All-Star Game Jibber Jabber (aka I rock at cooking)

So here was my plan.  I was going to blog about possible other options with Cliff Lee off the board for the Twins tonight and then give a little British Open preview tomorrow.  However I've had a great day.  At work I had the opportunity to meet Disturbed and listen to their new album (dropping 8/31) and it was awesome.  Sounded great and the guys were cool as hell.  Then I came home and my parents came over and I grilled them up the awesomest meal ever:  Herb & Garlic grilled pork chops, grilled lemon pepper asparagus, and grilled seasoned american fries.  It was out of this world good.  And now I have a couple Negra Modelos in me, along with a couple of Brewfarm Selects, and their might have been a daquiri mixed in there, so I'm feeling good, and we're going to blog the All-Star game.  Maybe you'll get some possible Twin targets, and maybe you'll get some British Open.  I don't know.  What am I, Nostradamus?

-  Ok, so we might as well break down this Twins crap.  They aren't going to go after Oswalt or Haren.  Too much money remaining, plus Oswalt has basically ruled out the AL central teams and has a no trade clause, and the D-Backs owner has said he would need to be "blown away" to trade Haren.  Not going to happen.  The Cubs are clearly looking to trade either or both of Ted Lilly or Ryan Dempster, and I am interested in Lilly but Dempster is worthless.  The real problem with Lilly is that he's now the hands down #1 arm on the market, and with just $6 mil this year (pro-rated) and nothing due to him after that, he's an attractive arm and everybody is going to be putting on their lowest cut top and body glitter to go after him.  Pretty sure the Twins philosophy is more Kelly Kapowski than Valerie Malone, so they have no chance.

-  Other options are Jake Westbrook, Kevin Millwood, and Ben Sheets, but do you really think they'd upgrade the Twins rotation?  Oh, right.  Blackburn.  Good point.  Still, I can't imagine anybody being dumb enough to give up anything of substance for any of those guys.

-  Another name I heard on the radio today is Jarrod Washburn, who has been linked to the Twins more often than Audrina to Justin Bobby.  He hasn't pitched all year but somehow a completely mediocre pitcher is going to command a big salary and come in and contribute in a pennant race?  Please.  In all seriousness, as bad as Blackburn and, frankly, the rest of the rotation have been I don't really see any way they can improve unless they can find a way to steal Lilly away.  Of course, if David Kahn was in charge of the Twins he'd trade Orlando Hudson and Jason Kubel for Livan Hernandez and a $7 million trade exemption, so I guess we're lucky tight-ass Billy Smith is in charge.

-  I watched an inning and a half of the all-star whilst typing that and I didn't notice a single thing that was memorable.  Good show, MLB.  The best part of this entire broadcast has been this sneak peek at Inception I'm seeing right now.  Also, and this is really not cool to say, but there is a commercial with MLB players helping out special people, and they showed a guy and I thought, "oh, poor guy, looks like he's doing well for himself though", and it turned out to be Jake Peavy.  I know, I feel bad.  I'm just sayin' is all.

-  So British Open, huh?  My favorite of the majors.  I love the weird times, and I love the weird, unpredictable golf.  I'd love to give you a full breakdown, but I haven't done the necessary research.  I will tell you that either Justin Rose or Ernie Els is going to win though.  I have a couple of sleepers, too, but I'm not ready to release that information.  Maybe for a small fee.  Send me an email.

-  1-0 in the bottom of the sixth.  That over 8.5 is looking AWESOME.

-  You know, right after the first inning they were talking about the weird shadows and how it would be difficult to pick up the ball.  With guys like Ubaldo, Josh Johnson, David Price, etc. pitching early there was no way anybody was going to score.  How is that fair?  How come they don't tell you that before you bet on the over 8.5?  See, this is why all those dicks in Vegas are rich.  Not because gambling is inherently stupid and a losing proposition, but because they are all cheaters.  And dicks.

-  Al Jefferson to the Jazz for a couple picks, which won't be lottery, and a big ole trade exemption.  Well, if hey do something good with that exemption I'll be in favor, but if they eat it to sign guys like Luke Ridnour this is going to be an awful trade, and to be honest I'm not really feeling good.  They are trying or have I'm not sure signed Ridnour to a 4 year/$16 million deal, one year after signing Ramon Sessions to the same deal, and are now trying to trade Sessions.  Honestly, there's no doubt that Kahn is either a genius or is setting Minnesota basketball back ten years, and it's already six years behind everybody else.

-  Capps is 2-2 to Ortiz, shakes off the catcher three times, and then gets Ortiz looking with a tailing heater.  Nicely done.

-  Wow.  Scott Rolen.  .290 with 17 dingers so far this year.  This dude is an ageless wonder.  He's got his 300 homers and will end up around 2,700 career hits.  Not hall of fame numbers, but combined with his great fielding year after year and he's going to end up as one of those really good players who isn't a hall of famer but is still recognized as awfully good.  I dunno, that's gotta count for something.

-  By the way, my dad really, really hates Tim McCarver.  I can't argue with him.

-  You probably haven't noticed because you are probably not smart enough to notice these things, but Derrick Caracter is destroying Summer League.  Steal of a pick for the Lakers.  Remember that when you see him playing meaningful minutes in the playoffs.

-  It' still 1-0 in the bottom of the seventh and I'm finding it awfully hard to pay attention.  Probably has something to do with the wine cooler I'm currently drinking.  Yep, wine cooler.  Because that's all we have left.  Come on, you've been there.

-  This summer, grant us all the power, to drink on top of water towers.

-  Brian McCann just cleared the bases with a bases-loaded double to put the NL up 3-1 and in position for their first win in like 20 years.  Naturally, we took the AL.  FML.

-  Ok, I don't like to admit stuff like this, but who in the hell is Andrew Bailey?  Apparently he is the closer for the A's, and has quite a few saves this year.  I've never heard of him.  Has he been around a long time?  Wait, he was rookie of the year last year?  Are we sure?  Wasn't it Elvis Andrus?  I know way too much about baseball, but I don't know who this guy is.

-  He struck Brandon Phillips out.  Like that's hard.  God this game is taking forever.  There have only been four runs scored and it's already 10:09.

-  I maybe had a little bit of an idea who Andrew Bailey was, but I seriously have never heard of Koby Kalay.

-  You know how if you ever read anything about a good curveball the guy they always point out amongst current players is Adam Wainwright?  There's a reason.

-  John Buck being an all-star makes me sad.

-  And he promptly doubles, although it shouldn't probably count because Matt Holliday did a nice little Delmon Young/Mike Cuddyer impression and let himself get all mixed up and that one hit off his glove.  Seriously, is there a worse defensive outfield than the Twins (outside Denard)?  Let's say you played a game where a machine threw out random flyballs to all areas of the field, and there were two teams who each had to field 10 balls each.  Team one was Delmon, Kubel, and Cuddyer.  Team two is Carlos Gomez.  Who wins?  Seriously.

-  Scene:  3-1 NL, bottom of the seventh, two out, Torii Hunter up in his home park.  Any doubt, any doubt at all that he strikes out against a guy with a breaking ball like Wainwright?

-  1-1 pitch, Wainwright breaker down and away and nowhere near a strike.  Wait, I mean it was strike 2 - swinging.  LOL.

-  1-2 pitch.  Wainwright breaker down and away and nowhere near a strike.  Wait, I mean it was strike 3 - swinging.  LOL.  Seriously.  If it wasn't so predictable it would just be sad.

-  Did you guys know Rafael Soriano is is the first Rays reliever selected to the All-Star game since 2005?  Did you also know that that's probably the stupidest thing I've read in my life?

-  Jack Buck?  That's not right.  Jim?  Jay?  Tim?  Mike?  Whatever.  The son of the good one wants us to know that "Brian Wilson showed up to media day with a mohawk" and his voice sounds as if he has a schoolgirl crush on Wilson because of that bit of teenage rebellion by a 30-year old.  So a crappy retard mohawk is cool, but the fake mooning Randy Moss did is the most disgusting thing in sports history?  This guy sucks.  He almost makes Chris Berman listenable but not really because I'd rather stab my face off than listen to Berman for more than 6 seconds at a time.

-  Valverde struck out the side in the top of the ninth, so to win both our bets we somehow need the AL to score five runs.  Could easily happen, but would take some luck.  I'm struggling to come up with any good closer in the NL who could shut this thing down, so I'm thinking it's a lock for the AL.

-  Broxton?  This is a gimme for the AL.

-  Base hit Ortiz.  Like Fergie said, let's get it started uh huh, let's get it started in here.......

-  Beltre strikes out but that's not a surprise because that guy sucks.  Not sure what Girardi is saving A-Rod for.  Don't think Nick Punto is due up anytime soon.  Also every single pitcher has hit 99 on the gun tonight.  Going to go ahead and surmise that thing might be juiced up for TV.  Also now John Buck is up, and we're still not getting A-Rod.  I know there's something something about only having one catcher or some crap, but I'm not a big believer in planning ahead.  That's why I'm about to have two kids.

-  Ortiz gunned at second on what should have been a bloop single by Buck.  Look, I get that you want to play everybody, but the All-Star game now counts for something, and something fairly substantial, so shouldn't you be prepared with your 33 man roster to deal with this situation?  Just make Go-Go an all-star for his pinch running duties.  And therein lies the problem with trying to make an exhibition into a meaningful game.  I feel like an essay is due here but I'm tired and much like my scholastic life I'm going to go to bed instead of turning in my homework.  NL won.  They didn't score over 8.5 runs.  Joy.

Quick Hitters

A few quick notes

1. The college KG, JaJuan Johnson of Purdue, is freaking awesome. I have a feeling I would be writing him up in the who was awesome section of the weekend review, but I'm heading to Utah for the week and likely won't have a computer and even less access to sports and internet since I'll have to spend most of my time with Mrs. W's insane family so I probably won't get to a weekend review. Anyway, that dude is definitely the next Hakim Warrick who was the next Kevin Garnett, and he lit up the Buckeyes tonight for a career high 30 points on 10-16 shooting in their overtime loss (sans Hummel). One of the most impressive things, and they pointed this out on the ESPN broadcast too, is that when he gets the ball in the paint he doesn't dribble like so many other big guys do, giving the double-team extra time to get there - and his very nice turnaround jumper too, of course. He can still disappear at times, which is partially his teammates' fault, but look out for this kid the next two years.

2. Hey Lady at the Gym (yes, I joined a gym), are you seriously going to sit there on the Elliptical machine and have a ten minute conversation on your cell phone? And then, five minutes later, make another call and have another ten minute conversation? I don't even know where to begin. Who brings a cellphone with them into the gym? Unless you're the go to surgeon for the president or Sam Jacobson's pot dealer his senior year, you can go 30 minutes unattached from your cellular telephone device. Not to mention that having a ten minute conversation in close quarters with other people should be grounds for a beat down. Hey, jackasses around the world, if you need to talk on the phone for more than 30 seconds, LEAVE THE GOD DAMNED ROOM. This goes for personal or professional, in public or even in your own home. It's just good manners. And lastly, if you're on the phone 20 of your 25 minutes on a machine, you probably should just give up, stay home, watch the Biggest Loser and eat bon-bons. And you're ugly.

3. If the Twins trade Delmon Young for Jarrod Washburn I quit. I will absolutely quit. I will never go to another game, I will never watch another game, I will never read about another game. I will burn my Twins hat (but I'll keep my Jason Kubel shirt). I will start a blog called billsmithisastupidjerkfaceloser.com. Why would you give up on Delmon Young already? I mean, I get why, actually, but to trade him for Washburn? If you're going to give up and trade him, get something of more value come back, but Washburn? He'll be 35 this year. He hasn't had a WHIP under 1.26 since 2002, and last year topped out at 1.46, a career worst and equal to Boof Bonser's numbers last year. His K rate is down, his walk rate is up, and he's a flyball pitcher who'd be throwing in the Metrodome. He has articles written about him called, "Is Washburn Washed Up?" Honest to god, if they trade Delmon Young for him, I'm done.

4. Speaking of the Twins, please just sign Joe Crede already. Give him something like $4-$5 million with another half mil in incentives for a year. If it doesn't work out, you're just out the $5 million, no big whoop. If it does, you'll lose him but maybe Luke Hughes will be ready the next season or another option will present itself. Third base needs to be upgraded, and time is running out.

5. UCONN stomped an awesome Louisville team in Louisville. I think they're my new pick to win the whole shebang.

6. Lastly, I just want to say that Wonderbaby can now give high fives on demand, and also, for the first time today, was able to put a ball in a hoop (not an actual hoop, but a hooped shape container - shut up, still counts)