Thursday, January 12, 2012

Gophers vs. Hoosiers Live Blog

I'm not exactly certain why, but I'm going to live blog this game.  I'm a bit nervous because I fully expect that three-eighths of my body will be covered in vomit by the end of this and let's face it I'm not 28 anymore so that's not cool, but I'm going to do it anyway.  I had a work sponsored happy hour earlier and am now armed with five Coors Light silos and a giant vat of Mrs. W's delicious vinegar dill cucumbers so I'm feeling confident.  Confident I'll be done with this post in less than an hour, but I'm now committed so let's see I guess.

20:00 - Ahanmisi not in the starting lineup tonight.  It's like we've already won.

20:00 - I love how everyone is so confused about Tubby being 0-4 in conference and how it's a miracle.  It's not a miracle when you don't care.  It's like, it's not a miracle that I have no Wild pennants in my house.  It's just that hockey is for idiots and I don't give a crap.  Kind of like how I imagine Tubby feels about this job.

19:38 - Welch's slow feet commit a foul.  He's now officially slower than small white dudes.

19:34 - Rodney bringing the aggressive getting his own board off a miss and converting it into a 3-point play.  I'm feeling like it might be a Rodney night.  Not sure if Indiana really has anybody outside Oladipo who can handle him.

18:48 - Indiana attacking the paint early.  What a weird concept.  Speaking of such, what percentage of Mbakwe's shot attempts were off of offensive rebounds?  Gotta be like 80, no?

18:16 - 8 seconds on the shot clock and the Gophers hadn't crossed the 3-point line yet.  Austy Hollins takes it to the rack and gets a lay-up. MORE OF THIS MORE EARLIER PLZ!

17:40 - Coleman gets it in the paint and makes the lay-up.  7-4 Gophers.  What's will all this paint action?  I haven't seen anything like this since Bear and I were firing paintball guns out our windows at each other at 2am back in high school.  Ok, they were staple guns, but same thing.

16:58 - Zeller finds himself in a breakaway situation and Ralph chases him down and gives him a good hard, clean foul to prevent the lay-in.  The exact kind of foul he needed to throw Lewis Jackson's way against Purdue.  I don't know if I should be more frustrated or encouraged.  Maybe this is like when Zack learns he's native american and half-asses his assignment and the professor is all like "dude" and then he goes to talk to Chief Henry and gets all serious and is all like "I'm running Zack."  Now that I look at it, I'm not really sure how that relates but Saved by the Bell references are always a hit.

15:38 - Ralph scores in the paint to make it 11-8 Gophers.  Yes, in the paint.  I assume he got lost.

15:15 - #1 for Indiana isn't Jordan Hulls is it?  Cuz #1 is freaking terrible.

14:35 - Zellar lay-up, Ralph grabs it to throw it in to the guard guy, half-ass lobs it without paying any attention and Zeller steals it and scores again.  12-11 Indiana.  Time-out Gophers.  Uh oh, Rexy, I don't think this one has the distance.

13:17 - I should mention I'm watching this on tape delay on account of my stupid kids, and it's 9:02 right now and my phone just buzzed with a text.  I'm too scared to check it, seeing as this is about the time the game would have ended.  I know, I'm stupid.  But what if?

12:33 - Will Sheehey checks in.  I had no idea he was white. Kind of a Lew Ford moment for me here.

12:12 - Joe Coleman to the rack.  Blocked by Zellar, but at least he's got the stones to take it inside.  I dislike an awful lot about Coleman's game, but for a freshman there is a ton I like.  I can't wait to watch him not develop at all over the next 3+ years and/or transfer after year two.

11:44 - Christian Watford goes down with an apparent ankle injury.  Not to sound like a callous dick, but I hope he's out for the game.  Just the game, nothing serious or anything, just maybe take the night off.  You've had a good year, you deserve some rest.  Maybe bring a cheerleader or team booster back with you.  Crack open a nice bottle of wine and maybe eat some grapes or whatever.  Have a nice relaxing evening.

10:36 - Holy fuck.  Zellar just dream shaked Ralph resulting in an uncontested hammer dunk and I'm not sure Ralph's figured out where the ball is yet.  Wow.  Seriously that's gonna be a sportscenter thingy.  Which means the Gophers will show up on the plays of the day for the second time this year.  Huzzah!

9:45 - Chip for 3 (Gophers 19, Indiana 18).  guess how much room he had and how much time he took to take the shot:  wrong.  The answer is zero.

9:02 - Ahanmisi to the rack for a lay-up.  Where the shit was all this against Iowa and Purdue?  I swear to god if they win this game I'm going to be more pissed than happy.

8:02 - Wide open three for Indiana and he goes clang city.  Got to assume those will fall eventually.  Just like the 3 Maverick just hit to open up a 26-20 lead for the Gophers. Then Verdell Jones missed an open 8-foot jumper.  And just now as I'm typing Chip hits another three.  It's 29-20.  I hate this team for what they do to me.  I hate them so much.  I should be in bed right now.

7:04 - I forgot to pause it when I went upstairs to get a beer and it's 29-23 now.  That is all.

6:34 - Couple more text messages trickling in.  Perhaps this one is closer than I thought in the end.  No chance Gophers can win.  None.  God I hope I'm wrong I think.  I'm so tempted to read them.  What if they aren't even about basketball?  Maybe it's some hot chick texting me pictures of her boobs and I'm ignoring it?  I think I'll resist for now, but it's close.

6:04 - Fucking awful charge call.  And another text comes in.  Interesting.

5:21 - Indiana continues to clang open threes like a wrestling team an open gym.  If that continues and never mind because Jordan Hulls (who is indeed #1) just buried a 25 footer in Chip's face.  Nine point lead now down to one.  Waaah waah.

4:24 - Joe Coleman either lost an eye or a contact.  I'd write more but I was trying to fast-forward to half-time and this made me stop so I'm kind of annoyed.

3:52 - Fast forwarded to far.  Indiana now winning, mainly because the Hoosiers switched to a zone and the Gophers are all like oh my god I'm so confused until just now when Austy hits a 3 to give them back the lead so that was good.

3:01 - Rodney dunk.  Nice to see you again, sir.

1:49 - Watford's back and just missed a really stupid shot.  Keep it up.

0:12 - Oto, while the team has the shot clock off and is playing for one shot, puts up a three with 12 seconds left and airballs it.  Yikes.  There is so much wrong about that play I'd actually be a little bit stunned if he gets off the bench in the second half.

0:00 - Gophers lead 37-34 and my phone is absolutely blowing up (and I'm still ignoring it).  This is either going to be a heartbreaking loss or a heartbreaking win, if you know what I mean.  And if you don't you're stupid.

0:00 - Am I drunk or is that Gary Williams as part of the Big 10 Network half-time show?  Gary Williams?  The Maryland guy?  What the hell?  That doesn't even remotely make sense.  Maybe they should pull in John Chaney and Rollie Mossimino are available.

19:18 - Well this will shock you, but Julian Welch missed another lay-up (he did get fouled but it was one of those sissy fouls where you're supposed to make the shot).  If you take Welch and a 3rd grader and have them do a lay-up contest who wins?  Welch of course, but it's probably a little too close.

18:32 - Zeller gets it on the block against Sampson and for some reason goes for the fade-away jump hook instead of doing anything remotely aggressive - and misses.  Welch takes it to the rack and makes it on the other end and Gophers now lead 43-34.  The amount of rim attacking in this game has now convinced me that Tubby (well, probably whichever assistant he gets to do the actual gameplanning) reads this blog.  I'm definitely the only one who had that idea ever.

17:00 - Rodney misses a weird off-balance lay-up kind of thing badly and scarily, but he took it to the rim from the top of the key.  This is definitely a concerted effort by the Gophers to get to the rack.  Nicely done.  I try to get to the rack as often as possible as well.

16:42 - Verdell Jones just hit all backboard on a wide open 3-point attempt.  That kind of night so far for Indiana.  This is going to be crushing when the Gophers lose.

16:32 - Will Sheehey has a little bit of Punto to 'em.

15:51 - The announcers point out that Jordan Hulls hasn't played this half and wonder what his status is.  I'll tell you his status - he sucks.  Been a long time since I've been this unimpressed by somebody who was supposed to be awesome.  Jordan Hulls, the Dave Matthews of Indiana basketball.

14:30 - Zeller dream shakes Ralph again, less effectively but still makes the shot, then Oladipo steals the inbounds pass and gets fouled.  Misses both free throws.  I can't decide if this is an omen that it's the Gophers night or a sign that they're falling apart.

14:01 - Wow, Austin Hollins is having a hell of a game after taking it right at Zeller and making the lay-up to make it a 47-40 Gopher lead.  Must be rough for Lionel to have to watch his kid sit on the bench while his nephew lights it up.  And he just hit a real nice pull-up J to make it a NINE point Gopher lead.  I'm starting to think unthinkable things.  Can't wait to have my heart ripped out.

12:25 - Rodney lay-up.  51-40 Gophers.  I don't know who this team is that I'm watching.  All they do is attack the rim/paint.  It's a whole different team.

11:50 - Hey there's Hulls!  Watford just missed a jumper off a Hulls' pass.  Pretty sure it was Hulls fault.

10:54 - Coleman drives and draws the help in the paint so even thought he missed the shot nobody was there to block out Rodney for an easy tip in.  Gophers 53-45 (Indiana scored while I was typing).  I'm going to be honest here, if the Gophers lose this it's going to break my heart even though I thought they already broke it.  They're playing exactly how I want them to play (on offense) and Indiana is missing shots.  This has to be it.  It has to be.

9:22 - Moving pick called on Indiana (John Thompson would be so proud).  I happened while Hulls had the ball.  Pretty sure he fucked up and Watford was trying to fix it when he got called for the foul.

9:00 - Williams with a lay-up (again) and a made free throw for kicks.  They are just slaughtering Indiana in the paint which is exactly what they should do since Zeller is their only inside presence of note.  I have no idea who this team is.  It's like that movie where who you think somebody is isn't because they're someone else.  The Hot Chick.

8:43 - Look at these cucumbers.  You want these.  If you tasted these you would punch your wife or boyfriend in the face for not making them:

8:18 - Eliason just hit a 16-footer to make it 58-51 Gophers.  This was after like four straight Indiana points.  I repeat:  Eliason just hit a 16-foot jump shot.  Like, he made it.  This is not the Hoosiers night.  Until it is, of course.

8:00 - Jordan Hulls just missed a three.  He's 90% of the reason they're losing.  He's like a white Russ Archambeau who plays the whole game.  Also Julian Welch is really, really good when he gets in the lane not counting those times when he blew the game.  You know how Ralph is really a fancy pants nancy boy perimeter player in a 7-footer's body?  I think Welch is the opposite.  If they could swap bodies like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan in that movie or whoever else in those 4000 other movies based on that same basic premise I think everybody would be happy.  Plus they'd get to sleep with each other's girlfriends and wouldn't really be cheating. 

6:10 - Jordan Hulls just tried to take a dive on a lay-up to draw the charge, but it wasn't called and the gopher guy who I think was Chip missed the lay-up but because Hulls was on the floor the Gophers got the offensive rebound and scored.  Hulls, single-handedly ruining the Hoosiers' season.

4:11 - Trade Oto.

3:22 - Sampson misses a hook shot, naturally (did you notice that Sampson is almost an acronym for tampon?) but Coleman gets not one but two shots at a tip-in and makes the second to put the Gophers up 66-59.  They're up 7 with 3 minutes to go.  I'm semi-hyperventilating.

3:11 - Rodney just fouled out.  So that's pretty shitty.  I've always said this whole "foul limit" thing was pretty fascist.

2:42 - Not to hammer this point home too much like I was Sid Hartman or jesus's dad, but I have no idea what team I'm watching tonight.  Welch misses a lay-up (naturally) and Osenieks, filling in for Godney, gets not one but two chances at a tip-in, making the second one.  It's like they somehow get how close the season is to slipping away.  Maybe should've figured that out a game (or two) earlier, but this is the team I had been expecting to see this year.

Please don't blow this.

2:19 - Welch misses another lay-up which, and I'm not joking, makes four in the second half alone.  Serioulsy.  Remember that joke about how he'd beat third grader in a lay-up contest?  Not so sure he wins anymore.  This is an epidemic.  If they lose this that will make three games he's blown this year.  He's like the Jenna Jameson of basketball.  Because of the blows thing.  Get it?  Whatever shut up.  I'm semi-drunk and a little bit delirious.

1:42 - Sampson knocks down a 17 footer to make it 70-62 Gophers.  They can't blow this, right?  Right?

1:27 - Hulls misses a three.  What an anchor.  Terrance Simmons like.

0:50 - Mav misses a free throw but Colmean ends up grabbing the board.  Probably Hulls' fault.

0:40 - Gophers turn it over on the inbounds play giving Indiana a lay-up and the foul.  This is the kind of shit I don't need.  Gophers up 71-68.

0:39 - Indiana fouls and the announcers are debating whether they should have, which is stupid because if you don't foul you might not get the ball back until there are only 4 seconds left in the game.  Announcers are all dumb. All of them.  Might as well just let women do it.

0:30 - Coleman hits both FTs (I love you) then Indiana hits a three (not Jordan Hulls) to cut it to 73-71.  Blood pressure rising.

0:29 - Hulls fouls Coleman who makes both free throws.  That's on you, Hullsy.

0:17 - Zeller goes for the lay-up and Hollins's's fouls him.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Once he gets inside the three-point line just let him go.  Good god.  Talk to Uncle Lionel one of these days about making smart plays.

0:02 - Hollins makes two, Hulls passes to the wrong guy who misses, and Welch is at the line for two.  Make one and we're looking at ball game and a very serious how the hell did that happen situation.  Like when Pam Beasley got boobs all of a sudden.

0:01 - Did that mother fucker miss both?  Of course he did.  Jesus H christ Julian Welch makes Lebron look like Larry Bird with this clutch shit.  He needs to be nowhere near the court in the last 3 minutes of any close game.

0:00 - Gophers win, .  Perfect storm my friends.  Gophers finally learned they need to attack the basket the same night Indiana stopped making jump shots.  Not taking anything away from it, it was a great win for the home town team and a great feather in their cap, but I don't think we can start talking NCAA Tournament yet because they dug themselves such a huge hole, but wow.  Just wow.  I didn't remotely see this coming.  If they play like this the rest of the way they can win a ton of games.  Don't forget Indiana beat both Kentucky and Ohio State in this same building.  I think I'll have more thoughts later or next week or tomorrow or something, need some time to fully process this.  I can't remember being this stunned.  They led this game pretty much wire-to-wire.  Obviously they need to do a whole hell of a lot more, but this win saved the season.

I'm gonna go to bed.  Joe Coleman is my hero.

Also suck it Sidler.

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