Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Super Shark is Super Puke

Well I have nothing better to do with my time and the Tivo is busy Tivo-ing so I can't watch the Twins, so might as well dip once again into the well and see what all I have as far as giant aquatic creature movies.  Yes that's right, I'm once again going for the Live Movie Blog.  As I look, I have Super Shark and Sharktopus on this TV, and I don't feel like going downstairs or walking all the way to the DVD cabinet so it's going to be one of these two.  Super Shark is about a giant, prehistoric shark terrorizing a seaside town and stars the blonde Duke from Dukes of Hazzard who I think was Bo.  Sharktopus is about exactly what you think it is and stars Julia Roberts brother.  Both are off SyFy so possibility of nudity is nil in both cases.  I'm going with Super Shark, it at least sounds like it has a chance to not suck, right? right?

-  On IMDB this has a rating of 2.5/10.  For reference, Piranhaconda was a 2.9.  I'm fucked.

-  Interesting wrinkle in that we're starting the movie off with military guys guarding a beach with big-ass guns.  Usually that doesn't happen until later.  And there''s the shark.  Which just beached itself and isnot leaping about the sand like a god damn Super Mario Brother and roaring the entire time.  Yes, roaring the entire time while bouncing around the beach like the sand was a trampompolline.  And science-y looking chick says, "this isn't working" and then cut to credits.  So we've got:

1.  Shark roaring
2.  Shark on land and mobile
3.  A complete disregard for science
4.  Ignoring of the Jaws formula of "tease, hint, but don't reveal your monster until later in the movie"

And we're one minute in.  Great.

- week earlier.....there are some dudes on an oil derrick who broke through the earth's crust or something and caused an earthquake where the "Super Shark" came out of the ground and somehow caused an explosion and then leaped out the water and grabbed part of the thing and pulled it under water.  Yeah.  I'm going to go refreshen this rum and coke so it's way stronger.

-  Obligatory beach shot while credits run to music.  No gratuitous shots of female body parts.  This is rough.

-  There's your gratuitous bikini shot right there, and on a sluttier looking Ana Faris kind of chick too.  I dig.

-  Her dude or whatever is scuba diving and asked her to throw a net into the water for some reason so she did and it made the super shark roar and then turn around like it was all mad.  It's true, sharks hate nets that are thrown in the water for no reason.

-  This is the girl who has been walking around in a bikini for like, 7 minutes.  Well done SyFy, well done.
This is where 2.4 of that 2.5 rating come from
-  Suddenly the two-way radio between her and her dude goes nothing but static, so she unplugs it.  Brains are not her best feature.  I can't decide what is yet, but it's not brains.

-  And now she's dead because the shark jumped out of the air and landed on the boat.  Yep, I wish I was the kind of guy who could paint a picture with words because that was just shitty stupid.  And that's twice now this shark has jumped, and like 5-8 times if you include that opening scene.  I think the producer/director/writer of this watched Air Jaws a few too many times.

-  In this movie, Quint will be played by a hawaiian shirt wearing, cowboy hat wearing, swisher sweet smoking, fruity umbrella drink with a bendy straw drinking, sunglasses around the neck on a string having caricature of Jimmy Buffet.  Christ.

-  Science chick just told Buffet that he should take her to the site of the oil platform crash or whatever and gave him a bunch of money and he said it's off limits and she said "my badge says Oceanic Investigation Bureau, it'll get us past anyone."  That can't be a real thing, right?  Then on the boat ride out she takes off the fancy jacket and nice blouse so she can just sunbathe in a bikini.  Not that I'm arguing, but that can't be consider professional conduct by the Oceanic Investigation Bureau.  If she's not careful she's going to get a censure.

-  I'm 17 minutes into this movie.  17.  Shit.

-  FYI:  Josh Willingham is officially known as "Mrs. W's boyfriend" around our house.  Just thought ya'll should know.

-  Science chick is now telling Luke Duke that the area where that oil platform sank is loaded with chemicals.   Well no shit.  then she gets all hard-assy on him and he manages to somehow turn that into a dinner date.  Oh, I'm sure she doesn't think of it as a date, but once she has a couple glasses of wine and he turns on that duke boy charm her pants will be on the floor of the General Lee before she even realizes she's been roofied.

-  The shark roared again.

-  Ooh, there was a survivor of the oil rig accident.  Which honestly doesn't make a lick of sense because the whole thing blew up and was then pulled underwater by the most roaringest shark since Jaws 4.

-  Plus this guy (we'll call him Kobe because he looks like Kobe) actually saw the shark, which is also stupid because in that scene Kobe was down in bowels of station or whatever and then somehow apparently sprinted to the top where he saw the shark and then somehow survived when the whole top level exploded and also survived when it got pulled over.  He really is like Kobe, except he'd probably recognize the talent he has in the paint and work to get them involved in the offense.

-  Suddenly now there's a navy sub for some reason.  I know it's the Navy because the operators are all wearing the kind of NAVY hats you can buy at Walmart.

-  The shark is ramming the sub with it's head at it's side, kind of in a "I'd really like to get to know you biblically" kind of way.  Sexy.

-  Never mind it bit the sub in half instead.  Man, talk about a violent relationship.  This shark's got nothing on Dez Bryant, who, by the way, is a cornerstone in my rebuilding effort in our Fantasy Football keeper league. Ass.


-  This lady is a dummy.  She thinks this hyrdolizing thing caused the rocks around the base of the oil platform to crumble thus causing it to sink.  Stupid lady, we all know it was a shark.  Excuse me, a super shark.

-  Potassium Feldspar is used to make glass and ceramics.  Kaolinite is used in medicines and paper manufacturing.  Quartz is quartz.  Potassium Hydroxide is actually corrosive, but in a way where it's used in batteries and cuticle removers, but it's most common use is to make soap and biodiesel which I assume is some kind of fuel.  Hydrolysis is a real thing that means the breakdown of chemicals by the addition of water.  So in theory all of those words science lady used could happen, except for the part where it created something that basically melted rock.  Also known as, "the whole half-assed scientific theory this movie is based on."  Plus the shark roars.

-  By the way, congrats should go out to Snacks and Mrs. Snacks as they welcomed their first child, Baby Lukas, into the world late Monday evening.  Pretty cool stuff, though I would have gone with a "c".

-  Two life guard girls who have been in several scenes but have been too boring to mention are now at some karaoke bar with some dude that looks like that mean guy from the OC but isn't.  Also earlier that one lifeguard lady was like telling the other lifeguard lady how they'd have a big party for her birthday but now it's just the three of them and this is very sad.  But it turns out there's a bikini contest, so all is not lost.

-  This bikini contest is sad.  And a sad bikini contest is the saddest thing of all.

-  Oh snap!  The birthday girl life guard girl decided to join the contest and be brave and strip because of course she had her bikini on under her clothes and she was all happy until she turned and looked and saw OC guy and other lifeguard girl guy making out.  Sad.  Reminded me of when Screech saw Zack and Lisa making out before the fashion show at the Max.  Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

-  I wasn't paying attention and there was an Advil commercial that I thought was part of the movie.  I'm not sure if that says more about this movie or me but I'm a stupid free blogger and this is a movie that presumably cost 10s of thousands of dollars I assume.  Right?  100s?  I don't know.  How much does something like this cost?  And what can the profit margin possibly be?  Like 8 bucks?  I hope.

-  These lifeguards broads are arguing over that OC dude and then the one who didn't get the guy said I wish I was dead and then the shark ate her by jumping on the beach which is genius.  Then it ate her traitorous friend by jumping again and eating her.  The shark bouncing through sand is actually starting to win me over.  It's the stupidest thing ever other than Sex and the City but god damn at least they're consistent.  Something to be said for that I assume but I'm drunk so shut your mother.

-  The shark just ate somebody.  I don't know.  What am I, Kreskin?

-  Man, the Oceanic Bureau of Investigation sure does have a lax dresscode, because she's just out there and loving any minute of it.  and it worked because her and Jimmy Buffet guy just found he shark, AND IT'S CIRCLING THE BOAT!  The wake trailing behind the dorsal fin also looks like a child drew it with crayon.

-  Huh.  It seems that if you turn off your radio a giant prehistoric shark that is circling your boat for no real reason will leave.  Actually, now Investigator Boobsy explains that the shark was giving off it's own radio waves that were interfering with the boat's radio.  Yep, that's their explanation.

-  Bikini photo shoot on the beach.  I fear for these ladies lives.  But of course, the killer animal in this is a shark and they aren't actually in the water, so clearly they're safe.  Of course they're not safe you fool!  Did you forget we aren't dealing with some kind of regular old Tom Gugliotta of sharks, this is like, the kind of sharks!  The Kevin Durant or Rico Tucker of sharks!  And right on cue sharky boy jumps onto the beach and eats the photographer and both girls, but not before the blond one tries to beat it up by using a beach umbrella as a javelin or a jousting stick thing.  It didn't work.

-  Science lady, who it turns out is not an actual investigator with the ocean CSI or whatever but is in reality a hippie who hates people who drill for sweet, sweet oil, is now hammered at the bar because apparently she hates sharks or something.  I don't know.  I'd post a picture of the young lass but sadly I can't find a good one.  Or I'm struggling to use google properly.

-  Here comes the army or whatever to try to kill the shark before the big 4th of July festivities.  I was going to make a joke here but I got nothin'.

-  Speaking of gotting nothing, we went to a meat raffle tonight - me, TRE, Dr. Acula, Theory, and Lunny and TRE won twice (two $20 giftcards to a meat store), Theory won once (one giftcard), I won once (Six burgundy pepper marinated strip steaks), and Dr. Acula and Lunny were shutout in your face.  I don't have any idea if those steaks are good but I won and wanted steak and it was either that or kabobs and the kabobs had vegetables on them and I didn't go to a vegetable raffle.

-  Fake Dr. boobsy is winning me over.  Mostly with the cleavage.  Also winning me over?  When I logged into an online sportsbook I hadn't used in about a year and saw over $300 in there.  Sweet.  Can't wait to blow it.

-  We're back at the part with the army on the beach from before.  I bet you guys like, $80 the shark jumps on the beach and eats that tank and all that shit.

-  Bullets seem to only make super shark mad.  Also this looks like something my son could creaate with his toy shark and army men, plus a little ketchup.  Shark is actually walking on the beach on it's fins right now.  I might be drunk enough for this to be sweet.  Also, and this is quite the run-on post already, sharks hate fire.  Apparently.

-  Shark dude just jumped way the eff up in the air and took down Maverick and Goose.  Probably a deleted scene from Top Gun.

-  Best British Open Bets (to win):  Sergio 30-1, Poulter 40-1, Furyk 40-1, Johnson 40-1, Stricker 60-1.

-  Everyone is now listening to crazy fake ocean cop lady.  She, with no examination mind you, says the shark has too tough of skin to shoot and is completely neutralized and/or driven crazy by radio waves because it omits waves, also claims it flies because it jumps, can walk on it's fins, and was trapped in rock, but was still alive, and escaped after the hydrolizing agent was used by the oil companies.   And she delivers it so earnestly it's like she forgot what movie she is in.

-  Mayor guy or whoever doesn't really care except to say "Those beaches must be open for the fourth of July."  Pretty sure Jaws guy did this better.

-  And she's sexing Jimmy Buffet guy who is once again wearing a Hawaiian shirt.  This movie makes me hurt.

-  The army dudes are going with some kind of walking tank, while Jimmy Buffet and his lady are rocking some pretty serious speakers.  I will bet you $40 right now they end up doing something like cranking up the radio and it makes the sharks head explode.  $40.

-  That stupid tank thing misses the shark by like 90 feet every time it tries to shoot.  Stupid tank.

-  This.  This is.....just indescribable.  there are no words.  It's just jumping around on the beach like Misti May (who married shitty baseball player Matt Traynor, by the way).
This is what you get when you're a failed baseball player.

-  Fake science lady blew up the shark by throwing a boombox in it's mouth.  I think there was something about explosives in there too but I wasn't really paying attention because I was busy looking for pictures and doesn't it just seem right that throwing a boombox in the sharks mouth and like, turning it on or something would fit this movie well.  I think so, and that's how I choose to believe this ended.  Makes it easier when i think about how I spent my time watching this instead of gambling.

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