Well let's see: kids are asleep, wife is sick and passed out in bed fro the Nyquil I slipped into a glass of wine, the Twins have a late game and I have brand new bottle of Captain Morgan, a mostly full 2-liter of ginger ale, and a few sticks of Lawry's hickory beef jerky sitting around. Yeah. I might as well blog the game. What else am I gonna do, watch it with nothing to distract me?
10:00 - We are just beginning the top of the fourth, Twins lead 3-2. And I've looked at that three times and thought maybe the 3 was a typo or a backwards E and the misspelled Twins, but apparently the Twins are actually leading. Weird.
10:02 - Two quick outs and then a single by Tolbert, who is back on the big league club because he has a pulse and Alexi Casilla is on the DL which is weird because I never even knew he was hurt. How did this happen? Is this one of those injuries where you sneeze and throw out your back or burn your hand on the grill trying to save a piece of ostrich burger from slipping through the grate onto the dirty coals below? Also, I guarantee I miss Casilla more than I ever would have thought possible right now. WAY TO BE ADEQUATE, guy.
10:04 - While I was looking up the spelling of adequate to make sure I had it right (I did) whoever was up popped out. I'm going guess it was Butera. But man can that son a bitch sling that pill. He should be a pitcher.
10:05 - Actually he'd be a terrible pitcher because, although he could probably touch 98 on the gun, his ball is completely straight, as it should be for a catcher, so he'd just get ripped. Although Matt Capps seems to find a modicum of success by throwing a straight ball and it's about 8 mph slower, so who knows? They should try it. Couldn't be worse than Dumatrait.
10:07 - Clearly Liriano brought his A-game tonight since he just gave up a double to Hideki freaking Matsui. Of course, even though he's having by far the worst season of his major league career he'd still be the fourth best hitter on the Twins. Seriously he'd be third in extra-base hits and fourth in OPS+. OPS+, you'll remember, takes your OPS and compares it to the league average and spits out a number where 100 = completely average hitter. Matsui's is 96 this year. And he'd be fifth on the Twins. And that's if you count Thome and Kubel. I'm moving out of state.
10:12 - Damn. Just read that Asomugha signed with the Eagles. He was almost a Jet and I wanted to see what that would be like with Asomugha and Revis on the same team. Would teams throw at all? And you could always have an extra safety to either play up to stop the run or load up against a TE or a 3rd wideout. How could anybody ever score ever? I really wanted to see that. Freaking jerks. Also the Twins turned a DP and are out of the inning.
10:15 - Ben Revere just picked up a bunt hit by making and absolutely terrible bunt that he popped up over the pitchers head but beat it out because he's so god damn fast. That was a terrible terrible play but holy god on a cracker is he fun to watch.
10:16 - Speaking of Revere I just don't know about this possible Span trade. I don't think Revere is ready to be a leadoff hitter and they don't have another one. On the other hand it's not like Span is the greatest player in the world, and he's basically an average leadoff hitter and that's it. I guess if Drew Storen is included I won't hate it hate it, but I just can't imagine loving a Span trade. He still has value for the next several years.
10:18 - Steal by Revere, base hit by Plouffe to score him, and then a single by Mauer. Shit, if I knew it was gonna be that kinda party I'd a sticked my dick in the mashed potatoes.
10:22 - Well this will shock you, but Cuddy just struck out on a ball outside of the strikezone. Honest to god it doesn't even matter how well he may be running or hot hot he is at least once a week he's going to have an at-bat where he honest to god looks like he's never played baseball before. It's a law, like water or dinosaurs.
10:25 - Dick just called Cliff Pennington "Chris" Pennington. Ha ha you're old. Serious question though, do you really think Dick knows a lot about baseball? Or John Gordon for that matter? Do you think they ever watch a game they aren't calling? Do you think either of them ever read up on what's going on around the league other than to prep for the team the Twins are about to play? How many National League players do you think they could name combined? Albert Pujols, Roy Halladay, and about 8-10 former Twins? Probably a couple of Brewers? Seriously, do you think they could tell you anything about Brian McCann? It's not like he's a household name but he's a damn good player, maybe the best catcher in baseball, and a guy any MLB fan would know, but I think if you put the two of them in a room together and asked them to tell you who McCann is they'd probably piece it together but there answers would have a lot of question marks attached. "Uh, Atlanta?" "Umm, I think he's a catcher?" Am I off here.
10:36 - By the way, we won our co-ed softball championship. It was awesome because the team we beat was a bunch of douchers, especially their pitcher, and he got doubled off first on a line drive for the last out of the game and then probably went home and killed himself. Also great was in the semifinal when we beat another douche team whose biggest douche guy was their shortstop, and in one of the last innings with two outs we had Snacks on first and another fast guy up (whose nickname is Douche, interestingly enough) and after Douche singled Snacks was on third and their doucher shortstop had the ball and we know he's dumb so Douche dances off the base just far enough to entice douchestop to throw it to first at which point Snacks takes off for home and their first base girl stands there like she's lost and the radio is playing some Sixpence None the Richer and Snacks scores. And it's great because we won by one run. Such it douche shortstop.
10:40 - Bases loaded and one out for Revere after a four-pitch walk to Butera. Think about that one. I'm thinking maybe Gio Gonzalez doesn't have it tonight. Honestly just throw the ball down the middle to Butera, even if he makes great contact it's probably still just a fly out. Sure can fire that ball though.
10:43 - And Gonzalez walks Revere to force in a run. Again, it's Ben Revere. Just throw the damn thing down the middle. The farthest he can hit it would be just short of the center fielder. It's like a real hitter try to hit a kitten ball - it's just not going to go that far. Good lord it would suck to be an A's fan. Way to go, Bear. way to go.
10:50 - Jesus Blyleven has his Joe Mauer love pants on tonight. He's complimented Mauer as a "great hitter" three times already tonight and compared him to Wade Boggs (a guy whose career average Mauer has only beaten in a season twice). The latest - Mauer is so good, he's just not afraid to get to 0-2 in the count, he knows he can hit. Ok. I'm going to go ahead and look this up. Hold on. Mauer this year: 1-29 after reaching 0-2 in an at-bat. Once again Bertram, your insight is compelling and sounds good but is completely inaccurate. Just like your face.
10:58 - Whoa, look at that. Suddenly it's the bottom of the sixth and the A's have two runners on with nobody out. This is kind of shit that happens if I don't pay attention. At least Conor Jackson is up, although thinks would be better for the Twins if it was Daric Barton. What do you think Dick could tell you about either of those guys? Seriously, am I wrong here?
11:00 - Bob Welch and Barry Zito both won Cy Young awards? Maybe we just blow that award right up.
11:01 - Wait, you're going to tell me Matsui wasn't out of the baseline there? He was on the infield grass. Clearly I don't understand the rule.
11:03 - Speaking of things I don't understand, why would anybody give WR1 money to James Jones? Apparently he's a huge target of some teams this offseason and the Vikings might be one of them. Honest to little baby mary jesus whoever gives him a truckload of cash is going to end up with nothing but blue balls from all the excitement he doesn't deliver on. The guy is absolutely freaking terrible. And for those of you in my fantasy leagues no this is not a bit or a feint to throw you off - he's awful and I'd never draft him. He catches as well as the Venus de Milo.
11:11 - Delmon Young walked. So that's weird.
11:13 - Hughesy strikes out to end the threat. Probably because Dawger loves him.
11:14 - Gotta say, I think this new Planet of the Apes movie looks kind of good. And I have no interest in any of the Planet of the Apes movies outside of Estella Warren's sweet can in the Marky Mark version. Whatever happened to that broad? She should probably do a shark movie on SyFy.
11:20 - 1-2-3 seventh for Liriano. Twins winning 5-2 still. Beef jerky gone. Still plenty of booze. Interest level = waning. Luckily Liriano is done and they're going to the pen so things are going to get interesting in a hurry. I just hope we either get some Dumatrait or some Burnett. Smells like runs!
11:24 - Bert think the reason Oakland has never had a batting champion is because of all the foul territory that's in play at their stadium. and this is the part where I feel stupid because I only wrote that prior sentence because I was sure Carney Lansford won a batting title when he was with Oakland and was going to point that out but it turns out Lansford won it when he was with Boston. Oops. He did, at least, finish second in 1989.
11:29 - Butera with a double! Don't worry, he just placed it down the line perfectly he didn't hit it to the wall or anything so you don't have to change your worldview.
11:31 - RBI Babe Plouffe. All he does is produce.
11:31 - That swing right there Cuddyer. That's pathetic. That's not an all-star swing and hell that's not even a professional swing. More of a "Joes vs. Pros" thing where this particular Joe never played baseball in his god damn life. I like Cuddy, I really do, but holy black taco does he ever frustrate.
11:33 - Well now he just hit a 3-run dong. All I do is motivate. Suck it, Bear.
11:36 - Funny thing is that this Michael Wuertz guy is supposedly one of the guys the A's should look to move because there's a lot of interest. This probably isn't going to help, especially since after that home run he's now walked Mauer and Young back-to-back. Yes that's two walks for Delmon. I'm assuming that's a career high. Also I would have bet you money that Wuertz was a lefty. I guess I don't know players as well as I thought. OH NO!! I'M DICK BREMER!!!
11:43 - 9-2 as we go to the bottom of the 8th. Boredness and tiredness levels off the charts. So instead here is a picture of Gardy at the greatest bar in the world, Roddy's in North St. Paul.
He may not have a freaking clue how to manage a game, but his taste in drinking establishments is impeccable.
11:50 - So this is interesting. No, not the game, even though Jose Mijares is just lollypopping the ball and the A's have a couple runners going. Apparently the Pirates are hard after Jason Kubel. I love Kubel and would hate to see him go (home run Josh Willingham, it's now 9-5 - trade Mijares now before he eats himself out of interest), but depending on what you get back, you never know. The Pirates are loaded with pitching prospects (always a plus) and also one of their top prospect guys is a catcher, which would give the Twins the flexibility to make Mauer play somewhere else. I don't know, but it's pretty interesting.
12:07 - Alex Burnett is so bad.
12:14 - Twins win. I'm tired. You suck.