Thursday, December 4, 2008

Last Night in Whore-Lando.

Hi. Last night in Whorelando Calrissian. And thank god for that. I think my reality is unraveling. Didn't get done with the seminar tonight until after 6. Heading over to the Capital Grille (Filet Mignon au Poivre, mashed potatoes) and put down a couple of nice dirty martinis. Have seven beers left in the fridge, so probably won't be a super late night or anything, but I'm already feeling a bit good, especially since the Gopher Hole stole my Midwest Classic idea and is passing it off as their own. Haters.

- Holy crap, some dude from USC just punched Blake Griffin in the nuts. Like, he walked right up to him in transition, and popped him right in the cubes with his left hand. I mean, he tried to be all sneaky about it, but the camera just so happened to be zoomed in because the announcers were, not surprisingly at all, focusing on him as if he was the Queen of Sheba. So we saw it live. That was awesome. I've never seen anyone be so blatantly dirty, other than when Laettner stepped on the dude who he secretly wanted to sleep with. And I guess when Albert Haynesworth stepped on that dude's head, but this is definitely third. I guess they can use instant replay, and since the cameras were on their boyfriend they saw it and ejected the guy. He's kind of my personal hero though.

- The announcers just said that Wayman Tisdale is the greatest Sooner of all-time. I'm not buying it. I think it's because he is there at the announcing booth, survived cancer, and can play a mean guitar. Just because I'm bored of this game and there's nothing else on (no NFL network here so I can't watch my exboyfriend LT), let's find out. He was a three-time all american (wow) and won a gold medal. He's one of only 108 players to finish his college career with 2,000 points and 1,000 rebounds, and the only Sooner. Out of those players, he ranks 11th in points and 91st in rebounds. He's the all-time leading scorer for Oklahoma. He ranks 8th on the Big Eight's list of all-time rebounders, so I assume that would put him first or second in Oklahoma's history but I can't find that actual information. I would like to go ahead and change my mind and agree with random announcer guy and say Tisdale IS the all-time greatest Sooner.

- If you take away the people I've never heard of, you can pretty much put that list of people with 2,000 points and 1,000 rebounds into shocking and not shocking. Not shocking would include Lew Alcindor, Larry Bird, Danny Manning, Oscar Robertson, David Robinson, Keith Van Horn (god was he good at Utah), Elgin Baylor, Chris Laettner, Jerry West, Rick Barry, Ralph Sampson, Patrick Ewing, Danny Ferry, Xavier McDaniel, Pervis Ellison, Derrick Coleman, David West, John Wallace, Tim Duncan, and Alonzo Mourning. Varying degrees of NBA success, but pretty damn good college players. Then you have a few shockers like Stacey Augmon, Rafe LaFrentz, Hakim Warrick (I love him, but these are really lofty numbers), Nick Collison, Bill Cartwright, Sam Perkins, Adam Keefe, and Byron Houston.

- I guess there are two more categories, former and current T-Wolves (Gerald Glass for real, Laettner, Gary Trent, and Ryan Gomes) and It sucks you died because you were awesome (Hank Gathers).

- For reference sake, Steve Esselink scored 174 points and had 70 rebounds in his career.

- Funny. I just played a game at Whatifsports with a team I drafted, and I decided to play the 2008 Twins to try out this new team. Game tied in the bottom of the ninth, and they bring in Brian Bass. Hit, hit, walk, hit, game over. So perfect. Also please ignore the nerdiness of this whole thing and instead concentrate on how accurate it is that Brian Bass got destroyed.

- So, hi, again, although you are unaware that I left. I did, indeed, head to the hotel bar because I was bored. The same scary bartender was there again, but she seemed less scary tonight, perhaps because I was more durnk. Nothing particularly interesting here, except that I heard one guy describe some other dude as a "good ole boy" which is incredibly terrifying. I immediately said, "the South shall rise again" because I assumed that's what I was supposed to do. He walked away with no comment. I'm guessing he needed to talk to his friends about if I should be inducted into his KKK clan, but I didn't stick around to hear the results.

- When I was down there they showed that UCONN just barely beat Buffalo, and then some guy whose name I didn't catch said "This was a good test for UCONN." Really? They were 3-2 going into the game with wins against Youngstown, Canisius, and Temple and losses against Niagara and Evansville. I suppose the Temple win is pretty decent and the Niagara loss isn't a killer for a team at this level, but losing to Evansville is like losing to the Detroit Lions, whoever you are. Of course, he might have meant it's a good test for UCONN being in a close game since they've destroyed everyone but LaSalle (won by 8) but I prefer to think it's the meaning where I can make fun of whoever that was.

- Can anyone explain the shooting sleeve to me? Does it have any actual value? L-Dub and Hoff and Devoe are or have worn it, and I don't get it because AJ Abrams wears it too, but he wears it on his shooting arm where if I remember correctly at least one of those gophers if not more wear it on the off arm. I think Iverson started it and wore it on his shooting arm. Is it a real thing that matters, or is it a cosmetic deal like when Kerry Kittles did that thing with his socks? Plz help.

- UCLA has a dude named Michael Roll who is a white guy and three point specialist who is a bit chubby. Didn't they used to have a dude named Michael Roll who was a big tall bald black guy who couldn't make a free throw ever? Am I crazy? Plz help.

- This Tejas/UCLA game is pretty good. I'm convinced AJ Abrams is a rich man's version of Lawrence Westbrook, and Alfred Aboya is kind of a retard.

- So the Sox traded Javier Vazquez for some prospects from the Braves. This, along with the Swisher trade, shows that Ken Williams is a little bit smarter than your average GM. He's trading "key" pieces of last year's team for some youth, and that's an excellent move for the Sox, especially if he's committed to Ozzie Guillen, who should probably be committed (HI-Yooooooooooooooooooo). And they may not be done, as it sounds like Jermaine Dye and Bobby Jenks could be moved as well, which would be sad because Jenks sucks goat ass. As I type this ESPN is breaking down the AL central and their moves and the big Twins move is trying ot sign Casey Blake which is incredibly depressing. don't you love the whole Twins strategy of signing washed up guys and hoping they work out? Tony Batista, Mike Lamb, Adam Everett, the list goes on. It always works out. Expect Lillebridge (Vaz trade) to make a pretty big impact this year.

- You know, I always limited myself to two martinis because if I had more than that I became stupid and retaded with no real judgement. tonight I did not factor in my decreased tolerance since Wonderbaby arrived. It's ok though, since the training this week has also been stupid and retarded.

- Speaking of wonderbaby, I'm not going to lie to you I miss her like you wouldn't believe. Mrs. W has a blog where she posts her pictures (which I would never post here) and looking at it right now almost makes me cry. Four days without those two is way too much, and I don't get home tomorrow until 8:30. Thanks work, you assbangers. Anyway, here is an awesome video of Wonderbaby showing how she learned to wave.

- Speaking of the training, it was fun today because I got praised for being a math genius because I could calculate simple percentages in my head. It turns out most business people are morons. Then this one chick was all like, "oh, I once knew a guy who could calculate 10 factorial in his head" and like ten seconds later I was like, "It's about 3.6 million." Holla.

- Any chance we can just go ahead and get over the whole Plax Burress deal?

- Here's Wonderbaby eating bacon. She loved it. It's funny


- By the by, it seems Esselink continued his career in some Mexican league. Also in this league would be Taliek Brown (UCONN), Will Frisby (Miami), and Oliver Lafayette (Houston). Those last two dudes were decent, but that's the whole of the league. And when you look at the overall league rosters, sunshine doesn't even show up so I don't even know what that means. Someone send me $124.99 so I can get access to this data. I promise I will look at it all the time.

- Hey ESPN just informed me that Michelle Wie is leading the Qualifying Tournament for the LPGA. That's Q-School folks. As in, you have to finish in the top 10 or so to get your tour card. Good thing she was playing in all those men's tournaments though. At least she might win something. Although I'd guess not.

- Wow I made a huge mistake. I miscounted the beers in the fridge by an entire row. So when I thought I had seven left earlier, I had ten. And when I thought I had four, I had seven. So going to the bar was completely unneccesary. I thought I had two left and could go to bed, but I actually have five. Will i finish them all? Or call it after two? I don't know, stay tuned for your thrilling conclusion.

- Less than trhilling. I fail.

5 comments:

bobby said...

Is anyone on this blog surprised that W's kid likes bacon?

Larry said...

W, according to the Internet, shooting sleaves “help you heal from minor injuries, they reduce muscle strain,they help your form, may heat your arm and that keeps your muscles from contracting.”

I know you also are curious about those bands football players where around their arms. Well, the Internet know what those are for too: “By taking some of the load off the muscles and tendons near their attachment points they reduce the likelihood of tearing, particularly of the triceps tendon when falling on the hands. Physical therapists give these to the players to prevent lateral and medial epicondylitis and outright rupture injury and keep them in the game with less pain.”

Anonymous said...

El Baile? Is that you?

P.S. More baby pictures!

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