What's a Gatoroid? (Movie Blog)

Seriously, what is a Gatoroid?  I have no idea, but it's about to battle a Mega Python in this movie I'm about to watch appropriately named "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid."  Bonus:  this one stars both Debbie Gibson, star of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Tiffany, star of Mega Piranha.  Oh joyful day!  Let's rock and roll.

-  One concern:  this movie was both written and directed by women.  Now don't get me wrong, I love the ladies - they really rev my engine, but should they really be involved in these kinds of movies?  These movies should be about bad science, bloody deaths, and gratuitous T & A, and women are only generally associated with bad science because their brains are smaller than men's.  I'm skeptical.  Plus I heard that their periods attract bears.

-  Oh, you probably want to know what was for dinner tonight.  Pork chops poached in a ketchup/worchestershire/chili powder/lemon/onion bath along with some spanish rice.  Nothing complicated, but very delicious.  Thanks for the recipe Grandma June.

-   We open - where else - in the Florida everglades, complete with swamp, fanboats, gators, snakes, cajun rednecks, and every other Florida cliche you can think of.  Great.

-  Apparently Debbie Gibson is the leader of a group that breaks into, what appears to be a cabin of some sort, and steals snakes from their cages.  If she really wants a snake I'd be happy to give her one.  It's in my pants.

-  Well they tripped an alarm but luckily she is such an incredible driver she was somehow able to maneuver her crappy jeep in a way that made the one cop car that responded to the alarm flip over and explode. 

-  Going back to Miz Writer and looking at her writing credits she's previously written Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (gonna have to rent this), #1 Cheerleader Camp, 18-year old Virgin, 2012 Doomsday, and Barely Legal.  I have no idea if those are any good, but the titles sound good.  Maybe we're going to be ok here.

-  So they took the snakes they stole and dumped them in the swamp.  No doubt that won't end up wrecking things.  By the way, guess who had Shackelford at both 12-1 to win and 5-1 to win, place, or show at the Preakness today?  If you could see me right now you would see that I'm doing a happy dance, waving my hands in the air while jumping from foot to foot.  It's pretty white, but it conveys my happiness well enough.

-  Debbie Gibson then will be playing the crazy animal lover, while Tiffany, who just showed up will be playing her arch enemy the sheriff with giant boobs.  Seriously, those things are massive.

-  God dammit some redneck cajun hippy just stole my "I'll show you a snake, it's in my pants" joke.  Assholes.

-  This redneck is played by Bob Vance.  Jarring.

-  Some 200 foot python or something ridiculous like that just killed the hell out of a big ole gator.  And Tiffani informs us that's the 72nd dead Gator, which means the pythons Debbie Gibson, who is supposed to be a scientist who cares about the environment and eco-system remember, released into the wild are now completely fucking up the swamp's ecosystem.  Nice, Debbie, nice.  So this is going to end up being animal lover touchy-feely chick with a great ass Debbie vs. shoot the animals and kill them don't fuck with my swamp chick with big boobs Tiffany.  Too close to call.  I just want to know when the gatoroid comes in.  And also what it is.

-  Tiffani's boyfriend runs over a snake in order to save Debbie who then gives me a big yelly speech about how these snakes shouldn't be killed because she "returned them back to their natural habitat where they belong."  But guess what?  Florida isn't a natural habitat for any pythons.  In fact, Florida is actually having problems with invasive python species wrecking the habitat right now.  Something Tiffany just mentioned.  So, in a bit of a surprise, this isn't an example of more poor science it's actually just that Debbie's character is super super dumb.  How odd.

-  Now one of the snakes just killed a people.  A people1!!!!!!!1  Damn you Debbie Gibson! [shaking fist].

-  Tiffany's plan to deal with the snakes is to issue snake hunting permits to a bunch of drunken cajun rednecks, including Bob Vance, with assault rifles.  What could possibly go wrong?

-  I'm not going to lie to you - this is the most boring movie ever.  We are 24 minutes in and we've had one person death which took less than 5 seconds.  Mainly it's been snakes killing dogs or gators or other various wildlife.  If I wanted to see that I'd just watch Nat Geo.

-  If you shoot a giant python egg does it explode in a shower of cascading blood?  According to this movie:  yes.

-  This assistant deputy in this movie looks just like my friend Leif, who looks just like Jesse McCartney.

-  Well hell.  The Snake just growled.  This is just like every single shark movie where the shark roars.  Why do shitty directors of shitty animal movies feel the need to add sound effects to the creatures?  They're menacing enough, and their silence is even part of it.  Did the shark roar in Jaws?  No, not until the fourth one, and everybody knows how shitty the fourth one was.  Freakin' morons.  I need to write one of these.

-  The snakes are at least killing people now, even if it's poorly CGI'd crap.  Even better, they decapitated a guy.  As in severed his head at the neck bone.  Constrictor snakes, which kill by - appropriately enough - by constricting their prey decapitated someone.  They could have the snakes grow arms and use a scimitar and it would be as realistic.  Not to mention that these snakes are suddenly showing a strong preference for human flesh which also makes just a ton of sense.  Seriously they're picking off these cajuns left and right.  Team Boobs is losing numbers rapidly.

-  This wine is terrible.

-  Here's what Debbie Gibson looks like now in case you were wondering

A better picture would be one from the back, but I can't find one so deal.

-  The snake went after Leif and Tiffany knifed it to death.  While knifing it a cell phone fell out of it's skin.  I don't get it either.  I'm just typing here, man, don't ask me to explain it.

-  I still don't understand what's going on with this "gatoroid" thing.  There's no gatoroid at all.  The only gators have been snake food so far.  They could have called this Mega Python and it would have been a much better name.  Or gone with "Two former teen pop stars who have been in Playboy looking for another check."  Or even "Tits vs. Ass."  Any of those would have been more accurate.

-  That is really not a regulation cop uniform Tiffany is wearing.  It looks like a sheriff outfit, but it's unbuttoned to the waist and she's got some low cut undershirt going on.  Not complaining, mind you, but it's definitely not regulation.

-  Team Ass is now installing cameras all throughout the everglades in order to watch everything Tiffany does and see if she "hurts their snakes."  Hopefully they make sure to get a camera in her shower.  "I think I'm alone now" indeed.

-  Here's Team Boobs' plan to deal with the snakes:  feed a bunch of super steroids to a bunch of gators to create super gators, or the titular "gatoroids", which of course will end up growing too big and too strong and turning on their creators.  I feel like the foresight of the characters in this flick is sorely lacking.  First Team Ass releases pythons into the wilds of the Florida Evergaldes in order to "return them to nature" not thinking through the consequences or releasing these top of the food chain predators into a new habitat that can't support them (come to think of it, there's not real Mega-Python here - but I'll guess it's coming).  Now they go with the classic "feed steroids to a gator" gambit, popularized by Ulysses S. Grant in aught eight, with no regard for the fact that even if it works and the gators kill all the pythons they still have a bunch of roided up gators to deal with.  This is what happens when you let women be in charge.

-  This picture comes up when you search for "steroids gator" in google:

I don't know who that is but it made me laugh.  Cheaters.

-  Tiffany's crying.  No I don't know what happened.  Stop asking stupid questions.

-  It's been one day and suddenly these gators are just monstrous.  One day.  And know we are getting a montage of gators growing, cells multiplying, snakes eating, other microscopic things happening that I'm guessing actually have nothing to do with what steroids would do to reptiles, and it's all set to the same song melody as "There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance."  I shit you not.  The summary here is that the gators are getting huge and aggressive because of the roids and the snakes are getting bigger and more aggressive because they are eating gator eggs that have been laid by roided out gators.  Again, it's been one day.

-  I stopped the movie for a minute to check in on the basketball game and now I'm wondering whatever happened to Josh Howard?  He was always a really underrated player until he became so underrated he was overrated, but he was always pretty good.  Let me look this up.  Ok, they traded him in a package of guys that netted them Brendan Haywood, Caron Butler, and DeShawn Stevenson.  And it looks like since he was traded he played 3 games for the Wizards in 2009-2010 and 18 games in 2010-2011 due to injury and massive pot usage.  Looks like Dallas dumped him at the right time even if the center piece of their return, Butler, has only played 56 games the last two years.

-  The everglades are now entirely populated with giant mega pythons and giant gatoroids, yet this crisis is being handled by a big-boobed washed up pop star ranger, my friend Leif, a female deputy who is like 100, Dr. Nick Rivera (or some other mexican doctor guy, but we'll go with Nick Rivera), and some hot chick.  Seems like they can handle this crisis.  And is there a really important fundraiser tonight?  They kind of fundraiser that will be highly attended?  Of course.

-  Giant gator just ate some chinese chick from team ass.  Probably gonna be hungry again in about an hour.

-  That was a terribly predictable joke.  But so's your face.

-  How the hell is there still an hour and 10 minutes of this left?  I'm probably going to have to kill myself.

-  This is totally going to shock you, but neither Tiffany nor Debbie is a very good actress.  Hard to believe I know.  Also hard to believe:  I'd totally have sex with either of them.  Sober.

-  Dr. Nick just saved Debbie from a 300-foot gator by picking her up in his helicopter which he apparently has.  He also saved her by grabbing her and flying away, leaving some jackass who was with her to get eaten by that gator.  I'd claim he was irresponsible and a bad doctor, but I would have done the same thing.  Easier to sleep with her that way.  Get her all emotionally vulnerable rather than having some cockblocking jackass in the helicopter with you and your target.  It's really pick-up artist 101.

-  I like how rednecks always have dynamite with them to blow a snake to bits even after they've been eaten by said snake.  Classic Hollywood.

-  Oh my god those boobs.  Oh my god.  Also I am pretty sure that one dude from the Monkeys just showed up in this movie.  With an actual monkey.  I can't decide if this is totally lame or totally awesomely self-aware.  Probably the first.

-  Guess what I just ordered from a used DVD broker?  Red Water, Shark Swarm, Grizzly Rage, Blue Demon, and Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.  You're god damn right I did.  I can't wait to watch Red Water again.  Kristy Swanson?  Lou Diamond Phillips?  Coolio?  The only movie ever about a bull shark?  Fuck yeah.

-  And the fundraiser must go on.  Just like Jaws and every single giant creature movie since then.  So cliched.  I think the next one of these movies should be called Mega Shark vs. Giant Boobs.  Tiffany stars.

-  No, you have a one track mind.

-  Dr. Nick keeps finding and blowing up giant nests of giant gator eggs.  Once again, it's been one day.

-  They just referred to Dr. Nick as "that Indian doctor."  Now I feel racist.  More so than usual, I mean.

-  Naturally Debbie Gibson is invited to the big fundraiser.  Every time they show her from behind all I can think is I wonder if her father was a baker, because that's a nice set of buns.

-  If you're getting the impression that this movie was written basically as a showcase for Tiffany's boobs and Debbie's ass you're completely accurate.  And yes, I'm complaining.  I want the showcase to be giant animals killing people who are stupid with a side dish of T & A.  Not the main point to be T & A.

-  That's a lie.  I would be very happy if the whole point of the movie was T & A.  Just not Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  I mean, the nostalgia factor on these two is great, and although I applaud their efforts with my penis it's really kind of meh.  More killing please.

-  Oh my god I take it all back.  Debbie Gibson/Tiffany cat fight.  CAT FIGHT!  Wrestling.  Grabbing.  Groping.  Slapping.  Hair-pulling.  I need a minute.

- 

-  I bet they made out after that in one of their trailers.  Also this movie just lost all credibility.  And yes, going from a 1 to a 0 still means you lost all credibility.

-  Oh my god now their in the water and Debbie Gibson is wearing a white dress.  I feel like I'm 15 again.

-  Well apparently the snakes and gators have teamed up.  That makes total sense.  Jesus this is really stupid.

-  Every time Debbie Gibson throws a punch (yes, they're still fighting) she then has to pull up the top of her dress.  Seriously, Debbie, you already let those puppies free in a magazine, just do it again for this movie.  It's like the same thing.  Prude.

-  Debbie "I think we're alone now."  Tiffany "There doesn't seem to be anyone around."  No lie.  Credibility now -1.  I'm actually pretty pissed at this move.  Despite my love of Tiffany's boobs and Debbie's Ass and Tiffany's boobs this is really freaking stupid.  Instead of making a monster movie with former popstars this is a former popstars movie with a few creatures in it.  When did monster movies stop being about the monsters?  Fucking sell-outs.

-  Fun fact:  if you shoot a 60-foot gator in the mouth it immediately dies.  Less fun fact:  this movie makes me want to stab my brain with a rusty pitchfork.

-  Shocking shocker of shocking writing:  Tiffany and Debbie have now teamed up to kill the rogue monster reptiles.  In a telling moment of female behavior everywhere, neither has apologized or even acknowledged their role in this mess.  Next thing you know they'll be blaming the men and then telling them to take out the trash.  Is this post misogynistic enough for you?  Jesus I feel like

-  If you could switch lives with anyone in the world, how many people would you pick over Justin Timberlake?  Can't be many.  And, understanding the whole natural draw of sports to the readers of this blog, what about non-sports people?  He has to be #1.  Handsome, talented, funny, hot, incredible dancer, great singer, sexy as hell, adorable, charismatic, and just the kind of guy who even though you know he's humping everything in town you still want him to date your daughter.  Just perfect.

-  Oh my god there's a movie coming out with Timberlake and Mila Kunis.  World's most perfect couple and my dream threesome (not counting Evan Longoria).  And yes, to answer your question we are watching Saturday Night Live now.  Thanks for asking.

-  Well, I got a boner.

-  Well now the girls (Tiff and Debbie) won't stop talking.  First realistic thing in this whole movie.

-  The gators and snakes, by the way, have now moved into the city and are migrating to Miami according to Dr. Nick.  Why are they on their way to Miami?  I don't have a clue.  Either they didn't explain it or I wasn't paying attention.  Maybe both.  Also I should mention that all the reptiles are now the size of a house due to the steroids in their systems.  It's been one day.

-  Too bad Bonds didn't take this brand of steroid.  His whole body would swell up like Ken Griffey Jr.'s head after too much of Burns's nerve tonic.

-  The aurora borealis?  At this time of year?  At this time of day?  In this part of the country?  Localized entirely in your kitchen?

-  Snake just ate the Goodyear blimp.  So yeah.  That should do it.

-  New plan.  Use "pheremones - first we've heard of these - to lure the reptiles all to "the quarry" and then blow them up with dynamite.  God this movie is stupid.  And now these broads are screaming because soem old lady deputy became snake lunch.  And they're shrill and hurty.  I thought they were singers.  Shouldn't their screams not make my head break?

-  They have a grand total of 3 bundles of dynamite.  I'm no demolitions expert, but it seems to me that you'd want more to blow up a whole shit ton of snakes and gators that are now the size of Rhode Island. 

-  So in the Everglades snakes and gators are natural enemies who can't stop killing each other.  In the city, however, they're buddies who team up to eat buildings.  This movie can go to hell.

-  I just remembered I have beef jerky in the kitchen.  Score!

-  Commercial just came on for adamandeve.com.  I just want to warn you that if you ever order anything from them be prepared to get like three emails and a day every day for the rest of your life.  And if you aren't familiar with them you probably shouldn't go visit that site from your work computer.  Or go ahead and do it, I don't really care.

-  Debbie was just putting dynamite in the cave with the gator eggs when they began to hatch.  Then the mommy gator came in through the front door so she's trapped between the mom and the kids with no where to go and a with only a handgun to protect her.  She managed to not get eaten though by hiding behind a rock.  Go to hell, movie.

-  Serious question:  what do you think Delmon Young's IQ is?  Like, I think both Denard Span and Alexi Casilla are stupid ballplayers, but they don't strike me as guys who would be particularly dumb in real life.  Delmon, on the other hand?  90 tops, but it wouldn't shock me if he came in slightly under 80.

-  Tiffany just blew up that gator that was menacing Debbie by turning her car into a rolling molotav cocktail and jumping out as it got to the gator and then the car exploded as soon as it touched the gator for some reason.  I don't know.  I don't ask questions.  On a related note, Tiffany is wearing black underwear.

-  Wow, Tiffany got eaten by a gator.  Definitely didn't see that coming.

-  Dr. Nick and Ms. Gibson blew up all the animals.  Well, except for the one snake that just ate the crap out of Debbie Gibson.  So I guess Dr. Nick is the hero here.  Just like most Simpsons episodes, whether he appears in them or not.

-  Movie over.  Here's what I learned:  Tiffany has ridiculous boobs, snakes and gators are natural enemies in the swamp but friends in the city, SyFy is getting even worse with the movies they're churning out, and I'm a complete idiot for watching this crap.

Then again, who's dumber:  me for watching, or you for actually reading this?