Bloody Awful Blood Surf (Live Movie Blog)

So here's the scoop. Mrs. W went to Dr. Acula's wife's birthday party (we couldn't find a baby sitter so I'm at home watching the kid) and had a shot or two and is now staying over at their house. So I'm here all alone, and unsure what to do with myself. I know you are all used to me live blogging while I watch Shark movies, and I think we can all enjoy that, but from time to time, a guy has to branch out a bit. Take in some new culture, new types of entertainment, and experience new things. In that light, I thought I would take a step away from the usual shark movie, and bring you something completely different.

I present, "Blood Surf", a movie about a giant crocodile. Your summary via DirectTV "A monstrous saltwater crocodile terrorizes a group of documentary filmmakers in Australia." Sounds good. And possibly somewhat realistic. No mutants. No prehistoric creatures come back to life. No revenge (I hope). Call me cautiously optimistic. I know, I know, two live movie blogs in one weekend? I must be in heaven.

- This was directed by someone named James D.R. Hickox. Tell me that doesn't sound like a director of more, um, adult, entertainment.

- We start out with a close up of an eyeball, and then cut to an Asian in some water, and back to the eye, and back to a different asian, and back to the eye, and so on, getting faster and faster and faster until the tension is so thick I feel like I could puke. It starts moving too fast to really tell what's going on, but I saw some teeth and some bloody water (or Blood Surf, if you will) at one point. I have a feeling this one is going for "artsy-fartsy." That always works when your antagonist is a giant crocodile.

- Now there's a bunch of stoner/surfer types in a float plane above some kind of tropical paradise. They are using words like gnarly and shredding. I really hope they crash and get eaten, and that this isn't our intro to our main characters. Cautious optimism waning.

- One of the stoners, who I am starting to suspiciously suspect are our main characters, references the movie Jaws. I take it as a good sign that the writer of this crap has at least heard of that movie.

- Oh man, I just got the main plot point of the movie, and I can't decided if it's awesome or stupid. These stoners are going to chum the water to attract sharks, and then go surfing in shark infested waters. And they are going to call it, "Blood Surfing." Wow. Since this is a crocodile movie, I'm guessing a croc shows up and ruins the fun. Which makes no real sense, because what could one crocodile do that a whole mess of sharks couldn't? God damn it why do I always try to rationalize these stupid movies? Why do I even expect anything to make sense? Why do I even watch them? I'm an idiot, aren't I?

- I was rewatching Mean Girls the other day (still one of the best movies of the 2000s) and holy cow the amount of talent in that movie was sick. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, and Lacey Chabert? Holy wow. Plus Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And one of the best written movies in a long time! Just a great flick. Add in the janitor from Scrubs and that movie had it all. This movie doesn't.

- Jesus we're only 3 minutes into this movie. The opening credits are still rolling. This is going to be the longest movie blog ever. Rock on.

- NBA draft early entrants have to make their decisions by Monday, and there are still a few interesting fellas who I feel I should comment on.
AUSTIN DAYE, GONZAGA: Probably a mid-first, but doesn't have a guarantee of first round. I really hope he stays another year in college, because he is absolutely one of my favorite players. Reminds me a ton of Keith Van Horn, but blacker.
PATRICK MILLS, ST MARYS: This guy is a big one because I read the Wolves have a lot of interest in him, and I'd love to see him on the team. I don't really see how he can improve his stock much, so this year would be the time to go.
GREIVIS VASQUEZ, MARYLAND: Snacks loves this commie, and he is a very solid all-around player. It appears he isn't likely to go first round, so he should probably stay in school, but he has a lot of skills and honestly I think could be a Manu Ginobli type. I hope he stays in the draft and the Wolves get him late.
JODIE MEEKS, KENTUCKY: Big time scorer, and yet not projected to go until round two. I don't really know what else he could do to improve his stock unless he goes to John Stockton camp and learns how to really handle the ball. Might as well stick around and help his legacy at Kentucky so he can become an assistant coach some day. He's not an NBA player.
LUKE HARANGODY, NOTRE DAME: Not a first round pick, but apparently he might be ok with that. I don't see him hitting the first round at all. He's Michael Madsen, who I once played in a softball tournament against - very spastic there too.
There are plenty of others, but I'm tired. Plus I'm super excited to see what happens with this movie.

- They just showed some jackass surfing with an angle from below, and guess what? Yep he looked just like a seal. Seriously, why even add the chum in the water when surfing is already the most dangerous thing in the world? You're basically playing russian roulette already, but now they want to add chum? It's like playing russian roulette with a bazooka. This movie is already irritating. I need another drink.

- The main chick in this movie looks like Molly Sims, so that's what we are going to call here.

- The two main surfer dudes are super homo-erotic. Think Iceman/Maverick levels of sexual tension going on here. Even though one of them just hit on Molly Sims. That doesn't prove anything. Maverick hit on Kelly McGillis, and it turned out she was a man.

- They just hired this movie's version of Quint to take the boat out and chum the waters and all that about the Blood Surf or what not. Except he reufsed to do it, saying he would be "an accessory to murder." His girlfriend is this movies version of "super hot chick in a 95% see-thru tank top and no bra" - who is now shakin' that thang in the middle of the bar for no discernible reason. It's kind of like in Roadhouse how when that one hot blonde girl does a striptease in the middle of Dalton's bar for no good reason. Man did I rewind that part a lot. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, for some reason her dancing in the middle of the bar convinced her husband, Quint, to agree to take the surfer guys out to the sharks. Makes total sense.

- I just looked this movie up on IMDB, and it's original name was "Krocodylus." That is the most awesomest name ever. Why would they change it.

- By the way, if you google "Shane Schilling drunk" now, we are the first AND second link. Awesome.

- So we have Quint, Quint's girlfriend, hot foreign chick, some asian chick, a more annoying Matthew Lillard-type with spiked hair, Molly Sims, an old asian dude, a pretty boy, and the mastermind who looks a lot like DJ Tanner's boyfriend all on the boat going to the "lagoon" where all the sharks are (and apparently Krocodylus). Got it?

- Asian chick and asian dude just did a prayer circle to protect the surfers. I bet it doesn't work.

- Well, their chum has fish parts in it. They're already a big step ahead of Megalodon.

- The sharks showed (still no Krocodylus, unfortunately) and it was pretty underwhelming. Jazzy music, hyper fast effects including sharks moving way too fast accompanied by "whooshing" sound effects, and shots of great whites, blue sharks, and bull sharks (and what I think was a tuna). Oh they tried to make it dramatic by having the camerawoman (wearing chain mail so pretty much 100% safe) get surrounding in about ten feet of water, but it didn't work. Twenty-nine minutes in and nobody has bothered to die yet. Lame. Man I really wish I could have a bunch of drinks, but seeing as I'm the only adult here, I'm going to have to limit myself.

- Ok, message received. A shark just got kilt, but all we saw was a fountain of blood and then some bubbling blood in the water. Krocodylus? Or Shark-exploding AIDS?

- Did I ever tell you that Wonderbaby^TM can recognize a shark, and say the word? Whether it's on TV, a real picture, a stuffed animal, or a drawing in one of her books, she see's it and she says, "Shark." Seriously, she knows like, 15 words and one of them is shark. That's so awesome.

- So right now more-annoying version of Matthew Lillard is banging Foreign chick, and DJ Tanner's boyfriend and Molly Sims are going at it too while Pretty Boy Surfer is out on the water by himself. Sounds like a good time for Krocodylus to appear.

- Random asian chick just jumped in the water too, which makes no sense because Asian chick and old asian dude are the ones that are all hyper about their being too many sharks in this area of the lagoon. yet she's all like, I'm going in the water and he's all like ok even though he is the one who was having such a spaz earlier. Once again, really top notch writing here.

- Something bumped the boat, which knocked old asian dude into the water and then there was a blood spurt and I guess he's dead or something. Because crocodiles ram boats all the time. I guess it's contagious and they caught it from all the sharks that are swimming around. I'm still waiting for my first Crocodile roar. That would really make tonight complete.

- And there he is, roar included. He just ate the foreign chick. It's nighttime now though, and nobody has even acknowledged the missing asian dude. It's like the WW2 interment camps all over again.

- Damn, they keep answered all my questions. They just found the arm of the asian dude, and the boat is missing. Well, not so much missing as sunk. The crocodile sank the entire boat. As we all know, crocs hate boats, so it makes sense.

- I have no idea what is going on. The dock is exploding. Not with fire, but exploding nonetheless. Sequentially too. Like, there's a little explosion, moving closer to shore each time, every two seconds or so. I don't get it. I wish this movie was over already. This is by far the worst one yet.

- Oh dear god. Apparently this island is populated by Pirates. Pirates. PIRATES. Most movies would be better with Pirates. That crappy cheerleader movie from last night would have been 10x better if Pirates showed up to raze the cheerleader camp. Think about how much better Forrest Gump would have been if suddenly pirates showed up and destroyed the Bubba Gump boat. What if pirates showed up to F with Frodo and Rudy? Awesome, right? But when you already have sharks and crocodiles, you don't need anything else. What's next, bring in the ninjas?

- Anthony Swarzak grew up a bit today. Even though he had a couple of good starts to start his career, a big knock on him was that he was getting lucky. He was letting a lot of runners on base who were luckily not coming around to score, and he had a 1-1 BB/K ratio, a number that essentially guarantees a pitcher's doom. This bore itself out in his next two starts where he got killed, and honestly things were not looking good for our young friend. Today against the Cubs, helped by Jason "the awesome" Kubel's massive bomb of a home run, Swarzak picked up the win. He stuck around for seven innings, giving up just four hits and one walk while striking out six. Those are some very solid numbers. Based on this last outing, and the movement I see on his fastball, I think he's going to end up being pretty solid.

- Ok, so I'm barely paying attention here, but the Pirates decided they were going to rape Molly Sims since she's the only girl left. Right as he's about to get into it, Krocodylus leaped out of the water and grabbed the potential rapist by the head and took him down for a nice meal. And they were on the second floor of the boat. And the boat had a roof. So it jumped about twenty feet in the air with perfect aim to get it's snout threw the window to grab rapist guy. And our heroes pushed every pirate off the boat in the confusion and started to drive away but then a Pirate shot at the boat and hit the gas tank and now the boat is on fire. Confusing to you? Trust me it's every bit as confusing to me watching it. I don't know if I can get through the rest of this movie.

- That Quint guy just showed up to take the good guys back to the safety of the island. Turns out he wasn't actually with them the whole time. My watching comprehension skills are sorely lacking.

- Ooh, they aren't safe yet. Instead of trying to get everyone to safety, he's trying to attract the salt-water croc because Quint hates them. Turns out he had a cruise with some people, and they all got killed by a croc so, in a huge twist, he's out for revenge instead of the animal (I guess only shark's are in the revenge business). We learn all this info from Quint's girlfriend who is now wearing a slightly different, 80% see thru tank top with no bra.

- IT'S THE SAME CROC!!!!!1111111!!

- Now he's fishing for the Croc with some kind of crazy bobber that looks like the bouncy kickball Wonderbaby^TM likes to kick around the house. Yep, it appears I'm raising a soccer player. Kill me now. Any tips, Snake? Other than hunting squirrels, which I know you love to do.

- Serious question: If you could be a vampire, would you? You'd have to survive on blood, but you could get around the whole killing people bit by eating rats or deer or mexicans. And you'd live forever, and think of all the crappy movies you could watch. I pick yes.

- Fun fact: I was all prepared to comment on how the Croc roars constantly in this movie, but I actually wasn't sure if they do in real life or not (my animal's that don't roar expertise only extends to sharks) and according to this site which ends in .org so it has to be legit, they do. So, you know, there's that then.

- Molly Sims was in the water to film them catching Krocodylus, because they are still trying to make their documentary, and he got off the line and came after her and she escaped by climbing up a ladder and he couldn't get her. Keep in mind this is the same creature that leapt twenty feet through a window to get a rapist. Clearly, crocodiles hate rape and it motivates them to incredible feats of athleticism.

- No worries, he got to eat Matthew Lillard instead, despite him trying to stab his head with a knife and having it make the same sound as banging two cooking pans together. Fun fact: Crocodiles have heads like stainless steel pots.

- This fake Molly Sims has a nice rack (middle):


- Ok, this movie can just die. DJ Tanner's boyfriend saw a surfboard floating on the water and decided he was going to take the surfboard back to safety, even though it's a half day away by boat - you know, with a motor (their boat is grounded or something, I don't know) because apparently that's something someone would actually do in real life. Of course, he "surfs" right into Krocodylus's mouth. As Michelle would say, "How rude." Pretty Boy's reaction, "Well that sucks." I'm going to assume he's talking about this whole movie.

- Krocodylus just ate Quint in pretty much the identical scene from Jaws. Flooded boat, animal's head poking in through into the boat, tries to fight but basically falls into his jaws. If Pretty Boy ends up killing it by shooting an air tank it it's jaws I'm going to be pissed. Actually that would be kind of awesome.

- The Pirates are back. Jesus Christ.

- I found that scene, but it's in like, french or something - which explains a lot.


- So they blew up the great Krocodylus. Or, more accurately, they blew up the rocks around him which fell on his head. Of course, it's still sitting there, not moving or anything but they are sure it's dead because "If that didn't do it, nothing will." Twenty bucks says one of the three people still left dies, and fifty bucks says it's Quint's girlfriend because the other two are romantically involved (Molly Sims jumped on Pretty Boy as soon as DJ's boyfriend died).

- Yep, Quint's girlfriend decides to kick the "dead" croc in the face while shouting "I hate you" over and over again (which sounds like kicking a cooking pot, for some reason) and the croc wakes up and eats her face. Also Pretty Boy keeps calling the chick Sis which confuses me like you wouldn't believe because they were making out pretty hardcore a few minutes ago. What is this, Star Wars?

- It jumped at them and landed on a pointy tree. It is now impaled, as if Vlad Tepes had risen from the grave and orchestrated this himself. Please let this be over.

- They're making out again. WTF?

- Ah ha! Her character name is Cecily. Thus, it's Ces or Cis or something, not Sis. Still weird.

- Thank god it's over. I'm not going to lie, that was seriously the worst movie ever, outside of Jaws 4. I'm now going to cry myself to sleep.

Weekend Review

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Jodie Meeks. I featured Meeks in the section before, right around Christmas time when he dropped 46 and 32 points in back-to-back games, but after this week he gets on here again. He led Kentucky to two huge road wins with 22 points Sunday at Georgia and a Kentucky record 54 in the win at Tennessee, running the Wildcats record in the SEC to 4-0 and showing how you can follow up a huge road win against a big rival by actually winning the next game on the road against a doormat. In the big win over the Vols, Meeks 54 shots came on just 22 attempts, as he hit 15-22 from the field, including 10-15 from three, made all 14 of his free throw attempts, and helped out with 8 rebounds and 4 assists. Wow, 54 points on just 22 shots? Are you paying attention Stephen Curry who scored 28 points in Saturday’s win over Georgia Southern but needed 30 attempts to do so?

2. Wake Forest. The Deacons are starting to truly look like a Final Four kind of team, and their pretty much impossible to ignore after winning two ACC road games this week, over Boston College – the team that knocked off UNC – and at #9 Clemson to move to 16-0, 3-0 in the conference. Wake is a really balanced team, with five guys scoring at least 9 points per game and three guys averaging at least seven rebounds per game, but they are really led by sophomore guard Jeff Teague, who is just 6-2 but plays much bigger. He leads the Deacons in scoring at 21.4 per game, assists at 4.1 and steals with 2.1, and chips in with 4.0 rebounds per game as well. He turns the ball over a little too much (3.7 per game), but makes up for it by shooting over 50% from both two and three. If you get a chance to watch this team, take it. They play lockdown defense, and are very athletic with the ability to score from any where and are about to be ranked #1.

3. Larry Fitzgerald. Remember how I always said that Andre Johnson of the Texans was the best receiver in football? I think I’m maybe changing my mind. Fitzgerald has been an absolute beast in the playoffs, going for 9 catches for 152 yards and three scores yesterday in the Cardinals 32-25 win over the Eagles, sending them to the Super Bowl. That followed up his destruction of the Panthers last week, when he tallied 8 catches for 166 yards and a score. These two games, along with his 6 for 101 in the opening round, give him the all-time record for receiving yards in a single postseason, breaking Jerry Rice’s record. Fitz’s hair might look ridiculous, but he’s pretty much uncoverable right now, and had several big receptions on the Cardinals game-winning drive. He’s no Andre Johnson, but he’s right there with him with size and speed. And he’s a young buc too, not an old man like Steve Smith. Lots of years left to watch.

4. Louisville. I could probably have gone with Terrence Williams here, who has been on fire, but the Cardinals had a great week and look to have things figured out. Not only did they notch the big win over then #1 ranked Pitt, earlier in the week they took out #13 Notre Dame, a struggling Notre Dame (more on that below), but still a win over a highly ranked team that looks good on the resume (and consequently, on the Gopher resume as well). Williams led the team with 20 points (on 7-12 shooting) and 4 assists in the 69-63 win over Pitt (and chipped in with 7 rebounds), which followed up an even more dominating performance over Notre Dame where he put up 24 points, 16 rebounds, 8 assists, and 3 steals. Williams, Clark, and Samuels are a tremendous front court, and as long as the Cardinals' guards play well, they are starting to look like the National Title contender many pegged them as when the season started.

5. Arizona State. Huge, huge win for the Sun Devils this weekend, knocking off #9 UCLA in Pauley Pavilion, a much needed win after dropping a very winnable game at USC on Thursday. No surprise here, but ASU Was led by guard James Harden's 24 points, along with forward Jeff Pendergraph's 18. They are a hell of a tandem, and would make a killer NBA Jam team. Harden, who might have been a lottery pick if he came out last year, is the Pac 10s leading scorer at 22.1 per game, and has already broken 30 points four times. USC managed to hold him down (4 points on 0-8 shooting), but that's a major exception.


WHO SUCKED

1. Gopher basketball. Game thoughts are here and here. If anybody tries to say this week was a success, you should punch them in their stupid face because they are too dumb to live.

2. Notre Dame. You can’t convince me that Notre Dame is a good team, much less that they are the twelfth best team in the nation (which is where they were in the last polls). Everyone is so in love with this team, and you know why? Because they have a big, dopey, hard-working, farm-raised white boy, and there’s nothing Amerikkka likes better than that. Too bad he’s completely overrated. Harangody was destroyed by the Cuse on Saturday, where Arinze Onuaku and Rick Jackson combined to completely dominate him as the Orange rolled 93-74. Oh, you probably won’t get that from any highlight shows, you will point out to you that he had 25 points and 16 rebounds. The 16 rebounds are great, there’s no doubt, but he had to take 28 shots to get those 25 points (9-28), a number even Stephen Curry would be embarrassed about. Meanwhile Jackson had 14 and 10 and Onuaku went for 19 and 7, and combined they only took 22 shots, making 15. You want to talk overall as a team for the Irish? They are now 3-3 in the Big East, and scanning the schedule they have one good win at home over Georgetown, and one over Texas. That’s it. There isn’t a single other good win anywhere. The next best win on here is over freaking Seton Hall, and don’t forget they lost to Ohio State too. They are a pretty good offensive team (6th in offensive efficiency) but awful on defense (167th before giving up 93 points and 55% shooting to the Cuse). I’m sure they’ll make the tournament, but are looking at getting sent home the first time they play an opponent with a decent front court.

3. Clemson. It seems a bit weird to put a previously undefeated team here after losing to another undefeated team, especially the soon to be #1 in the country Wake Forest, but this was, in a way, a must win for Clemson. I know, that seems weird too, since they were 16-0 and ranked #10 at the time, but if you remember last season, the Tigers shot out of the gate with 10 straight wins, and were as good as 12-1 before going into a free fall, finishing up by going just 10-7 in their last 17, barely squeaking into the NCAA tournament where they were run by Villanova. This year’s team has similar questions, as of those 16 wins, not a single one was over a ranked team, and their win over Illinois is the only one that could be considered a “quality” win. With a chance to make a huge statement with a win over Wake, at home, and favored by 2.5 in the game, the Tigers flopped, shooting just 33% and getting beat handily in their own gym, 78-68. It has national commentators and college basketball fans questioning Clemson’s resume, and I have to guess after last year, a whole lot of Tiger fans and maybe even the team themselves.

4. Kansas State. I haven't really followed K-State this season, and why would I? Beasley and Sky Walker are gone to the pros, and although I like their PG Jake Pullen he doesn't exactly pull me into a game. Unfortunately, he hasn't really improved this year, and K State has suffered. I only noticed them because I saw they lost by more than 20 to Nebraska, and when that happens you know something is wrong. The Wildcats are 0-3 in the Big 12, and 11-6 overall with their best win being over Cleveland State, and there's nothing else even close. Looks like the Huggins experiment worked, but when he jumps ship almost immediately there's nothing else left to draw players to Manhattan, KS, and this program is pretty much back to being at the bottom of the barrel.

5. Alex Kangas (sorry Snake). I don't know much about hockey, but I know that the Jesus on the ice is struggling lately. After getting run by the hated Sioux the previous weekend, giving up six goals in back-to-back games, he looked like he might be back on track against St. Cloud, making 24 saves on Friday night and only giving up one goal on Friday. Then came Saturday night, and he once again was lost, giving up six goals on just 31 shots. Luckily, the St. Cloud goaltenders were even worse, letting the Gophers score 8 times (one an empty netter) to grab a wild 8-6 victory. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure if your goalie doesn't play well you aren't going very far.

Weekend Review

The Gopher basketball team was far, far too awesome this weekend to even be included in this review. My thoughts on the game can be found here, but it was truly an awesome, awesome victory for the soon to be nationally ranked Gophers. I expect they'll end up at about 17th, moving up to 15th or so after a couple more cupcake wins going into the big new year's eve day tilt against the Spartans, at the genius time of 11:00am. Speaking of Spartans.....


WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Michigan State Hoops. The overall profile of the Big Ten got yet another boost Saturday, as the Spartans waltzed into Houston’s Toyota Center to take on the #5 Texas Longhorns and walked out with a 67-63 victory; it’s even more impressive that although technically a neutral court, it was essentially a home game for the Longhorns, who actually led most of the way. The Spartans pulled it out on a Durrell Summers three-pointer from the corner with just 13 seconds left, despite being outrebounded 37-29. They were able to overcome that with some hot shooting, as they hit 51% from the floor compared to just 39% for Texas. Interestingly, even though this game was loaded by incredible athletes on both sides, it was a tall, gawky, doofy, foreign, white, big man who led the Spartans to victory, as Goran Suton dominated with 18 points on 7-8 shooting – and chipped in with all of two rebounds. The Spartans definitely needed a boost here after blowing their only other chance to impress by getting blown out by UNC (not to mention the loss to Maryland at home); great win for them and for the conference’s profile.

2. Peyton Manning. Don’t look now, but suddenly the Colts are looking like a legit contender for the Super Bowl again after starting the season looking like utter horsecrap, and it’s mainly due to Manning’s incredible play once again. He threw for 364 yards and 3 TDs against Jacksonville on Thursday in bring the Colts back from down 14 to a 31-24 victory. That makes the third straight game he hasn’t thrown a pick, throwing for at least 275 yards in each. He’s been way overshadowed by the amazing seasons of Drew Brees and Kurt Warner this year, both with a shot to topple Marino’s total passing yards in a season record, but he’s currently third in the NFL in both yards and touchdowns. They have already locked up a playoff spot, and are looking to be one of the hottest teams going into the post season. If I had to make a pick to win the Super Bowl right now, I’d go with the Colts with the Steelers the only other team I’d even consider.

3. Brandon Roy. I don’t generally write much about the NBA because it sucks, but when a guy is doing what Brandon Roy is doing and he should be a T-Wolf, and isn’t, I can’t help it. Roy put up 52 points against the Suns this past Thursday, and is averaging 34.5 points per game in his last five to go with 5.6 rebounds and 5 assists and is having like this written about him, calling him the player who will lead the Blazers into the next great NBA Dynasty. Great. At least the Wolves have Randy Foye and that extra million in cash, apparently used to sign superstar point guard Kevin Ollie.

4. Jodie Meeks. Kentucky’s resident gunner and leading scorer, Meeks exploded all over Appalachian State’s face on Saturday, going for a career high 46 points as the Wildcats beat the Mountaineers 93-69. Meeks, who has also scored 39 against VMI and 37 against Kansas State this season, shot 14-21 from the floor, including 9-14 from three, and 9-10 on free throws. Hmm…..46 points on just 21 shots? Are you paying attention Steve Curry? Meeks not only leads the Wildcats in scoring, but also came into the game as the SEC’s leading scorer at 21.9 ppg (on less than 16 shots per game). He had kind of a disappointing career to this point after coming to UK as the 39th best player in the country according to Rivals. He had a decent freshman year, but stagnated as a sophomore. He seems now to have put it all together, and has Kentucky looking in pretty good shape at 8-3 after a pretty rough start to the season.

5. UCONN Hoops. I was all set to write up this spot about Gonzaga, who I love this year. They are ranked 7th and were playing the 2nd ranked UCONN Huskies and seemed to be in control of the game, leading by double-digits with about 10 minutes left in the game. The UCONN did the improbable, rallying back to tie the game on a ridiculous, ill-advised three pointer by AJ Price with less than 8 seconds left. The game went to OT after Gonzaga couldn’t get a shot, where the Huskies ridiculous guard tandem of Price and Jerome Dyson took over with Thabeet fouled out and got the win for UCONN, 88-83. To go into Seattle, Gonzaga’s second home, and come out with a win is as impressive a win as there is in college basketball. Everything about this team, and particularly their guards, screams final four and national title contender. Keep your eye on these guys.


WHO SUCKED

1. Stephen Curry. Can we all chill out about Curry now? Davidson got absolutely killed this weekend by Purdue, in yet another Big Ten win over a ranked team, 76-58 in a game that saw the Boilers jump out to a 25-2 lead and coast to victory from there. Precious basketball Jehovah Stephen Curry managed to score 16 points, grab 8 boards, and dish out 6 assists, and that’s all you’ll hear about. Nobody will bother to mention his 5-26 shooting, which was 3-17 in the first half before he got “hot” and finished up 2-9. Can we please, please, relax with all the best player in the country talk. He’s good, no doubt, but, and I can’t stress this enough, HE SCORES SO MANY POINTS BECAUSE HE SHOOTS THE BALL SO GOD DAMNED MUCH. Christ, Lawrence Westbrook would score 40 a game if he shot the ball as much as Curry. Do you know Curry takes 36% of all Davidson shots? Even more shocking is that’s only 11th in the country in that stat. Who knew there were 10 worse ball hogs than him? (His brother is 39th, at 33% of Liberty’s shot attempts). He’s also first in the country in shot attempts per game, which includes that one weird game where he only took 3. Think about that. And yet the “experts” continue to praise him, like this guy from rivals who calls him, “The Most Surprising” player this year, and means it in a good way. Arg.

2. Oregon Hoops. As I said before the season started, this team is garbage. Even though they managed a win against an even more pathetic Portland team on Saturday, they needed overtime to do it against a team that had already lost to both Northern Colorado and Eastern Washington this year.. Before that win, they had dropped back-to-back home games against St. Mary’s and San Diego, and had a record of 4-6, an embarrassment for a BCS conference team. The main issue here is little man Tajuan Porter, who is like a more out of control Terrance Simmons – you read that correctly. He’s leading the team in shot attempts, despite shooting just 38% from the floor and from three. Even better, despite allegedly being a point guard he’s putting up just 1.6 assists against 2.2 turnovers. If you’re wondering about former Gopher target Josh Crittle, he’s averaging 1.6 points and 2.7 rebounds in 14 minutes per game. If you’re a betting man, go against this team every game. IT’S A LOCK.

3. Xavier hoops. There is nothing particularly wrong with losing to Duke, especially when they are ranked sixth in the country. There is, however, an issue with getting blown out when you are the seventh ranked team, the game is at a neutral site, and this is pretty much your last real chance to make an impression against a top team. The Musketeers laid an egg, getting run by the Dukies 86-68 in a game that wasn’t really that close, and now play a couple of non-conference patsies before going on to run through the A-10 schedule. I’ve mentioned the A-10 is improved this year, but Xavier still shouldn’t have a problem. They still have the win against Memphis in their pocket, which is looking less and less impressive, and the win at Cincy will hold up well, but remember this Duke loss come tourney time. OUT in the second round. Book it.

4. Memphis Hoops. The Tigers have dropped out of the top 25 after losing at home to Syracuse on Saturday, and have essentially blown every opportunity to get a big win. The lost at Xavier 63-58, and at Georgetown 79-70 before today’s home loss. Not that you can count the Tigers out completely, as they will almost certainly roll through Conference USA once again, although this year I expect a loss or two rather than another undefeated conference season. This year’s edition of the Tigers looks a little punchless, as shown by this week’s 59-51 squeaker win against Arkansas – Little Rock of all teams. They still have a couple of opportunities to reassert themselves, with non-conference games against Gonzaga and Tennessee coming up in the new year, but I haven’t seen much from them this year to make me think they have any chance of being a factor.

5. Dock Ellis. Not so much him, but the fact that this crazy son of a bitch died really sucks. That's him pictured above, and if you aren't familiar with him, he pitched from 1968 to 1979, winning 138 games mainly for the Pirates, but is more well known for some seriously crazy stories. You can read more here and especially here but he is probably most well-known for pitching a no hitter on acid, where he could only tell if the batter was left or right handed, and couldn't really see who was up after getting blitzed the night before because he thought he had the next day off. My personal favorite Ellis story is that in 1974 the Pirates were in a big-time rivalry with the Reds. Thinking his teammates were soft, he decided to make a point by hitting every batter in the Reds' lineup. After beaning Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, and Dan Driessen to load the bases to start the game, Tony Perez managed to avoid four straight pitches aimed at him to walk in a run. After throwing his next two pitches at Johnny Bench's head, his manager finally took him out of the game. He can basically be summed up by this quote, "Barry Bonds? I'd hit him at least once a game. 'Cause he's got all that shit on. Yeah, let's see that shit stop the ball from hurting him if I hit him on the motherfucking elbow or something. I'd hit him just to see, does it work?" Awesome.


Honorable mention to fantasy football. I effing quit and I hope DeAngelo Williams dies. And Matt Schaub too. Way to throw it to the best receiver in football only three times. How did continually dumping it off to backs and white receivers work out for ya, captain dipshit.