Hola from Los Angeles!

That means "The Angels" in Spanish.  You're welcome.  I've written from LA many, many, many times and I got to say, it's still a weird place.  The people all wear weird hats and everyone has sunglasses and fancy shoes and their clothes look weird.  The hotel bar has like, The Big Bang Theory on instead of the Monday Night Football game, most of the cars cost more than my house, and there's more movie billboards than you could shake a stick at and they're all bigger than my house.  Then when I first got here we went for a light breakfast and I ordered two eggs (over easy) and bacon (NOT extra crispy) and when they brought it out they brought it out with a ramekin of ketchup.  Ketchup.  Why on earth would I need ketchup for that meal?  It's probably some proto-hipster thing that is just on the coast right now and will make its way to the midwest in a year or two.  Weird place, but not in that charming way Portland is weird.

-  I'm not sure how long I'll be with you tonight, it's been a long day.  I had to get up at 5am to head to the airport, followed by a 3.5 hour flight into LAX.  Got to the hotel at 10 (12 your time) and of course my room wasn't ready, which I expected, but they said they'd rush it so I could get in the room before I had to head over to the HQ for meetings because I'm a high roller like that.  After my breakfast which should have been ketchup free I got up to the room for an entire 15 minutes.  Then came 4 hours of meetings.  We did get a 2 hour break after that but I used a good chunk of it walking to the grocery store to get booze for the room (actually grabbed a bottle of wine to go with the beer because I'm classy that way) which was about 6 blocks away in 95 degree heat (and what the fuck LA?  You're supposed to be good for three things:  making movies and tv shows, awesome sushi, and being 80 degrees everyday).

Then came dinner at Pink Taco which was fabulous.  Endless pitchers of margaritas, family style food consisting of some weird avocado salad, some kind of excellent chicken skewers, corn tamales, cheese quesadillas, pork burritos, carne asada tacos, churros, and topped off with a shot of some very good tequila.  I'm still not sure why I did that shot but whatevs.  Also pretty solid cleavage on the waitress.  All in all an A+ meal.  So anyway it's 9:18 out here which means it's 11:18 back there which means I'm sitting at about an 18 hour day right now.  I'll try to cram in a bit more, but only because I love you.

-  College basketball magazines are starting to come out, and of course I didn't wait for the good one (Athlon) or the decent one (Lindy's) but instead grabbed the first one that was available from the Sporting News.  Big mistake.  First thing I did was flip to the Gophers, and what do I find:

Omg Sporting News is stealing my bit! pic.twitter.com/0MiFHXXXlh
— Down with Goldy (@DownwithGoldy) September 10, 2014

And it just gets worse.  Well actually not worse because that's impossible but just bad.  The team previews are terribly written and don't go into any kind of depth.  Then they have this thing where they give you the "difference maker" for each team which is a good idea, but then they name the team's best player nearly every time.  Sure, sometimes it makes sense as Andre Hollins (Austin's bro) and Branden Dawson for MSU are probably their team's best player and both probably will make a huge difference to their team's success depending on how they play.

But for Penn State they have D.J. Newbill.  For Nebraksa is Terran Petteway.  Indiana is Yogi Ferrell.  I mean, you pretty much know what you're going to get here.  The difference maker should be somebody like Ross Travis for PSU (if he can learn to give them another scorer), Tai Webster for Nebraska (they need someone to become a good point guard to make another leap forward), and basically anyone else for Indiana since Ferrell is the only known quantity.  Seriously this probably is really whiny but it just feels like they made no real effort.  And before you say anything I'm allowed to make very little effort since I'm just a poor crappy blogger living in his mom's basement.

-  Also, and I know this kills you since I've called the college basketball champ both of the last two years, but I don't have a call yet.  I was all over the SMU train, and loaded up on them at 33-1 to win the whole thing, and then that son of a bitch Emmanuel Mudiay decides to go play over seas.  What a jerk.  SMU was set up perfectly:  tons of returning talent from a good but not great team, good experience, returning starters in the front and back court, and getting a big time scorer transfer in Justin Martin.  With Mudiay they were getting that big time talent who could put them over the top and carry the team when needed.  But now he's gone and SMU is just another team hoping to make the Sweet 16.

-  I know you've all been waiting to hear what I have to say about the whole Adrian Peterson situation.  Here it is:  just kidding.  Seriously I didn't start this blog a million years ago to talk about icky things that are actually controversial and you have to have real feelings about.  I started it to talk about who sucks and who is awesome.  So that's what I'm going to do instead.

The one guy who has really popped for me this NFL season so far is Le'Veon Bell.  There is no doubt in my mind he's the next great running back in the league.  He's like a new version of LeSean McCoy.  He's got that same elusiveness and quickness with the ball, good speed, and can catch which makes him that much better.  If you're in a fantasy keeper league, go get him.  Do it now.

Also awesome is Gio Bernard (just a step below Bell), Darren Sproles (just thriving in that role), Frank Gore (does this guy ever age?), Carlos Hyde (just biding his time), Matt Ryan (he's back), Philip Rivers (just keeps humming along), Derek Carr (going to be a good one), Calvin Johnson (duh), Dez Bryant (also duh), Andrew Hawkins (haven't actually seen him since he's on the Browns but I hear good things), Brandon Marshall (still unstoppable), Steve Smith (Flacco has complete radar lock), Markus Wheaton (could be a star in a year or two), and Julian Edelman (he's boring, but he's being Wes Welker and doing it quite well).

The people who suck are Matt Cassell (duh, #freeteddy), Brian Quick (no, he's not a thing), James Jones (just no), DeAndre Hopkins (if Andre Johnson would just stop we could see what we have here), all Tennessee WRs (who knows who is good there from week to week?), Dwayne Bowe (it's over), all New York Giants (that offense is so gross), DeMarco Murray (hot start won't last), Chris Ivory (no idea how he has so many yards), Zac Stacy (going to lose that job by week 8), Bernard Pierce (what a terrible back-up plan), Bishop Sankey (when you can't beat out an old Shonn Greene oof), Steven Jackson (just waiting for one of those two donkeys to grab the reins), Tony Romo (should be better for the 20th year in a row), Ryan Tannehill (perhaps that leap isn't coming), Josh McCown (if you didn't see this coming you're stupid), and Jason Witten (is he suddenly too old?)

-  So how about that Big Ten football?  Oof.  If you're the kind of person who follows college football you already know this, but it's been a brutal year for the Big Ten football player guys.  Just this weekend alone Maryland lost to West Virginia, Indiana lost to Bowling Green, Iowa lost to Iowa State, your Gophers got rolled by TCU in a game that wasn't nearly as close as the 23-point margin, and Illinois got crushed by Washington.  The week prior Purdue got beat by Central Michigan, Northwestern was dropped by Northern Illinois, Michigan and Michigan State were non-competitive against Notre Dame and Oregon, and Ohio State got dropped by Virginia Tech.  I'm not a big college football guy, but I know the Big Ten has a terrible reputation in relation to the other major conferences lately, and this ain't helping.

-  I was going to do that fun thing where I look at the NBDL draft this year and laugh at who all got drafted, but it turns out the draft hasn't happened yet.  So instead I looked back and the 2013 draft and I think it's getting worse or something because I've barely heard of any of these guys and I pay way too much attention to college basketball.  Out of the 17 first round picks (what kind of league has 17 teams?) I could only tell you about 8 of the guys without cheating - James Johnson (wake), Quincy Douby (rutgers but hasn't he been out of school for like 5 years? What are the rules of this draft?), Pierre Jackson (baylor), C.J. Aiken (st joe), DeAndre Liggins (kentucky), William Buford (osu), Bo Spencer (nebraska), and Dario Hunt (nevada, not as good as his name sounds).  The second round is even worse.  Ryan Evans (wisconsin) got drafted (not joking), plus two guys with busted knees (Reggie Jackson, miami and Abdul Gaddy, washington who should have been the next circus ball captain), and a guy who couldn't crack the lineup at Arizona in four years (Kevin Parrom) plus a whole mess of guys I've never heard of.

I swear this thing used to be more fun and full of guys where you'd say "yeah, I could see him cracking an NBA rotation."  Now it's a bunch of guys I've barely heard of with no shot and guys like Salim Stoudamire and Ricky Davis (yes that Ricky Davis) are getting drafted and yes I'm serious.  And suddenly it goes from 17 picks per round to 8 picks in the 7th and then 4 picks in the 8th.  This draft makes as much sense as ketchup with eggs and bacon and it's making me cranky and tired.  I'm leaving.

Bill Simmons Talks College Prospects. Oy.

I'm a big fan of Bill Simmons, have been for years.  One of his biggest flaws, however, is he never ever watches college basketball outside of the NCAA Tournament, yet when draft time rolls around he likes to talk as if he is actually knowledgeable about the players outside of whatever he has recently read or been told.  I will never forget his column where he acted like he was breaking the news that Kevin Durant was awesome at Texas, despite it being mid-season.  He also likes to form an opinion and refuse to let anything break it, including facts.  With this in mind, I listened to the Simmons/Chad Ford podcast regarding the draft.  Here are some highlights.

1.  Victor Oladipo's upside is a cross between Alvin Robertson and Joe Dumars.  Because he was one of the best interviews Bill Simmons did of the future rookies and said that if he had to play the Heat in South Beach he wouldn't go out to the bars the night before a game.

2.  Oladipo could have played in the Spurs/Heat Finals because he tries hard.

3.  Otto Porter red flag:  doesn't think he'll be able to score in the NBA.  Porter, who shot 42% from 3, 41% on jump shots, and 66% in the paint.  Also said Porter reminded him of Tayshaun Prince and that's a bad thing despite Prince's career 58.6 win shares, which is the fourth highest total of anybody taken in the 2002 Draft.

4.  More Porter: Doesn't think he'll really be able to play defense in the NBA (Porter averaged nearly 2 steals per game, which is a good indicator of the athleticism needed to play defense in the NBA something Chad Ford actually talked about maybe 15 minutes earlier in this same podcast).  Also worried that Porter couldn't hit threes even though he hit 42% last year, something Simmons actually acknowledges but shrugs it off because "He only took like 3 a game", which, because this is college and not the NBA, actually ranked 30th most in the conference. 

5.  This one's actually from Ford, but he said Ben McLemore can't get to the rim.  Ben McLemore took 31% of his shots last year at the rim.  Outside of Oladipo's freakish 61% that's the highest percent among the guards in this draft.  Simmons' take was that McLemore can be a three-point machine.  McLemore hit the exact same 42% Otto Porter did.  Simmons also thought McLemore was a "sweet kid" and it was a great interview.  Sensing a pattern. 

6.  Alex Len "was pretty impressive when we talked to him" followed by a shit load of nice things about him including "he doesn't have any weaknesses except maybe rebounding."  First, rebounding is pretty important for a center, but he's wrong anyway.  Second, this is again Simmons not understanding college stats because Len was fourth in the ACC in rebounding (but "just" 7.8 per game).  Len's offensive and defensive rebounding percentages are both pretty good, but his overall numbers suffer because he played 26 minutes per game.  That would be a much bigger concern for me than the rebounding.

7.  Did not like his interview with Shabazz Muhammad and it made him like him less as a draft pick.  I actually thought this was unconscious bias, but it turns out he's actively admitting to it.  I wonder if he can pick up the fact that he's doing things like trashing Otto Porter's game because he didn't like his interview.  I doubt it.  Also just said he loved his interview with C.J. McCollum and in the next sentence he could be the next Jason Terry with a downside of a better Eddie House.  Now I like McCollum, but his downside is a whole hell of a lot worse than a better Eddie House.  Sorry if he's super likable.

Actually not as terrible as I was expecting or as he's been in the past.  The whole "interview" thing was a nice wrinkle that kept me entertained in the absence of more uninformed opinions.  I would say I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed listening to the podcast, but that would be a lie because I promise you I don't care.

Pat Reusse is an Asshole

Seriously.  Look at this "article" Reusse wrote about the Gophers hiring of Rich Pitino to take over the Gopher hoops program.  It's full of misinformation, gross hyperbole, and just smacks of a cranky old man who is pissed off that either Tubby got fired, Flip didn't get hired, or both.  Let's look, FJM style.

Billy Heywood finally has made it to Minnesota. He’s traded in his manager’s uniform for a basketball coach’s whistle, but there isn’t much difference between the fictional Billy and the real-life version brought to town under the name Richie Pitino.

There isn't?  Tell me more.  Also, going with "Richie" over "Richard" or "Rich" is probably the biggest dickhead move you could make.  Good work, "professional writer."

Billy was the 12-year-old hero of “Little Big League.’’ He inherits the Twins from his grandfather, fires a manager deemed too hard on the players, takes over and leads the team to a Game 163 showdown.

Oh, ok.  So other than the sport, their ages, Pro vs. Amateur, Pitino not firing anybody, and essentially everything else about the two they're the same?  I suppose they both are set in Minnesota so I guess there's that.  Also, using this absolutely tortured analogy sets up Reusse to refer to Pitino as "Richie" through the article, which is a classy move.

Richie is the 30-year-old hero of “Norwood’s Amusing Quest.’’ He inherits a basketball reputation from his father, beats Louisiana-Monroe twice, waits for a half-dozen people to turn down a chance to coach at Minnesota, and gets Gopher Nation dreaming of future showdowns with Northwestern.

He's been an assistant at two of the most successful programs in the country and took a crappy program to within one basket of the NCAA Tournament last season, but yes, they did beat Louisiana-Monroe twice.  Why you'd point that out rather than how, at the end of the year in the Sun Belt Tournament when you're supposed to have your team peaking (Tubby hi!) they beat Middle Tennessee, a juggernaut who had run through the Sun Belt all season, is beyond me.  Also why would anybody dream of a showdown with Northwestern when the Gophers are already guaranteed to play them 1-3 times per year?  There's no way Reusse didn't slap this together in under 12 minutes.

I don’t want to be too negative on this. 

No, clearly not.

Clearly, once the search gets to a point where the replacement for Tubby Smith comes down to Richie Pitino or Pam Borton, it’s easy to embrace athletic director Norwood Teague’s decision.

It's actually now getting physically difficult to comment on this.  What an asshole thing to say.  I can't even decide who this is most insulting to, but I'll go with the literate.

We all have been assured that Teague and associate AD Mike Ellis are as well connected as any people in college basketball through the Villa 7 weekend seminars for assistant coaches that were conducted at Virginia Commonwealth.

And, after this whiz-bang search by Teague and Ellis, it’s obvious that the name Villa 7 carries at least as much magic in college basketball as does a Tom Petters hedge fund in the financial world.

This may very well be the stupidest thing in this article and trust me, it's pretty difficult to narrow it down.  Because Teague and Ellis hired someone who Reusse doesn't like invalidates all the success of Villa 7 over the years?  The guy Reusse would be slobbering over (Smart) was a Villa 7 guy and I'm guessing if the Gophers had hired Buzz Williams (another one) Reusse would have been slobbering over him too.  You know who recommended Pitino to Teague?  Billy Donovan.  You know who recommended Shaka Smart to Teague at VCU?  Billy Donovan.  You think you're going to find that factoid in here?  Nope, too busy shaking his fist at the kids on his lawn and lamenting about how things used to be, when you just hired retread coach after retread coach because "they were good ole boys" and "we dinn't need no 'lectric typewriters."  I'm actually somewhat shocked this wasn't written by Sid.

The Teague-Ellis tandem was so proud to be the first basketball brainiacs to fire Tubby Smith that it appears the information was leaked to buddies in the national media before it was leaked to the guy being fired.

This sentence doesn't really fit the flow (as it is) of this article but it isn't hard to figure out it was put in here as another shot at Teague-Ellis for not coming to Reusse and company first with their "leaks" about the news.  Also Tubby Smith was fired by Kentucky too, so they aren't the first.  Really, this article reads like a letter written by a scorned lover.  We could get Alanis Morissette to set it to music and have a top 40 hit on our hands.

There were two reasons for the local sporting public and media to embrace Smith’s departure: One, Tubby’s mediocre performance over six seasons at Minnesota; and two, the belief that Teague’s background at VCU and Ellis’ with Villa 7 would put them in position to make a blockbuster hire.

I can't argue with this.  I would, however, argue that a blockbuster hire doesn't necessarily mean it's someone who knocks you on your ass when you hear the name.  The Gophers already tried that with Tubby Smith and, well, here we are.  Is there some law against giving someone time to prove themselves?  Oh wait, yeah.  The law of time since Reusse's fat ass will probably choke to death on a cheeseburger in a year or two.

“You always have a short list,’’ Teague said on the day he fired Smith. “You always have people that you have in mind. Some are realistic, some are unrealistic, but I have a list in mind. We’ll work that and we’ll get a terrific coach.’’

It was easy to accept VCU’s Shaka Smart and Butler’s Brad Stevens, the two hottest young coaches in the country, as unrealistic for the Gophers. That was especially true when they turned out to be unrealistic for UCLA.

And, any interest expressed by Fred Hoiberg’s agent was easy to detect as a play for a new deal at Iowa State. “The Mayor’’ of Ames wound up getting 10 years out that rumor being floated, so hooray for him.



Wow that's like, two paragraphs in a row I kind of agree with.  But wait, what's all this talk about a big-time hire then if Reusse can agree that Smart, Stevens, and Hoiberg were pretty much unrealistic?

Later, we started hearing Mick Cronin at Cincinnati, which would have allowed him to get out of the mess that remains of the former Big East … soon to be a league with the Bearcats, UConn and Memphis as the only schools of basketball prestige.

Teague-Ellis couldn’t even a land a guy whose conference is leaving him to take this job in what today stands as the best basketball league in the country.

Cronin couldn't possibly be a considered a big-time hire, could he?  Plus, I never heard of him being a serious candidate, just that his name had hit the rumor mill.  Although I should probably trust that Reusse knows what he's talking about, considering he has inside sour.......wait, no.  That's right, he doesn't and that's half of the reason he wrote this column because he's pissed off he couldn't get any inside info from Teague's office.  So basically he's just throwing shit against the wall in order to try to get another slam in at Teague and co.  What a grown up he is. I wonder what his motivation could be to act like a spoiled child who wants another cookie?

All this while, Flip Saunders — maroon-and-gold through and through, a longtime NBA coach, immensely popular with boosters — was available to be hired.

And there it is.

We loved to bad-mouth Joel Maturi, Teague’s predecessor, for his coaching searches. And it’s doubtful that Maturi would have mustered the audacity to fire Smith, the big-name coach who had landed in his lap in April 2007.

But we know this for sure:

Maturi wouldn’t have messed around with Saunders. The man we loved to ridicule would’ve had Flip hired within 48 hours of a Smith departure.

You know, I was in favor of Flip.  I was.  I thought he was the biggest home run they could have hit, but I was also aware of all the possible things that could have gone wrong, particularly considering he's never run a college program before.  If Teague wanted more control over his assistants and Flip didn't want to budge, well, agree to disagree and move on.  I fail to see how this is some colossal mistake on Teague's part.  And do we really want to insult him by saying he's not enough like Joel Maturi?  Really?  Is this fucking bizarro-world?

Tell me a week ago that the choice was Flip Saunders, a passionate ex-Gopher with an outstanding résumé, or a 30-year-old former student manager with little more than a famous surname to validate his candidacy, and I would have been standing in front of Williams Arena, acting as goofy as Larry Spooner at a Vikings stadium hearing, holding a sign and shouting, “Flip, Flip, Flip.’’

I don't know who Larry Spooner is because I'm not some stupid provincial idiot, but I can only assume he's someone well grounded who cares about sports not too much at all.  And seriously, referring to Pitino as a "former student manager"?  Yeah, it's true but guess what?  GOD DAMNED NEAR EVERY SINGLE COACH SPENDS TIME AS A STUDENT MANAGER.  You know who was never a student manager?  Flip Saunders.  Because he's NEVER BEEN A GOD DAMN COLLEGE COACH (at least not at anywhere that counted).  You know who has more experience as a D-I college coach?  Pitino.  You know who has run a program at the collegiate level?  Pitino.  You know who's a "name" who "old people" in this "town" love because he's "connected" to the "program" and is a good ole boy?  Flip.  I like Flip, but writing this entire meandering article (which both bashes and praises Villa 7 at times) to bash a new coach, who you don't know dick about, because the new guys in town didn't hire your friend?  Seriously it baffles me that people actually pay Reusse to write this crap.

Teague and Ellis started this search as the two smartest guys in any basketball room. They return with a coach much more suspect than what poor old Northwestern managed in Chris Collins, an assistant but fully trained,

Can anyone tell me what the hell "fully trained" means?  Collins was an assistant coach for 15 years at Seton Hall and Duke.  Pitino was an assistant for seven years, then an associate head coach, and then, oh yeah, AN ACTUAL FUCKING HEAD COACH.  I can see arguing the merits of the two with someone because I can actually see either side of the debate on who is more qualified to run a Big 10 program, but to call Pitino "much more suspect" than Collins is clearly yet another reach in order to throw another shot at Teague and Ellis simply because your buddy didn't get the job.  Not to mention there isn't a chance in hell Reusse knows what the duties of either were as an assistant because that could make a world of difference.  I don't either, but at least I'll admit it.  By the way, you know how many years Rick Pitino was an assistant before he got a head job?  Four.  He seems to be doing ok.  

rather than the nonfiction version of Billy Heywood.

Jesus, what a twat.

Gophers vs. Illinois L ive Blog

-11 minutes - So why not drink some booze and live blog, am I right?  Watching the Iowa State vs. Kansas game right now.  Great game. 

-9 minutes - On a scale of 1-think the Big Bang Theory isn't nerdy enough, how nerdy is it that I just watched this:


-7 minutes - So real quick since we have some time let me just mention how ridiculous the Hall of Fame voting crap was this year with nobody getting in.  Are you guys kidding me?  The worst part is you know they think they're taking some kind of stand or making a statement, when in reality they're just being a bunch of pussies.  The worst part?  As pointed out by Loretta8 from Sippin' on Purple - Bonds and Clemens finished with a different amount of votes.  One is the all-time home run leader, the other won 7 Cy Young Awards.  They're both no-brainer first ballot inductees - unless you are against voting in steroid guys (aka completely ignoring the 90s) in which case they both are at the same level of guilt and should both stay out.  One way or the other.  This means somebody voted for one, but not the other guy. Makes zero sense.  They need to revamp the whole system, and I hate saying that because I really don't know how to make it better.  To start, how about kicking out all the idiots. 

-4 minutes - Seriously, even if you don't want to vote in anybody you remotely suspect of steriods (and, by the way, I've never heard Piazza linked to roids) how do you not elect Craig Biggio?  The stats are there and I'm pretty sure nobody suspects him of steroid use.  Or elect Tim Raines for christ's sake.  He's the second best leadoff hitter of all-time.  At some point I may have to do a post on Raines - or at least link to one - because the guy absolutely has the numbers to be in Cooperstown.  And you know he wasn't on steroids because he was too busy being high on cocaine.

-2 minutes - This Iowa State game needs to end before the Gopher game starts.  Hurry up already.

20:00 - A banked in three for Kansas?  You gotta be joshing me.  Welp, on to the Gopher game.

20:00 - Being good kind of sucks.  It was much easier watching these games when I knew they were going to lose. 

20:00 - What's Egwu doing in there, he doesn't even shoot threes?

19:48 - Paul with a very tough three point attempt (and missed).  You can have that all game, guys.

19:04 - Another bad three early in the shot clock.  Please keep doing this, Illini.

17:41 - Illinois doing a good job keeping the Gophers off the offensive glass, which we can tell already because they've missed like, a billion shots already.

16:53 - Announcer guy FYI - D.J. Richardson is not a "sharp shooter."  Gopher offense is so bad right now I'm afraid Tubby might go with the line change offense.

16:18 - Brandon Paul called for the charge after dunking over Mbakwe - announcers don't seem to realize that is, indeed, an offensive foul so who cares about the dunk part.  I feel like these guys might be the death of me.  Gophers down 4-3, but there have been as many shots already as there were in the entire first half of the Northwestern game.

15:44 - Wait a minute.  How can a basket count on a made dunk with a charge called?  By definition the ball was still in Paul's hand, which by definition means the basket doesn't count.  Jesus this is like re-writing the rules of math.  It's not like you can just change PI to be equal to 3.14158.  My god people.

14:29 - Gopher defense has been good, forcing Illinois into tough shots, other than the two dunks that is, and doing a good job on the boards.  Gophers just not converting opportunities except for just now with Coleman on a dunk in transition.  More transition please.

13:25 - Rodney for 3?  I guess if they aren't going to challenge it he's going to have to prove he can hit it.  Big shot as far as rest of the game implications go.

12:12 - Dre hits a three to answer a Richardson three.  Richardson's came early in the shot clock with a hand in his face, Dre's came mid-shot clock and was wide open.  Gophers are going to win this game, you guys.

11:29 - Complete second unit in for the Gophers.  Great.  And Elliason travels 35 feet from the bucket.  I know why he does this, so he can play the good players the entire second half, but I still don't like it.  Gophers down 13-11 right now, let's hope it stays close to that number while these clowns run down the shot clock again and again.

10:18 - Gopher turnover, Illinois three, Gopher turnover.

9:52 - Welch guarding Paul.  God save us all.

9:32 - Offensive foul on Elliason.  That's three straight turnovers by him.  Effing brilliant.

9:00 - Is there anything more terrifying than Maverick in transition?  For Gopher fans, I mean.

7:56 - TV timeout coming with Illinois up 16-15.  Good job by the second unit.  And by good job, I mean good job on defense (for real) with absolutely brutal offense until Mbakwe came in for Elliason, with Trevor scoring all four points.

7:42 - Wow.  Mbakwe with the drive from the top of the key, makes a lefty layup and is fouled.  That was an NBA second round draft pick play right there.  Free throw to tie?  Good.

6:45 - Coleman goes for a monster dunk and gets fouled but it's not called, good job attacking the rim though.  Pretty sure Dan just pulls up for a 16 footer there.

5:47 - Great defensive rotations forcing the Illini into bad shots, leading to transition opportunities leading to back-to-back dunks by Coleman and Mbakwe.  Gophers up four.

4:53 - More bad shots, more transition opportunities, more Gopher dunks.

4:17 - Good one-on-one move by Bertand to hit a jumper, answered by a three-pointer by Austin Hollins off a good pass by Andre in transition.

3:57 - D.J. Richardson has got to be one of the more disappointing big 10 players I can remember.  Tons of fan fare and hype and in four years he's become nothing more than a jump shooter.  Of course, it's tough when you have to play for the worst couch in the world.

2:08 - Illinois getting (and hitting) a shit ton of free throws, keeping this close at 31-27 Gophers.  Illinois just terrible from three right now, but a lot of it is the Gopher defense.  In general the Illini aren't missing open shots, but contested ones.

1:25 - Hollins (Austin) for three, followed by an Illini miss, followed by Andre Ingram throwing a pass into the 8th row.  I really think Andre Ingram is very promising for a sophomore.

0:47 - Paul actually gets an open look and drains it.  Then Ingram travels.  We're going to have to go Iron Five.

0:00 - 34-30 Gophers at the half.  Excellent job.  Gopher defense is playing awesome, and as long as they keep that up and keep getting transition opportunities they're going to win this game.

0:00 - Holy crap the Lakers are a mess.  Spurs up 101-85 with seven minutes left.

19:13 - Illinois still taking dumb shots as Paul goes for the contested running floater (and misses).

18:33 - Paul swatted by Rodney on a contested turnaround jumper, which leads to a wide open three for Austin Hollins (who misses) which leads to an offensive rebound which leads to a lay-up (and foul) for Mbakwe.  Free throw good.  That sequence was a microcosm of this game.

17:53 - Richardson step back 18 footer early in the shot clock.  So dumb.

16:54 - Gopher ball up 39-30.  Looking for a dagger.  Looking at you, Austin.

16:17 - How about a 40 footer with teh shot clock at two that banks in for Dre who I'm not even sure looked at the hoop?  How about that?

14:52 - Illinois with a couple buckets in the paint to cut it to 44-36 Gophers.  I hope they haven't figured out this "get good shots" thing.

14:11 - Another lay-up for Illinois, time-out Gophers.  Gotta keep 'em out of the paint and keep making them take those contested jumpers they love so much.

12:33 - Illini cut it to 2 with like their fourth straight basket in the paint.  I liked it better when they were stupid.  Also Mo Walker in the game is killing everything. 

11:54 - Austin Hollins steal leads to a dunk for Coleman, and then a Dre Hollins steal leads to an intentional foul by Illinois.  Also, I'm having a heart attack.

11:54 - I think I'm supposed to try to be funny but I'm just way too into the game.  If you want to laugh just listen to Nickelback or Coldplay or something.

11:41 - Dre hits both free throws and then nails a three.  Thank god for Dre.  Like Eminem said, you can't forget about Dre.  *streetcred*

11:09 - Shit, Paul into the lane, fouled and hits the shot.  STOP PLAYING SMART ILLINOIS.

10:50 - "Ahanmisi getting ready to check-in."  Cry.

10:28 - Another Illinois lay-up, defense has gone to shit. 

9:38 - Coleman for three?  Great play by Rodney to find him.  And again Illinois gets to the lane and draws a foul.  This needs to stop.

9:12 - Time for Welch to shine here with four fouls on Andre Hollins already.  I'm fine with him on offense, but very scared on defense.

8:38 - Gophers switch to a zone leading to an absolutely terrible three point miss by Paul, leading to a dunk by Rodney and a 58-47 Gopher lead.  I love dumb teams.

7:09 - Paul into the lane and misses when he could have kicked it out to a teammate for an open three, leads to a transition lay-up for Coleman and a 60-49 lead.  I feel like I'm typing the same thing over and over again.  Also fearing this is a pretty worthless live blog for the reader, but what do you care it's saving you from having to think about actually doing work.

6:42 - Bertand goes one-on-one for about 10 dribbles then misses a contested turnaround.  I know I keep pointing it out but I can't get over how dumb this team is. 

5:43 - Could have done without the easy dunk.  On Coleman, naturally.

5:24 - He pays it back by blowing by his defender for a lay-up.  Incredible game for Coleman.

4:45 - Coleman with ANOTHER three.  And Dre Hollins just checked in and picked up his fourth foul, which means earlier when I thought he had four he only had three which means I have no idea why he was ever taken out of the game.

3:33 - Gophers up 13 (another Coleman dunk) and I can still barely breathe.

3:04 - Sloppy turnover.  Oh yeah, that's why.

2:52 - Richardson airballs a three (contested, of course) which reminds me why I probably CAN breathe.

2:30 - I know the game isn't over yet (Gophers up 72-59) but man is this team good.  Their defense is incredible.  Watching their rotations on defense was the most impressive part of the game, and that's a game when Coleman scored 25 (as of now).  Those who didn't watch or didn't pay attention may call this a fluky bad shooting night by the Illini, but the Gophers had everything to do with that.  Then look at the offense where they have five guys who could put up 20 on any given night?  This team is for real, kids. 

1:48 - I can't believe Illinois missed another contested three-pointer, you guys.

1:16 - Brandon Paul lay-up.  Basically uncontested since the Gophers are up by 12 (after that).

0:30 - Coleman playing some serious suckhole, now up to 29 points after a couple easy dunks.

0:09 - Dre with a three as the shot clock winds down becasue why not.  84-67 Final.  Crazy, dudes.  I'll maybe have more on this game tomorrow if I don't get lazy

Monday's Musings

I promise that I plan to get back to doing the week in review type posts every Monday, but Easter weekend was hectic as all hell and by the time I finally got to sit down on a stupid computer it was late Sunday and I just didn't have the energy or care enough to slap together something.  Plus, that wouldn't live up to the fine tradition I've started here of high quality postings every single time.  I couldn't possibly betray you that way, gentle reader, so I just didn't type up anything.  Instead I'll just put together my thoughts into this evening's post.  Just like this:

-  Tip o' the ole cap to our buddy Grandslam for bringing this to my attention, but guess how much money Kyle Lohse is going to make this year.  Go ahead, guess.  You're way low.  It's $12 million.  Nope, not in his career, but this year alone Lohse will make $12 mother-effing million dollars.  And in 2009 and 2010 combined he made about $16 million to deliver right around a combined 200 below-average innings to the Cardinals.  This, my friends, would be why you don't suddenly throw a 4-year, $41 million extension at a pitcher with a history of mediocrity simply because he has one slighly above average season, especially when advanced metrics can tell you, if you take the time to put down the binoculars and game worn miniature scorebook pencil, that he was a little bit lucky and you can fully expect him to regress back to the same mediocre pitcher.

Now Lohse is off to a 3-1 start and coming off a gem of a 2-hit shutout against Washington (WASHINGTON!!), and has a low ERA and WHIP, but honestly you don't need advanced metrics to tell you he's not that good (note:  he's been very, very lucky so far).  He's an average pitcher at best who has just enough of a live arm that he's going to jump up and give you a good start or two here or there - he did it for the Twins, he did it for the Phillies, and he's done it before for these very same Cardinals.  But guess what?  There's not a chance in hell he's worth $12 million.


Want to know the best part?  When they extended him they also gave him a full no-trade clause.  L-O-freaking-L.  Who's running this team, McHale?  I'm expecting another extension any day.

-  And since we are on the subject of former Twins' pitcher who define mediocrity (or worse) guess who currently has a no-hitter through five innings against the Yankees?  Phil freaking Humber.  I know there's no way this can last more than another batter or two, but could there possibly be a bigger kick in the nuts?  Player acquired for former superstar who the team couldn't afford to keep who washes out pitches a no-hitter for a hated division rival against the old team's arch nemisis that's bounced them from the playoffs the last three times they've been there?  Honestly, the only way you could possibly make this worse is to have it be a playoff game.  But yeah, this will do.  Ouch.

- Greivis Vasquez plays a meaningful role for the Grizzlies?  I had no idea (but I guess why would I when it pertains to the Memphis NBA team).  I've been watching this game for about four game minutes and he's hit two buckets as well as a three-pointer.  I think he might be MVP.

-   Humber now through six.  Still hitless.  If he can get through the seventh (Granderson, Texeira, A-Rod) he'll have a chance.  Of course, that still lives Cano.  Wait.  I got it.  He's going get all the way to the last out, which will be Jeter.  Jeter will break it up. All announcers/journalists everywhere will collectively mess their shorts to race to their typewriters to write up an article about how tough he is and his intangibles.  One journalist will out-crazy them all by writing about how he believes "some part of Jeter really didn't want to break that up, because he knew what a great story it was, but he's such a competitor that the though of lying down never crossed his mind."  Book it.

-  I just realized A.J. Burnett is on the other side of this, and he's only allowed 2 hits and one run.  This is like bizarro-world.  There must be a five-hundred mile per hour wind blowing in, the infield grass must be three times longer than normal, and whoever is umping home plate obviously is calling everything a strike tonight.  That has to be it, no?

-  Moment of silence of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, who died nine years ago today.  You may remember her as the crazy as shit broad from TLC who burned down Andre Rison's house, but what you might not remember is that Andre Rison died exactly four years ago today.  Creepy, right?  But I should mention that I actually have no idea if Andre Rison is dead or alive, and if he is dead he probably didn't die on this date.  But he could have, and that's creepy.

-  I just read that a judge or something lifted the NFL lockout.  I'm not going to lie to you.  I have no idea what this means.  All I know is I want scab players in at least one NFL game.  Come on.  Tell me you don't want to see Adam Weber throw a TD pass to some 33-year old slob who was selling cars or schlepping concrete last year.  How much fun would it be to go through the rosters and see guys you remember as the third WR on Michigan in 2002 and be all like, "Ronald Bellamy!  I remember that guy!  He's a fag!"  Seriously, it would be like Christmas.

-  A-Rod breaks up the no-hitter with one down in the 7th.  I feel both relieved and saddened at the same time.

-  That Joe Mauer/Troy Polamolu commercial creeps me out.

-  I know what you're wondering.  You're wondering what's going on with the NBDL right now.  Well I'll tell you.  They've reached the finals (which is a best of three affair) and the Iowa Energy are up on the Rio Grande Valley Vipers after taking game one by a score of 123-109.  Iowa was led by Curtis "The Curt Man" Stinson who notched a triple-double (29-10-10).  Also apparently Stinson was MVP of the D-League.  How proud of that would you be?  I'd say it's kind of like getting into Harvard and getting a communications degree.  I mean, it's better than slinging crack or living off welfare, but even so you gotta feel like you didn't quite get everything out of life that you maybe should have.

-  I don't know how anybody could root for the San Antonio Spurs.  You have the world's most boring superstar surrounded by a bunch of commies and some ooh la la frenchman who probably smells like Drakkar.  Gross.

-  Speaking of Drakkar, Memphis is about to be up 3-1 on the Spurs tonight and I can't help but a feel a bit of a pang of jealousy.  I know this would be their first playoff series win ever, and they picked up their first playoff win ever earlier, and I also know the Wolves did have that nice run the conference finals, but Memphis being successful when the Wolves are in the pooper makes me, and baby jesus, cry.  How can Zach Randolph become a leader?  How can a backcourt of O.J. Mayo, Mike Conley, and Tony Allen do, well, anything?  And the Wolves are not just worse, but significantly worse.  That feels like a place to end.  Plus I have to go stab myself in the temple with a crossbow quarrel, but before I go I want to leave with this piece of wisdom...."The eyes are the groin of the head."

-  Wait, I just realized I didn't even put a picture in here. So here's a pic of Alison Brie. Top 10, easy.  Should also drive some traffic because cash money ya'll.

Thursday Things

Random thoughts on a Thursday evening, as I sit here with a couple of Coors Light tallboys.  No, I'm not abandoning your precious 6 things format, but I can't sit here just married to it, night after night.  I'm sorry I'm not like you and can't just have the same thing over and over, night after night.  Some of us need a little variety.  A little newness.  So settle down.

By the way, I have Friday off.  Do you? 

SUCKA MC!!

-  I'm sitting here watching Alexi Casilla flail away haplessly at yet another pitch, it strikes me that this Casilla/Tolbert combo must be one of the absolute worst offensive double-play combos of all time.  So let's play around with baseball-reference.

Casilla's career OPS+ is 68.  Tolbert's is 72.  According to BR, there have been 134 seasons where a player had an OPS+ of 72 or less while playing 2b 75% of the time and acquiring 500 plate appearances, and using those same parameters we come up with 238 shortstops.  The question is, did any of those 2b's play with an of those SS's, or, if they hit at their career averages, do the Twins have the worst offensive double play combination in history?

I'll save you some suspense.  I found 16 teams where the SS and 2B both had an OPS+ of 72 or worse, so the Casilla/Tolbert combination is only one of the 16 worst in history - not THE worst.  BUT.  14 of those come from pre-1980 teams.  Back when nobody even gave a crap if your middle infield could even hit the ball out of the infield as long as they could field their position well.  Since 1980, only two teams (2003 Dodgers with Alex Cora (67) and Cesar Izturis (60) and the 2007 Giants with Ray Durham (64) and Omar Vizquel (60)) had a worse hitting middle infield than the Twins.  So yes, in case anybody asks you can feel comfortable telling them this Twins combo is the third worst since 1980.  Comforting.

-  Speaking of shitty baseball players I'm really sick of Austin Jackson, who is on my fantasy team.  The guy has zero plate discipline and apparently almost zero ability to actually make contact when he swings.  Now I'm not against strikeouts per se, despite their being fascist, but when you have a player who strikes out a ton you expect to get a little bit of power along with it.  Not so with Mr. Jackson, who struck out 170 times last year while countering with just four home runs (and this year he's at 24 to 1).  Bizarre, right?  Let's check Mr. Baseball-Reference again.

Prior to Jackson last year, the fewest home runs hit by a player with 170 strikeouts or more was 13 by Jose Hernandez in 2003.  Next fewest was Mark Bellhorn with 17 in 2004, then Curtis Granderson's 19 in 2006.  The fewest home runs by a player with 160 strikeouts was Mickey Tettleton with 15 in 1990.  150 strikeouts was Delino DeShields with 10 in 1991.  In fact, the most strikeouts by a player with 4 or less home runs was Michael Bourn, who struck out 140 times with just 3 home runs in 2009.  Simply put, Jackson is about to become the world's greatest strikeout artist with no power, because he's going to pretty much repeat last season's numbers.  Only 8 players have ever hit five or less home runs while striking out at least 125 times, including that illustrious firecracker Vince Coleman, and only Gary Pettis has done it twice.  Can Jackson match the feat of Gary George Pettis?  It's exciting, isn't it?

-  I'm pretty sure if there's a heaven, at least one of the main rivers is made up of Buffalo Wild Wing's Spicy Garlic sauce.  Not their version of the Nile or the Amazon or the Mississippi, because those are probably reserved for booze, but maybe like the Congo or the Mekong.

-  Former Twin Kyle Lohse pitched a hell of a game today, specifically a 2-hit shutout.  I was going to write more about it but really who the hell cares?  He's a completely average pitcher who occasionally has moments of brilliance, like today, just like he was 10 years ago or whatever on the Twins and just like ten million other pitchers in the major leagues.  God he's so boring.  He's like the pitcher version of a MASH episode.

-  Jesus christ is Parks and Recreation funny.  Community is awfully good too, but there's nothing better than Parks and Rec right now.  It's knock it out of the park funny every time.  I think the five funniest characters in tv history are Ron Swanson, April Ludgate, Tom Haverford, Rob Lowe's character, and Bill Haverchuck.  Four of them are from Parks and Rec.  And Andy Dwyer is a runner-up, and we haven't even gotten to comedic genius Amy Poehler yet.  Really, if you're not watching this show you're a god damn idiot.

- How does Chris Bosh only get 6 rebounds in 41 minutes?  Both Wade and LeBron grabbed more rebounds than him, when really his biggest role on that team should be "rebound getter guy."  Ugh.  He's so lame.

-  ohmygodohmygodohmygod you guys I am so freaking excited right now.  Mrs. W just showed me a video (settle down, pervs) of a movie coming out this summer from SyFy called Swamp Shark about, well, a shark in a swamp.  It stars D.B. "shoeless joe" Sweeney and Kristy "hotter than fire or at least I used to be" Swanson (who was also in Red Water which I desperately want to blog but is apparently never ever ever replayed on tv even though it had Coolio as an evil mastermind in it) which is simply an awesome pairing of two awesome people.  I don't know if I could come up with a better male and female lead for a crappy SyFy shark movie.  I'm like Jessie Spano on caffeine pills right now.  Here's the trailer but I want to warn you - you're going to end up with a boner.



Also I think we should all think of Kristy Swanson like this:

And pay no attention to any pictures of her from the last few years because hey, sometimes life gets in the way of being hot.  I'm sure she'll bring her A game for Swamp Shark.  I mean, she'd have to in order to beat out all the other actresses who were no doubt clamoring for that role.

-  So I came up with this formula to calculate how likely a player is to get a hit in any given at-bat against a pitcher and using that info can calculate games where a  player is particularly unlikely to get a hit and then wager on such, usually at a 2-to-1 payout or so if they don't.  I have to tell you it's nerve-wracking, especially when some dickhole (F you Melky Cabrera and Dan Uggla) is hitless all game and then gets one in the ninth.  Like right now I just watched a relatively meaningless Ryan Howard at-bat, but because I have him to get NO hit at +170 I was riveted, even though it's the 4th inning.  It's good, and it's bad.

-  Speaking of gambling, here are my season futures this year:

• Jayson Werth OVER 21.5 home runs
• Joakim Soria OVER 34.5 saves
• Mark Reynolds OVER 30.5 home runs
• Nelson Cruz OVER 27.5 home runs
• Jayson Heyward UNDER 23.5 home runs
• Adam Dunn OVER 35.5 home runs
• Ryan Zimmerman OVER 26.5 home runs
• Carlos Pena OVER 27.5 home runs
• Jose Bautista OVER 29.5 home runs
• Shin Soo Choo OVER 156.5 hits
• Justin Verlander OVER 15.5 wins
• Joe Mauer OVER 164.5 hits
• Ichiro OVER 197.5 hits
• Josh Johnson OVER 13.5 wins
• David Price OVER 15.5 wins
• Clayton Kershaw OVER 13.5 wins
• Clay Buchholz OVER 14.5 wins
• Troy Tulowitzki OVER 28.5 home runs
• Phillies UNDER 96.5 wins
• Marlins OVER 82.5 wins
• Red Sox UNDER 96.5 wins
• Cubs OVER 82.5 wins
• A's OVER 83.5 wins
• Orioles UNDER 77.5 wins

What?  No, YOU have a problem.

-  Oh crap I guess I should mention something here about Colton Iverson transferring to Colorado State.  So here, "Colton Iverson is transferring to Colorado State."  I can't think of anything else to write.  I'd rather have him here than there, but if you were to ask me if I care I'm not entirely sure I could even muster a "meh."  Maybe just a "m".  

-  I know Christina Aguilera has put on some weight lately, but I have to be honest with you - all the reports of her becoming a total drunk mess have me bumping her up in my rankings, extra weight or not.

-  You know what's a great snack mix?  Corn nuts and soy nuts.  Outstanding.  Throw some sunflower seeds in there and you have a little bit of heaven.

-  Finally, I started reading Sid Hartman's latest column on startribune.com, and I just can't resist.  Let's break this down a little bit, Sid's writings in bold.

The Vikings seem to have a strong interest in securing a veteran quarterback once the NFL lockout ends.

I'm not entirely certain, but the fact that the QBs on the roster are Joe Webb, Patrick Ramsey, and Rhett Bomar make it seem like they may need somebody else

It also might be possible the Vikings and Redskins have had some conversations about a deal for 34-year-old quarterback Donovan McNabb, who definitely won't be a member of his current team once play resumes.

I'm definitely not saying anything with any certainty but possibly maybe it could be in the realm of existence that the Vikings have talked to the Redskins about Donovan McNabb.  I think I read that somewhere.

Of course, no deals can be made while the lockout is in progress, but I don't know if there is any rule against the clubs talking about making a deal.

I don't know if there are any rules against it, and this paper for some reason has a strict policy against looking things up or even asking someone who might know the answer.  Of course, to do either of those things I'd have to figure out this computating machine or the communication device on my desk.

One reason why McNabb might be the veteran quarterback the team will sign is because Vikings coach Leslie Frazier is personally familiar with McNabb. Frazier was a defensive assistant with the Eagles from 1999 to 2002, when McNabb was in his prime.

Way back in 2002, back when the Patriots were a Super Bowl underdog, the New Jersey Nets made the NBA Finals, the Indiana Hoosiers made the Final Four, and Mike Tyson still held a championship belt.  But I'm assuming with Frazier being on board, McNabb should be about the same player he was back then.

Last season, Shanahan's first year as the Redskins coach, McNabb played in 13 games, completed 275 of 472 passes for 3,377 yards, a 58.3 completion percentage and an average of 7.2 yards per attempt. He threw for 14 touchdowns, 15 interceptions and a 77.1 passer rating.

AAAh numbers!  What are you, some kind of nerd?  Sports aren't played by computers or numbers or stats, they're played by people.  And Donovan McNabb is a people.

The big problem might be McNabb's contract, which calls for the Redskins to pick up McNabb's $10 million option if he is on the Redskins' 53-man roster the day after the first regular-season game. McNabb's base salary for the 2011 season, if it is played, is reported to be $2.5 million, but jumps to $12.75 million in 2012.

My head hurts.

I'm sure the Vikings would not deal for McNabb unless they could redo his contract. They are not going to pay that kind of money to a 34-year-old quarterback who is at the tail end of his career.

Sounds like a dare.

ESPN correspondent Adam Schefter wrote on Twitter on Saturday that he "believes McNabb would like to play for the Vikings" next year.

What's twitter?  Is that on the computationalator?

No doubt the plan is to sign a veteran quarterback, draft another and try to develop Joe Webb into the future starter.

What happened to all this "I'm not entirely certain" talk?  Now we've moved to no doubt?

Jerry Kill continues to coach the Gophers football team without a contract. Apparently University of Minnesota lawyers and Kill's agent can't agree on some of the clauses in the contract.

And I absolutely refuse to expound on this further.  I know stuff and you don't.  Neener neener neener.

Basketball coach Tubby Smith's lawyers still are trying to reach an agreement on an extension. Baseball coach John Anderson, who won the Big Ten title a year ago and advanced to the NCAA tournament, is operating on his old contract without any new negotiations taking place.

This is the part where I don't know where I am and forgot what I'm supposed to be writing about.  Since I just re-read the thing about the Gopher football coach, I'm just going to mention the only other two Gopher coaches whose names I remember.

Former Twins shortstop Orlando Cabrera is one of the big reasons for the Cleveland Indians' early success and first-place standing in the American League Central entering Wednesday's games. The 36-year-old is hitting .262, and his 11 RBI is second on the team. He's also hit two home runs this season after hitting five in all of 2009 for the Twins and four for Cincinnati last year. 

He's hitting .257, has walked all of twice in 72 plate appearances, and outside of those two precious home runs has one extra base hit.  His OPS+ of 86 actually says he's been a significantly below average hitter this year, equivalent to what Michael Cuddyer has done for the Twins so far this year (pre-tonight's home run).  But keep clinging to those 11 RBI, which are more a product of hitting behind Travis Hafner, Carlos Santana, and Michael Brantley - all of whom can't stop getting on base.  And how dare he hit more home runs for Cleveland than for the Twins.  He'll never work in this town again.

... Jon Rauch, who the Twins declined to keep after the 2010 season and instead signed a $3.5 million deal with Toronto, is 1-1 with a 2.35 ERA and three saves for the Blue Jays.

He also has a 5/4 strikeout-to-walk ratio and an insanely lucky BABIP.  He sucks.  And is lucky.

Another pair of relievers the Twins let go last winter are doing well with their new teams. Jesse Crain has been fantastic for the Chicago White Sox, posting an 0-1 record and a 1.93 ERA in 9 1/3 innings pitched, with 11 strikeouts and only two walks. 

And has been a huge part of two bullpen meltdowns that lead to Sox's losses.

Former Twins utility player Nick Punto appeared in his first game of the season for the St. Louis Cardinals on Wednesday, taking a walk as a pinch hitter in the sixth inning. Punto had been on the disabled list because of a sports hernia.

A real tough-guy, hard-nosed, gritty, hustley, gamer injury probably suffered by sliding into first base.

 ... J.J. Hardy, who was hurt a great deal in his one season with the Twins last year, has been placed on the 15-day disabled list by the Baltimore Orioles because of a muscle strain. Hardy was off to a somewhat slow start for the Orioles, hitting .200 (3-for-15) through six games, but all three hits were doubles.

Not a gamer.  Pussy.

How dare they play Joe Mauer at Catcher.

I haven't done this in a while, so let's take this piece by Howard Sinker and look at it, FJM-style.


Joe C. offered his perspective on Joe Mauer's 2010 season and it brought out the cyberthugs who launched into their accusations about Mauer's lack of heart, soul and might. (Yes, I'm sampling some Old Testament verse. That's Deuteronomy, Ch. 6, ft. the Lord.)

Clever use of a bible joke there.  I would have gone with a "new musical group" joke myself, but that's just splitting hairs.  Additionally, I love the reference to cyberthugs, basically an admission that we aren't going to pay too much attention to the facts here.  What are we, nerds?  Nerds who live in their mother's basement?

Look at the numbers and the level of sourness is unwarranted.

3-12 for the series, all three hits singles, 1 walk, 3 strikeouts.  I'm not inclined to bust his balls when we're looking at such a small sample-size, but I would say the level of sourness about Mauer in the playoffs is closer to warranted than unwarranted.  And for his career he's been significantly worse in the playoffs than in the regular season, not to mention being 0-9 in winning.


Watch the way that Josh Hamilton has recovered from his late season injuries and jealousy is understandable.

Call me crazy, but I think we're being set up for a thinly veiled article that's letting Mauer off the hook for his poor performance, and excusing it because he's a catcher.

Mauer is going to be a Twin for the next eight years and -- at this point -- if you think that's not a good thing, I think you're very, very wrong.

Probably true and maybe true.  In 2018, he will be making $23 million as a 35-year old, which is pretty dicey, especially when you consider that $23 million was a significant overpayment for the offensive production you got out of him this year.  Luckily, a lot of his value comes from the fact that he can put up those numbers while playing above average defense as a catcher, which gives the Twins a big advantage over pretty much every other team.  Good thing everybody seems to recognize that.

That being said, 2011 is the time to begin transitioning him to another position. By the midpoint of his contract, he should no longer be catching.

I KNEW IT!!!!!!!

As good a defensive catcher as Mauer is, the Twins didn't sign him for $23 million per season because of his defensive skills. They signed him for his batting prowess, which would be considered extraordinary under any circumstances and has been otherworldly because of the numbers he's compiled while catching.

I would argue they signed him first and foremost because of his value to the franchise as, well, the face of the franchise, not to mention sending a positive message to the fans, reassuring them that every star doesn't end up leaving our cute little team.  Secondly, they probably signed him because of his great value as a catcher who can hit.  If you really want to look at offensive statistics only, he was behind both Luke Scott and Sin-Soo Choo in OPS this year.  Once again, incredible for a catcher, merely good for a first baseman or outfielder.


Keep in mind that his contract was enhanced by a few million per year based on his off-the-charts 2009 numbers. As cordial looking as those negotiations appeared last winter, if the Twins hadn't shown Mauer the money, we'd be preparing to watch a free-agent frenzy play out and the population would be outraged. Bet on it.
That Mauer got hot at the right time and forced the Pohlads to dig deeper into their vault bothers me not one bit. If Mauer's contract causes the Twins to do business differently (read: more cheaply), it will be because the Pohlads will have changed their operating philosophy and that would be shameful.

Actually, I think if the Twins do business differently it will because Mauer's new contract chews up such a huge chunk of the payroll.  If they can budget $100 million for payroll each year, things are going to be significantly different with one player taking up 23% of that.  This is like saying if I have $100 to spend on alcohol, and I buy Grey Goose vodka instead of Karkov, I should still be able to get a bunch of Newcastle or Red Stripe instead of having to get Schlitz.

OK, enough preamble.

This, I can agree with.

In seven seasons with the Twins, Mauer has been significantly hampered by injuries in four of them. He missed almost his entire rookie season in 2004 with knee injuries, a month in the '07 and '09 seasons and chunks of  this season despite the fact that he didn't go on the disabled list. He was sidelined enough last season that he actually had 22 fewer plate appearances in 2010 than he did in '09.

This is true.  It's funny how lots of players are injury-prone where others never seem to get hurt.  In 2004, a scientist from Belgium and one from South Africa teamed up to study the phenomenon and came to the conclusion that some athletes are simply more prone to injury due to the way they move.  Seems like Mauer might be one of these, seeing as how his injuries are usually of the "severe" kind and not usually of the "nagging" kind.  I'm actually not even sure there is such a thing as "injury-prone", particularly when one injury has nothing to do with the other.  What do you think, Howard?

That track record is enough evidence for me that the Twins can expect more of the same -- if not even more problems -- as Mauer gets older.

Oh, right.  Got it.  But is this really true?  Grant Hill was labeled as injury prone, but he's played every game the last two seasons.  Fred Taylor has actually played almost every game in more seasons than not.  Our very own Carl Pavano went through this when he was with New York, but has now pitched 200 innings, more or less, two straight years.  But of course, for every one of these guys who seem to break free, you have a Brian Westbrook or a Tracy McGrady who continue along the injury-laden path.  So, to me, it would seem that past injuries are not necessarily an indicator of future results.

In addition, his career month-by-month regular-season statistics show a significant decline in September/October in on base-plus-slugging percentage (.846) compared with any month from May through August (.880 to .959 for those four months). I'll use that as evidence that the demands of catching wear him down when the Twins need him most. A statistic wrinkle here is that his 2009 September was excellent (.958 OPS), but because he missed the first month of the season (as well as spring training), that was still "August" on Mauer's baseball calendar.

This actually sounds good, but he neglects to mention how brutal Mauer was in September of his freaking rookie year (OPS = .562), and if you take that out of the calculation you get an OPS of .893, right in line with his career numbers and making September his third best month.  And since August is his second best month, I'm having real trouble with this "wearing down" angle we seem to be going after here.

Oh, and if you want to throw September of 2009 out as well, for some odd reason relating to some sort of baseball calendar, which I picture as baseball shaped and hanging on Mauer's fridge with pictures of various former Twins' catchers on it, his OPS for September is still .871, right in line with his career mark of .888.

Boom.  Lawyered.

And if you want to accuse me of cherry-picking a statistic, I'll counter that OPS is disproportionately significant for the third batter in your order.

Of course you're cherry picking a stat.  By definition.  You also chose a good one to cherry pick, the same one I would have in fact.  This seems like a really weird thing to be defending yourself about, especially with some of the other things going on in this article.

I don't want Mauer to be durable by catching standards; I want 700 plate appearances every season without him wearing down more than other players.

# of players who reached 700 plate appearances last year:  11
# of these players who were NOT leadoff hitters:  6
# of players who qualified for the batting title (aka "regulars"):  151

So the new goal for Mauer is to do something that only 4% of non-leadoff hitters who start regularly were able to do last year.  And would also be an 11% increase over his career high.  Oh and since he wants 700 PAs EVERY year, I looked it up and since 2000 only 32 players have managed 700 plate appearances in back-to-back seasons.

I want to see Mauer be like Josh Hamilton in the postseason, not Nick Punto. (Mauer in the postseason: .286/.359/.314; Punto in the postseason: .286/.375/.333.)

This guy really likes Josh Hamilton.  Also, that Mauer/Punto thing is pretty sad.  Also, they have the same number of extra base hits - one - but Mauer has 39 plate appearances and Punto 25.  Ouch.  Though I'm not entirely sure what this has to do with being a catcher, since Brian McCann had two extra base hits and Buster Posey has three just this year.

And this winter -- when the Twins are facing a combination of interesting roster decisions and uncertainty -- is prime time for the hard discussions to take place and the options to be vetted. If you want to lose sleep over the second-base situation, that's your option. But that's way down on my list.

You know what's way down on my list?  Trying to move Joe Mauer to a new position.


A few options, in quick-hit form:

As you read each of these, keep in mind that moving Mauer from catcher to another position requires someone else to play catcher, somebody who likely hits like Drew Butera.    
 

*If the Twins are as (privately) pessimistic about Justin Morneau as I am, Mauer and Michael Cuddyer would make a fine first-base share for 2011. Cuddyer would be a better trade candidate if he wasn't making $10.5 million in 2011, but that's another story. Have Mauer catch 90 games and play first base in 60.

Whole lot of Ifs there, not to mention the implied insider knowledge that the Twins are pessimistic about Morneau.  I don't doubt Mauer could play first base, at least as well as Cuddyer (which is terribly), but again, you're nullifying one of the biggest advantages of having him on the team - his advantage over another catcher.  No matter what you think of Cuddy, do you prefer Mauer and Cuddy or Mauer and Butera?  Exactly.

Let's put this another way with a little back of the envelope math.  The average 1B starter in the American League OPSed .828 this year.  Mauer was at .871, so he would be slightly above average as a starting first baseman in the AL - about 5% better.  The average starting catcher in the AL OPSed .754, so Mauer was 16% better than average.  So his bat is 3 times more effective when he's a catcher, and that's just his bat, not to mention turning him from a good defender to, best case, an average one.

I hope that made sense.  And if it didn't, just use some common sense, dummy.

*Corner outfield. That would have to be part of an overall outfield overhaul. If a Delmon Young/ Jason Kubel combo is in left field and Mauer in right, the Twins would have to expect significant defensive improvement from Denard Span (unlikely) or get a center fielder who can truly run the outfield and make up for the shortcoming/inexperience in the corner outfield positions.

So we're going to platoon Young and Kubel now?  The more I read this, the more I think it was put together by somebody playing Baseball Stars.  And, again, you lose a big part of the advantage of having Joe Mauer on your team.  Although he's about twice as good as your average starting outfielder, you're still losing out in the end.

*Third base. That's if Danny Valencia isn't nearly as good over time as his excellent half-season. If Valencia levels off to a .275 hitter with a .325 OBP and 12 to 15 home runs, is that good enough for the future?

Yeah, third base is pretty simple to learn.  I hear that's why that wanker Brooks Robinson played there.


Of those three options, I hope I'm wrong about No. 1 and that Valencia answers No. 3 with continued solid play. That leaves No. 2 as the most likely outcome, and will require some additional moves to go with it.

Tough choices, but that's the price of the confluence of success and questions that are the story of the Twins today.

If the Twins go with any of these options I'm going to pack up shop and move my allegiances to a less retarded team.  Like the Pirates.  Or Gopher football.

I want to see Mauer batting third and playing regularly when he's 40.

I want a PS3 and a full night of sleep.  Also, who bats third when they're 40 outside of Barry Bonds?  Or is this whole thing just an elaborate scheme to try to convince Mauer to get on the roids?

I want to see his 3,000th hit ... and his 3,500th hit.

I want a lap dance from Allison Brie.......and Katy Perry (but she's not allowed to talk or sing).

I want to see Mauer in the second car (behind the manager) in a World Series parade or three over the next few years.

I want my very own dinosaur, the alchemical formula for turning lead into gold, and the complete cast of Mad Men to come over and sing me the complete works of Neil Diamond while Salma Hayek jumps on a trampoline.

I want the Twins to figure out the Mauer issue as they figure out the other puzzle pieces they need to transcend the divide from winners of a weak division to World Series contender.

I want Alan Rickman to follow me around all day, in character as Professor Snape, and say Snape-like things in his awesome Snape voice.  ("I can teach you how to bottle spreadsheets, brew data analysis, even stopper killer powerpoint presentations")

I want, I want, I want.

Gimme gimme gimme....I need....I need!


But I'm not wanting anything unreasonable.

Maybe not unreasonable.  Nonsensical, knee-jerk, and reactionary with a nice bit of panic thrown in, but not at all unreasonable.

Bert gets Hosed

As I am sure you are aware of by now, Bert Blyleven once again was denied entry to the Baseball Hall of Fame, this time by a mere five votes (I heard it was six somewhere else but I'll roll with five because that sounds more dramatic).  I am still not sure why there are people not voting for him, but I'm pretty sure it's because sportswriters are idiots.  (Exhibit B would be Roberto Alomar not getting in, simply because he "isn't first ballot material" which is the dumbest shit I've ever heard.)  It's clearly because they are hung up on him not having 300 wins and/or not winning a Cy Young award.  Ok, fine.  Dumb, nonsensical, but fine.  You're an idiot.

There are also a lot of people voting for Jack Morris, who got 52% of the vote.  I also disagree with this, but whatever, you people are entitled to your own opinion even if it's stupid.  But what really boggles the mind is the people who are voting for Morris over Blyleven.  "What?", you are probably saying, "No way did anybody vote for Black Jack over Bert."  Oh but it's true.  I have proof.  Here is the ballot submitted by the ESPN writers.  Notice anything?  Buster Olney, who I thought was a pretty smart guy, voted for Morris but not for Blyleven.  At least the other three guys who didn't vote for Bert had the common decency to leave Morris off as well.  I just don't get it.

WINS:  Blyleven 287, Morris 254
ERA:  Blyleven 3.31, Morris 3.90
ERA+:  Blyleven 118, Morris 105
WHIP:  Blyleven 1.20, Morris 1.30
Strikeouts:  Blyleven 3,701, Morris 2,478
K/9:  Blyleven 6.7, Morris 5.8
K/BB:  Blyleven 2.8, Morris 1.8
Shutouts:  Blyleven 60, Morris 28
Complete Games:  Blyleven 242, Morris 175
Winning Pct:  Blyleven .534, Morris .577
Cy Young top 3 finishes:  Blyleven 2, Morris 2
Cy Young top 10 finishes:  Blyleven 4, Morris 7

I will grant that Morris's seven top-10 finishes in the Cy Young voting is impressive, but outside of that for what reason could you possibly think Morris is a more worthy candidate than Blyleven, leaving aside whether Morris is worthy or not in the first place?  He won three wings, Bert won two - that's a function of playing on better teams, as is the winning percentage and actually many of the Cy Young top 10s as well, since four of the seven times he finished that high in the voting he wasn't even in the top 10 of the American League in ERA.


Yes, the game 7 of the 1991 Series performance was still one of the greatest things I've had the pleasure of watching, and I will always love Black Jack for it and won't complain if he gets in, even though I don't think he should.  But to vote for him over Bert because he started a bunch of opening days in a row and had the most wins in an arbitrary 10-year period (and make no mistake, despite our base-10 obsessed culture a decade is still an arbitrary span of years) is ludicrous.


How could you Buster Olney?  You broke my heart.

 

World Series Game 5 Live Blog

It could be the last game of the baseball season, so I might as well Live Blog this crap, right?  Plus we'll see if my man-crush on Cliff Lee grows, or just disappears like a john, with nothing more than a crisp new fifty on the night stand and a slight burning sensation during urination.  We're picking this game up in the top of the second after finally getting Wonderbaby^TM ready for bed.  She's a bit wound up after her first day of pre-pre-school today, and I'm a bit concerned because the majority of her classmates look like Sloth from the Goonies.  On to the show.....

-  It's 3-1 Phillies thanks to Chase Utley continuing to be a P.I.M.P.  And I turned it on just in time to hear McCarver say, "American League batters are used to Mariano Rivera breaking bats, but not many of them know about Cliff Lee........even though he was with the Indianas............Lee's a different pitcher with Philadelphia."  Dude.  Just stop.  It makes me glad I've been watching most of this with no sound - which I'll be doing again shortly once Mrs. W gets back from putting the baby down.

-  Speaking of Lee and pitching game five, I think he should have been moved up and pitched last night, but this yahoo article is quite harsh and mostly retarded (like Dawger).  I hardly think that decision "blew the world series" or that Charlie Manuel is like Forrest Gump and "stupid is as stupid does."  He also calls Cliff Lee "not an ace" because he didn't demand the ball for game 4.  I'm seriously stumped.  I didn't like it at the time, but I'm thinking that it was actually a good decision by Manuel.  Think about it - Blanton pitched well enough for the Phillies to win, Lidge blew the game.  If they can steal a win with Blanton going against Sabathia, suddenly the Phillies are in the driver's seat, and they damn near did it, again, if it wasn't for Lidge - not Blanton and not Manuel.  I'm willing to bet Passan had this article typed up before even the first pitch of Sunday night's game, and when the Phils lost he just hit send on his little mac-book.  It's not even surprising, that seems to be the standard for journalism these days.  Except me.  I'm really good.

-   Boy has Texeira been brutal.  Another weak grounder with a runner on base, and he's now at .062 for the series.  And yet since the Yankees will win, nobody will say a word.  This is so unfair to A-Rod. 

-  There is way too much being made of Damon stealing third after stealing second on the same play.  Yes, it was totally heads up and a great, smart, alert play - no doubt.  But also let's try to remember that A-Rod doubled two batters later - Damon is scoring from any base.  I'm just thankful Jeter isn't the one who made that play, can you imagine?  It would make the Madden/Favre love fest look like Twilight.  Because it's a chastity parable.  Shut up.  No, you're gay.

-  Utley walks and steals second - any chance we can get a losing player winning the World Series MVP?  I don't think it's ever happened, right?  I know some defensive guy from the Cowboys won the Super Bowl MVP even though the Cowboys lost back in the 70s, but I don't think it's happened in baseball.  Of course, seeing as how Jeter is on the Yankees and everyone loves him more than life itself, he'll get it for hitting .360 with no runs batted in and just two extra-base hits.  What a joke.  God I hate you Derek Jeter.  You know that scene is Se7en, where Kevin Spacey ties that guy to the bed and like cuts his hand off and somehow tortures him but keeps him alive for like a year?  What?  I'm just asking if you remember that scene, I ain't sayin' nothin'.

-  The NL's Jason Kubel knocks in Utley.  Burnett getting rocked.  And trust me, A.J. Burnett doens't have the mental capacity to recover when he's getting smoked.  Might as well pack up and head to New York, folks, this one's over.

-  Ibanez knocks in another one, and that'll do it for fragile little A.J.  We're going to David Robertson here folks, although if I'm Girardi I call this one over and go to Mitre or Gaudin.

-  Wow, base hit for Cliff Lee.  We're at 6-1 here, and Rollins can break this baby wide open.  Well, wide opener.

-  Strikes out like a jerk.

-  Link to Blue Ribbon's preview of Gopher basketball.  It points out something I had either forgotten or never knew:  The Gophers had more turnovers than assists last year.  Ouch.  Damian Johnson, Al Nolen, and Kevin Payton were the only ones with more assists than TOs, and Westbrook (1/1.5), Iverson (1/2.2), and Busch (1/2.l) were absolute killers.  Let's go ahead and put that as priority #1 for next season, shall we?  Also note that with rounding, future Big Ten P.O.Y. Ralph Sampson was one of only four players with a 1-to-1 ratio or better (and, of course, the preview doesn't fail to compare him to his "Heroin Satan" father - god that must get old).

-  FYI, Colbie Smulders recently had a baby, and she has lost the baby weight, but she hasn't lost it from everywhere, if you know what I'm saying.  (NOTE:  I'm talking about her boobs.)  This is her, if you are unaware:

Now imagine that with some C+ cups.

-  Derek Jeter got a hit.  MVP!  MVP!  MVP!  MVP!

-  Don't worry, nothing came of it.  And a great catch in left-center by Brett Gardner.  He's 10 times the fielder Melky is, too bad he can't hit for shit.  Sounds an awful lot like Carlos Gomez, no?

-  Iowa is ranked #4 in the latest BCS.  Serious question, how many other top 10 teams do you think Iowa would beat more often than not?  Florida?  Texas?  Alabama?  Boise?  Georgia Tech?  Cincy?  TCU?  I'm not sure there's a single team here they are bettre than..

-  Ok, actually they got a run somewhere back there, and it's now 6-2.  I would have known that, but I have become a bit distracted by facebook, and everybody trying to sound cool and ignore the fact that I was part of a group interview of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird today.  You are all jerks.

-  Oh, yeah.  So I was part of a conference call of a bunch of writers who got to do a group interview of Magic and Larry today.  Of course, it was only an hour and there were people from like, ESPN and The Sporting News and USA Today, etc., so I didn't get a chance to actually ask a question since I'm pretty sure I'd be the Pittsburgh Pirates of the invitees, but it was still cool.

- Cliffy keeps rolling along, now through seven with just the two runs allowed.  It certainly wouldn't hurt for the Phillies to pick up a couple of more runs here. 

-  This probably deserves it's own post, but here is a report on Corey Joseph's reaction to his official visit on Saturday.  Sounds good, folks, sounds really good.  In particular pay attention to the first two comments below the article - very insightful.

-  Utley just destroys a pitch down the line, but foul.  Dude, that guy is so dialed in right now it's ridiculous.

-  And the very next pitch he goes yard.  Again.  This guy is a second basemen, it just isn't right.  That's five in this series, which I think is some kind of record.  And we could have two more games.  I'm actually kind of starting to believe the Phillies can come back and win this - delirious, I know.

-  Ibanez goes yard.  This Phil Coke guy sucks.  Let me remind you all that Pedro's career postseason WHIP = 1.07.  Bring it Yanks, because I feel a career defining Pedro performance on Wednesday.  Yes, another one.

-  Cliffy gives up three straight hits, including a double that probably should have been caught but Ibanez is 100 years old to A-Rod and it's 8-4, and we get Chan Ho Park for like the 10th time this series.  Confidence = ug.

-  Park gets three straight guys out, but another run comes in when Ben Francisco - in at CF for the Flyin' Hawaiian who may or may not have injured his hand after taking a Burnett fastball off it - totally lolligags the throw to home and A-Rod tags up from third.  Really a very good, smart play.  He did the bluff-type thing, saw Francisco kind of wasn't really trying, and then just kept going and beat the throw.  Good play.  8-5 Phils, but the Yanks will get one more crack at it.

-  T-Wolves down 25-23 in the first.  I benched Kaman on my fantasy basketball team tonight and put in Ryan Anderson because I need more three-pointers.  Kaman has 8 points and 6 boards already.  Why the hell would I bench a center against the Wolves?  Dumb.  And speaking of fantasy, I now have the details on my fantasy college basketball league.  I'll be posting those sometime this week. 

-  Oh yeah, my fantasy basketball (NBA) team includes LeBron, Dwight Howard, Andrew Bynum, Joe Johnson, and Derrick Rose.  Yeah, I'm dominant.  Also when I just looked up my roster right there I realized that Kaman is still starting until tomorrow, so disregard all that "I'm dumb" talk.  Plus, you should have tried to make me feel better and you didn't.  Why are your feelings the only ones that matter?

-  8-5 still, but Madson gives up a lead-off double to Posada.  Seeing as how you not only can't trust Lidge, but he's probably not available anyway, I'd assume this is Madson's show.  If he sucks and they end up bringing in Brett Myers at any point, we might as well just engrave the trophy for the Yanks right then and there.

-  I just saw Danielle Harris's boobs.  God bless you free Showtime preview.

-  Base hit for Matsui.  If I used swear words on this blog, this would be the part where I would type fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

-  Jeter grounds into a double play.  Ha ha, way to be a True Yankee, Jeter.  Awesome.

-  Damon base hit.  A Tex home run here ties the game.  Awesome.  Nice bullpen Philadelphia.

-  Nevermind, he strikes him out proving that there is at least one person on this planet with the last name Madson who you can trust, and we're going back to New York where the Yankees will almost certainly win it.  But I really hope not.