NBA Free Agent Action is Hot!

Take a few days off to catch some fish at the cabin and you miss like, 1 million free agent signings in the NBA.  I'm going to hit a few of the highlights.  Or lowlights.

1.  Might as well start with your precious T-Wolves, who signed Kevin Martin and Chase Budinger in a move to try to surround the Ricky Rubio/Kevin Love nucleus with as many poorly defending shooters as possible.  You take those two, J.J. Barea, Rubio, Love, Luke Ridnour, and Derrick Williams and add Shabazz Muhammad to the mix and the Wolves might end up being the worst defensive team in the league next year, especially if Kirilenko isn't back.  Nikola Pekovic, who it sounds like they're going to do everything to keep, is a decent post defender but not a rim protector in the slightest, which taken all together means that Giorgui Dieng is the only true paint defensive presence on the entire team.  You know, the guy whose job it is to discourage guys like Lebron and Tony Parker and Russell Westbrook from driving past all those white guards over and over again.  Sounds like a recipe for success!

2.  Dwight Howard is going to Houston.  Howard turned down more years and more money to stay with the Lakers and play with two (possibly 3) other future Hall-of-Famers, which is a stunningly good decision given Howard's track record the last three years.

Apparently the Howard signing isn't loved by everyone, as incumbent starting center Omer Asik has said he doesn't want Howard there, doesn't want to back him up, and doesn't want to play next to him and might want out of Houston.  Well guess what Omer?  I got news for you: I'm pretty sure they were exploring trades for you already.  Outside of free throw shooting his entire skill set is Dwight Howard extra lite, he offers nothing complimentary to Howard's game, and he's good enough where they can get something nice back for him most likely.  Sorry Omer, but you're not Dwight.

And make no mistake - Dwight Howard is still really, really good and it seems like everyone is forgetting that.  Last year was horrible, yes, but

1.  He was returning from a back injury, which for a player like him who relies on his athleticism and specifically his ability to jump quickly that is a tough one to play through.
2. The system he was playing in last year sucked for him, and playing with Kobe Bryant made him miserable which, because he's an immature person, made him sulk and affected his play.
3. People around the country hated, or at least had a strong dislike for Howard and the way he got Orlando's coach fired, then pushed his way out,then got Mike Brown fired with the Lakers.  Dwight is an immature person, and being disliked made him extra miserable and see #2.

Basically Howard is an immature baby who is mentally weak and who is going to sulk and suck when he's not happy.  He still averaged 17 & 12 with nearly 3 blocks per game while being only half engaged.  You don't think he's going to be better next year with his co-super star as James Harden, who knows about deferring when it's time to defer? He's still just 28 years old.  What if he actually realizes he has an amazing opportunity to learn from two of the best big men in history (Hakeem and McHale) and embraces it?  He could be a monster.  Going to be a big year for Houston.  Big.

3.  Sticking with the Rockets, they also traded your best friend Royce White to the 76ers.  Clearly Philly succeeded so well with one troubled but talented young big man in Andrew Bynum that they were super excited to try it again. Since Royce is pretty much afraid of everything, he's started walking to Philly from Houston and expects to be there by time training camps begin. Also, I really think trading Jrue Holiday is going to end up being a mistake for Philly.

4.  In what was, to me, the most shocking development of this period Brad Stevens (formerly of Butler) has agreed to become coach of the Celtics.  I was up at the cabin with Snacks and news was on in the background because we only get one channel up there and when the banner "Stevens to Boston" came up we had to yell and shush everybody else up and do you know how hard it is to shush up three women and one old man who've been hammering wine since mid-day?  It ain't Ninja Gaiden hard, but it's hard.

I'm just totally blown away because I assumed Stevens was going to be at Butler until he was lured away by Indiana or Duke or Kentucky or one of the other big-time college programs - I never ever thought he'd be going to the NBA for some reason.  I think part of it is because I thought we were done poaching college coaches and trying to make them NBA coaches since basically everybody has been a failure (seriously who is the best coach to make the switch?  I think it's P.J. Carlesimo which is like whoa).  Also this surprises me because Stevens is only 36 and has zero NBA experience.  People threw enough of a fit over Rich Pitino getting hired to coach kids at 30, but now Stevens is going to handle grown ass millionaires at 36?  I know it's a young team after trading Garnett and Pierce, but their best player is a total head case in Rajon Rondo.  There's almost no way Rondo spaz out by midseason. I'm not saying Stevens won't work out for sure, I'm just saying he won't with Rondo around.  FACT.

5.  The Hawks and Bucks got into a big fight over Kyle Korver.  Looking at the teams involved, you'd probably guess that this was an idiotic fight to get in to, and as usual you're right.  There were no winners in this fight, except of course Korver who ended up with a 4-year, $26 million contract which, considering he's going to be 37 at the end of that deal and he has exactly one discernible skill seems like a bit of an overpay, but then again J.J. Redick got 4/$27 and Jose Calderon got 4/$28 apparently that's the running rate for a one dimensional player who is really good at that one dimension and terrible at everything else.  For some reason, this seems terribly unfair.

6.  The Warriors are getting interesting.  First, because Dawger will point it out anyway, despite all my misgivings Steph Curry has completely proven me wrong and is a very, very good NBA player.  He's not as good as Bill Simmons thought he was during the play-offs, but he's an all-star, I will admit, and there's no doubt that he and Klay Thompson are a pretty dynamic duo.   Next season Harrison Barnes will be a year older and a year better, and he started to show some pretty dramatic growth in the playoffs and he gives the Warriors three pretty good wing players who can score in bunches. 

Now, via free agency, they've added Andre Iguodala, who doesn't score in bunches the way the other three do but is still averages 15 ppg for his carrer, is an absolutely outstanding defender, and can handle the ball and create well enough the Curry will get more chances to run off the ball, which will only help.  The plan seems to be to go with all four in the lineup at a time quite often, which will work if Barnes can defend and rebound at the 4 (remains to be seen), but even if not that's a pretty potent lineup, and Andrew Bogut (if healthy) is a good enough interior defender to make up for some defensive mistakes.  Really though, having four players who can all dribble, create, and shoot is something few teams have, and any time all four of those guys are on the floor it should be fun to watch.  Possibly on both ends.

7.  Milwaukee, oh Milwaukee.  First they made a trade towards the end of last season to acquire J.J. Redick, giving Tobias Harris to Orlando.  Harris, who averaged less than 12 minutes per game with the Bucks, was given starter's minutes in Orlando and went on to average 17 pts and 9 rebounds per game.  The Bucks just traded Redick (in a sign and trade) and received two second-round picks in return.  Then Monta Ellis opted out of his deal, which might actually be a good thing, but also means the Bucks have to find a way to replace some production all while with the handicap of selling Milwaukee to free agents.

Their big moves so far have been to sign O.J. Mayo, Zaza Pachulia, and Carlos Delfino - essentially a sixth man and two back-ups.  Brandon Jennings, Monta Ellis (he gone), and Mike Dunleavey (he gone) were the team's top 3 scorers last year and now all three may be gone depending on what Jennings ends up doing.  Essentially the team is a bunch of so-so big men (John Henson is probably the best or at least has the most potential depending on what you think of Larry Sanders whose name does not actually have to be capitalized nerds) and Ish Smith.  This is either completely pathetic, or a genius realization that they're never going to be able to build a contending team through free agency and are in full on tank mode.  Given that we're talking Wisconsin, they're probably just drunk.

8.  We all know that the Lakers are somehow going to end up with Andrew Wiggins in next year's draft, right?  That's just how it happens.  If their smart they'll amnesty Kobe (since he is taking up nearly half of their cap room) trade Nash to Dallas for the heart warming Dirk/Nash reunion, trade Gasol and World Peace for whatever they can get and completely bottom out and hope for Wiggins.  What they will do is continue trotting out a lineup completely mismatched to D'Antoni's system which will be mismatched because Kobe will rush himself back by the season opener and they'll end up missing the playoffs by just a couple games and then win the lottery anyway because the NBA is rigged and everybody knows it.  Fact.

Who could say no to this?

Week in Review - 05/16/2011

Seriously you guys, I am an awesome chef.  Not that tonight's meal was particularly difficult (steaks for the guys, turkey burgers for the broads all on the grill plus a romaine salad) but it's the attention to detail that's the important thing.  Steaks and turkey burgers were all perfectly cooked and perfectly seasoned, and although the salad was just romaine, cucumbers, carrots, and edamame, but rather than just lazily slicing the veggies the cukes were peeled, sliced, and quartered and the carrots were shaved, not to mention how I boiled and shelled the edamame.  Now that's a salad.

But really, I've mastered the grill and can cook anything to near perfection.  I can make a great garlic lemon butter for fish and have an absolutely killer dry rub for chicken wings.  I took my dad's ole reliable beef stew recipe and, using nothing more than various spices in my cabinet and a little celery revitalized it to the point where my mom was basically begging me to take home the leftovers.  Chili?  Please.  I've got three different recipes that are all great (a tomato-based one, a beef broth based one, and a simple one that can be made in under an hour).  The last time I made pork chops I was begged for the brand name of the seasoning I used (hint:  I made it myself.  Holla.)  I'm basically bulletproof (except for homemade fries on the grill.  I can season them to perfection but I can't make them crispy.  If anybody can help please e-mail or leave your tip in the comment section).

So in other words, I just had a great meal and am possibly a little drunk.  Let's type some words.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Joey Votto.  Votto always makes me mad because a year or two ago it looked like both leagues would have a monster hitting first baseman from Canada - Votto for the NL, Morneau in the AL.  Only now our version has turned into a chicken-legged little girl with noodle arms, a scrambled brain, and a comprised immune system while Votto has continued to build upon his MVP campaign from last year.  He's in the top 5 in basically everything in the NL, he's hitting .350 and leads the league in walks, and has the Reds in first in the NL Central - helped by a couple of walk-off hits Votto put up this week.  He also reached base in each of the first 33 games of the year, and hasn't hit an infield pop-up since 2009 (no joke, that's for real).  Meanwhile our Canadian is at the point where hitting the ball of the wall is a major accomplishment.  Gross.  This is like trying to book a Canadian music act and hoping for Rush but getting stuck with Bryan Adams.  Yes, Rush is awesome.  If you don't think so you probably think Nickelback is awesome too.  Actually now that I think about it I think Nickelback is Canadian.  I should have just used them instead of Bryan Adams in that analogy.  Oh well, too late.  To sum up; Awesome:  Rush, Joey Votto.  Girls:  Adams, Nickelback, Morneau.

2.  Jose Bautista.  It's not often I admit I'm wrong (mostly because I rarely actually am) but I was way off on Bautista.  I thought we had a bit of a Brady Anderson situation on our hands last year, but this season Bautista hasn't slowed down as evidenced by his three bombs he hit earlier today against your precious Twins squad (although to be fair hitting them against Duensing and Slowey isn't exactly Spahn and Sain).  Actually during the broadcast I heard Dick or Bert mention that since September of 2009 Bautista has hit more home runs than any other player in the league with 77 and the next closest was in the 50s.  Since Dick or Bert said it I'm going to assume it's probably not accurate, but the point remains - somebody fixed something in this guys swing and he went from Gary Gaetti to Eddie Matthews (no relation to Cory).  I don't think he's going to continue to slug .868 because that's just not possible (right?), but he's become the best hitter in baseball.  For your reference, his sixteen home runs are more than Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, Cuddy, Kubel, Thome, Delmononucleosis, Valencia, and Denard Span combined.  Sick.


3.  Russell Westbrook.  Since we're talking about things I was wrong about why not go ahead and throw Russell Westbrook out there since he basically completely dominated the Grizzlies (along with Kevin Durant of course, which doesn't hurt).  I thought his questionable outside shot and so-so ball handling at just 6-3 meant he'd be a tweener his entire career.  Maybe he's still a bit of a tweener but it doesn't matter because he's also unguardable.  It apparently doesn't matter that he'd still lose a game of HORSE to Ralph Samspon because he can do things like score 40 in game 3 and drop a triple-double in game 7.  Seriously if you were starting a franchise today who would you take over him?  James, Wade, Howard, Durant, Rose, and that's it.  That's the whole list.  It's like you don't really realize how good he is, possibly because he's actually in the shadow of his own teammate, but Westbrook is the real deal.  Russell, not Lawrence. 

4.  Carlos Boozer.  What the hell Boozer?  For most of the playoffs the easiest bet possible was to take the under on Boozer.  It'd usually be something like 15 points, 10 rebounds, or 25 combined and it was always easy money.  Now all of a sudden in the last two games he's been an absolute dynamo who can suddenly and inexplicably can any jumper he tosses up.  In game 6 vs. Atlanta he scored 23 (on 10-16 shooting), just his second 20 point game since April 2, and then had what looked like an ok game in the opener vs. Chicago (14 pts, 9 rebs) but I swear he scored every single time the Bulls needed a bucket.  Plus the guy can't shoot for shit yet hit 50% of his jumpers.  Or maybe he can shoot, what the hell do I know?  I only watch the NBA in the playoffs, I'm not a psycho.    

5.  Zach Britton.  When your team sucks and you have no hope you need one of two things to keep your fans interested:  a superstar or a young dude who could become a superstar (which, incidentally, is why the Twins' season is going to be boring until Gibson gets the call).  Luckily for the terrible for years Orioles it looks like they might have finally found a new great hope (since Wieters turned out to be more Drew Butera than Johnny Bench) in Britton.  After his nine inning 3-hit/no-run performance against Tampa this week (in which he didn't get the win because the O's offense can give the Twins a run for their anti-money) he ranks 7th in the AL in ERA (2.42) and ninth in WHIP (1.02) and has been the starting pitcher in six of the Orioles' wins (out of 18 total).  Dude's looking like he's going to live up to the hype.  Hope must be a pretty sweet thing to have.  I wouldn't know.  And I'm not just talking about sports, I'm talking about life.  My tears taste like steak tonight.


WHO SUCKED

1.  Ron Gardenhire.  I've never made it a secret that I think Gardy is a terrible game manager (and why would I because that should be obvious to even the weird old ladies who watch the Twins), but in particular two things he is seemingly addicted to have been absolutely driving me crazy this year:  the early inning sac bunt and the late game pinch run.  I can sort of give him a pass on the early inning bunting just because this team is so awful and struggles to score so much that maybe getting a runner on first with nobody out is actually a major accomplishment.  I can't, however, excuse the late game pinch running.  An example would be Saturday's game, where Justin Morneau doubled with 1 out in a tie game in the ninth and was immediately pulled for Alexi Casilla, meaning that one of the only decent bats on this team (despite what I wrote above) was replaced with a faster version of Nick Punto.  How often does that pinch runner even matter?  What percentage of possible at-bat outcomes would result in a score by Casilla and not a score by Morneau?  How often would Casilla do something stupid like getting picked off?  You eliminate an important batter (IN A TIE FREAKING GAME) for, at-best, a marginal uptick in your odds to score.  Just so stupid.  Of course it didn't matter in this case since the bullpen decided getting batters out was for fags, but the point stands.  Retarded move.


2.  Rajon Rondo.  Rondo was basically the key guy if Boston was going to beat the Heat.  The big 3 of Boston aren't as good as Miami's 3 guys (and every nickname I've ever heard for these guys is terrible - Moheatos?  Heatles?  Please) but could at least hang tight.  Rondo's matchups, on the other hand, were very Celtic-favorable because let's face it Bibby is about as mobile as Luka Mirkovich at this point and Mario Chalmers is Mario Chalmers.  Unfortunately for Boston Rondo never bothered to show up.  I know he was hurt for games 4 and 5 and that's rough but it doesn't excuse the missed lay-ups or somehow continually losing Chalmers on defense.  And I really think that if Rondo doesn't figure out how to make a jump shot he's got a limited shelf life.  Although I'm already baffled at his success despite having Jeff Hagen type range.  Whatever.  I don't like 'em.  He looks like Momaw Nadon. 

3.  Alex Gordon.  Raise your hand if you thought Alex Gordon's hot start meant that after four disappointing years full of up and downs between Kansas City and AAA Omaha everything suddenly clicked.  Ok, now if you're currently raised your hand what I'd like you to do:  take your other hand and make a little puppet out of it to distract you, and then use the hand you have raised in the air and grab the nearest gardening tool you can find and stab your face.  Honest to god, this guy is awful and he can't even field to make up for it.  Just in case you're still on his jock here are his stats this week:  0-4 with 2 Ks vs. Freddy Garcia.  0-1 as a pinch hitter.  1-5 with 2 ks against Ivan Nova.  1-4 with 2 ks against Justin Verlander.  1-4 with a K vs. Brad Penny.  Seriously.  Outside of Verlander that is a shitbox group of pitchers and yet he managed to get almost no hits while striking out almost constantly.  Yes, I think he finally gets it.  I'm shocked Dawger and Bogart haven't picked this guy up yet.

4.  Jon Lester.  Sigh.  Why do so many players upon whose bandwagon I thrust myself upon end up letting me down?  And I don't even like the Red Sox....hate 'em, in fact and all their obnoxious fans with their stupid accents and overuse of the word wicked and the pink mafia that constantly invades Fenway Park.  But that's  not the point.  The point is that for some reason Lester has decided that getting people out is super overrated.  I might be overreacting a bit because it's not like he's been awful - he'd pretty clearly be the best pitcher on the Twins (of course, I think whoever the ace of the St. Paul Saints is might take that honor as well) but he's just not taking that next step I've been waiting for.  Everybody I love let's me down.  Hear that, kids?  You're my last hope for happiness.

5.  Miami Heat.  Oy.  That's it?  That's all you can do against Chicago?  Sorry Heat, but that was pretty freaking pathetic.  I would write more but I'm tired and fuck the Heat.  Dwyane Wade, despite one of the most egregious misspellings of our generation, is one of my favorite players in the entire world.  Lebron and Bosh?  Whores.  Weak, sissified whores.  And despite Lebron's very stellar performance at the close of the Celtics series he still hasn't shown he can be a big time player.  He can defer to Wade all day long, because it's pretty clear who the Alpha is here.       



Be honest.  You googled Momaw Nadon, didn't you?  And then you laughed.


Finally, I just want to mention that this will now be the official video of DWG for when something awesome happens.

Can You Feel the Excitement?

NBA Finals, Game 7.  It feels like it's been a while since we've had one of these, or at least one between teams that mattered.  See, I generally always watch the NBA Playoffs (although I skip the regular season), but I wouldn't say I really ever get excited for them - more like "interested."  I would say my usual level of excitement for them is somewhere between waiting in line at the DMV and watching an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the 800th time (unless it's the one with the dragon, that one rocks).  So why do I watch every year?  I guess I'm waiting to get excited.

As you can then imagine, I'm pretty thrilled that my current level of excitement has reached "hearing the ice cream man's bell" levels going into this game.  If we get something good here, I'm hoping to at least approach "Audrina just asked me to join her in the shower" levels.  At this point I don't really even care who wins (although I'd prefer the Celtics, and I'd prefer Ray Allen win the MVP at 8-1), I just want a good, exciting game.  Hopefully somebody will hit a big shot with time winding down in the fourth or a buzzer beater of some kind.  I'll even take a big shot by Kobe, even though he's pretty much a dickmitten.  I just want to see something good.

This won't be a live blog of the game per se, but I'll be watching and tossing out random thoughts as I think of them.  Try to stay with me here.

8:44 1Q - Lakers are looking to pund it low to Gasol and Bynum.  That is a really good strategy, which means bad news for the Celtics.  And by the way, I am no longer rooting for a close game if i tmeans the Lakers win.  It took 3 minutes of watching Kobe, who is now whining about a Rondo foul, to hate them again.


6:54 1Q - I love how they're playing Kobe.  Ray Allen playing tough, in-your-face one-on-one, and they're doubling him every time.  But they aren't sending the double until he puts it on the floor and starts his move.  He seems to be in "I'm Michael Jordan" mode tonight, and he's taking his sweet time getting a shot up so teh double is really affecting him.  He's like, 0-3 with couple turnovers already, and the last time down he tried a turnaround fade-away with both Pierce and Allen on him from about 18 feet and hit the top of the backboard.  I love it.

5:10 1Q - Wallace out for Boston, Glen Davis in.  This is where it gets interesting, because Davis can't score on Bynum, and he can't stop Bynum.  Due to Bynum's knee injury though, he can only play limited minutes.  I'm a little surprised Rivers is going to Davis already, but I guess with Wallace's bad back and explosive temper you have to pick your spots.

3:52 1Q - Kobe ended up on KG on a switch, fell asleep, and gave up an easy alley-oop dunk.  He's really not having a very good first quarter.  If this double-teaming defense can frustrate him and get in his head, this could get ugly for the Lakers.

1:36 1Q - My bad, Glen Davis now has 6 points in about 3 minutes, all against either Bynum or Gasol.  Now Odom's in.  He's a huge key for LA.  If he's dialed in, he can destroy either Davis or Wallace.  If he's just floating around, dreaming about candy and women who are built like men, he's going to get killed by either of them.

0:00 1Q - 23-14 Celtics after one.  Really couldn't have gone much better.

10:43 2Q - Rondo takes a jumper from the elbow and misses.  They're going to give him that shot for infinity and if he can't make them pay it's going to be tough for the Celtics to win.  He's got to be able to hit that shot.

9:24 2Q - The Lakers have 12 offensive rebounds already, and they're still down 4 after scoring the first five of this half.  Incredible.  Celtics are playing amazing defense, but just can't get the rebound.

8:44 2Q - So I have some bad news.  It seems my body can no longer handle jalapenos.  At work the cafeteria has an awesome taco salad, but it's best with jalapenos and this jalapeno salsa.  But it destroys me.  Like, it wrecks my whole night and I can barely walk by the end of the evening.  I've tried with just jalapenos and no salsa, and with just salsa and no actual jalapenos, but no matter what I almost die every time.  That is not an exaggeration.  It's similar to taking a bunch of Taco Bell's fire sauce, dumping them into a shot glass, sprinkling Ex-Lax on top, and then using it wash down a meal of White Castle and fire.

6:34 2Q - Ray Allen can no longer shoot.  This is the most depressing thing I've ever seen.  It's like in Superman II, when Superman decides he loves Lois Lane so much that he gives up his powers for her for some stupid reason (probably because all women are evil) and then they go to that diner and he gets beaten up by that hick guy who probably loves "muddin'" in his crappy jeep. 

8:18 2Q - And we're tied.  9 straight for LA.

4:22 2Q - Artest seems to be under the impression that he can shoot.  That is good news for the Celtics.  At this point he's like the guy at open gym who got lucky and hit a couple of threes one day, so now he's convinced he's a shooter, and so you just dare him to shoot and it's like watching Snake and Dawger play a game of HORSE.  Clang clang clang.

2:48 2Q - Wow does Derek Fisher whine.  Wonderbaby^TM whines less when you take away her little fairy wand.  I mean baseball.  Her baseball.

1:22 2Q - Artest goads Pierce into a double-technical.  Not smart - at all - by Pierce.

0:41 2Q - I'm not sure who these announcers are, but one of them has the exact cadence of Trent Tucker.  It's awesome.  "What the Timba-wooves need to do hea, is take the ball........to the bas-ket."  Also I think I lied, this is definitely a live blog.  I didn't mean it.

HALF -  Celtics up 40-34.  In a game this ugly, it's easy to expect the Lakers to kick it in gear in the second half, but that would be discounting the Celtics incredible defense.  It would be like blaming the Twins for only scoring 1 run against Ubaldo Jimenez this afternoon instead of crediting his pitching.  What's that?  Mauer sat out because he "took too many foul tips?"  That can't be possible.  I don't believe you.  That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.  It's far too preposterous to be true.  That would mean Butera, Valencia, Punto, and Tolbert all would have had to play against Ubaldo.  They did?  Wow.  I gotta say, in that case scoring 1 run is basically a victory, no?

10:55 3Q - Allen misses again.  I'm going to go ahead and consider that MVP bet a loss.  Damn dude. Big State will never want you now.

10:30 3Q - Kobe launches one from about 6 feet behind the three-point line.  Getting desperate, and activating Chucker Mode^TM despite the fact that he can't get any open looks. Maybe Allen needs to be considered for MVP after all.

9:45 3Q - Celtics up 11 now after a Rondo floater.  Also we have Tornado and Thunderstorm warnings all over the place tell you to "take shelter in a structure that is not a mobile home."  Sorry Nickelback fans.

8:20 3Q - 49-36 Celtics, and Rondo has the MVP sewn up if Boston doesn't blow this.  And what's funny about that, is if the Lakers were up 13 right now, I'd be tempted to just turn the game off and chalk up as a win for evil (like Empire Strikes Back).  But it's so hard to believe the Lakers won't make a run, so I'm actually nervous for Boston.  Like right there Ray Allen threw a pass that was intercepted by Derek Fisher.  Do you know how terrible a pass has to be to be intercepted by Derek Fisher?  Let me put it this way, it would take Brett Favre's career-worth of Brooks Bollinger playing QB to have Fisher pick one off.  Also, related - hey Pete Rose of basketball - go ahead and hang 'em up anytime.

7:34 3Q - Wait, the NBA draft is next Thursday already?  Awesome.  That is always a fun time.

6:20 3Q - Gasol can't guard KG.  That's at least the third time KG has just blown by him from the perimeter.  God damn I still love that insane mofo.  I'm willing to bet at least 50 bucks he's killed somebody at some point.  Also mini-Laker run, lead down to 6.

3:25 3Q - Rasheed has been ridiculously good tonight.  This would be like if Adam Morrison came off the Lakers bench and hit a bunch of threes.  Admit it, you giggled thinking of Morrison.

2:12 3Q - Ray Allen with a huge steal against Kobe.  Man, if he was playing any offense at all he'd have MVP wrapped up thanks to some pretty incredible defense on Kobe in the series, particularly in the fourth quarters.  I don't know what the numbers are, but he's been awful in fourth quarters.  Hopefully that continues.

1:24 3Q - Allen now 1-9.  Other than his monster game 2 and a good game 6, he's been brutal.  Time to bring it in Q4.  Luckily Kobe is 5-20.  I hated Jordan, but anybody who compares Kobe to him ever again should probably just have their throat ripped out, Dalton-style.

0:00 3Q - C's up 57-53.  Best replay ever is Garnet screaming "mother fu...." right after scoring on Gasol and right before ABC cut away.  Very nice.  Pretty sure this one is coming down to whoever decides to actually make shots, Ray Allen or Kobe.  Fingers crossed for Ray.

Also what happened to Heath Slocum?  The guy was looking like a genius longshot pick, and now I look and he's at +4.  Which is 3 shots better than my pick to win, since Hunter Mahan shot a 78!  And Ben Crane, maybe the hottest golfer on the planet, shot an 80!  Good god, and 80!  I thought this US Open would be a little more reasonable since it was at Pebble.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I'm betting -4 ends up taking this thing in the end.  Hopefully it ends up being Karlsson or Furyk.

10:22 4Q - Pierce making some horrendous decisions when it comes to shot selection.  Honest to god it's like Pierce and Kobe are filming a Bad Idea Jeans^TM commercial. "Normally I wear protection, but I figured, when am I going to be in Haiti again?"


8:23 4Q - Allen with a floater over two Lakers to put the Celtics up 61-58.  Maybe that's the shot he needs to get going.  Come on Jesus.  I love you Jesus.

7:13 4Q - Kobe actually has sex with Ray Allen as he goes up for a jumper.  When he's called for the foul, he reacts as I'm sure O.J. did when they told him he was accused of murder.  One difference:  Kobe was guilty, while O.J. was innocent.

5:56 4Q - Tied at 64.  Kobe heading to the line.  I don't like where this is going.  Celtics offense has disappeared.  Come on, Ray.  This is sick.

5:56 4Q - I thought about it, and even though it's over, I'm going to tell my wife about the afffair.

5:33 4Q - Allen misses another jumper.  Kobe hits one on the other end.  Lakers by four.  This feels over.  I also think Mark Jackson (announcing the game) is likely retarded in some fashion.

5:33 4Q -  They use an Eminem song in the trailer for the video game Call of Duty?  I....I....I....I literally can't think of anything to say.  I am completely stupified right now.  Completely.

Well, he's an ex free-base addict, and he's trying to turn it around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

4:38 - I don't mean to sound like some crybaby chowderhead or anything, but the refs are clearly handing this to LA at this point.

4:13 -  Allen with a missed layup.  Jesus.

3:05 -  You can really tell the Lake show is feeling it.  They're playing better defense now than they have all game.  Three point Laker lead, Gasol going to the line.  Hopefully the Lakers win by less than seven.

2:20 - Lakers up 74-68, and they've made about 20 free throws thsi quarter.  Thanks refs.  Lakers up 32-15 in free throw attemps.  I don't even know why I watch this crap.  Let's all cheer ourselves up for a moment:

Better?  Better.

1:30 - Ballgame.

1:23 -  Rasheed 3 pointer.  76-73.  Interesting. 

1:01 -  Artest with a 28-footer.  Clearly it's meant to be.  Or, Allen answers with a three.  Crazy right now.  Like a typical sorority after I show up. 

0:26 - Kobe misses a three, but Gasol with the rebound and Kobe ends up getting fouled.  As was clear early, LA offensive boards are the key.  Fuck this sucks.  I really hate that guy.  Congrats David Stern.  No matter how much you orchestrate it ( and the refs made it clear their was a mandate) this dickmitten will never be another Jordan.  And I hated Jordan. 

0:00 - Gay.

Tom Izzo Won't Go Away

It seems Tom Izzo will be staying with the Spartans in what seemed obvious from the beginning but had just enough legs to make me hope he'd leave the conference.  Seriously, who would want to go to Cleveland to coach, even with LeBron?  And without him that team is probably worse than the Timberwolves.  I have a feeling ole Tommy wasn't ever too serious about this, and was just wondering why, after 5 final four appearances in 10 years, he doesn't get the ole ass-kiss treatment from the media dickholes like Coach K and Roy Williams enjoy.  When the Cavs came a-calling and started stroking Tommy a little bit, I think he probably enjoyed it quite a bit, but when it came time to get down to it he realized what a good thing he has going in East Lansing, and he made the right call.  Plus, Cleveland.  Oof.

And that's just the latest in a number of possible Big Ten Basketball weakening moves that would have helped the Gophers that went the wrong way.  If Izzo left, Delvon Roe had said he'd transfer.  Obviously he is now staying.  JaJuan Johnson and E'Twaun Moore put their names into the NBA draft.  Far, far, far worse players with less chance of being drafted have stayed in the draft in the past, but these two made the right decision and backed out.  Talor Battle and Demetri McCamey could have stayed in and maybe gotten picked in the second (plenty of players have stayed in hoping for the second round selection) but both made teh right call and came out.  Two Ohio State players (William Buford and David Lighty) are exactly the type the NBA loves - neither even entered their name for consideration.  Iowa easily could have justified giving Lickliter another year or so, essentially guaranteeing further years of suck.  I mean, McCaffrey will probably suck too, but Lickliter was a guarantee, and I'm not so sure the Hawkeyes aren't better off without those transfers (especially booze-hound Tucker).

So yeah, the conference is going to be an absolute monster this year.  Purdue and Michigan State are National Championship contenders and Ohio State isn't far behind.  Illinois is pretty loaded, and Northwestern is looking feistier than ever.  Wisconsin is always a pain in the ass, and Indiana's excellent class from last year will have another year of experience.  Plus Talor Battle is back and you know he's going to win a couple of games all by himself, you just hope they aren't against the Gophers.

Tubby's got his work cut out for him.



Other random thoughts while watching the Twins game and the NBA game.

-  Wow.  Todd Helton just hit that ball a mile.  I hear all this talk about him being washed up, and I'm not sure I see it.  Guy is a legend.  He should probably be able to set his own ground rules at this point.  I hope Colorado fans appreciate what they have there.  He's just a gritty, gutty gamer who gets it done.

-  Uh oh, looks like Lamar Odom decided to show up tonight.

-   Do you want to know what sucked?  Avatar.  We rented it this weekend on Blu-ray to watch on my fancy new Blu-ray player, and I'll admit the visuals were not overrated.  It was truly some of the most stunning scenery and visual scenes I've ever seen in a movie.  Of course, after an hour of that you start getting sick of watching cartoon/computer graphics, realize this story is going no where, and then cry silently to yourself as you realize you have two hours left.

Really though.  I've heard so much about this movie, I was tricked into thinking it must have a good, or at least coherent, plot.  I didn't count on the fact that if you give most people pretty pictures you don't have to include any kind of fancy "character development", "plot", or "common sense" because your average movie goer is the same kind of slack-jawed yokel who enjoys Olive Garden, Nickelback, Old Country Buffet, High School football, Overalls, Remember the Titans, Garth Brooks, giving their kid a mohawk, David Eckstein, hockey, garage sales, the blue collar comedy tour, church, college football, Teri Hatcher, Marlboro Reds, Everybody Loves Raymond re-runs, brandy, unions, Michael Cuddyer, Wheel of Fortune, State Fairs, the Terminator movies, pick-up trucks, Mama Dawger, Barbecue, Circus Circus, Dean Koontz, wrestling, the Winter Olympics, Josh Hartnett, the Vikings, the sacrifice bunt, naming their kid Tyler, Rob Schneider, showing a little hustle, Disney World, Domino's Pizza, Leann Chinn, and pointing out the difference between Nascar and whatever other kind of car racing there is because when I say "Nascar sucks" I really mean car racing in general and I don't care nor do I need you to explain that open-wheel racing or whatever it's called is better.  No, it's not.  It's still driving a car in a circle.  It's stupid.

Sorry.

Anyway, the plot sucked, I had no reason to care about any of the characters, not even Smurfette, and just when things seem like they're going to make sense and the "good guys" (who are really just blue hippies) are going to get destroyed, perhaps the biggest Deus Ex Machina since The Stand (or Jurassic Park, if you prefer) except this one makes even less sense.  Remember how Snow White could get the birds and the squirrels to do her bidding?  It's like that, but this isn't supposed to be for kids.

And, and I'm sorry here I'm rambling, there's this part where they make this huge deal about the guy from Clash of the Titans who plugs himself into his World of Warcraft machine so he can hump the bloofer lady has to subdue some dragon/bird thing and now there's this unbreakable bond and crap.  Then for the climax, he just goes and gets a different horsedragonbird anyway.  So dumb.

Rent it on Blu-ray, watch it for an hour, and then turn it off.  That's all you need.

-  Fun fact:  Joe Mauer signed a contract for $184 million.  Those numbers add up to 13.  Also adding up to 13?  4-6-3.  Believe it.

-  The basketball game just went to commercial (it's a Laker romp thus far) and they said, "Avatar on Blu Ray!  Own it today!"  Don't you dare, people.  Don't you dare.  If you do it I forbid you from reading this blog.  I would rather watch Slovenia/Serbia on a continuous loop.  I want you to notice how those teams haven't played, but they are two of the biggest slow-it-down defensive teams who would bore you to tears.  Shows I'm paying attention.

-  Shannon Brown can still jump.

-  I'm not convinced that if the Lakers win this Kobe should win MVP over Gasol.

-  Rajon Rondo is 4-16 on free throws in this series.  I don't know if I've ever heard anything quite so ridiculous.

-  US Open winner call:  Hunter Mahan.  Grandslam's rebuttal:  Dustin Johnson.

-  Well this is ugly.

-  Delmon 3-4 tonight.  Delmon rising?  Delmon rising.

-   Tiffani Thiessen gave birth to a baby girl tonight.  No word on if it's mine. (NOTE:  it probably is)

-  Lakers up 27.  I say again:  Lakers up 27.  I see no reason to continue here.  And the announcer just said "tooken" as in "the Celtics haven't tooken many free throws."  I wish I knew who this guy was.  I can't decide if he's awesome or I hate him.  It's like being married.

Oh no! What's wrong with Joe Mauer!

This week I've heard from a couple of different radio programs that something must be wrong with Joe Mauer.  He must be injured and we don't know about it.  He must be pressing too hard because of the new contract.  He must be coasting because of the new contract.  There's something wrong.

How about he's playing exactly the way we should expect?  You didn't really think he'd hit .365 with 28 home runs every year, did you?  Even though his career averages suggest he's more of a .325 hitter with 15 homers?  You didn't really, did you?  Oh my god, you did.  How embarrassing for you.

He's hitting .312 this year at this exact moment as I type this thanks to his 1-2 so far tonight.  That's not exactly terrible.  That still ranks in the top 15 in the AL.  And would you be happier if he was hitting .350?  Do you know the difference between .312 and .350 at this point in the season?  Seven hits.  Or, one extra hit every seven games.  That's it.  And I've got news for you:  Batting average will fluctuate wildly for a non-power hitter.

That one hit every seven games could be a liner hit at somebody, a diving catch, or a blooper that just doesn't quite fall in.  At some point those are going to fall.  His line drive percentage is up quite a bit this year (27.6% to 22.6%), and his BABIP is down from a ridiculous .373 last season (though still high at .337).  He's going to be fine.

Oh.  Wait.  You probably thought he was suddenly going to turn into a power hitter thanks to that ridiculous stretch of games last year.  Did you know that last year, according to hittracker.com (which is awesome) that 11 of Mauer's homers were classified as "just enough?"  Meaning they barely cleared the wall.  Did you also know that last year his HR per Fly Ball spiked to a ridiculous 20.4%, a number which ranked him with guys like Adam Dunn, Albert Pujols, and Alex Rodriguez?  Did you know his career number is around 10%?

So process all that.  Is it really realistic, in the least, to expect him to hit 30 homers?  Or even 25?  Using his career fly-ball rate and his career HR/FB rate (including last year's ridiculous number), you can expect Mauer to hit about 14 home runs per year.  You can also expect him to hit around .325-.330 ever year.

And this is a disappointment?  No, those numbers aren't worth the contract he just signed, but if you thought the contraction was just for his production, you probably think he'll hit 40 HRs in a season, too.

No, you're not dumb.  You're a visionary.

-  As long as I'm here, I might as well weigh in on Strasburg's debut.  I watched the first six innings, and there is no doubt I came away impressed.  He was hitting 97-98 with his fastball all game, and I expected the radar gun to be a little juiced, but the way some of those Pirates were swinging at the ball (and yes, granted they are the Pirates) I think I believe it.  You can read more about Strasburg than his mom would even want to if you go to basically any website, so I won't belabor it here, but I'm going to make two points.

First, just this line:  7ip, 4 hits, 2 runs, 0 bb, 14k.  14 strikeouts, no walks.  Wow.

Second, watching him strike out 5 of 6 batters in the fifth and sixth was like watching a dominant closer come in and shut the door.  Except it was two innings, and it was his fifth and sixth frame of the night.  Wow.

He had a lot of hype, and it's going to get worse, but for tonight at least (and I'm sure there will be rough patches) he absolutely lived up to it.

And he's on our fantasy team.

-  By the way, those of you who thought I was an idiot for calling out that there was something wrong with Zack Greinke can suck it (Dharma Bum -> hi). 

-  Also Kobe Bryant is absolutely playing like a man possessed tonight.  He has been so impressive in this postseason.  Like, a whole new level.  At this point, I have to say he's the fourth best guard I've ever seen behind Magic, Jordan, and Glen Rice.

-  UPDATE:  Celtics making a nice little run here, cutting the lead down to four.  Getting murdered by the refs though.  I didn't think the "Lakers must win" mandate would come down until Game 5, four at the earliest.  Also, Rondo is very, very good with the ball, but he's passing up 15 footers out there.  He should be in the gym four hours a day this offseason figuring out how to shoot.  He'd be unstoppable.  Like Big Baby is now, apparently.  Wow did he come to play.

-  UPDATE:  These refs are just brutal either way.  Baby goes up for a layup, a little bit of contact.  He missed, and now there's a whistle and a foul on the Lakers.  Really just terrible officiating.  Story of the finals, unfortunately.

-  UPDATE:  Kobe in "Operation Chucker" mode.  Fisher carrying the Lakers right now.  Also, Kevin Garnett is not dead yet, having a monster game.  If Ray Allen could hit anything (just missed another open three and I think he's 0-12 now) Celtics would have this.

-  UPDATE:  Garnett 25 points, 11-15 shooting.

-  UPDATE:  Ray Allen 0-13.  Denzel Washington is sad.

-  UPDATE:  This constant reviewing of out-of-bounds calls is killing this game.

-  UPDATE:  Ray Allen just missed a layup, although it didn't count because KG was called for a moving pick.  John Thompson would be so proud.

-  UPDATE:  Still hate the Lakers.

Week in Review - 5/10/2010

Well the Players Championship was pretty lame.  Nobody within sniffing distance of the lead played well on Sunday with the exception of Tim Clark, letting that weird little midget and his gay-ass long putter to end up taking the win.  I refuse to acknowledge he is awesome despite the fact that I was planning on bestowing that status on whoever won at Sawgrass, because I refuse to compliment anyone who uses a long putter - and little people creep me out.  Also amongst the things done by creepy little people that I won't be acknowledging is Dallas Braden's perfect game against the Rays on Sunday.  To throw a perfecto against that lineup would normally be amazing, but every since his little 12-year-old-boy-like outburst against A-Rod for "stepping on my mount" I can't stand the little guy.  Plus his name is Dallas.

Actually, I suppose I could just put an entry for "Dwarves" in the Who Was Awesome section and talk about these two, but I don't really want to get into it because I have a couple of small friends and I'm not sure what side of the normal/freaky line they fall on.  So let's just ignore these oompa loompas this week and move on.  Agreed?  Agreed.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Nick Blackburn.  Pretty tough to ignore the week Blacky pulled out, going 2-0 with a complete game against Detroit earlier this week and then following it up with seven shutout innings on Sunday against Baltimore.  I really don't know what to make of him.  He doesn't strike anyone out (just 9 this year in 40 innings), but he doesn't walk anybody (11) either, and when he keeps the ball down and gets batters to keep it on the ground he can be very effective, like in that CG against Detroit where he got 22 ground balls to just 11 fly balls.  Of course, when he's bad and batters are hitting the ball in the air, he generally gets shelled.  All said, he's a good middle of the rotation starter, just like every other Twins' pitcher not named Liriano.  In other words, he's good enough to win more than he loses, and with this team's offense should have a solid year.

2.  LeBron James.   Wow, talk about making a statement.  After the Celtics stole game 2 in Cleveland to even the series at 1-1 there was a lot of chatter about how the Celtics were going to win, and the Cavs choked and were likely to choke the series away and blah blah blah.  I'm guessing LeBron heard that, because he absolutely took the Celtics behind the woodshed on Friday and showed them his dark secret.  He scored 21 points in the first quarter on something like 9-11 shooting, grabbed every rebound, and assisted on several other Cav baskets in route to a huge 1st quarter lead that ended up in becoming a huge blowout win.  I've really never seen anything like it.  Against a very good defensive team, James could literally do anything he wanted.  I don't watch a ton of NBA, but now I know what all those NBA dorks are talking about with the "greatest ever" talk.  Just wow.  Of course.....

3.  Rajon Rondo.   Thanks to Rondo, you can't count the Celtics out just yet, because just as when LeBron is on nobody on the Celtics can stop him, the Cavs don't have anyone on their roster who can stop Rondo when he gets it going either.  Paul Pierce absolutely sucked on Sunday, but it didn't matter since Rondo basically became LeBron (who, by the way, gets every single call to the point of embarrassment), putting up 29 points, grabbing 18 rebounds, and dishing 13 assists.  Like James in the previous game, Rondo could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.  And as impressive as LeBron was, there's still a sense that he could do it whenever he wanted and sometimes coasts on his jumper.  With Rondo it was more impressive, because you really got that "raising his game" vibe.  Very fun to watch.

4.  Purdue.  With JaJuan Johnson and E'Twaun Moore having put themselves in the NBA draft but not hiring an agent, there was a pretty clear best and worst case scenario here.  If Johnson and Moore stayed in the draft, the Boilers would become Robbie Hummel plus talented question-marks and would likely be a fringe NCAA type team with a Sweet 16 upside and an NIT downside.  If those two pulled out of the draft, the become a national title contender where a Sweet 16 elimination would be a failure.  Since I'm putting this team in the Awesome category, you can probably guess that Moore and Johnson have decided to return.  Actually, with Talor Battle, Mike Davis, and Demetri McCamey all doing the right thing and coming back to school, the Big Ten is only losing Evan Turner and that dumbass Manny Harris to early entry.  Great.  I love it when the conference gets stronger.

5.  Vladimir Guerrero.  Monster week for Vlad.  It seemed like every time I was watching Sportscenter they were showing a Vlad home run this week.  And he certainly was ripping the ball, hitting .360 and slugging .840 this week with 4 home runs and 13 ribbies in the 7 games, probably because he's feeling threatened by the awesomeness that is Justin Smoak.  Whether it's Smoak-related, the change of scenery to Tejas, or health related, it's working.  After a disastrous 2009 where he hit just .295 and OPSed .794 with 15 home runs (all career worsts) , his stats this year are at a much more robust .348 average with an OPS of .941, numbers much more suited to his prime years.  Ponce de Leon was wrong.  The Fountain of Youth isn't in Florida.  It's in Texas.  At the Alamo.  In the Basement.



WHO SUCKED

1.  Clayton Kershaw.   Kershaw, a big-time SP propect for the Dodgers, had a very, very nice season last year - his second in the bigs.  He was just 8-8, which doesn't really matter, and in 171 innings pitched he allowed just 119 hits while striking out 185.  Those are pretty incredible numbers, which makes his struggles this year even more confusing.  Going into Sunday he was sporting a 4.99 ERA this year (it was 2.79 last season) and a WHIP of 1.70 (it was 1.23 last year), and he hit his nadir (at least thus far) in a disaster of an outing last week against Milwaukee, where he lasted just 1 and 1/3 innings, giving up five hits and seven runs before getting yanked.  I've watched Kershaw pitch a couple of times, and the kid has electric stuff.  I'm not sure what the issue is, but I'm sure he'll get it figured out and start making morons look like fools at the plate again soon.  Or he's in a death spiral and will be out of the league in two years.  Since he actually bounced back with a really nice outing on Sunday and out-dueled Ubaldo, I'm betting against the death spiral thing.

2.  Atlanta..   Starting with the Hawks, who are now down 0-3 to the Magic, and haven't even been close in a game yet, losing by 43, 14, and 30, and I literally watched three Hawks watch a missed Orlando three pointer bounce right back to the shooter, then continue watching as he waltzed in for an uncontested dunk.  They can't shoot either, with their best shooting performance in the three games has been just 40%, and "star" Joe Johnson has practically torn-up the max contract someone was going to give him this offseason by chucking it up some stinkers:  10 pts (4-11 shooting) and 5 TOs in game 1, 5-16 shooting and just 2 rebounds in game 2, and just 8 points on 3-15 shooting in game 3.  He's helped to guarantee that this is the most boringest series of the most boringest NBA playoffs ever.  Seriously, three of the four series suck.  At least Phoenix/LA and Cleveland/Orlando should make for a pretty good Final Four - as long as LA doesn't win again.  And although the Braves haven't been terrible, they did toss out a couple of clunkers this week.  First, they almost get perfected by Scott Olsen on Tuesday, and then on Friday night they let old man Moyer toss a complete game two-hitter against them, just his second shutout in the last seven years.  And don't forget, this is the team that was no-hit by Ubaldo earlier this season as well.  The Braves might not be a horrible team overall, but at their worst, they hit like a collection of nine Puntos.  Or Kubels, at this point, jesus.

3.  Tiger Woods.   Well he made the cut at the Players, which is good, but had to withdraw in the middle of the fourth round due to a neck injury, which is bad.  And his swing right now is all kinds of F'd up.  Not only can he not hit a fairway to save his life (he only 6 last week at Quail Hollow), but he can't hit for distance either - he was dead last in driving distance this week at just 258 yards.  Seriously, Brad Faxon thinks Tiger hits the ball like a girl.  Clearly, he rushed himself back a bit early, and if he's smart he'll shut it down for a bit and maybe target the PGA Championship for his return.  Of course, he won't be able to stay away from the rest of the majors, at a minimum, but I really think he needs to take a lot of time, and get himself back into the same shape he was before his wife lost her mind.  He's at a very interesting crossroads, that's for sure.  Can't wait to see how this goes down. 

4.  San Antonio Spurs.  Speaking of boring series, I knew the Spurs window was closing, but I wasn't expecting it be slammed shut on their fingers with a 4-0 sweep by the Suns.  I guess when, except for a couple of guys, every contributor on the team is either old or white Father Time can catch up pretty quickly.  You might be tempted to chalk it up to the fact that they were playing the Suns and their unusual-ish style, but the Spurs have basically owned the Spurs over the years.  Getting swept by the Sun in round 2 is probably more damaging and soul-baring than getting swept in the first round by the Mavs would have been.  Realistically, they can hold on and be a non-threatening playoff team for a couple of years, but if they're smart it's time to start trying to get all the value they can out of whichever pieces they can move, otherwise they'll be looking at a long fall down the line.

5.  Jason Kubel.  As you probably know, I am Kubel's biggest fan.  However, he is starting to lose even me, going just 3-15 this week and is still hitting just .209 this year and is still sitting on two home runs - the same amount as Orlando Hudson.  He's still walking, which shows he hasn't completely lost it, and he isn't striking out significantly more often, but he just isn't hitting.  I haven't seen a lot of hard hit balls right at people or miraculous plays to rob hits, it's more a bunch of super weak tappers at infielders and infield pop ups (he's doubled his IF popup % from last year) and he's now losing at-bats to Thome.   I know one of these days he'll be back, and when he does he's going to be white hot, you can count on it.  I just don't know when.  So I'm going to try to jump start his season for him - we'll be benching him in fantasy this week.  That practically guarantees he's going to break out.  Or at least he better.  I don't want to have to burn my Kubel shirt.  It cost me like fifteen bucks.


Finally I'd like to add a couple more people that are awesome in honor of Mother's Day:  Mama W and Grandma W.  You both rock, and have been a huge influence on the person I have become.

Shame on you.

Some Quick Friday Points

- Just in case he hadn't thrown a big enough dagger in your heart last year by winning the ALCS MVP, Matt Garza did it again last night. This time he took a perfect game into the seventh against the Red Sox only to have it broken up by a faggy infield squibber by faggy Jacoby Ellsbury. It would be the only hit Garza gave up, leaving after 7 and 2/3rds after striking out 10. Garza's WHIP now stands at just 1.06, with an ERA of 3.82. Meanwhile Delmon Young is hitting .241, is on-pace for 15 extra base hits this year, and remains one of the worst in the league at swinging at pitches outside the strike zone.

Oh, and Jason Bartlett is hitting .358, tenth in the AL. Eff my life.

- In the "About Freaking Time" Category, former West Virginia QB Major Harris was finally elected to the College Football Hall of Fame. Harris is the first guy I remember really capturing my imagination as a kid, and he was the first run/pass dual threat QB I had seen (I was too young to really watch Rickey Foggie). He was just sick, like QB Eagles but in real life. In his three years he finished fifth and third in the Heisman voting, and took WVU to the national championship game in 1988 and may have won it if he hadn't had his shoulder separated on the third play of the game.

Of course, Harris made one of the worst decisions ever in going pro, foregoing his senior season to enter the NFL draft, only to be picked in the 12th round and never even making the team - or any NFL team. He played one season in the CFL and three in the Arena League before calling it quits and is now a High School Assistant Receiver's Coach. But none of that changes the greatness that was Major Harris. Congrats, Major. I salute you.

- I wrote about the Bulls vs. Celtics playoff series before, but this is getting ridiculous. Last night the Bulls beat the Celtics in double-OT to knot the series at 3-3, and every game has been a classic:
Game 1 - Derrick Rose sets a new record for scoring by a rookie in his playoff debut with 36, with the Bulls winning in OT in Boston.
Game 2 - The game I wrote about above, Rajon Rondo goes for a triple-double but is actually overshadowed by the duel between former UCONNers Ben Gordon and Ray Allen, who go for 42 and 30 with Allen hitting the game-winner.
Game 3 - The only non-competitive game is still entertaining because Boston had lost home court advantage, and took it back by beating the Bulls by 20 and reminding them who the defending champion was.
Game 4 - Chicago evens the series with a double OT win thanks to a huge three by Ben Gordon to tie it up in single OT and push it to double, and Rondo puts up his second triple-double of the series in a losing effort.
Game 5 - Boston takes a 3-2 series lead by winning in overtime thanks to Paul Pierce hitting a jumper at the buzzer to tie it up and then taking over in OT.
Game 6 - Chicago evens the series in TRIPLE overtime, despite 51 points from Ray Allen and 19 assists from Rondo, thanks to 35 points from John Salmons and another huge performance from the suddenly emerging Joakim Noah (and check out this play).

Game seven is going to be this Saturday at 7pm. I'm going to be drunk at a cabin, but I suggest you check it out if you can. Look for the Bulls to pull the upset.

- I'm pretty sure Adam Scott is broken. At the Quail Hollow Championship this week, with a world championship type field all in attendance, Scott shot 77-75 to finish at +8 and missed the cut by eight strokes. That makes four straight tournaments where he's failed to make the weekend. He won the Byron Nelson early last season, so he doesn't have to worry about losing his tour card (and has a 2nd place finish at the Sony Open this year anyway, which on it's own has him at 51st on the money list), but he better get things turned around or the sexiest golfer on tour might suddenly go the way of David Duval.

- One dude who I realized I completely forgot in my video mock draft is CB Dave Waymer of the 49ers on Tecmo Super Bowl. No matter what happened, if he was controlled by a human or by the computer, Waymer would end up leading the league in picks - every. single. season. Waymer did have seven picks, third in the league, in 1990 - the season Tecmo Super was based on, but still. Gill Byrd and Martin Mayhew each had seven that season, and I don't remember seeing them always at the top of the leaderboard. Freaking west coast bias.

- And in case you forgot, PANDEMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here's What Happened - 4/20/2009

Neither awesome, nor sucky, but I wanted to mention Torry Holt signed with the Jacksonville Jaguars today. It's a three year deal, with base salaries totaling $13 million and which could reach up to $20 million with incentives. Most interesting is that their is no signing bonus, and only the first year is guaranteed, making this extremely low risk for the Jags. With a better QB (if you consider Garrard a better QB) if Holt can return to his pro bowl form - the form where he was able to gather at least 80 catches and 1,180 yards for eight straight years - this contract is a steal for Jacksonville and a boon for Holt. If he looks more like the creaky, broken down old man he did last year, well, no big hit to the Jags and Holt gets a bit more cash for the pile.

Anyway, on to the real stuff.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. The Celtics/Bulls game. WOW. Just wow. That might have been the best basketball game I've seen since Kansas/Memphis [EDIT: Never mind, I forgot about Gonzaga/Western Kentucky, but it's the best game since that one.] I was going to highlight a player from the game, but who to choose? Rajon Rondo put up a triple double with nineteen points, sixteen assists, and twelve boards, despite Derrick Rose not at all respecting his jump shot and pretty much giving him anything outside of eighteen feet. It didn't matter, as Rondo used his quickness to get to the rim and either score or find teammates beautifully. How about the battle between former UCONNers Ben Gordon and Ray Allen? Gordon finished with a game-high 42, and was absolutely unconscious in the second half. Of course, so was Allen, who finished with 30, 28 coming in the second half, and hit the game winning three with 2.2 left of a Rondo assist following a Rondo offensive rebound. Allen not only has the prettiest shot in the NBA, but it might be the quickest as well. Even Big Baby Davis, filling in for the injured KG, deserves mention for putting up his career high 26 points in a big spot. Just an awesome, awesome game all the way around, and reminded me why I love the NBA playoffs.

2. Ross Ohlendorf. Who? Yeah, I don't know either, but guess who completely stymied the hottest team in baseball (the Marlins) last night? Yep, Rossy. Seven innings, two hits, no runs, and picked up the win when the Pirate bullpen decided not to blow it. Ohlendorf has made just thirteen career starts after two years as a reliever, and has never posted a season ERA of less than 6.35 in his three years. Due to his low strikeout rate, he was never considered an elite prospect, but hey, he shut down the hottest team in baseball. I'm guessing this is more mirage than trend, but who the hell knows? I'm kind of an idiot.

3. Tony Parker. I hate writing about commies as much as the next guy, but my only other choice for this spot would have been Dustin Pedroia, and I hate writing about Red Sox even more, so here you go. Parker led the Spurs to 105-84 victory over the Mavs last night to even their series at 1-1, going for 38 points (on 16-22 shooting) and dishing 8 assists. Of course, this is much less impressive considering he had Jason Kidd guarding him, who would have trouble stopping Travis Busch at this point. Parker has abused Kidd (assuming he played for Dallas all year, I'm too lazy to look it up), going for 31.2 points and 7.5 assists against him compared to 22 and 7 overall this year. And I'm already bored with this paragraph.


WHO SUCKED

1. Andrew Miller. Once a first round pick and top prospect of the Tigers, Miller was shipped over to the Marlins in the Miguel Cabrera trade and, well, has looked more like David West than John Smoltz (they were both prospects traded for veterans, you see). Last night we was the poor bastard to faced the Cy Young candidate Ross Ohlendorf, but it wasn't much of a battle with Miller not getting out of the fifth, giving up five hits and four runs to boost his season ERA to 6.94. In his 35 career starts, Miller is 11-17 and sports an ERA of 5.87 and a WHIP of 1.70. I know what you're thinking: it's only 35 career starts and he's still just 24 years old, but this might be a case of rushing a player to the bigs before he is ready. Last night Miller's fastball topped out at just 87 miles per hour - that's being blamed on an oblique injury (he's now on the 15-day DL), but warning sirens are screaming right now.

2. Baltimore Orioles. The Pirates are 7-6 and showing some life. The Marlins are 11-2 and have the best record in the entire league. The Rays were in the series last year and are considered one of the top contenders to win the whole thing this season. The Royals are on top of the AL Central, and might be able to stay there. Every historic bad team is at the very least giving their team some hope this season - except for the Orioles, who, after a good start, have fallen back to earth and are in the midst of a five game losing streak after losing 12-1 to the Red Sox yesterday in a game where Radhames Liz (my favorite first name in MLB) continued his spectacular flameout from prospect to pitching in the Northern League (maybe) going 0.1 innings and giving up six earned runs while hitting two of the seven batters he faced and walking another. As per usual, the O's can hit and score, but the pitching is atrocious with a team ERA of 6.72, and without a single good pitcher or even one with potential, this is just going to continue. Might as well call up Wieters now to try to get some good PR.

3. Chris Iannetta. Rockies catcher Iannetta went 1-3 last night against the D-Backs, and if you're wondering why that's news it's because it pushed his hit total to a grand total of three on the year, raising his average from .086 all the way up to the stellar .111. Iannetta has been the hot catching prospect for three years now, flaming out in his first season (.218/.330/.350) before bouncing back last year with a nice .264/.390/.505 with 18 ding dongs. Now, this season, he's put up .111/.314/.333 and is striking out once every 2.7 at bats. The plate patience is still nice with seven walks already, but at some point you actually have to hit the ball. He still has power when he does (two of his three hits are home runs) and the potential is still there, but since this guy screwed me in fantasy baseball two years ago he can go suck it. Rockies guy, any insight here?