Gophers' Kick-Off The Season

I was considering making this a live blog of the Gopher/UNLV tilt, but there area few issues with that:

1.  I don't care enough about the Gopher football team to write about it exclusively, even in one post.  Honestly off the top of my head right now I can name exactly one player, MarQueis Gray, and that's probably only because his name is so sweet.  It's not that I never watch the team.  I probably go to 2-3 games a year at TCF Bank and watch a handful more on the tv.  It's not appointment viewing like the hoops team, but if I'm home and they're playing I'm watching.  The problem is that every time I watch a game I immediately forget every player whose name I learned.  Plus the Gophers are always so shitty that nobody is ever good enough to notice until they get to their senior year, and then they're gone.  So it's really not my fault.

2.  The game starts way to late for an old man who doesn't care.  I don't want to start a live blog and then end up bailing at halftime because I passed out fell asleep. 

Instead, I will watch the game and may write a thing or maybe two things or maybe more.  I don't know.  What am I, Kreskin?

Naturally, to make the game interesting I am involved in some wagering.  I have the Gophers -2.5 as the third leg of a three-team, six-point teaser with Vandy already having hit (need BYU to win by 5.5 or more as well to win this), OVER 52 total points, OVER 25.5 total points first half, Gray OVER 11 completions, and whoever UNLV's boner running back is over 69.5 rush yds.  Should be a hoot.  As Jack Napier once asked, "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

-  Great, it's 10:02 and I still haven't found the game because it's on some weird channel.  I assumed I'd be able to handle this.

-  BOOM!  I'm there and I didn't miss a minute of action.  Although I'm guessing that's not necessarily a positive thing.

-  Troy Stoudermire is still on this team?  This has gotta be like, year 7.  He's stuck around college longer than older brothers Damon and Salim combined at this point.

-  UNLV just picked off Gray in the redzone on a batted ball that was only batted because Gray threw the ball so directly to a linebacker on the Rebels that he was too stunned to actually catch it.  And this on the same drive where Gray missed a wide open guy for a TD a few plays after missing a wide open guy for a first down.  Gonna be a long year.

-  Seriously remember how like, when Glen Mason was here he'd get your hopes built up that maybe this Gopher team was different before ripping your heart out midseason in some gruesome, Mola Ram style?  It's nice to not have to deal with that anymore.

-  Good thing the Rebels are terrible.  Field Goal.

-  Official Gopher basketball schedule was released today and there's really no way to sugarcoat this - it's freaking awful.  Gopher Nation spent more time on it here than I'm going to, but basically even though the overall non-conference schedule is good (Duke and likely two other quality teams in the Battle for Atlantis and a trip to Florida State) but the home slate is awful.  Check it:

• American - a powerhouse in the Patriot, but likely staring at a down year.  Terrible.
• Toledo - terrible
• Tennessee State - a top tier team from a bottom tier conference.  Not an NCAA Team, but sadly probably the second best home opponent.
• Richmond - a mid tier team from a mid tier conference.  And that's strong praise for this slate.
• North Florida - terrible
• South Dakota State - best home NC opponent by a significant margin, yet still the kind of team that has to win their conference tournament to make the NCAA tourny
• North Dakota State - terrible
• Lafayette - terrible

Oof.   Gopher Nation (at the link above) does a nice job of spinning seven of the eight games (you can't spin the Lafayette game) and if you're optimistic you can actually make an argument for Toldeo and NDSU being better than terrible, but really this is awful.  The U is basically stealing money from season ticket holders with this crap.  Richmond, in a down year, should not be a highlight of the home NC schedule for your fans.  Gross.

-  Wow this is absolutely terrible.  The Gophers have punted like twice or something and UNLV can't really do anything.  Pretty sure the Vikings are going to win more games.

-  Jesus this is just like watching a Twins/Royals game.

-  Gray with three completions in the first quarter, which is technically on pace to cover my "OVER 11 Completions" bet.  Not on pace?  The over 25.5 first half and over 52 game.  It's 3-0.  And I think it's actually been worse than that so far.  No chance I'm getting to a second half.

-  Is there anything better than a d-back picking up a clearly incomplete pass and starting to run it back as if it was a fumble?  No.  There's not.

-  If Gray and this UNLV QB guy had a contest where the balls were actually rigged so if they hit a live person they'd explode and you had to stand there and let them throw at you from 10 yards away you'd die of old age.  Or boredom.

-  Do you want to know what sucks about the Twins' training staff's complete inability to diagnosis, recognize, or treat any kind of injury?  Besides of course making it take longer from injury date to return date on guys like Kyle Gibson?  If Matt Capps and/or Carl Pavano were healthy these last 9 months or whatever and actually pitching the Twins could get value out of them.  If they held on to them all year and they were at least not totally putrid they could do that thing where you offer arbitration, then when they signed multi-year deals elsewhere the Twins would get draft picks or, to be safer because god knows you don't want Capps to sign anything to stay on your team, just trade them.  Assuming Pavano was doing his usual 200 innings, 4.50 ERA thing you know somebody'd give up something for him.  And Capps?  Even though he sucks he could be great Dodger bait right now.

The Dodgers' closer, Kenley Jansen, was just shut down indefinitely because of a heart condition.  This is a team so desperate to win and win now they took on a shitload of possibly dead money just to acquire a slugging first baseman (and a disgruntled pitcher) and gave up a couple quality pitching prospects for the privilege.  You're telling me at this point they're not panicking?  That they wouldn't overpay to get a "known closer" with 150 career saves (which he'd have if he pitched all year) and who had 42 just two seasons ago?  I mean, yeah he sucks, but teams are idiots about the save statistic, and team's who are panicking are even dumber.  Then add in their desperation to win and keep relevant compared to the Angels, the billions they falling out of their asses, and "shiny new toy" syndrome the new owners are falling prey too and you know the Twins could fleece them.  Well, I should say a normal team could fleece them, the Twins would probably end up trading Kyle Gibson along with Capps to get a slap hitting middle infielder.  Because lord knows they don't have enough of those.

-   Gopher TD!!!  I have no idea what happened.

-  These pictures of Vegas make me want to go gamble and play craps at the Tropicana.  Seriously, Tropicana is the second best craps run of my life.  First would be the San Remo, which is now Hooters, which is probably the most depressing thing ever.  That place blows now.

-  I know you can win in college ball with a QB who doesn't throw very well but who can run like a mo-fo, I know this.  But I really don't like it.  I want a QB who can sling that pill like Mox.  Is that so much to ask?

-  Gophers miss a 10 yard field goal with a minute to play in the half.  I'm going to bed.  All my bets suck.  The Gophers suck again.  This is all highly annoying.

-  And for the record no, I have not danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, but it sounds sexy.

How to rebuild the Twins

 Although the Twins are pretty much hamstrung and stuck with Joe Mauer for the foreseeable future, that doesn't mean there aren't some moves they could make to try to rebuild quickly - which they'll have to do in order to become contenders again before Mauer is completely out of his prime assuming he isn't already.  Obviously the #1 priority should be the draft, where the Twins have the 2nd overall pick and three picks in the top 40.  I'd like to see them concentrate on high upside, college pitchers who won't have to spend 4-5 years in the minors, and I'd specifically like to see them draft Mark Appel out of Stanford or Kevin Gausman out of LSU with that #2 overall, then look at more pitching with picks 32 and 42.  Pitching-Pitching-Pitching.

Beyond that, there are some trades that need to be made.  Namely:


1.  Justin Morneau.  Contenders like the Marlins (who just sent Gaby Sanchez to the minors), Dodgers (who have crappy no power James Loney), Rangers (great offense with wasteland at 1B) and Blue Jays (who have given up on Adam Lind) all could use the power Morneau would provide at first base and all have the money to handle his contract, if they aren't too wary of his health issues.  Health issues and the big contract might mean his selling price is down, but a package of 3-4 players centered around one high upside prospect at a position of need would be a good move.  The Marlins have 3B Matt Dominguez in AAA and although he's not a great hitter he's supposed to be a plus fielder and let's face it, the Twins are pretty much out of 3B options.  The Rangers are loaded, including the minors, and that might make them willing to move future stud starting pitcher Martin Perez, who would give the Twins their first ace type pitcher since Johan.  The Dodgers system is loaded with starting pitching (with 8 of their top 10 prospects starters), and the Jays have enough young pitching that they could part with a semi-highly regarded pitching prospect or three without hurting their long term outlook.  Morneau is a great trade chip as long as he keeps hitting with power, and he's not going to be around by the time this time turns itself around - they need to use him to get the turnaround started.

2.  Denard Span.  I like Span and he's a quality leadoff hitter, but Ben Revere is a very similar player with less power, less discipline, and better defense, and the former two can develop with more time - time he's not getting.  The Nationals have been sniffing after Span for a couple of years now and were even willing, or close to willing, to give up a real young, real good reliever in Drew Storen last year.  I don't know that you can get a blue-chipper like that anymore, but the Nats are contending and are sorely lacking in the leadoff hitter department so they'd still probably love to have Span.  With all their young pitching maybe you can get a MLB ready, middle of the rotation type guy who is still young like Ross Detwiler.  Given Ramos's injury they need a catcher, so maybe throw-in Doumit and get a prospect back or even whichever second basemen they hate less, Steve Lombardozzi or Danny Espinosa - either would be a better 2b of the future than anything the Twins have right now.

3.  Carl Pavano.  I'd say trade the entire rotation, but I can't really see a team parting with anything other than "cash considerations" for anybody other than Pavano or Liriano, and trading Frankie when his value is at an all time low is probably not the right idea, so that leaves Pavano.  He's not exciting, but he's consistent, a decent big league pitcher, and somebody (or multiple somebodies) are going to be looking for that around the trade deadline (not to mention he's affordable).  All four AL East contenders have worse than average rotations so as that divisional chase heats up they're all going to be trying to outbid each other for pitching help, so depending on who else would be on the block Pavano could be near the top of their wishlists (although I don't know if the Yankees would be willing to bring him back).  He'd bring back less of a return than either Morneau or Span, but getting a mid-tier prospect or even a youngish player who is blocked on one of those teams would be worth looking into.

4.  Matt Capps.  I really don't know if anybody is stupid enough to "pull a Twins" and give up something of value for a shitty closer who has racked up saves in his career more out of opportunity than talent, but if anybody is willing to trade anything they should jump on it.  Same with Glen Perkins or really any other pitcher on the entire team.

Pull all that off, and maybe you're looking at a future of:

C - Mauer
1B - Miguel Sano (I'm guessing this is where he eventually ends up) with Parmalee backing him up
2b - Lombardozzi or Espinosa with Plouffe backing up
3b - Dominguez/Travis Harrison
SS - Levi Michael/Brian Dozier
OF - Revere/Benson/Hicks/Rosario/Arcia/Kepler
 with a rotation starting with Kyle Gibson, Appel/Gausman, and Detwiler with Baker/Diamond/Walters (if either of them is real)/other draft pick pitchers/Wimmers/Hudson Boyd/Madison Boer/Adrian Salcedo also in the mix and Deolis Guerra your top bullpen arm.

I dunno.  And that's not even counting in any other prospects that come back in trade other than Dominguez and the Nats' guys, although even though Dominguez is a 3b which the team sorely needs I'd still take Martin Perez over him if they have that option.

And yeah, I realize I'm just playing fantasy baseball basically, but the team is in the shitter and going nowhere, and you have exactly four tradeable assets so trade them.  None of them are going to be around when this team gets close to contending again, so trade them now while they have value.  Anything.  Just do something this year rather than sitting around with their thumbs up their asses like they did last year.  This is what I'd try to do. 

It's Going to be a Long Summer

There's a reason, outside of my debilitating illness, why I haven't been posting as much this baseball season as usual and it's pretty simple - this pitching staff sucks to the point where, even if the offense has a monster game, they still have a pretty damn good shot of losing.  It's gotten to the point where when Liam Hendriks didn't allow a run in the first inning tonight it actually sparked a conversation between me and Luxembourg (Luxembourg is my imaginary pet goat who wears a top hat and monocle and is quite fond of British slang."  I was all like, "whoa, I can't believe the Twins got out of the first without giving up a run" and Lux was all like, "Well old bean, I'm pretty sure this tosser is a bit of a dab hand at knobbin up the easy-peasy, so I wouldn't exactly be gobsmacked when he cocks up this one."  and I was like, "damn straight, goat."

Anyway, my imaginary limey goat is not really the point, the point is how freaking bad this team's pitching staff is.  I mean you got a bunch of soft-tossing noodle-arms and and the one guy who can actually bring the good stuff is more terrified of throwing the ball over the plate than that one guy from Teen Wolf who pees himself when he dad wolf gets up in his face.  I mean seriously, look at these average fastball speeds:  Blackburn - 90.3mph, Marquis - 88.7mph, Hendriks - 90.1mph, Pavano - 86.3mph.  What.  The.  Frunk?  Doesn't it almost have to be intentional to assemble this murderer's row of girly throwers? 

And no, you don't necessarily have to throw hard to have success and I get that, Jered Weaver and Dan Haren don't throw hard but are a couple of the best in the league, and teams like the Giants and D-Backs have success despite not having many burners on staff, but you still have to people to throw your fastball effectively.  According to fangraphs the Twins' fastballs collectively had been 18 runs worse than average this year - second worst in the majors behind Kansas City.  And they also rank in the bottom half of the league in every other pitch, including change-up which I thought was like the one thing they were supposed to be able to do.  I'm going to go ahead and say that's not good.

And even when the starting pitcher manages not to stick his own dick up his ass there's always the bullpen to put the ball on the Tee.  The team has all of three quality starts so far - one by Hendriks and two by Pavano.  In those three, the Twins lost after Glen Perkins got more hammered than your mom at a frat party, they lost because they couldn't hit (at all) against Shields, and they actually beat the Yankees.  Ok that was less dramatic than I thought but the bullpen still really sucks.

What's really sweet is Fangraphs gives every player a value in WAR (which stands for Wins above Replacement which means how many wins a player is worth over a random AAA player) and if you were to look at the Twins bullpen right now, Brian Duensing and Alex Burnett are the only two who have been better than a AAA dude this year, and we know Burnett sucks in real life and there's zero chance that stays accurate.  In fact, on the entire team it's just those two and Pavano and Blackburn who rank above 0 and all four of them just barely make the cut.  Honestly what this all means is is you could give me a list of all AAA pitchers in the majors with the best prospects crossed off, and I could spread it out on the floor and let Luxembourg just start pooping, and take the first 12 names he pooped on and make them my pitching staff and they'd probably end up just as good, if not a little better, than the Twins collection of ball hurlers. 

Read that shit again.  A random collection of AAA pitchers, picked out by Mrs. WWWWWW picking out names that sound hot, are probably as good or better than the Twins' pitching staff.  There are positives I'd love to dwell on - Mauer, Morneau, and Span look like they're back, Willingham has been unstoppable, and that's the whole list but it's something, but I can't get passed this pitching staff.  Do you realize I just wrote like four paragraphs on how bad their pitching is without doing anything other than barely mentioning Liriano, who is the poster boy for sucktastic disappointmentitude?  Seriously this entire stupid season is stupid and I hope there's a strike or something or at least an earthquake. 

Tuesday Talkings

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight because, let's face it, just the idea of writing two days in a row makes me tired, but there's nothing else to do.

-  I'm watching the Twins for some reason (it's currently 3-2 Twinkies in the 2nd) and holy crap is Chris Davis the worst hitter ever.  Last night, when the Rangers scored something like 30 runs and had 64 hits, he went 0-6 and made two errors.  Now I've just watched him just wildly flail at two Pavano pitches.  He strikes me as the kind of guy who can crush a fastball if you try to blow it passed him, but any finesse whatsoever and he's hacking at it like Delmon Young wearing a blindfold.  Should end up being a hell of a softball player in a few years.

-  You want to know what sucks worse than Jose Mijares?  When you make a bet against Ryan Howard doing well because he's going up against Tim Lincecum and then Lincecum is scratched with the flu and Barry freaking Zito gets the start instead and gives up a home run to Howard in the first inning.

-  As you could have predicted there are a ton of rumors/stories/whatever regarding NFL player movement since they're actually going to play now, and there are plenty regarding your precious Vikings - McNabb, Sid Rice, Tavaris Jackson, Ray Edwards, and Kyle Orton are all linked to Vikings in one way or another.  I was going to run down each of these things individually but then I yawned and now I'm bored.  So I'll just say that T-Jax going to Seattle makes me giggle.  And lest you think they are just handing him a starting gig they've also signed sexy Matt Leinart.  And they still have Charlie Whitehurst who I'm pretty sure is a werewolf.  So yeah, I'd say they're in pretty good shape. 

 -  Other than that I guess losing Sidney Rice would be a big deal, but only because they don't have any other options, not because he's all that good.  He had one good year because Brett Favre realized that you can just throw the ball up high to him and no matter how not open he actually was he'd just go catch it.  Give him a real QB and he can't do jack.  Do you really think Ponder is going to come in and start flinging the ball around like he's playing drunk foosball?  No.  He needs precise route runners with good hands who can get open.  Rice can't do that.  If he comes back to the Vikes he's going to be bust city.  With Seattle he'd have a fighting chance, if only because none of sexy, crappy, or the werewolf are real QBs so they might buy into the whole "lob it up" strategy.

That being said, the Vikes still need him because what's the other option here, Bernard Berrian?  Buzz.  Your girlfriend.  Woof. 

-  Those two broads behind home plate are ridiculously hot.  God bless Texas.

-  I can't prove it, but I strongly suspect Carl Pavano is actually pitching underhanded.  It's the only explanation.

-  I finished the new Song of Ice and Fire book (same series that gave us the Game of Thrones TV show) and I'm stunned.  I cannot believe Voldemort was Frodo's father.  That is just stunning.

-  Chris Davis is the next Brooks Robinson.  Just so smooth, and such a termendous gloveman.

-  J.J. Hardy hit two home runs tonight.  That gives him 16 homers on the year.  You know who else has 16 homers this year?  The entire Twins roster combined.  Fact.  Hardy has become a top five shortstop in all the majors, meanwhile the Twins are hoping either a foreigner who dances around at the plate like Natalie Portman in that lesbian movie or a 28-year old who everyone is still waiting to reach his potential to take over the SS role.  Great.  At least the guys they got when they traded Hardy have done really well. 

-  FUN FACT:  Justin Verlander is completely unhittable against everyone in the league other than the Chicago White Stockings.  Tonight's line: 8ip, 7 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, 4 ERs.  Not bad, right?  As a Twins fan we'd take it every night, but not a great outing for Verlander.  The interesting part?  That's just the third time he's given up more than 3 earned runs in a start this year - two of them against the White Sox.  That's just the 8th time he's allowed as many as 7 hits in a game - three of those were against the White Sox.  That's just the 7th time he's had 7 or fewer strikeouts - 3 against the White Sox.  He's allowed 14 home runs this year - six of them against the Sox.  And it doesn't really matter because Detroit won and Verlander got the win, but it's kind of interesting.  Nobody else can hit him.  

-  Matt Capps just threw a fastball that was 93mphand pretty clearly had significant tail on it.  I'm pretty stunned too.  This is just like the ending of The Village - never saw it coming.

-  FUN FACT:  If Tim Lincecum is supposed to pitch and gets scratched they wipe out all player prop bets for that game.  The good news is that I didn't lose my Ryan Howard bet now.  The bad news is that I also had a bet on Aubrey Huff to not get an RBI and Vance Worley to throw more than 99.5 pitches, both won, neither was remotely affected by Lincecum not pitching, and neither is a win now.  Not fair.

-  Thome just came a few feet away from an opposite field jack to take the lead in the ninth.  Which is extra funny because I was just typing how I was watching this game and barely typed anything about it because the Twins have broken my brain.  Also funny - teh ball Thome hit should have been caught by Hamilton.  Looked like he misjudged it a little, got a little off-balance, and lunged a little too far in the wrong direction.  Just like that guy he killed by tossing him a ball.

Too soon?

-  Nishioka is a retarded version of Ichiro, and he just tied the game with a retarded version of a hit by hitting a bouncer up the middle and getting an infield hit out of it.  I really kind of hate him.  Only partially because of racist reasons.

-  Mauer pinch hitting.  Runners on the corners, tie game, one out.  Texas playing back at all infield positions.  You know why?  Because Joe Mauer is god damn ground ball machine and they know they can turn two.  Announcer guys are stunned by them playing back, but that's because they're idiots.  If you took a pitching machine and pointed it at the ground and fed it balls and had a contest with Mauer to see who could hit the most consecutive balls on the ground I'm pretty sure the machine would win.

-  Well fuck me.  You know that Simpsons episode where Skinner says something like, "You know none of these kids are going to college" and then when he realizes the kids are listening he says "Prove me wrong kids, prove me wrong"?  Well that's what I was doing there - daring Mauer to prove me wrong.  I'm a great motivator.

-  I also was going to try to look that quote up and to do it I just typed "google.com" into the google search engine box.  Maybe it turns out I'm the dumb one?

-  By the way, when Nathan blows this one I'm going to bed and not sticking around for extras.  I've got the new James Rollins book to read.

-  Ripped single, fielder's choice, hit batter, strikeout, strikeout and the Twins win and I gotta say, that was vintage Nathan:  some very good unhittable stuff with some terrible pitches mixed in.  He's back, baby.  Now somebody trade something good for him.

Monday Musings - Who should the Twins trade?

I'll keep this short tonight since I kind of feel like crap, but I'm just lying on the coach watching the Twins game and the NBA game, so I might as well jot down a few thoughts as they occur in my brain.  First though:  you're telling me that Denard Span can golf a pitch up and over the right field wall but Mauer, Morneau, and even Kubel talk about how difficult it is to hit a ball out to right?  God I hate this team sometimes.  I swear 90% of the roster is a bunch of nancy little whiner girls.

-  I'm really excited for this Dallas/OKC game.  I'm probably going to spend more time watching them than the Twins, mainly because Pavano decided to throw batting practice again today.  It's so annoying when the pitchers decide to do that.  It's really too bad it seems to be a team mantra this season.

- Fairly crazy that Ed DeChellis is leaving Penn State to coach at Navy, no?  I mean, there are a million reasons to leave that job:  the program hasn't been good under him, he's basically losing his entire team from last year, and despite making the NCAA Tournament last year he wasn't offered an extension or given any assurance he'd remain the coach after what is guaranteed to be a terrible season.  So yes, I can understand leaving, but to go to Navy?  Not only a Patriot League team but a middle-of-the-road Patriot League team and a service academy?  That says an awful lot about the state of Penn State, and it's going to get worse before it gets better because based on the state of the program and the timing of this change they're going to have a hell of a time finding a good coach - or any coach, really.  Other than beating the Gophers in State College, I don't know that they'll win a Big Ten game, and will be lucky to get to 10 wins total on the year.

-  So let's assume the Twins don't make some kind of big comeback and are clearly out of it as we get to the trade deadline.  Who could/should they trade?

• Carl Pavano.  He may be very attractive to some teams because they'd get him for one and a half years - he's got another year after this one at a very affordable $8.5 million.  Not the top flight kind of arm that would put a team over the top, but he could help a team for a couple months down the stretch, and isn't part of the Twins' future.
• Kevin Slowey.  He may end up getting moved anyway because he's looking like the odd man out, but he would be an attractive pick-up for a team since he's under team control until 2014.  Of course, that may be the biggest reason the Twins won't trade him.
• Matt Capps.  He's making $7 million this year and definitely won't be resigned after this season, so he's almost a must trade once the Twins fall out of contention.  Someone desperate enough and foolish enough to be blinded by the "save" statistic to give up a mid-tier prospect (see last season.  Oof).
• Joe Nathan.  His contract next year is either for $12.5 million or the Twins can buy him out at $2.5, so he's likely going to get bought out and I'd expect the Twins to try to re-sign him at a cheaper number.  Why not move him, let some other team buy him out, then resign?  Question is, would anybody want him?
• Jason Kubel.  Lot's of decisions to be made in the outfield, and with Span entrenched and Revere and Benson the future there's probably only room for one, maybe two of Kubel, Cuddy, and Delmon in the future.  Kubel is the one I'd resign - he's a free agent after this year - but if his huge year so far continues he may price himself out of the Twins' range since they've sunk so much money into the two left-handed nancy boys.  Teams most valuable tradeable asset.
• Michael Cuddyer.  Also a free agent after this season, I have a sneaking feeling that the Twins don't want to let him go because of all the "little things" like playing multiple positions, leadership, and other undefinable gritty gamerish qualities.  Plus if Cuddy goes, who's going to make sure they get quoted in every single media piece on the team?
• Delmon Young.  The problem with trading Young is that I don't know how much value he actually has.  I'm curious as to what the perception around the league is, but personally I wouldn't trade much for him even if he still has another year under team control.  Personally I think if you find a buyer who is willing to give you anything you consider valuable, you do it.  And as I'm typing this he fouls a ball off his leg and reacts as if he's been shot.  Trade him.  Hate him.
• Jim Thome.  There's no reason for him to be on this team if they aren't going to compete for a playoff spot, either for the team (taking ABs away from younger players) or for him (wasting his time going no where).  Lots of contending teams could use a big left-handed bat on their bench, although I would be pretty shocked to see him go the National League so you're trade options are kind of limited.  Still, he could fetch a decent price.

So there's your list.  Not counting all the little minor chips and bullpen depth and crap.  Hopefully whoever it is they end up trading they at least get some decent players back.  Yep, that's what I have left to look forward to.  Hurray.

-  I've decided to become a huge Iowa State fan next basketball season.  200-1 to win the whole thing.  Get on it.

-  Finally, I leave you with this.  I can't decide if it's awesome or super duper awesome.

Week in Review - 05.09.2011

I was all set to write up something about Ralph Sampson staying in the draft, Tubby Smith sabotaging Gopher basketball, and idiotic decisions, but I've now see some tweets that indicate he may have pulled out at the last minute (unlike his dad) so I'll save that speculation for later in the week when something more concrete comes out.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Justin Verlander.  Remember when I picked Verlander to win the AL Cy Young?  I'm pretty sure that his no-hitter on Saturday proves that I was right.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking he only struck out four guys and I just recently downplayed Liriano's no-hitter for a lack of domination so how can I praise this one?  Well first off Francisco Liriano fucking sucks while Verlander is a god of pitching.  Second, Verlander only walked one dude and threw about 70% of his pitches for strikes while Liriano treated the strike zone as if it was .  Thirdly, did you watch the game?  Justy Just completely dominated fools.  The Blue Jays only hit two balls remotely well and really after about two batters you knew Verlander had a shot at doing it.  Just so good.  So dominating.  I swear every time I watch him pitch he makes me hate the Twins and every time Leyland let's him pitch his 125th pitch of the game I hate Gardy.  I hate everything.

2.  Vancouver Grizzlies.  Gotta admit out of all the surprising things in the sporting world, including VCU  making the final four and Alexi Casilla once getting a hit, Vancouver's playoff run thus far is way up there.  Of course a big part of that shock is because I had no idea Vancouver was in the playoffs until like Game Three of the first round, but they're gettin' it done now.  Knocking off the #1 seeded Spurs was surprising, but not as surprising as the semi-dominant fashion in which they did it (and my favorite part was watching Zach Randolph kick the crap out of that old man whiny bitch Tim Duncan.  Honestly the guy would send back soup at a deli)  Now they're up 2-1 on Oklahoma City after stealing game 3 with a furious second half comeback and surprisingly dominant performance in overtime.  With the Lakers getting bounced and the Grizz up, it's suddenly not ridiculous to think Memphis might end up making the finals.  Read that again.  Now set your own face on fire because Memphis is a title contender while the T-Wolves should just be contracted.

3.  Cliff Lee.  Clifford is always fun to watch pitch, but you never know which version you're going to get.  There's the don't-walk anybody, let the batter hit your pitch right where you want it version, and then there's the don't walk anybody, strike everybody out version.  Both are dominant in different ways, and both are fun to watch.  However, more accurately the version where he just strikes everybody the hell out is way more fun and that's the version that showed up this weekend to throw against the Braves and strike out 16 guys.  Of course the bad news is that he gave up 9 hits and 3 runs and they lost which may make some people wonder why I'd give him credit for being awesome.  Those people should just shut their big fat faces.

4.  Dirk Nowitzki.  God I love watching this guy.  He's too slow to be devastating, but he can shoot the lights out, he's six foot thirteen, and he knows how to use his body to create open shots.  I don't know if I love that slow motion spin and fade better or if I prefer the weird, awkward step back fadeaway that looks more like something that a dude who had never played basketball before would do, but it's impossible to stop and I'm pretty sure he shoots like 90% with that one.  He's just unstoppable and sweet.  And the best part is, as Bill Simmons laid out in a recent column, once he gets to the point where he can't carry a team anymore he's going to have a role as a more deadly version of Sam Perkins.  Probably with the same amount of pot though.  

5.  Andre Ethier.  Yes his 30-game hit streak came to an end over the weekend but it should still be recognized because a 30-game hit streak is really pretty remarkable.  More importantly have you seen this guy?  You look at his adonis like looks and his hair, realize he's a multi-millionaire who plays baseball and lives in Los Angeles, and I'm assuming he's basically beating gorgeous girls off with a stick.  His list of conquests must be epic.  Of course, it's tough to beat Derek Jeter who has gone out with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Adriana Lima, Jordana Brewster, and Minka Kelly.  Then again, while I assume Ethier is a tender and considerate lover you know Jeter is just using these chicks - using them to cover up that he's a raging homosexual, I mean.


WHO SUCKED

1.  Los Angeles Lakers.  Wow, talk about a gutless performance.  Not only did the defending two-time champs - and defending two-time champs with nearly the same entire squad back - get bounced in round 2 but they got swept.  And not only did the get swept but they got ugly swept, losing the first two games at home and then getting run by 30 in the deciding game four.  No other word for it but pathetic.  The Lakers might be the most talented team, especially in the West, but it was clear they weren't 100% engaged in round 1 and they couldn't just flip the switch when they suddenly ran into a better than we thought Dallas team.  And that, in a nutshell, is the biggest reason Kobe will never be the next Michael Jordan.  Other than a very good game 1 (36 pts) Kobe basically was completely disinterested and finished the series with averages well below his season averages for the series in literally every category.  What a douchebag.  By the way, a rapist, a homophobe, and a black guy walk into a bar.  Everybody there was like, "Hey Kobe."

2.  Kentucky Derby.  Not so much for the race, because watching Animal Kingdom shoot from the middle to the front for the win was actually pretty exciting, but it was just kind of meh.  There was no great horse in this field and no great stories so there was no good lead-ups, so much so that most of the Kentucky Derby rubes I know said this was the least interesting derby in years.  Even the whole Calvin Borel, winner of three of the last four derbys, angle was lame because he ended up sitting on a horse that everybody knew was a shitbox.  Didn't help that I didn't win money (although I know Bogart was on Animal Kingdom so congrats there).  I hit a bunch of the mid-range horses and with Mrs. W's pick (Stay Thirsty) and Wonderbaby's first ever pick (Soldat) I basically had everybody covered as long as a long shot (other than Santiva) or the favorite didn't win.  Then this freaking dirtbag horse who has never even raced on dirt before and whose regular rider was out with an injury (yep, an injury to a jockey.  WTF has never seemed more appropriate) goes out and wins.  Least satisfying Derby ever.  And Animal Kingdom has no shot at even contending for the triple crown.  None.  Lame.  Gay.  Stupid.

3.  Brandon Lyon.  Can anyone explain to me why this dingleberry keeps getting closing jobs?  He's fucking terrible, which he proved once again this week by trying to close a game against the Reds, a game in which he dudes he faced went walk-single-single-single-double and suddenly a 2-0 lead was a 3-2 loss - a game that would have been rookie Aneury Rodriguez's first career W.  Although I don't know why anybody would be surprised since Lyon has sucked every year.  He sucked with the Diamonbacks, sucked with the Tigers after they gave him a nice 1-year deal and then said thanks but no thanks, and has sucked with Houston the last two years (after their inexplicable 3-year/$15 mil contract) and leads the league in blown saves this year.  Not since Ambirorix Burgos has a worse player been given the ball to close games.  Except maybe Matt Capps.

4.  Carl Pavano.  Hey, do you guys remember when there was all that talk about signing Pavano long-term, and everybody was like damn dude, you gotta be careful with this one because his margin for error is razor thin and at his advancing age things could fall apart in a big ole hurry?  Well I'm not saying he's done done, but there are some ominous signs.  And I'm not even talking about the really obvious stuff like getting slapped all over the yard in consecutive games by the Royals and Red Sox (2 games combined:  10 innings, 22 hits, 13 runs).  No, the scary part here is in those two outings Pavano tallied as many strikeouts as hits Joe Mauer's had since April 12th - a big fat zero.  Now, Pavano's never been a big time K pitcher but he's generally been around 5-7 per 9 ips.  Last year he set a career low at 4.8, and this year he's been even lower at 4.1 (before today's game).  That' a terrible sign.  Am I saying he's going to be terrible the rest of this year and probably end up waived before we even get to year 2 of his contract?  Yes.  Yes I am.

5.  Justin Morneau.  Sigh.  No doubt you are aware he's been bad this year, but do you know just how bad he was this week?  He hit .105 (2-19 and obviously no extra base hits).  Guess how many of his teammates had a worse average for the week?  Nobody.  At all.  Butera hit .143.  Casilla hit .125.  Repko, Tolbert, and Revere all beat him.  Unfortunately he's cooling off (if that was even possible) right as Cuddy, Span, and Valencia are starting to remember how to hit and the team just added the shortstop of the future in Trevor Plouffe, who probably deserves a spot in the WHO WAS AWESOME section but I forgot about him until just now.  This team can't win without Morneau's bat.  I mean, they can't really win with it either, but at least with him going they have a chance, however small.  Maybe somebody needs to just smack him in the head with a tire iron and joggle everything back the way it was before.  I'll volunteer.


In conclusion the Lakers suck are a punch of punks led by King Punk Kobe.  Although I have to give him credit for not being the biggest little bitch on the team in this series.  That honor would to to Andrew Bynum who pulled this move at the end of the shellacking the Mavs put on them to cap off the sweep:


I'm not even sure what my favorite part is, but I can narrow it to five parts:

1.  Steve Blake not really trying to get through a screen while guarding Barea.
2.  Ron Artest making zero effort to help out on said screen or when Barea starts to drive.
3.  Shannon Brown's "help defense" which consisted of a half-assed swipe at the ball.
4.  The biggest guy on the court (Bynum) completely destroying the littlest one while he's defenseless (but in Bynum's defense he was the only one who played any kind of defense on that play).
5.  And, of course Bynum taking off his jersey for some reason.

Basically just class personified right there.  In summation, fuck you Lakers!  I couldn't be happier.

6 Very Important Things from Last Night - 04.19.2011

1.  The Twins got rolled 11-0 by the hapless Orioles.  I only watched half of this one because it was apparent very early that the Twins had no shot, but from what I saw Pavano was all over the place.  That's bad for anybody unless you're a guy like Carlos Marmol who throws 99mph and has no idea where it's going but nobody can hit it anyway, but for Pavano to miss his spots means it's going to be a rough night.  Not only by falling behind in counts and walking guys (3 walks and just 60% strikes) but because when he misses by a little bit his 89mph fastball goes from a well placed tough to hit pitch to an easy to drive pitch, and Pavano was run after four and two-thirds after allowing 8 hits and 7 runs.  Naturally, the Twins were unable to score, a consistent problem not helped by the absence of Mauer, Morneau, and Delmoney from the lineup.

Maybe the most discouraging part of last night's festivities, however, was Joe Nathan getting rocked again, giving up a couple of hits and a 3-run home run to Vlad Guerrero in his inning of work, which means he's now given up 7 runs in his last three times out, with at least two runs coming in each game.  It's pretty clear he's not all the way back from injury, and his fastball is clocked consistently 2-3 miles per hour slower than it was in his prime, making him essentially Nick Blackburn but who doesn't know how to pitch like he has a noodle arm.  I don't know what you do with him - could he do a minor league assignment? - but he's not good right now, and he just needs more time.  I guess we'll have to rely on Cappsy.  Get ready for some brutal emotional swings, fans.

2.  Carmelo Anthony could almost do it himself but Jared Jeffries and Bill Walker fucked it all up.  Chauncey Billups is out with an injury and Amare Stoudamire was only able to play a half before getting knocked out due to back spasms, and the Knicks opponent was the Celtics one of the best defensive teams in the league.  The stage was set for Melo to channel Bernard King and elevate the Knicks to victory and he damn near pulled it off, scoring 42 points and grabbing 17 rebounds (and dishing 6 assists).  Unfortunately Bill Walker couldn't hit a shot all game, going 0-11 from the floor, and eventually Boston realized Carmelo had no help and they started double-teaming him before he even had the ball.  Remarkable.  This defensive strategy resulted in Jared Jeffries having to make a play on the two biggest possessions of the game for the Knicks, and you can imagine how that went.  If you're imagining it was like watching Gardy try to figure out a Rubik's Cube, you're not far off. 


3.  Sticking with the NBA, I thought ESPN said Atlanta had the guys to stop Dwight Howard?  In fact, I know they did because in my preview on here I said Atlanta couldn't deal with Howard and Snacks emailed me to say that ESPN said that the Hawks' Jason Collins and Zaza Pachulia would be able to handle him.  Wrong, idiots.  33 points and 19 rebounds last night in the Magic's Game 2 win following up his 46-19 in game 1 - a Magic loss.  It's actually interesting because it's become clear that Atlanta is simply going to single cover Howard - and let him destroy them - and concentrate all their defensive efforts on shutting down Orlando's jumpshooters, which is basically the entire rest of the team. 

That strategy worked brilliantly in Game 1, the Hawks big win, with Jameer Nelson the only non-Howard player to have a good shooting game with Gilbert Arenas, Hedo Turkoglu, JJ Redick, Ryan Anderson, and Jason Richardson shooting a combined 2-14 from three.  In Game 2 it almost worked again with Orlando shooting 5-23 from three as a team but this time the Magic played good enough defense to get the win.  What seemed to be a boring series in the beginning has suddenly become interesting based on the Hawks' strategy.  Or at least as interesting as any series involving the boring as hell Hawks could ever be.

4.  Josh Johnson is unhittable.  Maybe it's because he's in the NL, or maybe it's because he's on a small market team, or maybe it's simply because nobody cares about the Marlins, but Josh Johnson is one of the best pitchers in baseball and I'm not sure how many people know it.  Last night he tossed seven scoreless innings against Pittsburgh, allowing just two hits and striking out nine, and the only notable thing about it was how un-notable it really was - this is the norm for this nerd.  His season stats are now at 3-0 with a 1.00 ERA, a WHIP of 0.59, and a strikeout per inning.  Looking at his career arc it reads like a big-time pitcher - good rookie year (5th in ROY), two injury plagued seasons, then a comeback year where he was an all-star, followed last year by his 2.30 ERA and fifth place finish in the Cy Young balloting.  The guy may look like a slightly less nerdy Davis Love III, but he's an absolute super star.  I wonder if he'll end up on the Yankees or the Red Sox.

5.  Penn State is going to be even worse than you thought.  Not that there was a whole lot of optimistic feelings towards Penn State's 2011-2012 basketball season with Talor Battle, Jeff Brooks, Andrew Jones, and David Jackson all graduating (that's four of their top five scorers and top four rebounders), but one of the few rays of hope has now been crushed with the news that Taran Buie is transferring/has been kicked out.  It's not a surprise given that Buie was suspended from the team twice for various violations, but it's still a kick in the junk since he was one of the highest rated recruits in many, many years at Penn State.  Not to mention this leaves them with Tim Frazier and a bunch of guys who never played, and it's not like either Jones or Jackson should have been hard to beat out for playing time since they are severely flawed players, so those guys coming back are probably even worse than Colton Iverson (for reals).  Should be fun to watch a team whose only good player's #1 skill is distributing the basketball play with a bunch of teammates who couldn't score on a date with your sister.

6.  The Vikings schedule (if there's a season) was announced last night.  But let's be honest, if you get excited about this you are a retard, and you're probably a big fan of mayo sandwiches, think Nickelback and Hinder "fuckin' rock", consider Borat to be quality cinema, and name Olive Garden as your favorite "fancy" restaurant.

Twins Season Wrap: 10 Roster Questions for Next Year

With the season officially in the crapper and my heart broken clean in two, I thought I'd look at some of the pressing offseason roster questions that Bill Smith and the Twins' front office are going to have to deal with, and then never speak of the Twisn again.  There are a lot of things that are going to change, which makes this year's defeat all the more soul crushing - the team was setup to win this year, and they failed.  Failed hard.  

1.  Will Morneau be back?  Hard to believe a simple knee to the head could end someone's career, but the fact that he missed the last three months of the season and still can't string together more than a few days without a relapse/dizzy spell who the hell knows what could happen.  I won't bother to just wildly speculate since I don't have any knowledge of it or any kind of medical background except what I learned on Scrubs, but as unfathomable as it seems that he might not be around next year, did you think there was even a slight chance he'd miss the rest of the season?

2.  How high will the payroll go?  Right now the Twins have seven players under contract for next year, but those seven (Mauer, Morneau, Nathan, Cuddyer, Baker, Span, and Blackburn) total $68 million in payroll.  Most other current Twins are arbitration eligible and most will get raises, so the Twins will have to make some hard decisions about who to keep and who to let go.  And wherever they let players go, I'd guess they try to plug those holes from within.  Will that mean Alexi Casilla as a full-time starter and Anthony Swarzak in the rotation?  I hope not, but it wouldn't surprise me.

3.  Jason Kubel's option?  Kubel had an off year this season, at least compared to the prior year, and has a team option remaining that the Twins can pick up which would pay him $5.25 million (or they can buy him out for $350k).  I hate having two defensive butchers at the corner outfield positions with him and Delmon, and Kubel is certainly more suited to a DH role, so his true value depends on whether Thome comes back.  Which, brings us to....

4.  Will Thome return on the cheap?  Jim Thome was only signed this year because he was willing to take a very cheap $1.5 million to come play part time.  With Morneau's injury and subsequent position shifting of everyone, his value skyrocketed and he more than proved himself worth every penny.  If Morneau comes back, Thome goes back to his part-time role.  Would he be willing to do it again, or at this point does he want to be full-time player again?

5. What's going to happen with Delmon Young?  Delmon is arbitration eligible and made $2.6 million last year, but coming off the year he had, including surpassing magic numbers of 20 HRs and 100 RBI, he's going to get a healthy raise if they go to arbitration.  If his agent is worth his shit, however, they'll be pushing for a long-term contract, and the question is if the Twins will go for it.  Nick Markakis of the Orioles had a similar year in 2008 and ended up signing a 6-year, $66 million deal.  Are you ready to pay Delmon $11 per year?  

6.  How is the bullpen going to shake out?  Joe Nathan is the only bullpen guy with a guaranteed contract for next season, so this is where a lot of choices are going to have to be made.  Fuentes is a free agent and will be gone, but everybody else is a question mark.  Matt Guerrier, Jessie Crain, and Jon Rauch are all free agents and Matt Capps is arbitration eligible and will get a significant raise from the $3.5 million he made this year if he's offered.  With the payroll already where it is, they probably won't be bringing everybody back, and I'd be pretty shocked if Rauch is a Twin next season.

7.  How will the middle infield look next year?  Orlando Hudson is a free agent, and I'd be pretty shocked if they brought him back, while J.J. Hardy, Alexi Casilla, and Matt Tolbert are all arbitration eligible.  Hardy made $5.1 million this year, and even if he doesn't get a raise that is still a pretty high number for medium production, but the alternatives make me want to kill myself.  Unless they decide to try to pay for Juan Uribe, a free agent from the Giants next year, Hardy is pretty much the only viable option.  And if they start next year with Punto as their starting SS, we might as well just give the season up for dead.  Speaking of......

8.  They can't possibly pick up Nick Punto's option, right?  The choices are to either agree to pay him $5 million next year (Five.  Freaking.  Million) or buy him out for $500k.  Putting aside how terrible that contract was, I know they are in love with him over at Target Field but even they have to realize that $5MM is a ridiculous number for a good fielding utility man, right?  Their best bet would be to buy him out, then offer him a contract for a year in the $500k - $1 million range to be their back up, although they should probably just pay him the minimum since he's essentially stolen over $13 million from the Twins the last few years. 

9.  Will the 'stache be back?  This might be the toughest decision to make, since Carl Pavano was brilliant all year and carried the team at times.  Of course, pitchers who are brilliant and carry their team generally make a lot of money.  He made $7 million this year, and, unless the Twins move quickly, will hit the open market, and who knows who is going to offer him what and for how long.  One advantage is that there is no way the Yankees will be after him since he burned them once before, but there are plenty of other teams who have money and need pitching.  Whatever the cost, I would be nervous giving Pavano anything more than a 2-year deal, but if you want to keep him you might have to, and don't be shocked if he makes $10+ million per year with a new deal.

10.  Pavano or no, what about the rest of the rotation?  Baker is pretty much stuck since he's got a contract ($5 million next year) as is Blackburn ($3 million), Brian Duensing is still under team control, so he'll be here, and Francisco Liriano will be back as well, whether it's through arbitration or if they decide to sign him longer term.  Slowey is also still under arbitration, so I'd expect him to be back as well.  None of the in-house options are very attractive at this point, unless Kyle Gibson has just an amazing spring, so I'd expect the rotation to look pretty similar to start the year, with those five above the guys they go with if they don't end up signing Pavano.  There will probably be a few other scraps on the open market, because they'll have no shot at Cliff Lee, but I wouldn't expect the Twins to go after anybody unless they think they can get a steal on a veteran they think is undervalued (like Pavano was).  I wouldn't be shocked to see Javier Vazquez as a Twin next year, although if I was to bet on it I'd guess next year's rotation would be Liriano, Duensing, Baker, Slowey, and Blackbun.  Doesn't that just get you fired up? 


Well, there you have it.  It will be interesting to see what they end up doing in a variety of areas, and to see the results.  Worst case, the team takes a nosedive and sucks.  Best case, another division title and they get swept out of the first round of the playoffs.  Either way, it guarantees a season ending in frustration.  Thank god college hoops isn't too far away, because Gopher basketball is never frustrating.

Catchers and pitchers report in 19 weeks.

Six Very Important Things this Morning 7.28.10

1.  The Twins blitzed the Royals again.  Once again your beloved hometown 9 started the game strong, scoring two in the first (which could have been more but Denard Span has a serious aversion to staying on base), then coasted there way to an 11-2 win behind another offensive explosion from Danny Valencia.  Another four hit game for the not-a-slap-hitter gives him back-to-back four hit outings and makes four straight games with at least 3 hits.  Mauer, Hardy, Young, Cuddy, Span, and Butera each had at least two hits as well.  This team is absolutely rocking the ball.  Butera is nearly hitting .200 for christ's sake, what the hell is going on?  Maybe most impressively, Pavano was clearly not on last night the way he has been lately, but he was able to pitch around trouble for his five innnings, allowing only one run, and the bullpen took it from there.  They're really clicking right now, and if the non Pavariano starters can keep it together they could end up taking this thing.   hahahahahahahahahahahamakeatrade.

2.  Sticking with the Twins, apprently they're exploring Matt Capps.  According to Tim K. at ESPN they aren't happy with Rauch and have looked into acquiring Capps, and learned that the Nats would want Wilson Ramos back.  This is lunacy on so many levels.  Capps is nearly identical to Rauch.  Although he might be slighly better he's in no way Wilson Ramos better.  Maybe a Matt Tolbert better.  If this happens I quit being a fan.  Let's hope the Twins leave the exploring of Matt Capps to either Mrs. Capps or various ladies of ill repute, ok?  Speaking of which, ask me about Brendan Donnelly some time.

3.  Just when you thought the Wolves offseason couldn't get any more bizarre.  Newest news is that Jonny Flynn will be out 3-4 months due to hip surgery, which means the Wolves have now gone from three viable point guards to 1 + Bassy Telfair.  If you're scoring at home, Kahn has now essentially cleared house, getting rid of nearly everybody from the previous regime and now getting started on moving out his own guys, as Sessions and Hollins were both Kahn signings last offseason.  It's a bold move, and is it just me or does Kahn have a little Steinbrenner in him?  Who else would sign someone to a four year, $16 million dollar contract just to trade him the next year for a player who was immediately cut?  He basically kicked him out of bed in the middle of the night and didn't even supply cab money.  Ain't right.

4.  The baseball world holds its collective breath.   Super phenom (and fantasy team savior) Stephen Strasburg was scratched from his start against the Braves last night after he was "unable to get loose" in the bullpen.  That was the official explanation.  They said there was no pain or anything, he was just unable to get loose.  I usually find a couple of kamikazes does the trick.  Seriously though, this could potentially kill baseball. 

5.  NFL Writers in Cincinnati are going to be busy.  The Bengals, in keeping with their tradition of being a complete mess, have signed Terrell Owens.  If you were in the same room as me right now you would see me showing how much I care about this by making fart noises with my mouth.

6.  Best Second-Baseman Ever?  Rickie Weeks went deep again last night, which makes three consecutive nights and gives him six home runs in his last ten games.  For the year he's now up to 22 home runs, and is basically having the same season as Joe Mauer - if Mauer had 22 home runs, 7 steals, and played a god awful second-base.  But who cares about fielding when you're destroying the ball?  He might not have the average you'd always want and he strikes out quite a bit, but he also can take a walk and when he makes contact he hits the ball a ton.  So exactly like the exact opposite of every Twins' middle infielder ever, and Gardy's worst nightmare.


I'm hoping tomorrow's post is going to be a gopher hoops recruiting rundown, something I've been really neglecting since I am spending basically all my energy on the Twins for some reason.  Well, that and preparing the house for the new kid, who is really just going to be a time sink and money drain.  Joy!

Week in Review - 7/19/2010

It is truly amazing how truly, frighteningly awful my golf picks for the majors have been so far this year. First, I was absolutely convinced Jim Furyk was going to win The Masters. He shot 80 on Day 1 and missed the cut. Then I made Hunter Mahan my pick for the U.S. Open. He shot 80 on Day 1 and missed the cut. For the British Open, I couldn't decide between Ernie Els and Justin Rose. They both missed the cut. And, I went on and on about how awesome the British Open is, and then we end up with the boringest major in a hundred years. Seriously, congratulations to Oosterhuizen and everything, but he got lucky twice with weather to get a big lead then coasted to the win and nobody ever bothered to challenge him. Impressive win to be sure, but boring as all hell.


In conclusion, I suck.



WHO WAS AWESOME


1.  Carl Pavano.  Honestly, what more can be said about Pavano at this point?  Who would think he'd be putting up a career year at this point?  His 3.48 ERA would be his third best ever, second best if you make more than 100 innings a requirement.  His 1.03 WHIP would be the best of his career.  His four complete games (3 out of his last six games) are already double his career best, and his 1 shutout ties his season best.  A 34-year old soft-tossing nancy is suddenly one of the best pitchers in the league and capable of carrying a staff - like he did with his complete game on Saturday, just when the Twins needed it most.  And he may be getting a little lucky BABIP and strand rate-wise, but really not much.  This is a legit career year.  So let's not waste it, kids.

2.  Francisco Liriano.  Might as well include him here, too, since he came up with a pretty big outing on Friday right when they needed him too.  Similar ERA to Pavano, but they've arrived there in different ways.  Liriano has allowed more baserunners, has struck out a lot more guys,and where Pavano has been been a bit lucky Liriano has been a bit unlucky, but either way it's clear these two are going to have to carry this team.  Not saying they're Drysdale/Koufax or anything, but it certainly seems like we have ourselves a bit of a "Liriano and Pavano and pray for a tornado" kind of situation.  It works better if you pronounce tornado with a bit of a schwa sound.  Or like you imagine a British guy would say it.

3.   Tim Lincecum.  It's sort of boring to write about Wiley Wiggins here seeing as how he's won the last two NL Cy Young awards and just kind of keeps chugging along.  He picked up win #10 for the year on Thursday, just cruising against the Mets with a six-hit shut-out.  He is once again leading the league in strikeouts and is top 10 in ERA, and although he probably won't win a third straight, he can take solace in the fact that if you put his name into google when it does that thing where it adds words onto your search, "Tim Lincecum Weed" is the first entry.  Also I know I'm not exactly the first person to make the Tim Lincecum/Mitch Kramer comparison, but come on, it's uncanny.  Creepy, even.  And don't forget, Mitch Kramer was a pitcher.  Do you think they're the same person?  Cuz it'd be a lot cooler if you did.

4.  Demarcus Cousins.  He tailed off a bit towards the last couple of games of Summer League, finishing 1-12 and 3-15 from the floor in the final two games, but Cousins looks like he is everything he was advertised to be, and maybe even more.  What I saw with my own eyes was a guy who showed a more complete offensive game than he ever did at Kentucky.  I think in college he didn't have to show an impressive offensive game because he could just overpower everyone, but in Summer League he really showed that he can score in a lot of ways.  Nice.  But what I read about, was how he complained about every call, got in running verbal battles with every opponent, and basically acted completely uncoachable.  Kind of like he was in college, but worse.  Much worse.  One thing is for certain - this is going to be an interesting ride.        

5.  Gordon Beckham.  Funny Beckham story.  He's struggled all year, and was hitting just .216 going into Thursday's first post All-Star Break game agains the Twins - a game Snacks and I attended.  As Beckham gets up for his first at-bat, Snacks turns to me to say, "What happened to this guy?  I thought there was going to be a new guy to hate in the division for years, instead he looks like he's going to get sent down" and before he can even get to "guy", Beckham hammers the ball over the fence on his way to 2-3 night.  He then went 2-3 and 1-3 before finishing the series by going 4-4 against the Twins.  So to recap, he sucks.  Snacks questions his ability.  He responds by going 9-13.  So Snacks single-handedly saved Gordon Beckham's career.  Thanks a lot, A-hole!


WHO SUCKED

1.  Dan Gladden.  I've ripped Gladden here before, both for using the nickname "Dazzle Man" as well as for being a complete dickmitten when it comes to talking about baseball, but he hit a new low on Thursday, low enough that a low-level meaningless third-rate blogger thinks he deserves his own section in WHO SUCKED.  Anyway, to refresh your memory, the Twins lost to the Sawx thanks to Kevin Slowey and Alex Burnett sucking, plus little baby boy Morneau's headache kept him out of the lineup.  It was the first game after the All-Star Break, and thanks to Kate J. I attended.  On the way home, the Dazzle Man's reason for the loss, "You know, after three days off it's tough to get back into the rhythm of playing again."  Now is probably where I should go into some kind of tirade, but this one is just so over the top I'm just going to stop talking and let it sink in.  I'm not talking now.  Be the ball, Danny.


2. Al-Farouq Aminu.  Remember how last week I was talking about the Clippers sucked and were making bad offs-eason decisions including their drafting of Aminu and then there was that one guy who left a comment and said I was stupid?  Well who's laughing now?  Aminu has been B-R-U-T-A-L in Summer League.  He's shot 29% in the five games, with games where he shot 4-13, 3-12, and 3-15.  Even in his best shooting game where he went 4-9 he turned it over 4 times and committed 8 fouls (they allow 10 for some reason).  And for a 6-9 athletic player five rebounds per game in Summer League isn't very good.  Basically he's shown one skill and that's getting fouled and making free throws.  Valuable to be sure, but it wouldn't kill him to hit a shot once in a while. 

3.  Justin Morneau.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY!!!???!?!?

4.  Bobby Jenks.  It's always nice to know that you're never quite out of the game when you still get to hit against Bobby Jenks aka "Stupid Fat Idiot" as he's known around my house.  One of the announcers kept harping about how Jenksy was 20-21 in save opportunities for the year and had saved 15 in a row, and I kept thinking that's awfully hard to believe.  Then you look at his stats and see he has an ERA of 4.76 and a WHIP of 1.56, and things are even more confusing.  Basically he's somehow doing an ok job, but when he flames out he flames out spectacularly, as we all know.  In the ten games this year where he's allowed at least one run in half of them he allowed at least two and three times he's allowed three.  So basically when he comes in the game he either shuts you right down or you're going to light him up like he was Nick Blackburn. 

5.  Scott Baker/Kevin Slowey/Nick Blackburn.  Good god take your pick, because these guys all suck and they're killing the team's season.  If they don't get it figured out, and it's seeming more and more like they won't, it won't matter how much of a career season Pavano and/or Delmon Young have - they won't win a division this way.  Seriously, at this point they might as well replace these three clowns with Jeff Manship, Anthony Swarzak, and Glen Perkins.  They couldn't possibly be worse.  I read they're finally at least moving Duensing into the rotation, but I have a feeling it might be both too little, and too late. 


Finally, and this could probably deserve all five spots on the Awesome list by itself, but here is Miguel Angel Jimenez's shot on 17 on Saturday.  Sadly, it still ended up as a double-bogey, but it's still pretty sweet and the kind of thing you'd be more likely to see in a game of Golden Tee.  Check it:

Week in Review - 6/28/2010

You know what's awesome?  Scottie Reynolds. Undrafted.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sweet.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  The World Cup.  I'm not a soccer fan, not really at all, but I really, truly dig the World Cup.  All these countries, battling to be the king of the most popular sport in the world, and the more I watch, the more I understand.  I now know the difference between a good, legal tackle and a foul.  I now know a lot of the strategies involved, including the cross and various versions of the give and go, and I knew enough to know that once Ghana scored it would be very difficult for the U.S. to tie it up, so when they did on Landon Donovan's penalty kick I knew enough to know it was pretty incredible (and on a related note, I also now know why a commenter on this blog who posted a lot about soccer used the handle "L. Cakes.")

Will I continue to be interested in soccer after the World Cup is over?  Almost certainly not.  Will I keep watching even though the U.S. has been eliminated?  You bet.  I'm even at the point where I understand all that passing around the mid-field area.  Seriously, if you can't enjoy the World Cup, you might want to re-evaluate yourself as a sports fan.  And probably as a person, too.

2.  Carl Pavano.  At the time when the rest of the Twins' starters are pitching as if they've gone retarded, creepy mustachioed man Carl Pavano is coming to the rescue, much as Super Mario comes to the rescue of the Princess whether she has been kidnapped by a giant, barrel throwing, mechanically inclined monkey or a giant, fire-breathing, axe-wielding turtle dragon.  A nice little complete game shut-out on Saturday to stop the season death-spiral of doom was just what Dr. Mario ordered, and is the second complete game he's spun in a row.  Pavano actually has shockingly good numbers this year.  His ERA of 3.33 is 16th in the AL, and his WHIP of 1.03 is second behind just future Twin Cliff Lee.  I'll do a more thorough breakdown of why Pavano is so frickin' good and if I think it will continue or is just fluky in a future post, but for now I suspect he either ate a mushroom or some kind of fireball flower.

3.  Edwin Jackson.  It doesn't really matter that he walked 8 guys, and it doesn't matter that it took 149 pitches, a no-hitter is a no-hitter.  And a no-hitter against the Rays is an awfully nice feather to place in one's cap, if one was so inclined.  I've featured Jackson on here before for being awesome, and he's just been out of this world lately.  After running up a record of 3-6 with a 6.03 ERA during the first two months of the season and causing people such as myself to wonder if he was a lost cause.  Well, now in June he's , all topped off by this no-hitter.

Of course, 149 pitches is ridiculous, and now he'll probably get lit up like a Blackburn the next couple of times out.  Then he'll be put on the 15-day DL with "arm soreness" or "dead arm."  He'll come back and get lit up again, and then will be shut down for the year.  Then it will come out that he needs offseason surgery on his arm and he'll miss a full year.  Then when he comes back his fastball will have lost about 5 mph and he won't be an effective starter.  He'll reinvent himself as a mediocre middle reliever and hang on for a couple years before ending up in the Northern League for a couple years.  But hey, at least got the no-hitter.  Sweet.


4.  R.A. Dickey.  What the hell?  I mean seriously, what is going on?  Dickey, after tossing eight shut-out innings on Wednesday against the Tigers, is now 6-0 with an ERA of 2.33 and a WHIP of 1.29 since joining the Mets rotation in mid-May.  Carlos Silva is 8-0 for the Cubs with an ERA of 3.01 and a WHIP of 1.05.  Livan Hernandez is 6-4 with an ERA of 3.10 and a WHIP of 1.28.  What do these three have in common, other than their ex-Twinness?  Well, for one, they are all three putting up better numbers that Matt Garza so far (8-5, 4.10, 1.31), the only ex-Twin starter I thought I would miss.  For two, they'd make a better 3-4-5 than Baker, Slowey, and Blackburn right now, and it's not even close.  I still believe these guys are going to regress, and regress hard, but I've been believing that for two months.  For now, I'll just say this is a bunch of crap, but it doesn't change the fact that Baker/Slowey/Blackburn suck.  We need some kind of nickname for these dickfors.  Like, the Sucktastic Three or something.   


5.  White Sox.  I know I mentioned them in this space last week, but the run continues and they are suddenly just X.X games out of first place.  Last week you could chalk up to a scheduling fluke since they swept the Pirates and Nationals, but this week included a sweep over the Braves, and that's no joke.  A joke would be "A woman goes to check out at the Super Market, and puts a carton of eggs, a package of bacon, a gallon of milk, and some butter on the conveyor.  The checkout guy looks at her groceries, looks at her, and says with conviction, 'You're definitely single.'  She looks at the guy and says, 'Wow, you could tell that just from four items I bought at the grocery store?'  He replies, "No, it's because you're f*cking ugly."

Anyway the Sox pitching is suddenly really awesome (particularly Peavy) and they're probably going to win the division after they end up trading for Prince Fielder.


WHO SUCKED

1.  Twins.  Really no other way to say it, these guys sucked balls this week.  A 1-5 road trip against a couple of middling National League teams?  Ugh.  And with the Tigers still playing well and the Sox nearly as hot as Alice Eve, we've got yet another three team barn burner in the central.  I really wish you could point to just one issue, but suddenly it's everything.  The pitching is completely mediocre, but giving up an average of 5.5 runs per game should lead to more than one win if you have a good offense - but suddenly they don't, scoring an average of just 2.5 runs per game themselves.

Getting shutdown by Yovani Gallardo is one thing - it sucks, but it's acceptable - and I guess Pelphrey has somehow become decent, but Manny Parra?  Jon frickin' Niese?  Special shout-out to Cuddy Bear for hitting .167 this week with no power and 3x as many strikeouts as hits.  Although to be fair, that might not be Cuddy's fault, since there was apparently a mandate that came down from high against hitting with any kind of power, since nobody bothered to this week unless they were going against Johan.  Apparently unless Carl Pavano comes to the rescue (see above comparison), this team is screwed.  Might as well not even bother trading for Lee.  Just becoming sellers and pick up some prospects.    

2. Timberwolves. Seriously, what the hell? The more I think about this draft the more upset I get. Wes Johnson is fine and was the obvious and necessary pick at #4, but after that they end up with another wing who has been in the league for five years and proved himself to be pretty mediocre, an undersized power forward, and two Euros? Euros never work out, everybody knows this. The success rate is like 4%. How would this have sounded instead: Johnson, James Anderson, Jordan Crawford, Soloman Alabi, and Derrick Caracter? Or Johnson, Anderson, Hassan Whiteside, Terrico White, and Gani Lawal? Either of those scenarios could have happened last night, with the trade of pick #23 or not. Instead they got the ball rolling with the insane trade of Luke Babbitt and Ryan Gomes for Martell Webster, and just kept doing baffling things all night. Gomes' contract is a valuable asset because it isn't guaranteed, why thrown him in on a deal that's probably already slanted against you? Why I expected anything more, I have no idea.

3.  Tommy Hanson.  There are bad games, and then there are epic bad games (hi Nick Blackburn).  Hanson's outing on Tuesday was essentially the quintessential definition of "getting the shit ripped out of him."  Three and two-thirds innings pitched, 13 hits allowed, 9 runs allowed.  13 hits.  An average of more than three per inning.  Nick Blackburn's worst outing was nowhere near this bad.  "But wait!", you say, "Blackburn had back-to-back crappy outings, surely he is worse than Hanson."  Not so fast my uninformed friends.  Hanson pitched again on Sunday, and again lasted just three and two-thirds innings, this time surrendering six runs on eight hits.  An improvement.  At this rate he might last past the fifth inning by sometime in August.  It's a deadheat betwixt him and Blackburn for the Livan Hernandez award for worst starter who keeps getting the ball (a fluky Livan year does not change the name of the award.)   

4.  Italy (and France).  Defending champions?  Ousted.  Dirty frenchies?  Heading home in complete disarray.  No, I'm not an expert or even a novice when it comes to soccer analysis so I can't and won't really try to break down any of this, but these teams were both expected to, at the very least, advance to the knockout stage.  But they didn't, with France losing to both South Africa and Mexico and Italy losing to Slovakia and tying Paraguay (ok) and New Zealand (mind-boggling) to finish last in their group.  Seeing how soccer is the #1 sport over there, and the World Cup is the by far biggest event, I'm guessing there are a lot of wine drinkers not very happy right now.  Seriously, in Italy they have taps for wine right next to the beer taps.  Crazy.

[UPDATE:  I'm going to go ahead and throw England in here too, since I'm watching them get destroyed by Germany in the first knockout round.  Good god, they play defense like the Golden State Warriors.]

5.  A.J. Burnett.  At this point we almost have to assume he's actively trying to sabotage the Yankees, right?  In his two starts this week, Burnett lasted just seven combined innings, giving up 15 hits and 13 earned runs with an 8-to-9 walk-to-strikeout ratio.  And he certainly didn't waste any time setting the tone for the week, giving up three home runs in the first inning of his first start (against Arizona).  He's striking out about a third less batters this year than in previous years, giving up about 25% more home runs, and allowing batters to hit about .030 higher.  Oh, and he's lost a full mile per hour off his fastball, and it's by far his worst pitch, but since he's lost confidence in his curve for some reason he's throwing it far more often.  Which would explain why he continues to get hammered.  That's four out of five starts where he's given up at least six runs, three straight where he's pitched four innings or less, and a season ERA of 5.25, which ranks 51st out of 56 pitchers in the A.L. who qualify (Nick Blackburn is last), and a WHIP of 1.54, which is 49th.  Oh, and he's still owed $66 million over the next four seasons.  And THAT my friends, is really a joke.   


Lastly, I need to make a very, very strong movie review and I'm telling you to go rent She's Out of My League.  Funny throughout with several laugh out loud moments ("I'm sorry, are you a plane doctor?") and really hilarious scenes (bowling), to go along with a super hot chick.  Very strongly recommended.  The anti-Scottie Reynolds of movies, if you will.

Plus, this:

Tuesday Talkings (mostly Twins signing talk, plus a little racism)

With no Gopher game until the weekend I should probably figure something else out to blog about this week.  I also haven't done the random writing whatever strikes my fancy post in quite some time.  The perfect storm!

-  First off, don't forget to play this awesome time-waster of a game. It's basketball on the computer, so it's like basketball for white people. So far since I posted yesterday it's been played 45 times and I'm still the champion. I'm like the Blake Hoffarber of fake basketball. Try to beat me, I dare you. Come on, you're really not all that important at work, trust me. Just don't forget to put in a nickname so you can claim credit for your pitiful score.

-  Speaking of basketball for white people, there's some not-at-all-rednecky guys trying to start up a basketball league for white people.  According to the league's founder, "Moose" Lewis, "people of white, American born citizens are in the minority now" and the whiteys only league is a league "for white people to play fundamental basketball, which they like" rather than a league like the NBA which is just "street ball" played by "people of color."

This guy is a genius.  A likely sociopath, but a genius all the same.  Are you telling me you wouldn't want to watch a league where Blake would be an athletic superstar?  Or watch Kirk Penny take David Grim to the hole?  And imagine someone like Ryan Anderson in that league?  He'd be like the white Larry Bird.  Granted this idea is about sixty years too late, but who says we can't turn back the clock?  Look at John Travolta or Julio Franco.

Credit given to With Leather, which is where I saw the story and also where I ganked that sweet image from above. 

-  Ok, with news from 1950 out of the way now we can get to the real important stuff:  all those Twins' signings today.  In case you missed it, the team signed all 8 of its arbitration eligible players today.  Let's look:

1. Brendan Harris, 2 years/$3.2 million.  Interesting that Harris got two years on his deal, and it's good for him because he gets about a $1 million raise over his salary last year.  I'd feel a lot better about this if he was the team's #1 utility guy but you know that's going to be Punto.  Since Gardy refuses to play Harris at second and Hardy is hear now the Twins are now paying $1.6 mil per year for either a backup utility player who will get 250 at-bats which sucks or for their starting third baseman which sucks because that means Harris is the starting third baseman.
2. Carl Pavano, 1 year/$7 million.  That feels like an awful lot to pay Pavano, but if he stays healthy he's good for 200 innings and although his ERA was high last year it probably shouldn't have been because his secondary pitching stats were all pretty solid and his xFIP (Fielding Independant Pitching, sort of a way to attempt to quantify what you would expect a pitcher's ERA to be based on his secondary stats) was a nice 3.96.  Fangraphs actually pegged his estimated value at $16.5 million last year and estimates it will be $13 million this year.  Seems high, but if he stays healthy and pitches like he did last year that $7 million will be a steal.
3. J.J. Hardy, 1 year/$5.1 million.  Pretty much a no brainer after picking him up for Gomez and the Twins probably saved a little money by not going to arbitration.  Even in a down year, and last year was way, way down, he's probably worth more than $5 million, so this is a good deal for the Twins.
4. Matt Guerrier, 1 year/$3.15 million.  Heath Bell just signed a 1-year/$4 million deal with the Padres, and it's hard for me to believe Guerrier is worth anywhere near what Bell is.  But then you look at the numbers:  2.36 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, a league-leading 79 games and 76 very good innings, and I suppose he is worth quite a bit.  A classic case of passing the numbers test but not the eye test, and since I'm a numbers guy I have to approve of this one, even if his middle name is Olson.
   
5. Delmon Young, 1 year/$2.6 million.  If he has that breakout season $2.6 million is a steal.  If we keep saying "if he has that breakout season" over and over again, eventually those "low-salary" seasons are going to add up to a whole lot of wasted time.
6. Jesse Crain, 1 year/$2 million.  $2 million for a player who hasn't been good since 2005?  I still have no idea why they offered him arbitration.  Let him go and I almost guarantee the Royals would have signed him, then the Twins get to light him up 18 times or whatever.  Win/win.
7. Francisco Liriano, 1 year/$1.6 million.  Good thing they didn't give him an Evan Longoria deal after that hot start in 2006, huh?  Still, similar to Delmoney, if he does come all the way back $1.6 is a steal.  Expect fluff pieces about how good Liriano's looked to start flooding in all spring training.  Oh wait!  They've already started (scroll down a bit, the actual article from pioneer press is already in the archives).
8. Pat Neshek, 1 year/$625k.  Pretty good living for never pitching, no?  Is he ever coming back?  Is he even still alive?  Did he change his name to Clay Condrey and start pitching overhand? 
   

Overall, pretty good signings I suppose. Nothing to blow your skirt up, but outside of the Crain signing (and the second year to Harris) nothing I'd quibble with.  Just get Mauer signed and then we can all be happy.  And also sign somebody to play third base.  And not Melvin Mora, somebody good.

-  I feel like I should probably apologize to Andy Rautins.  I know somewhere on this stupid blog I called something like "a shooting specialist who can't shoot" and although that might have been true in the past (37% field goal shooter his first three years) it certainly isn't anymore and he's a huge reason the Cuse are 18-1 and a viable national title contender.  He's increased his shooting percentage to 46%, including 41.7% from three (#2 in the Big East amongst players with at least 100 attempts), and he basically runs the offense for the Orange in the halfcourt.  Perhaps most telling, he's averaging the same amount of points as last year in the same amount of minutes but is taking 1.5 less shots per game and has upped his assists from 3.0 per game last year to 5.1 this year, good for fourth in the Big East.  That, my friends, is how you take the senior year leap.  Eric Harris did it.  Travarus Bennett did it.  Damian Johnson is trying to do it.  And Lawrence Westbrook can go to hell.

-  Finally, I've read two very disappointing books in a row ("Pirate Latitudes" by Michael Crichton which I would give a 1/10 and "Altar of Eden" by James Rollins which I would give a 5/10 but usually his books are at least an 8 so that's why it was a bummer) so I'm think I'm going to branch out and give this book a roll.  I'll keep you posted, but it sounds pretty interesting.  Plus I am a pretty big fan of sports gambling.  Biggest downside here is that it could make me want to quit my job, leave my family, and move to Vegas.  Or is that the upside?