Week in Review - 5/17/2010

 So I had this whole write up done for how the Twins suck and all that.  But I wrote it during the 7th inning of the game yesterday, and one swing of Jason Kubel's ample bat off Mr. Sandman erased all the bad feelings about this weekend.  We can now ignore Gardy's retarded use of Guerrier against A-Rod, Jesse Crain's inability to get anybody out (still), the fact that two of the spots in the lineup are going to be used by a combo of Brendan Harris, Nick Punto, Alexi Casilla, and Matt Tolbert, and the fact that the team is suddenly unable to get a big hit (save the Kubel slam).  But none of that matters, because the Twins went 1-2 in New York.  World Series, here we come.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Stephen Strasburg.  Good lord, would you jerks just call this kid up to the bigs already?  After tossing 6-innings of 1-hit ball at AAA this week, he now has an ERA of 1.06 and a WHIP of 0.65 in his 7 minor league starts between AAA and AA.  He's faced a total of 125 batters, allowing just 22 to reach base on 14 hits and 8 walks, while striking out 40.  He's whiffed 3 batters for each one who gets a hit.  He's given up fewer hits than Jesse Crain in almost double the innings.  He has nothing left to prove in the minors, they're just keeping him down to try to save money down the line by keeping his service clock off, but at this point it's embarrassing.  They're just wasting his innings right now.  Although mark my words, if the Nationals stay in contention they won't make a trade around the deadline, they'll use the classic Twins line, "Calling him up is as good as a trade."  Classic Twins.

2.  Mike Leake.  Is it repetitive to put Leake in here week after week?  Maybe.  But do you know what else is repetitive?  His ability to get people out.  Again and again and again and again and again.  They seemingly keep him on a pitch count of right around 100, which is good for the rest of the league because nobody can hit this guy.  After a 6-inning, 4 hit, 2 run performance on Friday, he's now sitting at 4-0 with a 3.09 ERA, and he's just consistent as hell.  In his 7 career starts (all this year), he's never last less than 6 innings, never given up more than 8 hits, and has only given up more than 3 runs once.  And let's not forget this is a rookie who never played in the minors, just jumped straight to the Reds this year after being drafted last year.  He doesn't strike out a ton of guys so I don't know that he'll ever reach "superstar" status, but he will certainly be a star, and maybe already is. 

3.  Shane Victorino.  Thrust into the leadoff role for the Phils with Jimmy Rollins on the shelf, Victorino got off to a rough start this year.  And then we traded for him in fantasy.  And he is just destroying the ball.   In his five games this week, he had multiple hits in four of them.  And not just multiple hits, but a ton of extra bases as well.  In his 10-23 week, he picked up a double, a home run, and three triples and also walked three times.  He's always been a speed guy, thus the "Flyin' Hawaiian" nickname, but he's slugging the ball at an impressive .519 clip so far this year, which would be a career high, and already has 8 home runs against a career best of 14.  Perhaps a new nickname is in order.  This is where I'd put my suggestion but I can't come up with anything clever. 

4.  Adam Scott.  Welcome back Mr.  Scott.  After being one of the best young golfers on the tour a few years ago, to the point where he was known as the best golfer who hadn't won a major, a surfing accident (shark attack?) completely derailed him like that train from the Fugitive.  It got so bad at one point, that last season he missed the cut in 10 of his last 16 tournaments, and it was almost looking like he was basically done and might be heading towards David Duval land.  He had been looking better this year, making 6 of 8 cuts, and finally broke back through with a win at the Texas Open this weekend.  It wasn't exactly a top field, but there were enough good players there that this should be looked at as a huge positive step for Scott.  And between him and Aaron Baddeley finishing in third, it was quite the weekend for washed up young golfers.

5.  Young Pitchers.  Too many to name individually (not counting Leake, who is just a straight pimp).  Mat Latos tossed a one-hitter for the Padres.  So did Johnny Cueto for the Reds.  And speaking of Reds, the day after Cueto's gem Homer Bailey went the distance for a shut out.  Ricky Romero threw a complete game shutout, striking out 12, while Tommy Hanson struck out 10 in 7 innings.  Phil Hughes won his fifth game, as did David Price.  And someone named John Ely pitched a gem for the Dodgers in just his third major league start.   I don't know if it's a great era for young arms or just a weird week, but I've definitely noticed the youngsters this week.  You probably have too, perv.


WHO SUCKED

1.  LeBron.  I'm not going to belabour the obvious here when you can read 26,500 articles just by searching google for "LeBron James lackluster", but that was brutal.  Unless his elbow is far worse than anybody thinks, this was a shocking lack of effort and focus by someone who is thought as possibly the best player in the league.  On the other hand, he's only 25 (for real, I looked it up) and 25 years are prone to petulance.  I'm going to go ahead and not write him off just yet.  Seriously, if he wants to sign with the Wolves, I'm on board.  Smart money says the Nets, though.  Book it.

2.  Rich Harden.  Rich Harden is from Canada.  British Columbia, to be exact, the same province that gave us Kristin Kreuk (pictured), Jason Priestley, and Bryan Adams.  So you'd think that when he gets to pitch in his home country, like when he goes to Toronto, he'd be all amped up and be lights out.  Well, he might get amped up, but he sure as hell can't pitch for crap up in the great white north, and Friday's 2.2 inning, 4 hit, 6 walk, 7 run disaster in what has clearly become a trend at this point.  His other two career starts in Canada were nearly as bad.  In 2004, he went just 4 and 1/3 innings, giving up 7 hits and 7 runs, and in 2005 he gave up 5 hits and 6 walks in five innings, but escaped allowing just four runs.  So that means in his career his ERA is 13.50 in Canada.  Since Minnesota is basically Canada without the monopoly money and bigger fish, I'd say it's a good thing the Twins didn't sign him.

3.  Jason Bartlett.  Hey do you remember when Bartlett was thrown into the Delmon Young/Matt Garza trade and the only people who cared were the ladies who got all hot every time they looked at him because it looked like he was just going to be a mediocre shortstop?  And then remember last year when he hit .320 and stole 30 bases and showed some power and everyone was all angsty about how the team could let him go and blah blah blah?  Well, spaz, you can relax because he sucks again.  After going 3-23 this week, he's now hitting .236 on the year and isn't bothering to slug the ball even a little bit.  So it looks like the Twins got the better of the Harris/Bartlett part of that deal.  Suck it, Rays.

4.  Former Texas Open Winners.  Zach Johnson and Justin Leonard had combined to win the last 3 Texas Opens.  Back then it was played at La Cantera.  This year, they moved it to TPC San Antonio, and these two clowns apparently couldn't handle the long course, because they both missed the cut spectacularly.  Johnson fired an 80 in the first round that he couldn't recover from, which included a truly stunning six-putt after putting the ball on the green off the tee in one on 13, including three misses inside of three feet.  Justin Leonard wasn't quite as bad, but he also shit the bed in the opening round, posting a 76, and wasn't able to recover, which including a triple bogey after doinking his drive into the wilderness.  Excellent work, guys. 

5.  B.J. Upton.  Remember two years ago when I predicted Upton would be the MVP?  And remember this year, when I insisted that last year was just a down year and he'd be back and knocking the cover off the ball and all that?  Well it turns out I'm an idiot, because Upton just keeps sucking and sucking and is suddenly in danger of being benched.  He had a nice couple of games over the weekend after word came out that he was close to hitting the pine, including two doubles yesterday, but that still put him at just 4-18 for the week, and he's hitting just .119 in May and .225 for the year.  He has also lost his power, not having homered since April 19th, and isn't walking anymore either.  Last year he still had value even if he wasn't hitting because he would at least walk, so now that he's not hitting or walking, he's essentially worthless.  Let's just say it's pretty easy to decide who to bench to put Kubel back in the lineup.

Because Kubel is back, folks.  Hold on to your butts.

Twins Talk

Since we unfortunately have a night off from college buckets, and at least one reader is clamoring for Twins roster speculation as seen by the bordering on obsessive comment left earlier today, I'll go ahead and take a look at what some of the rumors out there surrounding the Twins this offseason.

In no particular order, other than the order their names jumped into my head.

-  Akinori Iwamura, written about here previously, is no longer an option, seeing as he was traded to Pittsburgh.  It's a bit perplexing, because the Pirates aren't going anywhere any time soon, and they had to trade a young semi-promising middle relief prospect in order to pay him $4 million for one year.  It's also disappointing because that's cheap as hell for his production and I'd be willing to bet the Twins could have gotten him for like, Armando Gabino (who was plucked away by the Orioles off waivers, by the way).  Anyway, it's not happening, so it's time to move on. 

- Lovely reader Kate, who was the first one to turn me on to Iwamura, has indeed moved on, and is "literally drooling" over the thought of Adrian Beltre on the Twins (her words, not mine), and we've made no secret of our Beltre love here at DWG before.  There is a lot that points to this being a possibility, including this article where mlbtraderumors.com predicts Beltre will end up a Twin, and the fact that he is a Type B free agent means the Twins won't have to give up a draft pick to sign him.  The sort of large negative here is that Beltre actually had the Twins on his "no trade clause" list.  Beltre had his worst hitting season as a pro and nearly lost a gonad (that's not a joke), but he's still intriguing and would look awfully nice on the hot corner if he is affordable.  I'd love to see a 2 year/$5 million per, but I have no idea what the market will be.

-  Speaking of the market for 3b, you can go ahead and forget about Chone Figgins, he's going to be the hottest property out there, and there's no chance you're going to see the Twins in a bidding war for him.

-  Hell, as long as we're listing people for you to forget about, let's add John Lackey to the list as well.  Not only is he a type A - meaning if the Twins were to sign him they would have to give up their first round pick next year, something they would never do, but because he's the top pitcher on the market.  That means teams like the Yankees and Red Sox will be after him, and that means that contract will end up being more than the Twins' payroll.  So, sorry PA who continually talks up Lackey to the Twins, get your head out of the clouds (and your ass) - it ain't happening.  No way, no how.

-  One free agent pitcher who does have a shot at winding up here is Rich Harden, an immensely talent yet injury prone pitcher who has only pitched more than 25 games in a season twice in his six years, although one of those was last year.  There's no doubt he would be a huge risk, but there's also no doubt he has the talent to be a front of the rotation starter if he stays healthy.  I wouldn't invest a lot of money or a lot of years, but if they can get him to sign an incentive-laden deal he could end up being a huge steal.

-  As far as other middle infielders go, two names I had heard as possibilities, Marco Scutaro and Placido Polanco, both suddenly got a lot less likely with the announcement that they are both type-A guys.  I'm actually glad that's how it shook out for Scutaro, because although I like his multi-positionalness and knowledge of the strike zone, I can't shake the feeling that he's a utility guy who had a career year.  I am bummed, however, about Polanco, who I was really hoping the Twins would end up signing to a two or three year deal.  This really reduces the odds he ends up here, since I can't see the Twins getting rid of a first round pick to sign a 34-year old for two years.  The rule is meant to help smaller market teams, and it works in a lot of cases, but this time the team getting screwed is the small market.   

-  One guy who was helped by the classification was Mark DeRosa, who, it was thought, would be a type A but ended up a type B, greatley expanding the pool of teams who will be looking at him.  The Twins showed some interest in him last season, and I would guess they take another look at him this winter.  His numbers absolutely plummeted last year after his trade to the National League, and he's 34 years old with just two seasons better than league average in his career, so I'm inclined to pass.

-  Common commenter and former contributor Dawger mentioned that the Twins should look into signing Miguel Tejada.  If you ever wonder why we question his baseball (and all sports, really) acumen, this should be all you need to know.  Actually, that's a bit harsh.  If he can play second base (I don't know the answer to this) and they can get him for a similar deal to the one Crede signed, I guess that would be ok.

-  Turning our attention to pitching, the one interesting thing I read is that the Texas Rangers feel they have a surplus of pitching (seriously, the Rangers) and could be looking to move Brandon McCarthy - yes, the same McCarthy who was a failed prospect with the White Sox, but is now starting to look pretty good for Texas.  I have no idea what the price would be, and I actually need to do a lot more research on this before I decide if I'm excited or not.  For now, color me intrigued with a chance of arousal - just like your mom last time I was at your house. 

-  As far as free agent pitchers go, outside of Harden the only name I've heard connected to the Twins at all is Jarrod Washburn (and Lackey, if you count jackasses who work for KFAN and are less well informed than my dad when it comes to his computer), and the only other name that has perked my interest a tad was J.J. Putz.   Washburn feels like the town strumpet at this point, and has either been with every team or been rumored to be with every team at this point.  I'm having a lot of trouble getting even remotely excited about him (unlike Dawger at wrestling practice) and would need to hear a solid argument from someone else.  Putz, on the other hand, was bought out by the Mets and so would have no compensation issues, and is just two years removed from being a lights-out closer (and was a good set up guy last year).  Again, the market will dictate whether or not the Twins should go after him, but he's worth a look.  I like to compare the Twins' bullpen to God - I have no faith.

-  Lastly, tell me freaking Melvin Mora doesn't feel like exactly like the kind of guy the Twins would sign to play third.  Yuck.

-  That's really all I have for free agents, but if you want to take a look at the guys the Twins have exclusive rights to - Pavano, Cabrera, Redmond, Crede, and Mahay - and really the only interesting guy here is Pavano.  I'd right stuff, but instead just go here to Nick's Twins blog where he writes a whole lot more than I care or have the abililty to about this Pavano dealie.  Under no circumstances should Redmond be resigned, and Mahay is meh.  Cabrera has no place here, yet the papers continue to say he could be signed if he would play second solely because he had a nice 15-game stretch and people desperately want to believe in "clutch" - he's as good as gone.  Crede is the only other possibility I'd entertain resigning.  After yet another year torpedoed by injuries, the market for him is likely to be even lower than last season.  Would he sign here for one year, $1 million?  $2 million?  Seriously, if he would sign for that kind of money he's a no-brainer.  Hell, even 2 years at $2 million per year is probably worth it.

-  The last thing is trades, and if you are seriously contemplating trading Nathan, Morneau, or Mauer (I'm talking to you anonymous poster) you are dumber than Audrina (although not nearly as hot).  None of them should be traded (and I assume the Mauer part is shtick) unless somebody comes up to Billy Smith and seriously blows his skirt up with an offer.  Although imagine the offer they could get for Mauer.  What if the Rangers offered Neftali Feliz, Justin Smoak, Elvis Andrus, Taylor Teagarden, and Brandon McCarthy?  Seriously.  You would have to take that.  But that's the kind of thing I'm talking about.  Other than that, you shouldn't trade any of those three, unless you can somehow get Joakim Soria in some way.

-  The very last thing I'll say, is that the Brewers tried to get either Adam Lind or Travis Snider from the Blue Jays or Clay Buchholz from the Red Sox for J.J. Hardy before settling for Carlos Gomez.  Wow.  That is like trying to get with Lindsay Lohan circa 2004 and ending with this recent trainwrecky and not in a good way version.  Also, as I close this post, that reminds me that I mentioned Audrina somewhere up above and as such, this must now happen:

That was her when we left the bar the other night.  You all have a nice day.

Mali-BOOOO! (Live Movie Blog)

Clearly I haven't learned my lesson yet, because I am once again back with another live movie blog. Tonight I will be taking on Malibu Shark Attack, a Sci Fi SyFy original movie that aired for the first time about a month or so ago, but which I am just not getting around to watching. Even though it's the movie out of that marathon I am most looking forward to, I'm also very nervous that it will suck. Spring Break Shark Attack was wildly successful at creating a good shark movie, and I loved it, and this one seems, at least I hope, to have that kind of potential. All I want is a realistic, well-done shark movie. I don't even need great acting, and don't need great effects. Just be realistic, and don't be stupid. Please. Think of the children.

- Ok, before the opening credits even roll, we see a shark eat a grouper, and then that shark gets eaten by a much bigger shark. This leads me to believe we are going to be dealing with some some of freakishly large shark, so you can probably thrown out my hope of a realistic movie right away. Nothing like crushing my dreams in the first ten seconds.

- Our main characters look to all be life guards so far. Remember Baywatch? Nicole Eggert was the hottest one.

- Shit. I just read the DirectTV summary for this: An Earthquake unleashes huge, prehistoric sharks that terrorizes the California coast. Great.

- We just saw a pack of these prehistoric sharks, and they look like goblin sharks. Now while that might be the coolest name for an animal ever, it's a curious choice for an antagonist animal in a movie. Yes, they look scary, but their max length is only about 10 feet and they are skinny for their size (max weight = 350 lbs., like your mom) and as such have very little power. They also don't attack humans, and usually eat small fish and squid (note: not the giant kind). They also aren't prehistoric, they actually live now. I now this because I spent an hour a while back watching a documentary called, "Quest for the Goblin Shark" on The Science Channel. And they found one. And they accidentally get caught in nets all the time. Not prehistoric. Photo evidence:

Scary looking? Yes. A danger to humans? No. Prehistoric? No.

- Oh, and also they don't travel in schools. Mother F. We're five minutes in and already set a record for scientific inaccuracies.

- I just found out I'm going to be able to go to the opening game at TCF Bank Stadium. I'm not exactly the world's biggest college football fan, but I'm pretty stoked.

- One of the female lifeguards looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal if she died her hair blonde and then injected an assload of testosterone into her body while smoking a carton of cigarettes.

- Holy god the acting in this is maybe the worst we've had yet. At least a cute blonde girl finally showed up. And we've already had three shark-related fatalities. Plus, it's on a beach so there's lots of bikinis running about. But still, the acting. Oof.

- Some dude who looks like Michael Madsen just proposed to some old lady life guard. This guarantees the old lady lifeguard is going to be the heroine. You watch.

- Some teenages are now drinking beer and going parasailing, which, if they had watched some other shark movie I can't remember right now, they would know that parasailing is a good way to get chomped by a shark. Which, by the way, are now definitely confirmed as goblin sharks after a few close ups. This is so weird. There are plenty of really scary and awesome sharks out there, but they go with a small, harmless shark and magically give it not only the aggression, but the tools to kill people.

I get why you might not want to do Great Whites, which have been done to death, but why not switch to the Tiger? That thing is totally wicked awesome, but Spring Break Shark Attack is the only movie to feature it. The Bull Shark attacks more people than any other shark, but as far as I know, the only movie made featuring a bull is something called Red Water, starring Kristy Swanson and Mr. Belding (and which I can't find on tv, ever). The point is you don't have to give a species attributes it doesn't possess just because it has a cool name - there are tons of cool sharks still waiting for movies to be made about them.

- During all that those kids what were parasailing got eaten. And now there was another earthquake and there is a tsunami alert. That's another thing that's been bugging me; why do all these shark/croc/squid movies feel the need to toss in a natural disaster, too? When Luke and Han got all effed up in Empire Strikes Back, they didn't feel the need to have a cyclone come whipping into Cloud City.

- Cute blonde girl is now in a bikini top, and she's running down the beach with a young male lifeguard who I am going to call Tackleberry. She is very bouncy and very natural. He runs like a fag. Seriously. You know that kid in elementary school who didn't have the coordination enough to even run and kind of looked special at Track & Field Day running the 50 meters? Like that, but with more gay.

- Preceeding the Tsunami, a Goblin Shark washes up on the beach in front our lifeguards. Somehow old lady lifeguard is smart enough to identify it as a Goblin Shark, but also goes with the, "they are supposed to be extinct" followed in the next sentence by "they are really rare." Which is it, lady? Extinct, or rare? Because you can't have both. And, as discussed earlier, they aren't supposed to be extinct. Not even a little bit. Stop lying.

- I just looked up that blonde girl, and her name is Chelan Simmons. She's done a lot of work, but nothing that really stands out with the exception of Stephen King's It, in which she played the little girl who gets killed first when Pennywise returns. I suppose I should supply a picture (not of when she was a little girl, pervo).



- The tsunami has hit the life guard tower with our heroes still in it. Luckily, it hit with the force of someone taking a bucket of water and tossing it at the tower. Unluckily, it seems the entire beach is now underwater, and they are trapped in the tower (which is half-submerged). I'm guessing this is where the sharks come in.

- There's also a house near the beach where a bunch of construction workers are trapped now too. There was some whole sub-plot going on with them but I wasn't really paying attention so I don't know what it was. Seems better for all of us that way.

- That hot blonde chick got her leg whacked and is now bleeding . the blood which is seeping into the water and attracting the thought-to-be-extinct goblin sharks. The goblin sharks OF DOOM.

- It seems she needs stitches, but since they're trapped the only possibility is to have the manly Maggie Gyllenhaal stitch her up with needle and thread. Ouch. This girl is quite the screamer. Tackleberry is either grossed out or turned on - he's not exactly the king of emoting through facial expressions.

- Wow. Way to drag out a scene of a chick getting stitches for 20 minutes in a god damn shark movie. And this chick is way less hot now. What a whiner. Talk about high maintenance. She's the J-Lo of shark movie chicks.

- Speaking of high maintenance, I miss Super Sioux Fan.

- I still can't get over pack-hunting, aggressive, human-killing goblin sharks. Which by the way are continually circling this life guard stand because a couple of drops of blood fell in the water a half hour ago.

- Oh for christ's sake. The old lady life guard, the one who identified these sharks as "extinct" goblin sharks, just told one of the other life guards that they are "the same species as the Great White." First of all, goblin sharks aren't related to great whites in the slightest, except they both have the word "shark" in their name and both live in the ocean. Second, if goblin sharks were the same species as Great Whites, they'd just be Great Whites. Great white is it's own species, as is goblin shark. As is cat. And dog. That sentence is like saying, "Hey, that cow is the same species as that spider." I'm going to kill this movie.

- And now they use echo-location to find their prey. Like bats. Which, I think this goes without saying, is completely untrue in every way. If you're going to completely make stuff up, I'd go with a shark whose fins were actually chainsaws.

- Sentence just uttered, "this is a species of shark that hasn't been seen in millions of years." Even Mrs. W laughed at that one, and said, "Didn't we just watch a documentary on this kind of shark?" Yes. Yes we did. We were lucky we caught that one. It's not often you get to see footage of a creature that hasn't been seen in millions of years.

- Remember the part where I mentioned that the old lady lifeguard just got engaged so she would end up living until the end? Well the sharks must have echo-located her standing in the guard tower, because they rammed it from the bottom and then ate the crap out of her. So yeah, I was way off. They were probably pissed from all the disinformation and false rumors she was spreading about them.

- I would try to describe how dumb this scene just was, but I seriously don't have the words.

- Hm. It seems the construction people in that house are unaware of our little shark problem, because some chick just decided to go swim to the mainland to try to find a boat. Well, let's just say the construction workers are fully aware of the sharks now.

- Oh, and I guess they can jump now because they just got another construction guy who was standing on the dock. Mrs. W is currently cackling out loud at the effects in this movie. I haven't touched on them yet, but they are wretched. I think Jaws for Nintendo had better animation than this - better plot, too.

- I think I'll probably write more on the Twins' moves at some point, but real quick: We should be very fired up by the Jon Rauch acquisition. The guy is a top flight set up man, and has experience as a closer. He immediately displace Guerrier as the 8th inning righty. Mahay is kind of meh, but at the same time he upgrades the Twins bullpen just by his experience and the fact that almost all the bullpen guys suck. He's 38 and has fallen off a bit this year, but has been a pretty good reliever throughout his career. He should take half the Jesse Crain role, with Guerrier slipping down to take the other half, while Crain takes over mop up duty.

For the starters, obviously I would love it if they can swing a way to get Harden. Even if he only pitches 6 times, that will probably be the Twins six best chances to win the rest of the year. If Harden doesn't work out, I've heard Penny has a decent chance of ending up here (although how sweet would it be to get both). He hasn't been as good as he used to, and he's no Harden, but once again, he'd probably be the team's best pitcher, so I'm all for it.  Although after watching Duensing, maybe we just try to pitch him every other day?

- Some studly lifeguard guy is going to make a swim for it from the tower. Apparently he's not scared of this echo-location garbage. The douchenozzles in the tower are going to distract the sharks by yelling. You know, because sound travels through water so well. And there's the, you know, echo-location problem to deal with. And for some reasons the sharks keep trying to get through the hole they already broke in the bottom of the thing to eat the lady who was full of lies.

- I guess stud daddy McGee was just trying to get the flare gun which was at the bottom of the ocean - which he did. But then he shot a shark with it - the only flare which he just risked his life to go after. So basically after all that we're at teh same point we were before, except now there's no flares even at the bottom of the ocean, and that hot chick still hasn't taken her top off. I know it's SyFy, but a boy can dream.

- Ugh, that "same species" comment is really getting to me. What she really should have said was that goblin sharks are of the same order as great whites and also are not at all extinct. See, because goblin sharks and great whites both belong to the order of lamniformes, one of the two main orders of sharks (carcharhiniformes being the other main order, including bulls and tigers), however order is three levels removed from species (order, family, genus, species) so really, they aren't that closely related at all. For reference, poodles and polar bears are of the same order - and thus are just as related as goblin sharks and great whites. As are hippos and giraffes. This movie didn't even try.

- Two of the construction workers got a fishing boat and are coming to get the life guards, even though they never were actually able to fire the flare. As they are driving across the water, they are throwing dynamite into the water to keep the sharks away. Trust me, that sentence sounds awesome, but somehow this movie has managed to destroy the long held equation: sharks + explosions = pimp.

- Recently started watching Mad Men. Pretty good so far. Makes me long for the good old days when you could treat a woman like a piece of meat and get drunk at work. But have you noticed that Dom Draper's house looks exactly like the Nightmare on Elm Street house? Super creepy.

- Did you know there is such a thing as a crocodile shark? Now that is a sweet name. Of course, it's the smallest member of the order lamniformes (the same as the Great White - duhn duhn duhn) at only 3 feet long. But it did wreak some serious havoc by biting a bunch of undersea fiberoptic cables laid by AT&T and causing a ton of damage - which I think was actually the plot of Shark Attack 3 and the worst book ever written, Meg by Steve Alten. THE MAIN CHARACTER ENDS UP WALKING AROUND INSIDE A MEGALODON OMG WTF!!!! Don't ever read that.

- A perch and a barracuda are of the same order. Think about that the next time you laugh at a perch. They're practically the same species.

- The world's smallest fishing boat apparently can fit seven people, and the constructioners pick up our life guard friends. The sharks neglect to ram this smallest of boats despite having rammed several boats earlier that were even bigger. But, bummer of all bummers, they run out of gas. They ran out of gas. They have no more fuel. Sometimes I wish I was just making these movies up in my head, and nobody had actually green lighted scripts like this.

-Ugh.  Somehow, despite having no fuel, they magically drifted to the construction house.  Well, not quite to the construction house, they stopped about 25 feet from it for no explainable reason, and are now sitting there and "have to swim for it."  The sharks show up, and old man who got engaged to super-uninformed and now digesting in a shark's belly life guard lady jumps in and swims away from the house to distract the sharks.  Some would say that was noble.  Others, like me, would say he just wants his time on this movie to finally end.

- Now they are in the basement of the construction house, which is half flooded of course, and also of course, somehow a shark got in and is now stalking Tackleberry and hot blondie.  Luckily, Tackleberry saves blondie and severely injures the shark with a chainsaw.  Yep, you read that right.

- Main construction guy somehow blew it up by doing something with some pipes.  I seriously have no idea.  That made less sense than Christina Aguilera marrying that little troll guy she married.

- Ewww.  That manly Maggie G. is now making out with studly McLifeguard.  Gross.  And they appear to be in a truck which is half underwater.  I don't remember how they got there.  That scene must have been hell for that actor guy.

- For some reason Lifeguard guy just got out of the truck and into the water, and of course a shark came after him which he of course then killed using a chainsaw.  Again.  This is so weird.

- They just killed the last shark, this time by trapping and then stabbing it to death with various construction tools.  Then they are finally picked up by helicopter and this garbage is over, but not before we find out that Studly Lifeguard and main construction guy are both in love with manly Maggie.  She says, "How do you boys feel about sharing your toys?"  I'm totally not kidding.  She just proposed a threesome.

Overall, this was awful.  Bad story, faulty science to a degree last seen in a second-grader's story, and put the cherry on top, there were like, no main characters killed.  The end total was five still living, which is an embarrasment itself, and that was out of like seven characters we were actually introduced to.  I had such high hopes, but this might have been the worst one yet.  I'm still not sure why I keep doing this to myself.