Oh My Sweet Jesus

Wow. Tavaris is not a good QB. And there's no possible way anybody could think differently. Unless they're really dumb. Bogart probably loves him.

Actually, he'd be a really good college QB. Highly mobile. Can only make one read and if it's not there takes off running. Routes he can throw to are limited to slant, swing, screen, and fly. Questionable decision making. Perfect for like, the Gophers. A nice step up from I-AA. Good job, T-Jax.

Additionally, how much does Aaron Rodgers want to be Brett Favre? Let's see, you have the ill advised random toss deep downfield that works out. You have poor throws in the redzone that find where they need to go (that TD pass was either the best throw of all time or very lucky - you go ahead and guess which). And, even worse, you have the constant unsnapping of the chin strap after every single god damn play. Throw in a vicodin addiction and making his wife get cancer and you get Favre. But I miss the long hair, he looked exactly like Cook, a friend of a friend. But less pretentious. It's funnier if you know him.

So, my real issue here is with Vikings fans. What the hell is wrong with you people? You embarrass me. Here are my favorite people from tonight.

1. Guy in the Vikings Crocs. Crocs are pretty much the worst invention ever. Girls can kind of get away with them, but they have boobs so they could pretty much get away with anything. But on a guy? And Vikings crocs? Do you have zero self respect? At what point in your life do you not only give up on respectable footwear, but go with a team-themed version? And it's not like regular sandals are so uncomfortable you have to go with something else. Jesus, you make socks with sandals guy look like a fashion wizard.

2. The guy in the Rod Smith jersey. This guy was awesome, and I'm not kidding. it's nice to see someone else appreciate a top 5 receiver of all-time.

3. The dude in the Chris Walsh jersey. My feelings on Chris Walsh jerseys are well documented. I have nothing more to add. Except to say just stop it.

4. The chomo in the specially made #35 jersey with his own last name on the back. Honestly, if you know anybody with their own name on the back of a Vikings jersey, you should probably sit them down and have a long talk. There's so much wrong with this I can't even describe it. When I saw this dude, I thought "How sad." When Mrs. W saw him, she said, "What's wrong with that guy?" and when Snacks was told about him, he said "did you tell your daughter people like that can't be trusted?" I mean, it's a just a sample size of three, but I think if you take a poll of America, the overwhelming majority would call this guy a douche.

5. The dude wearing the Onterrio Smith jersey. I'm not even exactly sure how to react here. Snacks said, "That will never go out of style" and I'm inclined to agree. You know, it's a special kind of flame out that involves whizzinators and what not. Also that Brody dude from the Hills is a total ass. Heidi is so stupid for staying with him. I mean, come on.

6. The guy with the Troy Williamson jersey. You know, I feel like I'm being too hard on Bogart here, but if anybody I know would ever buy a Williamson jersey, it's him. You know, get super pumped about his potential and go all out and throw a bunch of money at him and get no payoff. Much like the Viking front office.

7. Every chick in a pink jersey. STOP.

8. The guy who needed to talk about 8 thousand decibels too loudly while telling his friend about the plays that the Vikings should have called or what T-Jax should have done. Look, I think Jackson is just as horrid a QB as you do, really he is, but you aren't better, and you wouldn't make better decisions. And no matter how poorly you think the play calls are, I'd bet Childress knows this shit infinitely better than you do. He's making millions. You're in a shitty ass bar, wearing your faded Culpepper jersey with your porn stache and ranting and raving like a crazy psychopathic lunatic. I was going to say more but now I'm distracted because Audrina and LC are arguing and I'm hoping they make out.

9. No such luck. And I can't remember all the other people I hated, but it occurs to me that the perfect burger may very well be a juicy lucy, but using pepper jack cheese and cajun spices on the burger part. Dear lord, I'm going to have to try that.

Weekend Review

I'm going to try to do this every Monday now. Odds are, it won't be very consistent. Oh well.

WHO WAS AWESOME:

1. Michael Turner. Jumped head first into his new starting gig, leading all rushers with 220 yards and 2 TDs and jump starting all three of my fantasy teams to victory. Scored a 66 yd TD on one of his first few carries and it was all easy from there. On a related note, the Lions tackle like the Gophers

2. Gopher Football. Speaking of the Gophers, awesome might be a tad strong for it but they are certainly better than I expected. Let's not pretend Bowling Green is the world's greatest opponent, but I figured they were set up to blow the Gophers out of the water, especially at home. The defense turned the Eagles over five times, and the offense was good as expected. Maybe there's a little life in these guys. They should go into the Big Ten season at 4-0 now, and could easily squeak out two wins and head to a bowl. A great accomplishment this season.

3. Willie Parker. I thought he was done. A lot of people did, possibly including his own team after drafting Rashard Mendenhall. Parker served notice that he's still the man, going for +100 yds and three TDs, while Mendenhall got ten carries, mostly in garbage time, and did pretty much nothing. Pittsburgh looks very, very good, and suddenly my sleeper pick of the Texans has me worried, Andre Johnson awesomeness (10 catches, 112 yards).

4. Camilo Villegas. Pretty much lead the BMW the whole way, and didn't fold in the end despite having Jim Furyk take the lead in the final round. Came back and held off Anthony Kim in a duel that was fun to watch to take his first ever PGA tour victory.

5. Britney Spears. Watched the VMAs. She's hot again.

WHO SUCKED:

1. Tom Brady. Well, sucked is maybe not the right word, but getting hurt for the season certainly sucks for Brady, the Patriots, all of New England, all the girls (and boys) who would like to make sweet, sweet love to Mr. Brady, and several million fantasy owners (suck it, Dharma Bum). Personally, I'm bummed. I want the Patriots to fail with no excuses, not have a built in reason for failure. At least they won for me in my survivor pool.

2. Indianapolis Colts. Sorry Sidler, and if you'd like to expound on this, please do, but they looked god awful. I know the Bears are a solid-to-great defensive squad, but that was embarrassing. I have no idea if it was because Peyton was out all preseason and their timing is screwy or what, maybe it's the new stadium. I don't know, but it was awful. With them looking awful, the Chargers playing poorly, and Brady's injury, the Steelers are looking like a good pick right now.

3. Ted Ginn. I know he's not exactly a great player yet, but I was expecting a bit of a splash. 19 total yards and a fumble is not a way to take a step forward in your career. I don't know, maybe I'm just an idiot.

4. West Virginia. This is more of a pro-East Carolina thing, but I already have five positives above. The Pirates have now beaten two ranked teams in West Virginia and Virginia Tech, and with a pretty easy CUSA schedule in front of them could be in line for a BCS bowl bid. As for the Mountaineers, they have a schedule left that leaves them plenty of opportunity to get back in the BCS picture, but it's pretty clear that Pat White is no Major Harris.

5. The Twins. Way to keep sucking bullpen, great job.

MINI RANT:

Why, why, why do people lie about insignificant things nobody cares about? Here at work we have six people, most of whom get in between 7:30 - 9:00 every morning. I'm one of these. We have one guy who always tells people how he gets in before 7, usually by 6:30. Now, with a baby, no matter how genius-level her intelligence, she does some weird things in her sleep schedule and sometimes I'm up really early so I just head into work. In the approximate 100 days I've worked this job, I've ended up going in before 7 probably ten times. You know how many of those times this guy has been there when I arrived? Zero. Dude, you aren't here every day by seven. Sure, maybe sometimes. Maybe most of the time, but I find it pretty suspicious that you haven't been in even once when I get here early. Why lie? It makes no sense. Just say you try to get in before seven, ass. Nobody is impressed, and you're a damn dirty liar.

What Did I Tell You?

What did I tell you people about Michael Turner?

Gophers and Rodney Williams

- First off, Rodney Williams will take a visit to the U of M on September 19th. Despite Williams drop in Rivals.com's Top 150 from #28 to #95, he's still a high priority for Tubby and the team. Thanks to the work done by the Twin Cities Hoops Czar, we know that, at least according to Rivals, Rodney is crazy mad athletic, but doesn't quite seem to be progressing the way they would like him too. I'm not too worried about it. Despite the drop and Tubby's success last season, the Gophers are nowhere near a place where they can afford to turn away a top 100 player, short of murder. And even then I'd be ok with it.

- Oh, and Williams chopped his list of potential schools to just Minnesota and Santa Clara. I don't really get it either. One thing that makes me a bit nervous is that Rodney is very seriously considering the Broncos it would appear. He's visiting Santa Clara the weekend after his Minnesota visit, and the scary thing is he's heading out there with fellow Minnesota High School standout Raymond Cowels - who has already committed to the Broncos. If Tubby doesn't lock him up after his visit, and he goes out there with a friend who has already committed, it's going to be very tempting for them to decide to go their together. Be very nervous.

- The big Gopher football game today has the bloggers on edge. Neither The Gopher Football Blog nor Buck Bravo are brave enough to give a prediction, but both sound very nervous for the game, which is on ESPN U for some damn reason. Meanwhile, over at the Daily Gopher, Gopher Nation is seriously delusional, predicting a Gopher victory, while PJS is more intelligent, seeing a seven point Bowling Green victory. They're all wrong. Bowling Green 49, Minnesota 28.

- This is what drives me crazy about the Twins. It's the bottom of the sixth, they're up 2-1 and load up the bases with nobody out, thanks partially to two Verlander walks as he's seemed to start losing control. Next two guys up are Punto and Gomez, and they both swing at the very first pitch. That's stupid. Of course, Gomez ripped a double to score two, but it's still stupid.

- Lastly, the more I hear about Eric Bledsoe, the more I want him. Here's a blurb from Scout's Dave Telep:

"It’s interesting to note that against the best competition he seems to raise his game. Translation: his best basketball is ahead of him in college. That confident edge that you want PGs to have was there this weekend."

WANT.

Quentin is Dead

So i got this text from Snacks, "omg lol wtf crl quentin oot 4 2-3 wks omg uge brk 4 twns lol omg bbq." I eventually figured out that it means Carlos Quentin is out for 2-3 weeks, and Snacks thinks it's like the hugest thing ever and still believes in the Twins like a sucker. And by the way, why would the world's best manager put in an "overworked" Guerrier in the 8th inning of a 10-2 game instead of someone like Boof? It's genius like that I'll never understand.

Anyway, clearly snacks is bonering over Quentin being out. My initial reaction is that he swings weird, runs like a girl, and can't throw. Yet, I know the numbers tell me differently. So let's look at how good Girlos Quentin really is.

Also I've just been informed someone named Morrow is no-hitting the Yanks through 7. Since I've never even come close to hearing of him, I'm going to assume it doesn't happen.

Anyway, Quentin is from Stanford, and everybody knows that all that comes out of Stanford is steers and queers. That's pretty much the only negative.

Dude has crushed the ball like a Foxx this season (get it, Foxx?). His OPS of .965 is third in the AL behind Alex "Jesus" Rodriguez and Milton "Seriously?" Bradley. You know, in all MLB, he's 8th? You know who is ninth? Ryan Ludwick. I have no idea who that is.

You know where Quentin would have ranked in OPS last season? 13th. So this is a pretty big blow to the Sox. It wont' matter because the Twins are all chokey, but it certainly hurts the stupid gay White Sox.

This would make more sense if my parents hadn't watched Wonderbaby all night. I'm too drunk to make sense. Or be funny. Screw you for judging me.

COLTON IVERSON UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111one

I happen to have some inside information that Colton Iverson now has a girlfriend. No real news on how this is going to impact his play, but I have to admit - I'm worried. Stay hungry Colton, stay hungry.

Some Lists - NFL Related

I just got back from the Dentist and for some reason they were playing an REM CD the entire time I was there. It was horrible. A lot like this movie which you should never rent:


Because of that, all I can muster up is a few NFL related lists before curling up in the fetal position and crying myself to sleep.

5 PLAYERS ABOUT TO BECOME HOUSEHOLD NAMES
1. Andre Johnson
2. Braylon Edwards
3. Matt Schaub
4. Michael Turner
5. Marion Barber

5 PLAYERS WHO WILL DISAPPOINT
1. Matt Hasselbeck
2. Brandon Jacobs
3. Clinton Portis
4. Derek Anderson
5. Roy Williams

5 PLAYERS WHO WILL PLEASANTLY SURPRISE
1. Steve Slaton
2. Ted Ginn
3. Marvin Harrison (seriously people, he's not dead)
4. Ricky Williams
5. Jake Delhomme

5 TEAMS WHO WILL SUCK WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Jacksonville Jaguars
4. Philadelphia Eagles
5. Tennessee Titans

5 TEAMS WHO WILL BE GOOD WHO YOU DON'T THINK WILL BE GOOD
1. Arizona Cardinals
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Tampa Bay Bucs
4. Houston Texans
5. San Francisco 49ers

TWO PREDICTIONS THAT AREN'T NFL RELATED
1. Twins don't win the Central or the Wild Card
2. Bowling Green covers the five point spread, and covers easily. I'm thinking 49-28. I have a mortgage payment on this.

Fijian Nightmare Strikes Again and again and again?

Hope everyone enjoyed a great Labor Day, I know one 6’ 4” Fijian that did. That’s right for the second week in a row the last man other than Tiger Woods to be ranked the #1 player in the world won again this time in dominant fashion over what was a very good field on the first page of the leader board heading into the final day. Veej closed with a 63 to blow everyone away, he did it by hitting 82% of the greens in regulation (2nd for the week) and combine that with a putter as hot as the new Republican Vice Presidential Candidate (T7 putts per GIR and T21 in putts per round) and you have the reasons for this streak of very solid play. Another interesting stat is Singh’s Bounce Back %, it has almost doubled in the playoffs (reg season 19%, playoffs 36.5%) that means every time Singh bogeys (or worse) he comes back on the next hole with a birdie (or better) almost 40% of the time, this is a truly great stat that is often overlooked but all great golfers are usually judged by how they respond to set backs and Veej is responding and responding well. In the last 6 tournaments Singh has either won or missed the cut, but right now he is the best player playing and if he continues to make putts there is no one that can beat him, yep not even the great Black/Thai/Indian (native) hope Tiger Woods. This is what really sucks right now, everyone will say “well Tiger wasn’t there so it doesn’t count” well I say fuck off to that. When Veej is putting like he is putting now, there is no way Woods could hang with him. That’s my personal opinion and I will stick to it. As for my guy Sergio, well again he put himself in position to win but could not make enough birdies on the back nine to put any pressure on Singh, he also visited the drink coming down the stretch and I think although he is learning a lot by being in the final group week after week he has to be kicking himself for not closing the deal on at least one of these last two events. Sidenote#1 – Tim Herron excused himself from the buffet table in the clubhouse long enough to go out and fire a smooth 65 on Monday backing up his 67-67 in the 2nd and 3rd rounds, this ensured him a trip to the 3rd round by moving up 51 spots on the Cup points list and also guarantees him at least two days of buffet time at the BMW this week. In all fairness Herron is a solid player and always seems to play well enough to not only to just stay on tour but to make a good living at it and for the life of me I cant understand how he does it. He is fat, smokes and wears his pants somewhere in that trying to hide the gut but why is his belt touching his boobs range but year after year he just continues to power through, here’s to you Timmy!

Alright this week marks the third installment of the Fed Ex Cup and we head to St. Louis and Bellerive CC, a course that has held a PGA Championship and a US Open. It is a long course and has big greens so I will go out on a limb and say better drive it long and straight, hit a lot of greens in close proximity to the hole and putt well. Looking at all those stats it adds up to Vijay locking down the Cup with another top 5 finish but I do not think we will win this week. I am going to go to the bullpen and call up the lefty, that’s right Phil will make a stand this week to try and save some dignity in this year’s playoff chase. He needs to win both the BMW and the Tour Championship to overtake Veej, but Singh would need to implode as well. That’s not going to happen but Phil will still make his presence felt this weekend. I see a guy like Hunter Mahan turning in a sold week as well, the pressure is off as he was selected to the Ryder Cup and he should be free wheeling this week and I think he might make some noise to try and validate the selection. Also, we cut down to 30 players after this week so look for some major jockeying being done from the rest of the field as they try to book their ticket to a cut free, big check and free Atlanta lap dances Tour Championship in two weeks. So to recap, Phil somehow wins, Mahan plays well, Veej is right there come Sunday, Weir keeps turning in good, not great performances and Sergio may upset them all, don’t bet on it though.

Ryder Cup

So the teams are decided and the cards fell pretty much as I predicted they would. Zinger chose Mahan, Stricker, Holmes and Mediate, what he chose Campbell!?!? Well I for one think that was a chicken shit pick, I can get behind the other three but Campbell, that’s a joke. If you didn’t want to pick Rocco that’s fine then pick Verplank but Chad Campbell should have been no where near the radar screen.

Faldo managed to slight a few with his picks, Poulter and Casey, however I think these are far more justifiable than Azinger’s. He ousted long time cupper Colin Montgomery and fan (and team) favorite Darren Clarke. Could have went either way here, personally I would like to have seen Casey and Clarke or Clarke and Monty, the old boys are just too clutch to keep at home during this kind of event.

I will preview, in depth, next week the Ryder Cup and go over all the hoopla surrounding it but I will leave this parting thought, both Captains are trying to instill the importance of this event to the young players, they are trying to put the guys out there who are going to and should be playing in this event for the next ten years not just the ones who are coming off a ten year run of playing it. I think its good for the Cup and yes even Chad Campbell should be one of those guys, just maybe not this time as I do not think Rocco will ever have another shot at this team, but you never know.

News and Notes

Need to wrap it up here but as the PTI boys would say “a melancholy farewell” to Tommy “Thunder” Bolt, for those of you who don’t know he was the Tiger before Tiger was Tiger, not for his game but for his club throwing, trucker mouth temper tantrums he would throw on a consistent basis. He won 15 times on tour including a US OPEN and played on two Ryder Cup teams; he had one of the best swings in golf during his era but will always be remembered for his temper. Tommy was 92, which spits in the face of all those jackasses that say you have to always be nice and calm to live long, fuck it keep swearing and throwing those clubs.


Big Gulps then…


NF

NFL Football Preview of Football

Hooray for Football! Since I was dead on with all my football predictions for last season, I thought I might as well fire it up again this year. This time, I'm going team by team - I'm just that good.

Before I get to the preview, the answer to the two questions I know you have for me are no, I didn't watch the Gopher football game since it was on the Saturday evening of Labor Day weekend and I have a life (kind of) and yes, I did watch the new 90210 and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Anyway, here we go:

BUFFALO BILLS: Ok, so I was kind of sort of wrong about JP Losman and Lee Evans last year. Losman couldn't even have started on the Vikings last season, and I think is either dead or out of the league or something. Or maybe he's the back up now, either way I'm predicting a breakout season in either the CFL or AFL at least. Trent Edwards is the new QB, and I know nothing out him. Marshawn Lynch is not going to be very good, and Buffalo continues to be a complete dirty wasteland. At least they invented chicken wings.

MIAMI DOLPHINS: Can't be worse than last year, right? Maybe, what with Chad Pennington in charge now. Expect Pennington's arm to fall off halfway through the season, and Chad Henne becomes the new guy in charge - and sucks. Good news is they double their win total from last season with Ricky Williams, not Ronnie Brown, leading the way.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Gay. And by that, I mean the entire team and all their fans are gay. That being said, they'll probably go 15-1 or so this season. Brady and Moss's numbers go down, but how couldn't they? Laurence Maroney finally comes out of the closet.

NEW YORK JETS: I think Brett "Pete Rose" Favre wanted to go to this division because it's the only one with a QB nearly as gay as him and he wouldn't look as fruity. Seriously, does anybody expect him to be awesome this year? No chance. He's been average at best the last like, five seasons, except for a decent stretch last year that ended in disaster anyway. I have a feeling we're in for a disaster of Armageddon proportions here. Movie and event.

DENVER BRONCOS: Once again there's all kinds of crazy confusion at running back in Denver in the fantasy world. Selvin Young gets the Shanahan curse of death, and there's about six other guys waiting in the wings to grab some carries. I wouldn't be shocked to see Mike Anderson pop up at some point.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Do they have a QB? I think it's Brody Croyle, but I don't know who that is. Maybe Dave Krieg? He's probably still around. All I know is whoever is the QB there should probably just throw every ball to Dwayne "The Show" Bowe with an occasional one tossed to Tony Gonzalez, but only if Bowe is quadruple teamed. He can easily burn three guys. Bowe is the third best young receiver in the game. More on that to come.

OAKLAND RAIDERS: Darren McFadden is not the next Adrian Peterson. Probably. The line is kind of a mess in Oaktown, much like the city itself. And one of my past jobs had a headquarters there, so I know. When I was out there to visit I was told not to leave the hotel after dark. And when I was in a training class in the HQ, there was an announcement telling everyone not to leave the building because the bank next door was robbed. Nice city. Get out McFadden, get out NOW! Between that and the fact that Dawger drafted him, he's pretty much screwed.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: I'm still madly in love with Tomlinson, in a mostly platonic way as far as you know. Rivers seems to do just enough to get the team close, but can't quite close the deal. Although last season was quite a bummer with LT being hurt and mostly unable to play in the playoffs. You know the Chargers thought they were better than the Patriots in the AFC championship, and kind of in a way they maybe were, so expect them to be extra super-charged this season. Get it, super-CHARGED?

BALTIMORE RAVENS: This team is still around? Feels like it's about time to disband, no? They just keep getting more and more insignificant. The defense was the strength of the team and still is, which is now a bad thing because they just aren't that good anymore. And they just named a rookie from some small college in the NE their starter. Oof.

CINCINNATI BENGALS: I love this team. Just a complete mess. And their whole "attitude change" in the front office lasted all the way until Ocho Cinco got hurt, when they signed the Human Jail Cell Chris Henry. He probably won't even last until he gets off his latest suspension. Still, in a weak division they could contend with that offense. I expect Carson Palmer to have a superb year.

CLEVELAND BROWNS: Everyone's cute little darling pick this year is about to go splat in a big way. Derek Anderson was a fluke and Jamal Lewis is 2000 years old and his backups and nobody and who? They have a solid defense, and Braylon Edwards is the second best young receiver in the league, but there are going to be a lot of disappointed fans in the shitbox that is Cleveland this year.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Boring. So boring. The only thing that could make this team exciting is getting a little more G. Russell involved, but since they drafted Mendenhall that probably means they don't recognized the greatness that is G-Russ. Expect to hear Roethlisberger to Holmes far too many times, assuming there isn't a hang-gliding accident or something.

HOUSTON TEXANS: Here is your sleeper team folks. Schaub will have a second year in this offense, and the running game is rejuvenated with Steve Slaton and some other young guy, if only they'd just cut Ahman Green already. Add in an improved offensive line, a good defense, and the best young receiver in football in Andre Johnson and you've got a killer squad. If they were in the broke NFC, they'd be a Super Bowl contender.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: I love Peyton Manning. Not as much as The Sidler does with his two fathead stickers in his bedroom, but still alot. It hurt me to see Brady break his records last year. I don't think the Colts have it in them to give Peyton a shot to break the record again, but don't rule out Marvin Harrison just yet. Remember, he didn't actually go to jail, he just gave his gun to someone and said, "Go shoot that guy" but then they couldn't prove it so all is fine.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: I still can't believe Byron Leftwich flamed out. I thought that guy was going to be good. I guess they have that other guy, Garrard, who is solid not spectacular. Also Maurice Drew is very overrated. If Fred Taylor gets hurt, expect Drew to suck spectacularly. And they have Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson at WR. That defense better be good.

TENNESSEE TITANS: Here's a question for you, why not make Vince Young a wide receiver already and just skip the next two painful years? It's obvious to anyone not named Bogart that the dude just flat out cannot throw the ball. Maybe defenses should just not cover anybody and rush eleven guys. I'm sure he'd manage to complete a few when everybody is wide open, but I'm still betting it would be a pretty close game.

DALLAS COWBOYS: Am I crazy or is this team about fifty times better than anyone else in the NFC? Romo is a top QB when he's not out shagging hollywood tail and TO is still one of the top receivers out there. The defense is also top flight. The only real question mark is if Marion "The" Barber can hold up as the feature back, which he can, and if not they have the other rookie RB from Arkansas, Felix Jones, to help out. They shouldn't lose to an NFC team all year. Unless of course they play the awesomeness that is the Vikings.

NEW YORK GIANTS: Poor little Giants. They win the Super Bowl but still don't get any credit and aren't considered a real threat to win again. Well, they shouldn't be. They got pretty lucky to be honest, and the main reason they won, their defense, won't have either of their two top players this season. And Brandon Jacobs is maybe the worst feature back in the NFL.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: I was in Philly once. The Cheesesteaks are awesome and so is the baseball stadium, except that little SOB Griffey Jr. sat the game out when he was going for #600 because he hates me I guess. Anyway, Donovan McNabb isn't very good, and he has less than Tavaris Jackson to throw too over there. At least Westbrook is good.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Another boring team. Seriously if they were on TV there's no way I could possibly watch. Do they even have any wide receivers? Remember when they had Art Monk, Gary Clark, and Ricky Sanders? Now that was a nice little triad. When your best receiver is Chris Cooley it might be time to pack it in.

ARIZONA CARDINALS: All they need is a QB, but too bad Snake's boyfriend can't handle it and old man Warner looks like he's going to be the guy. With Larry Fitz and Boldin they should be lighting up scoreboards. I expect a nice bounce back year from Edgerrin, reminding everyone why he has all those gold teeth.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Could be a nice surprise team if JT O'Sullivan turns out to be a decent QB, not a great bet but you never know. I think their receivers are better than most people think, and Mike Martz has turned Mike Furrey, Shaun McDonald, and Az Hakim into good weapons at times in his career. Frank Gore is pretty much the man.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: What the bloody hell happened to Shaun Alexander? I know he was banged up last year and didn't play well at times when he was "healthy", but he's just a couple years removed from one of the best RB seasons in history. He's been banged up the last couple of years, and I'm not saying he can be great again, but it just seems weird that nobody will even give him a shot at being a backup. WHERE'S YOUR JESUS NOW, SHAUN?

ST LOUIS RAMS: Let's see, you were almost as putrid as Miami last year, and you did nothing to better your team other than draft a DE. Nice work. Drew Bennett is starting at receiver for you. Who is in charge of this team, Bill Smith? Torry Holt is still ok, Steven Jackson is quite awesome, and Leonard Little is a killer, but you have nothing else going for you. Worst team in the league. Maybe will win 2 games. Shame on you.

CHICAGO BEARS: Have they ever had a good QB? Ever? It's like the same thing every year. Too bad that little bubble screen crap stopped working, because now Orton/Grossman actually have to throw downfield which is bad news for everyone except opposing d-backs. The defense is going to have to be even better since along with that disaster at QB they have no running backs and no receivers. And anybody who ever kicks it to Devin Hester should be fined. Except that I have the Chicago defense in a fantasy league so never mind that last part.

DETROIT LIONS: Way to pick up Rudi Johnson. That's probably the change the team needed to propel them to greatness. Although did you read about Tatum Bell stealing his luggage? You can't make that up. Seriously, with Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams they have weapons. Just no defense. Speaking of defense, on my way through downtown Minneapolis this morning I saw a white van with no windows and a logo for a Drapery shop. With the Republican Convention in town? That was either a terrorist looking for St. Paul or a crack Anti-Terrorist FBI group. A drapery shop? Come on.

GREEN BAY PACKERS: Well let's see: Brett Favre was an average quarterback and the Packers made the NFC Championship game. Very little has changed other than Favre. All Rodgers has to do is e an average QB, and the Pack should be at least fairly successful this season. So there you go. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that the Packers' season rests in Aaron Rodgers hands. Ballsy? Yes. But that's why you read DWG. Also, Ryan Grant might even be worse Brandon Jacobs.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Relax, nerds. Yes the defense looks like the '85 Bears, but there's no Buddy Ryan and Mike Ditka here, just a non-genius named Chilly. Let's not forget the QB is untested, unsmart, and ungood. If they could just hand the ball to AP and/or Chuck Taylor all game they'd be set. Unfortunately, they have to actually throw the ball to whoever those guys are they have. I still think a good offense would be the wishbone, with T-Jax, AP, Chuck, and Tapeh. Come on! It's brilliant!

ATLANTA FALCONS:Let the Matt Ryan era begin! What better way to forget about a crappy black thug QB who hates dogs and people and can't throw than with a clean cut whitebread drop back passer! It's a like a Disney movie produced by David Duke. The most interesting thing here, other than that of course, is if Michael "The Burner" Turner can be an every down back. After backing up the Black Jesus and doing a bang up job, he gets the big bucks and the big carries. Of course, the team is basically pretty terrible, so it's a thankless job, but he should be less than terrible.

CAROLINA PANTHERS: With DeShaun Foster out of the way, it's finally DeAngelo Williams time to shine. Except for that pesky first round rookie running back Jonathan Stewart. He's a power back, and the rumor is the Panthers want to go with a power attack, so it still may not be DeAngelo's time. If Delhomme is back 100% healthy and Steve Smith stops beating fools who step to him up, the Panthers will have the offense to go with the defense and will be a top contender. If Delhomme can't do it, maybe Brett Basanez will finally get the chance he's always deserved.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Remember how awesome the Saints were supposed to be last season? And then they started out 0-4 and had to scramble and ended up missing the playoffs, a season even more disappointing than Reggie Bush's career so far. I know, I didn't think it was possible either. So add in Jeremy Shockey and what do you get? A team where Deuce gets hurt again and Bush can't carry the load, so they miss the playoffs again.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: The Bucs should consider themselves lucky they didn't "win" the Brett Favre sweepstakes, as Jeff Garcia will well-outproduce the Vicodin All-Star. Sadder Buc QB news is that Tampa let go of Chris Simms. This is quite a sad day in the W household, as Simms was a superstar in Madden 2004 for the Amity Island Sharks. Sad day.

So there you have it, a little bit for each team. If I forgot anybody, I don't care go to hell. Post season stuff:

DIVISION WINNERS: New England, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Dallas, Arizona, Green Bay, Carolina

WILDCARDS: Houston, Cleveland, Minnesota, Seattle

AFC CHAMPION: Indianapolis over New England
NFC CHAMPION: Dallas over Carolina

SUPERBOWL: Indianapolis over Dallas

OFFENSIVE MVP: Peyton Manning
DEFENSIVE MVP: Mario Williams
OFFENSIVE ROY: Matt Ryan
DEFENSIVE ROY: I have no clue. Like anybody cares.

I don't really have anywhere else to mention this, but I expect Tedd Ginn and Calvin Johnson to have breakout seasons this year. Also, I'm already sick of football.

For the Love of Whatever

Can someone please, please, please explain to me why Nick Punto is hitting second tonight and Alexi Casilla 8th?

[Nevermind. I looked it up, and for some reason Punto's numbers are better than Casilla's now. Shoot me.]

[And also when the hell did Gardy start looking at actual, you know, statistics? Perhaps my prior post motivated Gardy to become a more logical, rational, manager. That's right, DWG changing lives since '07.]

And here's a new picture of Wonderbaby. You can also see part of my kick-ass Cole Hamels T-shirt:


And also Jack Cust is awesome at baseball.