Friday, July 31, 2009

Squids Squeal? (Live Movie Blog)

Hello, and welcome once again to the idiocy that is a Down with Goldy live movie blog, this time taking on Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep. Your summary, via DirecTV: A Marine Archeologist and Sailors search for an artifact guarded by a Giant Squid. Well ok. Let's roll.

- We start out with a naughty couple making out on the deck of a sailboat, when they hear a noise. Girl, "What's that?" Boy, "Probably just the wind, let's make out." Note here folks, when you hear a noise in a scary situation and you're about to get some, it's never the wind. It's always a monster of some type. This is just common sense.

- Ok, horny couple has a kid, who just so happens to be reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. We are less than one minute in, and this is already the cheesiest movie I've ever seen. I haven't decided yet if that is a positive or a negative.

- Squid got the guy, but only by the ankle. He's still holding on to the mast or whatever it is they have on boats. Meaning a giant squid with the strength to take down a Sperm Whale (hee hee) can't separate some fat middle aged piece of garbage's grip from a boat. Oops, and there goes mom into the water. Less than five minutes in and two deaths. Solid.

- I should have mentioned that it is 1982 here, so that means the kid is going to end up coming back and being the "modern day hero." This movie is so cliche ridden it could be the next Scary Movie, if it wasn't taking itself so seriously already. Although the production designer's name in the opening credits is "Tink." I wish I was kidding. I suppose I wouldn't want my name attached to this garbage either.

- Apparently in the "present day" female marine archeologists, which I'm not quite certain are even a real thing, are quite busty and feel like the proper uniform for research is a skimpy bikini. I told you science was awesome.

- Chick with a giant rack in a bikini now reading off nautical coordinates. This might be my favorite movie ever. Not counting The Lost Boys.

- I recognize this main archeologist girl with the big rack. I'm going to see if I can figure out who she is.

- Ok, she was the female lead in the made for TV version of "Journey to the Center of the Earth" from a couple of years ago. I feel a little awkward admitting I watched that, so I'm going to distract you with this picture of her:

- They just told us the name of the artifact they are looking for, it's a Trojan War Mask, which if you know me in real life is all kinds of funny for reasons I'd rather not admit here. Aren't inside jokes the best. Also some old dude just got garroted by some kind of guide-wire for a sail in a freak accident. I'm guessing it's a curse. And then when he fell overboard he got eaten by the squid kraken. So in order to get the Trojan Mask of Death, you have to deal with a curse, a kraken, and some big breasts. And o dear god that's an O'Connell brother. Not the good one. Awesome just got awesomer.

- Speaking of awesome, my life got a lot easier as the big presentation and what not I have referenced on here went off without a hitch this week. A full on month of work boiling down to 55 power point slides and an hour long presentation, and I nailed it like I nailed your mom. Sometimes I'm so awesome it makes me feel sad for other people.

- FYI, I have a non-sexual man crush on Romany Malco, who you remember as "that black guy from 40-year old virgin." You racist son-of-a-bitch.

- Oh crap, not the good O'Connell is going to end up being that kid who is all growns up. God this is awful.

- Average rating for this on IMDB = 3.9 out of 10. Seems high.

- That O'Connell guy's character's name is Ray Rider. Ray freaking Rider. Who wrote this, a team of 13-year olds and/or Michael Scott?

- This weekend is the start of shark week on discovery by the way. Too bad that doesn't mean dick anymore. Shark Week used to mean a whole assload of new shows with new footage and a bunch of very awesome stuff, but now it's just discovery taking their "popular" shows like Mythbusters and Junkyard Wars and shoe-horning in a shark theme. It's gone commercial and sold out. I barely even look forward to it anymore.

- Oh for christ's sake the squid just roared. It roared. Why must everything roar. It's the bane of my existence. If I was LIU, it's my Miles Tarver. Also I've had a couple of beers to celebrate my awesome meeting that I kicked ass at earlier this week.

- There was just a lot of dramatic music, but I'm not sure anything actually happened. That hot chick is in a wetsuit and hyperventilating, so I'm going to assume she must have seen the Squid. Or O'Connell's penis.

- I just read that the Pirates would have taken Aaron Hicks straight up for Freddy Sanchez. Since Hicks has slowed in his development and is hitting just .216 at A ball this year, and we have a ton of outfielders + Ben Revere in the minors, and we would have gotten 2 years at least of Sanchez, wouldn’t you have made that trade? Maybe I should just be happy they did anything at all, but if that's all it took to get Sanchez, coupled with how easy it turned out to get Cabrera, why not get both? Harris is your utility guy, and then take your pick of Punto/Casilla/Buscher and ship the other two to Rochester.

- Well they got their Trojan Mask. That Squid isn't much of a guardian. New troubles are arising, however, because we just saw a second boat pull into view with a bunch of evil looking people all dressed in black. I'm going to guess, based on this movie's complete dependence thus far on stealing formulaic elements from every other movie, that these are the bad guys.

- Some rednecks are now out fishing at night. This has nothing to do with anything, except I'm guessing they can't figure out a way to have the Squid kill more people that fits in with the plot, flimsy as it is. Sorry rednecks. Although this would actually be a pretty good idea in real life. Kill all useless rednecks. Sorry Snake.

- I think I've mentioned this here before, but Rick Reilly used to be a really good columnist when he wrote for the back page of Sports Illustrated. Now, however, he's some kind of combination of Pat Reusse's lack of research and Sid Hartman's senility, culminating in this column about how Tiger Woods needs to stop getting angry on the golf course. My god, what a woman. He swears, he slams clubs, it's corrupting all our children. Shut up. Just shut up and stop being such an idiot. He's allowed to show emotion. I could write on and on about this but it would basically just me calling Reilly an idiot a whole bunch of different ways, so I'll stop.

- I think the bad guys just recruited big boob archeologist's deckhand to do something nefarious. Not sure what exactly, but they beat him up, then threw an envelope of money at him, and then asked "Are we clear?" So expect some ninja type sabotage in the future.

- NOTE: Every time the Trojan Mask has changed hands, it's been associated with a major marine accident. Also Not Jerry O'Connell just confirmed what I had feared - he is indeed the little boy from the opening scene. WHAT A CRAZY PLOT TWIST!

- Yep, big boobs' boat just blowed up. Now she, the other big boob girl, and Not Jerry O'Connell will have to team up with the bad guys in black who apparently have some kind of connection to big boobs. Also I'm not sure why they are still there since they already have the mask, which is what they wanted in the first place. I hate it when I try to make sense out of this crap.

- There is also a big fancy rich Opal down in this same shipwreck where the lady found the mask, and that's what the bad guys are trying to find. The good guys were trying to find the mask, which they already found, and their boat got blowed up, but they are not only still sticking around, the O'Connell character just bought a brand new boat (I'm assuming with the money Jerry got from Can't Hardly Wait). Also the good guys aren't going to have to team up with the bad guys at all. I lied.

- FYI - Earlier tonight we were watching BB gun pitch, and Mrs. W goes "Is that Nick Blackburn?" I said yes and she sighed in a very sexual way. Damn.

- Jerry O'Connell's brother now thinks this isn't a giant squid at all, it's the mythical Scylla from the Odyssey, and it's still around guarding the opal which I guess they must have mentioned earlier but I missed it, probably because I was counting the dots on my ceiling or mentally going over possible new Twins' batting orders or something more entertaining than this.

- Scylla just ate the girl on the evil team. That's too bad, this is her:

- It took three people to write this. Three. I wonder how long they argued about which movie cliches to put in. Although one of the writes has also written Mammoth (about an unthawed Mammoth that terrorizes New Orleans) and Gryphon (about, naturally, a Griffon (spelled correctly). You got to like that commitment.

- The opal is a translucent blue, even though Opals are supposed to be white. Hooray.

- A bunch of people from both teams went diving and there was a bunch of horrible shaking cameras and some people shot other people with harpoons and some people got crunched by Scylla and I think I saw somebody get stabbed with a knife. I'm not sure. It was hard to figure out what was going on there, especially because the Squid kept making squealing noises like a pig that kept making me black out with rage. It looks like the archeologist with the giant rack and the fake O'Connell are both still alive, as is big rack girls' friend, big rack #2, the lead old man bad guy, and his #1 henchman, who is naturally a Russian. The bad guys have the Opal and rack #1, while O'Connell and rack #2 have the mask. I think.

- Wait. The bad guys have both racks, the Opal, and the traitorous deck hand. On that note, I still don't understand why the bad guys blew up the good guys boat, especially because the old guy said, "if it wasn't for [traitor guy], we wouldn't even be here right now." But the only thing traitor guy did was blow up the boat, which didn't help the bad guys find the shipwreck. Confused? I sure the hell am. I'm drunk and all, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have a clue whats going on either way.

- It's going to be very interesting watching Peavy once he gets back from his injury and now on the White Sox. Not only is he going from the NL, which is weaker and has pitchers bat, to the AL, but he's also leaving Petco Park, the most pitcher friendly park in the majors to U.S. Cellular, a hitter's park. Add in the pressure of a pennant race, and we'll find out how good Mr. Peavy is in a hurry.

- Now the Squid is ramming the boat, which, just like squealing like a pig, is complete normal Squid behavior. Oh, right. This isn't a normal giant squid, it's Scylla from 1,000 BC, still hanging around and guarding some random wrong colored Opal, even though the Opal is now gone and so is the mask. Yeah, awesome, right? And how come we still use BC for dates? I thought we had separation of church and state? This is probably all the republicans fault.

- Jerry OConnell's little brother to the rescue! He's now on the bad guys ship, and is being like Stephen Seagal in Under Siege. See, what really makes some of these movies go straight to hell is when they are too shitty to make the creature the antagonist, and instead have to toss in "bad guys" to play that part. The squid in this movie has come in second to the good buy vs. bad guy conflict, and that's retarded because nobody watched this movie for that garbage. I want to see some kind of kick ass creature kill a bunch of fools. I don't need your subtext of a plot, just give me a scary monster and some blood. Sharks in Venice suffered from this same disease (and also had the worst brother in a family). A giant creature movie writes itself, no need to get cute - especially when cute = retarded.

- The last remaining bad guy held rack #2 hostage, but then the squid grabbed them both and chopped them to bits with it's apparently razor sharp suckers. Then it attacked the boat where Oconnel and rack #1 were hanging out. They are the last two left, so I'm guessing they live and win and get rich and make babies and all that jazz.

- Where the fuck did they get a machine gun?

- I guess a machine gun cuts through a squid like a hot knife through a squid. Movie ends with the "Opal" on the sea floor surrounding by squid babies. SEQUEL!!!!!!

- Formulaic at times, down right confusing when they tried to get more interesting, but overall not the worst movie I've live blogged here (which still doesn't mean it was anywhere near good). Overall I prefer my krakens to look like this:

but whatever. Don't rent this. Or watch it on Sci Fi SyFy.

Twins Make a Trade!!!

The Twins actually made a move to help them out, picking up Orlando Cabrera (.280/.318/.365) from the A's for a guy I've never heard of, Tyler Ladendorf.

Ladendorf is a shortstop, although he's more of a bat then a glove. After struggling at rookie ball last year, he destroyed it this year, hitting .410/.500/.721 in 17 games before being promoted to A ball where he's struggled a bit.

Aaron Gleeman ranks Ladendorf as the 32nd best prospect in the Twins' system, although he says he will likely have to move to another position.

Overall, the Twins got a good player to plug into a big hole, and did it without giving up anything resembling a major talent. I'm happy. I would have been happier with Freddy Sanchez (or both), but I'm happy. It would be fantastic if they could go ahead and acquire a bullpen arm (or starter) in the next couple of hours as well.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


How is it that I'm actually envious of the Giants? That's not supposed to happen, and yet here we are. Despite a payroll around what the Twins should be able to handle next year ($82 mil), and a rough path to the payoffs (7.5 games out of first in the NL West, 1 game ahead in the Wildcard) they bit the bullet and got the balls to make the kind of the moves the Twins need to make, but refuse.

It culminated today in a trade for Freddy Sanchez, which is almost as disappointing as when my new boss ordered his steak butterflied and medium well at dinner tonight. Sanchez, of course, is the Pirates' (former) second basemen, the guy who won a batting title three years ago, owns a career .300 average, and hits about 30 doubles and ten homers a season. The guy who was exactly what the Twins' needed.

Turns out, the asking price was the #26 prospect in baseball, double-A starting pitcher Tim Alderson. Reading up on him, he is described as a guy with good but not great stuff, but a very smart pitcher who understands how to pitch. You know who that reminds me of? Mike freaking Mussina. Tim Alderson is my new favorite player.

The Giants also picked up Ryan Garko, who, being a Twins fan, you probably remember from the Indians. Nothing spectacular, but an above average hitter and ok fielder who can play first and the outfield and costs almost nothing. They gave up a pitcher named Scott Barnes, who doesn't show up on any best prospect lists anywhere, but has put up some excellent numbers at high A ball this year, and shown some real potential. Exactly the kind of guy the Twins wouldn't ever part with ever in a million years.

And you know what, the Giants probably overpaid, especially for Garko. But you know what else? The Giants desperately needed a first basemen because the guy they had there, the weirdly named Travis Ishikawa, hits the ball like Nick Punto. So they went out and got somebody and did what they needed to do, even if it might possibly have maybe slightly hurt their future in the future.

I salute you Giants GM guy. You had a window, and you took advantage even if you might have hurt yourself in the future. Something the Twins refuse to do, year after year, toiling in mediocrity, never going for it, and never legitimately giving themselves a chance to win anything beyond a division title. Frustrating. Would you rather contend for a division title every year but never have a shot at going any further, or take a chance and have a real title contender once in a while but also have to suffer through some non-contending seasons? I choose the latter.

Sidenote - I really like what the Pirates are doing. That team was so bad, and had no future whatsoever. Blowing the whole thing up and starting over gives them hope, if nothing else.

Sidenote #2 - If they trade Danny Valencia to get two months of a 34-year old shortstop who has the OBP of Nick Punto I quit. I seriously will quit.

Sidenote #3 - Yes, that's a very good sweep of the Sox, it still doesn't change the fact that we don't have a second baseman.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Where the Hell are all you People?

Seriously, I didn't grant writing privileges to four other people as well as giving Super Sioux Fan free reign to email me her random thoughts at any time for nobody to write anything when I'm busy for a stupid crazy month. I've made it abundantly clear that this month I won't really be able to keep up with the blog regularly, and yet we got one SSF post and nothing from anybody else. You people suck. Now I have to spend time writing about things I don't care that much about, just to make sure all the slack-jawed cretins out there keep coming back. Thanks assfaces.

- Well, first things first, Brettly Favre-i-licious will not be a Viking this year (allegedly). Which is really just confusing. What was all this for then, exactly? I mean, he even had the arm surgery. What was the point of that? This was just one big tease. This was pretty much the football equivalent of a strip club - all that anticipation and excitement with no payoff.

Of course, Brett being Brett, would it surprise anybody if he changes his mind again in a week? Hell, even tomorrow. If I woke up tomorrow and heard on the radio that he had changed his mind again and was going to be a Viking, I would be the least bit shocked. It makes me think of the part of a horror movie where you think the killer is dead, only to have him rise and kill again two minutes later. And you know damn well that even if he doesn't still end up coming back this year his name is going to be out there again next offseason - and don't count on him to put any speculation to rest either. Good riddance. I hope to god he at least stays out of the headlines until after the next Super Bowl.

My new favorite guys are the people who special ordered their Vikings #4 Favre jerseys. Nice job, morons.

- Sticking with morons, I've already heard from one guy on the radio and read from one guy on the internet that "Michael Vick would be a great fit for the Vikings." STOP. Lunacy. That's the kind of thing I'd expect Bogart to say because he's had his head up Vick's ass for years. And no, I don't really care about the dog fighting thing, he's just a god awful QB. The only thing he'd be good for is to come in and run the wildman or the wildcat or the catman or whatever it is, the one where the QB runs the ball half the time. An option with Vick and AP might work a handful of times a game, but anybody thinking this poor man's Vince Young can be a full-time QB is more deluded than Dawger and his Cal Ripken = Mike Cuddyer take.

- This batting stance guy shtick is just god awful. Where did they find him, youtube? I'd rather have the bat trick flipper guy. But I suppose they had to do things the Twins' way, and find the cheapest way possible to bring non-entertainment to the fans. I'm guessing the guy agreed to do it for like, $10 per segment filmed. Seriously, this is less entertaining than watching Delmon Young take batting practice.

- Pawing through the latest updates in Gopher hoop recruiting, I'm hearing a lot about this Kevin Noreen kid, a 6-5 wing from Minneapolis. He's not ranked in any meaningful way (class of 2011), and doesn't appear to be on the Gophers' radar, but Iowa and Wisconsin are starting to sniff around (his only offer so far is from Liberty), but it wouldn't shock me if he moves up lists the next couple of years. It sounds like with his long reach he's already an excellent, pesky perimeter defender, and he can hit the outside shot and led his team in scoring at the Best Buy Summer Classic. He's also got a nice pedigree, with a relative (too lazy to look up if it's his brother or cousin or what) in the class of 2010 committed to Boston College.

Remember the name.

- I kind of think this whole "All Metrodome team" is kind of stupid. It hasn't been around long enough for any meaningful debate. Who is going to be the second basemen if not Knoblauch, Lombo? I don't think so. Or catcher, Mauer vs. Laudner vs. Harper (not to mention J. Ortiz and Tom Neito). With only basically three sets of players, you aren't going to have many debates. Except of course at first base (Morneau vs. Hrbek) where they magically decided to award both guys spots on the team. Totally frickin' pointless. Just an excuse for everybody to pat everybody else on the ass and tell them the Metrodome doesn't suck. Oh, and Snacks actually likes watching baseball at the Dome, if that tells you anything about how stupid he is.

Even better is I heard Gladden and Gordo debating the All-Metrodome team of opponents, and they came up with obvious guys like Thome, but then they get to relief pitcher and Gladden comes up with Jeff Reardon, "because when he was with Boston he always shut us down."

Well Dazzle, I hate to bring facts to an idiot fight, but you're wrong. As a visiting pitcher at the Metrodome, Reardon pitched five innings, ringing up an ERA of 5.06 and a WHIP of 1.69. Sure, he had three saves, which I'm assuming is pretty much as far as Gladden's brain goes anyway. Bravo.

- The Gophers lost out on class of 2010 forward Zach McCabe, who recently comitted to Iowa. Tubby had extended an offer to him, but he verballed to the Hawkeyes a couple of weeks ago, and was starting to see interest from teams like Kansas and Notre Dame. I don't really know much about him, but based on the teams who were sniffing around and his junior season stats (16pts, 9 rebs, 6 assists with 43% three point shooting tells me Lickliter managed to actually get a good one - perhaps his first.

- Oh, and Cory Joseph is really god damn good.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Go Away Brett Favre

God this Favre thing is getting ridiculous, or even more ridiculous I should say. Did you hear the report where Brett was "anguished" over his decision and "he might have already decided against playing again" if it wasn't for Vikings' players calling and texting him? Does anybody actually believe this garbage? This is just another way of keeping the spotlight on himself. Favre is a bigger attention whore than Heidi & Spencer, and a bigger drama queen than that girl who lied about Teddy Dupay assaulting her just to get more attention and money (and somehow framed him enough so that he pled guilty even though he's totally innocent.)

Seriously, at this point I don't want him here any more, even for the train wreck factor. A couple of days ago after they resigned Winfield I started thinking about the team, and I realized if Favre can give them average QBing, this team is going to be really good and I was kind of actually getting excited about watching games on Sundays this year. Now though? He's just being a dick. I hope he drowns in freak four-wheeler accident in the crick behind his stupid house where he just couldn't wait to retire and play with his probably stupid kids and mow the lawn.

Even worse are the people who are STILL defending this big stupid baby. "You've never had to make a decisioin like this, you don't know what it's like." Shut up. Just shut up. This isn't someone making a hard decision, this is drama queen holding yet another team hostage FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW. This guy is worthless, no matter what you think he can give a team. Honestly I kind of just dismissed all that hoo-ha about him being a shitty teammate, mostly because Thomas Jones strikes me as kind of an idiot, but put those stories together with the shit he pulls every offseason, not to mention the fact that he was in that hot tub with Chmura but the cops covered it up, and he might be the worst human being since Pete Rose, yet another thing they have in common.

If he doesn't die of a Vicodin-related overdose before he makes a decision even though he's already made one, I hope they just tell him to go screw. Won't happen since Childress and the rest are already so far up Favre's ass they're basically West Virginia coal minters at this point, but it would be awesome.

- I'd also like to discuss the Matt Holliday trade today, since I've been interested in what Billy Beane's plan was since he acquired Holliday this off-season despite him only having a year left on his contract. I postulated that Beane would hope to have enough pieces to make a run, and then if they couldn't he'd flip him at the trade deadline and hope to get more value than what he paid. The couldn't make a run, and he did flip him. How about the overall profit or loss?

This year, the A's picked up 3b/1b Brett Wallace, SP Clayton Mortenson, and OF Shane Peterson from the Cards. Last year, they had to send OF Carlos Gonzalez, SP Greg Smith, and RP Huston Street to the Rockies to grab Holliday in the first place. Which package is better?

The two big prospects, and thus the most important part of this comparison, are Wallace and Gonzalez. Wallace is a big swinger with some power potential, and according to ESPN is currently a top 10 prospect in all the land. He's hit .289/.368/.429 so far this year between AA and AAA, with 11 homers in 397 PAs. His low slugging percentage this year is troublesome, as is his plate discipline, but everything I've read on this kid makes it sounds like he is the real deal. We should find out opening day next season, if not this September. Bonus points because his nickname is "The Walrus."

Gonzalez was a big time, five tooly type prospect in the A's system before he was sent over the Rockies which made me question why they would trade him, but maybe they know what they're doing over there. Gonzalez is starting to look like Carlos Gomez - horrible batting average, little to no slugging, 4-1 K/BB ratio, but a ton of speed and excellent defense. Wallace is still just potential, but that ship might have sailed on Gonzalez. Advantage: new trade

I'll make the rest of this quick since I'm getting bored. Street is still a high quality closer, and pretty much has been his whole career. He's also just 25 years old. I have no idea why the A's ever traded him. Smith, the final piece of the Holliday to the A's trade, was not very good last season and has yet to claw his way to the bigs yet this year. Mostly because he put up a 5.50 ERA at AAA, a 7.50 at AA, and has been busted all the way down to single A ball. We can probably forget about him.

The other two prospects the A's picked up from the Cards both have a good shot to be contributors, but not stars. Peterson has just two seasons under his belt, but has hit over .290/.360/.409 in both. He's looking like he could be a good 3rd/4th outfielder for somebody someday. Mortensen has a nice sinker and a good slider, but doesn't have the stuff to be a top line starter. He could end up a quality middle reliever.

I'd call it a win for the A's. I still can't wrap my head around why they ever got rid of Street since he was still affordable, but overall these two trades were well orchestrated by Beane.

- The Weeds show is pretty damn good.

- Finally, congratulations to the Egyptian on getting married tomorrow. I have to miss the Squid/Shark/Gator marathon on Sci Fi SyFy, but that's what Tivo is for. Way to go buddy.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Looks like that Johan deal keeps getting worse and worse for the Twins and moving-up-the-worst-GMs-list-with-a-bullet Bill Smith after Kevin Mulvey got rocked by the retarded at hitting A's in his first real outing (a one-batter one-out appearance on Monday doesn't count, mostly because I didn't see it.)

Yep, this afternoon against a team that ranks third from the bottom of the AL in runs and last in batting average, slugging percentage, and OPS raked Mulvey in his only inning of work for six hits and four runs before being promptly sent back to AAA in an exchange for The Necklace. To be fair, the A's have a pretty intimidating lineup. I mean, with names like Scott Hairston, Landon Powell, and Rajai Davis, giving up six hits should probably be considered a success.

This makes the second of the three pitchers acquired in the Santana deal to hit the bigs and flame out. Philly Humber was up to start the season, but after putting up a 12.46 ERA in four unimpressive games, he was placed on waivers. Luckily for the Twins, he was so crappy that nobody wanted him, so back to AAA it was.

At least Mulvey still has a shot to develop into a serviceable major leaguer, with an ERA under four in seventeen triple A starts this season and a respectable 2-1 K/BB ratio. Humber, on the other hand, may be a lost cause, as his unclaimed waiver trip suggests. An ERA over six in sixteen starts with a WHIP over 1.6 suggests his new upside might be a middle reliever.

The third pitcher, Deolis Guerra, continues to get less and less impressive despite a recent promotion to double A. After a promising 2006 in A ball, where he put up an ERA of 2.20 and a 1.17 WHIP, he's failed to put up anything resembling a comparable season, with an ERA of almost five in about three seasons at high-A, and is up over five in his three appearances at AA.

Of course, Guerra is just 20 years old, very young for double A, and has still been very impressive at times, but the reviews sound less and less awesome as times goes on.

Gomez at least seems to be improving, albeit quite slowly, but when all is said and done he might end up being the only major league player in the deal. Hopefully I'm wrong, and hopefully this is the second coming of the haul the Indians got when they traded Bartolo Colon to the Expos (Cliff Lee, Grady Sizemore, Brandon Phillips, and Lee Stevens), but don't count on it.

At least Halladay is on the market. Maybe we can get him for Mulvey, Humber, Guerra, and Gomez.

- I'll also mention here because when the hell else am I going to bother with it that Ricky Rubio has decided he is leaving his current team whether he can reach an agreement with the Wolves or not. I'm not exactly sure what this all means, but I almost made it through that entire article and I think it means if the Wolves can't work something out with him he could jump to another team and creating a whole new headache world of problems. I'm starting to think this Rubio kid is Samantha Ronson, and the Wolves are Lindsay Lohan, chasing and chasing and chasing and ending up getting locked out of the house without a bra.

- Speaking of bras, we are watching some show now that has Susan Ward in it and she looks like a mom now. I prefer to think of her like this:
Good god. Actually, just go ahead and google image her. There's not a single picture on that first page that isn't a 10.

- FYI, Dusty Rychart is officially a facebook friend of DWG. Rickert has yet to respond.

- Just in case you weren't ready to kill yourself yet over the Twins, Jason Bartlett is hitting .346/.394/.526 with 18 doubles, 8 homers, and 20 steals.

For perspective, that's a better average than Albert Pujols, a better OBP than your boyfriend Derek Jeter, a better slugging pct. than Jason Bay, more doubles than Carl Crawford, more homers than Magglio Ordonez, and more steals than Willy Taveras. Kill me.

[EDIT: I'm going to add the video of Lebron getting dunked on here, just because I don't want to start another post for something that is so stupid. This is the dumbest thing ever. If he/Nike/Zeus/Jesus/Buddha whoever never grabs the tape in the first place, this is a non-story. Hell, this is still a non-story. It's like that time I told everyone I know that I humped Estella Warren, but I really just got some elbow-boob. [EDIT within an EDIT: I can't figure out how to embed this. Just click this link, jackass]]

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

No this Blog is not Dead.

No, we aren't dead. Some brain dead jackass asked me this weekend if this blog was going to die, and the answer is no. As I've mentioned in every post I've made this month, although admittedly there haven't been many, I'm swamped at work and with weekend things going on all month. I promise once we hit August things will pick back up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if one of the other contributors on this site would like to toss up a post or two. I know Dawger is dying to talk Twins. Anyway, I do have a little bit of time tonight, so I'll make a couple quick comments.

- I should probably go ahead and start with the British Open, since the winner is my arch enemy, the uncalcuably gay Stew Cink. Make no mistake, he got lucky and it probably shouldn't count. Think about it. How hard is it to beat an old man? An old man who has already played 72 holes in four days in the freezing cold and wind and rain? Most guys Watson's age would have been out by hole 11. Hell, most guys Watson's age would have woken up the morning after the first round and been unable to get out of bed and have to use that clicker thing or whatever it is that the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady advertised. Seriously, what was it? A clicker of some kind? A phone? Wow, I can picture the lady but I don't remember the product. Is that good advertising or bad?

Anyway, I had originally planned to call Watson a choker, but now that I think more about it I'm guessing he was just a bit tuckered. Although there isn't much more disappointing than thinking you are watching the story of the year (at a minimum), but instead you get some bald-headed, gigantic sloth freak sneaking in the back door and stealing that 59-year-old leprechaun's gold. Crying shame.

And Ian Poulter should be ashamed of himself for that performance. From a solo 2nd last year to dead effing last this year. And he was even playing well going into this tournament. I have no clue what happened, but I'll never trust that dandy again.

- Speaking of advertising, Kmart's advert for lay-a-way is for a blow up shark. I mean, I like blow up sharks as much as the next guy, but are we really doing lay-a-way for them? I thought that was for poor people who can't afford a love seat, not average suburban white couple who need lawn water toys. I might have to look into this.

- In what has become a Twins' tradition, your favorite team needed help at a position and went out and signed the oldest, cheapest option available; this time giving a minor league contract to 39-year old second basemen Mark Grudzielanek.

I actually think is a pretty good idea. Minor league contract means no risk - probably the biggest reason they made the signing, but even last year Grudzy put up some decent numbers (.299/.345/.399) - not much for slugging the ball, but it's basically what Luis Castillo gave them that one year he was here all season (.296/.358/.370). And it wasn't a fluky season either - Grudzielanek has hit no worse than .294 in his last six seasons, and hasn't hit lower than .271 since his rookie year way back in 1995. No major risk here, especially when the Tolbert/Casilla/Punto trio is doing nothing but making outs at a prodigious rate. If he can still hit anywhere near his career average and isn't a total stiff in the field (major questions due to a late ankle injury last year that has had him sitting out almost a full calendar year), he's a major upgrade. Of course, since this is a Twins' signing, I'm going to fully assume that they essentially signed Steve Lombardozzi (the current, 48-year-old version).

- Since we're chatting about Twins' busts, how about a little Jesse Crain update (who I have pretty much completely forgotten about)? He's thrown twelve games down in Rochester so far, compiling 17 2/3 innings and a 2.55 ERA and 1.19 WHIP. Toss in a 22-8 K/BB ratio, and I'd say thus far the experiment with Mr. Seashell Necklace has been a success. Expect to see him up again soon, especially with the Twins' bullpen in full on implosion mode. I'm sure with the bullpen blowing leads and giving up monster home runs, Crainsy is feeling pretty left out.

- I'm trying to muster up the energy to give a crap about the most recent T-Wolves trade, but it's hard. I dig on how Kahn has come to town with a "Let's start this garbage over" mentality, because that was definitely what was needed. Madsen is little more than a crowd favorite, which means a white jackass who hustles and has no talent. He will be missed by drunken idiots with more money than sense only. Telfair and Craig "the Manatee" Smith, were able to put up ok numbers on a crappy team, but I'm pretty sure that was their upside. Telfair will be little more than a career backup, and Smith will eat himself out of the league as soon as he signs his first non-rookie contract (book it).

So by not losing anything, the Wolves automatically win this trade. Getting Q Richardson back isn't going to really add much to the team in terms of win, but it at least gives them a big-time shooter to replace Mike Miller. Plus, with $9+ million in salary coming off the books next off-season he adds a little bit of flexibility to any off-sesaon plans that little munchkin has cooking in his little brain.

Not a monster improvement, but a very good little trade. Although I will miss watching the Manatee cross mid-court on less than half his team's possessions.

- The Onion is almost always a guaranteed laugh, but this might be my favorite of all-time, "Derek Jeter makes easy play look easy."

- Another funny link: Ed O'Bannon is suing the NCAA for use of his image. I'm not even 100% sure what this means, but it makes total sense that O'Bannon would need money. The best thing he could do is shoot some sort of anti-early entry warning video. I know he didn't leave school early, but he's a great warning for guys who are great in college that they might not quite pan out as pros. Him, Shawn Respert, Adam Morrison, Randolph Childress, Pervis Ellison, Marcus Fizer, and George Lucas can get together and teach a class on dissapointing people.

- Lastly, you should know that WonderbabyTM is already the most advanced in her gymnastics class and might have to be moved up to the more advanced class. That's right, guess who is the only one in her class who can hang from a bar? Yep. Her teacher/coach/volunteer/weirdo loner cat-lady person already said, "She's really advanced. A real natural athlete." Hopefully this will translate to non-gay sports like basketball and softball baseball, but if she ends up in the Olympics, so be it. She'll be the Michael Phelps of gymnastics, but without the weed and overall douchiness.

I'll leave you with a picture of her showing off her skills:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This Made me Laugh Out Loud

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All-Star Tuesday Talkings (British Open Preview)

Yep, it's all star Tuesday so I'm writing, but I don't plan to write a single thing about the All-Star game because it's just so stupid. Let me get this straight, this game counts for something pretty important now, but the starters are still voted in by idiotic fans? And they take rosters of 33 freaking players on each team, and managers are bound by some stupid unwritten rule to try to play everybody? And you can't let any pitcher go more than one or two innings because if Roy Halladay hurts his arm in his third inning of work somehow every one will be mad at you even though he routinely goes nine innings every fifth day? It's like the collective league is Regina George and the manager is Gretchen Weiners.

I just don't get how something so far removed from real baseball can give such an advantage to a team in the quest to win the World Series. Seriously, if this rule was in place in '87 and '91 and the NL won the all-star game, we'd be sitting wondering if the Twins will ever win a World Series. I mean, I'm not exactly a huge fan of the random element they used to have but it's better than this - and better than giving home field advantage to the league that has a better record in interleague play, which I've also heard bandied about. That's also idiotic.

It's really simple. Home field advantage goes to the team with the better regular season record. That's how all the other leagues do it. Why? Because it makes a lot more sense to reward a team for a great 162-game season than it does to reward a team whose league won a stupid exhibition. And if you insist on keeping that dumb rule, then Gretchen Weiners has to stick up to Regina like that time she wore sweat pants to the lunch table. Throw Halladay three innings. Then throw Greinke three. Then go through the closers and end with Rivera. Bam, game. But they won't. It'll be one inning, one inning, one inning, and eventually either Tim Wakefield or Andrew Bailey will be in and it'll be tee-off time for the NL. Stupid.

What makes it even worse is that I actually get a little bit pumped up when they do all the fanfare before the game. They always give it a nice historical perspective, whether it's tonight's little St. Louis baseball mini-history or like the year they brought out Ted Williams and Willie Mays, it's a very nice touch and I enjoy it. Then the game starts and it's a big joke. Let's just move on to something else.

- I'm mainly writing tonight to give my half-assed British Open preview, much like my half-assed Masters and US Open previews, which didn't quite get the winners right. All that really means is that I am due. In the same tradition, I will give you my top ten (after Tiger) picks to win.

1. Steve Stricker. It's weird to pick a noted non-closer to win an event like the British, but it all seems to be in place for Stricker. Two wins in his last four events, including a win last week, and recent success at the Open, finishing 8th and 7th the last two years. No reason he shouldn't be right there at the end.

2. Ian Poulter. It's almost a certainty that Ian Poulter will be winning a major at some point, probably while wearing pink pants, and it makes a lot of sense that it could be this one. Poulter is a very solid Open player, topping off with a second place finish last year at Royal Birkdale, has been very solid in the other majors (31st, 20th, and 18th) and is having a good year.

3. Lee Westwood. Westwood isn't super, duper great at the Open, but he does have two top tens in his career and has made the cut the last three years, so he's not horrible either. He's familiar with links style golf, being a communist and all, and is getting hot at the right time, with a tie for 8th last week in the Scottish Open coming on the heels of a runner-up finish in the French Open.

4. Hunter Mahan. This guy is quietly playing some of the best golf of anybody right now, but at the same time is a bit under the radar since he hasn't actually picked up a victory. He has top 10s in his last three starts, has made the cut in every event he has played this season, and has top tens in both of this year's majors. He did miss the cut last year at the Open, which gives me slight pause, but last year was a rough one for him, and not only has he found his game again but two years ago when he was playing well he pulled a sixth place finish at Carnoustie.

5. Sergio Garcia. Usually this sexy son of a bitch would be my #1 pick after Tiger, but a slow and disappointing year so far has really left me scratching my head. Still, the spaniard is a wizard when it comes to the British Open, with six top 10s in his last eight attempts and he does seem to be getting his game figured out, notching a tie for tenth at the US Open and has played better across the pond than here in the States.

6. Henrik Stenson. This guy is another one who it feels like is just waiting to win a major, and could be set up to do it this week. He already won this year at the "fifth major", the Players Championship at Sawgrass, and has been in contention at pretty much every major recently, with three top tens in the last four majors. He's a cool customer, since like most Swedes he has no soul, so if he's in contention coming down the stretch he isn't likely to Van de Velde it up.

7. Rory McIlroy. It's weird to pick a kid this young to be a top contender at the Open, but he's just tough. This year his four toughest events have resulted in a Quarterfinal finish at the Match Play, a 20th place finish at both the WGC-CA and the Masters, and a tie for tenth at the US Open - clearly he's not intimidated. Add in the fact that he is ripping it up on the European Tour (fifth in the Race to Dubai), and it wouldn't surprise me to see him right in the thick of it on Sunday.

8. Jim Furyk. Boring? Predictable? How about we go with steady instead. Top 11 in five of his last six tournaments, made the cut in fourteen of his last fifteen majors, and two top fives in his last three Opens, with a tie for twelfth in the third. He did miss five straight cuts at the British from 2001-2005, which shows me that this kind of golf can swallow him up at times and keeps me from putting him any higher on my list, but I expect him to hang around and at least make a little noise.

9. Paul Casey. I was looking back at my Masters and US Open previews, and I picked this clown first after Tiger and second after Tiger and Furyk, and he rewarded me with a T-20 and a missed cut, but I still can't drop him all the way, especially at the British where he finished seventh last year. He absolutely dominated the Euro Tour early, and still leads the Race to Dubai, but has faded in recent weeks. I expect being back in Europe will rejuvenate him.

10. Justin Leonard. This is a straight up hunch pick, which I can't really justify. He's had success at the British, but his win and his runner-up were both in the 1990s. Since then he's missed the cut as much as he's finished top twenty (three each) and he doesn't come in particularly hot, with two missed cuts in his last three tournaments. But I'm feelin' it!

And that's it. Some notable names are missing. Geoff Ogilvy, Zach Johnson, and Luke Donald are both garbage at the Open. Paddy is the two-time depending champion, but he's missed the cut in four of his last five events, and his game is just not in the right shape here again. I don't think Anthony Kim is ready just yet, and the wunderkind of the early season, Nick Watney, has fallen back to earth. Cink is still gay, and Els and Goosen are too far gone. One sleeper I've seen mentioned somewhere is Martin Kaymer, a commie who comes in hot, having won the last two Euro Tour events. Don't believe it. He doesn't have that kind of game.

- Finally, hold on to your butts people, the Sci Fi channel is having the marathon of all marathons on Saturday, July 25th, and I can't wait. Unfortunately, the Egyptian is getting married that day and I am an usher, so I can't exactly watch live, but the Tivo will be a crankin'. Check out the schedule:

8am - Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
10am - Croc
Noon - Super Gator
2pm - Lake Placid 2
4pm - Spring Break Shark Attack (third best shark movie ever)
6pm - Deep Blue Sea
8pm - Malibu Shark Attack (World Premiere!)
10pm - Eye of the Beast (Dawson in a Squid movie)

I'm tivo'ing everything on that list except for Lake Placid 2 and Deep Blue Sea, which are super lame. Expect an influx of Live Movie Blogs in the coming weeks, as long as I can get Mrs. W to watch a few of these.

Also, Sci Fi renamed itself SyFy for some unfathomable reason. Can anyone explain this one? Cutesy for the sake of cutesy? I really hope somebody gets fired for this. This is even worse than the time Itchy ripped out Scratchy's spine and played it like a xylophone, but got two different notes from hitting the same rib.

That's it for now. I would expect to see a more indepth preview from Faldo tomorrow some time, and if we're really lucky maybe Super Sioux Fan will send in a new post.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I've gone Rogue (Live Movie Blog)

Hello again folks. Wife is gone for the night at some kind of girl's night which I assume involved lingerie pillow fights, and the baby's sleeping, so I need something to do. Tonight we're going to be tackling yet another masterpiece of American Cinema, and we're staying with the Crocodile theme. This time we're going to take in Rogue, a flick about "stranded riverboat passengers who become fodder for a monstrous crocodile." Sounds pretty damn good to me.

I will say that I'm a little worried about this one. Unfortunately, this might end up being an actual good movie, which ruins all the fun. I say this because it is rated a 6.6/10 on, which is off the charts high for this kind of movie. People are usually idiots, but the kind of idiots who don't spot the fun in crappy, cheesy "monster" type movies, so I'm worried this is a serious movie. It also won an award for best visual effects in Australia (and was nominated for a writing award), and was nominated for best limited release horror movie by Fangoria.

Or maybe I'm looking at this all wrong, and I should be excited that there might be another movie about a giant creature killing people with good writing and good special effects. I don't know. Let's just watch and find out.

- We open with several panning shots of the African wilderness set to generic African religious chanting. Seriously, you can already tell this movie had an actual budget. And within 20 seconds a croc just ate the crap out of a wildebeest that shouldn't have gotten that close to the water. I'm officially pulling back my reservations, and now actively hoping this is a good movie. We're off to a very good start.

- Our main character just arrived, and he's played by that guy from Alias and also from Never Been Kissed which I realize I just admitted to have watched. If only there was a button on this computer to push to make things I type go away. Oh well, I guess I'm stuck for now.

- I think this is supposed to be in Africa, but Alias guy just rolled into a general store populated entirely by southern stereotypes, including cranky old white guy, cranky old black guy, and young cajun guy. And they say things like, "Yah, it's gonna be a scorcha out thah today." Hopefully this isn't Africa.

- Old white guy has a pet pig in the store. No chance this is Africa, it's definitely the great American South. Which means apparently Louisiana has wildebeests now. Who knew?

- Oh, now I get it. They're in Australia. Australia is kind of like a combination of the deep south and Africa (with a little bit of Dusty Rychart thrown in) so I am good now. It would be pretty sweet if Dusty got chomped by a croc. I'm just saying.

- I should clarify that this is the movie Rogue, not anything about the X-Men character Rogue, who was played by Anna Paquin, who is not only very attractive but also starts in the series True Blood on HBO, as I mentioned before but must write again. Seriously, just watch it. And this calls for another picture of Anna Paquin, which I think puts her in second place for being pictured on this blog next to Audrina. Anyway, here:

And just for kicks, I'll throw in a little Audrina -

That was fun.

- FORESHADOWING - Tour guide chick (everyone is on a tour now - on a Riverboat) said, "The Northwest Territory has the largest concentration of salt water crocs in the world." I bet one shows up now - it's obvious thanks to the quote. Well, that quote and the movie's plot summary above. Incidentally, there are like twenty people on this cruise. Since I can pretty much already guarantee that Alias guy and Tour Guide chick are going to be the final two survivors (they're already flirting like drunk freshmen at their first keg party), that means we are in for a whole lot of killin'. Excellent.

- Hm. It's a croc-watching tour. And we were just informed that "crocs can learn your routines and anticipate what you're going to do." Bet that comes up again later.

- RIP Billy Mays. I work for a company whose products he endorsed, and there's a life sized cardboard cutout standup thing of him in our office. Brings a tear to my eye every day now. I'll get by. Don't worry about me. You stay strong.

- I taped this off HBO during a free movie weekend, so that means it could have nudity. And it does. Naked hairy male ass. Sweet. From Australian rednecks, who proceed to harass the tour as only drunken rednecks can. I told you Australia was half-deep south.

- If I can sound gay (well, gayer) for a minute, the scenery in this movie is breathtaking. I've always wanted to go to Australia so I could get chomped by a shark at the Great Barrier Reef, but now I want to go also so I can get chomped by a croc in the Northwest Territories.

- Our tour saw a distress flare in the distance and went to check it out, finding only an overturned fishing boat. Then, of course, they were attacked by something, knocking the boat out of control and forcing it to crash on the beach of a convenient island. The lesson of course, is to never help anybody ever.

- Ha ha. Stupid dog got eaten by the croc. Awesome. Dogs are dumb.

- Wait. Nevermind. It was a person, not a dog. They didn't really show anything though (note: we still haven't seen the croc, taking a nice page out of the Jaws playbook) so I guess I got confused. That and the fact that I'm only paying half attention and the guy's name was Everett. I just assumed when the lady was screaming that name that it was a dog, because whose name is Everett? Just like the name Toby. Only dogs are named Toby. Or Max. Or Rex.

- Here come the rednecks to save the day. Or, act like drunken retards and get eaten by a croc. You guess.

- The new plan is somehow string a rope across the water from the island to the safe area or whatever in order for everyone to shimmy across. Of course, someone has to swim the rope over first. I actually hope he makes it, because I've been to Gatorland Zoo in Florida, and saw a different movie crocodile jump like thirty feet in the air, so this would be like corn on the cob to our rogue.

- Well, he made it and got the rope, and unfortunately the writer missed a golden opportunity to have the croc jump up and eat people. What they did instead was have the rope break, and the three people on it (not Alias guy or Tour Guide chick) fall in then swim back safely to the other side. What? This movie doesn't have enough killing. We're still looking at like fifteen people who are all still alive. This is some bullshit right here.

- I was looking up "what age can kids throw and catch a ball" because Wonderbaby can already throw and catch really well. Well, you know how google has a drop down auto-fill feature when you start to type something? Well, if you start with "what age can kids" the two most popular searches are "stay home alone" and "be left home alone." So there are millions of parents all over the world who are reliant on google to raise their kids rather than a little bit of god damn common sense. Fantastic.

- Also "can my kid" goes to "get herpes from me" and "can my k" goes to "kitten catch my cold." Honestly, I'm not sure which of these is more terrifying.

- Oh my god that was so sweet. First glimpse of the croc as it grabs some jackass who was standing too close to the water and flips him over its head back into deeper water, then turns around and takes him down with a whole lot of dude screaming. Also, very well done on the effects. The croc looks very natural and real, and not oversized (think the shark in Jaws compared to the one in Jaws 3). God that was sweet.

- Man, it really sucks for these guys that their boat crashed. Probably shouldn't have had a woman driver.

- The dude who wrote this also wrote the movie Wolf Creek, which was a pretty good horror movie loosely based on an actual Australian serial killer. It's not the greatest movie of all-time, but you could do a lot worse for a rental. Think Hostel but way less stupid.

- Speaking of good movies, we watched Mean Girls earlier this week, and seriously, that is an awesome movie. Hot chicks all over the place, well acted, and extremely well written with a sarcastic, biting wit that makes it hilarious. Seriously, that might be the best movie of the decade. According to, it was one of the fifty best movies of 2004 - what more do you need? Although in some ways it makes me very sad to see this version of Lohan and know what she would eventually become. Another picture? Ok, fine. Last one:

Great googly-moogly. And speaking of Mean Girls, the chick who plays Janis Ian is in True Blood and got all naked. She looks good.

- New plan - they baited a hook with something (I hope it was the dog) and are hoping the croc gets itself hooked so then they can swim across to the other side and actual land. I didn't catch this at first, but apparently the tide is rising and in a half hour the island they are on will be under water and they will all be dead. This all sounds super realistic.

- Well fuck me, it worked. I feel like Will Scarlet in Robin Hood: Price of Thieves. Well, it mostly worked. Everybody got to the other side except for Alias guy, who is still stranded on the quickly flooding island, and tour guide lady, who got kilt. That's a major curveball folks. She was all set up to be the female survivor, but she got chomped all to hell.

- So with every body safe except for Alias guy (and that damn dog, which wasn't bait), I don't know what we're supposed to watch. This has suddenly turned into Castaway with a Crocodile. Actually that doesn't sound half bad.

- Dude just fell down into some underground cave, just like those freaky ginger twins in the Great Outdoors. I don't think we're going to see a Bear here, but we do have a dead body. Hopefully the croc shows up and eats this dick so the movie can just end. This is getting SUPER boring. Think a less interesting castaway with zero crocs. He's seriously just walking around looking for that stupid dog - it ran away from him - and I swear that's been going on for half an hour. Nothing but him trudging through swamp saying, "Kevin (that's seriously the dog's name) Come here. Kevin, where are you?" Lame-a-saurus.

- Well, he found dead Tour Guide lady. She's been all chomped up. God I wish something would happen.

- This is apparently the croc's lair, and it would seem this particular croc has a peculiar, un-croc-like habit of storing dead bodies to feast on later. Thanks for making sure to have a completely unfactual made up quality to your movie beast. The special effects actually made me start to respect this movie, but in the end, the lame ass everything and complete lack of action and killing were super lame, and adding in a quality to an animal that it does not possess is really just the topping on the shit cake.

- Dude is carrying that chick's body around with him everywhere he goes. She's either alive, despite missing half her calf, or he's just way too attached. At this point I'm not ruling out necrophilia.

- Apparently she's alive. Great. Good job movie. Nice career, Alias guy.

- Ug. So the croc attacked him while he held a tree branch and it impaled it's own brain. I don't even have the strength left anymore to properly describe the climax. Just know it was shitty and involved symbolism with a praying mantis.

- Overall, the special effects and realistic croc portrayal were cut down in the end by the evil fake facts and horrible, horrible, horrible plot. This may have started well, but the depths it plummeted to and the lack of death (I think there were only like four kills) made me realize it sucks badly. I really should have rented Giant Octopus vs. Mega Shark instead. I had this on Tivo though, and figured I'd just watch it. Huge mistake. Someday, maybe somebody will be able to combine a good, realistic, interesting story with a giant animal and a whole bunch of killing. Today is not that day.

Off to Duluth tomorrow for a bachelor party and some of the worst golf imaginable. Check you later.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Tuesday's Rage

I feel compelled to write tonight as an outlet for my rage - rage against stupidity and failure to not be an idiot. I left work late tonight, and was already in a pretty good lather due to co-worker incompetence and some stupid ass parade that went on for five hours down town and forced me to listen to marching band music the entire time while in my giant office with a giant window because I'm so awesome. Marching bands infuriate me, so I wasn't in a good mood heading home and wasn't helped by the massive herds of massive hippos waddling into the metrodome to watch the Twins suck and refusing to get out of the crosswalk or even stop to consider anything regarding the laws as they pertain to pedestrians.

Anyway, I was already in a bad mood, and then I hear Gordo ask Danny-boy Gladden, "The Twins were swept four straight games by the Yankees earlier in the year, do you think they are looking for a little payback here?" Naturally, since I'm not an idiot and I pay attention to the home town club, I knew that at the very least Joe Nathan had said, "We need some revenge", which I had read not only in the linked article but had also heard straight out of Nathan's mouth on the radio. You'd think the radio announcer or color man or resident white trash retard or whatever you want to call him would pay a little attention, but instead we get, "I guarantee you there isn't a single player in that clubhouse who is thinking about revenge." I shit you not. He guaranteed it. A statement that is completely and 100% falsifiable with just a modicum of research, and it's guaranteed. I have no idea why that hack has a job announcing baseball games. If I hear something insightful out of him it will be the first time.

Then, just to add insult to injury, here comes a radio interview with Twins' resident media whore Mike Cuddyer. The question? "The Twins have been playing much better recently than they were the last time these two teams met, what has changed?" The answer from Cuddy Bear? "Nothing's changed. We are just playing better now and not making the mistakes we were making earlier this season." lka;jdf;lsa hgoigh. THOSE. ARE. CHANGES. The definition of changes. You just said nothing has changed and then told us two things that had changed in the SAME SENTENCE. Doesn't this crap bother anybody else? Is it that I'm mad, or is it the rest of the world that is stupid? Isn't that like saying "I'm not gay, I just like giving dudes oral and taking it from behind?" Seriously?

Finally, just to make sure my head explodes, Coom-doggie gives us this on the TV box, "Sabathia is one of those pitchers who if you don't get to him by the fifth, he's pretty much unhittable." Guess what his two worst innings are? Yep, the fifth and sixth. Of course. What else would it be? Now, granted, his point isn't terrible, because Sabathia over his career is pretty much unhittable once he gets to the 7th, 8th, and 9th, but after everything else I had to deal with today, it's the last straw. I've decided to deal with my rage/depression by drinking heavily and blogging about less offensive sports.

- First up, a little bit of a scouting report from an informer who was at the Howard Pulley games last night, in the form of two text messages:
TEXT 1: “U r gonna love this cobbs kid!!! Royce and Rodney combo. Wow”

TEXT 2: “Nvmd. Wrong kid. Cobbs not here. But the kid I thought was him is a freak lol.”
So there you go. We here at Down with Goldy are always striving to bring you the most accurate and up to date information. Glad to help.

- Secondly, I want to recognize with some propers our very own Rockies guy, who called out a Loooooooooooooooong time ago (back in April somewhere, I can't find it) that Jason Marquis was the man. A couple of nights ago Marquis became the majors first eleven game winner, so I'm inclined to agree with Senior Rockies. And since I'm not a retard who judges pitchers solely on wins, I should add he also has a good not great ERA of 3.61 and a WHIP of 1.29. Those are decent numbers on any squad, but for a dude who pitches approximately half his game in Coors he's having a very good season.

Rockies guy also said that Clint Hurdle was the worst manager in the majors next to Gardy, and after canning Hurdle's ass the Rockies have been on fire, bringing their sorry asses back over .500 after starting the season 18-28. Todd Helton is having another solid season (sorry Rockies guy, I know you hate him but it's true), Brad Hawpe is suddenly one of the better hitters in the NL, and Jason Hammel is looking like a future star since being plugged into the starting rotation. The Division is probably too much to ask for being nine back already, but they're just two games out of the Wild Card. I'd expect to see them make the playoffs so Helton can suck again and break everyone's heart one more time.

- Oh hey, speaking of retards who think wins are the best way to measure a pitcher's ability, check out his quote from Joe Morgan's chat today on ESPN, "The name of the game, people always want to forget, for pitchers is wins and losses. If you beat a team 1-0, as he did recently, or 5-4, it doesn't matter. If you win, that goes on the team's side of the victory column. I'm not so much for a guy that has a low ERA and a losing record. That tells me that the other pitcher pitched better than he did, because that team scored more runs." On a single game basis? Yes. For a season? This is what sucks about going out of business. I really don't have the energy to tear this one apart too much, but here's a simple quiz.

Which pitcher would you rather have on your team in 1992?
A. Jim Abbott, 7-15 with a 2.77 ERA
B. Jack Morris, 21-6 with a 4.04 ERA

If you chose Morris, please chainsaw your own face off (yes, that means you Dawger).

- On a non-sports note, Mrs. W and I recently started renting the HBO Series True Blood, and I have to say it is awesome. It's set in Louisiana, in a world where Vampires have revealed themselves to the general public, and just want to live amongst humans in peace (well, some of them, at least - there are still evil ones). It is masterfully written and very well acted, and to say I'm smitten with female lead Anna Paquin is a major understatement. I recommend this highly. Very highly. And here's a picture of the lovely Ms. Paquin, if you need extra incentive (plus it's on HBO, so it's boobs all over the place:

- A new list of all-time disappointments now needs to start with Rangers' 1B Chris Davis. I mean, sure, it's early and he's only 23 so it's probably too early to judge, but I'm going to anyway.

After a rookie season last year that saw him knock seventeen dingers in just 295 ABs (and a respectable .285/.331/.549) and saw him become THE NEXT BIG THING. Unfortunately, he kept the power this year but lost everything else (15 homers but .202/.256/.415) and a lead leading 114 Ks (in 258 ABs). He was sent down to AAA this week to "get things together." When a guy has a strikeout of an unheard of 44% and doesn't walk very much, he's pretty much screwed. When he can't hit the ball, it's even worse.

Davis's contact rate (% of balls swung at and made contact with) was all of 58%. To give you an idea of how awful that truly is, here is a distribution of all major league players' contact rates, with Davis included:

I'm not going to sit here and explain just how bad that is. If you don't get it, I'd rather you don't even read this blog to be honest with you. Simply put, he's three standard deviations away from the mean, which means 0.1% of all players in history have put up this kind of contact rate. I feel pretty good just giving up on him. Plus, bonus, he was on my fantasy team this year. Go me.

- Speaking of prospects flaming out, the Twins signed some dude from Germany who is apparently a pretty big deal. I've never heard of him and know nothing about him, but with a name like Max Kepler he sounds like a pretty solid Nazi. Super Sioux Fan and the rest of South Dakota or North Dakota or wherever she's from should be pretty stoked.

- The last thing I want to mention is a quick little update on WonderbabyTM, as I know I have been lacking in that lately and I'm sure you are dying to know what's up. Well, WonderbabyTM has joined her first organized activity, a tumbling class at which she excels and is already a supremely gifted athlete. You can fully expect her to not only be the first female major league pitcher, but also the first pitcher to play a position on her off days. I will leave you with a picture of the most beautiful child of all time doing her gymnastastics:

Ok not the last thing. You should also look at this awesome fish I caught this weekend. I'm awesome at everything. You should try it sometime. Life is much easier for me than you.

And that's the second biggest fish I've caught this year. Recognize.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Happy Fourf Everybody

Happy Fourth of July all. I know I haven't been able to post much lately, and with a three day weekend starting tomorrow involving an out of town trip to the cabin to catch mucho bass, I figured I better get something up here before my lack of posting causes the next Watts riots. Of course, I don't have anything really to say, and the Crocodile movie I have on Tivo will have to wait until Mrs. W is not around. So I'll do the next best thing - drink some booze and type whatever comes to mind.

- We are starting with a little Spotted Cow Ale, from New Glarus, Wisconsin and purchased by Mrs. W on a trip across the border to dirty dirtville. It is fantastic beer, and thank you Dr. Acula for turning us on to it. Of course, Mrs. W also came back and said she would love to live in Hudson someday. After I came to from my blackout, I decided not to divorce her unless/until she actually tries to make me move. Although some preventative violence might be in order later tonight. You know what they say, if you don't beat your wife you must not really love her.

- Not much going on in Gopher recruiting, which is where I usually like to start this kind of thing, but I did find an article by Ryan James outlining what sounds like a very busy night for Mbakwe:
Going toe to toe with former Minneapolis Henry and Oklahoma 6-foot-8 banger Johnnie Gilbert in the late contest Trevor Mbakwe held his own down low and gave the crowd examples of the maturation in his game. Mbakwe went to the line 11 times last night and the first trip started with an intelligent dive cut to the basket. He brought Gilbert up for a pick and roll screen but noticed Johnnie overplaying the help on the screen so Trevor dove hard to the cup, received a pass, and was fouled.

Two possessions later Mbawke worked hard to seal Gilbert deep on the block and then gave his passer a target. After catching Trevor faked a move to his right and that shifted Gilbert's weight and when that happen Trevor turned his body the other direction shifting his hips to get Gilbert on his backside clearing space for Mbakwe to explode up to make a short jump hook. Against J'Son Stamper on the block the former Gopher tried to cut the baseline off defending against Mbakwe's spin but Trevor used his power to bump Stamper off and then Mbakwe's length and vertical allowed him to jump to the other side of the rim and make a reverse lay-in.

This sounds pretty good, and I need articles like this because I am not really high on Mbakwe. Based on his less than stellar time spent at Marquette, I actually didn't even see much of a reason for the Gophers to recruit him at all. But between this and his ESPN profile it sounds like he has really developed since then. Good. He's no Ralph Sampson, but he could end up being the second best post player on the team - not that it would be all that difficult. Seriously, other than Ralph who has a post move on this team? I suppose Colt has his up fake, duck under retarded thing, but that works just once per game even though Colty tries it around fifteen times. Everybody else on this team is a perimeter player. Wow, I just talked myself into loving Trevor Mbakwe. Tonight already sucks, and it's not even nine.

- By the way, we're watching Taken right now, and the daughter in it is one of my all-time favorites, Maggie Grace. Here, look:

- FYI - In case you are unawares, Kirk Cameron is 100% certifiably insane. Here's proof. Or just watch this:

- I know you're probably not aware of just how good Jason Kubel is, since few folks seem to be, but dude is kicking some serious ass this year. His average of .308 is 11th in the American League, ahead of your fancy boyfriend Derek Jeter and your other fancy, but slightly grittier, boyfriend Jacoby Ellsbury. And since he hits for power and isn't a retard who hacks at everything thrown near the plate his OPS is a stellar .910, good for 13th in the AL. His thirteen homers and 42 RBI are both in the top thirty.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that Jason Kubel is having an all-star caliber season, but because of jackasses like Morneau and Mauer nobody seems to notice or care. He could legitimately be an all-star this year with his numbers - he won't, but he could be. Let's all make a concerted effort to pay less attention to the canuck and the juicer, and pay more attention to a real american hero, born in South Dakota (which practically counts as Minnesota). Come on, what do you say?

- This movie is pretty good. Although Mrs. W is now singing songs from Mary Poppins for some reason. Well, the reason is because I said I had never seen it, which apparently is weird. Because she referenced the hand bag Ms. Poppins had and how it was apparently bottomless and infinite. I said "Kind of like a Bag of Holding in Dungeons & Dragons?" at which point she looked at me like I was some kind of freak and then broke into song. We're very special people.

- Roland had a bag like that too in the Dark Tower series. God I'm a nerdo.

- Interesting fun fact about the Twins' this year; they have five players in the top 32 in the AL in On Base Percentage (Mauer, Morneau, Span, Kubel, and Cuddyer). Last year, they had 2. This year, they are 8th in runs and on-pace for 166 home runs. Last year, they were third in runs and hit 111 home runs. Wait. What? The Twins were third in the AL in runs last year? How is that possible, they

F this. Blogger is being a dick and keeps effing up and interrupting mid typing. I'd keep going but I can't fight the internet and apparently the Twins massive arm of censorship which extends into the brains of computers and effs them up. Enjoy your holiday and

Damn this crap I'm do