just $2.4m he's a pretty good value, so there's no reason to rush on him. That being said, with Miguel Sano theoretically on the way and hopefully entrenched at third by 2016, he's not a necessary cog so any above market trade offer should be jumped on.
Literally everyone else is eminently tradeable, although most either have an unwieldy contract (Nolasco) or are just plain old too crappy to be considered desirable by anyone (everyone else). Two guys who should hold enough value who absolutely need to be traded are Josh Willingham and Kurt Suzuki. Willingham is a free agent after this season and it's doubtful the Twins will resign him, so come trade deadline dangle him out there and take whatever the top offer is - there's absolutely zero reason for Willingham to finish the season on the Twins' roster.
Suzuki is a bit more complicated, given that he's having a career year, made the All-Star team, and seems so much like Gardy's kind of guy it's actually painful. On the other hand, he's on a one year deal and some of his numbers look pretty fluky. Suzuki could be an ideal fill-in for a contending team needing catching help, whether just for depth or because of an injury, and Suzuki has hit well enough this year that he could offer help at DH or simply pinch hitting as well. The Orioles lead the AL East but have very little at catcher now that they've lost Matt Wieters, while they're getting chased by Toronto who has gotten nothing this year from the position. The Dodgers are another potential trade partner considering Drew Butera leads all Dodger catchers in plate appearances this season.
In the bullpen there's probably some potential to move Jared Burton, Casey Fien, and Brian Duensing. Burton is putting up career worst numbers but should have enough of a track record to garner some interest from a pitching starved quasi-contender. He's on the hook for a $3.6m team option next year with a buyout of just $200k, so it's not like any team would be making a major investment to acquire him. Fien is putting up his third straight solid season and is under team control all the way through 2018 so I could see holding on to him - maybe he's the future closer if they get a overwhelming offer for Perkins and actually pull the trigger. Duensing has pretty much established who he is at this point, but his ERA is at his career low even if his peripherals aren't any better than usual and he's been very good against lefties in his career so he could draw some interest. Hopefully.
Simply put, the Twins aren't going anywhere for at least another season and they have enough trade chips here that they should make this next month pretty interesting - SHOULD. Willingham and Suzuki really should be traded and if the management likes them that much they'll have the opportunity to bring them back a la Rick Aguilera. At least one out of Burton and Duensing should be traded, and there are other guys who could draw interest including blockbuster potential with Perkins. It should be fun leading up to the trade deadline. Yet somehow I get the feeling it will be all anticipation with no pay-off. Again. At some point this organization needs to realize they aren't developing players like they used to, and get more aggressive with trades and free agency (to be fair we did see a little of this last offseason) in order to get back to being competitive. Or just keep missing the playoffs.
[EDIT: Just realized I somehow completely forgot Kendrys Morales. Absolutely needs to be traded. Hopefully he gets hot again.]
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Can we Answer any Twins' Questions yet?
Before the baseball season started this year I said the Twins' weren't going to be very good. Bold prediction, I know, but I also said that would be ok because it would give us a chance to answer some questions about some of the Twins' "fringey" guys and figure out who would be a future building block for the team and who wouldn't - or at least shouldn't. I think we are far enough into the season at this point to at least start looking at the answer to that question on some of these dudes.
Chris Parmelee - Parmelee has always hit well in the minors, including crushing AAA pitching last year to the tune of .338/.457/.645 with 17 homers in 64 games and as he's just 25 years old there's still hope, but it is fading and fading quickly. He's hitting just .223/.302/.346 so far this year, and believe it or not that's only a slight regression from where he was in last season's late audition when he was terrible.
To put it in perspective, that OPS he's sporting is about what you'd expect from a typical Alexi Casilla season, and considering Parmelee is a poor fielder and not a good baserunner he's clearly been one of the least valuable players on the team this year (and his -0.4 WAR backs me up). Since his only possible positions are ones of premium offensive importance (1B/RF) and he offers little besides his bat, things don't look good. He's not showing the power he displayed at AAA and complimenting that by walking less and striking out more. Other than all that things are going great.
Brian Dozier - Might as well follow up one big disappointment with another, because Dozier flat stinks, hitting just .230/.284/.340 and basically performing like a slightly non-broke man's Drew Butera without the premium defense and a tough position. Actually although he's a pretty horrendous shortstop he's been decent second basemen, but decent fielding can't offset that piss poor hitting or whatever it is he's doing up there.
The saddest part of all of this is that thanks to his solid fielding and good base-running (fangraphs has him as the #2 base-runner on the team which includes things like going from 1st to 3rd on a single and what-not) Dozier actually ranks as the 4th best Twin position player this year by WAR (behind Mauer, Florimon - more on him later, and Morneau). That's not a positive regarding Dozier, more of an indictment of how awful the Twins have been seeing as how he ranks 62nd out of the 86 players in the majors who qualify for the batting title in WAR. I've pretty much given up on this guy.
Trevor Plouffe - Plouffe hasn't been able to follow up on his torrid streak last year where he hit 13 homers in 22 games, making Danny Valencia expendable (well, more expendable) and finishing with 24 homers on the year (the most for a Twin 3B since Corey Koskie's 25 in 2004) but he does seem to be settling in to the kind of player we could expect year after year. It's pretty good, and would be very good if he was a better fielder.
Plouffe's value almost solely comes from his bat, and his year he's hitting .264/.344/.457 and should end up in the vicinity of 20 homers again assuming no more injuries. Plouffe's OPS of .801 ranks 6th in the AL among third basemen, which is great but is offset by his fielding. Plouffe's cut down on his errors, which is encouraging, but his range is the fourth worst in the AL among 3Bs (as imprecise as this is). I don't know if you can teach range, so at this point he probably is what he is: a guy with stone feet who will hit around .260 each year with about 20 dingers and walk a little. Good enough for you? Good enough for me, provided he continues to clean up his fielding.
Pedro Florimon - He isn't a guy who I even dreamed about thinking about the possibility of him being in the Twins' future when contention time rolls around again (please roll around again) but it's not out of the realm of possibility. Granted he's a pretty terrible hitter (slightly better than Dozier this year, though) but his fielding and base running (7 steals in 7 attempts helps here quite a bit) have turned him into the second most valuable Twin so far this year with a 1.4 WAR. Yes, once again this mostly just means the Twins are really horrible, but comparing him league wide yields some eye opening results.
Among all shortstops in the major leagues, Florimon ranks 1st in range, and ranks 3rd in overall fielding value since he makes too many errors right now. Add in some excellent base running (tops on the team, fourth among all big league shortstops, and despite floundering around at the plate Florimon is the 8th most valuable shortstop in the majors, all things considered. It seems a bit bizarre I'll grant you, and fielding and base running metrics aren't an exact science, but he does pass the eye test there as well so it's close enough for me. He has increased his power and his walk rate this year compared to last, and although at 27 we're probably past time for a big breakout if it was coming (and his minor league numbers suggest that it certainly wasn't) Florimon should end up sticking around for a while as either your slick fielding number 9 hitter or defensive whiz substitution guy, both of which are far from where I had originally though he'd be which is the California Penal League where they don't wear caps or sleeves.
Glen Perkins - I was of the opinion that Perkins was a half-way decent set-up guy of the dime a dozen type who would probably manage to get a few saves and hopefully the Twins would trade him because saves are so overvalued. I still think they should probably trade him, but now, with him proving to be nearly unhittable (WHIP 0.82/OAV .165 - both 4th best in the AL) and striking out 12.62 per 9 innings (7th best), and being under team control until 2016 if they decide to roll with him as their future closer, I can deal.
That being said, they would be foolish not to at least listen to offers come trade deadline time. Perkins has been great, but closers are notoriously volatile and the Twins likely won't really even need a closer until 2015 at the earliest, so a contender with closer issues like Detroit (yes, even though GASP they're in the same division) or Arizona or Boston or somebody might be willing to drastically overpay from a prospect perspective. If somebody is willing to give you a legit prospect or even a young established player at a greater position of need (would Detroit give up Rick Porcello, for example?) wouldn't you have to do it? I guess this all depends on how you value closers. If you're like me and think most closers are interchangeable with their set-up men then yes. If you're wrong, then no.
That's about it outside of the starting staff (who I will look at in an upcoming post because geez what a mess that is). I could go through a couple of other guys with questions like "Can Eduardo Escobar help justify the Francisco Liriano trade by becoming the next Denny Hocking/Jeff Reboulet type?" (No, notwhite gritty enough) or "Can Wilkin Ramirez stick around?" (Honestly I don't even know if he's still on the team) but that doesn't really seem like something I'm going to do.
Chris Parmelee - Parmelee has always hit well in the minors, including crushing AAA pitching last year to the tune of .338/.457/.645 with 17 homers in 64 games and as he's just 25 years old there's still hope, but it is fading and fading quickly. He's hitting just .223/.302/.346 so far this year, and believe it or not that's only a slight regression from where he was in last season's late audition when he was terrible.
To put it in perspective, that OPS he's sporting is about what you'd expect from a typical Alexi Casilla season, and considering Parmelee is a poor fielder and not a good baserunner he's clearly been one of the least valuable players on the team this year (and his -0.4 WAR backs me up). Since his only possible positions are ones of premium offensive importance (1B/RF) and he offers little besides his bat, things don't look good. He's not showing the power he displayed at AAA and complimenting that by walking less and striking out more. Other than all that things are going great.
Brian Dozier - Might as well follow up one big disappointment with another, because Dozier flat stinks, hitting just .230/.284/.340 and basically performing like a slightly non-broke man's Drew Butera without the premium defense and a tough position. Actually although he's a pretty horrendous shortstop he's been decent second basemen, but decent fielding can't offset that piss poor hitting or whatever it is he's doing up there.
The saddest part of all of this is that thanks to his solid fielding and good base-running (fangraphs has him as the #2 base-runner on the team which includes things like going from 1st to 3rd on a single and what-not) Dozier actually ranks as the 4th best Twin position player this year by WAR (behind Mauer, Florimon - more on him later, and Morneau). That's not a positive regarding Dozier, more of an indictment of how awful the Twins have been seeing as how he ranks 62nd out of the 86 players in the majors who qualify for the batting title in WAR. I've pretty much given up on this guy.
Trevor Plouffe - Plouffe hasn't been able to follow up on his torrid streak last year where he hit 13 homers in 22 games, making Danny Valencia expendable (well, more expendable) and finishing with 24 homers on the year (the most for a Twin 3B since Corey Koskie's 25 in 2004) but he does seem to be settling in to the kind of player we could expect year after year. It's pretty good, and would be very good if he was a better fielder.
Plouffe's value almost solely comes from his bat, and his year he's hitting .264/.344/.457 and should end up in the vicinity of 20 homers again assuming no more injuries. Plouffe's OPS of .801 ranks 6th in the AL among third basemen, which is great but is offset by his fielding. Plouffe's cut down on his errors, which is encouraging, but his range is the fourth worst in the AL among 3Bs (as imprecise as this is). I don't know if you can teach range, so at this point he probably is what he is: a guy with stone feet who will hit around .260 each year with about 20 dingers and walk a little. Good enough for you? Good enough for me, provided he continues to clean up his fielding.
Pedro Florimon - He isn't a guy who I even dreamed about thinking about the possibility of him being in the Twins' future when contention time rolls around again (please roll around again) but it's not out of the realm of possibility. Granted he's a pretty terrible hitter (slightly better than Dozier this year, though) but his fielding and base running (7 steals in 7 attempts helps here quite a bit) have turned him into the second most valuable Twin so far this year with a 1.4 WAR. Yes, once again this mostly just means the Twins are really horrible, but comparing him league wide yields some eye opening results.
Among all shortstops in the major leagues, Florimon ranks 1st in range, and ranks 3rd in overall fielding value since he makes too many errors right now. Add in some excellent base running (tops on the team, fourth among all big league shortstops, and despite floundering around at the plate Florimon is the 8th most valuable shortstop in the majors, all things considered. It seems a bit bizarre I'll grant you, and fielding and base running metrics aren't an exact science, but he does pass the eye test there as well so it's close enough for me. He has increased his power and his walk rate this year compared to last, and although at 27 we're probably past time for a big breakout if it was coming (and his minor league numbers suggest that it certainly wasn't) Florimon should end up sticking around for a while as either your slick fielding number 9 hitter or defensive whiz substitution guy, both of which are far from where I had originally though he'd be which is the California Penal League where they don't wear caps or sleeves.
Glen Perkins - I was of the opinion that Perkins was a half-way decent set-up guy of the dime a dozen type who would probably manage to get a few saves and hopefully the Twins would trade him because saves are so overvalued. I still think they should probably trade him, but now, with him proving to be nearly unhittable (WHIP 0.82/OAV .165 - both 4th best in the AL) and striking out 12.62 per 9 innings (7th best), and being under team control until 2016 if they decide to roll with him as their future closer, I can deal.
That being said, they would be foolish not to at least listen to offers come trade deadline time. Perkins has been great, but closers are notoriously volatile and the Twins likely won't really even need a closer until 2015 at the earliest, so a contender with closer issues like Detroit (yes, even though GASP they're in the same division) or Arizona or Boston or somebody might be willing to drastically overpay from a prospect perspective. If somebody is willing to give you a legit prospect or even a young established player at a greater position of need (would Detroit give up Rick Porcello, for example?) wouldn't you have to do it? I guess this all depends on how you value closers. If you're like me and think most closers are interchangeable with their set-up men then yes. If you're wrong, then no.
That's about it outside of the starting staff (who I will look at in an upcoming post because geez what a mess that is). I could go through a couple of other guys with questions like "Can Eduardo Escobar help justify the Francisco Liriano trade by becoming the next Denny Hocking/Jeff Reboulet type?" (No, not
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Fun with Nerd Stats
I was doing some work in Excel on my data and formulas for player props, and came across some interesting stats that I found interesting. So look:
- B.J. Upton is having an absolutely terrible year, and a big reason is pop-ups. Upton has a major league worst 30.2% in-field fly ball rate with 13 pop-ups in 192 plate appearances, a big reason why his BABIP is so low at just .208. Upton is also striking out 33.9% of the time, which means 64.1% of his plate appearances end with him having zero chance of getting on base. So if every Upton ground ball and fly ball managed to find a hole and he hit 1.000 on those, he'd still only be hitting .360. That's preposterous. Also from a Twins' perspective Josh Willingham's pop-up rate of 22.4% and K rate of 26.4% are a pretty bad combo too. He needs to get it together so they can trade him this summer for something halfway decent.
- There are 8 players who have yet to pop out this year, and they range from slap hitters (Ruben Tejada, Jose Altuve, Howie Kendrick), awesome hitters (Joey Votto, Mike Trout), really shocking guys who you'd think popped out every five minutes (Ryan Howard), guys I've never heard of (Jason Castro), and asians (Shin-Soo Choo).
- The following players have more walks than strikeouts so far this year: Dustin Pedroia, Coco Crisp, Marco Scutaro, and Norichika Aoki. That is an epically annoying group of players.
- Ervin Santana (13/13), Dan Haren (12/9), and Kevin Correia (13/12) are all contenders for the Bronson Arroyo Memorial Club of pitchers who give up more homers than walks in a season, but if anyone is a lock to join the group it's got to be Bartolo Colon with 7 homers and 4 walks allowed so far. It seems he's decided to absolutely not walk anybody this year, and if history holds and he makes around 30 starts he should give up around 20 homers. At his current walk rate he'll come in under that, but who knows if it will hold? He's never walked this few batters in his career, but it seems to be working for him so far (3.33 ERA, 3.34 FIP). Maybe even crazier? He's only had a single 3-0 count this entire season.
- Fastest average fastball velocity for any starter is Stephen Strasburg at 95.4 mph with the slowest 81.1 mph by R.A. Dicky (slowest non-gimmick pitcher FB is Barry Zito at 83.4). Fastest average fastball period goes to Detroit's Bruce Rondon at 99.3 mph (Aroldis Chapman is fourth at 97.1). Glen Perkins throws the fastest heater of any Twin at 94.5 mph, with the team's hardest throwing starter, Mike Pelfrey, averages 91.8 mph and every single thing I wrote in that last sentence is totally gross.
- More Twins stuff:
- Shin-Soo Choo completely crushes fastballs, Carlos Gomez (Snacks -> hi) kills the curve, while Chris Davis smokes sliders (Willingham is second here) and Evan Longoria owns the change-up (followed by Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzki which is notable because all three are on $nake and I's fantasy team). On the flip side, fastballs confuse Ruben Tejada, John Buck is owned by the curve, Nelson Cruz can't hit a slider, and Matt Wieters is always fooled by a change.
- Lastly, the best heater in the bigs goes to Cliff Lee (Clayton Kershaw runner-up), best curve to Adam Wainwright (A.J. Burnett) - neither a big surprise, best slider belongs to Yu Darvish (Justin Masterson), best change to Marco Estrada (Cole Hamels), best cutter to Travis Wood (Clay Buchholz), and best splitter (people still throw this?) to Hisashi Iwakuma (Ryan Dempster) and no, not many people throw it.
- B.J. Upton is having an absolutely terrible year, and a big reason is pop-ups. Upton has a major league worst 30.2% in-field fly ball rate with 13 pop-ups in 192 plate appearances, a big reason why his BABIP is so low at just .208. Upton is also striking out 33.9% of the time, which means 64.1% of his plate appearances end with him having zero chance of getting on base. So if every Upton ground ball and fly ball managed to find a hole and he hit 1.000 on those, he'd still only be hitting .360. That's preposterous. Also from a Twins' perspective Josh Willingham's pop-up rate of 22.4% and K rate of 26.4% are a pretty bad combo too. He needs to get it together so they can trade him this summer for something halfway decent.
- There are 8 players who have yet to pop out this year, and they range from slap hitters (Ruben Tejada, Jose Altuve, Howie Kendrick), awesome hitters (Joey Votto, Mike Trout), really shocking guys who you'd think popped out every five minutes (Ryan Howard), guys I've never heard of (Jason Castro), and asians (Shin-Soo Choo).
- The following players have more walks than strikeouts so far this year: Dustin Pedroia, Coco Crisp, Marco Scutaro, and Norichika Aoki. That is an epically annoying group of players.
- Ervin Santana (13/13), Dan Haren (12/9), and Kevin Correia (13/12) are all contenders for the Bronson Arroyo Memorial Club of pitchers who give up more homers than walks in a season, but if anyone is a lock to join the group it's got to be Bartolo Colon with 7 homers and 4 walks allowed so far. It seems he's decided to absolutely not walk anybody this year, and if history holds and he makes around 30 starts he should give up around 20 homers. At his current walk rate he'll come in under that, but who knows if it will hold? He's never walked this few batters in his career, but it seems to be working for him so far (3.33 ERA, 3.34 FIP). Maybe even crazier? He's only had a single 3-0 count this entire season.
- Fastest average fastball velocity for any starter is Stephen Strasburg at 95.4 mph with the slowest 81.1 mph by R.A. Dicky (slowest non-gimmick pitcher FB is Barry Zito at 83.4). Fastest average fastball period goes to Detroit's Bruce Rondon at 99.3 mph (Aroldis Chapman is fourth at 97.1). Glen Perkins throws the fastest heater of any Twin at 94.5 mph, with the team's hardest throwing starter, Mike Pelfrey, averages 91.8 mph and every single thing I wrote in that last sentence is totally gross.
- More Twins stuff:
- Best Fastball (by results/value): Perkins
- Worst Fastball: Pelfrey
- Best Curve: Ryan Pressly
- Worst Curve: Scott Diamond
- Best Slider: Pressly
- Worst Slider: Perkins
- Best Change-Up: Jared Burton
- Worst Change: Pedro Hernandez
- Casey Fien and Josh Roenicke also have very good cutters, while Vance Worley has one that is completely god awful
- Best Fastball Hitter: Joe Mauer (and it's not even close - he crushes fastballs - runnerup: Eduardo Escobar)
- Best Curveball Hitter: Mauer (Trevor Plouffe)
- Best Slider Hitter: Josh Willingham (Plouffe)
- Best Change-Up Hitter: Mauer (Oswaldo Arcia)
- Most Aggressive Hitter: Wilkin Ramirez (runner up: Arcia)
- Best Eye: Brian Dozier (Jamey Carroll)
- Best Baserunner: Pedro Florimon (Aaron Hicks)
- Worst Baserunner: Plouffe (Chris Parmelee)
- Best Fielder: Justin Morneau (Florimon)
- Worst Fielder: Plouffe (Hicks - advanced stats have his range as terrible, advanced fielding stats still suck)
- Shin-Soo Choo completely crushes fastballs, Carlos Gomez (Snacks -> hi) kills the curve, while Chris Davis smokes sliders (Willingham is second here) and Evan Longoria owns the change-up (followed by Carlos Gonzalez and Troy Tulowitzki which is notable because all three are on $nake and I's fantasy team). On the flip side, fastballs confuse Ruben Tejada, John Buck is owned by the curve, Nelson Cruz can't hit a slider, and Matt Wieters is always fooled by a change.
- Lastly, the best heater in the bigs goes to Cliff Lee (Clayton Kershaw runner-up), best curve to Adam Wainwright (A.J. Burnett) - neither a big surprise, best slider belongs to Yu Darvish (Justin Masterson), best change to Marco Estrada (Cole Hamels), best cutter to Travis Wood (Clay Buchholz), and best splitter (people still throw this?) to Hisashi Iwakuma (Ryan Dempster) and no, not many people throw it.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Canada was awesome, dude.
- The fishing trip was a rousing success. Tell me how this sounds to you: Five full days of fishing in 60 degree sunny weather catching walleye after walleye with an occasional Northern Jackfish thrown in. I ended up catching 235 Walleye and 50 Jacks, which is pretty incredible, and mostly with decent size. I topped out with a 35 inch Pike and 25 inch Walleye, while Bear won the week with a 30 inch Walleye and a 43 inch Jack and finished at the top of the weekly Yahtzee standings as well. I know Bogart grabbed a 26 Walleye (and won the end of the week Yahtzee tournament) and Dawger had a 37 Pike and was at the helm when I got my two biggest fish so it's not like anybody got shut out. Many beers were drank, much vodka was consumed, many fish were caught, one night was particularly hilarious, and overall it was just an outstanding trip. Basically the trip of a lifetime, and along with my trip to Italy with the wife and baseball trip out east with my dad and bro I've had 3 of them now. Pretty lucky dude.
Having been out of both internet and cell service areas for over a week, I've missed a lot. So I'll try to catch up.
- It appears the Twins have done well since I've been gone, winning six of their last seven, which is good. Even though Seattle is shitty and Milwaukee is even shittier it still means something that they're beating these shitty teams instead of losing like they were doing for a while. Instead of trying to go over these games, which would be impossible, I want to make two Twins' related points:
1. Aaron Hicks has hit .286 (8/28) in these seven games, and has now raised his season average all the way up to .173 (and yes, all the way is supposed to be sarcastic). His walks are way down compared to earlier in the season (to be fair, his strikeouts are too), but I would guess that's a result of pitchers forcing him to hit and refusing to walk him until he proves he can punish them if they groove it. His 3-4 day with 2 XBH today will certainly help. His season line now stands at .173/.246/.335, which is really pretty awful, but there are plenty of other underachievers, and veterans at that, who are putting up similar numbers at this early stage. B.J. Upton (.153/.236/.252), Jason Heyward (.142/.283/.236), Dustin Ackley (.205/.266/.250), Josh Reddick (.170/.280/.270), and Ben Revere (.251/.293/.287) are all notable names, for one reason or another, who are performing on a similar level. So what I'm saying is, if you've given up on Hicks already you're an idiot. And you probably are anyway and you probably like Big Bang Theory, Olive Garden, and Nickelback.
2. Glen Perkins is having a really good year out of the pen. His two blown saves were gross and he's had a couple poor outings in non-save situations, but overall an ERA of 3.05 (with a FIP of 2.31 which is really, really good) with 14+ Ks per nine and 5 Ks per walk is really, really effing good. I'm hopeful the Twins end up trading him for something good at the deadline because saves are overvalued like a mofo, but that's not what I found fascinating looking at stuff today. What's fascinating is the Perkins, in his 20 innings this year he has more Ks than Kevin Correia in his 70, Mike Pelfrey in 50, or Vance Worley in 48. Also Scott Diamond in his 50, and any other pitcher on the team. Yes, Glen Perkins leads the Twins in strikeouts. And you want to know who is third? Jared Burton. If it weren't so sad it would be hilarious. And sad.
- Man oh man I think the Royals might be cursed or haunted or something. Mike Moustakas was a top 10 prospect in all of baseball a couple of years ago, and this year his stats resemble Aaron Hicks but with no speed and less power coming from a more premium offensive position. Eric Hosmer was the #5 prospect at one point and he's hitting on a level equal to Eduardo Escobar, but with slightly less power which is awful enough but as a 1B it's just horrendous. And that's hardly the only issues they've had. Most of their top pitching prospects have either gotten hurt or flamed out, and the ones who have looked ok are either stuck in the bullpen or got traded (and don't forget, Luke Hochevar was the #1 overall pick in 2006 and after seven years is finally having his first decent year - but as a middle reliever). It's yet another example of "potential" not translating to actual performance, and maybe the most dramatic one outside of this year's Lakers.
- Last year I said that shutting down Stephen Strasburg after 159 innings in a season when you have legitimate World Series hopes was a stupid, stupid move. Throwing away a tangible benefit (having one of the best pitchers in baseball on your side in the playoffs) for some unprovable, perhaps even hypothetical future benefit (Strasburg's future health) rarely works out, and now he ended up leaving his start last Friday after just two innings with an oblique strain. I'm not sure how bad that actually is or if he'll miss any games, but it should help serve as a warning to other teams in similar situations in the future. Play your best when that window is open, because nobody knows how quickly it could shut - just ask the OKC Thunder.
- This was pretty neat:
- After being a pretty big backer of the Pitino hire and the system he's going to be bringing to the Gophers, as time has passed and I've been looking at things more rationally I'm getting more nervous that next year may be a disaster. Let's assume for a minute that Pitino is able to force other teams into a more up-and-down type game than is generally played in the Big 10 (a pretty big assumption, granted, that may actually be the key next year anyway). A more uptempo game results in more possessions, and traditionally the more possessions in a game the more likely the more talented team will in - is that really the position the Gophers want to put themselves in next year? With that mish-mash of a front court? Pitino's goal is something that has rarely been done successfully in the Big 10 with only Ohio State in 2011 finishing above .500 in conference with one of the fastest paced teams (top 100) in the country going back to 2005. That team had elite talent, this Minnesota team doesn't and really has only two players you could call above average. My confidence is wavering, and wavering significantly. I'm now terrified for next year.
And speaking of that mish mash of a front court, the Gophers signed on Drake transfer Joey King, formerly of East View, giving them a Minnesota presence and another bigger body if he gets the waiver he's looking for to make him eligible next year (the ole "move home because of a family situation" waiver). There are a lot of conflicting opinions on King. On the one hand, he was on the MVC All-Freshman team last year after averaging 7 pts and 3 rebs per game, which is decent for freshman and the MVC was a quality league last year (and he played some of his best ball against the best - 17 vs. Creighton, 15 vs. Wichita, and 21 vs. Xavier). The bad news is despite being 6-9 he was just a slightly better rebounder than Joe Coleman (RIP) last season, shot more twos than threes, and only took 20% of his shots at the rim last year which was less than Julian Welch last year.
Basically King is, potentially, a good stretch 4 which is what Pitino is looking for. However, along with Osenieks and Buggs that gives them three of those with only one true post player, meaning that Mo Walker may very well end up being the key to the season. Read that again. Think about it. Digest it for a minute. How does that feel? I feel yucky.
- Oh yeah, Epic was a pretty sweet kids movie. You should go see it and stuff.
Having been out of both internet and cell service areas for over a week, I've missed a lot. So I'll try to catch up.
- It appears the Twins have done well since I've been gone, winning six of their last seven, which is good. Even though Seattle is shitty and Milwaukee is even shittier it still means something that they're beating these shitty teams instead of losing like they were doing for a while. Instead of trying to go over these games, which would be impossible, I want to make two Twins' related points:
1. Aaron Hicks has hit .286 (8/28) in these seven games, and has now raised his season average all the way up to .173 (and yes, all the way is supposed to be sarcastic). His walks are way down compared to earlier in the season (to be fair, his strikeouts are too), but I would guess that's a result of pitchers forcing him to hit and refusing to walk him until he proves he can punish them if they groove it. His 3-4 day with 2 XBH today will certainly help. His season line now stands at .173/.246/.335, which is really pretty awful, but there are plenty of other underachievers, and veterans at that, who are putting up similar numbers at this early stage. B.J. Upton (.153/.236/.252), Jason Heyward (.142/.283/.236), Dustin Ackley (.205/.266/.250), Josh Reddick (.170/.280/.270), and Ben Revere (.251/.293/.287) are all notable names, for one reason or another, who are performing on a similar level. So what I'm saying is, if you've given up on Hicks already you're an idiot. And you probably are anyway and you probably like Big Bang Theory, Olive Garden, and Nickelback.
2. Glen Perkins is having a really good year out of the pen. His two blown saves were gross and he's had a couple poor outings in non-save situations, but overall an ERA of 3.05 (with a FIP of 2.31 which is really, really good) with 14+ Ks per nine and 5 Ks per walk is really, really effing good. I'm hopeful the Twins end up trading him for something good at the deadline because saves are overvalued like a mofo, but that's not what I found fascinating looking at stuff today. What's fascinating is the Perkins, in his 20 innings this year he has more Ks than Kevin Correia in his 70, Mike Pelfrey in 50, or Vance Worley in 48. Also Scott Diamond in his 50, and any other pitcher on the team. Yes, Glen Perkins leads the Twins in strikeouts. And you want to know who is third? Jared Burton. If it weren't so sad it would be hilarious. And sad.
- Man oh man I think the Royals might be cursed or haunted or something. Mike Moustakas was a top 10 prospect in all of baseball a couple of years ago, and this year his stats resemble Aaron Hicks but with no speed and less power coming from a more premium offensive position. Eric Hosmer was the #5 prospect at one point and he's hitting on a level equal to Eduardo Escobar, but with slightly less power which is awful enough but as a 1B it's just horrendous. And that's hardly the only issues they've had. Most of their top pitching prospects have either gotten hurt or flamed out, and the ones who have looked ok are either stuck in the bullpen or got traded (and don't forget, Luke Hochevar was the #1 overall pick in 2006 and after seven years is finally having his first decent year - but as a middle reliever). It's yet another example of "potential" not translating to actual performance, and maybe the most dramatic one outside of this year's Lakers.
- Last year I said that shutting down Stephen Strasburg after 159 innings in a season when you have legitimate World Series hopes was a stupid, stupid move. Throwing away a tangible benefit (having one of the best pitchers in baseball on your side in the playoffs) for some unprovable, perhaps even hypothetical future benefit (Strasburg's future health) rarely works out, and now he ended up leaving his start last Friday after just two innings with an oblique strain. I'm not sure how bad that actually is or if he'll miss any games, but it should help serve as a warning to other teams in similar situations in the future. Play your best when that window is open, because nobody knows how quickly it could shut - just ask the OKC Thunder.
- This was pretty neat:
- After being a pretty big backer of the Pitino hire and the system he's going to be bringing to the Gophers, as time has passed and I've been looking at things more rationally I'm getting more nervous that next year may be a disaster. Let's assume for a minute that Pitino is able to force other teams into a more up-and-down type game than is generally played in the Big 10 (a pretty big assumption, granted, that may actually be the key next year anyway). A more uptempo game results in more possessions, and traditionally the more possessions in a game the more likely the more talented team will in - is that really the position the Gophers want to put themselves in next year? With that mish-mash of a front court? Pitino's goal is something that has rarely been done successfully in the Big 10 with only Ohio State in 2011 finishing above .500 in conference with one of the fastest paced teams (top 100) in the country going back to 2005. That team had elite talent, this Minnesota team doesn't and really has only two players you could call above average. My confidence is wavering, and wavering significantly. I'm now terrified for next year.
And speaking of that mish mash of a front court, the Gophers signed on Drake transfer Joey King, formerly of East View, giving them a Minnesota presence and another bigger body if he gets the waiver he's looking for to make him eligible next year (the ole "move home because of a family situation" waiver). There are a lot of conflicting opinions on King. On the one hand, he was on the MVC All-Freshman team last year after averaging 7 pts and 3 rebs per game, which is decent for freshman and the MVC was a quality league last year (and he played some of his best ball against the best - 17 vs. Creighton, 15 vs. Wichita, and 21 vs. Xavier). The bad news is despite being 6-9 he was just a slightly better rebounder than Joe Coleman (RIP) last season, shot more twos than threes, and only took 20% of his shots at the rim last year which was less than Julian Welch last year.
Basically King is, potentially, a good stretch 4 which is what Pitino is looking for. However, along with Osenieks and Buggs that gives them three of those with only one true post player, meaning that Mo Walker may very well end up being the key to the season. Read that again. Think about it. Digest it for a minute. How does that feel? I feel yucky.
- Oh yeah, Epic was a pretty sweet kids movie. You should go see it and stuff.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Joe Coleman to Transfer? (and some other stuff)
- The big news tonight is that Joe Coleman is considering transferring from the Gopher hoops squad with a meeting planned with Coach Pitino Wednesday to discuss his future, a meeting I'd wager was initiated by Coleman after seeing this giant influx of perimeter players. This, in my not remotely humble opinion, would be a mistake by both parties.
Although Coleman may have a rough outside shot and is the worst defender on the team (particularly off the ball) and has the game of a 4 in the body of a 2, he's still a valuable player and should fit in with Pitino's system quite well. Coleman seems to excel when he can get out and run and use his almost unreal ability to score in the paint for a little guy. In the half court his weaknesses (and we might as well throw sub-par ball handling and decision making in there as well) are magnified, but in a more free flowing game he can excel with his athleticism, which allows him to gamble on defense for steals (which he could do more easily with Pitino than Tubby). It would be hard for Coleman to find a better system for his skill set, and it would be hard for the Gophers to replace his production for next year at this late date so it really doesn't make any sense for him to leave. Though if he does it makes a lot more sense to go after Malik Smith (referenced below in a bullet point I wrote before all this Coleman shit broke out)
And now that I glance at Twitter in order to make a comment about Harrison Barnes looking good I see everyone is now suddenly reporting that Coleman has asked for his release. Unless Pitino was like "Hey Joe why don't you go" with the intention of bringing Smith in this is just a baffling decision by Coleman. And, frankly, it sucks. No matter what you think about Coleman (and he clearly had his faults) I really think he would have thrived under Pitino. I guess we'll see by tomorrow what's true and what isn't. All of this is a little bit baffling. I think pretty much every transfer during the Tubby era made some sense (maybe with the exception of Iverson) but this one has me confused. I'll be interested to see what leaks in the next few days (if it turns out to be true).
- With Wednesday being the last day to sign recruits for the 2013-2014 season and nobody on the Gophers radar it appears the Gophers will be looking at snagging a transfer in order to fill out the roster. Right now Malik Smith, formerly of FIU, Tarik Black, formerly of Memphis, Rakeem Buckles, formerly of Louisville, and Joey King, formerly of Drake, look to be the candidates. Black is the definite prize of the group, but he's being chased by teams like Duke and Kansas which makes him a pretty big longshot. Smith averaged 14 points per game last season at FIU as a junior, but he's yet another guard and after signing Daquean McNeil and Dre Mathieu a big man would seem to be a better option which is why, among other reasons, the most likely new Gopher will be either Buckles, King, or both.
Buckles, who was with Pitino at Louisville before following him to FIU, is looking to transfer from FIU and Minnesota makes the most sense. He's a power forward who has been injury prone but talented and he's a senior which means he'd not only (most likely) be eligible right way but also would only take up a scholarship for one season, both of which are attractive to a new coach trying to build a program using his players. King, a 6-9 PF with a nice outside shot, is from Eagan and is looking to transfer closer to home due to some personal issues of some sort, meaning he'd likely get a waiver and be eligible this year just like Buckles, but he still has three years of playing eligibility. It sounds like his game would fit what Pitino wants, it's just a matter of if he's good enough (7pts & 3rebs in 19 minutes per game for Drake last year with outbursts of 21 pts twice including vs. Xavier). There are conflicting reports on whether or not he's been contacted by the Gophers or contacted the Gophers with some reports he's been asked to come in as a walk-on. So who knows, but the team probably needs at least one of those two for next season seeing as a front court of Eliason, Walker, Oto, and Buggsy is what some might call really pretty bad.
- I'm sure most people who would be interested have already checked out this Hicks catch, but here it is again.
I don't think it beats Revere's from last season, but that's a pretty damn good play.
- Also, Glen Perkins really likes nerd stats.
- Congrats to stryker, who wins a DVD/Blu-ray copy of the Sandlot by being chosen at random from those who left a comment below the post about The Sandlot. Just think, it could have been you if you weren't so damn lazy.
- I think, seeing as how we're a cynical and sarcastic society and bloggers seem to lead the league in both, that I'm supposed to hate the new Vikings Stadium but I actually like it. Retractable roof wasn't feasible due to budget and keeping in mind they had a limited space to build and couldn't turn it into a giant corporate like campus area, I think the design looks pretty good. I understand how somebody could hate it with all the glass and what not, but I dig the look.
- Andrew Wiggins, the #1 prospect for the 2013 college basketball season, is taking his talents to Kansas for next year, ending speculation that he was heading for Florida State (both his parents were athletes at FSU) and pretty much guaranteeing that the Florida State/Gopher game at the barn is going to be so boring I'm going to want to die. Remember when Georgia Tech came here when they had Bosh? The Jackets sucked, the Gophers sucked, but it didn't matter because Bosh was fun to watch. And Wiggins is supposed to be way, way better than Bosh ever was in college.
- One of the things I said would be good about this Twins' season is that they'd be in a full rebuilding period which would mean we'd get extended looks at some guys and be able to get a handle on who has a future with the team and who doesn't. Although the jury is still out on pretty much all the young players I've made my decision on one of them: Chris Parmelee is freaking terrible. After this year he'll probably spend a year or two bouncing between the bigs and AAA and eventually be waived and end up doing the same thing for another team. In reality a pretty nice living that I would kill for, but it's over as far as him being the future of anything -other than like, really good softball player.
- Lastly, I got my Ontario Fishing License today. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but a week from Thursday I'd heading off to Canada for a week long fishing trip to Lac Seul which is a 9 hour drive and 3 hour boat ride away with Dawger, Bear, Bogart, Bogart's dad, and a bunch of old people. We will have no internet access and very little cell service which frankly sounds kind of awesome so you'll have to be in TRE's capable hands for a week so hopefully he can post some stuff that doesn't suck. Why would you drive that far just to fish, you may ask if you're some kind of gay. This is why:
Although Coleman may have a rough outside shot and is the worst defender on the team (particularly off the ball) and has the game of a 4 in the body of a 2, he's still a valuable player and should fit in with Pitino's system quite well. Coleman seems to excel when he can get out and run and use his almost unreal ability to score in the paint for a little guy. In the half court his weaknesses (and we might as well throw sub-par ball handling and decision making in there as well) are magnified, but in a more free flowing game he can excel with his athleticism, which allows him to gamble on defense for steals (which he could do more easily with Pitino than Tubby). It would be hard for Coleman to find a better system for his skill set, and it would be hard for the Gophers to replace his production for next year at this late date so it really doesn't make any sense for him to leave. Though if he does it makes a lot more sense to go after Malik Smith (referenced below in a bullet point I wrote before all this Coleman shit broke out)
And now that I glance at Twitter in order to make a comment about Harrison Barnes looking good I see everyone is now suddenly reporting that Coleman has asked for his release. Unless Pitino was like "Hey Joe why don't you go" with the intention of bringing Smith in this is just a baffling decision by Coleman. And, frankly, it sucks. No matter what you think about Coleman (and he clearly had his faults) I really think he would have thrived under Pitino. I guess we'll see by tomorrow what's true and what isn't. All of this is a little bit baffling. I think pretty much every transfer during the Tubby era made some sense (maybe with the exception of Iverson) but this one has me confused. I'll be interested to see what leaks in the next few days (if it turns out to be true).
- With Wednesday being the last day to sign recruits for the 2013-2014 season and nobody on the Gophers radar it appears the Gophers will be looking at snagging a transfer in order to fill out the roster. Right now Malik Smith, formerly of FIU, Tarik Black, formerly of Memphis, Rakeem Buckles, formerly of Louisville, and Joey King, formerly of Drake, look to be the candidates. Black is the definite prize of the group, but he's being chased by teams like Duke and Kansas which makes him a pretty big longshot. Smith averaged 14 points per game last season at FIU as a junior, but he's yet another guard and after signing Daquean McNeil and Dre Mathieu a big man would seem to be a better option which is why, among other reasons, the most likely new Gopher will be either Buckles, King, or both.
Buckles, who was with Pitino at Louisville before following him to FIU, is looking to transfer from FIU and Minnesota makes the most sense. He's a power forward who has been injury prone but talented and he's a senior which means he'd not only (most likely) be eligible right way but also would only take up a scholarship for one season, both of which are attractive to a new coach trying to build a program using his players. King, a 6-9 PF with a nice outside shot, is from Eagan and is looking to transfer closer to home due to some personal issues of some sort, meaning he'd likely get a waiver and be eligible this year just like Buckles, but he still has three years of playing eligibility. It sounds like his game would fit what Pitino wants, it's just a matter of if he's good enough (7pts & 3rebs in 19 minutes per game for Drake last year with outbursts of 21 pts twice including vs. Xavier). There are conflicting reports on whether or not he's been contacted by the Gophers or contacted the Gophers with some reports he's been asked to come in as a walk-on. So who knows, but the team probably needs at least one of those two for next season seeing as a front court of Eliason, Walker, Oto, and Buggsy is what some might call really pretty bad.
- I'm sure most people who would be interested have already checked out this Hicks catch, but here it is again.
I don't think it beats Revere's from last season, but that's a pretty damn good play.
- Also, Glen Perkins really likes nerd stats.
- Congrats to stryker, who wins a DVD/Blu-ray copy of the Sandlot by being chosen at random from those who left a comment below the post about The Sandlot. Just think, it could have been you if you weren't so damn lazy.
- I think, seeing as how we're a cynical and sarcastic society and bloggers seem to lead the league in both, that I'm supposed to hate the new Vikings Stadium but I actually like it. Retractable roof wasn't feasible due to budget and keeping in mind they had a limited space to build and couldn't turn it into a giant corporate like campus area, I think the design looks pretty good. I understand how somebody could hate it with all the glass and what not, but I dig the look.
- Andrew Wiggins, the #1 prospect for the 2013 college basketball season, is taking his talents to Kansas for next year, ending speculation that he was heading for Florida State (both his parents were athletes at FSU) and pretty much guaranteeing that the Florida State/Gopher game at the barn is going to be so boring I'm going to want to die. Remember when Georgia Tech came here when they had Bosh? The Jackets sucked, the Gophers sucked, but it didn't matter because Bosh was fun to watch. And Wiggins is supposed to be way, way better than Bosh ever was in college.
- One of the things I said would be good about this Twins' season is that they'd be in a full rebuilding period which would mean we'd get extended looks at some guys and be able to get a handle on who has a future with the team and who doesn't. Although the jury is still out on pretty much all the young players I've made my decision on one of them: Chris Parmelee is freaking terrible. After this year he'll probably spend a year or two bouncing between the bigs and AAA and eventually be waived and end up doing the same thing for another team. In reality a pretty nice living that I would kill for, but it's over as far as him being the future of anything -other than like, really good softball player.
- Lastly, I got my Ontario Fishing License today. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but a week from Thursday I'd heading off to Canada for a week long fishing trip to Lac Seul which is a 9 hour drive and 3 hour boat ride away with Dawger, Bear, Bogart, Bogart's dad, and a bunch of old people. We will have no internet access and very little cell service which frankly sounds kind of awesome so you'll have to be in TRE's capable hands for a week so hopefully he can post some stuff that doesn't suck. Why would you drive that far just to fish, you may ask if you're some kind of gay. This is why:
 | |
| This is Bogart from a prior trip, by the way. Yes, I know it's hard to believe he's a super rich and powerful attorney. |
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Twins Remain Delusional, Make no Moves at Trade Deadline
Aargh this is frustrating. Once again, the Twins made no moves at the trade deadline (outside of the Liriano deal) despite being irrefutably out of playoff contention and having players other teams covet but who don't or shouldn't figure in the team's future plans - you know, the perfect combination to make a whole bunch of trades (see: Astros, Houston). Last season the team had Jason Kubel, Michael Cuddyer, and Joe Nathan (among others) who were all going to be free agents and all could have been traded away, yet none were. I was frustrated but understood the thinking at least, given that the Twins would receive a draft pick for each once they signed somewhere else - that isn't the case this year.
There were reports of team's after Denard Span, Justin Morneau, Josh Willingham, Jared Burton, and Glen Perkins, and there was absolutely no reason to hold on to Morneau or Burton (and maybe not Perkins either, depending on your opinion of his future). At this point the Twins need to realize they're at least two more years if not more away from contending and it's time to figure out who is going to be a part of this team when it comes back around, assuming it does, and then trade everybody else. Span is still a pure leadoff hitter, and although he and Revere are somewhat redundant he's also signed to a very team friendly deal through 2015 so there's no reason to trade him unless a deal knocks you on your ass, which apparently the Reds didn't do today - although if you could get Homer Bailey and a couple good prospects I'd have pulled the trigger. Willingham's kind of in the same boat, pretty much the team's only pure power hitter who is also signed to a great contract through 2014, so I get holding on to him too. But the rest?
Morneau has a big contract, owed $14 million next year and a pro-rated $14 for the rest of this year so it might be a litter tougher to get full value back, but it was reported the Dodgers, Giants, and Blue Jays were all after him, but the Twins were asking for too much back, including a major leaguer in return and having the team that received Morneau pick up his entire contract. Well guess what? If you can't get that this year you sure as shit aren't going to get it next year when he's just going to be a two month rental for some team. At least this year whatever team traded for him would get an entire year and change out of the deal. Now? They've basically gambled that he can get himself back to a $14 million a year player, at which point they won't be able to afford to resign him after his contract is up because they're hamstrung by the Mauer deal. Best case scenario at this point is he plays out of his mind, walks, and they get a pick. Well played, Terry Ryan.
And as for Burton and Perkins? They're relievers. Relievers pretty much grow on trees. Reports are the Rangers were going after Burton and that "Perkins was in high demand today." What? For what reason would you possibly hold on to middle relievers when you aren't a contender? Perkins, maybe, if you've decided he's your closer of the future (foolish, but it at least makes some sense) but Burton? The average lifespan of a middle reliever on a team is 1.2 years, a figure I completely made up but it sounds right. From year-to-year they're notoriously unreliable, and the odds Burton is on this team when they're back in contention are basically nil. It just doesn't make a lick of sense.
Who on this team might possibly matter in the future? Mauer, because they're stuck with him. Span, Revere, Willingham, Dozier, Plouffe, and Parmelee? I mean, I like Ryan Doumit quite a bit, but on a team like the Twins he's just a placeholder so if anybody comes sniffing around him (and it sounds like nobody did this year) he's another one who should be traded. Diamond's pretty much the only starter worth penciling in your 2014 rotation, and between their lack of value and youth they'll obviously hold on to guys like DeVries, Deduno, Walters, and Hendriks, but pretty much everybody else needs to go and if they don't trade Carl Pavano at the waiver deadline I'm going to start making Molotov Cocktails.
There's no point to being shitty with old, crappy players who are going to be out of the league by the time you stop sucking. The Astros have it figured out, trading Chris Johnson, Wandy Rodriguez, Brett Myers, Brandon Lyon, J.A. Happ, and Carlos Lee in the last month. Basically everybody they knew wasn't a key building block or had no chance of developing into one. The Pirates used this basic strategy for years, and are now in line to make the playoffs for the first time since Barry Bonds couldn't throw out Sid Bream. Their leadoff hitter for most of this season (Jose Tabata) and one of their starters (Jeff Karstens) were acquired for Damaso Marte and Xavier Nady in 2008, their second guy off the bench and super utility man was acquired from the Cubs for two middle relievers in 2009, two other starters were acquired in the Nate McLouth trade (Charlie Morton) and Octavio Dotel trade (James McDonald), and they got their closer (Joel Hanrahan) for Lastings Milledge when they gave up on him. They've also got great organizational depth thanks to the sheer volume of prospects and minor leaguers they've acquired. Of course, it also helps that they've nailed the draft recently (Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, Neil Walker, Gerrit Cole, Jameson Taillon, Starling Marte) but the point stands.
And of course, what do Dick and Bert open up tonight's broadcast with? How glad they are nobody other than Liriano was traded. Honest to god I think I'd rather have Hawk Harrelson's over-the-top homer shtick than this aw shucks folksy we love these boys bullshit these two keep slingin'. No wonder the Twins' brass can get away with this, the announcers are feeding the fans this crap and they're eating it up based on what I've heard on the radio and read on the internet. It's like some sort of crazy collective delusion where everybody thinks this team is team is thisclose to being a contender again - like a cult like those Waco guys or the Mormons or Dyson Vacuum Cleaner Owners. Guess what, idiots? This is the worst version of the Twins we've seen in our lifetimes. FACT. The 1981 and 1982 editions were a worse combo than 2011 and 2012, but I was too young to care or even realize what was going on, and outside of then this is the worst two year stretch in team history. There is no quick fix. When you need to burn your house down for insurance money and then build a new, better house you don't run around swapping out a few chairs for equally shitty, but different chairs - you burn that mother down with gasoline and a bazooka. Like Beavis would.
There were reports of team's after Denard Span, Justin Morneau, Josh Willingham, Jared Burton, and Glen Perkins, and there was absolutely no reason to hold on to Morneau or Burton (and maybe not Perkins either, depending on your opinion of his future). At this point the Twins need to realize they're at least two more years if not more away from contending and it's time to figure out who is going to be a part of this team when it comes back around, assuming it does, and then trade everybody else. Span is still a pure leadoff hitter, and although he and Revere are somewhat redundant he's also signed to a very team friendly deal through 2015 so there's no reason to trade him unless a deal knocks you on your ass, which apparently the Reds didn't do today - although if you could get Homer Bailey and a couple good prospects I'd have pulled the trigger. Willingham's kind of in the same boat, pretty much the team's only pure power hitter who is also signed to a great contract through 2014, so I get holding on to him too. But the rest?
Morneau has a big contract, owed $14 million next year and a pro-rated $14 for the rest of this year so it might be a litter tougher to get full value back, but it was reported the Dodgers, Giants, and Blue Jays were all after him, but the Twins were asking for too much back, including a major leaguer in return and having the team that received Morneau pick up his entire contract. Well guess what? If you can't get that this year you sure as shit aren't going to get it next year when he's just going to be a two month rental for some team. At least this year whatever team traded for him would get an entire year and change out of the deal. Now? They've basically gambled that he can get himself back to a $14 million a year player, at which point they won't be able to afford to resign him after his contract is up because they're hamstrung by the Mauer deal. Best case scenario at this point is he plays out of his mind, walks, and they get a pick. Well played, Terry Ryan.
And as for Burton and Perkins? They're relievers. Relievers pretty much grow on trees. Reports are the Rangers were going after Burton and that "Perkins was in high demand today." What? For what reason would you possibly hold on to middle relievers when you aren't a contender? Perkins, maybe, if you've decided he's your closer of the future (foolish, but it at least makes some sense) but Burton? The average lifespan of a middle reliever on a team is 1.2 years, a figure I completely made up but it sounds right. From year-to-year they're notoriously unreliable, and the odds Burton is on this team when they're back in contention are basically nil. It just doesn't make a lick of sense.
Who on this team might possibly matter in the future? Mauer, because they're stuck with him. Span, Revere, Willingham, Dozier, Plouffe, and Parmelee? I mean, I like Ryan Doumit quite a bit, but on a team like the Twins he's just a placeholder so if anybody comes sniffing around him (and it sounds like nobody did this year) he's another one who should be traded. Diamond's pretty much the only starter worth penciling in your 2014 rotation, and between their lack of value and youth they'll obviously hold on to guys like DeVries, Deduno, Walters, and Hendriks, but pretty much everybody else needs to go and if they don't trade Carl Pavano at the waiver deadline I'm going to start making Molotov Cocktails.
There's no point to being shitty with old, crappy players who are going to be out of the league by the time you stop sucking. The Astros have it figured out, trading Chris Johnson, Wandy Rodriguez, Brett Myers, Brandon Lyon, J.A. Happ, and Carlos Lee in the last month. Basically everybody they knew wasn't a key building block or had no chance of developing into one. The Pirates used this basic strategy for years, and are now in line to make the playoffs for the first time since Barry Bonds couldn't throw out Sid Bream. Their leadoff hitter for most of this season (Jose Tabata) and one of their starters (Jeff Karstens) were acquired for Damaso Marte and Xavier Nady in 2008, their second guy off the bench and super utility man was acquired from the Cubs for two middle relievers in 2009, two other starters were acquired in the Nate McLouth trade (Charlie Morton) and Octavio Dotel trade (James McDonald), and they got their closer (Joel Hanrahan) for Lastings Milledge when they gave up on him. They've also got great organizational depth thanks to the sheer volume of prospects and minor leaguers they've acquired. Of course, it also helps that they've nailed the draft recently (Pedro Alvarez, Andrew McCutchen, Neil Walker, Gerrit Cole, Jameson Taillon, Starling Marte) but the point stands.
And of course, what do Dick and Bert open up tonight's broadcast with? How glad they are nobody other than Liriano was traded. Honest to god I think I'd rather have Hawk Harrelson's over-the-top homer shtick than this aw shucks folksy we love these boys bullshit these two keep slingin'. No wonder the Twins' brass can get away with this, the announcers are feeding the fans this crap and they're eating it up based on what I've heard on the radio and read on the internet. It's like some sort of crazy collective delusion where everybody thinks this team is team is thisclose to being a contender again - like a cult like those Waco guys or the Mormons or Dyson Vacuum Cleaner Owners. Guess what, idiots? This is the worst version of the Twins we've seen in our lifetimes. FACT. The 1981 and 1982 editions were a worse combo than 2011 and 2012, but I was too young to care or even realize what was going on, and outside of then this is the worst two year stretch in team history. There is no quick fix. When you need to burn your house down for insurance money and then build a new, better house you don't run around swapping out a few chairs for equally shitty, but different chairs - you burn that mother down with gasoline and a bazooka. Like Beavis would.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.12.2010
I don't want to take anything from Danksy, because he was brilliant tonight and kept the Twins off balance all game, but the Twins made damn sure they had no chance to win tonight. Perkins didn't pitch well by any means, but he wasn't completely awful and he gave the team a solid chance to win. Except that they played like morons. Or, more accurately, the played like the White Sox, while the Sox played like the Twins. If tonight was a sign of the roles flipping and we have to expect that kind of shit for the next 7 years or whatever you can count me out. I'm going to track down the Zoltar Machine at Sea Point Park and get that crazy gypsy to fix this shit right quick.
2. Break up the O's? Don't look now, but suddenly the Orioles are white hot. After beating the Indians tonight Baltimore has suddenly won four games in a row, which might not seem like a huge deal but you have to realize that is 10% of their victories on the season. Even more shocking, the won thanks to a Brad Bergesen 2-hit shutout. Let that one sink in for a moment. Brad Bergeson with the 5.84 ERA. Brad Bergesen with the 1.53 WHIP. Brad Bergesen who hasn't won a game in his last 13 starts. Brad Bergesen with the unbent bill of his cap. Brad Bergesen who once got hurt shooting a commercial. Apparently anything Buck Showalter touches turns instantly to gold. Word is Joel Maturi has inquired to see if he has any interest in Gopher football.
3. There was a fun trade in the NBA. This isn't exactly going to shake the NBA landscape, but any time you get a four-team, five-player trade it's worth noting because hey, that's fun. Houston traded Trevor Ariza to the Hornets, who traded Darren Collison and James Posey to the Pacers, who traded Troy Murphy to the Nets, who traded Courtney Lee to the Rockets. So the Hornets get a good player to show Chris Paul they are serious about winning (although Ariza, really?), the Pacers get a steal in getting a potential top line PG for a slow white dork, while the Nets can use that same slow white guy to eat up minutes so they don't have to force Derrick Favors to play too much too quickly. And the Rockets shed some salary, which they needed to after signing a bunch of large contracts this offseason, but get back a good quality, young rotation player at the same time. The elusive win-win-win-win trade. Meanwhile the Timberwolves traded a player they just signed last year for 4 years and $16 million dollars for two players who they immediately cut, assuming Telfair has been cut by now. So I guess it's win-win-win-win-win. Go team.
4. It's wide open. The season's fourth and final major, the PGA Championship, starts today, and it's an absolutely wide open field. The usual favorite is a complete mess, the #2 guy just completely melted down last Sunday, can't take advantage of his opportunities to become the world #1 and sucks at links style golf (which this course is), and the #3 isn't entered due to injury. Beyond that there about 30 different guys who have a legit chance to win this and you could make a solid argument for. I won't do that, but I will give you my top 6 and a sleeper:
5. The most dangerous player in the Big Ten may have found a new home. Chris Allen, the most dangerous player in the Big Ten and if you disagree I will fight you, recently visited our good friend Freddy Hoiberg at Iowa State and it sounds like he might be leaning towards joining the Cyclones. This would help Hoiberg with his apparent need to collect players of questionable moral character - which of course is genius for him. The Clones have been a nightmare since Jake Sullivan left, and no offense to Ames (which is currently underwater) but I've visited there and I don't exactly see a lot that would be a draw for a big-time recruit. As such, collecting talented players whose background's scare other team's off is a calculated, and I think smart, risk that could bring this team back to prominence. Or they crash and burn and suck and nobody notices the difference.
6. Finally, the Great Villain triumphs. If you've read this post of mine or have heard me talk about it since or have pretty much ever been to my house, you'll seen the greatest movie ever, "The King of Kong" by now. I'm not going to break it all the way down for you here, but seriously if you haven't seen it you have to go find it on Netflix or Blockbuster or Vudu or CinemaNow or whatever - go watch it. It is the most fascinating look at the people who make up the world of championship gaming (retro games only, of course) centering around a battle for the world record of Donkey Kong between Steve Wiebe (clearly painted as the hero) and Billy Mitchell (clearly painted as the villain). Of course, it wasn't too difficult to make him look bad, since his combination of smugness and douchery has only been seen before in a villain in an 80s movie (Karate Kid, Back to School, and Teen Wolf immediately come to mind), but douche though he may be, he once again has set the World Record in Donkey Kong (and Donkey Kong Jr. to boot).
Seriously, find a way to watch this and watch it. I'm not being sarcastic or ironic or anything like that. It is epically awesome to watch. Check this:
Please, I beg you, watch this movie.
2. Break up the O's? Don't look now, but suddenly the Orioles are white hot. After beating the Indians tonight Baltimore has suddenly won four games in a row, which might not seem like a huge deal but you have to realize that is 10% of their victories on the season. Even more shocking, the won thanks to a Brad Bergesen 2-hit shutout. Let that one sink in for a moment. Brad Bergeson with the 5.84 ERA. Brad Bergesen with the 1.53 WHIP. Brad Bergesen who hasn't won a game in his last 13 starts. Brad Bergesen with the unbent bill of his cap. Brad Bergesen who once got hurt shooting a commercial. Apparently anything Buck Showalter touches turns instantly to gold. Word is Joel Maturi has inquired to see if he has any interest in Gopher football.
3. There was a fun trade in the NBA. This isn't exactly going to shake the NBA landscape, but any time you get a four-team, five-player trade it's worth noting because hey, that's fun. Houston traded Trevor Ariza to the Hornets, who traded Darren Collison and James Posey to the Pacers, who traded Troy Murphy to the Nets, who traded Courtney Lee to the Rockets. So the Hornets get a good player to show Chris Paul they are serious about winning (although Ariza, really?), the Pacers get a steal in getting a potential top line PG for a slow white dork, while the Nets can use that same slow white guy to eat up minutes so they don't have to force Derrick Favors to play too much too quickly. And the Rockets shed some salary, which they needed to after signing a bunch of large contracts this offseason, but get back a good quality, young rotation player at the same time. The elusive win-win-win-win trade. Meanwhile the Timberwolves traded a player they just signed last year for 4 years and $16 million dollars for two players who they immediately cut, assuming Telfair has been cut by now. So I guess it's win-win-win-win-win. Go team.
4. It's wide open. The season's fourth and final major, the PGA Championship, starts today, and it's an absolutely wide open field. The usual favorite is a complete mess, the #2 guy just completely melted down last Sunday, can't take advantage of his opportunities to become the world #1 and sucks at links style golf (which this course is), and the #3 isn't entered due to injury. Beyond that there about 30 different guys who have a legit chance to win this and you could make a solid argument for. I won't do that, but I will give you my top 6 and a sleeper:
1. Rory McIlroy
2. Steve Stricker
3. Jeff Overton
4. Retief Goosen
5. Nick Watney
6. Graeme McDowell
SLEEPER: Ross FisherThis, of course, means that Hunter Mahan is going to win.
5. The most dangerous player in the Big Ten may have found a new home. Chris Allen, the most dangerous player in the Big Ten and if you disagree I will fight you, recently visited our good friend Freddy Hoiberg at Iowa State and it sounds like he might be leaning towards joining the Cyclones. This would help Hoiberg with his apparent need to collect players of questionable moral character - which of course is genius for him. The Clones have been a nightmare since Jake Sullivan left, and no offense to Ames (which is currently underwater) but I've visited there and I don't exactly see a lot that would be a draw for a big-time recruit. As such, collecting talented players whose background's scare other team's off is a calculated, and I think smart, risk that could bring this team back to prominence. Or they crash and burn and suck and nobody notices the difference.
6. Finally, the Great Villain triumphs. If you've read this post of mine or have heard me talk about it since or have pretty much ever been to my house, you'll seen the greatest movie ever, "The King of Kong" by now. I'm not going to break it all the way down for you here, but seriously if you haven't seen it you have to go find it on Netflix or Blockbuster or Vudu or CinemaNow or whatever - go watch it. It is the most fascinating look at the people who make up the world of championship gaming (retro games only, of course) centering around a battle for the world record of Donkey Kong between Steve Wiebe (clearly painted as the hero) and Billy Mitchell (clearly painted as the villain). Of course, it wasn't too difficult to make him look bad, since his combination of smugness and douchery has only been seen before in a villain in an 80s movie (Karate Kid, Back to School, and Teen Wolf immediately come to mind), but douche though he may be, he once again has set the World Record in Donkey Kong (and Donkey Kong Jr. to boot).
Seriously, find a way to watch this and watch it. I'm not being sarcastic or ironic or anything like that. It is epically awesome to watch. Check this:
Please, I beg you, watch this movie.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sad Day for Twins Fans
It is with a heavy heart that I report Mike Redmond, backup catcher extraordinaire, has signed with the Cleveland Indians and will no longer be a Minnesota Twins.
Most often described as a "gritty", "hustley" prankster, Redmond may have been completely terrible at the plate and only registered one season better than league average in the five years he played with Minnesota and never broken more than 272 at-bats (all while playing terrible defense with an arm worse than Johnny Damon's) but nobody could keep a clubhouse looser, and we all know how important chemistry is on a baseball field (how he never won an MVP is beyond my reckoning.) Best known for taking batting practice naked, running around the clubhouse naked, and jerking off teammates when they were in hitting slumps, Redmond will be hard to replace and the team may suffer next year without him around.
I'm kidding of course. That guy sucks and he annoys the crap out of me. Good riddance. If they picked him over Jose Morales as the backup to Mauer again I was going to have to drive to Bill Smith's house and go Mark David Chapman on him.
- Hell, as long as I'm here I might as well mention a couple of other Twin-related stories, but these both actually bum me out (and weirdly are both Padre related).
First, and this was pretty much a pipe dream from the start, Heath Bell resigned with the Padres for 1-year/$4 million. I never really expected the Twins to go after him, and especially after they picked up Clay Condrey (as if he's the answer), but I still hoped. Actually at $4 million for one year for a team that will struggle to win 70 games you can pretty much guarantee Bell will be available right around the trade deadline. Expect a bunch of teams to show interest, me to get excited the Twins might get him, and then Bell to end up on the Red Sox.
Second, the Glen Perkins for Kevin Kouzmanoff rumors are done since the Pads dealt Kouz to the Athletics. Kouzmanoff heads to Oakland for two mediocre outfielders, including Scott Hairston who played mediocrely for San Diego already from 2007-half of last season, and Aaron Cunningham who has hit .211 in 133 career at-bats since being drafted in 2005. This is the third time both of these guys have been traded. You're telling me Perkins wouldn't be more attractive than these two clowns? Seriously Smith, Perkins isn't good. His upside is a middle reliever. You should have made this trade.
But none of that disappointment can compare to no longer having Redmond around. My soul hurts. Who will be the naked Twin now? Hopefully J.J. Hardy, he's one sexy son of a bitch.
Most often described as a "gritty", "hustley" prankster, Redmond may have been completely terrible at the plate and only registered one season better than league average in the five years he played with Minnesota and never broken more than 272 at-bats (all while playing terrible defense with an arm worse than Johnny Damon's) but nobody could keep a clubhouse looser, and we all know how important chemistry is on a baseball field (how he never won an MVP is beyond my reckoning.) Best known for taking batting practice naked, running around the clubhouse naked, and jerking off teammates when they were in hitting slumps, Redmond will be hard to replace and the team may suffer next year without him around.
I'm kidding of course. That guy sucks and he annoys the crap out of me. Good riddance. If they picked him over Jose Morales as the backup to Mauer again I was going to have to drive to Bill Smith's house and go Mark David Chapman on him.
- Hell, as long as I'm here I might as well mention a couple of other Twin-related stories, but these both actually bum me out (and weirdly are both Padre related).
First, and this was pretty much a pipe dream from the start, Heath Bell resigned with the Padres for 1-year/$4 million. I never really expected the Twins to go after him, and especially after they picked up Clay Condrey (as if he's the answer), but I still hoped. Actually at $4 million for one year for a team that will struggle to win 70 games you can pretty much guarantee Bell will be available right around the trade deadline. Expect a bunch of teams to show interest, me to get excited the Twins might get him, and then Bell to end up on the Red Sox.
Second, the Glen Perkins for Kevin Kouzmanoff rumors are done since the Pads dealt Kouz to the Athletics. Kouzmanoff heads to Oakland for two mediocre outfielders, including Scott Hairston who played mediocrely for San Diego already from 2007-half of last season, and Aaron Cunningham who has hit .211 in 133 career at-bats since being drafted in 2005. This is the third time both of these guys have been traded. You're telling me Perkins wouldn't be more attractive than these two clowns? Seriously Smith, Perkins isn't good. His upside is a middle reliever. You should have made this trade.
But none of that disappointment can compare to no longer having Redmond around. My soul hurts. Who will be the naked Twin now? Hopefully J.J. Hardy, he's one sexy son of a bitch.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
SuperGay-tor (Live Movie Blog)
I'm still working my way through all those awesome shark/gator/squid movies from the Sci Fi SyFy marathon a few weeks back, and today I'm taking on yet another one. Today we're going with Supergator, which seems straight forward enough. Your summary, "Geologists encounter a giant alligator while investigating an active volcano in Hawaii." Alligator, huh? I wasn't sure what the creature would be in this one. Good to know.
Of course, this movie has two strikes already. First, it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure.
The second major problem here is the poster. I usually find the movie poster and put it at the top of the post, but I was concerned that after you guys saw it you would stop reading. So here you go:
Yes, I'm serious. No, I don't know why there appears to be a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator on there, but I fear it means that Supergator is a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator. Whatever, let's get going.
- And we open with a couple kissing while lying next to a lagoon with a very pretty waterfall. It's a very idyllic setting, which is how these movies always start, I swear to god. A guy and girl going to get naughty in paradise, the girl gets nervous about a noise or a feeling (which she is doing right now), the guy says, "It's nothing, lets get back to fooling around." Then there is another noise, which they still manage to shrug off, and then everybody gets eaten. In this particular case, the girl says she wants to hold off on the humping until they get back to the hotel. The solution? They go swimming in the lagoon. The same lagoon, mind you, from which noises were eminating that were so discomforting the girl wanted to stop making out. Yet they go swimming. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and it's a shame too, because this girl is one of the most perfect looking females I've ever seen. I predict she'll be doing real movies someday. No visible signs of T-Rexism on the Supergator as of yet. Roll opening credits.
- Holy crap! Kelly McGillis is in this, she of Top Gun fame. She really hasn't aged well. I mean, she's not in Kathleen Turner's level of not aging well, but she's in the upper tier for sure.
- I looked up that hot chick. Her name is Meg Cionni, and although she hasn't done much with her career yet, I'm still predicting big things. Very pretty. In Colbie Smulders league, even.
- We know get to see these geologists and the volcano, both referenced in the summary. So far the movie is not a liar. Of course, we also get this exchange between head geologist and his intern or assistant or whatever:
Head Geologist who looks like the leader of the Cobra Kai: "Well, you're not in Kansas anymore, bonehead."
Assistant who looks like Nick Papageorgio: "That's Mr. Bonehead to you."
Shoot me. Also it turns out those two are father and son.
- Wait, they aren't father and son, Papageorgio just called Cobra Kai guy "Dad" because he was trying to tell him not to have another drink. The plot twists in this movie are too confusing.
- According to old man geologist #2, thus far the volcano is negative for gas emissions. I wish I could say the same.
- Two girls in bikinis are bored sitting by the pool, so they have decided to go hiking to see some waterfall. The same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- Flashback: Cobra Kai lost a grad student assistant last time he expolored a volcano. The grad student fell down a cliff after the rope they were using to cross broke, Cliffhanger style. And some black chick was there too. And now she's on the island for some reason. I think they explained it but I forgot.
- Now two different chicks in very small bikinis with very large breasts are bouncing around by the waterfall while some poneytailed douche with a very bad fake french accent takes their picture. I think they're supposed to be models, I'm not sure, all I know is they have huge boobs. Is this the same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- French guy just got eaten in a spray of horrible special effects. Now the two models arerunning bouncing through the woods, running from the Alligator. Oops, now one model is bouncing through the woods, because the other one tried to take a stand by defending herself with a stick, a kindling type stick, against a Supergator. That's just silly. Still no signs of T-Rexism in our gator.
- Bobby Keppel is really not a very good pitcher.
- And here's Kelly McGillis, sporting Kurt Warner's wife's hairstyle. She looks exactly like how you would picture a typical lesbian gym teacher. Hard to believe this is same person who played Charlie in Top Gun. She was smoking hot then. The years have......not been kind.
- Kelly McGillis and her partner, Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (which is awesome, by the way) are not affiliated with the other group, comprised of Cobra Kai, Nick Papageorgio, Hot chick, and Black Chick.
- Now we're introduced to a group of wannabe frat boy surfers (+ their fat friend) tromping about the wilderness. They sure are giving us a ton of characters here. This can only mean lots of killing. This bodes well.
- Surfer guys are out there to gather some kind of worms which can be ground into a liquid and then when drank will erase the effects of alcohol. I don't know, I didn't write it.
- Ok, so Kelly McGillis is the one who created the Supergaytor. She created it using DNA extracted from the jaw bone of a Phobozucus (a fake made up extinct species), and implanted into an alligator embryo. Once again, I don't know, I didn't write this.
- Bill Bob gives McGillis the whole Ian Malcolm speech from Jurassic Park about messing with nature and the species time had run it's course on earth and playing god and blah blah blah. I just want to see Supergator take on Krocodylus.
- I just searched for this movie on IMDB, and guess what? There's another one coming out, called Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and it's in post production which means it will probably hit TV in the next six months. I'm super stoked.
- By the by, I Love you Man is an oustanding movie, which I'm guessing you already knew from the trailer. But just in case you weren't sure, I thought I'd let you know that it really is very, very good. It's like the opposite of this crap. I mean, way less Alligators and stuff, but still a way better movie.
- That movie also totally puts me in the mood for Rush. I think I downloaded like ten Rush songs off I-tunes right after we watched it. I also downloaded a bunch of Public Enemy, so who knows.
- That chick in the pink bikini is still bouncing around in her thong. And she just ran into those two other bikini non-model chicks. Maybe they'll all make out.
- Ugh. Pink bikini model is totally cock blocking everybody by bitching about something about some giant alligator. I'm not even paying attention anymore, this chick has an awesome rack. I don't even remember what this movie is about.
- oh right. A giant alligator that just ate those two stuck up bitches who wouldn't make out with that hot chick and were all like, wearing clothes and stuff. Serves you right, your majesty.
- Vick to the Eagles, huh? I'm struggling to come up an kind of opinion here. It seems I care even less than I thought I did.
- Black chick from the Cobra Kai group just found a severed arm of one of them cockblocking ladies, and just then Top Gun lady and Billy Bob Thornton show up to try to scare them away. Billy Bob tries to use threats and a gun. If they really wanted to get rid of them, they really just should have had Top Gun lady make the "Large Marge" face.
- Our neighbors had to use our driveway for a couple of days (it's a long story) and as thanks they gave us a $25 gift card to Olive Garden. A $25 gift card is awesome, but does it really count as a gift if it's to the Nickelback of restaurants?
- Oh, there's a good view of Supergator finally. He's eating the surfer guys who were going to get all rich from their anti-alcohol thing. He's definitely got some T-Rex characteristics going on. At this point though, that might be the only thing that can save this movie. He reminds me a lot of Tokka from TMNT:
But more alligatory and T-Rexy and less snapping turtley and humany. So really, I guess, they aren't very similar. But at least I proved I'm a total dork.
- Ah crap. Now the gator ate the hot bouncy chick (and the fat nerd guy). So no more boobs. There's still some hot chick on the Cobra kai team, but she hasn't shown any inclination to take her top off in any way. And can I just say here that the death scenes in this flick are quite lackluster? When the thing ate the chick and that fat guy, it showed the gator, then showed those two asshats screaming, and then the gator going in, and then scene ends. How is that cool? It's like Jap porn where they fuzz out all the good parts. There's no payoff.
- I don't know what happened, but the Cobra Kai team and the lesbian top gun girl team are now together. Lezzy is trying to find the Supergator, and the Cobra Kais are doing volcano research, as well as looking for opportunities to sweep the leg.
- I also just realized that this movie is going to end with the supergator falling into the volcano. I'd bet money.
- Papageorgio just got eated by the gator. The scene was basically the kid screaming, shaky camera work consisting of extreme close ups, and liberal amounts of ketchup. To say this movie has been a disappointment is like saying Delmon Young hasn't lived up to his potential.
- So this is pretty fucked up right here. Jeremy Tyler, a five star forward in the class of 2010 recruited by Louisville and UCLA has decided to skip his senior year of high school to go play hoops in Israel for $140,000 next season. It will be very interesting to see how this works out. Clearly he's mortgaging his future and banking on making a living in basketball, forsaking an education. On the other hand, $140,000 is about what I make every two months, so hey, good for this freaking idiot. Godspeed kid, godspeed.
- I love movies where volcanic activity is a major plot point but then there isn't any volcanic activity the entire movie until the part where they get to the top of the volcano and then there is volcanic activy like crazy. They should make a movie about this. They could call it, "Volcano."
- Dude that gator just ate the crap out of that black chick. I bet she tasted like fried chicken and watermelon. On the bright side, that one hot stuck up chick I mentioned earlier went in the water to try to save her and her shirt got unbuttoned somehow and she's all wet t-shirtish now. So that's happening.
- Wait, that black chick is still alive. Now I have to figure out who just got eaten, and I don't want to rewind because, much like the KKK, I just want my long national nightmare to be over. I haven't seen kelly mcGillis in a while, thank god, so I think maybe she got eaten, thank god.
- Billy Bob drops a "I bet you didn't expect we'd be the endangered species" line. This movie is pretty much mad libs at this point.
- Gator just ate some random fisherman who we just met. As much as I love a movie that keeps introducing characters just so they can die, you kind of undermine your whole goal when your death scene consists of alternating scenes of the fisherman running and a camera panning as if it was running, culminating in one frame of gore-free computer animated attacking. Weak. So weak. Glen Perkins fastball-weak.
- I think Dawson Leary just got eaten. I have no idea where this character came from. This movie is like Nick Blackburn at the 140 inning mark.
- Hot chick died in what I think was supposed to be a graphic scene but really just showed her with ketchup on her face. I think we have cobra kai guy, black chick, and billy bob thornton left alive. Plus whatever random characters they decide to toss in here.
- You know, Cobra Kai guy looks a lot more like Tom Berenger in Major League. I really dropped the ball on that one. Is it too late to start calling him Jake Taylor?
- Here's the scene ripped from jaws where black chick tells resort owner to cancel the Luau because some giant freak gator mutant is coming down the river and he says "but it's the biggest party of the year and we make all our money and shit." Only 17 minutes left. I think I'll watch the rest on x2 speed.
- Some awesome hot blonde with porcelain skin and a great rack who might have been perfect just got eaten in one of the worst death scenes ever. God the effects in this look like computer animation from 1991. I think they just gave the job to the closest intern they could find who would work for free. This is more embarrassing than what most people think Saved by the Bell is even though it is not it is awesome and I still watch it whenever I can and own every episode on DVD.
- Luau still going foward (no word on if the pupuku are involved), but Supergaytor crashes and eats some fat hawaiians. Apparently this volcanic eruption has pushed the gator away from it's super happy home and down into the mainland or whatever you call it. And it's pissed and keeps eating people, with seemingly a preference for hot blondes - there goes another one. RIP.
- They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo!
- Well they just shot gator with like 8,000 rounds and it didn't even matter because that dude just bit Billy Bob's head off. I'm no hunter, and maybe Snake can chime in here, but that seems like a lot of bullets to not kill something. Oh but it's ok because instead Jake Taylor shot a "volcanic vent" which created a plume of lava and fire and it made the gator blow up. Shit, I don't know. I didn't write this.
- FYI - that gator never looked at all like that movie poster. Total false advertising.
- Well that was pretty god damned terrible. As far as terrible movies go, that one is right up there with the worst ever. I'd even say it might have been worse than Jaws 4, except I know that's not possible. Ugh. I stil have something called "Croc" on my Tivo, so hopefully that goes a bit better.
Of course, this movie has two strikes already. First, it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure.
The second major problem here is the poster. I usually find the movie poster and put it at the top of the post, but I was concerned that after you guys saw it you would stop reading. So here you go:
Yes, I'm serious. No, I don't know why there appears to be a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator on there, but I fear it means that Supergator is a T-Rex crossed with an Alligator. Whatever, let's get going.
- And we open with a couple kissing while lying next to a lagoon with a very pretty waterfall. It's a very idyllic setting, which is how these movies always start, I swear to god. A guy and girl going to get naughty in paradise, the girl gets nervous about a noise or a feeling (which she is doing right now), the guy says, "It's nothing, lets get back to fooling around." Then there is another noise, which they still manage to shrug off, and then everybody gets eaten. In this particular case, the girl says she wants to hold off on the humping until they get back to the hotel. The solution? They go swimming in the lagoon. The same lagoon, mind you, from which noises were eminating that were so discomforting the girl wanted to stop making out. Yet they go swimming. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and it's a shame too, because this girl is one of the most perfect looking females I've ever seen. I predict she'll be doing real movies someday. No visible signs of T-Rexism on the Supergator as of yet. Roll opening credits.
- Holy crap! Kelly McGillis is in this, she of Top Gun fame. She really hasn't aged well. I mean, she's not in Kathleen Turner's level of not aging well, but she's in the upper tier for sure.
- I looked up that hot chick. Her name is Meg Cionni, and although she hasn't done much with her career yet, I'm still predicting big things. Very pretty. In Colbie Smulders league, even.
- We know get to see these geologists and the volcano, both referenced in the summary. So far the movie is not a liar. Of course, we also get this exchange between head geologist and his intern or assistant or whatever:
Head Geologist who looks like the leader of the Cobra Kai: "Well, you're not in Kansas anymore, bonehead."
Assistant who looks like Nick Papageorgio: "That's Mr. Bonehead to you."
Shoot me. Also it turns out those two are father and son.
- Wait, they aren't father and son, Papageorgio just called Cobra Kai guy "Dad" because he was trying to tell him not to have another drink. The plot twists in this movie are too confusing.
- According to old man geologist #2, thus far the volcano is negative for gas emissions. I wish I could say the same.
- Two girls in bikinis are bored sitting by the pool, so they have decided to go hiking to see some waterfall. The same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- Flashback: Cobra Kai lost a grad student assistant last time he expolored a volcano. The grad student fell down a cliff after the rope they were using to cross broke, Cliffhanger style. And some black chick was there too. And now she's on the island for some reason. I think they explained it but I forgot.
- Now two different chicks in very small bikinis with very large breasts are bouncing around by the waterfall while some poneytailed douche with a very bad fake french accent takes their picture. I think they're supposed to be models, I'm not sure, all I know is they have huge boobs. Is this the same waterfall from the opening of the movie? Stay tuned.
- French guy just got eaten in a spray of horrible special effects. Now the two models are
- Bobby Keppel is really not a very good pitcher.
- And here's Kelly McGillis, sporting Kurt Warner's wife's hairstyle. She looks exactly like how you would picture a typical lesbian gym teacher. Hard to believe this is same person who played Charlie in Top Gun. She was smoking hot then. The years have......not been kind.
- Kelly McGillis and her partner, Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (which is awesome, by the way) are not affiliated with the other group, comprised of Cobra Kai, Nick Papageorgio, Hot chick, and Black Chick.
- Now we're introduced to a group of wannabe frat boy surfers (+ their fat friend) tromping about the wilderness. They sure are giving us a ton of characters here. This can only mean lots of killing. This bodes well.
- Surfer guys are out there to gather some kind of worms which can be ground into a liquid and then when drank will erase the effects of alcohol. I don't know, I didn't write it.
- Ok, so Kelly McGillis is the one who created the Supergaytor. She created it using DNA extracted from the jaw bone of a Phobozucus (a fake made up extinct species), and implanted into an alligator embryo. Once again, I don't know, I didn't write this.
- Bill Bob gives McGillis the whole Ian Malcolm speech from Jurassic Park about messing with nature and the species time had run it's course on earth and playing god and blah blah blah. I just want to see Supergator take on Krocodylus.
- I just searched for this movie on IMDB, and guess what? There's another one coming out, called Dinocroc vs. Supergator, and it's in post production which means it will probably hit TV in the next six months. I'm super stoked.
- By the by, I Love you Man is an oustanding movie, which I'm guessing you already knew from the trailer. But just in case you weren't sure, I thought I'd let you know that it really is very, very good. It's like the opposite of this crap. I mean, way less Alligators and stuff, but still a way better movie.
- That movie also totally puts me in the mood for Rush. I think I downloaded like ten Rush songs off I-tunes right after we watched it. I also downloaded a bunch of Public Enemy, so who knows.
- That chick in the pink bikini is still bouncing around in her thong. And she just ran into those two other bikini non-model chicks. Maybe they'll all make out.
- Ugh. Pink bikini model is totally cock blocking everybody by bitching about something about some giant alligator. I'm not even paying attention anymore, this chick has an awesome rack. I don't even remember what this movie is about.
- oh right. A giant alligator that just ate those two stuck up bitches who wouldn't make out with that hot chick and were all like, wearing clothes and stuff. Serves you right, your majesty.
- Vick to the Eagles, huh? I'm struggling to come up an kind of opinion here. It seems I care even less than I thought I did.
- Black chick from the Cobra Kai group just found a severed arm of one of them cockblocking ladies, and just then Top Gun lady and Billy Bob Thornton show up to try to scare them away. Billy Bob tries to use threats and a gun. If they really wanted to get rid of them, they really just should have had Top Gun lady make the "Large Marge" face.
- Our neighbors had to use our driveway for a couple of days (it's a long story) and as thanks they gave us a $25 gift card to Olive Garden. A $25 gift card is awesome, but does it really count as a gift if it's to the Nickelback of restaurants?
- Oh, there's a good view of Supergator finally. He's eating the surfer guys who were going to get all rich from their anti-alcohol thing. He's definitely got some T-Rex characteristics going on. At this point though, that might be the only thing that can save this movie. He reminds me a lot of Tokka from TMNT:
But more alligatory and T-Rexy and less snapping turtley and humany. So really, I guess, they aren't very similar. But at least I proved I'm a total dork.- Ah crap. Now the gator ate the hot bouncy chick (and the fat nerd guy). So no more boobs. There's still some hot chick on the Cobra kai team, but she hasn't shown any inclination to take her top off in any way. And can I just say here that the death scenes in this flick are quite lackluster? When the thing ate the chick and that fat guy, it showed the gator, then showed those two asshats screaming, and then the gator going in, and then scene ends. How is that cool? It's like Jap porn where they fuzz out all the good parts. There's no payoff.
- I don't know what happened, but the Cobra Kai team and the lesbian top gun girl team are now together. Lezzy is trying to find the Supergator, and the Cobra Kais are doing volcano research, as well as looking for opportunities to sweep the leg.
- I also just realized that this movie is going to end with the supergator falling into the volcano. I'd bet money.
- Papageorgio just got eated by the gator. The scene was basically the kid screaming, shaky camera work consisting of extreme close ups, and liberal amounts of ketchup. To say this movie has been a disappointment is like saying Delmon Young hasn't lived up to his potential.
- So this is pretty fucked up right here. Jeremy Tyler, a five star forward in the class of 2010 recruited by Louisville and UCLA has decided to skip his senior year of high school to go play hoops in Israel for $140,000 next season. It will be very interesting to see how this works out. Clearly he's mortgaging his future and banking on making a living in basketball, forsaking an education. On the other hand, $140,000 is about what I make every two months, so hey, good for this freaking idiot. Godspeed kid, godspeed.
- I love movies where volcanic activity is a major plot point but then there isn't any volcanic activity the entire movie until the part where they get to the top of the volcano and then there is volcanic activy like crazy. They should make a movie about this. They could call it, "Volcano."
- Dude that gator just ate the crap out of that black chick. I bet she tasted like fried chicken and watermelon. On the bright side, that one hot stuck up chick I mentioned earlier went in the water to try to save her and her shirt got unbuttoned somehow and she's all wet t-shirtish now. So that's happening.
- Wait, that black chick is still alive. Now I have to figure out who just got eaten, and I don't want to rewind because, much like the KKK, I just want my long national nightmare to be over. I haven't seen kelly mcGillis in a while, thank god, so I think maybe she got eaten, thank god.
- Billy Bob drops a "I bet you didn't expect we'd be the endangered species" line. This movie is pretty much mad libs at this point.
- Gator just ate some random fisherman who we just met. As much as I love a movie that keeps introducing characters just so they can die, you kind of undermine your whole goal when your death scene consists of alternating scenes of the fisherman running and a camera panning as if it was running, culminating in one frame of gore-free computer animated attacking. Weak. So weak. Glen Perkins fastball-weak.
- I think Dawson Leary just got eaten. I have no idea where this character came from. This movie is like Nick Blackburn at the 140 inning mark.
- Hot chick died in what I think was supposed to be a graphic scene but really just showed her with ketchup on her face. I think we have cobra kai guy, black chick, and billy bob thornton left alive. Plus whatever random characters they decide to toss in here.
- You know, Cobra Kai guy looks a lot more like Tom Berenger in Major League. I really dropped the ball on that one. Is it too late to start calling him Jake Taylor?
- Here's the scene ripped from jaws where black chick tells resort owner to cancel the Luau because some giant freak gator mutant is coming down the river and he says "but it's the biggest party of the year and we make all our money and shit." Only 17 minutes left. I think I'll watch the rest on x2 speed.
- Some awesome hot blonde with porcelain skin and a great rack who might have been perfect just got eaten in one of the worst death scenes ever. God the effects in this look like computer animation from 1991. I think they just gave the job to the closest intern they could find who would work for free. This is more embarrassing than what most people think Saved by the Bell is even though it is not it is awesome and I still watch it whenever I can and own every episode on DVD.
- Luau still going foward (no word on if the pupuku are involved), but Supergaytor crashes and eats some fat hawaiians. Apparently this volcanic eruption has pushed the gator away from it's super happy home and down into the mainland or whatever you call it. And it's pissed and keeps eating people, with seemingly a preference for hot blondes - there goes another one. RIP.
- They say here ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going, "Class... or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, yo!
- Well they just shot gator with like 8,000 rounds and it didn't even matter because that dude just bit Billy Bob's head off. I'm no hunter, and maybe Snake can chime in here, but that seems like a lot of bullets to not kill something. Oh but it's ok because instead Jake Taylor shot a "volcanic vent" which created a plume of lava and fire and it made the gator blow up. Shit, I don't know. I didn't write this.
- FYI - that gator never looked at all like that movie poster. Total false advertising.
- Well that was pretty god damned terrible. As far as terrible movies go, that one is right up there with the worst ever. I'd even say it might have been worse than Jaws 4, except I know that's not possible. Ugh. I stil have something called "Croc" on my Tivo, so hopefully that goes a bit better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
