Thursday, August 25, 2011

Life. Soul. Crushed.

Do you have any idea how hard it is keep writing this stupid blog when the Twins are this uselessly useless?  God every time I sit and think, "I really need to write something" I then get this nearly uncontrollable urge to stab my own eyeball with this pen (NOTE:  the god damn pen is blue).  They just drain your life force like a Dememtor or Myrddraal or Shade or Ring Wraith or Wight, depending on your nerdery of choice.  It's like they can't even lose with dignity.  Danny Valencia is doing his Roger Dorn over at third, and Joe Mauer just missed consecutive games with "general soreness."  General soreness?  I guess it doesn't matter since they aren't going anywhere anyway but isn't that the biggest bunch of whiny crap you've ever heard?  And yes, I know he's played in 9 consecutive games on 9 consecutive days up until last night and probably deserved a night off, but two games?  Two!  Shouldn't he have a specific injury then rather than "general soreness?"  And I think there was a Garbage Pail Kid by that name.  

Really though, what exactly is fun to watch right now?  Usually when your team is crappy you can at least get enjoyment over watching some young guys and trying to figure out if they're going to end up being useful, but outside of Ben Revere who exactly fits that paradigm here?  Danny Valencia I guess if you haven't bailed on him already.  Anthony Swarzak maybe to see if he has any future as a starter.  Plouffe I suppose to see if he will every be more than a utility guy and/or what position he might be able to stick at.  That's it, right?  After seeing Liriano leave today after 2 innings I've lost all interest in him and his ballooning like Shawn Kemp during the strike ERA.  The only other starter who is remotely interesting is Scott Baker, but this is the 30th year in a row he's been interesting and he has yet to step up and out of that.  I feel like the dude who's been in the friend zone with some hot chick for years and is just waiting for things to change.  But things won't ever change because Baker just wants to talk to me about his feelings and the other boys he likes and won't ever even give me so much as a handy in the back of the movie theater.  Well I'm done with it.  Starting now.

And let's not even get started on the lineup, because I don't know if you can even pick anybody who can be built around.  I mean really who?  The only candidates are Mauer, Morneau, and Span.  Those are your only potential all-stars who aren't old on this entire team.  Valencia's upside is as an average 3b and I suppose it's possible Revere might make an all-star team if he has a half season where everything is falling and hits .330 in the first half, although if that ever happened he'd be guaranteed to hit about .230 in the second half, but he's not a building block, he's nice filler.  The only real candidates are Captain I'm Sore and Tired, My head hurts, and my head hurts II.  These guys are hurt more often than your wife's feelings and miss more time than that ole alcoholic who I used to work with at this convenient store who smoked GPC non-filtered (literally the cheapest thing allowable by law) and eventually took off for Georgia with a register full of cash and lung cancer. 

Seriously.  It breaks my heart but Kubel is basically gone, because if they do sign one of the free agent outfielders they'll sign Cuddyer because people like his stupid fat face and think he's a big chemistry guy when in reality you only think that because he can't throw himself in front of a camera fast enough every time he sees one like he was Anthony Michael Hall trying to stay relevant.  I don't care how many barbecues he throws or how often he helps guys paint their fences, Kubel is a better hitter and is the one they should keep, but he's gone.  Everyone involved in the middle infield is garbage, so what are we left with?

We have Revere to root for, Plouffe to root for, and I think you can still root for Joe Nathan because I like him, he's fighting to return to form after an injury, and Matt Capps taught me that it's not true that Nathan has the worst closer music in the league. 

Honestly, those of you who are still tuning in every night I salute and pity and ridicule you in equal parts.  I try, I really do, but these days it usually takes abut three innings before watching Pretty Little Liars suddenly looks good.  I'm sure eventually I'll be able to rationally looking at things and type what they probably should do for next year, but today is not that day and tomorrow isn't either because it's Friday and then Saturday I have a fantasy draft and Sunday is softball so I just don't know.

In conclusion, the end of Jurassic Park III is the worst ending of any movie other than Jaws 4 ever.


Dawg said...

The Twins need Cuddy because they can't rely on My Head Hurts 1 and when they get rid of Capps this year Cuddy will also probably be one of the set up guys next year. Probably 8th inning since the wheels have completely come off the Perkins wagon. Its like the time in Denver when Bogart shot a 47 on the front nine and 67 on the back nine. Bogart would probably like to chalk up his choking to the beer or high altitude but I think it was just him showing his true colors.

The Todd said...

I found some porn featuring Czech ladies. They are so HOT and will do anything. You should watch that instead. I'm done with MN sports.

Anonymous said...

at least they'll get a high draft pick. Oh, and in megashark vs crocasuarus that shark jumping over the naval ship is one the worst special effect ever! outside of plan 9 from outerspace that is.

John R said...

LOL i love that the only label for this post was GOOD GOD THE TWINS SUCK. i was typing that over and over in microsoft word a la dwightdwightdwightdwightdwight and then accidentally typed it in my interweb search bar. it brought me to this terrifyingly accurate blog post. good. god. the. twins. suck.

SSF said...

I am a Czech lady Todd....and yes I will do anything. Hopefully, you didn't get ahold of some of me and Dawgers home videos.....:/

Anonymous said...

Tell us how your fantasy draft went. Word on the street is your team is brutal.


Kate J said...

I've been a Twins season ticket holder for several years. I also paid attention to the team in the mid-late 90s. I blew off exams in college to race to the metrodome for a completely worthless game against the completely worthless Kansas City Royals.

I haven't been to a Twins game (barring this past Sunday when I took a kid to get a lunchbag giveaway that I promised to do at the beginning of the season) since my birthday / bobblehead giveaway campout extravaganza on August 5th. I don't even have the energy to post the tickets on StubHub, haven't offered them to to anyone as gifts, haven't offered to pay someone else to use them--in fact, I plan to use the remainder of the tickets to get the charcoal going in the grill for my weekend BBQ.

I can't take it.