Saturday, November 7, 2009

Dinocroc = Johnny Lawrence? (Live Movie Blog)

Next up on your live movie blog excitement is a little ditty called "Dinocroc" brought to you by the same jackasses who brought you "Supergator", or as I like to call it, Super Gay.....tor.  It's funny because it's a gay joke.  Oh relax.  Anyway, our synopsis is "Several townspeople step forward to save their community form the jaws of a prehistoric reptile."  Sounds a lot like Lake Placid, which was good.  Somehow I doubt this will be. On to the fun.......

-  We're in Australia, and right away there's some crocodile dundee dressed guy hunting crocs.  I can only assume this is a bad sign.  Although on the other hand, he just got eaten.  Things are looking up.

-  God, nothing makes my balls shrivel up and bile rise in my throat like seeing that "Roger Corman Productions" banner show up.  I ran this down for you in the Supergator live blog, but as a refresher, "it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure."  Alright!  Who's fired up now?

-  Now we're heading into a genetics laboratory, who I assume will be at fault for creating a giant croc that wreaks havoc on the community before it is saved by Costas Mandylor.  Poor Science.  These movies always do two things:  mangle any scientific fact they try to bring into play and blame careless scientists for creating monsters.  Oh yeah, well if you can't keep your facts straight, maybe you are the careless one!  Maybe all these deaths are on you!  I don't want....your life!

-  Oh snap!  One of the genetically engineered baby crocs killed the other!  Now the main science lady is in their lair or whatever investigating what's going on.  Do you think she shut the door?  Or do you think she left it open, is about to get killed, and the dinocroc will escape?  Before you guess, I want you to keep in mind that the "baby" dinocrocs are already about 10 feet long, and she went in their pen with a tazer and a pen.  Now you guess.

-  Here's the plan to get the croc back:  feed it at the same place and same time every night until they can capture it.  I don't get it.  If you know where it is enough to feed it, then just capture it.  It's only 10 feet long right now, but "grows at an incredible rate."  And their "bait" is a dog.  So they're going to chain the dog to a post in some random area of the swamp (NOTE:  There's always a swamp) and just assume dinocroc will show?  Except now the jackass let the dog run away, and dinocroc actually did show up.  To eat the guy. So I guess this plan is going flawlessly.

-  I think that's Jamie Walters playing the main dude in this.  Nope, looked it up, it's some guy who isn't anybody, but looks just like Jamie Walters.  So that's what we are going to call him.  He's the male lead, and the female lead is some chick who is a Veterinarian.  Right now they are looking for a lost dog with three legs - the very same dog who was almost bait for the Dinocroc!  What an incredible twist!

-  Some 100 year old dude is tracking the Dinocroc using sonar and what not, and he's got a bead on him.  I also have no idea who this guy is or where he came from, I guess I missed that part

-  Vet girl and Vinnie from Blossom are now playfully splashing each other with swamp/lake water - you know, because that's what people do - completely oblivious that the Dinocroc is stalking them.  Luckily, crotchety old man in the boat knows it, and he essentially rams them to get them out of the water.  No sign of the croc.  So basically absolutely nothing happens in this scene.

-  Turns out the old guy is affiliated with the genetics company that created these crocs in the first place.  And now he's taken the two leads to their lab, getting them into the restricted access area, spilling their company secrets, and basically telling them about every skeleton in this company's closet.  Why?  Because they were in the water when the croc was around, of course.  Seriously, I have no idea.  This is like, a vet and a construction worker, there's no reason at all to even bring them into the fold, especially since they weren't even aware there was a large crocodilian on the loose in their area.  I'm SHOCKED that this movie isn't making any logical sense.

-  Ok, I guess they are the local animal control officer and reptile expert.  Makes a little more sense, but just a little.  They've also brought in the "Quint" guy now.  You know, the badass, tough as nails, manly man who is an expert at killer crocs.  Yeah, he's here now.

-  Obligatory scene with drunk rednecks going hunting illegally on a game park reserve in the middle of the night ($20 says Super Sioux Fan has done this).  The both got eaten in super undramatic and lame fashion, and all we ever see of the dinocroc so far is an obviously computer generated flash of it's tail.  Building suspense like Jaws did, or too cheap a budget to show it's title monster?  You decide, but let me tell you there was more suspense for the second half of the gopher/bulldog basketball game than I'm feeling right now.  More sexual tension, too.  These two leads are terrible.

-  I just looked them up, and neither lead actor had done much before, and niether has done much since.  Basically this was their one shot at glory, and they failed.  Like Darius Washington.

-  So I've been doing a lot of thinking about fantasy college basketball, and I think I might just go with Varnado as the #1 pick (although I'm trying to trade draft slots to get to 3rd or 4th).  He's the player that would be the most fun, and if he continues to improve like he has been he'll be a super stud.  But then again, you can't win your league in the first round, but you can lose it so I should just go Harangody since he is a sure thing and will be the offensive focal point for that team.  I just hope somebody trades draft spots with me so I don't have to worry about it.   

-  Ok, there it is.  It's big and, just like the Super Gator, is some kind of cross between a croc and a T-Rex, and loves to roar, even more than your average shark.  Actually, I think this is basically the exact same movie as Super Gator.  Except this time it's a croc, and last time was an alligator.  Nice job, Corman, keep beating that horse.

-  $11 million for Cuddy?  LO-mother effing-L.

-  The swamp from before is now a lake, and a lake where billions of people have shown up to ski and boogie board and whatever else you young people like to do.  I understand that this suddenly makes a lot more deaths possible, and there are suddenly bikinis involved, but I'd at least like an explanation - even a half-assed one.

-  Fake Quint just dove in the water to try to "flush it out", speaking about the Dinocroc that has been surface feeding on swimmers like a largemouth on a hula popper for the last ten minutes.  I don't know that this plan makes much sense.  Maybe he's planning to wrestle it to death under water.

-  Well now the old guy just fell in the water.  And not because the boat was rammed or anything that made sense, just because he was old apparently.  I don't know, I guess his hip failed or something.

-  Hm.  Now the media swarms have decended on that genetics company in order to demand answers about the deaths, which is weird because we haven't seen anything about a leak to the media and the only people who have seen that this thing is some sort of mutant are either on the genetics company's side or dead.  In other word's, other than their weird old dude getting eaten, there's no reason to connect this to the company.  Especially since they are in Florida, and everything actually points to this just being a crocodile with a taste for human flesh.  This movie is really giving Occam's Razor the finger.

-  Let's see, the Sheriff wants to go after the croc with "all the firepower we have", while the "good guys" want to use carbon monoxide.  I swear I'm not making that up.  Boggles the mind.

-  OMG, one of the guys who wrote this also wrote Suger Gator, so not only is this the identical movie, it was written by the same guy who somehow now got two paychecks.  Also they just found Steve from Full House's kids bike all mangled.  I remember seeing the croc going after that kid while he was looking for his dog, which somehow has gone on for like three days now, but honestly I can't remember if it killed him or not.  I would assume no, since generally movies don't kill little kids - other than It and Pay it Forward - but that dad guy sure thinks so and he just jumped on his badass moped and drove off by himself, I assume to go after the Dinocroc by himself.  Always a good idea.

-  Nope, I'm wrong.  He went to the bar instead and ordered "a bottle of anything."  Just went up a few notches in my book.

-  By the way, we started going through season one of True Blood again, just because we are getting antsy for season two and my crush for Anna Paquin continues to grow.  You need to do a google search to get to the really good stuff, but for now this will have to do:

 -   In news almost as awesome as Anna Paquin's breasts, Lance Stephenson is officially eligible for Cincinnati.  You can expect to see the Bearcats in the top 10 at some point this year, along with a ton of articles about what a "shocker" it is.  Guess what?  I'm telling you now, it's no shocker.  That team will be a contender to win the Big East.

-  So that guy who thinks his kid is dead even though he probably isn't is having a good cry in his bed, and this like super sad music is playing in the background.  I bet anything the director and Mike Seaver thought that this would be a super powerful scene and we would all cry and it would be like The Notebook and shit.  It's not.  But on the bright side for that guy that chick felt bad and crawled into bed with him and just put his hand on her boob.  I know that would cheer me up.  Good job that chick.  Meanwhile this is all interspersed with shots of the sheriff's guys getting taken down one-by-one by Dinocroc.  It's very much like the Karate Kid, if Daniel-san was the croc and the Cobra Kai was the sheriff and his dorky minions. 

-  The sheriff, aka Sensei, lost five men last night, and now he wants to try their carbon monoxide plan to kill the croc.  Also Vinny wants us to know he's "In" and he wants to killl "that fucker."  Cue montage scene.  Did I or did I not tell you this was like the Karate Kid.  Except the good guys are now the good guys and I guess the croc is now the Cobra Kai.  He did strike hard.  He did strike first.  And he had no mercy.  He also made them "get him a body bag" several times.  This analogy is awesome.

-  I ran the numbers and using our scoring system Harangody outscored the next closest guy (Varnado) by six points per game last year.  There i sno way I can pass that up, and I'm stupid for even trying to trade out of that spot.  So nevermind.  I get to have Harangody.  Yeah.

-  Pretty sure fake Quint is wearing a cowboy hat and a stocking cap.  And also they are using live dogs as bait for the croc.  That's awesome.  People should do that in real life, and I'll tell you why:  dogs suck.  It's a fact.  The only dog ever worth a damn was Snake's dog Tippy, who was great but then went completely psycho when Mrs. Snake popped out their first kid.  So dogs are stupid.  Sorry Bogart.  I like Bender and all, but dogs suck.

-  The sheriff is arresting that chick and that dude because they object to using the dogs as bait.  Frickin' liberal hippies.  And I think the sheriff just said "chum boat."  I would rewind to check, but I don't really want to know if I'm wrong.

-  Yep, it's a chum boat.  They have a chum boat.  Awesome.  I've always kind of wanted to drive the boat around at my parents' cabin and chum.  I don't know that it would accomplish anything, but if there's any monsters lurking, we'd find them.  And it can't hurt the fishing, you know?

-  Something just happened and the two main characters escaped from the truck where they were being held.  Yep, they were being held in a truck.  And now they have somehow acquired blow torch and are using it to melt the handcuffs off each other.  Again, I swear I'm not making this up.

-  We watched some movie called "It's Alive" the another night.  Probably the worst movie ever.  And I've watched A LOT of bad movies. 

-  Holy sweet christ does Taylor Swift look gorgeous with dark hair.  Wow.  Watch Saturday Night Live.  She goes from cute to absolutely amazing.  Trust. (note:  we switched over to SNL.  You probably figured that out.  I'll get back to the movie, I promise.)  Also, am I gay if I like that song of hers about how "you belong with me?"  Big fan.

-  Ok, back to the movie.  I can't remember what is supposed to be happening, but I just saw some really shitty cgi of a large tail which no doubt means Dinocroc is on the movie.  Make your time.

-  Those two dorks are using their gay little blowtorch to free the dogs and melt their chains so they get free.  Forget for a minute that I doubt a handheld blowtorch can reach the melting point of steal, you're being chased by a crocodile/T-Rex hybrid - give up the dogs and just run, morons.

-  that dudes little five volt blowtorch is apparently enough to keep dinocroc at bay.  Conslusion:  Dinocroc is a pussy.  Or, alternatively, a shitty little blowtorch = the crane kick, if we want to torture that analogy a bit more.

-  Vokda + Diet Coke + lime juice = $

-  What happened?  there was a bunch of noise and people staring, and then we faded to black, and now apparently it's all over.  Sheriff claims he killed the thinger, but we saw nothing of the climax.  Normally I'd say we are waiting on a plot twist, but a movie this shitty could very well go ahead and not actually show anything of the climactic battle/fight/dumb crap.

-  By the way, fake Quint didn't do shit and was kind of a pussy the whole movie.  Although we have 15 minutes left right now.  Still time for redemption.  Also did you know Michael Cuddyer will make $11 million in 2011?  That's hilarious.

-  They're making a Dinocroc vs. Supergator movie called "Volcanic" which is already in post-production and stars David Carradine.  Yes, the guy who killed himself accidentally because of the whole auto-erotic aphisxiation thing.  Also in a related note I can't spell asphixiation.

-  Oh, it's still alive.  And Mrs. W wants you to know it "looks like a doll.  Like somebody is standing there going rawr rawr rawr.  This needs to end.  Like ASAP."  She is not amused.  I think she wants to get back to the Taylor Swift thing because I think she has a little crush on her.  So, Taylor, if you're out there:  both me and the missus have a thing for you.  Call me.

-  This thing hates fire as if it was Frankenstein's monster - not Frankenstein, though.  If you ever hear anybody called the monster "Frankenstein" you would be well served by knifing them in the kidney - and they would be better off as well.

-  Do you want to know how this movie ended?  No, you don't.  I'm going to tell you anyway.  The Dinocroc got run over by a train.  A locomotive, if you will.  But it wasn't quite dead, so Pacey stabbed it in the eyeball.  That's going to make it tough to come back for Suepr Gator vs. Dino Croc, but I guess Super Gator got blown up by a volcano, so anything is possible.  It's like heaven for retards.

- So I guess that kid did die.  That's kind of weird. 

-  Jesus.  Right at the very end, before roll credits, the dinocroc walks across the screen and roars.  But they just showed it all dead and crap.  How is that possible?  I guess it's not that hard to come back for the sequel when you're a zombie Dinocroc.  Whatever.  I've seen worse.  Also I'm not sure that "like heaven for retards" joke made sense above, but I'm going to leave it in because it makes me laugh.  Like your face.

-  I was going to be all done here, but I just uploaded that picture of the movie poster and I noticed it says "It feeds on fear."  No it doesn't.  It feeds on mostly humans, and a few dogs.  Also, in order to feed on fear, you need to actually show up.  This stupid thing was on screen like, one minute total of the whole movie.  I wasn't afraid of it, I just wanted to see it.  That movie poster makes me angry.  I'm now going to do nothing.

1 comment:

catapult said...

Was Zach Puchtel at the gopher-umd game or something? (re: the sexual tension)