'Sup nerds? It's been a while since I've done on of these, and the people seem to be clamoring for one, so it's time to fire up the Movie Live Blog-inator and watch some crap. I think most of the recent ones I've done have either been about a giant something, a mix of two things, or a vs. type movie, so this time I'm going to go back to my cruel mistress - the shark. That's right, we're going to watch Swamp Shark, which I assume is about a shark in the swamp and not about some kind of mutant monster something. Which is good. Plus, Kristy Swanson. Not when she was fat. Or at least I assume not because who would put her in a movie? Even a SyFy movie? Nobody, that's who, so I'm betting she's hot again. Let's find out! The tension is so thick you could cut it with a Justin Morneau flail at a ball down and away in the dirt for strike three swing.
- Whoa, D.B. Sweeney too? This is like a murderous row of awesome people. Naturally, I will be referring to him as Shoeless Joe throughout this movie. And of course Swanson will be Buffy.
- So we have water, alligators, black people, and harmonica music. I'm going to guess the Bayou because of course. All we need is a crawfish boil. Or broil. I'm not sure, what am I, cajun?
- Speaking of cajun, you know what I hate? When you look up a recipe to make cajun something or other and one of the main ingredients is "cajun spice". WTF is that shit? Anybody can dump "cajun seasoning" on something and call it cajun, I want to make it with real spices like paprika and cumin and coriander and stuff like it. Bunch of lazy bastards.
- The sign on the sheriff who just broke up the "Back to the Bayou" party's car says he is from Cypress Lake Parish and I'm pretty sure Louisiana is the only state that uses that weird parish thing so I'm sticking with Louisiana. Also this sheriff seems shady and like he's up to no good, and not just because he's a minority.
- This is a weird scene to describe, but some dude just showed up with a big tanker truck and told the sheriff "damn thing killed half my crew before I got it in the tank" and then "you pay me to find exotic animals so pay me" and then he did and then the thing in the tanker somehow made it fall off the truck where it rolled into the lake/sea/ocean/river and sank about five feet off shore into what must have been the world's steepest drop-off. Then we saw a shark's dorsal fin swimming away. Not an ideal start.
- In a new wrinkle, Kristy Swanson, clearly the heroine, is the owner of a restaurant rather than a sheriff or game warden or anything along those lines. This might be the first time that's happened in one of these.
- The restaurant is gator themed. I know this because they've said the word "gator" at least 30 times in the last 3 minutes. And also they fed the gators some chicken.
- They just arrested the gatorstraunt's bouncer for punching a belligerent drunk who swung first. That can't be right. Ah I see. Sheriff guy is trying to get in Buffy's pants so he's putting the squeeze on her because the bouncer is her brother. She agrees to a date (even though she has a boyfriend duh duh duh) and he lets the brother go. I like the way this guy operates. Pity usually works too, but black mail is pretty solid.
- Went out for Snacks birthday dinner tonight. Had a nice little filet mignon with roasted potatoes and a greek salad that had not nearly enough kalamata olives. Went with the calamari and garlic bread for appetizers and I almost got my daughter to try calamari by telling her it was a mini onion ring but she didn't buy it probably because she watched the Octonauts all the time. Pretty cool show.
- Nighttime. That same drunk from earlier, still drinking, is stumbling around on the docks. Wonder what's going to happen. Also I still don't know if this water is a lake or the ocean or something else. THANKS FOR ALL THE INFO.
- Oh and what appears to be a shark killed him by ramming the dock he was standing on because of course that's something sharks do. Buffy heard the noise and went running out with a gun to protect I don't know something and for some reason she apparently sleeps in some kind of weird house dress or something a grandma from the 40s would wear. Perfect opportunity to show off her sexiness and they blow it. Thanks again, movie. I mean yeah, she's a little bit older and a little bit heavier than her glory days of maxim and playboy, but she's still got it - or at least some of it.
|These glory days.|
- So the shark ate Buffy's show gators. And apparently this is a fresh water swamp because her boyfriend is making fun of her and telling her she's crazy and stupid and stuff like that. Nice guy. I have a crazy feeling she'll end up with Shoeless Joe.
- The sheriff is laughing at her now too. Nobody believes poor Buffy and her tales of the swamp shark. Except for this one nerd who keeps saying "Bull Sharks can live in fresh water for up to 3 weeks" which is actually true and is really quite shocking because these movies never, ever get the science right. Hopefully this actually turns out to be a bull shark (a bull shark that rams docks for no reason, but still a bull shark) rather than some kind of mutant or monster or something.
- So, and this seems totally plausible, apparently her gators all had microchips implanted so she could know where they were at all times. You know where you'd go to find out where the gators are? Gator Locator Online, duh.
- The chick playing Swanson's little sister looks exactly like what Kristy Swanson's little sister should look like. Perfect casting.
- Buffy, her a-hole boyfriend, and her gigantic brother are going shark hunting but then Shoeless Joe shows up with like a crossbow gun or something and says "I'm coming with you" and Buffy's like "no you aren't" so then Shoeless takes out his crossbow gun (like Chewbecca's thing but real) and turns and shoots a tree and everybody is impressed but there are like, a shit load of trees where they are and he never said which one he was shooting at so he could have just shot at random and hit a tree and they're like whoa. Pretty smart on his part though.
- This is absolutely awesome and hilarious and makes complete sense, all at the same time! A triple threat. Just like Elliott Elliason.
- They found the transmitters but they aren't in the sharks belly anymore because apparently sharks crap which I suppose they must but man, I have to admit I've never really thought about it. Then shoeless, Buffy, and the giant all take a shot at the shark while it's charging the boat because this shark is super rammy and stuff. They all miss, to which Buffy says, "It didn't even flinch" which makes sense since it's a shark and thus doesn't have the brain capacity to understand the concept of guns so when you miss it's probably not really going to notice. Then they left. Yeah I don't know.
- Uh oh, it's a party boat and everybody is drunk and making out. You know what that means.
- So this couple on the party boat "wanted more privacy" to go do it and their answer is to leave the huge party boat, which looks like it probably has tons of bedrooms, and steal somebody's row boat and do it in a super uncomfortable shitty boat. Even though the chick is pretty hot I hope they get eaten out of stupidity. Plus the black dude's name is Marcus. Talk about stereotyping.
- The shark rammed their boat. This shark likes ramming things like a fat kid loves cake.
- Shoeless fixed their boat which apparently got injured, while Buffy's boyfriend is some kind of pretty boy nancy pants with nice nails and good hair and side burns who probably has never fixed anything ever. You see where this is going. While Buffy just laid one on Shoeless that was like whoa so I guess we're all done with that subplot. Except obviously the bitchy boyfriend is going to end up like, I don't know, telling the shark where Shoeless lives or something.
- Sweet, there are sunflower seeds here and they're in the drawer right next to me, I don't have to get up or nothin'. Feels like I won the lottery. Speaking of the lottery, remember last season when I won 50 Gopher 5 tickets at the Northwestern game? Well, you couldn't get more than 1 per visit to a place per day (I got 50 coupons for free tickets, not actually tickets) so I had to just keep getting them every time I stopped somewhere and I just kept them together and never checked them. Then I lost them all not long after I cashed in the final coupon. Found them today and checked them all on the website. Total winnings? Four dollars. Thanks a lot, Obama.
- Buffy's little sister has kind of a sweet ass.
- And she's Gary Sinise's daughter. Wow. This is awkward.
- The shark has "an armor-like exoskeleton" which means it's not a bull shark and once again we're looking at something stupid and fake and/or extinct. Awesome. Christ, I almost respect the movie that went with the goblin shark even though they got basically every single scientific fact wrong. At least it was real.
- Shoeless went for a drive and not only did he see the sheriff taking money from some shady guy (and have a sweet ass camera to take pictures of it) but he found half that row boat with half a dead body in it too. That alone should get him in the Hall of Fame.
- Back from commercial and we see a sign for "Gator Fest" being erected, which clearly sets this up for the good guys trying to get the festival canceled "because there's a shark out there" while the mayor and/or sheriff "can't possibly cancel do you have any idea how much money this means to the community." Every time.
- And, well, that'll do it right there. The shark just jumped out of the water and bit the head off some deputy guy who was using his binoculars to spy on this couple having sex (no nudity because it's SyFy, of course). Not that this movie was good, but it wasn't horrible. This, however, is a bit much.
- Oh no, Gary Sinise's daughter came to the party boat. She is good, and they are bad. This is terrible. Does Gary know about this? Does anybody know his phone number? Is he on twitter? Someone has to do something.
@garysinise YOUR DAUGHTER IS ON THE PARTY BOAT AND THERE IS A SHARK IN THE SWAMP!!!!
— Down with Goldy (@DownwithGoldy) February 16, 2013
- Buffy and Shoeless are now viewing the remains of Marcus who got killed in the sexy row boat. But they're viewing them in a hospital or morgue or somewhere official. So how did a restaurant owner and former baseball player get access to these remains? I know, it's stupid to pay any attention to logic or facts. Also stupid? Watching theses movies, period.
- Apparently Shoeless is a "Fish and Game Official." Well alright.
- Holy fuck. Holy shit you guys. OMG. This deputy is Wade Boggs. THIS DEPUTY IS WADE MOTHER EFFING BOGGS. I'm not kidding. This is so awesome.
|You think I'm kidding?|
- Sinise's daughter tried to call Buffy for help because she wants off the party boat which is now drifting aimlessly around the swamp but the drunk dudes didn't much care for that because they threw her cell phone in the swamp which seems like a bit of an overreaction. I'm glad she's trying to get someone to help though, because god knows that fucking bum Sinise isn't coming to her rescue. Guy still hasn't responded to my tweet. Nice father.
- I got distracted a little bit but the guy who threw the cell phone in the water died. And then Gary Sinise's daughter shot off her flair gun, which is probably just a desperate attempt to get her father to notice her. I think it's the pole, next.
- Oh my god Wade Boggs is speaking with a semi-cajun accent. It's actually pretty terrible, but I don't care. This is greatest thing ever. This might be the greatest movie ever and they've only shown the shark once. Maybe those things are correlated.
- This ginger, who was the other dude on the party boat, reaches down to try to untangle the weeds that have entangled the teeny tiny motor that propels this giant boat and, because sharks hate that, the shark ate him. Now there are only two people left on that boat and they're all women so you know they aren't getting out of there without some serious help.
- And on cue, here are our heroes to rescue the girls without incident. Or, it would have been without incident but, and you're never going to believe this, the shark rammed the boat and then ate the asshole boyfriend. No one is sad, but Kristy Swanson has really busted out the cleavage here. Wade Boggs approves.
- Oh my god, Boggs and Shoeless just got in an argument about Lord Palmerstone and Pitt the Elder!! No I'm just kidding, but that'd be pretty sweet. Also I think they established that this is some kind of shark that came up from "the deepest part of the ocean." No notice of the facts that if that was true it likely couldn't survive in shallow water, couldn't survive in fresh water, and no such shark has ever existed. Normally that would piss me off pretty good, but you got Kristy Swanson and Wade Boggs here, so I'm cool with whatever, man.
- For some reason Kristy Swanson's boobs have like, this giant M-16 looking thing.
- The shark ate the corrupt sheriff because of course corrupt sheriff's can't live in these movies. And it ate him by jumping onto land and eating his face off, so now it's like, wriggling around on shore for some reason. This is really god damn stupid.
- Somehow it's back in the water now. I think we might be almost done.
- Shoeless stands in the shallows with his fancy Chewbacca gun and cuts his own hand in order to get blood in the water to attract the shark. Could have just stood on a dock or in a boat, shark'd come to you to get it's ramming fix.
- So shoeless shoots the shark in the face, then while the shark just floats there and does nothing, he runs like 100 yards and throws his gun in the back of one of them cajun'y fan boat hover craft things and as the fan spins it pulls winds the rope and pulls the shark into the fan where it cuts it to pieces. Like I said, pretty god damn stupid.
- In short, that movie was completely terrible. From a science perspective, an entertainment perspective, and a shark perspective it was an utter and colossal failure. But it had Kristy Swanson, who I've always loved, the Shoeless Joe Guy, and Wade Boggs, plus I laughed for like 20 minutes at myself for tweeting Gary Sinise so I give it a solid B+.