Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Live Blog: Gophers vs. Chippewas

Since I didn't get you a preview (prediction:  Minn 64, CMU 50) I figured I might as well live blog this garbage.  Although fair warning:  I'm not drinking tonight so this probably won't be funny.  I'll also probably lose my motivation and will quit by halftime.

Plus I'm in a shitty mood because my car broke yesterday and I had to pay $1,500 to fix it.  Then this morning we had a plumbing issue which cost us another $500 and we know have holes in our walls the plumber dude had to cut to get to our pipes, all to get a baby washcloth out of the trap thing.  Then, this evening on my way home, my car broke again the exact same way and I had to walk home after dropping it at the same shop who had earlier claimed to have fixed it, and I almost got hit by a car passing another car on the shoulder.  So yeah, it's been a great day.   I need a drink.

20:00 - Ralph's expression priar to the jump ball is some weird combination of "I'm about to cry" and "I'm really bored", with a sprinkle of "why won't you just leave me alone" mixed it.

18:52 - Gophers up 4-0.  Thus far Minnesota has taken, and made, two shots both in the paint.  CMU has airballed a jumper and tossed up a running lay-up thing that missed the rim completely and got all bored.  All though in that guy's defense he is a short white guy.

17:04 - Welch airballs a three-pointer.  Gotta admit, I didn't see that one coming.  Welch almost has this weird calm aura about him that just makes me feel so confident that he's going to make the right play at all times.  Pretty sure that's not going to end up being the case.

16:06 - CMU hits back to back threes to take the lead 8-4, including one by some dude with knee high socks that enrage me.  Ralph has also missed shots on back to back possessions inside the lane.  This is going to be a long night. 

14:28 - Ahanmisi misses a three-pointer for the second straight possession.  Announcer guy, "Ahanmisi with the shot.  It draws iron."  Good god this team sucks at shooting.  Wasn't Tubby shooting his mouth off about how this was going to be a great shooting team?  You know who can shoot on this team?  Oto.  That's the whole list.  Austin Hollins is ok, Welch is ok, Armelin is streaky, and everyone else is terrible.  They might as well be shooting at that 20-point basket from the ole Rock N Jock days when they line up a three-ball.

14:16 - This will shock your pants off but CMU hit another three-pointer.  This one after a pump fake where Andre Hollins jumped after so completely and convincingly and aggressively he must have thought the Chippewa guy was shooting a baby rather than a ball and he had to grab it out of the air.  Good lord, I expect better from a coach's kid.

13:44 - Joe Coleman is still a terrible defender.   Arapahoe of nothing, I will be in Cali for work the next two nights.  Hopefully I can get a little tipsy and blog some crap.  Speaking of crap, Elliason just Knoblauched a pass into the fourth row.  11-6 CMU.  Probably the ugliest game ever.

11:21 - Sigh.

11:10 - Are we going with "Andre Hollins" or "Dre Hollins"?  Because the announcer just referred to him as Dre and I know it says Dre on the back of his jersey but I didn't know if that was just because putting An. Hollins looked retarded or if that's what he wants to be known as.  Or maybe it's like, "Andre" is the official name but amongst his friends and what not he goes by "Dre", but then why would announcer guy call him "Dre" when I'm pretty sure he and Hollins aren't boys.  Personally I prefer Andre but that's because I just don't like guys going by Dre because really there's Dr. Dre and then nobody else can live up.  It would be like naming your kid Madonna or Screech or Knight Rider.  Also Joe Coleman has the team's last six points and it's 12-12.  I like him when the Gophers have the ball quite a bit.

9:26 - That's now three lay-up type shots where the Chippewas have missed the rim.  If the Gophers lose this game I'm going to take a magnet to this computer in order to destroy this blog.  That'll work, yes?

8:54 - OTO FOR THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

7:58 - Trey Zeigler, who is really really good which you would know if I had written that preview, just scored his first two points of the game on a reverse lay-up which involved going right around Austin Hollins who is supposed to be a defensive stud.  Ziegler is good enough to score 20 in a hurry and win this game for the Chippewas, at least I think so but then again CMU has been terrible his two years there so maybe I'm a liar.

7:40 - Four point play for Welch, Gophers now up 19-14.    I mean 19-17 because nobody stopped the ball after CMU broke the press and they made another freaking three-pointer. 

7:04 - I just realized Rodney Williams has been invisible this game.  Also across the bottom we get the news that Kansas freshman Ben McLemore, who was supposed to be a stud this year but was ruled academically ineligible, was arrested after failing to appear in court on a minor consumption charge.  I'd say that's going swimmingly.  Also going swimmingly?  Rodney Williams dunking on people's heads.

6:28 - Announcer guy, "Rodney Williams played the 4 in high school, so it was an easy switch for him to make to help out the Gophers after Mbakwe's injury."  I'm almost positive this isn't true, but not quite confident enough to rip this guy.  Damn no alcohol.  I really prefer to have my inhibitions be less inhibiting. 

5:08 - This is weird.  Whenever CMU goes with their 2-3 zone the Gophers pass it around like they're playing hand ball and inevitably throw the ball at the rim from the 3-point line and just as inevitably miss.  Whenever they go man the Gophers use motion and picks and penetrate and get lay-ups.  So why doesn't CMU just go 2-3 zone the entire time?  I have absolutely no idea.  I can only assume John Calipari must be coaching them or something.

4:00 - I cannot remotely tell the difference between Miley Cyrus and Amanda Bynes.

I'd tell which one of these was who, but I honestly have no freaking clue
2:42 - I can comfortably say now that this announcer is an idiot because after a Rodney Williams blocked shot he said, "I don't know about you, but I got my evite to the block party." 

1:52 - Say you're a seven-footer.  Now say you're a seven-footer whose standing near the top of the key about 18-feet from your own basket, and after you set a pick for Austin Hollins he dribbles the ball off his foot and it rolls, not bounces to you.  You bend down to pick-it up and there's a defender near you, so what's your first instinct?  Well if you're Sampson you just shoot the jump shot, and honestly I've never seen anybody go from picking a ball off the floor to shooting it.  He must be a god damn pop-a-shot all-star, except for all th misses.  Like this one.

0:00 - 34-23 Gophers.  This could become a game if CMU sticks with that 2-3, keeps hitting threes, stops turning the ball over, and gets Ziegler going.  So no.  And why the hell are there two broads doing this halftime show?  Isn't this ESPN?   Don't they have real people?  One chick, fine.  Whatever.  I don't really care, but I can't have two.  I just can't.  Don't you people know that they can attract bears when they're on their cycle or whatever.  Bears.

18:10 - Gophers score the first four of the second half on a strong drive by Ahanmisi and 19-foot jumper by Welch.  Yes, it's backwards day.  This causes Calipari or whoever is coaching the Chippewas to call a timeout, because the Gophers scored four straight.  It's totally necessary to give each team 8 timeouts per game or whatever.

17:43 - I just received a text that used "sry" for sorry, "sux" for sucks, "ur" for your, and "b" for be.  All in the same text.  Luckily it was from a girl so I can sort of let it go because their brains aren't as big and aren't wired for spelling (sorry ladies, it's science).  If you, or anyone you know, is a guy and texts like this just know that it pretty much automatically means you have a small penis.

16:14 - Another three for the little white guy with huge socks, which makes four for him on the day and cuts the Gopher lead to 40-29.  I also think I'm wrong calling him white.  He's got a little color in there.  Also he has some crazy ass hair style and I just realized he looks almost exactly like Paulie D, which makes me think about J-Woww which gets me all hot.

14:03 - Jesus the gophers are terrible, but luckily they're still light years better than this Chippewa team.  45-31 Gophers. 

13:08 - Andre Hollins knocks down a three and announcer guy calls him both "Andre"  and "Dre" in the span of six seconds.  I'm so confused.

12:33 - Ziegler heating up a bit.  Also appears to be willing to shoot any shot at any time.  Dangerous combo.  For both teams.

11:32 - Elliason grabs a rebound.  Announcer guy, "That's what Elliason can do for the Gophers, grab rebounds."  Well no shit, genius,  he's like 8 feet tall and sucks, he's going to plant his ass in the lane and grab missed shots.

8:51 - Joe Coleman with a foul on the perimeter playing terrible defense.  Good overall game though.  57-37 Gophers.  I'm pretty bored, and yet I can't muster up the energy to post on anything else like the Jayme Carroll signing or the NBA Stuff or even this Josh Willingham possible signing by the Twins.  I don't even have the energy to go on twitter and find out if that signing because official yet or not.  Guess I'm saving something for the California trip.  You could complain, but be honest:  that Dumb and Dumber thing made your day.

7:04 - Back to back possessions where CMU made lay-ups and were sent to the line due to dumbass ticky-tack fouls by the Gophers.  You either foul hard so they can't make the lay-up or get the eff out of the way.  If I wasn't yawning so much I'd be really pissed about that.

6:54 - I'm gonna go fold some towels.

5:03 - $57 million for Nene?  Man it is really not fair if you're over 7-feet tall.  Also apparently ever single person involved in this game is going to hit a three-pointer in the final few minutes, blowing the fuck out of my UNDER 127.

2:02 - And there goes the over.  Gophers 73, CMU 56. 

0:00 - Gophers win 76-56.  I've been trying to come up with a sentence to put here for like 5 minutes.  I just want to get to the real games already.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The best way to tell the difference is by getting those two in a room and telling them whoever chugs a beer first gets to screw. Miley will have that beer gone and your crank in her mouth before the other anchor even gets the first gulp of beer down her throat. Miley knows hows how to get down.