NFL draft blog

I'm going to be paying halfway attention the the NFL draft tonight - only halfway because Mama W would kill me if I tried to make her watch the whole thing and also because I would end up bored out of my mind - so I figured I might as well put down some thoughts while I wait for the Vikes to make a terrible pick sometime after my bed time.

-  So far I've already heard the Donkey Kong Sue is a "great gap penetrator."  That was followed by me giggling for about twenty minutes.

-  We just had pick 5, safety Eric Berry to Kansas City.  I'm still on the channel and I heard him compared to Kenny Easley and Ronnie Lott in teh same sentence.  I think maybe everybody should calm down.

-  Are the Twins ever going to sweep?  Yeah, yeah, it's early and all that jazz, but this lack of a killer instinct popping up already isn't exactly my most favorite thing ever (that would either be Spicy Garlic wings from BW3 or Audrina Patridge.  No wait, my daughter.  I meant my daughter).  That's the third time now they've won the first two games of a series and then lost the third one with the opportunity to sweep, and I know I'm not the only one who noticed because I got an email from Snacks about it and I heard Barreiro talking about it on the radio.  Also that's four straight games where Rauch hasn't picked up a save.  How is he supposed to beat the record (is it K-Rod's now, or still Thigpen?) at this pace?  And how is he supposed to win us our fantasy league as the SOD?  I'm very irritated with the hometown 9 right now.

-  I did get to check out Target Field earlier this week, however, and I can say that all the praise you've been hearing is accurate, and might even be underselling it.  It's a great, great place to watch a ballgame, there's great food and plenty of places to get it, and there are bars and booze kiosks everywhere.  Honestly, my first reaction is that it is PERFECT.  They could have just given us any old outdoor park and people would sing its praises, but they really nailed it.  I could easily just live there happily.

-  I'm not exactly sure why people are talking about the Vikings getting Claussen at pick 30.  If he does start to slide into the 20s, some team with an early second rounder is going to trade up to leap frog the Vikes and get him.  I'm not even sure I really want him.  Not sure about Tebow either.  I think Snacks summed it up pretty well in this email he sent me earlier today,  

"I don’t know that I would be that much more excited about Claussen than I would about Tebow though.  I don’t think Claussen’s a sure thing.  Plus the newest reports all talk about his giant ego and other makeup issues (so he’s basically the anti-Tebow:  less doubt about ability and more doubt about makeup – this might be the first time I’m favoring the guy with the better makeup over the guy with the arguably better talent in my life.  Although I read something about Tebow being a virgin and that’s just silly.  I judge him negatively for that and view it as a character flaw.)"

Makes a lot of sense.

-  Naturally, the Raiders have to go off the board.  I won't pretend to know anything about the guy they took, but I know from reading that he was more of a mid-late teens kind of guy according to most of mock drafts and all that I looked at.  Which amounted to one.

-  Spiller to the Bills, huh?  Interesting.  I've heard two different scouting reports, one of which called him the next Chris Johnson, the other which said he's more of a Reggie Bush.  I don't think you can get much more separation than that.  That's like if you're out of town and the concierge tells you he can send a girl up to your room, and she'll either remind you of Megan Fox or Tony Siragusa.

-  If you're a big enough nerd, you might have heard that Marquis Teague, a class of 2011 point guard who is ranked as the #2 overall prospect by Rivals, committed to Kentucky today.  That shouldn't be a huge surprise given that he's the top point guard for the class and Calipari has a pretty good legacy (Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans, John Wall, Brandon Knight) so it's practically a tradition, but one guy who is really seeing things suddenly fall apart is Rick Pitino.  Teague's father played for Pitino a long time ago, Pitino had been recruiting Teague two solid years before Calipari came into the picture, Pitino hired Teague's high school coach as an assistant, and Teague was essentially all but committed to play at Louisville last summer.  Combine this loss with top 10 recruit Michael Chandler's decision to de-commit from the Ville and the loss of Jeremy Tyler to play overseas last year after having committed to play for Pitino, not to mention all the personal crap going on, and it feels like Pitino is taking the program down.  Down, down, down.   

-  Chargers trade up to take Ryan Mathews out of Fresno and no relation to Cory.  I predict he will be the first pick in many, many fantasy keeper leagues this year.  Welcome to Bustville.  Population = you.

-  This is a lot more entertaining that I remember the draft being in the past.  When Mama W gets home and makes me change the channel I'm actually going to be kind of bummed out.  Oh well.  Booze always kills those feelings of sadness.  That Nic Cage guy had it right in that Las Vegas movie.

-  So the NCAA Tournament is expanding to 68 teams, which I think is awesome if they don't make the four play-in games between the 8 worst teams, thus essentially eliminating four conferences from the "real" tournament right away.  They need to make the play-in games between the last 8 at-large teams in order to grab the four twelve seeds.  They could make a whole day of it, one game each at like noon, 3, 6, and 9pm and call it Bubble Tuesday^TM. That's got a magical ring to it. I'm glad I thought of it and came up with it all on my own and Bogart didn't come up with this idea five years ago at all, no matter what he tells you.  Remember, all lawyers are liars.  Just watch Liar Liar.

-  I'M JOSE CANSECOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-  Good god is New York State of Mind or whatever it's called overplayed at every single sporting event that has anything remotely related to New York.  It's gotten to the point where it's almost as irritating as the wave or Chris Berman.

-  Mort, who is starting to look suspiciously like a cross of John Madden and Pat Summerall, tells us that if the 49ers don't take Claussen at 17 he's going to fall to the end of the first round.  I can see Arizona taking him at #26, but other than that if he doesn't go at 16 to Tennessee (he will) or the 9ers at 17 there's nobody else who needs a QB.  But again, it's almost certain somebody would trade up to jump the Vikes to get him.  I'm now dreading the almost certainty that they're going to draft Tebow, although I'm strangely titillated at the thought as well.

-  Derrick Morgan is also the name of a character on the pretty good CBS show Criminal Minds.  Good show.  When Inigo Montoya left I thought it was going to go downhill, but the Voice of Fat Tony has been even better.  Plus, both A.J. Cook and Paget Brewster?  Rawr.

-  Claussen officially slips past the 49ers.  Let the games begin.  I'm finding myself hoping he slips all the way down to the Vikings.  Who knew?

-  They just showed a trailer for a movie called "The Losers."  I missed most of it, but I'm assuming it's about the readers of this blog.  Zing.

-  The talking heads on ESPN want us to know that this is the year the Texans finally break through.  Yep, for the fourth year in a row, THIS is the Texans year.

-  Interesting.  They sent a reporter to the house of each of the three borderline first-round QBs:  Erin Andrews to Jimmy Claussen's house, some other nubile young blond to Colt McCoy's house, and Jeremy Schapp to Tebow's house.  I wonder if they planned to send a chick to all three, but when the girl got to Tebow's house he was like "Begone foul temptress!  The sight of thine flesh offends God, and brings a plague of demons uponest the earth!  Thou art banished from my home!  Go forth and pray for forgiveness, vile strumpet, for the stain of the devil's sin is upon your bosom!"

-  Denver takes Demaryius Thomas over Dez Bryant because they are so afraid of a little attitude from their wideouts since they had to ship out Brandon Marshall.  Seriously, you need swagger from your receivers if you want them to be good.  Name one good receiver who wasn't cocky?  You kind of want to say Marvin Harrison, but then you have to remember he shot a bunch of holes in people with a fat-ass handgun, so you can't really go there, can you?  Case closed.

-  This is really going to suck if the Packers take Dez Bryant here.

-  Good.  This Beluga kid was a possible top 10 pick so it sucks the Pack got a steal, but I really didn't want them to get Bryant.  Remember how Randy Moss lit up the Pack his rookie year?  It would have been the same thing.

-  Mountain Dew or Crab Juice?

-  Dez to the Cowboys.  This is either an absolutely perfect match or it's going to be a complete and total disaster.  There is no in-between.  You hear me?  There is no in-between.  Honestly, what a great pick.  This is going to go down with the Vikes' pick of Moss as one of the great first round steals of all-time.  I love this guy.  I think his downside is Chad Johnson.  Yes, downside.  Which means his upside is Jesus.

-  Tebow to Denver?  How odd.  I mean, it's clear to anybody with a brain that Orton isn't exactly the answer, but didn't they just trade for Brady Quinn?  What, exactly, are they doing?  I kind of feel like that McDaniels guy thinks he's a lot smarter than he really is.  Like he's trying to be all creative and innovative and live up to Bill Belichick's example, but this feels like a waste of a pick to me.  Maybe they'll make him a fullback.

-  Some nerd is interviewing Tebow right now and I desperately wish I was watching the actual TV coverage instead of a silent internet feed, but instead we are now watching the Office so I can't complain.  And Pam or Erin has become a legitimate question at this point.  I think I secretly wished the Vikings got Tebow.  My god, the jokes.  God I hope the Vikings draft a super religious virgin.

-  Holy crap this god interview is going on forever.  I wonder god what Tegod is saying?  I wonder if he god referenced god at all, or if it was god about football questions about god adn how he thinks he can god make an impact on the god field as a god quarterback god god.

-  Arizona takes a non-Claussen, which means there are three picks before the Vikes and Claussen is on the board and I'm officially really hoping he ends up a Viking.  Seriously, he could have been a top 10 pick and they can get him at 30?  And he lines up to take over for Favre perfectly.  I really hope this happens.

-  Damn, the Pats have this pick, and they're the kings of trading down, so I fully expect somebody to jump up grab Claussen right here.

-  Nope, they keep it and take somebody something.  Neither Miami or the Jets need a QB, so it's either a trade or they got a shot at Claussen.  They have to take him, don't they?  The guy could have been a top 10 pick and nobody would have batted an eye, and now he can be had at 30?  And it's a position of need?  God, they have to do it, right?  This would be a steal.  I'm actually excited.

-  By the way, how much did Tebow and all his ding-dong friends look like they belonged on Jersey Shore?  But with more bibles and probably more working out.  And also likely more suppressed longingly gay looks.

I'm going to miss the jokes so much.

-  Miami and the Jets both pass on Claussen, so he's just sitting there for the Vikings.  They better take him.  There is zero reason not to.

-  And they trade the pick to the Lions.  That's super boring, although I guess it makes tomorrow more interesting.  Oh, and with that I'm bored and going to stop typing.