NFL Predictions, 2009

You asked, and thus you shall recieve.  NFL predictions, team-by-team.  As always, you can expect this to be incredibly accurate.

AFC EAST

1.  Patriots.  Brady's back, and I'm pretty sure he's all the way back, which means big seasons for him, Moss, and Welker.  The defense might be an issue this season, and the RB situation is confusing (way to go Maroney) but will probably end up with three or four guys splitting the yards and TDs, but they're certainly good enough to win the division and maybe the whole thing.

2.  Dolphins.  The preeminant Wildcat running team adds Pat White, perhaps the best dual threat QB in college football since Major Harris or Rickey Foggie?  This is going to be spectacular, whether for good or ill.  I'm betting good, and wouldn't be shocked to see the Dolphins make the playoffs and White become responsible for getting Teebo drafted in round 1 rather than round 3.

3.  Jets.  Mark Sanchez will be a good QB.  Mark Sanchez will not be a good QB this year.  Thomas Jones is 100 years old.

4.  Bills.  See, the thing is, you need a quarterback to win.  Trent Edwards is not a real quarterback.  Even worse is that the trade of Jason Peter means the Bills will have five brand new starters on the O-Line this year, and they didn't exactly sign a gang of Steve Hutchinsons.  How long do you think T.O. is going to stay well-behaved in this situation?  Honestly, this might be the most likely team to go 0-16 out of the whole bunch.

AFC NORTH

1.  Steelers.  They make almost no changes, and why should they?  The only position I see them falling off in is at RB, where Willie Parker is about to fall off a cliff into Shaun Alexander-land, they have a high quality replacement waiting in the wings in Rashard Mendenhall. 

2.  Bengals.   This is the team that I think will surprise.  Carson is back, and coming with him will be Ochocinco who is "revitalized" which really just means he's a bitchy little whiner who wouldn't try last year because they sucked and now everyone thinks they will be good again so he will be good again - and I agree.  Plus the defense isn't half bad, actually, at least not as bad as you think.  Playoffs, baby.  Believe.

3.  Ravens.  Mark Clayton still hasn't developed and Derrick Mason is hanging around, but Ray Rice should develop into a star this year.  What happened to McGahee anyway?

4.  Browns.  Ok, maybe this is the team with the best chance to go 0-16, unless Brady Quinn has a magic arm.  My sources say no.  Expect James Davis to take Jamal's job by week 8.

AFC SOUTH

1.  Colts.  Dropping Marvin Harrison is actually going to help the team, trying to shoehorn an old, broken down murderer into game plans hurt both Reggie Wayne and Anthony Gonzalez.  Need proof?  In the game Marvin missed last season, Peyton Manning threw for 364 yards and 3 TDs, completing 29 of 34 pass attempts.  After 2004 it's hard to predict Peyton to "have his best year" ever again, but this could be the season.

2.  Texans.  Is this finally the year?  It will be as long as Schaub stays healthy.  These guys are pretty much solid all around, with the best receiver in football in Andre Johnson and a good offense and defense all the way around.  If Matty can play all 16, they'll make the playoffs for the first time.

3.  Titans.  Once again, I refuse to believe in Tennessee.  Collins isn't very good and has nobody to throw to, and when he gets hurt and/or falls off the wagon Vince Young is worse than T-Jax.  LenDale White lost weight which means he's now slow and has no power instead of being slow with power, and Chris Johnson might be the most overrated running back in the league.  The defense is good though.

4.  Jags.  Tough to put them fourth, but this is a very good division this year.  MJD was going to be a star this year, but now he's banged up and will probably suck.  Way to pick him in the top 3, everybody in America.

AFC WEST

1.  Chargers.  The demise of Ladainian Tomlinson has been greatly exaggerated.  He was hampered big time by injuries last season, and still managed to put up decent numbers.  This year Sproles should cut into his touches a bit, but assuming he's healthy he should return to an elite level in a big way.  Plus, this division is absolute garbage after San Diego and they should win it without any problem.

2.  Chiefs.  Second place my default, there isn't a single other decent team in this division.  The Chiefs get the nod because they have a decent QB with a good target to throw to in Bowe, but really anybody could get second here - and likely with a losing record.

3.  Raiders.  I flip flopped the Raiders and the Broncos in this spot a bunch of times, but in the end I'm giving the Raiders the edge. Both teams have god awful defenses, ok O-Lines and questions at QB, but while Tom Cable seemingly has the Raiders showing a new dedication and a positive attitude, the Broncos seem like a complete mess right now (of course, one Raider coach punching out another has them not too far behind).  Either McFadden or Michael Bush will blow up this year, I'm just not sure which one.

4.  Broncos.  See above.  Outside of Champ Bailey and Eddie Royal, everybody on this team sucks.

NFC EAST

1.  Giants.  An already good team with an excellent running game and defense took steps to shore up it's receiving core by taking Hakeem Nicks and Ramses Barden in the draft.  Nicks has all the tools, and once he's up to speed on the mental game he should take over the #1 reciever role and remind people of Anquan Boldin. 

2.  Eagles. A very good defense needs help from the offense, and it looks like they will get it.  Pick ups of Jeremy Maclin (the second best rookie WR after Nicks) and LaSean McCoy will pay off, with McCoy able to fill in and maybe even outplay Brian Westbrook, who will inevitably get hurt at some point.

3.  Cowboys.  Who exactly is Tony Homo going to throw the ball too outside of Jason Witten?  The Cowboy receiving corps is terrible.  Patrick Crayton?  Miles Austin?  These guys are garbage, and their "#1 reciever" Roy Williams is nothing more than a highly touted mediocre player mascarading as the go-to-guy (much like Nick Blackburn).  Expect to see Felix Jones cut deeply in Marion Barber's carries, if not outright take the job away.  Then Barber and Maroney can call each other to cry.

4.  Redskins.  Another awesome defense (holy crap this division is loaded on D) gets better with Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo joining the d-line - this might seriously be the best defense in the league, but it doesn't matter.  For the 10th year in a row the passing game is in the hands of Jason Campbell, Santana Moss, and Antwaan Randle-El.  That hasn't work before, and it's not going to magically click now.

NFC NORTH

1.  Vikings.  Fine, I'm in.  You got me.  I believe.  The defense is the best in history, Favre has another magic year in his arm, AP could run for 2,000+, and Percy Harvin will make everybody forget how good Randy Moss was as a rookie.  I've been sucked in.  And I hate myself for it.

2.  Packers. Aaron Rodgers looks like the real deal and Charles Woodson is apparently ageless.  However Ryan Grant sucks and the Packers switching from a 4-3 to a 3-4 defense without bothering to change any of there personnel.  Sounds like a rebuilding year.

3.  Bears.  There's a lot of chatter about the Bears being good, but just as their offense is improving, their defense is declining (16th in points allowed last year) and aren't getting any younger.  Cutler might have a good year, but with no actual receivers on the team the offensive improvement won't offset the now craptastic defense.

4.  Lions.  Rookie coach, rookie QB, and almost a completely new defensive squad doesn't add up to a very good year.  The good news is, the Lions will be improved.  The bad news is, it would be impossible not to be.  Stafford to Megatron could end up a pretty solid connection (where else is he going to throw it?)

NFC SOUTH

1.  Falcons.  Everybody is in love with Atlanta this year, and you can count me in.  Matt Ryan, Mike Turner, and Roddy White are the next Manning, Edge, and Harrison, and adding in Tony Gonzalez is going to make this one of the best offenses in the league.  If the defense is any good they could be super bowl contenders.

2.  Saints.  Break out season for Robert Meachem.  You heard it here first.

3.  Panthers.  These guys were 12-4 last season?  Must have been a huge fluke, because other than Julius Peppers, Steve Smith and DeAngelo there's nobody good here.  The defense is terrible and not improving, and Delhomme has been pretending to be an actual QB for years.  This is a crash and burn season.

4.  Bucs.  Byron Leftwich at QB?  Derrick Ward/Cadillac Williams/Earnest Graham as your RBs?  A terrible O-Line?  I have no idea what's going on here.  It's like they're tanking to get a better draft pick.  Dawger, your thoughts?

NFC WEST

1.  49ers.  Tough call in this division, but a commitment to running the ball down everybody's throat with Frank Gore sounds pretty good to me - guy is a stud. The defense is pretty decent too.  I see Shaun Hill having a caretaker Trent Dilfer-like season, which should be good enough to get San Fran into the playoffs.

2.  Seahawks.  I've written about Hasselbeck here before, no need to do it again.  I also expect Edge to give Seattle a running threat they haven't had since Shaun Alexander turned 80 - no, not to that level or even a high level, but more like a respectful level.

3.  Cardinals.  Warner gets hurt by week six and Leinart sucks - and so does their defense.

4.  Rams.  Yet another team who could threaten the 0-16 season.  It's entirely possible Steve Jackson could account for 90% of the yards gained by the Rams this year.  Don't buy into the Donnie Avery hype.


Wild Card:  Steelers over Texans, Colts over Bengals, Falcons over Eagles, Saints over 49ers.

Divisional:  Colts over Chargers, Patriots over Steelers, Vikings over Falcons,  Giants over Saints.

Championship Round:  Colts over Pats, Vikings over Giants

Super Bowl:  Colts over Vikings.

I would also just like to add here that I burned my hand two days ago with boiling water making Cup O' Noodles for lunch, so keep that in mind when reviewing these predictions.

Adios Mulvey (+Athlon Sports Gopher preview)

-  I missed this until Aaron Gleeman posted it yesterday, but the Twins completed the Jon Rauch trade by sending Arizona the player to be named later; Kevin Mulvey.  I have mixed feelings.

On one hand, there is part of me that says the Johan Santana trade suddenly looks better (blown game yesterday by Rauch aside) with him in there instead of Mulvey, who looked terrible in all of the one and third innings he pitched for the Twins.   On the other hand, Mulvey is still just 24, was ranked as the Mets #4 prospect at the time of the trade, and put up ok numbers at Rochester this year - his first at AAA.

He has already been promoted to the big club in Arizona, and has made two appearances since they acquired him late last week, totaling three innings and giving up just one hit and a run while striking out three and walking three.  So maybe he's fallen to the point where his upside is a middle reliever, I don't know.  I'm picturing him suddenly with a name change to K.J. Mulvey (middle name = John) and becoming a shut down 8th inning guy.  In any case it's a bit disheartening to know the team has already given up on part of the Johan deal - which continues to look worse and worse.

-  In a completely unrelated note, "early season fluke" Jason Bartlett has continued his fluky ways all season long, and is still fourth in the AL in batting average at .331 (just 20 points lower than O-Cabrera's slugging percentage).  He also leads all AL shortstops in average, OBP (higher than Morneau), slugging (higher than Cuddyer's), and OPS (would be third on the Twins behind Mauer and Kubel) and is second in steals, third in home runs and triples, and fourth in doubles.

God dammit.    

-  Since we are talking about MLB prospects and who did and didn't work out, I might as well bring up the unfortunately named but fortunately gifted Madison Bumgarner, a super prospect for the San Francisco Giants who made his debut last night after being a top ten prospect on any list you could find.  It was undoubtedly a success, with Bumgarner going 5 and a third, giving up just five hits and walk while striking out four.  Two of those hits given up were home runs, unfortunately, but both were solo, so he currently sits with an ERA of 3.38 and a WHIP of 1.13.

The original plan wasn't to bring him up until 2010 at the earliest, and more likely 2011, but the combination of being in a Wild Card race along with his stunning success scuttled that idea.  He put up some very impressive numbers in his two years in the minors between A and AA - in 49 games he compiled a record of 27-5 with an ERA of 1.65, WHIP of 0.97, and 256 Ks compared to just 55 walks - so at age 20 he's skipping AAA and hitting the bigs, and it looks good so far.  And think on this:  The Giants have Bumgarner, 20, Lincecum, 25, and Matt Cain, 24.  They're pretty much guaranteed to be contenders for years.

-  On the Gopher front, Athlon Sports College Basketball Preview Magazine is out, and they have the Gophers slotted as a 10 seed in the NCAA tournament this season.  Without having broken anything down yet on my own, that seems a bit low.  I would hope for something more in the 5-8 range.  Some other bits from the mag:

Big Ten tournament teams:  Minnesota (1 & done), Illinois (2 & out), Michigan (2 & out), Michigan State (Nat'l Runner-Up), Ohio State (2 & out), Purdue (Final Four), and Wisconsin (1 & done).  If that comes to pass it will be a very, very succesful conference season.

They predict the Spartans lose in the championship to Kansas - no real shock - with Texas the other Final Four team along with Purdue.  Villanova (ick), Kentucky, UNC, and Tennessee round out the other Elite 8 teams.

All American Team is Cole Aldrich, Devan Downey, Luke Harangody, Patrick Patterson, and Kyle Singler, with Evan Turner on the second team, Manny Harris and Kalin Lucas on the third team, and Talor Battle, Kevin Coble, Robbie Hummel, and E'Twaun Moore getting honorable mention (what!  No Ralph Sampson or JaJuan Johnson!!  Travesty!).

No Gopher makes the mag's All Big-Ten first, second, or third team, but Royce White is their predicted newcomer of the year, and they call out Al Nolen as the most underrated player in the conference (*bring hand to mouth, make fart sound here*).  Evan Turner is their conference player of the year.

With the mag out and the weather turning to fall, expect an increase in college basketball posts as I get ridiculously excited for the millionth season in a row.

-  Finally, as much as it pains me to praise Patrick Reusse, take the time to check out this very well done article by him on Minnesota Amateur Baseball, something very near and dear to me.  If you pay close enough attention (and you know me personally), you may catch a familiar name in there.  Way to go Old Man, maybe you weren't all talk after all.

Check back again tomorrow.  At some point before the NFL season kicks off I will have my wildly popular NFL predictions.  And they're all yours FREE OF CHARGE!!!  All I ask in return is that you go click an ad on the right side over there.  Go do it now.

Weekend Review - 9/8/2009

If you're just here to read about the shitty Gopher football team, feel free to jump right on down to the "WHO SUCKED" section.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  BYU.   What an excellent win for the Cougars, upsetting the #3 team in the country Oklahoma Sooners 14-13 Saturday.  A lot of morons will point out that returning Heisman Trophy winner Sam "Sixkiller" Bradford was knocked out right before halftime with an injury, and will point to that as the reason why BYU was able to win this game.  Sure, that didn't hurt, but when Bradford went down the score was just 10-7 in favor of the Sooners.  Make no mistake, BYU is a very good team and this is a very impressive win.  The fighting Mormons will still take on Florida State in their non-conference and have Utah and TCU has conference foes, which gives them three more top 20 opponents this season.  If they can run the table after this win, things will be very interesting come year end.  And by interesting I mean they will get screwed out of the BCS championship and there will be a lot of bitching but in the end nothing will change because "money makes the world go round, and ain't nothin' free in the world in life, no matter who you are in life everybody got their price."

Also I just read that Bradford reads the David vs. Goliath story from the Bible before every game.  Dude.  You're favored every time.  That makes no damn sense.  Think on that whilst you peruse this:

2.  Oklahoma State football.  In what was a very good week for the Big 12 (10-2 overall), the Cowboys' week one victory over #13 Georgia is certainly the most impressive.  Dez Bryant (aka the next Michael Crabtree) caught 2 TD passes from gayly named QB Zac Robinson and OSU picked up a big win, 24-10.  You know how good Bryant will be?  I'm going to go ahead and tag this post with his name, just because I know I will be referencing him again in the future.  Yeah.  I did that.

3.   Ralph Bolden.  Yeah, I don't know who he is either, but when a Big Ten running back, in this case a Boiler, goes off for 234 rushing yards and two scores, I figure I should pay some attention.  Since I didn't watch the game, I went to check on what my boys over at Boiled Sports had to say, but I got distracted because Purdue has a fullback with the name "Jared Crank."  Is that the coolest thing you've ever heard or what?  I don't even remember what else I was going to say.  How fun would it be to introduce yourself to people if that was you name?  And you know he hits the emphasis on the Crank, just to make the old white establishment a little uncomfortable.

4.  Wade Davis.  Do the Rays just have an unending stream of completely ridiculous awesome prospects or what?  Davis was the team's #2 prospect going into the season (behind David Price) and made his first start yesterday.  How'd he do?  Seven innings, three hits, a walk, one run, and nine strikeouts.  Seriously, they just have an unending stream of top prospects who actually pan out, so much so that they can go ahead and trade someone like Scott Kazmir.  Meanwhile I'm stuck watching the Twins and the constant "upside = 4th starter" boners they trot out.  Anthony Swarzak in the Twins' system is like Davis for the Rays right now.  Remember when the Twins had a deep farm system?  How do you screw that all up without actually bringing in any kind of worthwhile veteran player?  I'm super crabby right now.

5.  Jared Crank.  Just so awesome.  And he's only a sophomore.  The next Mike Alstott?  Sure, why not.  Abso-freakin-lutely.  Career stat tracker:  1 catch, 4 yds.  0 rushing attempts.  Stay tuned for greatness.

WHO SUCKED

1.  Gopher football.  I know they won, and maybe sucked is a bit rough since they managed to come back and win in overtime, but this was an ugly, horrible, mistake-filled, boring, lame, crappy game - but yes they did win.  Weber was essentially worthless all game, up until the last drive, and our new "weapon" MarQueis Gray got what, two snaps?  Ugly game, luckily the 'Cuse was so awful (although I found myself impressed a bit by Paulus, I expected much worse) that it didn't matter in the end, when Weber finally got his shit together.  Expectations have been tempered, with the defense looking like the same porous unit we saw last year, but, if you want to be an optimist, a win is a win, and a win on the road against a BCS conference team is a good win.  I, on the other hand, prefer to look at this as a reminder that Gopher football sucks, and they'll be lucky to make a bowl game.

I also wanted to quickly say, and this is very difficult for me, that I was wrong about Eric Decker.  I've always thought he was more a product of Weber having radar lock on him, but it turns out he's actually a very, very good receiver.  I don't know what it was about this particular game that won me over (probably that catch in double coverage he had no business coming down with), but I have been won and now think he would be a good second round pick for somebody.

That hurt. 

2.  Big Ten football.  The whole, "The Big Ten Conference sucks" talk is going to start even earlier this season and likely get even more annoying than usual thanks to a lackluster first weekend amongst the teams.  Not only did the Gophers get taken to OT by the Orange, but Ohio State, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin were all disappointments as well.  Nobody moreso than the Illini, who welcomed their hated rival Missouri into Champaign and ended up getting their tails kicked, 37-9 as Juice Williams continues to do his best Vince Young impression (the pro version).  Iowa (a 30 point favorite) had to block two Northern Iowa field goals in the last few seconds thanks to a rule that I still don't understand to avoid losing to the I-AA school (or whatever it's called now).  Wisconsin (a 19 point favorite) only beat Northern Illinois by 8 and Indiana, a 30 point favorite over Eastern Kentucky, prevailed by just six after not scoring the entire second half.  Even Ohio State, the jewel of the conference and a 21 point favorite, needed an interception on a 2-pt conversion attempt to beat Navy.  If OSU gets their doors blown off this week by USC (and if Michigan loses to Notre Dame) expect the Big Ten bashing to reach epic proportions.

3.  The Minnesota Twins.  The stupid Twins lost 2 of 3 this weekend to the piece of crap Indians, while the Tigers swept the Rays to extend their lead in the central to an almost certainly insurmountable seven game lead.  The suddenly offensively challenged Twins scored all of seven runs in the three games, which is understandable considering they faced Cy Young contenders Jeremy Sowers, Justin Masterson, and David Huff.  Special shout out to Justin Morneau, who went 0-11 in the series, running his hitless streak to 19 straight at-bats.  Remember those MVP dreams?  Or worrying about Morneau stealing MVP votes from Mauer?  Yeah.  I think we're good.

4.  Josh Hamilton.  Remember last year how everybody was so madly in love with Hamilton because he had the talent to make millions playing a kids' game but pissed it away crack and then got clean because his grandma yelled at him and then made it back to the pros and hit 11 billion home runs in the home run derby but lost to Justin Morneau but nobody remembers that and then this year he has sucked and fell off the wagon that one time with the booze?  Remember all that?  Well Hamilton still stucks this year, but now he is battling a bad back and even had to get an epidural this weekend, as is looking at getting another shot tomorrow.  You know what they say; Epidurals are a gateway drug.  I fully expect a backslide, leading to some time in a Tijuana prison for drug trafficking.  I'm just stating the obvious.  Also I want to use this space to tell you that Ben Stiller is really not that funny.  Stop it.

5.  Pittsburgh Pirates.  Seventeen straight losing seasons.  Seventeen.  They actually held it off yesterday with a walk-off Garrett Jones hit (GARRETT JONES!!!) to beat the Cards, but they aren't going to run the table, and as such are going to hit the record for consecutive losing seasons by a major american sport team.  I do like what the Pirates are doing finally, blowing up the whole deal and essentially starting over.  They have shipped off almost any "veteran" with talent, and with the exception of the McLouth trade they all make a ton of sense, and they are stockpiling arms and prospects and have a little hope for the first time in a long time.  That, of course, doesn't change the fact that they haven't had a winning season since 1992.  Zane freaking Smith was on that team.  As were Gary Redus, Cecil Espy. Lloyd Mcclendon, Steve Buechele, Mike LaValliere, tom Prince, and Bob Walk.  If you're not getting how long ago that was just yet, how about these things which happened in 1992:

• The Redskins won the Super Bowl over the Bills at the Metrodome
• Mike Tyson was convicted of rape (yeah, right)
• The English FA Premier League was formed
• Jeff Dahmer was framed and sentenced to life in prison
• John Gotti was framed and sentenced to life in prison
• Microsoft releases Windows 3.1
• Johnny Carson retires from The Tonight Show
• Brett Favre made his first start for the Pack

Uh.  Yeah.


The last thing I want to mention is that if you aren't watching Greek on ABC Family, you need to start.  It's really an excellent show, and if you need more convincing here are four very good reasons:

Experimental Live College Football Blog

I'm bored, I have tomorrow off, and the baby and Mrs. W are sleeping.  There is no Twins game tonight, so instead I will be taking in the Oregon Ducks vs. Boise State Somethings (Cowboys?), the biggest game on opening college football night with both teams ranked in I think the top 15.  Since I'm bored, this is the only thing on, and I have a brand spanking new bottle of Skyy Vodka, I'm going to try something new.  I'm going to live blog this.

-  Keep this in mind:  I don't watch college football.  I mean, I'll flip it on a game here and there, and I know some teams and players, but I am no expert at all.  I know Boise State has a good QB, Oregon has a good QB, and neither teams plays a lick of defense.  Sounds fun.  Let's see how this goes.

-  We have OVER 65, Oregon +3, and YES there will be a score in the first 5.5 minutes.

-  I've gotten four texts from Snacks who is drafting his work fantasy football team:

1. "2 TEs taken in round three tonight.  Gotta love it."
2. "Percy Harvin just went in round 5!"
3. "First defense off the board in round 6"
4. "Some guys RBs right now are Chester Taylor, Donald Brown, and Beanie Wells."
5. "Oooh Oooh Kicker in the 8th!!!!"

I really hope he wins.

-  Wow, we almost had a fight already.  At the coin flip.  We have a real Montague vs. Capulet vibe going on here.  

-  Jeremiah Masoli is the Oregon QB, and they'll start from their own 42.  If Akili Smith has taught me anything, it's that no matter what kind of numbers this guy puts up, no NFL team should draft him early.  (HINT = he's black and from Oregon).

- A punt?  What the hell is this shit?  I was promised an offensive shoot out.  And Oregon's punter is named Jackson Rice and he's white.  I'm so confused.

- Oh, and he was the #1 high school punter in the country.  That's just weird.

-  Boise's QB is named Kellen Moore (not to be confused with Kellen Clemens, who I think was also a Duck).  He was the WAC freshman of the year last season.  I like to call him the MarQueis Gray of the WAC.

-  Moore is currently slicing up the Duck secondary like a fat girl with a wedding cake.  Want to know his secret?  He's left-handed.  Everything is easier if you're a lefty.  Except Scissors. 

-  Snacks would like you all to know that they just started round 9 and there are already 8 defenses off the board.  Who's in this league, Bogart?  (NOTE:  his first two picks off our keeper league draft were defenses.  He also continues to hold onto Reggie Bush like grim death).

- Do you remember Grandslam from this blog?  He was our golf writer for a while but stopped writing and was replaced by Faldo who might have quit now as well?  He is constantly changing his facebook status to be a catchphrase by one of the KFAN guys.  He probably loves Paul Allen too.  I don't know how it's possible we're related.

- Broncos (NOTE:  not Cowboys) in the midst of a long, tedious drive highlighted by a bunch of short passes by this Moore fella.  Although it's good to know that he has reached Favre-like status with these announcing dingleberries.  He fumbles a shotgun snap, picks it back up, rolls out (left, of course, which confused everyone) and completes it for a 15 yard gain to the three-yard line.  Announcer #1 said it was "obviously a bad snap" even though it was waist high and within his elbow-span and Announcer #2 said it "might have been a trick play, you never know with Boise."  They had one awesome trick play that lead to a win over Oklahoma that one time, it's not like they're out there running Tecmo Style (RIP John Stephens) flea-flickers.  I'm going to have to keep an eye on this.

-  Just saw an email I got from 2P, with mine, his, and Snacks predictions for this Twins season.

The good:

• Crain has an ERA over 4.50 (WWWWWW)
• No reliable 8th inning guy all year (WWWWWW)
• Kubel hits 25 homers (WWWWWW)
• Gomez improves his K/BB rate but everything else is around the same (WWWWWW)
• Crede plays less than 115 games (2P)
• Crain struggles and is a non-factor out of the bullpen (2P)

The bad:

•  Crain with an ERA under 2.50 (Snacks)
• Liriano wins 15+ (WWWWWW, 2P)
  
•  Mauer plays in less than 115 games (Snacks)
•  Span regresses (Snacks) 
• Mauer less than 6 home runs (2P)
• Kubel less than 20 homers (2P)
•  Delmon Young breakout year = 22+ HRs, .300+ avg - (2P)
•  Dickey 10 or more starts (2P)
•  Buscher 10+ homers (2P)
•  Plouffe starting shortstop by season's end (2P)

I win.

-  Boise misses what looks like a 10 yard field goal.  It's still 0-0 with 2 minutes left in the first quarter and the Ducks punted yet again.  These jackass announcers are now extolling the virtues of the blue turf, but I'm starting to realize it's really pretty damn stupid.

- I have to point out a blog post from the Star Trib that my good buddy Klingler pointed out to me.  In it, the writer (Michael Rand) found an article from the Wall Street Journal saying that Derek Jeter should get MVP consideration in a "lifetime achievement award" kind of way, and he destroys it Fire Joe Morgan style.  It hurts to praise the Star Trib, but good is good, so go read it.

- Holy god this is so boring.  I just flipped over to the Seattle/Oakland preseason game.  Maybe I can watch Michael Bush run all over people's faces.

- God, they're interviewing some dork from some MLS team.  I'm flipping back.

- So Percy Harvin has now been traded twice in our keeper league since being drafted less than a week ago.  I don't know that I have a point, I just find it interesting.

- Another missed field goal by Boise.  I have to be honest with you here.  I was, for some reason, really fired up for some college football this year.  Just 26 real minutes into the season, and I'm already limp.  I may have to pull the plug.

- Hey the Raiders have Gary Russell!  Thus kind of making this gopher related.  I've now seen one carry for -2 yards, but to be fair it wasn't his fault, the o-line sucks.  And now he catches a screen, breaks a couple tackles, makes a couple guys miss, and picks up 13 for the first down.  I'm starting to think I should pick him up.

- If you're still reading this, make sure you check out my book recommendation below.

- I really want a PS3, but I'm poor as a dirt farmer in dirt land, so I checked my American Express rewards account.  In the year and half I've had this card and been at my current job, I've racked up 19,800 points.  A PS 3 is 78,900.  So that means I will be the proud owner of a PS3 around April 2014.  Party at my place.

- Touchdown Boise!!!!!!!!!!!111

 

-  And they run in the two point conversion!!!

-  This freaking Masaoli character can't complete a pass at all.  It's like he's the Akili Smith of the Pac 10.  Jackson Rice on to punt yet again.  I think he's their only good player.

-  Boise punts.  This is the most boring thing I've ever done.  I quit.  I can't take it.  I'd rather watch "Sharks in Venice" again.  These are two of the best team's in college football?  I just can't do it.  Here is a picture of a hot duck to make it up to you:

Book Review: Our Boys

Some of my favorite books are those that follow one team or one conference throughout an entire season, chronicling the ups and downs and inner workings of a season - John Feinstein's "A Season on the Brink" about Bobby Knight and Indiana basketball is a perfect example. Perhaps even more enjoyable is a similar book, but about players and teams I have never heard of, and thus have no preconceived notions about - Feinsten's "The Last Amateurs" and "Fall River Dreams" by Bill Reynolds are great, great books.

I just finished another example of this type in "Our Boys" by Joe Drape, and I have to highly recommend it.  In it Drape covers a full season in the life of the Redmen of Smith Center, Kansas - a high school football team which has won 56 consecutive games, four straight state championships, and outscored their opponents by over 700 points last season, including having jumped to a 72-0 first quarter lead against one team.  However things are looking shaky.  The seniors who had won those four straight championships were gone, and a new group would have to step up. 

Drape does an excellent job of letting us know what things are like in the middle of the country, 90 miles from the nearest McDonald's.  Although the town is obsessed with the football team, they are obsessed about it more like a loving parent than a crazy pyschotic lunatic like that dude who sits next to us at Gopher basketball games.  You get the sense that the streak is nice, but not life or death, and the town seems to truly believe in itself as one big community.  Even the coach is laid back and normal, and the players even miss practice at times for choir concerts or to act in plays.  Two of the players already own their own cattle business.

This was an excellent read - I finished on a single flight from MSP to Philly.  One interesting thing is that I usually hate when a writer interjects themself into the story and makes it partially about them.  Drape actually moved to Smith Center to write this, mixing in with the town folk and becoming a part of the culture, and he manages to write about it without making i tfeel like it's about him - it's clear it's about the town first, the football team second.  Very cool stuff.  Highly recommended.

New Jersey Part II

You ever have one of those dinners with work people that just makes you want to claw your own ears out?  I mean, it was a really good dinner (bacon-wrapped shrimp, bruschetta, and mini-burger appetizers, micro green salad with apples, walnuts, and feta, with a top sirloin with grilled asparagus along with a few vodka tonics and a couple of glasses of wine) but the conversation was really sub-par.  Most of the time was spent with my co-workers extoling the comedic stylings of Home Improvement, The Nanny, and the George Lopez show and waxing nostaligic for movies like Dirty Dancing, Mannequin, and the Dirty Dozen.  In the meantime I try to slip in a reference to How I Met Your Mother, Seinfeld, or Roadhouse and I'm met with blank stares.  And when the chatter turned to work, I had to hear endlessly about "The Golden Nugget", "Low-hanging fruit", "looking at things from 30,000 feet", and "a long run for a short slide."  Seriously people, just say what you mean and stop sounding like corporate zombies.  Also, when referring to a previous job, please stop saying, "In my past life."  Just stop.  Let's just move on.

- Oh, and they all love Family Guy, too.  Ugh.

- Of course, the first thing I do when I get back to my room is check the Twins, and knowing Manship is throwing tonight I'm not expecting much.  But we're actually sitting at 0-0 through three.  How often does a Twins' starter go three innings without giving up a run?  10% of the time?  5%?  I need to get a slingbox, I'd love to be watching this game.  Although it looks like Denard just hit into a double play.  I'm assuming it was a rocket.  Keep smilin' Denard!

 

- How about the White Sox throwing in the towel?  I can't say I blame them.  They're too busy molesting little kids and visiting Turkish Bath Houses to be a real team.  After trading Thome and Contreras, I really wanted to know if they got anything decent back (hopefully not), but ESPN has their most recent transaction as calling up Freddy Garcia on August 19th.  Thanks ESPN!  You are truly the sports leader.  While I look elsewhere for the info, go ahead and chew on the logic of picking up Alex Rios and his contract right before you attempt to rebuild.

- Found a little info thanks to some website called Google.  The Sox got minor league infielder Justin Fuller from the Dodgers for Thome.  Fuller is nowhere to be found on any Dodger top prospect lists.  He's never been a big hitter, but has shown a little more promise this year, and has some value as a guy who can play every position, infield and out.  So like a Denny Hocking.  I'm not terrified.  From the Rockies (for Contreras), they picked up minor league pitcher Brandon Hynick.  This is, frankly, truly bizarre.  Contreras is, as you may recall, a broken down old man who says he's 37 but is probably more like 43 and on his best day is no more than a #5 starter.  Hynick, on the other hand, was a top 20 or top 10 prospect in the Rockies system at the beginning of the year depending on where you looked.  He didn't have a great year (4.98 ERA), but did register a 3-1 K to BB ratio.  The knock on him is that he doesn't have great stuff, but he does have great command of his pitches, and the Twins have shown those kind of pitchers can have at least a modicum of success in the AL Central.  A case of the Sox trying to get more and more like the Twins?  Maybe.  But I know one thing for sure, Rockies' fans should be pissed about this one.

- Home run Cuddyer to even the score.  Suck it, I Hate Cuddyer Guy.

- Hold on, I think I just remembered that this hotel bar has the baseball package.

-  Yep, sure did.  Just got back from watching the Twins beat the White Sox in the bottom of the ninth, which is essentially a ritual at this point.  At least so much so that after I asked the bartender for the Twins game, and he couldn't find it, I said, "try channel 668" which had the game.  He asked how I knew that and I said, "Same channel as back home."  Random guy says, "Is home Minnesota or Chicago?"  I says to him, "Minnesota" and he says, "I hate that fucking stadium.  I can't wait for next year."  It's these moments, and only these few moments, when I'm going to miss the dome.  It is so much in Chicago's head it's like a suburban white boy playing ball against Gary Payton in his prime.

- In case you missed it, Jose Morales knocked in the winning run in the bottom of the ninth in his first at-bat back from AAA.  Awesome.  That guy can seriously rake.  I say we trade Mauer now before it's too late and give the catcher job to him.  Other observations from tonight's game:

• Cuddy with a second home run.  He drives me crazy, but there's no doubt he can hit.  And still has the best arm on the team.
• Casilla bouncing into a key double play for the Sox.  I have to be honest, I'm not overly impressed since he's back up.  
• Guerrier comes in and does what he does, namely give up a game-tying home run to David Beckham.
• Jermaine Dye has got to be the scariest mo fo in the league.  I've always been so scared of Thome when they play the Sox, I've mostly been able to ignore how terrifying Dye is.  Not any more.
• At one point I switched seating areas in the bar (more on that later) and I was now watching the White Sox feed.  After Dye's fly out to the track, they started in on the "dome air conditioning blows in when the visiting team is at bat" theory.  They showed every single air vent in the dome, and actually a couple were blowing in, including the one in left.  Of course, like all shitty conspiracy theorists, they neglected to show the vents while the Twins were hitting.  One sided evidence is not evidence.
• Jon Rauch is a huge individual, neck tattoo and all.
  
• Right before Morales hit the big game winner, Gomez had a chance to be a hero and instead did his best Cuddyer impression, whiffing on a slider outside and in the dirt.  We already have one of those Gomez, we don't need another.
• Saw Span hit a triple to give the Twins a lead (the one Guerrier later blew).  Afterwards he looked like this:

- There is one good story from the bar.  About fifteen minutes or so after I came down and had them switch the tv to the Twins game, some guy comes and sits on the same side of the bar as me and asks if they can put it on the Phillies game and the bartender told him he had just switched it for someone else.  Now, the bartender already mentioned the Twins game was on a TV on the other side of the bar, so naturally - being the nice guy I am - I say I can just head over to the other side and watch it, no problem.  So then the guy ends up buying me a drink for being a nice guy.  Funny thing is, the Phillies game was already over at this point.  The guy was so drunk and busy macking on some chick that he never knew.  But hey, free drink, so that works for me.

- And well, it turns out that I accidentally had a lot to drink whilst watching the game, and I'm going to call it a night.  I know, the old me would have kept chugging through and blogged while I could barely see, but apparently I'm a more responsible W.  Dammit.

In New Jersey and I'm Lame

Now out in New Jersey, there may be a part two, I don't know, the title is optimistic.  You know what was really fun?  Sitting in the middle of a bunch of post-college frat guy types on the flight out here.  Frat guys are pretty much always douchebags, but this group truly excelled.  Besides calling each other names like Beatnik, Obama, Peanut, and Cheddar, and talking about some game of Ultimate Frisbee that was truly "epic", they also kept us entertained, loudly entertained, with their "humor."  This including not only taking picutres of their friends when they were sleeping and then giggling like middle school girls, but also showing us their incredible wit, such as when the the flight attendant guy came over to us in the exit row and asked if we were familiar with the procedures and how the exit doors work.  Frat guy's response, "Oh my god, you mean we're on an airplane!  Why didn't anyone tell me?" and then proceeding to ask if they should test out the door right now or wait until we were in the air.  Classic frat guy, classic.  So that was a pretty painful flight.

-  Holy geez, I had forgotten how terrible Chris Berman is.  If you're the first to start with the catch phrase crap and all that, shouldn't you at least be somewhat entertaining, rather than ear splittingly annoying?

-  Watching a bit of the Vikes game here before I head out to meet my co-workers for a drink, and holy crap is Adrian Peterson ridiculous.  First play, 75 yard touchdown.  And it wasn't even close.

-  Wildcat offense with Percy the "QB."  I'm not so sure here.  It worked for about 7 on a handoff to AP, and I'm not necessarily completely against it per se even though I think defenses are going to be prepared to stop any team that runs it, but I don't know about unveiling it in a preseason game.  The team never ran it last season, so why let anybody know you have it in your playbook now?  But hey, I'm no offensive genius guru like Childress, so what do I know?

-  I'm back.  It was pretty boring.  We had asked the one local amongst us to take us to a sports bar, so somehow we ended up at Chevy's Mexican Restaurant, and even ended up at a table in the back, not in the bar, and no where near a TV or sports bar type of place.  I guess that's what happens when you put a girl in charge.

 - So 17-10 Vikes.  And I just saw a deep ball to Andre Johnson.  Andre Johnson?  Why is he still in the game?  It's still preseason, right?  I would say I hpe he gets hurt, except he's pretty important to my fantasy team so I just hope they get him the hell out of there.

- Christ, Favre isn't even in anymore and the announcers are still slobbering all over him.  Even though I'm going to be rooting for him this year, it's going to be very, very trying season.

- I thought I would write more tonight, but it turns out I'm actually quite tired and have quite a bit to do tomorrow, so I'm going to have to cut it short.  Hopefully there will be more tomorrow.  This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Weekend Review - 8/31/2009

Keeping it short this week, since I have to head to the airport soon.  Yes, I'm heading out to New Jersey again.  There may be some drunk blogging, but I have to take it kind of easy since I have to be all involved in the meetings and can't just spend the whole time hungover.  Or at least that's the theory.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Brian Duensing.  I'm assuming you probably saw Duensing's start on Friday, but if you didn't, you missed a thing of beauty.  Perhaps in was magnified by the type of starting pitching I'm used so seeing out of the Twins' rotation, but I am now really impressed with Duensing, and am starting to think he's got a good future; not an ace, but a middle rotation kind of guy - so the Twins' ace, basically.  Against a quality offensive team in the Rangers, he went seven innings and gave up just three hits and walk, while allowing no runs and striking out a career-high eight.  He's definitely starting to come around, and he doesn't walk anybody, has a decent strikeout rate, and gets a lot of ground balls.  My new favorite Twins' pitcher?  Yes.  Yes, indeed.   

2.  Hakeem Nicks.  I have been dying to write this guy up, but since we didn't do our Keeper League draft yet, I didn't want to tip my hand.  Now that it's complete (yes I got Nicks) I can tell you:  this guy is the real deal, and showed it with 6 catches for 144 and 2 tds in the Giants' loss to the Jets Saturday.  He has good size and strength, making him an excellent red zone target, has the best hands of any receiver in the draft, and runs excellent routes.  The only knock on him at all is his speed, but he was able to get behind the defense and out-run everybody for 71 yards for one of those TDs saturday and had a 55 yarder in the Giants previous game.  Oh, and you know who else was thought to be slow coming out of college?  Jerry Rice, Cris Carter, and Terrell Owens.  And Nicks is from North Carolina, which gives me an excuse to re-post this:

  

3.  Ernie Els.  I suppose if I wanted to pick somebody from The Barclays this weekend, it would make more sense to pick little known and little ranked Heath Slocumb (no relation to the fat, crappy relief pitcher of the same name from the 90s) who drained a 20 footer for par on 18 to win - a putt that if missed would have put him into a playoff against Tiger, Paddy Harrington, Els, and Steve Stricker, but I'm going with Els instead.  Ernie had seemingly dropped out of the ranks of the elite level golfers, having one just once since 2004, but has really come back on of late.  He's been on quite a run, culminating in his runner-up finish this weekend in New Jersey.  Prior to that he finished sixth at the PGA, and has picked up a top 8 finish in four of his last six tournaments.  Big Easy might be back. 

4.  Zack Greinke.  What more can even be said about Greinke at this point?  Ho-hum, he pitched a complete game shutout, 1 hitter against the Mariners yesterday.  Greinke is now first in the league in ERA by almost a half run (2.32 vs. Felix at 2.77), first in WHIP, first in OPS against, second in batting average against, third in K/9, second in K/BB, first in complete games, first in shut outs, second in strikeouts, and third in quality start percentage.  And yet, because he's "only" 13-8 and plays for the crappy Royals, he won't win the Cy Young Award, in what will be a true travesty.  It'll go to Beckett or Sabathia or Verlander, Texeira will win MVP, and anybody with any rational thinking skills who hasn't realized it yet will realize the MLB awards are often a joke.

5.  Matt Leinart.  Leinart has spent more time in hot tubs since entering the NFL than studying his playbook, and it's showed.  Last season the job of QBing the Cardinals was his to take, but he lost out to 50 year old Kurt Warner, and this season a report came out that Leinart was in competition for even the back up job.  Well, this weekend he took a nice step towards solidfying that back up role, throwing for 360 yards and 3 TDs against the Packers.  Yes, it was the second half and thus the second team defense, but anything is a positive for Leinart now.  Although there's pretty much no way he was going to lose the backup job to Brian St. Freaking Pierre - although if that motivated him, bravo Cardinals coach.  Bravo.



WHO SUCKED


1.  Steve Marino & Paul Goydos.  Nobody trusts lower tier golfer types when they have the fifty-four hole lead, and this weekend was a perfect illustration of why.  Marino and Goydos were tied at nine under par going into Sunday's final round - 2 shots clear of the rest of the field, when it was all settled, Goydos dropped to ninth, Marino fifteenth.  At least Goydos had the decency to take all the suspense out of it right way, double bogeying the third on his way to a four over par 75.  Marino actually was part of the crowded group at the top of the leader board but completely melted down with a triple bogey at 15, and then closed out with bogeys on 17 and 18 to finish with a 77 - the worst round of the day.    


2.  Chicago White Sox.  The always suck, but they sucked even worse this weekend, getting swept by the Yankees and getting one-hit by Sergio freaking Mitre.  Just how bad are the White Sox these days?  They are 1.5 games back of the Twins.

3.  Toronto Blue Jays.  Didn't they start the year well and look like they might be a factor in the East?  Not so much anymore.  After getting swept by the Red Sox, they are now 58-70, 23 games out of first.  Guess you probably should have traded Halladay, huh Ricciardi?  This trade deadline, when you had all the leverage.  You think you're getting more for him next year?  No.  Whiffed on your best chance to rebuild around Travis Snider and the guys you could have gotten from Philly.  Have fun in the basement for the next decade, even the Orioles look like they're figured out how to build a team.

4.  Trent Edwards.  Perhaps you recall once reading on this very blog how J.P. Losman was poised for a good year.  Well, I was wrong.  That doesn't mean the Bills have got it figured out yet though, as their starter for this year, Trent Edwards, is looking like all kinds of crap.  Against the Steelers this weekend, Edwards completed just 6 of 13 pass attempts for just 31 yards and tossed a pick that was returned for a Steeler touchdown.  Now, Edwards also had a game this preseason when he was a perfect 10-10, which reminds us that the preseason is generally not overly useful when it comes to evaluating players, but I still feel pretty comfortable saying Trent Edwards sucks.

5.  Michael Cuddyer.  I know you're thinking Cuddy had a hit in all three games this weekend, how could he have sucked?  Well, I'll tell you.  Saturday night, sixth inning, Twins down 2-0.  Runners on 1st and 3rd.  Cuddyer strikes out on a slider outside and in the dirt.  Same game, Twins down to their last out - Cuddy strikes out.  Sunday, Twins down 3-2 in the 8th, two runners on, Cuddyer strikes out on a slider outside and in the dirt.  It's maddening.  Look, I have no major issue with strikeouts.  A lot of very good hitters strike out a lot.  But the way Cuddy does it, he's not even getting beat by the pitcher, he's beating himself because he's either too stupid or too stubborn.  I'm starting to think I could strike him out if I had a 1-2 count on him.  It's enfuriating.  

Mali-BOOOO! (Live Movie Blog)

Clearly I haven't learned my lesson yet, because I am once again back with another live movie blog. Tonight I will be taking on Malibu Shark Attack, a Sci Fi SyFy original movie that aired for the first time about a month or so ago, but which I am just not getting around to watching. Even though it's the movie out of that marathon I am most looking forward to, I'm also very nervous that it will suck. Spring Break Shark Attack was wildly successful at creating a good shark movie, and I loved it, and this one seems, at least I hope, to have that kind of potential. All I want is a realistic, well-done shark movie. I don't even need great acting, and don't need great effects. Just be realistic, and don't be stupid. Please. Think of the children.

- Ok, before the opening credits even roll, we see a shark eat a grouper, and then that shark gets eaten by a much bigger shark. This leads me to believe we are going to be dealing with some some of freakishly large shark, so you can probably thrown out my hope of a realistic movie right away. Nothing like crushing my dreams in the first ten seconds.

- Our main characters look to all be life guards so far. Remember Baywatch? Nicole Eggert was the hottest one.

- Shit. I just read the DirectTV summary for this: An Earthquake unleashes huge, prehistoric sharks that terrorizes the California coast. Great.

- We just saw a pack of these prehistoric sharks, and they look like goblin sharks. Now while that might be the coolest name for an animal ever, it's a curious choice for an antagonist animal in a movie. Yes, they look scary, but their max length is only about 10 feet and they are skinny for their size (max weight = 350 lbs., like your mom) and as such have very little power. They also don't attack humans, and usually eat small fish and squid (note: not the giant kind). They also aren't prehistoric, they actually live now. I now this because I spent an hour a while back watching a documentary called, "Quest for the Goblin Shark" on The Science Channel. And they found one. And they accidentally get caught in nets all the time. Not prehistoric. Photo evidence:

Scary looking? Yes. A danger to humans? No. Prehistoric? No.

- Oh, and also they don't travel in schools. Mother F. We're five minutes in and already set a record for scientific inaccuracies.

- I just found out I'm going to be able to go to the opening game at TCF Bank Stadium. I'm not exactly the world's biggest college football fan, but I'm pretty stoked.

- One of the female lifeguards looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal if she died her hair blonde and then injected an assload of testosterone into her body while smoking a carton of cigarettes.

- Holy god the acting in this is maybe the worst we've had yet. At least a cute blonde girl finally showed up. And we've already had three shark-related fatalities. Plus, it's on a beach so there's lots of bikinis running about. But still, the acting. Oof.

- Some dude who looks like Michael Madsen just proposed to some old lady life guard. This guarantees the old lady lifeguard is going to be the heroine. You watch.

- Some teenages are now drinking beer and going parasailing, which, if they had watched some other shark movie I can't remember right now, they would know that parasailing is a good way to get chomped by a shark. Which, by the way, are now definitely confirmed as goblin sharks after a few close ups. This is so weird. There are plenty of really scary and awesome sharks out there, but they go with a small, harmless shark and magically give it not only the aggression, but the tools to kill people.

I get why you might not want to do Great Whites, which have been done to death, but why not switch to the Tiger? That thing is totally wicked awesome, but Spring Break Shark Attack is the only movie to feature it. The Bull Shark attacks more people than any other shark, but as far as I know, the only movie made featuring a bull is something called Red Water, starring Kristy Swanson and Mr. Belding (and which I can't find on tv, ever). The point is you don't have to give a species attributes it doesn't possess just because it has a cool name - there are tons of cool sharks still waiting for movies to be made about them.

- During all that those kids what were parasailing got eaten. And now there was another earthquake and there is a tsunami alert. That's another thing that's been bugging me; why do all these shark/croc/squid movies feel the need to toss in a natural disaster, too? When Luke and Han got all effed up in Empire Strikes Back, they didn't feel the need to have a cyclone come whipping into Cloud City.

- Cute blonde girl is now in a bikini top, and she's running down the beach with a young male lifeguard who I am going to call Tackleberry. She is very bouncy and very natural. He runs like a fag. Seriously. You know that kid in elementary school who didn't have the coordination enough to even run and kind of looked special at Track & Field Day running the 50 meters? Like that, but with more gay.

- Preceeding the Tsunami, a Goblin Shark washes up on the beach in front our lifeguards. Somehow old lady lifeguard is smart enough to identify it as a Goblin Shark, but also goes with the, "they are supposed to be extinct" followed in the next sentence by "they are really rare." Which is it, lady? Extinct, or rare? Because you can't have both. And, as discussed earlier, they aren't supposed to be extinct. Not even a little bit. Stop lying.

- I just looked up that blonde girl, and her name is Chelan Simmons. She's done a lot of work, but nothing that really stands out with the exception of Stephen King's It, in which she played the little girl who gets killed first when Pennywise returns. I suppose I should supply a picture (not of when she was a little girl, pervo).



- The tsunami has hit the life guard tower with our heroes still in it. Luckily, it hit with the force of someone taking a bucket of water and tossing it at the tower. Unluckily, it seems the entire beach is now underwater, and they are trapped in the tower (which is half-submerged). I'm guessing this is where the sharks come in.

- There's also a house near the beach where a bunch of construction workers are trapped now too. There was some whole sub-plot going on with them but I wasn't really paying attention so I don't know what it was. Seems better for all of us that way.

- That hot blonde chick got her leg whacked and is now bleeding . the blood which is seeping into the water and attracting the thought-to-be-extinct goblin sharks. The goblin sharks OF DOOM.

- It seems she needs stitches, but since they're trapped the only possibility is to have the manly Maggie Gyllenhaal stitch her up with needle and thread. Ouch. This girl is quite the screamer. Tackleberry is either grossed out or turned on - he's not exactly the king of emoting through facial expressions.

- Wow. Way to drag out a scene of a chick getting stitches for 20 minutes in a god damn shark movie. And this chick is way less hot now. What a whiner. Talk about high maintenance. She's the J-Lo of shark movie chicks.

- Speaking of high maintenance, I miss Super Sioux Fan.

- I still can't get over pack-hunting, aggressive, human-killing goblin sharks. Which by the way are continually circling this life guard stand because a couple of drops of blood fell in the water a half hour ago.

- Oh for christ's sake. The old lady life guard, the one who identified these sharks as "extinct" goblin sharks, just told one of the other life guards that they are "the same species as the Great White." First of all, goblin sharks aren't related to great whites in the slightest, except they both have the word "shark" in their name and both live in the ocean. Second, if goblin sharks were the same species as Great Whites, they'd just be Great Whites. Great white is it's own species, as is goblin shark. As is cat. And dog. That sentence is like saying, "Hey, that cow is the same species as that spider." I'm going to kill this movie.

- And now they use echo-location to find their prey. Like bats. Which, I think this goes without saying, is completely untrue in every way. If you're going to completely make stuff up, I'd go with a shark whose fins were actually chainsaws.

- Sentence just uttered, "this is a species of shark that hasn't been seen in millions of years." Even Mrs. W laughed at that one, and said, "Didn't we just watch a documentary on this kind of shark?" Yes. Yes we did. We were lucky we caught that one. It's not often you get to see footage of a creature that hasn't been seen in millions of years.

- Remember the part where I mentioned that the old lady lifeguard just got engaged so she would end up living until the end? Well the sharks must have echo-located her standing in the guard tower, because they rammed it from the bottom and then ate the crap out of her. So yeah, I was way off. They were probably pissed from all the disinformation and false rumors she was spreading about them.

- I would try to describe how dumb this scene just was, but I seriously don't have the words.

- Hm. It seems the construction people in that house are unaware of our little shark problem, because some chick just decided to go swim to the mainland to try to find a boat. Well, let's just say the construction workers are fully aware of the sharks now.

- Oh, and I guess they can jump now because they just got another construction guy who was standing on the dock. Mrs. W is currently cackling out loud at the effects in this movie. I haven't touched on them yet, but they are wretched. I think Jaws for Nintendo had better animation than this - better plot, too.

- I think I'll probably write more on the Twins' moves at some point, but real quick: We should be very fired up by the Jon Rauch acquisition. The guy is a top flight set up man, and has experience as a closer. He immediately displace Guerrier as the 8th inning righty. Mahay is kind of meh, but at the same time he upgrades the Twins bullpen just by his experience and the fact that almost all the bullpen guys suck. He's 38 and has fallen off a bit this year, but has been a pretty good reliever throughout his career. He should take half the Jesse Crain role, with Guerrier slipping down to take the other half, while Crain takes over mop up duty.

For the starters, obviously I would love it if they can swing a way to get Harden. Even if he only pitches 6 times, that will probably be the Twins six best chances to win the rest of the year. If Harden doesn't work out, I've heard Penny has a decent chance of ending up here (although how sweet would it be to get both). He hasn't been as good as he used to, and he's no Harden, but once again, he'd probably be the team's best pitcher, so I'm all for it.  Although after watching Duensing, maybe we just try to pitch him every other day?

- Some studly lifeguard guy is going to make a swim for it from the tower. Apparently he's not scared of this echo-location garbage. The douchenozzles in the tower are going to distract the sharks by yelling. You know, because sound travels through water so well. And there's the, you know, echo-location problem to deal with. And for some reasons the sharks keep trying to get through the hole they already broke in the bottom of the thing to eat the lady who was full of lies.

- I guess stud daddy McGee was just trying to get the flare gun which was at the bottom of the ocean - which he did. But then he shot a shark with it - the only flare which he just risked his life to go after. So basically after all that we're at teh same point we were before, except now there's no flares even at the bottom of the ocean, and that hot chick still hasn't taken her top off. I know it's SyFy, but a boy can dream.

- Ugh, that "same species" comment is really getting to me. What she really should have said was that goblin sharks are of the same order as great whites and also are not at all extinct. See, because goblin sharks and great whites both belong to the order of lamniformes, one of the two main orders of sharks (carcharhiniformes being the other main order, including bulls and tigers), however order is three levels removed from species (order, family, genus, species) so really, they aren't that closely related at all. For reference, poodles and polar bears are of the same order - and thus are just as related as goblin sharks and great whites. As are hippos and giraffes. This movie didn't even try.

- Two of the construction workers got a fishing boat and are coming to get the life guards, even though they never were actually able to fire the flare. As they are driving across the water, they are throwing dynamite into the water to keep the sharks away. Trust me, that sentence sounds awesome, but somehow this movie has managed to destroy the long held equation: sharks + explosions = pimp.

- Recently started watching Mad Men. Pretty good so far. Makes me long for the good old days when you could treat a woman like a piece of meat and get drunk at work. But have you noticed that Dom Draper's house looks exactly like the Nightmare on Elm Street house? Super creepy.

- Did you know there is such a thing as a crocodile shark? Now that is a sweet name. Of course, it's the smallest member of the order lamniformes (the same as the Great White - duhn duhn duhn) at only 3 feet long. But it did wreak some serious havoc by biting a bunch of undersea fiberoptic cables laid by AT&T and causing a ton of damage - which I think was actually the plot of Shark Attack 3 and the worst book ever written, Meg by Steve Alten. THE MAIN CHARACTER ENDS UP WALKING AROUND INSIDE A MEGALODON OMG WTF!!!! Don't ever read that.

- A perch and a barracuda are of the same order. Think about that the next time you laugh at a perch. They're practically the same species.

- The world's smallest fishing boat apparently can fit seven people, and the constructioners pick up our life guard friends. The sharks neglect to ram this smallest of boats despite having rammed several boats earlier that were even bigger. But, bummer of all bummers, they run out of gas. They ran out of gas. They have no more fuel. Sometimes I wish I was just making these movies up in my head, and nobody had actually green lighted scripts like this.

-Ugh.  Somehow, despite having no fuel, they magically drifted to the construction house.  Well, not quite to the construction house, they stopped about 25 feet from it for no explainable reason, and are now sitting there and "have to swim for it."  The sharks show up, and old man who got engaged to super-uninformed and now digesting in a shark's belly life guard lady jumps in and swims away from the house to distract the sharks.  Some would say that was noble.  Others, like me, would say he just wants his time on this movie to finally end.

- Now they are in the basement of the construction house, which is half flooded of course, and also of course, somehow a shark got in and is now stalking Tackleberry and hot blondie.  Luckily, Tackleberry saves blondie and severely injures the shark with a chainsaw.  Yep, you read that right.

- Main construction guy somehow blew it up by doing something with some pipes.  I seriously have no idea.  That made less sense than Christina Aguilera marrying that little troll guy she married.

- Ewww.  That manly Maggie G. is now making out with studly McLifeguard.  Gross.  And they appear to be in a truck which is half underwater.  I don't remember how they got there.  That scene must have been hell for that actor guy.

- For some reason Lifeguard guy just got out of the truck and into the water, and of course a shark came after him which he of course then killed using a chainsaw.  Again.  This is so weird.

- They just killed the last shark, this time by trapping and then stabbing it to death with various construction tools.  Then they are finally picked up by helicopter and this garbage is over, but not before we find out that Studly Lifeguard and main construction guy are both in love with manly Maggie.  She says, "How do you boys feel about sharing your toys?"  I'm totally not kidding.  She just proposed a threesome.

Overall, this was awful.  Bad story, faulty science to a degree last seen in a second-grader's story, and put the cherry on top, there were like, no main characters killed.  The end total was five still living, which is an embarrasment itself, and that was out of like seven characters we were actually introduced to.  I had such high hopes, but this might have been the worst one yet.  I'm still not sure why I keep doing this to myself.

Please Explain

If those weirdos in the movie "The Village" didn't want their family to live in the modern world, why didn't they just move to an Amish Village instead of making up this whole fake world with those big ass walls and inventing that gay ass fake monster to scare everbody?

Oh. Watch out for Spoilers up there.