DWG College Hoops Preview: Teams #25-20

Delmon effing Young.  Is it possible that the dude is a legit playoff assassin?  And when he blows up in the playoffs and the Tiger fans are like, "Hooray Delmon he's awesome" and all us Twins fans are kind of like "ha ha small sample size it's pure luck this dude sucks" that we're actually wrong?  Like, that Delmon is a Mr. Clutch type of guy rather than a Mr. Plow type of guy?  He has 8 home runs in his postseason career (115ish ABs) which would put him at like 40 for a season at that rate when his career high is 21.  In seven career playoff series he's hit over .300 in four of them, which is pretty remarkable when he's never done it in a full season.  He's OPSed over 1.100 twice in the playoffs, which is pretty remarkable.  You know how many dudes have ever done that?  Well probably a lot but I still think it's crazy that we're talking about Delmon Young.  When do we pass the small sample size thing?  He's over 100 ABs at this point.  I'm just saying.  Maybe the guy knows how to raise his game?  Or actually tries in the playoffs?  I don't know.  Pretty crazy. 

25.  Virginia Commonwealth Rams.  I'm getting kind of sick of VCU doing well all the time, but there's no reason to think this streak is going to end as long as Shaka Smart is still there and not coaching the Gophers.  VCU even picked up two recruits off ESPN's Top 100 list, the first of the Smart era.  They only lose one starter off of last year's squad, and even though he was their leading scorer last year it doesn't really matter because the way these teams are always constructed to be deep, balanced, and give plenty of minutes to plenty of players so with almost the full rotation back plus the two freshmen I think these guys will be just fine, and moving to a bigger conference (they're in the A-10 now) means they won't have to scrape and claw for an at-large bid so expect to see them in March once again.  Oh, and just to rub it in, VCU is planning construction on a new basketball practice facility sometime in 2013.  *killsself*

24.  San Diego State Aztecs.  Remember that SDSU team from two years ago that was so awesome?  I loved that team, and good news for people like me, this year's Aztec team is similarly built and might be even better.  Pretty much everybody of consequence on this year's squad is versatile and between 6-3 and 6-8, they have last year's two top scorers in the Mountain West back in Chase Tapley and Jamaal Franklin, a very good point guard in Xavier Thames, one of the best recruits in history coming in with Winston Shepard, and great depth on the bench thanks to a whole slew of transfers.  Last year was a disappointment but the Aztecs still made the NCAA Tournament for the third straight season under the awesome Steve Fisher, a streak that should continue unlike my streak of winning on pulltabs which ended last night thanks to a stupid box called "Halloscream."  Always stay away from seasonal gimmicks.  I should have known better.

23.  Notre Dame Fighting Irish.  Speaking of remember things, remember Luke Harangody?  Well apparently he had a twin little brother because Jack Cooley is back for his senior season and he's pretty much the exact same guy.  The numbers aren't quite as gaudy but the game is nearly identical as is the physical appearance to a creepy level.  Even creepier than having a Harangody clone hanging around is Scott Martin is back for another year.  Yes, the same Scott Martin who was part of the JaJuan Johnson/Robbie Hummel/E'Twaun Moore/Scott Martin recruiting class at Purdue.  The transfer to Notre Dame and losing a year to injury have had him in college nearly as long as Trevor Mbakwe.  What it really means is that the starting front court for Notre Dame 2013 will look exactly the same as Notre Dame 2010.  It would be sweet if you knew someone who went into a coma in 2010 and then just woke up and you could have them watch a Notre Dame game and convince them they were only unconscious for a couple of days.

22.  Michigan State Spartans.  It is a testament to the program Izzo has built that he can lose the unquestioned leader, heart and soul of the team, do everything coach on the floor guy from last year's team and not take a step back, which I suppose isn't really much of a surprise since, like LL Cool J, he's been here for years.  What is a little surprising is there's no heir apparent as the go-to guy/leader that Izzo almost always has.  The team's leading returning scorer is Keith Appling who is too erratic, the lone senior is Derrick Nix, who isn't good enough and got busted for pot this summer, and the team's two best players will probably end up being a freshman (Gary Harris) and a guy returning from a knee injury (Branden Dawson).   Although knowing how things happen at Michigan State it wouldn't surprise me if one of these guys (or someone else) will morph into that guy.  One thing's for sure, the Spartans will play defense, rebound, and will be able to change their game to match their opponent and hang with anybody.  I have them as my fifth best Big 10 team, but it wouldn't surprise me if they're the last one from the conference standing in March.  They're like the St. Louis Cardinals - nothing they do in the postseason is ever a surprise.

21.  UNLV Runnin' Rebels.  I think it's safe to say the old Rebels are back in the form of the new Rebels.  Under Lon Kruger the Rebels became a walk-it-up kind of team, but with Dave Rice taking over last season they upped their tempo to top 29 in the country and it wouldn't surprise me if they were even faster this year.  And they're continuing down the transfer route with Khem Birch, former McDonald's All-American, coming in from Pittsburgh and Bryce Jones, a former starter at USC, coming in this year and both expected to start with Roscoe Smith from UCONN coming in next season.  Add in having their leading scorer and rebounder back from last season (Mike Moser who averaged a double double) and add in Anthony Bennett, the 7th best recruit in the country, and the Rebels are loaded with talent.  The only real question is will they mesh like Tarkanian's UNLV teams, or Tarkanian's Fresno State teams?  Obviously, I'm betting on the former (and you can too at 25-1 to win the whole thing).

20.  Cincinnati Bearcats.  It might be a bit odd to have the Bearcats this high considering they lost Yancy Gates and have nobody who can clearly replace, or even step in, for him, but they have two things that won me over.  First, they seemed to be on TV a ton last year and every time I watched them they impressed me with their toughness.  Remember after the big fight Xavier went into a tailspin while Cincy went on a run, culminating in a amazing streak closing out the season (wins over #7 Marquette, #14 Georgetown, and #2 Syracuse in the final month) and a run to the Sweet 16.  Not to sound like some stupid cliche-ridden sportswriter guy, but these guys were warriors last year.  Second, they are loaded at guard with three guys who can shoot, create, get to the rim, and play defense and I'm always a sucker for great guards.  All of this is for naught if nobody can play in the paint, however, and their most talented front court guy is a redshirt freshman who is 6-7 and weighs 170 - that's not a typo.  Guy's like if you took Manute Bol, shrunk him by a foot and then made him 33% skinnier.  And also you'd have to take away the 3-point shot because Manute was NAILS.





Previous:
Teams #68-60
Teams #59-53
Teams #52-47 
Teams #46-39 
Teams #38-34 
Teams #33-26

Saturday Night Live

So I'm sitting here at my parents house with the Bear watching both the Gopher hockey match and the playoff baseball.  My kids are asleep and I'm over here because the Mrs. has a fever of 101 so I had to get the kids out of that Outbreak environment.  We just housed some awesome chili that I made using no recipe and just using what I could find around my parents' house - and it was brililant.  Drinking a couple Coronoas sans lime, and I figured, what the hey, might as well try to find the ole mojo and live blog this bitch, amiright?

-  Scores update - Texas up 3-2 and threatening to blow the game open, Gophers also up 3-2 and I don't know if they're threatening to blow that one out because my understanding of hockey comes from NHL 95.

-  Scherzer walks Napoli on a 3-2 count which sucks because I have Napoli to strikeout in this game.  Scherzer is a dick.

-  Look at this douchebag right here.

-  I'm told the Gopher hockey team looks like they're much better this year and the reason is because they brought back Mike Gentzell, because without him all the coaches were nancy boy feelings coaches who told the players "don't worry, it's ok buddy, get 'em next time" when they screwed up.  But this Gensall guy is more of the Bud Kilmer type who will kick your ass if you're reading Slaughterhouse Five instead of your playbook, even if it's an awesome book.  So anyway the Gophers should be a tougher team this year which I suppose should mean they'll be better and also I have no idea what their record is.  Oh, and for the record, I've heard our hockey guy, Black Snake, hates that Gentzell guy.

-  Some mongolian looking lefty just served up a nice meatball to whoever the Murphy is who plays for Texas and it's now looking like I might have to watch hockey the rest of the night.  At least the Gophers are on the power play right now.  That's the only part of hockey that makes any sense to me - pass it around and get a good shot.  The rest of hockey is just a confusing blur.  Can we get that glowing puck thinger back?

-  GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

-  Pretty sure it was the Gophers.

-  Confirmed.

-  You ever do that thing where you switch the first letter/sound of a guys first name and last name that PA now does even though me, Snacks, 2P, and Bear invented in when we were growing up?  What's your favorite:  Bitch Recker or Fuck Chinley?

-  Delmon boots a routine groundball in left, then, even though the boot means the play at home is now not a possibility, he throws it completely over the cut-off man so Kinsler can get to second and take the double-play chance away.  Looked so familiar.

-  It's now 9-2.  I think I'm going to have to watch hockey.  And the Wild is on, and there's a game on the NHL network and then there's a late game on the NHL network.  This is my own personal hell.

-  Nice 'stache Holland.  He must have lost a bet.  That has to be it, right?  Nobody would voluntarily grow something like that, right?

Oh, hello Derek Holland.  I think your mustache looks smashing.

-  Oh, hello Fox Sports North Girls Paige and Jenny.  'Sup?  I have a Protege with a spoiler if you want to see it some time.

-  You know, I have no real problem with the Rangers as long as they aren't killing their own fans, but can we cut the crap with this "loosey goosey fun loving bunch" shit?  That's the same thing everybody would be saying about the Red Sox, but they didn't make the playoffs so instead they fire the best manager and GM they've ever had.  Enough already.

-  Beer isn't working, just impacting on the surface, switching to vodka.  That was a weird mix of a Top Gun quote and a Star Wars quote, but by the time I realized I was mixing them up, like poor Porkins, it was too late to pull out.

-  MAVIS BEACON reference!!

-  Story from the Bear, "So I have this bike, and I don't know what brand it is or whatever but the model name is the Sorrento.  So I took a piece of tape and wrote Paul on it and put it in front of the model name."  I don't know what's worse, that he's 34 years old or that I can't stop laughing.

-  Gopher power play coming up.  The most beautiful thing in all of hockey besides Paige and Jenny or whatever there names were.

-  GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

-  We've now found some shitty wrestling on the CW.  I cannot believe I used to watch this crap, even as a kid.  At least I had the decency to grow out of it.  If you are over 15 years old and you watch wrestling just go ahead and remove your own eyes with a bucket of acid.

-  Wrestling announcer guy just compared this wrestler guy to Deion Sanders.  Probably because he's black.  Yes we're still watching.  Missed a UMD goal in there somewhere but it's worth the tradeoff to me.

-  Ring of Honor camerawork is just terrible.  There's a lot of crazy shit happening outside the ring between the tag-team guys who aren't in the ring and we're missing all of it.  Looks like someone didn't get the script.

-  The team in the black pajamas beat the team in the purple booty shorts using the small package move after a kick in the junk - double entendres galore.

-  The ref is asking the winning team if they kicked the guy in the nards and they won't admit to it.  You know who would admit to it?  That kid from that commercial about basketball and sportsmanship who is all like, "It was out on me coach, it was the wrong call" and then goes to tell the ref he got it wrong.  There's no chance that ref wouldn't tell the kid to get the hell out of his face, right?

-  5-4 now Gophers, we missed another goal by the dirty Bulldogs.  ROH wrestling is officially bad luck.

-  Jesus Christ Delmon Young is the worst hitter in history.  So glad I bet on him to have more total bases than David/Daniel/Dale Murphy, who has two singles tonight.  I hate everything.

-  GOPHERS WIN!!!  GOPHERS WIN!!!!  Boner!!

-  The Wild might have just lost in OT.  TOO SOON TO TELL!  There were 8 people in the crease, the goal scored off a skate, and the goal was off it's posts.  If that counts as a goal I'm going to burn Canada to the ground - for inventing hockey, you see.  Actually I should probably do that anyway.  Plus their money looks weird.

-  Need Napoli to K here.  It's going to have to be looking because there is zero fucking way Brad Penny can put one past anybody.

-  Fucking hell.  I hate gambling.

- Text from Bogart:  "I ate a steak tonight that cost $129."  What a dick.  Outback is a special treat for me, and Black Snake usually eats squirrel or possum or whatever he can shoot out his backyard window.  And I think Dawger subsists on Ramen and veggie-burgers.

-  Just took Arizona State +18.5 so we have something to watch besides wrestling.  Will probably still watch wrestling.

-  Musberger just told us that some freshman for Oregon is nicknamed "The Black Mamba."  What the hell is that shit?  Kobe is the Black Mamba and everybody knows that.  You can't recycle the nickname of a guy who is still playing, especially when it's something unique like The Black Mamba instead of just initals like LT and LT.  Although I suppose this information is coming from the guy who actually said, "This is for all the Tostitos" while announcing the Fiesta Bowl, so I suppose it's exceedingly possible that he got his tip sheet for this game mixed up with one from the NBA Finals from a few years ago.  Likely, even.

-  I miss Leapin' Lenny Poffo.

-  World's Greatest QB Andrew Luck threw for 336 yds and 4 TDs today.  More importantly, did you know his nickname is The Black Mamba.

-  Nelson Cruz just hit another home run.  I'm impressed by his postseason, but not really impressed by that home run because he hit it off of Brad Penny, who once again did not strike Mike Napoli out, because he's freaking terrible.  I don't even think he could strike Austin Jackson out.  Also Buck and McCarver are the worst combo ever.  Of anything.

Yep, worse that this.  Which me, Snacks, The Egyptian, and assorted others drank one New Year's Eve 

when we ran out of booze.  Was a bad decision what the hell is going on with this spacing?

-  If Delmon can get a 2b here I can push my bet, anything more I can win it.  And the waste of talent hits a squibber in front of the mound.  I am terrible at everything.  Except cooking.

-  We've been flipping to Monday Night Raw (which doesn't make much sense tonight) for 20 minutes or so.  Still no wrestling.  The soap opera crap is a bit out of control, but apparently people watch this.  Sickos.  But I can tell you what, this guy in the ponytail isn't very happy.

-  Just found a live stream of the Hopkins/Dawson fight.  Also just threw down a cool $10 spot on Hopkins.  I'll bet on anything.

- Bernard Hopkins is 46 years old.  He also wears an executioner's hood into the ring.  I can't decide if these are good omens or bad.  Probably bad.  Also, on Raw, some weird dude in a nose guardy face mask thing like Willie Burton wore just ran in the ring and beat up some guy who was supposed to be fighting some fat black dude.  Then he put a paper bag on the dudes head after he beat him up.  This is the weirdest night ever.

-  ROUND 1 Summary:  Nobody did anything.  Dawson tried one rush but missed everything.  I score that round Hopkins 0, Dawson 0, not watching boxing 8 (and I love boxing).

-  ROUND 2 Summary:  What.  The.  Fuck.  So the match has been called a no-contest because Dawson kind of picked Hopkins up and then Hopkins either hurt his shoulder or pretended he hurt his shoulder and couldn't go on, so they called it.  Honest to god between this and the Mayweather fight I don't really know what to do with boxing.  I haven't watched in years, and now as I try to get back to it I get this garbage.  I give up.  Also on wrestling there were just two hot blonde broads fighting some asian chicks and then it cut to Keith Hernandez.  I told you this was the weirdest night ever.

I don't always watch wrestling, but when I do, I prefer broads.

-  Took Oregon -7.5 for the second half.  So if the Ducks win by between 12 and 17 we win double money.  Anything else and it's a minuscule loss.  Had to be done.

-  God Seth Meyers is awesome.

-  Argument:  I think Anna Faris is hotter than fire.  Bear thinks she's a "plain jane."  Discuss.

Oh.  Hi.

-  Oh for fuck's sake they ruled it a TKO for Dawson.  Boxing is so stupid and I lost more money.  I'm going to go throw myself off a bridge assuming someone can drive me to one.

-  Just flipped over to bull-riding.  You heard me.  The dudes riding the bulls are now wearing kevlar vests and goalie masks.  The last bastion of the true man is now dead.  The only real man left is Ron Swanson.

-  Just learned Bear is a big Jim Rome fan.  Seems like a good time to call it a night because I'm pretty sure I need to punch him in the nuts now.

-  Bear:  "I need some wrestling up in here."  So we switch to Raw or whatever, and we see some wrestler guy limping off into the locker room.  Wrestling and Boxing are completely interchangeable.  Sad.  Also the Miz is wrestling so this seems appropriate:

I taught the Miz about black people!

-  Bear requesting some popcorn chicken up in here.  And at the same time we discover the WWE is doing a battle royal.  I don't recognize any of these people, and there's some giant ginger dude who's wrecking shit, but I'm all in.

-And the big Ginger is elimnated!  This is the worst fucking thing I've ever watched and I've watched bull riding tonight.  Such a weird night.

-  Everyone was elminated within like 4 minutes.  Now it's just Miz and some dude.  And oh my god controversey!  The both went out at the same time oh my god kill me.

-  Middle on Oregon and Ariz state coming down to the wire.  very dramatic.  You're drunk.

-  Wide open ASU reciever for a tD. through his hands, right to a duck.  MIddled.  boom.  I can't type and neither can you and I just won money so eat it.

Trading Nothing for Nothing gets Nothing

Obviously the big news is that the Twins gave up on the world's largest Largemouth Bass, Delmon Young, and shipped him off to division rival Detroit.  I'm never a fan of trading someone when their value is at an all-time low, but I suppose when you combine lazy with malcontent and frustrating there's no guarantee that you're at the nadir no matter how much you feel like it must be.

On the other hand, the return for Delmon essentially equates to the proverbial bag of balls, and I'm just not sure that's the way to go, especially when you're trading a 26-year old who was once the top prospect in the game and finished 10th in MVP voting last year(no shtick) to a division rival.  There are about a million different ways this can backfire, but apparently the team has decided they would rather pursue signing both Cuddy and Kubel this offseason instead of getting any value out of trading Matt Garza.  Delmon was almost guaranteed to be criminally overpaid next year if they offered arbitration, so now instead we're looking at a likely overpaid Cuddy and Kubel.  I don't know.  Maybe that whole hometown discount thing might exist with these two.  Seems possible.

Anyway, I was going to break down Delmoney's stats and then talk about Cole Edina or whatever his name is that they got back, but it turns out I'm drunk and tired and really you're asking a lot here.  All you need to know is that you can't find Cole on any list of top prospects in the Tiger system anywhere, and they're a thin system.  I even found one that went to 40, and he's still not there.  So they almost literally gave him away.  Which, frankly, is pretty stupid.

The real problem for me though is I just have trouble caring.  I'm not really scared of Delmon.  I'm just not.  There's nothing about what I've seen from him in the last however many years that makes me think he's suddenly going to put it altogether.  Even the fact that he finished 10th in MVP balloting last year seems completely ludicrous to me.  He's never inspired confidence that he was putting it together, he just somehow had a good year.  To me he'll always be the swing at everything bumbling fielder he's always been.  Except for tonight, apparently, where he decided to hit a bomb off Liriano (like that's hard) and make a play in left that he's never made ever ever before.  So I just don't care.  I always trust Bill Smith and his eye for talent.

- Speaking of Bill Smith and his penchant for sucking at roster management, just how dreadful has Nishioka been?  Is there even one facet of his game that is remotely presentable right now?  He's like the fat girl with small boobs and a bitchy personality.  And the saddest part is that it was obvious to see.  If you aren't Ichiro or Hideki Matsui (and those were the two best players in Japanese history not named Oh) and you're coming over from Japan you're going to suck.  Kaz Matsui was terrible.  So Taguchi might have been worse.  Iwamura has been completely meh and Kosuke Fukudome is heading down the same path.  Remember Orestes Destrade?  He was a masher in Japan and was supposed to tip the balance of the league, and he was terrible.  Perhaps the biggest indictment on the Japanese League?  Guess who is tied for the single-season HR record in Japan and who holds the single season hit record?  Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes and Matt "Fucking" Murton.  Two dudes who were basically forced to retire from MLB because they sucked on a Tobertian level.

Yet the Twins paid billions of dollars to sign Yoshi.  Why, you may ask?  Because a .280 career hitter with minimal power suddenly had a career year by hitting .346 with minimal power - in a league where MATT MOTHERFUCKING MURTON hold a major hitting record.  Basically they signed the Brady Anderson of Japanese ball banking on him becoming J.J. Hardy when he has so far been worse than any single year Punto put up.  And at least Punto was an awesome fielder, while Nishi looks lost hitting, fielding, running, being in position, or knowing how many outs there are.  Honestly this team makes me want to quit baseball for life.  Where for art thou, Andy McPhail.  You never McPhailed in my heart.

-  Oh and the actual big news of the night is that Jim Thome hit his 600th home run, which is sadly a bit less holy shitty than it used to be.  He's still only the 8th guy to do so, and only the fifth to do it legally.  I don't want to get all caught up in the puritan steroid talk or anything, but there really is something refreshing about a dude like Thome.  I mean he's really not all that different from Matt Stairs, who I idolize.  He just did it more often and for longer.  Ok that isn't actually remotely true because for several years in the late 90s/early 00s Thome was a truly elite player.  In a way he's a compiler because he's been bombing them out for 21 seasons now, but it's not like he's been holding on like Pete Rose or Brett Favre or Al Pacino.  His OPS last season was actually the fourth best of his career.  The guy is basically completely bankrupt at running or fielding or not being old, but he can still crush the ball.  He's probably one of my ten favorite players of all-time, and if you remember this you just remember knowing it would be him.  Love the guy.  Congrats.

-  Moving on from the world's worst baseball team, let's talk about the world's best basketball team - the Minnesota Golden Gophers.  They're in another early season tournament, which is good, but this time they're the favorites with every single ESPN nerd picking them to win the Old Spice Classic.  And really you can't even argue with it.  They play DePaul in game 1, who is maybe the worst team in D-I history so suck it Krys Faber, and then in the semis they'd either see Texas Tech or Indiana State.  Unfortunately Tech just graduated everybody of relevance (from a bad team) and Indiana State is just pesky enough to possibly end up as a "bad loss" with no shot at becoming a "good win."  Then, if they make it to the championship game they'd either get Dayton, Wake, Ariz State, or Fairfeild, where Fairfield is probably the best choice but really nobody offers much upside.  It's a tournament where, no matter how well they do, they can't really win but could definitely lose.  Although based on this team's past I suppose third place could be considered upside.  Minnesota sports are awesome and  I love them.

-  Made some pretty awesome Teriyaki-Pineapple chicken drumsticks this weekend.  Need to use less Pineapple juice because it waters down the Teriyaki, but the sauce was stellar overall.  Try this:

1/3 c. Soy Sauce
1/3 c. Water (tempted to use Beef Broth here next time)
1/4 c. White Sugar
1 T Worchestershire Sauce
1 T White Vinegar
1 T Olive Oil
2 T Dried Onions
1 t garlic powder (could probably go a little more, maybe 2 t)
1/2 t ginger

Marinade Chicken overnight if possible, then dump the whole thing in a crock pot and cook on low for 5-6 hours. I used a full cup on pineapple juice but I'd cut down on that by at least half next time and probably add in some green pepper as well, but you're on your own here.  And even if you don't try this I can't stress more how awesome cooking chicken drumsticks (or wings) in a crockpot is.  They are like falling off the bones.  So awesome.

-  I lost 3 units this past week gambling on my baseball props.  Just the third losing week this season out of 13.  Still smarts. 

-  The best moment in this entire season of True Blood, outside of every Anna Paquin nude scene, was when Jessica killed Hoyt, and it might have been the best scene since season 1.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a hallucinatin/dream of Jessica's.  But what was awesome about it was that someone semi-meaningful died.  Hoyt isn't a top tier character and probably isn't even tier 2, but at least he's tier 3 and someone who has been around since Season 1.  Maybe I'm spoiled by Game of Thrones, the series and the books, but I like shit better when people who matter can/do die.  Season 1 of True Blood had both Grandma Stackhouse and Rene go down, and they were meaningful.  Since then has anybody of any import died?  You're telling me they couldn't kill of Tara or Andy Bellefleur?   It's just dumb now.  It's like watching Scooby Doo with boobs.

-   Finally, if you're looking for a Gopherhole type place for the Twins but less homery and dumb, dig on this site.  It's like talking Twins with the commenters on this blog, if only they were less retarded and weren't convinced Nick Blackburn was a star.  Big fan.

Manager of the Year

As sad and pathetic as it is there are actually psychopaths out there who truly believe Ron Gardenhire is a great manager.  Well to those of you who are out there I am sorry to tell you that a great big giant fist just ripped its way through the anus of your argument today, because Gardy started Ben Revere in right field tonight against the Red Sox.

Assuming you have heard of baseball you are no doubt aware that one of the main prerequisites for a right fielder is a good arm, owing to the fact that at times you'll have to make the throw from right field to third base - basically the longest throw in the game.  In fact I'd say the only prerequisite to playing right field is having a decent arm given the list of nearly immobile stiffs who've patrolled right in baseball history.  Instead tonight Gardy put Ben Revere out there, the player with one of the worst outfield arms in history and the guy who throws the ball in a way generally reserved for women, children, invalids, and Shannon Stewart.

And who was in left field, typically the outfield position given to the player with the worst arm?  Delmon Young.  Now, Delmon's arm will never be confused with Roberto Clemente or Carlos Gomez or that kid from that movie, but just watching the games you know his arm is far, far better than Revere's.  We can even go into nerd stats a bit to prove this, although full disclaimer:  I don't know how good these fielding stats are, but they're better than nothing.

According the the Arm Runs Above Average stat Delmon's arm has been that of a completely average outfielder this year, at 0.1 runs better than the average, and over his career his arm has actually been very good, mostly due to a couple of great throwing years in Tampa, including 2007 where he threw out an impressive 16 runners on the bases, all of which coming as a DUH DUH DUH right fielder. 

Revere's arm on the other hand has been 2 runs worse than average, meaning his arm alone has given teams 2 more runs than an average arm would so far this year, so you're looking that an arm that costs the team about 4 runs in a full season, and that's as a CF/LF (note:  he more than makes up for that with his range, but that's not what we're talking about).

So we have clear evidence, both quantitative as well as qualitative, that Revere has a terrible arm and much worse than Delmon Young.  So why would Revere play in right and Young in left?  I can think of two reasons, and neither is flattering for your favorite manager.

The first possibility is that Delmon Young said "I'm not comfortable playing Right Field" which doesn't make any sense because that was his main position when he was with Tampa.  It also doesn't make sense because when a player says "I don't want to do this" when it's something that clearly would help the team a good manager would say "Tough, do it or sit or be traded."  Since we've seen Gardy roll over like a frenchman in the past when it comes to letting the players run the team this is, unfortunately, a distinct possibility.

The other reason I can come up with is that Gardenhire is a moron.  You know how a lot of times in the past (and present) whenever he'd do the lineup if somebody was filling in for a regular he'd just put them in the same spot in the batting order?  So like, last year if Casilla was playing for Hudson he'd hit Casilla second even though it greatly weakened the lineup or Mike Redmond batted third a bunch of times when Mauer would sit?  I'm betting there is a good chance this is the same stupid crap.  Kubel would normally play RF but with a tough lefty on the mound he's sitting for Revere (who, by the way, is also left-handed and is hitting 73 points worse vs. lefties than Kubel this year).  So rather than do the smart, logical thing and shift Delmon to right and play Revere in left, he just plugs Revere into Kubel's outfield spot because apparently not only is shuffling a lineup similar to solving Fermat's Theorem, but changing around the outfield is akin to figuring out the alchemical fucking formula to turn lead into gold.

Honest to god.  So the two options are either the manager is incompetent and lazy, or spineless and stupid.  Manager of the Year though, and they can't take that away from him.  I looked it up.

- As long as I'm here I might as well tell you guys about the latest Danny Dan Gladdenism I heard on the radio, and no I have no idea why I've heard so much Twins radio this year, it's not like I'm a long haul trucker.  So about a week ago whoever the new announcer guy is brings up the Moneyball movie that's coming out.  Gladden says, and I'm paraphrasing here but the the same points remain, "Yeah I know about Moneyball, that book by Billy Beane.  I just don't think that kind of stuff works.  I'm not going to see that movie.  I didn't read the book and I'm not going to see the movie."

The book isn't by Beane, it's just about him, and he doesn't think "that kind of stuff" works but he never read the book and thus can't possibly know what it talks about other than "stats" which is not really the point of the book anyway.  Just a beautiful way to sum up Dan Gladden, and all of the staunchly "old school" guys who hate the idea that there are newer, more advanced stats that can help understand some parts of the game at a different level.  God I miss Fire Joe Morgan.

-  Lastly, take a look at these two rotations and tell me which you'd rather have.

Pitcher 1:   3.21 ERA, 1.19 WHIP, 3.75 K/BB
Pitcher 2:   4.71 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, 2.10 K/BB
Pitcher 3:   5.00 ERA, 1.48 WHIP, 1.47 K/BB
Pitcher 4:   4.58 ERA, 1.56 WHIP, 1.54 K/BB
Pitcher 5:   4.56 ERA, 1.44 WHIP, 2.23 K/BB

OR

Pitcher 1:   3.45 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, 2.40 K/BB
Pitcher 2:   3.56 ERA, 1.11 WHIP, 2.50 K/BB
Pitcher 3:   3.81 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 2.88 K/BB
Pitcher 4:   3.72 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 2.44 K/BB
Pitcher 5:   4.41 ERA, 1.42 WHIP, 2.34 K/BB

The first group is the current Twin rotation, the second group is Kyle Lohse, Matt Garza, Phil Humber, R.A. Dickey, and Livan Hernandez.  Isn't that the most saddest depressing thing you've ever heard?  Seriously if it wasn't for the tens of dollars I'm making from advertising on this site I'd burn it to the ground.  Through the computer or something.  I heard if you put a match in the USB port cool shit happens.

-  Lastly, and this time I mean lastly, I just want to mention that there is a already a sequel filming for the world's most awesome movie, and everything about it looks awesome.  From the name (Piranha 3dd) to the new additions to the cast (David Hasslehoff, the guy who plays Todd Packer on the office, and the incomparably insane Gary Busey) everything looks just right.  Usually sequels have a low % chance to be good, but the first one was so good as hitting everything you want in a creature/horror movie (hot chicks, boobs, gratuitous nudity, making the bad guy the true star, lots of killing, and creative deaths - second only to the Friday the 13ths here) that I totally trust them here and can't wait to see this.  Between this and Shark Night it's a banner year for killer fish movies.

What's a Gatoroid? (Movie Blog)

Seriously, what is a Gatoroid?  I have no idea, but it's about to battle a Mega Python in this movie I'm about to watch appropriately named "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid."  Bonus:  this one stars both Debbie Gibson, star of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Tiffany, star of Mega Piranha.  Oh joyful day!  Let's rock and roll.

-  One concern:  this movie was both written and directed by women.  Now don't get me wrong, I love the ladies - they really rev my engine, but should they really be involved in these kinds of movies?  These movies should be about bad science, bloody deaths, and gratuitous T & A, and women are only generally associated with bad science because their brains are smaller than men's.  I'm skeptical.  Plus I heard that their periods attract bears.

-  Oh, you probably want to know what was for dinner tonight.  Pork chops poached in a ketchup/worchestershire/chili powder/lemon/onion bath along with some spanish rice.  Nothing complicated, but very delicious.  Thanks for the recipe Grandma June.

-   We open - where else - in the Florida everglades, complete with swamp, fanboats, gators, snakes, cajun rednecks, and every other Florida cliche you can think of.  Great.

-  Apparently Debbie Gibson is the leader of a group that breaks into, what appears to be a cabin of some sort, and steals snakes from their cages.  If she really wants a snake I'd be happy to give her one.  It's in my pants.

-  Well they tripped an alarm but luckily she is such an incredible driver she was somehow able to maneuver her crappy jeep in a way that made the one cop car that responded to the alarm flip over and explode. 

-  Going back to Miz Writer and looking at her writing credits she's previously written Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (gonna have to rent this), #1 Cheerleader Camp, 18-year old Virgin, 2012 Doomsday, and Barely Legal.  I have no idea if those are any good, but the titles sound good.  Maybe we're going to be ok here.

-  So they took the snakes they stole and dumped them in the swamp.  No doubt that won't end up wrecking things.  By the way, guess who had Shackelford at both 12-1 to win and 5-1 to win, place, or show at the Preakness today?  If you could see me right now you would see that I'm doing a happy dance, waving my hands in the air while jumping from foot to foot.  It's pretty white, but it conveys my happiness well enough.

-  Debbie Gibson then will be playing the crazy animal lover, while Tiffany, who just showed up will be playing her arch enemy the sheriff with giant boobs.  Seriously, those things are massive.

-  God dammit some redneck cajun hippy just stole my "I'll show you a snake, it's in my pants" joke.  Assholes.

-  This redneck is played by Bob Vance.  Jarring.

-  Some 200 foot python or something ridiculous like that just killed the hell out of a big ole gator.  And Tiffani informs us that's the 72nd dead Gator, which means the pythons Debbie Gibson, who is supposed to be a scientist who cares about the environment and eco-system remember, released into the wild are now completely fucking up the swamp's ecosystem.  Nice, Debbie, nice.  So this is going to end up being animal lover touchy-feely chick with a great ass Debbie vs. shoot the animals and kill them don't fuck with my swamp chick with big boobs Tiffany.  Too close to call.  I just want to know when the gatoroid comes in.  And also what it is.

-  Tiffani's boyfriend runs over a snake in order to save Debbie who then gives me a big yelly speech about how these snakes shouldn't be killed because she "returned them back to their natural habitat where they belong."  But guess what?  Florida isn't a natural habitat for any pythons.  In fact, Florida is actually having problems with invasive python species wrecking the habitat right now.  Something Tiffany just mentioned.  So, in a bit of a surprise, this isn't an example of more poor science it's actually just that Debbie's character is super super dumb.  How odd.

-  Now one of the snakes just killed a people.  A people1!!!!!!!1  Damn you Debbie Gibson! [shaking fist].

-  Tiffany's plan to deal with the snakes is to issue snake hunting permits to a bunch of drunken cajun rednecks, including Bob Vance, with assault rifles.  What could possibly go wrong?

-  I'm not going to lie to you - this is the most boring movie ever.  We are 24 minutes in and we've had one person death which took less than 5 seconds.  Mainly it's been snakes killing dogs or gators or other various wildlife.  If I wanted to see that I'd just watch Nat Geo.

-  If you shoot a giant python egg does it explode in a shower of cascading blood?  According to this movie:  yes.

-  This assistant deputy in this movie looks just like my friend Leif, who looks just like Jesse McCartney.

-  Well hell.  The Snake just growled.  This is just like every single shark movie where the shark roars.  Why do shitty directors of shitty animal movies feel the need to add sound effects to the creatures?  They're menacing enough, and their silence is even part of it.  Did the shark roar in Jaws?  No, not until the fourth one, and everybody knows how shitty the fourth one was.  Freakin' morons.  I need to write one of these.

-  The snakes are at least killing people now, even if it's poorly CGI'd crap.  Even better, they decapitated a guy.  As in severed his head at the neck bone.  Constrictor snakes, which kill by - appropriately enough - by constricting their prey decapitated someone.  They could have the snakes grow arms and use a scimitar and it would be as realistic.  Not to mention that these snakes are suddenly showing a strong preference for human flesh which also makes just a ton of sense.  Seriously they're picking off these cajuns left and right.  Team Boobs is losing numbers rapidly.

-  This wine is terrible.

-  Here's what Debbie Gibson looks like now in case you were wondering

A better picture would be one from the back, but I can't find one so deal.

-  The snake went after Leif and Tiffany knifed it to death.  While knifing it a cell phone fell out of it's skin.  I don't get it either.  I'm just typing here, man, don't ask me to explain it.

-  I still don't understand what's going on with this "gatoroid" thing.  There's no gatoroid at all.  The only gators have been snake food so far.  They could have called this Mega Python and it would have been a much better name.  Or gone with "Two former teen pop stars who have been in Playboy looking for another check."  Or even "Tits vs. Ass."  Any of those would have been more accurate.

-  That is really not a regulation cop uniform Tiffany is wearing.  It looks like a sheriff outfit, but it's unbuttoned to the waist and she's got some low cut undershirt going on.  Not complaining, mind you, but it's definitely not regulation.

-  Team Ass is now installing cameras all throughout the everglades in order to watch everything Tiffany does and see if she "hurts their snakes."  Hopefully they make sure to get a camera in her shower.  "I think I'm alone now" indeed.

-  Here's Team Boobs' plan to deal with the snakes:  feed a bunch of super steroids to a bunch of gators to create super gators, or the titular "gatoroids", which of course will end up growing too big and too strong and turning on their creators.  I feel like the foresight of the characters in this flick is sorely lacking.  First Team Ass releases pythons into the wilds of the Florida Evergaldes in order to "return them to nature" not thinking through the consequences or releasing these top of the food chain predators into a new habitat that can't support them (come to think of it, there's not real Mega-Python here - but I'll guess it's coming).  Now they go with the classic "feed steroids to a gator" gambit, popularized by Ulysses S. Grant in aught eight, with no regard for the fact that even if it works and the gators kill all the pythons they still have a bunch of roided up gators to deal with.  This is what happens when you let women be in charge.

-  This picture comes up when you search for "steroids gator" in google:

I don't know who that is but it made me laugh.  Cheaters.

-  Tiffany's crying.  No I don't know what happened.  Stop asking stupid questions.

-  It's been one day and suddenly these gators are just monstrous.  One day.  And know we are getting a montage of gators growing, cells multiplying, snakes eating, other microscopic things happening that I'm guessing actually have nothing to do with what steroids would do to reptiles, and it's all set to the same song melody as "There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance."  I shit you not.  The summary here is that the gators are getting huge and aggressive because of the roids and the snakes are getting bigger and more aggressive because they are eating gator eggs that have been laid by roided out gators.  Again, it's been one day.

-  I stopped the movie for a minute to check in on the basketball game and now I'm wondering whatever happened to Josh Howard?  He was always a really underrated player until he became so underrated he was overrated, but he was always pretty good.  Let me look this up.  Ok, they traded him in a package of guys that netted them Brendan Haywood, Caron Butler, and DeShawn Stevenson.  And it looks like since he was traded he played 3 games for the Wizards in 2009-2010 and 18 games in 2010-2011 due to injury and massive pot usage.  Looks like Dallas dumped him at the right time even if the center piece of their return, Butler, has only played 56 games the last two years.

-  The everglades are now entirely populated with giant mega pythons and giant gatoroids, yet this crisis is being handled by a big-boobed washed up pop star ranger, my friend Leif, a female deputy who is like 100, Dr. Nick Rivera (or some other mexican doctor guy, but we'll go with Nick Rivera), and some hot chick.  Seems like they can handle this crisis.  And is there a really important fundraiser tonight?  They kind of fundraiser that will be highly attended?  Of course.

-  Giant gator just ate some chinese chick from team ass.  Probably gonna be hungry again in about an hour.

-  That was a terribly predictable joke.  But so's your face.

-  How the hell is there still an hour and 10 minutes of this left?  I'm probably going to have to kill myself.

-  This is totally going to shock you, but neither Tiffany nor Debbie is a very good actress.  Hard to believe I know.  Also hard to believe:  I'd totally have sex with either of them.  Sober.

-  Dr. Nick just saved Debbie from a 300-foot gator by picking her up in his helicopter which he apparently has.  He also saved her by grabbing her and flying away, leaving some jackass who was with her to get eaten by that gator.  I'd claim he was irresponsible and a bad doctor, but I would have done the same thing.  Easier to sleep with her that way.  Get her all emotionally vulnerable rather than having some cockblocking jackass in the helicopter with you and your target.  It's really pick-up artist 101.

-  I like how rednecks always have dynamite with them to blow a snake to bits even after they've been eaten by said snake.  Classic Hollywood.

-  Oh my god those boobs.  Oh my god.  Also I am pretty sure that one dude from the Monkeys just showed up in this movie.  With an actual monkey.  I can't decide if this is totally lame or totally awesomely self-aware.  Probably the first.

-  Guess what I just ordered from a used DVD broker?  Red Water, Shark Swarm, Grizzly Rage, Blue Demon, and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.  You're god damn right I did.  I can't wait to watch Red Water again.  Kristy Swanson?  Lou Diamond Phillips?  Coolio?  The only movie ever about a bull shark?  Fuck yeah.

-  And the fundraiser must go on.  Just like Jaws and every single giant creature movie since then.  So cliched.  I think the next one of these movies should be called Mega Shark vs. Giant Boobs.  Tiffany stars.

-  No, you have a one track mind.

-  Dr. Nick keeps finding and blowing up giant nests of giant gator eggs.  Once again, it's been one day.

-  They just referred to Dr. Nick as "that Indian doctor."  Now I feel racist.  More so than usual, I mean.

-  Naturally Debbie Gibson is invited to the big fundraiser.  Every time they show her from behind all I can think is I wonder if her father was a baker, because that's a nice set of buns.

-  If you're getting the impression that this movie was written basically as a showcase for Tiffany's boobs and Debbie's ass you're completely accurate.  And yes, I'm complaining.  I want the showcase to be giant animals killing people who are stupid with a side dish of T & A.  Not the main point to be T & A.

-  That's a lie.  I would be very happy if the whole point of the movie was T & A.  Just not Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  I mean, the nostalgia factor on these two is great, and although I applaud their efforts with my penis it's really kind of meh.  More killing please.

-  Oh my god I take it all back.  Debbie Gibson/Tiffany cat fight.  CAT FIGHT!  Wrestling.  Grabbing.  Groping.  Slapping.  Hair-pulling.  I need a minute.

- 

-  I bet they made out after that in one of their trailers.  Also this movie just lost all credibility.  And yes, going from a 1 to a 0 still means you lost all credibility.

-  Oh my god now their in the water and Debbie Gibson is wearing a white dress.  I feel like I'm 15 again.

-  Well apparently the snakes and gators have teamed up.  That makes total sense.  Jesus this is really stupid.

-  Every time Debbie Gibson throws a punch (yes, they're still fighting) she then has to pull up the top of her dress.  Seriously, Debbie, you already let those puppies free in a magazine, just do it again for this movie.  It's like the same thing.  Prude.

-  Debbie "I think we're alone now."  Tiffany "There doesn't seem to be anyone around."  No lie.  Credibility now -1.  I'm actually pretty pissed at this move.  Despite my love of Tiffany's boobs and Debbie's Ass and Tiffany's boobs this is really freaking stupid.  Instead of making a monster movie with former popstars this is a former popstars movie with a few creatures in it.  When did monster movies stop being about the monsters?  Fucking sell-outs.

-  Fun fact:  if you shoot a 60-foot gator in the mouth it immediately dies.  Less fun fact:  this movie makes me want to stab my brain with a rusty pitchfork.

-  Shocking shocker of shocking writing:  Tiffany and Debbie have now teamed up to kill the rogue monster reptiles.  In a telling moment of female behavior everywhere, neither has apologized or even acknowledged their role in this mess.  Next thing you know they'll be blaming the men and then telling them to take out the trash.  Is this post misogynistic enough for you?  Jesus I feel like

-  If you could switch lives with anyone in the world, how many people would you pick over Justin Timberlake?  Can't be many.  And, understanding the whole natural draw of sports to the readers of this blog, what about non-sports people?  He has to be #1.  Handsome, talented, funny, hot, incredible dancer, great singer, sexy as hell, adorable, charismatic, and just the kind of guy who even though you know he's humping everything in town you still want him to date your daughter.  Just perfect.

-  Oh my god there's a movie coming out with Timberlake and Mila Kunis.  World's most perfect couple and my dream threesome (not counting Evan Longoria).  And yes, to answer your question we are watching Saturday Night Live now.  Thanks for asking.

-  Well, I got a boner.

-  Well now the girls (Tiff and Debbie) won't stop talking.  First realistic thing in this whole movie.

-  The gators and snakes, by the way, have now moved into the city and are migrating to Miami according to Dr. Nick.  Why are they on their way to Miami?  I don't have a clue.  Either they didn't explain it or I wasn't paying attention.  Maybe both.  Also I should mention that all the reptiles are now the size of a house due to the steroids in their systems.  It's been one day.

-  Too bad Bonds didn't take this brand of steroid.  His whole body would swell up like Ken Griffey Jr.'s head after too much of Burns's nerve tonic.

-  The aurora borealis?  At this time of year?  At this time of day?  In this part of the country?  Localized entirely in your kitchen?

-  Snake just ate the Goodyear blimp.  So yeah.  That should do it.

-  New plan.  Use "pheremones - first we've heard of these - to lure the reptiles all to "the quarry" and then blow them up with dynamite.  God this movie is stupid.  And now these broads are screaming because soem old lady deputy became snake lunch.  And they're shrill and hurty.  I thought they were singers.  Shouldn't their screams not make my head break?

-  They have a grand total of 3 bundles of dynamite.  I'm no demolitions expert, but it seems to me that you'd want more to blow up a whole shit ton of snakes and gators that are now the size of Rhode Island. 

-  So in the Everglades snakes and gators are natural enemies who can't stop killing each other.  In the city, however, they're buddies who team up to eat buildings.  This movie can go to hell.

-  I just remembered I have beef jerky in the kitchen.  Score!

-  Commercial just came on for adamandeve.com.  I just want to warn you that if you ever order anything from them be prepared to get like three emails and a day every day for the rest of your life.  And if you aren't familiar with them you probably shouldn't go visit that site from your work computer.  Or go ahead and do it, I don't really care.

-  Debbie was just putting dynamite in the cave with the gator eggs when they began to hatch.  Then the mommy gator came in through the front door so she's trapped between the mom and the kids with no where to go and a with only a handgun to protect her.  She managed to not get eaten though by hiding behind a rock.  Go to hell, movie.

-  Serious question:  what do you think Delmon Young's IQ is?  Like, I think both Denard Span and Alexi Casilla are stupid ballplayers, but they don't strike me as guys who would be particularly dumb in real life.  Delmon, on the other hand?  90 tops, but it wouldn't shock me if he came in slightly under 80.

-  Tiffany just blew up that gator that was menacing Debbie by turning her car into a rolling molotav cocktail and jumping out as it got to the gator and then the car exploded as soon as it touched the gator for some reason.  I don't know.  I don't ask questions.  On a related note, Tiffany is wearing black underwear.

-  Wow, Tiffany got eaten by a gator.  Definitely didn't see that coming.

-  Dr. Nick and Ms. Gibson blew up all the animals.  Well, except for the one snake that just ate the crap out of Debbie Gibson.  So I guess Dr. Nick is the hero here.  Just like most Simpsons episodes, whether he appears in them or not.

-  Movie over.  Here's what I learned:  Tiffany has ridiculous boobs, snakes and gators are natural enemies in the swamp but friends in the city, SyFy is getting even worse with the movies they're churning out, and I'm a complete idiot for watching this crap.

Then again, who's dumber:  me for watching, or you for actually reading this?

I'm a terrible blogger

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Who sucks, why, and what can we expect? (hitters edition)

There's a lot of things wrong with the Twins' offense so far, clearly, and since I'm prone to overreaction I'm basically in full on panic mode.  Ok, not really.  But the Twins have definitely sucked.  Perhaps we should look into this.

Let me warn you right here:  if you think discussions about swing rates and ground ball ratios are boring you should just check out now because we're going to dig into this on a player-by-player basis.  If K-rate, chase percentage, and BABIP are things you either don't understand, are scared of, or just plain hate you should leave at just go look at boobies.  Now for the rest of you poindexters who stuck around, let's get out our abaci and our protractors and hunker down in mom's basement and see what we see.  All stats as of April 12, pre-game time.  All nerd stats from fangraphs.



Joe Mauer (.233/.303/.267) - No real secret here, but his numbers are low because his Batting Average on Balls in Play (BABIP) is low, but that's because he's hitting almost exclusively ground balls so far this year.  His 80% ground ball rate is the highest in all of baseball, while his 4.0% line drive rate puts him at 209th out of 213 players who qualify for the batting title.

His swing rates, contact rates, and walk rates are generally around his career averages so it doesn't appear anything has changed as far as his approach, which is good, but there is one interesting anomaly.  Of the pitches thrown to him so far this year, 14.8% of them have been curveballs which is almost double what he's seen in his career, and that's the pitch he has the most trouble with according to the numbers (other than a cutter which you don't see as often).  Could just be a weird blip due to early season pitching match-ups, but could be the league has identified something.  It's probably meaningless, but it's worth watching.

Justin Morneau (.258/.303/.355) - Interesting to note that he's not hitting with power (his current ISO - which measures power without regard to batting average - would be bar far the lowest of his career) and he's also not striking out at all - just  once this year with one of the lowest K% in the entire league.  He's also not walking at anywhere near his usual pace.  This can be traced to the fact that he's making contact nearly every time he swings the bat - currently at 87.5% contact rate, a career high and 10% higher than his career average.

The real issue, though, is how often he's making contact when he chases - 85.0%, up from 68.1% last year.  He's seeing fewer pitches in the zone, and although he is chasing less than last year when he does chase he's making contact far more often, and unless you're Kirby Puckett, Yogi Berra, or Vlad Guerrero it's much harder to make solid contact when you're going after a bad pitch.  I haven't noticed if he's taking weaker swings at bad pitches simply to make contact, but it's something I'll be watching.  I suspect he just needs to get back to unleashing on every swing - his misses will go up, but so will his power and his walks.  That's what the Twins need.  Assuming his brain is working ok and will allow that to happen.

Delmon Young (.188/.212/.219) - Similar to Mauer he's not getting any hits because he's not hitting any line drives, just 8.0% so far.  Dissimilar to Mauer his balls in play aren't limited to grounders because he's hitting both fly balls and ground balls, but none of the GBs are getting through and none of the FBs are going anywhere, thus the lack of both hits and power.  Despite his swing and contact rates remaining relatively similar to last year he's actually striking out more and walking less, which I didn't think was possible.  Of note is that out of every five pitches Young sees only two of them are in the strike zone.  Pitchers know he'll chase so they aren't giving him anything to hit.  If his approach doesn't change it's going to be a tough year.

Denard Span (.286/.342/.400) - maybe the only player on the entire roster who hasn't been an offensive disappointment.  Worth noting is that is walk rate is just 7.9%, down from last year which was down from the year prior and down from the year prior.  Bizarrely, as the years have gone by he seems to be seeing more pitches in the strike zone, but swinging at fewer strikes and more balls with his swing % at balls outside the zone at a career high.  His numbers have the potential to get even better if he can recapture some of his plate patience he showed earlier in his career because the balls he does hit he's hitting much better and much harder.  Perhaps that's what he needs to break through the "slightly above average lead-off hitter" he's been for his career.  Also needed:  less getting picked off.

Danny Valencia (.194/.265/.290) -  Nothing in Valencia's numbers suggests any kind of regression from last year.  His swing and contact rates are similar and if anything he's showing improved plate patience.  His line drive, ground ball, and fly ball rates are also all right where you'd expect.  The only big difference is a huge drop in BABIP from .345 last year to .200 this year.  While .345 means he was a little bit lucky last year, the .200 (with the rest of the numbers basically the same) means he's been tremendously unlucky this year.  No worries about Valencia, he's going to be fine. 

Jason Kubel (.300/.323/.367) -  The .300 average looks nice but there are some pretty big red flags here.  First, his BABIP is .391 even though his line drive rate is currently at a career low mark of 17.4% - that's a whole lot of luck coming into play.  Second, the complete lack of power is disturbing, as are the zero walks.

Two things Kubel has always been able to bring to the table, even when struggling, are his power and his plate patience and now they're both gone?  His double tonight is just his third this year and he's still looking for that first home run.  Based on his career averages he should have triple the XBH by now.  And the walks?  He's been solidly right at a 10% or so walk rate his whole career, and now nothing?  He's being extra aggressive for some reason this year with rises in his swing rates at both balls in the zone and out of it and it's translating into no walks.  I don't know why he's suddenly trying to become Delmon Young, but this shit better stop or I'm burning my Kubel shirt.  Don't change who you are when it's (at least sort of) working.

Mike Cuddyer (.107/.194/.107) -  He's 3-3 tonight with three singles so that will help the average number at least.  That's not all that concerning because with a BABIP of just .136 you know his average is going to come up significantly, but I'm not so sure what's going on with the slap hitting nancy routine.  His contact rates are mostly similar, so it's not that he's changed his approach, but for some reason he's swinging about 7% less on balls in the strike zone, and making contact about 2% less that usual.  It's almost as if while Kubel is getting more aggressive and getting away from his strength, Cuddyer is trying to be more patient which goes away from his.

Similar to Mauer, he's seen a huge increase in curve balls so far this year (from 8.2% career average to 16.2% this year) which leads me to believe this whole curve ball thing is nothing more than statistical noise due to seeing a higher percentage than average of curve ball pitchers so far, but it's worth noting that, again similar to Mauer, Cuddy always struggles against curves, so maybe things turn around when pitch mixes return to more standard levels.

The one impressive thing about his season is no matter how shitty it is, Cuddy has managed to keep his streak of being quoted in every single Twins article ever since he arrived in the big leagues intact.  Seriously, every article.  Guy's a bigger media whore than Chuck Sheen.

Jim Thome (.167/.250/.444) -  It doesn't really matter to me what the numbers would say about Thome, I'm not going to worry about him unless I start seeing signs of aging, like not being able to catch up to a fastball or not being able to sustain an erection.  At this point his 9.1% line drive rate and 63.5% fly ball rate are both really awful numbers and are leading to his piss poor BABIP of .200.  He's not punishing fast balls the way he usually does, but really right now he's not punishing anything (except that pitch from poor Jerry Blevins) so we really don't have enough data.  Kept a sharp eye on which pitches Thome is hitting hard to know what to expect the rest of the year, like the 80 mph change he just hit off Tim Collins for a single, that's the kind of pitch an old man who can't catch up to a fastball will crush.  Not saying that's him, but it's something to watch.

Alexi Casilla (.167/.211/.278) -  His BABIP is just .200, which would make you think his performance is bound to get better just due to luck, but he doesn't walk (ever), he has no power (ever), and, get ready for this one.....he hasn't hit a single line drive all year.  Basically all he does is bound the ball into the ground and hope to god he finds a hole (not dissimilar to Chuck Sheen) or hits the ball so shittily he can use his alleged speed to get on base.  I guess.  I don't know.  I don't even get this guy.  I think I'd rather have Punto back.  Or Denny Hocking.  Or Jeff Reboulet.  At least he had a mustache.  I'm tired and drunk.


And that's the end. I think what we can really take out of this is that this team sucks.  Or, this team has seen a lot of curveballs and they can't hit them.  Of the starters they've faced Ivan Nova, A.J. Burnett, Gio Gonzalez, Brett Anderson, and Brandon McCarthy are all big curve guys, with Burnett, Gonzalez, and McCarthy among the league leaders in % of pitches thrown that are curves.  I'm not sure what that means.  Probably something.

Twins Season Wrap: 10 Roster Questions for Next Year

With the season officially in the crapper and my heart broken clean in two, I thought I'd look at some of the pressing offseason roster questions that Bill Smith and the Twins' front office are going to have to deal with, and then never speak of the Twisn again.  There are a lot of things that are going to change, which makes this year's defeat all the more soul crushing - the team was setup to win this year, and they failed.  Failed hard.  

1.  Will Morneau be back?  Hard to believe a simple knee to the head could end someone's career, but the fact that he missed the last three months of the season and still can't string together more than a few days without a relapse/dizzy spell who the hell knows what could happen.  I won't bother to just wildly speculate since I don't have any knowledge of it or any kind of medical background except what I learned on Scrubs, but as unfathomable as it seems that he might not be around next year, did you think there was even a slight chance he'd miss the rest of the season?

2.  How high will the payroll go?  Right now the Twins have seven players under contract for next year, but those seven (Mauer, Morneau, Nathan, Cuddyer, Baker, Span, and Blackburn) total $68 million in payroll.  Most other current Twins are arbitration eligible and most will get raises, so the Twins will have to make some hard decisions about who to keep and who to let go.  And wherever they let players go, I'd guess they try to plug those holes from within.  Will that mean Alexi Casilla as a full-time starter and Anthony Swarzak in the rotation?  I hope not, but it wouldn't surprise me.

3.  Jason Kubel's option?  Kubel had an off year this season, at least compared to the prior year, and has a team option remaining that the Twins can pick up which would pay him $5.25 million (or they can buy him out for $350k).  I hate having two defensive butchers at the corner outfield positions with him and Delmon, and Kubel is certainly more suited to a DH role, so his true value depends on whether Thome comes back.  Which, brings us to....

4.  Will Thome return on the cheap?  Jim Thome was only signed this year because he was willing to take a very cheap $1.5 million to come play part time.  With Morneau's injury and subsequent position shifting of everyone, his value skyrocketed and he more than proved himself worth every penny.  If Morneau comes back, Thome goes back to his part-time role.  Would he be willing to do it again, or at this point does he want to be full-time player again?

5. What's going to happen with Delmon Young?  Delmon is arbitration eligible and made $2.6 million last year, but coming off the year he had, including surpassing magic numbers of 20 HRs and 100 RBI, he's going to get a healthy raise if they go to arbitration.  If his agent is worth his shit, however, they'll be pushing for a long-term contract, and the question is if the Twins will go for it.  Nick Markakis of the Orioles had a similar year in 2008 and ended up signing a 6-year, $66 million deal.  Are you ready to pay Delmon $11 per year?  

6.  How is the bullpen going to shake out?  Joe Nathan is the only bullpen guy with a guaranteed contract for next season, so this is where a lot of choices are going to have to be made.  Fuentes is a free agent and will be gone, but everybody else is a question mark.  Matt Guerrier, Jessie Crain, and Jon Rauch are all free agents and Matt Capps is arbitration eligible and will get a significant raise from the $3.5 million he made this year if he's offered.  With the payroll already where it is, they probably won't be bringing everybody back, and I'd be pretty shocked if Rauch is a Twin next season.

7.  How will the middle infield look next year?  Orlando Hudson is a free agent, and I'd be pretty shocked if they brought him back, while J.J. Hardy, Alexi Casilla, and Matt Tolbert are all arbitration eligible.  Hardy made $5.1 million this year, and even if he doesn't get a raise that is still a pretty high number for medium production, but the alternatives make me want to kill myself.  Unless they decide to try to pay for Juan Uribe, a free agent from the Giants next year, Hardy is pretty much the only viable option.  And if they start next year with Punto as their starting SS, we might as well just give the season up for dead.  Speaking of......

8.  They can't possibly pick up Nick Punto's option, right?  The choices are to either agree to pay him $5 million next year (Five.  Freaking.  Million) or buy him out for $500k.  Putting aside how terrible that contract was, I know they are in love with him over at Target Field but even they have to realize that $5MM is a ridiculous number for a good fielding utility man, right?  Their best bet would be to buy him out, then offer him a contract for a year in the $500k - $1 million range to be their back up, although they should probably just pay him the minimum since he's essentially stolen over $13 million from the Twins the last few years. 

9.  Will the 'stache be back?  This might be the toughest decision to make, since Carl Pavano was brilliant all year and carried the team at times.  Of course, pitchers who are brilliant and carry their team generally make a lot of money.  He made $7 million this year, and, unless the Twins move quickly, will hit the open market, and who knows who is going to offer him what and for how long.  One advantage is that there is no way the Yankees will be after him since he burned them once before, but there are plenty of other teams who have money and need pitching.  Whatever the cost, I would be nervous giving Pavano anything more than a 2-year deal, but if you want to keep him you might have to, and don't be shocked if he makes $10+ million per year with a new deal.

10.  Pavano or no, what about the rest of the rotation?  Baker is pretty much stuck since he's got a contract ($5 million next year) as is Blackburn ($3 million), Brian Duensing is still under team control, so he'll be here, and Francisco Liriano will be back as well, whether it's through arbitration or if they decide to sign him longer term.  Slowey is also still under arbitration, so I'd expect him to be back as well.  None of the in-house options are very attractive at this point, unless Kyle Gibson has just an amazing spring, so I'd expect the rotation to look pretty similar to start the year, with those five above the guys they go with if they don't end up signing Pavano.  There will probably be a few other scraps on the open market, because they'll have no shot at Cliff Lee, but I wouldn't expect the Twins to go after anybody unless they think they can get a steal on a veteran they think is undervalued (like Pavano was).  I wouldn't be shocked to see Javier Vazquez as a Twin next year, although if I was to bet on it I'd guess next year's rotation would be Liriano, Duensing, Baker, Slowey, and Blackbun.  Doesn't that just get you fired up? 


Well, there you have it.  It will be interesting to see what they end up doing in a variety of areas, and to see the results.  Worst case, the team takes a nosedive and sucks.  Best case, another division title and they get swept out of the first round of the playoffs.  Either way, it guarantees a season ending in frustration.  Thank god college hoops isn't too far away, because Gopher basketball is never frustrating.

Catchers and pitchers report in 19 weeks.

Six Very Important Things this Morning 7.27.10

Hi folks.  I just finished up an absolutely terrific meal I prepared myself (Grilled Marlin Steaks in a garlic lemon butter sauce) and as such I'm feeling pretty good so it's time to roll out an idea I've been kicking around for a while:  Daily morning posts.

Usually during the week when something interesting happens but I don't feel it warrants an entire post, I just file it away to use for the Week in Review post on Monday, but that's irritating at times and a lot slips through the cracks, so from now if I'm not writing something about something more important like Twins' talk, Gopher hoops, or crappy SyFy movies, I'll try to put together a linksy/newsy like a respectable blogger for posting in the morning so you'll have something to do while you try to wake up at work.

Now, they will be shorter than the Week in Review posts (thank god is what you're saying), and I'm not guaranteeing this every morning, but I'm going to try to keep this going until I get bored.  Also keep in mind that I go to bed around 11, so it's not going to be often that any West Coast games are going to be highlighted here.

Let's see how this goes.  Without further ado, your first ever "Six Things":

1.  Danny Valencia is sick of my calling him a nancy-boy slap hitter.  Well, he didn't actually say that, but he said it with his bat, going 4-4 with his first career home run.  He wasn't the only star for the Twins, with Delmon also chipping in with yet another 4-hit game and Joe Mauer going 5-5 with a home run and 7 RBI, all on their way to 19 runs on 20 hits, giving them 29 runs and 39 hits over he last two games.  Lost in all this is the fact that Liriano tossed an easy breezy seven innings of 3 hit, no run ball for the win, and would have had a shot at a shut out (just 83 pitches) if the game wasn't such a massacre.  The Twinkies have an easy schedule the rest of the way, and Detroit is falling apart at the seems, so this thing is right there for them if they want it.  And then we can once again enjoy the yearly ritual known as "getting swept out of the playoffs."  It's a magical time.

2.  Al Jefferson hates Toyotas, T-Wolves.   Ok, he had some nice things to say about Minnesota, but it's pretty clear he's not sad to be gone.  I'm curious how he's going to fit in since Deron Williams is a pick-and-roll PG and he's not a pick-and-roll PF, but whatever.  And Actually calling the T-Wolves a Toyota might be a compliment.  I'd have been more specific, like calling them a '84 Toyota Tercel that for some reason has three semi-expensive steering wheels.

3.  Matt Garza is feeling the heat from Delmon Young.  Just when it was seeming like the balance of the Delmon/Garza trade might be swinging in the Twins favor, Matt Garza goes out and tosses a no-hitter, and damn near a perfect game with just a single blemish in the form of a walk to Brennan Boesch.  Nice little outing.  He's still no Delmon, but I'd say he's significantly better than Jason Pridie.

4.  Matt Wieters is back.  This week Snake and I were forced to bring Matt Wieters back aboard our fantasy team due to Miguel Olivo suddenly finding himself in a platoon with the hottest prospect of 2005, Chris Iannetta.  We figured we'd give him one more week before cutting him for good, but that's probably not going to happen after he went deep twice last night against Toronto, increasing his season HR total by a whopping 33%.  Bad news:  They still lost because they're Baltimore.  Good news:  My autographed Matt Wieters ball just increased in value by 18%.

5.  The Wolves continue to get weirder.  This time the Kahner traded one of his three steering wheels (Ramon Sessions), last year's occasionally starting center (Ryan Hollins) and a second round pick for noted Lebron-mom banger Delonte West and second-time's the charm Sebastien Telfair, whose NBA career is clearly working out exactly according to plan.  Except of course that neither of these guys will play a game, because West can be waived before August 5th, which would cost just $500k (compared to his $4.6 million salary) and Telfair will be re-traded or bought out as well.  Let me tell you, there's nothing more satisfying for a fan than a trade which saves the team money but brings in no talent.  This must mean cheaper beer next season, right?

6.  Dez Bryant is probably going to steal Halle Berry too.  The big news out of Cowboy Camp is that Dez Bryant refused to carry Roy Williams' pads after practice, as is customary at Dallas Training Camp, and everybody is all in a huff.  I get that, there is something to be said for tradition, even if it's stupid and retarded, but this just smacks a little too much of a Darnell Jefferson/Ray Griffen situation if you ask me.  The brash young rookie (Jefferson/Bryant) comes to the team (Dallas/ESU) with designs on stealing the underperforming incumbent starter's (Williams/Griffen) job.  I think we know how this ends:  Williams throws a crushing block to spring Dez for a key touchdown, helping a fresh-from-rehab led Tony Romo and the Cowboys to a Super Bowl victory while Demarcus Ware listens from a hospital room, tears running down his cheeks because he knows his career is over.


So there we are.  The first ever 6 things.  Hopefully it won't be the last, but I make no promises.  I can be legendarily lazy, and get bored and distracted quic