Sup dudes. Been a long time since we've watched a stupid movie. Since I refuse to watch Sharknado 2 because it's a blatant cash grab that's intentionally stupid, I'll fill that void by watching something on Netflix. And not just any something, but something called Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. If you think this is the stupidest sounding movie you've ever heard of, well, it is. Let's rock and roll anyway.
- I would give you the synopsis of the movie here, but I don't think the title left any great mysteries.
- We're starting in Egypt. Maybe there's a giant shark encased in a pyramid or something. Don't tell me one of these movies wouldn't jump all over that idea.
- This boat is towing part of a glacier. Is that a thing? Then the glacier breaks and a giant shark broke free and it appears to be the size of a house. I'm guessing this is the titular Mega Shark. It then flipped its tail which sent the boat flying into the desert where it hit the Sphinx and knocked its head off. I'm already regretting my decision to watch this.
- All sea traffic and air traffic has been suspended in the whole world because of the shark. That seems a bit drastic.
- The UN "is working on a weapon to combat the giant shark." I bet I know what it is, and I bet I'm going to hate my life for the next hour and a half.
- And boom. Mecha Shark, piloted by hot blonde scientist who used to be on Law and Order and speaks in a total monotone. So we're six minutes in and we already have our sharks. What's left to do? Oh, right. They probably battle for an hour and 24 minutes. This was a really bad idea.
- Mecha Shark just got attacked by two giant squids, which don't eat sharks, wouldn't attack a hunk of metal that didn't smell like food, and don't attack in pairs. So we got that going for us. Mecha Shark wins by the blonde lady switching to either "Eel Skin" or "Seal Skin" and something changed on the outside of the shark sub and the two squid went flying away. I was going to rewind to figure out what she said but since neither makes even a lick of sense I figured why bother.
- Mecha shark has torpedos. Feels like cheating.
- Ooh, there's a new version of the shark sub that hasn't had it's artificial intelligence program installed or had sea trials done, but the guy in charge says they have to get moving because "that thing killed my brother, and I don't like to lose" and hot blonde is like "let's go" and her husband is like "wait no" but she does it any way. Women.
- Lobster boat captain steals a line from Jaws, "Harbor master going to have a heart attack when sees what we brung him" which is probably meant as an homage but screw this movie. Then the megalodon ate the boat. Good. Screw those guys.
- Husband guy is going to known as Hootie.
- Wait how was their a lobster boat on the water when all sea traffic has been banned? Anarchy.
- Holy shit Debbie Gibson! Debbie Gibson! I'm going to have to look up if she's playing the same character from that other movie or that other one, but she's definitely playing a scientist who must informed the Navy that the meg wouldn't be going anywhere without a mate so they're going to be dealing with one horny shark. Yeah that happened.
- It's a pretty fancy sub. Looks like shark but it's all computer-y inside. Too bad it's going to get raped.
- Ooh the two sharks found each other. First encounter. This is like when Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man meet after level 2.
- Robo Shark just hit real shark with a tracking tag. Is that shark foreplay?
- I can't figure out what happened here. Some other sub, not the shark sub, was there and fired a torpedo at the real shark and hit it. Then a torpedo started flying the other way and it hit that sub and it died. I am not nearly drunk enough to not be able to figure this out if it made sense, so I'm going to assume it didn't make sense. I also spent WAY to much time rewinding, which is just prolonging how far the end of this movie is.
- So Debbie Gibson is playing the same character from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, who was different from her character in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. She's got a ton of range.
- Admiral guy, "I had friends on that sub." This guy is really hung up on his friends dying. What a pussy. I still have no idea what happened to blow that sub up. I'm going to assume the shark swallowed the torpedo and then barfed it back up at the sub. Makes as much sense as whatever their actual explanation is.
- OMG hot blonde lady pilot with the baritone has a bottle of vodka in her travel bag. Like I wasn't already in love.
- This megalodon is hyper aggressive. It just ate an oil platform. Because that's what sharks do, you see, eat things that in no way resemble their natural prey. Nature's serial killers, that's what I always say.
- One hour left.
- Ok so remember how the sub didn't do "pressure tests" or whatever? Well they just did this horrible scene where the pressure started affecting the systems and everyone was worried it would sink. Luckily everything worked out ok and they docked it and started fixing the problem. Ha ha just kidding after everything seemed regular again they started chumming to attract the meg again.
- Now there's an oil leak. This movie is moving at 100 miles per hour, but it's terrible. Like putting an asian woman in a race car.
- Some plane had a fuel emergency and needed to divert to some island that was in "restricted air space." Naturally the meg jumped out of the water to try to eat it because that makes sense since a shark that just de-froze from a glacier would know that planes = food, but even better the shark sub followed it up into the air and bumped it off course like some kind of fancy hockey goalie guy so the plane was safe. That was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, and even worse I can picture two SyFy executives high fiving about it.
- Megs mad about not getting eat a bunch of metal and fuel, so it attacks the shark sub, which fires a torpedo at it, which then gets slapped away by the Meg with its tail (this must be what happened early and totally makes sense because this is the kind of thing sharks do all the time in real life). And it hits some aircraft carrier that was there and everyone dies. I bet that admiral guy had friends on that boat.
- This real shark is a lot more bitey than that fake shark.
- Ok so the real shark was riding the fake share like rubbing up on its side and stuff (probably horny) and the monotone chick decided to remedy this by firing a torpedo into an underwater mountain which makes lots of rocks and stuff fall. Those rocks and stuff sank the sub and knocked out the communications equipment. And I'm guessing missed the real shark since there are 45 minutes left of this crap.
- Wait it only knocked out the communications for 3 minutes. This movie is horrible.
- I bet the admiral had friends on that shark sub.
- Totally horrible throw-away scene about launching fighter jets top gun style. I wish could write more but honestly there's no way to do it justice.
- Somehow that artificial intelligence program that's park of shark sub got the shark sub working again even though hot blonde who speaks in a monotone is still unconscious. That AI thing almost has to turn evil at some point, right? Isn't that the whole point of putting an AI program in a movie?
- You want to know why this shark is attacking aircraft carriers like it's doing right now? Because of the high frequency emitters. Damn those commercial airplanes for testing their high frequency emitters.
- So then the aircraft carrier currently under attack turns off it's high frequency emitters or whatever and then the shark jumps on top of the carrier and breaks it in half. I don't know. Shit's gotten really weird.
- Blonde girl is still knocked out, according to the admiral the "only two other pilots who can pilot that sub were on that aircraft carrier and are now dead" (probably friends of his) and the AI program is agitating to go out on it's own. That can't be good. Everyone knows you can't trust machines. My oven burns me every chance it gets.
- Oh. My. God. They let the AI program take the shark sub out by itself. And get this. IT HASN'T BEEN DEBUGGED. David Kahn must be in charge over there.
- The sharks are fighting and it looks as dumb as you'd think. I still haven't figured out why this dumbass fish is attacking a robot. I know the horny theory, but I'm pretty sure you need pheremones or something like that. Or at least high frequency emitters.
- Blondie is now pouring the vodka down the drain (which makes my heart hurt). So that plot point never had anything to do with anything. She never took a drink. It never came up in conversation. I feel like they're just toying with me.
- 37 minutes to go!
- Debbie's back!
- She knows where the Meg is heading, which seems like something they don't need to know since it seems to follow the shark sub like it's stuck in the friend zone. He's heading towards Sydney, Australia because millions of years ago it was a Megalodon breeding ground. I guess he really is horny.
- Text from Snacks, "I get so bored watching most of these breaking bad episodes." What's the procedure for disowning a brother? Or murder?
- Jesus another aircraft carrier. And remember those fighter jets from before I referenced? Either nothing happened with them or I wasn't paying enough attention and missed it. Both equally likely.
- AI program questioning its masters. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
- They need to get the sub there because if the meg shows up and there are no females it's going to be pissed. I don't really think sharks have the capacity to get pissed, but even better they're evacuating Sydney. The city. Not the harbor, the city. On land. The people on land have to evacuate because a horny shark is in the water. On land. The people on land. Because of a shark.
- Shark showed up. Did that thing again where it jumps in the air and lands on an aircraft carrier and it explodes. Maybe it thought the ship was a female shark and it was going for some kind of fancy pile driver move. I don't know. I need to invent a new word for this movie.
- Some lady can't find her daughter during the evacuation so blond monotone lady is going to help find her. Nice work mom.
- Shark just rammed the Sydney Opera House. Probably on account of the high frequency flutes. Or horny. I had friends in that opera house.
- Blonde lady found the kid who is now running away from her. I would too. She's clearly some kind of robot with all the monotone and stuff.
- Once again, Debbie Gibson makes the point that the shark is horny and won't leave without a mate. So basically the AI is going to decide to become a real shark and then it and the actual real shark and going to swim off into the sunset to go screw, right? 25 minutes!
- Wait so now the metal shark (in full rogue, ignoring it's human masters, not responding to computer commands mode) jumped onto the remains of the opera house. This movie is worse than Hitler.
- Ok so there are two robot sharks now. One must be the earlier model from the beginning of the movie. I don't know. I clearly missed something. Maybe that would be the key to making this movie not horrible. I'm terrible at movies.
- Holy crap the rogue sub shark thing apparently has an "amphibious mode" and it just went all transformers on the bit (while ignoring its human masters) and it now has tank treads for feet and it's now rolling through the streets of Sydney eating stuff. I apologize for making fun of the whole "city evacuation" thing earlier. Clearly the admiral saw this coming.
- For some reason blondie and Hootie have that kid from earlier, who is supposed to be six years old but is like 5 feet tall. The mom isn't there and since she said "I'm not leaving without my daughter" I assume she's dead now. Way to go Hootie. First you ruin music, now this.
- Everything's on fire. I have no idea.
- Debbie Gibson's plan is to get tank sub shark back in the water and then the meg will think it's a mate. That's the whole plan. Maybe a real shark humping a mechanical shark will make them both die. That seems to be her plan. Pretty hot in those playboy pics back when though.
- They found the mom. Another plot point that really went nowhere. This is like shakespeare.
- OMG you guys the shark sub has high frequency emitters on board! Blonde lady can trigger them if she just can get on board the tank shark sub thing. Which she did by jumping in its mouth. Honest to god, I've watched some really bad movies, but I just don't even.
- Man nothing went right for the Navy. Not since Beau Morgan spurned them for Air Force has the Navy faced such a disaster.
- Admiral guy is dropping depth charges on the real shark. I feel like people really aren't communicating effectively here.
- Speaking of Admiral, he just started firing a hand gun at the shark. Fucking brilliant. Guess what the shark did? Yep, it jumped on the aircraft carrier (AGAIN!) which caused to explode. The admiral had a lot of himself on that boat.
- I will say the CGI shark actually looks better than anything else I've seen out of these shitty movies throughout the years. I think that's where the budget for plot and writing and directing and choreography went.
- All the Navy planes and stuff are shooting missiles at sub shark, which currently contains blonde lady. Hootie's not happy. Those two sentences make me hate my blog.
- I rewound this twice to get it right, but the reason the AI malfunctioned is because of a "the system was hijacked my a drone mode overlay." When I was younger I would have looked this up to figure out if it was a real thing, but at this point I"m going to assume it's not. Much like all the rest of this scene where they throw out fancy words like "I need you to empty the jump stores." Jump stores can't be a thing right? At least not a computer thing. I mean maybe you could go to a jump store and get fancy shoes like Reebok pumps or a trampoline or something, but it's can't be computer related.
- I'm sure there was a reason for this but the real shark bit the fake shark and they both exploded and I admit to not knowing why but everything bad is dead. This movie gave me glaucoma.
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