Dinocroc = Johnny Lawrence? (Live Movie Blog)

Next up on your live movie blog excitement is a little ditty called "Dinocroc" brought to you by the same jackasses who brought you "Supergator", or as I like to call it, Super Gay.....tor.  It's funny because it's a gay joke.  Oh relax.  Anyway, our synopsis is "Several townspeople step forward to save their community form the jaws of a prehistoric reptile."  Sounds a lot like Lake Placid, which was good.  Somehow I doubt this will be. On to the fun.......

-  We're in Australia, and right away there's some crocodile dundee dressed guy hunting crocs.  I can only assume this is a bad sign.  Although on the other hand, he just got eaten.  Things are looking up.

-  God, nothing makes my balls shrivel up and bile rise in my throat like seeing that "Roger Corman Productions" banner show up.  I ran this down for you in the Supergator live blog, but as a refresher, "it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure."  Alright!  Who's fired up now?

-  Now we're heading into a genetics laboratory, who I assume will be at fault for creating a giant croc that wreaks havoc on the community before it is saved by Costas Mandylor.  Poor Science.  These movies always do two things:  mangle any scientific fact they try to bring into play and blame careless scientists for creating monsters.  Oh yeah, well if you can't keep your facts straight, maybe you are the careless one!  Maybe all these deaths are on you!  I don't want....your life!

-  Oh snap!  One of the genetically engineered baby crocs killed the other!  Now the main science lady is in their lair or whatever investigating what's going on.  Do you think she shut the door?  Or do you think she left it open, is about to get killed, and the dinocroc will escape?  Before you guess, I want you to keep in mind that the "baby" dinocrocs are already about 10 feet long, and she went in their pen with a tazer and a pen.  Now you guess.

-  Here's the plan to get the croc back:  feed it at the same place and same time every night until they can capture it.  I don't get it.  If you know where it is enough to feed it, then just capture it.  It's only 10 feet long right now, but "grows at an incredible rate."  And their "bait" is a dog.  So they're going to chain the dog to a post in some random area of the swamp (NOTE:  There's always a swamp) and just assume dinocroc will show?  Except now the jackass let the dog run away, and dinocroc actually did show up.  To eat the guy. So I guess this plan is going flawlessly.

-  I think that's Jamie Walters playing the main dude in this.  Nope, looked it up, it's some guy who isn't anybody, but looks just like Jamie Walters.  So that's what we are going to call him.  He's the male lead, and the female lead is some chick who is a Veterinarian.  Right now they are looking for a lost dog with three legs - the very same dog who was almost bait for the Dinocroc!  What an incredible twist!

-  Some 100 year old dude is tracking the Dinocroc using sonar and what not, and he's got a bead on him.  I also have no idea who this guy is or where he came from, I guess I missed that part

-  Vet girl and Vinnie from Blossom are now playfully splashing each other with swamp/lake water - you know, because that's what people do - completely oblivious that the Dinocroc is stalking them.  Luckily, crotchety old man in the boat knows it, and he essentially rams them to get them out of the water.  No sign of the croc.  So basically absolutely nothing happens in this scene.

-  Turns out the old guy is affiliated with the genetics company that created these crocs in the first place.  And now he's taken the two leads to their lab, getting them into the restricted access area, spilling their company secrets, and basically telling them about every skeleton in this company's closet.  Why?  Because they were in the water when the croc was around, of course.  Seriously, I have no idea.  This is like, a vet and a construction worker, there's no reason at all to even bring them into the fold, especially since they weren't even aware there was a large crocodilian on the loose in their area.  I'm SHOCKED that this movie isn't making any logical sense.

-  Ok, I guess they are the local animal control officer and reptile expert.  Makes a little more sense, but just a little.  They've also brought in the "Quint" guy now.  You know, the badass, tough as nails, manly man who is an expert at killer crocs.  Yeah, he's here now.

-  Obligatory scene with drunk rednecks going hunting illegally on a game park reserve in the middle of the night ($20 says Super Sioux Fan has done this).  The both got eaten in super undramatic and lame fashion, and all we ever see of the dinocroc so far is an obviously computer generated flash of it's tail.  Building suspense like Jaws did, or too cheap a budget to show it's title monster?  You decide, but let me tell you there was more suspense for the second half of the gopher/bulldog basketball game than I'm feeling right now.  More sexual tension, too.  These two leads are terrible.

-  I just looked them up, and neither lead actor had done much before, and niether has done much since.  Basically this was their one shot at glory, and they failed.  Like Darius Washington.

-  So I've been doing a lot of thinking about fantasy college basketball, and I think I might just go with Varnado as the #1 pick (although I'm trying to trade draft slots to get to 3rd or 4th).  He's the player that would be the most fun, and if he continues to improve like he has been he'll be a super stud.  But then again, you can't win your league in the first round, but you can lose it so I should just go Harangody since he is a sure thing and will be the offensive focal point for that team.  I just hope somebody trades draft spots with me so I don't have to worry about it.   

-  Ok, there it is.  It's big and, just like the Super Gator, is some kind of cross between a croc and a T-Rex, and loves to roar, even more than your average shark.  Actually, I think this is basically the exact same movie as Super Gator.  Except this time it's a croc, and last time was an alligator.  Nice job, Corman, keep beating that horse.

-  $11 million for Cuddy?  LO-mother effing-L.

-  The swamp from before is now a lake, and a lake where billions of people have shown up to ski and boogie board and whatever else you young people like to do.  I understand that this suddenly makes a lot more deaths possible, and there are suddenly bikinis involved, but I'd at least like an explanation - even a half-assed one.

-  Fake Quint just dove in the water to try to "flush it out", speaking about the Dinocroc that has been surface feeding on swimmers like a largemouth on a hula popper for the last ten minutes.  I don't know that this plan makes much sense.  Maybe he's planning to wrestle it to death under water.

-  Well now the old guy just fell in the water.  And not because the boat was rammed or anything that made sense, just because he was old apparently.  I don't know, I guess his hip failed or something.

-  Hm.  Now the media swarms have decended on that genetics company in order to demand answers about the deaths, which is weird because we haven't seen anything about a leak to the media and the only people who have seen that this thing is some sort of mutant are either on the genetics company's side or dead.  In other word's, other than their weird old dude getting eaten, there's no reason to connect this to the company.  Especially since they are in Florida, and everything actually points to this just being a crocodile with a taste for human flesh.  This movie is really giving Occam's Razor the finger.

-  Let's see, the Sheriff wants to go after the croc with "all the firepower we have", while the "good guys" want to use carbon monoxide.  I swear I'm not making that up.  Boggles the mind.

-  OMG, one of the guys who wrote this also wrote Suger Gator, so not only is this the identical movie, it was written by the same guy who somehow now got two paychecks.  Also they just found Steve from Full House's kids bike all mangled.  I remember seeing the croc going after that kid while he was looking for his dog, which somehow has gone on for like three days now, but honestly I can't remember if it killed him or not.  I would assume no, since generally movies don't kill little kids - other than It and Pay it Forward - but that dad guy sure thinks so and he just jumped on his badass moped and drove off by himself, I assume to go after the Dinocroc by himself.  Always a good idea.

-  Nope, I'm wrong.  He went to the bar instead and ordered "a bottle of anything."  Just went up a few notches in my book.

-  By the way, we started going through season one of True Blood again, just because we are getting antsy for season two and my crush for Anna Paquin continues to grow.  You need to do a google search to get to the really good stuff, but for now this will have to do:

 -   In news almost as awesome as Anna Paquin's breasts, Lance Stephenson is officially eligible for Cincinnati.  You can expect to see the Bearcats in the top 10 at some point this year, along with a ton of articles about what a "shocker" it is.  Guess what?  I'm telling you now, it's no shocker.  That team will be a contender to win the Big East.

-  So that guy who thinks his kid is dead even though he probably isn't is having a good cry in his bed, and this like super sad music is playing in the background.  I bet anything the director and Mike Seaver thought that this would be a super powerful scene and we would all cry and it would be like The Notebook and shit.  It's not.  But on the bright side for that guy that chick felt bad and crawled into bed with him and just put his hand on her boob.  I know that would cheer me up.  Good job that chick.  Meanwhile this is all interspersed with shots of the sheriff's guys getting taken down one-by-one by Dinocroc.  It's very much like the Karate Kid, if Daniel-san was the croc and the Cobra Kai was the sheriff and his dorky minions. 

-  The sheriff, aka Sensei, lost five men last night, and now he wants to try their carbon monoxide plan to kill the croc.  Also Vinny wants us to know he's "In" and he wants to killl "that fucker."  Cue montage scene.  Did I or did I not tell you this was like the Karate Kid.  Except the good guys are now the good guys and I guess the croc is now the Cobra Kai.  He did strike hard.  He did strike first.  And he had no mercy.  He also made them "get him a body bag" several times.  This analogy is awesome.

-  I ran the numbers and using our scoring system Harangody outscored the next closest guy (Varnado) by six points per game last year.  There i sno way I can pass that up, and I'm stupid for even trying to trade out of that spot.  So nevermind.  I get to have Harangody.  Yeah.

-  Pretty sure fake Quint is wearing a cowboy hat and a stocking cap.  And also they are using live dogs as bait for the croc.  That's awesome.  People should do that in real life, and I'll tell you why:  dogs suck.  It's a fact.  The only dog ever worth a damn was Snake's dog Tippy, who was great but then went completely psycho when Mrs. Snake popped out their first kid.  So dogs are stupid.  Sorry Bogart.  I like Bender and all, but dogs suck.

-  The sheriff is arresting that chick and that dude because they object to using the dogs as bait.  Frickin' liberal hippies.  And I think the sheriff just said "chum boat."  I would rewind to check, but I don't really want to know if I'm wrong.

-  Yep, it's a chum boat.  They have a chum boat.  Awesome.  I've always kind of wanted to drive the boat around at my parents' cabin and chum.  I don't know that it would accomplish anything, but if there's any monsters lurking, we'd find them.  And it can't hurt the fishing, you know?

-  Something just happened and the two main characters escaped from the truck where they were being held.  Yep, they were being held in a truck.  And now they have somehow acquired blow torch and are using it to melt the handcuffs off each other.  Again, I swear I'm not making this up.

-  We watched some movie called "It's Alive" the another night.  Probably the worst movie ever.  And I've watched A LOT of bad movies. 

-  Holy sweet christ does Taylor Swift look gorgeous with dark hair.  Wow.  Watch Saturday Night Live.  She goes from cute to absolutely amazing.  Trust. (note:  we switched over to SNL.  You probably figured that out.  I'll get back to the movie, I promise.)  Also, am I gay if I like that song of hers about how "you belong with me?"  Big fan.

-  Ok, back to the movie.  I can't remember what is supposed to be happening, but I just saw some really shitty cgi of a large tail which no doubt means Dinocroc is on the movie.  Make your time.

-  Those two dorks are using their gay little blowtorch to free the dogs and melt their chains so they get free.  Forget for a minute that I doubt a handheld blowtorch can reach the melting point of steal, you're being chased by a crocodile/T-Rex hybrid - give up the dogs and just run, morons.

-  that dudes little five volt blowtorch is apparently enough to keep dinocroc at bay.  Conslusion:  Dinocroc is a pussy.  Or, alternatively, a shitty little blowtorch = the crane kick, if we want to torture that analogy a bit more.

-  Vokda + Diet Coke + lime juice = $

-  What happened?  there was a bunch of noise and people staring, and then we faded to black, and now apparently it's all over.  Sheriff claims he killed the thinger, but we saw nothing of the climax.  Normally I'd say we are waiting on a plot twist, but a movie this shitty could very well go ahead and not actually show anything of the climactic battle/fight/dumb crap.

-  By the way, fake Quint didn't do shit and was kind of a pussy the whole movie.  Although we have 15 minutes left right now.  Still time for redemption.  Also did you know Michael Cuddyer will make $11 million in 2011?  That's hilarious.

-  They're making a Dinocroc vs. Supergator movie called "Volcanic" which is already in post-production and stars David Carradine.  Yes, the guy who killed himself accidentally because of the whole auto-erotic aphisxiation thing.  Also in a related note I can't spell asphixiation.

-  Oh, it's still alive.  And Mrs. W wants you to know it "looks like a doll.  Like somebody is standing there going rawr rawr rawr.  This needs to end.  Like ASAP."  She is not amused.  I think she wants to get back to the Taylor Swift thing because I think she has a little crush on her.  So, Taylor, if you're out there:  both me and the missus have a thing for you.  Call me.

-  This thing hates fire as if it was Frankenstein's monster - not Frankenstein, though.  If you ever hear anybody called the monster "Frankenstein" you would be well served by knifing them in the kidney - and they would be better off as well.

-  Do you want to know how this movie ended?  No, you don't.  I'm going to tell you anyway.  The Dinocroc got run over by a train.  A locomotive, if you will.  But it wasn't quite dead, so Pacey stabbed it in the eyeball.  That's going to make it tough to come back for Suepr Gator vs. Dino Croc, but I guess Super Gator got blown up by a volcano, so anything is possible.  It's like heaven for retards.

- So I guess that kid did die.  That's kind of weird. 

-  Jesus.  Right at the very end, before roll credits, the dinocroc walks across the screen and roars.  But they just showed it all dead and crap.  How is that possible?  I guess it's not that hard to come back for the sequel when you're a zombie Dinocroc.  Whatever.  I've seen worse.  Also I'm not sure that "like heaven for retards" joke made sense above, but I'm going to leave it in because it makes me laugh.  Like your face.

-  I was going to be all done here, but I just uploaded that picture of the movie poster and I noticed it says "It feeds on fear."  No it doesn't.  It feeds on mostly humans, and a few dogs.  Also, in order to feed on fear, you need to actually show up.  This stupid thing was on screen like, one minute total of the whole movie.  I wasn't afraid of it, I just wanted to see it.  That movie poster makes me angry.  I'm now going to do nothing.

Fantasy College Basketball Update

Ok, I have some more details about this Fantasy College Basketball League I'm going to be in.  We are going to be using the six main conferences (Big Ten, Pac 10, SEC, ACC, Big 12, and Big East - suck it, A-10), and a few other teams (Butler, BYU, Creighton, Dayton, Gonzaga, Memphis, Nevada, Siena, Tulsa, and Xavier). 

Scoring is:

1 pt per point scored
2 pts per assist
1 pt per rebound
3 pts per steal
3 pts per block
-2 pts per turnover

And we start 2 centers, 4 forwards, and 4 guards, with a total roster size of 16, and weekly games (so if someobdy is playing 2 games in a week and someone else is only playing 1, you would play the 2 game guy).  We don't start until December 14th, but the draft is going to be taking place soon and it's a slow draft, like a pick or two per day kind of thing.

We roll some internet dice thing for draft pick, with highest going first, and with about half of the league (12 members) having rolled I'm sitting at 90 right now - currently the #1 pick.

I think the real key here is the 3 points per steal and per block.  It's easy to focus on the main three stats, and actually the only fantasy college preview I've found does just that, but that is a lot of points for playing defense. 

For example, last year Damian Johnson would have averaged 28 points per game, despite just 10 points and 4 rebounds per game.  A guy like Seton Hall's Jeremy Hazell, who was tenth nationally in scoring at 23 per game and is an early pick in this kind of thing, averaged only 31 points per game.  I'm guessing I could snag DJ ten or more rounds later than Hazell, depending of course on how much everyone else is paying attention - and that will be the key.

Like, Harangody and Brackins are kind of the top two guys, and last year they averaged 41 and 35 per game, but thanks to Cole Aldrich's three blocks per game, he averagd 36 - more than Brackins and would be the #2 player and that's if he doesn't improve.

Basically, those are the top three and I don't know if there's anybody else you could argue should be included, and if I end up with the #1 Harangody is the smart pick, Brackins is the fun pick, and Aldrich is the intriguing pick - I'd probably end up going Aldrich or Harangody, and would be much happier with Cole.

Any thoughts?  Sleepers?  Defensive guys I'm missing?

Bloody Awful Blood Surf (Live Movie Blog)

So here's the scoop. Mrs. W went to Dr. Acula's wife's birthday party (we couldn't find a baby sitter so I'm at home watching the kid) and had a shot or two and is now staying over at their house. So I'm here all alone, and unsure what to do with myself. I know you are all used to me live blogging while I watch Shark movies, and I think we can all enjoy that, but from time to time, a guy has to branch out a bit. Take in some new culture, new types of entertainment, and experience new things. In that light, I thought I would take a step away from the usual shark movie, and bring you something completely different.

I present, "Blood Surf", a movie about a giant crocodile. Your summary via DirectTV "A monstrous saltwater crocodile terrorizes a group of documentary filmmakers in Australia." Sounds good. And possibly somewhat realistic. No mutants. No prehistoric creatures come back to life. No revenge (I hope). Call me cautiously optimistic. I know, I know, two live movie blogs in one weekend? I must be in heaven.

- This was directed by someone named James D.R. Hickox. Tell me that doesn't sound like a director of more, um, adult, entertainment.

- We start out with a close up of an eyeball, and then cut to an Asian in some water, and back to the eye, and back to a different asian, and back to the eye, and so on, getting faster and faster and faster until the tension is so thick I feel like I could puke. It starts moving too fast to really tell what's going on, but I saw some teeth and some bloody water (or Blood Surf, if you will) at one point. I have a feeling this one is going for "artsy-fartsy." That always works when your antagonist is a giant crocodile.

- Now there's a bunch of stoner/surfer types in a float plane above some kind of tropical paradise. They are using words like gnarly and shredding. I really hope they crash and get eaten, and that this isn't our intro to our main characters. Cautious optimism waning.

- One of the stoners, who I am starting to suspiciously suspect are our main characters, references the movie Jaws. I take it as a good sign that the writer of this crap has at least heard of that movie.

- Oh man, I just got the main plot point of the movie, and I can't decided if it's awesome or stupid. These stoners are going to chum the water to attract sharks, and then go surfing in shark infested waters. And they are going to call it, "Blood Surfing." Wow. Since this is a crocodile movie, I'm guessing a croc shows up and ruins the fun. Which makes no real sense, because what could one crocodile do that a whole mess of sharks couldn't? God damn it why do I always try to rationalize these stupid movies? Why do I even expect anything to make sense? Why do I even watch them? I'm an idiot, aren't I?

- I was rewatching Mean Girls the other day (still one of the best movies of the 2000s) and holy cow the amount of talent in that movie was sick. Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, and Lacey Chabert? Holy wow. Plus Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. And one of the best written movies in a long time! Just a great flick. Add in the janitor from Scrubs and that movie had it all. This movie doesn't.

- Jesus we're only 3 minutes into this movie. The opening credits are still rolling. This is going to be the longest movie blog ever. Rock on.

- NBA draft early entrants have to make their decisions by Monday, and there are still a few interesting fellas who I feel I should comment on.
AUSTIN DAYE, GONZAGA: Probably a mid-first, but doesn't have a guarantee of first round. I really hope he stays another year in college, because he is absolutely one of my favorite players. Reminds me a ton of Keith Van Horn, but blacker.
PATRICK MILLS, ST MARYS: This guy is a big one because I read the Wolves have a lot of interest in him, and I'd love to see him on the team. I don't really see how he can improve his stock much, so this year would be the time to go.
GREIVIS VASQUEZ, MARYLAND: Snacks loves this commie, and he is a very solid all-around player. It appears he isn't likely to go first round, so he should probably stay in school, but he has a lot of skills and honestly I think could be a Manu Ginobli type. I hope he stays in the draft and the Wolves get him late.
JODIE MEEKS, KENTUCKY: Big time scorer, and yet not projected to go until round two. I don't really know what else he could do to improve his stock unless he goes to John Stockton camp and learns how to really handle the ball. Might as well stick around and help his legacy at Kentucky so he can become an assistant coach some day. He's not an NBA player.
LUKE HARANGODY, NOTRE DAME: Not a first round pick, but apparently he might be ok with that. I don't see him hitting the first round at all. He's Michael Madsen, who I once played in a softball tournament against - very spastic there too.
There are plenty of others, but I'm tired. Plus I'm super excited to see what happens with this movie.

- They just showed some jackass surfing with an angle from below, and guess what? Yep he looked just like a seal. Seriously, why even add the chum in the water when surfing is already the most dangerous thing in the world? You're basically playing russian roulette already, but now they want to add chum? It's like playing russian roulette with a bazooka. This movie is already irritating. I need another drink.

- The main chick in this movie looks like Molly Sims, so that's what we are going to call here.

- The two main surfer dudes are super homo-erotic. Think Iceman/Maverick levels of sexual tension going on here. Even though one of them just hit on Molly Sims. That doesn't prove anything. Maverick hit on Kelly McGillis, and it turned out she was a man.

- They just hired this movie's version of Quint to take the boat out and chum the waters and all that about the Blood Surf or what not. Except he reufsed to do it, saying he would be "an accessory to murder." His girlfriend is this movies version of "super hot chick in a 95% see-thru tank top and no bra" - who is now shakin' that thang in the middle of the bar for no discernible reason. It's kind of like in Roadhouse how when that one hot blonde girl does a striptease in the middle of Dalton's bar for no good reason. Man did I rewind that part a lot. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, for some reason her dancing in the middle of the bar convinced her husband, Quint, to agree to take the surfer guys out to the sharks. Makes total sense.

- I just looked this movie up on IMDB, and it's original name was "Krocodylus." That is the most awesomest name ever. Why would they change it.

- By the way, if you google "Shane Schilling drunk" now, we are the first AND second link. Awesome.

- So we have Quint, Quint's girlfriend, hot foreign chick, some asian chick, a more annoying Matthew Lillard-type with spiked hair, Molly Sims, an old asian dude, a pretty boy, and the mastermind who looks a lot like DJ Tanner's boyfriend all on the boat going to the "lagoon" where all the sharks are (and apparently Krocodylus). Got it?

- Asian chick and asian dude just did a prayer circle to protect the surfers. I bet it doesn't work.

- Well, their chum has fish parts in it. They're already a big step ahead of Megalodon.

- The sharks showed (still no Krocodylus, unfortunately) and it was pretty underwhelming. Jazzy music, hyper fast effects including sharks moving way too fast accompanied by "whooshing" sound effects, and shots of great whites, blue sharks, and bull sharks (and what I think was a tuna). Oh they tried to make it dramatic by having the camerawoman (wearing chain mail so pretty much 100% safe) get surrounding in about ten feet of water, but it didn't work. Twenty-nine minutes in and nobody has bothered to die yet. Lame. Man I really wish I could have a bunch of drinks, but seeing as I'm the only adult here, I'm going to have to limit myself.

- Ok, message received. A shark just got kilt, but all we saw was a fountain of blood and then some bubbling blood in the water. Krocodylus? Or Shark-exploding AIDS?

- Did I ever tell you that Wonderbaby^TM can recognize a shark, and say the word? Whether it's on TV, a real picture, a stuffed animal, or a drawing in one of her books, she see's it and she says, "Shark." Seriously, she knows like, 15 words and one of them is shark. That's so awesome.

- So right now more-annoying version of Matthew Lillard is banging Foreign chick, and DJ Tanner's boyfriend and Molly Sims are going at it too while Pretty Boy Surfer is out on the water by himself. Sounds like a good time for Krocodylus to appear.

- Random asian chick just jumped in the water too, which makes no sense because Asian chick and old asian dude are the ones that are all hyper about their being too many sharks in this area of the lagoon. yet she's all like, I'm going in the water and he's all like ok even though he is the one who was having such a spaz earlier. Once again, really top notch writing here.

- Something bumped the boat, which knocked old asian dude into the water and then there was a blood spurt and I guess he's dead or something. Because crocodiles ram boats all the time. I guess it's contagious and they caught it from all the sharks that are swimming around. I'm still waiting for my first Crocodile roar. That would really make tonight complete.

- And there he is, roar included. He just ate the foreign chick. It's nighttime now though, and nobody has even acknowledged the missing asian dude. It's like the WW2 interment camps all over again.

- Damn, they keep answered all my questions. They just found the arm of the asian dude, and the boat is missing. Well, not so much missing as sunk. The crocodile sank the entire boat. As we all know, crocs hate boats, so it makes sense.

- I have no idea what is going on. The dock is exploding. Not with fire, but exploding nonetheless. Sequentially too. Like, there's a little explosion, moving closer to shore each time, every two seconds or so. I don't get it. I wish this movie was over already. This is by far the worst one yet.

- Oh dear god. Apparently this island is populated by Pirates. Pirates. PIRATES. Most movies would be better with Pirates. That crappy cheerleader movie from last night would have been 10x better if Pirates showed up to raze the cheerleader camp. Think about how much better Forrest Gump would have been if suddenly pirates showed up and destroyed the Bubba Gump boat. What if pirates showed up to F with Frodo and Rudy? Awesome, right? But when you already have sharks and crocodiles, you don't need anything else. What's next, bring in the ninjas?

- Anthony Swarzak grew up a bit today. Even though he had a couple of good starts to start his career, a big knock on him was that he was getting lucky. He was letting a lot of runners on base who were luckily not coming around to score, and he had a 1-1 BB/K ratio, a number that essentially guarantees a pitcher's doom. This bore itself out in his next two starts where he got killed, and honestly things were not looking good for our young friend. Today against the Cubs, helped by Jason "the awesome" Kubel's massive bomb of a home run, Swarzak picked up the win. He stuck around for seven innings, giving up just four hits and one walk while striking out six. Those are some very solid numbers. Based on this last outing, and the movement I see on his fastball, I think he's going to end up being pretty solid.

- Ok, so I'm barely paying attention here, but the Pirates decided they were going to rape Molly Sims since she's the only girl left. Right as he's about to get into it, Krocodylus leaped out of the water and grabbed the potential rapist by the head and took him down for a nice meal. And they were on the second floor of the boat. And the boat had a roof. So it jumped about twenty feet in the air with perfect aim to get it's snout threw the window to grab rapist guy. And our heroes pushed every pirate off the boat in the confusion and started to drive away but then a Pirate shot at the boat and hit the gas tank and now the boat is on fire. Confusing to you? Trust me it's every bit as confusing to me watching it. I don't know if I can get through the rest of this movie.

- That Quint guy just showed up to take the good guys back to the safety of the island. Turns out he wasn't actually with them the whole time. My watching comprehension skills are sorely lacking.

- Ooh, they aren't safe yet. Instead of trying to get everyone to safety, he's trying to attract the salt-water croc because Quint hates them. Turns out he had a cruise with some people, and they all got killed by a croc so, in a huge twist, he's out for revenge instead of the animal (I guess only shark's are in the revenge business). We learn all this info from Quint's girlfriend who is now wearing a slightly different, 80% see thru tank top with no bra.

- IT'S THE SAME CROC!!!!!1111111!!

- Now he's fishing for the Croc with some kind of crazy bobber that looks like the bouncy kickball Wonderbaby^TM likes to kick around the house. Yep, it appears I'm raising a soccer player. Kill me now. Any tips, Snake? Other than hunting squirrels, which I know you love to do.

- Serious question: If you could be a vampire, would you? You'd have to survive on blood, but you could get around the whole killing people bit by eating rats or deer or mexicans. And you'd live forever, and think of all the crappy movies you could watch. I pick yes.

- Fun fact: I was all prepared to comment on how the Croc roars constantly in this movie, but I actually wasn't sure if they do in real life or not (my animal's that don't roar expertise only extends to sharks) and according to this site which ends in .org so it has to be legit, they do. So, you know, there's that then.

- Molly Sims was in the water to film them catching Krocodylus, because they are still trying to make their documentary, and he got off the line and came after her and she escaped by climbing up a ladder and he couldn't get her. Keep in mind this is the same creature that leapt twenty feet through a window to get a rapist. Clearly, crocodiles hate rape and it motivates them to incredible feats of athleticism.

- No worries, he got to eat Matthew Lillard instead, despite him trying to stab his head with a knife and having it make the same sound as banging two cooking pans together. Fun fact: Crocodiles have heads like stainless steel pots.

- This fake Molly Sims has a nice rack (middle):


- Ok, this movie can just die. DJ Tanner's boyfriend saw a surfboard floating on the water and decided he was going to take the surfboard back to safety, even though it's a half day away by boat - you know, with a motor (their boat is grounded or something, I don't know) because apparently that's something someone would actually do in real life. Of course, he "surfs" right into Krocodylus's mouth. As Michelle would say, "How rude." Pretty Boy's reaction, "Well that sucks." I'm going to assume he's talking about this whole movie.

- Krocodylus just ate Quint in pretty much the identical scene from Jaws. Flooded boat, animal's head poking in through into the boat, tries to fight but basically falls into his jaws. If Pretty Boy ends up killing it by shooting an air tank it it's jaws I'm going to be pissed. Actually that would be kind of awesome.

- The Pirates are back. Jesus Christ.

- I found that scene, but it's in like, french or something - which explains a lot.


- So they blew up the great Krocodylus. Or, more accurately, they blew up the rocks around him which fell on his head. Of course, it's still sitting there, not moving or anything but they are sure it's dead because "If that didn't do it, nothing will." Twenty bucks says one of the three people still left dies, and fifty bucks says it's Quint's girlfriend because the other two are romantically involved (Molly Sims jumped on Pretty Boy as soon as DJ's boyfriend died).

- Yep, Quint's girlfriend decides to kick the "dead" croc in the face while shouting "I hate you" over and over again (which sounds like kicking a cooking pot, for some reason) and the croc wakes up and eats her face. Also Pretty Boy keeps calling the chick Sis which confuses me like you wouldn't believe because they were making out pretty hardcore a few minutes ago. What is this, Star Wars?

- It jumped at them and landed on a pointy tree. It is now impaled, as if Vlad Tepes had risen from the grave and orchestrated this himself. Please let this be over.

- They're making out again. WTF?

- Ah ha! Her character name is Cecily. Thus, it's Ces or Cis or something, not Sis. Still weird.

- Thank god it's over. I'm not going to lie, that was seriously the worst movie ever, outside of Jaws 4. I'm now going to cry myself to sleep.