Gophers Offer Some Guy, Loads of Other Stuff

Top Story out there is that the Gophers have offered Darius Smith a scholarship. The by far weirdest thing about this is Smith's quote that he is not overly familiar with the program and that he has "Caught a couple games on TV. I know [Tubby Smith] is a great coach and it's a good program."

Smith kind of comes out of nowhere as far as the Gophers go - at least to my knowledge - but he sounds like a quality player. He is ranked 90th overall in the class of 2009 by Scout and 80th by Rivals, and has seen his stock rise since some excellent play in the Peach Jam AAU tournament. He's listed as a SG by Scout and a PG by Rivals, so it would seem he's another combo guard and at 6-2 I'm hoping, if he was to come here, he would be able to play the point.

He says he already has a favorite, and the Gophers are late to the party, so I would put the chances Tubby lands him as slim. Although the competition (Clemson, Marquette, Baylor, Iowa, Indiana, DePaul, among others) aren't the type to blow a kid away, so anything is possible. On to other things.....

Obviously there are some pretty big Minnesota stories out there right now, and I'll get to that, but first I want to take a second here to point out an article on espn.com about Clem Haskins. It's pretty much a fluff "where are they know" article, but it's written almost admirably. It seems mostly to stress that he's found happiness by staying away from basketball, and maybe it's because it was written by a broad but it seemed very complimentary of Haskins and the life he has "chosen" to lead.

I'm conflicted, because although I will always remember Haskins more as the one who brought the team to the Final Four than the one who brought the program crashing down, I'm not about to praise his decisions. Even if the accusations brought against him were overblown, as he still claims, there is no doubt he is one of the biggest cheaters in NCAA history - no joke. And I'm the kind of guy who is ok with a little rule bending if it means wins (judge me as you will), this was obviously at a level rarely seen. Which also means no high profile program would hire him. If he did want to come back, he'd have to start at a low, low, low major like a Morgan State (which is where fellow cheater Todd Bozeman ended up) or at an AAU type level (which is where Jim Harrick coached for a while). It's a joke to suggest he's some kind of courageous citizen by living on a farm in Kentucky rather than coaching somewhere. But then again, the article was written by a chick, so what do you expect.

- In Minnesota news, Franky Liriano pitched in his first MLB game since early in the season and managed to put up 6 shutout innings, giving up just 3 hits. It's not quite as sunshiney as you'd think, as Aaron Gleeman also pointed out. He walked three, which isn't a horrible number, but struggled to find the strike zone often. His fastball is nowhere near the 95ish number reported by the Twins, and failed to break 90 quite often. And pitching against the Indians isn't exactly the strictest test there is - because they suck.

All that being said, however, it was certainly a very encouraging outing after the early season debacles. He seemed to have good command of his pitches, aside from strike zone issues, and his slider looked to be at or near 2006 form. It is certainly a step in the right direction, and the fact that they made the right decision and dumped Livan instead of moving Perkins into the bullpen or something makes me smile. However don't expect six shutdown innings every time, and there will likely be some ugly outings, but he's back and he's on his way. I'm optimistic that by next season he will be very close to his old form and could be dominant again. Please.

- The other big news is that the Packers have contacted the Vikings about trading Favre, and all tampering charges against Minnesota have been dropped. So what does this mean? I think it's all a big charade by the Pack. I can't imagine any possible scenario where the Packers would actually trade him to Minnesota. I guess, if they think him being there is too disruptive he might, but I just don't buy it. I'm thinking they probably called the Vikes and said "Give us 9 first round picks and Adrian Peterson and you can have Favre." There. They talked to the Vikings. Looks good to the Favre fans now.

Plus, the Vikings probably shouldn't trade for him. I mean, he basically is Tavaris Jackson with a drug problem and no mobility. Seriously, they both make the same mistakes. They both try to force plays when they should just throw the ball away. Why trade for a washed-up alcoholic drama queen, when we have a young Mike Vick right there on the team already? Don't think Favre's washed up because of his nice stats last season? Guess what, it was all because of his receivers. Don't buy it? Check this out. It's a very compelling post from a nerdy football blog. Performance can't be as easily quantified in football as baseball, but they make a good case. To sum up, "The Packers receivers racked up more yards after catch (YAC) than any other corps in the NFL, even the Moss-Welker-Stallworth squad in New England. On a per-pass basis, Brett Favre's passing statistics were extremely inflated by the abilities of his receivers. In fact, 52% of his passing yards came from YAC, second (tied) only to Kansas City's defenseless Brodie Croyle." There's a whole lot more there, including a compelling case that YAC is NOT a QB dependent stat, but a receiver dependent stat and the point that a QB with a high YAC average is throwing an awful lot of dump offs (I'm guessing the Vikings are career leaders in this). It pretty much proves my point that Favre is basically a football Pete Rose.

- Speaking of Rose, I bought his book where he whines a lot for $3. Expect a review. Ok, fine, more like a throwaway comment when I'm drunk and typing.

- Speaking of books, I'm reading the Tony LaRussa book, Three Nights in August. It's ok. The stories are interesting, including how much of a dick LaRussa is to his family, but the write and notorious blog hater Buzz Bissinger is killing me. He spent the whole intro bashing people who are into stats, and has spent the rest of the book using mind-numblingly stupid analogies at every opportunity. I have it next to me, and on this one page alone we have, "blooping it into center like a falling Easter egg" and "like the steady spout of water from a fountain, where you can't quite grasp the mechanics of how it can flow so easily and yet so forcefully" - and that last one is describing a fastball. These are sprinkled in about one every 2-3 paragraphs, and they take me right out of the book every time. Horrible. And this guy is a professional.

- Have you watched this new American Gladiators? That "Wolf" guy has got to be about as gay as they come. Actually I think most of these guys are. HOT.

- Jesus Christ, Mike Lamb is hitting fifth because he's filling in for Kubel? Just like Redmond hitting third when he fills in for Mauer. It just drives me crazy when people say Gardy is a good manager. If Punto ever has to fill in at first does he hit fourth? And it doesn't matter if Lamb goes 5-5 with three homers, it's still dumb.

- Sure enough, he doubles in a run. Point stands.

- Speaking of Joe Mauer, have you heard the radio commercial he does for Sun Country Airlines? It's on KFAN sometimes, and it's not going to do anything to dispel the rumor that Mauer has no personality. He reads his lines with slightly less inflection than Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It's brutal. Of course he also makes millions, built a multi-million dollar house which included a man-made lake with a golf green in the middle, and has his pick of ladies. But I can read lines with believable voice inflection, so eat it Mauer.

- Nick Punto just hit a homerun. I knew Miguel Batista was brutally bad, but I had no idea he was that bad. Also, the guy is a notorious headhunter. I fully expect somebody to get plunked here at some point after that one.

- Batista somehow won 16 games last year, despite a WHIP of 1.52, a BB/9 of 3.96, and an ERA of 4.29. Yet, people still evaluate pitchers based on win totals.

- DownwithYou is quickly becoming my favorite commenter.

- In between innings we're watching Friends, and it's the one where Ross dates a student. That chick is quite attractive (pictured above). AND from Minnesota.

- Dang, Batista's out. But I promise if he had stuck around he would have beaned somebody.

- I don't think there's a better hitter in baseball than Justin Morneau. Ok, I'm kidding, but dang man, how good has he been? He's pretty much the exact opposite of Mike Lamb.

- Game is boring. I'm tired. And that's pretty much all I got.

Ozzie Guillen is a Little Girl

It's true. I just got home for the bar - one of the first times I've been able to go out since Wonderbaby^TM arrived. Holla. - and I walk into a completely weird situation with Ozzie Guillen pulling his team off the field because he's deathly afraid of hats. It's like that one dude in the Bond movies - Oddjob - who could throw his hat and kill dudes. I think Ozzie thought he was in the stands. I don't know who is more embarrassing, Gardy for getting run (again) and kicking his hat like a child, Ozzie for getting into an argument with drunk bald guy sitting behind the dugout, or the Minnesota fans HOLY CRAP JASON KUBEL IS SO AWESOME SUCK IT MORONS!!!

- Anyway, that whole thing was embarrassing, especially for Octavio Dotel. Remember when he was good? Seriously, you don't remember but in 2002 he pitched 97 innings with a 0.87 WHIP and in 2003 87 innings at 0.97 for Houston. Then he started sucking.

- What do you think Gardy's emotional age is? 8? 12? I'm open to whatever.

- Is there a worse eighth inning guy in baseball than Matt Guerrier? God this dude pisses me off so much. And why couldn't the Twins have picked up a reliever? Or a second basemen? Or anything. Ever. When was the last deadline deal where they actually picked somebody up? John Smiley? Seriously. Was that even a deadline deal? I don't remember. All I know is they should have picked up somebody for something. Also, FYI, I wrote that Guerrier thing before the inning even started, and now he's given up two runs after two batters. I think Nathan needs to be more Rollie Fingersie, and work two inning saves all the time. Also I'm drunk. Go me.

- Want a fearless football prediction? Andre Johnson is going to GO OFF. Like I mean actually stay healthy. Number 1 receiver in fantasy football. Write it down.

- That was pretty much the worst call ever on the Span not hit by pitch.

- For the love of god, stop bunting. Just stop. I almost hate this team.

- Geez, it's like Torii Hunter is out there. Get it, cuz the guy dove and missed the ball. Like that one time in the playoffs when Torii did that? Remember?

- I'm drunk and tired. If the Twins don't win, it's your fault.

Tiger wins again...Huh, oh he's not playing...

Well if you didn’t see it Bubba Watson played like a true champion and just fell a couple strokes shy of the win. Well actually he failed to make the weekend but what did you expect, I can’t just give you the winner every time, I have an 1-800 gambling line for that. Furyk, Weir, Kim and Calc were there so I did have some half way decent players in my folks to watch but Watson let me down and for that I will not pick him again this week. Chez Reavie won going away, played extremely well on Thursday and Friday and didn’t fade on the weekend when no one would have held it against him if he realized where he was on the leader board and simply puked all over himself. Realistically this guy hasn’t even been on the map since January when he turned in a T5 finish, he is a young kid in his first year on tour and he made the most of his best opportunity to win. Now he will enjoy the life of a tour winner, two year exemption, trip to the Masters, setting his own schedule and his pick of second tier PGA Tour groupies. Not bad kid…

The Tour moves south this week for the third WGC event of the year to be played at Firestone Country Club in Akron, OH. But really this is a huge week overall in golf, the Seniors tee it up in Colorado for the US Senior Open, chicks are in Europe for the Women’s British and the rest of the PGA Tour’s players who aren’t good enough to play with the best players in the world head to Tahoe for the Reno Tahoe Open. It is the event where whoever wins will most likely be overshadowed by a whiney little teenager named Michelle Wie. It won’t be because she becomes the first women to make the cut on the PGA Tour, for the love of all things holy if she makes the cut I am going call shenanigans and get the brooms, she will steal attention for being a non factor freak of nature. Seriously, she is six feet tall and Hawaiian (that’s like Asian mixed with short Americans), her parents are six feet tall combined can someone please test this girl for HGH and maybe run a battery of tests to find out why it seems like she is always on her period. I seriously can’t stand this side show and hopefully with a poor enough showing this week she will finally head back to the women’s circuit.

Ok getting back to the real show, the WGC at Firestone. This course is a bear, 7300 yards and plays to a par 70, what that means is that there are only going to be two par fives in play over the course of 18 holes each day. They also boast some of the longest and tightest par 4s on tour and almost every par three can be played over 200 yards. The player that wins will need to drive the ball long, hit a lot of greens and putt like he has a pair. Yes that is the combination to winning a lot of tournaments and no one has done it better than Tiger, he is long, hits a ton of greens and is arguably the best putter on tour especially on weekends so since he is being a sally and taking some time to bang his Swedish wife, take long swims in his money vault (think Scrooge McDuck), oh and rest his double stress fracture and newly constructed knee; who can take down the beast this week? I think these are the top five guys that have the makeup to win here: Kenny Perry, Anthony Kim, Adam Scott, Sergio Garcia and Geoff Ogilvy. Kim is drained, as I said last week, he looked tired coming down the stretch in Canada and this week will be no different top 20 for sure but he will not contend. Where has Ogilvy been lately? Well he hasn’t been playing much on Tour and yet he is back on the radar as a trendy pick, so I will shy away from him because he plays better when no one thinks he will. That leaves Scott nursing a bad wrist, but I think he will still contend, Garcia has been consistent this year and if the putter works this weekend he will finish no lower than the top 5 but I think the winner will be Kenny Perry. This guy has been a fireball lately and didn’t play last week and was not one of the guys that had to readjust himself after coming back from Europe so he should be rested after a week of sipping sweet tea and eating cornbread or whatever hicks from KY do in their free time. Hey Faldo what about Phil? Pound Sand Losers, he will not contend, this guy should be making hay while Tiger is gone but he is not, he is putting like crap and I just don’t think he will hit it straight enough to win.


Dark Horses:
Vijay-Just make a putt.
Rose-Just try to forget this is America.
Immelman-Just quit telling everyone you won the Masters and play golf.

Cink-I hate Stewart Cink, did you ever realize how big this guy is, well look next time he is big...and probably a closet homo.

News and Notes:
Senior Open-Watch for Norman, Kite, Sluman and Scott Simpson
W. British-God I just hope Paula Creamer and Gulbis contend so I can watch the highlights
Reno-Tahoe-Watch for Moore, Duval and Merrick

This is pretty long, get used to it, not like anyone else is posting.

NF

Go Twins Go

Didn't get to type anything during tonight's big win due to that smiling bundle of curveball throwing joy pictured above, but I'm going to say I think I was wrong when I thought Kevin Slowey would suck, but last night was a pretty masterful performance. He didn't exactly seem dominant, but he was brilliant in keeping the Sox from getting the good part of the bat on the ball. Color me impressed. And clearly Denard Span is the next Willie Mays, while Carlos Gomez is the next Willie Mays Hayes. Clever, no? I also think Carlos Quentin may be the shakiest looking outfielder since that spaz named "Spanky" I played softball with this summer. No joke, he wanted to go by Spanky. Like, he preferred to be called that. I'm not kidding.

Anyway, I drive by the Dome every day on the way home from work, and I have a question: Shouldn't there be some kind of limit on how long after a player leaves a team you're still allowed to wear their jersey? I saw so many Santana and Hunter jerseys driving by the stadium today and it just seems bizarre. I mean, I can give a pass I guess because they just left last year, but what? You can't pony up the 20 bucks for a new shirt? And I've seen some Pierzynskis, Mientkewicz's, Jacque Jones's, and Lew Ford's. You're just announcing to the world that you're either too stupid to know these guys aren't on the team anymore or too poor to afford to buy a new shirt (not to mention three out of four of those are embarrassing anyway). And let's not even get started on the mouth breathers who still trot out their Chris Walsh jerseys for every Vikings' game. Leaving aside the inherent toolishness of a grown man wearing a jersey (yes, I own an LDT jersey which I wore in public twice before I realized how dumb I looked), nobody should have ever worn a Chris Walsh jersey. It's an abomination. AND he hasn't played on the team in like five years, AND he's a dirt-ball drunk driver. Nice hero. God you people are complete asses. If you see someone wearing a Walsh jersey, just go up to him and tell him he's a complete ass. Seriously, you're doing him a favor.

And while I'm in rant mode, what is it people around the Metrodome don't understand about how crosswalks work? It's really simple, when the pretty lights say "WALK" you walk. When they say "DON'T WALK" you don't. Yet every time I'm coming home from a game, I have to sit and wait as a herd of elephants crosses against the light. And god forbid you give a little honk to remind them they're breaking the rules. The whole group turns on you as if you ran over one of their faggy little purse dogs or something. Jesus christ people, it's not that hard to follow the rules, and I'm not even talking about the people who cross in the middle of the street, they usually have the decency to get out of the way - unless you're in that Somali-town area over past Preston's on the way to 94, anarchy pretty much rules over there.

You know what else is stupid? There was a commercial on FSN tonight for National Night Out, which I think is when all the people in a neighborhood are supposed to get together and eat hotdishes and somehow this stops crime. FSN is having a two-hour special about National Night Out on that evening. The evening of National Night Out. So they're promoting National Night Out by encouraging people to stay home and watch a special about National Night Out. I really, truly don't understand what the hell is going on in this world.

And I also don't get the constant booing for Pierz-nasty when he can flat out ball. And whiny bitchy pouty Mientkewicz gets cheered when he plays here. Makes zero sense.

You are all idiots.

Forget About Beltre or Blalock

You can pretty much forget about Beltre or Blalock coming to the Twins based on the price the Dodgers paid to get Casey Blake, the Busch Light of the group, from the Indians. LA sent pitcher Jonathan Meloan and catcher Carlos "Smooth" Santana to the Injuns to attain the services of the former Twin, who can become a free agent after this season and is hitting .289/.356/.465 with 11 homeruns so far this season.

That is way, way to much to pay for a dude who isn't going to be the difference between playoffs and no playoffs. Blake is a nice player, but the Dodgers got fleeced. Meloan was ranked as the Dodgers #8 prospect going into the season, and proved he has the stuff to be a top shelf relief pitcher, putting up ERAs in the low 2s or better and WHIPs less than 1.00 in stops at all minor league levels over the past three years. The Dodgers may have soured on him after trying unsuccessfully to convert him to a starter at AAA this season, but that's their fault. The guy has the stuff to be an excellent reliever, with a "plus-plus-slider" and a sinker in the low 90s leading to 335 strikeouts in 263 innings.

The other dude, Mr. Santana, wasn't ranked anywhere in the top 11 going into the season, but that might change for next year's list. This year in High A ball, Santana has hit .323/.431/.563 with 34 doubles and 14 homeruns in 99 games. Not bad for the "throw-in" in the deal.

This pretty much puts the higher level 3b-men out of what the Twins' will, or should, pay. I'd be comfortable giving up one good prospect, but not two, and that's looking clearly to be the price the Mariners and Rangers are looking for, with Seattle even coming out and saying they would require two top prospects to move Beltre. With the Rangers not really actively shopping Blalock - and looking for pitching help - it would probably take about the same. If anything happens, it looks like it would be for Kouzmanoff, but don't hold your breath.

I'd also like to take a look at a couple of journalists who clearly should not be writing about baseball, starting with Charly Walters of the Pioneer Press. He writes, "It will be interesting whether the Twins try to package Michael Cuddyer and Livan Hernandez in a trade for a slugging third baseman before the July 31 deadline, saving $20 million in guaranteed money to Cuddyer and $2.5 million to Hernandez. Denard Span ($390,000) would replace Cuddyer in right field, and Francisco Liriano ($400,000) would replace Hernandez in the starting rotation."

What? I don't understand why journalists are allowed to throw out this ridiculous crap with no repercussions. And they claim bloggers are uninformed and unprofessional. That package is, without question, one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. From the complete untradeability of Livan to the assumption that the Twins would even consider trading Cuddyer (hint: they wouldn't) it's just a complete mass of sheer lunacy. Not to mention that no team, ever in history would trade a quality player for that garbage. I've broken down Reusse before, but even though he's written some god-awful articles, he's never written a sentence as bad as that.

Second is some dude named Matt Zimmer from some paper called the Argus Leader in South Dakota, and it's obvious they don't have a baseball team out there and probably don't even watch the games ever even if their job is to cover the Twins. He suggests shouldn't bother to trade for a reliever. His reasoning: the bullpen is bad and anyone they trade for won't be better than Jesse Crain. His solution: make Francisco Liriano a set-up guy. BRILLIANT! Not to mention that Crain's WHIP of 1.42 pretty much means that anybody they traded for would probably be better than him. He's 173rd out of 269 pitchers with at least 40 innings pitched this year. I'm not even going touch on making Liriano a setup man. That's pretty much as dumb as Walters trade ideas.

Last dumb journalist(s) for today are Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. I was watching the Yankees and Red Sox today, and they were talking about the Damaso Marte trade and going on and on about how the Yankees grabbed a great "left-handed specialist" and how he would be great for a batter or two a night. Now, I'm not a Pirates fan, so it's possible things changed, but I remember Marte from his White Sox days and he wasn't a specialist. A specialist is Dennys Reyes, who, incidentally, my child looks a lot like. Marte was always a straight up set up man, pitching to lefties and righties, and pitching full innings at a time. So I checked. He's pitched in 47 games this season, and pitched less than a full inning twelve times. So a little less than 25% of the time. He's also pitched more than an inning nine times. So you know what that means? HE'S NOT A SPECIALIST. Again, uninformed people making uninformed statements to one of the biggest audiences possible. And somehow this is ok. Seriously, this is what is wrong with America.

Two other very quick things I want to mention:

1. Dustin Diamond is writing a tell all book about Saved by the Bell. It promises sex, drugs, and hardcore partying and I could NOT be more excited. Rock on.

2. It seems Snacks has turned into a full-on Jersey Chaser, the worst kind of member of society. He sent me a text today that read, "OMG this iz so kewl. Me and [MRS SNACKS] are drinking at Hooters with [GOPHER LINEBACKER] and [GOPHER D-BACK] and it's so awesome and it makes me feel validated as a person. I have a boner." Nothing worse than a jersey chaser folks. It's pretty much time to give up on him at this point.

Goodbye Europe, hello Canada you F'in commies!

Well here we go the first real post, I did pen some words leading into the AT&T a couple weeks back but they were lost in the mail, for the record I picked Ryan Moore to win. Well I wasn’t even close with that one but I did say that Anthony Kim would be one to watch for, which he was. Since then a lot has happened Kenny Perry is showing he is hottest player in the world right now and something called Richard S. Johnson won the event played opposite the British (US Bank Championship) and unless you a golf geek, such as myself, you had no idea. One thing to note is that Perry skipped British to honor a commitment at the US Bank event, as he was not eligible for the British at the start of the season. Perry caught a lot of heat for this move but, as he has said, his one goal this year was to play in the Ryder Cup in his home state of Kentucky and by playing it safe and staying in the US he has probably solidified the spot on the team. Some have criticized this move but I for one think it was good; he made a plan and stuck to it. Everyone should be talking about Perry as the best player in the world right now but seemingly everyone is still stuck on the fact that Tiger is missing while Perry dating back to May 15th has played in 8 PGA tournaments, won 3 has a 2nd, two T6 finishes and 2 in the top 50. Anyway you look at it this southern bumpkin is playing some awesome golf.

So in case you missed the British it turns out it was not the year of the Sergio, but there were some seriously good story lines. Greg Norman, fresh off a divorce and remarriage to Chris Evert(she used to be hot when I was 12), contended in his first Major in eight years but alas his ever aggressive style did him in. The guy is 53 years old and yes contrary to popular belief, golf is a sport and over the course of four days of competition it takes a toll even for people like Norman. David Duval gave a preview to what I think is just the start of his comeback to golf’s main stage, a sloppy 83 in the 3rd round did him in but no one gave him a chance to be there anyway so just seeing him back on the map is a good thing. The story of course is that the bulldog Paddy Harrington defended his title as Open Champion. This guy was 50/50 to even play at the start of the week nursing a wrist injury, but when Norman faltered there was Paddy like that familiar leprechaun on the lucky charms box. His lucky charm was a 230 yard 5wd on the 17th that set him up for a kick in eagle, two putt par on the last sealed it and now Paddy has quietly risen to the #3 ranked golfer in the world. Few made any real charges at Harrington, Poulter looked like he was going to be the winner but didn’t make enough putts, no Americans really made any showing worth the price of the chartered flight they took to Europe other than Furyk and Kim but there was too much ground to make up and on a course where par was like birdie few were able to contend with the wind and severe dog legs that are Birkdale’s only defense.

So what does it all mean for this week at the RBC Canadian? Well it means that the most of the big names are not playing, we get to see real life Mounties and if anyone gets hurt there is free health care provided by the socialistic Canadian Government. I am going to be pretty boring here with the picks, Furyk is putting like a dog these days he will be there but will not complete the three-peat (try to charge me Riley), Kim will contend but he has never been in Europe and then played the next week he will be tired but could show up his critics by having a good showing, that horse tooth chump Ames will not be close on Sunday, Weir will probably lose in a playoff and the pick of the week is Bubba Watson, he hits it a mile and has been working on his short game, I think this is his time to shine.

Sleepers to watch for:
Calcavecchia (he has won before), Chad Collins (has won on the Canadian Tour) and Jeff Quinney (his mreasts rival Phil’s, seriously get the guy a manzier he needs the support).

News and Notes:
Did anyone catch Michelle Wie getting DQ’d for not signing her scorecard, this chick is probably the dumbest broad I have ever seen play the game. She tries to exude all this bravado yet she hasn’t won anything and deserves 10% of the attention she gets. She will be playing in another PGA Tour Event in two weeks, early prediction 80-77, slam the trunk kid and go back to the tour where most of the golfers look like men because you can’t hang with the real ones.

Colt Knost, he is the guy that won every conceivable high profile amateur tournament last year, won his 2nd Nationwide Tour event (think NBA Development League but the players are good) one more win and he gets promoted to the show. He is fat, has an ugly swing and has more confidence than a black man in the shower at an all white country club, he will be on the main stage soon and could get a win post completion of the Fed Ex cup.

That’s it, too much seems like too much, well F off its brilliant and you are obviously jealous. I want to thank WWWWW for allowing a complete stranger to post on his blog and Gayslam, wherever you are, for being a complete D’Bag.

NF

One More Night

I have one more night out here, and I'm stuck in another crappy hotel with no car, so I might as well have a couple and see if there are any other thoughts rattling around in my empty head.

- How crappy is this hotel you ask? They don't get ESPN or ESPN2 (but they do have ESPNNews) and the only beer they have in the gift shop is 7 oz bottles for $4 a piece. If I actually had to pay for that, I'd be pissed. At least they have a bar.

- So at some point I mentioned that I heard the newest possible future Twin was Kevin Kouzmanoff of the Padres. I can't remember where I heard it and I haven't heard it anywhere since, so it's probably a bunch of poop, but I wanted to bring it up because I was less than enthusiastic about the proposition, and I wanted to say I was wrong. I would love to have Kouzmanoff aboard. Upon further review, he's actually a very solid hitter who is having his best year, OPSing .756. No great shakes there, but compared to Lamb (.545), Punto (.823 but no way that keeps up), or Buscher (.782 - ditto) he'd be a welcome addition. As Sidler pointed out, he'd be a great platoon mate for Buscher. Obviously for a platoon type guy you don't want to give up much, and the word is the Padres want an outfielder. No way they trade Gomez, Span, or Young - nor should they - but what about Cuddyer or Kubel? There's been far too much "trade Cuddyer" talk, so that should never happen, but I can see them trading Kubel. I don't want them to, if anyone I'd rather see them ship off someone like Chris Parmelee. There are a lot of young outfielders in the Twins' system, so they could afford to lose a guy like Parmelee. Plus, the Kouz hates to walk and swings at far too many pitches, so he'd fit right in.

- I forgot to mention the man Jack Cust as a three true outcomes guy last night. He's a classic.

- By the way, next week is Shark Week on Discovery, the greatest week of the year. Although I have to say it's gotten weaker and weaker. In the past, they'd just have a whole bunch of kickass shark footage and interesting stories. Now they take their "hit shows" like mythbusters and dirty jobs and fit them into shark motifs. So weak. But yet, still awesome. Like the Star Wars prequels. Yeah, you know you liked them.

- So you know how Brett Favre is just like Pete Rose? Because of the the way they were both above average players who became legends because they compiled stats over their 200 year careers? Well how about this whole "tarnished legacy" thing they have going on? Rose because of the gambling, lying and bad haircut. Favre because of the pill popping, alcoholism, infecting his wife with cancer, and now jerking around the team and fans that worshipped him like Jesus wishes he was ever worshipped. Seriously, everyone should just keep him out of the hall of fame when he finally retires in 2020. After twelve more years of playing the drama queen.

- Why is worshipped showing up with a line under in to indicate a misspelling? Isn't that word? Is there only one p in there? Like, worshiped? Hmm. Apparently so. I'm not changing it. My way looks better.

- Christ, they don't get comedy central here either. Nice city. NYC can go to hell along with Brett Favre and Kevin McHale.

- Good to see Mike Mussina still dominates the Twins. As ESPN pointed out over and over again, he's 21-6 (now 22 I think it hasn't updated yet) against them career, most wins against any team other than the Blue Jays (24-12). He actually has better ERAs against quite a few other teams (they don't do WHIP in team by team splits) but doesn't he just seem to dominate the Twins everytime? I still think he's a serious hall-of-fame candidate. He has a shot at 300 wins, which is already rare and getting rarer, but I think people forget just how good he really was in his prime. He finished in the top 6 in Cy Young voting eight times. I know I've written about this before, but it's just really impressive. I've always been a HUGE Mussina fan, and even I didn't really realize how good he was. It will be interesting to see how this all ends up.

- Just saw a movie for the Star Wars: The Clone Wars animated movie. First of all, the fact that they aren't promoting the hell out of this thing tells me it's going to be a nice little stinker. Not to mention that it looks like a trailer for a video game. But if you'll indulge my inner nerd for a minute - well, a minute more - there's a line in the trailer where someone says, "Skywalker is the only hope for the republic" or some such. Well here's the problem. This movie is supposed to take place between movie II and III (maybe I and II but that's irrelevant here) and at this point Anakin is just a padawan or at best a rookie Jedi. There's still an entire army of Jedi going. It makes no sense. No sense at all I tells ya.

- Weird things are happening in the basketball world. First, Brandon Jennings leaves to go play in Europe for a year before entering the NBA draft. Not all that weird for him, since he's apparently too dumb to get into college, but it does set a precedent that I can see money grubbing whores following in the future. Then, today Josh Childress signes with a team in Greece. And this isn't like Lew Ford signing in Japan because that's the only team that would take him. This is a contract for like 6 mil a year. And he's not the first to leave the NBA for Europe (my main man Primoz Brezec did as well as a handful of other guys) but he's the first american to do it. $6 mil is a lot of money. If Europe starts handing out big contracts to mediocre NBA players, this whole thing is going to get very weird in a hurry. It's just bizarre. Petty soon Escalade and the Professor are going to in the NBA.

- At one point today I drove through a town in NJ that had a huge sign that said "Home of Fairleigh Dickinson." Kind of a weird thing to brag about. Although it's about sixty times more prestigious than UMD, so there's that.

- X files 2: The Most Anticipated Movie of 1998!!!!!

- Wiley Wiggins is a funny name.

- So what do we think about this Francisco Liriano dust up? He's like 9-0 with 200 strikeouts and -4 walks in his last something starts, but the Twins haven't called him back up yet and his agent is throwing a fit, accusing the Twins of keeping him down for monetary reasons. (Sidebar: Two years ago Bogart made more money than Liriano). I think this is just reason #126 why agents suck. Liriano sucked when he was up earlier this year. Sucked worse than Boof Bonser. Why rush it when they are playing as well as they are? Give it time Frankie, give it time.

- I have no idea what I just stumbled into, but there is a report about the Vampire Rights Amendment, which is apparently a group of people who are trying to pass laws to help the Vamps. Wat? In case you want to take this too seriously, the show also called the VRA "one of the most polarizing political issues affecting the nation." But seriously, there are people who are serious about this. Two quotes I've heard on this show: The dude asked the girl who was getting her blood sucked by a "vampire" if she was worried about becoming one and she said, "Uh...no. You don't become a vampire by getting your blood sucked, duh (note: she really said duh). Plus, I get to be with someone who has been around for 200 years pleasing women, and that's awesome." and then they asked some rednecks what they thought of the vampires and the dude said "They are an abomination about the bible" and was seriously angry. This is, without question, the weirdest thing I've ever seen, and it was on HBO. I still don't know if it was satire or not. Either way - hilarious.

- Sarah Chalke still hot.

- Does anyone else think this whole podcast thing has ruined the Sportsguy?

- the U of Texas is retiring Kevin Durant's number. I know he had one incredible season, but he had one incredible season. I don't get why they'd retire his number. Shouldn't that be saved for players who, you know, had an impact greater than five months?

- And that will do it

This is not a Good Day

No big shocker here, but I was unable to get to the Yankee/Twins game tonight at Yankee stadium. Due to a delayed flight, the worlds longest line at the rental place, incredible New York traffic, and drive incompetence by the time I got to my hotel the game was already in the third, so there was no real point. But what really makes me realize my jackassery, is that I was so focused on getting to the damn Yankee/Twin game I completely ignored the Mets. Who were playing at Shea. Shea, which I drove right past, including signs that said "All Shea Stadium Parking exit here" implying there is actually parking there. Not to mention that Johan was pitching. Against the Phillies, a team I really like. So I could have just gone to that game with little frustration. Instead, I ended up having to watch the Yankees/Twins at Hooters, the only "sports bar" in this crapass crap town. So I thought I'd be at Yankee Stadium, and ended up at Hooters. Kind of like I set out for the Louvre and found myself in Chateau d'If.

- Hooters is so crappy, I felt really dirty just being there and all I wanted was to eat some wings and watch the game. It was full of dirty old men in sweatpants who were there by themselves and couldn't tear their eyes away from the not very attractive wait staff. And the wings were terrible. And so was the service. So I left. Turns out, this shitbox hotel doesn't get YES, the Yankee network, so I can't watch the game here. But they have an option to order the DirecTV MLB ticket, so I did that for $9.99 (which my company will pay for, god bless them). But, because I'm in NJ almost NY, the game is blacked out. So there's no way I can watch it other than going back to Hooters, and I'd rather trade for LenDale White than do that. So I'm "watching" it on yahoo.

- The good news though is that I want to get the most out of my purchase, so I'm betting on all the late games. I took the Dodgers, Cubs, Angels, Red Sox, and Nationals. I had to bet on my boy Clayton Kershaw. Look out for this kid. And not the Andrew Miller kind of look out, the good kind. Also, betting websites should never, ever change their interface. It makes it very difficult for drunken degenerates.

- So yeah, I got a little lost on the way to the hotel coming out of JFK. I somehow ended up driving through Harlem, which was actually less terrifying than I would have expected. It wasn't like the movie depictions of Rwanda like I expected. Didn't see former WWF wrestler Bad News Brown there though, which was pretty disappointing. I'm still pretty sure most of NYC is still a cesspool though. Except Queens, I kind of like Queens.

- Nice to see that after I left Hooters the Twins managed to implode. This team is so horrible, don't let their record fool you, they're out performing their expected win/loss record by a good margin. It was very nice to see Span leading off and Gomez hitting ninth, though. I'm pretty sure that's the first decision Gardy has ever made that I agree with. Sidenote: listening to Yankee radio, the announcers LOVE Gardy. Love him. Like a fat kid loves cake. I totally don't get it.

- You know what really bothered me about Hooters though, was one of the slogans they had on the waitress's t-shirts. They had a bunch of different ones, and one of them was pretty good (Hooters: More than a mouthful) but the one that really pissed me off was Hooters: Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined. Um, tacky and unrefined mean pretty much the same thing, asshats. Nice marketing department. Just stick to boobs and wings and leave everything else alone.

- Don't worry, I managed to find a liquor store, so I have plenty of beer.

- So you're probably wondering about the golf tournament I played in yesterday. It did not go well. I was the best player on our team, and when that happens you know you are in major trouble - although I did chip in from about 40 yards on the first hole. We were totally outclassed, as we shot +2 while the winning score was -20. There were some rules in place to make scores a little better, which makes our +2 all the more embarrassing. Oh well, we raised money for a good cause and got to spend the day out of the office. Also, Clayton Kershaw sucks.

- At one of the upcoming games at Yankee Stadium they are giving away a "Derek Jeter Uno Deck." I really wish I was making this up. Also I just figured out that the Mariners pitcher tonight, RA Dickey, is a knuckleballer, and I love me some knuckleballers ever since Charlie Hough - and I can throw a solid one myself. Of course, guess which game isn't offered on this MLB package.

- It's not a trade that is going to get a whole lot of press, but can someone explain to me why the Astros would trade minor league prospect Chad Reineke for old man Randy Wolf of the Padres? They aren't in contention, being twelve games out in the division and ten games in the wildcard race and are a bad, bad team. It's not to save money, because Reineke is a minor leaguer with no major league service time, and Wolf will cost them somewhere around 3 million this year. It's not for the future, because Wolf is a free agent at the end of the season and has already said he'd be interested in signing with the Padres again after the season. Guess what else? Reineke isn't just some no name minor leaguer. Going into the season he was ranked as the #6 prospect in the Astros system. They're still trying to figure out if he's better suited to a starting or relieving role, but he's certainly worth more than two months of a 31-year old below average starter with a career WHIP of 1.35. Weirdest trade ever. Reineke must be a pedophile or something. The only rationale I can find anywhere is a quote from Astros GM Ed Wade, who said , "I've known Randy since the day he signed his first professional contract. I can say without hesitation that he brings every quality that you'd want in a member of your team, both on and off the field." Well, you know, except for getting batters out and such. But at least he ain't no gad durned pedophile.

- I'm watching the Nats/Giants game and it's the Washington feed, and the Nationals' GM is talking about Cristian Guzman and it's kind of like listening to John Madden talk about Brett Favre or Bert Blyleven talk about any Twin in history. On the one hand, I want to like the guy because he's referenced WHIP and multiple year statistical trends, but on the other hand he called Guzman a leader who plays the game the right way. He must be on drugs.

- I haven't written any basketball in a while, so here's a quick, non-researched take on the Big Ten: It's going to be a tough season for our beloved Gophers. Besides having the worst mascot in history, they are going to be extraordinarily inexperienced. I have high hopes for the newcomers, but it's going to be tough. Bostick looks like he'll be a good scorer, and I think Joseph and Sampson will become high quality guys, but don't know how soon. I'm not super confident in Paul Carter or Colt Iverson but I trust Tubby. I'm guessing it will take them at least a year to round into shape. If Nolen can take a step forward, it will go a long way towards helping the team, and I think DJ can be a total beast. The good news is most of the Big Ten looks like a suck. Iowa, Northwestern, Indiana, Penn State, Michigan, and Illinois will be garbage. Michigan State will be good but might take a small step back. Wisconsin is always good, no matter what their talent looks like. It's kind of a minor miracle, Bo Ryan must be some kind of jesus guy. Ohio State is reloading as if they're the football team now. Purdue looks like the team to beat, but with all the sub-mediocrity going on the Gophers could easily finish in the middle of the pack. There you go.

- I'm going to come clean here. I don't really like football that much. I watch it, I enjoy it, I dominate fantasy football, but I don't like it the way I do baseball and college basketball and even golf. I especially can't find it to get into college football. But even I know that Gopher Nation's comparison of Juice Williams to Mike Vick is harsh. Is it accurate? I don't know. I think I heard of Juice Williams once and then I laughed because his name is Juice and missed the rest of whatever they were saying.

- So, yeah, here's a preview of Step Brothers on right now. Does anyone else think Will Ferrell makes way too many movies? I mean, I think he's funny and I'm a fan, but take break once in a while. Semi-Pro was horrible, and Talledegha Nights wasn't much better. That one where he was serious wasn't good either, and Step Brothers looks like it's going to be brutal. When is he going to be funny again? I haven't laughed at Will Ferrell since this.

- Abu Shamala dominating in world competition. From the Barn has all the relevant links and comments. I don't even have anything to add. I don't have the energy. And since I'm linking all the Gopher blogs I'm aware of, PJS went ahead and did his fancy "research" and found a really solid Tubby interview. I say really solid because it sounds like the kind of thing gopher fans should read, not because I actually read it. Because I didn't. But I will. Tomorrow.

- Last Minnesota blog bit, but if I haven't recommended it before, a quality daily read is TNABACG, which I'm almost certain stands for The National Anthem Before a Cubs Game, but it's a Minnesota blog. I don't get it either, but he's a quality read. I know I have him linked on the right over there, but I want to call him out. He doesn't have us linked on his site, which probably means he has bad taste, but still, quality output. I won't hold it against him. Yet.

- I really hate people who call shoes "kicks." Don't do it.

- So I guess I usually do a thing where I say some girl is hot at some point in all this mess. The first one who comes to mind is Cobie Smulders (seen above). Worst name ever? Yes. Hot? Yes. And she's brilliant as Robin on How I Met Your Mother, a truly underrated show also starring Jason Segal of Freaks and Geeks fame whose penis I also saw far, far too often in Forgetting Sarah Marshall which was awesome and also starred the superhot Mila Kunis who was on That 70's Show which, funny, is actually on right now until I change the channel like right now because that show sucks. I also really like Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?), but I know I'm in the minority there so I won't bother posting a picture.

- ESPNU has wrestling on right now. God that's hot.

- So Nick Faldo, frequent commenter on DWG, has joined staff as our golf writer guy since Grandslam is missing in action and both Theory and Dr Acula are to wussy to write anything. Or at least I think so. We have had a communication issue over the past two weeks, but hopefully something from him shows up tomorrow for the FBR Canadian Open. You want a quick W style precap: Furyk should win, and will play well but won't. Weir won't be able to handle the home country pressure yet again, as Anthony Kim and Camilo Villegas go down to the wire, with Villegas picking up his first PGA Tour win (I think). If you're in my fantasy golf league don't take any of those guys.

- Tila Tequila should be lit on fire. I don't even know why she's famous.

- In case you missed it, Gopher sort of target and highly ranked PG Mfon Udofia comitted to Georgia Tech. It was pretty clear he wasn't coming to the Gophers, but this just makes Lacy all that much more important. Can Udofia be the next Mark Price, Travis Best, Kenny Anderson, or Stephon Marbury? I'm going to say no. He's going to hope he's the next Matt Causey.

- Sarah Chalke is still hot. Oh, Scrubs is on. Sorry. Point stands.

- You know what pisses me off? This whole Mario Kart shortage. Since I assume you aren't me, here's what's going on: You can't find it anywhere, and the few places that do get it from time to time sell out just after they open. How can there be a shortage of a game? It makes no sense. Here's what you need to make a game: a program, a CD, an amaray, a book, and a label. Do you see anything in that list at all that would suggest a shortage? Anything other than the program would suggest a whole Wii game line shortage, which hasn't happened. And considering they are pumping out a few games every couple of weeks, I don't think the program became corrupted. The only explanation is an intentional shortage by Nintendo to pump up demand. That is so aggravating. Seriously, when I eventually find this game in a store I'm still going to buy it but when I do I'm going to be all huffy about it, so take that, Nintendo.

- Please, please, please tell me this whole Blue Collar Comedy fad is over. Please. I actually prefer Croc shoes to the Blue Collar Comedy thing, especially that god damned Ron White. Also, if you have ever worn Crocs please stop reading this blog forever. Thanks.

- Remember when Jason Lee was funny?

- I think I'm pretty much done here, but one thing I thought of lately was Three True Outcomes in baseball. It refers to strikeouts, walks, and homeruns because those are the three possible pitcher/batter results that don't involve the other players on the field, in general. Guys like Adam Dunn, Rob Deer, and Russ Branyan are classic TTO guys. It doesn't necessarily mean anyone is better or worse than anyone else, it's just a thing. Interestingly, the Twins are about as far away from TTO as possible. They're in the bottom seven in MLB in all three true outcomes. Not that it means much, it's just interesting to nerds.

- Get this. I'm ready to call it a night, and I need a water because that's just what I need at the end of the night, but for whatever reason this hotel doesn't supply any and there's no vending machines either. I'm not going to drink tap water because I'm far too fancy for that so I go down to the front desk gift shop thing to get one. It's really, really small, and as I'm getting my water some d-bag comes in after me. He's sees my hat (Twins) and says "hey what's that hat." And I say "the Twins." And he says, "The Minnesota Twins?" so I say yes. Now, keep in mind I can't get past him without pushing him out of my way, not a bad option at this point. He asks if I was at the game and I say no and blah blah blah and he asks where I work after I tell him that's why I'm out here and it's a fairly well known company - keep that in mind. He asks - again - why I didn't go to the game and I tell him about getting in late and then explain the whole subway issue - you know, how you have to go down into the city and then back up and it would take two hours each way and all that. Then he says, and I'm not kidding, "So wait, you work for Subway?" Yet, if I was to punch him square in the junk, I'd be the one arrested. How is that fair?

Fun with numbers

First of all, why hasn't anyone told me about the supreme goodness that is Surly Brewing Co. beer? I propose a DWG convention for a brewery tour there.

With that out of the way, let's look at some numbers. I'm still trying to get over the Beltre thing and haven't given up all hope...but I am trying to move on. I dug up some 07-08 stats of other third basemen that might be available, here they are:

Check out the comments to see who the players are (and see my motive), I can't type any more after hearing Stu Scott call St. Louis "Saint Boogie" again.

Hey now, don't dream it's over

Sorry WWWWWW, I'm stomping on your latest post.  But I have to provide an update:

This Beltre thing...I'm afraid it isn't looking so good.

A combination of laziness and incompetence led to LaVelle writing about it before I did, but here's his opening line

Indications are that the Twins will not swing a deal with Seattle for third baseman Adrian Beltre

These are the primary hold-ups:

1. The Mariners are asking for too much--not a surprise, Beltre is arguably their most valuable trading chip especially with Bedard on the shelf.
2. Seattle has an interim GM.  The guys at USS Mariner (one of the best baseball blogs around) think ownership isn't going to hand the keys to a major sell-off to the new guy.
   
3. The Mariners have no real 3B options behind Beltre, and despite what idiot callers on KFAN think, Mike Lamb will not be looked at as an asset by the rest of the league.
   
4. In a relatively weak division and an over-$100 mil payroll, the Mariners aren't going to enter an all-out rebuilding phase.
   
5. The Phillies are morons.  Blanton's essentially a fatter, less insane Kyle Lohse v.2005 and they gave up 3 of their top 10 prospects to get him.  This is going to drive up the price, at least up until hours before the deadline.
   

In that same blog post, LaVelle says Garrett Atkins is probably unavailable as well.

I don't see Blalock (proudly walking around with a fork in his back since 2006) or Blake as big enough upgrades to justify the prospect cost it will take to get them.  At least the Delmonator is showing some signs of life.  WWWWWW, think we should pick him up now?