Sunday, December 11, 2011

Week in Review - 12/12/2011

There's no Gopher talk below because meh.  I'm sorry, they blew out St. Peter's which is exactly what they're supposed to do.  I just don't care.  I could probably break down all the players' shit or whatever but again, it was against St. Peter's so it's all basically meaningless.  Well not totally meaningless, I mean it's nice to see them work over a shitbox team they way they should so that's encouraging.  And I know this is a Gopher blog and I should write up every single game but in my defense fuck that shit.


1.  Anaheim Angels.  Ok so yeah, the Pujols' contract is probably too long and the C.J. Wilson contract is probably a little much for somebody who hasn't shown he can be a true ace, but the Angels just grabbed the best hitter and best pitcher on the market.  As someone who thinks a team should spend as much as they can and as much as they want to win and doesn't get all revved up about big market vs. small market discrepancies (I don't hate the Yankees and Red Sox because they have more money, I hate them because they're assholes), I think it's an awesome move to say "Yeah, this is probably more than these guys are worth, but we can afford it and it makes us better."  Pretty sweet week to be an Angel fan, and with Pujols, Kendry Morales assuming he's ok, and Mark Trumbo now on board they have a pretty sweet trade chip which, if they're lucky, they can use to also persuade somebody to take Torii Hunter or Vernon Wells' contract.  And now they have Wilson, Dan Haren, and Jered Weaver at the front of the rotation.  Yeah, nice.  I'd say this makes up for the Napoli thing.

2.  Indiana Hoosiers.  Well that was a pretty awesome game.  Huge win for the Hoosiers, and they're definitely on the way back but I'm not convinced they're good.  I mean really they shouldn't even have won that game but John Calipari was too busy counting his illegal monies to actually coach.  Do you realize Indiana was down 2 with 6 seconds left and Kentucky had TWO fouls to give.  So you wait until the guy catches the ball in the back court, let him get 2-3 dribbles down and foul.  Then, when they take it out on the side, you waste another second and foul again, and at this point Indiana has like one second left and the ball out of bounds on the side at mid-court.  Boom.  You can choose to blame Calipari or you can choose to blame his players instead, but I contend that Calipari coached those players so IN YOUR FACE.   

3.  Michigan State Spartans.  Pretty good weekend for the B1G 10 (outside of Ohio State) and Michigan State's win over Gonzaga in Spokane (or wherever the hell Gonzaga is) was a very good one.  What I found most interesting was Draymond Green's line.  Usually he's all like, I'm gonna grab a bunch of boards and dish some assists and score some points and just kind of facilitate the offense, but in this one he just took the hell over and scored 34 of their 75 points (no other Spartan hit double figures) and really didn't do anything else (2 rebs, 3 asst) and was like a completely different person than usual.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  Like one time I had this friend who was a huge drunk and he was hilarious but he drank like all the time and then he stopped drinking and we were like good for you that will make you so much healthier but then he wasn't funny any more and was kind of lame and I haven't talked to him in a long time.

4.  Devoe Joseph.  Royce White is probably the best player in the Big 12 (FACT!!), Justin Cobbs is a valuable member of Cal's almost certainly NCAA Tournament squad, and now Devoe makes his debut for Oregon and leads them in scoring with 18, throwing in 4 assists (to 1 TO) to boot.  That's always fun.  I'm fucking pissed at Devoe.  I liked him too much for him to just turn his back on me like this, then show up with some west coast hippie dude looking sexier than ever.  That was a metaphor.  Also, because I don't know where else to put this and I can't remember my twitter password, I just want to mention that I'm alone in my basement and I'm choosing to watch The Next Iron Chef rather than football.  Does that make me gay?

5.  Rob Gronkowski.  Do you remember how when you used to play Tecmo Super Bowl sometimes Christian Okoye would be in "excellent" condition and then when you'd run with him you'd actively look for defensive players to just run over and bounce them right the fuck out of the screen?  That's like Gronky, he's just sick.  Completely untackleable.  It doesn't even matter if it's some pussy ass little safety or some big fat defensive lineman, nobody can bring this dude down.  And he's not just some big bruiser, he's got hands that are baby soft.  I once saw Randy Johnson whip an egg at his head at 98 mph and he just cradled it in and the thing didn't even break.  Then he humped a porn star and when he was done she was all like "you're the best I've ever had" and he was all like "yeah don't call me."  True story.


1.   Joe Webb Fans.  Are you people serious?  After a very nice day at the bar with Dawger and Bear (ps suck it $nake), I happened to be listening to the after game call-in show or whatever for the Vikings and I'm pretty sure people are completely out of their damn minds.  Hosts and callers both, because there was apparently a for real debate about whether Webb or Ponder should be the Viking QB of the future.  Guess what geniuses, Joe Webb sucks at throwing a football.  Did you even watch the game?  He was missing open receivers by five freaking yards and I'm not exaggerating.  He's not Mike Vick bad or even Terrelle Pryor bad, he makes them look like me playing bar league football - dead on balls accurate.  Yes he's fast.  Fun.  But Ponder might be an actual real life QB, even if that throw across the body crap was the worst throw in the history of football.  Webb is a bit and you're dumb.  You know damn well you love him, don't lie to me.

2.  Creighton Blue Jays.  Could be the return of the curse of DWG, or could just be that Creighton sucks balls because after getting out to a blistering start that actually had me complimenting a Missouri Valley team, Creighton sucked big-time this weekend getting rolled by St. Joseph's.  Creighton allowed St. Joe's to shoot 49%, sent them to the line 29 times and got there just 9 themselves, and was out-rebounded 37-24.  They also allowed someone named Carl Jones to score 29 points.  I don't really have else to add since I don't really know that much about either team or care, but I did bet a decent amount on Creighton to win this one so I'm a little peeved.

3.  Memphis Tigers.  Speaking of betting oh my god I suck at betting so much when it's not props.  How the hell could Memphis possibly lose to Murray State at home?  Murray State isn't even good.  They're not even mediocre, and that's why Memphis was an 11 point favorite but instead of winning by eleven they just flat out lost.  Which made sense because I got raped like an Egyptian geisha this weekend.  But really, could Pastnor have learned from Calipari any better?  Recruit great athletes, stress defense, refuse to run anything remotely resembling a real offense and just hope your players can outplay your opponent - exactly like Kentucky these days.  Too bad Murray State is boring and disciplined.  I hate that shit.

4.  Manchester United.  Wow.  Just wow.  How do you lose to Basel, and how do you get knocked out in the Group Stage in Champions League?  This is the first time since 2005 Man U hasn't made it to the knockout round.  Also I told the swamp donkey to sock it before I gave her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and had her lick my yarbles.

5.  The Xavier/Cincy Fight.  As someone who continually rips hockey because most of the "fans" of the "sport" care more about the fighting than the game I need to weight in here and say that the fight was stupid and dumb and stupid.  But you know what's even more stupid?  The people who are trying to blow this thing out of proportion and act like programs should be shut down and players should be kicked off teams.  Yes, punching some ugly white dude in the head isn't a good thing and stomping on some guy who's already on the ground is probably not a resume builder, but this is the ugliest rivalry in college hoops and has been for years.  The whole game (and pre-game really) was chippy and bitchy and you could see this shit coming when the refs didn't step in like asap.  Yes, it's a black mark on the game but it's not like somebody was engaging in a little horseplay in the showers here so let's settle down.  Also those people who are condemning Holloway for his "gangster" comment need to fucking relax.  He's not saying they're Crips for christ's sake, it's called his vernacular.  Relax, whitey.

By the way, this Tebow shit is ridiculous.  Every week it's the same thing - suck badly and embarrassingly for 3.5 quarters and then tear shit up in the last 6 minutes.  Once again it happened this week.  When I left the bar the Broncos were down 10-0, the offense had done nothing, and Tebow had 45 yards passing.  When I got home it turned out the Broncos won and Tebow threw for over 200 yards.  I mean how does this shit happen every single week?  It's crazy, and I gotta tell ya I think I've gone from Tebow hater to semi-on the bandwagon.  Seriously if he wasn't silly religious I'd probably be all aboard, but who am I to question god?  And if I was going to I'd probably start with the platypus anyway, then move on to general human misery and/or specific events like the holocaust or that tidal wave thing, and then eventually get to Tebow.  That sentence kind of got away from me.  Anyway, has there ever been such a lock for #2 in MVP voting?  Every single writer is going to go Rodgers #1 and Tebow #2.  And if they pick somebody other than Rodgers they're going to go that guy #1 and Tebow #2.  He's going to finish in second with zero #1 votes.  Right?  Because nobody would voluntarily vote him #1, right?  RIGHT?

Also I have $2 on Tebow to win MVP which would get me $200 so I'm on board.  Choo choo.

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