Week in Review - 12/7/2009

Well, that was an unimpressive Vikings performance.  Favre sucked, there was no running game, they refused to get any pressure on Kurt Warner, and as a result he carved them up like Portland against the Gophers.  I'm not inclined to make too big a deal out of it though.  They were pretty much due for a stinker, and it may even be a bit of a help in the "kick-in-the-ass" kind of way.  So it's alright.

The Gophers were good this weekend as well, but it was much like the exhibition games against UMD and Mankato or whoever else it was - the opponent was just too terrible to make any kind of real judgement.  Tuesday is Morgan State, which will likely be more of the same based on name alone (I will do a little research and maybe a preview if you are lucky), but Saturday will at least be a ok opponent in St. Joe's.  Not a good opponent, but ok.  The Gophers can't afford any stumbles, and will still have their work cut out for them in the conference season, but I am still cautiously optimistic. 

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Wisconsin.  It was tempting to put the whole Big Ten here for finally shedding the embarrassment of never winning the Big 10/ACC challenge, but then I remembered that Michigan and Minnesota both sucked and couldn't bring myself to do it.  Instead I have to praise the red menace, the most hated of hateds, the Roy to my Jim, the Mondego to my Dantes, the Crimson King to my Roland (actually that's a great description with the whole Crimson in the title) - the dirty Badgers.  And what ever happened to Jim Caviezel anyway?  I thought he was a great Dantes in the movie (which I saw in Ames, by the way - and it was better than the book, yeah, I said it) and he was also excellent in a little time-travel movie called Frequency (and had a nice supporting part in that army court movie with a still hot as hell Ashley Judd).  Then he was in a movie with J-Lo and played Jesus.  Those are both career killers, and he did both in a 3-year span and killed his career (to the best of my knowledge).  Whoops.  Oh, and anyway I guess Wisconsin had a good week and Trevon Hughes looks like Al Nolen with a jump shot, a three-point shot, and an ability to finish in the lane.  Whatever.  Redneck queers.

2.  Texas Tech.  First of, let me just say that I don't believe that Texas Tech is a good team this year.  Second of all, I don't think it much matters what I think, because they just keep winning.  They rolled through their super easy schedule to start the season, and were then matched up against Washington this week in the Pac 10/Big 12 Hardwood Challenge, in a game I expected Washington to win by 20.  Not so much.  Tech ended up beating the Huskies by seven in overtime after scoring a ridiculous 19 in the five minute extra period to run their record to 8-0.  Mike Singletary (not that one) and John Roberson are very good all-around players and give them a nice back court.  It seems this team is worth keeping an eye on.

3.  Alabama.  For the football, obviously, genius.  That was an absolutely brilliant game they put together against Florida, and although Teblow did choke a bit - particularly on that INT in the endzone - but make no mistake, the Tide played brilliantly.  I was most impressed by Greg McElroy, the Tide's quarterback, who may not be the most talented player out there but was definitely the most valuable on Saturday.  His stats are nice (12-18, 239yds, 1 TD, 10 rushing yards) but not eye-popping, but he made the throws when he needed too and, more importantly, the runs.  McElroy had two huge runs, one for a first down while the Tide were driving that saw him hopping down the sideline to pick up a big first down by mere inches, and the second was a nice run down to the 2-yard line on the game sealing drive - a run that had the announcers embarrassingly calling it "Tebow-esque."  And that's the best part of Alabama winning - no more Tebow.  Actually it's not so much him that bothers me - he is a very good college QB - it's the constant Teblowing of him by the media and his image and his holiness and his goodness and all that crap that bothers me.  I like my football players to be semi-literate thugs, thank you very much.

4.  Charlotte.  I don't believe the 49ers were really considered as an NCAA team this year, maybe on the fringe, but after a complete dismantling of Louisville - at Louisville - it's time to take a deeper look.  Charlotte beat the Cardinals 87-65 by holding them to 36% shooting, destroying them on the boards 46-35, and forcing someone named Mike Marra to take the most shots of any Cardinal player.  This win runs the 49ers record to 6-1, with only a loss to Duke in the negative column.  Outside of Louisville there isn't really a good win in those six (Hofstra would be the closest), but this team could be sneaky.  The have a nice inside/outside balance (of the top five scorers, 55% of the points come from the backcourt, 45% from the front court), take care of the basketball (35th in turnover percentage), and might have a legitimate star in Shamari Spears (19.7ppg, 5.8 rpg).  In a two week span at the end of the month/beginning of January, they play Old Dominion, Georgia Tech, and Tennessee, so pay attention to see if this team is a contender, or just a lucky team that caught Louisville on a bad day (*cough* last year's gophers *cough).    

4.  Jersey Shore.  This is the new show on MTV and I'm telling you, find it, record it, watch it, live it, love it.  Simply the greatest show I've ever seen.  It's basically the Real World, with eight strangers thrown together in a house they couldn't afford if they pooled their future lifetime earnings, but there's a delicious twist this season:  every one is a Guido or Guidette, and they are put right in Guido Heaven - the Jersey Shore.  The comedy is simply off the charts.  If you aren't sure what a Guido is, look at this:

And every single guy on the show is just like this guy (and the girls are basically female versions who, for reasons that are impossible to fathom, are attracted to guys like this).  What's even better, is these kind of people don't even realize the rest of the world is laughing at them, and all worship the exact same traits that 99.9% of the population can't stop pointing and laughing at.  If you've ever seen the True Life: I have a Summer Share episode, it's like that, but even better.

The breakout star is without a doubt Mike, who calls himself "The situation" and constantly refers to himself in the third person.  Such as, "Yo baby, you know you want to get with the situation."  Yes, it really is that awesome.  He's like Rickey Henderson crossed with the Gotti kids.  I love it.  This show gets my highest recommendation since "The King of Kong."  You know MTV is rerunning it constantly, so find it and watch it.  You'll be pleased.     


WHO SUCKED

1.  Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Good god, is there a curse of Jim Kelly now?  Or is it a curse of QB Bills?  That second one there makes more sense, so let's go with it.  The curse of QB Bills is out of control, and the latest poor victim who would otherwise have great skills is Fitzpatrick, who was 9-23 for a whopping 98 yards (and one INT) on Thursday (including just 31 yards to T.O., who I took a chance on starting in a must-win fantasy game).  Thanks, dick.  But it's not really his fault, it appears nobody can play QB in Buffalo anymore.  Here are the main QB rating scores since Kelly retired in 1996 (wow I am way old):  69.5, 87.4, 75.1, 82.2, 76.4, 86.0, 73.0, 76.6, 85.6, 84.9, 70.4, 85.4, and 74.1.  How bad is that?  I have no god damn clue.  Who the hell can make heads or tails out of that formula?  What I do know, is that T-Jax's career mark is 77.8, which means Buffalo's QB has only been better than T-Jax level six out of thirteen years.  The best a Buffalo QB has done since QB Bills retired was Flutie's 87.4 in 1998.  That's basically what Kyle Orton has done this year.  So the best Buffalo QB in the last 13 years was Kyle Orton.  Yoinks.

2.  Evan Turner.  Not so much for sucking, since he put up yet another ridiculous line earlier this week against Florida State (25-13-6), but for getting hurt and making a really fun team to watch a lot less fun.  In case you missed Turner went up for a dunk against Eastern Michigan on Saturday, got fouled, could quite catch his balance on the rim and fell, breaking his back.  No, seriously he broke his back.  Luckily it's not the paralyzed kind, but he is expected to be out for the next two months at a minimum.  What this really means is that William Buford and David Lighty are going to have to become stars instead of complimentary players, and if they pull it off and Turner comes back at full strength the Buckeyes are going to be awfully tough.  Of course, it's just as likely that the team collapses in on itself without it's do-everything guy.  I'm rooting for that second option right there. 

3.  The Pac 10.  I know this is at least the second and maybe the third time I've singled this conference out, but sheesh they are just awful.  Nobody in the conference can beat any decent competition.  This week Washington State lost to Gonzaga, Arizona lost to UNLV at home and got killed by a bad Oklahoma team, Cal lost to New Mexico, Washington lost to Texas Tech, UCLA didn't bother to put up a fight against Kansas at Pauley, Arizona State lost to Baylor at home, Oregon got crushed by Missouri, USC lost by 26 against Georgia Tech, Washington State got blown out by Kansas State.  The conference's record this week was 5-11, which included wins over CS-Bakersfield, CS-Northridge, and Arkansas-Pine Bluff, and this is a supposed top-six conference?  The best win any Pac-10 team has managed so far this season is either Arizona State's win over LSU or Cal's win over Iowa State - both about the equivalent of beating Penn State.  Wow.  Just ugly.  This might be the worst major conference in history.  They might end up being lucky to get two teams in the NCAA Tournament.

4.  Portland.  So much for them being at-large bid kind of team.  The Pilots got crushed by Idaho of all teams, and looked awful doing it.  The Vandals beat them 68-48, and held Portland to just 32% shooting.  Remember that damn midget T.J. Campbell who destroyed your beloved Gophers?  He shot 1-11 for the game and turned the ball over four times.  Remember Mr. Do-Everything Nik Raivio?  He shot 3-13.  How about Robin Smeulders, who you may remember destroying Iverson and Sampson?  He shot 1-6 and turned it over three times.  Seeing as how this team has already lost to CS-Northridge and Texas Southern, I'm going to go ahead and say this damn near kills Portland's shot at an at-large bid, barring a nearly undefeated run through the WCC, and certainly doesn't make the Gophers' loss look any better.  Thanks Pilots.  You couldn't have at least ended being a really good small conference team, could you?  And I just know noticed that they lost earlier in the week to Portland State as well.  So much for not having to worry about the Portland loss going down as a "bad loss."   

5.  NCAA Fascists.  You dicks.  You total dicks.  I get that you can't put someone like TCU or Boise State in the championship, not when you have an undefeated Alabama and an undefeated Texas.  Ok, fine.  I think TCU could hang with and possibly beat either team, but I get it.  What really sucks is that you are sending TCU to the Fiesta Bowl to play........BOISE STATE!  Come on, man!  We want to see these schools play some of the big boys and find out if it's true that non-BCS teams can't hang with the big boys, or if the Horned Frogs and Broncos are really every bit as good as the big time teams.  How can we find that out if you make them play each other, fascists?  But I'm guessing you know that, don't you?  You know that's what everybody want to find out, but if TCU beats Florida and/or Boise beats Georgia Tech, suddenly it's time to take the non-BCS teams seriously.  Apparently Utah beating Alabama last year wasn't quite enough, so you manage to completely sabatoge everything so the "BCS" conferences get to keep their stranglehold on the National Title.  Real god damn fair.