Fare thee Well, Danny Valencia

In a move that surprised only people who are still surprised by a Jack-in-the-Box, the Twins grabbed the first opportunity that presented itself to get rid of Danny Valencia, forcing him to take the walk of shame across the diamond at Fenway like that chick you picked up at Applebee's, sending him to the Red Sox and receiving rookie league OFer Jeremias Pineda in return.  And thus ends the tenure of one of the most disappointing Twins' ever.

The Twins struggled to find a 3B for years following Gary Gaetti with guys like Scott Leius and Ron Coomer probably the best they've had (with Tony Bautista being the worst) so when reports starting coming out about this Danny Valencia character and how he could be the future at third for many years to come, it was a tiny bit extra thrilling - like a tramp stamp.  Valencia was consistently ranked as the Twins' 5th-10th best prospect from 2008-2010 by most raters, and made a great impression in his rookie season (2010), finishing third in the AL Rookie-of-the-Year voting despite only being up long enough to accumulate 322 PAs after hitting .311/.351/.448 with 7 homers while playing above average defense.  All was good. Confidence was high.  Spirits were good.  Of course, there were plenty of warning signs.  Valencia's BABIP was .345, one of the highest marks in the league and most likely a huge outlier, and Gardy was constantly dropping hints that he wasn't happy with Valencia for various reasons.  That, with a deep thinker like Gardy whose analysis is generally based on either hustle, grit, or how often he has the team over for a BBQ, was probably the kiss of death.

Following his breakout first year his stats fell off, with Valencia striking out more each year, walking less, chasing more balls and making less contact, and his defense consistently got worse as well.  This, along with Valencia not saying hi to Gardy in the halls one time even though he totally saw him and said hi to Jerry White right after and when Gardy wrote him a note in study hall about how hurt he was Gardy saw Valencia and Repko laughing and he just knows it was about him, led to more and more public criticisms which in turn led to more pressing by Valencia which always leads to more failure and so here we are.  Poor MLB numbers, poor minor league numbers this year that were well below what he did coming up, and Gardy's tender feelings meant the Twins would jump on the first offer to get him out, and they did.

In return for Valencia the Twins received Jeremias Pineda, and there's good news and bad news here.  BAD:  He's not Michael Pineda.  GOOD:  According to everyone he is already an elite level center fielder.  BAD:  He's still in rookie ball, for a second season, at age 21.  GOOD:  He's supposed to be crazy fast.  BAD:  He doesn't appear on any Red Sox prospect lists, even one I found that goes all the way up to 60.  GOOD:  Hitting .421 this year.  BAD:  Hit .188 in the same league last year and has a BABIP of .500 of this year.  GOOD:  Always invites the whole team over when he has a Karaoke party.  BAD:  Shows absolutely no power nor plate discipline. 

Really they didn't get much here, but they probably got more than you'd expect for Valencia, based on how they clearly feel about him ever since Gardy saw him holding hands with a girl Gardy fancied.  Pineda may never develop into a real live good hitter, but he already has one elite skill (defense) and one above average skill (running) so if he ever does learn how to hit he could be another Ben Revere, although it's likely he's more just organizational fodder.  Valencia, on the other hand, was under team control until 2017 and wouldn't even have hit arbitration until next year, and could have fulfilled the role of "back-up 3b" capably for at least another year.  Despite some rough numbers this year his line drive % is identical to his good rookie year and his BABIP this year is under .200, all of which means he's not as good as he was in 2010 but isn't as bad as his numbers suggest in 2012.  So yes, a good, cheap, back-up 3B with a little bit of upside.  But, as we all know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, so when Valencia didn't include Gardy on the emails where everyone was planning what to wear to the end of the year banquet he probably sealed his own fate. 

Bottom Line:  Pineda is probably the best the team could have hoped for in exchange for Valencia, but the team would have been better off keeping him, but couldn't because Gardy is Regina George.

Ohmigod you guys

Week in Review - 04.04.2011

 The Final Four and opening weekend of baseball at the same time?  It's almost too much goodness.  If only there was some way to move the Masters up, although I suppose that would be overload a bit.  I was a bit bummed by the Final Fours games, only because even though they were close games and entertaining they were kind of boring each time.  Game 1 had both underdog cinderellas while game two had both evil superpower cheaters (although Kentucky/Calipari is far worse, obviously).  No real good narrative to be written for either game.  It's kind of like if Duke played the Yankees, other than rooting for a disaster, natural or otherwise, who would you root for?  At least tonight's championship sets up pretty nicely, although I won't be pissed no matter who wins which kind of takes some of the fun out of it.  My picks will be given below.  I'm hot, baby.  2-0 on game bets and 7-3-1 on player props in the semis.  Take notes, kiddos.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Clay Kershaw.  Oooh baby.  It begins.  I've been waiting on Kershaw since I saw him pitch his first ever game a few years ago and maybe this is the year.  He's been very good the last two seasons, registering ERAs under three with more than a strikeout per inning both in both years, but still hasn't had that breakthrough, I'm a #1 ace Cy Young candidate and everyone can just get out of the way because I'm unhittable type of season yet. He got off to a good start, assuming that's his goal, on opening day by pitching the Dodgers to a 2-1 win over the Tim Lincecum and the World Champion Giants, going 7 shut-out innings with 9 strikeouts and allowing just 4 hits and a walk.  He's always been tough to hit and if he can keep his walks down like that he's going to finally win that Cy Young I've been predicting for three years.

2.  Kemba Walker.  Outside of Shelvin Mack's little solo mini-run of points in the VCU/Butler game no single player really jumped out at me for his performance, but this seems like a nice place to honor the incredible run Walker has been on, particularly since he put up 18 points, grabbed 6 rebounds, and dished 7 assists in UCONN's win over Kentucky and it seemed like an off game for him - that's saying a lot.  He just does whatever they need and can will them to victory.  If they need him to score, he scores (33 vs. Cincy and 36 vs. San Diego State), but if they need him to play the role of distributor he does that too (12 assists against Bucknell, 7 in each of the last two games).  He's also averaging over 5 rebounds per game, has gone 38-42 from the free throw line, and is averaging less than 3 turnovers per game which is pretty amazing when you think about how often he has the ball in his hands.  It's truly been a remarkable year for him this entire season, and it wouldn't remotely be offensive to me if he takes down the championship, even if Calhoun is a sleazeball.

3.  Baltimore Orioles.  Perhaps Baltimore's young pitching is going to pay dividends faster than expected (or perhaps the Rays offense is in serious trouble without Evan Longoria who is out for three weeks after getting sore having sex with so many chicks because he's a machine), but they shut down the Rays this weekend and got the O's off to a 3-0 start for the first time since I'm going to assume the 1970s.  First Jeremy Guthrie (who's actually old) pitched 8 scoreless innings in the opener.  Then Chris Tillman pitched six hitless innings in game two, and then in the third game of the series Zach Britton made his major league debut and gave up just one run through six, helping complete the O's sweep of Tampa.  I don't know if this is more indicative of the strength of Baltimore or the weakness of Tampa, but for now at least I choose to believe maybe Baltimore is back, if only a little bit.  The world just seems a little brighter when there's a good team playing in Camden Yards.


4.  Nelson Cruz.  For a long time I dismissed Nelson Cruz as being any good, mainly because his name is Nelson.  Also because he's a Ranger and the Rangers are super lame-o.  I think, however, it's time to rethink that stance because he's apparently decided that his new thing is going to be destroying baseballs, which he did three times in three games over the weekend as the Rangers obliterated Red Sox pitching (more on that later) with Cruz and Kinsler becoming the first pair of teammates to ever each homer in the season's first three games.  Hard to believe Hrbek and Brunansky never pulled that off, but whatever.  It seems like Texas might actually be a good team, which goes against everything I believe in.  Like church.

5.  Joakim Soria.  MEXICUTIONER!!!!  Want to know how good this guy is and how dependent on him the KC bullpen is?  The Royals have played three games this year and he's pitched in all three of them.  He's picked up a win, a save, and given up zero runs.  It is a bit curious that he doesn't have a strikeout yet this year in three innings despite having a career average of more than 1 K per inning, but I assume he's either realized strikeouts are fascists and doesn't want to promote an oppressive political ideology or he's bored of dominating for such a crappy team and has just been screwing around out there and may or may not being throwing every third pitch left-handed.  In any case this guy is straight dominant, and the fact that he doesn't want to be called the Mexicutioner makes it all the more better to call him that.

WHO SUCKED


1.  Minnesota Twins.  The 1-2 start doesn't particularly bother me because it was on the road against a pretty good Blue Jay team, and even the dismal offense and subpar pitching performances aren't what's currently grinding my gears.  It's the god damn stupid plays, the kind of stuff "Twins Baseball" doesn't consist of if you ask any retarded national journalist or announcer.   Where to begin?  The obvious Nishioki errors or the inability to get runs home when they're in scoring position with two outs?  The lack of hustle by Span in center field which allowed a runner to tag from first to second on a medium deep fly ball and later turned a double into a triple when he loafed after a gapper?  Valencia getting thrown out at home by five feet on a play where he had zero reason to even attempt to score?  How about the way too many walks to bottom of the order opponents?

And want to move it into the dugout?  What the hell was the deal with pinch-running for both Morneau and Kubel in the 8th in Sunday's game?  Taking two of your best hitters out of a 1-run game for a speed upgrade and basically guaranteeing yourself a loss if we hit extras?  Even worse than that though was letting Drew Butera hit in a 1-run game with runners on 2nd and 3rd and two outs in the 8th when you have Joe Mauer sitting on your bench.  Absolutely pathetic.  You're telling me that your best player and a guy you pay $23 million a year to can't get off his ass for one at-bat and two innings of playing catcher?  Just completely gutless and pathetic, and I don't know if I'm more mad at Mauer or Gardenhire, but every game counts you assholes.  Some of these decisions are the kind you'd make if you were actively trying to lose the game.  Manager of the year, folks.  Manager of the year.

I do not like the way this season is going already.  I know it's early, and if I was ranting about the hitting or pitching or a specific players early struggles I'd be an overreacting moron, and I'm sure they're out there.  But what I'm saying is there is something off about this team and they are playing stupid and Gardy's managing is worse than usual.  I'm afraid we're destined for a third place finish.  At least they won't get swept by the Yankees in the playoffs this year.

2.  Boston Red Sox.  Yikes.  I'm not a Boston fan at all, and although I have Lester, Buchholz, and Papelbon in fantasy I also have a wager on them under 95.5 wins so I'm kind of conflicted about their fortunes.  Who isn't conflicted is any Texas Ranger hitter, because they battered the shit out of anybody Boston trotted out to the mound.  Jon Lester:  5 ips, 5 runs, 3 homers allowed.  "Closer of the future" Daniel Bard:  allowed 4 runs and got two outs.  Jon Lackey:  allowed 9 runs and 10 hits in less than 4 innings.  Clay Buchholz:  gave up four dongs in six innings, and even when they brought in Papelbon to stop the bleeding he gave up a run and was lucky to escape with just that solitary mark against him.  This, my friends, was a thorough, thorough ass-whipping, and if I didn't own those three dickfors I'd have thoroughly enjoyed it. 

3.  Fausto Carmona.  When you're a moribund franchise going through a moribund period in your moribund existence and you really only have one or two bright spots, even if the bright side of one of those bright spots is that you might be trading him soon, it really sucks when he gets lit for 11 hits and 10 runs in just three innings.  Eleven hits.  Ten runs.  Three innings.  And this is from one of only three players you'd even consider league average (maybe four if you count set up guys - Rafael Perez).  You want to know what this baseball season is going to be like in Cleveland?  It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's going to last you for the rest of your life.  And the Twins will probably go .500 against them.

4.  DeAndre Liggins.  Ok, so he's a pretty insignificant player overall but he's also a starter on a Final Four team and, if you follow me on Twitter, you know he made me some money this weekend so I'm sticking him here.  When they were announcing players in the starting lineup before the game they showed his face and let's just say "deer in headlights" doesn't quite cover it, it was more like had been caught having sex with a tree - a male tree.  So I checked the line on him and he was OVER/UNDER 13.5 points+rebounds so I slapped down some money on the under, and bingo - four points (on 1-7 shooting) and 0 rebounds later I had a little extra to blow on booze.  So thank you Deadre Liggins, and thank you sportsbook for still accepting prop bets that close to tip off.  I'll be paying attention to the announcements tonight, that's for sure.

5.  John Axford.  This guy may be awesome at having a mustache, but he sucks at pitching (in case you have no idea who this is, he's the closer for Milwaukee with the sweet stache pictured below).  Axelford pitched twice this week against the Reds and, possibly because he wanted to fit in with the rest of the Brewers' staff, he got lit up.  His first time out was opening day and he entered with the Crew winning 6-3.  A couple hits, a sac fly, and a 3-run bomb later and Milwaukee (and Axelrod) was 0-1.  Then he got another turn on the hill on Sunday, this time in a game the Brewers were already losing 12-3, and gave up a couple of hits before being lifted for Kameron freaking Loe, some dork who doesn't spell either his first or last name correctly so that can't be good.  This is a pretty big deal for Milwaukee since with their lineup and starting pitching their looking to make a run at a division title.  If Axnard is just a slimmer, better mustachioed version of Bobby Jenks they're basically screwed.

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I meant to have some info/report on the McDonald's game, but I didn't have a chance to watch it yet.  Still have it on Tivo though, so I'll probably have some notes or something later this week or maybe for next week's Week in Review.  Or not.  I don't know.  I'm tired.

For tonight's big game I'm on Butler +3.5 and the over 128.5, both for 3 units.  I don't know who wins this game, but I think it's going to be close so I'm grabbing the points.  I also think Brade Stevens is probably the best coach in college basketball so I'm sure he'll figure out how to take Kemba out of the game and make the other guys beat him and I don't think they can.  I'm going with the over because 129 is really not that many points and these are two teams that can play pretty efficiently.  This just doesn't seem like a game where both teams are going to be in the low-60s.

Unfortunately it doesn't appear player props are up yet, which sucks and is also kind of weird.  I will be sure to post what I'm going to play once it pops up, just because I want to make sure you make money.  I am so giving sometimes it actually hurts.  Now I know what Jesus felt like.

MLB Preview: American League

After I won multiple awards for my NL preview yesterday, I couldn't very well ignore the American League, especially since that's all anybody around here cares about.  So that's what we got goin' down here tonight, a little American League chatter.  


Also I want to mention as a public service announcement that although the 5-8 Club is famous for their Juicy Lucys you shouldn't ignore the broasted chicken.  It's not quite as good as any random place at least 1 hour north of the cities (and the more norther the better), but for a city joint it's very good.  


Anyway, here you go.

 
AL EAST

1.  Boston Red Stockings.  There's a reason all thdork Red Sox fans are so excited for their team - they're going to be really god damn good.  They signed the top 2 free agent position players available who filled holes for them in Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, have an excellent rotation 1-5, a bullpen good enough that they can ship Hideki Okajima to triple-A, and, lest you think their 3rd place finish last year means they're overrated, they still won 89 games and several key players (Pedroia, Ellsbury, Youkilis) missed substantial time last season. In short, no matter how much you hate them and their fans (and I do with one exception) this team is going to be a monster.  The shark move here would be to make sure and get Papelboner as your fantasy closer, since he's going to get a ridonkulous amount of save opps.

2.  New York Yankees.  They're lucky that the offense is loaded up because that rotation is brutal.  Sabathia is good, I guess, but AJ Burnett is terrible, Phil Hughes is a dandy, Freddy Garcia is dead, and Ivan Nova will be in AAA ball by June.  That said, they're going to be tough to beat and should win a lot of 8-6 ball games, plus with Soriano setting up for Rivera they essentially just have to outscore you through 7 innings.  Side note: if you look at the lineup there's absolutely no reason Derek Jeter should be hitting anything other than 8th or 9th.  Other than the intangibles of course.  And those piercing blue eyes.

3.  Tampa Bay Rays.  Whoever stocked up the Rays farm system did one hell of a job, because it seems no matter who leaves there is always a hot young prospect ready to step in, and that especially includes the pitching staff.  This year those guys will have to be dead on, because behind provens David Price and James Shields are a bunch of youngins - talented youngins in Wade Davis, Jeff Niemann, and Jeremy Hellickson - but young just the same.  Two other things:  1.  FREE DESMOND JENNINGS!  and 2.  Kyle Farnsworth as your closer?  Seriously?  I dropped them from #2 to #4 for that reason alone.  Then bumped them back to #3 because Evan Longoria is both awesome and sexy.

4.  Baltimore Orioles.  I feel bad for these guys, I really do.  After years of throwing good money after bad, making poor decisions, and decimating the farm system they're finally starting to do things right.  They got a solid manager (Buck Showalter), good young talent (Adam Jones, Nick Markakis, Brian Matusz, Jake Arrieta), with more on the way (Zach Britton, Manny Machado, Chris Tillman), and are signing reasonable free agents who make sense and fit with the roster (Derrek Lee, Mark Reynolds, Kevin Gregg, and trading for JJ Hardy).  Really they're doing a lot right and in any other division they'd be a sleeper to win it.  Here, however, fourth place is their absolute upside.

5.  Toronto Blue Jays.  This is definitely a fun team if you like a youth movement - the oldest pitcher in the rotation is 26.  They also have fun prospects like LF Travis Snider and C JP Arencibia who are going to be handed starting jobs and told to run with them.  If the youth is good and crap factories Adam Lind and Aaron Hill - two of the biggest disappointments in all of baseball last year - can bounce back this team might be able to threaten for fourth place.  That being said, this team would be a contender in the AL Central.  Thank god the Twins are in such a shitty division.


AL CENTRAL

1.  Minnesota Twins.  Hey, speaking of the Twins being in a shitty division, here I am picking them to win again even though I'm not remotely impressed with this team.  If you're reading this you probably know everything you need to about the Twins so all I'm going to say is I hate hate hate hate hate the middle infield and I still don't understand the Hardy trade, but my biggest question is how they handled the whole Scott Diamond thing.  Trading Billy Bullock, he of the 150 strikeouts in 108 innings in two years at age 22 and the Twins second-round pick just TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO means that Diamond better be the best god damn reliever in history.   AGAGDASHKJ the season hasn't even started yet and I'm already mad.  Let's just move on.

2.  Detroit Tigers.  You know who I love this year?  Justin motherfuckin' Verlander.  He's been awesome the last several years, no doubt, but I think this is the year he goes from awesome to AWESOME.   I also love Austin Jackson, and I think if he can just have half of Delmon Young's plate discipline he's got super star written all over him, and the youngster SP duo of Scherzer and Porcello has got potential.  That's it that I like on that team because I hate everybody else including fat alcoholic and girl hair McGee.  I guess I don't hate Will Rhymes, but that's not because of his play (Punto-esque) but because of his sweet name.  If Snow had just called himself Will Rhymes Informer would have hit #1 on the charts.


3.  Chicago Gay Sox.  Ever have a player you love (Adam Dunn) who goes to a team you hate with every fiber of your being?  I always loved Mike Mussina and it broke my heart when he signed with the Yankees, but I never really really cared because it was AL East crap.  This time it's really going to test me.  I harbor no ill will towards Dunnsy right now, but I'm pretty sure the first time he takes a Nick Blackburn 88 mph heater 500 feet the other way (and you know it's coming) I'm pretty sure the hatred will rise up quickly.  Looking forward to the Twins facing Jesse Crain though, pretty sure we have some guys who will return that 500 foot favor.  Of course I'm assuming/hoping they got old Crain, not fancy new Crain from the second half of last season.  Because that guy was good.  Ah god dammit.  This is going to be so frustrating.

4.  Kansas City Royals.  Holy shit you guys are these last two teams brutal.  Honestly these might be the two worst teams in the entire league.  I'm going to throw the Royals in the lead because I like that fat doubles machine and $nake has a shirt of the Mexecutioner.  There's your upside, plus that Hawai'ian dude who's slugging like 3 in spring training.  The future is supposedly very bright here, which is good because the present is full of Jason Kendall and Bruce Chen.  No shit.  The Chenner.  Want to know how fucked up the Royals' are?  ESPN lists Melky Cabrera as their starting CF and starting RF, and that seems like it might be accurate.

5.  Cleveland Indians.  Carlos Santana is going to be awesome.  That's the entire list of positives I can come up with unless you believe in Justin Masterson (kind of sort of) or think Matt LaPorta might still be good (no chance).  Since I got nothin' else to say, here's a picture of a naked Grady Sizemore:

You know you love it.


AL WEST

1.  Oakland Athletics.  Ok fine, I'm buying in.  If San Francisco can win an entire World Series on the strength of their pitching staff, why can't Oakland win a crappy AL West on the strength of theirs?  Trevor Cahill and Brett Anderson are studs in the making, Gio Gonzalez is nasty, and Dallas Braden has the soft-tossing lefty thing down pat.  Add in bullpen additions in Brian Fuentes and Grant Balfour and I really like the pitching they've got here.  The offense was downright dreadful last year, and although the pick-ups of David DeJesus, Josh Willingham, and Godzilla will help it still isn't going to be pretty.  This is going to be another team that's going to have to win those 3-2 ball games quite a bit if they're going to contend.

2.  Texas Rangers.  These guys are the opposite of Oakland with their potent lineup that gets more potenter with Adrian Beltre at the hot corner, but with Cliff Lee gone the entire rotation is rather underwhelming, especially if you're like me and think they all suck outside of C.J. Wilson.  With such a shaky staff I don't understand why they're so strident in keeping Neftali Feliz as their closer.  Yes he was good last year, but he's easily the most talented pitcher on the team and came up through the minors as a starter, and since that's where they could maximize his value I'm baffled at the choice to keep him closing games.  Good for the rest of the AL, I suppose.

3.  Los Angeles Angels.  Just a massive pile of meh, which seems odd because these guys were perennial contenders not that long ago, but I guess missing out on Carl Crawford and having a back-up plan of standing around doing nothing will generally drag you down a smidge.  Jered Weaver and Dan Haren are a great 1-2 punch, especially since it turns out Weaver is actually good which shocked the hell out of me, but after that everybody is boring unless you think 1B Mark Trumbo can win rookie of the year.  I don't, because I have never heard of him.  When the left-side of the diamond is made up of Maicier Izturis, Erick Aybar, and Alex Rios you know damn well you aren't competing for anything, and don't forget their still trying to force Fernando Rodney to be a closer so they'll lose their share of close games as well.

4.  Seattle Mariners.  I picked these guys as my sleeper team last year.  Turns out I'm an idiot.  Good news though, they've taken major steps to turn this thing around by acquiring Jack Cust, Gabe Gross, Adam Kennedy, Miguel Olivo, and Brendan Ryan.  Jesus Christ guys, you only won 61 games last year and THIS is how you address your issues?  How can you be this shitty and only have three young, high upside guys in the entire system (Justin Smoak, Dustin Ackley, Michael Pineda)?  At least the Pirates and Royals look like they have a plan, and don't forget they had Cliff Lee!  What did they get for him, Smoak and a bag of balls?  This is terrible.  I can't wait until Felix forces his way out, maybe the Twins can get him for Cuddyer and Dusty Hughes.


POSTSEASON AND AWARDS:

NL MVP:  Troy Tulowitzki (alternate:  Buster Posey)
AL MVP:  Adrian Gonzalez (Evan Longoria)
NL Cy Young:  Clay Kershaw (Roy Halladay)
AL Cy Young:  Justin Verlander (Jon Lester)
NL Rookie: Domonic Brown (Freddie Freeman)
AL Rookie:  JP Arencibia (Desmond Jennings)
NL Division Winners:  Phillies, Reds, Giants
NL Wild Card:  Brewers
AL Division Winners:  Red Sox, Twins, A's
AL Wild Card:  Yankees
World Series:  Reds over Red Sox

Week in Review - 5/31/2010

It's pretty tough to keep track of what's going on in the world when you're spending an entire weekend at a cabin without a computer and limited/no cell phone reception.  Of course, the trade off is that you get to spend the whole time alternating between drinking, fishing, and drinking and fishing.  Pretty sweet deal.  Plus I caught a monster Swamp Muskie.  A monster.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Roy Halladay.  I, of course, missed this until I got back into town, but it seems Doc twirled himself a no-hitter this weekend.  That gets him to 7-3, with an ERA of 1.99 and a WHIP of 0.99, all while sporting a nice 70-12 strikeout-to-walk ratio.  So he's pretty much dominating the national league, just like I said, and has a shot to actually win 25 games, which I also said.  That's the reason I wanted to draft him early in our fantasy draft.  To which, Snake said, "I wouldn't draft Halladay if he was still there in the fifth round."  

2.  Jon Lester.  Remember watching this guy carve up the Twins a couple weeks ago?  Well that wasn't a fluke, and he continued mowing down hitters this week, going 2-0 and racking up 14 strikeouts in 13 innings while giving up just five hits and one run.  He's now #2 in the league in strikeouts and ranks in the top ten in both ERA and WHIP.  For years when I read about top prospects there was talk about the two Red Sock arms:  Lester and Clay Buchholz.  And now they've both actually developed and become top pitchers in the American League.  Since the Red Sox have more money than Scrooge McDuck they'll never have to worry about losing these guys in free agency and can just ride them for the next decade.  Great.  I really hate Boston.

3.  Buster Posey.  Besides having a sweet name, Posey is one of the top hitting prospects in all of baseball, but the Giants have kept him down at AAA because they are trying to figure out a position for him.  He's a catcher officially, but I think he's a catcher more like how Brian McCann and Brian Harper were catchers more than how Joe Mauer and the Molina's are catchers.  But when the bat talks, the bat talks, and after hitting .349/.442/.552 at Fresno the Giants made the call and brought him up this weekend.  He responded well.  In his first game, he went 3-4 with 3 RBI, and in game two on Sunday he 3-5 with two doubles and an RBI.  Sounds very Wilson Ramos-y, but I'm no anticipating that same dropoff for Posey.  Oh, and remember how I said he was a bad defensive catcher?  He played first base in both games. 

4.  Jason Kubel.  He's heating up folks.  Lock up your wives and daughters people, Kubel is heating up.  He hit .375 this week with 2 homers and 3 doubles, and continued to walk like a madman with an OBP of .500 - by far his overall best week this season.  What's crazy is even with his average languishing down in the .230s (and that's a big improvement lately), he's still OBPing at .355 and is second on the team in RBI.  If he can keep up this hot streak, I think we're talking possible triple-crown winner.  Yes, this year.

5.  The Daytona 500.  What a race!  It was amazing how all those guys drove in a circle so fast.  I'm kidding of course, because this stupid race is only thing that sucks about Memorial Day weekend.  I'd rather remove my own eyeballs with a shrimp fork than watch racing of any kind.  Not counting the Kentucky Derby. 


WHO SUCKED

1.  Phillies.  It seems a titch weird to be putting a team who had a pitcher throw a no-hitter for them into the sucked category, but that was only one of two games they won this week, going 2-4.  Going 2-4 might not necessarily warrant inclusion in the bottom section on it's own, but here are their run totals for the week:  0, 0, 0, 3, 1, 0.  And here is the illustrious group of pitchers who held them to four total runs for the week:  R.A. Dickey, Hisanori Takahashi (2 career starts), Mike Pelphrey, Chris Volstad, Josh Johnson (he's actually good), and Anibal Sanchez - and this doesn't even include the near no-hitter Dice-K tossed at them last Saturday.  I have a theory.  When Rollins was out, their midset was just "hold it together until J-Roll comes back."  Then he did, and there was much rejoicing.  But, as you would know if you have him on your fantasy team, he got hurt again and is back on the DL, and this time they're pretty bummed.  They're still going to end up winning the World Series, but they'll just do it in a less dominating fashion.

2.  Kendry Morales.   Remember when one of the Gramatica brothers blew out his knee after celebrating like he scored a goal in the World Cup?  This is like that, except not quite as funny.  In case you missed it, Morales hit a game-winning Grand Slam to beat the Mariners.  For some reason, despite it being a game in late May and not in September, the entire team met him at home plate to celebrate.  Morales jumped up to land on the plate, and somehow came out of it with a broken leg - a broken leg that might have ended his season.  Morales leads the team in average, home runs, and RBI and led in HRs, RBI, and OPS last year, so this is a pretty significant blow.  Seriously guys, I know it's exciting to win on a walk-off grand slam, but it's pretty hard to feel sympathy considering they were acting like they won Game 7 of the World Series.  Karma is always watching, and Karma hates jackassery.

3.  Bobby Jenks.  This guy sucks so hard.  He came into a non-save situation and gave up 3 hits and 3 runs while walking another 3 guys, and his ERA now stands at 6.35, and his WHIP is 2.06.  Somehow he's 7 out of 8 in save opportunities, but when he comes in and it's not a save opp he can't find the plate, and when he does he just gets ripped.  Plus he's a big fat idiot who sucks.  He's like Charlie Kerfeld crossed with Guy Fieri, with a dash of Jesse Crain.

4.  Vince Carter.  Bill Simmons long-running opinion of Vince Carter as a player you can't build a team around just continues to get validated over and over again, and really, just a bang-up job against the Celtics.  In the three games this week, Vinsanity managed to shoot 10-34, highlighted by an awesome 1-9 in game 4.  I saw the one basket he made, and it was a very nice take to the rim, one where he got hit pretty hard and made the free throw for a 3-point play.  But, just like Simmons says, if he gets hit he stops getting to the paint and settles for jumpers.  And that's exactly what he did.  The Magic are screwed with him on the team, but he's under contract for two more years.  Even more tragic:  he and Rashard Lewis (who also disappeared this postseason) will make a combined $36 million next year.  Thirty.  Six.  Million.  Dollars.

5.  NBA Finals.  Speaking of basketball, I'm bored by this matchup.  I'll be rooting for the Celtics, because I love watching Ray Allen shoot the J and I still kind of like Kevin Garnett and I hate Kobe Bryant and basically every other Laker other than Shannon Brown, but I'm bored with it.  It will actually be pretty fascinating to watch and see how Kobe deals with such a solid defensive team and if he is willing to keep getting Gasol involved or if he goes into one man show mode and how the Lakers are going to deal with Rondo/Allen/Pierce when Derek Fisher is going to be involved defensively.  Maybe it's really not all that bad of a matchup.  There are some good story lines and strategy decisions that need to be made here.  I take it back, it should be a pretty good finals.


Lastly, I didn't really want to put him in the official awesome section, but it should be noted here for posterity that Snacks had one of the best fishing weekends I've been privileged to see.  Apparently a chartreuse single-bladed spinner with a skirt guarantees you won't have to worry about going more than three casts in a row without catching something.  Nicely done.  Although I still caught the biggest swamp muskie (and the biggest crappie).

Week in Review - 4/4/2010

Baseball baseball baseball baseball baseball.  Seriously, this NCAA hoops championship matchup really sucks, but at least we have baseball.  Hell, I even enjoyed the hell out of the Yankees/Red Sox last night, and usually I'd rather die than watch those two teams play.  Now, if some of their fans want to go at it, who am I to stand in the way?

God bless baseball.

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Harrison Barnes.  Did you happen to check out any of the McDonald's All-Star festivities this week?  If you did, you would have definitely noticed Harrison Barnes.  First was all the goofy stuff, in which Mr. Barnes finished third in the three-point competition and third in the skills competition while eschewing the dunk contest because he was too pimp and knows that dunk contests are for the same people who love monster truck rallies and Big Buck Hunter.  Then he went out and dominated the actual all-star game, scoring 18 points and grabbing I think something like 40 rebounds.  He is going to be a beast.  Remember the part where I said he finished third in both the skills competition and the three-point contest?  Yeah, he's also 6-7.  And I read where somebody called him "the most competitive high-school player since Kobe Bryant."  I have no idea what that means since I never saw Kobe in high school, but I have to imagine it's some kind of compliment.  Should've picked the Gophers, Harrison.  Your bad.

I should also mention that soon to be Duke PG Kyrie Irving's favorite book is Catcher in the Rye, which automatically means I'm a big fan of his and he's now my second all-time favorite Dookie behind Ricky Price, who was god on Coach K for the Genesis.

2.  Missouri State/Virginia Commonwealth.  Congrats to these two teams for winning their tournaments, Mizz State the CIT and VCU the CBI.  Unlike the NIT you can actually take pride in winning these two tournaments (more on that below).  Your team sucked and wasn't worthy of an NCAA bid and probably had no shot since day one, but you get to keep playing against other semi-crappy teams and if you win you've proven you're the best of the lousiest.  Hey, it's something.  Better than being Iowa.

3.  Eric Hayes.  I know you don't know who this is, so I'll just tell you.  He's a graduating senior guard on Maryland who averaged 11 pts and 4 assists per game this season, but more importantly he took his 45% three-point shooting to the NCAA Three-point contest earlier this week and won the whole thing, and dominated while doing it.  He posted the best score in each of the three rounds while shooting his way past guys like Ryan Wittman, Jason Bohannon, and other assorted whities to grab the title and join the prestigious list of past winners which includes nobody who I can remember right now.  And that's really I have to say about Eric Hayes.  You can expect Blake to be in this thing next year.

4.  Butler.  I have no idea why I'm not solidly behind Butler.  I mean, I'll be rooting for them since they're playing Duke who are all gays or jerks or gay jerks, but I'm just not buying into the whole underdog thing.  Maybe it's too much of being shoved down my throat and all the retarded comparisons to Hoosiers.  I don't know.  I just know that I'm not a Butler fan.  Except for tonight.  Tonight I will be praying to god that Butler wins, and you know God cares about this one because everybody knows Duke is Satan's team.

5.  The Taco Hawks.  Seriously you guys, me and Snake's Fantasy Baseball team (named after former WKU star Orlando Mendez-Valdez) is just stacked.  Check this out:
C - Matt Wieters.  See here
1B - Justin Morneau - 30 homers + fun factor?  Perfect.
2B - Rickie Weeks - he walks often and has power, expect a big year after his injury last season
3B - Evan Longoria - you know you have a crush on him too
SS - Jason Bartlett - last year wasn't a fluke.  Nice trade, Twins.
OF - Matt Kemp - 30/30 is his downside
OF - BJ Upton - he's back, baby.
OF - Jason Kubel - yet another MVP candidate on our team
UT - Billy Butler - keeps getting better

SP - Zach Grienke - will probably win 20 even on that shitty team
SP - Cole Hamels - thanks for letting him slide, draft-mates
SP - Chad Billingsley - a lock for 20 wins
SP - Tommy Hansen - stud
SP - Matt Garza - yes, that's five Cy Young candidates on our team
RP - Rafael Soriano - plenty of chances for saves with the Rays
RP - Jon Rauch - Believe it.

And that's without even getting into the potential breakout pitchers on our bench - Stephen Strasburg, Homer Bailey, and Madison Bumgarner.

I told you - we're stacked..  And we did it without a single Yankee, Red Sock, or White Sock, so there are no dirty feelings.  Although you should know Snake was pushing to take Jeter around the fourth or fifth round.  Ick.


WHO SUCKED

1.  J'mison Morgan.  No, he's not here for that horrendous spelling of his name, but because he seems like he might be following the Jaron Rush school of squandering your talent.  Morgan was the #25 recruit coming out two years ago and the #4 center in his class.  Since signing with UCLA, however, he hasn't done much and was dismissed from the team earlier this week.  Morgan was suspended for a game in early March for missing a meeting and didn't play in either of the Bruins Pac-10 Tournament games, and pretty much struggled with being fat all season long.  When he did play he didn't do much, averaging just 2.1 points and 1.1 rebounds per game over his two years, with career highs of 8 points and 4 rebounds.  UCLA has now lost Morgan and Drew Gordon this season, but honestly they're probably better off.  Howland really needs to recalibrate his recruitilizer before he ends up without a team.  I hear Monson is gunning for the UCLA job.  Also nice name, jackass.

2.  Dayton.  I know that I've ever said anything good about Dayton, and I'm not going to start now just because they won the NIT.  Hey morons, how about you play like this during the season, actually live up to expectations and make the NCAA Tournament instead of winning something that almost ten people in the whole world even know is going on.  Chris Wright, Marcus Johnson, and Chris Johnson all had a couple of really nice games in Madison Square Garden in the Flyers' wins over Ole Miss and UNC, but where were you all season long?  If you were a little more consistent you wouldn't have lost to St. Louis.  Or Duquesne.  Or St. Joe's.  I swear winning the NIT is nothing more than a reminder that your team shit the bed and way underachieved all season long.

3.  West Virginia.  Da'Sean Butler didn't bother to show up until the game was mostly out of hand, the Mountaineers played basically zero defense and little offense, they couldn't keep Zoubek off the glass, and for some unfathomable reason Bobby Huggins never went with the 1-3-1, despite the fact that it was the team's go-to defense all year long and that man-to-man was doing nothing but giving Duke wide open looks.  If you were worried about going zone against a team with shooters like Duke, trust me, they couldn't have gotten more open.  Just an ugly, crappy, shitty game by a Mountaineer team that on Saturday didn't come close to resembling the team they were all season long.  Ugly. 

4.  Chicago Cubs.  Guess who the Cubbies' fourth starter is this year?  Come on, guess.  You'll never get it.  It's Carlos Silva.  It seems he's not only still in baseball, which seemed unlikely enough, but also beat out Jeff Samardzjia and Sean Marshall, which means those two should probably start considering killing themselves - or, failing that obvious move, retire.  I can't even come up with anything else to say here.  Carlos Silva won the fourth spot in the Cubs' rotation really just speaks for itself.

5.  Red Sox.  They actually allowed the Yankees to pull off the double steal, first and third thing.  Seriously, what is this, little league?


Finally, I leave you with the following:

"The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again."

God Damn It.

I hate the Yankees so much.  I can't even believe I thought I hated the Red Sox as much as I hated them.  Not even close.

Pretty much the only saving grace tonight is Mrs. W thinks Chase Utley is hot.  That makes two of us, my dear, that makes two of us.  I believe the quote was, "he looks like Jess from Gilmore Girls."  Sadly, I know what that means.

This is the first time I've ever approved of one of her crush's more other than that one time she liked me.


Also I just want to say Cohutta is the fuckin' man.  I love that bumpkin.

I hope the Red Sox Lose

Sitting here at my parents' house (due to a flight tomorrow early and a babysitting issue we are spending the night over here) and having a nice glass of a fine Captain Morgan and taking in the Red Sox vs. Angels game.  Naturally, I hate the Red Sox more than I hate communists and  spiders combined, so I hope to hell they lose.  We're picking this up in the bottom of the third, tie ball game at 0-0.

-  By the way, since I'm here I saw my mother is currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover (the book).  Yes, I get it's supposed to be a classic, but of course I had to tease her about reading smut.  Somehow this led to my mom talking for like five minutes and using words like penis and phallus.  I think I need another drink.  A double.  Or triple.

-  Now she just used the C-word.  Not as a curse word, but explaining how they use "that word" a lot in her smut book.  I swear to god I'm not making this up.  And now I'm getting the whole synopsis of this book.  It's basically porn.  Some chick is married and screwing around but her husband told her to go ahead and get pregnant by some other dude.  I don't know.  I just came here to watch baseball, jesus.

-  Somebody's on second for the Angels with one out.  God please I need to change the subject of my brain.

-  Did  you know Jon Lester once had cancer and then came back and pitched a no-hitter? 

-  I should also mention my mom went to a wine-tasting tonight.  Now she won't stop talking.  I can't even concentrate on the game - I have no idea what's happening, but I can tell you that some daughter of someone my mom knows is not behaving very well.  I don't know.  I can't keep up with the stories.

-  Bobby FatBreau walks, putting two on and one out for Torii Hunter, my mom's favorite player of all-time.  So NOW we get to watch the game.  I see how this works. 

-  Now the conversation has turned towards my blog, and she said I really need to "clean it up."  Well F that.  How am I supposed to clean it up with all this smut talk she's throwing my way.

-  Hunter walks.  I don't think I've ever seen that before.  First time for everything I guess.  So now we're loaded up for Guerrero.  I haven't looked up his stats this year, but he used to be pretty awesome.  Time to break this game open Vladdy.

-  Vlad strikes out, swinging at three straight pitches and reminding me of Jose Morales.  He used to remind me of Kirby Puckett, now he reminds me of Morales.  I'm guessing he must have hit some sort of age wall here.

-  My dad now called to have me check the playoff tickets that came in the mail today and tell him what section and row, so I missed the first two outs but now Roided-Ass David Ortiz is up.  He hit no home runs early but hit 27 late, I wonder if he re-learned how to swing or if he started up another cycle.

-  I just checked and this was Vlad's worst year of his career and by a lot.  Also Ortiz whiffs.  My mom seems to be slowing down.

-  Did you know Vlad led the league in caught-stealing in 2002?  It's true.

-  I think Lester is wearing a Crain-necklace.  Probably why the ump just made a horrendous call against the Sox.  Kendrick on first and two outs and I think someone named Mathis is up.  He might be a catcher but don't quote me on that.

-  Well I don't know if he's a catcher but I know he sucks because he just struck out.  Lester is seemingly developing quite well, too bad the Twins couldn't snag him in that stupid Johan trade.  Yeah, that's working out beautifully.  Christ, the centerpiece of the Yankees offer was Phil Hughes and he's developed into a stud 8th inning setup guy - more than the Twins can say they got out of their actual trade right now, apologies to C-Go fans.

-  Did I ever tell you how I almost played softball with J.D. Drew.  True story.  It was when he was holding out and playing for the Saints, and he was staying at a hotel down town where my friend Bear was working and they kind of got to be buddies.  We were playing on the same softball team and Bear asked him if he would play with us, he said he would, but before we had our next game he finally signed and obviously couldn't play softball with a bunch of weirdos.  Frickin' Scott Boras.  One more week.  One more week.

-  Wait a minute.  They're shooting something into the moon tonight?  That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.  Or, more accurately, an unmanned spacecraft launched in June will finally crash into the moon tonight in an attempt to find out if there is water or ice under the moon's surface.  This seems pretty elaborate to test for something they could have found out with, you know, a shovel, in the 1960s.  I'm guessing this is cover because the government has found out the Ko-Dan Armada is preparing to attack, and this is a covert test of our outer space missile defense system (OSMDS).  You heard it here first.

-  It seems I'm not paying any attention to the game, but it's now the bottom of the fifth with 1 out, runners on 1st and 3rd, and your boy Torii Hunter up again.  And now he's no longer up because he just hit the longest home run of all-time to give the Angels a 3-0 lead.  Jon Lester:  he could beat cancer, but he couldn't beat Torii Hunter.  Also my mom would like you all to know that she loves Torii, even though he doesn't have the sweetest ass in the league.  That belongs to Johnny Damon.

-  People who don't love baseball are idiots.  Seriously.  I bet if you did a correlation study where variable a = IQ and variable b = love of baseball, r would equal like, 0.9.  For real.

-  Did you see my Rockies tied up their series at 1-1?  I'd report more on it, but the game was at 1:30 when I was at work because I have a real job.  Rockies guy, take it away.

-   I really didn't like On The Road.  Sorry Dharma Bum.  Sorry.  I also feel like I'm getting really random.  I think their might be some rum in this rum and coke.

-  Football and IQ is probably like a -0.8.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

-  Game update:  Angels up 3-0, bottom of the seventh.  Care level:  dropping.

-  Bobby Fatbreau is now 0-0 on the game with four walks.  God that gives me such a boner.

-  Hunter hit by pitch.  Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to do that when he was with the Twins? 

-  Good thing the Sux brought in Mendoza or Ramirez or whatever Mexican that was so he could walk, HBP, and give up a hit.  Bases loaded and nobody out.  Good night Boston, you freaking retahds.

-  Would you believe my parents down own a pizza cutter?  True story.

-  You know, Nick Blackburn is a better pitcher than A.J. Burnett.  Unfortunately, the Yankees have a much better offense than the Twins, obviously.  Just get a split in NY and let's get a little more dome magic, am I right?

-  Some japanese guy almost got out of the jam but then instead gave up a two run double.  So close.  My dad's home now.  He was at his bowling league tonight and then the bar.  I'll be sure to let you know if he says anything wacky.

-  Well now they're talking about my academic career and how I got Cs a lot because I would never ever hand in homework but would ace all the tests.  Yeah, a non-conforming genius who plays by his own rules.  What up, ladies?

-  We're now getting a rundown of the bowling league tonight, so instead I'll tell you what's funny about the guys who are already getting thrown out as possible Free Agent targets of the Twins:  Chone Figgins and J.J. Hardy.  Guess who two of the top Targets are of the Tigers, according to my Tiger fan friends?  Yep.  And if you don't think there's about 15 other teams with those guys on their radar, you don't know dick.

-  this game is lame, my parents aren't being funny, and I have to get up before dawn to head to the airport, so I'm going to shut 'er down.  Look for a scheduled post of an ACC preview at around 1:30 or so tomorrow, then I'll be back Wednesday - so no Weekend Review this week.  Hopefully you'll figure out a way to get over it.  [of course, as I sign off I hear not only my parents discussing the merits of Nick Punto, but also hear my dad go on an absolute rant about Cub being sold out of roasted and salted soynuts, so I may be missing out on the good stuff]

Baseball Season has Officially Arrived

Relax, everyone, it's finally here. The first Yankees-Red Sox series of the year, which means baseball has now started and nothing else matters (except for the NFL draft, which warrants a ridiculous 20 hours of coverage).

Seriously ESPN, lay off a bit, it's embarrassing. This isn't the Bosnians and the Serbs here, and it isn't a war, it's just baseball. Plenty of other teams out there playing too.

On the other hand...

Weekend Review

WHO WAS AWESOME

1. Matt Garza. And David Price. And BJ Upton. And Evan Longoria. And Willy Aybar. And all the Rays. Awesome bounce back from that crushing loss in game five to come back and win in seven to head to the series to lose to the Phillies. How insanely good was Garza? And Price, shutting the door in the 8th and 9th, despite not even being a relief pitcher and not even being in the majors until September? This team is loaded, and this will most definitely not be their last playoff appearance. Delmon Young better get his shit together.

2. Gopher Football. Congrats to the Gophers on getting themselves ranked in the top 25 (#25 to be exact) and 24th in the BCS rankings. Certainly a great step up from last season, no doubt. With the schedule they have remaining they have a chance to end up going 11-1, it shouldn’t be expected, but it is within the realm of possibility. Would that be enough to get to a BCS bowl? A lot would have to happen with the teams above them, but I don’t think it’s out of the question. In any case, they should end up at a top tier bowl, probably against an SEC team where they’ll get crushed, but it wouldn’t be an embarrassment to anyone. This season has already exceeded most people’s wildest expectations for this team. I’d love to make a smartass comment here, but I just can’t. I’m pretty happy over here.

3. Tennessee Titans. Now 6-0 and basically making it look easy. Yes, I said they wouldn’t be very good this year, but that was with Vince Young at quarterback. Once you get Kerry Collins involved, all bets are off. He’s nothing special, but he does a pretty good job of taking care of the ball and keeping them in the game (exactly what Young doesn't do) so that top shelf defense and solid running game can beat down a team. Chris Johnson looks very AP-like so far and can break one at any time, and FatDale just keeps running into people and falling down until they get so tired and worn out from having 300 pounds bouncing into them over and over again they can barely stand. Note: his 80 yard TD run doesn’t mean he’s good, it just means Kansas City is really THAT bad.

4. Texas Longhorns. Damn dude, those are a couple of very impressive back-to-back wins by the Longhorns, following up last week’s win against Oklahoma with a 56-31 stomping of #11 Missouri in a game that wasn’t even that close. Texas QB Colt McCoy has jumped to the lead of the Heisman race, going 29-32 for 337 yards and 2 TDs (with 2 more rushing). Read that again. 29 for 32. Those are video game numbers. Texas still has a ways to go, with games against Texas Tech, Kansas, and Oklahoma State still to go, but they’ve certainly staked their claim as the best team in college football.

5. Mewelde Moore. I've written before that Mewelde is better than Reggie Bush, and once again I've been proven correct. The Steelers have finally given him the chance to be a feature back he deserves thanks to a few injuries and he's rewarded them big time. Yesterday he rushed 20 times for 120 yards and 2 TDs with another touchdown receiving. Reggie Bush? 9 carries for 55 yards and no touchdowns, and is so bad at scoring TDs that they gave the ball to some white guy named Mike Karney to score their one yard TD. "But what about receiving?" you say. "He's so valuable in the passing game" you say. Really? 1 catch for 5 yards. Mewelde had five catches. And a TD. The previous week, Mewelde went 17 carries for 99 yards, while bush was 14 carries for 27 yards. Case closed.


WHO SUCKED

1. BYU. Yes, this happened on Thursday but whatever, it still counts and it helps strengthen my belief in the DWG Jinx, since I highlighted BYU and their easy road to a BCS Bowl a couple of weeks ago. Of course, they went out on Thursday and got beat by TCU, and got beat badly at that, 32-7 ending their something like one hundred game winning streak. Cougars QB Max Hall threw two picks and was sacked seven times (sacked only once previously this season) as BYU rushed for a total of 23 yards while giving up 410 total yards to the Horned Frogs. Yeah, that’ll do it.

2. Football in the state of Michigan. Wow, where to begin? The Lions didn’t bother to show up until the second half, falling behind 21-0 to the Texans before making a game of it and losing in the end 28-21. They are on an almost inevitable course towards 0-16, and I see no possible way to break it – except maybe against the Vikings in week 14. The Spartans have a great opportunity to show they are a quality team going up against the Buckeyes, and lay a complete egg, getting rolled 45-7, taking their season from “potentially special” to “who the hell cares.” And the Wolverines, whose entire program is basically in the crapper right now, have a huge chance to score a quality upset win against Penn State after going up 17-7 in the second quarter. Then Penn State scored the next 39 POINTS to end up winning 46-17, not only getting a victory but covering a spread that looked completely safe with two minutes remaining in the second quarter. Good thing they at least have the Pistons. And Red Wings I guess. I think they’re good.

3. Minnesota Vikings. Good lord, what the hell was that? One of the worst offensive teams ever (outside of AP of course) manages to somehow miraculously score 41 points and they lose? I know their special teams is brutal, so it’s not surprising they gave away some free points, but what about the defense? I thought this year’s version of the Vikings’ defense was supposed to be a cross between the 86 Bears and the 2000 Ravens? It sure didn’t bother the Bears and Neck Beard, who threw for 286 and two TDs. To be honest, it felt like a whole lot more than that. There was never a point where the Vikings defense looked like they even had a prayer of stopping the Bears. At least they have a bye coming up next week to try to figure out what the hell is wrong.

4. Dustin Pedroia’s nickname. I recently learned that Boston fans call him “Destroyah.” Like, if you were unfortunately born in Boston and have that retarded ingrained inability to enunciate, and you tried to say Destroyer instead of saying it like a normal human person you would say it so it rhymed with Pedroia. Horrible. Worst nickname since Steve Esselink started going by “Sunshine.”

5. Indiana Jones. Yeah, we rented that new movie about the Crystal Skulls and all. I gotta tell ya, I can’t believe they waited twenty years and THIS is the script they came up with. Brutal. Not so much the script, but the idea was brutal. The really frustrating thing is that it felt like an Indiana Jones movie. The action, the archaeology, the music, everything was like Indiana never left, except for the god damn retarded faggy plot. I think what happened was Lucas and Spielberg got some guy and said, “You make this movie for us but here is your plot and you can’t deviate and here are some plot points that go with it that you have to hit.” And that guy took the crap they gave him and did a phenomenal job. But it’s still crap. Although that fictional guy who I made up just there deserves an oscar or emmy or whichever one goes for movies.

Ha Ha: A Photo Essay

I'm sad? No, you're sad!

Drinking at home. Go me.

- In case you missed it or didn't want to hunt around the internet, Devron Bostick won the dunk contest and Lawrence "LDUB $ SIKC 6" Westbrook won the three point contest at the Gophers' Before Midnight Madness hoo-ha. If you want more details, you can get plenty from the nerds over at The Gopher Hole. Lot's of good info, and I'm very excited about the reaction to Paul Carter, who I was expecting the least out of among the newcomers this year. Granted the Gopher Holies are generally pretty optimistic, but it sounds good to me.

- Speaking of nerds, From the Barn has a very nice rundown of Tubby's Tip-Off with more details than you could ever need. I don't particularly feel comfortable with his Kevin Love comparison, but pretty good stuff in general. Also be sure to check out his player-by-player preview of the 2008-2009 season. Not featured: praise for Kevin Payton. Except that he's tall.

- This is freaking unbelievable. TBS is showing the Steve Harvey show right now because they're "having technical difficulties" and aren't able to show the Sox/Rays game. Bull. F'ing. Crap. This is some kind of pro-Red Sox conspiracy, I know it.

- Remember Kenny George? The 7-7 behemoth from UNC-Asheville? The guy who's pro scouting sheet read:
PROS: Really tall. Has both feet.
CONS: Everything else
Remember him? Well, update your cheatsheets, because he just had part of his foot lopped off. Apparently he had some sort of bad ass infection or some such. He should probably wash his feet better, but I bet it's tough when you're so far away from them. Should probably use a stick.

- Bossman Junior Upton just hit a homerun that I can't watch. But on the bright side, Steve Harvey is funny.

- I'm kidding. No he's not. And if you just agreed with that what I said up there then you should probably stop watching TV.

- Hey whoever this announcer is, they do not call James Shields, "Big Game James." That's James Worthy. And now announcer #2 even brings up Worthy, and acknowledges and condones the stolen nickname, which is only ok if you're LaDainian Tomlinson. Homerun Youkilis. Nice pitch, Worthy.

- I'm a wee bit concerned about my boy Rico. Checking out the report on Pepperdine's Midnight Madness, there's nary a single mention of King Rico. He didn't participate in the dunk contest, despite winning it last year, and was also absent from the three point contest, despite being able to make it rain. There is a play-by-play of the intrasquad scrimmage available, and he doesn't show up there either. There is no mention of an injury anywhere on Pepperdine's site.

I was concerned, so I checked out his facebook page, and he seems to be in good spirits as he recently changed his status to read, "Rico Tucker is the New King of Everything." I can't say I disagree. I may have found a clue, however, in a mysterious message left on his page by Moe Hargrow. It reads,

"my niggga...wus hood? yea back on the book to keep in tune wit the rest of the world. As for me back across the water for another season"

Perhaps if I can decipher this cryptic message I will find the answers I seek.

- Did I ever tell you that Mrs. W is a Red Sox fan? So embarrassing.

- What's best: Cheez-Its, Cheese Nips, or Goldfish?

- I was going to write about how the Twins were lucky at this point to not have gotten Jacoby Ellsbury in a Santana trade, since he OPS+'d just 89 and was basically nothing more than a fast, excellent defensive center fielder with no real pop and lacking an understanding of the strike zone. Then I realized how familiar that sounded, except Gomez was even worse at the plate.

- Tonight's post is brought to you by Monica Keena:As seen in such films as Freddy vs. Jason and some other movies that don't matter.

- F v J was actually a pretty good movie by the way. Of course, I'm a huge Friday the 13th fan, but in my totally biased opinion it was one of the better ones in either series. Quite clever how they wrote it up to get those two together, and a very good ending. Unlike the new Indiana Jones movie. More on that Monday.

- Are you telling me we're all paused and what not here because of an Umpire's injury? What happened? Did he actually call a strike and it caused massive chest pains? We had flipped away so now I'm all confused. Much like the new Indiana Jones movie.

- Basically they're just freezing Shields at this point. Thank god he's Big Game James and this ain't no thing for him. I still don't know what the hell happened, but we're back.

- Is there a worse hitter right now than Jason Varitek? He's completely lost up there. It's like watching Snacks try to hit a lefty in town ball. He hit all of .220 this year, with an OPS+ of 74 and has gone 3-14 and 0-14 in the two playoff series so far. Note: That OPS+ of 74 is in the same basic region as Carlos Gomez this season. But according to Snacks he has 30 homerun potential, so look out world.

- Crawford steals second, which means Varitek can't hit nor can he throw runners out. Having trouble figuring out why he's even on the team at this point.

- You know, I've heard a whole assfaceload of times about how Cliff Floyd is just a winner, and he wins everywhere he goes. Well, what happened in 1995 (66-78)? 1998 (54-108)? 1999 (64-98)? 2003 (66-95)? And there's a bunch of other sub .500 seasons in there too. Plus, he just grounded out here in the fourth with the tying run on second, so it's clear he doesn't "win everywhere he goes" but he doesn't even know how to win and probably doesn't even want to win. What a dick.

- Nevermind about Varitek, he just threw out Navarro. Dioner Navarro. The opposing catcher. He has five career steals and his middle name is Favian, I sure as hell hope you can throw him out. Why the holy mother hell is he stealing in the first place? I hope that was a busted hit and run. I'd know, but Mrs. W got all antsy so we're watching the Office now. That Creed is a funny Mofo.

- As I typed that Jason "Sweet Cheeks" Bartlett goes deep to tie the game, and once again assures me that our Bartlett vs. Varitek Total Bases bet will be a win.

- WTF? Seriously?

- That was awesome how Bartlett couldn't make a throw to first there, leading to another Boston run. It's like watching the Tigers against the Cardinals two years ago, they're just giving it away.

- God, fine. Here's another Wonderbaby (TM) picture:
I don't know. Eating a fake pig. She's not a genius.

- Terrelle Pryor is the next Mike Vick.

- Holy god the Rays are pissing down their legs like Ohio State against an SEC team. Except they are actually more talented, not less. I bet I could have made a good comparison for this like an hour ago, but beer makes my brain not work so good. In any case, they're choking hard. Like your mom. There, that's a pretty good comparison.

- I'm calling it a game here. Pena just got an inside fastball from Masterson with a runner on that he should have absolutely crushed, but completely missed it and hit a horridly weak pop up. Rays suck. Go Phillies.

- I would be willing to bet $5,000 (approx. 1 week's pay) that Papelbon gets passed around the Red Sox clubhouse like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank.

- God dammit. I just, I just hate the Red Sox so much. And if they win tomorrow night all we're going here is a bunch of destiny bullshit. and just now as the game ended and the gay sox won Mrs. W started clapping and I've never wanted to toss her down a flight of stairs more than I do right now. Except right after she told me she was pregnant.

Adjust Accordingly

FYI - PA on KFAN just said that if the Rays don't win tonight the Red Sox will win the series. Despite the fact that they would be going back to Tampa, where the Rays were 57-24 this season and 8-1 against the Redsox.

I guess they better win tonight.

Weekend Review

WHO WAS AWESOME:

1. Gopher Football. Nice to finally be able to put them up in this category instead of down below, but they belong here after a very nice win at Illinois on Saturday. I won’t even emphasize how the Illinois were pretty much able to move up and down the field at will, and basically did everything in their power to give the game away and still managed to almost win. Instead, I’ll focus on the Gophers’ ability to make the big play when needed, whether the big run by Eskridge or VanDeSteeg getting after The Juice and causing yet another Illini turnover. Any way you want to slice it, this is a huge win for the program, and it really shows that they have come along way, even since last season. Although let’s not start talking Rose Bowl just yet, nerds. For a better breakdown on the game, check out Buck Bravo and The Gopher Football blog's takes.

2. Baseball Playoffs. How awesome are the baseball playoffs? It’s this time of the year when I really don’t understand those folk who dislike baseball. I can kind of get it during the regular season, since it is quite long with the 162 games – even though it’s perfect to me. But during the playoffs here? The awesome fun of the couple of extra inning games already? Watching Evan Longoria in his first playoffs, leading the young, awesome, fun Rays against the dirty evil Red Sox. Watching Cole Hamels and Dice K slice up the opposing batters, and just the whole overall dynamic where every game means so much. It’s just so awesome.

3. Andre Johnson. Speaking of awesome, did you see how the incredible and uncoverable Andre Johnson run around the Miami Dolphins secondary like they were children? The guy is just straight up amazing. Ten catches for 178 yards and a TD and it doesn’t even look like he’s trying. So good.

4. Penn State. Maybe the Big Ten does have an actual good team this year, just not the one everyone thought it would be at the beginning of the season. The Nittany Lions dismantled Wisconsin 48-7 over the weekend in Madison, running their Big Ten record to 3-0. With a win in the books over Illinois as well, they only have a game at Ohio State and a home game against Michigan State left to deal with. After everything else that happened this weekend, Penn State is up to #3 in the country and has a shot to end up in the National Title Game. Woo hoo! Go Big Ten!

5. Indianapolis Colts. If you're going to make a statement, why not make it against a top defense when your starting running back gets hurt after just two carries? Peyton shredded the overrated Ravens defense to the tune of 271 yards and 3 scores in a 31-3 Colts' win that ended up pretty much being a game of call your own score.

WHO SUCKED

1. Vikings. Wow, just wow. And not in a good way. A 13 point favorite at home against a team that is bottom five in the league in passing yards allowed, rushing yards allowed, and points allowed and you manage to come up with 12 points, 10 by the offense? And pretty much need to be bailed out by the refs to end up winning this game? Might was well forget about the playoffs at this point. Sure it’s a win, but this can’t be a proud day for that weirdo we saw at the Fridley Legion Saturday night wearing a Vikings hat, Vikings shirt, and Vikings pants. Yes, Vikings pants.

2. Patriots. I guess at least the Vikings won, unlike New England, who embarrassed themselves all over national TV against the Chargers last night, going down 30-10. I guess Tom Brady is pretty important to that team after all, especially since, with the exception of one long TD against Miami, Randy Moss has pretty much turned into Bobby Wade with Cassel running the show. Or maybe the problem last night was that Maroney was hurt? That's probably it.

3. Top 4 Ranked College Football Teams (Except Alabama). Now, as Snacks mentioned to me, some of these probably shouldn't be called "upsets", but three of the top four teams went down hard (insert your own joke) this weekend. #1 Oklahoma lost to Texas, #3 Missouri lost to Oklahoma State, and #4 LSU got beat by Florida. The only real upset here was the Mizzou loss, particularly being at home. Losing to Texas at a "neutral" site or losing at Florida is nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't really be considered at upset, but because college football's way to crown a national champion is so awesome, these teams are probably screwed now. I LOVE THE BCS!!!!!!11

4. Josh Beckett/Scott Kazmir. I was all excited to watch this big Kazmir/Beckett matchup on Saturday night, expecting a nice, tight, low scoring game, probably well under the post Over/Under of 8 runs. Instead I got Livan Hernandez vs. Carlos Silva. Kazmir "outdueled" Beckett, both not even getting out of the fifth, Kaz giving up five runs, Beckett eight. Beckett was pretty much the opposite of his big-time playoff pitcher reputation, getting absolutely smashed, while Kazmir, an excellent strikeout pitcher (led AL in K/9) suddenly turned into Nick Blackburn*, continually getting two strikes on guys and then letting them hit the ball very hard where there wasn't a fielder or sometimes even over the fence like that little weiner nerd Dustin Pedroia. Anyway they both sucked. And why the hell is the Tampa/Boston game at 3:30 today? Super irritating.

5. The DWG Jinx. I'm not exactly sure if this is awesome or sucks. Sometimes it happens to teams I actually like and/or talk up and it sucks, but to have this kind of power is pretty awesome. Last week, I mentioned Missouri, Vanderbilt, and the NFC East all as being awesome. Both Missouri and Vandy lost to inferior teams, while the Cowboys were upset by the Cardinals and the Skins gave the Rams their first win. Previous version of the Weekend Review talked up CC Sabathia who then got bombed in the playoffs, Scott Baker and the Twins who then lost to the White Sox, and East Carolina who were then upset by a crappy team to kill their BCS hopes. Now, I'm not saying this is all proof of a DWG Jinx or anything, but it's definitely something to keep an eye on. And let me just say, The Red Sox are totally awesome and will kick the crap out of everyone.


* comparison originally made by Snacks