Week in Review - 11/7/2011

Missouri to the SEC?  West Virginia to the Big 12?  I think I'm officially old or maybe just completely sick of all the moving because what was once kind of exciting and neato is now annoying and I just want it to go away, not unlike my kids.  Whatever.  I am just confused as to why the hell the SEC would want Missouri.  Makes little sense to me.  I get the WVU and Big 12 merger - the B12 needs to grab whoever they can (academics be damned, apparently) and WVU is a good program stuck in a suddenly dying conference after the Cuse and Pitt defections and needs to find more stable ground.  Makes sense for everyone.  But Missouri to the SEC?  I'm not even sure I get it for Missouri.  You're going to sell midwest kids by telling them they their parents can come see them play if they fly all the way to the SE USA?  I don't know.  But I know I don't know and I'm dumb about this stuff so whatever let's move on.  


WHO WAS AWESOME:

1.  MarQueis Gray.  By some kind of weird accident I ended up watching most of the Gopher football game, and I have to say Gray impressed the crap out of me and looked like a whole new player (NOTE:  we're throwing out the 4th quarter which was mostly just bad decisions and passes that made it 85% of the way to their target all wrapped up with a final pass that was 25 yards from any Gopher).  I saw him look to a second read instead of just tucking and running, and I even saw him go to a third read at one point.  And some of those throws my god who was that?  His third TD to McKnight (the one in the 3rd quarter) was an absolutely beautiful throw, and he had one on the final drive where the threaded the needle quite nicely as well.  I don't know, I've been convinced Gray had no real future as a QB, but suddenly I'm not so sure.  Of course I don't mean a real QB here, obviously, I mean a college QB.  Also I think you're racist.

2.  Michigan Wolverines.  Not the football team (although we'll get there), but the basketball team, specifically recruiting-wise, because they just secured a commitment from 2012 power forward Mitch McGary, who is basically worshiped by anybody and everybody who follows high school hoops (side bar:  can you believe worshiped only has one 'p'?  Weird.).  McGary is listed as either a power forward or a center depending on who you ask, but, since John Beilein was after him you know damn well he has perimeter skills, but unlike a guy like Pittsnoggle or those white nerds on Michigan right now, McGary has the inside game to go with it.  Really, I mean the guy is #2 overall in the class according to both ESPN and Scout and is #3 according to Rivals - this is a really really huge deal for the Wolverines and actually the Big 10 overall.  I mean, Michigan's top competition for McGary was Duke, and the other competition was Kentucky, Florida, and North Carolina.  Just a ridiculous get.  Take notes, Tubby.  Beilein has Michigan on their way (also has commits from the #34 and #79 recruits in that same class) and they're positioned to be a national contender soon.  Started in the same year as Tubby.  Just sayin'


3.  Trent Richardson.  Ok so this one might seem kind of weird because his stat line isn't all that good and he pretty much did nothing in the second half vs. LSU, but I thought this guy was kind of slow and probably going to be a flop in the NFL.  After watching the game saturday night I am fully revising that prediction to future stud.  Yeah, he's big and strong, which probably meant he'd be at least a decent NFL rusher, but he caught a couple of passes in the flat against LSU where he made a whole mess of people miss him with a little juke here and a little juke there - and LSU is an excellent defensive team.  It wasn't pretty or shifty like Barry Sanders or LeSean McCoy, but it was certainly quick enough to be effective.  Combine that with his power and he's going to be a major contributor at some point for some NFL team.  I don't know, maybe like a faster Brandon Jacobs who can catch.  Something like that but better.

4.  DeMarco Murray.  I like that Murray comes right after Richardson because I can never remember who played/plays for Alabama and who played/plays for Oklahoma.  But anyway I think it's pretty clear at this point that Murray is the goods.  After his debut as a starter, where he ran for 253 yards, you could probably talk yourself into thinking that was some kind of fluke.  Then last week he rushed for 74 yards, but did it on only 8 carries because of how the game was going.  This week he once again impressed, going for 139 rushing and another 47 receiving and just generally looking like a stud.  He's fast (enough), strong (enough), and very shifty, not to mention being a great receiver - at least according to his scouting report coming out of college.  I haven't been this impressed with a young back since LeSean McCoy.  Of course, I now have McCoy, Murray, and Ray Rice on my keeper team and we only start two RBs, so I should probably figure out something to do with all that.

5.  Green Bay Packers.  God damn it.  These fuckers are going to go undefeated, aren't they?  And I'm going to have to sit here and choke on it.  After beating San Diego, which should have been a completely losable game, they are now 8-0.  Looking at the schedule there are three games they can't possibly lose (vs. Oakland, vs. Minnesota, vs. Chicago) and another one that is essentially unlosable but because it's on the road I can't quite call it that (@ Kansas City).  So that's a guaranteed 12 wins.  Two of the other four games they'll be a pretty good sized favorite, maybe around a TD or so (vs. Detroit, vs. Tampa), and one other (@ New York Giants) they'll be probably around a 3 point favorite.  The only game where they might be an underdog is @ Detroit on Thanksgiving, and god help us all if Stafford can't pull that one out because I'm pretty sure I can't survive in a world where the Packers go undefeated and win another Super Bowl.  Seriously my hatred for Green Bay makes my hatred for the Badgers look like my hatred for chicken wings which is weird because I don't care about the NFL all that much.  I think if the Packers were a college I'd probably go all Charles Whitman on it. 


WHO SUCKED

1.  Alabama Kickers.  What the mother hell was that?  Four missed field goals in the biggest game of the year and probably your career?  Just brutal.  Although I guess asking college kickers to make field goals of 40-50 yards is pretty ridiculous, so it's not like the Tide was exactly putting their dudes in positions to succeed.  I don't know, the whole thing was just ugly and ridiculous and kind of funny.  I was actually looking forward to them trotting out the kicker each time they went for a field goal.  And seriously, bringing that dude out for a 52 yarder in OT when he'd already missed two on the night?  Nobody, and I mean nobody, thought that one was going to go through.  Kickers, lol.  Probably should just amend the rule book to get rid of field goals in college, Chip Lohmiller be damned.

2.  Denard Robinson.  And this is why, no matter how successful your run first QB is in college (and Robinson has already been benched this year so there's that) you can never feel comfortable with a dude who can't really throw.  Michigan, down by 8, ball on the 3, first down, 30 seconds or something left.  First play - some kind of mini-up-and-out on the outside - receiver marginally open - Robinson throws it completely out of bounds.  Second down - floater in the middle of nowhere, throw without really even looking at the defense - still almost caught but receiver was out-of-bounds.  Much like the pizza at Donatelli's.  Third down - little scramble play - throw comes up short - actually probably should have been caught.  But I've typed too much to turn back.  Fourth Down - hike and throw timing play with no options which is actually really stupid because if you have a dude like Denard you want there to be a lot of options and this play has zero.  This should probably be ripping on whoever the Michigan coach is.  But 1.  I don't know who that is and 2. I'm drunk on Saturday night whilst typing this and I don't feel like doing whatever. 

3.  Philip Rivers.  He always puts up monster numbers, like his 385 yards and 4 TDs against Green Bay on Sunday, but he's just a train wreck of inconsistency, as his 3 picks with two brought back for Packer touchdowns attests too.  He's not like Romo, who will always choke in a big game, but he's just all over the place and will always make just as many terrible throws/decisions as he does good ones. Seriously, he throws interceptions in the playoffs/big games like that's his actual job, he just masks it by also throwing for a couple TDs and 350+ yards so nobody really notices.  Seriously, if you had to pick a "good" QB to start a game that he had to win or you would die Rivers would be the second worst guy you could pick, behind Romo of course.  Because he's a big time choker.  Like that dude from Kung Fu or Albert DeSalvo (supposedly). 

I have nothing to add.  I just like this picture.

4.  West Virginia.  The Mountaineers lost their exhibition game versus d-2 Northern Kentucky on Saturday, which doesn't necessarily mean disaster for the season but it's kind of hard to think of this as a good sign.  No, they weren't the only team to lose to a D-2 team this week - Butler lost to Northern State and Arizona lost to Seattle Pacific - but everyone else had mitigating circumstances that could at least explain it.  Butler lost their top 2 players from last year and have to deal with that while Arizona is trying to break in a freshman point guard and lost their do everything player, but WVU shouldn't have those issues.  I mean yeah, they lost last year's leading scorer in Casey Mitchell, but with do everything Kevin Jones and point guard Truck Bryant back there's no reason for them to lose this game.  Most troubling is they allowed Northern Kentucky to shoot 52% from the floor for the game.  I don't know if this is a fluke or a terrible sign and harbinger of doom, but it ain't good.

5.  Jim Thome.  Tell me this isn't completely bizarre.  I mean the contract makes total sense - 1 year for $1.25 million with AB incentives that can push it to $1.5.  Perfect for everybdoy.  And I even get how Thome likes Philly from when he played there before and Philly likes Thome because if you don't like Thome you're probably evil in your black heart.  Again, makes sense.  But let's think about this, and realize that Philadelphia is in the national league and unless something changed they don't have a designated hitter in that league.  Thome proved with the Twins that he can't field - at all- which is why Mike Cuddyer, Luke Hughes, Trevor Plouffe, Joe Mauer, Matt Tolbert, Brendan Harris, and Jose Morales have all played 1st in the last two years.  So he's signing on to the Phils to get a max of 162 plate appearances next year.  I mean sure, he'll probably get all 162 since it's the NL, but I can't see any way he gets more than that unless there's a rule change allowing double pinch-hits.   I mean maybe that's what Thome is looking for now, it's a pretty sweet life making seven figures to eat some seeds or chew some Redman before taking a couple hacks late in the game, but I always got the impression he wanted to start once in a while.  Also this probably doesn't belong in the "who sucks" thing but I didn't really want to make another post about it so fuck it. 



Three Final Things:

1 .  The greatest sport in the world starts tonight with college hoops kicking off with the Coaches vs. Cancer Classic.  Three games tonight (Valpo @ Arizona, William & Mary @ St. Johns, and Eastern Kentucky @ Mississippi State) and then three more Wednesday (Duquesne @ Arizona, Liberty @ Texas A&M, and Lehigh @ St. John's) get us all kicked off leading to the big day on Friday when there are 126 games.  I'm stoked, and if you're looking for a wager tonight the only game I have a feel for is Miss State -17 vs. EKU, so just do it.  Also, here is my fantasy college basketball roster:

G - Dee Bost, Miss State
G - Allen Crabbe, Cal
G - Abdul Gaddy, Washington
G - Andre Young, Clemson
G - Glen Rice, Georgia Tech
G - Faisal Aden, Wash State
G - Lorenzo Brown, NC State
G - BJ Young, Arkansas
G - Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, Georgia
G/F - Drew Crawford, Northwestern
F - Trevor Mbakwe, Minnesota
F - Drew Gordon, New Mexico
F - Chris Johnson, Dayton
F - Brandon Davies, BYU
F - Malik Cooke, South Carolina
F - Dwight Powell, Stanford
C - Josh Smith, UCLA
C - Andrew Smith, Butler
C - Meyers Leonard, Illinois
C - Krys Faber, DePaul

I smell championship.

2.  Since I'm feeling generous here is a kick-ass soup recipe, which you can make as either beef or chicken:

1 lb. chicken breast or stew meat cut into cubes (depending on if you want chicken or beef soup, obvs)
2 potatoes, cubed
2 small carrots, diced
1/2 c. chopped onion
1/2 c. chopped celery
1 1/2 c. frozen corn kernels
2 T horseradish mustard (dijon works too)
1/4 t. black pepper
1/4 t. cayenne pepper
1/2 t. garlic powder
1/2 t. salt
2 1/2 c. vegetable juice like v-8
1 1/2 c. chicken broth (or beef if making beef soup)

Combine and cook in a crockpot for 7-9 hours.  Hell yes.

3.  I got distracted and I can't remember what #3 was now.  Ok then bye.

Thanks, Comcast

I was going to post last night but unfortunately for everyone, or fortunately, whatever, Comcast is a dick and my internet was down from 8:15 until 12:15.  I know the exact timing it was out because I was doing an internet fantasy football draft and was unable to log in to the draft room or log in anywhere really since, you know, I had no internet.  I considered going to a bar somewhere like a BW3 that would have free wi-fi so I could be the weirdo with the laptop drinking beer by himself, but then a generous soul offered to email me every single pick so I could follow long on my phone and then email him my picks whenever it was my turn.  It actually went rather smoothly.

Anyway, you guys remember how two years ago I told you how Hakeem Nicks was going to be awesome and then he was?  And last year how I was pimping Dez Bryant and now he's looking like he's going to be special?  Well I got a third guy.  I don't think his upside is on the Nicks/Bryant level, but he has a chance to reach the next tier and right now nobody is paying any attention to him or even knows who he is, and in a lot of drafts he isn't even getting drafted.  I really wish I could tell you who I'm talking about, but I have my big keeper league draft this weekend and then an auction on Labor Day.  Since too many people in those leagues read this crap, I'm going to have to keep it under wraps until after then.  Sorry.

And speaking of keeping things under wraps, over labor day weekend Snacks and I are taking our dad on an awesome trip.  It's a surprise and he sometimes reads this and I'm sure is super proud, so I can't spill the info here, but I plan to take a computer with me and update from the place that we're going.  Stay tuned.  On to the sporty sports:

-  So I guess we might as well start with the Twins, and we'll specifically go with the fact that Kubel and Thome were put on waivers, a fact which for some reason seems to have a lot of people spazzing out even though it's basically standard operating procedure and if they're smart the Twins will throw almost everybody out there at some point.  It's pretty simple, at some point some team will claim each of them - and they will both get claimed - and then the Twins will try to work out a trade.  In Thome's case they'll probably take whatever they can get because there's zero reason to hold on to him, but in Kubel's case they'll probably ask for quite a bit more.

That's good because Kubel has real value to a contender, now and in the future, but also not good because they're probably under some misguided notion that not trading him will help them sign him.  If they want to.  I don't know.  I don't even know if they should, but I'm pretty sure I'd take him over Cuddyer.  Maybe trade Kubel for a second-tier prospect, then sign either him or Cuddy, whoever offers the bigger discount.  And if you can't sign either of them who gives a crap, right?  And speaking of that why isn't Cuddy on waivers yet?  And Pavano?  And every reliever on the roster?

Seriously, this team as currently constructed has no shot to do anything ever.  Might as well move everything that has value and isn't part of your long term plans while you can.  Kubel, Cuddyer, Thome, Pavano, Blackburn, Nathan, Capps, basically every other reliever and possibly Danny Valencia are clearly not part of the future.  I see no reason why not to ship 'em all out of here.  You could get a decent return for everybody except Blackburn.  Start over.  Move on.  It's over.  This team sucks forever.  They can't even win a series against Baltimore for god's sake.

Which reminds me of a fun little nugget I heard on the radio today, and you'll never believe this but it illustrates once again how much of a complete moron P.A. is.  Since every Twins fan just watched J.J. Hardy homer against the team Monday night and then hear about how he has more home runs than every other Twin and basically a better HR rate than the entire team combined and P.A. is a giant homerdouche he had to down play Hardy, and act like the retard that he is.  So he went with, "Everyone who is saying the Twins should have kept Hardy is just saying that in retrospect, I don't remember anybody caring when they traded him" which is super bizarre because I remember everyone hating that trade - I know I did and I put it on paper.

Oh look.  I decided to check the first three Twins blogs I could think of to see what they had to say.  Aaron Gleeman called the move "questionable", Twinkie Town said, "Do I think it's a bad deal?  Definitely.", and Nick's Twins blog used the headline, "Hardy Trade Cripples Infield Depth." And those were the only three places I checked, that's not exactly nobody.  I think the only people who liked this trade were Bill Smith, P.A., Bert Blyleven, and Sid Hartman since Hardy wasn't a gritty gamer who hustled and gritted his way around the field because he was a pussy unlike captain gritty mchustlepants Nick Punto.

Oh, and then even better he started going on and on about how obviously Hardy didn't have much worth because no teams wanted him and Baltimore was the only team who would make a deal.  I'm not kidding he honestly said this.  Then, with the least research anybody has ever done ever, I find this link.  In case you are too lazy or don't know how to click on links, it is an article by Lavelle Neal which quotes Bill Smith as saying there were "at least a half dozen teams" interested in Hardy.  So I guess my point is that P.A. is still incredibly dumb and anybody who listens to his show and thinks he knows anything about anything is so dumb they probably like Olive Garden.

-  In the entertainment world I recently watched Trespass.  Not a recent movie by any means, but I'm not sure I've seen it.  To refresh you, it's the one where Bill Paxton and that guy from Shawshank are hunting for gold in an abandoned factory and end up in a shoot-out with Ice-T, Ice Cube, Argyle from Die Hard, and Deebo from when he was still skinny.  It was mind-blowing to see the two Ices in the same movie, and even worse to see how terrible their acting was, especially because this movie actually came after Boyz N the Hood, which I thought Cube was pretty solid in, although two years before his mini-breakout in Higher Learning and 3 before his total breakout in Friday.  It's really a shame he died in 1998 after Player's Club,  I wonder how far his career could have gone, maybe a more "street" Denzel.  Shame we'll never know.

Ice-T, on the other hand, was terrible in this and has always been terrible, outside of being tolerable in Law & Order:  SVU (although to be fair I haven't seen Leprechaun in the Hood, which seems like a glaring weakness in my movie watching history).  There is, of course, the one notable exception of Surviving the Game, which is an awesome awesome awesome movie and I will fucking fight anyone who says otherwise.  Rutger Hauer, Gary Busey, Ice-T in his best ever role ever, the black dude from Rudy, and Dr. Cox in a movie about hunting homeless people for sport?  Hell.  Yes.  God I want to watch this now.  Ask Snacks, he'll tell you how good this was.  Ice-T should have just quit acting after this and he'd be a legend.  "Hey Burns, always check the barrell."

Seriously, this movie is so good dude.  I can sum it up in three pictures:

Holy crap this movie is so awesome.  I have no idea why you are sitting there watching something stupid when you could be watching this. 

-  Apparently Rick Adelman interviewed with the Timberwolves which leads me to believe he either really likes hookers, really likes drugs, has a serious gambling debt, or perhaps collects Faberge eggs because the only reason I can figure a guy like Adelman would want the Wolves job is a desperate need for immediate money.   Why join this mess instead of waiting a year and waiting for a more attractive job to turn up?  He's made the playoffs like, 20 times, so why go to a trainwreck?  Maybe he likes a challenge I guess, but why not go for the Sunday crossword instead of the one billion piece puzzle of the sky?  Weird.

-  Finally, we got us a new blog to check out,Still Got Hope, which focuses on gopher football for some reason.  I actually sort of  know one of the guys (from the internet) and even though he's kind of a doofus and looks like Shrek his first post made me laugh even though it was about Tutu Atwell which I wouldn't have believed if I hadn't lived it, and their intro post was nice as well.  I recommend you give them a read.  They're known as a poor man's Down with Goldy according to me.

Trading Nothing for Nothing gets Nothing

Obviously the big news is that the Twins gave up on the world's largest Largemouth Bass, Delmon Young, and shipped him off to division rival Detroit.  I'm never a fan of trading someone when their value is at an all-time low, but I suppose when you combine lazy with malcontent and frustrating there's no guarantee that you're at the nadir no matter how much you feel like it must be.

On the other hand, the return for Delmon essentially equates to the proverbial bag of balls, and I'm just not sure that's the way to go, especially when you're trading a 26-year old who was once the top prospect in the game and finished 10th in MVP voting last year(no shtick) to a division rival.  There are about a million different ways this can backfire, but apparently the team has decided they would rather pursue signing both Cuddy and Kubel this offseason instead of getting any value out of trading Matt Garza.  Delmon was almost guaranteed to be criminally overpaid next year if they offered arbitration, so now instead we're looking at a likely overpaid Cuddy and Kubel.  I don't know.  Maybe that whole hometown discount thing might exist with these two.  Seems possible.

Anyway, I was going to break down Delmoney's stats and then talk about Cole Edina or whatever his name is that they got back, but it turns out I'm drunk and tired and really you're asking a lot here.  All you need to know is that you can't find Cole on any list of top prospects in the Tiger system anywhere, and they're a thin system.  I even found one that went to 40, and he's still not there.  So they almost literally gave him away.  Which, frankly, is pretty stupid.

The real problem for me though is I just have trouble caring.  I'm not really scared of Delmon.  I'm just not.  There's nothing about what I've seen from him in the last however many years that makes me think he's suddenly going to put it altogether.  Even the fact that he finished 10th in MVP balloting last year seems completely ludicrous to me.  He's never inspired confidence that he was putting it together, he just somehow had a good year.  To me he'll always be the swing at everything bumbling fielder he's always been.  Except for tonight, apparently, where he decided to hit a bomb off Liriano (like that's hard) and make a play in left that he's never made ever ever before.  So I just don't care.  I always trust Bill Smith and his eye for talent.

- Speaking of Bill Smith and his penchant for sucking at roster management, just how dreadful has Nishioka been?  Is there even one facet of his game that is remotely presentable right now?  He's like the fat girl with small boobs and a bitchy personality.  And the saddest part is that it was obvious to see.  If you aren't Ichiro or Hideki Matsui (and those were the two best players in Japanese history not named Oh) and you're coming over from Japan you're going to suck.  Kaz Matsui was terrible.  So Taguchi might have been worse.  Iwamura has been completely meh and Kosuke Fukudome is heading down the same path.  Remember Orestes Destrade?  He was a masher in Japan and was supposed to tip the balance of the league, and he was terrible.  Perhaps the biggest indictment on the Japanese League?  Guess who is tied for the single-season HR record in Japan and who holds the single season hit record?  Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes and Matt "Fucking" Murton.  Two dudes who were basically forced to retire from MLB because they sucked on a Tobertian level.

Yet the Twins paid billions of dollars to sign Yoshi.  Why, you may ask?  Because a .280 career hitter with minimal power suddenly had a career year by hitting .346 with minimal power - in a league where MATT MOTHERFUCKING MURTON hold a major hitting record.  Basically they signed the Brady Anderson of Japanese ball banking on him becoming J.J. Hardy when he has so far been worse than any single year Punto put up.  And at least Punto was an awesome fielder, while Nishi looks lost hitting, fielding, running, being in position, or knowing how many outs there are.  Honestly this team makes me want to quit baseball for life.  Where for art thou, Andy McPhail.  You never McPhailed in my heart.

-  Oh and the actual big news of the night is that Jim Thome hit his 600th home run, which is sadly a bit less holy shitty than it used to be.  He's still only the 8th guy to do so, and only the fifth to do it legally.  I don't want to get all caught up in the puritan steroid talk or anything, but there really is something refreshing about a dude like Thome.  I mean he's really not all that different from Matt Stairs, who I idolize.  He just did it more often and for longer.  Ok that isn't actually remotely true because for several years in the late 90s/early 00s Thome was a truly elite player.  In a way he's a compiler because he's been bombing them out for 21 seasons now, but it's not like he's been holding on like Pete Rose or Brett Favre or Al Pacino.  His OPS last season was actually the fourth best of his career.  The guy is basically completely bankrupt at running or fielding or not being old, but he can still crush the ball.  He's probably one of my ten favorite players of all-time, and if you remember this you just remember knowing it would be him.  Love the guy.  Congrats.

-  Moving on from the world's worst baseball team, let's talk about the world's best basketball team - the Minnesota Golden Gophers.  They're in another early season tournament, which is good, but this time they're the favorites with every single ESPN nerd picking them to win the Old Spice Classic.  And really you can't even argue with it.  They play DePaul in game 1, who is maybe the worst team in D-I history so suck it Krys Faber, and then in the semis they'd either see Texas Tech or Indiana State.  Unfortunately Tech just graduated everybody of relevance (from a bad team) and Indiana State is just pesky enough to possibly end up as a "bad loss" with no shot at becoming a "good win."  Then, if they make it to the championship game they'd either get Dayton, Wake, Ariz State, or Fairfeild, where Fairfield is probably the best choice but really nobody offers much upside.  It's a tournament where, no matter how well they do, they can't really win but could definitely lose.  Although based on this team's past I suppose third place could be considered upside.  Minnesota sports are awesome and  I love them.

-  Made some pretty awesome Teriyaki-Pineapple chicken drumsticks this weekend.  Need to use less Pineapple juice because it waters down the Teriyaki, but the sauce was stellar overall.  Try this:

1/3 c. Soy Sauce
1/3 c. Water (tempted to use Beef Broth here next time)
1/4 c. White Sugar
1 T Worchestershire Sauce
1 T White Vinegar
1 T Olive Oil
2 T Dried Onions
1 t garlic powder (could probably go a little more, maybe 2 t)
1/2 t ginger

Marinade Chicken overnight if possible, then dump the whole thing in a crock pot and cook on low for 5-6 hours. I used a full cup on pineapple juice but I'd cut down on that by at least half next time and probably add in some green pepper as well, but you're on your own here.  And even if you don't try this I can't stress more how awesome cooking chicken drumsticks (or wings) in a crockpot is.  They are like falling off the bones.  So awesome.

-  I lost 3 units this past week gambling on my baseball props.  Just the third losing week this season out of 13.  Still smarts. 

-  The best moment in this entire season of True Blood, outside of every Anna Paquin nude scene, was when Jessica killed Hoyt, and it might have been the best scene since season 1.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a hallucinatin/dream of Jessica's.  But what was awesome about it was that someone semi-meaningful died.  Hoyt isn't a top tier character and probably isn't even tier 2, but at least he's tier 3 and someone who has been around since Season 1.  Maybe I'm spoiled by Game of Thrones, the series and the books, but I like shit better when people who matter can/do die.  Season 1 of True Blood had both Grandma Stackhouse and Rene go down, and they were meaningful.  Since then has anybody of any import died?  You're telling me they couldn't kill of Tara or Andy Bellefleur?   It's just dumb now.  It's like watching Scooby Doo with boobs.

-   Finally, if you're looking for a Gopherhole type place for the Twins but less homery and dumb, dig on this site.  It's like talking Twins with the commenters on this blog, if only they were less retarded and weren't convinced Nick Blackburn was a star.  Big fan.

Who sucks, why, and what can we expect? (hitters edition)

There's a lot of things wrong with the Twins' offense so far, clearly, and since I'm prone to overreaction I'm basically in full on panic mode.  Ok, not really.  But the Twins have definitely sucked.  Perhaps we should look into this.

Let me warn you right here:  if you think discussions about swing rates and ground ball ratios are boring you should just check out now because we're going to dig into this on a player-by-player basis.  If K-rate, chase percentage, and BABIP are things you either don't understand, are scared of, or just plain hate you should leave at just go look at boobies.  Now for the rest of you poindexters who stuck around, let's get out our abaci and our protractors and hunker down in mom's basement and see what we see.  All stats as of April 12, pre-game time.  All nerd stats from fangraphs.



Joe Mauer (.233/.303/.267) - No real secret here, but his numbers are low because his Batting Average on Balls in Play (BABIP) is low, but that's because he's hitting almost exclusively ground balls so far this year.  His 80% ground ball rate is the highest in all of baseball, while his 4.0% line drive rate puts him at 209th out of 213 players who qualify for the batting title.

His swing rates, contact rates, and walk rates are generally around his career averages so it doesn't appear anything has changed as far as his approach, which is good, but there is one interesting anomaly.  Of the pitches thrown to him so far this year, 14.8% of them have been curveballs which is almost double what he's seen in his career, and that's the pitch he has the most trouble with according to the numbers (other than a cutter which you don't see as often).  Could just be a weird blip due to early season pitching match-ups, but could be the league has identified something.  It's probably meaningless, but it's worth watching.

Justin Morneau (.258/.303/.355) - Interesting to note that he's not hitting with power (his current ISO - which measures power without regard to batting average - would be bar far the lowest of his career) and he's also not striking out at all - just  once this year with one of the lowest K% in the entire league.  He's also not walking at anywhere near his usual pace.  This can be traced to the fact that he's making contact nearly every time he swings the bat - currently at 87.5% contact rate, a career high and 10% higher than his career average.

The real issue, though, is how often he's making contact when he chases - 85.0%, up from 68.1% last year.  He's seeing fewer pitches in the zone, and although he is chasing less than last year when he does chase he's making contact far more often, and unless you're Kirby Puckett, Yogi Berra, or Vlad Guerrero it's much harder to make solid contact when you're going after a bad pitch.  I haven't noticed if he's taking weaker swings at bad pitches simply to make contact, but it's something I'll be watching.  I suspect he just needs to get back to unleashing on every swing - his misses will go up, but so will his power and his walks.  That's what the Twins need.  Assuming his brain is working ok and will allow that to happen.

Delmon Young (.188/.212/.219) - Similar to Mauer he's not getting any hits because he's not hitting any line drives, just 8.0% so far.  Dissimilar to Mauer his balls in play aren't limited to grounders because he's hitting both fly balls and ground balls, but none of the GBs are getting through and none of the FBs are going anywhere, thus the lack of both hits and power.  Despite his swing and contact rates remaining relatively similar to last year he's actually striking out more and walking less, which I didn't think was possible.  Of note is that out of every five pitches Young sees only two of them are in the strike zone.  Pitchers know he'll chase so they aren't giving him anything to hit.  If his approach doesn't change it's going to be a tough year.

Denard Span (.286/.342/.400) - maybe the only player on the entire roster who hasn't been an offensive disappointment.  Worth noting is that is walk rate is just 7.9%, down from last year which was down from the year prior and down from the year prior.  Bizarrely, as the years have gone by he seems to be seeing more pitches in the strike zone, but swinging at fewer strikes and more balls with his swing % at balls outside the zone at a career high.  His numbers have the potential to get even better if he can recapture some of his plate patience he showed earlier in his career because the balls he does hit he's hitting much better and much harder.  Perhaps that's what he needs to break through the "slightly above average lead-off hitter" he's been for his career.  Also needed:  less getting picked off.

Danny Valencia (.194/.265/.290) -  Nothing in Valencia's numbers suggests any kind of regression from last year.  His swing and contact rates are similar and if anything he's showing improved plate patience.  His line drive, ground ball, and fly ball rates are also all right where you'd expect.  The only big difference is a huge drop in BABIP from .345 last year to .200 this year.  While .345 means he was a little bit lucky last year, the .200 (with the rest of the numbers basically the same) means he's been tremendously unlucky this year.  No worries about Valencia, he's going to be fine. 

Jason Kubel (.300/.323/.367) -  The .300 average looks nice but there are some pretty big red flags here.  First, his BABIP is .391 even though his line drive rate is currently at a career low mark of 17.4% - that's a whole lot of luck coming into play.  Second, the complete lack of power is disturbing, as are the zero walks.

Two things Kubel has always been able to bring to the table, even when struggling, are his power and his plate patience and now they're both gone?  His double tonight is just his third this year and he's still looking for that first home run.  Based on his career averages he should have triple the XBH by now.  And the walks?  He's been solidly right at a 10% or so walk rate his whole career, and now nothing?  He's being extra aggressive for some reason this year with rises in his swing rates at both balls in the zone and out of it and it's translating into no walks.  I don't know why he's suddenly trying to become Delmon Young, but this shit better stop or I'm burning my Kubel shirt.  Don't change who you are when it's (at least sort of) working.

Mike Cuddyer (.107/.194/.107) -  He's 3-3 tonight with three singles so that will help the average number at least.  That's not all that concerning because with a BABIP of just .136 you know his average is going to come up significantly, but I'm not so sure what's going on with the slap hitting nancy routine.  His contact rates are mostly similar, so it's not that he's changed his approach, but for some reason he's swinging about 7% less on balls in the strike zone, and making contact about 2% less that usual.  It's almost as if while Kubel is getting more aggressive and getting away from his strength, Cuddyer is trying to be more patient which goes away from his.

Similar to Mauer, he's seen a huge increase in curve balls so far this year (from 8.2% career average to 16.2% this year) which leads me to believe this whole curve ball thing is nothing more than statistical noise due to seeing a higher percentage than average of curve ball pitchers so far, but it's worth noting that, again similar to Mauer, Cuddy always struggles against curves, so maybe things turn around when pitch mixes return to more standard levels.

The one impressive thing about his season is no matter how shitty it is, Cuddy has managed to keep his streak of being quoted in every single Twins article ever since he arrived in the big leagues intact.  Seriously, every article.  Guy's a bigger media whore than Chuck Sheen.

Jim Thome (.167/.250/.444) -  It doesn't really matter to me what the numbers would say about Thome, I'm not going to worry about him unless I start seeing signs of aging, like not being able to catch up to a fastball or not being able to sustain an erection.  At this point his 9.1% line drive rate and 63.5% fly ball rate are both really awful numbers and are leading to his piss poor BABIP of .200.  He's not punishing fast balls the way he usually does, but really right now he's not punishing anything (except that pitch from poor Jerry Blevins) so we really don't have enough data.  Kept a sharp eye on which pitches Thome is hitting hard to know what to expect the rest of the year, like the 80 mph change he just hit off Tim Collins for a single, that's the kind of pitch an old man who can't catch up to a fastball will crush.  Not saying that's him, but it's something to watch.

Alexi Casilla (.167/.211/.278) -  His BABIP is just .200, which would make you think his performance is bound to get better just due to luck, but he doesn't walk (ever), he has no power (ever), and, get ready for this one.....he hasn't hit a single line drive all year.  Basically all he does is bound the ball into the ground and hope to god he finds a hole (not dissimilar to Chuck Sheen) or hits the ball so shittily he can use his alleged speed to get on base.  I guess.  I don't know.  I don't even get this guy.  I think I'd rather have Punto back.  Or Denny Hocking.  Or Jeff Reboulet.  At least he had a mustache.  I'm tired and drunk.


And that's the end. I think what we can really take out of this is that this team sucks.  Or, this team has seen a lot of curveballs and they can't hit them.  Of the starters they've faced Ivan Nova, A.J. Burnett, Gio Gonzalez, Brett Anderson, and Brandon McCarthy are all big curve guys, with Burnett, Gonzalez, and McCarthy among the league leaders in % of pitches thrown that are curves.  I'm not sure what that means.  Probably something.

Twins Season Wrap: 10 Roster Questions for Next Year

With the season officially in the crapper and my heart broken clean in two, I thought I'd look at some of the pressing offseason roster questions that Bill Smith and the Twins' front office are going to have to deal with, and then never speak of the Twisn again.  There are a lot of things that are going to change, which makes this year's defeat all the more soul crushing - the team was setup to win this year, and they failed.  Failed hard.  

1.  Will Morneau be back?  Hard to believe a simple knee to the head could end someone's career, but the fact that he missed the last three months of the season and still can't string together more than a few days without a relapse/dizzy spell who the hell knows what could happen.  I won't bother to just wildly speculate since I don't have any knowledge of it or any kind of medical background except what I learned on Scrubs, but as unfathomable as it seems that he might not be around next year, did you think there was even a slight chance he'd miss the rest of the season?

2.  How high will the payroll go?  Right now the Twins have seven players under contract for next year, but those seven (Mauer, Morneau, Nathan, Cuddyer, Baker, Span, and Blackburn) total $68 million in payroll.  Most other current Twins are arbitration eligible and most will get raises, so the Twins will have to make some hard decisions about who to keep and who to let go.  And wherever they let players go, I'd guess they try to plug those holes from within.  Will that mean Alexi Casilla as a full-time starter and Anthony Swarzak in the rotation?  I hope not, but it wouldn't surprise me.

3.  Jason Kubel's option?  Kubel had an off year this season, at least compared to the prior year, and has a team option remaining that the Twins can pick up which would pay him $5.25 million (or they can buy him out for $350k).  I hate having two defensive butchers at the corner outfield positions with him and Delmon, and Kubel is certainly more suited to a DH role, so his true value depends on whether Thome comes back.  Which, brings us to....

4.  Will Thome return on the cheap?  Jim Thome was only signed this year because he was willing to take a very cheap $1.5 million to come play part time.  With Morneau's injury and subsequent position shifting of everyone, his value skyrocketed and he more than proved himself worth every penny.  If Morneau comes back, Thome goes back to his part-time role.  Would he be willing to do it again, or at this point does he want to be full-time player again?

5. What's going to happen with Delmon Young?  Delmon is arbitration eligible and made $2.6 million last year, but coming off the year he had, including surpassing magic numbers of 20 HRs and 100 RBI, he's going to get a healthy raise if they go to arbitration.  If his agent is worth his shit, however, they'll be pushing for a long-term contract, and the question is if the Twins will go for it.  Nick Markakis of the Orioles had a similar year in 2008 and ended up signing a 6-year, $66 million deal.  Are you ready to pay Delmon $11 per year?  

6.  How is the bullpen going to shake out?  Joe Nathan is the only bullpen guy with a guaranteed contract for next season, so this is where a lot of choices are going to have to be made.  Fuentes is a free agent and will be gone, but everybody else is a question mark.  Matt Guerrier, Jessie Crain, and Jon Rauch are all free agents and Matt Capps is arbitration eligible and will get a significant raise from the $3.5 million he made this year if he's offered.  With the payroll already where it is, they probably won't be bringing everybody back, and I'd be pretty shocked if Rauch is a Twin next season.

7.  How will the middle infield look next year?  Orlando Hudson is a free agent, and I'd be pretty shocked if they brought him back, while J.J. Hardy, Alexi Casilla, and Matt Tolbert are all arbitration eligible.  Hardy made $5.1 million this year, and even if he doesn't get a raise that is still a pretty high number for medium production, but the alternatives make me want to kill myself.  Unless they decide to try to pay for Juan Uribe, a free agent from the Giants next year, Hardy is pretty much the only viable option.  And if they start next year with Punto as their starting SS, we might as well just give the season up for dead.  Speaking of......

8.  They can't possibly pick up Nick Punto's option, right?  The choices are to either agree to pay him $5 million next year (Five.  Freaking.  Million) or buy him out for $500k.  Putting aside how terrible that contract was, I know they are in love with him over at Target Field but even they have to realize that $5MM is a ridiculous number for a good fielding utility man, right?  Their best bet would be to buy him out, then offer him a contract for a year in the $500k - $1 million range to be their back up, although they should probably just pay him the minimum since he's essentially stolen over $13 million from the Twins the last few years. 

9.  Will the 'stache be back?  This might be the toughest decision to make, since Carl Pavano was brilliant all year and carried the team at times.  Of course, pitchers who are brilliant and carry their team generally make a lot of money.  He made $7 million this year, and, unless the Twins move quickly, will hit the open market, and who knows who is going to offer him what and for how long.  One advantage is that there is no way the Yankees will be after him since he burned them once before, but there are plenty of other teams who have money and need pitching.  Whatever the cost, I would be nervous giving Pavano anything more than a 2-year deal, but if you want to keep him you might have to, and don't be shocked if he makes $10+ million per year with a new deal.

10.  Pavano or no, what about the rest of the rotation?  Baker is pretty much stuck since he's got a contract ($5 million next year) as is Blackburn ($3 million), Brian Duensing is still under team control, so he'll be here, and Francisco Liriano will be back as well, whether it's through arbitration or if they decide to sign him longer term.  Slowey is also still under arbitration, so I'd expect him to be back as well.  None of the in-house options are very attractive at this point, unless Kyle Gibson has just an amazing spring, so I'd expect the rotation to look pretty similar to start the year, with those five above the guys they go with if they don't end up signing Pavano.  There will probably be a few other scraps on the open market, because they'll have no shot at Cliff Lee, but I wouldn't expect the Twins to go after anybody unless they think they can get a steal on a veteran they think is undervalued (like Pavano was).  I wouldn't be shocked to see Javier Vazquez as a Twin next year, although if I was to bet on it I'd guess next year's rotation would be Liriano, Duensing, Baker, Slowey, and Blackbun.  Doesn't that just get you fired up? 


Well, there you have it.  It will be interesting to see what they end up doing in a variety of areas, and to see the results.  Worst case, the team takes a nosedive and sucks.  Best case, another division title and they get swept out of the first round of the playoffs.  Either way, it guarantees a season ending in frustration.  Thank god college hoops isn't too far away, because Gopher basketball is never frustrating.

Catchers and pitchers report in 19 weeks.

Win Twins: American League Division Series Preview

Even though we all know the New York Yankees are going to sweep since they completely own the Minnesota Twins in every way, Kubel homer off Rivera aside, I feel like I should toss up some kind of preview of some kind since I like to pretend I'm a Twins writer. So how about we take a look, position by position, so we can truly get a read on how badly teh Yanks are going to own this sucker.

CATCHER: Joe Mauer (.327/.402/.469 - 9 HRs) vs. Jorge Posada (.248/.357/.454).  Mauer is going to win this battle against any playoff catcher this year, although there's somebody in San Fran who might make a pretty good argument, but his hitting - even with his power disappearing - combined with his defense make him easily the winner in this argument.  Posada is still an ageless wonder but his skills are starting to diminish, even though - and you're going to hear this a lot with NYY - he's still patient and draws a lot of walks and can still hit for power.  His arm is basically shot (he only threw out 16% of base-stealers this year) but that won't really matter since the Twins can't/don't really run.  ADVANTAGE:  Twins

FIRST BASE:  Michael Cuddyer (.271/.336/.417 - 14 HRs) vs. Mark Texeira (.256/.365/.481 - 33 HRs).  This year was an off year for Tex (worst avg, obp, and slugging since he was a rook), but he still blows what the Twins have to offer completely out of the water.  The bad Cuddy showed up this year, which is unfortunate because this is when they could use him most, what with their best player on the shelf the second half of the year.  Hopefully he can recapture some of that 2006/2009 magic, because the Twins are going to need all the big bats they can get.  Plus, Texeira is a 3-time gold glover, and although it's commendable that Cuddy is willing to play wherever they need him he's a god awful 1B-man.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees 

SECOND BASE:  Orlando Hudson (.268/.338/.372 - 10 SBs) vs. Robinson Cano (.319/.381/.534 - 29 HRs).  Look at those numbers.  Cano is just ridiculous.  Do you realize that slugging percentage of Cano's is the second-highest of any player in this series, behind on Jim Thome?  And we know what Thome has done, but Cano isn't that far behind.  And he plays frickin' second base!  I don't mind Hudson, despite the fact that he's hit .171 since September 8th, but he's far, far, far outclassed here.  Cano is basically Joe Mauer with power, while O-Hud is, well, Alexi Casilla with a a better reputation.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

THIRD BASE:  Danny Valencia (.311/.351/.448 - 7 HRs) vs. Alex Rodriguez (.270/.341/.506 - 30 HRs).  Similar to Texeira, A-Rod had one of the worst years of his entire career but still blows the Twins' offering away.  Not as badly as Tex, thanks to Valencia's high average, good defense, and the fact that he seems to be getting better, but Rodiguez is still so far beyond Dannyboy that, much like Dr. Dre said to his rival rappers, "You couldn't see me with binoculars."  Oh, and if you want to make the argument right now that A-Rod chokes in the playoffs do me a favor:  shut down the internet window you are viewing this blog on and never, ever, ever come back here again because you are a retard.  Also, and this has nothing to do with anything right now except that I'm watching Zombieland, I really dig Emma Stone.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

SHORTSTOP:  J.J. Hardy (.268/.320/.394 - 6 HRs) vs. Derek Jeter (.270/.340/.370 - 18 SBs).  In what is quickly becoming a common theme, Jeter is having the worst year of his career, but this one is at least close.  In actually, Hardy out OPSes Jeter, even though it's like comparing Alexi Casilla to Matt Tolbert, thanks to his higher slugging, and according to every defensive metric I looked it, which is everything fangraphs has, Hardy is a better fielder.  So we're going to have to give this one to Minnesota.  Which doesn't feel right.  And not because it's Captain Intensity and Sportsmanship, because he's been overrated for years, but because it's Hardy and he kind of sucks.  Sorry ladies.  ADVANTAGE:  Twins

LEFT FIELD:  Delmon Young (.298/.333/.493 - 21 HRs) vs. Brett Gardner (.277/.383/.379 - 47 SBs).  Tough call, because these guys couldn't be more different.  Young is the lumbering stick-man, finally coming into his own and showing some of his promise while at every pitch within a 4-mile radius of home plate.  Gardner is the fleet of foot slap-hitter who is probably the best left-fielder in baseball and is very selective at the plate.  It is close, but Young's extra power can't make up for Gardner's non-hitting skills.  And I don't mean like, his ability to cook a nice steak on the grill (top notch from what I hear.  He uses a little bit of garlic butter is the rumor), I mean the speed and fielding thing.   ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

CENTER FIELD:   Denard Span (.264/.331/.348 - 26 SBs, 10 3Bs) vs. Curtis Granderson (.247/.324/.468 - 24 HRs).  Sigh.  Remember when Span looked like he was going to become your prototypical leadoff hitter?  Like a poor man's Tim Raines with less steals?  Well now he's more like a poor man's Vince Coleman with way, way less steals (NOTE:  Coleman was actually a terrible hitter, which you probably don't remember because you were blinded by his blindingly blinding speed.  Blind.)  Granderson has been just barely good this year, but he destroys the new, slower Vince Coleman.  Quick, guess how many walks Spoleman has had since August 24th:  It's 12.  Jason Repko has nine in that same time frame, and he plays like every 8th day.  In short, Denard Span is a huge disappointment and I hope he gets the mumps.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

RIGHT FIELD:  Jason Kubel (.249/.323/.427 - 21 HRs) vs. Nick Swisher (.288/.359/.511 - 29 HRs).  Both of these guys would be better off playing softball so don't expect any great fielding antics (unless you count diving and catching a ball a normal fielder would get to standing up as a great fielding play), but Swisher is merely bad while my boy Kubes is basically a butcher of historic proportions.  And as far as hitting goes, Kubel is Kubel this year, while Swisher is what Kubel was last year.  No contest.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

DESIGNATED HITTER:  Jim Thome (.283/.412/.627 - 25 HRs) vs. Lance Berkman (.248/.368/.413).  Thank god Thome is involved here, because he'd win a comparison against anyone.  Berkman?  Please.  A-Rod?  Not this year.  Babe Ruth?  Sorry fatty.  Zeus?  No mythical beings allowed.  Jesus?  I said no mythical beings allowed.  So Berkman and his big giant chin have no chance.  ADVANTAGE:  Twins

STARTER #1/#5:   Francisco Liriano (14-10, 3.62 ERA, 1.26 WHIP) vs. CC Sabathia (21-7, 3.18 ERA, 1.19 WHIP).  This is an incredibly even matchup, especially because when you start looking at the nerd stats Liriano actually comes out pretty far ahead thanks to his great HR/9 mark and because his walk and strikeout numbers are way better than Sabathia's.  Just looking at the "mainstream" stats you'd pick Sabathia, but go a bit deeper and it's pretty obvious Liriano has actually been the better pitcher this year, and it's actually not all that close.  ADVANTAGE:  Twins

STARTER #2:  Carl Pavano (17-11, 3.75 ERA, 1.19 WHIP) vs. Andy Pettitte (11-3, 3.28 ERA, 1.27 WHIP).  This is a pretty even matchup, if you ignore the fact that the Twins seemingly couldn't hit Pettitte if he tossed the ball underhand.  A little wrinkle here is that Pettite is just getting back from injury, having pitched just three times since mid-July, and topped out at just 88 pitches in those three starts since returning.  Pavano has been very good this year, even though he's tapered off a bit since that streak of 18 consecutive complete games or whatever it was, and with his propensity to throw strikes the patient approach of the Yankees shouldn't bother him, and may even play in his favor.  ADVANTAGE:  Twins

STARTER #3:  Brian Duensing (10-3, 2.62 ERA, 1.20 WHIP) vs. Phil Hughes (18-8, 4.19 ERA, 1.25 WHIP).  One thing I really love about this matchup is that since the all-star break Hughes has been absolutely awful, with an ERA near 5 despite a fluky low BABIP of .262 and less than a 2-1 KK/BB ratio.  That means he's been simply dreadful.  And we know, outside of his last few starts, that Duensing has been brilliant this year, so all signs point to a Twinkie advantage.  Except of course, that the last time he pitched at Yankee Stadium in the playoffs he got shelled.  Still.....ADVANTAGE:  Twins

STARTER #4:  Nick Blackburn (10-12, 5.42 ERA, 1.45 WHIP) vs. A.J. Burnett (10-15, 5.26 ERA, 1.51 WHIP).  I know Blackburn has been pitching must better since his trip to AAA, and I know Burnett is mostly a mess, but I can't possibly give the advantage to the Twins here.  Blackburn doesn't have great stuff so he must rely on location so much that his margin for error is razor-thin, and when he's even slightly off he's gotten roasted by the likes of Baltimore, Oakland, and Kansas City - can you imagine what the Yankees will do to him if he's not 100% locked in?  It's not like Burnett has been great lately, since June 4th his ERA is 6.46, and I know Blackburn has come up in the clutch in the past, but I just can't do it.  Plus Sabathia is almost certainly going to be the one pitching this game.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

[NOTE:  New York hasn't announced their pitching lineup, so this is all just conjecture.  Good chance Sabathia comes back to pitch game #4 (where he'd obviously have a huge advantage over Blackburn), leaving Pettitte vs. Liriano for game 5 if it gets that far.]

CLOSER:  Matt Capps (42/48 saves, 2.47 ERA, 1.26 WHIP) vs. Mariano Rivera (33/38 saves, 1.80 ERA, 0.83 WHIP).  Father fucking time aka the Sandman just keeps rolling along, and you can throw out that blown save to the Twins earlier because those 2 ERs he allowed accounted for 33% of the ERs he allowed through August.  Of course, he's been super-mortal here in September, with an ERA of 7.38 and 3 blown saves in the month, but I'm not exactly ready to call him done just yet.  Plus, the best team Capps has ever played on before this year was a 68-win Pirate team, so not only has he never pitched in the playoffs, but he's really never pitched in a meaningful game.  Seriously, how do you feel when you think about Capps coming in to Yankee Stadium in the bottom of the ninth with the Twins up 3-2? Nauseous, at best.  ADVANTAGE:  Yankees

BULLPEN:   Crain/Fuentes/Guerrier/Mijaries/Rauch vs. Wood/Chamberlain/Robertson/Gaudin/Logan.  I haven't seen the Yankees postseason roster, so I'm not sure if all those guys will be on there, but the main three - Wood, Chamberlain, and Robertson - certainly will be.  Wood has basically been unhittable since he came over from Cleveland, but Chamberlain hasn't been great this year (although he still strikes out a ton of guys and can be untouchable when he's on) and Robertson is definitely hittable.  One thing that should help the Twins out is that the only lefty in the pen is Boone Logan, and although he's been good this year and particularly tough on lefties, he's been awful in his career overall and hasn't ever pitched in the postseason - could be where the Twins can take advantage.  Overall, despite the struggles in the last couple of weeks, I like the Twins' group better.  Although every single one of them scares me to death.  ADVANTAGE:  Twins 

Total it all up and the Twins look good on the mound, with the Yankees holding an advantage at the plate and win the overall breakdown by the slimmest of  margins at 8-7.  Of course, games aren't played with words on crappy, third-rate blogs, they're played between the lines where anything can happen.  Because this is your state, this is your team, and this is Twins Territory!

Yanks in 4.

But not if Wonderbaby^TM has anything to say about it.






If you're looking for another take, here's Reusse's breakdown using a similar method, but the results are very, very different and a lot more stupider.

Good Lord Lazy

(pic added, just for Snake)

14:00 - Watching the game on tape delay, and I wasn't going to type up anything or live (taped) blog this, but it's time to say lazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazylazy.  Sampson walks through the paint while a shot is in the air.  Westbrook walks out to defend his man.  Johnson lets the dribbler go right past him in transition.  Hell, Hoffarber has looked like crap defensively but I'm actually more proud of him than anybody else because at least he's trying, he just doesn't have the ability.  Seriously, this a pathetic effort.  I try harder to listen when Mrs. W is talking about The Biggest Loser, and god knows I'm not trying very hard.

12:02 - I don't hate aggessive-brook, but jesus christ he drives me batty some times.  There's a difference between being aggressive and just throwing up anything.  You aren't Glen Rice.  You don't have a "zone" like that.  Calm the hell down.  Of course, there are times where it's needed.  I'm just saying.  Not right now.

11:40 - we finally hit a tv timeout, and I'm pretty sure we just went all the way to the under 12 without a break.  I could be wrong.  I've had a few drinks.  We had a work thing (thus the reason I'm watching this on Tivo).  Oh, you want to know what I had?  I went with the Buffalo Ribeye (that's bison, not buffalo sauce, which I already had to explain once tonight) with fingerling potatoes and a couple absolut tonics.  No salad, because the communist restaurant we went to didn't have caesar salad.  What the F?

11:23 - Huh.  So even if you miss a timeout, they just give back to back ones even if you're under 12 minutes already.  Interesting.  I guess the Marines and the National Geographic Channel aren't just gonna sell themselves.  (NOTE:  I love the Nat Geo channel.  Naked Science and Hooked! are both awesome).

11:00 - I think Mrkovic has had his shot blocked six times already.  No joke.  I should also mention here that Northwestern isn't running that queer zone.  I'd bet anything they bust in out to start the second half.  Also Mrkovic just had his shot blocked again, this time Rodney rejected it so hard Mrkys boyfriend died.

9:20 - Nobody in history has missed as many close-in shots as Paul Carter.  It's not possible.

8:37 - By the way, the T-Wolves were down 40-16 after the first quarter tonight.  It's the only time a Minnesota team has been outscored by 24 points in one quarter.  Not counting Gopher football.  *rimshot*

7:20 - Bostick for three!  I'm telling you, he'd be the leading scorer in the Missouri Valley, not counting that dude from Drake.   

5:56 - Tie ball game at 21 after a Damian dunk.  That's two fantasy points, bitches.  And a Westbrook three gives the team the lead after a steal off the press that for some odd reason wasn't run at all against the turnover prone Spartans.  But we aren't allowed to question Tubby.  Forget I said that.

5:31 - Shurna dunk.  That's two fantasy points, bitches.

4:45 - By the way, if you haven't yet, check out the recruiting class Pastner is bringing in at Memphis next year.  It's so good that I am pretty sure I'm going to write a post about it at some point, but if you want a preview check it out.  It makes the Fab Five or this year's Kentucky class look like your typical Monson class (Minnesota, not Gonzaga).

4:15 - I have no idea what this offense is, but two Gophers just made the same cut, from the same spot to the same spot.  I'm going to assume that's not correct.

3:25 - Holy crap the Twins actually signed Thome?  Awesome.  I love this.  Snacks and I had a nice email conversation about this today.  They play Thome every 3rd game or so against righties (sitting Delmon and putting Kubes in left) and use him as a big bat late off the bench for anyone of their constant myriad of light-hitting infielders and it works very well, depending on price, which I haven't seen yet. 

3:00 - a bunch of steals and some points happened while I typed that.  Gophers now lead 31-23.

2:55 -  one year, $1.5 million with another $750k in possible incentives?  Freakin' steal.  I love this.  Please don't be old and suck.

1:00 - Carter misses another tip inside.  He's cursed.

0:45 - I see why Northwestern ranks so awful in getting their shots blocked on offense.  They just don't care who is around.  Any of those crazy white boys is willing to just take the shot at any time no matter who might be lurking.  Gotta be honest, not sure that's a winning strategy.

0:02.4 - Quote from Gardy "I don't expect him to come off the bench and be a .400 hitter. I expect him to come off the bench and be a threat," Gardenhire said. "He looks like stinkin' Babe Ruth. He swings like Babe Ruth. We've seen too many fly against us. Now let's see some fly for us."  I love it.  Let's let this moment be a philosophy shifter.

HALF - Gophers lead 33-25.  At this point you'd probably be thinking everything is going swimmingly.  Gophers lead by more than half of what they were favored by and really dominated the back half of the first half, so everybody be happy and dance and eat hot dogs.  Well guess what, Gomer?  We still haven't seen that queer little press, so let's not start making out with each other while the green guy watches from the corner just yet, k?

19:45 - There's the zone, and they work the ball inside and get an easy six-footer from DJ.  Beautiful.  Perfect, even.  Why can't I believe it'll be that way every time?

18:50 - Northwestern gets three shots that possession, which is embarrassing all by itself, but somehow airballs two of them.  I'm smelling rout.

17:49 - Ben Sheets got more than $8 million for one year?  Yamma hamma, it's fright night.  Interesting, and expensive, gamble, but say he is back to his old form and they can ship him out at the trade deadline to a contender?  Could be genius.  Probably not, but could be.

15:35 - Gophers handling the zone inexplicably well.  A lot of ball movement, good use of Ralph in the high-post (I'd bet he already has a season-high in assists this game, and a lot of penetrating the gaps (*thatswhatshesaid*)

15:05 - Gophers go with the second-unit crap, and for some reason Carmody pulls the zone off and goes back to man.  If ever a group of ballplayers was begging to be passively 1-3-1'd it's these guys.  Cobbs?  Williams?  Carter?  Bostick?  One ballhandler in the group and he's an overexciteable (yet full of promise) freshman.  And you want Iverson to play your high post?  If he doesn't end up scoring a bucket on an attempted lob pass at some point this year I'll be a monkey's uncle.

14:42 - Shurna heating up.  That's like 3 three pointers this half, and the lead is down to six.

13:41 - Bostick throws the lob to an open Williams that sails into about the 13th row.  When he is pulled, immediately, from the lineup Tubby calls him right over to talk - what do you say here?  Next possession and Hoffarber tries the lob to Williams and it's another misfire and another turnover.  See, now this is where you need to put a stop to this shit.  It's only a six-point lead, you can't be farting around like you're playing open gym against a bunch of guys in backwards hats who wear gold chains to play ball.  This needs to be a timeout/chewout situation.  He got Bostick out of there in a hurry, but golden boy Hoffarber is still in the game.  Could Tubby be a racist?  He did coach in the deep south, Oklahoma, and Kentucky.  I assume those are the three racist capitals of the world.  I think they got to Tubby.  It certainly explains a lot about why Busch played so many minutes last year.

12:18 - Fun rant and all, but it's now a four-point game.

12:04 - two point game after a Wildcat steal.  At least Tubby has the decency to call the timeout right away instead of waiting for the tv stoppage like a whole bunch of other idiots always do.

11:01 - Devoe and Johnson discuss who should guard "Juice" on the inbounds play, even pointing and making hand gestures.  Then they both leave him, giving him a wide open three-pointer without him even making a cut (or, actually, so much as a step) and he, of course, knocks it down to make it a 42-41 Gopher lead.  This team is going to kill me.  Literally knife me to death in my sleep.

10:05 - At least Ralphie is showing some aggression tonight, continuing to slowly develop into the player I always said he'd be before I turned my back on him a few weeks ago.  Bad fan?  Or master motivator?  Just because he's ignored my facebook friend request doesn't mean he doesn't read this blog every single day.

9:20 - Devoe throws it away against the 1-3-1 (7th team turnover of the half) and the Wildcats get the ball back down just two.  I'm afraid to watch.

8:29 - Alternating shitty possessions before Ralph gets open for a monster dunk.  He'll probably end up breaking a backboard at some point.  If Tiny Gallon can do it, why not Ralph?

7:57 - Carter misses a layup on the break.  I'm not even kidding.  That guy needs to go back to 6th grade gym class with Mr. Jones where he made you shoot layups over and over again, and then when he finally let you play three-on-three and you had to guard some massive girl who had six inches and sixty pounds on you would call you for a foul if you so much as hand-checked even a little.  And I swear it was just a handcheck, no hanky panky.  Although, now that I think about it, that might have been a golden opportunity.  God I was a dumb twelve-year old.

5:57 - Cobbs back in and Northwestern is once again in a man defense.  It's like they're scared of him.  Pretty sure the only entity that needs to fear Cobbs is the backboard.  Oh, and Juice hits a three right over him when he closes out weakly and lazily, and we're tied at 48.  They lose this I'm not going to a game the rest of the year, and it's time get after Tubby.  No joke.

5:08 - Shurna to the line after a DJ turnover.  My good buddy and occassional hockey guy Snake has a theory that Damian is on the take, and sometimes it seems to make sense.  For all the little things he does really well, he also does a whole lot of little things wrong.  Watch him carefully sometime, it's true.  Shurna makes 1.

4:45 - Hoff for three, Gophers by two.  I'm starting to think if Hoff was standing in Dinkytown taking volunteers to give him handies I'd be second in line (behind the Dawger.)

4:09 - Hoff for three again.  That's nine straight Gopher points for him.  I'm pretty sure I'd be first, and with a variety of lotions. 

3:15 - Lest you thought this was over, Nash hits a three, then a steal on a shitty Devoe pass leads to a Nash layup and we're back to a two point Gopher lead.  At least my Northwestern +10.5 looks good.  Unlike that shot Devoe just chucked up there that missed everything but the backboard.  Good lord does he clench at the end of close games.  I hope Corey doesn't have that same trait, or he's going to go to the podium to announce his decision and instead of saying "UCONN" he's going to blurt "UMASS."  It's funny cause UMASS sucks.

2:30 - Hoff for three on a great great great pass/decision by Westbrook on a play where I would have expected him to force his own shot.  Very impressed by that play.

2:20 - Terrible defense by Devoe, completely losing Shurna, but that was at least nullified by a nice DJ lay-in on yet another great pass by Ralph.  I knew this was going to the wire.  61-56 Gophers.  And we've seen our first "HOFFARBER FACTOR" graphic ever.  Congrats?

1:21 - According to "Chad Ford", Greg Monroe isn't a lottery pick this year.  That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  There are four good picks this year:  Monroe, Wall, Favors, and Turner.  Who wants to bet the Wolves end up at three or four, but take somebody like Ed Davis?  I'd bet anything.  Except my vodka.

1:21 - I just looked further (dont' worry, game is paused) and Ford has Monroe as the #23 prospect behind guys like UNC's John Henson, who looks like a 6-10 Tayshaun Prince, if Prince was scared of contact, and Willie Warren, who is too small to play the 2 and too shitty to play the point.  This is baffling to me.  I'm baffled.  I suppose I'm better off watching the end of the game instead.  But I'm terrified.  I almost want to just skip to the end.  I won't.  I can't.  I'm going to watch the whole thing because I'm strong.  I'm like the Sojourner Truth of gopher bloggers.

0:55 - Joseph misses a wide open three with the Gophers up three.  You cannot miss that shot when your #1 skill is three-point shooting.  You cannot.

15.6 - Northwestern gets a terrible shot and misses, rebound out of bounds to the Gophers, but not before Juice goes right by Joseph.  Thanks to terrible decision making he kicks it out instead of scoring somehow.  Looked a lot like somebody playing a video game and hittng the wrong button.  Whatever, we'll take it.

10.6 - Devoe misses the front-end, but Hoff snags the O-board and gets fouled.  Remember what I said above?  Double it.  Blake makes both and we're looking at the rare team win and wager win.  Nice.

3.5 - Juice hits a forty-footer and we're looking at a two point game.  Not even the Gophers can blow this, right?  RIGHT?

3.5 - I want you to know that Cartier Martin scored 20 tonight for Golden State.  Apparently anybody can put up huge numbers in that offense.  Suck it, Curry (and, by extension, Dawger).

3.0 - Westbrook free throw good.  Carmody timeout. Hoffarber montage.  Westy free throw.  Ballgame.

It wasn't exactly impressive, but at this point I'm not really looking for style points.  Just win the game.  And they did.  I'd write more but I'm tired.  This team is exhausting.