World Series Game 1

Man I love the stupid World Series.  Even when it's Texas vs. St. Louis and I can't even decide who I'm rooting for until I put money down on Texas.  I watched the top of the first while folding clothes and drinking a Hamm's and saw Texas kill its early momentum by being too obsessed with running.  Seriously, McCarver and buck suck and are prone to hyperbole, but Yadier Molina really is that good when it comes to throwing out base-runners so here's a tip - don't freaking run on him.  I mean jesus christ Ron Washington, you were on the Oakland A's staff in the salad days of moneyball, did you learn nothing?  I guess that's why you never trust a crackhead manager.

7:17 - Furcal walks to start things up for St. Louis.  Tonights' action:  Rangers to win, over 7.5 total runs, David Freese no RBI, Adrian Beltre YES Hit, Nelson Cruz YES to strikeout, Mike Napoli to have more total bases than Yadier Molina, and Furcal no RBI.  They all matter, but that Furcal no RBI is a monster wager.  We need that one.

7:19 - I think Tim McCarver is watching a completely different game than everybody else.  It's either that or he's completely insane.

7:24 - Michael Young weakly grounds to 2nd and I'm reminded that I hate him.  Throughout the ALDS, which was not a bastion of profit, whatever I bet he did the opposite.  Bet on him to K before he gets a hit, he gets a hit in the first inning.  Bet on him to get a hit, and he goes 0-4.  I think I was like 1-5 wagering on him.  I hope he dies.

7:25 - Base knock for Beltre, a double down the line.  I always like winning those bets on the guys first time up.  Now maybe Nelson could whiff here for me.

7:27 - Joe Buck just said, "It's now 2-1 to a guy who is 31."  What kind of weird ass sentence is that?  What's next, "Here comes the pitch from a guy who really, really digs pine nuts in his salad."

7:28 - Cruz apparently didn't wear his chasing pants tonight because Cruz walks after completely refusing to chase Carpenter's slider which he threw low and away four times.  I'm pretty sure Cuddyer took a swing at his TV there at least twice.

7:30 - That's the second time Carpenter's thrown one in the dirt and yelled "God damn it" loud enough for the camera mics to pick it up.  Pretty sure little Joey Buck's ears are bleeding.  Also DP by Napoli.

7:36 - Lance Berkman, fourth all-time in home runs amongst switch hitters.  That seems odd for some reason.  FUN FACT:  Former Twin Chili Davis is fifth and former Twin Ruben Sierra is 8th, and right up until this very minute of my life I had completely forgotten Sierra played for the Twins.

7:41 - FUN FACT #2 - Roy Smalley holds five of the top 10 HR hitting seasons by a switch-hitter in Twins history.  Of course, it's not a very distinguished list considering Bobby Kielty is in 6th place and Cris Guzman is top 10, but still.

7:45 - Uneventful inning.  But that reminds me that you wanted to know why I was drinking Hamm's.  It's because the local liquor store had it on sale for $11.99 for the 30-pack.  How could I not buy it?  I mean, it's from the land of sky blue waters (waters).  And I have to admit, it is the beer refreshing.

7:47 - What a quaint little story by McCarver.  Turns out C.J. Wilson, get this, even though he's a pitcher, you're not going to believe it, but he considers himself a hitter.  OMG that's so crazy!  He's such a unique snowflake with his California surfer attitude and his really unique necklace that every god damn pitcher in the league wears.

7:53 - Nick freaking Punto with a base hit to lead off the bottom of the third.  Not only is this annoying because he's Nick Punto, but it sets up a sac bunt by Carpenter and then Furcal can get an RBI with a hit AND THAT CAN'T HAPPEN.  Also I'm pretty sure Punto slid into first even though he lined it into center.  They didn't show or anything, but I can just feel it.

God Damn that Punto gives me a boner

7:55 - Carpenter strikes out, which is good.  Still need no extra base hit from Furcal here.  Or maybe an xbh but then Punto slides head first into third instead of scoring.  Because he's so gritty, you see.

7:57 - Furcal whiffs on a pitch that barely crossed the plate in the air and was missed by at least 2 feet.  Now that reminded me of Twins baseball.

8:04 - Tim McCarver is interviewing Ron Washington.  This is like Richard Dawkins interviewing Stephen Hawking, only the exact opposite.

8:06 - Another 1-2-3 inning.  Glad Snacks convinced me to take the over. 

8:13 - Punto hit by a pitch, Holliday double, and Berkman scores them both home by not being able to catch up to a pitch and fisting it into right.  It counts, I know, it's just blah.  I remember the last time these guys were in the Series (I think) and the Tigers should have smoked 'em but they have some kind of jedi mind shit over teams.  It's happening again.

8:14 - I just realized I typed Punto when I meant Pujols.  HE'S IN MY HEAD, MAN!!!

8:18 - With Berkman on 2nd and 2 outs they intentionally walk Punto, and yes this time it is Punto, and that has got to be the first time that's ever happened.  Checking Baseball Reference, and Punto has actually been intentionally walked 9 times in his career (3 this year, 1 with the phils, and 5 with the Twins).  How could he possibly have been IBB'd as a Twin?  Gotta be interleague, right?  I mean it has to be.  I need to figure this out.

8:26 - Carpenter strikes out Cruz with Beltre on 2nd.  The important thing is that that's another bet won.

8:28 - Napoli with a monster shot to right to make it a 2-2 game.  That also gives him a 4-0 advantage in total bases over Molina.

8:30 - This infrared shit might be literally the gayest thing I've ever seen.  McCarver, "This is weird to me, I don't know how you do that."  With infrared cameras you dumb fucking hick.  I swear to god I'm going to find out where he lives and stab him in the tongue with a crocodile.

8:31 - "That camera reminds me of The Thing."  - Tim McCarver.  I'm 99.9% sure he means Predator.  It seems weird to hate someone you've never even met and who is mostly harmless, and yet here we are.

8:38 - A Furcal walk (with no RBI) and then a sac bunt and we have a fast runner on 2nd, representing the go-ahead run, with one out and Albert Pujols up.  Looks like this is where we find out just how valuable he really is oh wait no I guess we don't because they're walking him.  Damn it I wanted to see this.  Now I'm going to have to watch Matt Holliday ground into a double play.

8:39 - McCarver, "Pitchers really struggle to pitch around batters because they're trained to throw strikes and when you ask them not to they can't make that adjustment."  I'm now thinking some kind of garrotte.  Or maybe just C.J. Wilson's cool hip California style necklace.

8:41 - I love it when I call things.  Double play for Holliday.  And that shit rhymes, homeslice.

8:44 - Kinsler with a nice texas leaguer into right for a knock to lead off the sixth.  Hopefully the Rangers don't do any kind of running here.  I could accept a sac bunt from Andrus, if need be.

8:46 - Sac bunt down, now time to see if Hamilton can be a hero or if he's really just a fan murderer.  McCarver, "This is a really evenly matched World Series."  Well, Tim, actually the Rangers are fairly heavy favorite and would likely be almost 1-2 to win if they had home field advantage, so once again you're wrong.  I'm not entirely certain McCarver could outwit a briefcase full of crackers.

The battle of wits has begun

8:48 - McCarver:  "as a pitcher you have to have complete confidence in your catcher where you can throw the ball in the dirt with a runner on third."  He said this after a pitch that was at the batter's knees.  Also no run scored. 

8:56 - Freese with a double with one out (which is fine because there was nobody on base).  With Molina up followed by Punto and pitcher why not just walk Molina?  Punto is terrible and since he already has a hit tonight you know he can't possibly get another one, then the pitcher in which case you force the Cards to pinch hit and get Carpenter out of the game.  Win win win.

8:58 - Wild pitch moves Freese to third.  Looks like Wilson can't trust Napoli.  Probably because he's Sicilian.  I kind of wish I hadn't used my Vezzini picture already.

9:00 - Wilson whiffs Molina on a huge, huge pitch.  All he had to do was put that ball in play and St. Louis takes the lead, instead there are 2 outs and it's up to Nick Punto to get the runner home.  Watch, that little dick is going to get a hit now too, just to eff with me.

9:03 - They walk Punto non-intentionally but intentionally to get Carpenter out of the game.  Makes sense, but now you're facing a legit major league hitter when you could have faced Punto, one of the worst hitters in the history of the game.  Tecas countering with Ogando.  Good move here.  Good game for Wilson, but it's time go get the Ogandonator in there.  I just made that up.

9:08 - And THAT's why you pitch to a shitty hitter like Punto when you have a chance.  Craig, the pinch-hitter for Carpenter, singles to right to score the go-ahead run.

9:09 - Oh shit that means Furcal is up with a runner on third.  God please just bean him or something.

9:11 -  Furcal hits the shit out of it but thankfully he's a little noodle-armed weiner and it dies at the warning track.  I'm not going to lie to you, I'm pretty sure I just made some pants chocolate.

9:12 - These Chili-Lime almonds are really the cat's pajamas.

9:15 - I wonder if this Fernando Salas character is at all related to former Twin Mark Salas.  I kind of doubt it because he's not a big fat pile of goo.  Still, I'll always have a soft spot in my hard for Mark Salas because his was the first autograph I ever got.  It looked like M-scribble S-scribble, but it's a nice memory.  Not like that fuckface Jeff Reardon.

9:20 - I stopped paying attention for a minute but now the Rangers have 2 on and 1 out and Mark Salas is out and the guy with the weird polish name is in.

9:26 - Polish guy strikes out Dennis Nedry in a huge spot, which once again validates the Colby Rasmus trade because polish guy was one of a couple of relievers they picked up.  Rangers have one more shot, but they're pinch hitting with Esteban German so they might as well not have pinch hit.

9:29 - Polish guy whiffs German, which is no surprise.  Slightly more surprising is after that when McCarver says, "It's a five-letter word, S-T-R-I-K-E."  Now, the fact that it's a six letter word isn't even the least bit surprising at this point because it seems like exactly the kind of thing McCarver would say.  Better, though, is that he never follows up on it.  That's his entire point.  He says nothing else, there's awkward silence, and then we cut to some army dude singing.  So bizarre.  I assume twitter must be blowing up about this.  I'd check it, but I'm about 20 minutes behind due to tape delay so I don't want to spoil anything.

9:34 - McCarver, "By the way, I figured out between innings that strike has six letters, not five."  I'll give it to him, I never expected a classic doucher like McCarver to admit his own error.

9:43 - No runs scored, and we go to the 8th.  I seem to be getting a bit sleepy.  Damn Hamm's.

9:45 - So I went to the Gopher tip-off deal last Friday night with Wonderbaby^TM, and it really didn't go all that well.  They started late, I assume because the autograph part of it went long, the intros took forever since they introduced like 30 alumni who were there, and then they ended up skipping the skills competiton for current players (although we did get to see Abdul-Shamala and Brent Lawson win for the alumni).  Then they went to the halfcourt shot thing, which was really stupid because nobody made one so it was really boring.  Then my lovely daughter had finished her popcorn and mello yello and was pretty bored because "nobody's even playing, daddy" and it was almost 2 hours past her bedtime so we left.  Which means other than the half-court shot I didn't see any current players do anything outside of warmup.  Still kind of excited for the year though.  I'm kinda dumb that way.

9:53 - no runs again, despite the Rangers getting a shot at the world's oldest lefty Arthur Lee Rhodes.  We go bottom 8, still 3-2 National League.

9:57 - I miss Derek Holland's mustache.

9:58 - Berkman with an infield hit to open the bottom of the 8th, which seems weird when you think about how he's 800 years old and kind of fat.  The good part of this is, by the way, is that it seems David Freese is out of the lineup and I didn't even know it.  His replacement tosses down a nice sac bunt, setting things up for Molina, Punto, and pitcher's spot.  A true murderer's row.  Although compared to Repko, Butera, Tolbert......I'm just sayin'.

10:01 - IT'S ALL UP TO PUNTO

10:03 - There's not a lot of meat in these gym mats. 

10:04 - Punto whiffs.  I laugh.

10:07 - Looks like Jason Motte is the closer tonight.  I can't keep up.  I do know that I don't like him because I took him like 2-3 years ago late in a fantasy baseball draft because a friend of mine told me he was a "great sleeper" because nobody really knew him and he was assured to win the closer role.  Which he did, but then he pitched as if he was throwing BP and lost the job and my heart.

10:09 - Tim McCarver is definitely retarded.

10:12 - they get all the outs and the Cardinals win.  This game got kind of boring.  Needed more Punto.

NCAA Basketball Preview - SEC

While the Pac-10 has been down and gotten most of the press/talk about being the worst major conference in college ball lately, the SEC hasn't been far behind.  It's less notable because of Kentucky and Florida's success, but some of the traditional power teams have been way down, specifically LSU and Arkansas.


Things seem to be looking up however, with Vanderbilt looking very strong (they'd probably be ranked first in any other conference outside this and the ACC), Alabama looking strong, and LSU looking to be improved this year.  Also I'm really just writing this to push the pictures down so they aren't "above the fold" because somebody once requested I do that because otherwise they pull up my blog at work and BAM hot chick right in front.  So that's why I'm still typing. 

1.  KENTUCKY WILDCATS.  If you're sick of John Calipari and Kentucky, this isn't the year for you because this might be slimey Cal's best team ever.  He got a break with Terrence Jones and Doron Lamb opting to stay in school and brings in the #1 recruiting class in the country and maybe the best of his career with PF Anthony Davis (#2), SF Mike Gilchrist (#3), PG Marquis Teague (#5), and PF Kyle Wiltjer (#22).  Just those six together with filler would be a top 10 team, but Kentucky still has .  Is this the year Calipari finally puts it all together and walks away with the National Title?  Good god, I hope not.  That slime ball and Kentucky hoops in general can go to hell.

2.  VANDERBILT COMMODORES.  Vandy has a big chance to be really, really good this year.  Unfortunately they were really, really good last year too and still got bounced by Richmond in the first round - not unlike the previous year when they got bounced in the first by Murray State.  If they're going to make a run anytime soon this is the year to do it - they've got all five starters back and nine of their top ten scorers.  John Jenkins might be the best shooter in the league and has surpassed Jeffrey Taylor as the best player on this team - and Taylor still has a shot to be All-SEC First Team.  Their point guard led the SEC in assists, which makes sense giving those two guys he's dishing to, and they have a couple very solid post men including the sweet named Festus Ezeli.  They also bring in a good class highlighted by Dai-Jon Parker, one of the best recruits in Vandy history.  Seriously, they're loaded.  If they can't make a run with this group they might as well disband the hoops program and become the full-time nerd school they're destined to become.

3.  FLORIDA GATORS.  The good news is that the Gators are absolutely loaded at guard, and you need guards to win.  They return Erving Walker and Kenny Boynton, who were their top 2 scorers last year and add Rutgers transfer Mike Rosario, who led his team in scoring 2 years ago and was a big time recruit as a freshman, and freshman Bradley Beal, the #4 recruit in the nation.  So yeah, they're set in the back court.  The front court, however, is a big question mark because all three starters are gone.  Patric Young is still here, and he was a highly regarded center a year ago and played well as a back-up last season.  If they can figure out what to do with their big men or make a 3/4 guard offense work they are going to be a very, very dangerous team in March.

4.  ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE.  Essentially the inverse of Florida, the Tide are loaded in the paint but
 have serious question marks on the perimeter.  JaMychal Green might be the best interior player in the conference, and he returns as the #2 returning scorer among perimeter players and the #2 returning rebounder in the conference (both behind UK's Terrence Jones), and the man who'll be starting right next to him, Tony Mitchell, is #3 and #4.  On the perimeter there's talent, if not experience.  Travis Releford, the team's third leading scorer last year, is back and a couple of newcomers are top 30 recruits in Trevor Lacey and Levi Randolph.  Actually, now that I'm writing this I want to swap Bama and Florida here, but then my first sentence doesn't make any sense and I'd have to redo the whole thing.   

5.  MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS.  The Bulldogs will go as far as Renardo Sidney and Dee Bost's heads will take them.  Neither was the team's leading scorer last year (that was Ravern Johnson who is gone) but it's hard to argue they aren't the two most talented players.  Of course, Sidney is overweight, disappears and floats through games at times, and got in a well-publicized fight with a teammate last season, not to mention the mess of trouble he went through with the NCAA.  Bost missed the first 14 games last year after not withdrawing from the NBA draft in time and not keeping his academics in order.  All the NCAA trouble should be behind them, but Sidney is the type of guy who could score 30 and grab 15 boards in a game or just as easily score in single-figures and grab just a couple boards.  Not to mention that he gives the impression he's a bit of a ticking time bomb who could do something that would get him suspended again.  Awfully fun to watch though.

6.  LSU TIGERS.  It hasn't really felt right the last two season's with LSU at the bottom of the SEC, but things should be looking up this year.  Their top four scorers are back and they add in their first McDonald's All-American since 2005 in Johnny O'Bryant, a center who Rivals ranks as the 4th best at his position amongst all freshmen (#46 overall).  And what a nice coincidence, center is exactly what LSU needed most.  The perimeter is manned by sophomores Andre Stringer and Ralston Turner who were both top 150 recruits last year and both had successful first seasons, with Storm Warren (team's best rebounder) and Iowa State transfer Justin Hamilton joining O'Bryant on the inside (I didn't know players actually transferred OUT of Ames).  LSU won't be a great team and likely won't challenge for an NCAA Tournament bid, but they'll at least get themselves out of the cellar and moving in the right direction.

7.  ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS.  Despite bringing in what Rivals ranks as the #11 class in the country, John Pelphrey was fired after another subpar season by Arkansas.  Luckily new coach Mike Anderson was able to hold on to the class, and that's doubly good because leading scorer, noted sharpshooter, and horribly named Rotnei Clarke (who is white, fyi) transferred after the switch and third-leading scorer and leading rebounder Delvon Johnson has graduated.  It's basically going to be Marshawn Powell with a whole bunch of unproven guys, both older and the newcomers.  The two new guards (B.J. Young and Ky Madden) can both play either guard spot and were both top 30 type recruits, so they should thrive under Anderson.  Should be fun to watch, either way.

8.  TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS.  I don't really like living in a world where Tennessee isn't a top tier SEC basketball team, but after Bruce Pearl tried to single-handedly destroy the program that looks like where we sit with five of the team's top six scorers from last year gone and one of their top recruits opted out and signed on with Louisville instead.  The lone big-time returner is guard Cameron Tatum who has been a bit of a disappointment thus far in his career, averaging around 7.5 points per game.  He's always been a 3rd or 4th option, but will have a chance to be the man this year.  There's plenty of other talent (why wouldn't there be since Pearl was a cheater) if not experience, with freshmen PG Chris Jones and SG Josh Richardson, sophomore SGs Jordan McRae and Trae Golden, junior center Kenny Hall and SF Jeronne Maymon, and senior PF Renaldo Woolridge all former top 100 recruits.  So really, these guys could finish anywhere from 4th to 12th and it wouldn't be a surprise.  With a good new coach in Cuonzo Martin I'm guessing they'll be ok.

 9.  OLE MISS REBELS.  The last four years had to be a bit disappointing for the Rebels (assuming anybody there cares about something besides football) because they had Chris Warren (not the RB) one of the best players in Ole Miss history and all they could muster was a couple of NIT Final Fours without a single NCAA berth.  Now Warren is gone along with his back court mate Zach Graham and they're combined 34 points, 7 rebounds, and 6 assists per game with them.  As you can imagine, this leaves a fairly gaping hole.  The good news is that Jelan Kendrick, formerly of the Memphis Tigers and was ranked the #15 best recruit in the country in 2010, is on board and becomes eligible after the first semester - he will immediately become Ole Miss's best player.  Assuming he manages to stay on the team (read this for a quick synopsis of this dude's mental issues) he and fellow NBA prospect Terrance Henry should at least keep Ole Miss competitive.

10.  AUBURN TIGERS.  Auburn was completely awful last season with losses to teams like Presbyterian, Asheville, Samford, Jacksonville, and Campbell and their leading scorer and rebounder from last season transferred to Missouri, but there isn't a complete lack of hope for the Tigers.  Kenny Gabriel is a double-figure scorer who is back, point guard Frankie Sullivan is returning from a season ending knee injury last year, while a couple of transfers (Varez Ward from Texas and Noel Johnson from Clemson) will likely immediately jump into the starting lineup.  They also add 6-10 center Willy Kouassi, the #66 freshman in the country and SG Cedrick McAfee (#145), so although they won't be in contention for an NCAA bid any time soon, at least there's a little bit of reason for hope.

11.  GEORGIA BULLDOGS.  No team was hit harder by early NBA entries than Georgia with Trey Thompkins and Travis Leslie taking off.  All those two were responsible for last season was 45% of the team's points, 44% of their rebounds, 30% of their assists, 38% of their steals, and 46% of their blocks, and took 42% of the team's shots.  So yes, there are some big shoes to fill here.  They do have 3rd leading scorer and starting PG Gerald Robinson back, so that will help, and stud recruit Kentavious Caldwell-Pope (#12 overall) will probably immediately start next to him, but besides Thompkins in the paint they also have to try to replace their top 2 other post men, and there's just nobody here to do it.

12.  SOUTH CAROLINA GAME COCKS.  So this team won 5 SEC games last year.  Their best player, Bruce Ellington, decided to play football and, although he is supposed to rejoin the team it won't happen until after football season and South Carolina is probably heading to a bowl.  Their second best player graduated, and their third best player decided to transfer to LaSalle who is terrible.  I'd say things are not looking super great.  You know how it seems like the Cocks either beat or put a scare into somebody good at home every year?  Yeah, don't expect that this year.  As the Gin Blossoms once said, "Don't expect too much from me and you might not be let down."


Other previews:
Big 12
ACC
Atlantic 10
Pac 12

Saturday Night Live

So I'm sitting here at my parents house with the Bear watching both the Gopher hockey match and the playoff baseball.  My kids are asleep and I'm over here because the Mrs. has a fever of 101 so I had to get the kids out of that Outbreak environment.  We just housed some awesome chili that I made using no recipe and just using what I could find around my parents' house - and it was brililant.  Drinking a couple Coronoas sans lime, and I figured, what the hey, might as well try to find the ole mojo and live blog this bitch, amiright?

-  Scores update - Texas up 3-2 and threatening to blow the game open, Gophers also up 3-2 and I don't know if they're threatening to blow that one out because my understanding of hockey comes from NHL 95.

-  Scherzer walks Napoli on a 3-2 count which sucks because I have Napoli to strikeout in this game.  Scherzer is a dick.

-  Look at this douchebag right here.

-  I'm told the Gopher hockey team looks like they're much better this year and the reason is because they brought back Mike Gentzell, because without him all the coaches were nancy boy feelings coaches who told the players "don't worry, it's ok buddy, get 'em next time" when they screwed up.  But this Gensall guy is more of the Bud Kilmer type who will kick your ass if you're reading Slaughterhouse Five instead of your playbook, even if it's an awesome book.  So anyway the Gophers should be a tougher team this year which I suppose should mean they'll be better and also I have no idea what their record is.  Oh, and for the record, I've heard our hockey guy, Black Snake, hates that Gentzell guy.

-  Some mongolian looking lefty just served up a nice meatball to whoever the Murphy is who plays for Texas and it's now looking like I might have to watch hockey the rest of the night.  At least the Gophers are on the power play right now.  That's the only part of hockey that makes any sense to me - pass it around and get a good shot.  The rest of hockey is just a confusing blur.  Can we get that glowing puck thinger back?

-  GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

-  Pretty sure it was the Gophers.

-  Confirmed.

-  You ever do that thing where you switch the first letter/sound of a guys first name and last name that PA now does even though me, Snacks, 2P, and Bear invented in when we were growing up?  What's your favorite:  Bitch Recker or Fuck Chinley?

-  Delmon boots a routine groundball in left, then, even though the boot means the play at home is now not a possibility, he throws it completely over the cut-off man so Kinsler can get to second and take the double-play chance away.  Looked so familiar.

-  It's now 9-2.  I think I'm going to have to watch hockey.  And the Wild is on, and there's a game on the NHL network and then there's a late game on the NHL network.  This is my own personal hell.

-  Nice 'stache Holland.  He must have lost a bet.  That has to be it, right?  Nobody would voluntarily grow something like that, right?

Oh, hello Derek Holland.  I think your mustache looks smashing.

-  Oh, hello Fox Sports North Girls Paige and Jenny.  'Sup?  I have a Protege with a spoiler if you want to see it some time.

-  You know, I have no real problem with the Rangers as long as they aren't killing their own fans, but can we cut the crap with this "loosey goosey fun loving bunch" shit?  That's the same thing everybody would be saying about the Red Sox, but they didn't make the playoffs so instead they fire the best manager and GM they've ever had.  Enough already.

-  Beer isn't working, just impacting on the surface, switching to vodka.  That was a weird mix of a Top Gun quote and a Star Wars quote, but by the time I realized I was mixing them up, like poor Porkins, it was too late to pull out.

-  MAVIS BEACON reference!!

-  Story from the Bear, "So I have this bike, and I don't know what brand it is or whatever but the model name is the Sorrento.  So I took a piece of tape and wrote Paul on it and put it in front of the model name."  I don't know what's worse, that he's 34 years old or that I can't stop laughing.

-  Gopher power play coming up.  The most beautiful thing in all of hockey besides Paige and Jenny or whatever there names were.

-  GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

-  We've now found some shitty wrestling on the CW.  I cannot believe I used to watch this crap, even as a kid.  At least I had the decency to grow out of it.  If you are over 15 years old and you watch wrestling just go ahead and remove your own eyes with a bucket of acid.

-  Wrestling announcer guy just compared this wrestler guy to Deion Sanders.  Probably because he's black.  Yes we're still watching.  Missed a UMD goal in there somewhere but it's worth the tradeoff to me.

-  Ring of Honor camerawork is just terrible.  There's a lot of crazy shit happening outside the ring between the tag-team guys who aren't in the ring and we're missing all of it.  Looks like someone didn't get the script.

-  The team in the black pajamas beat the team in the purple booty shorts using the small package move after a kick in the junk - double entendres galore.

-  The ref is asking the winning team if they kicked the guy in the nards and they won't admit to it.  You know who would admit to it?  That kid from that commercial about basketball and sportsmanship who is all like, "It was out on me coach, it was the wrong call" and then goes to tell the ref he got it wrong.  There's no chance that ref wouldn't tell the kid to get the hell out of his face, right?

-  5-4 now Gophers, we missed another goal by the dirty Bulldogs.  ROH wrestling is officially bad luck.

-  Jesus Christ Delmon Young is the worst hitter in history.  So glad I bet on him to have more total bases than David/Daniel/Dale Murphy, who has two singles tonight.  I hate everything.

-  GOPHERS WIN!!!  GOPHERS WIN!!!!  Boner!!

-  The Wild might have just lost in OT.  TOO SOON TO TELL!  There were 8 people in the crease, the goal scored off a skate, and the goal was off it's posts.  If that counts as a goal I'm going to burn Canada to the ground - for inventing hockey, you see.  Actually I should probably do that anyway.  Plus their money looks weird.

-  Need Napoli to K here.  It's going to have to be looking because there is zero fucking way Brad Penny can put one past anybody.

-  Fucking hell.  I hate gambling.

- Text from Bogart:  "I ate a steak tonight that cost $129."  What a dick.  Outback is a special treat for me, and Black Snake usually eats squirrel or possum or whatever he can shoot out his backyard window.  And I think Dawger subsists on Ramen and veggie-burgers.

-  Just took Arizona State +18.5 so we have something to watch besides wrestling.  Will probably still watch wrestling.

-  Musberger just told us that some freshman for Oregon is nicknamed "The Black Mamba."  What the hell is that shit?  Kobe is the Black Mamba and everybody knows that.  You can't recycle the nickname of a guy who is still playing, especially when it's something unique like The Black Mamba instead of just initals like LT and LT.  Although I suppose this information is coming from the guy who actually said, "This is for all the Tostitos" while announcing the Fiesta Bowl, so I suppose it's exceedingly possible that he got his tip sheet for this game mixed up with one from the NBA Finals from a few years ago.  Likely, even.

-  I miss Leapin' Lenny Poffo.

-  World's Greatest QB Andrew Luck threw for 336 yds and 4 TDs today.  More importantly, did you know his nickname is The Black Mamba.

-  Nelson Cruz just hit another home run.  I'm impressed by his postseason, but not really impressed by that home run because he hit it off of Brad Penny, who once again did not strike Mike Napoli out, because he's freaking terrible.  I don't even think he could strike Austin Jackson out.  Also Buck and McCarver are the worst combo ever.  Of anything.

Yep, worse that this.  Which me, Snacks, The Egyptian, and assorted others drank one New Year's Eve 

when we ran out of booze.  Was a bad decision what the hell is going on with this spacing?

-  If Delmon can get a 2b here I can push my bet, anything more I can win it.  And the waste of talent hits a squibber in front of the mound.  I am terrible at everything.  Except cooking.

-  We've been flipping to Monday Night Raw (which doesn't make much sense tonight) for 20 minutes or so.  Still no wrestling.  The soap opera crap is a bit out of control, but apparently people watch this.  Sickos.  But I can tell you what, this guy in the ponytail isn't very happy.

-  Just found a live stream of the Hopkins/Dawson fight.  Also just threw down a cool $10 spot on Hopkins.  I'll bet on anything.

- Bernard Hopkins is 46 years old.  He also wears an executioner's hood into the ring.  I can't decide if these are good omens or bad.  Probably bad.  Also, on Raw, some weird dude in a nose guardy face mask thing like Willie Burton wore just ran in the ring and beat up some guy who was supposed to be fighting some fat black dude.  Then he put a paper bag on the dudes head after he beat him up.  This is the weirdest night ever.

-  ROUND 1 Summary:  Nobody did anything.  Dawson tried one rush but missed everything.  I score that round Hopkins 0, Dawson 0, not watching boxing 8 (and I love boxing).

-  ROUND 2 Summary:  What.  The.  Fuck.  So the match has been called a no-contest because Dawson kind of picked Hopkins up and then Hopkins either hurt his shoulder or pretended he hurt his shoulder and couldn't go on, so they called it.  Honest to god between this and the Mayweather fight I don't really know what to do with boxing.  I haven't watched in years, and now as I try to get back to it I get this garbage.  I give up.  Also on wrestling there were just two hot blonde broads fighting some asian chicks and then it cut to Keith Hernandez.  I told you this was the weirdest night ever.

I don't always watch wrestling, but when I do, I prefer broads.

-  Took Oregon -7.5 for the second half.  So if the Ducks win by between 12 and 17 we win double money.  Anything else and it's a minuscule loss.  Had to be done.

-  God Seth Meyers is awesome.

-  Argument:  I think Anna Faris is hotter than fire.  Bear thinks she's a "plain jane."  Discuss.

Oh.  Hi.

-  Oh for fuck's sake they ruled it a TKO for Dawson.  Boxing is so stupid and I lost more money.  I'm going to go throw myself off a bridge assuming someone can drive me to one.

-  Just flipped over to bull-riding.  You heard me.  The dudes riding the bulls are now wearing kevlar vests and goalie masks.  The last bastion of the true man is now dead.  The only real man left is Ron Swanson.

-  Just learned Bear is a big Jim Rome fan.  Seems like a good time to call it a night because I'm pretty sure I need to punch him in the nuts now.

-  Bear:  "I need some wrestling up in here."  So we switch to Raw or whatever, and we see some wrestler guy limping off into the locker room.  Wrestling and Boxing are completely interchangeable.  Sad.  Also the Miz is wrestling so this seems appropriate:

I taught the Miz about black people!

-  Bear requesting some popcorn chicken up in here.  And at the same time we discover the WWE is doing a battle royal.  I don't recognize any of these people, and there's some giant ginger dude who's wrecking shit, but I'm all in.

-And the big Ginger is elimnated!  This is the worst fucking thing I've ever watched and I've watched bull riding tonight.  Such a weird night.

-  Everyone was elminated within like 4 minutes.  Now it's just Miz and some dude.  And oh my god controversey!  The both went out at the same time oh my god kill me.

-  Middle on Oregon and Ariz state coming down to the wire.  very dramatic.  You're drunk.

-  Wide open ASU reciever for a tD. through his hands, right to a duck.  MIddled.  boom.  I can't type and neither can you and I just won money so eat it.

About Last Night......10/13/2011

Is this a new feature?  Maybe. 

1.  Justin Verlander is on a whole different plane of existence than anybody else.  It's not that he pitched 8 innings in a game where the team's bullpen was essential empty (because Valverde and Benoit had pitched three straight days and everybody else sucks), and not even because he threw 133 pitches.  I can't decide what was more impressive - the way he clearly didn't have his best stuff early, but made the right pitches at the right time, got a little bit of luck, and, as much as I hate to use this word, gutted it out, or that walking off the mound after the 7th he was sitting at 123 pitches and you knew damn well he wasn't giving up the ball.  It didn't quite work out since he got an out and then gave up a single and a home run, but still it was pretty awesome.

Is this more Scott Baker, or Kevin Slowey?  Can't decide.

Honestly, what do you think would happen if a Twins pitcher threw over 130 pitches in a game?  I'm guessing Gardy and Anderson would shut him down for the next two weeks to look for signs of arm fatigue, even if he felt fine.  In the regular season this year starters threw over 120 pitches one-hundred thirty times - only 2 of those were Twins (Blacky, Liriano).  The last time a Twin hit the 130 pitch mark was Kenny Rogers in 2003 - since then 86 non-Twins have thrown over 130 in one game, including the great Livan Hernandez a mind-numbing 14 times. 

Look, I get it.  Not every pitcher is capable of that kind of performance, whether physically or mentally it's not something everybody can do.  Fine.  But every October you see it - whether it's Verlander, Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Curt Schilling, or Fatbathia, there are some truly magnificent pitching performances that come with their own aura.  And the Twins have babies, whether because of coaching or the pitcher's own limitations, and I'm just sick of it and I'm sick of all of you.  Maybe this post was a bad idea.  I need a drink.

SIDE NOTE:  The Twins' pitcher who holds the record for most pitches in a single game?  Willie freaking Banks with a mind-blowing 151 pitches in a game in 1993. 

Not long after this his arm fell completely off

I was going to write other stuff about other stuff too but then I got drunk forgot. 

Doc Gooden is insane

Real quick:

Where the hell has this picture been all my life?

I loved Dwight Gooden growing up.  He was easily the most talented pitcher I had ever seen.  He then ruined his career with coke (seriously Damon Wayans character in The Last Boy Scout - which is an awesome awesome movie and if you disagree I will find you and kick you in your balls - was the football version of this guy) and has had some well-publicized battles with drugs.  Now he's battled back to be on twitter.  Naturally I follow him.  He is a Yankee fan.  Based on his tweets last night he has a fool proof, 3-point plan to restore the Yankees to glory:

1.  Sign Jose Reyes.

2.  Trade A.J. Burnett for Jason Bay.

3.  Trade the team's top 4 prospects for Felix Hernandez.

Everything about this made me laugh.  Just, very quickly:

1.  Reyes would actually be perfect for this team - except they signed Jeter to that extension and are still on the hook for $33 million the next two seasons.  Reyes isn't going to play 2b with Cano there, and you can't give up on A-Rod after one sub-par season when he's still owed $133 million through 2017 (note:  Holy fucking shit!  I'm giggling over here.).  They only way they're signing Reyes is if they can move Jeter or A-Rod, and they have about as much a chance of that as trading A.J. Burnett. 

2.  Oh.  Right.  Trading Burnett was leg 2.  It actually makes sense to bring up Bay here, since the Mets are one of the few teams who would at least consider trading for Burnett if it meant they could shed Bay.  Both are owed in the low $30 million range for 2 years left each, but Burnett has been awful for 2 years and will be 35 next season, while Bay is two years younger and has more battled injuries than been terrible, and his last full season, although coming two seasons ago, was an awfully good one.  In short, this is the kind of trade that I totally get why a Yankee fan would try to sell as realistic, but it really isn't.

3.  I don't even care who the other three guys are, you don't trade Jesus.  Judas tried that shit and he's now Hitler's love slave, but there's a whole lot of dumb in this idea.  The Yankees are getting old.  Cano and Brett Gardner were the only regulars under the age of 30 this season, and I'm not sure I'd count on Gardner as a fixture in the outfield.  Hughesy and Nova are their only starters under 30.  They're old, and right on cue they've actually started developing some young talent - Montero and Cano are studs.  There's some good pitching prospects in the pipeline, and they've got a lot of positions covered.  They're in good shape.  But Gooden's plan is to abandon that and gut the system for one guy - a great pitcher, yes, but yeah no.

In short, I freaking love crazy Dwight Gooden.  That is all.

Trade me again and I'll kill you (NOTE:  that doesn't really make sense but I really wanted to use this picture)

Monday's Musings - 10/11/2011

Don't read this.  No, seriously, I mean it.  I don't know when it happened but somehow I've become painfully unfunny lately. This blog is brutal.  For inspiration I read through some of my posts from a year or two ago and they were pretty good, but not only that they inspired some pretty awesome comments that led to awesome conversations in the comment section.  Now?  Nothing.  I've got nothing.  This is going to be terrible.

-  First off the big news is that the Lynx won the WNBA championship.  Here are my thoughts on that:

-  Next up I suppose we need to discuss the Vikings, despite the fact that Don McNabb has somehow managed to combine a noodle arm with the inability to throw the ball anywhere near where he's trying to.  I mean seriously, have you ever seen a worse QB than McNabb?  Have you ever, for kicks, decided to try to throw a curve ball when you play catch with a football?  And it doesn't actually curve or anything, it just goes through the air with a complete wobble, about as far from a spiral as possible?  That's what McNabb's ball is looking like these days.  The Vikings have no chance to win more than 4 games this year unless Christian Ponder is the next Andy Dalton.  Poor AP.  He's wasted like Rico Tucker was wasted that one year.

See these blast points?  Too precise for Donovan McNabb.

-  Speaking of the Gophers, once again the football team got waxed in embarrassing fashion.  Here are my thoughts on that:

-  Also in the shitty football team department, how about that "Dream Team."  In case you missed it that's how the Eagles were being described this off season after signing Asomugha, Steve Smith (the bad one), and Vince Young.  Now they're 1-4 after getting beat by the Bills, and wait what?  Somehow signing Vince Young is supposed to be a good thing?  Sometimes a guy who was great in college and sucks in the pros just sucks.  He doesn't always need a change of scenery or a new scheme or whatever - Vince Young just sucks.  And so do the Eagles apparently.  Who knew that just assembling a bunch of talent with no real regard for how it fits together wouldn't work out   Too much crazy.

-  Speaking of crazy, are you watching this Terra Nova show?  Fuckin' dinosaurs, man.  I don't really know what the plot is yet, but next on House:  some crazy disease nobody can figure out, a crazy doctor who plays by his own rules, and a plot twist.  Sounds spicy!

-  You know what's sweet?  Winning an over 9 runs bet in a game that was tied 3-3 in extra innings when the home team hits a walk-off grand slam.  That, my friends, is luck.

It's like the luck of the Irish only I'm not Irish so you figure it out

-  Anybody still in a survivor pool for the NFL?  If you are it means you're either incredibly smart, and knew not to trust Eli Manning even in a home game against a horrid defense (unlikely, but possible) and also knew that Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst would combine to play an efficient, solid game with few mistakes (impossible), or you're stupid.  So yes, I'm telling you if you're still alive you're stupid, because the Giants were the obvious play and not taking them meant you trying to be cute which usually doesn't work out.  So if you're still alive congratulations on being dumb and lucky.  You suck.

-  So what exactly is the deal here with the MLB playoffs, we're going to go from an awesome Divisional round to a shitty Championship round?  Actually I guess we shouldn't really worry yet since it really doesn't matter if the early games are blowouts or are close, just as long as we get to games 6 and especially 7 and they're close it'll be entertaining.  How awesome was last round?  Three Game 5s that all ended as one run affairs including one that went to extra innings?  AND the Yankees lost?  It was a little slice o' heaven.  I shed a tear and I swear as A-Rod was whiffing on that Valverde heater I could hear Hallelujah playing in the back ground.  With the song and the crying it was just like when Marisa Cooper died.


Anyway, I thought Girardi made one of the absolutely most brilliant managerial moves I've ever seen, but then followed it up with a classic bit over over-managing.  First, his pull of Nova after just two innings and 31 pitches was just a great move.  Nova had given up two first inning home runs and a double in the second, but he'd also struck out two batters and retired the last three batters he'd faced.  Sounds like an ok beginning, but watching the game you could tell he didn't really have it.  Most managers would let the pitcher go another inning and try to get him through the fifth.  Girardi saw Nova didn't have his A game and yanked him immediately.  Great move.

Of course, much like that damn overconfident hare who somehow lost to the turtle, Girardi thought he was awesome and made one too many moves, pulling Phil Hughes after just an inning and a third despite the fact that he was dealing but had just given up a hit.  That didn't come back to bite him immediately, but Hughes was looking like he could have pitched deep into the game and suddenly Girardi had to really stretch his bullpen.  That included pitching C.C. Fatbathia on short rest and he eventually blew the game.  I'm just really curious how things could have worked out if he left Hughes in - and he should have.

Lost in all this, of course, is that Fister (Fister?  I hardly know 'er) was looking amazing, which is no real surprise because he's been a whole different pitcher since being traded to Detroit.  His Ks/9 jumped by 50% from around 6 in his career with Seattle to 9 per 9 innings once he came to the Tigers and was suddenly completely unhittable and looked it that night.  I can't help but wonder if it's because of Leyland.  Maybe Seattle was like the Twins and were trying to force him to pitch to contact or some similar retardation and Leyland just cut him loose.  It's possible and you damn well know it.  Why do you love Gardy so much, sicky?

-  Speaking of the Twins, I'm pretty sure I'm done with those season wrap-ups I was doing.  In my defense I got through 3 positions so that's pretty good I think considering how shit-boxy this team was.  And all the positions left are depressing.  Middle infield?  Gross.  Starting pitching?  Vomit.  The bullpen?  Yuck.  I guess the outfield is semi-interesting, but mainly that's because of Ben Revere and Joe Benson.  Can Revere develop a little power or learn how to walk?  Either one of those would make him a legit big league leadoff hitter.  And can Benson become the five-tool stud he's purportedly potentially possible to be or is he going to end up moving to the middle of the country where he becomes a bouncer at the Double Deuce and starts up a fling with the local doctor while feuding with the local rich guy who kind of a dick?

Future Joe?

I don't know.  I mean, I guess it'll be a semi-interesting offseason with decisions to be made on several guys, but most of those decisions are going to be of the "offer a contract: yes/no" rather than trades which are way more fun.  Hopefully they do some interesting things and figure out how to get this team back on track.  God knows I'll be here.

Also, obviously, I learned how to caption photos that I post, so that's probably going to get run into the ground.

Brew Crew/D-Backs Live Blog?

So here's the sitch.  Wife and kids have peaced out.  Wife is on her way with her mother to Colorado to visit her sister on what sounds like the world's longest road trip, especially when you have to stop in the middle of nowhere Nebraska to get your car checked out because it's overheating.  Kids are at my parents because they're retired and it makes little sense for me to drop them off before work and pick them up after for two days, so I'm on my own.  I just got done schooling my boys Theory and Lunny in hoop by raining Js and teaching class (no shtick, I was 3-0 in 21-hustle) and then we hit the local pub for a few beers.  Now I have nothing else to do so I'm going to watch the Brewers/D-Backs game.  Because what else am I gonna do?

-  Just poured myself a captain & coke.  Except we have a stupid fridge that we can't quite get the temp figured out on just right, so in order to add the coke I had to open three coke zeros and one diet coke to get the non-frozen parts out to make a full drink.  And this is like 60% captain here.  So that happened.

-  Bets for today's game:  Nyjer Morgan YES Hit, Miguel Montero YES Hit, Prince Fielder more total bases than Justin Upton.

-  And Morgan is not in the lineup because of that ass Carlos Gomez.  That was a guaranteed winner.  You guys remember when Snacks said that Gomez would eventually be a 30-30 guy?  He still has gotten there in his career.  He's still only 25 so it's not like it's over yet and he's definitely got 3 tools, it's just that the two he's missing are hitting and hitting.  I don't know, I feel saucy.  I'm going to predict a big day for Mr. Gomez.

-  Announcer guy:  Saunders has to pitch from behind in the count.  It's just how his offspeed stuff works better.  Wow holy crap I just looked it up because it sounded like an incredibly stupid thing to say and he's actually right.  His two best counts are 1-0 and 2-0, while his worst count is 0-2.  How fucked up is this guy?

-  Fuckin' Fielder.  Walks don't count as bases.

-  FYI - I assume he's gone in any leagues you're in, but Denarius Moore is about to destroy the NFL.  Fact.  Might be next year, might even be the year after that, but if you're in a keeper don't let him go.

-  I can't believe Willie Bloomquist is leading off for a playoff team.  That's like seeing Matt Tolbert lead off for a playoff team in a couple of years.  Bloomquist career OPS+ = 75, Tolbert 65.  Once you get under 90 it's pretty much the same thing.  Unless you're talking about Butera or Rivera, they're in a special class.  Not Ramos though.  He's basically the 6th best catcher in the league (M. Montero, McCann, Avila, Santana, Posey) and that's if he doesn't get better.  But hey, at least we have a completely average reliever.

-  Upton walks.  So we're even.

-  Montero base knock.  Looking good.  Oh also I have the Brewers to win fairly heavy, which is super awesome because Ryan Roberts, who is terrible at baseball, just hit a grand slam.  Nice pitch, Wolf.  Looked super Blackburny.

-  So somebody in the comments wanted me to talk about football.  Well what should we talk about?  The Gophers?  Why?  If you want Gopher talk you have The Daily Gopher and Still Got Hope?  I literally have nothing to say about the Gopher football program.  It's a mess.  I like what Kill is spilling, but Brewster left the team barren of talent and it shows.  Vikings?  Also terrible.  You really want me to rehash the whole "out in Ponder" bit?  Yeah, I think they should put him in, but on the other hand this paragraph has been excrutiatingly difficult to write so I'm just done.

-  Announcer guy just tried to make a Guns N Roses joke.  I don't get it.

-  I must be getting old.  It's 9:26 and I'm very tired and I got nothin'.  I don't know.  Go read another blog.

-  So this New Girl show, by the way, has turned terrible.  I recommended it on here based on the first episode and Zooey Deschanel's boneriffic cuteness, but holy crap has it taken a turn for the worst in the next 2 episodes.  Really been quite awful.  If it wasn't for zooey i would quit.

-  I think it's over folks.  I think I'm done with blogging.  I'm alone and drunk and there is baseball on and I just can't care.  It's been a good run.

-  Do you think when there's a single hit to Gomez and he just has to throw the ball in to second he gets pissed?  That just happened and he did the biggest crow hop wind up ever to throw the ball 10 feet.  I feel like he's a lot like the kid in little league who is chasing butterflies and eating flowers.  He's not really paying attention, he just wants to throw the ball hard somewhere.  $20 says the middle infielders have to tell him to just throw it in lightly.

-  Maybe this party pizza will lighten my mood/wake me up.

-  It's 7-3, there's a ton on offense, and yet I'm bored out of my mind here.  Maybe it's not my fault, maybe it's this game.  Probably because Wisconsin is involved.  They ruin everything.

-  So I'm a huge nerd, no shocker there, and I've actually kept track on a spreadsheet the books I've read dating back to 2006.  I read 52 in 2006, 62 in 2007, 43 in 2008 (Wonderbaby ^TM was born), 47 in 2009, 37 in 2010 (Baby Ben^TM was born) and a pathetic 28 so far this year.  Having two kids and a job with no travel will really kill that number.  I need to spend more time in the bathroom.

-  Gomez with a hit and a steal.  So good.  If the Twins had Hardy instead of him I'm fine, if they have two shitty ass relievers instead of him that's the biggest shit show in history, other than Brewster's Gophers.

-  Do you realize that the best pitcher in Brewer history was Ted Higuera?  And other than striking out 6 straight dudes in an all-star game a good season or two he really wasn't that good.  I find that surprising for some reason.  Twins have what, Kaat, Blyleven, Viola, Erickson, Santana who are all as good or better?  Yeah, suck it Sconnie!  We own you guys as long as you don't count anything recent.

-  That pizza was pretty good.  I feel healthy.

-  Fielder double.  2-1 over Upton.  what up?

-  Gomez slides into first on a bunt attempt.  Some things never change.  $20 says Gardy has a boner right now.

-  God I'm tired and lame.  Go read one of my drunk blogs from 2 years ago, realize that I suck now, and go read something else. so tired.

NCAA Basketball Preview - The Pac 12

Here's what you need to know about the Pac-12 this year - they're going to be bad again.  Once again, the Pac teams have been hit hard by attrition and although they continue to pull in a good share of stud recruits, the players are leaving more quickly than they can be replaced.  If there was an easy way to look this up without having to straight count it or if there was a page with bids by conference by year, but there's not, so instead I'll just point out how the Pac has struggled even getting 2-3 teams bids in the last few seasons.

They've done so crappy in the non-conference slate that it's hard to build a profile back-up in a conference where seemingly everybody has a bad early loss.  Last year Oregon lost to San Jose State and Idaho, UCLA lost to Montana, USC lost to Rider, Bradley, Nebraska, and TCU, Stanford lost to Tulsa, Oregon State lost to Seattle, Texas Southern, and Utah Valley, and Arizona State lost to New Mexico.  Those are RPI killers and bring down the whole league.  They'll stabilize eventually because of the level of some of the programs, but this might be another rough one.

Oh well, at least they have hot chicks.

1.  CALIFORNIA GOLDEN BEARS.  Unlike the majority of the team's in the Pac-12, Cal managed to avoid getting hit with the big curse of graduations/NBA defections and as such they should be the best team in the conference this year, despite the fact that Justin Cobbs is probably going to be their starting point guard.  And Cobbsy should have plenty of opportunity for assists with Cal bringing back a lot of fire power - Jorge Gutierrez, Harper Kamp, and Allen Crabbe are all back and all averaged over 13 points per game last season.  Of course, Cal was also a pretty terrible defensive team last year and lost their best inside presence, so it's not like they're going to run away with anything here.  And speaking of running.........

2.  UCLA BRUINS.  Just like Washington, UCLA was also hit pretty hard in the losing players department.  Replacing Malcolm Lee and Tyler Honeycutt won't be easy, but luckily the Bruins have plenty coming back and a bumper crop of newcomers to help ease the transition.   Interestingly, of the newcomers the only freshman is SG Norman Powell (#69 overall on Rivals), but he's been called a Jrue Holliday type athlete, so he should be pretty damn impressive.  The newcomers most key to the Bruins' season are the Wear twins, 6-10 former McDonald's All-Americans who transferred over from North Carolina.  Despite their identical size, their skill sets put one at the 4 and one at the 3, adding some extra flexibility.  As long as they get quality point guard play from Lazeric Jones they'll be at the top end of the Pac.  And I wrote all that without mentioning their best player, Reeves Nelson, who is like what Brian Cardinal or Dusty Rychart would have been if they had actual talent.  So yeah, UCLA is fairly loaded, much like myself (booze not money).

3.  WASHINGTON HUSKIES.  Washington was hit hard by graduations and early defections, losing their three best players in PG Isaiah "Captain Circus Ball" Thomas, Justin Holiday, and Matthew Bryan-Amaning.  No need to panic however, because with Lorenzo Romar still coaching and Abdul Gaddy still around the sweet Circus Ball days should continue.  And thank god.  Really, if you haven't taken in a Washington basketball game lately you owe it to yourself to.  Two of my favorite memories of the last 2 tournaments are watching them play New Mexico and North Carolina.  The tempo is just out of this world.  Oh, and Washington also signed another fast as hell guard in Tony Wroten, so fire up the band!    

4.  ARIZONA WILDCATS.  This sounds pretty familiar at this point, but Zona is yet another Pac-12 team losing a bunch of talent from last year with not only Derrick Williams but also Lamont Jones gone.  Fortunately they're bringing in an excellent class to help out, highlighted by the backcourt duo of PG Josiah Turner (#2 PG, #11 overall) and SG Nick Johnson (#4 SG, #18 overall).  Turner should keep Arizona's traditional of top PG play alive and I'd bet this is the best incoming backcourt in America, but Arizona's lack of impact returning players will hold them down, and their improvement will be the difference between the NCAA and NIT this year.

5.  STANFORD CARDINAL.  Stanford loses their leading scorer, Jeremy Green, to the NBA Draft even though he's a dummkopf and didn't get drafted, but luckily for them they have Chasson Randle (#78 recruit) coming on and ready to step in to his starting position after choosing the Cardinal over Illinois and Purdue probably because he's a nerd but didn't want to go to Northwestern because they're terrible at everything always.  Everyone else is back from last year's mediocre team, and Stanford will likely end up in the same mediocre position as last season unless somebody shows a vast jump in ability.  The most likely candidate is 6-8 PF Josh Owens, a fifth-year senior whose numbers nearly doubled last year.

6.  OREGON DUCKS.  I don't know if it's the attrition from other teams or improvement on the Ducks' part, but suddenly Oregon is looking a little frisky under second-year coach Dana Altman.  I'm just kidding - it's the attrition.  But things are looking up, starting with the end of last season's championship in the CBI. . What?  It counts.  Anyway, the Ducks lose their leading scorer and rebounder from last year and their starting point guard, but have a bunch of quality adds including guard Jabari Brown, the #19 freshman according to Rivals, and possibly the best incoming shooter on the West Coast who turned down UCONN, Kansas, and Washington to come to Eugene.  Of course, your boyfriend Devoe Joseph becomes eligible after the first semester and will add some scoring pop in a more uptempo system.  Of course, the smart move would have been to sit out this year so he could have played all of next season, when the Ducks will be better and, you know, he'd be eligible for the whole year.  Then again, I suppose Devoe has never been known for thinking things through.

7.  ARIZONA STATE SUN DEVILS.  There's nothing more fun than watching players from Minnesota light it up for other teams and this might be your best chance outside of Iowa State.  Trent Lockett led the Sun Devils in scoring last season at 13.4 per game, and with the team's 2nd, 3rd, and 4th leading scorers all gone ASU might look to Lockett to be less a part of the offense than the majority of the offense.  He doubled his scoring average from his freshman to sophomore year, so he could be up for the challenge.  The two guys who really need to step up are guard Kaela King and forward Carrick Felix.  King was a much heralded and celebrated get for the Sun Devils as the #26 recruit in the country going into last year, but really had a disappointing year scoring over 10 points in a game just twice.  Felix originally committed to Duke before pulling out and and coming to Tempe, and like King needs to live up to his pedigree if ASU is going to compete for an NCAA bid this year.

8.  WASHINGTON STATE COUGARS.  Losing a guy like Klay Thompson, who did everything for your team and led the conference in scoring, is always going to sting but you can try to prepare because it was pretty obvious odds were better than 50/50 he'd be heading to the NBA.  What makes it worse is when DeAngelo Castro - double-digit scorer, leading rebounder, and second in the conference in FG percentage - bolts as well to head play professionally in Turkey.  They still have some fire power with second leading scorer and noted chucker Faisel Aden returning to throw the ball at the rim, but the key will be to see if he and junior PG Reggie Moore can co-exist.  Moore looked like a future star in his freshman year, but after Aden arrived he regressed with both Aden and Thompson needing the ball constantly.  If Moore can figure out his role that could be the difference between my 9th place prediction and as high as 7th.

9.  OREGON STATE BEAVERS.  I thought last year the Beavers had a shot to return to relevance for the first time since the days of Corey Benjamin, but alas, it was not meant to be, but at least they had the decency to let everyone know right away by losing to Seattle, Texas Southern, and Utah Valley before the season was a month old.  Just like Gary Sinise I won't get fooled again, but it is hard not to like their guards in Roberto Nelson and Jared Cunningham who are about as athletic as can be with Cunningham averaging nearly three steals per game last season, good enough for fifth in the country.  Really though, this was a bad team last year who did almost nothing well (other than steal the ball), last year's leading assist man averaged just 2.4 per game and is a 280 lb. power forward, and they lost one of their best players from last season with nothing real impressive waiting to step in.  So yeah, not a sleeper.

10.  USC TROJANS.  Last year USC made the tournament on the backs of their twin towers Nikola Vucevic and Alex Stephenson and solid guard play from the trio of Jio Fontan, Maurice Jones, and Donte Smith.  Now both of the bigs are gone along with Smith, and Fontan broke his knee off during the team's trip to Brazil, leaving just Jones and 8 other scholarship players (they also have two transfers eating up schollys who won't be eligible until next year and a season-ending shoulder injury to another guy), only one of whom has played in more than 6 games in his career.  Jones will have a little bit of help coming in with former Iowa forward Aaron Fuller becoming eligible this year and a big JuCo center coming in to rave reviews, but the only way USC is going to do much this year is with their usual solid defense, but not even that will be enough to make them post season relevant this year.   

11.  COLORADO BUFFALOES.  Every so often things come together for even the most moribund of programs and unheralded players improve, diamonds in the rough shine, and for one brief year a school that rarely makes its mark on the basketball world has a huge year.  Unfortunately when that happened for Colorado they somehow managed to bumblefuck it up and ended up in the NIT.  Now their four leading scorers are gone, including two of the better players in school history in Alec Burks and Cory Higgins, and Colorado prepares for the basement once again, but at least it's a brand new shiny basement.  Andre Roberson is a great athlete who led the team in rebounding, blocks, and steals last year and that's pretty much where the positives stop.  I heard it's a fun town though.

12.  UTAH UTES.  Remember when Majerus had Utah running along as a major western power?  Well that's not really relevant here.  Utah fired their coach after four straight losing seasons, which then sent four major contributors from last year's team will eligibility remaining heading for the transfer door which, along with graduations, means a terrible Utah team will now be missing 5 of their top 6 scorers from last season.  They do get back #2 leading scorer Josh Watkins at 15 per game and have a couple of assets most teams don't in a pair of 7-footers in David Foster and Josh Washburn.  Neither is particularly athletic or skilled, but you can't teach size so they'll grab rebounds, block shots, and probably make at least 50% of their lay-ups.


Other previews:
Big 12
ACC
Atlantic 10