Week in Review - 3/15/2010

Whew.   Were you like me and had your heart drop when Florida popped up on the screen?  Terrifying, but ultimately the committee made the right choices and the Gophers were rewarded for an incredible last week of ball.  I like the matchup quite a bit, too.  Not necessarily because I think the Gophers will have an easy time with Xavier or anything, but mainly because I think that region is pretty weak.  If they can get by the Musketeers, they get the weakest three seed in the second round.  They also caught a pretty big break by playing in Milwaukee, where they should have a sizable advantage in fans.

One thing is for sure, it's exciting, and the season no longer goes down as a failure.  I'll be back with a true preview before I head out to Chicago with Snacks and Snake, but for now I'm predicting a Gopher win.


WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Colt Iverson.  How did this happen?  And I'm not even talking numbers, although basically scoring double his season average in every game is impressive, but his game was completely unrecognizable and I mean that in a good way.  His moves were suddenly polished, and he had a lot of them.  He now suddenly has a drop step.  He's using shot fakes beautifully and looks like Kevin McHale down there.  He can score with either hand.  I have no idea what is going on here.  I thought his upside was going to be like a Greg Ostertag rebounder/enforcer type who is most valuable for setting picks and his five fouls per game, but suddenly things have gotten really interesting.  If this is for real, the Gophers are suddenly a dangerous team.  Please let this be for real - like the Loch Ness Monster - and not some kind of false production - like the Moon Landing.

2.  San Diego State.  If you're on the bubble going into your conference tournament there is one surefire way to make sure you get a bid - win the whole thing, and that's what the Aztecs did, winning the MWC tournament, including wins over UNLV and New Mexico.  SDSU is a dangerous team, and they went 2-1 against New Mexico this year with the loss being by just two points.  Drawing Tennessee is always a mystery since they are the kind of team who could either flame out early or go on a deep run, but I'm calling an Aztec upset in the first round.

3. Duke.  It's always tough to praise Duke, but they did what a lot of other regular season conference champions couldn't manage and they went out and won their conference tournament.  They got lucky a bit in that Maryland got knocked out early by Georgia Tech, but winning the ACC is still winning the ACC.  As a bonus, they picked up the fourth #1 seed and were somehow placed in the easiest region in the history of college basketball.  But, since they're Duke, I'm sure they'll still screw it up somehow.

4.  Ohio.  Every year some middling team from a smaller conference gets hot and makes a run, winning their conference tournament and setting themselves up to get their doors blown off in the first round.  This year, that honor goes to the Ohio Bobcats for winning the MAC, with Georgetown being the doors-blow-offer.  Kent State or Akron would have been a dangerous foe, but they couldn't get it done so now we're saddled with the crappy Bobcats.  And how tough is that region?  The top five seeds are all legit Final Four contenders, including probably the best #1 and best #2.  It should end up playing pretty close to form as I only see one real first round upset possibility, but whoever ends up coming out of there is really going to have to earn it.

5.  Second-Tier basketball tournaments.  I know nobody really gives a crap about the NIT, CBI, or CIT because the only thing that matters is the NCAA Tournament, and I agree with a lot of that, but I also really like the second-tier tournaments.  There's some intrigue with these.  Illinois and Dayton ended up in the same bracket, and that would be a pretty good matchup.  Will either UCONN or North Carolina put their talent together finally and play well, or have they completely given up for the year?  And if nothing else, be thankful they exist so there's some college ball to watch/wager on all week long.



WHO SUCKED

1.  Conference USA.  It looked like this might be a break-through year for C-USA with a legitimate chance of them getting four teams in the dance depending on how the conference tourney shook out.  It shook alright, with Memphis and UAB both getting dumped by crappy teams in the quarters, ending both team's NCAA dreams and assuring that outside of UTEP, nobody would be getting an at-large bid from the conference.  They did manage to get two team's in thanks to Houston's championship win, but the Cougars are crappy and UTEP got a shitty seed, so there's a good chance C-USA goes 0 for the tournament this year.

2.  Virginia Tech.  This is the team that most people seem to have a problem with being excluded from the tournament, but the Hokies aren't even close to deserving a bid.  That 23-8 mark looks nice, but their non-conference Strength of Schedule ranked a ridiculous 344th in the country.  Their only non-conference wins over teams that are even remotely not god awful were over Penn State and Georgia, pretty much the defining line before you get to god awful.  And as good as a 10-6 conference mark looks, they didn't beat either Duke or Maryland.  Combine all that with a first round loss to Miami in the ACC tournament, and there is no way the Hokies deserved a bid.  Sorry VT, maybe try to schedule some real teams in the future.

3.  Dayton.  Well it is now official - this year's trip to Chicago will be a bit hollow, since when we go to the Dayton bar there won't be any Dayton fans there, unless I guess maybe there's an NIT game or something.  Considering they were supposed to be at the top of the A-10 and be a sweet-16 type team, this year can't be considered anything other than a disaster.  Other than one win over Xavier and an early non-conference victory over Georgia Tech, they couldn't beat anybody, whiffing on games against Villanova, Kansas State, and New Mexico, and they lost plenty of games they couldn't afford to lose.  Coming down the stretch they lost games to St. Louis, Richmond, and Duquesne.  Losing to Richmond and St. Louis might have been manageable, but the loss to Duquesne was a crusher. 

4.  Mississippi State.  Jarvis Varnado deserves better than the NIT, but for the second straight year MSU didn't do enough to get into the tournament and had to try to win SEC tournament to get in.  Last year it worked, this year it came just short.  The Bulldogs were damn close though, leading Kentucky by three with 4.9 seconds to go in the game.  The Wildcats, however, pulled off the rare intentionally miss a free throw, get the rebound and score to tie the game move and sent it into overtime where they ended up winning and sent MSU to the NIT.  Hopefully they can play well and at least make it to Madison Square Garden and send Varnado out in style, a player like that deserves it.  I'm really going to miss him.

5.  Northwestern.  Ouch.  From 10-1 media sleeper sensation to earn their first ever NCAA bid all the way to a 7 seed in the NIT (and will play vs. Rhode Island in round 1).  I'm not too worried about them though, they'll almost certainly get a bid next year.  With Shurna and Thompson both back, Coble returning from injury, and Drew Crawford getting better they have a real chance at an upper-division finish in the conference next year.  That sounds weird.

THE GOPHERS MADE THE TOURNAMENT!!!!!

Week in Review: 1/18/2010 (Alternate Title: WTF?)

They lost to Indiana?  How does that even happen?  Especially after forcing overtime with a semi-miraculous comeback?  I suppose I can see just falling asleep.  I mean Admiral Ackbar even warned that it was a trap, so I can't forgive, but I can understand getting submarined like that.  But to come back and force overtime and then choke it away?  Once you get to OT your superior talent is supposed to win out.  What's that?  You don't think they have superior talent?  I think you might be right.  More on that later.  For now my rage is such that I can't even get upset that Mike Redmond is gone.  Let's just move right along. [NOTE:  most of this was written before the Gopher loss.  You'll be able to tell which parts were written after.]

WHO WAS AWESOME

1.  Sid Rice/Brett Favre.  I saved this spot just for a Vikings win and now we have one.  But the Gophers' lost, and now I can barely bring myself to care.  Woopity doo, now you can go get destroyed by the Saints and the bottom 50% of IQs in the state will all kill themselves.  Good for Favre for not going negative gunslinger and throwing three or four picks, good for Sid for becoming "equivalent to Larry Ftiz" according to Snacks, and good for the Vikings for winning.  Sorry, but I just can't care after that pathetic Gopher performance.  

2.  Ohio State.  Evan Turner comes back, and suddenly the Buckeyes are what I thought they were and proved it in a big way this week, winning at Purdue and then following it up by beating the Badgers in Columbus.  Turner carried them over the Boilers, putting up 32 points and 9 boards, but the win over Wisconsin might have been more impressive because although Turner played ok, Lighty and Buford really carried the team.  Those three, along with the shooting of Jon Diebler, are about as good as it gets anywhere in the country.  Maybe they don't have a good enough big man or a true point guard and that might hurt them in March, but I still say these guys are legit final four contenders.  

3.  Syracuse.  I'll be honest, I've kind of been waiting for the Cuse to drop off because I just don't think this year's team is nearly as talented as they have been in year's past - and even last year.  Who would have thought losing Eric Devendorf, Paul Harris, and Jonny Flynn would make a team better?  From what I'm reading this year's version is really buying into the "team" concept and really play well together, something that has been an issue with Boeheim's teams in the past (I'm looking at you, Donte Greene).  Whatever the reason is, it's definitely working, and going into Morgantown and beating a really freaking good West Virginia team is really impressive and is the step that finally convinced me that this is a legit National Contending team.  They're very balanced (seven guys score 8.6+ points per game and five grab at least three boards), they have nice inside/outside flow, penetrating guards, and good outside shooters, and have a legit star in Wes Johnson.  Look out for the Orange.     

4.  Pitt.  I really, really dislike doing this because I think Pitt is my third most hated college program after Wisconsin and Iowa, but the Panthers are for real and are almost certainly going to make the NCAA Tournament to be boring for yet another year.  They had two monster wins this week, beating UCONN in Storrs in what might have been the most impressive win of the season thus far, and following it up with a big comeback and then win in overtime against Louisville.  They are now 5-0 in Big East play (including road wins against UCONN, Cincinnati, and Syracuse) and Ashton Gibbs has turned into a super star.  At least he's not as annoying as Brandin Knight or Carl Krauser or LeVance Fields.  Although that's not saying much. 

5.  Jarvis Varnado.  When I drew the first pick in my Fantasy College Basketball League, my heart said to take Varnado, the F/C from Mississippi State who blocks shots the way Dawger tosses out stupid opinions, but my head got in the way and said take Harangody - the safe pick.  He was the leading returning scorer from last year and was guaranteed the be the focal point of the offense.  Well, I should have taken Varnado.  This guy is incredible.  He notched his second triple-double of the season (and 3rd or 4th of his career, I'm too lazy to look it up) on Thursday in a win over Arkansas with 17 points, 12 rebounds, and 10 blocks, and then followed that up on Saturday with a 14-14-6 performance against Georgia.  He is currently leading the nation in blocked shots (this would make the third straight year), and increased his rebounding this year to 11 per game (from 9) and his scoring to 14 (from 13), all while increasing his shooting percentage from 55 to 62 percent.  Such as stud.  NBADraft.net right now projects him as the 29th overall pick this year - that's a steal.


WHO SUCKED

1.  Gopher basketball.  WTF?  I just don't get it.  I'm just glad I missed most of this game.  I have a feeling if I had watched this whole game I'd probably have to kill myself.  Serious question:  are we allowed to question Tubby now?  I know we weren't allowed to before, but we have to get to now, right?  And how does Verdell Jones get to the line 19 times?  And how does a team get out-rebounded 40-29 and give up 17 offensive rebounds?  Does any of this make a lick of sense?  Oh wait, sure does when you realize this team belongs no where near the NCAA Tournament.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to just stop watching games.  This is going to become nothing but a "bad movie live blog" blog.  I hope you'll stop by anyway.  I'm just so sick of being a Gopher basketball fan.  Not sure I can do it anymore.  Colton Iverson is terrible.  Tubby Smith is getting outcoached in damn near every game.  Just as Ralph is maybe coming into his own a bit, everybody else takes a step backward.  Westbrook disappeared again, and this time he took Nolen with him.  Does anybody else think it's time for Tubby to pick his 8 guys and just go with it?  Depth is great, but when it comes at the expense of developing players, chemistry, and familiarity with each it's no longer an asset, but a detriment.  I think we're at that point.      


2.  Purdue.  Time to start worrying?  Probably not quite just yet, but this was a terrible week for the Boilers who are suddenly a second-division Big Ten team.  Final Four teams don't usually have weeks where they go 0-2, particularly when their two games are a home game and a roadie against a lower division conference foe, but that's just what Purdue did.  They lost a barnburner at home to Ohio State, which is acceptable since the Buckeyes are also a final four caliber squad, but followed it up with a loss to Northwestern which raises some questions.  Are the Wildcats really that good?  Are the Boilers really not that good?  Was this just a fluke?  Why have the Boilers suddenly lost three in a row after starting out 14-0?  The answer to all these questions is that they are ignoring JaJuan Johnson, which is the worst decision since sliced bread.  Johnson hasn't gotten more than seven shots in a game during this losing streak, while Moore and Hummel continue to chuck it up.  Refusing to get the ball inside?  Does Tubby coach Purdue now too?

3.  North Carolina.  Well there's really no way around it anymore, the Tar Heels are effed up this year and have now fallen to 1-2 in the conference after losses at Clemson and at home against Georgia Tech this week.  Neither of those losses are bad if you are a "normal" team, but for UNC alarm bells should be dinging like a Gaydar around Steve Esselink - there are some major problems.  Larry Drew might not be a big time point guard and freshman Dexter Strickland isn't ready to take over yet.  Ed Davis and John Henson are seemingly lacking some sort of motivation/mental toughness.  Deon Thompson is a really, really dumb player, and Marcus Ginyard and Tyler Zellar are both battling injuries.  The Ginyard thing might be the biggest deal, since he could be the senior leader that the team really needs.  In any case, the Heels now have some serious work to do if they are going to make the tournament.  

4.  Wichita State.  I know the Shockers were starting to eye up an at-large bid at 13-2 with a win over Texas Tech on the resume and no bad losses, but they can't afford to drop games like they did on Saturday at Creighton.  This isn't the Creighton program you remember, this is the Creighton program that is now just 10-9 this year and has lost to teams like Indiana State and Iona already - in other words, this is a bad loss.  The MVC isn't strong enough this year to send more than Northern Iowa + 1 team max to the dance, and that +1 is either going to be the Shockers or Illinois State if either of them can rip through conference play (assuming no major upset winner of the conference tournament).  The games against mediocre road teams are a good tester between a tournament team and an NIT team, and Wichita failed this test.    

5.  Penn State.  You lost to Iowa, dude.  Remember in Eurotrip, how the twin brother and sister accidentally end up making out because they have too much absinthe, and then after that it doesn't matter what the brother said because Cooper alwasy just says, "YOU MADE OUT WITH YOUR SISTER!"  That's what this is like.  Only far more embarrassing.  Talor Battle must be just seconds away from going postal at all times.  His teammates shot just 38% while he shot fifty.  Ugh.  This is just terrible.  I know they're good for football and that their is talk of expansion, but has anybody thought about booting PSU back out and returning the Big Ten to ten teams?  I'm serious. [NOTE:  I wrote this entry before the Gophers decided to lose to Indiana.  That is far more embarrassing.  It's not close.]


I also want to put you on notice regarding Avery Bradley, the freshman point guard for Texas.  I wasn't able to put him in the awesome section if though I wanted to because he put up a pretty big stinker on Saturday against Texas A&M, but I got to watch him on Wednesday against Iowa State and he is awesome - if it wasn't for John Wall he would be the best freshman I've seen play this year.  Check him out.

Also I can't wait to check out the Gopher Hole.  I can't wait to see how people spin this.

Dinocroc = Johnny Lawrence? (Live Movie Blog)

Next up on your live movie blog excitement is a little ditty called "Dinocroc" brought to you by the same jackasses who brought you "Supergator", or as I like to call it, Super Gay.....tor.  It's funny because it's a gay joke.  Oh relax.  Anyway, our synopsis is "Several townspeople step forward to save their community form the jaws of a prehistoric reptile."  Sounds a lot like Lake Placid, which was good.  Somehow I doubt this will be. On to the fun.......

-  We're in Australia, and right away there's some crocodile dundee dressed guy hunting crocs.  I can only assume this is a bad sign.  Although on the other hand, he just got eaten.  Things are looking up.

-  God, nothing makes my balls shrivel up and bile rise in my throat like seeing that "Roger Corman Productions" banner show up.  I ran this down for you in the Supergator live blog, but as a refresher, "it was produced by Roger Corman, who is notorious for shoveling out horrible movies. He's produced 386 movies according to IMBD, and other than Piranha, not a single one is a good movie (unless I missed one). Most of these have names like "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women", "800 Leagues Down the Amazon", and "Dino Croc" (although I might have to try to find this one), as well as the god awful Carnosaur series and like nine Bloodfist movies. I do like the cheesy movies, but this guy is pretty much always a failure."  Alright!  Who's fired up now?

-  Now we're heading into a genetics laboratory, who I assume will be at fault for creating a giant croc that wreaks havoc on the community before it is saved by Costas Mandylor.  Poor Science.  These movies always do two things:  mangle any scientific fact they try to bring into play and blame careless scientists for creating monsters.  Oh yeah, well if you can't keep your facts straight, maybe you are the careless one!  Maybe all these deaths are on you!  I don't want....your life!

-  Oh snap!  One of the genetically engineered baby crocs killed the other!  Now the main science lady is in their lair or whatever investigating what's going on.  Do you think she shut the door?  Or do you think she left it open, is about to get killed, and the dinocroc will escape?  Before you guess, I want you to keep in mind that the "baby" dinocrocs are already about 10 feet long, and she went in their pen with a tazer and a pen.  Now you guess.

-  Here's the plan to get the croc back:  feed it at the same place and same time every night until they can capture it.  I don't get it.  If you know where it is enough to feed it, then just capture it.  It's only 10 feet long right now, but "grows at an incredible rate."  And their "bait" is a dog.  So they're going to chain the dog to a post in some random area of the swamp (NOTE:  There's always a swamp) and just assume dinocroc will show?  Except now the jackass let the dog run away, and dinocroc actually did show up.  To eat the guy. So I guess this plan is going flawlessly.

-  I think that's Jamie Walters playing the main dude in this.  Nope, looked it up, it's some guy who isn't anybody, but looks just like Jamie Walters.  So that's what we are going to call him.  He's the male lead, and the female lead is some chick who is a Veterinarian.  Right now they are looking for a lost dog with three legs - the very same dog who was almost bait for the Dinocroc!  What an incredible twist!

-  Some 100 year old dude is tracking the Dinocroc using sonar and what not, and he's got a bead on him.  I also have no idea who this guy is or where he came from, I guess I missed that part

-  Vet girl and Vinnie from Blossom are now playfully splashing each other with swamp/lake water - you know, because that's what people do - completely oblivious that the Dinocroc is stalking them.  Luckily, crotchety old man in the boat knows it, and he essentially rams them to get them out of the water.  No sign of the croc.  So basically absolutely nothing happens in this scene.

-  Turns out the old guy is affiliated with the genetics company that created these crocs in the first place.  And now he's taken the two leads to their lab, getting them into the restricted access area, spilling their company secrets, and basically telling them about every skeleton in this company's closet.  Why?  Because they were in the water when the croc was around, of course.  Seriously, I have no idea.  This is like, a vet and a construction worker, there's no reason at all to even bring them into the fold, especially since they weren't even aware there was a large crocodilian on the loose in their area.  I'm SHOCKED that this movie isn't making any logical sense.

-  Ok, I guess they are the local animal control officer and reptile expert.  Makes a little more sense, but just a little.  They've also brought in the "Quint" guy now.  You know, the badass, tough as nails, manly man who is an expert at killer crocs.  Yeah, he's here now.

-  Obligatory scene with drunk rednecks going hunting illegally on a game park reserve in the middle of the night ($20 says Super Sioux Fan has done this).  The both got eaten in super undramatic and lame fashion, and all we ever see of the dinocroc so far is an obviously computer generated flash of it's tail.  Building suspense like Jaws did, or too cheap a budget to show it's title monster?  You decide, but let me tell you there was more suspense for the second half of the gopher/bulldog basketball game than I'm feeling right now.  More sexual tension, too.  These two leads are terrible.

-  I just looked them up, and neither lead actor had done much before, and niether has done much since.  Basically this was their one shot at glory, and they failed.  Like Darius Washington.

-  So I've been doing a lot of thinking about fantasy college basketball, and I think I might just go with Varnado as the #1 pick (although I'm trying to trade draft slots to get to 3rd or 4th).  He's the player that would be the most fun, and if he continues to improve like he has been he'll be a super stud.  But then again, you can't win your league in the first round, but you can lose it so I should just go Harangody since he is a sure thing and will be the offensive focal point for that team.  I just hope somebody trades draft spots with me so I don't have to worry about it.   

-  Ok, there it is.  It's big and, just like the Super Gator, is some kind of cross between a croc and a T-Rex, and loves to roar, even more than your average shark.  Actually, I think this is basically the exact same movie as Super Gator.  Except this time it's a croc, and last time was an alligator.  Nice job, Corman, keep beating that horse.

-  $11 million for Cuddy?  LO-mother effing-L.

-  The swamp from before is now a lake, and a lake where billions of people have shown up to ski and boogie board and whatever else you young people like to do.  I understand that this suddenly makes a lot more deaths possible, and there are suddenly bikinis involved, but I'd at least like an explanation - even a half-assed one.

-  Fake Quint just dove in the water to try to "flush it out", speaking about the Dinocroc that has been surface feeding on swimmers like a largemouth on a hula popper for the last ten minutes.  I don't know that this plan makes much sense.  Maybe he's planning to wrestle it to death under water.

-  Well now the old guy just fell in the water.  And not because the boat was rammed or anything that made sense, just because he was old apparently.  I don't know, I guess his hip failed or something.

-  Hm.  Now the media swarms have decended on that genetics company in order to demand answers about the deaths, which is weird because we haven't seen anything about a leak to the media and the only people who have seen that this thing is some sort of mutant are either on the genetics company's side or dead.  In other word's, other than their weird old dude getting eaten, there's no reason to connect this to the company.  Especially since they are in Florida, and everything actually points to this just being a crocodile with a taste for human flesh.  This movie is really giving Occam's Razor the finger.

-  Let's see, the Sheriff wants to go after the croc with "all the firepower we have", while the "good guys" want to use carbon monoxide.  I swear I'm not making that up.  Boggles the mind.

-  OMG, one of the guys who wrote this also wrote Suger Gator, so not only is this the identical movie, it was written by the same guy who somehow now got two paychecks.  Also they just found Steve from Full House's kids bike all mangled.  I remember seeing the croc going after that kid while he was looking for his dog, which somehow has gone on for like three days now, but honestly I can't remember if it killed him or not.  I would assume no, since generally movies don't kill little kids - other than It and Pay it Forward - but that dad guy sure thinks so and he just jumped on his badass moped and drove off by himself, I assume to go after the Dinocroc by himself.  Always a good idea.

-  Nope, I'm wrong.  He went to the bar instead and ordered "a bottle of anything."  Just went up a few notches in my book.

-  By the way, we started going through season one of True Blood again, just because we are getting antsy for season two and my crush for Anna Paquin continues to grow.  You need to do a google search to get to the really good stuff, but for now this will have to do:

 -   In news almost as awesome as Anna Paquin's breasts, Lance Stephenson is officially eligible for Cincinnati.  You can expect to see the Bearcats in the top 10 at some point this year, along with a ton of articles about what a "shocker" it is.  Guess what?  I'm telling you now, it's no shocker.  That team will be a contender to win the Big East.

-  So that guy who thinks his kid is dead even though he probably isn't is having a good cry in his bed, and this like super sad music is playing in the background.  I bet anything the director and Mike Seaver thought that this would be a super powerful scene and we would all cry and it would be like The Notebook and shit.  It's not.  But on the bright side for that guy that chick felt bad and crawled into bed with him and just put his hand on her boob.  I know that would cheer me up.  Good job that chick.  Meanwhile this is all interspersed with shots of the sheriff's guys getting taken down one-by-one by Dinocroc.  It's very much like the Karate Kid, if Daniel-san was the croc and the Cobra Kai was the sheriff and his dorky minions. 

-  The sheriff, aka Sensei, lost five men last night, and now he wants to try their carbon monoxide plan to kill the croc.  Also Vinny wants us to know he's "In" and he wants to killl "that fucker."  Cue montage scene.  Did I or did I not tell you this was like the Karate Kid.  Except the good guys are now the good guys and I guess the croc is now the Cobra Kai.  He did strike hard.  He did strike first.  And he had no mercy.  He also made them "get him a body bag" several times.  This analogy is awesome.

-  I ran the numbers and using our scoring system Harangody outscored the next closest guy (Varnado) by six points per game last year.  There i sno way I can pass that up, and I'm stupid for even trying to trade out of that spot.  So nevermind.  I get to have Harangody.  Yeah.

-  Pretty sure fake Quint is wearing a cowboy hat and a stocking cap.  And also they are using live dogs as bait for the croc.  That's awesome.  People should do that in real life, and I'll tell you why:  dogs suck.  It's a fact.  The only dog ever worth a damn was Snake's dog Tippy, who was great but then went completely psycho when Mrs. Snake popped out their first kid.  So dogs are stupid.  Sorry Bogart.  I like Bender and all, but dogs suck.

-  The sheriff is arresting that chick and that dude because they object to using the dogs as bait.  Frickin' liberal hippies.  And I think the sheriff just said "chum boat."  I would rewind to check, but I don't really want to know if I'm wrong.

-  Yep, it's a chum boat.  They have a chum boat.  Awesome.  I've always kind of wanted to drive the boat around at my parents' cabin and chum.  I don't know that it would accomplish anything, but if there's any monsters lurking, we'd find them.  And it can't hurt the fishing, you know?

-  Something just happened and the two main characters escaped from the truck where they were being held.  Yep, they were being held in a truck.  And now they have somehow acquired blow torch and are using it to melt the handcuffs off each other.  Again, I swear I'm not making this up.

-  We watched some movie called "It's Alive" the another night.  Probably the worst movie ever.  And I've watched A LOT of bad movies. 

-  Holy sweet christ does Taylor Swift look gorgeous with dark hair.  Wow.  Watch Saturday Night Live.  She goes from cute to absolutely amazing.  Trust. (note:  we switched over to SNL.  You probably figured that out.  I'll get back to the movie, I promise.)  Also, am I gay if I like that song of hers about how "you belong with me?"  Big fan.

-  Ok, back to the movie.  I can't remember what is supposed to be happening, but I just saw some really shitty cgi of a large tail which no doubt means Dinocroc is on the movie.  Make your time.

-  Those two dorks are using their gay little blowtorch to free the dogs and melt their chains so they get free.  Forget for a minute that I doubt a handheld blowtorch can reach the melting point of steal, you're being chased by a crocodile/T-Rex hybrid - give up the dogs and just run, morons.

-  that dudes little five volt blowtorch is apparently enough to keep dinocroc at bay.  Conslusion:  Dinocroc is a pussy.  Or, alternatively, a shitty little blowtorch = the crane kick, if we want to torture that analogy a bit more.

-  Vokda + Diet Coke + lime juice = $

-  What happened?  there was a bunch of noise and people staring, and then we faded to black, and now apparently it's all over.  Sheriff claims he killed the thinger, but we saw nothing of the climax.  Normally I'd say we are waiting on a plot twist, but a movie this shitty could very well go ahead and not actually show anything of the climactic battle/fight/dumb crap.

-  By the way, fake Quint didn't do shit and was kind of a pussy the whole movie.  Although we have 15 minutes left right now.  Still time for redemption.  Also did you know Michael Cuddyer will make $11 million in 2011?  That's hilarious.

-  They're making a Dinocroc vs. Supergator movie called "Volcanic" which is already in post-production and stars David Carradine.  Yes, the guy who killed himself accidentally because of the whole auto-erotic aphisxiation thing.  Also in a related note I can't spell asphixiation.

-  Oh, it's still alive.  And Mrs. W wants you to know it "looks like a doll.  Like somebody is standing there going rawr rawr rawr.  This needs to end.  Like ASAP."  She is not amused.  I think she wants to get back to the Taylor Swift thing because I think she has a little crush on her.  So, Taylor, if you're out there:  both me and the missus have a thing for you.  Call me.

-  This thing hates fire as if it was Frankenstein's monster - not Frankenstein, though.  If you ever hear anybody called the monster "Frankenstein" you would be well served by knifing them in the kidney - and they would be better off as well.

-  Do you want to know how this movie ended?  No, you don't.  I'm going to tell you anyway.  The Dinocroc got run over by a train.  A locomotive, if you will.  But it wasn't quite dead, so Pacey stabbed it in the eyeball.  That's going to make it tough to come back for Suepr Gator vs. Dino Croc, but I guess Super Gator got blown up by a volcano, so anything is possible.  It's like heaven for retards.

- So I guess that kid did die.  That's kind of weird. 

-  Jesus.  Right at the very end, before roll credits, the dinocroc walks across the screen and roars.  But they just showed it all dead and crap.  How is that possible?  I guess it's not that hard to come back for the sequel when you're a zombie Dinocroc.  Whatever.  I've seen worse.  Also I'm not sure that "like heaven for retards" joke made sense above, but I'm going to leave it in because it makes me laugh.  Like your face.

-  I was going to be all done here, but I just uploaded that picture of the movie poster and I noticed it says "It feeds on fear."  No it doesn't.  It feeds on mostly humans, and a few dogs.  Also, in order to feed on fear, you need to actually show up.  This stupid thing was on screen like, one minute total of the whole movie.  I wasn't afraid of it, I just wanted to see it.  That movie poster makes me angry.  I'm now going to do nothing.