Random Thoughts whilst watching the Twins game

-  Hey Punto, when you end up on the ground after throwing the ball all the way from the infield grass over to first base you don't look like a gritty hustler, you look like a moron.

-  Text from Snacks at the game:  "I'm actually watching Matt Wieters in person.  He looks 10 feet tall."  Seems low.

-  Hey Bert, when Miguel Tejada slides into first base on a close play on a grounder, you shouldn't laud him for being a great leader for a young team at age 35.  First, he's from Latin America which means he's probably closer to 40, and second, sliding into first is literally one of the dumbest things you can do on a baseball field.  For an ex-player you are insanely dumb.

-  You know what makes me feel really grown up and classy?  The fact that I'm sitting here drinking Captain Cokes.  After this maybe I'll just wash it down with some Coors Lights from the fridge.  I can't decide if I feel more college or more trailer.

-   Do you realize that both Ron Coomer and Dan Gladden are affiliated with the Twins in some sort of broadcast capacity?  Don't you want to look for maybe more, I don't know, cerebral ex-players to fill these roles?  I get Bert, because he's very friendly and personable in both real life and on the broadcast, so his dumb little things he says are almost endearing, but Coomer and Gladden drive me crazy.  Especially Gladden.  The Dazzle Man?  The Dazzle Man?  Dear god, why?

-  So apparently on the broadcasts now they do a "Legendary Performance on this date in Twins' history" thing.  Tonight's was from 2008, when Joe Mauer doubled in the top of the ninth to break up Gavin Floyd's no-hitter - a game the Sox won 7-1.  Seriously?  That's the best thing you could find on this date in Twins' history?  Something that the White Sox could use as a legendary performance on this date in their history?  Or is this just a Joe Mauer thing?  Like, every day they have to say something Mauer did once?  So maybe tomorrow it could be "On this date in 2007 Joe Mauer actually played catcher in a day game following a night game."  Awesome.

-  I somehow missed Wieters second at-bat.  How is he 0-2?  Is Carl Pavano now Warren Spahn?  What's happening here?

-  Kubel almost got a hit!  That would have made him 2-2!  Yep, facing Brad Bergeson cures all.

-  Did you know Alexi Casilla has stole 29 bases out of 32 attempts in his career?  That's incredible.   And just now FSN flashed that same stat up, thus meaning I wasted my time looking it up on my own.  Thanks, dicks.

-  Even with that success rate, however, in the five pitches they threw Punto (which ended in him, yes, sliding headfirst into first base) they didn't send him.  Know why?  Wieters.

-  Don't you find it awfully fishy that Dick and Bert get the daily trivia question right like, 99% of the time?  I'm pretty sure if you came up to them on the street and asked who was the all-time leader in home runs they wouldn't be able to get it, yet they just nailed all four Oriole managers since Ron Gardenhire took over.  Suspicious.

-  Bert now whining about how so many players who have hit more HRs than Harmon Killebrew are "tainted."  Then he said Jim Thome "has no taint."  I'll leave that one alone.

-  Wieters with a great at-bat, falling behind 0-2 and then fighting back to work a walk.  Guy is just solid.  Like Jesus.  Just a solid dude.

-  Brad Bergeson entered tonight's game with an ERA of 10.57 and a WHIP of 2.22 over 5 starts.  He hadn't even made it to the sixth at any point this season, and got ripped by teams like Seattle and Toronto.  He was so bad he was sent to triple-A at one point this year.  He is so bad, I just realized I've been spelling his name wrong this whole time.  And yet, he's now shut the Twins out through six and allowed just five hits.  Jesus, talk about an emotional hangover after sweeping Detroit.

-   The Twins trying to hit Bergeson is like Audrina trying to look like less than a perfect 10.  Futile.

-  Well, they finally chased Bergeson, and we now have two on and two out in a 2-0 game with Morneau up facing some fat lefty they just brought in.  Since Morneau is on my fantasy team, I'm going to predict a weak ground-out.

-  Well, he got him 0-2 and then walked him.  You might say that Morneau is very Wieters-like in his ability to work the count.

-  And Thome strikes out with the bases loaded, still 2-0 Orioles.  They should have signed Jermaine Dye instead.

-  This is a really impressive outing for Pavano.  8 ips, 6 hits, 8 Ks.  Other than that home run to Wiggington he's been basically flawless.  On a related note, did you know Wigginton has 10 home runs this year?  How can that even be possible?  His career high is 24, and now he's on pace to hit 50.  Probably a roids guy.  Also, did you know he finished 8th in the rookie of the year voting in 2003?  You probably didn't.  That's why I'm here.  I'm an educator.  You're welcome.

-  Funny story.  You know that MacGruber movie that's coming out that is based on those terrible SNL sketches and seems like the worst thing you've ever heard of and how could anybody be dumb enough to make that movie?  Yeah, it's currently at 100% at Rotten Tomatoes.  It's only 7 reviews so far, but every single one has been positive.  I have no idea how this can be.  I'm flummoxed.  Also flummoxing is Jason Kubel's sudden inability to hit.

-  Text from Grand Slam:  "Is Tejada a Hall-of-Famer?"  My gut says no, so I decided to check out his actual numbers to be more accurate.  According to the Black Ink and Grey Ink tests on baseball reference (these evaluate a player based on leading the league in things or top 5) he's not even close, but according to Bill James' HOF Monitor test, which awards points for hitting over .300 or 30 home run season and such, he should be.  Looking at his career, he has had some seriously monster seasons (including a 150 rbi year) and has gotten an MVP vote in 8 different seasons, including winning one in 2002 (not even his 150 rbi year).  Being an offensive force at a position like SS definitely helps his cause.  He's third all-time in HRs by a SS and 6th in RBI.  I don't think he's got enough to get in, but he'll be an interesting case.

-  Alfredo Simon in to get the save, and lucky for him he gets to start with Casilla and Punto.  This guy is super hittable/walkable.  If I were the Twins I'd make sure to come back and win this game.  You just can't lose to the O's.

-  Ground out, Ground out, Ground out.  Game over, and the Orioles have shut out your precious Twins.

Season over.

-   God the NBA is boring.  Or at least this Orlando/Atlanta series is.

-  Jamarcus Russell was straight up cut by Oakland?  Man, I don't use this often because it's stupid but L.O.L.  I did hear a story on the radio today about how coaches always prepare a DVD of the game plan for the next game and give it to the QBs to study, and the Oakland coaches suspected that Russell wasn't watching it.  So one week they gave him a blank DVD, and then asked him what he thought of it and his answer was "it looks pretty good."  Seriously though, if he didn't blow through his money like a typical athlete, he's set.  He got $31.5 million in guaranteed money, so if he just lived even remotely frugally he'd be set for life and he would have hardly ever gotten tackled.  He could just chill for the rest of his life and never have to work again.  Of course, I'm going to assume he owns like 8 cars and has 6 kids and is probably already close to broke and we'll hear about him robbing a liquor store in three years, but I'm a stereotyper like that.

-  I just read that Russell's cousin is Marshawn Lynch.  Wow.  That family really has their shit together.

-  Also, he was actually better than both Ryan Leaf, and Akili Smith.  God there have been some really bad quarterbacks (Spergon Wynn).  And this is also a super boring conversation so I'm just going to stop now.

-  Before I go, I want to let you know that Justin Smoak went yard again today.  ROY (unless they give it to Wieters, even though it's his second year).

-  Jenna Fischer is still hot.