I've seen this before...

I realize this is piling on at this point, but Alexi Casilla hitting second every night is driving me crazy. And frankly, something needs to distract me from a pathetic fantasy baseball team...it is never good to add Russell Branyan and David Aardsma in the same night, but at least I also added Span.

The problem is, this Casilla thing is all-too familiar.

Here are a some batting avg. / on-base % / SLG splits:

.234 / .260 / .362
.221 / .321 / .253
.174 / .207 / .217

Those are Casilla's Aug 08, Sept 08, and Apr 09 stat lines.

Here's one more:

.210 / .291 / .271

That's Nick Punto's 2007 stat line; the one where Gardy drove Twins fans crazy by keeping Punto entrenched in the 2-spot for most of the season. Punto's April 07 was actually quite a bit better than the one Casilla just finished, sadly.

I get that Gardy wants to let him work through his slump--that strategy seems to be working out well with Cuddyer, who's suddenly hitting again--but let Casilla do it at the bottom of the lineup.

Sweet victory tonight for the Twins; Liriano was locked in, Span was awesome again, Cuddyer maintained his recent form, and the bullpen didn't pour a bunch of gas on the mound and start a fire. Almost everything was awesome except for Mauer, who sucked. I'm sure the Star Trib commenters are foaming at the mouth demanding he be moved to 3B or 2B so we can get Morales back.

Even Casilla got a hit and two RBI, but he also had the worst Twins play of the game when he didn't run out a bunt attempt, which led to a double play. That could be the play that lands him on the bench.

Monday Night Things

Sitting around on a Monday night and realizing I feel really weird that I didn't do the Monday morning weekend review (those will be back in the fall). Instead, here's some random stuff.

- Very cool list of the 25 best stories of "Rickey being Rickey" sent to me by Snacks today. God I love that guy. Guy invented "Manny being Manny", and rocked that shtick so much harder that it actively pisses me off when people even use the phrase "Manny being Manny." An MVP award and two other top three placements, career leader in runs scored and steals, second in walks (he walked more than Babe Ruth for christ's sake) and with a career on-base-percentage of .401, along with being a complete nutcase and yet also loving baseball enough to play his last two major league seasons for a combined total of just $650,000 and then continuing his career in the independent Atlantic League for peanuts, just to keep playing ball. How can't you love this dude? I guess if you're some kind of queer.

- I'm sure you're wondering how the Aitkin Meat Raffle went this weekend. I'll tell you. It sucked. We won a couple of steaks, a pound of shrimp, a whole chicken, and some ribs, but considering it was me, Snacks, Mrs. Snacks, Dr. Acula, Argyle Sweater, and D. Driver, it was a pretty sorry haul. The upside is that all of us (save D. Driver) got pretty drunk and I discovered the wonder that is Jeremiah Weed's Sweet Tea Vodka. I'm telling you, go pick up some of this right now - and then clear a whole day to recover, because it's just like scotch & splenda: get's you drunk like scotch but tastes like heaven. Highly recommended.

- My god is Zack Greinke ridiculous. Another quality outing, with quality being not nearly a strong enough term, going 9 innings for his second freaking shutout (would be three but for an unearned run), giving up 6 hits and striking out nine, all while managing to walk no one. Right now I'm enjoying every minute of it and loving the Royals being in first place (along with the Mariners, Marlins, and Blue Jays - WTF?), but it's already getting a bit out of hand with the "Greinke Overcomes Social Anxiety" stories - so much so that I'm considering hating him. Putting "Greinke Overcomes" into Google already returns 11,600 hits and it's only going to get worse. So Zack, I will love you for your unhittability, and for how wrong I was about you, and our affair will last until probably you start the all-star game. I figure that's about when the media coverage will make me hate you worse than I hate Maxwell Nerdstrom.

- FYI - It costs $50 to even apply for a job in minor-league baseball. G-ay.

- Nice Twins win tonight by the way, mainly because we finally got to see Liriano pitch the way we know he can (7.1 ip, 4 hits, 3 walks, 2 runs) and get his first win. Most importantly, he struck out nine while pitching into the 8th. When Liriano pitches well, he strikes people out. That was his thing back in the day before he had a tendon from his leg inserted into his arm, and it's something he's had some trouble recapturing. Tonight was either a great sign that he might be getting closer to all the way back, or a blip on the radar of teasingness, but it was enjoyable either way.

- Do you know what's embarrassing? Today is National Star Wars day. I'm not making it up. Because it's May 4th. As in, "May the Fourth be with you." Seriously. I'm as big a Star Wars fan as there is. I know the name of Darth Vader's Star Destroyer and the Admiral who commanded it. I can name the members of Jabba the Hutt's band. I know Chewbacca's home planet's name. I know the difference between Wedge and Biggs, and both of their last name's. I'll even defend the prequel trilogy (though not Jar Jar). So when I think something is embarrassing for Star Wars' fans, it's pretty damned embarrassing. And this certainly qualifies. A bad pun. It's almost like George Lucas wrote up this "holiday" himself.

- Ryan Reynolds and I were born just 18 days apart. Let's call that FYI number 2.

- As I feared, the Celtics came out with a less than inspired effort after expending a ridiculous amount of effort to beat the Bulls, losing 95-90 to the Magic while shooting a Stephen Curry-like 38.5% for the game, with my boyfriend Ray Allen going 2-12 and Rondo shooting the same. Pauly Pierce tried to bring them back in the second half, turning an 18 point deficit into as little as three, but it was not meant to be and the Magic have stolen home court advantage. There's really no way they can do it again. The Celts are too old, too thin, and have too little KG to battle back again like they did against Chicago. I don't want Cleveland to win the whole thing, and I really don't want the Lake Show to win, so I have no idea who to root for. I guess I'll go Cleveland. Yippee.

- I can't believe Rebecca Jordan is a lesbian. (Wow. Be very careful googling that. And it's not even the right name. I'll just give you a picture and tell you I'm talking about a character on the kickass show Greek, named Rebecca Logan, played by the weirdly and foreignly named Dilshad Vadsaria.

- I strongly dislike Kobe Bryant. To Emmitt Smith levels. Did I ever tell you about how me, Snacks, and Bear burned a bunch of Emmitt smith cards in an Emmitt Smith cup from McDonalds? That was awesome.

- Finally, I'd just like to rank the Presidents of the United States, in order of how dirty their names sound:
1. Johnson
2. Bush
3. Harding
4. Polk
5. Filmore
6. Pierce
7. LBJ
8. Hoover
9. Bush
10. Clinton

I just made it to

I just made it to level eight on pac man. God i'm awesome.

Live Blog: Joe Mauer's First At-Bat Back

Since the whole world hangs on the return of the one, the only, the Baby Jesus-y Baby Jesus Joseph Joey Jo Jo Mauer, I better Live Blog.

7:20 - Two outs after Casilla drilled a line out to center. Anyone else hits that pitch out. Except Punto. Or Mauer.

7:20 - Standing ovation.

7:21 - Ball low. What a great eye on this guy.

7:21 - Takes it off the outside corner. Bert espouses on the wonderful batting eye of Joe Mauer.

7:22 - Jesus Christ. Home run. Talk about your all-time backfires.

Thanks Ponson.

Some Quick Friday Points

- Just in case he hadn't thrown a big enough dagger in your heart last year by winning the ALCS MVP, Matt Garza did it again last night. This time he took a perfect game into the seventh against the Red Sox only to have it broken up by a faggy infield squibber by faggy Jacoby Ellsbury. It would be the only hit Garza gave up, leaving after 7 and 2/3rds after striking out 10. Garza's WHIP now stands at just 1.06, with an ERA of 3.82. Meanwhile Delmon Young is hitting .241, is on-pace for 15 extra base hits this year, and remains one of the worst in the league at swinging at pitches outside the strike zone.

Oh, and Jason Bartlett is hitting .358, tenth in the AL. Eff my life.

- In the "About Freaking Time" Category, former West Virginia QB Major Harris was finally elected to the College Football Hall of Fame. Harris is the first guy I remember really capturing my imagination as a kid, and he was the first run/pass dual threat QB I had seen (I was too young to really watch Rickey Foggie). He was just sick, like QB Eagles but in real life. In his three years he finished fifth and third in the Heisman voting, and took WVU to the national championship game in 1988 and may have won it if he hadn't had his shoulder separated on the third play of the game.

Of course, Harris made one of the worst decisions ever in going pro, foregoing his senior season to enter the NFL draft, only to be picked in the 12th round and never even making the team - or any NFL team. He played one season in the CFL and three in the Arena League before calling it quits and is now a High School Assistant Receiver's Coach. But none of that changes the greatness that was Major Harris. Congrats, Major. I salute you.

- I wrote about the Bulls vs. Celtics playoff series before, but this is getting ridiculous. Last night the Bulls beat the Celtics in double-OT to knot the series at 3-3, and every game has been a classic:
Game 1 - Derrick Rose sets a new record for scoring by a rookie in his playoff debut with 36, with the Bulls winning in OT in Boston.
Game 2 - The game I wrote about above, Rajon Rondo goes for a triple-double but is actually overshadowed by the duel between former UCONNers Ben Gordon and Ray Allen, who go for 42 and 30 with Allen hitting the game-winner.
Game 3 - The only non-competitive game is still entertaining because Boston had lost home court advantage, and took it back by beating the Bulls by 20 and reminding them who the defending champion was.
Game 4 - Chicago evens the series with a double OT win thanks to a huge three by Ben Gordon to tie it up in single OT and push it to double, and Rondo puts up his second triple-double of the series in a losing effort.
Game 5 - Boston takes a 3-2 series lead by winning in overtime thanks to Paul Pierce hitting a jumper at the buzzer to tie it up and then taking over in OT.
Game 6 - Chicago evens the series in TRIPLE overtime, despite 51 points from Ray Allen and 19 assists from Rondo, thanks to 35 points from John Salmons and another huge performance from the suddenly emerging Joakim Noah (and check out this play).

Game seven is going to be this Saturday at 7pm. I'm going to be drunk at a cabin, but I suggest you check it out if you can. Look for the Bulls to pull the upset.

- I'm pretty sure Adam Scott is broken. At the Quail Hollow Championship this week, with a world championship type field all in attendance, Scott shot 77-75 to finish at +8 and missed the cut by eight strokes. That makes four straight tournaments where he's failed to make the weekend. He won the Byron Nelson early last season, so he doesn't have to worry about losing his tour card (and has a 2nd place finish at the Sony Open this year anyway, which on it's own has him at 51st on the money list), but he better get things turned around or the sexiest golfer on tour might suddenly go the way of David Duval.

- One dude who I realized I completely forgot in my video mock draft is CB Dave Waymer of the 49ers on Tecmo Super Bowl. No matter what happened, if he was controlled by a human or by the computer, Waymer would end up leading the league in picks - every. single. season. Waymer did have seven picks, third in the league, in 1990 - the season Tecmo Super was based on, but still. Gill Byrd and Martin Mayhew each had seven that season, and I don't remember seeing them always at the top of the leaderboard. Freaking west coast bias.

- And in case you forgot, PANDEMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PANDEMIC!!!

This was supposed to be the night that I got super drunk and blogged funny things, but instead I get hit with the flu which has sapped my will to live. I still have a couple of things to say, and may add to it during the breaks between naps and crying. Also, please pray for Mrs. W, who has the same thing and is stuck at home with a one-year old and nobody to help her out. Oof. God bless that woman.

- Being linked by the best and funniest sports blog out there, WithLeather, is not only an ego boost, but also a traffic boost, as when they linked our Video Game Mock Draft our daily hits were 7.5x higher than a usual day. Thanks again, WithLeather.

- Last night for dinner our group went to a U of Princeton Bar & Grill. There were not equations on the wall and shit.

- At one point in the car I was trying to find a local sports radio station as I usually do, and came across a religious preacherman instead. He said, "I advise teenagers and young people not to date at all. When you are ready for someone, god will give them to you. Spending time in a relationship not given by god is just wasting your time." I love these people.

- Have you ever seen that movie Enough? Me neither, but from what I figured it's about J-Lo who is mad that her husband is beating her up and fights back and probably kills him. That's how I feel about my boyfriend Cole Hamels right now. I gave him everything, forsaking all others, and now how has repaid me? With outright suckitude. He sucked hard in his first two starts, compiling an ERA of 11.17, and although he's been better since, he's also left both of his last two starts early with injuries, first after a line drive hit him in the back and then after rolling his ankle fielding a bunt. This is definitely the part of the movie where I am developing my master plan to kill him to set me free. He can still win me back, but he better be damn charming.

- Now watching the Heat/Hawks game in the hotel bar (while drinking Ginger Ale, pretty much the most depressing thing ever) and I'm seeing Mario Chalmers. Who should have been a Wolf. What a horrible trade. Chalmers averaged 32 minutes, 10 points, and five assists per game and although there's no way he will be rookie of the year since Derrick Rose has that on lock, you could make the argument he's more valuable to the Heat than fellow rookie Michael Beasley (25 minutes, 14 points, 5 boards). Looking at NBADraft.net's latest mock, with the second rounder from Miami (#48, Chalmers was 34) they have the Wolves taking Roderick Flemings from Hawaii (who is my boy but still) with Luke Harangody, JP Prince, and Raymar Morgan as other possibilities. What are the odds those guys come in on Chalmer's level? No way. Just another horrible trade in a long, long list of awful moves.

- Also I should note that it appears the Heat are coached by a hispanic child. Must be some kind of promotion, although I would probably use those in the regular season. Weird time to do it in the playoffs.

- Last thing before I pass out in a swine flu haze: I keep forgetting to post this, but Dawger and I did a little draft of all-time Gopher teams on our road trip to Madison. Which team wins and why? (mid-80s and newer only) -

What the f*ck to do with the lineup...

With Baby Jesus days away from rejoining the team, it is time to think about what to do with the roster and lineup.

The easy assumption is that Jose Morales is going to head back to Rochester.  He appears to be ready for a backup catcher role--his bat looks more than ready for it, but his defense sucks.  There really aren't any other options unless a pitcher is sent down (or released) or the team makes a surprising move like sending Gomez to AAA...I just can't see the Twins doing that.

Now, what about the lineup?  The top four hitters on the team are all left-handed, which creates problems.  In a world without platoon splits, it probably looks something like this:

Span

Mauer

Morneau

Kubel

Crede

Young

Cuddyer

Punto

Casilla

Unfortunately, that lineup begs the other team to put a left-handed pitcher in whenever the top of the order comes up.  As a team, the Twins have a sub-.600 OPS vs. left-handed pitching compared to a .740 vs. right-handers.

Clearly, it would help if the RH hitters in the lineup could get it together...the Crede-Young-Cuddyer triumvirate of suck is creating outs 70%+ of the time.

Gardy's usually predictable, but I have no idea what his lineup will look like this Friday.  Forget moving Mauer to third base, can he learn how to hit right-handed?

Yuck.

Sigh. In New Jersey, once again, for three nights this time and before you ask - "Yes, it sucks." Even worse is that instead of being out here for stupid training I don't need or boring meetings that I'm bored of before I even arrive, I'm out here for a pretty important meeting that I play a pretty large role in. So, drinking will have to be in moderation. Well, until Wednesday night, when the only thing going on Thursday is a flight home - then all bets are off. I'm still bored, and I still have opinions, so I'll be blogging, just don't expect it to be funny or entertaining in any way.

- I'm coming to you live from the bar at the Princeton Marriott, thanks to the wonderful technology that is the Verizon Internet Card, which gives me the slowest internet connection imaginable, but I can get wireless pretty much anywhere, so at least that's something. Of course, no travel-related post would be complete without the story of some idiot, and today's idiot was sitting across the aisle from me on the plane. He is what I like to call, "A Know-It-All." Spent at least half of the flight badgering this poor old woman with facts and opinions about everything and everything, until I though she actually slumped over and died. Turns out she just went to sleep, since she was fine when we landed, but I wouldn't have blamed her for just giving up the ghost. Some gems:
* "I don't understand why these people bring these bags that are too big or bags that are so small. It's not that hard to just buy the biggest bag that will fit in any overhead compartment. That's what I have. I did my research. These people are just ridiculous"
* "I can't believe Northwest agreed to merge with Delta. Just a horrible decision. Here's what I would have done..(blah blah blah). It would have worked too, and they'd still have their airline.
* "No, this isn't a boeing. It's not a (some other name) either. It's actually a (some name). What this plane offers that most others don't is (something something)."
* "My daughter is very well known in figure skating circles. Yeah, she does synchronized figure skating, where all the skaters have to do the same moves at the same time. She's very good." (I can't believe this is a real thing.)
* "Yeah, my boys and I watched a religious video last night about this professor who talks about how evolution is so wrong and it's a huge mistake to believe it. He had a lot of facts and some really compelling points." (That's my favorite. If this guy had lots of compelling facts, I'd really love to hear them, since they don't exist. Always nice to go to an unbiased source like a religious video to get the whole story. I guarantee this guy believes the earth is 6,000 years old. This stuff really makes my blood boil."

- Since I'm in New Jersey and it thinks it's New York, I had a chance to watch Justin Verlander of Detroit throw against the Yankees tonight. Let me tell you, I'm worried for the Twins. The guy looked like the Verlander of 2006-2007 than last year's version. He's been awful this season (came into the game with an ERA of 9.00) but that's not what I saw tonight. Tonight he went 7 innings, giving up seven hits but no runs and striking out nine, and was never in serious danger of giving up a run. Not really sure what has been happening with him, but he was blowing guys away with the heater tonight. Could just be a blip, could mean he's figuring it out again. You've been warned.

- Great line from a Simpsons I watched before dinner.
HOMER: I have to go to work
MARGE: It's 4pm. And it's Saturday.
HOMER: I have to count the atoms at the power plant. Conservation of Mass you know, it's the law.
You kind of have to be a major dork to get it, but if you get it, it's pretty good.

- How bad has the Twins rotation been this year? Oof. And Baker's getting knocked around here again. All that hype about how great this young rotation is going to be, instead they run out there and get firebombed like a stereo store during the Watts riots. And just when Slowey steps up and shows how good he can be with a near-shutout, this season's defacto ace so far, Mr. Perkins, remembers he's not supposed to be that good. It's pretty clearly a shitbarn of a division again this year, and 85 wins or so will probably get it done, but the Twins clearly aren't going to outscore teams very often, so the pitchers have got to get it figured out, and quick. Yes, yes, they're still just a couple games back and the baby jesus hasn't played yet. Great. Optimism abounds.

- Speaking of shitty pitchers, I love how Chien-Ming Wang was put on the DL with "weakness in his hip" after getting shelled for a 34.50 ERA in his three starts. I don't think you're fooling anybody. It's that god damn political correctness. If Wang was a cracker, he'd be getting torn to shreds by fans, media, teammates, bloggers, and anybody with a pulse. But because he's a foreigner, everyone backs off and decides to say he's injured. And with Chan Ho Park, Hideo Nomo, and Byung-Hung Kim all flaming out as well, I think we should just round up all the foreigners in MLB and make them play in their own league and they can work harder at getting better. We could lock them up year round too, while we're at it, so they can work all year. It could be like some kind of camp. A camp for concentration or something.

- Speaking of concentrating, have you checked out Jason "The Man-Beast" Kubel? Let's see, he leads the team in average, slugging, OPS, home runs, doubles, triples, total bases, and runs batted in, and is second in runs scored and on-base percentage. Hm. There's been a curious lack of the Kubel bashing that was so prevalent here last year. Just more proof that you should always listen to me.

- Still on the Twins. Although Joe Crede has been mostly unsuccessful hitting the ball to places where he won't get out, hitting under .200 right now, there has been one very pleasant surprise, and that's in his plate patience. One of the main knocks on getting Crede was his low OBP and walk rate. After posting a career walk rate of 5.9% (walks/plate appearances), he has it up to 12.6% this year and tied for the team lead in walks with 8 so far. That takes his unappetizing average and brings it to a still ugly but slightly more respectable .306 OBP. That's about what Gomez's OBP would be if he hit .300, not very good, but it makes his poor average more tolerable. Hopefully he can keep it up, and also pull his strikout rate down, which is at once per every four at-bats, a career worst and almost double his lifetime average. Still way better than putting Buscher over there every day.

- I went to a whole bunch of garage sales in my parents' neighborhood this weekend, and amongst the creepy, dirty white trash clothes, the suspiciously brand new clothes with retail store price tags still on them, broken lawn equipment, crappy romance novels, and discarded children's toys, I found a real gem: The 1993 Sports Illustrated Almanac. This would be the part where I would regale you with facts you don't remember and players you had forgotten, but it's been two days and I already lost the damn thing.

- I know people who read things that other people write like to know more about them, and since you all know so much about me already, I thought I'd let you know that our main hockey guy here, Snake's favorite book is called "On the Wings of a North Wind." It appears to be about birds, and I'm not kidding, it's his favorite book. You know what book I would rather read than that? All of them. Any single one. If nothing else Snake, you're consistent. If you're into that kind of thing, and are a redneck hunter (sorry FishingMN), you can pick it up from that link at just $5.49 for a used copy. I'm already thinking about it.

- Since I have a big day tomorrow, I'm going to call it here. I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow.

Baseball Season has Officially Arrived

Relax, everyone, it's finally here. The first Yankees-Red Sox series of the year, which means baseball has now started and nothing else matters (except for the NFL draft, which warrants a ridiculous 20 hours of coverage).

Seriously ESPN, lay off a bit, it's embarrassing. This isn't the Bosnians and the Serbs here, and it isn't a war, it's just baseball. Plenty of other teams out there playing too.

On the other hand...

DWG: NFL Mock Draft

Hey, everybody else is doing mock drafts. I figured I might as well take my limited knowledge of the NFL and give it a shot as well.


1. Detroit Lions - QB Eagles, Super Tecmo Bowl.
It's not secret the Lions are lacking playmakers outside of Calvin Johnson, so why not go with maybe the best playmaker of all-time in QB Eagles? He can throw it over 100 yards on the run and hit his receiver in-stride (just ask Freddy Barnett), or he can tuck it down and break a long one on any play. Even with that supporting cast 4,000 yards passing and 2,000 rushing isn't out of the question.

2. St. Louis Rams - OT Walter Jones, Madden.
Everything I've read, which amounts to one article on ESPN, says that offensive line is a massive weakness here, especially with Orlando Pace gone. Why not take the best offensive lineman in Madden history? This guy was ranked a 99 for like ten straight years, and you could pick him in a fantasy draft and ignore the rest of your line, then just call a HB Dive over his right shoulder and bust off a big gainer. Look for Steven Jackson to be a super stud this year running behind Jones.

3. Kansas City Chiefs - RB Bo Jackson, Super Tecmo Bowl.
The Chiefs get lucky with the top talent on the board falling to number three. With Larry Johnson dead or released or injured or maybe still there but all broken down (I don't really remember) Bo injects some new life while opening things up for Thigpen and Dwayne Bowe. Plus, the Royals are always in need of another power-hitting outfielder.

4. Seattle Seahawks - RB Barry Sanders, Madden.
Another team looking for a RB and playmaker, Barry is a nice consolation prize after just missing out on Bo. Barry was a stud throughout his lifetime, but specifically in one of the earlier Maddens, where his spin move didn't just shake a defender, it also would carry him an automatic five extra yards forward. I'm pretty sure just that spin move would be the longest run Mo Morris or TJ Duckett managed for the Hawks last year.

5. Cleveland Browns - OLB Lawrence Taylor, Tecmo Bowl.
One of the worst defenses in the league, and maybe history, gets a huge boost with one man coke-snorting wrecking crew LT coming into the fold at the height of his coke binge. Who else could block the extra point every time, or blow up just about any play? Single-handedly won many a Tecmo game, because that offense was terrible.

6. Cincinnati Bengals - S Ronnie Lott, Tecmo.
Historically, safeties don't go this early. But historically, safeties don't wreck as much shit as Ronnie Lott did, both on Tecmo and Super Tecmo bowl. If he gets EXCELLENT status, look the hell out because your running back won't even get the chance to get into a little tussle to try to break the tackle, you're going straight down. And go ahead and try and put the ball in the air anywhere near him, he's coming down with it. For a shitty defensive team like the Bengals, this guy is gold.

7. Oakland Raiders - WR Randy Moss, NCAA Football.
You know Oakland likes to make a splash, and Moss is perfect for them - at least this version of Moss. Not the Madden one, but the one who played for Marshall on NCAA football. Completely unstoppable, send him deep and he'd usually have ten yards on the DB by the time the ball got there. Plus, let him return punts and he can just run from side to side, never advancing but never getting tackled. Imagine how well that would work if you force the other team to punt down seven with five minutes left. BALLGAME.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars - WR Jerry Rice, Tecmo Bowl.
A team in desperate need of a wideout even after signing Torry Holt earlier this week, Rice fits in perfectly. All you have to do is send him on a crossing route, and if the other team happens to have guessed your play, you can still hit him over the middle for eight yards. Eight yards over and over again will eventually equal a TD, so now the Jags just got unstoppable. Could have gone over Moss, but go ahead and look at that picture. F you, Jerry. F You for what you have become.

9. Green Bay Packers - DE/OLB Alfred Williams, Bill Walsh College Football.
My ESPN article says the Pack needs a DE/OLB type hybrid, and nobody fits the bill better than Alfred Williams from '90 Colorado on Bill Walsh. Williams played DE on that game, and if you slid him outside the tackle a couple of steps there wasn't a single O-Lineman who could get out there and block him, since his speed was on par with a RB. In fact, he was so fast that he could often recover an onside kick IN THE AIR. No kidding. One of only two guys on the game who could. Talk about an unstoppable weapon.

10. San Francisco 49ers - QB Daunte Culpepper, NCAA Football.
One of the worst offenses in the league gets a whole lot better with a dynamic QB under center. Culpepper, the one from NCAA and Central Florida, was one of the most unstoppable characters in history. A slightly more realistic version of QB Eagles, nonetheless he could run around in the pocket and never be caught, giving his receivers time to run around and get open. He then could, of course, throw the ball right on the nuts, even though he was sprinting around and half the time had his back turned. He makes Frank Gore obsolete however, so look for a trade.

11. Buffalo Bills - DT Jerry Ball, Super Tecmo Bowl.
Buffalo needs some serious help for a horrible, horrible defensive line, and Jerry Ball fits the bill. The originator of the only play ever to completely make teams change playbooks, on certain plays (usually out of the pro set) Ball could dive immediately after the snap, going right between the center and guard, and sliding six yards into the backfield to either sack the QB or take down the RB right after the handoff. Truly a game-changer.

12. Denver Broncos - QB Michael Vick, Madden.
With Cutler gone, you don't want to turn the keys over to Orton because that has disaster written all over it. Instead, go with the guy who made 8,000 people quit in the middle of online Madden games. Seriously, if you went online to play, I swear 90% of players were using the Falcons and Vick, whose pass and run combination was only behind QB Eagles and the NCAA version of Culpepper in terms of completely devastating and demoralizing an opponent. Plus, Denver doesn't have any running backs either, so this makes sense to both give them a passer (which he was on the game for some inexplicable reason) and a running threat.

13. Washington Redskins - CB Chris McAlister, Madden.
I believe the Redskins are currently starting Fred Smoot at corner (Fred Smoot!) which makes picking up a corner here a no-brainer. You can't do much better than McAlister, who used to sit in that cover two and just wait for your opponent to throw the out route, and even if the receiver was ten yards passed him he always managed to leap up and grab it. The way Madden set it up, after the pick it was always smooth and wide open sailing for a McAlister TD. It got so bad at one point I actually felt bad for the computer. Until the next time it cheated.

14. New Orleans Saints - RB Christian Okoye, Tecmo Super Bowl.
Saints fans sick of the commitment to third-down-back-at-best-should-be-a-WR Reggie Bush can rejoice, as NO finally gets the manly running back they deserve in the Nigerian Nightmare. Seriously, remember when Okoye was EXCELLENT and instead of going for the endzone you'd just look for little bitch defenders to send bouncing? It didn't get much better than that, my friends. And it's ok that he can't catch, since it's pretty much the only thing Bush can do well. It's kind of like Thunder and Lightning, but more like Thunder and low-wattage Light Bulb.

15. Houston Texans - OL Indianapolis Colts, Madden 2009.
I know you're generally not allowed to draft an entire unit, but since the Texans have given up more sacks in their history than any other franchise, I'm going to go ahead and allow it. Usually on Madden, if you need to blitz you go ahead and use Engage Eight, which sends eight of your guys at the QB, is unblockable, and the only way you get burned is if your opponent sees it and hits somebody on a quick hitter. Not the Colts. Somehow their five guys can block eight guys, and Manning sits back and has his pick of five receivers vs. three DBs. That should help out Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson quite a bit.

16. San Diego Chargers - OT Willie Roaf, Madden.
Similar to Walter Jones way up there, Roaf was rated a 99 for a whole lot of years, and generally just overwhelmed the left side of the line. I just so happened to once team up LT and Roaf in a Madden draft, and LT proceeded to rush for over 2,500 yards that season. So, there you go.

17. New York Jets - RB/LB/DT/TE The Troll, Jerry Glanville's Pigskin Footbrawl.
The Jets need a little bit of everything, and The Troll does a little bit of everything. Unstoppable with the ball, he can get the Jets offense going as he's pretty much an Okoye/Bo Jackson cross if their abilities were squared, and on defense he can rip the arms off an offensive lineman and beat the QB to death with them. I mean come on, not even axes and swords can stop this guy. Truly a steal at #17. Look at this beast:

18. Denver Broncos - DE Hugh Green, Bill Walsh.
Didn't Denver just pick? Well, they got their QB and now it's time to work on the D-Line. Green played for Pitt on Bill Walsh College Football, and everything written above about Alfred Williams applies to him as well, except he pretty much guarantees you a recovered onside kick. Denver could be winning games without the other team every touching the ball.

19. Tampa Bay Bucs - TE Marv Cook, Tecmo Super Bowl.
Tampa has a lot of needs, but there's no way this guy can slip any further, and his pass-catching ability will compliment the dropsies of Michael Clayton (not the crappy movie) and Antonio Bryant well. Nobody was better at finding the cushion of a zone. No matter how late you got in the Tecmo season, Cook could always get open. Even with the noodle-armed Steve Grogan running the QB show for the Pats, he set the all-time record for catches in a season. Really just a solid, solid pick here for the Bucs.

20. Detroit Lions - OT Billy Bob, West Canaan Coyotes.
Not technically a video game character, the Lions now need someone to protect their investment in QB Eagles, and since I can only come up with two dominant video game linemen (Jones & Roaf), I have to think outside the box a bit here. But who wouldn't want Billy Bob? Pre-concussion, he was a dominant force, able to block two players at once and pancaking both of them and helping lead Lance Harbor to back-to-back All-Texas berths and West Canaan to two state titles. After his concussion he went through a rough patch, giving up the sack that ended Harbor's career and battling his own demons of alcoholism and depression, he could have become the next Tony Mandarich. Instead, he reached down within himself and became once again what he once was, as well as showing the tantalizing ability to run with the ball, making him not only an A+ offensive lineman and a tough, gritty, gutty human being, but also a stellar goalline fullback as well. Who could be better?

21. Philadelphia Eagles - RB Charles White, Bill Walsh.
Poor widdle Brian Westbrook can't ever stay healthy for a full season, and really needs a quality dude to split time with. Enter his perfect compliment, 1979 Heisman Trophy winner from USC and Bill Walsh stud Charles White. Now, White could never hold down a full-time gig, because he gets too tuckered. You see, on his first rush of the half, every single game, White was so fast he couldn't be caught, and if he was caught his spin move would send the defender flying further than Sonic with the badniks. But that was it. One guaranteed TD per half, and then he was spent and worthless, so much so that you pretty much had to pull him for that slacker Marcus Allen. Still though, since he'll only have to split time with Westbrook, this makes a lot of sense.

22. Minnesota Vikings - QB Beau Morgan, NCAA.
The defense is fine, but the offense needs some serious work. Strengths = good o-line, good TE, good fullback, and two good running backs. Weaknesses = no receivers, bad QBs. Solution = wishbone, baby. And nobody ever ran it better than Air Force Beau Morgan on NCAA football. You scoff. You laugh. You say, "You can't run the wishbone in the NFL." But you're wrong. Did you notice how this "wildcat" offense really caught on? The wishbone is the next wildcat, and it all starts with the Vikes and Morgan, AP, Chuck Taylor, and whoever that fullback is.

23. New England Patriots - QB Brian Brohm, Madden 2009.
You know who always finds the diamonds in the rough? Belicheck and the Patriots. And before you question why Brohm is a diamond in the rough, keep in mind that I'm talking about Madden 2009 Brohm, not the one who played for Louisville. The reason why he belongs on the Pats is that he might not have the prettiest ratings, but he's a winner. I saw Bogart draft Brohmy in a fantasy draft on 2009, and he went ahead and took that team to the conference championship in his first year and I foresee great things in his future. And Belicheck wants to be along for the ride.

24. Atlanta Falcons - DT Dan Saleumua, Tecmo Super Bowl.
What Jerry Ball created (nose tackle cheater dive play), Dan Saleumua perfected. He's much faster than Ball, and can usually get to the QB before he can even handoff on the right plays. The other bonus about Samoan Dan is his propensity to cause fumbles. Even better, when he recovers them, he inexplicably runs faster than any other player at any position on any team ever in history, and is completely uncatchable. Seriously, if you take KC for a season you are pretty much guaranteed to have this guy hit for six. Plus, jesus, look at this effing guy.

25. Miami Dolphins - S David Fulcher, Tecmo Super Bowl.
The only other DB behind Lott who can make any ballcarrier, even Okoye, go down with a touch when in EXCELLENT mode, Fulcher will dramatically upgrade a Dolphin secondary in dire need of a playmaker. This quote from Wikipedia says the rest better than I ever could, "Fulcher lives on in the minds of Bengals fans, and through the popular video game Tecmo Super Bowl, where his speed and incredible hitting power continue to devastate unsuspecting wide receivers." Holla.


26. Baltimore Ravens - RB Thurman Thomas, Tecmo Super Bowl.
A team in desperate need of a playmaker, and has been for like, twenty years, the Ravens find themselves very smiley when they announce their pick of Thurman Thomas. Basically Roger Craig 2.0 (but faster), Thomas can kill you through the air and the ground. The biggest threat on Tecmo Super Bowl to go for the coveted 1,000/1,000 mark, Thomas will likely touch the ball on 90%+ of offensive plays the Ravens run.

27. Indianapolis Colts - DT Charles Grant, Madden.
This guy doesn't necessarily have the instant name recognition and memory recall that most of the others have, but trust me when I tell you that he dominated Madden in the early OOs. Grant was the kind of guy who, at least whenever my friend 2P drafted him, dominated no matter the scenario. Whether the games were simulated, or he played but didn't control Grant, or even if he controlled Grant, it didn't matter - the dude killed. It sucked double because 2P sucked at Madden, but Grant really helped him out - as he will the Colts.

28. Buffalo Bills - TE Cap Boso, Tecmo Bowl.
With Terrell Owens now on board, that's going to open up a lot of room in the middle - and we know Lee Evans isn't going anywhere near it - so that makes a nice TE like Boso a perfect pick for the Bills. He's not exactly going to stretch the field in any way, but if you ever played against Chicago on Tecmo Bowl you know that no matter what, even if you guess the play, you can hit Boso over the middle on a slant every single time. With a shitty QB like Trent Edwards, you really need reliability like that.

29. New York Giants - MLB Ray Lewis, Madden.
As good as Lewis was in real life - at linebackering, not at killing people - he was even better in Madden. For a solid nine year stretch or so there, he had the speed of a WR and the strength of an offensive lineman, to go along with the intelligence that only comes from a CPU who already knows the play you picked. It sucked hard going up against this guy. Your only chance was to hope the dude you were playing would switch to him, because you can always juke the manual control, but you can never juke a CPU controlled Ray Lewis.

30. Tennessee Titans - WR Haywood Jeffires, Tecmo Super Bowl.
In reality, I'd probably want a QB if I'm here, because the Titans' choices right now are either captain shitty or professor old man, but I can't think of another QB who really stood out, so I'm going to go with another position they need - wideout. Now, the Oilers were loaded with talent at WR, and Drew Hill had better ratings, and Ernest Givens has more name recognition, but Jeffires was the true killer in Tecmo world. Nobody came down with more jump balls than Haywood. Pretty much anytime you needed to, just call the play where everybody goes deep, drop back as far as you can, and chuck it up to Jeffires - he'd come down with it more often than not. Since Kerry Cocktail can't throw it deeper than 30, this might be Bogart's guy Vince Young's last chance to shine.

31. Arizona Cardinals - RB Neal Anderson, Tecmo Super Bowl.
With Edge old and all weird, and nobody really ready to take up the mantle, most certainly not JJ Arrington, so the best RB left makes a nice pick in Neal from the Bears. He was always good no matter what, but when he hit EXCELLENT status he made Bo Jackson look like Merrill Hoge. He can also catch the ball, which makes him a nice fit for the pass happy Cards, but I can't help wondering how he's going to fare without his boyfriend Brad Muster along to help anymore.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers - CB Marcus Trufant, Madden.
I team with no major weaknesses, the Steelers get better by adding one of the great CBs in video game history in Trufant. I know there are guys with better rankings, and guys who are more well known, but I have never in my video game life seen a guy shut down a side of a field more completely than Trufant. Seriously, the last time I played against him I knew how the coaches that go up against Champ Bailey feel. Of course, the other side was like throwing against Fred Smoot, but that's not really the point.


So there you have it. The first ever NFL Mock Draft I've ever done. I'm sure I missed one or two people who could have made it, and I'm sure you will all let me know, but overall I'm pretty satisfied with the results. I mean come on! Who wouldn't want to see the wishbone? And a troll for god sakes! A Troll!!!!!!!!!