Thursday, June 17, 2010

Can You Feel the Excitement?

NBA Finals, Game 7.  It feels like it's been a while since we've had one of these, or at least one between teams that mattered.  See, I generally always watch the NBA Playoffs (although I skip the regular season), but I wouldn't say I really ever get excited for them - more like "interested."  I would say my usual level of excitement for them is somewhere between waiting in line at the DMV and watching an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for the 800th time (unless it's the one with the dragon, that one rocks).  So why do I watch every year?  I guess I'm waiting to get excited.

As you can then imagine, I'm pretty thrilled that my current level of excitement has reached "hearing the ice cream man's bell" levels going into this game.  If we get something good here, I'm hoping to at least approach "Audrina just asked me to join her in the shower" levels.  At this point I don't really even care who wins (although I'd prefer the Celtics, and I'd prefer Ray Allen win the MVP at 8-1), I just want a good, exciting game.  Hopefully somebody will hit a big shot with time winding down in the fourth or a buzzer beater of some kind.  I'll even take a big shot by Kobe, even though he's pretty much a dickmitten.  I just want to see something good.

This won't be a live blog of the game per se, but I'll be watching and tossing out random thoughts as I think of them.  Try to stay with me here.

8:44 1Q - Lakers are looking to pund it low to Gasol and Bynum.  That is a really good strategy, which means bad news for the Celtics.  And by the way, I am no longer rooting for a close game if i tmeans the Lakers win.  It took 3 minutes of watching Kobe, who is now whining about a Rondo foul, to hate them again.

6:54 1Q - I love how they're playing Kobe.  Ray Allen playing tough, in-your-face one-on-one, and they're doubling him every time.  But they aren't sending the double until he puts it on the floor and starts his move.  He seems to be in "I'm Michael Jordan" mode tonight, and he's taking his sweet time getting a shot up so teh double is really affecting him.  He's like, 0-3 with couple turnovers already, and the last time down he tried a turnaround fade-away with both Pierce and Allen on him from about 18 feet and hit the top of the backboard.  I love it.

5:10 1Q - Wallace out for Boston, Glen Davis in.  This is where it gets interesting, because Davis can't score on Bynum, and he can't stop Bynum.  Due to Bynum's knee injury though, he can only play limited minutes.  I'm a little surprised Rivers is going to Davis already, but I guess with Wallace's bad back and explosive temper you have to pick your spots.

3:52 1Q - Kobe ended up on KG on a switch, fell asleep, and gave up an easy alley-oop dunk.  He's really not having a very good first quarter.  If this double-teaming defense can frustrate him and get in his head, this could get ugly for the Lakers.

1:36 1Q - My bad, Glen Davis now has 6 points in about 3 minutes, all against either Bynum or Gasol.  Now Odom's in.  He's a huge key for LA.  If he's dialed in, he can destroy either Davis or Wallace.  If he's just floating around, dreaming about candy and women who are built like men, he's going to get killed by either of them.

0:00 1Q - 23-14 Celtics after one.  Really couldn't have gone much better.

10:43 2Q - Rondo takes a jumper from the elbow and misses.  They're going to give him that shot for infinity and if he can't make them pay it's going to be tough for the Celtics to win.  He's got to be able to hit that shot.

9:24 2Q - The Lakers have 12 offensive rebounds already, and they're still down 4 after scoring the first five of this half.  Incredible.  Celtics are playing amazing defense, but just can't get the rebound.

8:44 2Q - So I have some bad news.  It seems my body can no longer handle jalapenos.  At work the cafeteria has an awesome taco salad, but it's best with jalapenos and this jalapeno salsa.  But it destroys me.  Like, it wrecks my whole night and I can barely walk by the end of the evening.  I've tried with just jalapenos and no salsa, and with just salsa and no actual jalapenos, but no matter what I almost die every time.  That is not an exaggeration.  It's similar to taking a bunch of Taco Bell's fire sauce, dumping them into a shot glass, sprinkling Ex-Lax on top, and then using it wash down a meal of White Castle and fire.

6:34 2Q - Ray Allen can no longer shoot.  This is the most depressing thing I've ever seen.  It's like in Superman II, when Superman decides he loves Lois Lane so much that he gives up his powers for her for some stupid reason (probably because all women are evil) and then they go to that diner and he gets beaten up by that hick guy who probably loves "muddin'" in his crappy jeep. 

8:18 2Q - And we're tied.  9 straight for LA.

4:22 2Q - Artest seems to be under the impression that he can shoot.  That is good news for the Celtics.  At this point he's like the guy at open gym who got lucky and hit a couple of threes one day, so now he's convinced he's a shooter, and so you just dare him to shoot and it's like watching Snake and Dawger play a game of HORSE.  Clang clang clang.

2:48 2Q - Wow does Derek Fisher whine.  WonderbabyTM whines less when you take away her little fairy wand.  I mean baseball.  Her baseball.

1:22 2Q - Artest goads Pierce into a double-technical.  Not smart - at all - by Pierce.

0:41 2Q - I'm not sure who these announcers are, but one of them has the exact cadence of Trent Tucker.  It's awesome.  "What the Timba-wooves need to do hea, is take the the bas-ket."  Also I think I lied, this is definitely a live blog.  I didn't mean it.

HALF -  Celtics up 40-34.  In a game this ugly, it's easy to expect the Lakers to kick it in gear in the second half, but that would be discounting the Celtics incredible defense.  It would be like blaming the Twins for only scoring 1 run against Ubaldo Jimenez this afternoon instead of crediting his pitching.  What's that?  Mauer sat out because he "took too many foul tips?"  That can't be possible.  I don't believe you.  That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.  It's far too preposterous to be true.  That would mean Butera, Valencia, Punto, and Tolbert all would have had to play against Ubaldo.  They did?  Wow.  I gotta say, in that case scoring 1 run is basically a victory, no?

10:55 3Q - Allen misses again.  I'm going to go ahead and consider that MVP bet a loss.  Damn dude. Big State will never want you now.

10:30 3Q - Kobe launches one from about 6 feet behind the three-point line.  Getting desperate, and activating Chucker ModeTM despite the fact that he can't get any open looks. Maybe Allen needs to be considered for MVP after all.

9:45 3Q - Celtics up 11 now after a Rondo floater.  Also we have Tornado and Thunderstorm warnings all over the place tell you to "take shelter in a structure that is not a mobile home."  Sorry Nickelback fans.

8:20 3Q - 49-36 Celtics, and Rondo has the MVP sewn up if Boston doesn't blow this.  And what's funny about that, is if the Lakers were up 13 right now, I'd be tempted to just turn the game off and chalk up as a win for evil (like Empire Strikes Back).  But it's so hard to believe the Lakers won't make a run, so I'm actually nervous for Boston.  Like right there Ray Allen threw a pass that was intercepted by Derek Fisher.  Do you know how terrible a pass has to be to be intercepted by Derek Fisher?  Let me put it this way, it would take Brett Favre's career-worth of Brooks Bollinger playing QB to have Fisher pick one off.  Also, related - hey Pete Rose of basketball - go ahead and hang 'em up anytime.

7:34 3Q - Wait, the NBA draft is next Thursday already?  Awesome.  That is always a fun time.

6:20 3Q - Gasol can't guard KG.  That's at least the third time KG has just blown by him from the perimeter.  God damn I still love that insane mofo.  I'm willing to bet at least 50 bucks he's killed somebody at some point.  Also mini-Laker run, lead down to 6.

3:25 3Q - Rasheed has been ridiculously good tonight.  This would be like if Adam Morrison came off the Lakers bench and hit a bunch of threes.  Admit it, you giggled thinking of Morrison.

2:12 3Q - Ray Allen with a huge steal against Kobe.  Man, if he was playing any offense at all he'd have MVP wrapped up thanks to some pretty incredible defense on Kobe in the series, particularly in the fourth quarters.  I don't know what the numbers are, but he's been awful in fourth quarters.  Hopefully that continues.

1:24 3Q - Allen now 1-9.  Other than his monster game 2 and a good game 6, he's been brutal.  Time to bring it in Q4.  Luckily Kobe is 5-20.  I hated Jordan, but anybody who compares Kobe to him ever again should probably just have their throat ripped out, Dalton-style.

0:00 3Q - C's up 57-53.  Best replay ever is Garnet screaming "mother fu...." right after scoring on Gasol and right before ABC cut away.  Very nice.  Pretty sure this one is coming down to whoever decides to actually make shots, Ray Allen or Kobe.  Fingers crossed for Ray.

Also what happened to Heath Slocum?  The guy was looking like a genius longshot pick, and now I look and he's at +4.  Which is 3 shots better than my pick to win, since Hunter Mahan shot a 78!  And Ben Crane, maybe the hottest golfer on the planet, shot an 80!  Good god, and 80!  I thought this US Open would be a little more reasonable since it was at Pebble.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  I'm betting -4 ends up taking this thing in the end.  Hopefully it ends up being Karlsson or Furyk.

10:22 4Q - Pierce making some horrendous decisions when it comes to shot selection.  Honest to god it's like Pierce and Kobe are filming a Bad Idea JeansTM commercial. "Normally I wear protection, but I figured, when am I going to be in Haiti again?"

8:23 4Q - Allen with a floater over two Lakers to put the Celtics up 61-58.  Maybe that's the shot he needs to get going.  Come on Jesus.  I love you Jesus.

7:13 4Q - Kobe actually has sex with Ray Allen as he goes up for a jumper.  When he's called for the foul, he reacts as I'm sure O.J. did when they told him he was accused of murder.  One difference:  Kobe was guilty, while O.J. was innocent.

5:56 4Q - Tied at 64.  Kobe heading to the line.  I don't like where this is going.  Celtics offense has disappeared.  Come on, Ray.  This is sick.

5:56 4Q - I thought about it, and even though it's over, I'm going to tell my wife about the afffair.

5:33 4Q - Allen misses another jumper.  Kobe hits one on the other end.  Lakers by four.  This feels over.  I also think Mark Jackson (announcing the game) is likely retarded in some fashion.

5:33 4Q -  They use an Eminem song in the trailer for the video game Call of Duty?  I....I....I....I literally can't think of anything to say.  I am completely stupified right now.  Completely.

Well, he's an ex free-base addict, and he's trying to turn it around, and he needs a place to stay for a couple of months.

4:38 - I don't mean to sound like some crybaby chowderhead or anything, but the refs are clearly handing this to LA at this point.

4:13 -  Allen with a missed layup.  Jesus.

3:05 -  You can really tell the Lake show is feeling it.  They're playing better defense now than they have all game.  Three point Laker lead, Gasol going to the line.  Hopefully the Lakers win by less than seven.

2:20 - Lakers up 74-68, and they've made about 20 free throws thsi quarter.  Thanks refs.  Lakers up 32-15 in free throw attemps.  I don't even know why I watch this crap.  Let's all cheer ourselves up for a moment:

Better?  Better.

1:30 - Ballgame.

1:23 -  Rasheed 3 pointer.  76-73.  Interesting. 

1:01 -  Artest with a 28-footer.  Clearly it's meant to be.  Or, Allen answers with a three.  Crazy right now.  Like a typical sorority after I show up. 

0:26 - Kobe misses a three, but Gasol with the rebound and Kobe ends up getting fouled.  As was clear early, LA offensive boards are the key.  Fuck this sucks.  I really hate that guy.  Congrats David Stern.  No matter how much you orchestrate it ( and the refs made it clear their was a mandate) this dickmitten will never be another Jordan.  And I hated Jordan. 

0:00 - Gay.


Anonymous said...

Come 4th quarter bring it to The Ticket. Or not, if you do, I'll look to pass it immediately, cause I'm not so much into that whole "climb on my back boys" thing.

WWWWWW - Haven't you found his whole alpha dog (but really a great second fiddle) routine just a little nauseating throughout his career?

WWWWWW said...

He has never had the skill set to be an alpha dog on the court, but was forced into an alpha dog role due to his contract and tried to play it as best he could. I don't have a problem with it.