I was actually going to bring back the good ole Weekend Review since we have three sports running right now, but then i was like meh. So here's some thoughts from the weekend.
- I know it would be in bad taste, what with the Coach Kill stuff, to badmouth the Gophers about losing to New Mexico State so I'm not going to do it. Also making fun of the Gophers for losing to stupid shitty teams has kind of gotten old. Instead I'll put on my happy sunshine magic ice cream glasses and look at the positive. In that case I need to point out that Da'Jon McKnight is really damn good at catching the ball and also getting open. McKnight had 9 catches for 146 yards and a score on Saturday, which was 50% of the teams catches and somewhere in the 60% neighborhood of their receiving yards. And also he just looks like a player out there. Catching that many balls from a wide receiver forced to play QB and a freshman is a testament to his ability. Guy's solid. Might end up actually being even better than Eric Decker, but far less sexy.
- So you're Michigan. You have the fastest quarterback in the NCAA since Major Harris. The type of QB you never have, tending to stick to the tall, white, immobile pocket passer type like Jon Navarre and Elvis Grbac. So you decide to implement the west coast offense? Just stupid. And I know they won, but you know why they won? Because in the second half they were like, "Denard, go be Denard" and that's mostly what he did. Did he miss some wide open receivers? Yes. Did he make some terrible decisions? Yes. Did he make some incredible plays with arm and legs? Yes, yes he did. That is why you let Major Harris loose. He completed less than 50% of his passes, but still threw for over 300 yards and 4 TDs while rushing over 100 yards. That's what guys like this do. And, if you're a good coach, you realize this and mold your offense to fit him, not try to cram Major Harris into a Joe Montana bit. Whoever the Michigan coach is recognized that in the second half, it'll be interesting to see if he recognizes that for the rest of the year(s). Also yeah that probably doesn't warrant a place in the suck column but I'm sure as shit not going to devote an entire post to fucking Michigan football. And also I started this post when they were down 24-7, so I'm kinda stuck.
- How about Austin Jackson's week? Jesus what an asshole. Here's how it went down: 0-5 2 Ks, 1-5 2 Ks, 1-6 3 Ks, 0-4 2 Ks, 0-2 2 Ks, and 1-4 with 2 Ks. That's 3-26 with 12 strikeouts, 3 runs scored, 0 rbi, and 0 steals. You know how I know how shitty he was? Because the fantasy baseball playoffs started this week and not only do we have this cock mouse on our roster, but we stared him. Why would we start him you ask? Because the week prior he went 18-34 with 3 doubles, 3 triples, 2 homers, 5 rbi, 8 runs scored, and 2 steals. So yes, he's quite an ass.
- Speaking of that, how about that Donovan McNabb this weekend? I actually thought he looked pretty spry and his piss poor numbers are probably more the fault of that crappy offensive line than actually McNabb's fault, but any time you fail to crack 40 passing yards and you play the entire game that clearly isn't good. Defense looked good at least and AP is a stud and it's not like they got blown out against a clear playoff team so I'm not panicking or anything just yet, but that line needs to get it figured out in a hurry.
- Since the Twins have no hope, and as such I don't currently see any reason to discuss until the season's over and we can figure out which bums we hope get booted, let's talk about two of the top prospects in baseball who are now up with the big clubs: Jesus Montero, C, Yankees and Matt Moore, P, Rays. Montero, who has been the Yankees #1 prospect for like 10 years, has been up now for about a week and a half and has smoked the ball, hitting .308/.400/.654 with 3 homers and basically been somewhere between Ryan Braun and Jose Bautista. Moore has been tabbed the #1 pitching prospect in baseball by some and considered a future ace by most. The Rays don't have him slotted in a rotation spot yet, so I'm guessing he'll be used out the pen similarly to how they used David Price a few years ago.
Meanwhile the Twins top prospects have either regressed or are 17 years old. It's gonna be a long couple of years, boys. I suggest you jump on over to the Royals bandwagon with me.
- Lastly, since we're talking about hope and how there is none for Minnesota sports teams, the Houston Cougars are about to become the newest mid-major who can do some serious damage after an epic weekend of signings. The Cougars, who I can only assume are cheating, signed SF Danuel House and PF Danrad "Chicken" Knowles. Why this is notable, besides someone voluntarily going by the name Chicken, is because House is the #15 player in the class of 2012 according to Rivals.com, and Knowles is ranked #47 so this is a huge step for Houston. Both are from Texas, which helped Houston out at least somewhat, but both also had offers from Baylor and Arkansas (which is practically Texas) and House chose the Cougars over the Longhorns (as well as Kansas, Ohio State, and Arizona). So not only is this one huge get for a completely unknown coach at a subpar program, but it's two huge gets.
Sigh.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
DWG Football Preview
It's time for the award-winning, critically acclaimed, and publicly loved DWG NFL preview. I've gotten almost everything right I've written but I'm going to change it up anyway. Here are your teams in order from worst to best with a little info added in.
#32 Seattle Seahawks - I can't come up with a single redeeming thing for this team outside of Marcus Trufant and that the all-time face of their franchise is a white WR. Every single player on this team is a complete retread and not even the good kind. Who's their best player? Marshawn Lynch? Just brutal. And are they really planning on building the offense around T-Jax and Sid Rice? Seriously, if Rice breaks 800 yards receiving I'll volunteer to sleep with the girlfriends of every blog reader, just to teach myself a lesson. Seriously though, he won't get 800. 600 would be surprising.
#31 Buffalo Bills - They might win fewer games than Seattle based on the team's divisions but I think they're just slightly better. Which they should be since they've been rebuilding for 10 years at least at this point. Now C.J. Spiller is a bust and Ryan Fitzpatrick is still their quarterback. Looks like everything is going according to plan. Oh, and Stevie Johnson is a mirage who is terrible. FACT.
#30 Cincinnati Bengals - They get the edge over these other two shitboxes merely because they should at least be a little bit fun since they have rookie Andy Dalton starting at QB, rookie A.J. Green at WR, and some other youngsters sprinkled about. You'll at least be able to imagine a successful future while watching a terrible season. And all the while Carson Palmer will be sitting in a penthouse somewhere drinking bourbon, stroking his cat, and cackling maniacally. There will also probably be a roomful of strippers involved there somewhere. Maybe a Kardashian. What am I, his biographer?
#29 Washington Redskins - Somebody want to tell me why there isn't more negative energy being tossed at this group of sad sacks? Look at this roster. There best offensive player is either Santana Moss, who is 50 years old and has been consistently slightly above mediocre for 10 years, or Tim Hightower who couldn't beat out Beanie Wells or a retardedly old Edge James to win a starting job. That's it. A couple decent defensive players I guess, but both Fred Smoot and Rex Grossman are involved, so that's probably not what you really want.
#28 San Francisco 49ers - Alex Smith? Really? Again? I guess there's something to be said for loyalty but at this point it's kind of like that chick who keeps falling down the stairs and running into door knobs but keeps coming back for more. Actually that part is commendable. Never mind. Anyway it sucks because Frank Gore and Patrick Willis deserve better. I also just checked their depth chart and apparently Ted Ginn beat out both Braylon Edwards and Michael Crabtree for the starting flanker role, so that can't be good. Nice career, Crabtree. This guy is more disappointing than my life. If anybody is in a fantasy keeper league and owns him they should probably try to trade him immediately, probably to someone dumb like me. (Bear -> text me).
#27 Miami Dolphins - Did you draft any Dolphins in your fantasy league? Because if you did something must gone spectacularly wrong. This whole Chad Henne vortex they've somehow trapped themselves in is fascinating. How many years are you going to go, "Well, I guess we'll go with Henne." It's fascinating. It's like watching someone convince himself to hit on a 17. Oh, wait, never mind. I forgot they signed Reggie Bush, and that's probably the answer. 11 wins, minimum.
#26 Carolina Panthers - based on some of the other power rankings I've looked at I'm overrating these guys but I'm pretty positive that I'm right and they're wrong. All the other teams I have worse than them have no discernible strength, while the Panthers have two kick-as RBs. That's more than any of these other shitheads have. Who really cares whether it's Claussen or Newton - they're both going to suck and both going to have good moments, but both will spend most of their time handing off. One thing's certain - I'm looking way forward to all the racial issues the media can dig up on the Newton/Claussen QB controversey. Should be a riot.
#25 Cleveland Browns - It amazes me that people think Peyton Hillis is good. He's like, a poor man's Mike Alstott and Alstott was overrated. Just another overhyped white dude who everybody loves because he's such a gamer and plays the game the right way. Chris Berman must have a constant erection knowing he's in the league. Guess what? Montario Hardesty is 10x better, he just can't stop getting hurt. He's like the black Fred Taylor.
#24 Jacksonville Jaguars - Speaking of Fred Taylor we might as well put the Jags here, although I'm thinking they might actually be worse than this especially since their QB controversy is going to be between Luke McCown and Blaine Gabbert this year. And, by the way, if Gabbert can't win that one by week 4 they might as well just try to trade him because Luke McCown has got to be the shittiest QB in the league since T.J. Rubely.
#23 Denver Broncos - This ranking is only assuming they start Kyle Orton, if they switch it over to Tim Tebow they're probably a top 5 team. What? You're not buying it? Why do you hate America and Jesus? What did apple pie do to you? Why are you so afraid of a successful athlete who is also deeply religious? You just wait until the first time he throws and errant pass and magical baby santa jesus reaches down and moves the ball with his mind just like Carrie over the d-back and into the hands of sexy Eric Decker for a TD. Tebow's combination of grittiness, hustlitude, gamership, and magic god powers is something we've never seen before in this league. If whoever the Denver coach can handle the awesome power and responsibility of handling this awesome power the rest of the league is fucked. Because they all love Satan.
#22 Oakland Raiders - I have no idea how the Raiders ended up this high. I think I forgot about them until now. This is a terrible team who lost its best player and is still starting Jason Campbell at QB, the same Campbell who couldn't hold off Rex Grossman. And when Campbell inevitably fails, partially because he's throwing to Darius Heyward-Bay and Jacoby Ford who are fast but can't be definitively proven to have arms, who's waiting in the wings to save the day? Kyle Boller! But never fear because they also used a third round pick next year on Terrelle Pryor! Seriously, what a train wreck. And they keep effing around with the one good thing they have in McFadden. I think they need to contract the Raiders. We have too many football teams anyway.
#21 Kansas City Chiefs - Holy crap are these guys getting way too much credit. Still Matt Cassel, right? He and Dwayne Bowe both suck. Once team's realized Bowe was the only decent receiver he was completely unable to get open at the end of the year. Guess who their #2 WR is this year? Nobody knows because they all suck. You know who else sucks? Jamaal Charles. Why is everyone making out with him this year? He's terrible. The Chiefs have a good line and that's the entire reason he had any success last year. Can they repeat? Who knows, but it's doubtful, especially once teams realize you could just have Cassel and Bowe play catch on the sidelines and they'd probably complete less than 50% of their passes, even fewer after Bowe got bored. Suck-time.
#20 Tennessee Titans - This team might have a little bit of sleeper potential, if only because they have 2 weapons who can score from anywhere at any time in Chris Johnson and Kenny Britt. Of course, Britt is also at least a 50/50 shot to land in jail at some point this year so who really knows?
#19 Arizona Cardinals - Let the Kevin Kolb era begin! How exciting. A crappy back-up QB who has shown flashes of brilliance is jumped on by a team desperate for QB help that gives up way too much to land him. Scott Mitchell, anybody? I really hope not because I'm going to have to ride Kolb in our keeper league until Peyton "Morneau" Manning gets his shit together, but I feel like there's a whole lot more confidence in Kolb than there probably should be. Plus he's on the Cardinals, where QBs go to die unless they strongly believe their lord and savior will save and protect them like Kurt Warner did. Anybody know if Kolb is a holy roller? This is important.
#18 Chicago Bears - The single greatest travesty in our lifetime is that these guys won the division last year. Between them and Seattle the NFC playoffs last season had to have been the weakest crop of all-time. And there's really no reason for optimism. Roy Williams is the big upgrade? That's the big change? A guy who has already burned out on two other teams, both of which gave him situations where he should have/could have flourished? Gross. And I even like Jay Cutler but when you're giving him Williams, a kick returner, and two sub-par wideouts (Bennett and Knox) to throw to? Gross. Plus they got rid of G-Reg. There's just nothing here.
#17 Minnesota Vikings - Hell I don't know, right here seems about right. They aren't going to be a playoff team but they should be better than the crappy Bears just based on having A.P. alone. I don't know what McNabb has left but he at least takes them from a rebuilding worthless year to having an outside longshot at a playoff berth. If the o-line can figure out to play that is. Most likely scenario is McNabb is out with a broken leg by Week 6 and we get to very quickly see exactly what they have in Ponder. My guess is a nerdier Colt McCoy.
#16 Indianapolis Colts - I have no idea how to slot this team with all the Manning hullabaloo so I'll just place them right in the middle. When/if Manning plays they're a top 5 team, without him they're a bottom 5 team - which is pretty amazing in and of itself. So many ways this could play out, but what I'm envisioning is that they completely suck with Collins to nightmarish levels and Peyton isn't ready to play until around week 8 or so when they're already 1-7. Why play him then? Just continue on this season and get the #1 or #2 draft pick and get an immediate impact guy for next year - just like what the Spurs did with David Robinson and ended up with Tim Duncan. [note: I am seeing now that everyone is making this comparison, but I'm leaving it in because it's perfect.] Won't be quite the same since one guy (except maybe QB) can't have anywhere near the impact on a football team as a basketball team, but same principle. Andrew Luck, Manning heir apparent? Could be.
#15 Houston Texans - This is the year the Texans finally take that next step ha ha ha ha who am I kidding? I think everyone who has ever written about Houston in the last 3-4 years has started their writings with those same 11 words and we're still waiting. I think we always will be. There must be something inside of Schaub that's broken because he can put up big numbers, he's got great weapons (AJ and Owen Daniels are both among the best), but they just can't get over the hump. Maybe it's a curse. I don't know what it is but on paper they look like a contender every year, and then every year they go out and lose. Oh, and Arian Foster sucks. He's like a poor man's Jamaal Charles.
#14 New York Giants - I wasn't a fan of the Giants this year in the beginning, and now you pile on all these defensive injuries and it's going to be even rougher for them (both their first and second round picks, both defenders, are out for the year probably, there cornerbacks are out for the year, and they'll likely be without both starting defensive ends for a few weeks). They'll be pesky and Eli will probably have a game or two where he throws for 350 and a few scores, which would be almost impossible NOT to do when you have the best WR in the game, Hakeem Nicks, running routes in front of you, but this is probably not a playoff team and definitely not any sort of serious contender.
#13 Dallas Cowboys - I'm excited to see how this team comes together because I think they have two players who have chances to be a couple of the most exciting in the league - Dez Bryant and Felix Jones. Don't forget, Darren McFadden got all the press on that Arkansas team, but Felix was right there with him and averaged more yards per carry by almost 50%. And Dez Bryant is the next Hakeem Nicks. Too bad Romo is involved.
#12 New York Jets - Another tremendously overrated team, and I don't care how many regular season games they win kicking the crap out of the Bills and Dolphins this team is terrible on offense. Terrible. Their defense might and probably will get them into the playoffs but that offense is stinkier than my softball bag which currently contains at least 5 pairs of dirty socks. Seriously in like, 3 years we will all be laughing about how the Jets though Mark Sanchez was a franchise quarterback when he's backing up Rex Grossman.
#11 St. Louis Rams - My sleeper team. I think Sam Bradford is a stud QB in the making, Stephen Jackson is one of the best all-around RBs since Thurman Thomas, Amendola and Sims-Walker give Bradford reliable targets, and Brandon Gibson is set up to have a breakout season and reach DeSean Jackson levels. I also confess I don't shit about their defense, so this could be a really stupid prediction, but I remain convinced this offense is about to breakout.
#10 Detroit Lions - Yes I'm buying in. I know it's always dangerous to jump on the same "sleeper" or "media darling" bandwagon that everybody else is on but this team just has a ton of talent at this point. Stafford looks great so far and has maybe the best wideout in the game to throw too and even though Javid Best isn't going to be Walter Payton he's not going to be Chris Perry either (I really thought Perry was going to break the curse of the 1st round Michigan RB, but alas). Donkey Kong Sue anchors a really, really good defensive line, but it, like everything else on this team, will depend on health. Nick Fairley is hurt right now and Stafford, Calvin, and Best have all proven themselves to be brittle.
#9 Tampa Bay Bucs - Another "media sleeper", but this one seems to have people more split with half loving their potential and the other half expecting them to fall off a cliff - obviously I'm in the former group. I don't really know why, I just really like Josh Freeman. He's got an unusual combination of being a pocket passer while also being a really good athlete, and you just don't see that combination all that much outside of West Canaan High. So I like it. Also like the guys they've surrounded him with in Blount and Mike Williams (the good one, not the fat one). And they're always good defensively so really, no reason they shouldn't be in the playoffs.
#8 San Diego Chargers - They're always going to be considered a contender because they play in a horrible division with a bunch of terrible teams so they're automatically going to pick up a pretty good number of wins, and that also means you'll never quite know if they're good or not until they flame out in the playoffs again. I started to write another sentence like 3 different times but they were all stupid. So this is all you're getting.
#7 Baltimore Ravens - They way I see it you basically have 7 legit Super Bowl contenders and they start right here with Baltimore. The defense is always good and keeps chugging along and Ray Rice is probably the best running back in the entire league. The biggest question, as always, is QB play and what can you count on Joe Flacco for? If he can Dilfer it for an entire year they'll be a contender, while if he can take a step up and become an actual weapon on offense they could end up being the best team in the league. Probably, though, he'll continue to suck and cost them a few games and then kill their playoff chances. Freakin' Flacco.
#6 New Orleans Saints - If they can figure out how to stop anybody they are going to be just as tough as any team in the league and could be the best in the league because Drew Brees is really incredible, especially considering none of his targets are particularly talented and yes I'm talking about you Colston. It's also nice to see they got rid of that twinkled toed dandy Reggie Bush and added a power back in Mark Ingram. Who was roundly stuffed on the final play of the game tonight from the one yard line, so maybe they should have just kept Reggie and drafted some kind of defensive player, even though that's kind of boring.
#5 Atlanta Falcons - Not really much doubt that they're going "all in" after giving up a shit ton to land Julio Jones in the draft. I think the guy is going to be a stud and him across from Roddy White gives Matt Ryan (note: stop with the Matty Ice thing) two awesome weapons, but Tony Gonzalez is getting awfully old and Michael Turner couldn't catch a pass with duct tape so there are still questions. They also had to ignore defense in order to make the offense better. They could make a pretty good run, but expect a good amount of 42-35 type games. They remind me a bit of the '98 Vikings. Moment of silence, please.
#4 Philadelphia Eagles - The only thing keeping these guys from being higher on this list is offensive line questions. They were already stacked on both offense and defense, and then added Nnamdi Asomugha and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie which is going to make them really damn hard to pass on. McCoy, Vick, Maclin, and Jackson give them an insanely high-powered offense, but if the O-Line can't protect Vick and he gets hurt they're screwed. After trading Kevin Kolb away the new back-up is Vince Young. LOL.
#3 New England Patriots - Am I crazy or is nobody talking about these guys? Once again on paper they don't exactly blow you away with the oldest wideouts in history in Ochocinco and Deion Branch and there's no definitive lead back but haven't we learned by now that the Patriots are like Wisconsin basketball? As long as Brady and Belicheck are around the players don't matter because the system is fine tuned to near perfection and they always load up on guys who fit their needs even if they aren't the best on paper - just like Bo Ryan and the Badgers. And both teams are equally as irritating. And Tom Brady and Bo Ryan look like twins.
#2 Green Bay Packers - I actually bumped them up a couple of spots after watching them dismantle the Saints because I'm starting to suspect that Aaron Rodgers might be playing this game on a whole different level than everybody else - like a Peyton Manning/Tom Brady level. That of course really sucks because I hate the Packers like people from Wisconsin hate books. Don't forget though that it isn't like they rolled through the league last year, they just hot and a little bit lucky in the playoffs. Now, if they pile up a 14-2 record or something then we're all in trouble because they're young and good and if that's the case we may be looking at a bit of a dynasty here. And if that happens the terrorists win.
#1 Pittsburgh Steelers - The most boring consistently good team ever. But they're always a Super Bowl contender and a league leader in date rape. They even have a good young running back in Mendy but he someone manages to be boring too. At least on the field, his off the field tweets about Bin Laden were pretty sweet. Thankfully they're taking a step in the right direction by moving away from old boring Hines Ward and moving on to superfly Mike Wallace who I secretly love. Plus that defense is always awesome, and always the most likely to kill someone on the field someday.
NFC Playoff teams: Rams, Eagles, Packers, Saints, Bucs, Falcons
AFC Playoff teams: Steelers, Chargers, Patriots, Texans, Ravens, Jets
NFC championship: Falcons over Packers
AFC championship: Steelers over Patriots
Superbowl: Steelers over Falcons
#32 Seattle Seahawks - I can't come up with a single redeeming thing for this team outside of Marcus Trufant and that the all-time face of their franchise is a white WR. Every single player on this team is a complete retread and not even the good kind. Who's their best player? Marshawn Lynch? Just brutal. And are they really planning on building the offense around T-Jax and Sid Rice? Seriously, if Rice breaks 800 yards receiving I'll volunteer to sleep with the girlfriends of every blog reader, just to teach myself a lesson. Seriously though, he won't get 800. 600 would be surprising.
#31 Buffalo Bills - They might win fewer games than Seattle based on the team's divisions but I think they're just slightly better. Which they should be since they've been rebuilding for 10 years at least at this point. Now C.J. Spiller is a bust and Ryan Fitzpatrick is still their quarterback. Looks like everything is going according to plan. Oh, and Stevie Johnson is a mirage who is terrible. FACT.
#30 Cincinnati Bengals - They get the edge over these other two shitboxes merely because they should at least be a little bit fun since they have rookie Andy Dalton starting at QB, rookie A.J. Green at WR, and some other youngsters sprinkled about. You'll at least be able to imagine a successful future while watching a terrible season. And all the while Carson Palmer will be sitting in a penthouse somewhere drinking bourbon, stroking his cat, and cackling maniacally. There will also probably be a roomful of strippers involved there somewhere. Maybe a Kardashian. What am I, his biographer?
#29 Washington Redskins - Somebody want to tell me why there isn't more negative energy being tossed at this group of sad sacks? Look at this roster. There best offensive player is either Santana Moss, who is 50 years old and has been consistently slightly above mediocre for 10 years, or Tim Hightower who couldn't beat out Beanie Wells or a retardedly old Edge James to win a starting job. That's it. A couple decent defensive players I guess, but both Fred Smoot and Rex Grossman are involved, so that's probably not what you really want.
#28 San Francisco 49ers - Alex Smith? Really? Again? I guess there's something to be said for loyalty but at this point it's kind of like that chick who keeps falling down the stairs and running into door knobs but keeps coming back for more. Actually that part is commendable. Never mind. Anyway it sucks because Frank Gore and Patrick Willis deserve better. I also just checked their depth chart and apparently Ted Ginn beat out both Braylon Edwards and Michael Crabtree for the starting flanker role, so that can't be good. Nice career, Crabtree. This guy is more disappointing than my life. If anybody is in a fantasy keeper league and owns him they should probably try to trade him immediately, probably to someone dumb like me. (Bear -> text me).
#27 Miami Dolphins - Did you draft any Dolphins in your fantasy league? Because if you did something must gone spectacularly wrong. This whole Chad Henne vortex they've somehow trapped themselves in is fascinating. How many years are you going to go, "Well, I guess we'll go with Henne." It's fascinating. It's like watching someone convince himself to hit on a 17. Oh, wait, never mind. I forgot they signed Reggie Bush, and that's probably the answer. 11 wins, minimum.
#26 Carolina Panthers - based on some of the other power rankings I've looked at I'm overrating these guys but I'm pretty positive that I'm right and they're wrong. All the other teams I have worse than them have no discernible strength, while the Panthers have two kick-as RBs. That's more than any of these other shitheads have. Who really cares whether it's Claussen or Newton - they're both going to suck and both going to have good moments, but both will spend most of their time handing off. One thing's certain - I'm looking way forward to all the racial issues the media can dig up on the Newton/Claussen QB controversey. Should be a riot.
#25 Cleveland Browns - It amazes me that people think Peyton Hillis is good. He's like, a poor man's Mike Alstott and Alstott was overrated. Just another overhyped white dude who everybody loves because he's such a gamer and plays the game the right way. Chris Berman must have a constant erection knowing he's in the league. Guess what? Montario Hardesty is 10x better, he just can't stop getting hurt. He's like the black Fred Taylor.
#24 Jacksonville Jaguars - Speaking of Fred Taylor we might as well put the Jags here, although I'm thinking they might actually be worse than this especially since their QB controversy is going to be between Luke McCown and Blaine Gabbert this year. And, by the way, if Gabbert can't win that one by week 4 they might as well just try to trade him because Luke McCown has got to be the shittiest QB in the league since T.J. Rubely.
#23 Denver Broncos - This ranking is only assuming they start Kyle Orton, if they switch it over to Tim Tebow they're probably a top 5 team. What? You're not buying it? Why do you hate America and Jesus? What did apple pie do to you? Why are you so afraid of a successful athlete who is also deeply religious? You just wait until the first time he throws and errant pass and magical baby santa jesus reaches down and moves the ball with his mind just like Carrie over the d-back and into the hands of sexy Eric Decker for a TD. Tebow's combination of grittiness, hustlitude, gamership, and magic god powers is something we've never seen before in this league. If whoever the Denver coach can handle the awesome power and responsibility of handling this awesome power the rest of the league is fucked. Because they all love Satan.
#22 Oakland Raiders - I have no idea how the Raiders ended up this high. I think I forgot about them until now. This is a terrible team who lost its best player and is still starting Jason Campbell at QB, the same Campbell who couldn't hold off Rex Grossman. And when Campbell inevitably fails, partially because he's throwing to Darius Heyward-Bay and Jacoby Ford who are fast but can't be definitively proven to have arms, who's waiting in the wings to save the day? Kyle Boller! But never fear because they also used a third round pick next year on Terrelle Pryor! Seriously, what a train wreck. And they keep effing around with the one good thing they have in McFadden. I think they need to contract the Raiders. We have too many football teams anyway.
#21 Kansas City Chiefs - Holy crap are these guys getting way too much credit. Still Matt Cassel, right? He and Dwayne Bowe both suck. Once team's realized Bowe was the only decent receiver he was completely unable to get open at the end of the year. Guess who their #2 WR is this year? Nobody knows because they all suck. You know who else sucks? Jamaal Charles. Why is everyone making out with him this year? He's terrible. The Chiefs have a good line and that's the entire reason he had any success last year. Can they repeat? Who knows, but it's doubtful, especially once teams realize you could just have Cassel and Bowe play catch on the sidelines and they'd probably complete less than 50% of their passes, even fewer after Bowe got bored. Suck-time.
#20 Tennessee Titans - This team might have a little bit of sleeper potential, if only because they have 2 weapons who can score from anywhere at any time in Chris Johnson and Kenny Britt. Of course, Britt is also at least a 50/50 shot to land in jail at some point this year so who really knows?
#19 Arizona Cardinals - Let the Kevin Kolb era begin! How exciting. A crappy back-up QB who has shown flashes of brilliance is jumped on by a team desperate for QB help that gives up way too much to land him. Scott Mitchell, anybody? I really hope not because I'm going to have to ride Kolb in our keeper league until Peyton "Morneau" Manning gets his shit together, but I feel like there's a whole lot more confidence in Kolb than there probably should be. Plus he's on the Cardinals, where QBs go to die unless they strongly believe their lord and savior will save and protect them like Kurt Warner did. Anybody know if Kolb is a holy roller? This is important.
#18 Chicago Bears - The single greatest travesty in our lifetime is that these guys won the division last year. Between them and Seattle the NFC playoffs last season had to have been the weakest crop of all-time. And there's really no reason for optimism. Roy Williams is the big upgrade? That's the big change? A guy who has already burned out on two other teams, both of which gave him situations where he should have/could have flourished? Gross. And I even like Jay Cutler but when you're giving him Williams, a kick returner, and two sub-par wideouts (Bennett and Knox) to throw to? Gross. Plus they got rid of G-Reg. There's just nothing here.
#17 Minnesota Vikings - Hell I don't know, right here seems about right. They aren't going to be a playoff team but they should be better than the crappy Bears just based on having A.P. alone. I don't know what McNabb has left but he at least takes them from a rebuilding worthless year to having an outside longshot at a playoff berth. If the o-line can figure out to play that is. Most likely scenario is McNabb is out with a broken leg by Week 6 and we get to very quickly see exactly what they have in Ponder. My guess is a nerdier Colt McCoy.
#16 Indianapolis Colts - I have no idea how to slot this team with all the Manning hullabaloo so I'll just place them right in the middle. When/if Manning plays they're a top 5 team, without him they're a bottom 5 team - which is pretty amazing in and of itself. So many ways this could play out, but what I'm envisioning is that they completely suck with Collins to nightmarish levels and Peyton isn't ready to play until around week 8 or so when they're already 1-7. Why play him then? Just continue on this season and get the #1 or #2 draft pick and get an immediate impact guy for next year - just like what the Spurs did with David Robinson and ended up with Tim Duncan. [note: I am seeing now that everyone is making this comparison, but I'm leaving it in because it's perfect.] Won't be quite the same since one guy (except maybe QB) can't have anywhere near the impact on a football team as a basketball team, but same principle. Andrew Luck, Manning heir apparent? Could be.
#15 Houston Texans - This is the year the Texans finally take that next step ha ha ha ha who am I kidding? I think everyone who has ever written about Houston in the last 3-4 years has started their writings with those same 11 words and we're still waiting. I think we always will be. There must be something inside of Schaub that's broken because he can put up big numbers, he's got great weapons (AJ and Owen Daniels are both among the best), but they just can't get over the hump. Maybe it's a curse. I don't know what it is but on paper they look like a contender every year, and then every year they go out and lose. Oh, and Arian Foster sucks. He's like a poor man's Jamaal Charles.
#14 New York Giants - I wasn't a fan of the Giants this year in the beginning, and now you pile on all these defensive injuries and it's going to be even rougher for them (both their first and second round picks, both defenders, are out for the year probably, there cornerbacks are out for the year, and they'll likely be without both starting defensive ends for a few weeks). They'll be pesky and Eli will probably have a game or two where he throws for 350 and a few scores, which would be almost impossible NOT to do when you have the best WR in the game, Hakeem Nicks, running routes in front of you, but this is probably not a playoff team and definitely not any sort of serious contender.
#13 Dallas Cowboys - I'm excited to see how this team comes together because I think they have two players who have chances to be a couple of the most exciting in the league - Dez Bryant and Felix Jones. Don't forget, Darren McFadden got all the press on that Arkansas team, but Felix was right there with him and averaged more yards per carry by almost 50%. And Dez Bryant is the next Hakeem Nicks. Too bad Romo is involved.
#12 New York Jets - Another tremendously overrated team, and I don't care how many regular season games they win kicking the crap out of the Bills and Dolphins this team is terrible on offense. Terrible. Their defense might and probably will get them into the playoffs but that offense is stinkier than my softball bag which currently contains at least 5 pairs of dirty socks. Seriously in like, 3 years we will all be laughing about how the Jets though Mark Sanchez was a franchise quarterback when he's backing up Rex Grossman.
#11 St. Louis Rams - My sleeper team. I think Sam Bradford is a stud QB in the making, Stephen Jackson is one of the best all-around RBs since Thurman Thomas, Amendola and Sims-Walker give Bradford reliable targets, and Brandon Gibson is set up to have a breakout season and reach DeSean Jackson levels. I also confess I don't shit about their defense, so this could be a really stupid prediction, but I remain convinced this offense is about to breakout.
#10 Detroit Lions - Yes I'm buying in. I know it's always dangerous to jump on the same "sleeper" or "media darling" bandwagon that everybody else is on but this team just has a ton of talent at this point. Stafford looks great so far and has maybe the best wideout in the game to throw too and even though Javid Best isn't going to be Walter Payton he's not going to be Chris Perry either (I really thought Perry was going to break the curse of the 1st round Michigan RB, but alas). Donkey Kong Sue anchors a really, really good defensive line, but it, like everything else on this team, will depend on health. Nick Fairley is hurt right now and Stafford, Calvin, and Best have all proven themselves to be brittle.
#9 Tampa Bay Bucs - Another "media sleeper", but this one seems to have people more split with half loving their potential and the other half expecting them to fall off a cliff - obviously I'm in the former group. I don't really know why, I just really like Josh Freeman. He's got an unusual combination of being a pocket passer while also being a really good athlete, and you just don't see that combination all that much outside of West Canaan High. So I like it. Also like the guys they've surrounded him with in Blount and Mike Williams (the good one, not the fat one). And they're always good defensively so really, no reason they shouldn't be in the playoffs.
#8 San Diego Chargers - They're always going to be considered a contender because they play in a horrible division with a bunch of terrible teams so they're automatically going to pick up a pretty good number of wins, and that also means you'll never quite know if they're good or not until they flame out in the playoffs again. I started to write another sentence like 3 different times but they were all stupid. So this is all you're getting.
#7 Baltimore Ravens - They way I see it you basically have 7 legit Super Bowl contenders and they start right here with Baltimore. The defense is always good and keeps chugging along and Ray Rice is probably the best running back in the entire league. The biggest question, as always, is QB play and what can you count on Joe Flacco for? If he can Dilfer it for an entire year they'll be a contender, while if he can take a step up and become an actual weapon on offense they could end up being the best team in the league. Probably, though, he'll continue to suck and cost them a few games and then kill their playoff chances. Freakin' Flacco.
#6 New Orleans Saints - If they can figure out how to stop anybody they are going to be just as tough as any team in the league and could be the best in the league because Drew Brees is really incredible, especially considering none of his targets are particularly talented and yes I'm talking about you Colston. It's also nice to see they got rid of that twinkled toed dandy Reggie Bush and added a power back in Mark Ingram. Who was roundly stuffed on the final play of the game tonight from the one yard line, so maybe they should have just kept Reggie and drafted some kind of defensive player, even though that's kind of boring.
#5 Atlanta Falcons - Not really much doubt that they're going "all in" after giving up a shit ton to land Julio Jones in the draft. I think the guy is going to be a stud and him across from Roddy White gives Matt Ryan (note: stop with the Matty Ice thing) two awesome weapons, but Tony Gonzalez is getting awfully old and Michael Turner couldn't catch a pass with duct tape so there are still questions. They also had to ignore defense in order to make the offense better. They could make a pretty good run, but expect a good amount of 42-35 type games. They remind me a bit of the '98 Vikings. Moment of silence, please.
#4 Philadelphia Eagles - The only thing keeping these guys from being higher on this list is offensive line questions. They were already stacked on both offense and defense, and then added Nnamdi Asomugha and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie which is going to make them really damn hard to pass on. McCoy, Vick, Maclin, and Jackson give them an insanely high-powered offense, but if the O-Line can't protect Vick and he gets hurt they're screwed. After trading Kevin Kolb away the new back-up is Vince Young. LOL.
#3 New England Patriots - Am I crazy or is nobody talking about these guys? Once again on paper they don't exactly blow you away with the oldest wideouts in history in Ochocinco and Deion Branch and there's no definitive lead back but haven't we learned by now that the Patriots are like Wisconsin basketball? As long as Brady and Belicheck are around the players don't matter because the system is fine tuned to near perfection and they always load up on guys who fit their needs even if they aren't the best on paper - just like Bo Ryan and the Badgers. And both teams are equally as irritating. And Tom Brady and Bo Ryan look like twins.
#2 Green Bay Packers - I actually bumped them up a couple of spots after watching them dismantle the Saints because I'm starting to suspect that Aaron Rodgers might be playing this game on a whole different level than everybody else - like a Peyton Manning/Tom Brady level. That of course really sucks because I hate the Packers like people from Wisconsin hate books. Don't forget though that it isn't like they rolled through the league last year, they just hot and a little bit lucky in the playoffs. Now, if they pile up a 14-2 record or something then we're all in trouble because they're young and good and if that's the case we may be looking at a bit of a dynasty here. And if that happens the terrorists win.
#1 Pittsburgh Steelers - The most boring consistently good team ever. But they're always a Super Bowl contender and a league leader in date rape. They even have a good young running back in Mendy but he someone manages to be boring too. At least on the field, his off the field tweets about Bin Laden were pretty sweet. Thankfully they're taking a step in the right direction by moving away from old boring Hines Ward and moving on to superfly Mike Wallace who I secretly love. Plus that defense is always awesome, and always the most likely to kill someone on the field someday.
NFC Playoff teams: Rams, Eagles, Packers, Saints, Bucs, Falcons
AFC Playoff teams: Steelers, Chargers, Patriots, Texans, Ravens, Jets
NFC championship: Falcons over Packers
AFC championship: Steelers over Patriots
Superbowl: Steelers over Falcons
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Trip in Review
Alright then. The Trip of a LifetimeTM is over and it was awesome. The highlights/lowlights:
1. Fenway is kind of a dump. It sounds almost sacrilegious to say since there's so much history there (I mean the greatest player ever Ty Cobb played there for christ's sake) but at the same time it's also should be kind of obvious. The place was built in 1912 and, despite some renovations to put in more seats and what not, there's really not that much you can change. It was awesome to see (second time for me, first for the other two) and we did get to see Ian Kinsler put one over the monster, but maybe it was because I've been there before or maybe it was because the Sox never bothered to show up and were out of it from the first inning, but it was a little bit underwhelming. Still, it's the kind of place every baseball fan should see, the atmosphere was cool both at the park and around it (we ate at The Cask & Flagon - big time Sox bar, try the calamari), and since it was the 700th consecutive sell-out at Fenway we all go souvenir baseballs. Pretty cool (currently selling for around $6 on ebay).
2. Harvard is full of liberal arts hippies. I learned this from a friend of Snacks' who we met for lunch in Cambridge. We made some crack about bars having equations on the walls, a joke we must have made 40 times, and he said, "Not at Harvard. They can't do math at Harvard, everyone is in liberal arts, I don't even think they have an engineering school. The actual smart kids all go to MIT." I'm now looking at Harvard in a whole new, and much more worthless, light. Single best piece of information we learned on the trip.
We also were able to find Shay's,
which is one of my favorite bars in the world. I'm not sure why, it doesn't exactly look like much, but I have fond memories of the trip I took to Boston with the missus and we spent some time here after watching the Harvard/Cornell football game (a game where both teams played spread offense which blew my mind). It also sticks in my mind because this is where I watched Torii Hunter dive for, and miss, a line drive that drove a dagger into my tiny black heart. We left immediately afterwards.
3. The HOF is truly in the middle of nowhere. And I mean really, truly. It's like driving around Aitkin, MN or random butthole county, WI only if it took you four hours to get there. More than once we cracked jokes about how there was no way we were in the right place, and as time passed and it looked more and more country/redneck I think the joke's almost became a new version of whistling as you walk passed a graveyard, but luckily we made it. And there's nothing there except baseball. Every store and every restaurant is baseball-themed, so it was pretty cool, even if we didn't have time to linger.
We did, of course, spend several hours in the Hall and it really doesn't disappoint. Don't get me wrong, most of the stuff you're looking at/reading about happened not only before Snacks and I were born but a lot happened even before our dad was born so you really have to be a pretty hardcore baseball history nerd to really dig it, but luckily I am and the old man is and Snacks is probably a 0.75 or so, so we all enjoyed it. There's basically a little bit of everything from every team, every era, and every stadium so it's like an educational tour but with some kick-ass visual aids like Honus Wagner's baseball card that I wanted to steal. I actually think every baseball fan would enjoy it, but if you know the difference between Lefty Grove and Lefty Gomez, the difference between Al Kaline and Ralph Kiner, and Josh Gibson and Bob Gibson, you owe it to yourself to go. If nothing else, you'll get to admire Cooperstown's ultra modern gas pumps:
4. The Yankee Stadium Experience was awesome. Yes, I hate the Yankees just like everyone should, but when they built the new stadium they did it right and that entire experience was awesome except that apparently in New York you can't get a beer before noon on Sunday. +1 point for Minnestoa. Anyway, the place just blows you away with its size, both inside and outside, but the concourse is actually really nice and modern. Similar to Target Field and the other newer stadiums, or at least the ones I've been to, you can easily walk around taking in the sites of the stadium and still watch the game - a big issue at Fenway. It was also pretty cool to watch how the dudes in the right field bleachers (the drunks who are poor) chant each Yankee players' name who is in the field until the player acknowledges them. It's the kind of thing that sounds stupid and Yankee-ish but seeing it was actually pretty cool.
What was not pretty cool was Jon Rauch, and although I may be overreacting a little bit here I hope he falls in a giant vat of fire and snakes. The one thing I said before this trip started was that if I could see one thing I'd like to see Mariano Rivera come into the game in the ninth with Enter Sandman playing. I just think it'd be awesome. So the game we're at the Yankees lead by 3 going into the top of the 8th. Jose Bautista hits a home run so now it's just a 2-run game and Rivera is up in the pen. Awesome. Toronto brings in Rauch, who proceeds to give up a 2-run bomb to Swisher and Rivera was sitting back down before the ball even cleared the fence. Thus depriving us of a truly awesome experience, and adding another tally to Rauch's ledger in my book of enemies.
Note to Snacks: Don't watch this. I did, and I am now seriously considering driving to wherever Toronto is playing and stabbing Rauch with a spoon.
5. New Yorkers are nicer than Bostonians. I did not see this one coming but I guess I should have based on the class of douchebag you can see in Boston rather routinely, but specifically I'm talking people in the service industry here. I talked about the Boston dinks in a prior post, but really they were all kind of jerks. We knew things would be different when we stopped near Schenectady at a city whose name I don't remember on our way to Cooperstown for lunch and the bartender girl was like, super nice. We chalked it up to being a kind of small town, but then it didn't matter where we went as long as we were on the New York side of the border people were nice and helpful. Even in downtown NYC not far from Times Square we went to some English bar where we were forced to watch New Zealand demolish Canada in either rugby or Australian rules football. At one point Snacks asked the waiter about a beer and she hadn't tried it, but rather than acting like an overaggressive douchebag like the guy in Boston she actually seemed apologetic and was all smiley and shit like that. I really didn't see this coming, but it's not even close: New Yorkers are nicer than Boston people. FACT.
6. New York Pizza is overrated. You know how if you go to Chicago and get Chicago style pizza even if you're not necessarily a fan of deep dish, which I'm not, you get it? Like, you get why people go crazy for it and it's really quite good? Yeah, New York style is kind of meh. Maybe we didn't go to the best place but we knew we wanted NY-style pizza and then we saw Famous Original Ray's and being Seinfeld fans we had to head in and try it. Meh. Give me my thin crust cut in squares any day - midwest style rules. [note: I have recently been informed by an actual New Yorker that judging New York pizza based on Famous Original Ray's is similar to judging it by Sbarro. Ouch. Screwed that one up.]
Speaking of Seinfeld, we also saw the place that the Soup Nazi was based on. We didn't go in, because we didn't want soup or to get yelled at, but Snacks got a picture. Anyway, since we're both Seinfeld fans (and anyone who isn't probably enjoys watching Ghost Hunters) catching these couple landmarks made the trip just that much better. We kept our eyes open but didn't see anything else - not even a Jerk Store.
7. My dad got hit on by an annoying old gay guy who wouldn't shut up. So then we had to leave (not because my dad was offended by a gay guy but because this guy seriously would not leave him - and by extension all of us - alone) and ended up finding a great bar called Rumor. So everyone wins. Except the old gay dude. And whoever he ended up picking up that night. That guy is the real loser.
8. Here are some other random pictures. I included comments because you are dumb.
This is the Boston Beer Works. This is where Snacks had that nancy beer. Confession: it was good.
This is a picture of the Green Monster and gives you an idea of where our seats were. Apparently there was a home run hit almost here at some point but we weren't there because the Sox pitchers decided to walk everybody and we went to go check out the rest of stadium. Verdict: festive dump.
This is the inside of Fenway. Yuck.
This is the second best shirt we saw on our trip (behind the "Jeter wears Wine Coolers" shirt. I almost bought this until I realized that just because I laughed at a shirt didn't mean I'd ever wear it. Also between this and the Wine Cooler shirt it's clear that Bostonions are better at shirt making. The most clever shirt I saw in New York was one that said "Bahstan Sahks Cawkh." Not exactly Joycian.
This is a picture of Joe Mauer and I'm not exactly sure why it's in here other than that this freakin' sally is in the hall way too much. Like this:
And this:
Plus he's in their welcome video twice. Ridiculous, especially now. He's like the next Peyton Manning or Nicole Eggert - it's over. Also pictured in that last one: Jeff Reardon. The biggest dickhead I've ever met. Nice job robbing a bank, ass. Even fuckin' Keanu could pulled that off.
I really, really could have done without this. Still, seemed fitting.
This is Yankee Stadium as you walk up. It is super, super big. Almost too big and super impressive. Funny thing is that is exactly what your girlfriend said to me the first time I dropped by pants in front of her.
Yankee from the inside. I got nothing else to add. This thing is a monster in a wonderful way. Like Avril Lavigne.
Mariano warming up. Little did we know this was as close as we'd get.
Thanks to this fucking guy.
Finally, this might be my favorite picture of the entire trip, taken in the wilderness of upstate New York somewheres. And if you don't know why, I both pity and hate you. Mostly hate. But also pity.
In conclusion this was the awesomest trip ever and I'm super glad we did it. If you haven't it's clear that I'm much better than you, so, I guess, in your face.
1. Fenway is kind of a dump. It sounds almost sacrilegious to say since there's so much history there (I mean the greatest player ever Ty Cobb played there for christ's sake) but at the same time it's also should be kind of obvious. The place was built in 1912 and, despite some renovations to put in more seats and what not, there's really not that much you can change. It was awesome to see (second time for me, first for the other two) and we did get to see Ian Kinsler put one over the monster, but maybe it was because I've been there before or maybe it was because the Sox never bothered to show up and were out of it from the first inning, but it was a little bit underwhelming. Still, it's the kind of place every baseball fan should see, the atmosphere was cool both at the park and around it (we ate at The Cask & Flagon - big time Sox bar, try the calamari), and since it was the 700th consecutive sell-out at Fenway we all go souvenir baseballs. Pretty cool (currently selling for around $6 on ebay).
2. Harvard is full of liberal arts hippies. I learned this from a friend of Snacks' who we met for lunch in Cambridge. We made some crack about bars having equations on the walls, a joke we must have made 40 times, and he said, "Not at Harvard. They can't do math at Harvard, everyone is in liberal arts, I don't even think they have an engineering school. The actual smart kids all go to MIT." I'm now looking at Harvard in a whole new, and much more worthless, light. Single best piece of information we learned on the trip.
We also were able to find Shay's,
3. The HOF is truly in the middle of nowhere. And I mean really, truly. It's like driving around Aitkin, MN or random butthole county, WI only if it took you four hours to get there. More than once we cracked jokes about how there was no way we were in the right place, and as time passed and it looked more and more country/redneck I think the joke's almost became a new version of whistling as you walk passed a graveyard, but luckily we made it. And there's nothing there except baseball. Every store and every restaurant is baseball-themed, so it was pretty cool, even if we didn't have time to linger.
We did, of course, spend several hours in the Hall and it really doesn't disappoint. Don't get me wrong, most of the stuff you're looking at/reading about happened not only before Snacks and I were born but a lot happened even before our dad was born so you really have to be a pretty hardcore baseball history nerd to really dig it, but luckily I am and the old man is and Snacks is probably a 0.75 or so, so we all enjoyed it. There's basically a little bit of everything from every team, every era, and every stadium so it's like an educational tour but with some kick-ass visual aids like Honus Wagner's baseball card that I wanted to steal. I actually think every baseball fan would enjoy it, but if you know the difference between Lefty Grove and Lefty Gomez, the difference between Al Kaline and Ralph Kiner, and Josh Gibson and Bob Gibson, you owe it to yourself to go. If nothing else, you'll get to admire Cooperstown's ultra modern gas pumps:
4. The Yankee Stadium Experience was awesome. Yes, I hate the Yankees just like everyone should, but when they built the new stadium they did it right and that entire experience was awesome except that apparently in New York you can't get a beer before noon on Sunday. +1 point for Minnestoa. Anyway, the place just blows you away with its size, both inside and outside, but the concourse is actually really nice and modern. Similar to Target Field and the other newer stadiums, or at least the ones I've been to, you can easily walk around taking in the sites of the stadium and still watch the game - a big issue at Fenway. It was also pretty cool to watch how the dudes in the right field bleachers (the drunks who are poor) chant each Yankee players' name who is in the field until the player acknowledges them. It's the kind of thing that sounds stupid and Yankee-ish but seeing it was actually pretty cool.
What was not pretty cool was Jon Rauch, and although I may be overreacting a little bit here I hope he falls in a giant vat of fire and snakes. The one thing I said before this trip started was that if I could see one thing I'd like to see Mariano Rivera come into the game in the ninth with Enter Sandman playing. I just think it'd be awesome. So the game we're at the Yankees lead by 3 going into the top of the 8th. Jose Bautista hits a home run so now it's just a 2-run game and Rivera is up in the pen. Awesome. Toronto brings in Rauch, who proceeds to give up a 2-run bomb to Swisher and Rivera was sitting back down before the ball even cleared the fence. Thus depriving us of a truly awesome experience, and adding another tally to Rauch's ledger in my book of enemies.
Note to Snacks: Don't watch this. I did, and I am now seriously considering driving to wherever Toronto is playing and stabbing Rauch with a spoon.
5. New Yorkers are nicer than Bostonians. I did not see this one coming but I guess I should have based on the class of douchebag you can see in Boston rather routinely, but specifically I'm talking people in the service industry here. I talked about the Boston dinks in a prior post, but really they were all kind of jerks. We knew things would be different when we stopped near Schenectady at a city whose name I don't remember on our way to Cooperstown for lunch and the bartender girl was like, super nice. We chalked it up to being a kind of small town, but then it didn't matter where we went as long as we were on the New York side of the border people were nice and helpful. Even in downtown NYC not far from Times Square we went to some English bar where we were forced to watch New Zealand demolish Canada in either rugby or Australian rules football. At one point Snacks asked the waiter about a beer and she hadn't tried it, but rather than acting like an overaggressive douchebag like the guy in Boston she actually seemed apologetic and was all smiley and shit like that. I really didn't see this coming, but it's not even close: New Yorkers are nicer than Boston people. FACT.
6. New York Pizza is overrated. You know how if you go to Chicago and get Chicago style pizza even if you're not necessarily a fan of deep dish, which I'm not, you get it? Like, you get why people go crazy for it and it's really quite good? Yeah, New York style is kind of meh. Maybe we didn't go to the best place but we knew we wanted NY-style pizza and then we saw Famous Original Ray's and being Seinfeld fans we had to head in and try it. Meh. Give me my thin crust cut in squares any day - midwest style rules. [note: I have recently been informed by an actual New Yorker that judging New York pizza based on Famous Original Ray's is similar to judging it by Sbarro. Ouch. Screwed that one up.]
Speaking of Seinfeld, we also saw the place that the Soup Nazi was based on. We didn't go in, because we didn't want soup or to get yelled at, but Snacks got a picture. Anyway, since we're both Seinfeld fans (and anyone who isn't probably enjoys watching Ghost Hunters) catching these couple landmarks made the trip just that much better. We kept our eyes open but didn't see anything else - not even a Jerk Store.
7. My dad got hit on by an annoying old gay guy who wouldn't shut up. So then we had to leave (not because my dad was offended by a gay guy but because this guy seriously would not leave him - and by extension all of us - alone) and ended up finding a great bar called Rumor. So everyone wins. Except the old gay dude. And whoever he ended up picking up that night. That guy is the real loser.
8. Here are some other random pictures. I included comments because you are dumb.
This is the Boston Beer Works. This is where Snacks had that nancy beer. Confession: it was good.
This is a picture of the Green Monster and gives you an idea of where our seats were. Apparently there was a home run hit almost here at some point but we weren't there because the Sox pitchers decided to walk everybody and we went to go check out the rest of stadium. Verdict: festive dump.
This is the inside of Fenway. Yuck.
This is the second best shirt we saw on our trip (behind the "Jeter wears Wine Coolers" shirt. I almost bought this until I realized that just because I laughed at a shirt didn't mean I'd ever wear it. Also between this and the Wine Cooler shirt it's clear that Bostonions are better at shirt making. The most clever shirt I saw in New York was one that said "Bahstan Sahks Cawkh." Not exactly Joycian.
This is a picture of Joe Mauer and I'm not exactly sure why it's in here other than that this freakin' sally is in the hall way too much. Like this:
And this:
Plus he's in their welcome video twice. Ridiculous, especially now. He's like the next Peyton Manning or Nicole Eggert - it's over. Also pictured in that last one: Jeff Reardon. The biggest dickhead I've ever met. Nice job robbing a bank, ass. Even fuckin' Keanu could pulled that off.
I really, really could have done without this. Still, seemed fitting.
This is Yankee Stadium as you walk up. It is super, super big. Almost too big and super impressive. Funny thing is that is exactly what your girlfriend said to me the first time I dropped by pants in front of her.
YYankee from the inside. I got nothing else to add. This thing is a monster in a wonderful way. Like Avril Lavigne.
Mariano warming up. Little did we know this was as close as we'd get.
Thanks to this fucking guy.
Finally, this might be my favorite picture of the entire trip, taken in the wilderness of upstate New York somewheres. And if you don't know why, I both pity and hate you. Mostly hate. But also pity.
In conclusion this was the awesomest trip ever and I'm super glad we did it. If you haven't it's clear that I'm much better than you, so, I guess, in your face.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Yeah, yeah. Stuff coming.
I know I haven't posted in a while, but I promise I will tomorrow. I will have a complete trip wrap-up and my NFL picks over the next two days. It's just been a whirlwind. After Fenway we went to bars, then woke up early the next morning and drove 5 hours to Cooperstown, then drove three hours back that night to Poughkeepsie, then got up at 7:30 the next morning and drove to New York and did NYC stuff, then got up the next morning to fly home and had a fantasy auction that night and a fantasy draft tonight. So yeah, it's been busy. I'll get around to it.
Tonight's draft was interesting because it's a "family league" and I co-own a team with Mrs. W. In order to keep her interest as long as possible I let her draft a bunch of players for our team by giving her a list of of players and letting her pick. Tonight, I think because I was fairly burned out and also because I wanted to punch my kids I gave her more leeway than usual. She decided tonight, between pounding Chardonnay, that she'd pick guys who had "annoying names." We ended up with a LaSean, a DeSean, and a Marshawn, along with Santonio, Hakeem, Marcedes, Jordy, Sebastian, and Willis McGahee (because "McGahhe is annoying because it should just be McGee, dammit.") Good times.
Also, did you know Joe Benson is white? This isn't quite like when I learned Lew Ford was white, but it's close.
Tonight's draft was interesting because it's a "family league" and I co-own a team with Mrs. W. In order to keep her interest as long as possible I let her draft a bunch of players for our team by giving her a list of of players and letting her pick. Tonight, I think because I was fairly burned out and also because I wanted to punch my kids I gave her more leeway than usual. She decided tonight, between pounding Chardonnay, that she'd pick guys who had "annoying names." We ended up with a LaSean, a DeSean, and a Marshawn, along with Santonio, Hakeem, Marcedes, Jordy, Sebastian, and Willis McGahee (because "McGahhe is annoying because it should just be McGee, dammit.") Good times.
Also, did you know Joe Benson is white? This isn't quite like when I learned Lew Ford was white, but it's close.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Snacks is a Dandy
1. Check out this beer Snacks ordered last night. I've never seen this before ever:
2. Guess how many shirts Snacks packed for this trip, keeping in mind we're only out here 4 days. I'll give you a hint - it's 15. Fifteen shirts. And they all have collars. Fancy boy. Might as well be a Harvard man. Which, we learned earlier today, means that he can't do math because all Harvard students are fancy dirty hippies who major in liberal arts and don't eat meat because they're misguided liked Super Sioux Fan. Smart kids to go MIT. Fact.
Heading to Fenway now. Hopefully these tickets Snacks got from some site that isn't Stub Hub aren't printed on some sort of cracker.
2. Guess how many shirts Snacks packed for this trip, keeping in mind we're only out here 4 days. I'll give you a hint - it's 15. Fifteen shirts. And they all have collars. Fancy boy. Might as well be a Harvard man. Which, we learned earlier today, means that he can't do math because all Harvard students are fancy dirty hippies who major in liberal arts and don't eat meat because they're misguided liked Super Sioux Fan. Smart kids to go MIT. Fact.
Heading to Fenway now. Hopefully these tickets Snacks got from some site that isn't Stub Hub aren't printed on some sort of cracker.
Day 1 Boston Recap
And Day 2 dawns at 10am. Not bad, considering we were up at 4am and hit 8 bars throughout the day (Bell in Hand, Cheers, The Reef, Hub Pub, Green Dragon Tavern, Boston Sports Grille, Beer Works, and The Beantown Pub).
Perhaps the best thing about this trip so far has been how my dad is acting like a little kid. He had to sit by the window on the plane, and as we were coming in to land he asked "where is the ocean?" He's also been bouncing around like a little kid. It's actually quite endearing.
And what have we done? Well, we checked into our hotel (not before being accosted by a probably homeless and definitely crazy man who kept claiming to be Britney Spears - I'm not making this up) which is kind of like The Overlook crossed with the Mirage. It's got like, and old but classy vibe, much like Suzanne Sommers . But with way worse boobs.
First order of business was to get some lunch, and I couldn't have been looking more forward to it. The Bell in Hand is the oldest continually running bar in the United States and also has the world's best fish and chips. I had it about 4-5 years ago when I came here with the missus, and couldn't wait to try it again. Did not disappoint. Absolutely fantastic.
We then had to check out the replica Cheers since my dad is such a huge fan of the show and holy god did that ever suck. That isn't a replica of anything. The bar, the literal bar, is a dead ringer for the one on the show and I think the chandeliers were similar, but that's it. I mean I guess it's pretty hard to recreate a TV set in downtown Boston, but it just felt like false advertising. It also didn't help that it took over 10 minutes to get a beer, and that the little dive bar just a couple hundred feet away that Mrs. W and I went to and loved had been turned into an ice cream shop.
This is where things could have turned ugly and I considered just breaking shit, but then we took a little walk down on the pier and let's be honest if walking by the ocean doesn't calm you down you're probably a communist. We had a quick drink at an open-air bar on the peer, and usually I hate sitting outside but because it was by the ocean and also because technically there was no inside I enjoyed myself. Also probably didn't hurt that I had an awesome blue drink that was garnished with a gummy shark that was technically a gummy fish.
And then blah blah blah. What is this a travel guide? We did some cool shit and drank a bunch of beer and still got to bed at midnight which was awesome because we were up at 4. And technically only Snacks and I were up until midnight because we had to drop the old man back off at the hotel around 10. Then we went to the last bar right by our hotel and met the angriest woman ever. She came in and sat down by us and proceeded to berate us for 5 minutes for being men. I thought she would be pretty funny and entertaining but it turned out she was just mean and stupid.
Also mean and stupid is the help in this town. Good lord, if you hate waiting on people get another job. At dinner (Union Oyster House - I had the Swordfish with Asparagus and baby reds, Snacks went with the Lobster, while Old Man W had the shrimp and scallops with rice) we had some old lady who probably used to babysit Tim Wakefield's dad and I think she took questions about the menu as a personal affront. Keep in mind these weren't complicated questions, just basics like "What's the catch of the day" and "What is the market price on Lobster." You know, things she should have told us up front.
Then later at one of the bars Snacksy asked a question about one of the local brews and the guy's answer was "I don't know, I don't drink it." Really? You have no idea? Nothing. I guess that would have been ok if he wasn't so god damned irritated. More interesting was when we were down in that area there is a huge run of bars and they were all either crowded or at least semi-crowded except one where there was absolutely nobody in there but the bartender. So weird. Literally the only person in this huge place was the bartender. I suppose once people start seeing there's nobody in there they aren't going to go in alone, but it was just bizarre and looked like a party at Super Sioux Fan's house once she announces they aren't serving meat. You don't win friends with salad.
Anyway today is Harvard and Fenway with a possible Sam Adams beer tour mixed in.
Here's some pictures:
Our hotel. Can't you just imagine this lobby filling with blood as someone chases you with an axe?
This is the best fish and chips ever from the Bell in Hand (the oldest continually operated bar in the U.S.). This is worth more to me than your life.
This is the best shirt I've ever seen. Unfortunately they only had smalls.
This is a statue of that guy from the Beastie Boys song "Paul Revere." I had no idea the band and the song were this popular here.
This is some stupid boat.
Then we got too drunk and stopped taking pictures. The end.
Perhaps the best thing about this trip so far has been how my dad is acting like a little kid. He had to sit by the window on the plane, and as we were coming in to land he asked "where is the ocean?" He's also been bouncing around like a little kid. It's actually quite endearing.
And what have we done? Well, we checked into our hotel (not before being accosted by a probably homeless and definitely crazy man who kept claiming to be Britney Spears - I'm not making this up) which is kind of like The Overlook crossed with the Mirage. It's got like, and old but classy vibe, much like Suzanne Sommers . But with way worse boobs.
First order of business was to get some lunch, and I couldn't have been looking more forward to it. The Bell in Hand is the oldest continually running bar in the United States and also has the world's best fish and chips. I had it about 4-5 years ago when I came here with the missus, and couldn't wait to try it again. Did not disappoint. Absolutely fantastic.
We then had to check out the replica Cheers since my dad is such a huge fan of the show and holy god did that ever suck. That isn't a replica of anything. The bar, the literal bar, is a dead ringer for the one on the show and I think the chandeliers were similar, but that's it. I mean I guess it's pretty hard to recreate a TV set in downtown Boston, but it just felt like false advertising. It also didn't help that it took over 10 minutes to get a beer, and that the little dive bar just a couple hundred feet away that Mrs. W and I went to and loved had been turned into an ice cream shop.
This is where things could have turned ugly and I considered just breaking shit, but then we took a little walk down on the pier and let's be honest if walking by the ocean doesn't calm you down you're probably a communist. We had a quick drink at an open-air bar on the peer, and usually I hate sitting outside but because it was by the ocean and also because technically there was no inside I enjoyed myself. Also probably didn't hurt that I had an awesome blue drink that was garnished with a gummy shark that was technically a gummy fish.
And then blah blah blah. What is this a travel guide? We did some cool shit and drank a bunch of beer and still got to bed at midnight which was awesome because we were up at 4. And technically only Snacks and I were up until midnight because we had to drop the old man back off at the hotel around 10. Then we went to the last bar right by our hotel and met the angriest woman ever. She came in and sat down by us and proceeded to berate us for 5 minutes for being men. I thought she would be pretty funny and entertaining but it turned out she was just mean and stupid.
Also mean and stupid is the help in this town. Good lord, if you hate waiting on people get another job. At dinner (Union Oyster House - I had the Swordfish with Asparagus and baby reds, Snacks went with the Lobster, while Old Man W had the shrimp and scallops with rice) we had some old lady who probably used to babysit Tim Wakefield's dad and I think she took questions about the menu as a personal affront. Keep in mind these weren't complicated questions, just basics like "What's the catch of the day" and "What is the market price on Lobster." You know, things she should have told us up front.
Then later at one of the bars Snacksy asked a question about one of the local brews and the guy's answer was "I don't know, I don't drink it." Really? You have no idea? Nothing. I guess that would have been ok if he wasn't so god damned irritated. More interesting was when we were down in that area there is a huge run of bars and they were all either crowded or at least semi-crowded except one where there was absolutely nobody in there but the bartender. So weird. Literally the only person in this huge place was the bartender. I suppose once people start seeing there's nobody in there they aren't going to go in alone, but it was just bizarre and looked like a party at Super Sioux Fan's house once she announces they aren't serving meat. You don't win friends with salad.
Anyway today is Harvard and Fenway with a possible Sam Adams beer tour mixed in.
Here's some pictures:
This is some stupid boat.
Then we got too drunk and stopped taking pictures. The end.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Welcome to Boston
I’m writing this on the plane, and thus far things have been rather uneventful, with the exception of having to wake up at 4:30 am which is always an adventure. We arrived at the airport without incident, and upon check-in the Old Man found out we were heading to Boston and confessed he was convinced L.A. was our destination, so that was stellar. Unfortunately I had to inform him that although we were going to Fenway, we weren’t going to be seeing the Yankees vs. Red Sox (he had heard on the radio they were currently playing and had suspected that might be where we were headed). It seems my father is yet another person who was fallen into the group delusion that watching the Yankees vs. Red Sox is the equivalent to seeing the Aurora Borealis located entirely within your kitchen.
We flew out on Sun Country and one major positive I was unaware of was we were given breakfast – sausage/egg/cheese mcmuffin (I of course removed the egg because I am not some savage who eats fake eggs that are probably made from recycled Styrofoam peanuts and food coloring. I also just had to ask Snacks how to spell Styrofoam. I had it as styrophome I’m so dumb just like you. Anyway, breakfast was delicious. So while Delta has cut back to the point where they don’t even offer you peanuts or pretzels, Sun Country is giving out a nice hot meal. That was a nice surprise. Not quite as nice as finding out I still have Epic – Fath No More on my ipod, but nice all the same.
I also picked up Moneyball to read on the plane. I hadn’t read it since it first came out and wanted to give it another go. I forgot how enjoyable of a read it is. If you haven’t read it and you like baseball or you like numbers or you are a nerd or some combination of all three you should pick it up. Also you can stare at Brad Pitt on the cover since he’s playing Beane in the movie, so you got that going for you. Meanwhile my dad’s over here refusing to read Game of Thrones, quitting after 3 chapters despite both of us telling him he’s got to keep going. Yeah, that Sudoku sure is compelling stuff.
Oh, and as I post this from our room I can tell you it is the size of a regular person’s master bedroom and the two beds are no bigger than my daughter’s. This should be fun.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
And Away We Go
Remember how a while back I mentioned a trip my brother (Snacks) and I were taking my dad on, but couldn't reveal where because he reads this blog while beaming with pride and I didn't want to ruin the surprise? Well we're leaving tomorrow, or today depending on when you're reading this, on a 7:10am flight to Boston. We will spend two days there, including a game at Fenway of course, before renting a car. Using said car we will drive the approximately four hours into the middle of nowhere that is Cooperstown which, of course, is home to the Baseball Hall of Fame. That evening we will drive three quarters of the way to New York City (stopping for the night in Poughkeespie) where we will take in an afternoon Yankee game on Sunday, then returning home on Monday.
The best part is the old man has no idea where we're going. My mom told me tonight that he is now convinced we are going to L.A. because both the Twins and Gophers are playing out there this weekend. Of course, he forgets that if we did that we'd have to watch both the Twins and Gopher football and I can't imagine anybody subjecting themselves to that when they're trying to have "fun." So it'll be pretty sweet. He'll of course figure out we're going to Boston when we get to the airport, and I'm pretty sure after we spend two days there he'll think it's just a long weekend in Boston. Then on Saturday we'll go get a car and head to Cooperstown and he'll be blown away since he always talks about going back (he took us there as kids).
So that's Fenway Park, the Baseball Hall of Fame, and Yankee Stadium (better if it was the old one, but still) all in a four day span that includes 8 hours in a car. Should be pretty freaking sweet. I'm bringing the ole computer machine with me and hope to be able to find a little time to blog each day, possibly with pictures. Stay tuned.
P.S. I would be truly remiss if I didn't give a shout out to the ladies in our lives. Not only does this take us all away from our families for five days but it's a significant financial outlay as well, and not once have any of them been anything but 100% supportive of this endeavor. So thank you all. We owe you big.
The best part is the old man has no idea where we're going. My mom told me tonight that he is now convinced we are going to L.A. because both the Twins and Gophers are playing out there this weekend. Of course, he forgets that if we did that we'd have to watch both the Twins and Gopher football and I can't imagine anybody subjecting themselves to that when they're trying to have "fun." So it'll be pretty sweet. He'll of course figure out we're going to Boston when we get to the airport, and I'm pretty sure after we spend two days there he'll think it's just a long weekend in Boston. Then on Saturday we'll go get a car and head to Cooperstown and he'll be blown away since he always talks about going back (he took us there as kids).
So that's Fenway Park, the Baseball Hall of Fame, and Yankee Stadium (better if it was the old one, but still) all in a four day span that includes 8 hours in a car. Should be pretty freaking sweet. I'm bringing the ole computer machine with me and hope to be able to find a little time to blog each day, possibly with pictures. Stay tuned.
P.S. I would be truly remiss if I didn't give a shout out to the ladies in our lives. Not only does this take us all away from our families for five days but it's a significant financial outlay as well, and not once have any of them been anything but 100% supportive of this endeavor. So thank you all. We owe you big.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday's Musings - 8/29/2011
- First off, my fantasy football draft was a disaster. We play in a modified keeper league where you keep 6 and have two players available in a transition round where you can take a player off someone else's team in exchange for your first round pick. I had #7 and there are really only 5.5 good rookie prospects so I figure I'll take Santonio Holmes off another dude's roster. Well then freaking Snake takes him instead at #4.
I'm not panicking yet, figuring I have good RB depth with Ray Rice, LaSean McCoy, and Deangelo Williams, so I'll just hope I can get WR Greg Little or something at 7 and everything will be ok. Then fucking Bear takes Williams off my roster with his #9 pick and I go into minor panic mode. But now I have #7 and #9. I know I now need a RB and, since I was unable to consummate a trade for Sam Bradford, need a QB as well since I'm not sure of Peyton's status. I figure I'll grab Matt Stafford at #7 and then take the best available RB at #9.
Well guess what? Bear takes Stafford at #9 and now all hell breaks loose. It's suddenly going down as if I have no idea what I'm doing. I end up drafting Delone Carter at #7 despite the fact that I have no idea how to pronounce his name and that he's the back-up RB, then Greg Little goes right after me and there is literally nobody interesting left to draft. I end up going with Kevin Kolb and, just to show how panicked I was, I nearly took Jay Cutler here which is a move that I do believe would have gotten me kicked out of the league - although Bogart's dad probably would have tongue-kissed me since he loves the Bears like Joe Mauer loves sitting.
Then round 2 rolls around and I take Joe Addai because apparently I'm now handcuffing shitty running backs together. Everything just snowballs somehow and by draft end I end up with all four Colt running backs and a receiver I've never heard of but he's #2 on Arizona and I've already got Kevin Kolb so what the hell? Yes, all four Colt running backs (Addai, Carter, Donald Brown, and Javarris James). Then the night ended with me getting a case of Coors Light out of the trunk of my car and me, Snake, Dawger, Bogart, and Bear plowing into a 30-pack of White Castle sliders. Or maybe Snake walked home by then. I don't know. I had a lot of beer.
Still, though, I ended up with my big WR sleeper who I might as well tell you is Brandon Gibson from St. Louis because I know one of those assholes will put it in the comments anyway. Trust me on this. St. Louis is going to throw the ball a lot and Bradford won't be content to go dinking around to RBs and Danny Amendola again, one of the grown-up wideouts is going to have a big year. You know it won't be Mike Sims-Walker because we've already seen his upside, so that leaves Donnie Avery, Gibson, or Danario Alexander. Avery is coming off an injury and his name is Donnie and Alexander is already hurt, so not only is Gibson the most talented off all those dorks but he'll have the best opportunity as well. Holy shit was that paragraph football nerd-y. Sorry. I like to stick to baseball and college basketball nerdy. That's way more high class. Like Outback vs. Olive Garden.
Anyway, here's the team:
Qb Peyton Manning, Kevin Kolb
Rb Ray Rice, LaSean McCoy, all the Colts, Demarco Murray, Javon Ringer
WR Hakeem Nicks, Dez Bryant, Jeremy Maclin, Andre Roberts, Brandon Gibson
TE Jason Witten
K don't remember
DEF probably someone like the Saints
Not too bad.
- You probably missed this because you don't pay attention to cool things, but Andre Drummond finally is officially on-board the UCONN train. Drummond was ranked as the #1 center by everybody, and the #1 overall player for 2012 by ESPN and NBAdraft.net and the #2 player by Rivals and Scout. Bascially he's an absolute monster - think Dwight Howard/Kevin Garnett - awesome on defense, awesome rebounder, and a developing offensive game, although based on sheer size and athleticism he's going to get his points. A program changing type of player (assuming he ends up being eligible - some minor questions there).
UCONN was rumored to be in the lead for him, but he announced he was going to go to prep school for a year. Then last Friday he tweeted that he would be attending UCONN after all, and the one UCONN fan I know pretty much lost his mind and maxed out multiple betting accounts taking the Huskies to win the whole thing at 30-1. Not bad, actually, because it's now dropped to 15-1.
Basically they now have Drummond, Jeremy Lamb who really started to come into his own at the end of last year, and Shabazz Napier and Alex Oriakhi who were keys in the tournament victory and should be better this year. Add in freshman small foward DeAndre Daniels, the #10 player in the country no less, and UCONN has suddenly gone from a good team to a legitimate threat to repeat. Fellow freshman Ryan Boatright (#48 nationally) can push Napier, so between the two the biggest weak link for UCONN is handled, and with Lamb, Oriakhi, Drummond, and Roscoe Smith this is going to be an incredibly good defensive team. Between them, North Carolina, Ohio State, and Kentucky there are going to be some insanely good teams this year. Should be fun. Until I have to go watch the Gophers play.
- I guess the big NFL news, besides that my team rocks, is that Mike Vick signed a 6 year, $100 million deal with the Eagles. I was so interested in this news that I farted and then yawned.
- Oh dude I almost totally forgot about this. The other day on the radio Dark Star and one of the sidekick guys were talking Twins and they started talking about a the Twins needing a legit ace. Whoever it was asked if Dark Star thought there was any way the Twins could get Felix Hernandez. Dark Star said they'd have to give up "Kubel, a starter, and a young guy like Plouffe or Tolbert." What. The. Eff? I can't even see PA making that statement and he's a total retard, while Star - although a total retard - at least seems to understand baseball and the Twins. I was just floored. I think Kubel, any starter, and Plouffe or Tolbert might land you like,
- Jesus Christ J.J. Hardy hit another home run tonight. That's #26. He's the first AL shortstop since 2007 to hit 25 or more in a season. You know who the last one was? J.J. freaking Hardy. In a related note, did you know Khalil Greene hit 27 home runs in 2007? That's weird. Too bad he went all wack-o and crazied himself right out of the league. True story. Also a true story - I'm bored. God this blog sucks.
- Oh, but dinner tonight was a white chicken chili put together by the missus. She likes her food a little less spicy than I do, so I would have added some cayenne pepper, but the flavor was excellent. Mixing in black beans with the cannellini beans not only gave it a better flavor, but also was a nice contrast in color. I mean come on, white, black, it's just like the black and white cookie. Mrs. W - bringing racial harmony to the world one delicious recipe at a time.
I'm not panicking yet, figuring I have good RB depth with Ray Rice, LaSean McCoy, and Deangelo Williams, so I'll just hope I can get WR Greg Little or something at 7 and everything will be ok. Then fucking Bear takes Williams off my roster with his #9 pick and I go into minor panic mode. But now I have #7 and #9. I know I now need a RB and, since I was unable to consummate a trade for Sam Bradford, need a QB as well since I'm not sure of Peyton's status. I figure I'll grab Matt Stafford at #7 and then take the best available RB at #9.
Well guess what? Bear takes Stafford at #9 and now all hell breaks loose. It's suddenly going down as if I have no idea what I'm doing. I end up drafting Delone Carter at #7 despite the fact that I have no idea how to pronounce his name and that he's the back-up RB, then Greg Little goes right after me and there is literally nobody interesting left to draft. I end up going with Kevin Kolb and, just to show how panicked I was, I nearly took Jay Cutler here which is a move that I do believe would have gotten me kicked out of the league - although Bogart's dad probably would have tongue-kissed me since he loves the Bears like Joe Mauer loves sitting.
Then round 2 rolls around and I take Joe Addai because apparently I'm now handcuffing shitty running backs together. Everything just snowballs somehow and by draft end I end up with all four Colt running backs and a receiver I've never heard of but he's #2 on Arizona and I've already got Kevin Kolb so what the hell? Yes, all four Colt running backs (Addai, Carter, Donald Brown, and Javarris James). Then the night ended with me getting a case of Coors Light out of the trunk of my car and me, Snake, Dawger, Bogart, and Bear plowing into a 30-pack of White Castle sliders. Or maybe Snake walked home by then. I don't know. I had a lot of beer.
Still, though, I ended up with my big WR sleeper who I might as well tell you is Brandon Gibson from St. Louis because I know one of those assholes will put it in the comments anyway. Trust me on this. St. Louis is going to throw the ball a lot and Bradford won't be content to go dinking around to RBs and Danny Amendola again, one of the grown-up wideouts is going to have a big year. You know it won't be Mike Sims-Walker because we've already seen his upside, so that leaves Donnie Avery, Gibson, or Danario Alexander. Avery is coming off an injury and his name is Donnie and Alexander is already hurt, so not only is Gibson the most talented off all those dorks but he'll have the best opportunity as well. Holy shit was that paragraph football nerd-y. Sorry. I like to stick to baseball and college basketball nerdy. That's way more high class. Like Outback vs. Olive Garden.
Anyway, here's the team:
Qb Peyton Manning, Kevin Kolb
Rb Ray Rice, LaSean McCoy, all the Colts, Demarco Murray, Javon Ringer
WR Hakeem Nicks, Dez Bryant, Jeremy Maclin, Andre Roberts, Brandon Gibson
TE Jason Witten
K don't remember
DEF probably someone like the Saints
Not too bad.
- You probably missed this because you don't pay attention to cool things, but Andre Drummond finally is officially on-board the UCONN train. Drummond was ranked as the #1 center by everybody, and the #1 overall player for 2012 by ESPN and NBAdraft.net and the #2 player by Rivals and Scout. Bascially he's an absolute monster - think Dwight Howard/Kevin Garnett - awesome on defense, awesome rebounder, and a developing offensive game, although based on sheer size and athleticism he's going to get his points. A program changing type of player (assuming he ends up being eligible - some minor questions there).
UCONN was rumored to be in the lead for him, but he announced he was going to go to prep school for a year. Then last Friday he tweeted that he would be attending UCONN after all, and the one UCONN fan I know pretty much lost his mind and maxed out multiple betting accounts taking the Huskies to win the whole thing at 30-1. Not bad, actually, because it's now dropped to 15-1.
Basically they now have Drummond, Jeremy Lamb who really started to come into his own at the end of last year, and Shabazz Napier and Alex Oriakhi who were keys in the tournament victory and should be better this year. Add in freshman small foward DeAndre Daniels, the #10 player in the country no less, and UCONN has suddenly gone from a good team to a legitimate threat to repeat. Fellow freshman Ryan Boatright (#48 nationally) can push Napier, so between the two the biggest weak link for UCONN is handled, and with Lamb, Oriakhi, Drummond, and Roscoe Smith this is going to be an incredibly good defensive team. Between them, North Carolina, Ohio State, and Kentucky there are going to be some insanely good teams this year. Should be fun. Until I have to go watch the Gophers play.
- I guess the big NFL news, besides that my team rocks, is that Mike Vick signed a 6 year, $100 million deal with the Eagles. I was so interested in this news that I farted and then yawned.
- Oh dude I almost totally forgot about this. The other day on the radio Dark Star and one of the sidekick guys were talking Twins and they started talking about a the Twins needing a legit ace. Whoever it was asked if Dark Star thought there was any way the Twins could get Felix Hernandez. Dark Star said they'd have to give up "Kubel, a starter, and a young guy like Plouffe or Tolbert." What. The. Eff? I can't even see PA making that statement and he's a total retard, while Star - although a total retard - at least seems to understand baseball and the Twins. I was just floored. I think Kubel, any starter, and Plouffe or Tolbert might land you like,
- Jesus Christ J.J. Hardy hit another home run tonight. That's #26. He's the first AL shortstop since 2007 to hit 25 or more in a season. You know who the last one was? J.J. freaking Hardy. In a related note, did you know Khalil Greene hit 27 home runs in 2007? That's weird. Too bad he went all wack-o and crazied himself right out of the league. True story. Also a true story - I'm bored. God this blog sucks.
- Oh, but dinner tonight was a white chicken chili put together by the missus. She likes her food a little less spicy than I do, so I would have added some cayenne pepper, but the flavor was excellent. Mixing in black beans with the cannellini beans not only gave it a better flavor, but also was a nice contrast in color. I mean come on, white, black, it's just like the black and white cookie. Mrs. W - bringing racial harmony to the world one delicious recipe at a time.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Life. Soul. Crushed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is keep writing this stupid blog when the Twins are this uselessly useless? God every time I sit and think, "I really need to write something" I then get this nearly uncontrollable urge to stab my own eyeball with this pen (NOTE: the god damn pen is blue). They just drain your life force like a Dememtor or Myrddraal or Shade or Ring Wraith or Wight, depending on your nerdery of choice. It's like they can't even lose with dignity. Danny Valencia is doing his Roger Dorn over at third, and Joe Mauer just missed consecutive games with "general soreness." General soreness? I guess it doesn't matter since they aren't going anywhere anyway but isn't that the biggest bunch of whiny crap you've ever heard? And yes, I know he's played in 9 consecutive games on 9 consecutive days up until last night and probably deserved a night off, but two games? Two! Shouldn't he have a specific injury then rather than "general soreness?" And I think there was a Garbage Pail Kid by that name.
Really though, what exactly is fun to watch right now? Usually when your team is crappy you can at least get enjoyment over watching some young guys and trying to figure out if they're going to end up being useful, but outside of Ben Revere who exactly fits that paradigm here? Danny Valencia I guess if you haven't bailed on him already. Anthony Swarzak maybe to see if he has any future as a starter. Plouffe I suppose to see if he will every be more than a utility guy and/or what position he might be able to stick at. That's it, right? After seeing Liriano leave today after 2 innings I've lost all interest in him and his ballooning like Shawn Kemp during the strike ERA. The only other starter who is remotely interesting is Scott Baker, but this is the 30th year in a row he's been interesting and he has yet to step up and out of that. I feel like the dude who's been in the friend zone with some hot chick for years and is just waiting for things to change. But things won't ever change because Baker just wants to talk to me about his feelings and the other boys he likes and won't ever even give me so much as a handy in the back of the movie theater. Well I'm done with it. Starting now.
And let's not even get started on the lineup, because I don't know if you can even pick anybody who can be built around. I mean really who? The only candidates are Mauer, Morneau, and Span. Those are your only potential all-stars who aren't old on this entire team. Valencia's upside is as an average 3b and I suppose it's possible Revere might make an all-star team if he has a half season where everything is falling and hits .330 in the first half, although if that ever happened he'd be guaranteed to hit about .230 in the second half, but he's not a building block, he's nice filler. The only real candidates are Captain I'm Sore and Tired, My head hurts, and my head hurts II. These guys are hurt more often than your wife's feelings and miss more time than that ole alcoholic who I used to work with at this convenient store who smoked GPC non-filtered (literally the cheapest thing allowable by law) and eventually took off for Georgia with a register full of cash and lung cancer.
Seriously. It breaks my heart but Kubel is basically gone, because if they do sign one of the free agent outfielders they'll sign Cuddyer because people like his stupid fat face and think he's a big chemistry guy when in reality you only think that because he can't throw himself in front of a camera fast enough every time he sees one like he was Anthony Michael Hall trying to stay relevant. I don't care how many barbecues he throws or how often he helps guys paint their fences, Kubel is a better hitter and is the one they should keep, but he's gone. Everyone involved in the middle infield is garbage, so what are we left with?
We have Revere to root for, Plouffe to root for, and I think you can still root for Joe Nathan because I like him, he's fighting to return to form after an injury, and Matt Capps taught me that it's not true that Nathan has the worst closer music in the league.
Honestly, those of you who are still tuning in every night I salute and pity and ridicule you in equal parts. I try, I really do, but these days it usually takes abut three innings before watching Pretty Little Liars suddenly looks good. I'm sure eventually I'll be able to rationally looking at things and type what they probably should do for next year, but today is not that day and tomorrow isn't either because it's Friday and then Saturday I have a fantasy draft and Sunday is softball so I just don't know.
In conclusion, the end of Jurassic Park III is the worst ending of any movie other than Jaws 4 ever.
Really though, what exactly is fun to watch right now? Usually when your team is crappy you can at least get enjoyment over watching some young guys and trying to figure out if they're going to end up being useful, but outside of Ben Revere who exactly fits that paradigm here? Danny Valencia I guess if you haven't bailed on him already. Anthony Swarzak maybe to see if he has any future as a starter. Plouffe I suppose to see if he will every be more than a utility guy and/or what position he might be able to stick at. That's it, right? After seeing Liriano leave today after 2 innings I've lost all interest in him and his ballooning like Shawn Kemp during the strike ERA. The only other starter who is remotely interesting is Scott Baker, but this is the 30th year in a row he's been interesting and he has yet to step up and out of that. I feel like the dude who's been in the friend zone with some hot chick for years and is just waiting for things to change. But things won't ever change because Baker just wants to talk to me about his feelings and the other boys he likes and won't ever even give me so much as a handy in the back of the movie theater. Well I'm done with it. Starting now.
And let's not even get started on the lineup, because I don't know if you can even pick anybody who can be built around. I mean really who? The only candidates are Mauer, Morneau, and Span. Those are your only potential all-stars who aren't old on this entire team. Valencia's upside is as an average 3b and I suppose it's possible Revere might make an all-star team if he has a half season where everything is falling and hits .330 in the first half, although if that ever happened he'd be guaranteed to hit about .230 in the second half, but he's not a building block, he's nice filler. The only real candidates are Captain I'm Sore and Tired, My head hurts, and my head hurts II. These guys are hurt more often than your wife's feelings and miss more time than that ole alcoholic who I used to work with at this convenient store who smoked GPC non-filtered (literally the cheapest thing allowable by law) and eventually took off for Georgia with a register full of cash and lung cancer.
Seriously. It breaks my heart but Kubel is basically gone, because if they do sign one of the free agent outfielders they'll sign Cuddyer because people like his stupid fat face and think he's a big chemistry guy when in reality you only think that because he can't throw himself in front of a camera fast enough every time he sees one like he was Anthony Michael Hall trying to stay relevant. I don't care how many barbecues he throws or how often he helps guys paint their fences, Kubel is a better hitter and is the one they should keep, but he's gone. Everyone involved in the middle infield is garbage, so what are we left with?
We have Revere to root for, Plouffe to root for, and I think you can still root for Joe Nathan because I like him, he's fighting to return to form after an injury, and Matt Capps taught me that it's not true that Nathan has the worst closer music in the league.
Honestly, those of you who are still tuning in every night I salute and pity and ridicule you in equal parts. I try, I really do, but these days it usually takes abut three innings before watching Pretty Little Liars suddenly looks good. I'm sure eventually I'll be able to rationally looking at things and type what they probably should do for next year, but today is not that day and tomorrow isn't either because it's Friday and then Saturday I have a fantasy draft and Sunday is softball so I just don't know.
In conclusion, the end of Jurassic Park III is the worst ending of any movie other than Jaws 4 ever.
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