I thought Hawks ate Gophers (or something)

Wow.  That was a brutal team.  I don't recall seeing such awful defense ever, not counting if you played Snacks in Coach K College Basketball on Sega Genesis and he was Michigan State with Jamie Feick anchoring the middle.  The Gophers shot 53% from the field and 45% from three and should almost be embarassed of those numbers.

I've seriously never seen so many open shots and easy dunks.  I have no idea how St. Joe's hung tough with Villanova.  Maybe that was "their Super Bowl" kind of game since they are heated rivals, but that team I saw out there tonight was embarrassing.  They weren't much better on offense either, particularly in the second half when it kind of turned into an "Imitate Reggie Holmes" contest and passing became little more than a rumor.  Even worse, this was Wonderbaby's^TM first ever Gopher game. I hope it didn't turn her off of basketball forever.

Rather than focus on the evil in this world (such as St. Joe's defense), let's just highlight some Gophers who performed well, keeping in mind they were essentially going up against a bunch of cardboard cutouts or those awesomely tight Fatheads. Seriously, I own like 20 fatheads. They're awesome and totally something a grown man should own. You definitely don't need to re-evaluate your life if you own any of them or anything.

- Ralph, who I just dropped in my fantasy league, put up some huge numbers - finishing with 16 points, 10 rebounds, 3 blocks and 3 assists.  He had like, seven dunks or something late in the game when St. Joe's went into their ole defense, but prior to that he played a pretty solid game with some nice moves, including an alley-oop that he effed up and accidentally made the layup instead.  Now I have to think about picking him back up.  F me.

-  Colt Iverson is starting to look, dare I say, kind of polished in the post and finished with 11 and 7.  I'm terrified he's becoming what I wanted Ralph to be.  Although Ralph still has a pretty touch from the perimeter and Iverson looks like he's throwing a hatchet and a hostile injun when he's outside of six feet, so maybe I don't have to worry just yet.

- Blake Hoffbauer definitely deserves mention after putting up a nearly-career high 20 after hitting five of his nine three-point attempts.  His shot being back after a rough year last season is overshadowing perhaps the most interesting part of his game; this guy can ball.  His other stats aren't that great today (3 rebs, 1 assist, 1 steal, and 1 turnover that was actually Ralph's fault please don't hurt me Ralph I still love you), but the guy is just a heady player.  Always around the ball, capable of a ten rebound game, and an excellent assist-to-turnover ratio; I'm just falling for the Hoff in such a big way.  Somebody invite me to a kegger at the U so I can get drunk and follow him around and compliment him so much he gets really uncomfortable but he's so polite he won't tell me to F off.

-  Devoe can shoot that rock like nobody's business.  I think the famous "guy who sits next to us who yells a lot and is a total homer and has almost zero understanding of how basketball actually works" had his crowning achievement today when he yelled at Devoe for shooting a wide open (and I mean wide open, even on a day when everybody was wide open this was wide open) three pointer (which he made) by saying, "No!  Get it inside, No!".  Oof.  This guy would be a psychiatrist's dream.  

-  Finally, this isn't Gopher related, but I promised I'd follow Morgan State's Reggie Holmes and report on him here and so I must.  Also I decided any post that contains a Holmes update will have his picture way up top, so you know the excellence will be broughten - sort of like the Bat Signal.The Bears beat my formerly beloved Manhattan Jaspers today behind 31 from Mr. Holmes on some most excellent shooting (10-17) with four turnovers.  Assists = 0, bringing his season totals to 4 assists and 19 turnovers.  He's still 15 assists shy of his career high.  Stay tuned.

Also here is a picture of Wonderbaby at the game because I know you want to see it.

Friday Fillibusters

Wow, what a long week, am I right?  I could pretty easily not go back to work for a month and I wouldn't miss it - other than the money that is.  As such, I am going to go ahead and knock back a couple few Coors Lights and type random thoughts as they enter my brain.  If you're looking for a preview of St. Joseph's, scroll to the post underneath this one, genius.

-  We'll start with the Twins here, and how guys I wanted them to pick up are just flying off the board.  Iwamura was traded to the Pirates, Polanco signed with the Phillies, Figgins with the Mariners, Scutaro with the Red Sox, J.J. Putz with the White Sox, and Rich Harden with the Rangers.  That's almost my entire list of people I was interested in.  Who's left?

Adrian Beltre is still out there, and still someone I'd love to see land with the Twins, but that's looking less and less likely.  It was just reported today that the Red Sox, after shipping off Mike Lowell (someone I wouldn't have minded the Twins getting depending on how much of that contract the Sox were paying) have decided to move their intentions to Beltre.  It was also reported that Beltre has asked for a 5 year, $65 million contract.  At that price I'd be pissed if the Twins signed him, and we all know there's not way they would so let's just move on.

A name I've heard a lot on the radio recently is Mark DeRosa, another 3b who I would like to see signed, but once again it seems his asking price is fairly ridiculous - 3 years, $27 million.  It's been reported that Billy Smith has said the team has "substantial funds" to put together the roster for next year, but this, like Beltre, isn't a good spend (would you rather get the 35-year old DeRosa or the 31-year old Figgins?).

Orlando Hudson is still available and is probably my first choice to play 2b right now, although Felipe Lopez would probalby be cheaper.  Kevin Kouzmanoff is almost certain to be traded by the Padres and would be a good addition to the squad, but it seems San Diego wants more than just Glen Perkins.  Now, if that "more" is like, Aaron Hicks they should tell the Pads to go screw.  But if it's something more like "Bobby Keppel" (who apparently was more valuable than Bonser - seriously WTF?) or some low-level dingleberry whose upside is playing for the St. Paul Saints, just toss him in and do it and get it over with already.  I'm still convinced Melvin Mora ends up here.  

-  Seriously, nice job keeping Keppel over Boof.  I can't even remotely come close to wrapping my head around that one.  Just weird.

-  Had a chance to watch a decent chunk of the Dayton/Old Dominion game tonight (thank you internet + knowing where to look) and let me tell you something - Dayton is awful.  Just awful.  They have squeeked by ODU, George Mason, Miami (OHIO), and Towson this year.  The only good player on the whole team is Chris Wright, who is actually a beast.  Like, literally, a beast.  He's built like Ving Rhames and plays like a slightly less athletic Blake Griffin.  Consider me very impressed with him, but super unimpressed by the team.  Kind of like Fergie.  Super impressed by the body, disgusted by the face.  That's Dayton.  Dayton = Fergie.  

-  FUN FACTS:  Dayton's last first round NBA pick was way back in 1979 - Jim Paxson, despite Negele Knight having a fantastic 1990 season - 22.8 points and 6.8 assists per game.  Also back in the very early 80s when DePaul was a dominant program (seriously, it happened) they had a 49-game home winning streak.  It was broken on January 10, 1981 on a steal and layup at the buzzer by Old Dominion.

-  Speaking of those FUN FACTS, I owe you one on St. Joseph's, don't I?  Well, Jameer Nelson ended his career as the Hawks all-time leader in points, assists, and steals, won the A-10 Rookie of the Year, the A-10 Player of the Year, and the National Player of the Year, and started every one of the 125 games he played in his career.  There's a reason I referred to it as "Jameer Nelson U" in my preview.


-  And I don't think I gave one for Morgan State either.  But did you know that the best player in Morgan State history, Marvin Webster, played from 1971-1975 and is still the team's all-time leader in points and rebounds, holds the single-season record for points and rebounds, and once grabbed 32 boards in one game.  He also has perhaps the best nickname of all-time, "The Human Eraser."

-  Have I mentioned how much I love the College Basketball Encyclopedia?

-  I ended up having to make a few changes to the final Fantasy College Hoops roster, including the heart-breaking and devasting decision to cut Ralph Sampson loose.  I think I'm just a year early.  He'll probably end up in consistent double-double territory by the end of the year, and then explode his junior season for the first of two Big Ten Player of the Year Awards.  Anyway, here's the final (probably) roster with the season starting on Monday:

G Jordan Crawford, Xavier
G Deonta Vaughn, Cincinnati
G Nic Wise, Arizona
G Chris Warren, Ole Miss
G Mikhail Torrance, Alabama
G Ronald Moore, Siena
G/F Tyler Smith, Tennessee
G/F Edwin Ubiles, Siena
F Luke Harangody, Notre Dame
F Jon Leuer, Wisconsin
F Damian Johnson, Minnesota
F Draymond Green, Michigan State
F Jamelle Horn, Arizona
F/C JaJuan Johnson, Purdue
F/C Derrick Favors, Georgia Tech
C Kenny Lawson, Creighton

Seems like a championship to me.

-  I wonder where Raymar Morgan would have been drafted if he had come out after his sophomore year (if he would have been drafted at all).  He's certainly been in free-fall mode since, absolutely refusing to build off that excellent sophomore year.  I can't remember what happened to him.  Did he get mono or something like that?  AIDS?  I don't remember.  And do you think the chicks call him Ray-Ray?

-  I love how Tiger is taking an "indefinite leave" from golf in order to fix his marriage.  Yeah, this will last all the way until the Masters.  No chance in hell he's going to miss a major - no chance in hell.  If Elin hasn't taken him back, or at least comitted to making it work and giving him "permission" to go play he's just going to go play.  No chance his misses a major.  If he has to, he'll just play the "addiction" card and get out of jail free.  You know, like every celebrity who has ever been in trouble for anything.  Sex addict, alcoholic, drug addict, gambleholic - it doesn't matter, just play the "disease" card and you're fine.  He probalby should have just pulled that shit right off the bat.  But - again - no way he misses a major.

-  Lastly, according to this article filled with a lot of mindless speculation and opinions reported as fact, it seems the Big Ten will be pushing for a twelfth team soon (apparently so it can be known as the Big Twelve, part II).  I don't know who it would be, but it seems clear it won't be Notre Dame since they've turned them down for like, 100 years.  Maybe a MAC team.  That would make sense.  Or what about a Missouri Valley team if their football team is ready to jump to D-IA?  Northern Iowa actually makes a ton of sense here since their basketball/football programs are probably most ready.  Although who am I kidding?  This decision, if we're pretending it's actually going to happen, will be made with football and football only in mind, so maybe Ohio?  I think best case (outside Northern Iowa) would be Temple, but I don't see them leaving the A-10.  In any case, this is really pointless and stupid.  Like your face.

Gophers vs. Jameer Nelson U Preview

I really wish I had watched that St. Joe's vs. Villanova game, because St. Joe's put up a hell of a fight against the #3 team in the country before falling 97-89.  If not for that, I would be calling this a Gopher rout.  The Hawks have now lost five in a row, and the four previous losses were to Purdue by 25, DePaul, Rider, and Cornell.  Not very intimidating.  Their three wins were over Drexel (in overtime), Holy Cross, and a crappy Boston College team.

I'm looking at this boxscore against Villanova and I can't figure out what exactly they did well.  They didn't shoot particularly well (43%) nor hold Nova's shooting in check (47%), they turned it over (16 times to 16 assists), and got killed on the boards (23-39).  About the only real positives I can identify are they bombarded Villanova with threes (10-26), got to the line a bunch (29-38), and had five players in double figures scoring (5).  Based on all of the above information, I'm going to assume that hanging with Nova was more a function of it being a home game against a hated rival, and not so much that St. Joe's is anywhere near that class of team.  I'm also going to assume that they are likely a tough team and won't be a pushover.

So what do they do well?  Not much, really.  They are decidely average in almost every category.  The only stats that really stand out are that they get to the line quite often (33rd) and don't send their opponent to the line much (76th), and they shoot free throws well (73.8%).  On the flip side, they are terrible at both getting and preventing offensive rebounds (333rd and 307th), are a poor 2-point shooting team (45% - 224th), and don't turn their opponents over (270th) and don't register many steals (235th).  And although they are an average 3-point shooting team (34%) they do like to chuck them up (36% of field goal attempts are threes - 72nd), which has to be a concern.

As far as individual players go they are very balanced with five guys averaging between 9 and 13 points per game.  Four of those are guards and their sixth leading scorer is also a guard - this is a small team.

Their main scoring threat is 6-1 combo guard Darrin Govens, who averages 13 points, 4 boards, and 3 assists per game while shooting 36% from three.  He is definitely the team's main three point threat, hitting 2 or more in five of their 8 games, and has hit double figures in every game but two, topping out at 23 against Drexel and 19 against Villanova.  Purdue was able to completely shut him down however, allowing him just three points and four shot attempts.  I'm guessing this was do to Chris Kramer, and since Al Nolen is a better defender than Kramer he should be able to handle him.

As far as ball-handling, three guys split the role with the best being the 6-5 Garrett Williamson, who leads the team with 3.3 assists per game and chips in with an average of 12 points.  He's not much of a shooter (just 3 threes made this year, career high in four years of 5), but has doubled his scoring this year compared to his career average.  Unfortunately for him, he's also increased his turnovers ever year and is at a robust 3.6 per game this season, although that number is inflated by two games with 8 turnovers in his first three, and his last four games he's averaged less than 2 TOs per.

The other two point guards are both freshmen, both are six feet tall, both score in the 9-10 points per game range, and both have more turnovers than assists so far this year.  Carl Jones is more of a chucker, who has hit double-digits four times this year (and had a 45-point game in high school last year), but also has put up games where he shot 1-7 and 1-9.  Justin Crosgile is more of a traditional point guard and is more under control.  He missed the first five games of the season with an injury, but has scored 12, 4, and 12 in the three games he's been back for.

The only inside scoring threat is 6-7 Idris Hilliard who averages 12 points and 6 rebounds per game and put up 22-7 on 5-5 shooting against Villanova.  He's undersized, but uses his quickness to get to the line (two games with over 10 free-throw attempts) and can score.  He pretty much has to if they're going to get anything inside.  The only other big worth noting is Todd O'Brien, who is more notable since he starts and for his size (6-11, 232 lbs.) than for his play (5 points, 6 rebounds per game).

The last guy I am going to mention is Chris Prescott, who starts over the two freshmen guards I mentioned before.  Although he's not a huge offensive threat and averages just 5.6 points per game, he is also a big-time three point shooter and has hit at least 2 in four of the team's 8 games.  He will only be an issue if the Gophers can't contain penetration by the other guards.  I don't think that will be an issue, but I wanted to point it out here because at the same time I'm deathly terrified this guy is going to hit five threes tomorrow.

But that is pretty much all I'm deathly terrified of, but don't take the Hawks lightly.  They may be 3-5, but they have played a very tough schedule.  Even so, they are basically the very definition of an average team and the Gophers have a decided edge in both ability and in size, and that last one might be the biggest difference in the game.  I expect Minnesota to blow them off the boards, and use their size advantage both to not only get easy shots inside but to set up open shots on the perimeter as well, and the Gophers defense should be able to handle a team of mediocre ball-handlers.

Minnesota 85, St. Joe's 66.

I don't have my book here at work, but I'll be back later with your FUN FACT for St. Joe's, don't you worry your pretty little head.

And I can't find a picture of any St. Joe's girls, so please instead accept this picture of a catholic school girl which is what I picture the student's at St. Joe's look like:

Gophers win and stuff

Gophers won tonight - and covered the spread - and that's really all that matters.  They completely outclassed Morgan State, I was way wrong and glad Snacks made us bet on the Gophers, but there are still some minor alarm bells.  Ok, really just one minor alarm bell and that was Kevin Thompson, aka John Thomas Jr., of Morgan State who was able to bull his way inside and register 17 pts and 19 rebounds (9 offensive) before fouling out on a technical that I heard about when I was in the car on the way home.

Thompson is a big, big boy (there's a reason everyone who is me calls him John Thomas Jr.) and he's been a rebounding machine this year and the Gophers are hardly the first team to get shredded by Vin Diesel, but I don't think it's going to get easier in the Big Ten.  JaJuan is a better rebounder than Thompson.  Morgan, Green, and Roe are better.  Leuer is better.  Hell, Manny Harris and Evan Turner (sans injury) are probably better.  If it was just Thompson having a big board game that might be one thing, but the Gophers are showing a disturbing tendency to get killed on the boards by the other big men.  Colt and Ralphie have taken some strides in their offensive games this year, but getting beat to rebounds is going to be a major, major issue if something doesn't change (of course, this is mostly Colt's fault because Sampson is nearly perfect).

But they did win by 30 (and covered the spread) so there's no need to dwell on the negative even though it's probably what will totally derail the season, so instead let me concentrate on two awesome things that happened tonight:

1)  I shook hands with Quincy Lewis for the second time in two years, the previous time being approximately 11 years ago.  Last time I was some dumb kid hanging out after the game waiting for the players to come out of the locker room so they could sign the back of my "3" sign (and Sammy J and John Thomas tried to escape by using an alternate elevator, but some sweet ass security dude tipped us off - FYI J.T. had an absolutely crushing handshake).  This time I was just some dumb ass who saw him walk in and sit by himself (although he was constantly texting - I assume lining up some hoes) who decided to say "Hi Quincy, you rock."  It was epic.

After texting some "friends" about this I first received an extremely offensive text back which I won't repeat here, and then a text about how Quincy will now "suck at basketball" and "probably hit his girlfriend with a phonebook" from Bogart.  You see, Bogart still blames me for the Courtney James fiasco, because not long before the whole deal broke he and I had the opportunity to shake hands with Mr. James after a game - which we did.  Following that exchange, Bogart claimed James was destined for All-American status based on some story about how he heckled a piss-poor Travis Fryman and then shook his hand and the next season he was an All-Star or something I can't completely remember.  Bogart talks a god damn lot and I am not really good at paying attention but it was something like that.  When the "all-american" thing didn't happen and the "domestic violence" thing did instead, it immediately became my fault.  So keep your eyes open for Quincy Lewis related news in the future.

2)  I have a new favorite player.  But not an a "favorite" for real favorite, but a favorite like "holy crap how is that guy for real" favorite.  Reggie Holmes of Morgan State is the most ridiculous player I've seen live since Chris Kingsbury, but with half the talent.  The guy is the chucker to end all chuckers.  He puts Tajuan Porter, Lester Hudson, Benny Valentine, Scottie Reynolds, Allen Iverson, O.J. Mayo, Jermaine Taylor, Stephen Curry, Josh Akognon, Robert Vaden, and Kris Humphries to shame.  He ended up with 26 points tonight, which will raise his season average and I'm sure that's all he cares about, but he took 28 shots (making just 9) to get there, all while turning it over 3 times and notching just one assist (tying his season high).

Seriously, this guy is crazy.  His season assist totals by game are 1-0-0-1-0-0-1-0-1 (and yes, he's a guard).  His career assist totals (average per game) are 0.3, 0.6, 0.5, and 0.4, and he's never bested a 1-to-2 assist to turnover ratio.  Not 2-to-1, 1-to-2.

It gets better.  He's averaging 18 shot attempts per game, but hasn't shot better than 50% in any of them.  He registered three assists in his second ever college game, and hasn't matched that mark again in his entire four-year career.  He once shot 0-6 in just an 8 minute appearance.  He once put together a 12-47 shooting streak in a four game span.  He's never registered better than a 38% field goal percentage or 37% three-point percentage in a season.  And, saving the best for last, in 104 career games, Holmes has had more assists than turnovers exactly 14 times, which is 13.5% of his games with a +/- of I'm drunk.

I love this guy.  We are going to be following him very closely the rest of the season and deep into his NBA career.  And this will be his official photo:

Seems appropriate.

Morgan State is Great Great Great!

I had assumed that Morgan State was going to be a total pushover, mainly based on the facts that 1.  They are in the MEAC and 2.  They were one of the programs you could choose to start with in NCAA Hoops 2k6 Career Mode.  Then of course, Dawger had to ruin it and tell me they weren't that bad and also remind me that they actually made the NCAA Tournament last year.  So let's take a look, shall we?

First off, while they aren't awful at 5-3, they aren't very good either.  Their losses were by 9 to Louisville (respectable), 1 to Appalachian State (bad), and Loyola-Maryland (quite bad).  Their best win isn't actually against Arkansas, who has been terrible this year, but against East Tennessee State, who is also terrible.

The real good news for Gopher fans is that Morgan State is a bad defensive team, but they are also one of the worst shooting teams in the country.  Starting on the defensive end, they don't turn opponents over (303rd in the country) but make up for it by constantly fouling (320th).  They are slightly - just slightly - above average in all other defensive metrics, so the contantly fouling might be a good idea, considering the Gophers are shooting just 65% from the line this year.  Offensively, the Bears can't shoot the two (45.3% - 230th) or the three (31.1% - 244th), but they do take care of the ball well (83rd in TO percentage), crash the o-boards (41st), and both get to the line and make their free throws (both rank 40th).

Morgan State has three guys you need to concern yourself with - Reggie Holmes, Kevin Thompson, and DeWayne Jackson.

Holmes is your perimeter threat, and comes into the game averaging 24.6 points per game - good for fourth in the country.  He's already broken 30 points three times this year and is the very definition of a chucker.  He's taken twice as many shots as any other Bear besides one despite shooting just 44%, and has doubled everyone in three point attempts despite hitting at just 39%.  If you need more, his assists per game averages in his four years:  0.3, 0.6, 0.5, and 0.4 - it's safe to say he's not a point guard.

Before you dismiss him as another Benny Valentine or TaJuan Porter, however, there is one thing about him (other than the ability to score 30) that is very dangerous - he really knows how to get to the free-throw line.  So far this year he's attempted six or more free throws in every game except one has gotten to the line more than 10 times twice.  And he makes him when he gets there, shooting at 87% this year.  At 6-4, I'm a little concerned that he might be too big for Nolen, and I don't trust Westbrook.  Keep an eye on this matchup.  If they can make Holmes shoot jumpers it's going to be a runaway for the Gophers, but if he gets into the lane and to the line he can make it a long night.

Inside the Bears have a nice pair of dudes in 6-8 Kevin Thompson, currently averaging a double-double, and 6-8 freshman Dewayne Jackson, who has scored in double-figures the last five games (including 21 against Louisville) and has a nice inside/outside game. 

Three keys for the Gophers:

1.  Keep Morgan State off the line.  I mentioned this a bit when talking about Holmes, but the whole team gets to the line and shoots a high percentage (74.7% as a team), and they've shot at least 20 free throws in every game this year, breaking 40 attempts twice.  Since they also foul a lot, and we know the Gophers can't make free throws, every time a Bear gets to the stripe that's points the Gophers don't get back.

2.  Contain Kevin Thompson.  It's not that Thompson is a monster scorer (13.4 per game) but he's had a double-double in each of his last five games (averaging 15.6 points and 14 rebounds per) and has just been a beast on the boards this year.  Seeing as how the Gopher interior players were made to look like junior high kids against a couple of nondescript white surfer doofuses against Portland, Thompson has me concerned.

3.  Be the better team.  I haven't seen them play but the numbers tell me this team isn't anywhere near as athletic as the Gophers (the blocks, steals, and turnover numbers are usually a good tell) and they can't shoot.  Minnesota was able to destroy Brown in a similar situation and if they can employ that same aggressiveness they should be able to finish this one in similar fashion.  Be smart, crash the boards, move the ball to find the open man, and knock down the open shot.  They did it exactly as they needed to on Saturday, they just need to do it again.


Overall, I think this will be more of a challenge than Brown, but the Gophers should handle their business without too many problems as long as they play smart.  I almost want to make two predictions, one if they play intelligently and one if they don't.  Since I doubt they will, I'm going to say they win, but it's a lot closer than it should be:

Gophers 84, Morgan State 76.

Week in Review - 12/7/2009

Well, that was an unimpressive Vikings performance.  Favre sucked, there was no running game, they refused to get any pressure on Kurt Warner, and as a result he carved them up like Portland against the Gophers.  I'm not inclined to make too big a deal out of it though.  They were pretty much due for a stinker, and it may even be a bit of a help in the "kick-in-the-ass" kind of way.  So it's alright.

The Gophers were good this weekend as well, but it was much like the exhibition games against UMD and Mankato or whoever else it was - the opponent was just too terrible to make any kind of real judgement.  Tuesday is Morgan State, which will likely be more of the same based on name alone (I will do a little research and maybe a preview if you are lucky), but Saturday will at least be a ok opponent in St. Joe's.  Not a good opponent, but ok.  The Gophers can't afford any stumbles, and will still have their work cut out for them in the conference season, but I am still cautiously optimistic. 

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Wisconsin.  It was tempting to put the whole Big Ten here for finally shedding the embarrassment of never winning the Big 10/ACC challenge, but then I remembered that Michigan and Minnesota both sucked and couldn't bring myself to do it.  Instead I have to praise the red menace, the most hated of hateds, the Roy to my Jim, the Mondego to my Dantes, the Crimson King to my Roland (actually that's a great description with the whole Crimson in the title) - the dirty Badgers.  And what ever happened to Jim Caviezel anyway?  I thought he was a great Dantes in the movie (which I saw in Ames, by the way - and it was better than the book, yeah, I said it) and he was also excellent in a little time-travel movie called Frequency (and had a nice supporting part in that army court movie with a still hot as hell Ashley Judd).  Then he was in a movie with J-Lo and played Jesus.  Those are both career killers, and he did both in a 3-year span and killed his career (to the best of my knowledge).  Whoops.  Oh, and anyway I guess Wisconsin had a good week and Trevon Hughes looks like Al Nolen with a jump shot, a three-point shot, and an ability to finish in the lane.  Whatever.  Redneck queers.

2.  Texas Tech.  First of, let me just say that I don't believe that Texas Tech is a good team this year.  Second of all, I don't think it much matters what I think, because they just keep winning.  They rolled through their super easy schedule to start the season, and were then matched up against Washington this week in the Pac 10/Big 12 Hardwood Challenge, in a game I expected Washington to win by 20.  Not so much.  Tech ended up beating the Huskies by seven in overtime after scoring a ridiculous 19 in the five minute extra period to run their record to 8-0.  Mike Singletary (not that one) and John Roberson are very good all-around players and give them a nice back court.  It seems this team is worth keeping an eye on.

3.  Alabama.  For the football, obviously, genius.  That was an absolutely brilliant game they put together against Florida, and although Teblow did choke a bit - particularly on that INT in the endzone - but make no mistake, the Tide played brilliantly.  I was most impressed by Greg McElroy, the Tide's quarterback, who may not be the most talented player out there but was definitely the most valuable on Saturday.  His stats are nice (12-18, 239yds, 1 TD, 10 rushing yards) but not eye-popping, but he made the throws when he needed too and, more importantly, the runs.  McElroy had two huge runs, one for a first down while the Tide were driving that saw him hopping down the sideline to pick up a big first down by mere inches, and the second was a nice run down to the 2-yard line on the game sealing drive - a run that had the announcers embarrassingly calling it "Tebow-esque."  And that's the best part of Alabama winning - no more Tebow.  Actually it's not so much him that bothers me - he is a very good college QB - it's the constant Teblowing of him by the media and his image and his holiness and his goodness and all that crap that bothers me.  I like my football players to be semi-literate thugs, thank you very much.

4.  Charlotte.  I don't believe the 49ers were really considered as an NCAA team this year, maybe on the fringe, but after a complete dismantling of Louisville - at Louisville - it's time to take a deeper look.  Charlotte beat the Cardinals 87-65 by holding them to 36% shooting, destroying them on the boards 46-35, and forcing someone named Mike Marra to take the most shots of any Cardinal player.  This win runs the 49ers record to 6-1, with only a loss to Duke in the negative column.  Outside of Louisville there isn't really a good win in those six (Hofstra would be the closest), but this team could be sneaky.  The have a nice inside/outside balance (of the top five scorers, 55% of the points come from the backcourt, 45% from the front court), take care of the basketball (35th in turnover percentage), and might have a legitimate star in Shamari Spears (19.7ppg, 5.8 rpg).  In a two week span at the end of the month/beginning of January, they play Old Dominion, Georgia Tech, and Tennessee, so pay attention to see if this team is a contender, or just a lucky team that caught Louisville on a bad day (*cough* last year's gophers *cough).    

4.  Jersey Shore.  This is the new show on MTV and I'm telling you, find it, record it, watch it, live it, love it.  Simply the greatest show I've ever seen.  It's basically the Real World, with eight strangers thrown together in a house they couldn't afford if they pooled their future lifetime earnings, but there's a delicious twist this season:  every one is a Guido or Guidette, and they are put right in Guido Heaven - the Jersey Shore.  The comedy is simply off the charts.  If you aren't sure what a Guido is, look at this:

And every single guy on the show is just like this guy (and the girls are basically female versions who, for reasons that are impossible to fathom, are attracted to guys like this).  What's even better, is these kind of people don't even realize the rest of the world is laughing at them, and all worship the exact same traits that 99.9% of the population can't stop pointing and laughing at.  If you've ever seen the True Life: I have a Summer Share episode, it's like that, but even better.

The breakout star is without a doubt Mike, who calls himself "The situation" and constantly refers to himself in the third person.  Such as, "Yo baby, you know you want to get with the situation."  Yes, it really is that awesome.  He's like Rickey Henderson crossed with the Gotti kids.  I love it.  This show gets my highest recommendation since "The King of Kong."  You know MTV is rerunning it constantly, so find it and watch it.  You'll be pleased.     


WHO SUCKED

1.  Ryan Fitzpatrick.  Good god, is there a curse of Jim Kelly now?  Or is it a curse of QB Bills?  That second one there makes more sense, so let's go with it.  The curse of QB Bills is out of control, and the latest poor victim who would otherwise have great skills is Fitzpatrick, who was 9-23 for a whopping 98 yards (and one INT) on Thursday (including just 31 yards to T.O., who I took a chance on starting in a must-win fantasy game).  Thanks, dick.  But it's not really his fault, it appears nobody can play QB in Buffalo anymore.  Here are the main QB rating scores since Kelly retired in 1996 (wow I am way old):  69.5, 87.4, 75.1, 82.2, 76.4, 86.0, 73.0, 76.6, 85.6, 84.9, 70.4, 85.4, and 74.1.  How bad is that?  I have no god damn clue.  Who the hell can make heads or tails out of that formula?  What I do know, is that T-Jax's career mark is 77.8, which means Buffalo's QB has only been better than T-Jax level six out of thirteen years.  The best a Buffalo QB has done since QB Bills retired was Flutie's 87.4 in 1998.  That's basically what Kyle Orton has done this year.  So the best Buffalo QB in the last 13 years was Kyle Orton.  Yoinks.

2.  Evan Turner.  Not so much for sucking, since he put up yet another ridiculous line earlier this week against Florida State (25-13-6), but for getting hurt and making a really fun team to watch a lot less fun.  In case you missed Turner went up for a dunk against Eastern Michigan on Saturday, got fouled, could quite catch his balance on the rim and fell, breaking his back.  No, seriously he broke his back.  Luckily it's not the paralyzed kind, but he is expected to be out for the next two months at a minimum.  What this really means is that William Buford and David Lighty are going to have to become stars instead of complimentary players, and if they pull it off and Turner comes back at full strength the Buckeyes are going to be awfully tough.  Of course, it's just as likely that the team collapses in on itself without it's do-everything guy.  I'm rooting for that second option right there. 

3.  The Pac 10.  I know this is at least the second and maybe the third time I've singled this conference out, but sheesh they are just awful.  Nobody in the conference can beat any decent competition.  This week Washington State lost to Gonzaga, Arizona lost to UNLV at home and got killed by a bad Oklahoma team, Cal lost to New Mexico, Washington lost to Texas Tech, UCLA didn't bother to put up a fight against Kansas at Pauley, Arizona State lost to Baylor at home, Oregon got crushed by Missouri, USC lost by 26 against Georgia Tech, Washington State got blown out by Kansas State.  The conference's record this week was 5-11, which included wins over CS-Bakersfield, CS-Northridge, and Arkansas-Pine Bluff, and this is a supposed top-six conference?  The best win any Pac-10 team has managed so far this season is either Arizona State's win over LSU or Cal's win over Iowa State - both about the equivalent of beating Penn State.  Wow.  Just ugly.  This might be the worst major conference in history.  They might end up being lucky to get two teams in the NCAA Tournament.

4.  Portland.  So much for them being at-large bid kind of team.  The Pilots got crushed by Idaho of all teams, and looked awful doing it.  The Vandals beat them 68-48, and held Portland to just 32% shooting.  Remember that damn midget T.J. Campbell who destroyed your beloved Gophers?  He shot 1-11 for the game and turned the ball over four times.  Remember Mr. Do-Everything Nik Raivio?  He shot 3-13.  How about Robin Smeulders, who you may remember destroying Iverson and Sampson?  He shot 1-6 and turned it over three times.  Seeing as how this team has already lost to CS-Northridge and Texas Southern, I'm going to go ahead and say this damn near kills Portland's shot at an at-large bid, barring a nearly undefeated run through the WCC, and certainly doesn't make the Gophers' loss look any better.  Thanks Pilots.  You couldn't have at least ended being a really good small conference team, could you?  And I just know noticed that they lost earlier in the week to Portland State as well.  So much for not having to worry about the Portland loss going down as a "bad loss."   

5.  NCAA Fascists.  You dicks.  You total dicks.  I get that you can't put someone like TCU or Boise State in the championship, not when you have an undefeated Alabama and an undefeated Texas.  Ok, fine.  I think TCU could hang with and possibly beat either team, but I get it.  What really sucks is that you are sending TCU to the Fiesta Bowl to play........BOISE STATE!  Come on, man!  We want to see these schools play some of the big boys and find out if it's true that non-BCS teams can't hang with the big boys, or if the Horned Frogs and Broncos are really every bit as good as the big time teams.  How can we find that out if you make them play each other, fascists?  But I'm guessing you know that, don't you?  You know that's what everybody want to find out, but if TCU beats Florida and/or Boise beats Georgia Tech, suddenly it's time to take the non-BCS teams seriously.  Apparently Utah beating Alabama last year wasn't quite enough, so you manage to completely sabatoge everything so the "BCS" conferences get to keep their stranglehold on the National Title.  Real god damn fair.

Gophers try to Stop Skid with Brown

That post title is horrible.  I thought it would be pretty easy to weave "Brown" and "Skid" together into some kind of horrible pun, but it turns out I'm a total idiot. 

Anyway, the Gophers take on Brown tomorrow.  It's pretty difficult to do a good preview for a team like Brown, who I haven't seen play since back in the days of Jason Forte when they were on some channel one afternoon when I had nothing to do (aka The Good Old Days).  So I have to rely simply on results and stats rather than my own genius two eyes.  And in this case the results are U-G-L-Y.

The Bears are 4-5 with a collection of some of the least impressive wins in history.  None of their victories are over a team ranked better than 283rd by Ken Pomeroy's formula - St Francis (NY)-338th, Maine-283rd, Bryant-318th, and something called Philadelphia Sciences which isn't rated because I assume it's nowhere near a D-I program.  Their "best" loss is to Holy Cross in overtime, a team ranked 196th.  Needless to say, the results thus far have been less than stellar.

And the biggest problem here is that Brown is one of the worst defensive teams in the country - maybe ever.  They rank 326th in the country in defensive efficiency (that's out of 347).  They allow teams to shoot 50% from two (231st), give up a ton of offensive rebounds (215th), and never ever ever turn their opponent over (346th - yes, that's still out of 347).  That sounds like recipe to get the offense back on track, assuming nobody throws a ball at Westbrook's head.

Offensively, Brown is a decently ok team when they get a shot up (54th in effective FG%) but the problem is getting a shot up (they are 221st in turnovers, giving it up on 22% of their possessions) and getting second chances (319th in offensive rebounding).  Really, they have no chance.  The Gophers turn people over like it was their job, and Brown gives it up more than Rachel Uchitel 

As far as individual players go Brown has two guys to worry about, both with the whitest sounding names ever - Matt Mullery and Peter Sullivan.  Mullery is a 6-8 power forward who is essentially Travis Busch with five more inches (NOTE:  not talking weiner here).  He's tough and unathletic, but has managed to average 17 points and 5 rebounds per game.  Honestly, I expect him to give Ralph and Colt a bit of a tough afternoon.  I think he can mostly outsmart them.  But there's nobody else here who should give the Gophers even a few seconds of worry.

The second leading scorer is that Sully guy I mentioned before whose name would be perfect for a character in Good Will Hunting or the Departed.  He has averaged 14.4 points and 3.4 rebounds per game this year and is coming off a 28 point game against Holy Cross.  He has a nice inside/outside game, but at 6-5 and whiter than white, Damian Johnson will destroy him.  Like I would Kristen Stewart if given five minutes and a handful of roofies.

There really isn't much else here as far as I can tell.  Probable Voodoo practitioner Jean-Herbert Harris (no relation to Antoine Joubert or Bobby Hebert) scored 18 points on seven-for-seven shooting in their opener, but hasn't broke 3 points since.  Steve "MacGruber" Gruber is shooting 50% from three, but hasn't taken more than three in a game.  Matt Sullivan is probably the most likely third wheel, he shoots 42% from three and shoots them fairly often, but he's only hit double figures in scoring three times and hasn't scored more than 12 in a game.  I don't know, knowing the Gophers some jackass who I haven't mentioned who should be irrelevant will end up scoring 20.   I'm going to go ahead and predict Adrian Williams to have a big game.

Honestly though guys, this isn't really much of an opponent, as you probably gathered.  Should be a walk.

Gophers 90, Brown 65.

FUN FACT:   Hermoine goes to Brown.  No word on if she'll be at the game.

Thursday Thinkings

I'm not really in a huge mood to post anything, mainly because I'm a bit wiped out from a long week culminating in a presentation to our Executive Vice President of Global Sales (which I nailed), partially because I am sleepy from a great meal (Calamari, Caesar Salad, peppercorn encrusted swordfish with fennel and some sort of really good bean mash but I unfortunately don't remember the kind of bean), and partially because I hate all of you, but there are a couple of minor things that need to be mentioned here. Not the Adrian Peterson speeding thing or the Tiger Woods thing, because who really gives a crap, seriously?

- Please note: Despite being a Gopher Basketball blog there will be no gopher basketball talk in this post. Mainly because there seems to be some sort of bizarre lustful longing for Travis Busch infecting this fan base and I don't trust myself to write about this rationally after three Ketel One & Tonics and now another vodka & diet coke (with lime). I just can't do it. People pining for him like Screech for Lisa really hurts my soul. How dare you people let me down like that. And after all I do for you. This is just like the Fashion Show episode.

- First off, a bit of Twins hot-stove talk, or more accurately, other teams crushing my dreams. If you remember, I was very high on the Twins grabbing Placido Polanco to play second base next year but was a bit bummed when he was designated a Type-A free agent, figuring the Twins would never sign him because they would never give up a draft pick. Then the Tigers declined to offer him arbitration, thus removing that draft pick consideration and making him more attractive to the Twins and making me excited. But then I was once again rendered flaccid when I read earlier today that Polanco was stolen away by the hated Phillies. They picked him up for 3-years, $18 million, which is pretty close to what I was hoping the Twins would get him for (I was hoping for 2 years, $10 million but I would have been fine with this).  Talk about playing with my emotions.  Consider me fully bummed.  First Iwamura, now Polanco - it's time to turn my affections to Adrian Beltre I guess, but it sounds more and more like he mind end up back with the M's.  

-  In other Twins news the team did a bit of roster reshuffling regarding the upcoming rule-5 draft.  That is an event where any player not on a team's 40-man roster and meeting certain eligibility requirements that I have neither the time, inclination, or understanding to get into can be plucked off that team's roster as long as the picking team keeps him on the major league roster for the entire next season (this is how the Twins got Johan - sorry Marlins).  There were a few moves, all of which are detailed over at Aarongleeman.com, but the one that stands out to me is that Brian Buscher is not on the 40-man roster.  And he's eligible to be picked.  Do you understand?  Any team can grab Buscher right off the Twins roster for basically free.  I don't think I have to tell you how awesome that would be.

-  In case you're wondering if there's anybody interesting that other teams have made available, I don't really know.  There are some interesting cases, such as White Sox 2006 first round pick Kyle McCulloch or the Astros' Koby Clemens (yes, Roger's kid) who led the minor leagues in RBI last season.  I don't much feel like digging up minor league stats right now, but feel free to do your own research on who might be available and why they are interesting and then email me.  I probably won't credit you or anything, but I'll post it and deep down inside you'll know you did the research - and isn't that the best feeling of all?


-  Hey, there's a Donkey Kong Kill Screen coming up here, if you're interested. 

Yo I'm Here (Gophers vs. Miami)

Ok, so maybe I exaggerated a bit.  Turns out I will have time to post on tonight's game, but only the second half.  Because of the early start, I was on Wonderbaby^TM duty and sort of caught the first half in bits and pieces between "fishing" and "playing blocks" and other various wonders of the baby variety.

The Gophers lead 30-25, and here is what I was able to tell:

1. Al Nolen is playing his best game of the year.
2. Miami is really sloppy with the ball.
3. Rodney Williams is really bad at free throws.
4. Miami is more athletic and it shows on the boards and when they drive to the rim, but luckily they hit a bunch of threes early, have fallen in love with the outside shot, and haven't gotten inside nearly enough.
5. Not nearly enough touches for Ralph.

So now Wonderbaby^TM is in bed, the wife is in the other room watching god knows what kind of crap on our brand new TV, and I'm holed up in the bedroom watching the Gophers on a 13 inch screen. But I am watching. Go

19:41 - Miami immediately tries to drive the ball, gets repelled, and then settles for a horrible three-point attempt that lodges between the rim and the backboard like a Rod-Will free throw.  I like this.

18:56 -  Ralphie dunk on another great assist by Nolen.  THIS is what he needs to be.  It's freaking glorious when he does this - I just wish it happened more often.

17:00 - Gophers miss a couple in the lane and an open jumper, shades of the Portland game.  This team is very good at getting quality shots, they just aren't very good at getting them to fall.  I'm going to consider this a positive though, because they eventually have to hit, right?  RIGHT?

16:40 - Is this guys' name Duece?  That would be sweet.

16:25 - Ralphie jumper!  Unstoppable.

16:13 - I looked it up, and his name is Dews.  That's disappointing.  Also disappointing?  This 23-10 rebound edge the Hurricanes have.  How is that even possible?  They're shooting 38%.  In 24 minutes o fgame play don't you think you'd get more than 10 rebounds by accident?

15:38 - They can't guard Nolen.  Their only chance is to just let him shoot instead of pass.  Remember how far off of Rondo the Bulls played in 2008?  That should be the defensive strategy here for the Canes.  I also want to use this space to point out to you that every single girl named either Casey or Cassie is hot.  It's true.  See:

15:30 - Oh, so apparently thanks to work I totally missed that Royce White pled guilty to something.  Now I'm going to have to spend my free time looking it up.  Maybe I'll just text Snacks.

14:15 - Damian with an offensive tip in.  Announcer guy wants us to know he has great length.  I'm sorry but I laughed.  The Canes tie it on another launched three (you guys go ahead and keep launching) but Hoff gives the lead back with a three of his own on yet another assist from Al freaking Nolen.  That's got to be at least 20 for him already.  He's the next Scott Skiles.

12:38 - Another chucked three missed by Miami.  Good god who coaches this team, Beilein?  I'm going to have to look this up now and see if this is just a team strategy. 

11:31 - Does anybody else think maybe Paul Carter, Rodney Williams, and probably Damian Johnson should maybe not shoot three-pointers?  Am I even allowed to talk badly about DJ?  I feel really guilty right now. 

10:44 - Canes take the lead 43-42 on another three pointer.  This one was open.  And since I know you've been waiting, it turns out Miami is in the upper 20% of teams in terms of how often they shoot threes.  Even more interesting, they actually have the 7th best shooting percentage of all teams on 2-pointers, but are 129th in 3-point percentage.  So yes, by all means stay on the perimeter.

10:30 - Whoa, how did Illinois get back in that game against Clemson?  Last I saw, the Illini were down 20.  Now they're down just five.  It makes me physically angry at myself how much I want the Big Ten to win this.  And it's not even from a rational mind as in raising the conferences RPI in order to help the Gophers get to the NCAA Tournament, it's just from some kind of conference pride.  When did I turn into my father?  I hate all the other Big Ten teams.

8:55 - Devoe with back-to-back threes to put the Gophers back up one.  Take that, three-point chucking jerks.  Maple Leaf power and all that shit.  Speaking of swearing, I'm reading the Bill Simmons basketball book right now, and it's weird because he swears in it.  Not a lot, and not excessively, but just occassionally enough.  It's like you're reading one of his columns (back when he still wrote them) with all it's homerism and arrogance but still damn entertaining, and then he drops a shit or a fuck on you.  Jarring.

7:57 - Since I didn't write a preview, here's your MIAMI FUN FACT:  Rick Barry not only holds every scoring, scoring average, and rebounding record at the school (game, season, career), he also holds the top eight single season scoring marks in the school's history.

7:39 - Westbrook just airballed a 12 footer with the Gophers down one.  What.  The.  Fuck.

7:12 -  Terrible defense on a high screen.  No help, no switch, no step out - not even a show by whoever the big guy was whose man set the screen.  I don't have Tivo in this room so I can't rewind, but I'm going to assume it was definitely not a lapse by Ralph.

6:03 - Nolen continues to be unguardable, and continues to get guys open shots.  And they continue to be missed.  I'm starting to think maybe that 15-footer isn't in Ralph's range.  But it's so pretty and so smooth.  He's like the next Sam Perkins, but without the three-point range.  Yet.

5:51 - Tie ballgame, Gophers go to a full-court press and force Miami to take a timeout.  I like this.  The Canes have been very sloppy with the ball all game, could be a good gamble here.  Or it could lead to thousands upon thousands of open three-pointers.  Also my new boss used the word "irregardless" when talking to me today, and I'm 99.9% sure he wasn't trying to be funny.  It took every ounce of willpower I had to not say anything.

4:45 - I'm about 90% sure Malcolm Grant could go by Devoe just as easily as Nolen has been going buy everybody tonight.  Luckily he has chosen not to so far.  And as I've been typing this Damian Johnson missed two free throws and Devoe airballed a three-pointer.  Bad omens.

2:57 - So I know Westbrook leads the Gophers in scoring and all tonight, but boy does he seem lost out there a bit.  I guess it's a nice improvement from last year, when he would seem lost and just stand around and do nothing.  And he just missed a pretty huge jumper.  Gophers down 55-53, Miami ball, 1:30 left.

0:42 - Westbrook turnover.  Gophers down four and now need to foul.  We're kind of in miracle territory here.  Somebody please go back in time to when I said I felt like Westbrook was in for a special kind of senior year and kick me in the nuts.  This more like Corky-special, not the good kind of special.

0:37 - Or, instead of fouling, they could let the Canes baseball pass it over their heads for a dunk, then turn it over without getting a shot, and give up a three-point play and suddenly be down by 8 with only 28 seconds left.

0:00 - Sigh.  Gophers lose .  Yet again, another missed opportunity to get a quality win, their last chance before conference play.  Similar to the Portland and Texas A&M games, this isn't going to go down as a bad loss, but it's another whiff on a chance to get a marquee win, which could come back to haunt them.  That's less margin for error in the conference games. 

I'm really just so disappointed.  Four big chances for big non-conference wins, four winnable games, and a 1-3 record.  Damn it. 

Sorry Folks (No Preview)

Sorry kids, but real life is majorly getting in the way of way more fun stuff.  And also blogging.  I won't be able to post again until Friday, when I will make sure to get my thoughts up on what is sure to be another Golden Gopher loss tonight.  If you want a preview of Miami, just assume they're better than Minnesota.  Or read one of the other blogs.  Those guys are pretty good.