Super Shark is Super Puke

Well I have nothing better to do with my time and the Tivo is busy Tivo-ing so I can't watch the Twins, so might as well dip once again into the well and see what all I have as far as giant aquatic creature movies.  Yes that's right, I'm once again going for the Live Movie Blog.  As I look, I have Super Shark and Sharktopus on this TV, and I don't feel like going downstairs or walking all the way to the DVD cabinet so it's going to be one of these two.  Super Shark is about a giant, prehistoric shark terrorizing a seaside town and stars the blonde Duke from Dukes of Hazzard who I think was Bo.  Sharktopus is about exactly what you think it is and stars Julia Roberts brother.  Both are off SyFy so possibility of nudity is nil in both cases.  I'm going with Super Shark, it at least sounds like it has a chance to not suck, right? right?

-  On IMDB this has a rating of 2.5/10.  For reference, Piranhaconda was a 2.9.  I'm fucked.

-  Interesting wrinkle in that we're starting the movie off with military guys guarding a beach with big-ass guns.  Usually that doesn't happen until later.  And there''s the shark.  Which just beached itself and isnot leaping about the sand like a god damn Super Mario Brother and roaring the entire time.  Yes, roaring the entire time while bouncing around the beach like the sand was a trampompolline.  And science-y looking chick says, "this isn't working" and then cut to credits.  So we've got:

1.  Shark roaring
2.  Shark on land and mobile
3.  A complete disregard for science
4.  Ignoring of the Jaws formula of "tease, hint, but don't reveal your monster until later in the movie"

And we're one minute in.  Great.

-  ....one week earlier.....there are some dudes on an oil derrick who broke through the earth's crust or something and caused an earthquake where the "Super Shark" came out of the ground and somehow caused an explosion and then leaped out the water and grabbed part of the thing and pulled it under water.  Yeah.  I'm going to go refreshen this rum and coke so it's way stronger.

-  Obligatory beach shot while credits run to music.  No gratuitous shots of female body parts.  This is rough.

-  There's your gratuitous bikini shot right there, and on a sluttier looking Ana Faris kind of chick too.  I dig.

-  Her dude or whatever is scuba diving and asked her to throw a net into the water for some reason so she did and it made the super shark roar and then turn around like it was all mad.  It's true, sharks hate nets that are thrown in the water for no reason.

-  This is the girl who has been walking around in a bikini for like, 7 minutes.  Well done SyFy, well done.

This is where 2.4 of that 2.5 rating come from

-  Suddenly the two-way radio between her and her dude goes nothing but static, so she unplugs it.  Brains are not her best feature.  I can't decide what is yet, but it's not brains.

-  And now she's dead because the shark jumped out of the air and landed on the boat.  Yep, I wish I was the kind of guy who could paint a picture with words because that was just shitty stupid.  And that's twice now this shark has jumped, and like 5-8 times if you include that opening scene.  I think the producer/director/writer of this watched Air Jaws a few too many times.

-  In this movie, Quint will be played by a hawaiian shirt wearing, cowboy hat wearing, swisher sweet smoking, fruity umbrella drink with a bendy straw drinking, sunglasses around the neck on a string having caricature of Jimmy Buffet.  Christ.

-  Science chick just told Buffet that he should take her to the site of the oil platform crash or whatever and gave him a bunch of money and he said it's off limits and she said "my badge says Oceanic Investigation Bureau, it'll get us past anyone."  That can't be a real thing, right?  Then on the boat ride out she takes off the fancy jacket and nice blouse so she can just sunbathe in a bikini.  Not that I'm arguing, but that can't be consider professional conduct by the Oceanic Investigation Bureau.  If she's not careful she's going to get a censure.

-  I'm 17 minutes into this movie.  17.  Shit.

-  FYI:  Josh Willingham is officially known as "Mrs. W's boyfriend" around our house.  Just thought ya'll should know.

-  Science chick is now telling Luke Duke that the area where that oil platform sank is loaded with chemicals.   Well no shit.  then she gets all hard-assy on him and he manages to somehow turn that into a dinner date.  Oh, I'm sure she doesn't think of it as a date, but once she has a couple glasses of wine and he turns on that duke boy charm her pants will be on the floor of the General Lee before she even realizes she's been roofied.

-  The shark roared again.

-  Ooh, there was a survivor of the oil rig accident.  Which honestly doesn't make a lick of sense because the whole thing blew up and was then pulled underwater by the most roaringest shark since Jaws 4.

-  Plus this guy (we'll call him Kobe because he looks like Kobe) actually saw the shark, which is also stupid because in that scene Kobe was down in bowels of station or whatever and then somehow apparently sprinted to the top where he saw the shark and then somehow survived when the whole top level exploded and also survived when it got pulled over.  He really is like Kobe, except he'd probably recognize the talent he has in the paint and work to get them involved in the offense.

-  Suddenly now there's a navy sub for some reason.  I know it's the Navy because the operators are all wearing the kind of NAVY hats you can buy at Walmart.

-  The shark is ramming the sub with it's head at it's side, kind of in a "I'd really like to get to know you biblically" kind of way.  Sexy.

-  Never mind it bit the sub in half instead.  Man, talk about a violent relationship.  This shark's got nothing on Dez Bryant, who, by the way, is a cornerstone in my rebuilding effort in our Fantasy Football keeper league. Ass.

-  THERE WAS POTASSIUM FELDSPAR IN THE WATER!  It HYDROLIZES INTO KAOLINITE AND QUARTZ AND POTASSIUM HYDROXIDE!  IT CAN CREATE A CHEMICAL THAT CAN BREAK DOWN ROCKS!

-  This lady is a dummy.  She thinks this hyrdolizing thing caused the rocks around the base of the oil platform to crumble thus causing it to sink.  Stupid lady, we all know it was a shark.  Excuse me, a super shark.

-  Potassium Feldspar is used to make glass and ceramics.  Kaolinite is used in medicines and paper manufacturing.  Quartz is quartz.  Potassium Hydroxide is actually corrosive, but in a way where it's used in batteries and cuticle removers, but it's most common use is to make soap and biodiesel which I assume is some kind of fuel.  Hydrolysis is a real thing that means the breakdown of chemicals by the addition of water.  So in theory all of those words science lady used could happen, except for the part where it created something that basically melted rock.  Also known as, "the whole half-assed scientific theory this movie is based on."  Plus the shark roars.

-  By the way, congrats should go out to Snacks and Mrs. Snacks as they welcomed their first child, Baby Lukas, into the world late Monday evening.  Pretty cool stuff, though I would have gone with a "c".

-  Two life guard girls who have been in several scenes but have been too boring to mention are now at some karaoke bar with some dude that looks like that mean guy from the OC but isn't.  Also earlier that one lifeguard lady was like telling the other lifeguard lady how they'd have a big party for her birthday but now it's just the three of them and this is very sad.  But it turns out there's a bikini contest, so all is not lost.

-  This bikini contest is sad.  And a sad bikini contest is the saddest thing of all.

-  Oh snap!  The birthday girl life guard girl decided to join the contest and be brave and strip because of course she had her bikini on under her clothes and she was all happy until she turned and looked and saw OC guy and other lifeguard girl guy making out.  Sad.  Reminded me of when Screech saw Zack and Lisa making out before the fashion show at the Max.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

-  I wasn't paying attention and there was an Advil commercial that I thought was part of the movie.  I'm not sure if that says more about this movie or me but I'm a stupid free blogger and this is a movie that presumably cost 10s of thousands of dollars I assume.  Right?  100s?  I don't know.  How much does something like this cost?  And what can the profit margin possibly be?  Like 8 bucks?  I hope.

-  These lifeguards broads are arguing over that OC dude and then the one who didn't get the guy said I wish I was dead and then the shark ate her by jumping on the beach which is genius.  Then it ate her traitorous friend by jumping again and eating her.  The shark bouncing through sand is actually starting to win me over.  It's the stupidest thing ever other than Sex and the City but god damn at least they're consistent.  Something to be said for that I assume but I'm drunk so shut your mother.

-  The shark just ate somebody.  I don't know.  What am I, Kreskin?

-  Man, the Oceanic Bureau of Investigation sure does have a lax dresscode, because she's just out there and loving any minute of it.  and it worked because her and Jimmy Buffet guy just found he shark, AND IT'S CIRCLING THE BOAT!  The wake trailing behind the dorsal fin also looks like a child drew it with crayon.

-  Huh.  It seems that if you turn off your radio a giant prehistoric shark that is circling your boat for no real reason will leave.  Actually, now Investigator Boobsy explains that the shark was giving off it's own radio waves that were interfering with the boat's radio.  Yep, that's their explanation.

-  Bikini photo shoot on the beach.  I fear for these ladies lives.  But of course, the killer animal in this is a shark and they aren't actually in the water, so clearly they're safe.  Of course they're not safe you fool!  Did you forget we aren't dealing with some kind of regular old Tom Gugliotta of sharks, this is like, the kind of sharks!  The Kevin Durant or Rico Tucker of sharks!  And right on cue sharky boy jumps onto the beach and eats the photographer and both girls, but not before the blond one tries to beat it up by using a beach umbrella as a javelin or a jousting stick thing.  It didn't work.

-  Science lady, who it turns out is not an actual investigator with the ocean CSI or whatever but is in reality a hippie who hates people who drill for sweet, sweet oil, is now hammered at the bar because apparently she hates sharks or something.  I don't know.  I'd post a picture of the young lass but sadly I can't find a good one.  Or I'm struggling to use google properly.

-  Here comes the army or whatever to try to kill the shark before the big 4th of July festivities.  I was going to make a joke here but I got nothin'.

-  Speaking of gotting nothing, we went to a meat raffle tonight - me, TRE, Dr. Acula, Theory, and Lunny and TRE won twice (two $20 giftcards to a meat store), Theory won once (one giftcard), I won once (Six burgundy pepper marinated strip steaks), and Dr. Acula and Lunny were shutout in your face.  I don't have any idea if those steaks are good but I won and wanted steak and it was either that or kabobs and the kabobs had vegetables on them and I didn't go to a vegetable raffle.

-  Fake Dr. boobsy is winning me over.  Mostly with the cleavage.  Also winning me over?  When I logged into an online sportsbook I hadn't used in about a year and saw over $300 in there.  Sweet.  Can't wait to blow it.

-  We're back at the part with the army on the beach from before.  I bet you guys like, $80 the shark jumps on the beach and eats that tank and all that shit.

-  Bullets seem to only make super shark mad.  Also this looks like something my son could creaate with his toy shark and army men, plus a little ketchup.  Shark is actually walking on the beach on it's fins right now.  I might be drunk enough for this to be sweet.  Also, and this is quite the run-on post already, sharks hate fire.  Apparently.

-  Shark dude just jumped way the eff up in the air and took down Maverick and Goose.  Probably a deleted scene from Top Gun.

-  Best British Open Bets (to win):  Sergio 30-1, Poulter 40-1, Furyk 40-1, Johnson 40-1, Stricker 60-1.

-  Everyone is now listening to crazy fake ocean cop lady.  She, with no examination mind you, says the shark has too tough of skin to shoot and is completely neutralized and/or driven crazy by radio waves because it omits waves, also claims it flies because it jumps, can walk on it's fins, and was trapped in rock, but was still alive, and escaped after the hydrolizing agent was used by the oil companies.   And she delivers it so earnestly it's like she forgot what movie she is in.

-  Mayor guy or whoever doesn't really care except to say "Those beaches must be open for the fourth of July."  Pretty sure Jaws guy did this better.

-  And she's sexing Jimmy Buffet guy who is once again wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  This movie makes me hurt.

-  The army dudes are going with some kind of walking tank, while Jimmy Buffet and his lady are rocking some pretty serious speakers.  I will bet you $40 right now they end up doing something like cranking up the radio and it makes the sharks head explode.  $40.

-  That stupid tank thing misses the shark by like 90 feet every time it tries to shoot.  Stupid tank.

-  This.  This is.....just indescribable.  there are no words.  It's just jumping around on the beach like Misti May (who married shitty baseball player Matt Traynor, by the way).

This is what you get when you're a failed baseball player.

-  Fake science lady blew up the shark by throwing a boombox in it's mouth.  I think there was something about explosives in there too but I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy looking for pictures and doesn't it just seem right that throwing a boombox in the sharks mouth and like, turning it on or something would fit this movie well.  I think so, and that's how I choose to believe this ended.  Makes it easier when i think about how I spent my time watching this instead of gambling.

Monday's Musings (Twins, British Open, Tomlin, TV, Noodle Arms, etc.)

Well it's begun already.  I suppose it was inevitable.  I was listening to the telecast of the Twins first game and they were talking about the Twins possibly making any moves at the trade deadline.  You probably already know where this is going.  So Bert says, he says, "You know, with Span and Kubel about to come off the DL and Morneau down the road (ED:  yeah right) the Twins don't really need to make a move, getting those guys back is already better than making a trade.

Yes.  It's true.  You knew it was coming.  I'm pretty sure you'll hear that same sentiment at least three more times from various announcers/coaches/scribes/radio dudes, and every time you should know it makes me die a little inside.

Speaking of the Twins and dying how freaking bad is Matt Capps?   Meanwhile, in case you're curious, Wilson Ramos is hitting .257/.333/.442 with 9 homers for the Nationals and has thrown out 36% of would-be base stealers.  What that essentially means is he's a Drew Butera who can hit.  I'm not exactly sure of the wording yet, but I'm pretty sure if I end up killing myself in the next month or so I want that on my tombstone.  That or sausage and pepperoni and green pepper.

-  The British Open was kind of interesting in a boring way.  Once again it proved itself to be nearly impossible to predict.  I mean, look how many top guys missed the cut here:  #1 Luke Donald, #2 Lee Westwood, #8 Matt Kuchar, #10 Nick Watney., #11 Graeme McDowell  I guess in retrospect it shouldn't have been surprising that Donald missed it because he's a bit of a dandy, but the other three were definite surprises.  But it makes sense.  Look at who has won this thing lately:  Darren Clarke, Louis Oosthuizen, Stewart "gayest golfer on the tour" Cink.  Before that were two for Paddy and two for Tiger, but this tournament is definitely most likely to be won by a stunner.  Tom Watson's almost win.  Todd Hamilton who I could have sworn was a figure skater.  Ben Curtis.  John Daly.

I'm not even sure it's real golf over there.  But there's no doubt that there are a few guys who you can never count out in a major no matter how badly they look like they're playing in the previous weeks:  Phil, Dustin Johnson, Anthony Kim, Y.E. Yang - always a threat in majors.  Just like guys like Hunter Mahan, Luke Donald, and Ian Poulter have proven it doesn't matter how they're playing or how they're trending or what they're course history is - they can miss a cut at any time.

And the saddest thing of all?  Jim Furyk and Retief Goosen used to be in group 1, but now I think you gotta put them in group 2.  Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, it tolls for thee.

-  As I pointed out last week, Indians' starter Josh Tomlin has a chance to become just the 16th pitcher to qualify for the batting title and finish the season with more home runs allowed than walks allowed.  He took another step towards history on Friday when he allowed 3 home runs to the Orioles against just 1 walk, bringing his season totals to 18 HR allowed and 15 BB allowed.  Additionally, with 11 wins so far he has a chance to become the second most winning pitcher who gave up more homers than walks behind Robin Roberts 19 wins in 1956.  He won't catch Roberts but if he can get to 17 wins he'll pass Greg Maddux, Jose Lima, and Rick Reed to hold the solo second position.  I dunno.  Seems significant.

- Speaking of dominant pitching did you see Jeff Karstens threw a 83-pitch 5-hit shutout for the suddenly playoff-contending Pirates on Friday?  I don't know which part is weirder - that somebody actually only needed 83 pitches to finish a game or that it was Karstens who has thrown a complete game since 2008 because he's usually too busy getting schellacked.  Since I know you're wondering I looked it up and this is the 15th time since 2000 that somebody has thrown a 9-inning complete game using 83 pitches or less.  So I guess it's not as unbelievable as I thought, especially since included in that group are Carlos Silva (74 pitches in 2005) and Scott Baker (79 pitches in 2007) and I don't remember either of them.  I guess my whole equilibrium is just off since the Pirates are in contention.

-  I don't think I've mentioned this before, but the kids' show Phineas and Ferb is one of the five best shows on TV.  Parks and Rec, Community, Game of Thrones, Curb, and Phineas and Ferb.  If you have kids, get them hooked on this immediately.  Whereas I want to stab my own face off after more than one episode of most kids' shows - especially Mickey Mouse Clubhouse - I could sit and watch Phineas and Ferb by myself for hours, so it's actually not torture to sit and watch with Wonderbaby^TM.   The Bear got a few episodes with us a few weeks back and he laughed out loud a couple of times, and he hates everything, so you know it's good.

-  Honestly, if you grabbed 100 random people from local softball leagues how many of them do you think would have a better arm than Ben Revere?  I wouldn't - I'm a kick-ass infielder - but how many out of 100?  I know Snacks has a better arm and a couple other guys I play/played softball with do.  I'm willing to bet it's at least 25%.  I love Ben Revere and all - he's 10x the center fielder Span was and twice Gomez - but that arm is terrifyingly bad.

-  I just bought these shoes because I need something for casual Fridays at work.  Thoughts?

- Joe Mauer, as of this second, has six hits in this doubleheader.  That's pretty impressive, but what really stands out to me is that one of those hits is a double.  I mean, do you know how rare that is for the "Singles King of Minnesota?" (he's like Abe Froman but different). 

-  I don't like this new Eric on True Blood.  I also don't understand what's up with these "faeries. And Pam is way less hot now. "  I also don't think Anna Paquin has gotten naked yet this season, which is stupid because it's probably 25% of why I watch this show.  Another 25% is hoping Jessica will do a nude scene already. 

The remaining 50% is because Mrs. W is hoping to see some Alcide wang.  True story.

-  Pretty good debut by Scott Diamond here (Twins trailing 2-1 in bottom 6), and it damn well better be since he cost them Billy Bullock.  You know, the same Billy Bullock who was a 2nd round pick and was a rare minor league arm in the system who could strike people out from the bullpen.  In case you're curious in AA for Atlanta this year he's pitched 37 innings, allowed 29 hits, walked 19, and struck out fucking 53.  Good thing they don't need him though.

-  Looks like while I was taking out the trash/slicing some celery/making a drink the Twins tied it up and then left Diamond in for too long, brought in Phil Dumacrap, and now they're about to get swept in this double-header, the exact double header they could have used to basically slingshot start into a second half pennant run.  Nice.

-  Speaking of Wonderbaby^TM back whenever I mentioned her she's now somehow gotten to the age where going to bed is equivalent in terribleness to the holocaust.   Honest to god I think she's insane.  She will completely agree to "Ok, one more Phineas and Ferb and then it's bedtime.  No whining, no crying, no fighting" and say those exact words and everything but the minute that show is over and I tell her it's really bedtime we're looking at meltdown city.  This one time she actually grabbed the scimitar I keep on the counter and took a swipe at me.  True story.

-  Requisite picture of my idiot kids:

And here's a picture of my kick-ass son trying to house a chicken wing despite being significantly tooth-challenged:

-  Is it insensitive to say that Chuck James looks like he has either the AIDS or the cancer?  Because if it is then I totally didn't say that, it was a friend of mine who wanted to know.

-  Pitches like one too.

-  Freakin' Babe Plouffe indeed.  Too bad everyone else on the team sucks more balls than your mom.

-  I hate the Twins and I hate all of you.

British Open Wagering Picks

No time for talk:

To win:  

Davis Love III 80-1

Kyung-Tae Kim 200-1

Nick Watney 25-1

Jason Day 25-1

Retief Goosen 40-1

Ross Fisher 60-1

Others:

No Hole in One -160

Jason Day +115 over Kuchar

Martin Kaymer -105 over McDowell

KJ Choi +115 over Schwartzel

Week in Review - 7/19/2010

It is truly amazing how truly, frighteningly awful my golf picks for the majors have been so far this year. First, I was absolutely convinced Jim Furyk was going to win The Masters. He shot 80 on Day 1 and missed the cut. Then I made Hunter Mahan my pick for the U.S. Open. He shot 80 on Day 1 and missed the cut. For the British Open, I couldn't decide between Ernie Els and Justin Rose. They both missed the cut. And, I went on and on about how awesome the British Open is, and then we end up with the boringest major in a hundred years. Seriously, congratulations to Oosterhuizen and everything, but he got lucky twice with weather to get a big lead then coasted to the win and nobody ever bothered to challenge him. Impressive win to be sure, but boring as all hell.


In conclusion, I suck.



WHO WAS AWESOME


1.  Carl Pavano.  Honestly, what more can be said about Pavano at this point?  Who would think he'd be putting up a career year at this point?  His 3.48 ERA would be his third best ever, second best if you make more than 100 innings a requirement.  His 1.03 WHIP would be the best of his career.  His four complete games (3 out of his last six games) are already double his career best, and his 1 shutout ties his season best.  A 34-year old soft-tossing nancy is suddenly one of the best pitchers in the league and capable of carrying a staff - like he did with his complete game on Saturday, just when the Twins needed it most.  And he may be getting a little lucky BABIP and strand rate-wise, but really not much.  This is a legit career year.  So let's not waste it, kids.

2.  Francisco Liriano.  Might as well include him here, too, since he came up with a pretty big outing on Friday right when they needed him too.  Similar ERA to Pavano, but they've arrived there in different ways.  Liriano has allowed more baserunners, has struck out a lot more guys,and where Pavano has been been a bit lucky Liriano has been a bit unlucky, but either way it's clear these two are going to have to carry this team.  Not saying they're Drysdale/Koufax or anything, but it certainly seems like we have ourselves a bit of a "Liriano and Pavano and pray for a tornado" kind of situation.  It works better if you pronounce tornado with a bit of a schwa sound.  Or like you imagine a British guy would say it.

3.   Tim Lincecum.  It's sort of boring to write about Wiley Wiggins here seeing as how he's won the last two NL Cy Young awards and just kind of keeps chugging along.  He picked up win #10 for the year on Thursday, just cruising against the Mets with a six-hit shut-out.  He is once again leading the league in strikeouts and is top 10 in ERA, and although he probably won't win a third straight, he can take solace in the fact that if you put his name into google when it does that thing where it adds words onto your search, "Tim Lincecum Weed" is the first entry.  Also I know I'm not exactly the first person to make the Tim Lincecum/Mitch Kramer comparison, but come on, it's uncanny.  Creepy, even.  And don't forget, Mitch Kramer was a pitcher.  Do you think they're the same person?  Cuz it'd be a lot cooler if you did.

4.  Demarcus Cousins.  He tailed off a bit towards the last couple of games of Summer League, finishing 1-12 and 3-15 from the floor in the final two games, but Cousins looks like he is everything he was advertised to be, and maybe even more.  What I saw with my own eyes was a guy who showed a more complete offensive game than he ever did at Kentucky.  I think in college he didn't have to show an impressive offensive game because he could just overpower everyone, but in Summer League he really showed that he can score in a lot of ways.  Nice.  But what I read about, was how he complained about every call, got in running verbal battles with every opponent, and basically acted completely uncoachable.  Kind of like he was in college, but worse.  Much worse.  One thing is for certain - this is going to be an interesting ride.        

5.  Gordon Beckham.  Funny Beckham story.  He's struggled all year, and was hitting just .216 going into Thursday's first post All-Star Break game agains the Twins - a game Snacks and I attended.  As Beckham gets up for his first at-bat, Snacks turns to me to say, "What happened to this guy?  I thought there was going to be a new guy to hate in the division for years, instead he looks like he's going to get sent down" and before he can even get to "guy", Beckham hammers the ball over the fence on his way to 2-3 night.  He then went 2-3 and 1-3 before finishing the series by going 4-4 against the Twins.  So to recap, he sucks.  Snacks questions his ability.  He responds by going 9-13.  So Snacks single-handedly saved Gordon Beckham's career.  Thanks a lot, A-hole!


WHO SUCKED

1.  Dan Gladden.  I've ripped Gladden here before, both for using the nickname "Dazzle Man" as well as for being a complete dickmitten when it comes to talking about baseball, but he hit a new low on Thursday, low enough that a low-level meaningless third-rate blogger thinks he deserves his own section in WHO SUCKED.  Anyway, to refresh your memory, the Twins lost to the Sawx thanks to Kevin Slowey and Alex Burnett sucking, plus little baby boy Morneau's headache kept him out of the lineup.  It was the first game after the All-Star Break, and thanks to Kate J. I attended.  On the way home, the Dazzle Man's reason for the loss, "You know, after three days off it's tough to get back into the rhythm of playing again."  Now is probably where I should go into some kind of tirade, but this one is just so over the top I'm just going to stop talking and let it sink in.  I'm not talking now.  Be the ball, Danny.


2. Al-Farouq Aminu.  Remember how last week I was talking about the Clippers sucked and were making bad offs-eason decisions including their drafting of Aminu and then there was that one guy who left a comment and said I was stupid?  Well who's laughing now?  Aminu has been B-R-U-T-A-L in Summer League.  He's shot 29% in the five games, with games where he shot 4-13, 3-12, and 3-15.  Even in his best shooting game where he went 4-9 he turned it over 4 times and committed 8 fouls (they allow 10 for some reason).  And for a 6-9 athletic player five rebounds per game in Summer League isn't very good.  Basically he's shown one skill and that's getting fouled and making free throws.  Valuable to be sure, but it wouldn't kill him to hit a shot once in a while. 

3.  Justin Morneau.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY!!!???!?!?

4.  Bobby Jenks.  It's always nice to know that you're never quite out of the game when you still get to hit against Bobby Jenks aka "Stupid Fat Idiot" as he's known around my house.  One of the announcers kept harping about how Jenksy was 20-21 in save opportunities for the year and had saved 15 in a row, and I kept thinking that's awfully hard to believe.  Then you look at his stats and see he has an ERA of 4.76 and a WHIP of 1.56, and things are even more confusing.  Basically he's somehow doing an ok job, but when he flames out he flames out spectacularly, as we all know.  In the ten games this year where he's allowed at least one run in half of them he allowed at least two and three times he's allowed three.  So basically when he comes in the game he either shuts you right down or you're going to light him up like he was Nick Blackburn. 

5.  Scott Baker/Kevin Slowey/Nick Blackburn.  Good god take your pick, because these guys all suck and they're killing the team's season.  If they don't get it figured out, and it's seeming more and more like they won't, it won't matter how much of a career season Pavano and/or Delmon Young have - they won't win a division this way.  Seriously, at this point they might as well replace these three clowns with Jeff Manship, Anthony Swarzak, and Glen Perkins.  They couldn't possibly be worse.  I read they're finally at least moving Duensing into the rotation, but I have a feeling it might be both too little, and too late. 


Finally, and this could probably deserve all five spots on the Awesome list by itself, but here is Miguel Angel Jimenez's shot on 17 on Saturday.  Sadly, it still ended up as a double-bogey, but it's still pretty sweet and the kind of thing you'd be more likely to see in a game of Golden Tee.  Check it:

Quick British Open Thoughts

Very quickly, here are your best values for the Open:

Alvaro Quiros 85-1
Ben Crane 90-1
Chris Wood 66-1
Ed Molinari 75-1
Ernie Els 14-1
Geoff Ogilvy 80-1


And that's about all I like.  Really too unpredictable of a tournament to get involved in.  Still really like Justin Rose, but he's moved to 12-1 now so it's not even worth it. 

All-Star Game Jibber Jabber (aka I rock at cooking)

So here was my plan.  I was going to blog about possible other options with Cliff Lee off the board for the Twins tonight and then give a little British Open preview tomorrow.  However I've had a great day.  At work I had the opportunity to meet Disturbed and listen to their new album (dropping 8/31) and it was awesome.  Sounded great and the guys were cool as hell.  Then I came home and my parents came over and I grilled them up the awesomest meal ever:  Herb & Garlic grilled pork chops, grilled lemon pepper asparagus, and grilled seasoned american fries.  It was out of this world good.  And now I have a couple Negra Modelos in me, along with a couple of Brewfarm Selects, and their might have been a daquiri mixed in there, so I'm feeling good, and we're going to blog the All-Star game.  Maybe you'll get some possible Twin targets, and maybe you'll get some British Open.  I don't know.  What am I, Nostradamus?

-  Ok, so we might as well break down this Twins crap.  They aren't going to go after Oswalt or Haren.  Too much money remaining, plus Oswalt has basically ruled out the AL central teams and has a no trade clause, and the D-Backs owner has said he would need to be "blown away" to trade Haren.  Not going to happen.  The Cubs are clearly looking to trade either or both of Ted Lilly or Ryan Dempster, and I am interested in Lilly but Dempster is worthless.  The real problem with Lilly is that he's now the hands down #1 arm on the market, and with just $6 mil this year (pro-rated) and nothing due to him after that, he's an attractive arm and everybody is going to be putting on their lowest cut top and body glitter to go after him.  Pretty sure the Twins philosophy is more Kelly Kapowski than Valerie Malone, so they have no chance.

-  Other options are Jake Westbrook, Kevin Millwood, and Ben Sheets, but do you really think they'd upgrade the Twins rotation?  Oh, right.  Blackburn.  Good point.  Still, I can't imagine anybody being dumb enough to give up anything of substance for any of those guys.

-  Another name I heard on the radio today is Jarrod Washburn, who has been linked to the Twins more often than Audrina to Justin Bobby.  He hasn't pitched all year but somehow a completely mediocre pitcher is going to command a big salary and come in and contribute in a pennant race?  Please.  In all seriousness, as bad as Blackburn and, frankly, the rest of the rotation have been I don't really see any way they can improve unless they can find a way to steal Lilly away.  Of course, if David Kahn was in charge of the Twins he'd trade Orlando Hudson and Jason Kubel for Livan Hernandez and a $7 million trade exemption, so I guess we're lucky tight-ass Billy Smith is in charge.

-  I watched an inning and a half of the all-star whilst typing that and I didn't notice a single thing that was memorable.  Good show, MLB.  The best part of this entire broadcast has been this sneak peek at Inception I'm seeing right now.  Also, and this is really not cool to say, but there is a commercial with MLB players helping out special people, and they showed a guy and I thought, "oh, poor guy, looks like he's doing well for himself though", and it turned out to be Jake Peavy.  I know, I feel bad.  I'm just sayin' is all.

-  So British Open, huh?  My favorite of the majors.  I love the weird times, and I love the weird, unpredictable golf.  I'd love to give you a full breakdown, but I haven't done the necessary research.  I will tell you that either Justin Rose or Ernie Els is going to win though.  I have a couple of sleepers, too, but I'm not ready to release that information.  Maybe for a small fee.  Send me an email.

-  1-0 in the bottom of the sixth.  That over 8.5 is looking AWESOME.

-  You know, right after the first inning they were talking about the weird shadows and how it would be difficult to pick up the ball.  With guys like Ubaldo, Josh Johnson, David Price, etc. pitching early there was no way anybody was going to score.  How is that fair?  How come they don't tell you that before you bet on the over 8.5?  See, this is why all those dicks in Vegas are rich.  Not because gambling is inherently stupid and a losing proposition, but because they are all cheaters.  And dicks.

-  Al Jefferson to the Jazz for a couple picks, which won't be lottery, and a big ole trade exemption.  Well, if hey do something good with that exemption I'll be in favor, but if they eat it to sign guys like Luke Ridnour this is going to be an awful trade, and to be honest I'm not really feeling good.  They are trying or have I'm not sure signed Ridnour to a 4 year/$16 million deal, one year after signing Ramon Sessions to the same deal, and are now trying to trade Sessions.  Honestly, there's no doubt that Kahn is either a genius or is setting Minnesota basketball back ten years, and it's already six years behind everybody else.

-  Capps is 2-2 to Ortiz, shakes off the catcher three times, and then gets Ortiz looking with a tailing heater.  Nicely done.

-  Wow.  Scott Rolen.  .290 with 17 dingers so far this year.  This dude is an ageless wonder.  He's got his 300 homers and will end up around 2,700 career hits.  Not hall of fame numbers, but combined with his great fielding year after year and he's going to end up as one of those really good players who isn't a hall of famer but is still recognized as awfully good.  I dunno, that's gotta count for something.

-  By the way, my dad really, really hates Tim McCarver.  I can't argue with him.

-  You probably haven't noticed because you are probably not smart enough to notice these things, but Derrick Caracter is destroying Summer League.  Steal of a pick for the Lakers.  Remember that when you see him playing meaningful minutes in the playoffs.

-  It' still 1-0 in the bottom of the seventh and I'm finding it awfully hard to pay attention.  Probably has something to do with the wine cooler I'm currently drinking.  Yep, wine cooler.  Because that's all we have left.  Come on, you've been there.

-  This summer, grant us all the power, to drink on top of water towers.

-  Brian McCann just cleared the bases with a bases-loaded double to put the NL up 3-1 and in position for their first win in like 20 years.  Naturally, we took the AL.  FML.

-  Ok, I don't like to admit stuff like this, but who in the hell is Andrew Bailey?  Apparently he is the closer for the A's, and has quite a few saves this year.  I've never heard of him.  Has he been around a long time?  Wait, he was rookie of the year last year?  Are we sure?  Wasn't it Elvis Andrus?  I know way too much about baseball, but I don't know who this guy is.

-  He struck Brandon Phillips out.  Like that's hard.  God this game is taking forever.  There have only been four runs scored and it's already 10:09.

-  I maybe had a little bit of an idea who Andrew Bailey was, but I seriously have never heard of Koby Kalay.

-  You know how if you ever read anything about a good curveball the guy they always point out amongst current players is Adam Wainwright?  There's a reason.

-  John Buck being an all-star makes me sad.

-  And he promptly doubles, although it shouldn't probably count because Matt Holliday did a nice little Delmon Young/Mike Cuddyer impression and let himself get all mixed up and that one hit off his glove.  Seriously, is there a worse defensive outfield than the Twins (outside Denard)?  Let's say you played a game where a machine threw out random flyballs to all areas of the field, and there were two teams who each had to field 10 balls each.  Team one was Delmon, Kubel, and Cuddyer.  Team two is Carlos Gomez.  Who wins?  Seriously.

-  Scene:  3-1 NL, bottom of the seventh, two out, Torii Hunter up in his home park.  Any doubt, any doubt at all that he strikes out against a guy with a breaking ball like Wainwright?

-  1-1 pitch, Wainwright breaker down and away and nowhere near a strike.  Wait, I mean it was strike 2 - swinging.  LOL.

-  1-2 pitch.  Wainwright breaker down and away and nowhere near a strike.  Wait, I mean it was strike 3 - swinging.  LOL.  Seriously.  If it wasn't so predictable it would just be sad.

-  Did you guys know Rafael Soriano is is the first Rays reliever selected to the All-Star game since 2005?  Did you also know that that's probably the stupidest thing I've read in my life?

-  Jack Buck?  That's not right.  Jim?  Jay?  Tim?  Mike?  Whatever.  The son of the good one wants us to know that "Brian Wilson showed up to media day with a mohawk" and his voice sounds as if he has a schoolgirl crush on Wilson because of that bit of teenage rebellion by a 30-year old.  So a crappy retard mohawk is cool, but the fake mooning Randy Moss did is the most disgusting thing in sports history?  This guy sucks.  He almost makes Chris Berman listenable but not really because I'd rather stab my face off than listen to Berman for more than 6 seconds at a time.

-  Valverde struck out the side in the top of the ninth, so to win both our bets we somehow need the AL to score five runs.  Could easily happen, but would take some luck.  I'm struggling to come up with any good closer in the NL who could shut this thing down, so I'm thinking it's a lock for the AL.

-  Broxton?  This is a gimme for the AL.

-  Base hit Ortiz.  Like Fergie said, let's get it started uh huh, let's get it started in here.......

-  Beltre strikes out but that's not a surprise because that guy sucks.  Not sure what Girardi is saving A-Rod for.  Don't think Nick Punto is due up anytime soon.  Also every single pitcher has hit 99 on the gun tonight.  Going to go ahead and surmise that thing might be juiced up for TV.  Also now John Buck is up, and we're still not getting A-Rod.  I know there's something something about only having one catcher or some crap, but I'm not a big believer in planning ahead.  That's why I'm about to have two kids.

-  Ortiz gunned at second on what should have been a bloop single by Buck.  Look, I get that you want to play everybody, but the All-Star game now counts for something, and something fairly substantial, so shouldn't you be prepared with your 33 man roster to deal with this situation?  Just make Go-Go an all-star for his pinch running duties.  And therein lies the problem with trying to make an exhibition into a meaningful game.  I feel like an essay is due here but I'm tired and much like my scholastic life I'm going to go to bed instead of turning in my homework.  NL won.  They didn't score over 8.5 runs.  Joy.

No this Blog is not Dead.

No, we aren't dead. Some brain dead jackass asked me this weekend if this blog was going to die, and the answer is no. As I've mentioned in every post I've made this month, although admittedly there haven't been many, I'm swamped at work and with weekend things going on all month. I promise once we hit August things will pick back up. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if one of the other contributors on this site would like to toss up a post or two. I know Dawger is dying to talk Twins. Anyway, I do have a little bit of time tonight, so I'll make a couple quick comments.

- I should probably go ahead and start with the British Open, since the winner is my arch enemy, the uncalcuably gay Stew Cink. Make no mistake, he got lucky and it probably shouldn't count. Think about it. How hard is it to beat an old man? An old man who has already played 72 holes in four days in the freezing cold and wind and rain? Most guys Watson's age would have been out by hole 11. Hell, most guys Watson's age would have woken up the morning after the first round and been unable to get out of bed and have to use that clicker thing or whatever it is that the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady advertised. Seriously, what was it? A clicker of some kind? A phone? Wow, I can picture the lady but I don't remember the product. Is that good advertising or bad?

Anyway, I had originally planned to call Watson a choker, but now that I think more about it I'm guessing he was just a bit tuckered. Although there isn't much more disappointing than thinking you are watching the story of the year (at a minimum), but instead you get some bald-headed, gigantic sloth freak sneaking in the back door and stealing that 59-year-old leprechaun's gold. Crying shame.

And Ian Poulter should be ashamed of himself for that performance. From a solo 2nd last year to dead effing last this year. And he was even playing well going into this tournament. I have no clue what happened, but I'll never trust that dandy again.

- Speaking of advertising, Kmart's advert for lay-a-way is for a blow up shark. I mean, I like blow up sharks as much as the next guy, but are we really doing lay-a-way for them? I thought that was for poor people who can't afford a love seat, not average suburban white couple who need lawn water toys. I might have to look into this.

- In what has become a Twins' tradition, your favorite team needed help at a position and went out and signed the oldest, cheapest option available; this time giving a minor league contract to 39-year old second basemen Mark Grudzielanek.

I actually think is a pretty good idea. Minor league contract means no risk - probably the biggest reason they made the signing, but even last year Grudzy put up some decent numbers (.299/.345/.399) - not much for slugging the ball, but it's basically what Luis Castillo gave them that one year he was here all season (.296/.358/.370). And it wasn't a fluky season either - Grudzielanek has hit no worse than .294 in his last six seasons, and hasn't hit lower than .271 since his rookie year way back in 1995. No major risk here, especially when the Tolbert/Casilla/Punto trio is doing nothing but making outs at a prodigious rate. If he can still hit anywhere near his career average and isn't a total stiff in the field (major questions due to a late ankle injury last year that has had him sitting out almost a full calendar year), he's a major upgrade. Of course, since this is a Twins' signing, I'm going to fully assume that they essentially signed Steve Lombardozzi (the current, 48-year-old version).

- Since we're chatting about Twins' busts, how about a little Jesse Crain update (who I have pretty much completely forgotten about)? He's thrown twelve games down in Rochester so far, compiling 17 2/3 innings and a 2.55 ERA and 1.19 WHIP. Toss in a 22-8 K/BB ratio, and I'd say thus far the experiment with Mr. Seashell Necklace has been a success. Expect to see him up again soon, especially with the Twins' bullpen in full on implosion mode. I'm sure with the bullpen blowing leads and giving up monster home runs, Crainsy is feeling pretty left out.

- I'm trying to muster up the energy to give a crap about the most recent T-Wolves trade, but it's hard. I dig on how Kahn has come to town with a "Let's start this garbage over" mentality, because that was definitely what was needed. Madsen is little more than a crowd favorite, which means a white jackass who hustles and has no talent. He will be missed by drunken idiots with more money than sense only. Telfair and Craig "the Manatee" Smith, were able to put up ok numbers on a crappy team, but I'm pretty sure that was their upside. Telfair will be little more than a career backup, and Smith will eat himself out of the league as soon as he signs his first non-rookie contract (book it).

So by not losing anything, the Wolves automatically win this trade. Getting Q Richardson back isn't going to really add much to the team in terms of win, but it at least gives them a big-time shooter to replace Mike Miller. Plus, with $9+ million in salary coming off the books next off-season he adds a little bit of flexibility to any off-sesaon plans that little munchkin has cooking in his little brain.

Not a monster improvement, but a very good little trade. Although I will miss watching the Manatee cross mid-court on less than half his team's possessions.

- The Onion is almost always a guaranteed laugh, but this might be my favorite of all-time, "Derek Jeter makes easy play look easy."

- Another funny link: Ed O'Bannon is suing the NCAA for use of his image. I'm not even 100% sure what this means, but it makes total sense that O'Bannon would need money. The best thing he could do is shoot some sort of anti-early entry warning video. I know he didn't leave school early, but he's a great warning for guys who are great in college that they might not quite pan out as pros. Him, Shawn Respert, Adam Morrison, Randolph Childress, Pervis Ellison, Marcus Fizer, and George Lucas can get together and teach a class on dissapointing people.

- Lastly, you should know that Wonderbaby^TM is already the most advanced in her gymnastics class and might have to be moved up to the more advanced class. That's right, guess who is the only one in her class who can hang from a bar? Yep. Her teacher/coach/volunteer/weirdo loner cat-lady person already said, "She's really advanced. A real natural athlete." Hopefully this will translate to non-gay sports like basketball and softball baseball, but if she ends up in the Olympics, so be it. She'll be the Michael Phelps of gymnastics, but without the weed and overall douchiness.

I'll leave you with a picture of her showing off her skills:

All-Star Tuesday Talkings (British Open Preview)

Yep, it's all star Tuesday so I'm writing, but I don't plan to write a single thing about the All-Star game because it's just so stupid. Let me get this straight, this game counts for something pretty important now, but the starters are still voted in by idiotic fans? And they take rosters of 33 freaking players on each team, and managers are bound by some stupid unwritten rule to try to play everybody? And you can't let any pitcher go more than one or two innings because if Roy Halladay hurts his arm in his third inning of work somehow every one will be mad at you even though he routinely goes nine innings every fifth day? It's like the collective league is Regina George and the manager is Gretchen Weiners.

I just don't get how something so far removed from real baseball can give such an advantage to a team in the quest to win the World Series. Seriously, if this rule was in place in '87 and '91 and the NL won the all-star game, we'd be sitting wondering if the Twins will ever win a World Series. I mean, I'm not exactly a huge fan of the random element they used to have but it's better than this - and better than giving home field advantage to the league that has a better record in interleague play, which I've also heard bandied about. That's also idiotic.

It's really simple. Home field advantage goes to the team with the better regular season record. That's how all the other leagues do it. Why? Because it makes a lot more sense to reward a team for a great 162-game season than it does to reward a team whose league won a stupid exhibition. And if you insist on keeping that dumb rule, then Gretchen Weiners has to stick up to Regina like that time she wore sweat pants to the lunch table. Throw Halladay three innings. Then throw Greinke three. Then go through the closers and end with Rivera. Bam, game. But they won't. It'll be one inning, one inning, one inning, and eventually either Tim Wakefield or Andrew Bailey will be in and it'll be tee-off time for the NL. Stupid.

What makes it even worse is that I actually get a little bit pumped up when they do all the fanfare before the game. They always give it a nice historical perspective, whether it's tonight's little St. Louis baseball mini-history or like the year they brought out Ted Williams and Willie Mays, it's a very nice touch and I enjoy it. Then the game starts and it's a big joke. Let's just move on to something else.

- I'm mainly writing tonight to give my half-assed British Open preview, much like my half-assed Masters and US Open previews, which didn't quite get the winners right. All that really means is that I am due. In the same tradition, I will give you my top ten (after Tiger) picks to win.

1. Steve Stricker. It's weird to pick a noted non-closer to win an event like the British, but it all seems to be in place for Stricker. Two wins in his last four events, including a win last week, and recent success at the Open, finishing 8th and 7th the last two years. No reason he shouldn't be right there at the end.

2. Ian Poulter. It's almost a certainty that Ian Poulter will be winning a major at some point, probably while wearing pink pants, and it makes a lot of sense that it could be this one. Poulter is a very solid Open player, topping off with a second place finish last year at Royal Birkdale, has been very solid in the other majors (31st, 20th, and 18th) and is having a good year.

3. Lee Westwood. Westwood isn't super, duper great at the Open, but he does have two top tens in his career and has made the cut the last three years, so he's not horrible either. He's familiar with links style golf, being a communist and all, and is getting hot at the right time, with a tie for 8th last week in the Scottish Open coming on the heels of a runner-up finish in the French Open.

4. Hunter Mahan. This guy is quietly playing some of the best golf of anybody right now, but at the same time is a bit under the radar since he hasn't actually picked up a victory. He has top 10s in his last three starts, has made the cut in every event he has played this season, and has top tens in both of this year's majors. He did miss the cut last year at the Open, which gives me slight pause, but last year was a rough one for him, and not only has he found his game again but two years ago when he was playing well he pulled a sixth place finish at Carnoustie.

5. Sergio Garcia. Usually this sexy son of a bitch would be my #1 pick after Tiger, but a slow and disappointing year so far has really left me scratching my head. Still, the spaniard is a wizard when it comes to the British Open, with six top 10s in his last eight attempts and he does seem to be getting his game figured out, notching a tie for tenth at the US Open and has played better across the pond than here in the States.

6. Henrik Stenson. This guy is another one who it feels like is just waiting to win a major, and could be set up to do it this week. He already won this year at the "fifth major", the Players Championship at Sawgrass, and has been in contention at pretty much every major recently, with three top tens in the last four majors. He's a cool customer, since like most Swedes he has no soul, so if he's in contention coming down the stretch he isn't likely to Van de Velde it up.

7. Rory McIlroy. It's weird to pick a kid this young to be a top contender at the Open, but he's just tough. This year his four toughest events have resulted in a Quarterfinal finish at the Match Play, a 20th place finish at both the WGC-CA and the Masters, and a tie for tenth at the US Open - clearly he's not intimidated. Add in the fact that he is ripping it up on the European Tour (fifth in the Race to Dubai), and it wouldn't surprise me to see him right in the thick of it on Sunday.

8. Jim Furyk. Boring? Predictable? How about we go with steady instead. Top 11 in five of his last six tournaments, made the cut in fourteen of his last fifteen majors, and two top fives in his last three Opens, with a tie for twelfth in the third. He did miss five straight cuts at the British from 2001-2005, which shows me that this kind of golf can swallow him up at times and keeps me from putting him any higher on my list, but I expect him to hang around and at least make a little noise.

9. Paul Casey. I was looking back at my Masters and US Open previews, and I picked this clown first after Tiger and second after Tiger and Furyk, and he rewarded me with a T-20 and a missed cut, but I still can't drop him all the way, especially at the British where he finished seventh last year. He absolutely dominated the Euro Tour early, and still leads the Race to Dubai, but has faded in recent weeks. I expect being back in Europe will rejuvenate him.

10. Justin Leonard. This is a straight up hunch pick, which I can't really justify. He's had success at the British, but his win and his runner-up were both in the 1990s. Since then he's missed the cut as much as he's finished top twenty (three each) and he doesn't come in particularly hot, with two missed cuts in his last three tournaments. But I'm feelin' it!

And that's it. Some notable names are missing. Geoff Ogilvy, Zach Johnson, and Luke Donald are both garbage at the Open. Paddy is the two-time depending champion, but he's missed the cut in four of his last five events, and his game is just not in the right shape here again. I don't think Anthony Kim is ready just yet, and the wunderkind of the early season, Nick Watney, has fallen back to earth. Cink is still gay, and Els and Goosen are too far gone. One sleeper I've seen mentioned somewhere is Martin Kaymer, a commie who comes in hot, having won the last two Euro Tour events. Don't believe it. He doesn't have that kind of game.

- Finally, hold on to your butts people, the Sci Fi channel is having the marathon of all marathons on Saturday, July 25th, and I can't wait. Unfortunately, the Egyptian is getting married that day and I am an usher, so I can't exactly watch live, but the Tivo will be a crankin'. Check out the schedule:

8am - Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep
10am - Croc
Noon - Super Gator
2pm - Lake Placid 2
4pm - Spring Break Shark Attack (third best shark movie ever)
6pm - Deep Blue Sea
8pm - Malibu Shark Attack (World Premiere!)
10pm - Eye of the Beast (Dawson in a Squid movie)

I'm tivo'ing everything on that list except for Lake Placid 2 and Deep Blue Sea, which are super lame. Expect an influx of Live Movie Blogs in the coming weeks, as long as I can get Mrs. W to watch a few of these.

Also, Sci Fi renamed itself SyFy for some unfathomable reason. Can anyone explain this one? Cutesy for the sake of cutesy? I really hope somebody gets fired for this. This is even worse than the time Itchy ripped out Scratchy's spine and played it like a xylophone, but got two different notes from hitting the same rib.

That's it for now. I would expect to see a more indepth preview from Faldo tomorrow some time, and if we're really lucky maybe Super Sioux Fan will send in a new post.

Goodbye Europe, hello Canada you F'in commies!

Well here we go the first real post, I did pen some words leading into the AT&T a couple weeks back but they were lost in the mail, for the record I picked Ryan Moore to win. Well I wasn’t even close with that one but I did say that Anthony Kim would be one to watch for, which he was. Since then a lot has happened Kenny Perry is showing he is hottest player in the world right now and something called Richard S. Johnson won the event played opposite the British (US Bank Championship) and unless you a golf geek, such as myself, you had no idea. One thing to note is that Perry skipped British to honor a commitment at the US Bank event, as he was not eligible for the British at the start of the season. Perry caught a lot of heat for this move but, as he has said, his one goal this year was to play in the Ryder Cup in his home state of Kentucky and by playing it safe and staying in the US he has probably solidified the spot on the team. Some have criticized this move but I for one think it was good; he made a plan and stuck to it. Everyone should be talking about Perry as the best player in the world right now but seemingly everyone is still stuck on the fact that Tiger is missing while Perry dating back to May 15th has played in 8 PGA tournaments, won 3 has a 2nd, two T6 finishes and 2 in the top 50. Anyway you look at it this southern bumpkin is playing some awesome golf.

So in case you missed the British it turns out it was not the year of the Sergio, but there were some seriously good story lines. Greg Norman, fresh off a divorce and remarriage to Chris Evert(she used to be hot when I was 12), contended in his first Major in eight years but alas his ever aggressive style did him in. The guy is 53 years old and yes contrary to popular belief, golf is a sport and over the course of four days of competition it takes a toll even for people like Norman. David Duval gave a preview to what I think is just the start of his comeback to golf’s main stage, a sloppy 83 in the 3rd round did him in but no one gave him a chance to be there anyway so just seeing him back on the map is a good thing. The story of course is that the bulldog Paddy Harrington defended his title as Open Champion. This guy was 50/50 to even play at the start of the week nursing a wrist injury, but when Norman faltered there was Paddy like that familiar leprechaun on the lucky charms box. His lucky charm was a 230 yard 5wd on the 17th that set him up for a kick in eagle, two putt par on the last sealed it and now Paddy has quietly risen to the #3 ranked golfer in the world. Few made any real charges at Harrington, Poulter looked like he was going to be the winner but didn’t make enough putts, no Americans really made any showing worth the price of the chartered flight they took to Europe other than Furyk and Kim but there was too much ground to make up and on a course where par was like birdie few were able to contend with the wind and severe dog legs that are Birkdale’s only defense.

So what does it all mean for this week at the RBC Canadian? Well it means that the most of the big names are not playing, we get to see real life Mounties and if anyone gets hurt there is free health care provided by the socialistic Canadian Government. I am going to be pretty boring here with the picks, Furyk is putting like a dog these days he will be there but will not complete the three-peat (try to charge me Riley), Kim will contend but he has never been in Europe and then played the next week he will be tired but could show up his critics by having a good showing, that horse tooth chump Ames will not be close on Sunday, Weir will probably lose in a playoff and the pick of the week is Bubba Watson, he hits it a mile and has been working on his short game, I think this is his time to shine.

Sleepers to watch for:
Calcavecchia (he has won before), Chad Collins (has won on the Canadian Tour) and Jeff Quinney (his mreasts rival Phil’s, seriously get the guy a manzier he needs the support).

News and Notes:
Did anyone catch Michelle Wie getting DQ’d for not signing her scorecard, this chick is probably the dumbest broad I have ever seen play the game. She tries to exude all this bravado yet she hasn’t won anything and deserves 10% of the attention she gets. She will be playing in another PGA Tour Event in two weeks, early prediction 80-77, slam the trunk kid and go back to the tour where most of the golfers look like men because you can’t hang with the real ones.

Colt Knost, he is the guy that won every conceivable high profile amateur tournament last year, won his 2nd Nationwide Tour event (think NBA Development League but the players are good) one more win and he gets promoted to the show. He is fat, has an ugly swing and has more confidence than a black man in the shower at an all white country club, he will be on the main stage soon and could get a win post completion of the Fed Ex cup.

That’s it, too much seems like too much, well F off its brilliant and you are obviously jealous. I want to thank WWWWW for allowing a complete stranger to post on his blog and Gayslam, wherever you are, for being a complete D’Bag.

NF

British Open Precap

The Pick: Sergio Garcia (just like everybody else, but I said it first)

The Secondary Pick: Geoff Ogilvy

Sleepers: Robert Karlsson, Robert Allenby, Bart Bryant, Rod Pampling

Super Sleeper: Soren Hansen

Big Names who will Disappoint: Phil Mickelson, Jim Furyk, Adam Scott, Ernie Els

Sergio

So anyway, I kept meaning to write something about the British Open, but I kept not doing it, and then my stupid friend Theory from Holy Crap Does that Piss me Off went ahead and beat me to it.

So go here to read him type up the exact thing I said to him at the bar the other night.

Stealer.