Thursday, July 11, 2013

Sharknado: The Return of Tara Reid (a DWG Live Movie Blog)

A movie called Sharknado.  About sharks and tornadoes or sharks in tornadoes or tornadoes made of sharks or something awesome like that.  Starring my old flame Tara Reid, and the never aging Ian Ziering?  Written by the guy who wrote, produced, and directed Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood! (exclamation point actually part of the title)?  Of course I'm in.  I'm a bit worried that rather than take itself seriously and, as such, become unintentionally hilarious like the rest of these kinds of movies, it's embracing the stupidity (I mean, shark tornadoes?) and thus won't be quite as fun to make fun of (plus the movie poster just says "Enough Said").  But then again, maybe it will be awesome in an awesome way instead of a stupid way.  In any case, I'm watching.  Join me here on another DWG Live Movie Blog.

-   We open with a giant school of sharks swimming in a rain storm.  Something tells me we're not going to be wasting any time here.

-  Oh yeah, and there's a tornado too now.  And it just sucked all the sharks up into it.  So yeah, no wasting time.  But answer me this - isn't a tornado in water a hurricane?  Shouldn't this be called "Sharkicane"?  And isn't that a cooler name anyway?  You know it is.

-  Oh no, we see dudes finning sharks.  If you don't know what that is it's something really evil unscrupulous fisherman can do where you catch sharks, cut off their fins, and then throw the sharks back to die, using the fins to make shark fin soup, a delicacy in Asian countries.  It's illegal and basically just a shitty thing to do.  Hopefully these guys, and all shark finners everywhere, die soon.  Especially this stupid french guy with really bad teeth.

-  This is one crazy storm.  And I know it's crazy because the camera man keeps bobbing up and down to similate waves while they show stock footage of storms.  Now the sharks on board thanks to the Sharknado.  They're all on board.  And they're hungry and crudely computer animated.

-  Ok wait like, some of them are just jumping into the boat to eat french people.  It's almost like sharks don't need a tornado at all to kill people.

-  Cut to credits as everyone died.  Requisite beach montage full of boobs and butts.  At least this movie got one thing right.

-  Ian Ziering is here now and he's going surfing.  You know what Wonderbaby answers if you ask her what sharks eat?  Surfers.

-  We just met a waitress who I think is probably going to be the hero.  Also we are now guaranteed Tara Reid won't be the hottest chick in this movie, because whoever this girl is rates a 10.

-  Another montage, this one of some broad and Ziering surfing.  Feels like filler.  Feels like that might be a good thing.

-  Montage mercifully interrupted by a shark attack.  That's good.  And that chick got eaten like crazy by like 10 sharks.  And, if you're wondering by the way, the shark footage is a big mish mash of a whole bunch of different types (all computer animated by the way) and now they're all hanging out together and just eating everybody they see, and none of them are in a tornado at all - not even a little bit.  This is all like, really fake and stuff.

-  That hot waitress's name is Cassie Scerbo.  Here she is:


-  Ian Ziering and some old guy at the bar who looks familiar are convinced that the reason there are so many sharks and the reason why they're so aggressive is because of Hurricane David which is pushing all the sharks all up the coast, which, again, means this is a hurricane not a tornado.  Also, great theory, 90210 boy.  Makes tons of sense.

- Yes and there's Tara Reid.  Man I was so in love with her back in the American Pie/Urban Legend/Bodyshots days.  She was my #2 girl (nobody ever has or ever will pass Tiffani Thiessen for #1).  Sure, she's now the poster girl for wrecking her body and career thanks to bad plastic surgery, drinking, and drugs, and yeah she's aged but it's not like she's all rotten and gross or anything.  It's more like she's changed from a grape to a raisin.  She's not as smooth or round or shiny or firm anymore and she's spent a little too much time out in the sun and has a few too many wrinkles, but she's still delicious and I'd like to put it in her.

-  Steve Sanders and the beautiful Tara Reid are apparently ex-married people with a kid together, which means they'll end up together battling sharks in a hurricane for love.  Also, Tara Reid still can't act, but I'd still dry hump her in the back seat of a small car.

-  They keep cutting to aerial shots of this place that's supposedly experiencing this horrid storm, but in the aerial shots the water is completely calm.  I love you SyFy OH MY GOD SHARK IN THE BAR!  SHARK IN THE BAR!  So bizarre.  This is insane.  They aren't even bothering with a semblance of a plot, it's just sharks flying around the city and landing on stuff.  I guess that sort of sounds awesome but it's really not.

-  And now the Ferris Wheel broke free and is just rolling down the pier.  We're only 26 minutes from teh start of the movie and completely pandemonium has set in.

-  According to the Newslady on the day after, "the waves also brought several sharks in to shore."  I'm pretty certain that's not a thing.  

-  Somebody found this blog today by searching for "drunk girl puke" on google.  Somebody from Japan.  I feel so dirty.

-  Man the whole city has flooded.  I bet people are looting like fucking crazy.

-  There are sharks in the street.  SyFy isn't even trying anymore.  So the water is shallow enough for people to drive through, but deep enough for a shit ton of sharks to just cruise around in including big-ass Tiger Sharks, which, fun fact, are never found off California.  They are, however, found off Mexico so I guess the waves must have pushed them North.  Makes sense.

-  Holy shit that old guy is the dad from Home Alone.  Wow.  He looks terrible, but what can you expect when you live in a world where tiger sharks are just cruising around ignoring stop signs like some kind of toothsome bicyclists.

-  Ok, last time I'm going to complain about this, but they keep showing people standing/running in ankle deep water, then the cut to computer generated dorsal fins swimming in what would have to be much deeper water, then they show people dying by shark.  As dumb as this sounds considering I'm watching a movie called Sharknado, I feel like my intelligence is being insulted.  And Mr. McAllister just died.  RIP.

-  The computer animation of Ziering driving his car through a bunch of waves or whatever is reminiscent of Excitebike.  But hey, now they're on the freeway and there are no sharks around.  Probably should stay away from the shark infested areas and stuff.  Guess the movie's over.

-  Wait, no.  There's a shark on top of a building.  And now sharks are being belched out of whatever you call those things where water drains from.  Culvert, maybe?  Whatever it is.  And now one just came shooting out of a manhole cover.  There are more sharks in this damn town than at a surfing convention off the coast of South Africa during a bleeding competition.  Waiting for Grandpa to show up to say, "One thing about Santa Monica I never could stand....all the damn sharknados."

-  Now a shark jumped from Tara Reid's swimming pool into her living room and ate Tara Reid's boyfriends head off.  It's ok though because the good guys stopped it by crushing it with a book shelf.  Not joking.  This is the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of guys naked.

-  After the guy died and the shark died the entire living room is flooded with red water because of the blood (and the water, of course).  Ziering's friend guy says, "must be that time of the month."  I may not be able to go on, I think this movie is giving me glaucoma.

-  And where is this Sharknado everybody keeps talking about?  I just see a bunch of lame flooded streets and Tara Reid's face which never moves, but which wouldn't stop me from making sweet love to her awkwardly.  And now the house just exploded.  It exploded.  I don't know either.  I need to drink A LOT faster.

-  I'll give them a little credit, at least they didn't try to shoehorn in some plot with villains and were content to just make the sharks the bad guys.  Unfortunately I'm rapidly losing interest.

-  There's a bus stranded in the middle of somewhere.  The sharks are circling even though the the water is either 2 feet or 200 feet deep depending on what camera angle they're using.  Ziering's answer?  Rappel down from the bridge and into the bus, of course, because who doesn't have a bunch of rappelling equipment in their car, along with like, 4000 rounds of ammo for several different weapons?  If you don't, what are you going to do when the street becomes the ocean?  Huh, pal?  You probably sit around on your couch eating range free cheetos and you don't even have a gun and you're just waiting for the King of England to show up and start pushing you around.  Thought so, pansy.

-  I wish this movie was over.

-  You're never going to believe this, but after saving all the kids Ziering is climbing back up and the rope STARTS TO FRAY!  DUN DUN DUN!  But don't worry, he just barely makes it back up in time.  Whew.  And they really need to stop showing wide shots of the city, because every time they do they just show a calm, normal city with zero sharks in the streets or bars.  Zero water too.

-  Sharks are now falling from the sky.  I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one truly takes the cake.  Not even that hot waitress chick can save it.  And their car just exploded for some reason.  It's possible they explained it when I wasn't paying attention, but I feel safe just assuming it was for no reason at all.

-  Awesome name for a shark movie:  Sharkpocalypse.  MONEY.

-  You know, Ian Ziering really isn't a terrible actor.

-  Now they have a Hummer.  Of course.  Makes me think about Tara Reid for some reason.

-  Now our heroes are being chased by the cops through dry land for some reason.  I think they're trying to get to Tara Reid's daughter's brother who's stranded at 31 Flavors or something.  All I know is it's not raining, it's not flooded, there's no tornadoes, and even less sharknadoes.  There's not even a Jarvis Varnado.  What a gyp.

-  Oh hey, there's a tornado.

-  Remember this?
Good Lord.
-  The son apparently lives in an airplane hanger.  I don't know.

-  Ziering, "A hurricane can pick up marine life and drop it hundreds of miles away."  Oh.  So there's your justification for this entire movie, although I suspect we're talking starfish and seahorses, not 1,000 lb. tiger sharks, but whatevs.  Also, there you go with all your hurricane talk again. Effing false advertising.

-  The new plan, rather than finding shelter since they could, with nothing happening right now, work on finding shelter or even driving further away from the coast, is to "stand and fight." A sharknado.  With things from the local hardware store like chainsaws and an axe and a weed wacker.  And everyone is just accepting that "when those tornadoes show up they're going to be dropping sharks down upon us."  This is so fucking stupid.  It's worse than Arby's. 

-  Now Daddy and Daughter are arguing about how "he's never there for her."  Ain't it just like a woman to bring up irrelevant shit at the worst possible time?

-  The plan is to take the helicopter (don't ask) and drop bombs into the tornadoes to kill the sharks.  Did nobody really see how stupid this was before we got to the "greenlight it" phase?  This is impossible to enjoy, on any level.  This might even be the worst shark movie ever.  And I'm including Jaws 4.  Yeah, I said it.

-  It appears SyFy made a movie called "Chupacabra vs. The Alamo."  I am damn pissed off I missed that one.

-  Nothing like taking a chopper into a tornado.  Full of sharks.  This movie is worse than Wisconsin.  And nobody has died in like 45 minutes.  In the movie, I mean.  I'm guessing several people in Wisconsin have died in the last 45 minutes from firework related accidents and farm animals alone.

-  So the bomb made the tornado disappear.  Why the F don't we just do that whenever there's a tornado here in Minnesota?  Seems like an easy solution.

-  At least people are dying now, as sharks randomly fall in areas which clearly are not being affected by the weather in any way.  Please just end.

-  If you dump gasoline in a pool and throw a match in what would happen?  Would it start on fire?  According to this movie it just straight up explodes.  Like that car that exploded earlier.  And that house.  Suspecting Michael Bay might be secretly involved here.  Or, more likely, his "special" cousin Tony.

-  Oh snap that hot chick fell out of the helicopter and right into the mouth of a shark.  That sucks.  Also we haven't seen Tara Reid in quite some time.  This is probably the part where they were filming but she was passed out because she took all the drugs so they just went ahead without her after drawing a shlong on her face and taking pictures.

-  Ziering (to his son):  "Take care of your mother and sister."
Son:  "Where are you going?"
Ziering (serious face):  "To finish this."

Fucking finish what?  It's a god damn tornado and you know what, when weather conditions change the stupid thing will go away.  Just go in your basement with a flashlight and read a book.  What the fuck?  And how in the holy hell do bombs make a tornado go away?  And where did these thousand of sharks come from that a fucking tornado picked them all up?  They didn't even try to make sense.

-  A shark swallowed Ziering.  Then he chainsawed his way out, no worse for wear.  And he rescued the hot girl at the same time when he pulled her out of the sharks stomach on his way out.  Fuck off.


Anonymous said...

I Love you

goldybobblehead said...

Wow. Classic DWG movie blog. Top 3! It has everything you could want- mockery of science, comments on acting and boobs, backhanding Wisconsin. Only thing missing is the expected naming your drink of choice, or your second drink option not chosen but it was all you had left. Like when to discovered cranberry juice for your vodka

WWWWWW said...

Vodka & Pink Lemonade, FYI.

Anonymous said...

Penis farts

John R said...

Be aware wwwwww -- the normies are catching onto your genius:

Digging for butt worms said...


GopherIt said...

I heard Sharknado 2 has been green lighted by the SciFi channel, more fun to come.