The Sandlot? On the Big Screen? Yes please.

Seriously you guys, this is pretty awesome.  Details below.  Don't forget to leave a comment with your favorite line from the flick to possibly win a free Blu-ray/DVD copy of maybe the best baseball movie of all-time.

The Sandlot” will be shown on the Target Field Jumbo Tron following the Minnesota Twins Game on May 19.  Director David M. Evans, as well as actors Chauncey Leopardi (Squints) and Patrick Renna (Ham) will be in attendance to sign autographs once the movie begins. Visit TwinsBaseball.com to purchase tickets.

 

ENTER TO WIN a copy of THE SANDLOT on DVD & Blu-Ray. Comment below on your favorite line from the film. One lucky winner will be chosen at random to receive a copy of THE SANDLOT on Blu-Ray & DVD, in stores now! 

Make sure when you leave your comment you identify yourself in some way so we don't have a bunch of cheaters trying to claim this sweet movie for themselves.  Or hopefully it's a cluster so I can just keep it for myself.

Gary Sinise is a terrible father (Live Movie Blog)

'Sup nerds?  It's been a while since I've done on of these, and the people seem to be clamoring for one, so it's time to fire up the Movie Live Blog-inator and watch some crap.  I think most of the recent ones I've done have either been about a giant something, a mix of two things, or a vs. type movie, so this time I'm going to go back to my cruel mistress - the shark.  That's right, we're going to watch Swamp Shark, which I assume is about a shark in the swamp and not about some kind of mutant monster something.  Which is good. Plus, Kristy Swanson.  Not when she was fat.  Or at least I assume not because who would put her in a movie?  Even a SyFy movie?  Nobody, that's who, so I'm betting she's hot again.  Let's find out!  The tension is so thick you could cut it with a Justin Morneau flail at a ball down and away in the dirt for strike three swing.

-  Whoa, D.B. Sweeney too?  This is like a murderous row of awesome people.  Naturally, I will be referring to him as Shoeless Joe throughout this movie.  And of course Swanson will be Buffy.

-  So we have water, alligators, black people, and harmonica music.  I'm going to guess the Bayou because of course.  All we need is a crawfish boil.  Or broil.  I'm not sure, what am I, cajun?

-  Speaking of cajun, you know what I hate?   When you look up a recipe to make cajun something or other and one of the main ingredients is "cajun spice".  WTF is that shit?  Anybody can dump "cajun seasoning" on something and call it cajun, I want to make it with real spices like paprika and cumin and coriander and stuff like it.  Bunch of lazy bastards.

-  The sign on the sheriff who just broke up the "Back to the Bayou" party's car says he is from Cypress Lake Parish and I'm pretty sure Louisiana is the only state that uses that weird parish thing so I'm sticking with Louisiana.  Also this sheriff seems shady and like he's up to no good, and not just because he's a minority.

-   This is a weird scene to describe, but some dude just showed up with a big tanker truck and told the sheriff "damn thing killed half my crew before I got it in the tank" and then "you pay me to find exotic animals so pay me" and then he did and then the thing in the tanker somehow made it fall off the truck where it rolled into the lake/sea/ocean/river and sank about five feet off shore into what must have been the world's steepest drop-off.  Then we saw a shark's dorsal fin swimming away.  Not an ideal start.

-  In a new wrinkle, Kristy Swanson, clearly the heroine, is the owner of a restaurant rather than a sheriff or game warden or anything along those lines.  This might be the first time that's happened in one of these.

-  The restaurant is gator themed.  I know this because they've said the word "gator" at least 30 times in the last 3 minutes.  And also they fed the gators some chicken.

-  They just arrested the gatorstraunt's bouncer for punching a belligerent drunk who swung first.  That can't be right.  Ah I see.  Sheriff guy is trying to get in Buffy's pants so he's putting the squeeze on her because the bouncer is her brother.  She agrees to a date (even though she has a boyfriend duh duh duh) and he lets the brother go.  I like the way this guy operates.  Pity usually works too, but black mail is pretty solid.

-  Went out for Snacks birthday dinner tonight.  Had a nice little filet mignon with roasted potatoes and a greek salad that had not nearly enough kalamata olives.  Went with the calamari and garlic bread for appetizers and I almost got my daughter to try calamari by telling her it was a mini onion ring but she didn't buy it probably because she watched the Octonauts all the time.  Pretty cool show.

-  Nighttime.  That same drunk from earlier, still drinking, is stumbling around on the docks.  Wonder what's going to happen.  Also I still don't know if this water is a lake or the ocean or something else.  THANKS FOR ALL THE INFO.

-  Oh and what appears to be a shark killed him by ramming the dock he was standing on because of course that's something sharks do.  Buffy heard the noise and went running out with a gun to protect I don't know something and for some reason she apparently sleeps in some kind of weird house dress or something a grandma from the 40s would wear.  Perfect opportunity to show off her sexiness and they blow it.  Thanks again, movie.  I mean yeah, she's a little bit older and a little bit heavier than her glory days of maxim and playboy, but she's still got it - or at least some of it.

These glory days.

-  So the shark ate Buffy's show gators.  And apparently this is a fresh water swamp because her boyfriend is making fun of her and telling her she's crazy and stupid and stuff like that.  Nice guy.  I have a crazy feeling she'll end up with Shoeless Joe.

-  The sheriff is laughing at her now too.  Nobody believes poor Buffy and her tales of the swamp shark.  Except for this one nerd who keeps saying "Bull Sharks can live in fresh water for up to 3 weeks" which is actually true and is really quite shocking because these movies never, ever get the science right.  Hopefully this actually turns out to be a bull shark (a bull shark that rams docks for no reason, but still a bull shark) rather than some kind of mutant or monster or something.

-  So, and this seems totally plausible, apparently her gators all had microchips implanted so she could know where they were at all times.  You know where you'd go to find out where the gators are?  Gator Locator Online, duh.

-  The chick playing Swanson's little sister looks exactly like what Kristy Swanson's little sister should look like.  Perfect casting.

-  Buffy, her a-hole boyfriend, and her gigantic brother are going shark hunting but then Shoeless Joe shows up with like a crossbow gun or something and says "I'm coming with you" and Buffy's like "no you aren't" so then Shoeless takes out his crossbow gun (like Chewbecca's thing but real) and turns and shoots a tree and everybody is impressed but there are like, a shit load of trees where they are and he never said which one he was shooting at so he could have just shot at random and hit a tree and they're like whoa.  Pretty smart on his part though.

-  This is absolutely awesome and hilarious and makes complete sense, all at the same time!  A triple threat.  Just like Elliott Elliason.

-  They found the transmitters but they aren't in the sharks belly anymore because apparently sharks crap which I suppose they must but man, I have to admit I've never really thought about it.  Then shoeless, Buffy, and the giant all take a shot at the shark while it's charging the boat because this shark is super rammy and stuff.  They all miss, to which Buffy says, "It didn't even flinch" which makes sense since it's a shark and thus doesn't have the brain capacity to understand the concept of guns so when you miss it's probably not really going to notice.  Then they left.  Yeah I don't know.

-  Uh oh, it's a party boat and everybody is drunk and making out.  You know what that means.

-  So this couple on the party boat "wanted more privacy" to go do it and their answer is to leave the huge party boat, which looks like it probably has tons of bedrooms, and steal somebody's row boat and do it in a super uncomfortable shitty boat.  Even though the chick is pretty hot I hope they get eaten out of stupidity.  Plus the black dude's name is Marcus.  Talk about stereotyping.

-  The shark rammed their boat.  This shark likes ramming things like a fat kid loves cake.

-  Shoeless fixed their boat which apparently got injured, while Buffy's boyfriend is some kind of pretty boy nancy pants with nice nails and good hair and side burns who probably has never fixed anything ever.  You see where this is going.  While Buffy just laid one on Shoeless that was like whoa so I guess we're all done with that subplot.  Except obviously the bitchy boyfriend is going to end up like, I don't know, telling the shark where Shoeless lives or something.

-  Sweet, there are sunflower seeds here and they're in the drawer right next to me, I don't have to get up or nothin'.  Feels like I won the lottery.  Speaking of the lottery, remember last season when I won 50 Gopher 5 tickets at the Northwestern game?  Well, you couldn't get more than 1 per visit to a place per day (I got 50 coupons for free tickets, not actually tickets) so I had to just keep getting them every time I stopped somewhere and I just kept them together and never checked them.  Then I lost them all not long after I cashed in the final coupon.  Found them today and checked them all on the website.  Total winnings?  Four dollars.  Thanks a lot, Obama.

-  Buffy's little sister has kind of a sweet ass.

-  And she's Gary Sinise's daughter.  Wow.  This is awkward.

-  The shark has "an armor-like exoskeleton" which means it's not a bull shark and once again we're looking at something stupid and fake and/or extinct.  Awesome.  Christ, I almost respect the movie that went with the goblin shark even though they got basically every single scientific fact wrong.  At least it was real.

-  Shoeless went for a drive and not only did he see the sheriff taking money from some shady guy (and have a sweet ass camera to take pictures of it) but he found half that row boat with half a dead body in it too.  That alone should get him in the Hall of Fame.

-  Back from commercial and we see a sign for "Gator Fest" being erected, which clearly sets this up for the good guys trying to get the festival canceled "because there's a shark out there" while the mayor and/or sheriff "can't possibly cancel do you have any idea how much money this means to the community."  Every time.

-  And, well, that'll do it right there.  The shark just jumped out of the water and bit the head off some deputy guy who was using his binoculars to spy on this couple having sex (no nudity because it's SyFy, of course).  Not that this movie was good, but it wasn't horrible.  This, however, is a bit much.

-  Oh no, Gary Sinise's daughter came to the party boat.  She is good, and they are bad.  This is terrible.  Does Gary know about this?  Does anybody know his phone number?  Is he on twitter?  Someone has to do something.

@garysinise YOUR DAUGHTER IS ON THE PARTY BOAT AND THERE IS A SHARK IN THE SWAMP!!!!
— Down with Goldy (@DownwithGoldy) February 16, 2013

-  Buffy and Shoeless are now viewing the remains of Marcus who got killed in the sexy row boat.  But they're viewing them in a hospital or morgue or somewhere official.  So how did a restaurant owner and former baseball player get access to these remains?  I know, it's stupid to pay any attention to logic or facts.  Also stupid?  Watching theses movies, period.

-  Apparently Shoeless is a "Fish and Game Official."  Well alright.

-  Holy fuck.  Holy shit you guys.  OMG.  This deputy is Wade Boggs.  THIS DEPUTY IS WADE MOTHER EFFING BOGGS.  I'm not kidding.  This is so awesome.

You think I'm kidding?

-  Man this is awesome.  They also just had the fight about wanting to cancel Gator Fest and NO YOU CAN'T cancel Gator Fest but I don't care Wade mother effing Boggs is in this movie.

-  Sinise's daughter tried to call Buffy for help because she wants off the party boat which is now drifting aimlessly around the swamp but the drunk dudes didn't much care for that because they threw her cell phone in the swamp which seems like a bit of an overreaction.  I'm glad she's trying to get someone to help though, because god knows that fucking bum Sinise isn't coming to her rescue.  Guy still hasn't responded to my tweet.  Nice father.

-  I got distracted a little bit but the guy who threw the cell phone in the water died.  And then Gary Sinise's daughter shot off her flair gun, which is probably just a desperate attempt to get her father to notice her.  I think it's the pole, next.

-  Oh my god Wade Boggs is speaking with a semi-cajun accent.  It's actually pretty terrible, but I don't care.  This is greatest thing ever.  This might be the greatest movie ever and they've only shown the shark once.  Maybe those things are correlated.

-  This ginger, who was the other dude on the party boat, reaches down to try to untangle the weeds that have entangled the teeny tiny motor that propels this giant boat and, because sharks hate that, the shark ate him.  Now there are only two people left on that boat and they're all women so you know they aren't getting out of there without some serious help.

-  And on cue, here are our heroes to rescue the girls without incident.  Or, it would have been without incident but, and you're never going to believe this, the shark rammed the boat and then ate the asshole boyfriend.  No one is sad, but Kristy Swanson has really busted out the cleavage here.  Wade Boggs approves.

-  Oh my god, Boggs and Shoeless just got in an argument about Lord Palmerstone and Pitt the Elder!!  No I'm just kidding, but that'd be pretty sweet.  Also I think they established that this is some kind of shark that came up from "the deepest part of the ocean."  No notice of the facts that if that was true it likely couldn't survive in shallow water, couldn't survive in fresh water, and no such shark has ever existed.  Normally that would piss me off pretty good, but you got Kristy Swanson and Wade Boggs here, so I'm cool with whatever, man.

-  For some reason Kristy Swanson's boobs have like, this giant M-16 looking thing.

-  The shark ate the corrupt sheriff because of course corrupt sheriff's can't live in these movies.  And it ate him by jumping onto land and eating his face off, so now it's like, wriggling around on shore for some reason.  This is really god damn stupid.

-  Somehow it's back in the water now.  I think we might be almost done.

-  Shoeless stands in the shallows with his fancy Chewbacca gun and cuts his own hand in order to get blood in the water to attract the shark.  Could have just stood on a dock or in a boat, shark'd come to you to get it's ramming fix.

-  So shoeless shoots the shark in the face, then while the shark just floats there and does nothing, he runs like 100 yards and throws his gun in the back of one of them cajun'y fan boat hover craft things and as the fan spins it pulls winds the rope and pulls the shark into the fan where it cuts it to pieces.  Like I said, pretty god damn stupid.

-  In short, that movie was completely terrible.  From a science perspective, an entertainment perspective, and a shark perspective it was an utter and colossal failure.  But it had Kristy Swanson, who I've always loved, the Shoeless Joe Guy, and Wade Boggs, plus I laughed for like 20 minutes at myself for tweeting Gary Sinise so I give it a solid B+.

Welcome to the Gophers Chuck Buggs (plus B10 preview, Bill Smith, and more!)

I'm not exactly sure when this happened but I just found out about it when I checked the Daily Gopher, but the Gopher basketball team signed PF Charles Buggs for 2012.  At first I all like "what the deuce?  another 3-star player and with the final 2012 scholarship?  This is lame-a-saurus rex."  But then I watched this:


Ohmygodyouguys.  The jump shot.  The body type.  The passing and ball-handling.  And the jump shot.  This is it.  This is what we've all been waiting for.  This is the next guy in the Kevin Garnett/Hakim Warrick/JaJuan Johnson line.  The face-up 4 with a killer jumpshot and perimeter skills who has the size and athleticism to also play in the paint.  This is it.  He's here.  Charles mother effing Buggs.

Here is how ESPN describes his strengths:

Strengths:
Charles is an exceptionally live-bodied face up four man for the next level. He's a graceful athlete with very quick reflexes and he's an elite leaper. Two-hand dunks with ease while also showing good touch with his jumper and in the lane. He changes ends very well plus he's an extremely intelligent kid who wants to be coached and get better. Doesn't really have any bad habits and there's a hunger about him to improve.

Oh.  my.  god.  Will some one please just come and hit me over the head so I can go into a coma until next year?  He was hurt a large part of his senior year which scared some teams off, but went to prep school and reclassified as a 2012 recruit and besides the Gophers, held offers from Arkansas, Clemson, Marquette, Seton Hall, and West Virginia among a couple others.  Sounds like a very talented kid who got hurt and kind of dropped off the recruiting map, and thanks to hard work by Tubby and staff (according to articles Tubby is the reason he's heading to Minnesota) could end up being a diamond in the rough.  Except he's probably going to be even better than a diamond.  He's going to be like a Burmese Ruby.

So pumped.  I haven't been this set up for disappointment since Antoine Broxsie transferred in.

-  I was going to do a preview of every big 10 team one at a time and try to get them done before the regular season starts but at this point that obviously isn't going to happen.  Instead here's a shorter preview style, and if you really want I have teams 6-12 broken down in greater detail in other posts on this very blog (links included)

12.  Penn State - Not only is Talor Battle gone, but so is everybody else.  I like Tim Frazier, a lot, but he's not the guy who can carry a team.  1 win would be a good season.

11.  Nebraska - At least they're good in football.

10.  Iowa - Some interesting talent and a good future, but this isn't their year yet.

9.  Indiana - Similar to Iowa, things seem to be moving in the right direction talent and recruiting wise, but they're at least a year away.

8.  Northwestern - I'm not falling for this again.  Not to mention that even though the Wildcats only lose 1 player, that player has been their starting point guard for 4 years.

7.  Wisconsin - It's certainly possible I'm underrating them for the 10th year in a row, but Jordan Taylor is due for a major regression to the mean season and I don't see anybody here who can pick up that slack.

6.  Purdue - Depending on Hummel (who looked good in the exhibition game I watched some of), they could be a lot better than this or a lot worse.  So many questions outside of Lewis Jackson that they're probably the toughest team to really get a read on.

5.  Minnesota - This feels about right.  If Sampson turns in a stellar senior year and somebody steps forward to not just play the point capably but to actually play well (will have to be Hollins) they could challenge for 2nd.  On the other hand, if Ralph is disinterested and nobody proves to be a Big 10 caliber point guard they could be looking at 8th.

4.  Illinois - They lose a lot off last year's squad, but getting rid of McCamey might be addition by subtraction and with Brandon Paul and D.J. Richardson they have two of the most talented wings in the entire conference.  Similar to the Gophers, someone will have to step up to play the point (they have a highly regarded freshman and a transfer from Bradley) and how that works will likely be the biggest factor in how good this team ends up being this year.

3.  Michigan - It's very sad to me that Darius Morris went pro because he rocked and he would probably vault Michigan up to the #2 spot with an outside chance at challenging for #1.  But, he did have a first round guarantee and probably wouldn't be moving up so there you go - even though they aren't playing.  The impressive thing is based on Beilein's recruiting lately it's likely we won't see them outside the top 5 for a while.

2.  Michigan State - I don't particularly feel confident about putting Sparty in second place here, but I can't really convince myself any of these other teams are better.  They should be a safe team this year, however, because Draymond Green is really flipping good, and the kind of player who can essentially guarantee your team won't go in the toilet.  Seriously if he doesn't have at least two triple-doubles this year I'll be shocked.

1.  Ohio State - Where even to begin?  Sullinger is back.  Buford is back and won't have to defer to Lighty.  Aaron Craft is about to become a monster, and they bring in one of the best classes in the country.  Again.  This dynasty is out of control.  Most sportsbooks have futures on conference winners right now and you can get Ohio State at -125.  Considering they're basically guaranteed to win it this year that's a freakin' bargain.

-  So I guess Bill Smith getting fired is a pretty big deal.  I'm having trouble making myself care about it but that's mainly because my brain is already in basketball mode with everything getting started.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very much in favor of the move.  I don't even have to try very hard and I can come up with a top 5 Bill Smith terrible moves list:  the Santana trade, the Delmon for Garza trade, the Hardy for nothing trade, Ramos for Capps, and spending a stupid amount of money to sign Nishioka.  I'm sure there are more (like getting rid of Billy Bullock so they could get a journeyman minor league reliever on the 40-man roster or whatever the details were) and I'm struggling to think of a single good move that was made during his tenure (I'm sure there were, I just can't come up with anythng).  So I'm pretty happy to have Ryan back.  It's not like he can do much worse.  Also does it mean I'm a bad person when I saw it come across the ESPN ticker that Wilson Ramos was kidnapped in Venezuela that my first though was "good thing they traded him"?  Probably, huh?  Say la vee.

And Away We Go

Remember how a while back I mentioned a trip my brother (Snacks) and I were taking my dad on, but couldn't reveal where because he reads this blog while beaming with pride and I didn't want to ruin the surprise?  Well we're leaving tomorrow, or today depending on when you're reading this, on a 7:10am flight to Boston.  We will spend two days there, including a game at Fenway of course, before renting a car.  Using said car we will drive the approximately four hours into the middle of nowhere that is Cooperstown which, of course, is home to the Baseball Hall of Fame.  That evening we will drive three quarters of the way to New York City (stopping for the night in Poughkeespie) where we will take in an afternoon Yankee game on Sunday, then returning home on Monday.

The best part is the old man has no idea where we're going.  My mom told me tonight that he is now convinced we are going to L.A. because both the Twins and Gophers are playing out there this weekend.  Of course, he forgets that if we did that we'd have to watch both the Twins and Gopher football and I can't imagine anybody subjecting themselves to that when they're trying to have "fun."  So it'll be pretty sweet.  He'll of course figure out we're going to Boston when we get to the airport, and I'm pretty sure after we spend two days there he'll think it's just a long weekend in Boston.  Then on Saturday we'll go get a car and head to Cooperstown and he'll be blown away since he always talks about going back (he took us there as kids).  

So that's Fenway Park, the Baseball Hall of Fame, and Yankee Stadium (better if it was the old one, but still) all in a four day span that includes 8 hours in a car.  Should be pretty freaking sweet.  I'm bringing the ole computer machine with me and hope to be able to find a little time to blog each day, possibly with pictures.  Stay tuned.

P.S.  I would be truly remiss if I didn't give a shout out to the ladies in our lives.  Not only does this take us all away from our families for five days but it's a significant financial outlay as well, and not once have any of them been anything but 100% supportive of this endeavor.  So thank you all.  We owe you big.

Trading Nothing for Nothing gets Nothing

Obviously the big news is that the Twins gave up on the world's largest Largemouth Bass, Delmon Young, and shipped him off to division rival Detroit.  I'm never a fan of trading someone when their value is at an all-time low, but I suppose when you combine lazy with malcontent and frustrating there's no guarantee that you're at the nadir no matter how much you feel like it must be.

On the other hand, the return for Delmon essentially equates to the proverbial bag of balls, and I'm just not sure that's the way to go, especially when you're trading a 26-year old who was once the top prospect in the game and finished 10th in MVP voting last year(no shtick) to a division rival.  There are about a million different ways this can backfire, but apparently the team has decided they would rather pursue signing both Cuddy and Kubel this offseason instead of getting any value out of trading Matt Garza.  Delmon was almost guaranteed to be criminally overpaid next year if they offered arbitration, so now instead we're looking at a likely overpaid Cuddy and Kubel.  I don't know.  Maybe that whole hometown discount thing might exist with these two.  Seems possible.

Anyway, I was going to break down Delmoney's stats and then talk about Cole Edina or whatever his name is that they got back, but it turns out I'm drunk and tired and really you're asking a lot here.  All you need to know is that you can't find Cole on any list of top prospects in the Tiger system anywhere, and they're a thin system.  I even found one that went to 40, and he's still not there.  So they almost literally gave him away.  Which, frankly, is pretty stupid.

The real problem for me though is I just have trouble caring.  I'm not really scared of Delmon.  I'm just not.  There's nothing about what I've seen from him in the last however many years that makes me think he's suddenly going to put it altogether.  Even the fact that he finished 10th in MVP balloting last year seems completely ludicrous to me.  He's never inspired confidence that he was putting it together, he just somehow had a good year.  To me he'll always be the swing at everything bumbling fielder he's always been.  Except for tonight, apparently, where he decided to hit a bomb off Liriano (like that's hard) and make a play in left that he's never made ever ever before.  So I just don't care.  I always trust Bill Smith and his eye for talent.

- Speaking of Bill Smith and his penchant for sucking at roster management, just how dreadful has Nishioka been?  Is there even one facet of his game that is remotely presentable right now?  He's like the fat girl with small boobs and a bitchy personality.  And the saddest part is that it was obvious to see.  If you aren't Ichiro or Hideki Matsui (and those were the two best players in Japanese history not named Oh) and you're coming over from Japan you're going to suck.  Kaz Matsui was terrible.  So Taguchi might have been worse.  Iwamura has been completely meh and Kosuke Fukudome is heading down the same path.  Remember Orestes Destrade?  He was a masher in Japan and was supposed to tip the balance of the league, and he was terrible.  Perhaps the biggest indictment on the Japanese League?  Guess who is tied for the single-season HR record in Japan and who holds the single season hit record?  Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes and Matt "Fucking" Murton.  Two dudes who were basically forced to retire from MLB because they sucked on a Tobertian level.

Yet the Twins paid billions of dollars to sign Yoshi.  Why, you may ask?  Because a .280 career hitter with minimal power suddenly had a career year by hitting .346 with minimal power - in a league where MATT MOTHERFUCKING MURTON hold a major hitting record.  Basically they signed the Brady Anderson of Japanese ball banking on him becoming J.J. Hardy when he has so far been worse than any single year Punto put up.  And at least Punto was an awesome fielder, while Nishi looks lost hitting, fielding, running, being in position, or knowing how many outs there are.  Honestly this team makes me want to quit baseball for life.  Where for art thou, Andy McPhail.  You never McPhailed in my heart.

-  Oh and the actual big news of the night is that Jim Thome hit his 600th home run, which is sadly a bit less holy shitty than it used to be.  He's still only the 8th guy to do so, and only the fifth to do it legally.  I don't want to get all caught up in the puritan steroid talk or anything, but there really is something refreshing about a dude like Thome.  I mean he's really not all that different from Matt Stairs, who I idolize.  He just did it more often and for longer.  Ok that isn't actually remotely true because for several years in the late 90s/early 00s Thome was a truly elite player.  In a way he's a compiler because he's been bombing them out for 21 seasons now, but it's not like he's been holding on like Pete Rose or Brett Favre or Al Pacino.  His OPS last season was actually the fourth best of his career.  The guy is basically completely bankrupt at running or fielding or not being old, but he can still crush the ball.  He's probably one of my ten favorite players of all-time, and if you remember this you just remember knowing it would be him.  Love the guy.  Congrats.

-  Moving on from the world's worst baseball team, let's talk about the world's best basketball team - the Minnesota Golden Gophers.  They're in another early season tournament, which is good, but this time they're the favorites with every single ESPN nerd picking them to win the Old Spice Classic.  And really you can't even argue with it.  They play DePaul in game 1, who is maybe the worst team in D-I history so suck it Krys Faber, and then in the semis they'd either see Texas Tech or Indiana State.  Unfortunately Tech just graduated everybody of relevance (from a bad team) and Indiana State is just pesky enough to possibly end up as a "bad loss" with no shot at becoming a "good win."  Then, if they make it to the championship game they'd either get Dayton, Wake, Ariz State, or Fairfeild, where Fairfield is probably the best choice but really nobody offers much upside.  It's a tournament where, no matter how well they do, they can't really win but could definitely lose.  Although based on this team's past I suppose third place could be considered upside.  Minnesota sports are awesome and  I love them.

-  Made some pretty awesome Teriyaki-Pineapple chicken drumsticks this weekend.  Need to use less Pineapple juice because it waters down the Teriyaki, but the sauce was stellar overall.  Try this:

1/3 c. Soy Sauce
1/3 c. Water (tempted to use Beef Broth here next time)
1/4 c. White Sugar
1 T Worchestershire Sauce
1 T White Vinegar
1 T Olive Oil
2 T Dried Onions
1 t garlic powder (could probably go a little more, maybe 2 t)
1/2 t ginger

Marinade Chicken overnight if possible, then dump the whole thing in a crock pot and cook on low for 5-6 hours. I used a full cup on pineapple juice but I'd cut down on that by at least half next time and probably add in some green pepper as well, but you're on your own here.  And even if you don't try this I can't stress more how awesome cooking chicken drumsticks (or wings) in a crockpot is.  They are like falling off the bones.  So awesome.

-  I lost 3 units this past week gambling on my baseball props.  Just the third losing week this season out of 13.  Still smarts. 

-  The best moment in this entire season of True Blood, outside of every Anna Paquin nude scene, was when Jessica killed Hoyt, and it might have been the best scene since season 1.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a hallucinatin/dream of Jessica's.  But what was awesome about it was that someone semi-meaningful died.  Hoyt isn't a top tier character and probably isn't even tier 2, but at least he's tier 3 and someone who has been around since Season 1.  Maybe I'm spoiled by Game of Thrones, the series and the books, but I like shit better when people who matter can/do die.  Season 1 of True Blood had both Grandma Stackhouse and Rene go down, and they were meaningful.  Since then has anybody of any import died?  You're telling me they couldn't kill of Tara or Andy Bellefleur?   It's just dumb now.  It's like watching Scooby Doo with boobs.

-   Finally, if you're looking for a Gopherhole type place for the Twins but less homery and dumb, dig on this site.  It's like talking Twins with the commenters on this blog, if only they were less retarded and weren't convinced Nick Blackburn was a star.  Big fan.

Manager of the Year

As sad and pathetic as it is there are actually psychopaths out there who truly believe Ron Gardenhire is a great manager.  Well to those of you who are out there I am sorry to tell you that a great big giant fist just ripped its way through the anus of your argument today, because Gardy started Ben Revere in right field tonight against the Red Sox.

Assuming you have heard of baseball you are no doubt aware that one of the main prerequisites for a right fielder is a good arm, owing to the fact that at times you'll have to make the throw from right field to third base - basically the longest throw in the game.  In fact I'd say the only prerequisite to playing right field is having a decent arm given the list of nearly immobile stiffs who've patrolled right in baseball history.  Instead tonight Gardy put Ben Revere out there, the player with one of the worst outfield arms in history and the guy who throws the ball in a way generally reserved for women, children, invalids, and Shannon Stewart.

And who was in left field, typically the outfield position given to the player with the worst arm?  Delmon Young.  Now, Delmon's arm will never be confused with Roberto Clemente or Carlos Gomez or that kid from that movie, but just watching the games you know his arm is far, far better than Revere's.  We can even go into nerd stats a bit to prove this, although full disclaimer:  I don't know how good these fielding stats are, but they're better than nothing.

According the the Arm Runs Above Average stat Delmon's arm has been that of a completely average outfielder this year, at 0.1 runs better than the average, and over his career his arm has actually been very good, mostly due to a couple of great throwing years in Tampa, including 2007 where he threw out an impressive 16 runners on the bases, all of which coming as a DUH DUH DUH right fielder. 

Revere's arm on the other hand has been 2 runs worse than average, meaning his arm alone has given teams 2 more runs than an average arm would so far this year, so you're looking that an arm that costs the team about 4 runs in a full season, and that's as a CF/LF (note:  he more than makes up for that with his range, but that's not what we're talking about).

So we have clear evidence, both quantitative as well as qualitative, that Revere has a terrible arm and much worse than Delmon Young.  So why would Revere play in right and Young in left?  I can think of two reasons, and neither is flattering for your favorite manager.

The first possibility is that Delmon Young said "I'm not comfortable playing Right Field" which doesn't make any sense because that was his main position when he was with Tampa.  It also doesn't make sense because when a player says "I don't want to do this" when it's something that clearly would help the team a good manager would say "Tough, do it or sit or be traded."  Since we've seen Gardy roll over like a frenchman in the past when it comes to letting the players run the team this is, unfortunately, a distinct possibility.

The other reason I can come up with is that Gardenhire is a moron.  You know how a lot of times in the past (and present) whenever he'd do the lineup if somebody was filling in for a regular he'd just put them in the same spot in the batting order?  So like, last year if Casilla was playing for Hudson he'd hit Casilla second even though it greatly weakened the lineup or Mike Redmond batted third a bunch of times when Mauer would sit?  I'm betting there is a good chance this is the same stupid crap.  Kubel would normally play RF but with a tough lefty on the mound he's sitting for Revere (who, by the way, is also left-handed and is hitting 73 points worse vs. lefties than Kubel this year).  So rather than do the smart, logical thing and shift Delmon to right and play Revere in left, he just plugs Revere into Kubel's outfield spot because apparently not only is shuffling a lineup similar to solving Fermat's Theorem, but changing around the outfield is akin to figuring out the alchemical fucking formula to turn lead into gold.

Honest to god.  So the two options are either the manager is incompetent and lazy, or spineless and stupid.  Manager of the Year though, and they can't take that away from him.  I looked it up.

- As long as I'm here I might as well tell you guys about the latest Danny Dan Gladdenism I heard on the radio, and no I have no idea why I've heard so much Twins radio this year, it's not like I'm a long haul trucker.  So about a week ago whoever the new announcer guy is brings up the Moneyball movie that's coming out.  Gladden says, and I'm paraphrasing here but the the same points remain, "Yeah I know about Moneyball, that book by Billy Beane.  I just don't think that kind of stuff works.  I'm not going to see that movie.  I didn't read the book and I'm not going to see the movie."

The book isn't by Beane, it's just about him, and he doesn't think "that kind of stuff" works but he never read the book and thus can't possibly know what it talks about other than "stats" which is not really the point of the book anyway.  Just a beautiful way to sum up Dan Gladden, and all of the staunchly "old school" guys who hate the idea that there are newer, more advanced stats that can help understand some parts of the game at a different level.  God I miss Fire Joe Morgan.

-  Lastly, take a look at these two rotations and tell me which you'd rather have.

Pitcher 1:   3.21 ERA, 1.19 WHIP, 3.75 K/BB
Pitcher 2:   4.71 ERA, 1.36 WHIP, 2.10 K/BB
Pitcher 3:   5.00 ERA, 1.48 WHIP, 1.47 K/BB
Pitcher 4:   4.58 ERA, 1.56 WHIP, 1.54 K/BB
Pitcher 5:   4.56 ERA, 1.44 WHIP, 2.23 K/BB

OR

Pitcher 1:   3.45 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, 2.40 K/BB
Pitcher 2:   3.56 ERA, 1.11 WHIP, 2.50 K/BB
Pitcher 3:   3.81 ERA, 1.30 WHIP, 2.88 K/BB
Pitcher 4:   3.72 ERA, 1.29 WHIP, 2.44 K/BB
Pitcher 5:   4.41 ERA, 1.42 WHIP, 2.34 K/BB

The first group is the current Twin rotation, the second group is Kyle Lohse, Matt Garza, Phil Humber, R.A. Dickey, and Livan Hernandez.  Isn't that the most saddest depressing thing you've ever heard?  Seriously if it wasn't for the tens of dollars I'm making from advertising on this site I'd burn it to the ground.  Through the computer or something.  I heard if you put a match in the USB port cool shit happens.

-  Lastly, and this time I mean lastly, I just want to mention that there is a already a sequel filming for the world's most awesome movie, and everything about it looks awesome.  From the name (Piranha 3dd) to the new additions to the cast (David Hasslehoff, the guy who plays Todd Packer on the office, and the incomparably insane Gary Busey) everything looks just right.  Usually sequels have a low % chance to be good, but the first one was so good as hitting everything you want in a creature/horror movie (hot chicks, boobs, gratuitous nudity, making the bad guy the true star, lots of killing, and creative deaths - second only to the Friday the 13ths here) that I totally trust them here and can't wait to see this.  Between this and Shark Night it's a banner year for killer fish movies.

Six Very Important Things from Last Night - 8/3/2011

Here are six very important things from last night.

1.  The Twins did a great impression of a team that can hit, beating the Angels 11-4.  Cuddyer hit two bombs, including a grand slam, Delmon somehow hit two as well, and Kubel lagged behind by only hitting one.  This now brings the Twins to 51-59, 8 games behind the Tigers, 4 behind Cleveland, and 1.5 behind the White Sox.  We all know they can't win the division now, right?  Good thing they moved the pieces that had value at the trade deadline to help rebuild a farm system that is pretty much in shambles.  And let's just go ahead and not start celebrating just yet, because they faced Joel Pineiro who has an ERA of 14.85 over his last four starts and has a career ERA of 4.76 against the Twins.  If they couldn't win this one, they can't win any of them.  And now Haren will probably throw a no-hitter tonight.

Anthony Swarzak picked up the win in relief, going 5 innings and allowing just one hit and proving that, as hard as it is to believe, he might be their only reliable pitcher right now.  I would have said Scott Baker before this, but he was pulled after throwing just 77 pitches last night. He had a 45-pitch fourth inning and didn't return afterwards, mentioning in an interview afterwards that you just can't recover from a 40-pitch inning which is the stupidest and babyist thing I've ever heard in my life.  Seriously, could this team be any softer?  Well, I guess they could, but then they'd be the Gopher basketball team. 


2.  Drunky McDrunkerson will be back catching passes from TD Jesus.  Worth noting due the local angle, in a move that only shocked the very naive Michael Floyd was reinstated by whoever the coach is at Notre Dame.  You may remember that Floyd was suspended indefinitely after his DUI in March, his third alcohol related issue since enrolling at South Bend.  Irish coach guy had said he would either play in every game this season or zero games this season because "a one or two game suspension would not solve the problem" but come on, which way did you think this was going to go?  Floyd is possibly the best receiver in the country and is about to break just about every Notre Dame receiving record - of course he's not going to sit out the year.  And, again, I'm just fine with him being reinstated - college kids do stupid stuff - but what I'm not so fine with is one of the reasons they say he's being reinstated is because he "changed his circle of friends."  So basically he sold out and turned his back on his friends.  Didn't anybody see Above the Rim?

3.  Speaking of movies, Bubba Smith died.  This is only slightly sports related, but Smith played pro football for the Colts and other teams it's relevant.  Of course he's probably more well known these days as Hightower from the Police Academy movies, however many there were.  I tell you what, Steve Guttenberg may have been the star, but there was nothing better than when Hightower used his ability to make crazy sound affect sounds from his mouth that would always fool the chief and/or the bad guys.  I still remember the first time I heard him, it took forever to convince me that those noises were really him and not computer generated.  He was pretty good doing that in Spaceballs too.  Unfortunately I can't find any clips on youtube for "Bubba Smith sound effects" or "Bubba Smith funny noises."  Anyway, rest in peace Bubba.  You were hilarious and talented.

4.  ESPN has started unveiling some of the brackets from the kick-off and holiday tournaments.  It seems worth discussing a little and I had originally planned to do a whole post on it, but it turns out my brain isn't on college basketball yet and I can barely remember who graduated from where or left early.  Some of the things that are interesting that I know enough to talk about are

• Can Long Beach win the Diamond Head Classic?  With their top 3 players back from a good team last year they have a shot.  They're probably the second best team in this thing behind Xavier.  Bad news - LBSU and Xavier play in round one.
• How good can St. John's be?  They have nine new players coming to replace 10 departees, with six of those newcomers ranking in the Rivals Top 150 for this year.  
• Northwestern should let us know early if they're going to contend for that elusive first ever NCAA bid.  The Charleston Classic isn't exactly loaded with talent and the Wildcats should bring home the title.  LSU, Seton Hall, VCU, and Georgia Tech all have the potential to upset, but Northwestern should be able to take this one down.  Emphasis on should.
• Will Vanderbilt dominate?  They have Jeffrey Taylor, John Jenkins, and Festus Ezeli all back from a good team last year.  Beating NC State and Texas would be a great start.
• How will new look Purdue handle no more college KG and no more E'Twaun?  How good will Robbie Hummel be?  And Purdue gets a hell of a test out of the gate in Puerto Rico, taking on Iona - a mid-major on a lot of people's "good mid-major teams" lists.

If you dig on this the way I do pay attention to ESPN, they'll be revealing all the in-season tournament matchups this week, including the Old Spice Classic which features your Minnesota Golden Gophers.


5.  What was your favorite "The Pirates might make the playoffs moment?"  After losing tonight to the Cubs 1-0 that's now their sixth straight loss and not only are they no longer leading the division but they're 6.5 back of Milwaukee, 3 back of St. Louis, and back under .500.  It was a nice fun story and they even made a couple of very smart moves to supplement the weaknesses on their team, but it goes to show you can't win without good pitching.  They've been walking a tightrope so thin it's like Kramer sliced it with his slicer and you can't even see it with a rotation that included Kevin Correia (career ERA 4.59), Jeff Karstens (4.36), James McDonald (3.99), Paul Maholm (4.32), and Charlie Morton (5.28).  You know sometimes the Twins drive you crazy because their whole rotation is a bunch of #3-#4 guys?  Well the Pirates have a bunch of #5 guys (Morton has maybe #3 upside someday) so when the hitting goes, the pitching won't/can't pick them up.  It's especially brutal to waste an excellent performance from Maholm.  They've taken major strides, but until some pitching arrives to go with a pretty good nucleus of batters they aren't going to be able to take that next step.

6.  ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod  Yes please.  Opening night.

Monday Musings - Who should the Twins trade?

I'll keep this short tonight since I kind of feel like crap, but I'm just lying on the coach watching the Twins game and the NBA game, so I might as well jot down a few thoughts as they occur in my brain.  First though:  you're telling me that Denard Span can golf a pitch up and over the right field wall but Mauer, Morneau, and even Kubel talk about how difficult it is to hit a ball out to right?  God I hate this team sometimes.  I swear 90% of the roster is a bunch of nancy little whiner girls.

-  I'm really excited for this Dallas/OKC game.  I'm probably going to spend more time watching them than the Twins, mainly because Pavano decided to throw batting practice again today.  It's so annoying when the pitchers decide to do that.  It's really too bad it seems to be a team mantra this season.

- Fairly crazy that Ed DeChellis is leaving Penn State to coach at Navy, no?  I mean, there are a million reasons to leave that job:  the program hasn't been good under him, he's basically losing his entire team from last year, and despite making the NCAA Tournament last year he wasn't offered an extension or given any assurance he'd remain the coach after what is guaranteed to be a terrible season.  So yes, I can understand leaving, but to go to Navy?  Not only a Patriot League team but a middle-of-the-road Patriot League team and a service academy?  That says an awful lot about the state of Penn State, and it's going to get worse before it gets better because based on the state of the program and the timing of this change they're going to have a hell of a time finding a good coach - or any coach, really.  Other than beating the Gophers in State College, I don't know that they'll win a Big Ten game, and will be lucky to get to 10 wins total on the year.

-  So let's assume the Twins don't make some kind of big comeback and are clearly out of it as we get to the trade deadline.  Who could/should they trade?

• Carl Pavano.  He may be very attractive to some teams because they'd get him for one and a half years - he's got another year after this one at a very affordable $8.5 million.  Not the top flight kind of arm that would put a team over the top, but he could help a team for a couple months down the stretch, and isn't part of the Twins' future.
• Kevin Slowey.  He may end up getting moved anyway because he's looking like the odd man out, but he would be an attractive pick-up for a team since he's under team control until 2014.  Of course, that may be the biggest reason the Twins won't trade him.
• Matt Capps.  He's making $7 million this year and definitely won't be resigned after this season, so he's almost a must trade once the Twins fall out of contention.  Someone desperate enough and foolish enough to be blinded by the "save" statistic to give up a mid-tier prospect (see last season.  Oof).
• Joe Nathan.  His contract next year is either for $12.5 million or the Twins can buy him out at $2.5, so he's likely going to get bought out and I'd expect the Twins to try to re-sign him at a cheaper number.  Why not move him, let some other team buy him out, then resign?  Question is, would anybody want him?
• Jason Kubel.  Lot's of decisions to be made in the outfield, and with Span entrenched and Revere and Benson the future there's probably only room for one, maybe two of Kubel, Cuddy, and Delmon in the future.  Kubel is the one I'd resign - he's a free agent after this year - but if his huge year so far continues he may price himself out of the Twins' range since they've sunk so much money into the two left-handed nancy boys.  Teams most valuable tradeable asset.
• Michael Cuddyer.  Also a free agent after this season, I have a sneaking feeling that the Twins don't want to let him go because of all the "little things" like playing multiple positions, leadership, and other undefinable gritty gamerish qualities.  Plus if Cuddy goes, who's going to make sure they get quoted in every single media piece on the team?
• Delmon Young.  The problem with trading Young is that I don't know how much value he actually has.  I'm curious as to what the perception around the league is, but personally I wouldn't trade much for him even if he still has another year under team control.  Personally I think if you find a buyer who is willing to give you anything you consider valuable, you do it.  And as I'm typing this he fouls a ball off his leg and reacts as if he's been shot.  Trade him.  Hate him.
• Jim Thome.  There's no reason for him to be on this team if they aren't going to compete for a playoff spot, either for the team (taking ABs away from younger players) or for him (wasting his time going no where).  Lots of contending teams could use a big left-handed bat on their bench, although I would be pretty shocked to see him go the National League so you're trade options are kind of limited.  Still, he could fetch a decent price.

So there's your list.  Not counting all the little minor chips and bullpen depth and crap.  Hopefully whoever it is they end up trading they at least get some decent players back.  Yep, that's what I have left to look forward to.  Hurray.

-  I've decided to become a huge Iowa State fan next basketball season.  200-1 to win the whole thing.  Get on it.

-  Finally, I leave you with this.  I can't decide if it's awesome or super duper awesome.

Thursday Things

Random thoughts on a Thursday evening, as I sit here with a couple of Coors Light tallboys.  No, I'm not abandoning your precious 6 things format, but I can't sit here just married to it, night after night.  I'm sorry I'm not like you and can't just have the same thing over and over, night after night.  Some of us need a little variety.  A little newness.  So settle down.

By the way, I have Friday off.  Do you? 

SUCKA MC!!

-  I'm sitting here watching Alexi Casilla flail away haplessly at yet another pitch, it strikes me that this Casilla/Tolbert combo must be one of the absolute worst offensive double-play combos of all time.  So let's play around with baseball-reference.

Casilla's career OPS+ is 68.  Tolbert's is 72.  According to BR, there have been 134 seasons where a player had an OPS+ of 72 or less while playing 2b 75% of the time and acquiring 500 plate appearances, and using those same parameters we come up with 238 shortstops.  The question is, did any of those 2b's play with an of those SS's, or, if they hit at their career averages, do the Twins have the worst offensive double play combination in history?

I'll save you some suspense.  I found 16 teams where the SS and 2B both had an OPS+ of 72 or worse, so the Casilla/Tolbert combination is only one of the 16 worst in history - not THE worst.  BUT.  14 of those come from pre-1980 teams.  Back when nobody even gave a crap if your middle infield could even hit the ball out of the infield as long as they could field their position well.  Since 1980, only two teams (2003 Dodgers with Alex Cora (67) and Cesar Izturis (60) and the 2007 Giants with Ray Durham (64) and Omar Vizquel (60)) had a worse hitting middle infield than the Twins.  So yes, in case anybody asks you can feel comfortable telling them this Twins combo is the third worst since 1980.  Comforting.

-  Speaking of shitty baseball players I'm really sick of Austin Jackson, who is on my fantasy team.  The guy has zero plate discipline and apparently almost zero ability to actually make contact when he swings.  Now I'm not against strikeouts per se, despite their being fascist, but when you have a player who strikes out a ton you expect to get a little bit of power along with it.  Not so with Mr. Jackson, who struck out 170 times last year while countering with just four home runs (and this year he's at 24 to 1).  Bizarre, right?  Let's check Mr. Baseball-Reference again.

Prior to Jackson last year, the fewest home runs hit by a player with 170 strikeouts or more was 13 by Jose Hernandez in 2003.  Next fewest was Mark Bellhorn with 17 in 2004, then Curtis Granderson's 19 in 2006.  The fewest home runs by a player with 160 strikeouts was Mickey Tettleton with 15 in 1990.  150 strikeouts was Delino DeShields with 10 in 1991.  In fact, the most strikeouts by a player with 4 or less home runs was Michael Bourn, who struck out 140 times with just 3 home runs in 2009.  Simply put, Jackson is about to become the world's greatest strikeout artist with no power, because he's going to pretty much repeat last season's numbers.  Only 8 players have ever hit five or less home runs while striking out at least 125 times, including that illustrious firecracker Vince Coleman, and only Gary Pettis has done it twice.  Can Jackson match the feat of Gary George Pettis?  It's exciting, isn't it?

-  I'm pretty sure if there's a heaven, at least one of the main rivers is made up of Buffalo Wild Wing's Spicy Garlic sauce.  Not their version of the Nile or the Amazon or the Mississippi, because those are probably reserved for booze, but maybe like the Congo or the Mekong.

-  Former Twin Kyle Lohse pitched a hell of a game today, specifically a 2-hit shutout.  I was going to write more about it but really who the hell cares?  He's a completely average pitcher who occasionally has moments of brilliance, like today, just like he was 10 years ago or whatever on the Twins and just like ten million other pitchers in the major leagues.  God he's so boring.  He's like the pitcher version of a MASH episode.

-  Jesus christ is Parks and Recreation funny.  Community is awfully good too, but there's nothing better than Parks and Rec right now.  It's knock it out of the park funny every time.  I think the five funniest characters in tv history are Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Tom Haverford, Rob Lowe's character, and Bill Haverchuck.  Four of them are from Parks and Rec.  And Andy Dwyer is a runner-up, and we haven't even gotten to comedic genius Amy Poehler yet.  Really, if you're not watching this show you're a god damn idiot.

- How does Chris Bosh only get 6 rebounds in 41 minutes?  Both Wade and LeBron grabbed more rebounds than him, when really his biggest role on that team should be "rebound getter guy."  Ugh.  He's so lame.

-  ohmygodohmygodohmygod you guys I am so freaking excited right now.  Mrs. W just showed me a video (settle down, pervs) of a movie coming out this summer from SyFy called Swamp Shark about, well, a shark in a swamp.  It stars D.B. "shoeless joe" Sweeney and Kristy "hotter than fire or at least I used to be" Swanson (who was also in Red Water which I desperately want to blog but is apparently never ever ever replayed on tv even though it had Coolio as an evil mastermind in it) which is simply an awesome pairing of two awesome people.  I don't know if I could come up with a better male and female lead for a crappy SyFy shark movie.  I'm like Jessie Spano on caffeine pills right now.  Here's the trailer but I want to warn you - you're going to end up with a boner.



Also I think we should all think of Kristy Swanson like this:

And pay no attention to any pictures of her from the last few years because hey, sometimes life gets in the way of being hot.  I'm sure she'll bring her A game for Swamp Shark.  I mean, she'd have to in order to beat out all the other actresses who were no doubt clamoring for that role.

-  So I came up with this formula to calculate how likely a player is to get a hit in any given at-bat against a pitcher and using that info can calculate games where a  player is particularly unlikely to get a hit and then wager on such, usually at a 2-to-1 payout or so if they don't.  I have to tell you it's nerve-wracking, especially when some dickhole (F you Melky Cabrera and Dan Uggla) is hitless all game and then gets one in the ninth.  Like right now I just watched a relatively meaningless Ryan Howard at-bat, but because I have him to get NO hit at +170 I was riveted, even though it's the 4th inning.  It's good, and it's bad.

-  Speaking of gambling, here are my season futures this year:

• Jayson Werth OVER 21.5 home runs
• Joakim Soria OVER 34.5 saves
• Mark Reynolds OVER 30.5 home runs
• Nelson Cruz OVER 27.5 home runs
• Jayson Heyward UNDER 23.5 home runs
• Adam Dunn OVER 35.5 home runs
• Ryan Zimmerman OVER 26.5 home runs
• Carlos Pena OVER 27.5 home runs
• Jose Bautista OVER 29.5 home runs
• Shin Soo Choo OVER 156.5 hits
• Justin Verlander OVER 15.5 wins
• Joe Mauer OVER 164.5 hits
• Ichiro OVER 197.5 hits
• Josh Johnson OVER 13.5 wins
• David Price OVER 15.5 wins
• Clayton Kershaw OVER 13.5 wins
• Clay Buchholz OVER 14.5 wins
• Troy Tulowitzki OVER 28.5 home runs
• Phillies UNDER 96.5 wins
• Marlins OVER 82.5 wins
• Red Sox UNDER 96.5 wins
• Cubs OVER 82.5 wins
• A's OVER 83.5 wins
• Orioles UNDER 77.5 wins

What?  No, YOU have a problem.

-  Oh crap I guess I should mention something here about Colton Iverson transferring to Colorado State.  So here, "Colton Iverson is transferring to Colorado State."  I can't think of anything else to write.  I'd rather have him here than there, but if you were to ask me if I care I'm not entirely sure I could even muster a "meh."  Maybe just a "m".  

-  I know Christina Aguilera has put on some weight lately, but I have to be honest with you - all the reports of her becoming a total drunk mess have me bumping her up in my rankings, extra weight or not.

-  You know what's a great snack mix?  Corn nuts and soy nuts.  Outstanding.  Throw some sunflower seeds in there and you have a little bit of heaven.

-  Finally, I started reading Sid Hartman's latest column on startribune.com, and I just can't resist.  Let's break this down a little bit, Sid's writings in bold.

The Vikings seem to have a strong interest in securing a veteran quarterback once the NFL lockout ends.

I'm not entirely certain, but the fact that the QBs on the roster are Joe Webb, Patrick Ramsey, and Rhett Bomar make it seem like they may need somebody else

It also might be possible the Vikings and Redskins have had some conversations about a deal for 34-year-old quarterback Donovan McNabb, who definitely won't be a member of his current team once play resumes.

I'm definitely not saying anything with any certainty but possibly maybe it could be in the realm of existence that the Vikings have talked to the Redskins about Donovan McNabb.  I think I read that somewhere.

Of course, no deals can be made while the lockout is in progress, but I don't know if there is any rule against the clubs talking about making a deal.

I don't know if there are any rules against it, and this paper for some reason has a strict policy against looking things up or even asking someone who might know the answer.  Of course, to do either of those things I'd have to figure out this computating machine or the communication device on my desk.

One reason why McNabb might be the veteran quarterback the team will sign is because Vikings coach Leslie Frazier is personally familiar with McNabb. Frazier was a defensive assistant with the Eagles from 1999 to 2002, when McNabb was in his prime.

Way back in 2002, back when the Patriots were a Super Bowl underdog, the New Jersey Nets made the NBA Finals, the Indiana Hoosiers made the Final Four, and Mike Tyson still held a championship belt.  But I'm assuming with Frazier being on board, McNabb should be about the same player he was back then.

Last season, Shanahan's first year as the Redskins coach, McNabb played in 13 games, completed 275 of 472 passes for 3,377 yards, a 58.3 completion percentage and an average of 7.2 yards per attempt. He threw for 14 touchdowns, 15 interceptions and a 77.1 passer rating.

AAAh numbers!  What are you, some kind of nerd?  Sports aren't played by computers or numbers or stats, they're played by people.  And Donovan McNabb is a people.

The big problem might be McNabb's contract, which calls for the Redskins to pick up McNabb's $10 million option if he is on the Redskins' 53-man roster the day after the first regular-season game. McNabb's base salary for the 2011 season, if it is played, is reported to be $2.5 million, but jumps to $12.75 million in 2012.

My head hurts.

I'm sure the Vikings would not deal for McNabb unless they could redo his contract. They are not going to pay that kind of money to a 34-year-old quarterback who is at the tail end of his career.

Sounds like a dare.

ESPN correspondent Adam Schefter wrote on Twitter on Saturday that he "believes McNabb would like to play for the Vikings" next year.

What's twitter?  Is that on the computationalator?

No doubt the plan is to sign a veteran quarterback, draft another and try to develop Joe Webb into the future starter.

What happened to all this "I'm not entirely certain" talk?  Now we've moved to no doubt?

Jerry Kill continues to coach the Gophers football team without a contract. Apparently University of Minnesota lawyers and Kill's agent can't agree on some of the clauses in the contract.

And I absolutely refuse to expound on this further.  I know stuff and you don't.  Neener neener neener.

Basketball coach Tubby Smith's lawyers still are trying to reach an agreement on an extension. Baseball coach John Anderson, who won the Big Ten title a year ago and advanced to the NCAA tournament, is operating on his old contract without any new negotiations taking place.

This is the part where I don't know where I am and forgot what I'm supposed to be writing about.  Since I just re-read the thing about the Gopher football coach, I'm just going to mention the only other two Gopher coaches whose names I remember.

Former Twins shortstop Orlando Cabrera is one of the big reasons for the Cleveland Indians' early success and first-place standing in the American League Central entering Wednesday's games. The 36-year-old is hitting .262, and his 11 RBI is second on the team. He's also hit two home runs this season after hitting five in all of 2009 for the Twins and four for Cincinnati last year. 

He's hitting .257, has walked all of twice in 72 plate appearances, and outside of those two precious home runs has one extra base hit.  His OPS+ of 86 actually says he's been a significantly below average hitter this year, equivalent to what Michael Cuddyer has done for the Twins so far this year (pre-tonight's home run).  But keep clinging to those 11 RBI, which are more a product of hitting behind Travis Hafner, Carlos Santana, and Michael Brantley - all of whom can't stop getting on base.  And how dare he hit more home runs for Cleveland than for the Twins.  He'll never work in this town again.

... Jon Rauch, who the Twins declined to keep after the 2010 season and instead signed a $3.5 million deal with Toronto, is 1-1 with a 2.35 ERA and three saves for the Blue Jays.

He also has a 5/4 strikeout-to-walk ratio and an insanely lucky BABIP.  He sucks.  And is lucky.

Another pair of relievers the Twins let go last winter are doing well with their new teams. Jesse Crain has been fantastic for the Chicago White Sox, posting an 0-1 record and a 1.93 ERA in 9 1/3 innings pitched, with 11 strikeouts and only two walks. 

And has been a huge part of two bullpen meltdowns that lead to Sox's losses.

Former Twins utility player Nick Punto appeared in his first game of the season for the St. Louis Cardinals on Wednesday, taking a walk as a pinch hitter in the sixth inning. Punto had been on the disabled list because of a sports hernia.

A real tough-guy, hard-nosed, gritty, hustley, gamer injury probably suffered by sliding into first base.

 ... J.J. Hardy, who was hurt a great deal in his one season with the Twins last year, has been placed on the 15-day disabled list by the Baltimore Orioles because of a muscle strain. Hardy was off to a somewhat slow start for the Orioles, hitting .200 (3-for-15) through six games, but all three hits were doubles.

Not a gamer.  Pussy.

Happy Birthday Wonderbaby!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WONDERBABY^TM!!! Those of you who have been with this blog for a long time might even remember her being born.  In any case, I've posted pictures of her here and there, and have maybe included a story or two, but really I just can't believe she's three years old already.   She's the smartest, prettiest, and most athletic three-year old in her preschool (that's not just bragging, the teachers have told us such), and I love every minute I get to spend with her, even when she's throwing tantrums because she wants candy or making me watch Shrek or Toy Story for the 8 billionth time.  Here's the latest picture of the world's most perfect child:

Jealous?


Lastly, for those who know some of the characters who frequent this blog, I want you to know that Dawger, Snake, and Bogart are all huge jerks.  Thank you and good night.

Six Very Important Things this Morning 8.17.2010

1.  In Gopher Football talk, this sucks.  According to whoever runs the Pioneer Press's Gopher twitter, MarQueis Gray spent the day playing WR for the Gophers, which I would assume means he won't be playing QB and we're stuck with Adam Weber again, but this time sans security blanket.  That leads to an upside of a mid-tier bowl, with a downside of zero bowl.  I've talked here about how I love what Fred Hoiberg is doing to try to turn Iowa State around by taking big risks, and I think that's where the Gophers need to go if they want a shot at relevance.  The best way to go about that is to scrap whatever kind of boring typical offense they're running and go with something more interesting.

The spread would have been an option (which Brewster has already killed), as would the wishbone (no chance), but my favorite option is to take the ball and give it to an incredible athlete with some QB experience in his background and turn him loose.  If only they could find somebody like that somewhere.  And if he was ranked as the 3rd best dual threat QB in his high school class, that would be even better.  But how could the Gophers ever land somebody like that?  I guess it's a pipe dream.


2.  No, not that kind of punchout.  In news that sucks for Mets' fans and Francisco Rodriguez fantasy owners, K-Rod is going to miss the rest of the season after injuring his thumb punching out either his father-in-law, girlfriend's father, or baby mama's father depending on which article you read.  Of course, that's not really the important part, the important part is that an ace reliever is going to miss the rest of the season after punching an old man who ended up in the hospital with (a lump on his head and scratches on his face.)  Is it just me here, or does it kind of sound like K-Rod fights like how I imagine Nick Punto probably fights.

3.  Since we're talking domestic violence, how about "Born Ready?"  I feel sad, because Lance "Born Ready" Stephenson was one of my favorite players last year.  Not because of his play, which kind of alternated between disinterested, ballhog, and unstoppable star, but because of his potential.  If he could harness himself a little better, focus more, and stay in control he could have been an absolute beast for Cincy.  Instead he turned pro, got drafted by the Pacers in the mid-first round, had an excellent summer league, and then threw his girlfriend down the stairs and slammed her head into said stairs after she was done rolling.  That's not domestic violence, that's like, a whole new level.  I think I saw Steven Seagal pull that move on Gary Busey in Under Siege.  Awesome then, just like that entire movie.  Not so awesome here.

4.  I wonder how this will turn out.  As of this writing (it's 10:30pm) #1 overall pick Bryce Harper had exactly a half hour to sign with the Nationals.  If he doesn't the Nats lose his rights and he would go back into the draft next year following another year of college ball.  There is, of course, no way that this will happen, because this is the guy who dropped out of high school after his sophomore year so he could get his GED, get started in JuCo ball and get drafted as soon as possible.  Everything this kid has done has been geared towards getting him into the Major Leagues, there is no way he's going to set the clock back an entire year over what is basically peanuts compared to his potential earnings.  Then again, douchebags who wear war paint eye black and get habitually tossed from games for arguing with umpires aren't exactly known for making sound decisions. 

[UPDATE:  He signed.  SHOCKER.]

5.  Shawn Marcum almost pitched a no-hitter against Oakland.  But that's no the exciting part since we are learning that the A's can't hit even a little bit.  The exciting news was that I saw, with m own two eyes, Boof Bonser on the hill for Oakland.  He looked awfully familiar, still featuring a low-nineties fastball, a lollipop slow curve, and an incredibly hittable slider, all to go along with a general lack of ability to hit his spots.  He threw two decent innings, allowing no runs on 3 hits and striking out one and lowering his season ERA to 7.20 and his WHIP to a terrifying 2.40. 

He's only pitched on four occasions this year:  June 9th with the Red Sox when he got destroyed and didn't get an out, June 11th with the Sox when he got knocked around the yard, then August 6th with Oakland when he pitched a good inning, and finally last night.  He's actually put up pretty awful numbers in the minors this year as well so I'm not really sure what Oakland is doing exactly, but I'm rooting for him for what it's worth.     

6.  This would be so awesome.  I've talked about a similar idea here before, but four top Indiana hoops programs are getting together to create the Crossroads Classic, where Indiana, Notre Dame, Purdue, and Butler will combined to play a doubleheader in both 2011 and 2012 at Conseco Fieldhouse.  Very cool.  My idea is some sort of Mid-West Classic tournament, say the Gophers, Iowa State, a Missouri Valley team, and either a MAC, OVC, or Horizon League team and just play a four-team tournament, alternating hosts each year between the Gophers and Cyclones.  Some years you could invite really good teams (Northern Iowa, Butler, etc.) and other years you could go further down the list.  I think this would rock.  But of course, since it's fun and awesome it will never happen since athletic directors and presidents hate fun.


As far as some site/personal news goes, Wonderbaby 2.0 will be arriving today at approximately 11:30am.  As such, posting may (or may not) be far more sporadic for a while.  I'll do my best to post as often as time and energy permits, but just know that you might not get a post every day for a while.  No, stop crying.  Come on.  You're embarrassing yourself.  Your co-workers are looking at you.  You're so ugly when you cry. 

Freeeeeeeeedddoooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

In excellent, excellent news today, it was announced that Trevor Mbakwe would enter a pre-trial intervention program, finally ending our long national nightmare of this obvious frame job. 

What that means is that Mbakwe agrees to do a small amount of community service, pay a small fine, and the charges are dropped.  No record, no trial, no nothing.  Perform these simple tasks, and he gets to go on with his life.  Seems like a no-brainer, but some of the reaction I read today tended towards the negative.  Questions arose such as "Why would he agree to this if he was actually innocent?" or "Isn't this an admission of some guilt?"

To these people I ask, "Are you a complete god damned moron?"  How anybody can see this as an admission of guilt is beyond me. Other than the fact that, you know, it's explicitly stated it's not an admission of guilt, haven't you paid attention throughout this ordeal? It's gone on and on and on, despite Mbakwe's continued claims that he is innocent, and has dragged on long enough that he missed an entire year of his basketball career, and he hasn't even gotten to trial.

With an option in front of him where he merely has to pay a small fine and do some community service, ends up with a clean record, and gets to move on with his life, not to mention play basketball, I'm guessing he jumped at the chance to sign up for this. I would have to. Hell, anybody of sound mind would have.  It's pretty simple:  a slight inconvenience and you can move on with your life or a massive inconvenience and you can maybe move on with your life, but it would be at a later date, or you might not get to move on and things will just get worse for you.

Sorry, but anybody not meeting this news with a smile should probably shift their interests towards something more clean like college swimming or maybe volleyball.

Of course, two questions remained:  Would the U let him back on the team and would he still want to be here? 

Question #1 was answered right around 5pm tonight, when it was announced that Mbakwe was reinstated and eligible to play for the Gophers this season.  So now, barring Tubby doing something weird, Mbakwe will be welcomed back with open arms and be eligible to begin practicing soon (I thought I heard the 20th) and will be able to travel with the team on their Canada trip.  The bigger question is if he wants to still be here, or does he want to play for Memphis.  It seems the feeling is he wants to be a Gopher, both locally and from his lawyer down in Florida, but it's in his hands.  He would likely have to sit out yet another year to play for Memphis, so odds are he's coming to the Barn.

And that is news that could not have me more excited.  I have heard so much about him and how good he has looked in practices and summer league that at this point I am expecting nothing less than Patrick Ewing-type domination (the good version from Georgetown, not the sissy jump shooter from the Knicks).  Even if it turns out his offensive game is little more than dunking back offensive rebounds he should be big and strong enough to get plenty of opportunities to do just that, and his size and strength will allow Ralph to spend more time doing what he does best, mincing about outside the paint. 

Now I love Ralph and think he's a good bet for Big Ten Player of the Year in two years, but I wouldn't list a strength of his as "banging in the paint."  That's what Iverson was for, but Mbakwe should be bigger, stronger, blacker, and tougher than Colt.  Really, I'm sure I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but this is basically what I expect out of Trevor this year:



Can we please call him Reign Man II?

And in closing, I'd like to leave you with a little bit of a transcript from Mbakwe's hearing that I obtained from a confidential informant:

Mbakwe:  I got mind control over Deebo.  He be like, "shut the fuck up" so I be quiet.  But when he leave, I be talkin' again.  What chain?