Week in Review - 04.04.2011

 The Final Four and opening weekend of baseball at the same time?  It's almost too much goodness.  If only there was some way to move the Masters up, although I suppose that would be overload a bit.  I was a bit bummed by the Final Fours games, only because even though they were close games and entertaining they were kind of boring each time.  Game 1 had both underdog cinderellas while game two had both evil superpower cheaters (although Kentucky/Calipari is far worse, obviously).  No real good narrative to be written for either game.  It's kind of like if Duke played the Yankees, other than rooting for a disaster, natural or otherwise, who would you root for?  At least tonight's championship sets up pretty nicely, although I won't be pissed no matter who wins which kind of takes some of the fun out of it.  My picks will be given below.  I'm hot, baby.  2-0 on game bets and 7-3-1 on player props in the semis.  Take notes, kiddos.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Clay Kershaw.  Oooh baby.  It begins.  I've been waiting on Kershaw since I saw him pitch his first ever game a few years ago and maybe this is the year.  He's been very good the last two seasons, registering ERAs under three with more than a strikeout per inning both in both years, but still hasn't had that breakthrough, I'm a #1 ace Cy Young candidate and everyone can just get out of the way because I'm unhittable type of season yet. He got off to a good start, assuming that's his goal, on opening day by pitching the Dodgers to a 2-1 win over the Tim Lincecum and the World Champion Giants, going 7 shut-out innings with 9 strikeouts and allowing just 4 hits and a walk.  He's always been tough to hit and if he can keep his walks down like that he's going to finally win that Cy Young I've been predicting for three years.

2.  Kemba Walker.  Outside of Shelvin Mack's little solo mini-run of points in the VCU/Butler game no single player really jumped out at me for his performance, but this seems like a nice place to honor the incredible run Walker has been on, particularly since he put up 18 points, grabbed 6 rebounds, and dished 7 assists in UCONN's win over Kentucky and it seemed like an off game for him - that's saying a lot.  He just does whatever they need and can will them to victory.  If they need him to score, he scores (33 vs. Cincy and 36 vs. San Diego State), but if they need him to play the role of distributor he does that too (12 assists against Bucknell, 7 in each of the last two games).  He's also averaging over 5 rebounds per game, has gone 38-42 from the free throw line, and is averaging less than 3 turnovers per game which is pretty amazing when you think about how often he has the ball in his hands.  It's truly been a remarkable year for him this entire season, and it wouldn't remotely be offensive to me if he takes down the championship, even if Calhoun is a sleazeball.

3.  Baltimore Orioles.  Perhaps Baltimore's young pitching is going to pay dividends faster than expected (or perhaps the Rays offense is in serious trouble without Evan Longoria who is out for three weeks after getting sore having sex with so many chicks because he's a machine), but they shut down the Rays this weekend and got the O's off to a 3-0 start for the first time since I'm going to assume the 1970s.  First Jeremy Guthrie (who's actually old) pitched 8 scoreless innings in the opener.  Then Chris Tillman pitched six hitless innings in game two, and then in the third game of the series Zach Britton made his major league debut and gave up just one run through six, helping complete the O's sweep of Tampa.  I don't know if this is more indicative of the strength of Baltimore or the weakness of Tampa, but for now at least I choose to believe maybe Baltimore is back, if only a little bit.  The world just seems a little brighter when there's a good team playing in Camden Yards.


4.  Nelson Cruz.  For a long time I dismissed Nelson Cruz as being any good, mainly because his name is Nelson.  Also because he's a Ranger and the Rangers are super lame-o.  I think, however, it's time to rethink that stance because he's apparently decided that his new thing is going to be destroying baseballs, which he did three times in three games over the weekend as the Rangers obliterated Red Sox pitching (more on that later) with Cruz and Kinsler becoming the first pair of teammates to ever each homer in the season's first three games.  Hard to believe Hrbek and Brunansky never pulled that off, but whatever.  It seems like Texas might actually be a good team, which goes against everything I believe in.  Like church.

5.  Joakim Soria.  MEXICUTIONER!!!!  Want to know how good this guy is and how dependent on him the KC bullpen is?  The Royals have played three games this year and he's pitched in all three of them.  He's picked up a win, a save, and given up zero runs.  It is a bit curious that he doesn't have a strikeout yet this year in three innings despite having a career average of more than 1 K per inning, but I assume he's either realized strikeouts are fascists and doesn't want to promote an oppressive political ideology or he's bored of dominating for such a crappy team and has just been screwing around out there and may or may not being throwing every third pitch left-handed.  In any case this guy is straight dominant, and the fact that he doesn't want to be called the Mexicutioner makes it all the more better to call him that.

WHO SUCKED


1.  Minnesota Twins.  The 1-2 start doesn't particularly bother me because it was on the road against a pretty good Blue Jay team, and even the dismal offense and subpar pitching performances aren't what's currently grinding my gears.  It's the god damn stupid plays, the kind of stuff "Twins Baseball" doesn't consist of if you ask any retarded national journalist or announcer.   Where to begin?  The obvious Nishioki errors or the inability to get runs home when they're in scoring position with two outs?  The lack of hustle by Span in center field which allowed a runner to tag from first to second on a medium deep fly ball and later turned a double into a triple when he loafed after a gapper?  Valencia getting thrown out at home by five feet on a play where he had zero reason to even attempt to score?  How about the way too many walks to bottom of the order opponents?

And want to move it into the dugout?  What the hell was the deal with pinch-running for both Morneau and Kubel in the 8th in Sunday's game?  Taking two of your best hitters out of a 1-run game for a speed upgrade and basically guaranteeing yourself a loss if we hit extras?  Even worse than that though was letting Drew Butera hit in a 1-run game with runners on 2nd and 3rd and two outs in the 8th when you have Joe Mauer sitting on your bench.  Absolutely pathetic.  You're telling me that your best player and a guy you pay $23 million a year to can't get off his ass for one at-bat and two innings of playing catcher?  Just completely gutless and pathetic, and I don't know if I'm more mad at Mauer or Gardenhire, but every game counts you assholes.  Some of these decisions are the kind you'd make if you were actively trying to lose the game.  Manager of the year, folks.  Manager of the year.

I do not like the way this season is going already.  I know it's early, and if I was ranting about the hitting or pitching or a specific players early struggles I'd be an overreacting moron, and I'm sure they're out there.  But what I'm saying is there is something off about this team and they are playing stupid and Gardy's managing is worse than usual.  I'm afraid we're destined for a third place finish.  At least they won't get swept by the Yankees in the playoffs this year.

2.  Boston Red Sox.  Yikes.  I'm not a Boston fan at all, and although I have Lester, Buchholz, and Papelbon in fantasy I also have a wager on them under 95.5 wins so I'm kind of conflicted about their fortunes.  Who isn't conflicted is any Texas Ranger hitter, because they battered the shit out of anybody Boston trotted out to the mound.  Jon Lester:  5 ips, 5 runs, 3 homers allowed.  "Closer of the future" Daniel Bard:  allowed 4 runs and got two outs.  Jon Lackey:  allowed 9 runs and 10 hits in less than 4 innings.  Clay Buchholz:  gave up four dongs in six innings, and even when they brought in Papelbon to stop the bleeding he gave up a run and was lucky to escape with just that solitary mark against him.  This, my friends, was a thorough, thorough ass-whipping, and if I didn't own those three dickfors I'd have thoroughly enjoyed it. 

3.  Fausto Carmona.  When you're a moribund franchise going through a moribund period in your moribund existence and you really only have one or two bright spots, even if the bright side of one of those bright spots is that you might be trading him soon, it really sucks when he gets lit for 11 hits and 10 runs in just three innings.  Eleven hits.  Ten runs.  Three innings.  And this is from one of only three players you'd even consider league average (maybe four if you count set up guys - Rafael Perez).  You want to know what this baseball season is going to be like in Cleveland?  It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's going to last you for the rest of your life.  And the Twins will probably go .500 against them.

4.  DeAndre Liggins.  Ok, so he's a pretty insignificant player overall but he's also a starter on a Final Four team and, if you follow me on Twitter, you know he made me some money this weekend so I'm sticking him here.  When they were announcing players in the starting lineup before the game they showed his face and let's just say "deer in headlights" doesn't quite cover it, it was more like had been caught having sex with a tree - a male tree.  So I checked the line on him and he was OVER/UNDER 13.5 points+rebounds so I slapped down some money on the under, and bingo - four points (on 1-7 shooting) and 0 rebounds later I had a little extra to blow on booze.  So thank you Deadre Liggins, and thank you sportsbook for still accepting prop bets that close to tip off.  I'll be paying attention to the announcements tonight, that's for sure.

5.  John Axford.  This guy may be awesome at having a mustache, but he sucks at pitching (in case you have no idea who this is, he's the closer for Milwaukee with the sweet stache pictured below).  Axelford pitched twice this week against the Reds and, possibly because he wanted to fit in with the rest of the Brewers' staff, he got lit up.  His first time out was opening day and he entered with the Crew winning 6-3.  A couple hits, a sac fly, and a 3-run bomb later and Milwaukee (and Axelrod) was 0-1.  Then he got another turn on the hill on Sunday, this time in a game the Brewers were already losing 12-3, and gave up a couple of hits before being lifted for Kameron freaking Loe, some dork who doesn't spell either his first or last name correctly so that can't be good.  This is a pretty big deal for Milwaukee since with their lineup and starting pitching their looking to make a run at a division title.  If Axnard is just a slimmer, better mustachioed version of Bobby Jenks they're basically screwed.

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I meant to have some info/report on the McDonald's game, but I didn't have a chance to watch it yet.  Still have it on Tivo though, so I'll probably have some notes or something later this week or maybe for next week's Week in Review.  Or not.  I don't know.  I'm tired.

For tonight's big game I'm on Butler +3.5 and the over 128.5, both for 3 units.  I don't know who wins this game, but I think it's going to be close so I'm grabbing the points.  I also think Brade Stevens is probably the best coach in college basketball so I'm sure he'll figure out how to take Kemba out of the game and make the other guys beat him and I don't think they can.  I'm going with the over because 129 is really not that many points and these are two teams that can play pretty efficiently.  This just doesn't seem like a game where both teams are going to be in the low-60s.

Unfortunately it doesn't appear player props are up yet, which sucks and is also kind of weird.  I will be sure to post what I'm going to play once it pops up, just because I want to make sure you make money.  I am so giving sometimes it actually hurts.  Now I know what Jesus felt like.

Week in Review - 5/10/2010

Well the Players Championship was pretty lame.  Nobody within sniffing distance of the lead played well on Sunday with the exception of Tim Clark, letting that weird little midget and his gay-ass long putter to end up taking the win.  I refuse to acknowledge he is awesome despite the fact that I was planning on bestowing that status on whoever won at Sawgrass, because I refuse to compliment anyone who uses a long putter - and little people creep me out.  Also amongst the things done by creepy little people that I won't be acknowledging is Dallas Braden's perfect game against the Rays on Sunday.  To throw a perfecto against that lineup would normally be amazing, but every since his little 12-year-old-boy-like outburst against A-Rod for "stepping on my mount" I can't stand the little guy.  Plus his name is Dallas.

Actually, I suppose I could just put an entry for "Dwarves" in the Who Was Awesome section and talk about these two, but I don't really want to get into it because I have a couple of small friends and I'm not sure what side of the normal/freaky line they fall on.  So let's just ignore these oompa loompas this week and move on.  Agreed?  Agreed.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Nick Blackburn.  Pretty tough to ignore the week Blacky pulled out, going 2-0 with a complete game against Detroit earlier this week and then following it up with seven shutout innings on Sunday against Baltimore.  I really don't know what to make of him.  He doesn't strike anyone out (just 9 this year in 40 innings), but he doesn't walk anybody (11) either, and when he keeps the ball down and gets batters to keep it on the ground he can be very effective, like in that CG against Detroit where he got 22 ground balls to just 11 fly balls.  Of course, when he's bad and batters are hitting the ball in the air, he generally gets shelled.  All said, he's a good middle of the rotation starter, just like every other Twins' pitcher not named Liriano.  In other words, he's good enough to win more than he loses, and with this team's offense should have a solid year.

2.  LeBron James.   Wow, talk about making a statement.  After the Celtics stole game 2 in Cleveland to even the series at 1-1 there was a lot of chatter about how the Celtics were going to win, and the Cavs choked and were likely to choke the series away and blah blah blah.  I'm guessing LeBron heard that, because he absolutely took the Celtics behind the woodshed on Friday and showed them his dark secret.  He scored 21 points in the first quarter on something like 9-11 shooting, grabbed every rebound, and assisted on several other Cav baskets in route to a huge 1st quarter lead that ended up in becoming a huge blowout win.  I've really never seen anything like it.  Against a very good defensive team, James could literally do anything he wanted.  I don't watch a ton of NBA, but now I know what all those NBA dorks are talking about with the "greatest ever" talk.  Just wow.  Of course.....

3.  Rajon Rondo.   Thanks to Rondo, you can't count the Celtics out just yet, because just as when LeBron is on nobody on the Celtics can stop him, the Cavs don't have anyone on their roster who can stop Rondo when he gets it going either.  Paul Pierce absolutely sucked on Sunday, but it didn't matter since Rondo basically became LeBron (who, by the way, gets every single call to the point of embarrassment), putting up 29 points, grabbing 18 rebounds, and dishing 13 assists.  Like James in the previous game, Rondo could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.  And as impressive as LeBron was, there's still a sense that he could do it whenever he wanted and sometimes coasts on his jumper.  With Rondo it was more impressive, because you really got that "raising his game" vibe.  Very fun to watch.

4.  Purdue.  With JaJuan Johnson and E'Twaun Moore having put themselves in the NBA draft but not hiring an agent, there was a pretty clear best and worst case scenario here.  If Johnson and Moore stayed in the draft, the Boilers would become Robbie Hummel plus talented question-marks and would likely be a fringe NCAA type team with a Sweet 16 upside and an NIT downside.  If those two pulled out of the draft, the become a national title contender where a Sweet 16 elimination would be a failure.  Since I'm putting this team in the Awesome category, you can probably guess that Moore and Johnson have decided to return.  Actually, with Talor Battle, Mike Davis, and Demetri McCamey all doing the right thing and coming back to school, the Big Ten is only losing Evan Turner and that dumbass Manny Harris to early entry.  Great.  I love it when the conference gets stronger.

5.  Vladimir Guerrero.  Monster week for Vlad.  It seemed like every time I was watching Sportscenter they were showing a Vlad home run this week.  And he certainly was ripping the ball, hitting .360 and slugging .840 this week with 4 home runs and 13 ribbies in the 7 games, probably because he's feeling threatened by the awesomeness that is Justin Smoak.  Whether it's Smoak-related, the change of scenery to Tejas, or health related, it's working.  After a disastrous 2009 where he hit just .295 and OPSed .794 with 15 home runs (all career worsts) , his stats this year are at a much more robust .348 average with an OPS of .941, numbers much more suited to his prime years.  Ponce de Leon was wrong.  The Fountain of Youth isn't in Florida.  It's in Texas.  At the Alamo.  In the Basement.



WHO SUCKED

1.  Clayton Kershaw.   Kershaw, a big-time SP propect for the Dodgers, had a very, very nice season last year - his second in the bigs.  He was just 8-8, which doesn't really matter, and in 171 innings pitched he allowed just 119 hits while striking out 185.  Those are pretty incredible numbers, which makes his struggles this year even more confusing.  Going into Sunday he was sporting a 4.99 ERA this year (it was 2.79 last season) and a WHIP of 1.70 (it was 1.23 last year), and he hit his nadir (at least thus far) in a disaster of an outing last week against Milwaukee, where he lasted just 1 and 1/3 innings, giving up five hits and seven runs before getting yanked.  I've watched Kershaw pitch a couple of times, and the kid has electric stuff.  I'm not sure what the issue is, but I'm sure he'll get it figured out and start making morons look like fools at the plate again soon.  Or he's in a death spiral and will be out of the league in two years.  Since he actually bounced back with a really nice outing on Sunday and out-dueled Ubaldo, I'm betting against the death spiral thing.

2.  Atlanta..   Starting with the Hawks, who are now down 0-3 to the Magic, and haven't even been close in a game yet, losing by 43, 14, and 30, and I literally watched three Hawks watch a missed Orlando three pointer bounce right back to the shooter, then continue watching as he waltzed in for an uncontested dunk.  They can't shoot either, with their best shooting performance in the three games has been just 40%, and "star" Joe Johnson has practically torn-up the max contract someone was going to give him this offseason by chucking it up some stinkers:  10 pts (4-11 shooting) and 5 TOs in game 1, 5-16 shooting and just 2 rebounds in game 2, and just 8 points on 3-15 shooting in game 3.  He's helped to guarantee that this is the most boringest series of the most boringest NBA playoffs ever.  Seriously, three of the four series suck.  At least Phoenix/LA and Cleveland/Orlando should make for a pretty good Final Four - as long as LA doesn't win again.  And although the Braves haven't been terrible, they did toss out a couple of clunkers this week.  First, they almost get perfected by Scott Olsen on Tuesday, and then on Friday night they let old man Moyer toss a complete game two-hitter against them, just his second shutout in the last seven years.  And don't forget, this is the team that was no-hit by Ubaldo earlier this season as well.  The Braves might not be a horrible team overall, but at their worst, they hit like a collection of nine Puntos.  Or Kubels, at this point, jesus.

3.  Tiger Woods.   Well he made the cut at the Players, which is good, but had to withdraw in the middle of the fourth round due to a neck injury, which is bad.  And his swing right now is all kinds of F'd up.  Not only can he not hit a fairway to save his life (he only 6 last week at Quail Hollow), but he can't hit for distance either - he was dead last in driving distance this week at just 258 yards.  Seriously, Brad Faxon thinks Tiger hits the ball like a girl.  Clearly, he rushed himself back a bit early, and if he's smart he'll shut it down for a bit and maybe target the PGA Championship for his return.  Of course, he won't be able to stay away from the rest of the majors, at a minimum, but I really think he needs to take a lot of time, and get himself back into the same shape he was before his wife lost her mind.  He's at a very interesting crossroads, that's for sure.  Can't wait to see how this goes down. 

4.  San Antonio Spurs.  Speaking of boring series, I knew the Spurs window was closing, but I wasn't expecting it be slammed shut on their fingers with a 4-0 sweep by the Suns.  I guess when, except for a couple of guys, every contributor on the team is either old or white Father Time can catch up pretty quickly.  You might be tempted to chalk it up to the fact that they were playing the Suns and their unusual-ish style, but the Spurs have basically owned the Spurs over the years.  Getting swept by the Sun in round 2 is probably more damaging and soul-baring than getting swept in the first round by the Mavs would have been.  Realistically, they can hold on and be a non-threatening playoff team for a couple of years, but if they're smart it's time to start trying to get all the value they can out of whichever pieces they can move, otherwise they'll be looking at a long fall down the line.

5.  Jason Kubel.  As you probably know, I am Kubel's biggest fan.  However, he is starting to lose even me, going just 3-15 this week and is still hitting just .209 this year and is still sitting on two home runs - the same amount as Orlando Hudson.  He's still walking, which shows he hasn't completely lost it, and he isn't striking out significantly more often, but he just isn't hitting.  I haven't seen a lot of hard hit balls right at people or miraculous plays to rob hits, it's more a bunch of super weak tappers at infielders and infield pop ups (he's doubled his IF popup % from last year) and he's now losing at-bats to Thome.   I know one of these days he'll be back, and when he does he's going to be white hot, you can count on it.  I just don't know when.  So I'm going to try to jump start his season for him - we'll be benching him in fantasy this week.  That practically guarantees he's going to break out.  Or at least he better.  I don't want to have to burn my Kubel shirt.  It cost me like fifteen bucks.


Finally I'd like to add a couple more people that are awesome in honor of Mother's Day:  Mama W and Grandma W.  You both rock, and have been a huge influence on the person I have become.

Shame on you.

MLB Preview - National League

I'm trying not to think about how we're about to lose Tubby Smith, so instead I'll turn my attention elsewhere so I don't break down and cry.  With just five days until opening day and the first day of being sick and tired of the Yankees/Sox media barrage it's time to roll out the baseball predictions.  I'm breaking this into National League and American League posts, one today and one tomorrow, because I'm way too lazy to it all at once.  I'm also starting with the National League - just to piss you off.

NL EAST

1.  PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.  Take the same team that won the Series in 2008 and finished runner-up in 2009 and add the best (possibly second best) pitcher in baseball.  Yeah, I think they're going to be pretty good.  Look for Hamels to regain his 2008 form and J.A. Happ to get even better in his second year and they're likely going to be the team with the most wins in baseball.  I'm fully expecting Halladay to win 25 games.

2.  ATLANTA BRAVES.  They're getting a lot of preseason heat as a possible sleeper team, and it's not all that far-fetched.  Tommy Hansen is a stud, and there's good pitching behind him in the rotation, especially if Tim Hudson is back to top-of-his-game form like all the preseason crap is saying.  And this Jason Heyward hype has officially surpassed Wieters-levels.  If he isn't built like Deebo while hitting like Roy Hobbs and running like Willie Mays Hayes I'm going to be disappointed.

3.  FLORIDA MARLINS.  Outisde of pimp-daddy Hanley and alleged NL Rookie-of-the-Year Chris Coghlan there are plenty of questions about the lineup, but that rotation should be pretty rock solid.  At the very least Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco are going to form a very nice 1-2 punch at the top.  I'm very interested in seeing what Cameron Maybin can do with a full season of at-bats as well.

4.  NEW YORK METS.   I know you're thinking it's crazy to have the Mets in fourth, but go ahead and check out their team for a minute and then tell me they're good.  Wright has regressed, Reyes has some mystery ailment, their right-fielder was basically cut by Atlanta, and I've never even heard of their projected starting catcher.  Perhaps most damning of all, however, is that they STILL start Luis Castillo and bat him second.  Oof.  And that rotation is a nightmare behind Johan.  Oh, by the way, Johan.  How many postseason games have you played in since you forced the Twins to trade you? 

5.   WASHINGTON NATIONALS.  At least they have Strasburg so there's a reason to watch beyond watching Adam Dunn put everything he's got into every swing.  What's that?  They're starting him in the minors despite some truly sick Spring stats?  I hope it's worth the minimal savings you'll get by keeping his clock from running right away.  Seriously, who runs this team, Brad Childress?


NL CENTRAL

1.   ST LOUIS CARDINALS.  Although the Phillies should win more games, the Cards will probably win their division by the widest margin because after them this whole division should be thrown in a garbage dumpster.  It's basically Pujols and friends going up against five teams of Cleveland Indians.  I suppose I should predict something for this team, so I predict that Brad Penny will have one of his best ever years.  I also predict Ryan Franklin loses his closer job to Jason Motte.

2.  MILWAUKEE BREWERS.  All because Carlos Gomez came aboard?  Maybe.  We still have to see if he's continued to learn plate patience (you might not have noticed, but he was better last year).  The Brewers have the best lineup of the rest of the central teams and will be getting Rickie Weeks back.  There's a lot to like about the lineup here, and Gallardo gets any help behind him they could be in line for a Wild Card spot.  Ugliest part?  They still start Jeff Suppan, and LaTroy Hawkins is their top set-up guy.  Ouch.

3.  CINCINNATI REDS.  I'm giving a lot of credit to some young guys here, but I'm a big believer in most of these guys.  Injuries have derailed Homer Bailey before, but he finally hit his stride late last season and him and Cueto join veterans Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo to give Cincy's rotation a nice mix of young and old.  The lineup will need guys like Jay Bruce and Chris Dickerson to live up to their potential, but I say they do and make the Reds a dangerous team.

4.  CHICAGO CUBS.  Aramis is a walking injury, Soriano looks like he's basically done, their big free-agent signing was Marlon freaking Byrd, and their middle infield consists of that wiener Ryan Theriot and a cast-off from the Rockies.  Yuck.  The rotation is mostly brutal as well, and you can go ahead and pencil in Carlos Marmol for a complete meltdown as a closer right about mid-June.  Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the Cubbies this year.

5.  HOUSTON ASTROS.  This is the most boringest team in all of baseball.  Their big free-agent splash was signing Brandon Lyon.  Yawn.  Also, nice shitty signing, that guy sucks.  They should have two mid-teen game winners in Oswalt and Wandy Rodriguez, assuming Lyon doesn't blow every game.

6.  PITTSBURGH PIRATES.  I really didn't want to pick Pittsburgh to finish last because I'm starting to really like what their front office is doing (it's a new front office the last year or two), but I just can't quite yet.  They're moving in the right direction.  If Lastings Milledge has finally figured it out he and Andrew McCutchen make up a nice start to the outfield, and when Jose Tabata finally gets up that's going to be a very fast outfield.


NL WEST

1.  COLORADO ROCKIES.  If Chris Iannetta and Ian Stewart can raise their averages even a little this going to be a dangerous team because the lineup is loaded, and even if they don't they are still solid players because they walk a lot.  A good but not great rotation should be enough to win the West, assuming Franklin Morales doesn't blow it while he fills in for Huston Street.  Troy Tulowitzki is a complete and total stud, and if Albert Pujols didn't exist he'd have a shot at an MVP.

2.  LOS ANGELES DODGERS.  James Loney is kind of a lame-o and Blake DeWitt hasn't worked out, but the Dodgers hit home runs with Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp, who are a hell of a 1-2 punch.  Kemp looks like a good bet to go 30-30 and Ethier has the look of a career professional hitter.  The rotation is pretty thin, but Clay Kershaw at the front is a sure-fire Cy Young candidate, and will probably be for years to come.

3.  ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS.  They'd be a bit easier to place if I knkew what was going on with Brandon Webb, but in reality they probably couldn't be better than the teams above them and definitely couldn't be worse than the team's below them.  Like Kemp, Justin Upton has a shot at 30-30 this year, and is just an incredible hitter for his age - kind of like what everybody wanted Delmon Young to be just shoot me right in the face.

4.  SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.  They get to finish fourth based solely on their pitching staff, because Lincecum and Cain are studs, Baumgartner and Jonathan Sanchez are potential studs, and everybody in the lineup sucks other than Pablo Sandoval (aka the black Billy Butler) and possibly Nate Schierholtz.  They also have Buster Posey, who has a super sweet name is is supposed to be a pretty big stud with the stick.  He better be, because their isn't much of a lineup here and there isn't much coming soon. 

 5.  SAN DIEGO PADRES.  Holy god this lineup is depressing.  How depressing?  Kevin Kouzmanoff hits clean-up, David Eckstein hits in the upper half, and I haven't come even close to hearing of their 7th or 8th batter.  The rotation isn't that much better, but at least there's some hope with guys like Clayton Richard, Mat Latos, and star of "The Last Best League" Tim Stauffer.  The bullpen is decent, but they'd really be better served trading Heath Bell for prospects (as well as Adrian Gonzalez) because they aren't going anywhere as currently constructed.   


NL Wild Card - L.A. Dodgers
NL Pennant - Philadelphia Phillies
MVP - Albert Pujols (runner up = Kemp)
CY YOUNG - Roy Halladay (runner up = Lincecum)
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - Jesus Heyward (runner up = Posey)


AL preview should be coming tomorrow, assuming Tubby doesn't leave.  I mean by tomorrow, because I know he's leaving I just don't know when.

Suck.

Here's What Happened - 4/15/09

Well the Twins game sucked last night. Might as well put the whole team in the Sucked category and just pack it for the season. At least there's outdoor ball next year.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Ian Kinsler. Tough to keep a guy who hit for the cycle out of here, which Kinsler did last night against Baltimore, overall going 6-6 with five runs scored, four RBI, and a steal. Yeah, that's a pretty good night. Kinsler, who finished fourth in average last year at .319, is now hitting .474/.524/.947 and now leads the league in both doubles and RBI. He's basically Albert Pujols so far, but only if Pujols played a position that is usually a black hole for offense. Obviously he won't stay at those lofty numbers all year, but even a slight increase from last year's .319/.375/.517 and 18 HRs and 71 rbi puts him in the MVP discussion, since those are virtually identical to Pedoria's numbers last year.

2. Clayton Kershaw. Oh Clayton, I love you so. I've mentioned him on here before, calling multiple Cy Youngs and describing him as having "a Barry Zito curveball (when he was good), Randy Johnson fastball, and Johan Santana changeup", so you could probably say I'm a bit high on him. He's living up to it this year though, after a mediocre half a season in the bigs last year. Yesterday he completely destroyed the Giants, giving up just 1 hit and 1 run in seven innings while striking out 13 and walking just one. Total domination. Of course, the Dodgers refused to score enough runs to get him the win, deciding instead to win in the last innings, giving Kershaw his second no decision of the year. Instead of 2-0, Kershaw is at 0-0, but with an ERA of 1.50, WHIP of 0.67, OBA of .081, and 19 strikeouts in 12 innings. I'm not guaranteeing a Cy Young this year, but it wouldn't surprise me.

3. Jason Marquis. It's hard for me to say anything nice about this guy, because I remember in 2006 the Cubs gave him a 3 year/$21 million deal despite him having led the league in losses and home runs and earned runs allowed the previous year, one of the stupidest contracts ever offered. However, when readers talk, I listen, and our friend out in Denver pointed out that he's pitching very well for the Rockies this year, and he's right. Yesterday Marquis shut down the Cubs, going seven innings and allowing just five hits and one run, bringing him to 2-0 and sporting an ERA of 1.93 on the year. Not to mention knocking in two of the Rockies' five runs with a single in second - he's a very good hitter, actually, with a career average of .211 and he won the silver slugger in 2005. Perhaps most impressive is the zero home runs allowed in two starts, especially since they've been at Coors and Wrigley. I also want to mention here that Todd Helton was 2-5 yesterday. Man is that guy good. One of the best hitters in the history of baseball for sure.


WHO SUCKED

1. Alex Gordon. Fine, I'll ask. Is Gordon the next Andy Marte? (note that article is a year old, but this year Marte is in AAA this year the point stands). Well, Gordon isn't to that level and actually had a pretty decent season last year, so he's not actually close at all, but I had to ask the question because dude sucks so far this year. He opened the season well enough with a two-run homer in the opener, but has been on a steady slide since and is still looking for that elusive second extra-base hit on the year and racked up another 0-3 with a strikeout day bringing his season totals to 2-21, a nice, robust .095 batting average. When your team hits a career backup catcher like John Buck fourth and you seventh, you really probably need to get something figured out.



2. Adam Morrison. The NBA season ended yesterday, mercifully, and we can really get a true idea of how big a bust Morrison was by looking at some numbers. He averaged just four points and 1.5 rebounds per game in about 15 minutes per game, which, when extrapolated to 40 minutes, still only gives you twelve points and less than five rebounds. He also couldn't shoot, hitting just 36% of his shots and 33% from three. What do you get when a one-dimensional player can't do his one dimension? One of the worst players in the league.

There's a nerd stat for basketball called PER, which assigns a value to everything that can be quantified and spits out a number representing a Player's Efficiency Rating (PER). I don't know the whole formula, and it's a little different in basketball since it's a team sport, but it can give a pretty good idea of how good a player has been. For example, the top five in the NBA this season were Lebron, Wade, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, and Tim Duncan. Well, poor mister Morrison ranked 327th, ahead of only Matt Caroll, Bruce Bowen, and Donte Green (nice job leaving college early, ass) amongst players who qualify. He was worse than guys like Brian Cardinal, Marko Jaric, Ricky Davis, Sean Marks, and Aaron Afflalo. Perhaps it's best to leave with this little tidbit from the ESPN.com scouting report on Morrison, ".....has a long, long, long way to go to be a quality player."

3. MLB and the Media. Is it just me, or is this Jackie Robinson thing kind of getting out of hand? I mean, I get it. I understand both baseball history and the history of the United States, so I realize what an incredible impact he had. He's probably one of the five most influential sports figures in US history, but there seems to be a movement amongst the talking heads that he is the only one who could have done it, highlighted by Dick Bremer's, "If Jackie Robinson doesn't break the color barrier, just think about all the great players we would have missed out on."

Look, I have an idea of what he must have faced, and he was obviously an incredibly strong person mentally as well as being a pretty good ball player, but at the same time he had incredible teammates (look up the Pee Wee Reese story) and a GM in Branch Rickey who made the move in the first place. And if not Jackie, it would have been someone else, which is what makes Dick's comment and others like it so stupid. I'm not really taking anything away from Jackie, more pointing out the stupidity of journalism in their deification here.

Everyone wearing number 42 last night wasn't just confusing, it was ridiculously unnecessary. I think every team retiring number 42 a few years ago was the right move. It honored an incredible man in a fitting way. This business last night was overkill, particularly because it was the 62nd anniversary of his breaking the color barrier, not a nice round number. I can see trying to pull this off on the 25th, or the 50th, or even the 42nd, but the 62nd? What's next year, everyone has to play in blackface?

I love the Jackie Robinson story, and he's unquestionably one of the most important figures in sports history, maybe even US history overall. The way the media and the league are handling his legacy, however, is causing me to write things like this, and that's what pisses me off most of all.

This is not a Good Day

No big shocker here, but I was unable to get to the Yankee/Twins game tonight at Yankee stadium. Due to a delayed flight, the worlds longest line at the rental place, incredible New York traffic, and drive incompetence by the time I got to my hotel the game was already in the third, so there was no real point. But what really makes me realize my jackassery, is that I was so focused on getting to the damn Yankee/Twin game I completely ignored the Mets. Who were playing at Shea. Shea, which I drove right past, including signs that said "All Shea Stadium Parking exit here" implying there is actually parking there. Not to mention that Johan was pitching. Against the Phillies, a team I really like. So I could have just gone to that game with little frustration. Instead, I ended up having to watch the Yankees/Twins at Hooters, the only "sports bar" in this crapass crap town. So I thought I'd be at Yankee Stadium, and ended up at Hooters. Kind of like I set out for the Louvre and found myself in Chateau d'If.

- Hooters is so crappy, I felt really dirty just being there and all I wanted was to eat some wings and watch the game. It was full of dirty old men in sweatpants who were there by themselves and couldn't tear their eyes away from the not very attractive wait staff. And the wings were terrible. And so was the service. So I left. Turns out, this shitbox hotel doesn't get YES, the Yankee network, so I can't watch the game here. But they have an option to order the DirecTV MLB ticket, so I did that for $9.99 (which my company will pay for, god bless them). But, because I'm in NJ almost NY, the game is blacked out. So there's no way I can watch it other than going back to Hooters, and I'd rather trade for LenDale White than do that. So I'm "watching" it on yahoo.

- The good news though is that I want to get the most out of my purchase, so I'm betting on all the late games. I took the Dodgers, Cubs, Angels, Red Sox, and Nationals. I had to bet on my boy Clayton Kershaw. Look out for this kid. And not the Andrew Miller kind of look out, the good kind. Also, betting websites should never, ever change their interface. It makes it very difficult for drunken degenerates.

- So yeah, I got a little lost on the way to the hotel coming out of JFK. I somehow ended up driving through Harlem, which was actually less terrifying than I would have expected. It wasn't like the movie depictions of Rwanda like I expected. Didn't see former WWF wrestler Bad News Brown there though, which was pretty disappointing. I'm still pretty sure most of NYC is still a cesspool though. Except Queens, I kind of like Queens.

- Nice to see that after I left Hooters the Twins managed to implode. This team is so horrible, don't let their record fool you, they're out performing their expected win/loss record by a good margin. It was very nice to see Span leading off and Gomez hitting ninth, though. I'm pretty sure that's the first decision Gardy has ever made that I agree with. Sidenote: listening to Yankee radio, the announcers LOVE Gardy. Love him. Like a fat kid loves cake. I totally don't get it.

- You know what really bothered me about Hooters though, was one of the slogans they had on the waitress's t-shirts. They had a bunch of different ones, and one of them was pretty good (Hooters: More than a mouthful) but the one that really pissed me off was Hooters: Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined. Um, tacky and unrefined mean pretty much the same thing, asshats. Nice marketing department. Just stick to boobs and wings and leave everything else alone.

- Don't worry, I managed to find a liquor store, so I have plenty of beer.

- So you're probably wondering about the golf tournament I played in yesterday. It did not go well. I was the best player on our team, and when that happens you know you are in major trouble - although I did chip in from about 40 yards on the first hole. We were totally outclassed, as we shot +2 while the winning score was -20. There were some rules in place to make scores a little better, which makes our +2 all the more embarrassing. Oh well, we raised money for a good cause and got to spend the day out of the office. Also, Clayton Kershaw sucks.

- At one of the upcoming games at Yankee Stadium they are giving away a "Derek Jeter Uno Deck." I really wish I was making this up. Also I just figured out that the Mariners pitcher tonight, RA Dickey, is a knuckleballer, and I love me some knuckleballers ever since Charlie Hough - and I can throw a solid one myself. Of course, guess which game isn't offered on this MLB package.

- It's not a trade that is going to get a whole lot of press, but can someone explain to me why the Astros would trade minor league prospect Chad Reineke for old man Randy Wolf of the Padres? They aren't in contention, being twelve games out in the division and ten games in the wildcard race and are a bad, bad team. It's not to save money, because Reineke is a minor leaguer with no major league service time, and Wolf will cost them somewhere around 3 million this year. It's not for the future, because Wolf is a free agent at the end of the season and has already said he'd be interested in signing with the Padres again after the season. Guess what else? Reineke isn't just some no name minor leaguer. Going into the season he was ranked as the #6 prospect in the Astros system. They're still trying to figure out if he's better suited to a starting or relieving role, but he's certainly worth more than two months of a 31-year old below average starter with a career WHIP of 1.35. Weirdest trade ever. Reineke must be a pedophile or something. The only rationale I can find anywhere is a quote from Astros GM Ed Wade, who said , "I've known Randy since the day he signed his first professional contract. I can say without hesitation that he brings every quality that you'd want in a member of your team, both on and off the field." Well, you know, except for getting batters out and such. But at least he ain't no gad durned pedophile.

- I'm watching the Nats/Giants game and it's the Washington feed, and the Nationals' GM is talking about Cristian Guzman and it's kind of like listening to John Madden talk about Brett Favre or Bert Blyleven talk about any Twin in history. On the one hand, I want to like the guy because he's referenced WHIP and multiple year statistical trends, but on the other hand he called Guzman a leader who plays the game the right way. He must be on drugs.

- I haven't written any basketball in a while, so here's a quick, non-researched take on the Big Ten: It's going to be a tough season for our beloved Gophers. Besides having the worst mascot in history, they are going to be extraordinarily inexperienced. I have high hopes for the newcomers, but it's going to be tough. Bostick looks like he'll be a good scorer, and I think Joseph and Sampson will become high quality guys, but don't know how soon. I'm not super confident in Paul Carter or Colt Iverson but I trust Tubby. I'm guessing it will take them at least a year to round into shape. If Nolen can take a step forward, it will go a long way towards helping the team, and I think DJ can be a total beast. The good news is most of the Big Ten looks like a suck. Iowa, Northwestern, Indiana, Penn State, Michigan, and Illinois will be garbage. Michigan State will be good but might take a small step back. Wisconsin is always good, no matter what their talent looks like. It's kind of a minor miracle, Bo Ryan must be some kind of jesus guy. Ohio State is reloading as if they're the football team now. Purdue looks like the team to beat, but with all the sub-mediocrity going on the Gophers could easily finish in the middle of the pack. There you go.

- I'm going to come clean here. I don't really like football that much. I watch it, I enjoy it, I dominate fantasy football, but I don't like it the way I do baseball and college basketball and even golf. I especially can't find it to get into college football. But even I know that Gopher Nation's comparison of Juice Williams to Mike Vick is harsh. Is it accurate? I don't know. I think I heard of Juice Williams once and then I laughed because his name is Juice and missed the rest of whatever they were saying.

- So, yeah, here's a preview of Step Brothers on right now. Does anyone else think Will Ferrell makes way too many movies? I mean, I think he's funny and I'm a fan, but take break once in a while. Semi-Pro was horrible, and Talledegha Nights wasn't much better. That one where he was serious wasn't good either, and Step Brothers looks like it's going to be brutal. When is he going to be funny again? I haven't laughed at Will Ferrell since this.

- Abu Shamala dominating in world competition. From the Barn has all the relevant links and comments. I don't even have anything to add. I don't have the energy. And since I'm linking all the Gopher blogs I'm aware of, PJS went ahead and did his fancy "research" and found a really solid Tubby interview. I say really solid because it sounds like the kind of thing gopher fans should read, not because I actually read it. Because I didn't. But I will. Tomorrow.

- Last Minnesota blog bit, but if I haven't recommended it before, a quality daily read is TNABACG, which I'm almost certain stands for The National Anthem Before a Cubs Game, but it's a Minnesota blog. I don't get it either, but he's a quality read. I know I have him linked on the right over there, but I want to call him out. He doesn't have us linked on his site, which probably means he has bad taste, but still, quality output. I won't hold it against him. Yet.

- I really hate people who call shoes "kicks." Don't do it.

- So I guess I usually do a thing where I say some girl is hot at some point in all this mess. The first one who comes to mind is Cobie Smulders (seen above). Worst name ever? Yes. Hot? Yes. And she's brilliant as Robin on How I Met Your Mother, a truly underrated show also starring Jason Segal of Freaks and Geeks fame whose penis I also saw far, far too often in Forgetting Sarah Marshall which was awesome and also starred the superhot Mila Kunis who was on That 70's Show which, funny, is actually on right now until I change the channel like right now because that show sucks. I also really like Maggie Gyllenhall (sp?), but I know I'm in the minority there so I won't bother posting a picture.

- ESPNU has wrestling on right now. God that's hot.

- So Nick Faldo, frequent commenter on DWG, has joined staff as our golf writer guy since Grandslam is missing in action and both Theory and Dr Acula are to wussy to write anything. Or at least I think so. We have had a communication issue over the past two weeks, but hopefully something from him shows up tomorrow for the FBR Canadian Open. You want a quick W style precap: Furyk should win, and will play well but won't. Weir won't be able to handle the home country pressure yet again, as Anthony Kim and Camilo Villegas go down to the wire, with Villegas picking up his first PGA Tour win (I think). If you're in my fantasy golf league don't take any of those guys.

- Tila Tequila should be lit on fire. I don't even know why she's famous.

- In case you missed it, Gopher sort of target and highly ranked PG Mfon Udofia comitted to Georgia Tech. It was pretty clear he wasn't coming to the Gophers, but this just makes Lacy all that much more important. Can Udofia be the next Mark Price, Travis Best, Kenny Anderson, or Stephon Marbury? I'm going to say no. He's going to hope he's the next Matt Causey.

- Sarah Chalke is still hot. Oh, Scrubs is on. Sorry. Point stands.

- You know what pisses me off? This whole Mario Kart shortage. Since I assume you aren't me, here's what's going on: You can't find it anywhere, and the few places that do get it from time to time sell out just after they open. How can there be a shortage of a game? It makes no sense. Here's what you need to make a game: a program, a CD, an amaray, a book, and a label. Do you see anything in that list at all that would suggest a shortage? Anything other than the program would suggest a whole Wii game line shortage, which hasn't happened. And considering they are pumping out a few games every couple of weeks, I don't think the program became corrupted. The only explanation is an intentional shortage by Nintendo to pump up demand. That is so aggravating. Seriously, when I eventually find this game in a store I'm still going to buy it but when I do I'm going to be all huffy about it, so take that, Nintendo.

- Please, please, please tell me this whole Blue Collar Comedy fad is over. Please. I actually prefer Croc shoes to the Blue Collar Comedy thing, especially that god damned Ron White. Also, if you have ever worn Crocs please stop reading this blog forever. Thanks.

- Remember when Jason Lee was funny?

- I think I'm pretty much done here, but one thing I thought of lately was Three True Outcomes in baseball. It refers to strikeouts, walks, and homeruns because those are the three possible pitcher/batter results that don't involve the other players on the field, in general. Guys like Adam Dunn, Rob Deer, and Russ Branyan are classic TTO guys. It doesn't necessarily mean anyone is better or worse than anyone else, it's just a thing. Interestingly, the Twins are about as far away from TTO as possible. They're in the bottom seven in MLB in all three true outcomes. Not that it means much, it's just interesting to nerds.

- Get this. I'm ready to call it a night, and I need a water because that's just what I need at the end of the night, but for whatever reason this hotel doesn't supply any and there's no vending machines either. I'm not going to drink tap water because I'm far too fancy for that so I go down to the front desk gift shop thing to get one. It's really, really small, and as I'm getting my water some d-bag comes in after me. He's sees my hat (Twins) and says "hey what's that hat." And I say "the Twins." And he says, "The Minnesota Twins?" so I say yes. Now, keep in mind I can't get past him without pushing him out of my way, not a bad option at this point. He asks if I was at the game and I say no and blah blah blah and he asks where I work after I tell him that's why I'm out here and it's a fairly well known company - keep that in mind. He asks - again - why I didn't go to the game and I tell him about getting in late and then explain the whole subway issue - you know, how you have to go down into the city and then back up and it would take two hours each way and all that. Then he says, and I'm not kidding, "So wait, you work for Subway?" Yet, if I was to punch him square in the junk, I'd be the one arrested. How is that fair?

Back in the NJ

New Jersey. Dinner. Drinks. Beer. Sink. Go

- First off, I want to give props to the staff at the Marriott I was at last night. When I checked out this morning and headed to the office, I realized I had left my watch in the room. I called to let them know and tell them where it was, and said I'd pick it up later this evening. Since most hotel workers are foreigners, and all foreigners steal, I figured I'd never see it again. But sure enough, when I went by after work it was there waiting for me. Good on you Marriott.

- I'm flipping between the Celts/Pistons and Dodgers/Cubs games. For the record, I took Detroit +6, it just seems like the kind of game a team like the Celtics is going to drop, or at least squeak out at the end. I'm also rooting for Derek Lowe to suck, I hate that son of a bitch.

- Speaking of dudes I hate, it's nice to see Delmon Young pull a Torii Hunter, and not only that, but somehow make it a much worse decision. Let's see, we are up 3, and the guy at the plate is the tying run. Why would I just keep the ball in front of me? What a jackass. Still can't hit either. In all of baseball, only two guys hit the ball on the ground more than Delmon, Luis Castillo and Julio Lugo. At least he's among the league leaders in something. He also has the second worst SLG among american league outfielders. Meanwhile, Matt Garza pitched another good game today. I want to punch myself for being in favor of that trade at the time.

- I know you want to know, so yes, I was upgraded to first class on the way out here and am upgraded again tomorrow on my flight home. It hurts sometimes being so awesome.

- So the big news across the ticker is that Sammy Sosa is announcing his retirement after this year's World Baseball Classic. Hey Sammy, you haven't played all year. Nobody wants you. It's not called retiring, it's called forced retirement. Big difference. Ass. And who corks their bat AND takes steroids? Jesus, make up your mind.

- Speaking of forced retirement, why in the holy hell hasn't an american league team signed Barry Bonds? Is he just asking for ridiculous money or is everyone that stupid? Here is one of the top 2 hitters in history, sitting around doing nothing. Just as a reminder, even at 42 last season he OPS+ed 170 and pulled a .480 OBP. Is he being blackballed for the roids thing (stupid) or is everyone afraid of "chemistry issues" (monumentally stupid)? I'm going to tell you a secret: Chemistry is extremely overrated in all sports, but in baseball it is virtually non-existent. Chemistry really means teamwork, and when is their teamwork in baseball? Double plays, relay throws from the outfield, and probably fly ball issues in the outfield. You know what, you sign him in the AL and make him DH and all of this is irrelevant. Does the fact that Bonds is an ass really affect the next guy at the plate's at bat? I would hope not. God people are idiots. I would be thrilled, nay, ecstatic if the Twins found a way to pull him in. Yes, I know there's no chance in hell that happens.

- On the radio on the way to the hotel the NY radio dudes were excited for an upcoming matchup between Pedro Martinez and Barry Zito. THE MOST ANTICIPATED MATCHUP OF 2002!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- When I was having dinner in the hotel bar/restaurant thing, there were these dudes seated near me, and the one dude was just berating the other one. In a calm voice and everything, but I don't know if they were relatives or friends or coworkers or what, but it was brutal. Some quotes: "I don't understand what you've done with your life. Are you ineffectual? Timid? Not in control of your life at all? Whenever I've had an opportunity I've taken it, that's why I am where I am in my life." And "I was an air force pilot. While you were busy screwing around, I was doing something productive with my life." And "Ritalin? No way. My kids don't go near the stuff and don't need it. You need to take control of your kids and give them some discipline. Ritalin is just a drug for bad parents." And "You've never been to Europe? Wow, I go at least once a year. I have a stash at home of leftovers Euros from my last trip. I don't even bother cashing them in because I go so often." Classic.

- Jesus. I actually miss Bill Simmons.

- There is a sometimes commenter here by the handle of "Dharma Bum." If you've ever wondered what he looks like, check out Adam Wainwright. Even more of a twinner than The Todd/Spencer Tollackson.

- Since grandslam sucks now and nobody else will step to the plate, here's your golf preview, courtesy of yours truly:

Mickelson has to be the favorite, after winning last week due to a lucky shot on 18. He also plays well historically at the memorial. But nobody ever wins twice in a row on tour unless they are Tiger, and he's not, so he's out. Last year's winner, KJ Choi, is playing well this season, but he's asian and I don't trust him. Stewart Cink? Please. Yes, he's playing well this year and has a great record at the Memorial, but dude has proven he straight up can't win, so he's out. Ryan Moore? Yawn. The winner will be either Rod Pampling or Kenny Perry. Both are playing well and have good records here, and neither are winners from last week, asian, chokers, or boring. Mark it down.

- If you're a hotel, why would you sell beer in your giftshop that requires a bottle opener to open? Good thing I'm still a big enough loser to have a bottle opener on my keychain! Holla!

- I don't want to get into a whole Reusse thing here again, but two of his recent articles deserve mention. The first his how it is such a shame that the Rochester minor league club has been looted of players by the Twins due to injuries. Guess what Pat? The only people who give two shits about Rochester are the losers that live there and the manager of said club. Not even the players care, they are just hoping to get called up to the big team. The second is about how Tom Kelly tried to make David Ortiz use all fields and Ortiz didn't like it and now he's awesome and "a fair percentage of Ortiz's clutch its go to the opposite field" and how he's never thanked Kelly for that. First, let's just dismiss the whole thanking Kelly thing. Second, although I can't find the actual stats - which surprises me but then again I'm drunk so F off - I'm willing to wager that Ortiz hits almost exclusively to the right side, clutch or not. It would help if Youtube would let people put up actual replays of their games, instead every highlight is Zapruder quality and basically impossible to figure out what is going on. Someone find the data and prove me right. I do know that he once hit a game winning homerun off Johan Santana in the WBC, and that went to right.

- For some reason today I found myself thinking about this doofus who played on my amateur baseball team. You know how a lot of guys have little quirks about how they play? For example, one guy on our team used a lot of pine tar because he liked the sticky. I didn't wear batting gloves because I liked to feel the wood (hee hee). Snacks used eye black because it helped him see the ball. Another guy wore wristbands because his arms got really sweaty. Well, this dude did all of this. Pine tar, no batting gloves, eye black, sweatbands. Add in high socks, sunglasses, and a cocked hat, and he truly was the tool of all tools. It's like he took every kind of baseball schtick just to that guy. He reminded me of Jim Carrey playing basketball in The Cable Guy, but, you know, baseball.

- Jesus Christ! I thought some gangster rapping black man had broken into my hotel room to yell statistics and five year old catch phrases at me, but it turns out it was just Stew Scott on the halftime show. Or Carlton Banks.

- I just went down to refill the sink, so I should be good to go for a while. I think the gift shop guy is judging me.

- You know which team has a pretty good baseball future, other than the Rays and D-Backs? The Reds. Excellent young pitchers in Edinson Volquez and Johnny Cueto are already up. Super prospects Joey Votto (ROY candidate) and Jay Bruce (awesome debut) are there. Second baseman Brandon Phillips is young (27), good (OPS+ 121), and cheap (less than $3 mil this year). CF Norris Hopper and SS Jeff Keppinger are both very good, are under 30, and are making essentially the big league minimum (read: less than Bogart). Plus, future ace Homer Bailey is in AAA waiting for the call up. Consider me with a boner for the Reds.

- If I'm mentioning prospects, I must mention Clayton Kershaw of the Dodgers. He gives me a bigger boner than the Reds, Andrew Miller, and Mila Kunis combined. A Zito-like curve (when he was good), a Randy Johnson fastball and a Johan Santana changeup. And you think I'm kidding. Multiple Cy Youngs, I'm calling it now.

- Don't forget to gaze upon the Scott Stahoviak page at baseball reference. By the by, Clayton Kershaw's page is already at $180 for a year, and he's pitched one game.

- As long as I'm on baseball and off your mom, I might as well mention the whole Jabba Chamberlain thing. I don't get what the Yanks are doing here. The guy is an absolute monster for one inning. Clearly the heir apparent to Mariano. Not that he needs it just yet, as he's in the midst of maybe his best season ever, but he's thirty-eight, and can't do it for ever. Jabba seems like a natural to take over, just like Rivera did from Wetteland, but they are moving him into the rotation (with a 50 pitch count limit). Actually, I get why they're doing it. Kennedy and Hughes aren't ready and/or are hurt, and Mussina/Pettitte are both old and craptastic. Wang is their only good pitcher this year, so they need a boost, I just don't think it's the right way to go. This will implode in a hurry. Plus, dude only throws two pitches. That usually doesn't work too well for a starter. Remember that thing about how the Yankees were going to suck that I said that one time? yeah. what up?

- Mariano Duncan pretty much sucked.

- Did I ever tell you I once saw Tom Skerritt at the Newark Airport? I went up to him and said, "You can be my wingman anytime." I'm pretty sure he wanted to punch me in the face, but the dude is like 5'4, I mean like, shorter than Theory. So he didn't.

- Fun with stats: Darnell McDonald in the Twins' system has the sixth best OPS in all of minor league ball. I have no idea who that is. Jason Pridie has the fifth worst.

- Major League fun with stats: ISO is a fun stat. It stands for isolated power. Essentially, it's a measure of extra bases (not singles) per at-bat, and takes singles out of slugging percentage, because batting average can skew slugging if you want to look at it as a power measure. The Twins have four guys in the bottom 25. Delmon (12th), Mauer (15th), Lamb (19th), and Harris (23rd). Sadly, they all rank below Jason Kendall, one of the most notorious non-power hitters in major league history. No other team has more than two in the bottom 25. So next time somebody tries to tell you the Twins aren't a bunch of single hitting fairies, you punch him in the face. In case you're curious, the top five are Dan Uggla, Lance Berkman, Chase Utley, Pat Burrell, and Adam Dunn.

- There's an article on yahoo right now about how baseball games are too long. This is the graphic they chose to run with it:

Yes, they're complaining about a 15+ inning game being "too long." The incompetence in the media continues to astound me.

- My current boss is dating a relative of a prominent Minnesota-based athlete. I haven't figured out how to use this to my advantage yet, but rest assured, I will.

- Since I know you want to know, the next two books on the list are Three Nights in August (about Tony LaRussa and the Cards - off Bears' reco) and Living on the Black by John Feinstein (one of my faves) about Mike Mussina and Tom Glavine.

- How long, exactly, is Rip Hamilton going to wear that mask for? Gotta be at least three years now, no?

- Arky Vaughn doesn't get enough play.

- You know's who's hot? Ryan Reynolds.

- So Detroit covered, which is awesome. Also, somehow the Twins won 9-8 by scoring five in the ninth. Since they don't really have the Twins on TV out here, I'm going to assume there were a lot of hit batters and singles. And no walks. Never any walks. FYI - Twins have taken more walks than only the Royals in all of MLB.

- As much as I would love to write SOMETHING about the Gophers here, there's just not much going on. I don't much care about the football team, and I'll leave that to the other guys, and nada is happening on the hoops team. The one thing I do want to touch on, is that it appears Tubby is recruiting Glen Rice, Jr. for the 2008 class. If it comes down to Rice v Williams for a scholarship, please choose Rice. Glen Rice Original was the best college basketball player I've ever seen, and based on Tony Gwynn Jr., Dale Berra, and Tim Raines Jr I can only assume he's awesome. Yes I'm fully aware those are all baseball sons, but go ahead and try to find a list for the NBA. Impossible.

- There's a link over on the side over there for a site called With Leather. It was, at one time, a very funny sports-related blog site, the sister site of WWTDD. If you don't know what that is go to hell. Anyway, it's not funny anymore.

- So I didn't touch on my first class flight earlier in this post because I didn't want you peons who fly coach to feel bad, but now I'm drunk enough and bored enough that I must mention it. I was on the window, unfortunate, as I prefer the aisle but who am I to protest when I get an upgrade? So the dude next to me, some dirty asian, goes ahead and makes the area into a permanent camp ground. First off, he puts his laptop in the seat pocket, which is a clear no-no and is announced as such. Then, four seconds after take off, he takes it out, clearly in violation of the "no electronic devices" edict. Obviously, rules will not hold our villain, and do not apply to him. When sky waitress comes by, he orders a water, a cranberry juice, and a beer. I wish I was kidding. Of course they serve him all three, which, along with his precious laptop, book, and file folder he uses to take up not only his seat, his tray table, and his extra fold out table thing, but also the little table in between us that we are supposed to share. Now, as weird as it may seem, I actually need to get out and get my properly stowed laptop at some point to do some work for my meeting. Once they announce it's cool to use electronic stuff, I want to grab it but dude has a full on campout going on. I figure, I'll wait, he'll finish his stuff (complimented by 6 bags of various nuts, chips, and pretzels they bring around) and I'll be good to go. Not so. Half hour goes by, and his fort is still in full magnitude. I finally say "Hey dude, I need to get my computer" and not only to I get the sigh (expected, though uncalled for) but it takes him a full three minutes - and multiple extraneous sighs - to get his little fort out of my way. Obviously on the rest of the flight I made sure to have to get up a few extra times to prove a point, but I don't feel good about it. And in summary that is why I don't trust asians. Especially Koreas. Although they are very good at ping pong.

- I kind of wish I was out of beer but I'm not so what are you going to do? Fully expect the rest of this post to be even worse than the previous, if possible. To make it up to you, here's some girl who is allegedly a Spartan fan:

I hope we can still be friends.

- God, I was going to bet on the French Open winner just to be a funny bit but I can't bring myself to do it. Tennis is so gay.

- Has anybody seen Idiocracy? I truly love Luke Wilson in a manly way, but I thought this was one of the worse movies of all time. It recently came up in conversation with a co-worker and he loved it. I don't think he's an idiot, but now I'm not sure. If you've seen it, please tell me what you thought.

- In case you're curious, out of the top 100 prospects, the Twins have three: Carlos Gomez, Deolis Guerra, and Ben Revere. For the other AL central teams, the Indians have two, White Sox have one, Royals two, and Tigers nada. So I guess that's something.

- bah